#plus work stress and getting an MRI this week

[tj-crochets]

My birthday is coming up, and every year for my birthday* I try to make a thing just because I want to but this year I am not sure what I want to make. Like, zero ideas. Well, I mean I always have ideas, but none that appeal more than others? I'm not sure if I should ask for suggestions or just make a series of polls leading up to my birthday to narrow it down, what do you think? *within a few weeks of my birthday, I am bad at time

[mylowmilo]

My cat Piper has an ulcer! We think so, at least. She’s stopped vomiting as soon as we put her on an anti-ulcer medication and she’s been super duper affectionate, which makes me think she’s feeling better. She may have been in pain for a long time. Like… months. But getting worse over time until it was finally really obvious and required urgent vet care (unable to hold down any food at all? That’s an emergency!) Mixing up the liquid and administering it is just another in the long list of daily tasks for me now, and that’s stressful, but I’m so grateful to finally have an answer as to what’s been giving her tummy trouble.

[glittter-vamp]

E.R Visits | J.B

Warnings/AN: mention of accidents. mentions of injurires. minor adult language. mention of medications. This is pretty longgg. Fluffly joe w/ a bit of angsty reader. sorry if i missed any mistakes.

(NOT MY GIF)

You rode in the ambulance to the hospital after getting T-boned on your way back home from work. A guy in a pick up truck had ran the red light and unfortunately had hit you. You were still conscious but in so much pain in your chest, head and arm. "We're almost there honey!" The blonde EMT says to you. This was not how you wanted to spend your friday. You were eager to go home and watch your Fiancé Joe play the last preseason game before the kick off game here in cinncy was had for the 2023 NFL games next week. Now you were worried that you had internal bleeding, severe head injury and broken bones. The ambulance finally makes it to the hospital and the nurses immediately take over and take you into a room where they check you out. They do a bunch of tests, take X-Rays and MRI's leaving you in a room in the ER. After a while of just sitting there your sister and mom come in running.

"Oh my god! Honey! What- What happened?" Your mom asks with tears in her eyes. "Some asshole ran the red light." You scoff. "Oh my god...where are the doctors?" Your sister asks. "They just took me in for X-Rays and an MRI. I have broken ribs and a broken arm." You sigh. "Knock- Knock!" You hear someone say and you see a doctor and nurse walk in. "Hey doc, this is my mom and sister." You say to her. "Woah, you three could be triplets!" She jokes. "So, good news, no internal bleeding, just a minor concussion. We're going to wrap up your arm and rib though and keep you over night for observation okay?" She says writing away on her clipboard while the nurse prepares stuff for the cast. "Oh thank god." Your mom sighs in relief.

After a very painful process of getting wrapped up and put into a cast they take you upstairs to a proper room. You meet the nursing staff that's going to look after you and you ask your mom for the time. "It's 7:14" She says checking her phone. "It's almost kickoff, can you tune into the game?" You ask your mom but when she tries to turn on the TV, it doesn't do anything. "Sorry sweetie." Your mom pouts. You didn't have your phone because it got lost somewhere in the wreck. "Okay...so I was able to to reach someone in Bengals management, they were going to do their best to get a hold of Joe because I tried calling him and he wasn't answering." Your sister says. "Yeah he leaves his phone in his locker an hour before the game." You say. "This fucking sucks." You sigh. "It'll be okay honey, the important thing is that you're still here." My mom says getting emotional. "Let's... go get a coffee." Your sister says to your mom giving you a look of " I got this." They leave the room and at some point you fall asleep.

*********************

You feel the door of the room slowly open and your eyes open slowly wondering who was entering. You see blurry the first few blinks and can only make out a tall large figure but your eyes adjust and you almost gasp when you see who it was. "Joe?" You say trying to sit up but your were met with immediate pain making you wince. "Hey woah...stay how you are. Don't go hurting yourself even more now." Joe says softly coming over to sit next to you. You couldn't believe he was here. 'How hard did I hit my head?' You think to yourself.

What the hell are you doing here?" You ask clearly still drowsy from the pain medication. "Well I walked onto the field just to be told my Fiancé was in a car accident and left taking the next flight out of Massachusetts I could find." He says looking at you. His eyes were red and full of worry and stress. "Sorry I ruined your game." You say. "You're kidding right?" He asks looking at you in disbelief. "Y/N... you were in an accident. That game was the last thing I cared about, plus it's a preseason game many QB's sit out on them." He says. You knew that was lie, football always came before everything and anyone. It even came before him but you just remained quiet not wanting to turn this into a fight.

"Where are my mom and sister?" You ask realizing they weren't here anymore. "They just left, met them downstairs. The security guy didn't want to let me in because it's after visiting hours, so your mom and sister went off on him. "Must be a browns fan." You say making Joe chuckle. "I'm so glad you're okay, I don't ever think I've felt that fear before after I was told you had been in an accident." Joe says and you look over to him. "You getting soft on me Burrow?" You tease him and he gives you a small smile. "You should go home and get some rest, I'll most likely get out of here in the morning anyway." You say. "I'm not leaving you." He scoffs. "Yeah you can't leave anyway..." you bite your lip and he raises his eyebrow at you. "I was in your car..." you say and he laughs. "I know, my insurance called me." He nods.

******************* "Okay... nice and easy..." Joe says as he helps you sit down on the couch. You were finally home. Your mom picked you guys up from the hospital and since you couldn't get up the stairs due to your broken ribs and aching body, Joe had set up the couch nicely for you with pillows and blankets. "Your sister should be here with the food any minute, I'm gonna run out to get her prescription. Do you guys need anything?" Your mom asks. "Can you bring oreos, double stuffed. Someone here ate them all last week." You say looking at Joe who just shrugged. "Sure thing honey, I'll be back." She says patting your shoulder.

"Don't you have practice today?" You ask Joe as he hands you the tv remote. "I told coach I'm going to be out all week." He says. "Joe, the season is about to officially start. You can't miss practice." You say looking at him. "You took off three weeks of work when I tore my ACL, what's the issue?" He shrugs. "Yeah my job that has two other people also doing my same job. You can't miss practice or the first game this week Joe. Yo have a whole team counting on you" You shake your head.

"Well, thankfully that's not your decision to make. Now just relax, I have to go call my lawyers and insurance company, apparently the guy was wasted so we're taking this to court." He says getting his phone out of his pocket. "You don't have to do all that, it's just a car- The hell I don't, Y/N. You could of been killed! This isn't about the damn car, now it's really making me upset how much you think I care more about football and the damn car than I do the woman I'm set to marry next summer." He says obviously upset and trying to maintain his voice down and not yell. He leaves you in the living room and you sigh.

You will admit you did feel like shit thinking this way about him now. You knew better than to think this way about him. You sit there channel surfing and you stop on a sports channel that was talking about Joe. They mentioned you and the accident and show a clip of the moment he gets told on the field about what happened to you. He immediately went pale in the face and you can tell by reading his lips that he said "don't fuck with me like that." And he ran off back into locker room.

"We've gotten word that he might be out this first game which could mean a possible bad start to the Bengals seas-" you shit off the tv and look down at your cast. "Hello, hello... I come with lunch." You hear your sister enter the house. "I'm in the living room!" You call out. Your sister makes her way in the living setting the bags of food and drinks on the coffee table. "Where is everyone?" She asks. "Moms at the pharmacy getting my pain meds and Joe's somewhere talking to his lawyers." You sigh. "Oh, good!" She says. "You're behind this lawsuit train too?" You ask as she hands you the burrito bowl you asked her to get. "Of course, you could of been killed? And not you definitely someone else. There was a group of high school kids walking to the football game at the intersection the asshole hit you." She shakes her head.

"Why are you so moody today?" She asks. " I don't know...I guess I feel guilty for fucking up Joe's start to the season. It's like he can't catch a break, every season something fucking happens. Plus I totaled his fucking Porsche..." you sigh. "Well you're being dramatic, shit happens it's life. We only care that you're here. We can replace a car & he'll have many other games." She says. "How kind of you." You shake your head. "I'm just being honest, you found a man that loves you and cares for you and you're gonna be mad at him for prioritizing his soon to be bride? Don't make me break your other arm." She says making you laugh.

Joe comes back into living room thanking your sister for the food and taking a seat at the other end of the couch. "No problem, I gotta get going. Mom duties call." She says. "I thought this was a dad weekend?" You ask confused. "It was but he has a business trip so I gotta go pick up the kids today." She sighs grabbing her purse. As she was leaving your mom comes in. "Damn mom, you went grocery shopping for them or something?" You sister says bidding you all goodbye before stepping out of the house. "Mom, what'd you buy?" You sigh hearing the many plastic bags in her hands as you see Joe shaking his head chuckling. He knew better than to so say anything to her about buying stuff for a house she doesn't even live in, mostly because his mom is the type to do it as well. You couldn't turn to look at her but you could kind of see her in the reflection of the turned or tv.

"I noticed you guys were running low on some stuff so I grabbed a few things. Now here are your meds, take them." Your mom comes to hand you the bag and you open it reading the bottle first. You take one pill out but realized you couldn't reach the drink your sister has left for you on the coffee table. Joe notices and he quickly stands up and hands it to you. "Thank you." You say taking the medication with a sip of the iced tea and hand it back to him. You could tell he was just a bit upset from earlier and you wanted to apologize but now while your mom is here because you knew she'd insert her two cents in.

"Okay, you guys are stocked up. Do you need anything else? I can do any laundry- mom we're fine. Thank you for helping us out but we're good, go get some rest because I know you haven't slept." You say. "You sure? What if you need help using the bathroom or bathing?" She asks. "Well, I'm sure Joe could assist me better with both those things than you can mom." Your chuckle since your mom was a very petite woman. "Okay... you put those football muscles to work when you help her! I don't want my baby falling in the shower or anything." Your mom says to Joe and you roll your eyes. "Yes ma'am, football muscles have been activated." He says making you shake your head. "Okay well, I'll see you guys later. I guess I'll call you on his phone right?" Your mom asks. You still hadn't gotten back your phone and wasn't sure when or if that was possible. "Yeah or I have my iPad and can FaceTime you there." You say to her and she nods giving you a kiss on top of the head. She bids you two a goodbye and leaves out the door.

"Sorry about her." You say to Joe finally eating your food. "You don't have to apologize for her, she's pretty tame compared to my mom." He chuckles taking a sip of his drink. "I don't know, her basically wanting to bathe me kind of hit it of out the park." You laugh but wince as the pain in your rib. "Are you forgetting how my mom acted when I tore my ACL. She literally WALKED in on me showering when I was able to use the shower chair and hop in and out of the shower by myself. She insisted on checking up on me every 5 minutes to insure that I hadn't fallen and cracked my skull open." He shakes his head. "Oh yeah... I remember telling her that you'd be fine & was sure you knew what you were doing and she replied with 'I know my son' and proceeded to head to the bathroom. Which basically means... she called you clumsy." You chuckle and he shakes his head.

Once you finish your food Joe takes the trash and throws it away from you. You decided to pick a movie to watch and settle on a thriller. Joe comes back to the spot he was at you look over to him. "Why are you sitting so far away?" You ask and he shrugs. You pat the cushion next to you and he makes his way over to you. "Can I?" He asks signaling to lay his head on your lap like always. You nod patting your thigh with your good arm. As soon as his head touched your thigh you winced and he immediately say up making you laugh but the laughing it self actually making you wince in pain because of your ribs. "That's not funny!" he says looking at you like a father would their kid when they do something they're not supposed too. "Oh so it's only funny when you do it?" You raise an eyebrow and he sits there with a serious face knowing he did the same to you when he tore his ACL. He then slowly lays back down in defeat.

"I'm sorry for the way I've been acting by the way." You say to Joe and he turns to look up at you. "It's okay, I wasn't all that nice at first either after I had my injury., it's tough being injured" he says. "Yeah but this is different, I was being a bitch because you were actually being a good partner like what type of shit is that?" You shake your head. "I over heard you and your sister about feeling guilty about ruining the start to my season. You have no reason to feel guilty Y/N, it's not like you intentionally got into an accident. Plus... I can admit that in the past I might of put football over both of us, so I can see why you think it's weird for me to actually stay home and care for you...that's my fault and I need to work on that because the reality is football isn't going to be forever but you are." he says and you couldn't help but get a bit teary eyed hearing say that. "When did you become so mushy and good with words?" You say wiping away tears. "When I felt like my whole world ended getting the news you were in an accident." Joe says sitting up. He gives you a sweet tender kiss and wipes your tears away. "Love you." he smiles. "Love you too...now can you use that love and get me some oreos and milk?" You say making him laugh. "Sure thing babe." He says giving you one more kiss and getting up from the couch.

The rest of the week Joe spent taking care of you, from cooking (and by cooking you meant calling his chef to make all your favorites) to helping you shower to getting dressed to getting upstairs and downstairs or in and out of bed. And it just made you realize you couldn't wait to spend forever with him. 

[szayelapowo]

fuck i. thought i was doing good here but now idk.

things were fine for the first week and a half but now multiple staff members dont seem to have a problem with coming to work sick and they dont wear masks or gloves. theyve been coughing so much and the entire house is contaminated. i can feel the germs crawling on me and i had to take a valium last night because i kept having panic attacks but of course the meds are locked up so i have to ask for it and they touch it to give it to me so hdtjddgjd

plus everyone eats like ten pounds of fucking garlic a day and just the smell alone gives me headaches and nausea so obvs i cant eat anything with that in it and they end up having to find something else for me that i can tolerate but the whole house stinks really bad including my room even though i keep the door closed like im typing this with my hoodie sleeve over my face rn its so bad

and then one of the other residents makes so much noise like doors slamming, sudden loud laughter out of nowhere bc hes always fucking high apparently?? idk i was told he smokes weed so i guess thats allowed here?? he constantly talks to himself and it bothers me, the other guy, and the staff like they keep telling him to tone it down but he never does. oh also sometimes late at night hell just like. yell/groan?? super loud? for no reason and one of the staff asked him not to do that bc we all thought he was like dying or smth but he just kinda laughed and said he cant help it

idk i feel like im being unreasonable and complaining too much but i keep getting jumpscared and the smells the noise the germs idk how this is gonna work honestly but i cant go back where i was no matter how much my mother begs me to i cant watch my father fucking die like that. i feel awful not being there for him but the anxiety will literally kill me. all my stress induced autoimmune diseases, digestive problems, headaches, everything is getting worse and if i stay with my parents i have no way to get to my doctors, especially when hes gone bc my mother wont drive and i cant, and like uber or whatever isnt accessible for us. idk what to do.

oh and i just found out i need to see a cardiologist now bc the heart palpitations and lightheadedness are getting worse and also i need an ultrasound and an mri bc my endocrinologist thinks i might have a fucking brain tumor thats screwing up all my hormones so. lmao 💀

[silvanoir]

The Situation

Off to MRI #2 in a few minutes, this time on my neck. I hope they find the source of the pain in my head/body, because its been getting worse.

Also, the other "SITUATION" has gotten worse (I said I'd post about it when it resolved, it hasn't resolved, but it's getting to a breaking point. literally)

I've told you before that Work Friend is in a really rotten living setup. but after getting sober (mismanaging things when he was drinking, plus a bad case of multiple someones using his cards putting him in debt) all he can really afford is this horrible dark basement apartment.... no not even that, it's a lumpy couch with a tiny kitchen and a bathroom where the hot water doesn't really work most of the time. And so, so many spiders.

And the landlady from hell. A pill addict that screams and stomps around and occasionally bursts in and takes or breaks his stuff. Including HIS medications (I bought him a little safe to keep them in). In February she was particularly high and drunk and stomped down and screamed at him, tried to break his keyboards (he used to play bass in metal and punk bands but he's trying to get away from that because that scene has alcohol ... he can't play in bars and dark clubs anymore... ) and he was practicing his music with headphone so he didn't bother anyone (and of that he was teaching himself oldies and church music). Not good enough! She also took a bottle of gingerale, poured it all over his bible and other stuff and ridiculed him for being sober now.

That tipped him right into being suicidal. It was bad. I (and his therapist) helped get him through it but it was BAD.

He also named me his official new sponsor (aka the person he talks to to make sure he STAYS sober) because the one he had wasn't working out.... he didn't ask me if I was ok with this, but I wasn't going to refuse either. It seems like I might be one of the few people on the planet who actually cares about his wellbeing.

It's all backwards! He's trying to be good now and those around him are treating him like a criminal or something! When they are the crazy/violent/drunk/high ones!

He already has PTSD because of multiple awful things that happened to him in his past (can't type up any of that) and anxiety, how can he heal in an environment like that? The reason why his drinking got so bad, bad enough it nearly killed him a few years ago, was the stress of everything.

He came to work today with a bloody nose because the landlady's daughter clocked him with his phone (the phone I gave him after his flip phone died... the phone he has now was one of my dads old phones that we call the brick phone because it is a 4g pay-as-you-go cellphone that is the size shape and weight of a small brick.... but its an old style that still has buttons, which he likes).

I knew! I knew things would go from emotionally abusive to physically abusive! Breaking his things to breaking him! (Landlady's husband has also broken most of his tools... makes it hard for him to do his side-gig as a handyman).

I tried to warn him but he said it wasn't bad as all that when I did.... well it's as bad as all that. Of course, he's strong and over 6 ft tall and could easily pulverize them both, but he's a middle-aged man and they are women and an old man and if the cops show up he's the one who'll be hauled off to jail.

Me and other coworkers are trying to figure out a way to get him out of there. It's tough because he lives week-to-week and has ruined credit.... where else is he going to rent....

if i didn't have my elderly dad with me I'd give him my guestroom.

[thurisazsalail]

hahaha okay too late

i was getting Really Worried bc wow since getting sick at the end of last month, my HR has gone up 20+bpm and I've been "losing days" (neurological.) I hadn't put together how much THOSE visits cost with all the immediate sticker shock of Vash + the dental thing.

~$2500. $2300 confirmed for MRIs, cardiac tests, x-rays, etc. The rest is transportation and 10+ medications, approximately.

THEN Vash is $400, but only $350 out of pocket since I prepaid some a few weeks ago. Plus a couple hundred on another cat.

Next month, it's ~$700 for Vash's echocardiogram, which I've put off for 3 years but it's getting dangerous and if I might be able to adjust his meds and give him one more year, yeah, I'll pay. And $$$ bc the partner needs a 3rd tooth pulled, and BECAUSE they lost so many teeth, the OTHERS are going to start shifting and falling out if they don't do restoration work. AT LEAST THEY HAVE INSURANCE but lol it's STILL $$$$. ......... ever been stressed beyond ability to cry? the part where you just shut down? that.

look at this marmalade cat. this marmalade is a stray who attached himself to my partner. we cannot rehome him. he even reacts to ME like "stranger danger!!! stranger dannnnggeeeer!!! DAD she's trying to give me WEIRD FOOD!" and runs. oy. he is a cute, fuzzy spot in all of this.

Cash& $danieloneiroi paypal .me / perthro supplies

thurisaz.salail on ebay

Uh. I just spent $1000 usd on a dentist. That was unexpected. Sure. Okay.

The cat's bloodwork for his serious heart problem is ~$400 at the cheap vet tomorrow. Fuck.

This is the cat in question. He's dreaming but he's ALWAYS this huffy + puffy. There is fluid building up in his chest but now he's so far gone, he can't have surgery. All we can do is bloodwork, x-rays, and medication. His meds can't be refilled without new bloodwork.

I could use the help. Even $1 at a time.

$A - DanielOneiroi

I also do paypal, but message for email address <3

[utilitycaster]

Wizard breakdown tracker

Welcome to a new and wholly unasked for feature, in which I procrastinate what I should be doing (currently: reading about MRIs, finishing up some Passover kitchen cleaning) in favor of providing a status update on our wizard NPCs, who are as a rule getting their lives flipped and turned upside down in part by the the Mighty Nein. I intend to keep up with this nonsense until such time as Trent Ikithon is dead or as good as.

Note: Caleb Widogast, as a PC and member of the Mighty Nein, is not included on this list. Vess DeRogna is assumed to be still dead unless otherwise indicated. Wizard NPCs who have not made an appearance nor been mentioned in some time will not be included but may be put on the list in future weeks if they turn up.

Ludinus Da’leth: haven’t heard from him in a while but Astrid mentioned him; last we heard he’d lost the Nein in Eiselcross. Probably hanging out and having a great time knowing that Vess DeRogna is missing, presumed dead and that Trent Ikithon is having a miserable time. I bet that smug bastard doesn’t realize his overture to Caleb just made him more complicit and a storm’s a-coming.

Conclusion: 0/10. Pretty sure this man won’t believe he can die until a sword is stuck through him and even then he’ll have some doubts.

Trent Ikithon: according to Astrid, he’s a little twitchy; Caleb’s shown that even when quite literally backed into a corner he’s uninterested in making bargains, and also can capably counterspell him. Plus his underlings let the Nein go and even if he doesn’t know this was intentional, seems like it would be a rough day.

Conclusion: 4/10. Not pulling out the big guns yet, probably, but starting to ramp things up.

Essek Thelyss: Oh, Essek. You poor, poor elf man. Yes, you laid the groundwork, but I have to say I think pacing via floating would be uniquely unsatisfactory in relieving stress. Jester’s messages have made it worse, you’ve been expecting to die every day for the last six weeks, and what exactly did Trent do to you?

Conclusion: 8/10. Please give him some whiskey-spiked tea and sympathy in the tower tonight.

Astrid Beck: Well she’s betrayed Trent like four times in the last week already and, initial reunion conversation with Caleb aside, the Mighty Nein have been fucking up her shit ever since that dinner, so.

Conclusion: 8/10 and rising. Help her Bob, she’s having a mental breakdown in the alley. (god I hope people know sea shanteys other than The Wellerman or this is going to be a joke only I enjoy).

E(a,o)dwulf “Then Perish” Grieve(?): Wulf is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, isn’t he. Here’s what we know: Big. Strong. Forearms. Cut his parents’ throats as a teenager. Sometimes does work at Vergesson. Keeps saying “you look good” to Caleb like he’s a romanceable video game character. Raven Queen, but not sure of whether he multiclassed or is just a religious wizard who lifts. Knows wristpocket and uses it to hide his flask. Joined Astrid in Nicodranas, so in on the plan, but she seems to be the one in charge.

Conclusion: 5/10. Fewer betrayals than Astrid, but he’s definitely at least guilty of aiding and abetting.

Pumat Sol: Missing the Spice Girls already. Some weird guy in a cloak keeps stopping by his shop. You know, the usual.

Conclusion: 2/10, probably a little nervous he’s going to get audited for illegal high level spells. On the other hand, the Assembly’s been leaving him alone - no Vess DeRogna threats for a while!

Allura Vyesoren: I mean, it’s not the first time that a rag-tag bunch of misfits has asked for her help regarding a world-ending power and so far it’s gone pretty good! Also this woman has watched Scanlan Shorthalt cast Wish and survived, she’s got a great marriage and a cool tower, she’s on the Tal’Dorei council; it’s going to take a lot to truly unsettle her.

Conclusion: 3/10. She doesn’t have her staff, and the city is indeed a concern, but she’s been through worse.

Yussa Errenis: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Conclusion: ∞ /10. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

[vikspage]

Hello, welcome to my first blog post!

Firstly, I want to say a huge thank you for everyone’s support and donations. I can’t put into words how amazed I am by all your support and what it means to me. There’s been a staggering amount raised so far in such a short space of time, I feel truly blessed and grateful.

My history in brief is I was diagnosed with breast cancer last October, underwent 2 operations and was told the surgeon had removed all the cancer as nothing was showing in my lymph nodes. No follow ups with scans, no follow up tests, even thou I begged all the doctors to check. 7 months later I started getting hip pain which was getting worse week by week. I was told the pain was either sciatica or an impact to a fall I had in September, although I had no bruising or fractures. The pain got so bad I couldn’t walk without a limp, I couldn’t drive, I had to take time off work and in the end I was using Austin, my 7 year old son, for support to help me walk. I begged the doctors to see me and push forward scans as the pain was excruciating but I was told I had to call the MRI centre and try and get an appointment sooner myself. I eventually saw a GP face to face and asked her if I could have crutches as I was using Austin as my walking aid and I couldn’t bare the pain. I was told they didn’t have any to give me and I could buy some from Amazon if I wanted some!! Gobsmacked by the lack of empathy and disregard for the urgency I went home and purchased some.

Eventually I had the scans which sadly showed multiple expansile lytic lesions in keeping with bone metastasis seen throughout the pelvic bones, the largest centred on the right iliac bone/sacroiliac joint where there is an extraosseous soft tissue component. In other words, stage 4 advanced cancer to my bones and soft tissue surrounding my pelvis.

I was absolutely devastated. I’d been left to suffer in pain for far too long, not enough speed for scans or tests had been done. Considering my history of a recent breast cancer diagnosis you just don’t expect to be left worrying.

I had seen my oncologist (I now have a new one) about 6 weeks ago because of the pain I was in and asked him if it could be related to my breast cancer. He said it was highly unlikely and thought it best I came off the tamoxifen (a HRT drug to block oestrogen receptors binding to cancer cells) for 6 weeks to see if there was improvement. I doubted his advice and went straight to my GP who actively wrote him a letter explaining her concern for the pain and it being related to my cancer, to which he responded saying “send her to the muscular skeletal team”. He couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ve been let down, once again, (I had problems throughout my BC diagnosis) by the team of people who were meant to keep me safe, trusting them with my life, quite literally, but they’ve failed miserably. The saddest part is I feel they’ve failed my children as their lives are now disrupted.

I’m now unable to put any weight on my right leg, I have to use a wheelchair to move anywhere as I’ve been told by my orthopaedic consultant there’s a risk I could fracture my bones. That can’t happen as I would then need emergency surgery which would of course put my body under more stress and inflammation which cancer loves! (Plus I’m now on chemotherapy treatment which is never a good combo with emergency surgery!) I’m having to have treatment every day for the rest of my life, inject myself with immune boosting drugs and have treatment to stop my ovaries working and shut down my oestrogen and then be cared for because I can’t even get dressed or get a glass of water without help. I can’t shower as I can’t stand and having a bath is difficult as I can’t raise my leg over the side. These are some adaptions I need to look at changing in my home so I can do these things without a risk of falling or hurting myself.

My oncologist has confirmed that the cancer is “incurable”. On Thursday I started a targeted chemotherapy drug called Palbociclib. I have to take this tablet every day for 3 weeks, have 1 week off, for the rest of my life, as long as it works. This drug is used to treat people with my type of breast cancer, hormone driven which has spread beyond the original tumour to other organs. Palbociclib can slow down the growth of cancer cells and delay the progression of it. This drug doesn’t cure or stop the cancer.

This is why my wonderful friend Elizabeth created a fundraising page for me. I need alternative therapies and life saving treatments that the NHS don’t provide. I’ve seen and read many reports and case studies snd spoken to specialists who are proving alternative treatments work. I have a lot to fight for and I won’t sit around and let my children see me just “make do” with one tablet and hope for the best of stabilising or slowing the disease. I am a tough person, it’s hard to knock me down and I don’t take things on without a challenge so I’m ready to fight this head on!

I’ll update you in blog posts on the treatments I’m going through, specialists I’m seeing and the results I’m seeing so you can see and know what your generous donations are doing to help me fight this battle, not only for me but for my dear children and family. I’m 36 and I intend on staying here with them for at least another 60 years! 💪🏽

Please keep sharing & keeping positive and healing thoughts 🙏🏽

V x

Any donations to my gofundme page would be hugely appreciated ~ thank you

https://gofund.me/2c36a539

[rulesforthedance]

Orthopedist thinks my foot thing is mostly likely an “early stress reaction,” so, the bone is threatening to fracture, but has not, but will if I continue running on it without giving it some time to recover first. He says I should not run for two weeks and then ease back in, and that biking in the meantime is ok. This is obviously hugely frustrating, for reasons including: I will lose some running conditioning in that time; when I come back, my weekly mileage will be significantly lower for a few more weeks (so much lost ground to make up in both speed and distance); I was following all the rules and this happened anyway, so I will always be afraid of it happening again; running was giving me a sense of control in my life, and any time you have that, the illusion will eventually be shattered, and just because I know that, doesn’t mean I’ve accepted it.

It is also hard because we can’t know for sure that that is what it is. It is early enough that it he doesn’t think it would show up on an MRI. It could be fine to run on, and I will waste all this time for nothing! But if it’s not, I will break it and be out for two-plus months instead of two weeks. The necessity of erring on the side of caution is one of the worst parts of sports.

I am trying to have a good attitude about it, though, as far as is possible. I like this doctor--I have worked with him before for derby injuries, and he works mostly with athletes and is a runner himself, so he Gets it. He understands what it means to tell someone who does a sport not to do their sport for two weeks, so I trust him not to prescribe that lightly. And at least I was cautious with it and stopped before it got bad. And at least it happened now and not closer to my marathon. And at least it doesn’t hurt to bike, so I still get to move outside and also not lose all my aerobic conditioning.

[wobbly-flamingo]

Hello! I’ve started a new blog with more of an MS-focus.

The good, the bad and the ugly

This week I want to talk about inclusion, as it’s National Inclusion Week. Specifically, I’ll be comparing my new, very inclusive employer to my previous, very non-inclusive employer where I experienced discrimination, bullying, exclusion, sexual harassment, verbal abuse from senior colleagues, gas-lighting, unfair treatment, and a generally very toxic work environment.

To start, the good! I’ve been working in my current job for 3 months now and it’s by far the most inclusive and supportive environment I’ve worked in. By really far. I was astonished in my first few days to realise how much of an emphasis there is on wellbeing for employees and how many resources there are for us. There are multiple staff diversity networks - I am a member of the LGBT+ staff network, the disability staff network and the women in work network. There are regular “Let’s talk about...” meetings hosted by the networks and I try to attend one every couple of weeks. There’s a lot of encouragement in our department, to focus on your own wellbeing and keep yourself well. In my experience so far, there’s a very high level of engagement around wellbeing between co-workers, line managers and departmental heads. Whenever I have a catch up with my line manager the first item on the agenda is for her to ask me about my wellbeing. She regularly asks if there is anything they can do to support me, and makes really useful suggestions. For my interview, the interviewers asked me if I wanted any reasonable adjustments! I did. And they were happy to oblige. It’s the most positive and supportive professional environment I’ve worked in. Despite the fact that I am working longer hours in this job than I was previously, I am able to cope better because the resources are there and the support system is there. Plus, I love my job!

Now for the bad and ugly... I experienced so much toxicity at my previous job that I could be here for days talking about it. So I’m just going to give a couple of examples. Before my MS diagnosis, I didn’t hate my job, I thought it was alright. But I noticed very early on that they had an incredibly toxic and unhealthy work environment. I was bullied, I was verbally abused by senior colleagues, I was sexually harassed. After my diagnosis however, things got MUCH WORSE. The bullying really went up a notch, the verbal abuse by senior colleagues did not stop, neither did the sexual harassment; on top of this I started to experience a lot of unfair treatment, exclusion from work events and team activities, discrimination, and gaslighting by a very senior colleague.

I was hospitalised on my 30th birthday and spent most of the day in the MRI scanner. A few days later I was diagnosed. After getting out of hospital I was signed off sick for a couple of weeks. On reflection I wish I had stayed off work for longer. I was honest with my employer from the start, and while I was in hospital my parents had been phoning up to keep them in the loop. My employer decided to share my very personal diagnosis around the office so that everyone knew, which is completely against company policy but whatever. Anyway just a few days after getting back to work, I started getting incredibly unhelpful comments and questions such as “you need to engage your brain more” and “couldn’t you have tried harder today?”. I was criticised constantly for not working fast or hard enough, for struggling with concentration, and for making small errors. I tried countless times to explain that cognitive impairment is a very common MS symptom and that I was struggling with my cognition and fatigue, among other significant symptoms. I was on reduced hours for absolutely ages, at the advice from several medical professionals and occupational therapists.

I had people go behind my back and report to my line manager that they had caught me (after 5pm and therefore after working hours) campaigning for climate justice and that they were “concerned for my health”. Pahahahahahaha. Naturally my line manager didn’t defend me and instead pulled me into a meeting to ask me about it. I pointed out that it’s nobody’s business what I do in my spare time as long as it doesn’t conflict with company policy.

I was told I was over-reacting to situations and making THEIR lives difficult! I mean wow. I’ve just been diagnosed with a life-long, incurable, debilitating disease, and this was apparently making things difficult for them...

Despite having very obvious mobility difficulties and walking with a stick, I was being asked to take senior colleagues’ paperwork up and down stairs for them (not part of my job) and when I said that I was in too much pain to be doing this, I was told to stop being difficult and that I should be seeing this as an opportunity to expand my job role!! It does actually make me laugh now. But at the time I didn’t find it funny; in fact I had no idea how to deal with it.

When I told my line manager one day that I was struggling with stress and feeling overwhelmed with work, to the point that I was heading for a breakdown, I was told that “everyone is under pressure so we just need to get our heads down”. Helpful.

For the majority of the 2.5 years I was there, I was regularly verbally abused by a senior colleague. Apparently he had treated other members of staff the same way and got away with it also. Colleagues of mine had to actually leave the room when he spoke to me in that manner because it made them uncomfortable. During the height of the pandemic when most of us were home working, this abuse was just given over the phone instead. There was one particularly bad incident last Summer, where he was shouting down the phone at me and got real personal. When I mentioned this to my line manager and said I no longer wanted to converse with this person, I was told that it was literally part of my job so I had no choice but to continue our working relationship, despite how intimidated I felt. The one person who should have had my back, did not take it seriously. Worse than that, the regional director was in the same room as the bully so had overheard his side of the conversation, and I naively thought “good news, someone that overheard the conversation can back me up” but nope - instead he said that my version of what had happened was untrue and that I was over-reacting.

Unfortunately it took me about 7/8 months after this incident to find the right job, but boy am I glad to be out of there! Toxic was probably an understatement really. The sad thing is that there was a small handful of people there that I did get on with and would have liked to keep in touch with, but I have sort of cut all ties with the place, and I am much healthier and happier for it!

[theparadoxmachine]

Update - finally

As a lot of you know I had brain/spinal surgery back in March. In April I had recovered enough to go back to work. Then in late April I developed a cerebral spinal fluid leak. Basically the mesh they put in my skull to give my brain room started leaking and now I've got this swollen space in the back of my head about size of a golf ball.

I had a constant migraine and I couldn't keep anything down. I went to the emergency room twice. The first time they told me I had a bladder infection and the second time they admitted me and I was in the hospital a couple days. I had another MRI and another lumbar puncture to measure the pressure of the spinal fluid. Now I don't know much about it but according to the radiologist who did my LP the pressure of the spinal fluid should be 15-20 units max. Mine was at 47 units, so over twice what it should have been. He drained some fluid which helped the headaches quite a bit. My neurosurgeon visited me in the hospital and gave me two options. He could either operate and try to repair the leak or I could wait and see if my body would heal on its own. I decided against surgery, which my surgeon was pleased with because he was concerned that operating might just make the situation worse, plus there were already a bunch of covid patients at the hospital and I'm vulnerable. But this means it will likely take me 3-4 additional months to recover.

After they released me I spent about a week at my mom's house. I had an appointment with my neurologist and he cleared me to go back to work half days for a week. I'm back at full time now. I'm still having headaches and neck pain. Occasionally I get super nauseated. My dog is still at my mom's house. I can't exercise or lift much. I'm also temporarily immunocompromised/vulnerable to infections because of the surgery.

I've been ordered to avoid stress. When the headaches get bad they are very, very bad. I am constantly trying avoid anything that might trigger my nausea. Taking my pills is always difficult and I have to weigh the pros and cons whenever I take them because they have a tendency to make me sick. I am aware of the gravity of everything going on in the world and I care but I have to be careful because there is a legitimate possibility that I will end up back in the emergency room if I'm not very careful. The best I can do for anyone right now is to survive long enough to make it to the polls.

That said I am recovering. Slowly but surely I am getting better. Today I've managed so far without pain medicine. Yesterday work was brutal so it's amazing I'm not in more pain but it also means I probably will need something later. But the fact that I haven't needed anything so far is a good sign.

I am getting there. It's just going a little slower than I'd hoped.

[bigskydreaming]

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

Hey everyone, so I need some help with my monthly insurance premiums again, because living continues to be pricey as hell. We’re getting close to the finish line though, I’m optimistic. I finally got on my doctor’s schedule for my next appointment - to go over the last CT scan I got done a couple weeks ago, the one to fit me for the prosthetic joint. It’s next Thursday morning, and this will be the appointment where she tests out actual prosthetics and makes the determination as to whether we go with a premade or a custom. From there, we can order whichever one we go with and expedite the preauthorization approval for my surgery with my insurance, and finally get an answer on how much of the surgery they’ll cover. It’s 25K out of pocket, so this has been the big thing I’ve been waiting on an answer on, that kinda everything else hinges on from here.

Once I do have that answer, I’ll finally set up a gofundme for everything that’s left to pay. I’ve been putting that off because I’m trying to only do one of those if at all possible, for various reasons like taxes, etc - but once I have the estimate for how much of the surgery I need to cover upfront, I’ll set one up to help out with whatever I need help with for that, and for the living expenses I’ll need for the two to three weeks I’m told to expect I’ll be bedridden through recovery, post surgery.

I know I’ve been leaning on you guys for a lot, but I wanted to show you just how much none of this would be possible without your help - 

Essentially, my expenses for the last nine months have been rent and food (which given my circumstances living out of a motel and not being able to cook/store food comes to a couple thousand a month), phone (about eighty a month), out of pocket expenses for all the consults and appointments I had before getting insurance in January, and since January, insurance ($809 a month) plus co-pays and out of pocket expenses for the stuff my insurance still doesn’t cover (since January this has been $354 for one consultation, $350 for one CT scan, $340 for one co-pay, $225 for one round of tests not covered, couple others I can’t find at the moment). That’s everything my money goes towards, pretty much the second it comes in.

Since I started doing donation posts back in December when I was about to get kicked out of the motel, you guys have donated about $2700 all in all, across the last five months. And although that sounds like a big number just from looking at it, its so much bigger than even that, when you consider that’s basically the only thing that’s enabled me to even HAVE my super-pricey insurance. I take no days off, I take every single job I can find no matter how low the rate, and even busting my ass 24/7, I’m still a thousand bucks behind on what I owe them in rent here at the motel, haven’t paid my cell phone this month yet, and have maxed out my two $300 limit credit cards, lmao - just as an example of where I’m at any given day. There is ZERO chance I would’ve been able to afford this insurance on my own, and ZERO chance that without it, I’d ever have made it this close to finally having an end to all this, and a chance at regaining my old quality of life/lack of chronic pain. Like, I was flat out told I NEEDED to get that MRI in February, not just to rule out whether or not a tumor was responsible, but to pin down the underlying causes of the joint destruction, because they weren’t going to go ahead with the surgery until they could conclusively determine whether the new joint would just erode all over again. 

(Don’t think I ever mentioned on here, but what they basically discovered was that my condyle had some time in the past been I guess....bent? a little? or just shifted just enough that over the years it was steadily getting jammed more and more up under my skull instead of flush with the joint, with it constantly eroding over the years from the friction until about a year and a half ago when it hit critical mass and had worn through enough that the remainder just snapped off, which is what caused all this. Doctors have been asking me ever since then about trauma to my face that could’ve caused it, and I kept saying I couldn’t think of anything cuz I was assuming they meant just in the last few years, but these later scans were detailed enough to zero in on the oldest stress/fracture marks on the bone and estimate an age to those initial fractures and turns out all this Drama started a good fifteen years ago. When lol the gaybashing that keeps on giving saw me taking a couple kicks to the head that I honestly never really thought all that much about after my face healed up in a few weeks, as I was always focused on the emotional aftermath of all that and never even thought about the possibility there’d been longterm damage I wasn’t aware of at the time, yaaaaay). 

ANYWAY. this is what my insurance covered from that MRI:

Like, and that’s just one step of this whole long as hell process. So I am completely, 100% serious when I say that I would not be where I’m at now without this specific insurance, and I would not be able to afford it without your help. Medicare was never going to cover these specific procedures because my specific jaw issues fall into such a weird gray area between medical and dental that they were batting it back and forth from various offices for months arguing about necessity of procedures and whose responsibility various procedures were, with my health and ability to even function steadily declining all the while. If things kept going the way they had been, before I got insurance and finally got jumpstarted on the right track, it wouldn’t be far off from now where I reached the point where I was just completely unable to function and yet still had bureaucrats telling me over the phone my needs didn’t match the threshold of medical necessity....and at least now, by the time I hit that point, I’ll have a solution in the works.

I know you guys have been seeing these posts from me a lot and so I just wanted to show something tangible as to the effect your help has had and is continuing to have. I’ll still be needing to make them for probably at least a couple months to come, but like, there is a finish line for me at least, and every time I see it, the fact that I can see it at all reminds me of how much support I’ve had to get here and I get all these Feelings and ugh they’re just the worst, but also the best, so...yeah. In summation, you continue to rock my world, and thanks.

[thechildoflightning]

Tectonic Plates- Ch2

Title: Tectonic Plates [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: None

~~~

Chapter Title: Convergent

Summary: 

Patton visits the doctor, gets ice cream with his siblings, and works on the group project. It's a lot more stressful then it seems.

Warnings: Memory Loss, Tics, Racism, Ableism, Dead-Naming

[ao3 link]

~~~

Chapter Two: Convergent

“Hi Patton,” the doctor greets, and he notes how she doesn’t even have to glance down at her sheet to remember his name. He’s here often enough.

“Hi,” he responds.

She starts with basic questions and Patton answers as normal. He’s already been asked the same by the nurse who came to check his blood pressure earlier.

“So you’re having larger memory gaps?” she finally gets to.

“Yeah,” Patton agrees, “Sometimes more than an hour long.”

“How often is that happening? And how long on average?”

“I don’t know,” he admits, and looks over at his mom. She has his journal out, and the stats ready to go.

“About once every week, averaging about fifty minutes that we’ve noticed,” she responds. The doctor nods and makes a note.

“Okay. And describe these gaps to me a bit more. Do you remember anything during that time?”

The conversation carries on, Patton and his mom receiting medical information as the doctor tries to piece together what’s going on.

“I think from here I’m going to order a blood test, a CT scan, and an EEG,” she tells them.

“That uh, seems like a lot,” Patton comments.

Holy shit his brain is really fucked up isn’t it?

“What are all those for?” his mom asks.

“Well these larger memory gaps are concerning- and considering we haven’t seen them in you before, Patton, I want to get a blood test to make sure we’re not overlooking any infections. The MRI we’ve down before and with that we’re looking for any noticeable changes in your brain. I also want an EEG, and this one specifically to track electrical ability in your brain to see if this is maybe the result of seizures.”

“You think I’m having seizures?” Patton asks.

“To be completely honest Patton- we don’t quite know what’s going on. We know your history of memory issues and loss is linked to you contracting meningitis at such a young age. Memory loss with meningitis isn’t unheard of. It does concern me that this seems to be getting dramatically worse, especially over a recent short period of times. That’s why I’m calling for these tests. And I do think there’s a potential that this new form of memory loss is in fact seizure activity, which you are also at increased chances of having due to meningitis. Hopefully these tests will allow us to get a clearer picture of what we’re looking at, so we can better deal with the issue on hand.”

That meant that they don’t know anything now.

And if they don’t know anything now, after sixteen years, that probably meant they weren’t ever going to know.

It’s one thing to adjust to new medical information, to get used to gaps in time and increased memory loss with results guiding them, tell Patton what was happening. 

It’s a whole different thing to have to get used to that without any further information, completely lost, stumbling through the dark.

Patton thinks he probably shouldn’t be wishing for a reason. Because a reason means something’s wrong with him. But, he already knows something’s wrong. At least a reason would explain that. Is it so bad to want a reason?

They set up the blood test, CT, and EEG appointments. Patton gets to go home after. He doesn’t feel up to homework, so he takes his binder off and lays down to take a nap. He’s so tired.

Of course, those plans are quickly foiled by his phone buzzing on his bedside table.

Patton groans but sits up carefully and reaches for the object. He opens it and reads through the texts.

It’s from a person named Sabrina, in a group chat, but Patton doesn’t know of any Sabrina’s. He scrolls up through past texts and quickly finds his answer. He’s in a group project with these kids for a class. 

He sighs and gets up to get his notebook for the class.

With the notebook now in hand he sits at his desk with it and his phone.

Sabrina has sent a long list of things they each need to do, spelling out each of their work in the project in exact detail. Patton’s a bit frustrated that she didn’t even bother to ask his input on what he wanted to do, but quickly brushes it off. He understands that it probably has to be incredibly frustrating to be in a group with him. Patton works at almost half the speed and has to constantly check with partners that they’re on the same page.

It’s- he wishes she would have asked him. It would have been nice. But he gets why she didn't. It isn’t a big deal.

He opens up his computer next to his notebook, and starts to work. He has the spoons to do work today, might as well.

Not much later, the door swings open and the dog starts barking, alerting Patton to the fact that his younger siblings are home. He can hear Liam chattering loudly and greeting the dog even as Dani stays silent at his side. Patton listens to their fading voices with a fond smile.

Except, their voices aren’t actually fading as they go up to their respective rooms. Instead, they’re getting closer, and suddenly there’s an excited knocking on his door.

“Eileeeeen,” Liam sings, “Can we come in?”

The use of his deadname twists in his stomach for a minute. He knows Liam doesn’t mean it, they’re all learning. Patton still finds him misgendering himself on occasion. 

Even so, it still hurts.

He could correct Liam. It’s just- Patton doesn’t want to make him feel bad. Plus it takes effort and it’s-

“Door’s open,” he replies, ignoring his thoughts.

Liam and Dani tumble in.

“Pat!” Liam says, zooming over to where Patton sits at his desk. He does a little bounce. “Can I give you a hug?”

“Course,” Patton responds, grinning down at his little brother easily, “Just be gentle please.”

Liam nods and embraces him, being especially careful around his back. Patton remembers how much he loves him as he holds him close.

“So? What’s up with the two of you?” Patton asks when Liam breaks the embrace.

“Me and Dani had an idea!” Liam announces.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Liam agrees, “We thought the three of us and Blythe could go out for ice cream!”

“It was Liam’s idea,” Dani quickly affirms, as if somehow trying to get out of going out for ice cream.

“Yeah it was!” Liam’s quick to agree, “Because Dani did really well on her math test today!”

Dani’s cheeks instantly turn red and she ducks her head.

“Liam,” she hisses out, “You said you wouldn’t say anything.”

“You did?!” Patton exclaims, “Dani that’s awesome!”

“It’s only because you sat and helped me,” she grumbles, “I couldn’t figure it out myself.”

“I barely helped,” Patton and insists, “and either way, you did it yourself on the test. And it’s not a bad thing to need help.”

Dani ducks her head again and continues to blsh vibrantly.

“So can we go for ice cream?” Liam pushes.

“Go get Blythe and we can,” Patton tells him. 

Logan immediately leaves Patton;’s side, sprinting out of his room and upstairs to locate Blythe, shrieking all the way.

Dani rolls her eyes at Liam’s actions.

“Hey don’t roll your eyes,” Patton teases, “Who was it that tried to sled down the stairs in a bucket of stuffed animals?”

“Patton!” she groans, “That was one time!”

“And who is it that helps Liam wake up everyone with ear-piercing screeches on Christmas morning?”

“Ugh!” she groans, and storms out of the room, but the small smile on her face doesn’t escape Patton’s notice.

Patton stands to put on a bra before following her out of his room. He meets her in the living room just as Blythe and Liam are coming down the stairs.

“I- huh- heard we’re getting ice cream apparently- ah?” she says.

“I guess so,” Patton agrees.

She sighs, smile also fond if a bit exasperated, and herds them all to the car.

Patton forgets the ride there. He writes himself a note and pulls Blythe quietly aside to inform her so he doesn’t forget to add it to his log.

Liam leads the way to the ice cream parlor and he’s about to race the final stretch to the door when a woman stops Dani.

“Are you okay?” she asks, peering intentionally at Dani.

Patton’s big brother instincts step in full speed, he scans Dani over looking for any signs of harm, physical, emotional, or otherwise.

But Dani just seems confused.

“What, yeah I’m fine?”

The woman purses her lips and leans down to whisper- though it’s plenty loud enough for Patton, Blythe, and Liam to hear.

“Do you know these people?” she asks, eyebrows knitted in tense concern as her eyes scan the three of them warily. Patton feels his stomach sink. Blythe takes a half step to the side to block Liam from view.

Dani looks outright murderous.

Patton internally begs her to think before she speaks.

“Yes,” she says, “I’m getting ice cream with my siblings. I’m fine.”

The woman blinks.

“Oh these are your siblings? But you’re…” she trails off, but all of them knew what she was going to say. White. Dani’s white. Blythe, Patton, and Liam aren’t. 

“Bye,” Dani says coldly, and turns away.

The woman mutters something and leaves. 

Exactly after, Blythe shakes her head with a suppressed tic and her arm follows. She lets out a loud yelp and immediately slams a hand over her mouth as she turns to watch the still retreating women in fear. She doesn’t turn around. Blythe takes her hand away. Liam’s smaller one clings onto it.

Besides Blythe’s tics, they’re all silently frozen for a minute.

“Hey Liam,” Dani asks, “What ice cream are you going to get.”

Liam looks up at her and pushes a smile back on his face.

“I dunno,” he says, and his cheerfulness only seems a little bit forced, “There’s so many choices. There’s strawberry but I also really like chocolate, but the sherbet is so pretty. Oh! And the cotton candy made my tongue turn blue once! That was fun!” he rambles, and the four of them continue towards the store.

Liam, predictably chooses rocky road. He almost always does, no matter how often he talks about all the other flavors. Patton doesn’t really get it. He gets cookie dough this time.

Patton’s knee is starting to hurt, so he takes his ice cream and herds his siblings to a table as Blythe pays.

“How’s your day been?” Blythe asks at one point when Dani is busy scowling at Liam as he tries to convince her to play a game with him.

“Eh,” Patton admits, because Blythe he’s always been able to be honest around, “Doctor went fine, but was frustrating. Same thing as always- they have no clue what’s going on. But I’ve had a surprising amount of spoons today which has been nice.”

“Spoons,” Liam speaks up, “But you only have one?” He stares in confusion at Patton’s spoon in his ice cream.

Patton smiles at him.

“Yeah. This is a different type of spoon.”

“What other types of spoons are there?”

“Lemme show you,” Patton. He looks around, but doesn’t find any spoons. But Blythe is a;ready way ahead of him, speaking to someone at the counter with a smile. The person’s face is drawn and they are a bit, but they pass over a large handful of spoons regardless.

“Okay,” Patton says as Blythe hands him the spoons. “This is something called spoon theory. I’m going to have you hold the spoons, and then we’re going to talk about your day.”

“Okay?” Liam says, confused even as Patton hands him the spoons. His smaller hands hold them awkwardly.

“So walk me through your day, share everything you did.”

“I got up and went to school today?” Liam says, almost like it’s a question.

“That’s good,” Patton encourages, “but more detail. What did you do very first today?”

“I woke up and got out of bed.”

Patton nods, and reaches over and takes a spoon from his brother’s hands. Liam looks up at him in shock.

“You took the spoon!”

“Yup,” Patton agrees, “What’s the next thing you did?”

“I took a shower.”

Another spoon is taken away. Liam doesn’t say anything this time, but watches Patton. Dani, who was previously looking at the window, tries to subtly focus her attention on what’s happening.

“I ate breakfast. I got my backpack ready for school. I walked to school. I went to all my classes. I walked home from school.”

Five more spoons disappear. Liam has less than half left.

“What happens when the spoons run out?” he asks.

“What do you think happens?” Patton encourages. Because there’s no real way for Liam to understand his life, there’s no way for Liam to understand the constant pain, the draining energy, the calculations Patton puts into each day. This is the best metaphor he’s heard of.

“Well you’re taking away spoons when I do something,” he says, “So… if I run out I can’t do more things?”

“Exactly. Good job,” Patton praises.

Liam grins at the attention, but his expression quickly morphs into a frown.

“What if I run out of spoons before the day’s over? And I can’t do anything? What happens if I don’t have more spoons?”

“You have to wait until you get spoons back,” Patton explains. “Sometimes resting helps, sometimes you just have to wait. Sometimes you wake up and you start with more spoons, or less.”

“I don’t- I don’t think I run out of spoons?” Liam says. “I don’t get it.”

“That’s okay,” Patton encourages, “It’s not supposed to be you, it’s supposed to be me.”

“Well why do you have spoons and I don’t? Am I going to get spoons one day? It doesn’t seem very good.”

“I have spoons because I’m disabled. It’s how my life works. I start with spoons and I have to learn how to use them and manage them so I don’t run out. And that can be really hard.”

“So you rest more. And can’t do as many things sometimes,” Liam adds on.

“Yeah,” Patton encourages.

Liam frowns and quickly whispers some things to himself, setting down spoons as he does so. Eventually, all of them rest on the table.

“There’s not enough spoons for ice cream,” he realizes. “I’m sorry. I made you come.”

“You didn’t make me come,” Patton tells him, “Ice cream did take a spoon. But I have a bit more spoons today, and it was a spoon I was willing to spend. I’m okay. I just need you to listen to me when I sometimes say I can’t do things or need a break or need more time. Okay? Can you do that?”

“Yes!” Liam is quick to reassure. Dani nods slightly off to the side.

“Awesome,” Pat says, “Thank you.”

Soon enough, Liam is rambling about his day again, even getting Dani to chip in about hers as they finish their melting ice cream. It’s a nice moment.

-

The next morning Patton wakes up to a screeching alarm clock and a buzzing phone. He groans, shutting the alarm off first before checking his texts.

It’s a group chat, with three names he doesn’t recognize, asking him about dates for something. He frowns and opens it, scrolling up the chat to realize it’s a group project for one of his classes. They’re asking him about dates to meet up. 

But the dates they sent don’t work for him, Patton knows they don't. Why don’t they?

He checks his phone calendar, realizes that’s when he has to go back to the doctor. He- he has to get some tests done, right? 

He’ll check his notes later to be sure. Right now he needs to text the group chat that he can’t do those dates

To: Group

Patton: Sorry cant do those times. Doctors appointment.

Now that that’s done, he gets out of bed. 

And the moment he stands a spasm of pain rolls through his back. He catches himself on his bed before he falls over and hisses through grit teeth. The pain starts to subside. Somewhat.

He takes a breath. He waits a minute. Then, he carefully stands full upright, focusing on each tiny movement his back makes.

It feels like it’s on fire. But at least now it’s starting to simmer versus torch him. He carefully rolls his shoulders. His back settles somewhat, settling at a low familiar ache. Patton doesn’t risk his binder today. Dysphoria sucks, but the chance of causing further damage to his back and increasing his pain isn;t worth it. He grabs his cane.

-

Patton’s day sucks.

His back continues to spasm at random points, sending harsh shooting pains all across it. He doesn’t want to risk stretching out at school, where he doesn’t have a place to lie down or someone to help him if he needs it. But he’s pretty sure that sitting all day is making it worse. 

It hurts.

But finally it’s his last class of the day and the bell’s ringing and Patton can finally go home and there’s a person approaching him and she’s saying his name and Patton really does not want to talk to anyone right now he wants to rest.

But Patton doesn’t know what she wants, maybe she needs something, so he puts on a bright grin and nods in her direction from his seat.

“You can't keep flaking,” she tells him.

Patton blinks- unsure what she’s even talking about. She seems to know him but Patton has literally zero clue who she is and he doubts she’d be okay with him asking if her aggressive attitude is anything to go off of.

“What?” he says instead.

“Look. This is a group project. That’s two days in a row you’ve said you can’t meet up during, with the same excuse of a doctor’s visit. You need to put in effort here.”

Oh. Patton knows who she is now.

There’s a little bit of anger that comes with her statement too. Because here she is, coming in with anger and aggression because Patton’s missed two days and automatically assumes he’s lying. He gets it- most people don’t go to the doctor as often as he does. But she could have been nicer.

Patton doesn’t blame her though. Maybe she’s had a bad day. Most people do use the “I have to go to the doctor” excuse. 

Either way, she does need to hear the truth.

“I wasn’t flaking,” he insists.

“Really?” she asks, an eyebrow raised and shaking her head, “Two doctor’s appointments in two weeks?”

“Yes.”

“What could you possibly need to see a doctor about twice in two weeks now?”

Patton admits that at this point his patience is thinning. He’s telling the truth and now she’s pressing into his private medical information and it’s not fair. It’s not fair, Patton shouldn’t have to share this with her but she expects him to. Why is Patton expected to share everything medical with everyone?

She doesn’t know though. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know.

That makes it okay?

“That’s private information,” he eventually settles on.

She’s not going to believe him. She’s not- Patton can see it on her face, her disbelieving eyes, her scorn. She doesn’t believe and there’s no way she will unless Patton tells her everything- about how his memory doesn’t fucking work and sometimes he forgets huge chunks of times and he still doesn’t know her name and forgets that he’s even in a group project because his memory doesn’t even work-

She huffs.

She doesn’t believe him.

“This project is really important,” she tells him, “And I need an A in this class. Get your shit together.”

She storms out of the classroom.

Patton sighs, takes a breath. It’s surprisingly hard to breathe. He stands carefully, watching his back for any signs that it doesn’t like what he’s doing. It hurts. He stands, grabs his cane, leaves the classroom. He goes home. He’s not sure what else he can do.

~

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[noblechaton]

okay so this is a post I’ve wanted to make for a lil while now but I’ve been kinda....not huge on talking about what’s been going on with me health-wise bc it’s been so stressful (and writing all of this on mobile would suck lol) but anyway I feel like explaining why I haven’t been writing or even really posting too much

also a lil warning here but it gets a bit gross due to what’s going on lately so uh be careful near the end of this if ur squeamish (like me) and also this is very long bc it sorta recounts the last 6-7 months so it might be a bit messy looking

alright so. on october 28th after getting poor, fragmented amounts of sleep and having nothing to eat besides fast food bc it’s all my family got (mcdonalds in the morning and chinese food for dinner) I had this awful scary pain in my chest (upper left side, at that) and it worried me real bad but I pushed thru for a few days bc i thought maybe it’d clear itself up and stuff

but it didn’t and so after maybe a week or so with it I told my parents and we first went to my aunt’s urgent care place for an EKG (which was normal) but we were soon set up for a doctor’s appointment (my first in like....at least 5 years. probs more tbh) and he examined me but wasn’t able to figure anything out so he set up some further tests at a cardiologist and those came and went (an echocardiogram and a stress test along with some more EKGs) and all of them went well so we still had no idea what the issue is/was but I was put on a lot of medications to try and see if anything helped (plus I got put on antidepressants which was nice for a bit but they caused problems physically so I’ve stopped taking them)

by like mid febuary I think?? (and after totally reorganizing my diet for a few months to include healthier stuff and exercise) the issue started to fade and for a minute I thought it’d worked itself out

but then like two weeks before march started my wrists and ankles started hurting bad enough to cause my hands and feet to twitch and shake which terrified me but I didn’t say anything (mostly bc my family, namely my mom, is/was getting fed up with my medical stuff and I didn’t wanna make her more mad lol) however it stopped a lil before march really started

but then my head started pounding nonstop and it hurt super bad for 5 weeks (urgent care did nothing bc like. they just can’t do anything for that) and near the end of it I went and got an MRI done which came back good, just like the cardio stuff did earlier (tho it pointed out a minor sinus infection which I think is what caused/causes it??)

then near the end of march (and after taking appropriate OTC stuff for sinus infections) it sorta lessened and has since eased up despite some flare ups here and there which might be caused by....whatever’s going on now, which brings me to....

two or so days before the MRI I ended up vomiting up some food which was weird bc I don’t really vomit and then it happened the next day too and I got worried but at first I thought it was food poisoning since my diet had kinda shifted back to bad habits due to the head pains but then the day of the MRI and the day or two after that the puking stopped only to then started back up again

now something I realized after a while was that I wasn’t like actually puking like normal puke but instead it looked like it was just my food (not to be too gross but I could/can see actual pieces of food as they would have looked in my mouth sometimes) which led me to (sort of) figuring out that what I’ve been doing is actually regurgitating for some reason (everything from typical food finely chewed to apples to certain drinks like apple juice and even water sometimes to straight up mucus that runs down my throat/gets sniffled) and my throat has felt weird, like knotted up?? tight?? or something even tho I’ve only had minor difficulties swallowing sometimes (a lot of the pain/issue comes when I speak I think)

so that’s where I’m at now. for w/e reason I can’t get anything besides water and crackers down consistently (and even then those still come up sometimes) and I’ve been looking for solutions myself or to at least figure out what it is since I sort of need to be able to eat more than just once every few days (tho I seem to keep toast down which is nice)

mostly I’ve been leaning towards GERD since there’s no real/overt pains, I’ve had acid reflux all my life as far as I can remember, and it ties in with the upper chest pain and headaches but then I wasn’t doing this for the last ~7 months, this regurgitating thing only just started, so I’m not entirely convinced tho idk what else it could be (the doc I spoke to today mentioned a hernia thingy?? which is what I leaned for at first when it was just chest aches and looking at symptoms now it does kinda fit still but also it doesn’t?? so idk) 

and this entire time I’ve been scared out of my mind bc of various reasons (from not knowing what’s going on to what my body’s actually been doing to my own family members kinda not helping to put it very lightly lol) and that’s kinda why my writing drive has been next to nonexistent and I haven’t been posting all that often (and part of why I haven’t seen the ML finale - I don’t need that kinda feeling rn lmao)

now tho the plan is to get an endoscopy at the hospital sometime soon I think (I’m waiting for a scheduling phone call rn) while taking prilosec (which....isn’t really working tbh) and I’m just kinda trying to hang in there and not freak out too badly but it’s been hard lol

hopefully we can set this thing up today and get it done asap so I can maybe start being myself again sooner rather than later assuming I even can but yea!! I appreciate the patience and kindness that’s been offered to me over the last few months especially since y’all didn’t even know I was going thru anything lmao

also!! real quick!! another (maybe not as major) reason as to why writing’s slowed so much is bc I sorta ran out of room in my room and started stacking stuff on my computer and typing out full fledged fics on my lil ipod (yes, ipod, not phone) is uh really hard!! but I managed to clean some stuff up in between all of this and once I get better I’ll be doing more cleaning in my room to try and have my computer back full time

[mcad-ae]

How to Practice Mindfulness, with Jes Roseberg

As MCAD students and faculty continue to navigate this difficult time, adjunct Product Design professor Jes Rosenberg’s yoga business is working to help parents and children stuck within their homes. The Adventure of Superstretch™ is a web page, app, and physical class that helps children learn yoga poses and physically engage with their own bodies. They teach that “Balance is a superpower!” and use many cartoon characters to demonstrate the various poses and methods to any age group and skill level. 

Superstretch Yoga™ is the top app for kid’s meditation, health, and wellness. Kids are able to learn alongside videos of other kids, animated characters, and music. The “adventure” is led by Superstretch, the super hero ready to teach any age the power of balance and stretching. Recently, Jes and Superstretch were featured in a Wall Street Journal article entitled “Family Going Stir Crazy? These Apps, Websites, and Games Could Help!” as an app to help parents in quarantine. 

Jes is an adjunct for product design courses at both the University of Minnesota and MCAD. She brings wellness and mindfulness into her curriculum at both institutions. In her current class at MCAD, Design Drawing, she works to integrate activities such as improvisational games and stretching exercises to unite the right and left brain and leave her students ready to learn. By teaching in this method, she emphasizes her belief in teaching her students how to think creatively and divergently, instead of just lecturing about technique. This prepares her students for life, instead of just giving the skills needed to pass the class. 

Due to her particular expertise, I asked Jes for her advice and thoughts on getting through the current global crisis. She responded-

“Navigating this new reality, our current life experience, is challenging. I’m feeling all my ‘feels’. Scattered, overwhelmed, afraid, uncertain, fried, goofy… There are lots of emotions happening and way too much computer time.  Plus, I’m eating a LOT of food from my fridge between all of the Zoom and Google Meetings. 

I love this B.K.S. Iyengar quote, “You do not need to seek freedom in a different land, for it exists with your own body, heart, mind, and soul.” This is so true! NOW is the time to tap into that freedom. 

In mindfulness practices (movement, breath work, meditation) I teach my students that through difficulties arise opportunities for evolution. We have a CHOICE when dealing with something unknown, something scary. So, one should be curious, walk up to the edge and take a step back, a couple of deep breaths to reflect and reframe your mindset and then you can determine what is the best course of action.

Mindfulness is a moment to moment awareness practice. Our mind is our biggest asset and we need to exercise and nurture it to be our best selves. Practice helps us to change our relationship to our thoughts which, at times, can be very cruel and negative. Paying attention is a muscle. All practice really is, is like taking a shower! It’s emotional hygiene that helps to integrate mind and body. You become intentional with your attention in your life and you can strengthen the circuitry to focus. It will make you calm, courageous and connected. 

I teach designers, just like in mindfulness practices, to be proactive vs. reactive in life situations. Design, like life, is fluid and ever-changing. I work to teach students to learn techniques to be innovative, resilient and thrive. To test and research all ideas because there is no bad idea as you are creating products for the future. 

Designers, and creativity, need to live in a no-judgement zone. To keep a beginner’s mind and see life with childlike wonderment is tough, not easy. It’s hard to open up to the freedom to be your best self. Yes, you need to be vulnerable. Yes, you need to practice every damn day because practice is progress and we don't always have good days. 

Life is organized chaos. This situation and time is very scary and frightening. It feels like we are living the full catastrophe. Give yourself space to listen. Be compassionate and empathetic to others but most importantly, to yourself. You can be resilient and thrive. Turn this obstacle into an opportunity.” -Jes Rosenberg

Jes also took the time to add some different techniques and activities to do throughout our time in quarantine. For other easy and fun activities, follow her instagram @superstretchyoga or @jes.rosenberg

Easy mindfulness practices to try in quarantine:

 o   Laugh and Smile Often. A smile is very powerful. And a deep belly laugh is like doing a sit up! Laughter creates a more positive state of being and can get you through a tough day. It also produces mirror neurons so when one-person similes the other person you are engaging with literally feels like smiling and leads to an optimistic attitude.

o   Breathe Deeply. Invoke the relaxation response by taking some deep breaths, exhaling thoroughly. It is so cathartic and will give you a “glow from within” vibe as it sends serotonin, the happy hormone, through your body. You could even repeat a soothing word every exhale like, “peace” or “calm”.

Our breath is the tool that makes our body fully functional. And the effects of breath, meditation and yoga on our body are incredible. When we harness the pure potential of our breath we come into alignment. We become grounded like a tree that is firmly rooted, healthy, nurtured and flexible. If we grow deep roots we can stand on our own two feet, bear fruit and flourish. Once we are settled, centered in our mind and body then our physical and emotional self can be its best. Aligned with purpose, meaning and value.

 o   Set a Positive Intention for the Day. Before getting up each morning and making the bed, plug-in to your heartfelt desire, paving the way to a positive attitude and outcome. 

o   Meditate. Meditation is the express ticket to happiness but the practice takes discipline. It should never be forced so if a seated meditation is not calling you yet, find something that puts you “in the zone” for optimal alignment. Normal activities like reading a book, listening to soothing music, cooking, painting, running, sitting and having coffee is a form of meditation. Even laying down for five minutes simply breathing; one hand on your heart, the other on your tummy feeling the rise and fall of the diaphragmatic breaths, is a meditation. (Just set a timer so that if you fall asleep, you can wake-up and still go on with your day!)

The practice just needs to be something that offers you moment-to-moment joyful awareness. Whatever you can do to feel time and space disappear and you can let thoughts come and go, and flow, without getting attached to them. 

MRI brain scan studies suggest that regular meditation reliably and profoundly alters the structure and function of the brain to improve the quality of both thought and feeling. Research also shows that mindfulness increases the capacity for empathy and social connectedness as well as positive emotions, such as love, joy, gratitude and contentment. 

o   Journal. Don't feel like writing? Start with a one-line-a-day gratitude book. Focus on one thing you are grateful for and write it down even on your phone or in an app. 

o   Do Nothing. Create a ‘do nothing’ sacred space in your house and just RELAX. Daydream for a half-hour with no guilt. Light a candle and breathe-in a relaxing scent. Lavender, cedar and pine are healing during busy times. 

o   Kindness. Treat people, and yourself, with compassion and kindness. Do small favors for people, expecting nothing in return. The best way one can uplift their own life is to uplift the lives of others.  

o   Give Yourself Credit. Make a list of your accomplishments. Feel Gratitude and Appreciation. Instead of a ‘To Do’ list make a ‘To Be’ list. You could even do a seven-day gratitude challenge with your family? 

o  Live Green. Take a nature walk and get some fresh air. Water a plant. Branch out and blossom. Recycle. Plant a tree. Find things that are sustainable and fulfilling. Cultivate new friendships. 

o   Reach Out. Texting and FaceBook messaging is great but try to call at least one family member or friend a day on the phone. Or write a letter snail-mail style!

o   Give. Zoom out and sense a whole new perspective. Spend a few minutes each day contemplating something greater than you. Reach out and support the community or a local non-profit with a helping hand, offer a hug, lend a listening ear, share time, learn about something new, read a “meditation a day” book, have lengthy discussions with people.

o   Digital Detox. Just 20 minutes away from a computer or smartphone restores your brain function and makes room for creativity. So, move around and shake off the old energy. Recharge your super human machine. Have a dance party. Draw a warm bath and dive in. Sing out loud. 

o   Chair Yoga. Reach, stretch, twist and even try a forward fold. Mindful movement and exercise rebalances the nervous system and allows you to de-stress and relax so that you can focus on the task at hand.

o   Respond Wisely. Be proactive vs. reactive when faced with challenging situations. Take a deep, thoughtful breath before you speak. 

o   Nourish Yourself. One is what they eat, so make healthy choices. Try to avoid processed foods. Can you avoid sugar for a whole week? 

o   Hydrate. Grab a glass and take a sip of water. Did you know that more than 1/2 of our body is made up of water? The water inside of us helps us to keep everything vital and functioning. It increases energy, relieves fatigue, flushes out toxins and boosts the immune system. Plus, it puts you in a good mood so drink up!

Please remember to care for yourself in this time of crisis.

[gorogues]

Thank you all for your kind words and concern!  I hope things are well with all of you and life is good :)

purplecyborgnewt replied to your text post: Sorry about the neverending health issues, you and your cats have my best wishes

Thank you very much :)  I feel like it'd be easier to handle my own health problems if I wasn't stressing about the cats, so I just want the two of them to get well and stay well for a good long time.  I did end up calling the vet when I remembered the clinic would be closed for most of the weekend, so we've started Lisa on a new round of antibiotics and probiotics...hopefully it does the trick this time.

belphegor1982 replied to your text post: I'm so sorry, Lia - anybody would be stressed as hell. *hugs* I hope you get solid answers soon and everything clears up!

Thank you very much!  My dad had his gallbladder out so I won't be surprised if the surgeon decides to remove mine.  A person can function without one (although digestion is more difficult) and can function if it has stones, but if a stone gets loose and then lodged in the bile duct it's very painful and possibly fatal.  Plus a poorly-functioning gallbladder can cause pain and digestive issues, although that's not life-threatening AFAIK.  So doctors weigh the odds, I guess.  The surgeon speculated that maybe my IBS symptoms have been gallbladder issues all along and that's a pretty interesting theory, though we probably wouldn't know unless it was removed and the 'IBS' symptoms improved.

lupintyde replied to your text post: You need to REST, Lia! *hugs* I hope things get better for you.

Thank you, I'm trying to!  It's very weird how things have been recently -- whenever I've over-exerted myself or get tired, I start feeling exactly like I've got a cold (chills, sore throat, body aches, etc) or get dizzy.  And then those symptoms go away when I've gotten some sleep.  I guess the body has its ways of making its needs or displeasure known.

ohhicas replied to your text post: Holy shit, please rest up ;; I hope all the tests come back with only good news.

Thank you very much, I hope so too!  We could use some good news around here, and some peace and quiet...and rest sounds really great right now :)  Hopefully things get better and calmer for everyone who’s been going through a tough time recently.

sammysdewysensitiveeyes replied to your text post: Hey, i hope you are feeling better soon, and that your health woes are resolved quickly. Fingers crossed that it's all benign and harmless.

Thank you :)  Yes, at this point I'm just really hoping that whatever's in the kidney is benign and not hampering its function in any way.  The surgeon I saw this week isn't dealing with the kidney (at least not yet), but he was looking at the MRI results and asked me if the kidney finding was going to be pursued.  It made me a little more nervous to know that another doctor thinks it's a signficant finding, and it's not just my family doctor being paranoid.  But hopefully it's nothing significant.

I don't know when I'll be seeing the kidney specialist or getting the gallbladder test, because the Canadian health care system's chief flaw is that things often move very slowly.  But I'm grateful for the system we have, we're fortunate.

secondratevillain replied to your photo post: I'm fairly certain James' "Supervillain Weapon Disposal" is canonically him just hoarding the Rogues' old guns in storage so they can't have them.

You're right, it is canonical!  If it works it works, but as we saw it didn't exactly work so it wasn't the greatest of plans.  He should have simply destroyed them for safety’s sake.

ohhicas replied to your photo post: Someone tell James that hoarding them for yourself isn't technically a good thing

His rationale in the Presidential Race story was that stashing the Rogues' weapons kept them off the street, and there is some merit to the idea -- but as we saw, the weapons weren't exactly secured and Roscoe easily stole them.  I really don’t like that story though, so it's not a huge surprise to see multiple people holding the idiot ball there.  So many infuriating flaws which dragged down a cool premise.