#plus had major depressive episodes

[redrosecarnage]

mental illnesses are only genetic for the rest of the family. when it comes to me though suddenly nobody knows why i act the way i do

[phagodyke]

SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK

[plixiedust]

it’s 5 in the morning as I post this but it’s better early than never ABAHAJJHH

I could literally write for ages but I literally wouldn’t be here rn if it wasn’t for this show it changed my life for the better. For the past year or so of me being into it a lot of bad events happened in my life and suffering through major depressive episodes, I’ve gotten through it like “the monkey team wouldn’t want me to be like this” and stuff like that. I guess it was just motivational for me but it genuinely got me through life. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a strong special interest in ANYTHING before, let alone for this amount of time. It also got me interested in real life primates in general, and also formed one of the career path possibilities of me volunteering at a primate conservation place someday. I know I haven’t been in the fandom for long but I’m glad to have met the friends that I have here and I’m so grateful for being here since it’s been really fun so far. I always get so embarrassed talking about my interests in real life but this for me is different I think, I’m passionate about telling all the lore in detail and I think it helped me open up more as a person. Plus it changed my artstyle for the better at drawing animals LOL. I know that’s a lot but I thought I would share my experiences as an autistic girl and having a special interest to this show. It’s all I can think about when I’m happy or when I’m upset and need to feel better. All I’m really trying to say is, Happy 20th anniversary guys!!! I hope you guys are just as happy and excited as I am <3

I really wanted to draw some renaissance inspired religious imagery lately and I thought “hey, why don’t I draw the monkey team as this? It’s two things I’m interested in and it would make history in general easier to get interested in for me personally.” Despite me not being the most religious person ever it was really fun to study the art during this time when working on this. And honestly, I started drawing this on Monday and just working my ass off to get it done today since I didn’t think I would in time. Enough of my yapping. THIS SHOW HAS BEEN OUT LONGER THAN I HAVE BEEN ALIVE WOOHOO! Starts running up and down the walls. Also this literally took me like 14 hours so notes of any sorts appreciated. 🫶 sorry my reach is kinda bad LOL

[arcadia75]

Why Janeway needs a therapist

I got a request for a follow-up to list out why Janeway also needs to see a therapist

Note: I'm treating at least Mosaic as canon. Some of the Voyager stuff might be out of order and probably forgetting stuff.

Got captured by Cardassians and had to listen to her Captain be tortured (and was possibly tortured herself)

Lost her fiancé and father in a shuttle accident, in which she could maybe have saved one of them but didn't

We have no knowledge of what she may have been thru in her career before Voyager. Wolf 359? Other battles?

Lost x% of her crew when thrown to the Delta Quadrant

Made the decision to blow up the Array that stranded the remainder of her crew 70 years from home

Effectively lost another fiancé by stranding herself 70 years from home

Had to deal with a race wanting to steal her crews organs

Had to deal with a Cardassian spy on her ship

Had to deal with integrating the Maquis crew into her Starfleet crew

First Officer got kidnapped by above Cardiassian spy

Got hyper-evolved into a salamander and had babies with her helmsman

Had to deal with Q, on multiple occasions

Saw a double of herself blow up her ship to save them, plus had to accept a duplicate Ops officer and baby onto her ship

Had to kill one being to get her Security officer and Morale officer back

Got stranded on a planet with her first officer, fell in love with him, and then got rescued where they had to go back to being just friends

Got ship taken over by hostile force and then stranded on another planet, where crew died

Had to rescue her Ops officer and Helmsman from prison

Ferengi fucked up a way home

Had to deal with time traveling back to 1996 Earth and saving the future

Single handedly fought a macrovirus to save the ship

Died. Then gaslight by an entity posing as her dead father

First Officer brainwashed by a bunch of former Borg

Had to save officers from a rouge holodeck program written by the Cardassian spy from 3 years ago

Had to make a deal with the Borg, that her First Officer kind of went back on and then fought with him

Had to rehabilitate a former Borg drone

First Officer brainwashed to fight in a alien war

Brain chemistry messed with by aliens doing experiments

Destroyed the ship in a timeline that reset

Fiancé officially broke up with her.

Aliens captured the ship and brainwashed entire crew to participate in war simulations

Switched bodies with some of her crew (was this in Vis a Vis or just fanfic?)

Had to deal with the Omega particle

Alien that they all forget was on their ship and fell in love with her First Officer

Duplicated into goo, then dies later when she doesn't realize she's a duplicate

Major depressive episode during a part of space with no stars

Gets her crew killed by deciding to try a slipstream drive

Demoted helmsman for defying orders

Had to play mind games with alien who wanted to fuck her

Had to discipline her love struck ops officer when she's not getting any herself

Drove her First Officer/Best Friend/Would be lover to the brink of madness to save the ship

More temporal mechanics shenanigans

Found another Starfleet ship and then they turned out to be killers and crazy

Holographic boyfriend malfunctions

Former alien crew member who evolved to a higher being comes back super pissed off

Willingly assimilated into a Borg

Had to help First Officer put the ship back together after it was split into 37 different timeframes

Brainwashed to work in a factory, falls in love with an alien, forced to give him up when her memory gets restored

Had to deal with future self coming back and telling her the awful things about the future

Watched First Officer/Best Friend/Would be Lover get involved with her protégé

At least a year we don't know about. Hopefully she saw a therapist

Promoted to Admiral then sends Starfleet flagship on a mission that costs the life of one of their most beloved officers

Three years we don't know about. Hopefully she at least took a couple vacations

Sends Former First Officer / Best Friend / Would be Lover on a mission where he gets lost 52 years into the future

Spends possibly 3 years looking for said First Officer / Best Friend / Would be Lover

Retires! Buys a nice house! Gardens!

Forced out of retirement cuz synthetic beings attack Mars shipyards

[freesia-writes]

Lil Life Update for Y'all <3

I've been a lil cryptic or back-n-forth, I think, and just wanted to share a little bit about what's been going on. I say it's not for attention but who knows what motives lurk under there, LOL. It's mostly because I love you all and want to let you in, also hope that it's encouraging or connective for anyone else who's experienced the same, and also I just miss the community I have sooooo loved here. 🥹

I'm a 34yo female with 2 kids aged 4 and 7. I had depression like crazy during and after my second pregnancy especially. In Aug 2021, my primary doc suggested I try something like Zoloft since I'd been complaining of irritability, no capacity, constant worry, and other anxiety symptoms. When I did feel some relief and felt encouraged that I could "feel like myself" again, I pursued solutions for other issues I was noticing. Over the last year and a half, it's been quite a ride. ADHD symptoms led to Adderall for 4 days, then Wellbutrin for a few months, then Buspar for a few months, then Strattera (tapering up and then back down) for about 3 months, then Ritalin for 1 month, which I thought was helping until we realized that the entire month of October was basically an increasingly manic episode.

Whew.

We're talkin 2007 Britney here (ok I didn't shave it but I cut my hair off into a pixie). Spent thousands on a new wardrobe of the "dark academia" style. Bought Disneyland tickets. Invested in a photography mentorship. So much energy and inspiration. Then we realized it was getting out of hand.

I had also been tapering off a lot of the meds over the last two months, so it was just a crazy cocktail of chemicals that made my brain finally go kaput. I finished the last dose of Zoloft on November 5th, and that was the last of the meds, so now I'm off everything. My therapist thought the mania was medication-induced due to all the changes plus the addition of the stimulant, so the goal was to try to allow everything to settle down and see what "baseline" is for me right now.

And it has been frickin HARD.

Cervical vertigo. All-or-nothing sleep and appetite. Extreme sensory sensitivity. Random itchiness. Racing mind. Total inability to focus. And the worst part has been the mood swings.

I'm basically having all the symptoms of bipolar disorder in a rapid-cycle format. It may be cyclothymia, or it may be the withdrawal effects from all the meds, but regardless... It's been quite the roller coaster. The nerd in me has been fascinated by the experiential knowledge of it all, since I majored in Psychology and have always loved learning about it, but the overall negative effects on me and my family have been difficult.

I'm someone who has always relied completely on being highly capable and in control. I find my worth in my productivity and competence. And it has caused increasing stress throughout my life. I've been praying for years that God would break me of it, and I can see how he is using this to do precisely that -- lovingly trying to answer my request to be freed of this relentless pursuit of the illusion of control. He's inviting me to simple, joyful life of trust. The perspective shift is so freeing when I realize that I don't need to have it all figured out because he already does, and I can just rest in his loving guidance and look to him for the next step instead of trying to plan out every possible outcome and strategy. I went on a reflective retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains and just felt so encouraged and loved in the way he invited me to let my shoulders down and to ground myself in his warm provision and care.

But the change doesn't happen overnight.

So in the middle of a total storm of bipolar symptoms -- days of mania followed by days of depressive episodes and being so new at it all that I don't know how to navigate "normal life" with all of that -- I'm also trying to rewire 34 years' worth of the way I think and act. BUT it's a blessedly simple process: the only thing I have to worry about is this moment. I can't affect the future or the past. So all I have is right now, and I can turn to God for guidance, encouragement, insight, or anything I need in this moment, and he is so faithful to give it. But man, it's easy to forget. ;)

Literally me with that right now, trying to figure it all out on my own before I remember I can't and don't need to:

Anyway, this got LONG, surprise surprise, but I've always enjoyed being vulnerable for the sake of connection and potential encouragement. And selfishly, I'd LOVE to hear from any of you who may have had similar experiences. Right now the fixation of my [very limited] capacity is on my photography business, but I've been feeling drawn to writing more and more, and have attempted a lil drabble here and there. So I'm just patiently waiting for the inspiration to return. :)

I have so appreciated the love from you all. I also haven't been as active with reading/reblogging/supporting/etc as I was, and that's just where I'm at right now, but please know that my heart is with you even if my brain is not, LOL.

If you made it this far, you get a gold star. Or a Howzer hug. Or somethin. :)

[episodeoftv]

Round 1 of 6, Group 1 of 4

Propaganda is under the cut (671 words) - may contain spoilers

summaries (pulled from imdb or wikis)

propaganda

Chén Qíng Lìng/The Untamed - 1.50 Episode 50

The mastermind who plans everything has appeared. He's not someone who wouldn't think he would be the one who is behind everything, including Wei Wuxian's comeback. Who would that be?

I nominate this final on grounds of CCP information control, censorship and homophobia. They were so scared of the power of wangxian that they ended up banning ao3 in china and in the show they have to inexplicably have them part ways just to hammer home the no-homo. Plus the show is just kind of objectively bad.... but it rewires your brain all the same

Supernatural - 15.20 Carry On

cw: suicide

After Chuck is defeated and someone takes his place, Sam and Dean go about their life of hunting, but things don't turn out as expected.

1) you know why 2) god. where do i fucking start. this episode completely ignores this large cast of characters that were considered family in order to make it the "just two brothers" show again, scrapping basically every shred of character development shown throughout the course of the show, cutting out incredibly important characters at the last second (i.e. eileen being replaced with blurry wife for no fucking reason, cas not being there at all despite the whole love confession/ dying for dean that happened just two episodes before). in the penultimate episode the boys fight god. the finale? a random vampire from an episode of season one, who up until this point had never been mentioned again. then we have Dean being impaled on a very phallic looking spike and, after a speech about it just being about the brothers, dies. he then goes to heaven, where his father figure tells him his abusive dad is just down the road. he hops in his car (also in heaven, somehow) and drives for the next 60 odd years waiting for Sam to die. meanwhile, sam is moving on with blurry wife and i shown with a son named dean (as seen stitched onto his clothes), and we eventually see sam, now old and clad in the crustiest looking wig i have ever seen, die in the hospital. he goes to heaven, meets Dean on a bridge, and the last shot is the entire cast and crew on the bridge saying goodbye, completely shattering the fourth wall because fuck it, who cares anymore. and this isn't even mentioning everything that happened after. just an absolute mess the whole way through. 3) Random villain from season 1 kills one of the main characters, he goes to heaven and drives around while the other main character gets a montage of growing old a horrible wig. And that's not even all. 4) It abandoned 15 years of series theme and character growth, veered away from the natural story line and failed to resolve major plot threads. Dean deserved better, and so did Cas. See also Jared's terrible wig, Dean jr, Dean driving through heaven for five minutes... 5) Dean dies in the most anticlimactic way, cheap wig, blurry wife 6) There was no Castel :( 7) I mean... 8) destroyed every character arc in one fell swoop. the guy who tried to kill himself and struggled with depression throughout the show ended up killing himself anyway! was cas’s death even important? who was blurry wife? why was the absolute ugliest toddler imaginable cast to play Sam’s son? but in order to truly grasp how decimating this finale was, you have to understand the queerbaiting between 15.18 and the finale. why did Misha post that pic in the onion field with Uriel. why was Misha originally credited to be in 19 episodes of the final season on IMDb. why was . Hrrgghh. 9) Do I even need to write propaganda for this one? Even though it was the series finale we are still here after 3 years 😂 Title said 'carry on', but the fandom said 'nah, time for season 16'. 10) Bad old man makeup and no castiel 11) Everything had been neatly wrapped up in the previous episode. Then they decided "Hey you know what would be great? If we just killed one of the main characters." They killed him for no reason. He deserved to live a full life, have a family, retire, but nope! He met his match in a RUSTY NAIL. Not to mention that there were terrible wigs, blurry wives, and subtextual incest vibes involved.

+ After it aired, one of the actors unfollowed everyone who had anything to do with the episode.

[butterflydm]

wot rewatch (book spoilers edition): 2x1

And here is the very spoiler-filled follow-up to my earlier post!

Not only is this one going to have spoilers for all the aired episodes plus any teasers, it will also have book spoilers through book 11: The Gathering Storm.

Thinking of the Darkfriend Social in terms of spoilers -- the x-ray notes that the 'location' for the scene is Tel'aran'rhoid. What does that mean for the little girl? Hmm.

2. I also wonder if this scene isn't set a little earlier than the rest of the episodes are set. We know that by the end of this episode, it's been a full year since 1x1, because Bel Tine has rolled around again. Other things that this being in TAR could mean: that the fallen seal is symbolic rather than reflecting reality and is a representation of the fact that Ishamael has been released from his prison.

3. Darkfriend roll call! We've got Fain, who is still a member in good standing (has not yet killed a Fade); we've got Lord Ingtar; we've got High Lady Suroth; we've got at least two Black Ajah sisters (Sheriam and Liandrin? One of them is wearing a black dress and one is wearing a red one, I think); we've got Unnamed Tuatha'an Mom; we've got a Whitecloak (probably Carridin). I'm not 100% on anyone else at the table. I'm pretty sure our main characters are basically surrounded by Darkfriends right now in their various storylines!

4. The storyline of Moirine fighting her depression over not being able to touch the One Power by forcing herself to have a sense of purpose each day and not give up to the despair... it really does show how poorly served the male channelers are by the Tower. After they get gentled, they get shoved into prison, basically, but the White Tower knows that a sense of purpose is what makes severed (or, in Moiraine's case, probably shielded) channelers have the will to keep living. And that gets denied to the men who are gentled.

5. Verin being merged with Vandene feels like a perfect example of a merged character -- the much more important character is plucking bits and pieces from the minor character and folding them into her characterization. It does really make me wonder how the future is going to go down, though! Will Verin be ordered to kill her own sister and feel like she has to do it in order to maintain her cover? Also: I wonder how much of the reason why Tomas 'picked' Verin over Adeleas had to do with him being a repentant Darkfriend and Verin finding out about it. Also, in our first major storyline, we have two Darkfriends interacting with main characters. Total count so far: 2.

Both the Verin/Vandene merger and the Elyas/Hurin merger should be, I think, our hints as to how the show is handling mergers and it's roughly what I would expect: the more important character swallows up the more minor character. This is why I don't think Liandrin & Elaida would be merged, because Elaida is a more important character than Liandrin, so 'Elaida' is what the merged character would have been named imo.

6. Haha I can't believe that I got so caught up in everything else that I didn't even mention Doman in my first impressions post! I loved his scenes. I think they did a good job giving him a purpose that suited what he does in the books, and he also delivers key plot info to Moiraine. Given that he calls the broken piece part of a 'moondial', I'm guessing he found part of Lanfear's seal (and he's being chased by the Shadow to recover the prophecy that he sells here to Moiraine, maybe?). I suspect that the poem is the Dark Prophecy, which means that we've already got a way for Rand to find out that he needs to go to Falme/Toman Head and he may even go there having zero idea that his friends are in trouble there (which makes sense since he's already in 'stay away from them to protect them' mode; either way would make sense to me, so I'm just curious what road the show takes).

But if Doman takes Moiraine's advice, he might be sailing right into the Seanchan's arms.

7. Egwene taking a moment to look at the official Amrylin outfit. I See You, foreshadowing. I See You. And as much as it pained me not to get my girl Elayne in the first episode, I do think it was a good idea for us to focus on Elayne and Nynaeve as they are before we get our third Wondergirl added to the mix.

8. Given that both Nynaeve and Egwene have learned about The Wonders of Poly (That Are Not For Them, Personally), I wonder if that means that we're going to get them finding out about Rand's polycule situation over the course of the series (maybe as someone for Elayne to talk to?) but in a more gradual and natural way. Also, I noticed a handful of novices watching the sparring down there, but we don't get to see the faces of the people sparring -- could one of them be a Certain Someone?

9. Haha, it's kinda weird seeing Nynaeve as a novice given that she spent zero time as one in the books. But this scene with her was a perfect illustration of why she makes a terrible novice, lol. She's perfect, but she's also a terrible novice. But also, the show is continuing to build up the characters' toolkits for the future - last season, Rand watched Moiraine pull the corruption of Shadar Logoth from Rand and this season, Nynaeve is learning how to purify water (and the Power is often compared to water/rivers). It does also point to the cleansing being more of an actual team-up instead of just Nynaeve being Rand's battery.

10. Poor Alanna is surrounded by Darkfriends in this next scene. We have Liandrin, Sheriam, and Joiya (literally every speaking character apart from Alanna is a Darkfriend in this scene, lol RIP). Total Darkfriends hanging out in main character plotlines: 5. If the show has preserved the 'heart' format from the books, it's entirely possible that none of them actually know that they're hanging out with other Black Ajah Sisters right now, too. Were Liandrin and Sheriam working together or are they both working under their own interpretations of their orders but don't know the other one is also Black Ajah? Given the way Joiya backed up Liandrin in this scene, I suspect that they may know about each other.

The show has done such a good job making Alanna understandable, empathetic, and charming. But she also has already shown herself not to be great at... appropriate boundaries.

11. We don't get much time with Uno before, well, Future Events, but the show did a good job painting his character very vividly, and using him to show the comradery that has built up between Perrin and Loial.

12. So I did a little post mentioning it but the girl who runs away while Fain is killing the other girl! I think that's the girl from the Darkfriend social scene! She looks like she's wearing the right outfit and is the right age with the right color hair. "There was a child who made it out." Her entire family (except her Darkfriend mom?) was slaughtered by Fain and his Trollocs. I wonder if we'll see her again. Hmm, actually, if Fain attacked a Tuatha'an caravan that he knew had a Darkfriend in it, was this his first move of going against the Dark One's/Ishamael's wishes?

13. Now that we're in Perrin's plotline, time to mention that Lord Ingtar, who doesn't want to hear Uno go on about how evil the traitor soldier was, is also a Darkfriend. Total Darkfriends surrounding our main characters: 6.

14. They did a good job in hitting all the main points of the actual Hunt for the Horn, tbh. In the first two episodes, we've got Perrin using his heightened senses, we've got the abandoned village and the room of flies, we've got the Fade nailed up that imo shows the moment when Fain stopped taking orders from the Dark One/Ishamael, and we've got Ingtar bonding with one of the main characters. And Rand's 'pushing people away' arc was pretty well covered with him faking his death. And Mat Suffering Terribly is also covered, lol.

15. I do feel like what Alanna tells Egwene here about poly relationships is probably something the show is going to lean into once Rand's situation starts rolling. "things are messy before they are perfect; nothing worthwhile is neat and tidy". Them leaning so much into Alanna's relationship is definitely giving me some good reassurances about poly plans for the future, because they're investing a relatively large amount of time into showing that this is a valid type of relationship to have, and explaining it to the audience.

16. Per Fain, the Darkfriends do know that 'all five' ta'veren will be important and will matter to how things go down with the Last Battle, so I feel like Liandrin trying to cultivate Nynaeve makes a lot of sense in that case. She wants to take Nynaeve under her wing to turn her to her point of view and her side. It's actually interesting to compare and contrast what Moiraine knew vs the Dark One, because they were actually pretty close in their timelines of figuring out when the Two Rivers was the hot spot.

17. I feel like it really works to give Siuan's scene to Liandrin here, in training Nynaeve. The Two Rivers folk are more vulnerable and more 'exposed' in the show than in the books. So it makes a lot of sense to me. It also feels like they are leaning into the idea that not all Aes Sedai have to 'surrender' in order to channel (so women don't always need to submit and men don't always need to dominate, per Jordan's canon), which is a change that I like.

18. And the Perrin and Ingtar stuff is also working really well for me. I think it helps his character a lot to have him be the one who is going through this with Ingtar instead of Rand (who has plenty going on already). And Ingtar! "Perhaps Padan Fain had a reason for doing what he did."

19. Moiraine's platonic breakup with Lan feels a lot more grounded in the show than it was in the books imo.

20. The letter! Oh, gosh it's so beautiful. It does feel like a little promise from the show that they aren't going to forget about the EF5 bond, and I'm hoping that we'll get more moments of reconnection than we got from the books.

21. So, what are everyone's thoughts on if what Liandrin tells Mat about the letters ("not a single mention of Mat Cauthon") counts as a lie and our confirmation that she's already Black Ajah or was it a wiggle around the truth (either going by the logic of there being multiple mentions of Mat and/or SHE didn't mention Mat and or well it doesn't ever say Cauthon)? I mean, she also seems to be keeping him as her completely isolated little secret. I feel like it's a Black Ajah clue but maybe there's wiggle room.

22. Mat also seems VERY aware that Moiraine is partly responsible for his current circumstances (he notes her along with Liandrin when he's saying he's not a danger to anyone). Liandrin probably read him the note that Lady Amalisa sent from Fal Dara. The show is doing such a better job of actually establishing Mat's motives for various ways he behaves than the books did -- in the books, he seemed to take against Aes Sedai for the terrible crime of... healing him? But selling him out to someone who has kept him locked up for six months and who spent that time psychologically torturing him is an EXCELLENT reason for him to feel wary about being around Aes Sedai. He's seen the worst of them! Because it's not just Liandrin and the Reds. It's Moiraine too!

And they did this in s1 too, giving Mat actual reasons for his canon-typical behavior by changing his background to one more fraught with tension.

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 8/20

What am I feeling today?

I had a bit of a nightmare last night and I also spent wayyy too much time in bed today. Got up around noon which is hours later than I wanted to. I just feel like I’m in a depressive episode. I just don’t really feel much lately, numb and out of it but I need to get back in the rhythm of things! I’ll work on a study for my heart today and I’ll talk through these empty feelings w my discipler.

Six Keys to Sexual Purity

Key #6 - Seek Accountability Partners to Help with Temptation

Having friends who are on the same journey is always a plus when you want to avoid temptation. You can help each other stay focused on your goals. Just remember to be honest, transparent, supportive, and trustworthy.

When seeking an accountability partner, you should have standards, set expectations, and establish boundaries. Your accountability partner should be someone who is of the same sex. Selecting a same-sex accountability partner is major because there are instances when temptation can arise when opposite-sex accountability partners connect. Your accountability partner should also be someone who will tell you the truth–even if it hurts. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisers, they succeed" (ESV). If you're trying to live a pure life, you should seek counsel from someone whose life reflects the fruit associated with Godly living, not someone who isn't even trying to walk in sexual purity.

We want to offer you a few tips to make the most of your accountability partnership:

Tip 1: Plan and Set Aside a Designated Time for Check-in

Discuss expectations when you first connect. Identify a regular time to meet; determine how you'll meet (e.g., video chat, call, text); and decide how long you'll meet (e.g., 15 minutes, 30 minutes). Put the designated time on your calendar, and treat it as a fixed appointment.

Tip 2: Share Your Journey

Be vulnerable and honest with your struggles. We overcome the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, and we love not our lives to the death. This means, to experience true freedom, you must share your testimony.

Tip 3: Choose One Thing to Conquer

Sometimes, attempts to overcome multiple issues all at once lead to failure. Instead, create accountability sessions that focus on one problem at a time. This method will help you better track your progress and communicate strengths and challenges to your partner without being overwhelmed.

Tip 4: Celebrate Your Wins

Base all of your communication around positive reinforcement. This doesn't mean you're both perfect and everything is great. This means every step in the right direction toward purity should be acknowledged and applauded.

Tip 5: Be Willing to Change Partners

If your partner starts to disappear or misses a scheduled time on more than one occasion, politely end the partnership. Take responsibility and notify your partner that the partnership isn't working out for you. Then pray and ask God to connect you with someone more compatible. Time is of the essence. There is no time to waste, especially if you're serious about your purity journey.

These are just a few tips to get you started with your accountability partner. Please feel free to adjust as needed and create a mutually beneficial plan.

Reflection:

Do you have an accountability partner? If not, ask God to connect you with other Believers who can help support and encourage you on the journey.

I do!🙂‍↕️ Everyone who is a member of our church is assigned a discipler. They are basically someone who serves as a mentor, teacher, and someone to hold us accountable. We meet every single week and strive for daily communication because Christianity is not something that you can do on your own. You need the community and the church (although, this does not replace your personal relationship with God).

Proverbs 27:6 NIV

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”

I think sometimes people struggle with this. We know that there are times when we make mistakes or need correction and when it comes from a friend it is out of love because they care about us, this is no malicious intent behind it and we shouldn’t treat as if it is.

Proverbs 15:22 NIV

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”

This is very important! we might think that we know the correct way or that our plans are right, but we must seek counsel from God in prayer and from other righteous people. They may have advice or insight that you have not seen. Or maybe, some people refuse counsel because they either know that their plan is wrong or for fear that they’ll be given advice they don’t want. For the sake of your righteous, seek counsel no matter what.

Psalm 1:1-3 NIV

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.”

Our goal and our desire should be to delight in the Lord! Cherishing and reading His word night and day instead of being caught up in the wickedness of the world. I want to be this person again. I used to be so fired up for Him but I feel that my flame has dimmed considerably. I’m trying to reignite my passion and I’m making progress but I’m still a far way off. Please pray for my heart in this area.

1 Peter 3:15 NIV

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

Sometimes I think about this and the only reason I can give is that it’s the truth. Women studied the Bible with me and taught me so much and I witnessed my life and my character transform into something new and time and time again God has listened to me, and answered my prayers, and blessed me even through my times of hardship. I know that it is nothing I have done but all through God working in my life. I pray that all of you

1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

‭‭there is great importance in this actually! There’s another scripture in Hebrews where it says we must encourage one another daily in order to protect our hearts from sin.

Proverbs 27:17 NIV

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Just a reiteration that we cannot do this alone. That we need other people to hold us accountable and being open with each other so we can help one another in our journeys.

[ikamigami]

The new episode really hit it home for me that Moon is doing a lot better as a brother for Sun(adored the July 16th video those were great), but that he might not clock just how in the gutter Sun's mental state actually is The first was him making the falling joke, notice how Sun immediately rushed in thinking Moon was in physical danger and was completely unamused by the "joke" and Moon doesn't realize why he'd be so unamused The second was Sun asking to automate cleaning because depression, and Moon joking that he's Dark Sun, Moon notices that there's something off about Sun not wanting to clean, that's anathema to his previous understanding Sun, I do hope they talk about it as Moon said This isn't to say I blame Moon, he's doing so much better than he used to be and that is incredible, but I also get why Sun is like this based on the stuff others here were saying, because even if Moon's trying hard to be better, Sun's having a hard time with it, because he's been through this once already, Nexus had done the same thing, all those promises and saying he'll be better, imploring Sun to trust him after all the abuse, and actually doing it! It was to the point that I'd argue Sun was just as close with Nexus under less time as Sun was with Old Moon, without the abuse. But then Nexus, not even after Solar's death but from Sun's perspective not long after his breakdown, seemingly flipped a switch and ripped it all away and spiraled so hard and so fast into full villainy that it caught everyone off-guard, it's like the old saying goes, "once bitten, twice shy", plus with how many times everybody's been threatened, hurt, killed, or almost killed, it makes a lot of sense that Sun's first instinct when hearing someone yell or scream is to think they're being attacked and rush to help, and not find it funny when they were just doing it for a laugh, and the guy is very depressed considering OCD cleaning is an instinctual part of his code and he wants nothing to do with it now, again not blaming any of the characters or anything, it's just character analysis, Moon is doing better and Sun is slowly learning to trust again, which is good to see Also seeing a Good Creator and retroactively reflecting on how much better everyone's lives could've been hurts, I don't even think Good Creator's Moon had a kill code, or would have one, though Eclipse and Lunar do exist in that world but who knows, either way no wonder our Sun and Moon might be jealous and want to cry about it

You're absolutely right, dear anon.

I only add some things..

Sun have not only depression - depressive episode but he also has psychosis - we can tell that from BM's hallucination and Sun's agitated state and mood swings..

After all he has depressive psychosis and currently he has psychotic episode - or in this disorder he has depressive and psychotic episode at the same time..

Sun is more irritated like we could see when he said "I'll break something one of this days" - which reminded me of goodolddumbbanana's theory that maybe Nexus will force Sun to kill Dazzle but because Dazzle can't die he'll just break her body (hmmm maybe actually goodolddumbbanana writes sams/j) - he's also more annoyed with things..

Yes, Sun not wanting to clean as much as he used to is a clear sign that he's depressed and I hope that Moon will take it seriously despite jokes and he'll talk with Sun or at least try or he'll talk with someone and ask for an advice..

Sun is clearly more depressed than before - when he had his first major psychotic episode - and what's more worrying is that he isn't aware of his mental state.. I mean he doesn't know he's depressed or it clearly doesn't seem so.. and even more so he isn't aware of having a mental disorder and that this is what causes him hallucinations..

I think that VAs did good job with showing us Sun moving on from July 16th because it'll better show viewers and also Sun and other characters later that even when he's moving past his trauma.. this trauma changed him so much and possibly forever and he's now suffering from mental disorder and a pretty serious one at that (due to dealing with suicidal thoughts and ideations and suicide attempts more often which also often end up with completed suicide - it's because patient during their depressive episodes experience psychotic episode at the same time and this agitated state and delusions is what often leads to suicide complation though I'm not saying that VAs will make Sun kill himself)

When I was obsessing over Sun being suicidal during my psychotic episode.. it was frustrating to say the least to see that people think that even having suicidal thoughts or ideations is not a big deal.. as if only being actively suicidal was somewhat more concerning.. and even if active suicidality is very dangerous and person being actively suicidal needs to be supervised.. it doesn't mean that others signs of being even passively suicidal when you suffer from depressive psychosis (or any other disorder or in general actually) means that you're not in danger..

I hate when people just downplay things like that.. and think that one group of people has worse than others..

I think that it was really so frustrating to me because people just don't know how it's like to live with depressive psychosis and having guilt delusions or delusions centered around unworthiness.. it's terribly awful mix.. and I wouldn't even wish that upon even the most evil people that exist..

Hope you don't mind my rant, dear anon 😅

Though I think that Sun will spiral one day and hopefully he won't kill anyone.. cause guilt will eat him alive this time..

I also don't want to kill himself.. but maybe he'll harn himself.. cause he'll break something one of this days.. and he snapped just like he said and killed Bloodmoon.. so who knows.. but these are my thoughts about that..

Also yeah Sun doesn't trust Moon fully yet.. but he loves him and cares about hence why he gave him another chance.. and yeah he's more alerted when someone screams in pain or in fear due to trauma and everything that happened.. all these deaths..

[loveabledirtbag]

1.08 - Braciole

Uffda, we’ve gotten to the end of season one of the bear! and it’s only now that i realize all the things i wanted to say, and still haven’t as we’ve gotten to the end of the season!

i might have to do a whole season recap and final thoughts post too! AND THEN we get into season two! uffda…i might finish this before season three comes

but anyway, let’s get into it…

i love the surrealist intro we get. it’s just a little different than most of what we’ve seen up to this point. there is a sort of lucid, dreamlike air over the whole season, but getting this really intense, disturbing cooking show nightmare scenario followed by bears in the background is just….it hits different.

but the slow descent into horror, and bleeding into his panic attack as carmy has flashbacks to his behavior in the previous episode. it’s just so well done.

the fact that he’s wearing a different color shirt when not at the restaurant, or having come from the restaurant or going to the restaurant. i like that touch. it gives the idea that carmy’s white t-shirts truly are his uniform. and his life is just so engrossed in the beef that he’s almost always on his way to, currently at, or coming home from being there. but we now have confirmation he has a shirt that’s just for him. an at home piece. plus the fact that it is black when compared to his usual white is probably significant too. we’re coming off the fact that carmy just had a major blowup at work, descending into every learned character trait from his traumatic family upbringing and working experience. he’s at his darkest moment: no longer the good knight trying to save a restaurant that means something to a community and help bring the people who work there to their fullest potential. he’s now the villain that yells and is abusive and harms those around him.

the fact that he looks at his cook books to come down is also so telling. thinking of the dishes inside of them, potentially dishes he’s made from reading them. it’s just continuing to show how broken and single minded he’s been his whole life and how harmful being so one-track can be.

hearing mikey, and (maybe? maybe not) carmy speaking as carmy is spiraling and trying to come down from his anxiety attack: hearing “let it rip” which is clearly mikey but also, “i’m gonna burn this fucking place down” which i think might be mikey but could also be carmy? honestly? not sure if anyone has confirmation on it. but with carmy’s themes of fire this season, it might be him. but of course, we also know mikey had his own fire story (which we’ll talk about in season two when we the audience learn mikey also has stories about starting fires…)

it is good, and showing on carmy’s part of how he wants to grow and change for the better, that when he woke up after his bad day and his ongoing panic attack he went to an all family meeting for al-anon. i still think it’s so weird that so many people shit on carmy for being so abusive and toxic (which he is!) but don’t talk about how he’s trying so hard to try and get better.

listen. carmy’s 8 minute long, one-take speech is absolutely, unequivocally one of the greatest things put to film. i don’t even know how to properly talk about it. but it is absolutely at least 50% of the reason why jeremy allan white deserved best actor, and why the bear deserved every award it won (and maybe a few more). it’s stunning. go watch it. now. go. this will still be here when you get back.

i think it’s interesting that carmy talks about mikey’s charisma and how everyone liked him. because we get that sense in the quick flashback we see of mikey. BUT we don’t really see that when we spend more time with mikey in season two for the “Fishes” episode. i’m curious if we’ll see a sort of marrying of the two mikey’s as the show goes on. how did the charismatic “everybody’s best friend” mikey turn into the depressive, animalistic, explosive mikey, before finally dying by suicide before season one begins. (it’s one of my notes, that maybe i’ll talk about in a later post)

but we get another little tidbit in carmy’s psychology that shows how he likes torturing himself. there’s been a few examples throughout the season that carmy actually likes all the shit he goes through. i know i mentioned them in the concurring episodes, but the one that comes to mind is when he’s talking to nat on the phone and she asks him about working at the restaurant in new york and he talks about throwing up before work every day, and when she sympathizes with him he says “i kinda dug it”, and then when he notices her reaction to him saying that he says “oh, no, no it was horrible.”. but in his monologue he talks about having oily and dry skin, having greasy hair, and getting knife cuts and garlic and onions in the cuts, and callouses and his stomach was fucked and it was….everything. like there’s something that carmy feels when he’s going through shit; a twisted love for going through pain. i think it’s a really nuanced, balanced, and deep character trait that they thread throughout the show. where you hear him say something once and you might not pay close attention to it, or maybe you’re like “oh, yeah. i kind of get that feeling. like when you work really hard and accomplish a goal.” but when you stack all of the times he makes a comment like that together you go, “ohhhhh….thats not good.”

which, i think that’s what happened with mikey. mikey was charming and charismatic and fun! but the people who were closest to him knew that he had a drug problem, and had moments of dark depressive episodes. and maybe they were far and few enough between that no one thought anything of it. and then one day mikey was dead. i think that’s one of the hardest things to realize and understand and then see with the people around you. sometimes you gotta stack up comments on top of each other with context and go, “oh. hey. everything okay?”

what follows after the 8 minute monologue masterpiece (that i will forever be jealous i can’t use in my high school theater class, but whatever i’m over it. i’m 30. i’m not THAT mad about it) is honestly an almost unsettling chill episode. and that might sound wrong or stupid to those who’ve seen it, knowing what is coming. but the way it’s filmed, the way it’s presented on screen, the way the rest of the episode plays out is this really calm, muted, sorta quiet, oppressive episode.

it sorta feels like when you have a manic episode and then what follows immediately after is a depressive episode. the anxiety hangover. we had this loud, fast, angry, explosive previous episode and what follows is the exhaustion that comes afterwards.

“she just missed the asshole. like, what happens if you get stabbed in the asshole? you can’t sew an asshole.” “i’ve seen assholes.” GOD. ebra is a comedic genius of a character and there’s never enough of him in each episode.

telling everyone that dinner service is canceled because you’re hosting a bachelor party THE MORNING of the event is a douche move. and i FULLY understand that this is TV logic of moving plot succinctly, but in real life that’s about as big a dick move as anything carmy does the whole season. which might sound severe, but private events are the FUCKING WORST. because the tips for the FOH (front of house) go out the door, and you don’t get to go in a groove of people come in and out, which means your BOH (back of house) becomes bouncers and waiters and caretakers to the guests. which they all hate doing. plus, the large amount of money you get upfront when the group rents out the place is immediately stretched thinner as the night wares on and the people stop ordering more food, but you’re also missing out on potential rushes and money. PLUS, they’re not even making money from the event, because they’re paying off a debt to cicero, so they’re losing out on all that money, AND they’re not making anything from a down payment. i wish they had thrown a line into the show of like carmy saying he just found out the news that morning too, just so the hate i feel doesn’t burn towards carmy. but i know -i know- that this is just TV stuff to make everything move along faster so we can move past it to the main plot of the show.

i do enjoy the dinner that syd and marcus have. it’s very pleasant. i also get romantic vibes here (which we’ll keep talking about in season two), and it makes things complicated because i don’t think i’m reading too deeply into things? there are ways that editors and directors craft scenes so that when you’re watching at home you pick up a vibe and like….i pick that vibe up….? is it just me? (i mean, it’s clearly not just me, because of season two. but again….more on that later)

for the entire essay i wrote on the last episode, syd and marcus complaining about carmy really rubs me the wrong way. because a lot of the stress that came about that day was their fault, and then made worse by their walking out. NOW, if i were syd or marcus would i be doing the EXACT SAME THING with my coworker? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY! and yes, carmy does deserve some hate for how he reacted when it all went shit. but like…i still think they’re conversation shows they feel absolutely no guilt or shame for their own actions and failings that caused a lot of problems last episode, and that has always rubbed me the wrong way. like…shit on carmy. he was an asshole, he deserves to be shit on. BUT LIKE…not even a line of like “i wish i had double checked the to-go orders and made sure it was turned off for preorders.” “i wish i didn’t become obsessed with donuts so much that i stopped doing my job for weeks straight. and then when shit hit the fan, i continued to make donuts as if nothing else was going on.”

“my moms like that…” i think this is the first reference to sydney’s mom. with everything we learn in season two, i wonder if this is sydney lying, or sydney remembering and using the present tense to pretend her is still alive? (sorry for spoilers for season two).

ok. so, the dish sydney makes. LOOKS INCREDIBLE. but we get a shot of the dish, and it’s just sitting in oil. just like a puddle or a small soup of oil. not the end of the world, not wrong or bad in and of itself. BUT THEN SHE DRIZZLES MORE ON? like, syd! that’s so much fucking oil! now, once again, i know that they have a real life, talented, hardcore chef who made sure everything was as perfect and realistic as possible. which means that this HAS TO be some sort of TV thing. like, they want to keep sydney moving as she talks to keep the scene dynamic, so they have her drizzle something before she serves and because of the specific dish she’s making the only thing she could drizzle without ruining the dish is more oil. but like….idk, maybe choose a different dish then? it has bugged me since the first time i watched this show and it’ll never not bug me. because it’s not only wasteful, and gonna make this dish just so incredibly oily, but like….you don’t garnish a dish with something you already added as the base of the dish. you don’t make an ice cream sundae and then on top drizzle MORE vanilla ice cream! it’s just weird.

tina checking in with carmy is so sweet. it’s speaks so much to how good the show is that my LEAST favorite character could become one of my favorites in like the course of two episodes. love mama bear tina.

the calm, familial love between richie and carmy that has slowly but surely been prodding itself out more and more each episode is just so beautifully done.

listen, you might say to yourself that violence is never the answer, but tiny pipsqueak carmy jumping into every fight possible to stop people from fighting is the most noble thing ever. like…what hope does he ever have of stopping these tall midwesterners from fighting? he just continually gets the shit kicked out of him for trying to stop people fighting and i kinda love that about him. and richie coming in to the rescue both times is also a vibe. love that about richie, stepping in as a protective older brother.

…of course this time richie almost kills a a guy and gets arrested so. not the best.

if you had put “richie gets arrested for assault, with possible charge of manslaughter depending on if the customer he punched to break up a fight” on your bingo card, good for you! i didn’t see that coming.

that richie “bad news” uses his one phone call to call his ex wife, and then realizing that he always calls with bad news decides instead to NOT tell her that he’s in prison, but instead apologizes for the argument he got in with her dad at some point in their relationship…wow. it breaks your heart all over again. richie is just such a broken, sad guy.

that carmy is waiting for richie, asleep in the foyer is just…precious. it’s family. that’s family. that carmy used the shop’s two week parachute money to bail richie out, meaning that financially the beef has gone right back to where it started in episode one is…well, again. it’s family. a shop, when doing it right, ACTUALLY cares about its employees. because carmy feels like the person who would have done that for anyone in the beef, not just richie. i know owners and managers saying “we’re family here” has turned into a red flag that is code for “we don’t pay you enough, we take advantage of you, and we emotionally manipulate you”. but what family ACTUALLY DOES is when battling the evils of capitalism, and struggling to get by, you use what little you had saved up to help those who make it possible to do what you do. i wish more places actually did things like this. paid for bail, or medical procedures. but the only businesses i’ve heard that have done this are small ma and pa, independently owned restaurants. and it’s probably because you work so close to these people all day every day that they really do become your family.

the fact that we then symbolically and visually go back to the beginning of the show: they’re getting ball breaker ready for a tournament, they have no money, carmy’s on the floor hand scrubbing stains again, lu fucks up their meat order. the same song from the first episode plays. we zoom in on the ever present and oppressive clock.

ok. so marcus returns, and carmy literally goes out of his way to say he’s so sorry and he’s glad he’s back. carmy proves that once again, he is trying to be better, he’s trying to rise above his family, above his old bosses and be the bigger and better person and apologize for his mistakes and show that he does care about marcus….but marcus doesn’t say anything back. AGAIN, i know that carmy’s blowup is visually, and thematically way bigger and more prominent. but marcus couldn’t have said like, “sorry that i took advantage of your trust and your belief in me. that while you were working 24/7 to try and make sure this place didn’t go under you still allowed me to purchase and explore and do whatever i wanted with my workday, and all i had to do in return was make the cakes that were my idea in the first places, which i then repeatedly didn’t do. i’m sorry about that.” like…it blows my mind that the writing team, director, producer, and everyone else didn’t have a moment where they were like “should marcus apologize for what he did at all? like, he hurt the store which was already hurting? he put the shop at more risk of closing because of his actions. should he apologize for that?”

the beautiful conclusion to the braised short rib dish. in an earlier post i talked about how there’s an ongoing subtle storyline with it that is deeper than carmy just being an asshole and saying it wasn’t ready without giving pointers to make it better. and we see as he covers sydney’s shift he finds her little black notebook with the recipe and that’s when he learns what’s wrong with the dish: that it needs acid. he didn’t know before. when sydney had him try it, he knew it was missing something but he wasn’t sure what. it might have been his own pride: he didn’t want to admit syd that he didn’t know what was missing. and he didn’t want to ask for her recipe to find out, because he’s supposed to be the best. he should know every ingredient that’s in the dish, and he should know what’s missing and what needs to be added. and he didn’t. so he couldn’t ask syd for her recipe, he couldn’t tell her he didn’t know what it needed. and maybe, there was a part of him that didn’t want her dish to succeed, because he saw her as the competition, like he admitted in his monologue earlier in this episode. but it comes from such a place of trauma, and pain, and self-hatred. it’s so well done and so sad.

what i think is truly fascinating is that we get this scene where we see the staff deep cleaning everything. soap and water. the whole kitchen looks amazing. we cut to the lowboys, we cut to the floor, we cut to the shelves with all the plates. spotless. and then in just a few scenes carmy is looking around and it’s wrecked. it’s filthy. and i wonder….is it actually wrecked, or is it in carmy’s own perception of the place. because one interpretation could be that; well, you’re a restaurant. you’re gonna clean, it’s gonna get dirty, you’re gonna clean, it’s gonna get dirty. and carmy is just sick of the repetition. that he’s getting worn out from it all. the other is that he’s in such a hole in his own head that he thinks the place looks like a wreck when in actuality it’s still cleaner and nicer than it was when he started working there.

i personally like the second option. for one, it mirrors the truth of the shop. we get a lot of repeated themes and moments from the first episode. carmy is probably feeling like he’s right back to where he started. he just spent 7 episodes “cleaning up the place”, and now it’s “dirty again”. but in actuality, he has a staff that has fully embraced his system over mikey’s, he has an updated menu that is making strides in the community. i mean, in seven episodes he was able to get ahead of the tidal wave of debt and bills to create a two week parachute while trying to fight for everyone’s respect and loyalty in the shop. now he has their respect, so he should make that parachute back up even faster. but he’s so emotionally and mentally drained and damaged that he can’t see that progress, he can’t see how much “cleaner” the shop is. he just sees the filth.

this is backed up, in my mind, that while carmy is having his anxiety and depressive episode, stuck in this cycle of dread, we get clips of everyone else crushing their jobs. they’re refilling condiment cups, they’re prepping eggs for cake, they’re dicing and cooking onions, chopping into a chicken. they look like a well-oiled machine. and then we cut to looking at carmy from the side, and the kitchen behind him looks clean. white. crisp. it makes me think that all the grime and disgusting stuff we saw was only in his head

HOWEVER; we also see an olive oil squeeze bottle on its side over the stove dripping into it, and then in the next scene when carmy turns the stove on it instantly bursts into flames. so. maybe it’s not fully in his head? idk, i go back and forth on this one.

i wish they could make a realistic cgi fire. i’m not sure if it’s because fire already kinda looks fake, so to then make fake fire becomes impossible to make look real? or if they simply didn’t have the budget to make it look real. but the two times there’s been fire in this show it has looked so fake.

i think the theme of fire that we see from carmy is interesting. carmy talked about how the day after he won a james beard award he started a fire and watched it burn for a moment. we get that quick snippet in the very beginning of this episode “shoulda let it fucking burn down” which i dont know if it was mikey or carmy saying that. carmy almost set his own apartment on fire while cooking. there’s a lot about fire in this season. (and a lot about trying to put the fire out next season…but more on that later…)

but i love that when everyone comes to put out the fire (which….thats symbolic, right? for community? carmy needed help, he started a fire, and they came around him and put his fire out), richie comes up to carmy and instead of being angry, or sarcastic, or mean, just wants to know if carmy is ok. because he understands now; richie has been going through a lot because of mikey, so obviously so is carmy. he’s thinking about others now for the first time.

and that’s when richie gives carmy the letter from mikey that he found in episode two. because richie finally realized that he’s not okay. and that because richie knows that he’s not okay, he realizes carmy is not okay. and that instead of the two of them not addressing why they’re not okay, it’s time to heal and move forward. so he gives carmy the letter. and i love that there’s a moment where carmy is a little mad; richie knew about a letter that mikey made out to carmy. but richie admits the truth: he didn’t want to give it to carmy because it meant that mikey was really gone. and carmy’s not mad anymore, because he understands. it’s a shared moment of intimacy that i just love how subtle and slow and quiet and understated it is. the care between carmy and richie in this moment, and sorta in the episode overall is just kinda beautiful. this episode does such a good job of not being in your face like the rest of the season is, even while arguably more intense stuff happens this episode than in any of the previous ones.

call it friendship, call it a budding romance, call it emotional dependency that is unhealthy (i’ve seen cases for all three), but i think it means something that carmy has this letter from mikey, and instead of reading it first he instead texts syd. this sort of thing will happen again in season two, and we’ll talk about it. but, i think it means something that before he can address and face mikey’s last words to him, he needs to make sure he doesn’t follow in mikey’s footsteps, he needs to make sure that he doesn’t leave anyone hanging with unneeded or unwanted anger without resolution. and top of his list is syd.

also, not important. but the outfit that syd is wearing this scene, while COOKING and making sauces that is splatterig, IS SO COOL. i don’t often notice outfits, unless there’s something deeper in the outfits that speaks to characters (carmy’s white shirt uniform, richie’s sweat pants and beef t-shirts), but syd’s shirt is fucking fire

“i love you dude. let it rip” is so….so. like it speaks volumes and it’s so mikey and its just a hit to the heart. but at the same time, that’s all he said. no long heartfelt goodbye. just i love you. let it rip. and family spaghetti recipe on the back. the same one carmy axed from the menu in episode one. it’s really nice touch that carmy decides to honor his brother, finally coming to terms with his death, by making the dish for family dinner. plus we learn why there’s so many smaller cans of tomato’s when bigger ones are cheaper per ounce! mikey thought they tasted better…

also. we get a quick cut of marcus making the cake again. and the first time we see him drizzle the chocolate on it looks SO DRY, but this time it actually looks moist and tasty!

i love that once again there’s like a…undercurrent of charge between fak and richie. fak is talking all low and quiet about how cool it was that richie got stabbed and walked it off, and i can’t help but think….do these two secretly love each other?! wouldn’t be surprised.

there’s $300,000 hidden in these cans of tomatoes! which, when i learned that, my very first thought was “didn’t carmy toss a can in episode one??? how much money was in that can! is there like 100 cans? that’s like $3,000! FUCK! even if there’s like 300 cans, that’s still $1,000? not great!

i think it’s pretty fair and fitting to say that in a capitalist society, all of the problems we just went through over the course of 8 episodes magically disappears because of money. like, these working class people are suddenly without a problem because $300,000 fell into their lap.

but that also brings me to one of my only guilts for this season. the deus ex machina of: we go through 8 episodes of problems and trying to climb out of this hole by the skin of our teeth, and ope! instead of accomplishing it ourselves we just found $300k. and everything is (sorta) wrapped up nicely. and yes, the way it all sorta gets revealed is done about as well as could be. the threat of making the spaghetti, carmy wondering about why they get the smaller cans, going over the books and seeing this weird amount of payments to KBL electric for the amount cicero gave to mikey. it all was leading here: finding the money. and it’s not superb genius twist, i assumed something was up and then was like “oh! the money!” before the money was revealed. but it also doesn’t need to be a super plot twisty thing. the bear isn’t going for that. so they do a great job with the plot point, it’s just not my favorite plot point.

but i do love that sydney comes back; for what, we’re not fully sure. to ask for her old job back? maybe. to pick up her last check and be done? possibly. but she stumbles upon this group of rough around the edges lovable dirtbags surrounded by tomato sauce and money and richie (and it’s perfect that it’s richie) is like, “hey! you’re part of this family! get a can opener and let’s boogie!”

i also loved that carmy and syd just look at each other and they without even questioning it start designing the new restaurant. but i have to believe that i wasn’t the only one that when syd asks, “okay, what do we call it?” and the camera holds for just a second too long on carmy’s face, i immediately yelled “OH SHIT! THE BEAR!”

and then it ends perfectly. the whole family eating pasta and laughing because they’re finally gonna be ok. the beef is gonna close, the bear is gonna open, and it’s gonna be amazing.

i also love the meaningful shot of carmy walking out of the kitchen and for the first time we see him pull the towels off his apron, and take his apron off. he’s not cooking. and everyone is smiling, and everyone is happy.

and then we get this shot, and it means something. because carmy is wearing a black shirt again, and he looks up just past the camera and smiles. and then we cut to mikey, who turns to look just past the camera and we realize that mikey and carmy are looking at each other smiling.

and then it ends. *chefs kiss*

i do……..think it’s a little glossed over that mikey knew about carmy’s dream of opening a shop together, loved that idea and would talk to him about it. and then realized that the beef was poison, so he hurt his relationship with carmy to keep carmy away, which sent carmy onto a path of fine dining. mikey saw that, knew that carmy could fix things, so he borrowed $300k from cicero, then took his own life and gave carmy the restaurant so that carmy would then uncover his plot and be able to start the restaurant of his dreams. i understand mental health plays a lot into this, but uffda. mikey. there are other ways to do this…other ways that are also just a smidge less convoluted.

but that’s the episode! and not just the episode, but the season! uffda. i honestly think it’s just about as perfect as perfect could be! yes, there are a few gripes, but man those gripes aren’t enough to even come close to stopping this from being my favorite show ever and one of the best shows ever made. i love it. i love it so much.

season two awaits! someday…

SEASON ONE: one | two | three | four | five | six | seven

SEASON TWO: one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten

[the-scarlet-witch-22]

Hiiiiii me again so prepare for a novel length ask 😵‍💫 sometimes I just can’t shush.

I agree with you soooooo much about the finale and Agatha/Rio. It was so interesting to watch it unfold - like the almost kiss in the forest? My impression of that was Agatha had received special treatment from Rio because of their relationship (which we got confirmation of this) and that she had a moment she thought that happened again - that somehow Rio had given Nicholas back as Billy. And Rio knew that, too, which is why she stopped Agatha from kissing her - Agatha was having soft, grateful feelings to Rio, thinking she had her son back - and Rio couldn’t let her believe that. Or didn’t want her to.

But I agree, they aren’t getting back together - Agatha made that hella clear. Even if she still has feelings for Rio, she can’t get past the loss of her son. Rio took Nicholas, and while it was her job to, there are some things that just can’t be repaired.

I also admittedly laughed really hard when Agatha came back as a ghost. Not only did she keep Rio from getting Billy, she siphoned Death’s power in a farewell kiss, and did…whatever she did, to become a ghost and keep Rio from taking her spirit. Total power move.

Plus..Rio does not like ghosts at all. I wish I could stick it to my ex in that next level petty of a fashion.

Ghost!Agatha x Reader has wriggled its way into my subconscious, so there’s that, too. Ahem.

Was Eras completely magical? Did you go with your wonderful girlfriend? Details on your outfit, please? 💜

Also also, sending you a huge hug on the post about your mother. I am so sorry you have to live that way. I live in a red state and while my family is VERY BLUE, my heart breaks for anyone who doesn’t feel they can be safe and supported with their family.

I hope you’re having a lovely night. 💜

- 🌸

Hi my friend <3 (my response is sooo long so I’m gonna cut it hahaha)

Oh wow I really like your interpretation on that moment between Agatha and Rio in episode 4. I almost took it as a warning, I guess, or to maybe set Agatha's expectations. Because yes absolutely Agatha has received special treatment, like Rio said more than any mortal before her ever did, and I think she's aware to some extent the power she holds over Rio. What's interesting to me when looking at their relationship, is the majority of the manipulation comes from Agatha. It's funny that the personification of Death doesn't hold the upper hand, but I do think it's very fitting with Agatha's character. Anyways, I kind of saw it as Rio warning Agatha, 'that boy is not yours and he shouldn't be here'. And I think her reasoning on that definitely was because she still had feelings for Agatha, ya know? Taking Nick destroyed them, and maybe in her mind she thought 'well I'm warning Agatha, so it won't be an issue. He's another woman's son anyways'.

Gosh that was way too long, hahaha. But yes I completely agree! I am super intrigued to watch them interact in the future...especially with Tommy now being back. I fear Rio is not gonna be too thrilled with Agatha doing all of this for another woman's kids LOLL can't say I blame her. And the Agatha ghost bit SENT ME. Taking ghosting to a new level of petty, in true Agatha Harkness fashion <3

I'm really playing around with a ghost!Agatha fic!! I'm sooo behind on writing but the idea I have is kind of depressing, lol but I'm gonna try and think of a more upbeat version.

Oh my gosh the Eras Tour was actually one of the best nights of my entire life, no exaggeration. I love Taylor Swift, she's on a good portion of my writing playlists. I actually started crying when it started, which is embarrassing af but I don't care!! And yes! I went with my girlfriend (who acquired the tickets, she's a rockstar and we love her), and one of my friends & her girlfriend! I love the song Maroon (which she played a night later rip haha), so I found these sparkly burgundy pants and a maroon themed shirt and paired with Nikes that had a burgundy swish on them.

Also thank you for saying that <3 It's really hard being in a mainly conservative family. I'm genuinely so happy that your family is voting Blue, at this point it just feels like a difference between having morals and not. I'm also tired of these past few elections feeling so stressed, idk, things have just taken such a drastically dark turn and I hate that we ended up here. My response is SOOO long and I apologize but I hope you're well, thank you so much for the ask <3 (I'll post a pic of the concert separately because this is already so long asdhasfhjas)

[extremely-burnt-sugar]

Hi if it's okay can I please ask for a yandere Astolfo or vanitas

With a Yuutsu darling where he grows very attached to her

She is an OC of mine you can find more information about her on my page here on Tumblr you don't have to take this request if you don't want to

AHHHHH! I'm so excited this is the first request ive received on tumblr! Plus the first request I have received for VNC in general!

I love the art for your oc! she's adorable!

I had to look up what yuutsu was, and it said dark, gloomy and depressed. so I am very excited to write about this, I am an ameture author so please give me constructive criticism! :DD

I was also unsure if this was an x oc request or just an x Reader so I went for the safe side and did an x reader.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YANDERE! VANITAS X YUUTSU! READER

Vanitas:

At first he found you slightly annoying, you were always so sad, it was just plain boring! But after spending a bit of time with you he grew to like you. Everything about you even the bad.

Soon he became un-reasonably jealous, over the smallest things too! He once got jealous when you had a conversation with Noe!

That was the point when he realized he had developed feelings, and not even just like a small crush, he realized he had become completely infatuated with everything you did!

After a short period of time you had started to notice small things would be going missing randomly, and it wasn't like any of them had any coordination other than you owned them.

small things, like your toothbrush, a pair of underwear or two, the pillow case you had gone to wash, your favorite perfume.

He didn't know it was unhealthy, We all know how he was raised he didn't have the best role models for what love should look like.

It's not like he can help it anyway, Vanitas just finds you so endearing! even when you're being all sad and negative, he just loves you so much he cant not like everything!

However he doesn't like anything having to do with any self destructive habits or tendencies, he cant have you getting hurt now can he.

Whenever you start to talk about ho much you hate yourself his heart breaks, He just can't understand why you don't like yourself!

He's so loving and sweet whenever you hit an especially bad depressive episode he'll help you take care of yourself, bringing you food and water, getting you out of bed to take warm showers with him, keeping your room just a little cleaner. It may be small but it does help

He also finds a strange amount of comfort in things typically deemed "gloomy" by society, it just reminds him of his darling so much!

If your spirits are especially low he will just hug you, he may be a major tease but even he can tell when to stop.

[psychoticallytrans]

This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

[athetos]

I honestly have no fucking idea how I went to college for 4 straight years full time without dropping out. Undiagnosed narcolepsy and adhd, unmedicated, I spent multiple semesters not even on antidepressants, or worse, on ones that made me violently ill, had a month-long bout of a stomach disorder I didn’t even know I inherited from my dad, spent half that amount of time in an abusive relationship, plus a ton more of vastly complex and out of control interpersonal drama, like I barely survived at all tbh but I somehow managed to get a degree? And 3 fucking minors? By the time I was 22? I barely attended some of my classes, people were so used to me falling asleep in the hallways that they’d just step over me and put my coat on me like a blanket, I only passed a couple of classes because I cheated on exams and broke down in the professor’s office and they pitied me, but I fucking did it?

Like, if I went back and time and did it all over again, only this time properly medicated and with a real support group, I would probably have a fucking 4.0, be in 5 clubs, did that crazy double major I joked about, and my life would be so unrecognizable. I’d be in a PhD program right now at some prestigious university and… okay, let’s be real, I probably wouldn’t be making more money than I am right now because I’ve seen what they fucking pay grad students, but that’s just insane to me, how differently my life could have turned out. Or maybe it wouldn’t be different. Maybe it would be the same, or maybe it would even be worse. Like, I’m dating a milf who’s 9 inches taller than me, so maybe this is the best timeline.

Yet, it’s kind of… both funny and depressing to know how fucked I get right now if I don’t have my meds, even if I’m not in a depressive episode. I can barely function without them. I’m asleep more than I am awake, I can’t focus, I have no energy, and if I go more than just a few days without my antidepressants I have full-on mental breakdowns and am borderline-suicidal. So, this of course means 1 of 2 things must be true. Either I wasn’t this fucked up in college, and my disorders must have worsened over time, or I was this fucked up and still forced myself through a degree. The second is probably the most likely, to be honest. And you might be thinking, “Ash, can’t you just remember and compare your symptoms?” You have to understand that I was so unbelievably stressed at some points that huge chunks of time spanning weeks is permanently locked away in my Repressed Memory Vault, and I was also a victim of gaslighting from someone who very much wanted me to believe I was crazy, but also was incredibly adamant I did not receive help (hence partially why I was undiagnosed and unmedicated). My memories aren’t really all that reliable, and the other thing is, I thought the narcolepsy part of it was normal. Or, well, that I was just lazy. I didn’t know what narcolepsy was beyond dramatizations in tv shows. I didn’t see my symptoms as symptoms, and therefore, I didn’t really keep track of them, if that makes sense.

All this to say, I think wishing my life turned out differently isn’t healthy and leads nowhere. I still ruminate on it from time to time, but it’s less from a depressive angle and more because I’m angry as hell that a lot of people failed me in my life during that time period. I should have been diagnosed and medicated, god knows I’ve seen enough therapists and doctors. I should have had a friend that would have helped me get the fuck out of that relationship sooner. I should have had more people supporting me and taking me seriously. But things turned out this way, and I gotta make my peace with that. I might be in a “better” place if things went differently from a certain viewpoint, at least career-wise, but it could be worse in other ways I’d never know. I need to put my energy into making sure the life I’m actually living is the best possible one for me. That’s all that matters.

[merkerlerspeaks]

I just watched the most recent fionna and cake episodes and it got me thinking for....a while. It is VERY similar to how I would write an adult show (plus and minus a few select things) and it got me thinking about how deeply and how badly I want a show to depict overcoming addiction. For that to be a big centerpoint about it. But I want it to be written a certain way. It would deal with dark themes, possibly gore, mental illness, depression, there would be substance abuse- my big line is avoiding dirty humour/unnecessary sexual content and foul language.

I have a story I have been sitting on for a while. Im not going to elaborate very much because I don't know if it is one I want to share on here yet (I'll think about it) but it is with this main character who, out of circumstances far beyond her control, has an unrelenting drug addiction and the majority of her story about be about overcoming it. Something about that idea just.....resonates with me I guess? I've never had a drug addiction but I am thinking about ways I could pull stuff from real life, my life, my experiences, the people around me, stories I've heard (similar to what I've done with The Children of Earth & Time) and it just feels....right. Like this is a story I need to make happen.

A christian-themed adult TV show about the struggles of overcoming addiction and grief, deals with dark themes but isn't raunchy and foul. Something that isn't afraid to lean into exploring those dark areas, and allow for flawed human beings, but still be something I wouldn't be hesitant to admit to watching. If that makes sense. It just feels really important to me with the realization I just came too. Im not elaborating on that though.

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

fucked up jensen ask: what was jensens ultimate rock bottom?

WOO ANOTHER BANGER OF A QUESTION TYYYYY

okay so (while ive been adding a potential runner up to my hc) the biggest/most notable/canonical one is his cute little college mental breakdown <3 (putting it under the cut bc theres some sensitive content)

ive never even fully got into the details of this, but it was really bad for him. it was right after he left the band and lost his long term gf in a,, not so fun way. this was one of the more recent chapters of halloween, but he had to quit the band bc he was getting severe panic attacks and general stress over them signing a deal. he was okay with the band when it was just for fun, but when it had the potential to be serious, he had to leave. it wouldnt have been good for him mentally or physically. even though he was working towards a different major that wasnt in music, he still couldnt really imagine his life without it.

then when his gf broke up w him (in the same week) it was just a punch to the gut. she never envisioned them as end game and he did, so it was just messy as hell. she thought they were in more of an open/casual relationship, and he thought they were totally committed. when he started to go through it after leaving the band she wasnt really ready to handle that bc it wasnt "her" responsibility (since jensen was so dependent on her for that short time), so she ended things and it just crushed jensen

he hit a rough depressive episode really quickly afterward (plus his ocd), like hit a brick wall head on, and totally shut himself down. he stopped going to classes, stopped doing any of his work, just holed up in his room for weeks on end. he was really struggling w suicidal thoughts/ideation, barely eating, barely sleeping, just absolutely losing it. eventually he ended up contacting one of his professors (he was studying psychology at the time, so many of his profs were therapists at one point or another) and she got him an emergency appointment with a therapist. after a very long session (and possible stay at a hospital? ik legally he would have to but also he may have been able to talk his way out of it) plus a few more he got on his medication and started regularly going to therapy to work on himself, which is when he started to get out of it