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glowinghae · 2 years ago

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meet me at midnight || c.four

[Chapter Four- Waves]

𝐉𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐎𝐃𝐃 + OC

meet me at midnight masterlist 𝟏𝟖+, lots of various torture, trauma, angst, suffering, cheating, violent death, women not supporting women, arguments, fluff but really a lot of angst. smut of all kinds. all characters are over 18,

to be a vigilante requires only three things: a broken heart, the resources, and the will.

𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐃𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝟏𝟖+ 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘! as always a gargantuan thank you to @hllokttyairhead for being an amazing support, editer and friend. truly you are my muse. pls pls pls go and follow her because that is one QUALITY blog.

A path was forming on the floor where Esther paced back and forth, staring at the screen of her phone as she chewed on her fingernails.

“He could be fine.” Esther muttered to herself repeatedly, the red flashing vitals saying otherwise. “Fuck.”

Essie stormed across the room and snatched her suit from where she’d laid it out on her bed. It took her a minute to get it on, but it felt weird to wear it in the light of day; this couldn’t wait for nightfall, though.

Tightening her weapon’s harnesses, Esther swore under her breath. She had her blades, but her gun was missing. Dick must have taken it. This made things ten times harder.

The computer here wasn’t strong enough to make a tracker from the chip that Jason had left her, but Esther knew of one that was. As she slipped her mask over her face, Esther slid her Khopesh into its leather sheath.

Getting to the computer system she needed wouldn’t be a problem, but getting around its guard dog might be.

…

No sound was made as She-Wolf’s feet landed on the balcony outside the expensive loft in East Gotham. The sliding door was unlocked, as Esther knew it would be.

Barbara Gordon was used to masked vigilantes using her balcony as an entrance.

Luckily it seemed that no one was home as Essie silently closed the door behind her. That was good; the last thing she needed was Babs asking a million questions. The living area looked normal, but Esther knew better. Stepping over to the vintage telephone on the bookshelf, Esther lifted the receiver off its stand and rang in the numbers 5-7-4-5-6. The moment she placed the receiver back down, the room began transforming.

The bookshelf split open, and a massive computer screen console emerged. The window curtains drew themselves shut, and the tv disappeared into the floor, replaced by an enormous display case that came from inside the wall.

The case gave Esther pause. Inside was Barbara’s old Batgirl suit. The purple and gold detailing made her smile, and she placed her hand over the glass.

“Teach me that move!” A ten-year-old Esther screeched after getting landed on her ass by Babs. Barbara moved her cape out of the way and reached out to give the girl a hand standing up.

“I’ll teach you that move after you’ve learned to block it.” Batgirl laughed, “If you’re gonna be Bat-Girl-”

“With a hyphen!” Esther clarified, eliciting an eye roll from Babs.

“With a hyphen,” She conceded, “It’s more important you learn how to stop an attack before knowing how to start one. I will say, though, you seem to be picking this up rather quickly.”

A sad expression settled on Esther’s tired face. This had all been so easy and fun when they were kids. She could still remember the first time she donned the mask; Barbara had snapped a million pictures, squealing something about her ‘mini-me.’

So much had changed.

Esther refocused herself, rushing over to the Watchtower systems and entering Barbara’s password, ‘justinbeiber4eva!’ only to curse as she was greeted by an ‘incorrect password’ screen.

Dammit, that had been Babs password for years. There were only two attempts remaining. Esther looked down, noticing a picture framed on Barbara’s desk.

It was of Dick, Jason, and Esther.

It was from middle school. They were all in uniforms, lined up outside the principal's office. Barbara had snapped the picture of them after Esther had thrown a glitter bomb inside the boys' bathroom with Dick and Jason inside. Essie had been mad because they had eaten the last of her cereal that morning.

Esther smirked at the picture frame, the two boys covered head to toe in glitter, angry expressions on their faces, with little Esther cackling between them. No wonder Jason switched to public school the following year. He was probably so sick of her shit.

“I changed the password.” Esther hung her head as Barbara’s voice came from behind her. When Essie turned, Babs was seated in her wheelchair, the door to her bedroom open behind her. Damn, even in a wheelchair, Babs was quiet. “It’s ‘Timstaythehelloutofmystuff12’. Damn, kids broke into it about six times in the past month.”

“Barb, I-”

“You’re not usually the one breaking in here to use my stuff; it’s still annoying, though.” Babs came to the desk and typed in her password, pushing Essie out of the way, “But I’ll admit it’s nice seeing you when you’re not absolutely wasted.”

Esther grimaced at the foggy memory of her stumbling into this very apartment a few months back. Humiliating, honestly. No wonder she hated to drink.

“Let’s just… forget about that.” She blushed. “I don’t mean to be rude, Barbara, but I’m in a bit of a crisis here-”

“I told you not to do it.” Barbara crossed her arms and stared up at her friend, “I know you were angry about Jason, and I know that my incident pushed you over the edge, but I told you not to go after Joker for me.”

“I don’t know how many times I need to say this: it wasn’t me.” The She-Wolf’s tone was impatient. “You know me, Babs, stringing people up for the world to see isn’t my M.O.”

That was true, but Barbara frowned anyway, “Once upon a time, I knew you, Essie.” Barbara said, “Before you started with this She-Wolf persona. Before you started killing people. Before you abandoned all of us.” Esther wished Barbara didn’t say all this with that heartbroken tone. Essie had never meant to cause all this suffering to Barbara and Dick. She knew it was as if they had lost two of their family members that day. “So if you’re here to get help to continue this murder crusade, you can just go.”

Pulling the chip out of her phone silently, Essie handed it to Barbara, who studied it closely before clicking into her computer. Her screens lit up with Jason’s vitals, which looked even worse than the last time Esther had checked. “No killing today. Trying to save someone. This person is important, and I don’t know where they are.”

Barbara searched Essie’s face. She did look concerned, which was weird. Babs turned her attention back to the screen, “Well, they don’t have much time by the looks of it.” She brought up some new screens, “I’m assuming you wanted to make a tracker piggybacking off the signal of the life support system? Hmm, it’s pretty weak. You probably wouldn’t have been able to do this on your own.” Her fingers raced against the keyboard, “But luckily, you’re not on your own.”

Her words hit Esther like a bag of bricks. Esther hadn’t realized how much leaving had hurt Barbara. But she was still so ready to help? “Thanks.” She said awkwardly.

“So, who is it?” Babs didn’t look away from the screen as she asked, “Must be someone you care about, but we share all the same friends. As far as I know, Dick finished up patrol and is over at the manor. Roy and Wally are in their respective cities. So who?”

“Someone…” Esther’s face lit up red, “Important.” She repeated, and Barbara flashed her a smile.

“Someone important to you?” Babs couldn’t believe this. It had been ages since Esther had even shown a little emotion over someone; other than Jason. If only she knew.

“Babs, please. They’re in bad shape.” Esther couldn’t look away from the vitals on the screen.

Barbara glanced at them, too, “Oxygen levels are dropping. Wherever they are, the air is getting thin-”

A loud thumping and crashing sound interrupted her words, and Esther was lightning fast, drawing her blade and getting defensive, “Stay behind me.” Essie moved to protect Barbara, taking slow steps to the glass door where the sound had come from.

Watching her move, Barbara studied Esther Wayne. She was the closest thing Babs had to a little sister, and there had been a time when they were thick as thieves. Even when they both had feelings for Dick, they’d never let it come between them.

But when Jason died, everything changed. Barbara knew it wasn’t just that, though. For seventy-two days, Esther sat beside Jason and experienced unknown hells. All while never knowing that there wasn’t a single night her ‘big sister’ wasn’t out there looking for them. And then to watch Jason die the way that he did. To have Bruce show up only moments too late.

She disagreed with Esther going out and killing criminals, but she’d be lying if she didn’t understand why Essie did it.

Today, however, there was something different in Esther Wayne. That anger that had ruled her for the past year seemed… less hot to the touch. And there was a new confidence in her when she wore this suit. Barbara hated admitting it, but maybe Esther was never meant to be her replacement. Or at least, perhaps the Joker truly had killed the Bat-Girl; it’s just that something else had survived.

She-Wolf stood with a strength that Barbara knew all too well. It was how she’d felt being Batgirl. How she felt now being Oracle. It seemed less like a mask and more like an extension of Esther. Esther was now moving the curtain out of the way of the glass door, only to freeze. Oh shit, it must be something startling to make Esther freeze up like that.

Barbara wheeled herself over to be by Esther’s side and gasped as she saw what Esther was staring at outside the window.

The bodies Esther had left behind the dumpster a few nights earlier had been dropped from the roof of Bab’s apartment onto her balcony. The bodies were in bad shape, and half froze, but that wasn’t what concerned Esther.

It was the katanas that were impaling the bodies through their chests. Not just any katanas, either…

“Care to explain why the League of Shadows is sending you an invitation? Using my terrace?” Babs was right; this was the League’s way of leaving Esther a message. They’d been watching her, and now they wanted to talk.

Esther didn’t have fucking time for this. She needed to find Jason before it was too late. “How long before the tracker is up and running?” Esther asked.

Babs narrowed her eyes, “You know, you and your brother are more similar than you’d like to think.” She referred to Esther ignoring her questions. Bab’s wheeled herself back to her computer, “It’ll be about an hour before the program is ready. This signal is weak.”

An hour?! Sure, it gave her time to find out what the League wanted, but Jason was running out of time. “Do whatever you can to get that time down.” Esther sighed, tinkering with the control panel on her hip that operated her suit's systems.“I’m sending you my suits comm channel; tell me when you’ve got the location.”

“Exactly like your brother.” Barbara huffed. “You better be back later to get those dead guys off my porch.”

…

There had been no note on the bodies to hint at where Esther was meant to meet the League, but that only left her assuming that the bodies themselves were the hint. She’d left them on Ninth, so that’s where she stood now.

The alleyway looked much the same, still dirty, still… alley-like. It was empty, but then again, the League would never be caught dead somewhere as nasty as this. It took Essie only a moment before she looked up and saw the swish of a cloak disappearing over the edge of the rooftop.

Using her grapple hook, Esther followed suit, and a moment later, she was standing face-to-face with Ra’s al Ghul himself.

She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but the Demon was not it. As if her body moved without permission, Esther lowered her head to avoid looking him in the eye. What the hell? Seriously, she hadn’t planned on doing that.

“Ra’s.” Essie acknowledged him, lifting her chin up to stare him down. He looked a little older than what Bruce typically described; it seemed he needed to take another dip into the Lazarus pit. But other than that, the dark features, the pointy cape… It all checked out.

“You’ve grown tall and beautiful, Sadiyah; you’ve become a fine warrior.” His words had a smooth, silky accent to them.

“I got your ‘message’ where’s Jason?” Esther snarled, unsure why he’d called her that name, but it sounded weird… familiar even.

“I was hoping you could tell me.” Ra’s took long, slow strides, circling around where Esther stood.

Her shoulders deflated, “You don’t know?” But the look in his eyes didn’t quite add up. It took Esther a second, but after a moment, she sighed heavily, “But that’s not what you said, is it?” Ra’s knew exactly where Jason was; he just wanted Essie to figure it out on her own. “This is a test.”

Ra’s gave her a charming smile, “Think of it as more of an opportunity. A challenge. I want to see what you’re made of. The time is fast approaching when you will need to be prepared.”

This was the same weird bullshit that Ra’s spewed every time he saw Esther. Wait, no. That wasn’t right. Esther had only ever seen him in pictures. Her brain felt foggy, but she shook her head to clear it and snarled, “Listen, old man, I have no interest in the stupid games you like to play with Bruce; You already cost me Jason once. I won’t let you do it again.” She drew her khopesh from its sheath and lowered her center of gravity.

Ra’s stopped in front of her and placed his hand on the hilt of his sword, “You would do well to remember some respect, child.” His facial expression darkened, “Too often, you seem to forget that you only exist because of me.”

Too often? What was he talking about? Esther wasn’t sure, but her head felt like it was going to split open, “Big deal,” She squeezed her eyes open and shut, trying to see through the headache, “You defrosted me in a microwave and then left me to be poked at by doctors for the better part of a decade. It doesn’t mean I owe you anything.” Essie grunted, lifting her blade a bit higher.

“Is that how you remember it? Pity.” Ra’s had a smug smile on his face, but his expression faltered as he got a better look at her sword. “Shifrat Mumazaqa.” The Shattered Blade. “Where did you find such a weapon?”

Esther squinted in confusion, pausing to inspect her khopesh. Its blade was an onyx black, some kind of old writing etched into it. “I paid a visit to my family’s exhibit at the museum. Found this on the way out, figured it was a shame to leave a beautiful weapon to rot while ten-year-olds gawked at it.” Sometimes, late at night, Esther would notice scratches in the blade with an almost violet hue.

Ra’s studied her blade, moving in closer for a better look. “How interesting that this weapon should call to you. It’s quite ancient. I have not seen it with my own eyes in many centuries.” He reached out a hand to examine it, only for Esther to lightly smack it with the blade. A warning. “You’re not foolish enough to fight me, girl. We both know you’re not quite there yet. Perhaps soon, but not on this day.”

He was absolutely right. And she knew it. To fight Ra’s al Ghul was a death wish, but Esther felt desperate. “Just tell me where Jason is.”

“I look forward to your success.” Ra’s smirked and dropped a smoke pellet onto the ground.

Esther reached up to turn on her mask, but he was gone by the time its lenses powered on. She switched it off as the smoke cleared, angrily sheathing her weapon and kicking at a loose shingle.

So Ra’s was testing her, and he wanted to be sure that she knew it. Why? Not to mention, Jason was working for him, shouldn’t Ra’s care a little bit whether or not he lives? He couldn’t be that confident in her abilities, could he? Ra’s hadn’t even seen Esther fight before.

Ra’s al Ghul had never bothered with Esther Wayne since placing her parents' samples into a surrogate, not since Bruce had taken her away from the clinic where she’d spent her life as nothing but a lab rat. So why was he here now?

She didn’t really have time to think about it, though. There was too much to do. Esther flicked on the mic in her mask.

“Babs, please tell me you have good news for me.” Esther sighed into the comm link, staring at the place Ra’s had been standing a moment before.

“I got good news, bad news, and news you just won’t like.” Bab’s voice rang from inside her mask.

“Go.” Esther huffed.

“Good news is that I got the tracker working.” Esther let out a breath of relief, thank God. “Bad news is I no longer have access to your suit's systems, so you need the physical chip.”

No. Esther didn’t have the kind of time to go back to Barbara’s apartment; Jason’s vitals looked bad the last time she’d seen them. Who knew how bad they were now.

“Babs, is there any way you could just tell me the coordinates?” But Esther knew what her answer would be.

“I could, but that’s too broad an area. It would take you too long to narrow down the exact spot. Now,” Essie could hear Oracle’s finger clicking on her keyboard, “The last bit of news is good, but don’t get mad at me.”

An eyebrow raised from underneath Essie’s mask, “Okay.” She drew out the ‘y’ in suspicion.

“The chip is on its way to you right now. It should be arriving any minute-“

“Looking for us?” The smooth voice was all too familiar to Essie, and her shoulders slumped. A silent groan went off in her head as she turned to see Nightwing in all his glory standing behind her.

“Who’s us?” Esther growled, knowing the answer even before Robin flipped from the building above them onto the rooftop they were all now standing on. “Okay, Babs, I understand sending Dick, but why the fuck is the kid here?”

“Training.” Nightwing looked her up and down; damn, she looked hot in her She-Wolf suit.

“Train somewhere else.” Esther spat and held her hand out, “The chip now, please.”

Tim Drake pulled the chip from his pocket and held it out to her, “Come take it from me.” He grinned. It was a challenge and not one that Esther was in the mood for right now. She had enough challenges on her plate at the moment.

Looking between the two of them, Esther’s eye twitched. Does this kid think this is a fucking joke?

“Tim,” Nightwing warned, “This might not be the time for” Too late. She-Wolf had already flipped Robin over her back and had her foot on his neck, pinning him to the ground. “You’ve got to stop letting her get in close. That’s where she does her best work.” Dick sighed. Esther kept the pressure on Tim’s neck as she snatched the chip from his fingers, adding a light smack to his face for good measure, “Okay, I think that’s enough, Essie.”

She released him and clipped the chip into the side of her mask, her visuals lighting up with a map and Jason’s vitals, all bordering her sight range. Jason’s heart rate was slowing down rapidly. When Essie saw his location, she groaned. Please, not the old Gotham South Elementary...

“Fuck.”

“I’m assuming that means you’ve seen our other problem?” Oracle said, and Esther palmed at her forehead. “Whoever your friend is, they need to pick better friends. Black Mask has been using that abandoned school as one of his safe houses for a while now. It’s his best guarded one.”

“And it’s far away.” Esther chewed on her cheek. “They’ll be dead by the time I get there.” Tears welled up in her eyes behind her mask, but she choked them back. This wasn’t the time to get emotional; it only clouded her judgment. “And I don’t have my guns.” She glared at Dick.

Tim sat up from the ground, grunting in pain, “I can take you on Bat-Wing.”

“No.” Esther shot back, not knowing what the fuck ‘Bat-Wing’ was.

Nightwing shifted on his feet, “Essie, Babs has two dead guys at her apartment courtesy of Ra’s al Ghul, if you need help-”

“I can’t.” She was pacing again, trying to come up with some way to get to the school in time. Dick got ready to argue, and Essie relented to telling him a little bit of truth just to save some time, “He’s issued me a challenge.”

The blood rushed from Dick’s masked face. “Shit.” He muttered, running his hand through his hair.

“That is… not good.” Barbara’s voice chimed in, and Tim got to his feet, his expression somewhat confused.

“Uhh, I’m lost.” The young Robin stared between the two older vigilantes.

Nightwing clenched his jaw, “When Ra’s wants to test the measure of a man, he’ll often set up impossible situations and set them loose to see if they can find a solution. He calls them ‘challenges.’ Bruce has done more than I can count, but Essie..?” He glanced at her, “Ra’s has never extended one to Esther before. And she’s right; we can’t help her. Much.”

“Uh, why?” Tim asked, and this time Esther answered.

“He’ll kill you.” Her words sent a shiver down his spine, “The challenge has been extended to me. If I receive too much help, I fail, and we all get picked off one by one by the League of Shadows as punishment for disrespecting their traditions. ‘Tuqus Alshaytan.’ The Rite of the Demon.”

Tim’s eyebrow raised, “You seem to know a lot about that.” Esther paused. He was right. She knew little from what Bruce had told her in the past, but… She didn’t remember him telling her the challenge's name, let alone its name in Arabic. Of the languages that Esther knew, Arabic wasn’t even one. “But there’s literally no other way to get across the city in time, not in broad daylight at least.”

“He’s right.” Babs said, “Ra’s has always allotted Bruce a little help. A good assassin uses his resources. Let us help as much as we can. As long as it’s just you that goes into that school, I don’t think Ra’s will punish you. It is convenient, though, that Bruce is busy working on a missing person case. I wonder if Ra’s didn’t want him helping you.”

Dick put his hand on Esther’s arm, and for once, she didn’t flinch away, “We’re right here, Essie. Let us help.”

Esther bit her lip and then huffed, “Okay. What the fuck is this ‘Bat-Wing’ thing?”

Nightwing did a double-take, “I’m sorry what?” Was she actually agreeing to their help? They hadn’t worked together in so long. “Wow, whoever’s in that school must be important.” He said under his breath.

Tim looked shocked as well, “Uh, right, then… It’s probably better if you just… see for yourself.”

…

“Don’t you ever, ever mention this again.” Esther hissed but could barely be heard over the wind roaring past them.

Turns out the ‘Bat-Wing’ was a new toy that Bruce made. Basically, a glorified hang-glider that went very fast. Unfortunately, it was only built for one rider, so Esther was holstered like a baby against Tim’s chest.

She looked like a fucking idiot.

“Dick got enough pictures to last us a lifetime.” Tim laughed, “And you get no pity from me. Because of you, I had to take my school pictures with a broken nose.”

“Uhh, right. How’s that coming?” Esther yelled over the wind.

“Still broken, thanks.” Tim griped, making a sharp turn to the right. Esther felt her stomach in her throat, “You okay? Lookin’ a little green there. Dick gets sick on this thing too.” He was enjoying this.

“I’m fine! I’ve been flying since before you knew the quadratic formula.” Granted, that was using her old Bat-Girl cape, but it was pretty much the same. It had… just been a while.

“Oh, I know!” Tim sighed, “Dick never shuts up about it. Apparently, you and Todd ditched out on a lot of responsibilities to take midnight flights around Gotham. He’s still salty that you guys left him to deal with the Christmas Charity alone.” It disturbed Esther to hear Tim talk about Jason, the Robin he’d replaced. But she tried to remember that she was mad at Bruce about that, not Tim. “Truthfully, I’m jealous of you guys. You all have so much history… You’re a family. I know you’re mad at them, but they still miss you so much. I’ve… never really had that.”

Esther’s heart melted. Maybe this kid wasn’t as bad as she thought. “Listen, kid,” She sighed, “I’m sorry about your nose. It’s hard for me to go easy on you. I- I don’t do it to be mean... Most of the time at least. Losing the last Robin… Truthfully I don’t think anyone should be Robin anymore. But since you are… I don’t pull my punches because I know someone else won’t either.”

“I know!” Tim’s voice hinted at the possibility that he was smiling, “That’s what Barbara said. She told me not to hold it against you. They talk about you and Jason all the time. And Alfred… Well, you need to come see him. No one talks higher of you than him.”

Alfred. Esther missed him so much. What she wouldn’t give for one of his famous cookies right now. “And… Bruce?”

“Oh.” Tim took another hard right. They were getting close now. “Well, you know Bruce. Always hard to read. If anyone brings you up, he gets really quiet. I think he feels like he failed you. You and Jason. Sometimes I see him sitting at the piano, but he never plays it. But you did, didn’t you? So… I guess he thinks about you a lot.”

The piano was one of the few things that Esther had brought from the clinic with her. To this day, she never felt as peaceful as she did while playing the piano. After everything with Joker, it was the only thing that relaxed her.

But the fact that Bruce would sit there to think about her..? It was hard because Essie was so mad at Bruce. So angry at him for so much. For being too late to save Jason, leaving the Joker breathing and replacing Jason. It hurt so much. But he was her brother.

Jason wanted him dead. Esther could tell from how he’d talked about him the night before. Sometimes… Sometimes so did she. On the bad nights. The nights when she’d wake up and swear that Joker was about to start cutting her up again. On those nights, filled with terror and rage, she wished Bruce would suffer for not saving them.

But on the good nights? The nights where she’d find hidden packages on rooftops filled with medical supplies and a note asking her to come home. The nights when they’d run into each other, and she knew for a fact that he was letting her go. On those nights, Esther missed him too.

Grief and trauma were just- just so hard to process. Even with Jason back now, it didn’t erase all that had happened.

Esther could see the school quickly approaching, and she felt Tim start to bring the glider down gradually, “Hey, Tim?” She called to him, and Tim nodded in acknowledgment, “If you go into my room at the Manor, there’s an old Monopoly board under my bed. Thursdays around noon, Bruce and Dick eat lunch in the kitchen. It’s physically impossible for them to reject playing a game.”

Tim’s eyes softened, not that she could see them. He’d mentioned not feeling like he was a part of a family, and now she was giving him tips to experience it.

Maybe Esther wasn’t as bad as he’d thought she was.

“But if you go through any of my other shit, I will literally skin you alive.”

Maybe.

…

The windows to the school were boarded over entirely, and from the outside, any passerby would assume it was abandoned.

“Should I go through the front doors?” Esther scanned the area, not seeing much to be worried about from the outside.

“Is that a joke?” Barbara laughed over the comm link. “That place is probably swarming with Black Mask’s boys.” Esther squinted, spotting a side entrance around the corner of the building. It was blocked off, but the window next to it was shattered. With a bit of maneuvering, she could probably get through.

“I’ve got an alternative, but I’ll need help getting through the building.” Esther made her way to the window, pushing slowly on the board that covered the open frame.

“I’ve got the blueprints here!” Dick’s voice sounded through the comms, and Esther sighed.

She almost laughed at the fact that she heard Barbara sigh at the same time as her. Some things never change. “Sorry, Dick decided he wanted to ‘help’ from my end.”

“I don’t know what you’re apologizing for; I’m a delight.” Dick grumbled, “Anyways, that window goes to the old guidance counselor's office.” Dick paused, “Also, uh, Esther. I know it’s kinda weird timing and everything but um… Bruce is making me do this charity volleyball competition next month… it’s kind of lame… but you know-”

Esther heaved herself over the ledge and into the building. “If this can wait, Dick, please let it.” She grunted, and Dick went silent. The office was empty, as she expected. She left the window unblocked for a quick exit later.

“The tracker is coming from the west end of the building. It looks like it’s in the old cafeteria.” The building was starting to fall apart. This elementary school had been shut down in the 90s, and boy, did it look it. There was a poster on the wall of cartoon children holding hands around the world, and some other ethnicities were a little too… on the nose.

“Jesus,” Esther mumbled, silently exiting the room to walk the dark hallways. Here and there, little beams of sunlight peeked through cracks in the walls.

Footsteps stomping down the hall forced She-Wolf to jam herself into one of the dark cubbies in the wall. It wasn’t the best hiding spot, but it should be dark enough for her to go unnoticed for a little bit.

“Asshole’s gonna die soon either way. He'll run out of oxygen even if we can’t get the safe open.” Two of Black Masks men pass her, pausing a few feet past her to look around, “Or bleed out. Kenny got him pretty good earlier.”

Esther’s fists balled up. She wanted to kill them and be done with it, but that didn't feel right with Barbara and Dick listening in. Today just kept getting harder and harder.

Sneaking up behind them, Esther grabbed both of their heads and smashed them together as hard as she could. A sickening crack echoed throughout the room, and Esther blinked, blood pouring from one of their heads.

She may have overdone it.

In her defense, Essie hadn’t been pulling her punches for a while now.

“The effort was appreciated,” Barbara noted, and Esther was grateful for the acknowledgment. “Turn left up ahead.”

“Did she just murder those guys?” Tim’s voice came through the comms, and Esther inwardly groaned. Were they watching her like a sick soap opera?

Following Barbara and Dick’s instructions was easy, despite the winding hallways, the real challenge came when she peeked into the window of the cafeteria. Fuck. She ducked down quickly.

“Oracle, there’s like twenty guys in there. It looks like Black Mask put a giant safe into the old kitchen walk-in freezer. I think my guy is inside.”

“If they got into a shootout with that many guys, your friend probably locked themselves inside to try and wait them out.” Barbara sighed, “I don’t suppose you have any explosives on you?”

“I do, actually.” Esther hoisted herself on top of one of the cubbies and pushed a ceiling tile aside, jumping up and catching the ledge with her fingers before pulling herself up into the crawl space. “Problem is, if I blow the door, the pressure will melt my friend's brain.”

Crawling until she was over the cafeteria, Esther smirked, “I might have a better idea for them, though. Cover your ears.” And with that, she cracked open the ceiling tile just above where the men were using a blow torch to try and break through the vault. Esther lit her bundle of little bombs and waited precisely three and a half seconds before dropping them from the crack.

The timing was perfect. The bombs had barely touched the ground before exploding with a violent BOOM. Stronger than Esther had been expecting because it caused the ceiling tiles to give out, dropping her about 13 feet off the ground and landing her on her ass.

“Oh, did she just eat it?” Dick asked.

“Yeah.” Barbara laughed, “But when doesn’t she?”

Esther sat up, the smoke clearing and a couple of the men stirring as well, “Shut up.” Esther groaned. She got to her feet and smacked a couple heads into the floor, knocking them out and possibly causing permanent brain damage. Whoops. One guy was definitely dead, but Esther kept that detail to herself.

“You don’t have long before someone investigates that noise,” Barbara informed her, and Esther sighed. One problem at a time, and right now, her next problem was the six-inch thick steel safe she needed to open.

“Great. Now I just need to magically know the code.” It was a digital keypad; theoretically, she could hack it to open it, but that would take time she just didn’t have. “Let’s see… Seven letters long. Password hint: your favorite movie.”

Esther blinked. Black Mask’s favorite movie? Seven letters… No. It couldn’t be that easy, could it? She started typing into the keypad.

T-H-E-M-A-S-K

The safe gears whirred and clicked from inside until the door cracked open an inch. No way.

Esther swung the door open, and ran inside, pausing as she took in the sight in front of her.

Gold. Jewels. Weapons. Gold weapons that were bejeweled. Piled as high as her knees. At the far end of the safe, on top of one of the piles, sat Red Hood, his head lulling to one side, a pool of blood soaking into the stacks of gold coins he sat on top of.

Esther made a sound almost like a whimper in the back of her throat, rushing forward and kneeling at Jason’s side. He’d been shot between the armor plates on his abdomen and his thigh. Yeah, Kenny really did get some lucky shots in.

Jason wasn’t moving.

Taking his head in Essie’s hands, she shook him softly, “Hey, hey. Come on, don’t do this to me.” She put her forehead against his, “Wake up.”

No response.

“I still need you,” Esther whispered, tears stinging in her eyes. She couldn’t be too late. Not again.

Suddenly Jason let out a raspy cough, his body shifting slowly, and Esther nearly let out a sob of relief.

“Hey, you.” Jay was smiling under his mask. “I got you the Hana- the Hanuk- The candle stick thing.” Jason lifted the solid gold Hanukkiyah in his right hand off the ground by an inch before weakly dropping it again. Esther let out a strained laugh, letting her head fall to his chest.

“It’s a man? You’re saving a man? Who is he? Ask her how tall he is.” Esther’s ear twitched at how loud Dick was talking from Barbara’s side.

“Dick, be quiet.” Oracle sighed, “She-Wolf, Black Mask has another safe house about a mile away. If he knows you’re there, it won’t be long before reinforcements show up.”

Understood. But Jason wasn’t going anywhere in this state. Esther pulled a small black device from her belt, which, even with his mask on, Esther could tell Jason was staring at. “That’s gonna hurt, isn’t it?”

With a nod, Esther uncapped what appeared to be a lighter. Inside, however, was carbon subnitride which burned a hell of a lot hotter than the average lighter. With the push of a button, a blue-white flame lit itself, and Esther placed Jay’s hand on her thigh with her free hand, “Hold tight.”

The room filled with Jason’s strained grunting, his teeth gnashing together as Essie cauterized his wounds to slow his bleeding. His gloved fingers dug into the flesh of her leg, her heart aching; Esther had hoped never to hear him again in this kind of pain.

Once his wounds weren’t bleeding as bad, Esther hooked his arm around her shoulders, “We need to go.” Jason nodded in response, bracing himself as she lifted him up. They limped out of the safe, Esther taking Jason’s gun from his holster and holding it in her free hand.

“There’s not much ammo left.” Jay grunted, “You didn’t need to come. I was figuring it out on my own.”

“That’s what it looked like.” Esther’s snark made him roll his eyes. She moved them out of the cafeteria, “You swore up and down to me that you had this handled. I’m never listening to you again.”

Jason could tell that even though she was relieved that he was alive, Essie was pissed at him. So he mustered all the charm he could in his condition and hit her with it, “Have I mentioned how fucking tiny your waist looks in that suit? It’s hot.”

Her face heated up, knowing he was just laying on thick, but… it was working, “That’s nice; put your tongue back in your mouth.” They were headed down the main hallway, sticking close to the walls in case Esther had to drop Jason to fight.

“Oh, these two definitely smashed.” Barbara’s voice gave away the fact that she was absolutely beaming.

“No way, this guy’s just being a creep!” Dick was panicked.

“Does Dick always make an idiot of himself in front of Esther?” Tim asked, crunching on what sounded like… popcorn? That little shit.

“No!” “Yes.”

“Es, watch out!” Jason pushed his body weight against her, and they stumbled into a side hallway just in time to miss getting shot by some men hiding behind an open door. Esther got back on her feet, helping Jay back up, when she realized that her comms had gone dead silent.

That was until Dick Grayson broke that silence.

“I’m sorry. What did he just say?”

Fuck. “Did he just call you Es? As in Esther? As in, Esther Wayne?” Dick’s voice had gone up an octave, and he was clearly freaking the fuck out.

“I’m gonna need you to bring it down about three levels, please. I can explain later.” Esther spoke through her teeth as she shifted Jason to her other shoulder.

“Is that Night-turd?” Red Hood smirked under his mask.

There was a moment of silence over her headset, and Esther knew why. Only one person had ever called Dick ‘Night-turd’. But as far as Dick Grayson knew, that person was supposed to be six feet under. But suddenly, many things were making sense; she could hear the gears moving in his head.

Surprisingly, Barbara broke the silence, “Esther, what’s… going on?” Esther’s head was spinning; in one hand, she was supporting Jason’s weight; in the other, she was shooting anything that moved, and now her comms were blowing up in her ear… She was starting to miss working alone.

“You have got to learn to keep your mouth shut,” Esther grumbled, the two lurching down the hallway until they came to a three-way intersection. Shit, which way had she come in again?

“So it is Bird-Brain.” Jason laughed. “Long-time no see, Dicky-bird.”

Barbara gasped, and Dick was in complete shock based on the moment of silence.

Tim’s voice chimed in, “Is that…?”

“It’s not possible.” Barbara sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Honestly, so was Esther, but for entirely different reasons.

“Can he hear me?” Jason asked, not bothering to wait for an answer, “Hey, Dick? Fuck you.”

“It’s him.” Dick’s voice was deadpan.

“Everyone shut up right now, or I’m going to fucking rip someone’s throat out.” Esther exploded and everything went silent. She was extremely overwhelmed, and her head was spinning. Taking a deep breath, she re-centered herself mentally. “Barbara, which way? Now.”

“Right.” Was her only response, and it was eerily silent on their end now. Maybe it was the threat, but more than likely, it was the shock.

Esther hadn’t meant for them to find out this way, but what other options had she had?

“You’ve got Black Mask’s boys coming to the north.” Dick’s voice was cold like steel.

“Take the main exit.” Jason coughed, blood splattering across the front of his suit from it. “To the left, up ahead.” Esther followed his instructions, freezing in her tracks as, about 10 feet ahead of them, a man the size of a minivan stepped out from one of the side rooms.

“Ooooh… fuck.” Esther and the goon made eye contact. Now, Esther was a tall girl. But damn, this man was HUGE. Her incident with Bane had already proved that she wasn’t much of a match for guys this big.

Jason glanced at her, “Shoot him.” His tone was incredulous that she hadn’t done so already.

“I can’t.” Esther muttered, setting Jason down against the side of the wall as the behemoth stepped closer to them, “There’s a child present.” Jason shot her a confused look, and she tapped the side of her mask.

“Thanks for thinking of me!” Tim squeaked over the comms. “But I think you should be more concerned about Barbara. She hasn’t blinked in like… two minutes.”

She-Wolf gave the gigantic thug a wide berth, inching circles around him in a defensive stance. The guy was missing an arm, dragging an enormous sledgehammer in the other.

“Tim! One arm, massive, giant hammer, what intel have you got for me?” Esther could see his dark eyes locked onto her, like a wolf hunting a mouse.

“I-I don’t know- Barbara and Dick are in front of the computers, and they aren’t moving.”

“Abramavici!” Jason called from behind her, “He used to work for Joker. And who the fuck is Tim?”

That’s why he looked sort of familiar. He was there the night Joker’s men took her and Jason.

“On second thought, Tim. I’m gonna put you on hold.” Esther reached up and turned off her mic. This guy wasn’t walking out of here alive. And a gun was just too easy. “Alright, Big Boy, I guess this is round two.”

“He doesn’t speak English.” Jason grimaced through his pain. Good thing Esther hadn’t paid him any mind because it was at that exact moment that Abramavici charged at her.

He wasn’t swift, but god, was he just big. And he swung that hammer around like it didn’t weigh anything. As soon as he got total momentum, Esther ran straight towards him, sliding across the floor at the last minute to dodge his hammer. She slid right between his legs, ramming her elbow straight up as she passed underneath, making Abramavici stumble as he clutched at his private parts.

Jason clenched his teeth, not exactly feeling sorry for the guy but at least glad he wasn’t facing off with her.

Coming up on the other side of the giant, Esther scrambled to her feet. His back was now to her, and she dug her heels into the ground, bolting towards him. She veered to the side, kicking off the side of the wall and catapulting herself onto his shoulders, locking her thighs in a vice-like grip around his thick neck.

Abramavici stumbled around, shocked that she’d easily gotten on top of him. He swung his hammer fruitlessly as Esther locked her wrists together and brought her elbows down as hard as she could against his head, again and again, and again.

The man must have had an iron skull because he just took it like she was simply an annoying fly he was trying to swat away.

One enormous hand came up and grabbed her thigh, clamping down and throwing her like a towel across the room with a twist of his body. Esther rolled across the floor, absorbing the shock in her knees and elbows.

She used the momentum of the rolls to twist herself into a kneeling position, one hand resting on the floor and the other reaching up for her blade. Anger flared up in her chest; Esther was so over this.

In one fluid movement, Esther pushed herself off the ground and unsheathed her khopesh. Abramavici was waiting for her, swinging his hammer once more. Esther felt the air shift just millimeters from her face, but her body was moving independently, entirely confident in itself and its timing.

The hammer missed by a hair.

And as soon as it was past, Esther forced her feet off the ground, kicked off of the thug’s knee, and, using the power of her speed and her legs, shot herself into the air. Her body twisted in mid-air, adding to the thrust of her dark blade before she brought it down hard and unrelenting against his neck.

There was a moment of silence as her feet hit the floor, landing in perfect position.

A moment later, a loud thwack sounded as Abramavici’s head landed beside her, rolling a few feet away.

Jason watched with a dropped jaw, “Es,” His eyebrows furrowed, “Where did you learn that move?” His tone was hesitant, and Esther herself faltered.

“I-” She didn’t know. Batman had never taught it to her, and it wasn’t one she’d learned on her own. And yet Essie’s body had just… known exactly what to do.

Esther stood up, her head rushing as the adrenaline passed. She rushed over to help Jason back up. If they didn’t have time before, they were significantly out of it now. She could hear more men running down one of the hallways.

Jason kept glancing at her as they rushed towards the exit, “That… was a League technique.”

There wasn’t time for Esther to think too hard about what he was saying as she kicked the door open, mid-day sun flooding their eyes. Gunshots sounded behind them, and Esther cursed under her breath, “It doesn’t matter. We need to get out of here!” Esther let the doors slam behind her.

The daylight disoriented Jason, and his body started to shut down from his injuries. “Over there.” He pointed weakly, and Esther saw what he was referring to… his bike. Esther dragged him across the street, throwing her leg over the side of the motorcycle. “Do you even know how to drive one of these?” Jay’s voice was concerned, but Essie had a feeling it was for the bike and not for her.

“Shut up.” She growled, Jason getting on behind her, his muscular arms holding her tight around her waist. Esther couldn’t lie- it was kind of hot. Her thighs clenched together tightly at his hands gripping her hips. “Just hold on.” She mumbled, her cheeks turning pink as he rested his head against her shoulder.

Revving up the engine, Esther tore off, bullets whizzing past them. Esther zoomed down different streets, riding in silence before noticing Jay's quietness. “Hey!” She called over her shoulder. No answer. “Jason!” She yelled. Essie could feel his arms slipping from her waist.

He was unconscious.

And just in time, two black cars pulled up on either side of her, windows cracking down and bullets blasting through the air. Esther Wayne just could not catch a break today.

Releasing one hand from the handlebars, Esther elbowed Jason in his gunshot wound, internally apologizing as he groaned loudly, arms tightening around her again. Thank god.

“Ouch.” He grumbled.

“Now would be a good time to use the gun!” Esther yelled over the wind, using the size of the motorcycle to her advantage as she wove in and out of traffic.

The Red Hood reached down her thigh and pulled his gun out, firing at the tires of the car to their right. The tires imploded, and the vehicle veered off the side of the road; into the side of a building.

Just one left.

Esther glanced ahead, ducking her head to avoid getting shot as Jason and the other car exchanged gunfire. The light about a hundred feet up flicked red and opposite traffic began to move through it. Shit.

She thought the word too soon, groaning as an eighteen-wheeler slowed to a stop in the middle of the approaching intersection.

Jason wasn’t going to like the idea brewing in her head.

“Jay!” Essie called back to him, and his shots paused.

“A little busy here, sweetheart!” He shouted back.

She-Wolf swallowed hard and hit the throttle, the bike jolting forward suddenly, “Stop firing and just hold on!”

Jason’s eyes went wide as he realized her plan, “No, no, no!” Too late to stop her now, Jay gripped her hips with a deathlock as Esther pushed all their weight onto one side of the bike, tipping it over and skidding them parallel with the ground as they slid underneath the belly of the semi-truck.

As soon as they were clear on the other side, Esther used all her strength to tip the motorcycle back onto its center. “Holy shit!” Jason moaned in her ear, and Esther bit down on her lip. She’d always known that adrenaline made her horny, but damn, she needed to calm down.

“You just earned a fucking lifetime ban from my bike!” Jason yelled over the wind, Esther slowing down as no other cars were in pursuit.

Esther grinned under her mask, “That was fun!”

She turned to the right, and Jay looked around. “Where are you going?” He asked, but he had a feeling that he knew.

“I’m sorry!” Esther sighed, “I don’t know how to fix you up, and you keep going in and out of consciousness. I gotta take you to Alfred.”

“No.” Jay tightened his grip on her; a warning. “Take me to my place,” He coughed up some more blood, “I have what I need there-”

“Jay-” Esther’s eyes flickered.

“Just do it!” Jason groaned against her, “Seventh and Twelfth.”

…

Esther pulled the bike into the alleyway, practically falling down the steps of his stoop as she held Jay against her. They stumbled into his apartment, and Esther blinked.

It was… charming. An apartment beneath a townhouse on the upper west side of Gotham, a nice neighborhood. It was small but had tall, Victorian walls and surprisingly large windows for being level with the street outside. A living area and kitchen greeted them, and Jay had clearly been renovating the space as it was half painted and plastic covered everything.

“Wow, and here I am squatting in a church.” Esther blinked before helping him to his room.

Jason was losing consciousness again, but he managed a “Door at the end of the hallway.” Before drooping weakly.

He was going to die. Again. If she didn’t do something soon. But she was honestly out of her depth on this one. Who knew what kind of internal bleeding he had?

Esther opened the door and threw him onto the bed inside. Now, this room seemed more like Jason. Neat and tidy. Weapons decorated the walls, and a bookshelf was over his bed frame. Essie laid him up in his bed, removed his mask, and shook his shoulders, “Red. Come on, Red. I need you to tell me what to do. Where’s your stuff?”

His eyes remained shut, but Jason lifted his hand to point at a dresser across the room. Esther scrambled to it and searched the drawers, finding nothing but clothes. Until she noticed the false bottom on the lowest drawer. She pulled it up and saw a box. This had to be what Jason was talking about.

Ripping it open, two silver pendants were nestled into a velvet cushion. What the hell? Esther picked one up with shaking fingers, eyeing it closely. There was a thin ridge a third of the way down the pendant, and Esther realized it wasn’t a pendant at all. It was a vial.

Rushing to Jason’s side, Esther twisted the vial open and forced his mouth open, pouring the glowing green liquid down his throat in one fell swoop.

Esther sat back on her heels beside him, her hand on his cheek. Her breathing was labored as she studied him, waiting for any response.

Jason stirred, coughing harshly. Esther could see the pink rush back to his cheeks, and she let out a sigh of relief, “Jesus Christ.” She laughed in reprieve.

“You don’t even believe in that guy,” Jay smirked, his eyelashes fluttering as he peered up at her. He looked so lazy like he was melting into the bed. “You mind helping me out of my suit? The blood is sticky.” He grimaced, and Esther made quick work of pulling his suit from his skin.

A sickening squelch sounded as she removed the armor around his gunshot wound, but once it was gone, she stared in shock. There was no wound. Just a scar. Essie traced the mark with her fingertip. “That liquid… Was that..?”

“From the Lazarus pit? Yeah.” Jason sighed, already looking about a hundred times better. “A little souvenir I brought back from North Africa when the League returned to Gotham. I made it this long without using one, and now I’ve only got the one left.” He rubbed at his face. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know I promised I’d be back before you woke up.” He lifted his hand and brushed her hair away from her cheek, his eyes scanning her body as Essie worked on removing his tactical pants, “What about you, are you okay?”

Esther stifled a laugh, and she pulled his boots off, “You’re asking me if I’m okay? You were literally dying not even two minutes ago.” Her fingers were trembling as she stood up and returned with a wet rag to clean his wounds. But Jay’s eyes were lasered in on her tremors.

“When did those start?” It felt good as the warm rag gently wiped the blood from his skin.

“The shakes?” Esther asked, and he nodded. “After the Joker.” She sighed, “They come and go. How does this feel?” She was pressing lightly on his thigh, where his other bullet wound was. She was kneading her knuckles into the area, which loosened the muscles in a way the Lazarus water just couldn’t.

Jay moaned softly, “Really nice, actually.” He stretched his leg out, sighing in contentment as she brought both hands to work into his tired muscles. Esther squirmed on the bed, swallowing hard at the noises falling from Jason’s lips as she rubbed out the tension from his thigh. “Essie,” Jason peeked an eye open, “You’re bleeding.”

Sure enough, she was. Her hip had a rose blossoming from it. One of the bullets must have grazed Essie while on the bike. “Oh, shit.” She muttered, peeling her own suit off until she was standing in her spandex shorts and sports bra. The shorts barely covered her ass cheeks, and the sports bra didn’t do her smaller-than-average breasts any favors.

Yet Jason was drinking in every inch of her with greedy eyes.

The cut on her hip was a few inches across but, luckily, not that deep. Esther held the rag tightly against it to stop the bleeding.

Jason pushed her fingers aside and held the rag there, pushing her, so she sat on his lap. The pressure he applied to her wound was firm but tender. “You shouldn’t have had to come save me. I-” He rolled his eyes, “I was distracted, and Roman��s boys got the drop on me.”

The truth was that all night his mind had kept wandering back to his time with his girl. His girl. Even now, that sounded so delectable in his head. The way it felt to fill Esther to the brim the night before, to finally, finally, claim her as his. Yet it hadn’t been enough, and he knew from the beginning it wouldn’t be. Jason knew that the moment he tasted Essie, there’d be no quitting her.

Esther could see him getting lost in his thoughts, and she wiggled on his lap until she was comfortable, enjoying how her movements pulled him from his head. “That’s okay,” Esther bit her lip, “We all get distracted sometimes.”

Was she- Flirting with him? Jason studied her expression, how she batted her lashes at him and how her chest had turned bright red. She was. She was flirting with him.

“Oh,” Jason raised an eyebrow, “You mean like how distracted you were on my bike?” He smirked, remembering how she’d pushed up against him when he wrapped his arms around her waist and how her facial expression lagged when he groaned in her ear. Esther looked away in embarrassment, and Jay snatched her chin in his hand, “You thought I didn’t notice?”

He forced Esther to look at him, enjoying the way her chest was suddenly rising and falling rapidly. Jason moved to sit up, but Esther put her hands on her chest and pushed him back down, “No.” She said firmly, her bottom lip jutted out in an enticing pout. “I wanna help you relax.” Essie’s fingers traced the edge of Jay’s black boxers, and Jason felt himself twitch from underneath the soft fabric.

Esther palmed at Jay's growing erection through the thin cotton, causing Jason to exhale softly. Sometimes this still didn’t feel real. Esther Wayne wanted Jason Todd. It was inexplicable, and yet, as she freed his cock from its fabric prison, she was looking at him like she wanted to devour him.

She snaked her body downward, resting between his thighs. Jay’s massive thighs made her look small, and as she took his dick in her hands and licked a stripe from base to tip, those thighs tightened and flexed. Jay was so fucking hard right now. His hand tangled in her hair, trying and failing to hold it back for her.

Gentle kisses were placed along his shaft, followed by her sweetly licking at his swollen and throbbing head. She lapped at the slit there, tasting that salty bead of pre-cum that had escaped. “O-oh God.” Jason groaned, his hips pushing himself against her lips, desperate to feel them close around him.

“He’s not here right now.” Esther smirked, swirling her tongue around his pulsing red tip, “Just me.” And without wasting another second, Esther pushed his fat cock past her lips and down her throat, letting her mouth pool with spit before pulling back off of him, a line of saliva connecting her mouth and his cock together.

Holy shit. Jason couldn’t look away from her; she didn’t even look ashamed of the spit line; instead, she just let more drip off her tongue and down his shaft. “Fuck, you’re a messy girl.” He breathed, so fucking transfixed by her.

Esther nodded, never breaking eye contact as she relaxed her jaw and went back to sloppily sucking his dick. Her pace was achingly slow, her fingers wrapped around his base and matching time with her ministrations. Essie’s spit dripped down over her fingers, only making her movements more messy and wet.

The sounds coming from her mouth and fingers were unholy. God, Esther was so messy, and Jason fucking loved it. His grip in her hair tightened, and he forced her to take the entirety of his cock; causing her to choke around it. “You like sucking my cock?” Jay asked, holding her still with his dick halfway down her esophagus.

Esther’s eyes started to water, her face becoming pudgy and pink, but she nodded anyway, “Mhrgm.” Essie garbled, laying her tongue flat against him, and she bobbed her head up and down a little faster.

“Oh, holy fuck, you do.” Jason breathed heavily, using his grip on her nape to guide her movements, trying not to cum at the sight of her hot tears falling against his lower stomach.

He just knew she was giving him all she had, and it was more than enough. Jason could see her nipples through her sports bra, and he fought the urge to rip through her clothes again. Jason held her head steady suddenly, caressing her cheek for only a moment before rutting his hips up fast and hard.

If she was going to give it all to him, Jay would take it all from her. Jason fucked himself roughly into her mouth, relishing the warm, wet sensation around his shaft. She looked so perfect, getting fucked into like this. “You take me so well, baby. You do such a good job taking this cock.” He growled, his hips moving at an almost rabid rate at this point.

And Essie fucking loved every second of this, her thighs clenching together tightly at the sight of Jason turning animalist above her. She was soaking wet at the sight of him. And those praises tumbling from his mouth? Esther would do anything just to hear those words said so sweetly yet carnally again.

Esther looked up at Jay through her lazy, fucked out eyes, moving her fingers to caress his balls. Jason couldn’t look away from her; she looked like a goddamn wet dream of his. “O-Oh shit-” He squeezed his eyes shut briefly as Esther hummed around his shaft, the vibrations sending him to another fucking planet, “Oh baby, you keep doing that, and I’m gonna cum in that pretty mouth.”

There was literally no fucking thing she wanted more.

Pushing her hair back from her face, Esther swallowed down more of Jay, more than she thought was possible. As he bottomed out inside her throat, Essie gave him big innocent eyes, and that was it for Jason, “Fuck, sweetheart, I’m gonna cum. I-I’m g- I’m gonna-” He panted multiple times, fucking into her mouth at a crazed, uneven pace before pulling out just enough to coat her lips and gaping mouth with his hot load of salty cum. His stomach twitched and seized as he squeezed his eyes shut, his mouth hanging open as he moaned loudly.

Esther swallowed it down, licking at her lips and savoring the taste of Jason on her tongue. He opened his eyes in time to watch her clean his cock off with her lips, and Jason seriously considered fucking her into the next week.

Once he was all clean, Esther wiped her mouth on the back of her hand, grinning up at Jason, who was still breathing heavily, eyes half-lidded in ecstasy. Jay pulled her by her hair until she was eye-level with him before bringing her in for a lazy, slopping kiss. He could taste himself on her tongue, and he growled from the back of his throat.

Pulling herself from the kiss, Esther placed a tender peck on Jay’s forehead, “I’m gonna go get a drink.” She bolted off of him, Jay sighing in contentment as he slipped his softening cock back into his boxers.

Oh god, that was so much better than he’d ever imagined it. Even now, as he could hear her rustling in his kitchen, his body was like jello, as if he had no bones in his entire body.

When Esther returned, she had two glasses of water in her hands. Jason eagerly took one and gulped it down, not remembering the last time he had drank some water. “Thanks.” He placed the glass on the side table before hooking his arms around Essie’s waist and pulling her onto the bed, cradling her in his arms. Jason littered kisses all over her face, which screwed up in mock sourness. “Oh, don’t act like you hate me now,” Jay teased, “Not after you left me face fuck you like a little slut.”

Esther’s face heated up, and she laughed aloud, smacking Jason in the arm, “Asshole.” Jay yawned heavily, his eyes struggling to stay open. Esther brushed his cheek with her thumb, “But an asshole that needs to sleep.”

Jason huffed, “No, I need to follow up on some leads. Can you bring me my laptop from the office?” He yawned again, and Esther gave him a guilty look.

“See,” She scratched his scalp soothingly, “I thought you might say that….”

Red squinted at her suspiciously, “What..?”

“You need to rest.” Essie pouted, “No if, and’s, or but’s… So I maybe crushed up like six of your melatonins and put it in your drink.” She said it so fast that Jason almost didn’t catch any of it, but he still managed to decipher her words and groaned.

“Es, those are prescription strength.” His eyelids felt so, so heavy. And wow, had his pillows always been so comfy?

“I know.” Esther bit the inside of her cheek, “Sorry.”

She slowly got off Jason, his eyes closing a moment later. Esther threw a blanket over the top of Jay and placed a kiss on his cheek.

“Stubborn little bitch.” Jason mumbled before dozing off into a deep, drug-induced, but well-needed sleep.

…

The shower pressure in this apartment was heavenly.

Esther hadn’t had a proper shower in ages. At least not one where she wasn’t nervous that a nun would hear her and call the cops.

So its high pressure and warm, soothing water felt amazing against her skin. As if all the tension in her body was melting from her skin and swirling down the drain. She missed this, having a space of her own to deflate. At the beginning of striking out on her own, Esther had tried renting multiple times, but each time Bruce would show up to try and ‘talk some sense into her.' Even when she tried using fake names. So going entirely off the grid was the only option he’d left her with.

And this place really took Essie by surprise. It was… genuinely stunning. A model of old Gotham architecture that looked like Jay was renovating to have a touch of modernism. But why? Seemed like a weird hobby to have in between working for the League of Shadows.

Coming out of the shower, her bare feet shivered at the cool touch of tile beneath her. Her eyes caught on the drain in the middle of the black and cream patterned tile… Okay, now that made sense. She could picture Jay washing down the blood from his exploits.

She wrapped a towel around her battered, bruised, and scarred body before walking back into Jason’s room. Jason was sprawled out across his dark comforter, snoring quietly. The sight made her smile. Safe and sound. Before walking to his closet, Esther paused at his bookshelf. Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, Wuthering Heights… Twelfth Night. That one caught her eye. Jason loved the regency era but hated Shakespeare. Twelfth Night was Esther’s favorite.

Thumbing at its spine, Esther pulled the hardcover from the shelf and flipped through the pages to find countless notes in sloppy black ink. One particular part was underlined and caught her eye…

“Make me a willow cabin at your gate,

And call upon my soul within the house;

Write loyal cantons of contemned love

And sing them loud even in the dead of night;.”

Esther’s heart thumped in her chest. Of all the lines, he liked that one. Shaking her head and trying to hide the meek smile on her lips, Essie put the book back on its shelf before walking to the closet and picking out an old gray t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants.

As she dropped her towel, Esther caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her body looked… broken. But the part Esther hated most, that made it hard to look at her reflection was the three gashes across her stomach.

Esther typically covered them with makeup, high-waisted pants… or just any way she could. Those three gashes were from day fifty-six with the Joker… The day he invited Victor Zsasz to come and play…

Shivers ran down her spine, and Esther quickly slipped the oversized shirt over her head. If it was out of sight, it was out of mind. The sweatpants hung loosely around her hips, but that’s how she liked it anyway.

A sound made her freeze. Clinking was coming from outside of the room. Like… Someone was in the kitchen. Esther snatched a gun from Jason’s nightstand. She slowly eased the bedroom door open, slipping around the corner, and unclicked the safety as she pressed herself against the wall that separated the hallway from the kitchen.

More shuffling could be heard, and Esther recognized a distinct chopping sound. Someone was definitely in there, and they were… cooking?

“I know you’re there, alsaghir.” Little one. Esther’s eye twitched, wondering again why she could understand that word. And why that silky, smooth voice sounded just so… recognizable.

Esther peeked around the corner to find a strange sight.

Talia al Ghul cutting up vegetables in Jason's kitchen.

“I brought ingredients for tabbouleh.” Talia was achingly stunning, her clothing accenting her otherworldly beauty. Her voice was dripping honey, “You loved it when I would make this for you.”

Esther approached slowly, lowering her gun, “I- We’ve never met before.” She squinted, and Esther was greeted with the same splitting headache from earlier in the day.

“Are you sure of that, alsaghir?” Talia’s soft brown hair fell perfectly around her oval face, her skin like moonlight. No wonder Bruce had a soft spot for her. “My father sends his congratulations on completing your rite. The first of many to come. Although he would ask that in the future you accept no help from your… comrades.”

Leaning against the wall, Esther studied Talia. “That’s… nice of you to deliver the message.” And also highly inconvenient for Talia to come all this way. “I hope it wasn’t a long drive.” She raised an eyebrow, and Talia laughed at her attempt at small talk.

“Jason is doing well then?” Talia asked, turning her back to check on the flatbread she was warming on the stovetop. Esther couldn’t lie. It smelled heavenly. But something in Talia’s tone caused her eyes to narrow.

“He’s resting.” She answered simply. “Why are you here, Talia? You didn’t come all this way to check on Jason and me. One of your handmaidens could have done that for you.”

Removing the flatbread from the heat, Talia turned back to Esther and placed the fluffy carb onto a plate at the small table. “Sit.” She instructed, and Esther felt the urge to obey for some reason. Slowly, she sat at the place that Talia had prepared for her, taking a sip of the water that had been placed there.

“I’m sure you’ve noticed a significant lack in your memories by now.” Talia raised an eyebrow at Esther, and Essie blinked. How did she-? “Probably starting from the moment my father met with you this morning. Things you can’t remember, things you shouldn’t know but do… Perhaps even a change in your fighting skills.”

What the hell was going on here? How could Talia possibly know what was going on in her head today?

“Jason begged my father to leave you out of his plans, but as I’m sure you know, the Demon is not easily swayed by the demands of others.” Talia chopped some parsley into fine pieces, “So tell me, Sadiyah, what do you remember of your childhood?”

There was that name again, so foreign, yet… it didn’t feel wrong to answer to it. “Stop calling me that.” Essie’s eye twitched again, but her voice was much more timid than usual.

“Why wouldn’t I use the name given to you at birth?” Talia tossed all the chopped ingredients together, “But I suppose I should be more understanding. It’s not like you remember.”

Her words made Essie’s head pound, “What… are you talking about?” Esther rubbed at her temple.

“You have had something stolen from you, Sadiyah, and you don’t even know it.” Talia placed the bowl of food in front of Esther before squeezing a lemon over the top, “Do you truly believe that my father would have created something like you- something with so much potential and then just left you in the care of strange doctors? Eat.”

The food did look fantastic, and Esther was starving. She eyed Talia; Esther used the soft, warm bread to scoop up some of the salad(?) that Talia had made. The moment it hit her tongue, her head panged like it was going to split open. She had tasted this before; Esther knew it. But she also had no memory of it. “You’re saying… Ra’s has my memories?” She choked out, eyes squeezed shut in pain.

A flash of an image crossed her mind, Talia al Ghul sitting criss-cross in front of her, swords laid out between them, as they both ate from bowls containing food that looked a lot like what sat in front of Esther right now.

“Ahh,” Talia hummed, “I knew you’d remember this. You would have eaten my tabbouleh every day had I permitted.” She leaned against the kitchen counter, “And not necessarily. He stole them, yes, but he never truly took them from you.” Esther continued to eat (What could she say, it was really good), “They live inside you yet. Just… locked away. And all you need is the key.”

A sigh escaped Esther’s lips, “A key, I’m guessing, that you have?”

“An astute observation, Sadiyah.” Each time Talia used that name, Esther winced. “Yes, I have what you need to remember….”

The older woman trailed off, and Esther rolled her eyes, “And you want something in return?”

Talia placed the dirty dishes in the sink before she turned once more to give Esther a sly smile, “You need not concern yourself. It’s an easy task. I simply need you to deliver something for me to your brother.”

“Deliver what?” Esther’s eyes narrowed once more, wondering if it was a weapon, a message, or some weird sex thing. All three of those sounded annoying at best to deal with.

“Aidkhul!” Talia called over her shoulder, and Jason’s front door opened. A small frame entered the room, covered in a heavy cloak with snowflakes decorating the dark fabric.

The figure removed its hood, and Esther’s jaw tightened. Perhaps a child would not have been so shocking, but it was the child’s face that astonished her- the boy child couldn’t have been older than eight years old, and yet he looked exactly like…

“Sadiyah, this is my son. The rightful heir to the Demon.” Talia put her arm around the boy, whose eyes were examining Esther like she was his prey. Esther met him with the same calculative stare.

“Damian.”

tags: @niphredil-14 @honeybee54321 @princesscumdump444

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smolie · 4 years ago

Text

in december i wrote a 2020 year music review for myself that i intended to post here BUT...because i was infamously restricted twice last year, i didn’t bother since you wouldn’t be able to read it anyway because it was not possible to view my blog hjfdhfd

now that my restricted era is (hopefully forever) over i just want to post it here for the sake of completion since i want to do the same thing this year

this is really long so if you actually read it ... idk you are insane in the membrane and i love you... but i genuinely don’t expect anyone to read this hjfdhjf i just like reflecting on the music i have listened to and be able to look back on what i enjoyed in certain stages of my life! okiiii bye 💗

january

mac miller - circles (album) it’s a bit funny that i worried putting my thoughts down about this album and now it turns out to be first on the list, chronologically of course … oh bittersweet irony </3 listening to this album is such a double edged sword, either way i am always hit with a truckload of feelings when i turn to this release.

this album came to me in a time of my life where i was slowly but surely sliding down towards rock bottom again just after i got out of it and thought i was okay. the times i’ve listened to this crying in the bathtub with a glass of wine….girl let’s not lol…. it’s almost strange how much i can relate to the thoughts another person brought to paper. the comfort this album brings me is otherworldly, i feel so understood by mac’s words and it’s my go-to “wallow in self-pity for a bit then come out stronger than before” album. then again, i feel a little sting when any of mac’s songs come on shuffle. a friend of mine said she cannot listen to artists who have passed because it feels too strange and most of the time i agree but this time, it’s so so different. this album would have been mac’s salvation, i can feel it. everything would have been a bit brighter and lighter for him after this, it would have had to be. i feel like i would do him a disservice if i did not listen to this album, so i will cherish this final gift from him as his legacy and my comfort. i miss him incredibly and am all the more thankful he shared his heart with us.

album favs: circles, good news, surf

tiny meat gang - broke bitch (single) MAN I TELL THAT BROKE BITCH IF YOU WANNA GET IN TUNE BETTER CHANGE YOUR WHOLE PITCH LIKE WOAH !!!!!!!!!! did that give you whiplash? hehe funny to say this about a song called broke bitch by a duo called tiny meat gang but this song actually means a lot to me! it came out shortly before their show in berlin and i almost exclusively listened to it on my 7+ hours train ride from one side of the country to the other to see my meat boys. this played out of the fat ass speakers at the venue when they stepped on the stage and i will never forget meeting them :’) also the song fucking slaps obviously

february

loona - [#] (mini album) ah yes, the most controversial loona release to date! i’m not gonna lie and say this sounded anything like i expected it to. but also, i have come to terms with the fact that loona release noise music now and personally i am here for it. why not did not have the endless energy of hi high or otherworldly vibe of butterfly, but it’s a hype song and i am always there for hype. i also have to say the b-sides were not as strong for me as on previous releases but i think i have to come to peace with the fact that loona will never top their debut mini for me. though if i can wish for one thing…… let loona have title tracks with a chorus in 2021? pls? crumbs?

album favs: so what, oh (yes i am)

tame impala - the slow rush (album) *lights cigarette* i’m listening to pretty underground music….i don’t think you’ve heard of this band….they are called tame impala *intro of the less i know the better starts playing* yes i am a basic white bitch and listen to like 3 alternative bands but damn i listen to them religiously. like any other basic bitch on this planet i found out about tame impala through the less i know the better and checked out their music. i wasn’t too much into this album as i was into currents but towards the end of the year, i was in a moody alternative music slump that took me back to this album and i like it a lot more now! most importantly, tame impala fulfills my primitive urge to listen to songs that exceed the 4 minute mark. something clicks in my brain when i see a song that is like 6:34 and chances that it ends up as one of my faves on a album are high. i enjoy tiktok like everyone else but this trend of 2:50 long songs needs to be stopped immediately.

album favs: borderline, lost in yesterday, it might be time, is it true, posthumous forgiveness

honorary mentions: onlyoneof - dOra maar, everglow - dundun

march

nct 127 - neo zone (album) ah, yes. the album that fundamentally changed me as a person <3 i’ve been listening to nct for a while, matter of fact i checked my top tracks 2019 playlist on spotify and cherry bomb was on there lol. i remember trying to get into them in 2018 when they released their regular-irregular album but the endless member & unit concept scared me off, so i only listened to a handful of songs without looking into them march 2020, the fateful month in which they released kick it and screencaps of jaehyun’s sexy ass tiddies in the kick it mv landed on my tumblr or twitter and i HAD to look up who this man is…...remember when i thought jaehyun was my ult for like, 2 weeks? me neither, johnny suh only in this house <3

anyway, i checked out this album and by god, is this pure kpop perfection. last time i listened to a god tier no skip album like this was … maybe the perfect red velvet? hype songs, well crafted ballads, love songs that make me wanna learn the lyrics, genuinely fun and interesting pop songs, this album has it all. somehow, the way this album is crafted greatly reminds me of brown eyed girls’ sound-g, it has the same vibe, concept and mix of genres to me, i’m not entirely sure how to explain. anyway, this album is one of my favorites of all time and even though i’ve obsessively listened to it (lastfm says 1.4k scrobbles as of today, december 7th…) i am still not tired of this. i recommend this to anyone who loves kpop tbh, you will have a good time with this!

other than being just a musically solid album, the emotional ties i have with this are …. isabel stop making albums your emotional support 2021 challenge. i’ve listened to this release all spring lockdown, this basically played at every waking hour for all of march and april. the promotion time of this era and lockdown are deeply intertwined for me and so i am always remembered of all the nct content i consumed during that time which inevitably cheered me up so much. this album really means a lot to me :’)

album favs: kick it, mad dog, love song, boom

honorary mentions: itzy - wannabe,

the weeknd - after hours (album) my dear melchanoly, was one of my favorite releases of 2018, so i had been desperate for a new release by abel and boy did he not disappoint. the perfect thotty, dirty emo 80s, making it clap while crying in the club album! this is a no skip from top to bottom and all i can say is that the grammys can go to hell <3 abel aoty! there is really not much i can say about this album, the flawless production, lyrics and sound speak for themself. my only criticism is that i feel overwhelmed by 14 songs, especially when some of them are really long. a few songs greatly overshadow the weaker tracks on the album for me but i still love this to death.

album favs: escape from LA, blinding lights, after hours, faith

dua lipa - future nostalgia (album) after the weeknd’s masterpiece of an 80s inspired pop album i was really looking forward to this. i greatly enjoyed the pre-releases, i played don’t start now and physical up and down, they are still some of my favorite songs released this year! when i first listened to the album i really liked it, songs like boys will be boys or pretty please sound like fillers to be but the rest is solid. yet a month after release you couldn’t catch me listening to this and i cannot even really tell you why. i think it was a combination of the following: 1) i greatly overplayed dsn and physical to the point where i didn’t want more of the pop 80s sound that the album has 2) there were other releases at the time that caught my attention and interest more like neo zone or after hours 3) dua herself….girl….she really gave it her all this year to make herself as unlikeable as possible. nationalist propaganda and the constant traveling during a fucking pandemic were really the kicker. i can barely stand seeing her on my instagram feed anymore, much less listen to her album. her having the nerve to go “we’re in a pandemic lol” when people asked about an animated music video …. if you don’t shut the hell up lmao … also, she takes the crown for the corniest album opener of all time. i nearly closed spotify when i heard future nostalgia (the song) lmao

album favs: don’t start now, physical, levitating, hallucinate

honorary mentions: megan thee stallion - savage

april

apink - dumhdurum (song)

listen, i’m not gonna sit here and pretend like this mini album interested me in the slightest but god, the title is such a banger.i’m so sick, eung eung and dumhdurum are a holy trilogy that i will defend until the end of time! i really hope apink stick to this mature, elegant concept, it suits them so well and goes well with their new sound. come back soon queens <3

rina sawayama - xs (song) i feel like i’m gonna catch some hands here … xs is an absolute banger, the guitar riffs and disruptive sounds really get me going every damn time! but the rest of the album … tell me why it doesn’t catch me?! i literally cannot explain. i need to take an hour, sit down and do nothing but listen to the album from top to bottom once again and see if my thoughts change but right now i only care about xs.

chungha - stay tonight (song) drama! vocals! dance break! choreography! this release served it all. i listened to this obsessively during the time of the release and it still holds up today. can we talk about the run chungha had with gotta go > snapping > stay tonight? lord have mercy.

honorary mentions: april - lalalilala, nct dream - ridin’

may

lady gaga - chromatica (album) the immense disappointment i have in this album is tough to put into words lol. any other artist might have gotten away with this release but gaga having the discography that she has, well … she doesn’t get away with it. this has underwhelming all over it. i enjoyed the pre-releases and my hope was high but the rest just doesn’t live up what i expected, i can’t even say why. it’s just underwhelming pop for someone of gaga’s calibre. i listened to this album during release week and then never again till december to write this list and i can see why.

album favs: rain on me, sour candy ft. blackpink, stupid love

baekhyun - delight (mini album) it’s confession time … this is a name i never would have expected on any of my music lists to end up. exo has always been one of those boy groups i casually listened to. i greatly enjoy their title tracks and a handful of side tracks, i have a few members that i keep an eye on more than others but that’s about it. baekhyun was never one of those members i had any interest in, matter of fact i always thought he was kinda vanilla and boring 😭 i didn’t even plan on listening to this release if it wasn’t for his association with superm and thus nct, so i gave it a shot and we have no choice but to stan. his voice is like butter and can cut sharp at the same time, his versatility is insane. i dived a bit more into baekhyun related content and he is so likeable, it’s almost ridiculous. this production is absolute god tier, not a single skip on this mini. late spring/early summer i had this weird urge to listen to songs with mellow voices but still a banger instrumental and i wholeheartedly blame this release. matter of fact, this album is so good, i had to buy a physical copy. Y’ALL. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. i haven’t bought a kpop album of anyone that’s not holy top 3 (brown eyed girls, loona, nct) in like … idk, 5 years?! baekhyun’s impact. i’m a fan now <3

album favs: candy, r u ridin’?, love again

ak aussenkontrolle - in meinem benz (song) this … is very unrelated to this entirely list but i had to put it on here. i miss my ex boss and our 3 hour drives to meetings in the south of the country where we would blast trashy german rap music </3

nct 127 - neo zone: the final round (repackage) *airhorns* REEEPACKAGE TIIIIIME!!! my first nct era that i experienced from start to finish! i remember watching nct 127’s beyond live with luna where these mfs performed punch and we finished the concert having no idea what this song sounded like. the structure is so unusual and the intro catches me off-guard every time just to hype me up beyond compare. not gonna lie, the fact that johnny has exactly one (1) line hurts but! it’s my favorite line of the entire song! possibly related to the fact that it’s his line but let’s ignore that ….

album favs: punch, make your day

kim woo seok - red moon (song) i’m not even gonna lie to you. i have not a single idea who this man is. you could put him right in front of me and i wouldn’t know … all i know is that he has a banger song. i saw him perform this on a music show that i watched for nct and i ended up loving the song … thanks for your service sir, whoever you are ...

june

stray kids - go live (album) 2020 was kind of the year of boy groups for me, i’m so sorry … stray kids promoted simultaneously with nct 127 so i ended up hearing their title track and holy hell, is that a song. god’s menu is hype from start to finish. it reminds me of good ol’ 2nd gen noise boy group song a lá b*g b*ng fantastic baby. just pure hype and fun noise. i am forever grateful to witness the birth of the line cooking like a chef, i’m a five star michelin. the title track impressed me so much that i ended up checking out the entire album which i rarely ever do with boy groups and what is even rarer is that i enjoyed the b sides lmao!!! it’s not an album that i would put on and just enjoy from start to finish but it has some really solid tracks! this release made me want to keep an eye on stray kids, they seem like a really fun bunch.

album favs: god’s menu, TA, airplane

seventeen - left & right (song) the boy group run continues … same thing with stray kids, seventeen promoted during punch era so i heard their song while watching some music station show for nct and i heard this and was sold. solid, fun pop with the catchiest pre-chorus in history and a banger chorus. i listened to the entire mini and can’t say it really caught my interest so this is a title track only release for me.

dishonorary mentions: twice - more & more (i hate this song so much lol)

honorary mentions: ryu sejeong - tiger eyes, monsta x - fantasia, chloe x halle - do it

july

irene & seulgi - monster (mini) this is a weird release because it’s good. the title track is fun enough, the b sides are dope. but my issue with this is that it’s nothing new. this sounds exactly like a red velvet release. i get that they didn’t want to a joy, seulgi, irene, yeri release only and went for the sub-unit route instead, but why not be experimental and stray away from the usual sound of the group? also, whoever made monster and not naughty the title track deserves to be spat on. at least the choreography here is more interesting and “experimental” for kpop standards. also, why only a seulgi solo and no irene? i have no idea how reveluvs reacted to this release but this has rushed written all over it.

album favs: monster, naughty (i’m counting this to the mini idc), uncover

exo-sc - 1 billion views (mini) doing my part as a filthy casual exo listener. this release goes in the same category as baekhyun’s delight where i like the album so much that i HAD to get a physical copy. i don’t know what they put in the title track for it to be so diddly darn addictive but it clearly worked. the only bad thing about this release is how criminally mismanaged it was by sm, when i get you lee sooman ...

album favs: 1 billion views, on me, say it

baekhyun - garden in the air (song) i told you i’m a loyal baekhyun fan now <3 king releases and i listen, that’s just how it goes now! this is a cover of a boa song and i really love his version. there is not much to say except that it’s a really smooth song and his voice absolutely carries the track. i enjoyed this much more than i thought i would!

hyoyeon - dessert (song) YOU KNOW WHAT I DESERVE??? DESSERT!!!!!!! *insert tik tok challenge here* imagine if miryo featured on this instead of the ethnic hip girl … why can’t we have nice things. anyway, a banger!

johnny - sunny side up episode 1 set (spotify playlist, actual set) johnny being the skilled, talented, multi-faceted king that he is has been dj-ing since before debut (not me acting like i was around at that time lmao) and thus he decided to bless our quarantined, lockdowned asses with an online dj set! that was the most turned up sunday morning i ever had in my entire life. this set kicked off an edm/house/techno affinity that i had for the following couple of weeks. this set is an absolute banger, i would go insane to this in the club. he has an amazing ear for transitions and drops and i still just put on this set on the regular when i have cleaning to do or so. he could fill the void that rona and thus no clubbing in 2020 left in my heart and i’m so happy he decided to share this with us <3 now … john … sunny side up episode 2 pspspspspsps

honorary mentions: gfriend - apple, jessi - nunu nana

august

cardi b ft. megan thee stallion - wap (song) late summer 2021. we are vaccinated, icu beds are free, barely any new cases, clubs are open, this song plays and i can finally make it fucking clap.

troye sivan - in a dream (mini album) a cute mini album! nothing life-changing or as exciting as previous releases but easy (haha!) to enjoy. i really, really enjoy easy, can always count on troye for a dreamy sound.

album favs: easy

honorary mentions: itzy - not shy

september

wonho - love synonym pt. 1: right for me (mini album) honestly? i know like, 3 monsta x songs. i never bothered to get into them and maybe i never will, but it was difficult to ignore the whole wonho & monsta x mess that went on. i have absolutely no memory of why i decided to check out this release, i guess i was curious what he was going to do and … i was positively surprised lol. open mind is the exact time of song i had been so desperate all summer (remember mellow vocals with banger instrumentals? yeah) and uhm … can’t ignore the obvious … mr wonho is fucking fine. sir, you just gained a fan … now, where is love synonym part 2?? huh?????

album favs: open mind, i just, losing you

joji - nectar (album) this one is on tiktok. i heard gimme love in a bunch of tiktoks and had to look up the song and here we are. what an album! it came right as seasonal depression started to hit and accompanied me for a good chunk of autumn. at this point one has to ask if joji can ever really miss? the entire album is a no skip, it’s almost difficult to narrow down my favorites if my favorites weren’t so damn god tier!!!

album favs: gimme love, ew, tick tock, pretty boy, your man

super m - tiger inside / 100 / drip (songs) okay, listen. technically tiger inside & 100 were already released in august. instead of those three songs i was gonna write about the entire album until i realized i really don’t give a fuck about it 😭 i really only care about those three songs. and YES, i unironically like 100. is it a good song? no. but neither is jopping and that fucking bangs. i don’t turn to superm for life-changing, profound music, i turn to them for a good time LOL and that’s what they deliver every time! that being said, taeyong’s VROOM VROOM, UHMM UHMM, GRRRAHHHH verse is life-changing and profound! speak your truth king! also i wish drip was a b side for nct 127 that song is so damn sexy

taemin - never gonna dance again act 1 (album) this isn’t kpop, this is taemin pop. taemin never misses and the fact that hw*s* won dance performance over taemin is a literal hate crime. i will never forget the industry for this daylight robbery … anyway, nice album!!!!

album favs: criminal, black rose, waiting for

stray kids - in life (repackage) *airhorns* REPACKAGE TIIIIME 2.0!!!! i was on the edge of my seat waiting what stray kids were going to deliver after i greatly enjoyed god’s menu. i was still not over listening god’s menu when the repackage came out so i didn’t listen to it right away and now i greatly regret the few days i could have listened to back door earlier </3

album favs: back door, any

jackson wang - pretty please (song) i’m not gonna pretend like i ever listened to a song by jackson ever before. he is short king from got7 in my head and that’s all! i don’t even remember why i listened to this song but all i know is that it slaps severely. i love the wong kar wai inspired music video and the choreography is fun too! i’m gonna check out more of his music <3

honorary mentions: fromis9 - feel good, knk - ride

october

blackpink - the album (album, duh) i don’t even know what to say about this … this might be the weirdest release on the list for me. there are song i absolutely fucking hate (ice cream …) and songs i get my life to (pretty savage) on here and the discrepancy just gives me massive whiplash. i would never put this album on and listen to the whole body of work, i just cannot with the brain damage it gives me. i am still stuck in 2016, begging for bp to release music like whistle/boombayah/stay/playing with fire but i think i need to give up on that wishful thinking … i am just grateful we a got a title track with actual lyrics in the chrous for once.

album favs: pretty savage, lovesick girls

nct - nct 2020 resonance pt. 1 (album) this era was … a ride. nct 2020 happening was near inevitable but with covid it got pushed back so far, i started to believe it wasn’t even going to happen. i was semi-terrified of what was going to happen during a comeback with 21 (now 23!!) member group since i only experienced nct 127 comebacks so far and uhh … a LOT happened lmfao but let’s keep this about the album … i had no idea what was going to hit me. johnny having effectively 3 lines in nct 2018 did not give me much hope and after he got denoted to no line treatment in punch again, i was ready to not even have any expectation but this release changed everything. make no mistake that most of my favorite songs are units with johnny, we knew that was gonna happen lmaooo they dropped the teaser video for misfit and i thought i had my favorite song in the bag and then faded in my last song happened. y’all. JOHNNY SINGS? LIKE? ACTUALLY SINGS? DOESN’T GET FORCED TO RAP OR TALK-SING? MY MAN’S VOCALS??? OH MY GAAAAHD! this song is dramatic, theatrical, emo, it serves vocals and rap, it has catchy english and korean lyrics, this is THE song, the ULTIMATE song. i love this song so much, i want to belt it on top of my lungs in the pouring rain. apart from fimls, i also loveeee misfit, that was to be expected after i was going completely insane over the track video. johnny has like 3 lines but again they are iconic (WARNIN’! NCT WE MOBBIN’!) and i just enjoy the track too much to be upset over that. nectar. holy fuck. nectar!!!! wayv never disappoints with their thotty songs, they now have an absolute god tier hoe-ly song trinity with love talk > bad alive > nectar. the first chorus and hendery’s first verse (CHOP CHOP CHOP!) get me every time, this song is so insanely good i am severely upset i cannot sing along to it :( music, dance has nct 127 written all over it in bold letters, it’s so inherently 127’s sound!!!! i love this song so much, it’s so fun, upset and has massive dance-ability, i wish we had gotten a stage for it but i guess you can’t have everything in life </3 make a wish……………………………..the cursed unit. i don’t want to say anything about this except that, unfortunately, the song is fun and i enjoy it. the end. overall, this album is so insanely solid. i know i talk about my favorites A LOT but i genuinely do not dislike a single song on here, this is an absolute no skip album! that’s it. see you for resonance part 2!!!!!

album favs: FADED IN MY LAST SONG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, misfit, nectar, music dance, make a wish

loona - 12:00 (mini album) controversial loona release 2.0! i don’t know what it is, but somehow they managed to lace the words di da dam di dam di dam dam dam dam di dam (yeah) with pure crack. i fucking love why not, i would even go as far to say it’s my 2nd favorite title track. that is right, i think it’s better than butterfly (btw: hi high > why not > butterfly > so what). so much was strange this comeback, from the inexplicable concept + teasers, the outfits, the styling (yves….i mourn your hot girl era) but the title track is just SO good, SO fun, SO catchy that i am willing to ignore it all. i also enjoy the b sides much more than on #, they are much more memorable to me. and now … HASEUL RETURN…………….i purely live to see the next loona comeback at this point

album favs: why not, voice, universe

twice - i can’t stop me (song) thank fuck twice released a good song this year. if more & more had been the only 2020 release, that would have been the real tragedy. not gonna lie, i still haven’t listened to the full album, it just keeps slipping my mind. but! i’m going to! until then i’m gonna bop to i can’t stop me.

ariana grande - positions (album) the way this album has people upset is so funny. i am a huge dangerous woman fan myself, it’s my fave ariana album to date but she has said repeatedly that this is not the sound she is striving for. now she has her coin and can do whatever she wants in music and if that is r’n’b then fuck! we have to live with it! lmao! i can live with the sex theme of the album because it’s delivered in a fun way? but it’s getting a bit old...if the next album is about riding dick only too idk how much i would enjoy that. i would probably always come back to ari because i like her voice so much but girl, there are other topics to sing about, i promise! anyway! i like this album, it’s one of those where i can hit shuffle and enjoy it in the background while doing other stuff.

album favs: positions, 34 + 35, love language, my hair, pov

tiny meat gang - sofia (song) ayyy, it’s my meat boys :’) ending the year the same way they started it, with a banger! i absolutely love the guitar instrumental, the melancholic love song type sound paired with the theme of singing about loving a robot … yup, that’s creativity and talent right here! this makes me so freaking desperate for a new ep and i genuinely have no idea how far or close we are to one but!!! i am always waiting!!!

noel - push (ep) this is something i absolutely did not expect. noel (of tiny meat gang!) released his first ep ever and i was absolutely wowed. noel has it all, the voice, the talent, the creativity and all it took him was the confidence to finally put something out and i’m so happy he did. he gets real personal on bus back, more than ever before and i always get a bit emo listening to this track </3 this man is gonna go places and i’m so happy to witness his journey.

album favs: crow, head sunk, bus back

honorary mentions: sam smith - diamonds

november

taemin - never gonna dance again act 2 (album) i’m gonna say it. idea is better than criminal. the chorus drop???? when he goes MY AH AH MY AH AH MY AH MY IDEA MY MY IDEAAAAAA A-A-A A-A-A???? bitch … tell me you can sit still, i won’t believe you. i like part 2’s title track more, but part 1’s b sides are more interesting to me. either way, taemin delivered as expected!!

album favs: idea, impressionable, exclusive

nct - nct 2020 resonance pt. 2 (album) part two, baby! we made it! part 2 had more mellow, ballad-y songs with my everything, i.o.u. and all about you, overall less drama than part 1 but i still enjoyed it. work it is one of those controversial songs where you despise it with your entire being or you defend this top tier noise till the end and i am absolutely the latter. the agony of not being able to listen to it and seeing the timeline so divided nearly killed me, but i have concluded that people who hate work it have never felt joy in their life <3 honestly my opinion cannot be counted because i eat up anything johnny participates in … biased ass… what i’m not gonna talk about is resonance (the song), this absolute mess of a “remix”. the audacity sm had to release this as a single is insane. anyway!! this era was a rollercoaster ride. all the interactions truly made me interested in members of other units more. hendery (the rise and fall …), yangyang my beautiful son, jeno aka blue hair guy, chenle the chaos kid and xiaojun after he made make a wish his bitch in particular! all the interactions between the units were so fun to witness and it was fun while it lasted but i am … so glad it’s over lol. i miss nct 127, i miss some peace, i hope the boys get to rest for a bit and so does my bank account.

album favs: work it, 90s love, i.o.u., raise the roof

miley cyrus - plastic hearts (album) not in a thousand years would i have expected a miley release to be on here. this girl does everything to be absolutely unlikeable in my eyes but after severely banging out to her heart of glass cover, i was really excited for this and it did not disappoint. what is disappointing is that it took her so long to find a sound that fits her like a glove. i believe many people miss out on this release after her previous history and i nearly would have done the same. this alt/rock influenced pop does her voice so many favors and i really hope she sticks to this direction, i love this album greatly!!

album favs: heart of glass, midnight sky, night crawling ft. billy joel, wtf do i know

kai - kai (mini album) just. imagine debuting with an album like that. lol. what a god tier big dick move. we all knew whatever this release was gonna be, above all it was going to be sexy and boy were we RIGHT!!!! mmmh is exactly as thotty as i needed it to be and the b sides give me everything from r’n’b to trap. i love this release and i love that it’s only the beginning of kai! like!! he is only gonna gain even more experience and become even more powerful!! what the fuck!!!!!

album favs: mmmh, ride or die, hello stranger, nothing on me

honorary mentions. gfriend - mago

december

nothing? wtf?? 😭 no interesting release happened,,,,half the time i listened to christmas songs anyway lol

pre 2020 releases i only found this year

mgmt - little dark age (album, 2018) & oracular spectactular (album, 2007) another tiktok serve. i found little dark age through a tiktok trend and ended up really liking mgmt. they fit perfectly into my autumn/winter moody alt/rock mood that i had going on and i’m happy they have so much more music that i can check out!

artist favs: little dark age, electric feel, time to pretend

tame impala - currents (album, 2015) everyone’s favorite basic alt bitch album! i enjoyed this more than the slow rush for a good chunk of time, it also fit right into my alt rock autumn mood. i really love this album, like previously mentioned it has my favorite long ass tracks on there but also a good amount of short or medium long tracks. i’m still busy enjoying currents and the slow rush but i can’t wait till i finally take the leap to dive into their other releases because i’m loving everything i’ve heard so far.

album favs: the less i know the better, let it happen, new person same old mistakes

joji - ballads 1 (2018) after liking nectar so much, checking joji out was a given and i just love this album. only when i listened to this i realized i heard slowly dancing in the dark a few times on tiktok lmao that cursed app man … i would say i love nectar a bit more but this is still a fantastic album!!

album favs: slowly dancing in the dark, attention, test drive, yeah right

jus2 - focus (mini album, 2019) in my “mellow moody bangers” phase i was scouring playlists for more songs and i think i found focus on me first which fitted right into the niche i was looking to fill and i ended up enjoy this whole release! only later i realized this is a sub-unit from got7 lmao how come i enjoy solo or unit releases by got7 members but their group discography never interested me? anyway, very sexy ep!

album favs: drunk on you, focus on me, love talk

knk - sunset (song, 2019) part of my mellow bangers playlist. very sexy, i can imagine this as a runway song! i have no idea who knk are but given the fact i enjoyed two of their songs so far maybe i should look into them lol

baekhyun - city lights (mini album, 2019) i am repenting for my sins of missing out on baekhyun releases by consuming his music at an exorbitant rate. un village is one hell of a title track that i didn’t appreciate before, but i feel like in 2020 my music interests started to vary and i love the groovy r’n’b and string sound of this song so much. i also love stay up to death, the vocals baekhyun serves here are unreal. his BABY WE CAN STAY UP!!!!!!! gets me every single time!!!! what a mini!

album favs: un village, stay up

mac miller - swimming (album, 2018) i’ve listened to this album before 2020 but i had the urge to put this on here. this is going to sound so corny, but if i had to pick one song to be my life’s title track, it would be ladders. the hope this song gives me is unreal, it feels like a light at the end of the tunnel. this album is so fantastic, i love the upbeat instrumentals paired with sometimes gloomy lyrics are so incredible, mac was truly one of the greatest artists of our time. this album is so outstanding and i miss him every day.

album favs: ladders, jet fuel, 2009, self care, perfecto

doja cat - hot pink (album, 2019) i can never decide if i like doja or not but the album slaps lol that’s it come on tiktok queen

album favs: say so, juicy, like that, streets

my fav 2020 playlists

slapping mellow

neo culture technology

malcolm

why go to therapy when this playlist exists?

top songs 2020

(by spotify)

#again a heads up: this was written in december 2020 and there are a few names mentioned here that....i want nothing to do with anymore lol #like h*ndery of gfr*end #but i'm not gonna delete them because at the time i enjoyed their releases and no one knew they were ignorant asswipes <3 #also not me thinking i'm gonna get vaccinated this summer LMFAOOOOOOO #i can consider myself lucky if i even get them this year #german government my detested <3 #about me

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