#please never feel obligated to like send me comfort if I say upsetting things

[ohno-the-sun]

I hope something happens that makes you feel happy soon, you're a good, kind person and a skilled artist!

The brain can be mean sometimes and make good times feel bad and self-doubtful. I often get it too and so do many others. I don't know if it helps but you aren't alone.

Please know that it's okay to not be the most extroverted person in the world, and that what you do and make has helped many people find happiness, community, and feel less alone themselves.

I hope you have a good week :)

Thank you so so much mysterious anon

And I am truly sorry about dumping dumb emotional stuff here, but thank you for your kind words they do help me feel a lot better

[highly-misfortunate-softie]

Feelings of today

I woke up depressed and hazy today, and that just devolved into major depression.

My dreams last night began with my abusive ex boyfriend from 9 years ago breaking into my house at night, not doing anything, really, but I suppose he was just showing me that he still could and would.

The other dream I sort of remember was being in my parents house with my most recent ex, and having a much healthier conversation with him about the breakup than I did in actuality. I was with him, but I scratched the message into a boat of some sort (that resembled one we rode in Las Vegas) and the message was essentially that I didn’t really feel a spark with him, either, and so that isn’t what hurt me, but rather that I think a relationship is a heavy commitment where you really take someone’s safety and well-being into your hands, and you accept the obligation to really try hard and long to make it work, which is why I stayed with him, and that I think he at least could have been honest with me about having made the mistake of asking me to be his girlfriend instead of blindsiding me after making me feel safe when I wasn’t.

I wish I could have this conversation with him. But I really think he would still just sit there and try to placate me anyway, which would only hurt me more. Truth is all I want.

I wrote an apology text to him from saying cruel things to him (though I don’t even think they were cruel, they were my real feelings… and here is where I wonder whether I am autistic or something: I understand what kinds of things offend people, but I don’t actually understand why or agree that it’s valid if it’s the real truth. What could be more important than that? But I wonder if I can actually handle the truth. I think I can.)

I hated sending the apology because I’m not sorry and I meant everything I said. I was just trying to force myself to act like an atypical person, even though I really believe I don’t need to apologize for him being too weak to listen to the thoughts of someone criticizing him, who isn’t saying things just to upset him, but rather to have a real conversation now that he, himself, showed me that respect and the game of pretending to protect the other’s feelings is no longer a factor between us. It makes me want to throw up even thinking about apologizing for such a thing, but whatever, maybe another time I will have more answers about why that might have been a good idea. He didn’t answer anyway. I wish he would come over so I could cry and tell him how I feel and he could see that he genuinely hurt me.. and I could receive comfort from him. I think that would provide some closure for me. I don’t really know how to show people my emotions, especially sadness or anger, but I definitely long to.

Then, because I was desiring comfort, I started thinking about how I have nobody to provide that for me. And I thought about Carl, and how I feel like he isn’t a real friend and never really has been. He doesn’t treat me like his other friends, and he refuses to go out of his house with me even though he does with other people. And.. when I go over, it feels like he only hangs out with me out of obligation before pressuring me pretty heavily to be sexual with him. A means to an end. I never want to have sex with him, but I have never gone over and not had sex with him, and it is never him trying to please me… it is always just him making me please him. I don’t even like to ride or suck dick but he makes me do it every single time. I just wanted somewhere safe and mellow to go and that’s what I was paying to delude myself that that was the place I could find it. Plus last time I was there, and he was drunk, he kept saying kind of aggressively that I should just tell him we are going to have sex and how long I will be there for, and get right to it. I didn’t even really understand it because he is usually polite, but it hurt my feelings. I decided I probably shouldn’t ever see Carl again.

I texted him about my feelings about it in a pretty nice way, but his response seemed like he put basically no effort into it… It was the kind of response I give if I can’t muster up any genuine care and just want to appease the situation quickly, and end the conversation.

When I got it, I just cried, and wished so badly that people would just be honest with me because it’s so cruel to keep me stuck caring about someone with the string of hope they might care, too, and being hurt constantly because they show me the opposite. I always want to work toward a better relationship with those people, and it pains me to have all of these conflicting feelings about it. If he just wanted me for sex, he should just tell me so I could show up if I felt like it, and just leave, without getting more invested or introducing those very dangerous feelings of care and attachment. Same with my most recent ex. If he had just told me his doubts along, I could have protected myself. These people think they’re being nice, but they’re putting my life at risk just to protect themselves from believing they did anything wrong under the guise of having “only been nice.”

It’s fucking cruel. Don’t enter my life in the first place. You’re dangerous and I don’t deserve to die.

[bitchfitch]

I'm once again making myself sad about that pirate thing yehaw

<3

Toi'uhla and zer newly found sibling return to Cu'Liona to confirm if Jikal is truly who ze looks to be. Lorinuses always remember their chicks chirps no matter the time, and they retain the ability to make their own well into adult hood. so Asu'uhla would be able to recognize zer if ze was one of the stolen chicks.

Toi'uhla wants to go too, since they might be family despite everything that's happened between zer and Asu'uhla. Which means Lordakai goes because he doesn't trust Asu'uhla to not pull some shit, and so does Eri because they get really upset and stop eating if their father and dam are both away for too long.

They arrive and Lordakai sends a greeting party to demand a conference with Asu'uhla. Says he and Toi'uhla must speak to zer about an urgent family matter.

Jikal is nervous, they don't know if they want the suspicions to be true or not.

Eventually the three of them go down to greet Asu'uhla just beyond the port, Guards readying and keeping an area private and somewhat free of onlookers.

They have a few of the pirates with them and Jikal is wrapped up to keep their feathers hidden until they feel ready to greet Asu'uhla. Surrounded by lorinuses they really are distinct. Of the hundreds ze can see, only ze and Toi'uhla have pink feathers in their crests.

The start of the conversation doesn't go well, Lordakai rages and tells zer ze should be greatful he hasn't killed zer. Ze destroyed his clutch. Toi'uhla gets him to calm down a bit and greets Asu'uhla coldly. Barely any less agrivated and angry than Lordakai. But ze knows Eri is safe, and so long as ze focuses on that ze can stand to look at zer dam without wanting to wretch.

Asu'uhla eventually snaps and asks why they're even here.

Toi'uhla introduces Jikal, and tells Asu'uhla they found zer while sailing.

And Jikal comes forward, and Asu'uhla can't believe zer eyes. Jikal tells zer when ze and zer siblings were taken, but ze doesn't know which flock ze belongs too or who zer parents were. Ze jokes that it's silly... but would Asu'uhla be willing to hear zer? just in case appearances are the truth?

Asu'uhla encourages it. And Jikal feels stupid chirping like a chick, but Asu'uhla needs to be cought, zer knees going weak as ze begins sobbing. and clinging to zer long lost chick and returning the call. Jikal is just as emotional, and holds zer through it. Ze's found zer family.

After a moment Asu'uhla reaches out to Toi'uhla and asks ze join the hug. Ze knows Toi'uhla will never forgive zer, but ze needs zer chicks together in zer arms at least once.

Toi'uhla has to bite back a response about how ze too would love to hold zer lost chicks. but ze obliges for a moment to let them both pretend this wasn't a mess.

Lordakai says what Toi'uhla was thinking when they part, and asks if Asu'uhla is going to pull some miracle out of zer ass and reveal his cubs weren't destroyed while they were still in the egg. He would quite like a tearful reunion with his young too you see.

Lordakai acknowledging it had Toi'uhla tearing up, and turning away from zer kin to go to him for the comfort ze needed in that moment. Lordakai hugged zer and cracked that little bit himself. He never let himself publicly mourn what was taken from him, but it was hard to hold back all of that grief masquerading as rage sometimes.

"We should go." Toi'uhla says before ze can embarrass zerself too publicly

"No! Please, stay a few days at least," Asu'uhla had never once believed Toi'uhla wanted those eggs. but zer almost breaking down over them these years later... Lordakai, the monster himself having to turn away to hide that he's on the verge of tears thinking about that clutch...

"We will not." Toi'uhla said firmly.

"A celebration is in order, I want you there Toi'uhla... He may attend too. I... It pains me to say this, But i will not stand between you two while the celebrations are under way, if you stay. Please,"

"No." Lordakai said, "I have no interest letting you use me and my love for zer as a Bargaining chip, We will be leaving. We have far more important matters than you to attend."

"Is this because of your chicks? From the second clutch I mean. They are welcome too. More than. I... I am greatful to have my chicks together again, but i would do anything to meet my grand chicks."

"They Arnt Yours." Lordakai snaps, "You have no right or claim to them after you slaughtered their elders. And Fuck, How Dare you think either of us Stupid enough to let you near them. Say your pretty words Beg and Cry, I don't fucking care. I'm not letting another of my cubs fall to you."

Toi'uhla doesn't speak up, Lordakai voiced zer own anger better than ze could even as ze shook with them. Ze starts crying, fully against Lordakai's chest. and he was his raging in an instant to comfort zer, apologizes for yelling and holds zer close, Putting himself between his mate and zer dam. His love for zer unmistakable to any willing to see it, and zer's for him too.

Jikal speaks up. "A compromise then? You two stay on the ship, and come to shore for the celebrations and then return to your ship. No staying anywhere you don't feel safe... No bringing you know who to shore if you aren't positive you are ready for them to meet."

"It can be arranged," Asu'uhla hates the idea of leaving zer chick with the monster that stole her away. Was Toi'uhla not even allowed a few nights of respite from him?

Lordakai visibly bristles. Toi'uhla is struggling against sobs.

"It would mean a lot to me, Toi'uhla," Jikal says quietly. It was a lie. Ze wanted more time with zer sibling and ze wanted more time with their dam. Ze didn't want Toi'uhla to be miserable to achieve it, or to stir up this vat of bad blood they clearly had going.

"Fine." Toi'uhla spits. "but," ze looks to see dam, "If you speak a single word against my husband, or our family I'm gone. I won't come back."

Asu'uhla agrees.

---

They argue about Eri's name, Asu'uhla demanding to know why Toi'uhla would break tradition just to saddle Eri with a name that carried so much ugliness. Only for Toi'uhla to snap that there's nothing ugly about zer husband's and child's name

---

On a stormy night Asu'uhla tells Jikal and Toi'uhla about their sire. Jikal tells them everything ze can remember about the other two stolen chicks. And eventually Toi'uhla talks about Eri... And Yandoli and her siblings too.

---

It's the last day. Jikal will be staying with Asu'uhla for the time being. Learning the ways of lorinus life and recovering from zer past.

But Asu'uhla asks one last time to be allowed to see Eri.

Lordakai relents under the condition that he be holding Eri, and they be on the ship when the meeting happens.

Asu'uhla agrees and a time is set for zer to board and meet zer grandchild.

Eri is in Lordakai's lap, happily playing with him when Asu'uhla arrives.

They talk about Eri and Asu'uhla is enchanted by them. their babyness being even cuter because of their relatively massive size.

Asu'uhla asks if they were the only one. And Toi'uhla tells zer something ze has been keeping to zerself since Eri hatched.

Only Eri's egg hatched. They were the runt... Zer first clutch had all been tiny compared to the second Smaller than Eri's egg even. The chances they would have hatched had Asu'uhla not Destroyed them was high.

Lordakai needs to excuse himself. he doesn't like Eri seeing him angry. Eri toddles after him anyways until Toi'uhla corrals them back to where they had been sitting.

Asu'uhla asks ze be allowed to hug Eri. and Toi'uhla relents.

They embrace and the magnitude of what Asu'uhla did finally hits zer.

"I though he raped you, that those eggs were curses."

"He didn't. He's Never laid an unkind hand on me, not since the first day we met." Toi'uhla has to swallow back old hurt, "I wouldn't have sat a nest I didn't want. and I wouldn't have hidden my second so thoroughly if I didn't fear to lose them as well. Lordakai didn't even know Lorinus eggs needed warmth. It would have been easy to say they failed on their own. But I wanted them. Lordakai wanted them.

the flood gates were open "He's been nothing but a good partner and loving father. and it didn't matter how many times I told you I loved him, that i was glad to have my nests by him and had forgiven him for the mess that was that first early part of our relationship. And you didn't listen to a Word of it. You decided I didn't love my mate. That I gave him clutches I didn't want, and spent time with him only to soothe his ego. And you killed my chicks because of it. "

"I- Sorry isn't enough,"

"It's not. It won't give Eri their siblings back. It won't let me hold my firsts. or fix what you decided to break."

"But?"

"But nothing. I owe you no forgiveness." Toi'uhla said harshly. "What did Lordakai say? 'Beg and cry I don't care'? You will always be my dam, but I can't look at you without seeing my destroyed nest. Tell Eri Goodbye. You won't see zer again unless I'm dead."

"Will I see you?"

"Not If I have any say," Toi'uhla says firmly, "I was here for Jikal not to fix what you broke."

"Write me, please. Even if it's just to tell me your hate. It kills me to not know if you are dead or alive." Ze let's go of Eri, "I'm sorry, I- Good bye, My chick."

Asu'uhla leaves, and Toi'uhla holds Eri tight. The crew who eavesdroped still giving zer space until Lordakai returned and took them both back to his cabin.

Asu'uhla gets a letter a few years later. Written in messy childish handwriting.

'My name is Erifolda Lordakai the 3rd. But daddy calls me Birdy, I like being called that. My dam says you are zer dam. And that you love us. Ze says we won't meet, but I can write you if I want.'

[thebeautyoffanfics]

Hey!! If ur comfortable with this could u maybe do cherry blossom and joe for sk8 with a s/o that has adhd and is often forgetful

kaoru sakurayashiki x gn!reader, kojiro nanjo x gn!reader

a/n: sure thing!! I don’t think I’ve written for either of them yet, so I do hope it turns out alright-! Thank you so much for requesting!!

The way just listening to the Sk8 into and outro gets me prepared to write for it aaaaaah, it’s so good,,,, those are 2 songs that never fail to make me happy;;;

Benekejdjd I also just realized I call Cherry by his real name, yet call Joe his S name,,,, oh well KSNEKDNDJ sorry for my inconsistency 😭✌���

warnings: none <3

word count: 916

Cherry Blossom/Kaoru Sakurayashiki <3

Honestly? Kaoru is wonderful to be in a relationship with when struggling with forgetfulness.

He’s naturally pretty good at remembering things, but he’s also an avid fan of AI- so, you have both Kaoru and Carla to remind you! Just tell him something important, or something small you feel like you should remember, and he’ll be telling Carla to remember it as well. Human minds are flawed, but Carla surely won’t forget!!

Now, if you forget before telling him/thinking to tell him, he’ll be as calm and understanding as ever.

He isn’t exactly sure how to jog your memory sometimes, but he will do the whole “retrace your steps” thing. Tells you to go back to the other room and enter this one again- try to figure out what you were thinking about beforehand. Maybe being back in the other room will help…?

Or, if it’s during a conversation, and you forget what you were about to say- just tell him you forgot, and he’s calmly listing off things about the conversation. Keywords, almost? Facts about a story one of you just told, words that stick out, etc.

As frustrating as forgetting can be, Kaoru has patience to make up for it. He doesn’t mind doing his best to help you, you’re his s/o after all. If he’s patient and loving (in his own way) towards the kids’ antics, he’s going to be just the same towards you.

If you express your frustration, he isn’t quite sure what exactly to do. He can handle practical things- reminding you, helping you with tasks, but emotions are a bit different.

Despite that, he will try to help. Not out of obligation, but because he genuinely cares, and genuinely wants you to know it’s all right.

“Ah… there, there, (Y/N). It’s completely understandable to be upset, but it’s alright to be forgetful. That’s what I’m for, isn’t it? Why else would you have a boyfriend such as myself, with an assistant such as Carla? If it’s something you can’t remember, it will either come back to you because it’s something you should remember- and, if it doesn’t, I’m sure it wasn’t too important in the first place.”

Doesn’t exactly know how to deal with crying either, so if you do get frustrated to a point of tears, he’ll kind of… pinch your face? Not harshly, but enough to get you to focus on him instead. Once he has your attention, he’ll give his little spiel.

Of course, he isn’t heartless- he’ll comfort you however you need him to. Hugs, kisses, etc <3

“(Y/N), wouldn’t a kiss be more likely to distract you from what you want to remember?”

“It’ll distract me ‘cos I’m upset that I can’t remember..”

“Don’t pout- I’m not denying your request, just questioning your methods a bit.”

Joe/Kojiro Nanjo <3

Joe may not be as effective as Kaoru, but he does try as hard-!!

He may be charismatic and confident, but he’s still a loving boyfriend. He wants to help you in any way he can, and if memory is the way he should help, then he’s on it!!

He has to have decent memory, he works at a restaurant after all? He’s bound to be able to remember orders and recipes, so things that you need him to remember isn’t normally a problem!

Just to be safe, he keeps sticky notes around! On counters, he even has a few set in the kitchen- just in case you walk in, telling him to please remind you of a certain date or something you need to do! He’s pausing whatever he’s doing, if it can be paused, and writing it down, giving you a sweet “got it, baby!”

When he’s not able to see you in person, he doesn’t mind you sending him texts! He’ll write it down just the same, set a reminder in his phone- or, if it’s important enough, or he’s worried he’ll actually forget as well, he’ll (ask?) tell Kaoru to set a reminder on his little machine assistant.

(“She has a name, you idiot gorilla. I’ll do it for (Y/N)’s sake, of course, because they actually remember Carla.”

“Ah, I remember. I just don’t care-“

“You’re on thin freaking ice.”)

If you walk up to him, opening your mouth to say something, then shutting it- your eyebrows furrowing to try and get yourself to remember- he’ll also be very patient. (He’ll also find your expression strangely cute, as if everything about you isn’t.)

“What were you doing before you came in here? Watching anything, searching for something?”

He’s not as great at jogging your memory as Kaoru is, but he certainly won’t give up. Heck, he’ll walk around the entire house with you, or go to the room you were just in. Pointing at things, trying to list anything that may be a keyword- any way he can try and help!!

Now, if you get frustrated because of your forgetfulness, he can handle it a bit better than Kaoru.

If you start to cry, or even if you just need a hug, he’s hugging you, patting your head carefully. Buff gorilla though he is, he’s a loving buff gorilla who definitely gives good hugs (and kisses)!

“Don’t cry, (Y/N), it’s alright. I know you’re frustrated, but I’m sure it’ll come to you eventually. You don’t need to be upset with yourself just because you forgot. It’s not like you chose to forget, so don’t get too worked up… it’ll all be okay, I promise <3.”

[dangerous-mess]

Holiday Troubles

Characters: Aizawa, trans male reader

Contains: Unsupportive family, transphobia, homophobia, misgendering, mentions of a deadname (D/N), mentions of religion and praying, mentions of dysphoria, angst, hurt/comfort, angst with fluff ending. This was written mainly as a comfort fic during the winter holidays but wanted to post this here (originally posted on AO3). Please read with caution as this content may be triggering for some

Word Count: 2K+ 

The holidays were always rough for you, being not only gay but transgender as well. There were the off-putting tension and feelings every time you walked in the room, and the side glances and judgemental glares that were shot your way if you were even caught wearing something feminine and not masculine. Mostly from your parents and family, feeling the obligation that you had to follow gender norms in the hope to not only pass but to be taken seriously in your own identity.

The holidays got a little easier once you married your now husband. He made visiting your family a bit easier and made the holidays in general, more enjoyable for you. This year, unfortunately, he had meetings and a nightly patrol that he couldn’t get out of, so you were left to go to the Christmas family gathering by yourself.

The day came, and needless to say, you were a nervous mess. You dressed up in a suit, something masculine of course to appease your family and keep those comments at bay. Though, you knew you weren’t in the clear as there was still a high chance of being deadnamed and misgendered by family who were unsupportive or others who just didn’t try. Your husband, Shouta, let you know before he left early that morning that if you needed anything at all to give him or Hizashi a call and they would come and get you in a heartbeat. He said Hizashi, just in case he couldn’t be reached, which was fine with you, Hizashi had become a close friend to you.

You arrived at your parent's house a little later than they asked, just cause you were nervous and needed more time to prepare for this evening. You knocked on the front door, adjusting your suit as you waited for someone to open the door, only to be greeted by one of your younger siblings. They gave you a big hug, before dragging you inside where you were greeted by family. Your grandmother was the first to deadname you. She called out as you talked to your uncle, a devious smile on her face as the name rolled off her tongue. You cringed hearing it and so badly wanted to correct her, but if your mother caught wind that you did, who knows what drama may pursue. You endured the conversation with her, as she made sure to drop in your deadname every chance she could get.

“Honestly D/N, you really should stop playing dress up and realize that you are a girl. Your husband would be so much happier to have a wife who knows her place and not some confused girl.”

You took a deep breath and bid your goodbyes to your grandmother as you went to find someone else to talk to. Eventually, dinner was called, and you all gathered around and your grandfather said a prayer. You looked down at your feet the entire time, not really wanting to participate in the prayer. Soon it wrapped up and a line formed into the kitchen to get food. After everyone got food, everyone gathered around and talked, telling stories of things that happened within the past year in their lives, as well as asking questions to others to get the latest scoop. You just decided to eat silently, trying to not participate in the gossip fest happening before you.

“So Y/N, how are you and your husband doing?” Your dad asked before he took a sip of a beer. You held up your pointer finger, signaling that you needed a moment as your finished chewing food before you smiled and spoke.

“Oh, we are doing well! He sends his deepest apologies that he couldn’t make it, hero duties called.” You smiled, taking a quick glance around the room. Some whispers were exchanged, knowing it was about you and Shouta. It was clear that besides your family not supporting your identity, they also did not support your marriage to a hero. Especially a hero who was supportive of you and your identity.

“Honestly, how she manages to keep such a hero man, is insane. Like who would wanna marry some confused lesbian?” One of your aunts spoke out. You gripped your glass tightly, biting your tongue, not wanting to start any issues.

Other family members chimed in to add on to your aunt's comment and soon it became too much. You quickly excused yourself and went to the bathroom farthest away from your family. You pulled out your phone and texted your husband. You told him that you needed him or Hizashi or someone to come to pick you up, as you originally walked, as it was nice earlier prior to the sun setting. You quickly got a reply, saying your husband was on his way, and that he was getting someone to cover the rest of his patrol. You felt a bit bad to interrupt and have him leave his patrol, but god you just needed him right now more than anything.

You hid amongst the rooms as you waited for Shouta to send you a message or signal that he was here. Your mom called out your name, walking down the hall looking for you. The smile on her face dropped as she saw you and grabbed your arm.

“Come on Y/N, we are about to exchange gifts. Stop trying to hide and be nice and spend time with your family. It took a lot of work and effort to get everyone here, like your grandparents who haven’t seen you in ages.” Your mom aggressively whispered at you, as she pulled you towards the living room. You stayed silently, hoping that your husband would be here soon.

Your mom let you go and pointed to a chair near the tree. You sat down and were handed some gifts. You slowly opened them, trying not to draw attention to yourself. The first gift was in a gift bag, and opening it exposed a colorful piece of clothing. You pulled it out and it was a sundress. Although you didn’t mind breaking gender norms, dresses were never your thing, they held too many bad memories and made you dysphoric. You frowned, not having the energy to fake a smile. You felt your mind start to spiral before a voice pulled you out.

“Oh, D/N do you not like it. I made sure to even get the right size and everything. I thought you could put that on and surprise your husband when you go home. Imagine how he would react to see his wife, finally coming to terms with herself.” Your grandmother called out, staring at you the entire time. You went to open your mouth when another voice spoke up.

“Actually, I think my husband looks handsome and perfect just the way he is in the suit he is wearing, but thank you. Maybe we can save the dress and give it to one of my students, I know one of them would get much better use of it.” Shouta’s voice boomed out, making a hush fall across the room. You never heard the front door open, but then again Shouta was very good at staying silent. You looked at your husband, feeling all your emotions and feelings starting to rise to the surface. You caught a dirty look your mother gave you as you stood up and made your way over to Shouta.

He held out his hand as you got closer and held it tightly, quickly bidding goodbye for you both as he quickly led you outside to the car that was waiting outside and still running. “I had Hizashi drive me over, hope that’s okay.” You just nodded at him, not letting go of his hand until you got into the car. As soon as you and Shouta were in the car, Hizashi sped off.

“Heya listener, how did it go?” Hizashi asked out, peeking into the mirror looking back at you.

“I lasted longer than last year, so that’s a new record at least.” You joked, trying not to cry. At least not now, you had to make it until you were home and in bed, with your husband holding you close.

Hizashi talked most of the ride home, while Shouta kept glancing back at you. You tried to listen to what was being said, but you couldn’t focus, so you just looked out the window, slightly dozing off. You woke up to the feeling of being carried, your eyes adjusted as you saw Shouta was carrying you into the house and to the bedroom. On any other occasion, if he was carrying you like this you were bound to tease or crack a joke or something, but in this moment you just stayed in his arms, gripping onto him tightly. Once you both got to the bedroom, he helped you undress and slip on something comfy. After he finished helping you, he quickly changed and climbed into bed, pulling you close to him and holding you tightly.

For a while, you just laid there in his arms, fighting back the urge to scream and cry. Though, after he comforted you and let you know it was okay to be upset and that you could let it all out. In which you did, you sobbed in his chest for what felt like hours. You screamed and sobbed and let out all the feelings you bottled up for the few hours you were at the family gathering. Eventually, you ran out of tears to cry and were only left with your own thoughts. You were overthinking, mostly dwelling on the words your family spoke out to you this evening, and couldn’t help but question if it was true.

“Sho...I’ve got to ask you something, kind of important.” You gently pushed away and sat up in the bed, looking at him. He stared at you, and nodded, letting you know it was okay to continue on. You took a deep breath and went for it, “Am I enough for you? I brought a lot of baggage and trouble into our relationship and I know it can’t be easy for you dating me, specifically with the backlash and comments that get made by my family and others about me transitioning and just. If you were with anyone else, I feel like you won’t get all this drama and I’m sorry I’ve brought so much of it onto you Shouta.”

You watched as his facial expression changed and you quickly looked away, finding interest in anything that wasn’t his face, afraid of what his reaction not only meant but the words that were about to follow. “Y/N, please look at me.” You slowly looked up and he placed a hand on your cheek. “I love you Y/N. I love you for you, you are my husband and I won’t want anyone else besides me. You are more than enough for me. And we both have a lot of baggage but that doesn’t change my feelings for you, we can work through it all together. I meant what I said in my vows and at our wedding and I still stand by it. Forever and always.”

You fiddled with your fingers before speaking up, “I love you Shouta so much, I’m just afraid one day I won’t be enough, cause as silly as it is, I don’t feel masculine or manly enough, that you’ll find more of a ‘real’ man one day and just leave me behind.” Tears filled your eyes and you looked down, just wanting to hide under the blankets.

“Y/N Aizawa, you are absolutely masculine and manly enough. I will never find anyone else or more a man than you. You are all I want, and all I need. I love you so much, don’t ever doubt my love for you, cause it is never-ending sweetheart.” Shouta spoke out, lifting your head up and placing a small kiss on your forehead before pulling you into his arms, holding you close. You just stayed there close, as Shouta whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you drifted off to sleep.

Shouta always made the holidays more bearable, but he also made life in general easier. He made waking up a little easier and helped with your hectic thoughts to calm you down. He truly was the love of your life and the best you could ever ask for. You couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have a husband as sweet and perfect as you. He may not be the number one hero to the rest of the world, but in your eyes and his heart, he was, he was your number one hero.

[bokunosimpfiction]

Kidnapped Yandere!Heisenberg x Reader Pt.5

Summary: You feel emotions other than rage and sarcasm oh my god 

A/N: The reason I took a break from this series was because I had no idea where to take it from that cliff hanger, and I felt that character development needed to be done before we dive head first into the plot. This is part of that, but keep in mind it’s not filler like Chapter 2 became. I think it’s funny that this was SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING ONE SHOT BUT APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT. I’ll be posting another chapter for this series soon. Also feel free to send me asks about this series. I’ve been getting comments on my ao3 that are a) genius b)hilarious and c)heartwarming. Talk to me. Please! Ask and anon should be open right now let me know if they aren’t!

Masterlist link for previous parts:

Link to this chapter on AO3:

Taglist: @localdepressedvampire​ and one person recieving updates via email

The fresh cold late-autumn air made your lungs sting. And the layers of clothes didn’t help fight the chill you didn’t know you were facing. Has it been that long since you’ve been outside, to see the sun? You stick your arms in your armpits under your outercoat. Well, Heisenberg’s spare trench coat. It was much too big, the cuffs of the sleeves going well past your fingertips and the bottom half an inch from the ground.

You were so used to the fluorescent lighting and the warm dry air of the factory, that your body went into some type of culture shock. It felt like an allergic reaction to the outside world itself. Adjusting to it once you escaped would be hard.

“You’ve clearly become less fit since you started living with me,” Karl says in a matter-of-fact tone. You’d be insulted if you didn’t hear him say weird stuff about the other lords or the occasional brain-washed villager who brought up offerings. One had sewed you a wool and fox-fur dress and brought it up in September, in preparation for the winter. He’d thought it dumb at the time, but it protected you from the November chill better than anything you’ve ever worn.

Did they think you were a woman? Whether they were right or wrong, it didn’t change the fact that it was comfortable, warm, and made you feel better than the clothes you’d been wearing before in the factory or even before. You felt safe.

“Of course, I have, I’ve been sitting on my ass,” you retort.

“Still see that sass is intact.”

“It’s something that’ll never leave me.”

“You’d make a terrible house-spouse.”

“That’s the point,” you sigh hard, and you can see the cold air in front of your face, “I had a whole ass college degree before I came here and got my ass kidnapped.”

Karl whips around and looks at you, tilting his head down to peer at you from above his glasses. “You have a college degree?”

“Why are you surprised? Did you think I was that stupid?” Even if the question is sarcastic and witty, you felt a pang of hurt reverberate in your heart. Did he really think you were that stupid? Apparently so.

“I have two masters. One in aerospace engineering and one in mechanical engineering. Double majored in those fields for my bachelors at Oxford on a full-ride scholarship of robotic engineering.”

His mouth drops open. “And I didn’t know about this because?”

“It never came up.”

He pinches his nose, “you could have been helping me this whole time in the shop, and I let you sit on your ass and play care-taker.”

“More like forced me.” At this point, you’ve stopped walking, and you’d be able to see the manor of Benviento if it weren’t for the fog.

“Besides the point.” He looks stressed. His eyebrows are furrowed, a deep frown is on his face and his whole disposition makes him look genuinely conflicted and upset. “Let’s just go.” He gestures for you to follow him and stomps up the path.

You follow him, trying not to slip in the mud. Converse doesn’t have great traction, you realized. Maybe you should have worn hiking boots. “Listen, dirty Dr. Doofenschmirtz-“

“I don’t want to listen to your dumb nick-names right now.”

You stop again, and your fists ball up at your side around the fabric of the sleeves of his coat. Your coat. The coat you’re wearing.

“Why the hell are you so mad at me!” It’s not a question. It’s an exclamation of emotion. For some reason, it hurts. Even if you despised him, hated him with all your being, having someone love you unconditionally felt nice. He was toxic at best, sociopathic at worst, and yet he loved you so strongly it tore the both of you so part. To feel that admiration has gone missing, even if for a second, sent you reeling. You can’t explain why you softened towards him.

“I’m not.” He keeps walking before he realized you stopped. He turned around to look at you. “I’m not mad at you. I’m just…” He looks for the words. He’d never been good at expressing himself, you realized. Better through actions than words. But you didn’t want him to act on whatever he was feeling.

You wait in silence, eye-watering, trying not to cry.

He sees and rushes over to you. His left arm wraps around you and his right hand gently grabs your chin, his index finger underneath to lift your chin up to look at him. “Don’t cry, you know I hate it when you cry.”

You struggle to take a deep breath, choke on it, and the world feels so much more dangerous. A million malicious eyes gazing into your soul, whispers of panic fill your brain, and flashing thoughts of running right now, of hurting him or you flash through like lightning in a foggy storm. Every damn thing feels hazy and thick and you’re choking on the lump in your throat. “I don’t want to. I don’t want you to be mad at me, I don’t want-“

“Take a deep goddamn breath.” You feel his tobacco-scented breath on your face. You can see panic flash through his eyes for a moment. You hate the smell, and it suffocates you even more. “You need to breath.”

You swallow around the lump in your throat, and your breath shakes like a wasp nest about to fall from the highest branch. “Why are you mad at me?” This time you genuinely ask. You don’t want a reason, but rather a reassurance that he isn’t at all.

His lips form into a snarl that doesn’t come out before he presses them in a tight line. As he thinks. It makes you even more nervous. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the fact that I had an opportunity that went to waste.”

You look up at him. “Okay.”

He wraps his other arm around you and places his chin on your forehead. “Let me know when you’ve calmed down.”

You rest your forehead on his shoulder and breathe.

In. Out.

In.          Out.

In. OUT.

In… out

In.

Out.

 In.

 … out.

“Do you feel any better?”

You wait a moment. “Yeah, I think so.” You ponder for a moment. “I think I had a lot of pent-up anxiety from everything.”

He stays quiet. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

He places a kiss on the crown of your head, his beard ruffling your hair. “Are you not going to forgive me?”

You take a deep breath. “I don’t know yet. It’s…” How do I phrase this? “I worked hard for this anger. This anger to love me, to know I didn’t deserve this, to be kidnapped, to have my head ready to be mounted on a stick.” You continue, “if I stop feeling angry, if I forgive you, I’m afraid I’m losing that. That’s why I tried to escape because I loved myself, I wanted better for myself.”

“Was I… Was I not providing enough for you?” His question strikes you like an arrow.

“I-“ You stumble on you’re thoughts for a moment. “It’s less of you not doing enough, but more of the rough foot we started on.” You sniffle. “When I gave up, I felt like I lost a part of myself, all that I worked for. That degree included. I felt all my efforts, all my struggles that I faced outside this goddamn village had gone to waste. That it wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t worth it.”

You had promised yourself to keep him at arm’s length, to not give him clues to manipulate you. But you poured your heart out into his. You felt him shake and squeeze you tighter.

“Never. Ever. Feel like you aren’t worth it.” You feel something wet on your scalp. “You deserved better than each challenge that you faced, and each bit of hurt you felt along the way.” It’s his turn to choke on his words. He takes a shaky breath above you, and you can feel his heart pound faster. “You, darling, are worth everything.”

Something small inside you breaks. He’s just as human as you are, you realize. In this desperate attempt to escape, to fuel this hatred that’s worn you down, you’ve villainized a man that’s felt even more pain than you. A broken man, who thinks you’re the glue to put him back together. You shouldn’t feel any obligation to, but you do, because you’ve felt a fraction of the pain he’s felt, that he’s currently feeling, and it’s made your mind and bones ache far after the situation ended.

“And so are you, Karl.”

He unwraps his arms from around you. “Come one butter-cup, let’s go. Ugly-ass-psycho-doll is waiting for you. Says she wants you for a fitting and some tea party with her demented child, Angie.”

“Angie? Who’s she.”

“Well, you’re about to find out.”

[sageinacage]

Why I am leaving this blog

This is the truth as of why I'm abandoning my tumblr, @/sageinacage.

CW: swearing/harsher language; mentions of breaking boundaries, sexualization, bondage, non-con/tickle torture, kinks, toxicity, overall rly uncomfortable topics

TLDR at the bottom.

Before I start, I want to say that I’m not talking about everyone in this community. Not everyone is like this, but still a lot of people are, and unfortunately the negatives are louder than the positives.

Having this blog was quite an adventure. It definitely had its ups and downs, but I was quick to notice that it had a majority of downs instead of ups. As of now, I'm dreading being on this page.

I don't feel comfortable here anymore and it's incredibly hard for me to feel any sense of safety in this community, and I honestly feel personally ashamed to be in the MCYT tickle community with the bullshit me and others have seen and experienced.

People go around on anonymous and practically harass creators, I've seen so many rude anons get sent to myself, my friends, and people on my dash. People are also breaking CC's boundaries left and right, and no one will listen to anyone when it's spoken up about. I remember making a post stating that if you send anon hate then DNI, and I lost 4 followers. So disappointing. Actually after I took a screenshot of my boundary/trigger list and posted it, someone sent me an ask and did EXACTLY what was listed in my triggers. It went fully against my boundaries, and it caused me to feel scared whenever I get a notification in my inbox, because I’m scared that somebody is trying to purposely trigger me again; and I shouldn’t have to be on Tumblr with such paranoia as I’m experiencing.

Going onto the topic of the more weird and uncomfortable side of the community, I also remember I made a post a while ago saying "if you support putting minors in heavy bondage, then unfollow," and I lost 5+ followers. To put it bluntly, that’s fucking disgusting. For those people to admit for putting minors in a borderline NSFW situation, since heavy bondage is quite literally something that only happens in the kink world and there’s nothing wholesome or cute about it, and for them to admit to doing it, is fucking weird. Though, I’m thankful those people got off my blog.

I have literally seen someone post art of c!Ranboo in heavy restraints and it didn’t even look remotely fun or consensual. It was pictured, or at least my friends and I interpreted it, that he was being tickle tortured and it was non-con. Though, it’s to be expected when the art is a dark-lit room with an intense tickle machine with heavy bondage, with a blindfold and what looks he is genuinely struggling. What made me even more uncomfortable is that an adult drew it. Another person wrote a fic of c!Ranboo in a lot of bondage with the sign “tickle toy” attached to him. That’s fucking weird. That’s practically something that never gets condoned in a strictly SFW sense. The sad part is that others and I have seen a lot of this happening around.

I was actually informed that an artist the other day on another MCYT tickle server drew literal non-con tickle art of Technoblade (/srs). I was revolted. The worst part is, some people didn't even have an issue with it and reacted to the image with heart emojis. For someone to draw non-con in a completely SFW server filled with a bunch of minors is creepy and weird. Non-con isn't a fun thing, and so many people, including me, have horrible experiences related to it; and for someone to turn it into a "heehee fun tickle" situation is fucked up. For someone to even fantasize non-con as a tickle fantasy just makes me feel sick. There are a few fics like this I've seen as well, unfortunately.

Related to non-con things, I've actually gotten a request before asking me to write Schlatt literally tickle torturing Tubbo, and multiple asks that are similar to that; even when on my request rules it stated not to ask for things related to that. Anything with the word "torture" in it is not consensual, especially in the context it was in. I’ve probably had to delete around 5–8 asks in total from my inbox that were related to non-con or torturous things, even after I already stated in my rules I do not write that stuff.

Another thing I've seen is romantic-esque things written with CCs and then the creator slaps a "/p" onto it, and all of a sudden it's okay? Ranboo has even stated in a stream that he is uncomfortable with his IRL self being written/drawn cuddling his friends, and I see so many fics and concepts of IRL Ranboo cuddling in some way (which I've spoken out about before, but again, no one listened).

Moving on, I've probably met the most toxic people in this community than any others I've been apart of- and I've been apart of a lot, I've been on Tumblr on different blogs since I was 11. For some reason, so many people love to guilt trip here (both my friends and I have noticed and experienced a bunch of people doing it in this community), and the people who get called out for it avoid apologizing like the plague. A person in this community made me and a few others literally scared to say no and scared to advocate for our boundaries, because of how much we got guilt tripped. And no, no one received an apology. But still, people DEFENDED this person, even though me and other people spoke out and explained how this person hurt us. That’s so fucking upsetting. I automatically don’t feel safe in a community where people willingly associate with a literal manipulator and someone who hurt probably over 10 people in total (/srs).

Another thing I've noticed is that so many people seem entitled to something. For example, when I got practically harassed by anons for my discomforts/triggers, basically trying to squeeze out reasoning. No one needs to explain their boundaries/discomforts to you, and this community doesn't understand that from what I've experienced; after being harassed by multiple people on anonymous multiple times, all of which were because of personal reasons I was not obligated to share. No one should be able to say that they got harassed by people on anon for their OWN BOUNDARIES. ON 3 DIFFERENT OCCASIONS AS WELL.

Long story short, I can’t help my triggers. Each of my triggers has developed from trauma I’ve gone through or a bad experience, and I shouldn’t even have to defend myself for my triggers/discomforts if people were respectful and weren’t so fucking entitled for an explanation. So many people in this community can’t mind their own business, and I unfortunately had to learn that the hard way.

I've also seen people project onto IRL CCs. Those are real and breathing people. I understand doing it for comfort, but, the CCs have a literal character that people can project onto, but for some reason, people have to push their things onto real life people. I’ve seen someone headcannon IRL Tommy as trans. That's like the same as your friend "headcannoning" you, a real person, as a different sexuality that isn't what you identify with, and one you may not even be OK with being seen as, and without knowing if you're comfortable with it or not. It's weird.

There are more points I could bring up and more specific things I could state, but I think you got the gist of why I'm leaving. I don't feel comfortable being a member in a community which a lot of its members condone in this stuff.

This is the reason why I'm only active in the MCYT tickle community on Discord, because my server, "Mcytickles," actually respects CCs boundaries and is truly an SFW server, and people are respectful towards each other. It's the only safe space I have in this community anymore, so please do not join it if you exhibit any of these things on this post.

No, I will not be coming back, so please do not try to convince me to stay. I’ve been wanting to leave for about a month now, so this isn’t some impulsive decision. I’ve been in the MCYT tickle community since April, and these problems have always existed but have just gotten worse and more extreme, so I’m leaving for my own mental health and to protect myself from further harm than what I’ve already received.

TLDR: I am leaving this blog and the MCYT tickle community on Tumblr due to the many boundary breaking and unacceptable behaviors I've seen be exhibited, and it makes me not feel safe and comfortable to be here anymore.

I want to thank my mutuals, though. You were all awesome and such kind and loving people, and I’m happy to be your guys’ mutual. I want to thank those who were always so nice to me and hyping up my work, and those who were respectful to everyone and advocated for boundaries. Thank you so much for everything, moots <3 (/gen)

[bunnieresources]

hades by supergiant games part i. sentence starters.

“ i’m leaving. try and stop me. “

“ let’s get you from that miserable place. “

“ you’ve got quite the fighting spirit in you there, i have to say. “

“ halt, ____. not one step further. “

“ come on, ____. haven’t we had more than enough of each other by now? “

“ you can turn back like a good little man, or i can send you home the painful way. what’ll it be? “

“ i told you nobody gets out of here, whether alive or dead. “

“ do not despair and hold to your resolve, ____. “

“ ever stubborn, aren’t you. “

“ it shall be exactly as you say, ____. your wishes are identical to mine. “

“ i lay the blame entirely upon you, yes. who else? “

“ everyone’s saying i went easy on you, ____. “

“ look, i’ve a reputation to uphold. you get past me again like that, you best go all the way. “

“ leave me be, and don’t think you’re going to be so lucky next we meet out there. “

“ i have to say you’re quite the specimen, and so, i’ve decided i shall aid you for the moment. “

“ hey, ____, if there happens to be something really horrible waiting for me beyond there, then... give me a sign, won’t you? “

“ oh there you are. just as i was beginning to think it’s been too long since i last killed you, ____. “

“ admit it, ____. you can’t stop thinking about me. “

“ don’t flatter yourself. i think of you in pain. and now there’s no need for the imagination. “

“ death is your only family. death, and i. best get accustomed to the both of us. “

“ what have i done, ____, to deserve such scorn? your lapse in judgement here is not so easy to forgive, yet easily punished. “

“ i never grew accustomed to the air, up here. it gusts senselessly whichever way it pleases. “

“ i’ll tear you limb from limb out there next time, you mark my words. “

“ oh, we have met, in a way. i know everybody, here, and there. “

“ the only one responsible for all of this is you. and i thought even you would have understood that by now. “

“ names are there to be forgotten, ____. “

“ no. no mournful speeches. now get out of my way. “

“ you’re running from yourself. though i can slow you down a bit i think. “

“ they say lots of things about me, ____; and they’ll tell you, in your dealings with me, ample caution is in order. let me show you why. “

“ you think me cruel, yet know nothing of cruelty. “

“ you want something to hate, then have it! “

“ you can’t be serious. you’re going to pretend as though it never happened? “

“ it comforts me to see how far you’ve come, ____. and i am confident that you shall make your way, eventually. “

“ a mortal’s life is short, and fraught with pain; is that truly the life you yearn for, ____? “

“ look, i’ve done some things that maybe aren’t great, but i am very, very sure i haven’t murdered anyone. “

“ life isn’t particularly fair, ____. nor death. i’d have expected you to know as much. “

“ blood needs be shed, and yours is going to suffice. “

“ i get the feeling we’re starting off on the wrong foot. “

“ i always wanted to kill a god. you’ll have to do. “

“ something the matter there, ____? you seem a little quieter than usual. dare i say even a little somber and remorseful, for some reason? “

“ what you’re attempting is impossible. you’ve seen what happens when you go too far. “

“ i’m not your practice partner, fool. “

“ you left, without so much as telling me goodbye. “

“ i left when it was necessary, ____. i thought of you and hoped you’d understand. i have to do this. “

“ if you won’t say it, then i’ll say it. goodbye, ____. “

“ you believe you are entitled simply to walk out of here. from your birthright and your responsibilities! but i am here to tell you, no. “

“ always happy to oblige. especially when it causes me to risk my station. to risk everything i’ve worked for. “

“ look here, ____, let me save you lots of future suffering: i happen to be the jealous type. “

“ do not anger me again, or i might come down and kill you there myself! “

“ i'm surrounded by my family, but i always feel alone. "

" i told you i don't need your help here, ____. "

" you're no god. "

" you're nothing but a piece of trash. born into all of this. and you don't even want it! "

" you seem to have me all figured out. and here i thought we were still getting to know each other. "

" i thought we had an understanding, _____, but this wouldn't be the first time i was wrong about someone. "

" is this an offering of fealty or friendship, ____? "

" i guess there's only one thing left to do. isn't that so, ____? "

" i'd ask you to join me for a drink, ____, but i know you've a task ahead of you, and liquor dulls the senses. fortunately so, under most circumstances except yours. "

" perhaps you have defied me here in jest, though in such cases pertinent to my authority, you'll find i lack a sense of humor. "

" you must see plainly, then, what your birthright amounts to: you're no better off than any of us here. "

" it's not that i'm upset or anything, here, ____, you know i'm not, but truthfully i am a bit annoyed, a little bit, and so, i got to send the message. "

" ____, i am getting awful sick of seeing your smug face, time after time after time. "

" have you given any thought to just... leaving me alone, and going back to wherever it is you came from? "

" why? why do you keep showing up? in spite of knowing that the outcome shall be just the same as how it always was? "

" why don't you go get out of here if you despise this place so much? "

" you know what i like about you? the way you bleed. "

" never met a god that bleeds like you. red. like a worthless mortal. "

" come on! let's bleed you dry. "

" thought i might find you all the way out here. although quite frankly i'm surprised you're still alive. "

" even i'm beginning to fear you, i think. seems i don't know you as well as i thought. "

" whatever you're doing, it had better be worth it. "

" you're stubborn. and you are going to get me in a heap of trouble before all is said and done. "

" a harsh winter is coming for you, ____. and i'm afraid you've brought it on yourself. "

" you're funny. but you'll break. they always do. "

" stranger, i am warning you: if you keep showing up like this, i'm going to have to find a new nickname for you. "

" you think you can just walk away from me? "

[the-hopeless-haze]

I hope he’ll be a beautiful fool that takes my spot next to you

Pairing: Sonny Carisi/reader, past!Rafael Barba/reader

Warnings: lots of angst (I bring up Undiscovered Country.... soooo...) smut (it’s NSFW people lol)

Word Count: like 5k words? Idk it’s a long one folks but I deliver

Summary: Based on “exile” by Taylor Swift for @thatesqcrush​ ‘s Valentine’s Day Bingo! Basically the reader used to date Barba until she didn’t and ended up with Sonny. Rafael is less than pleased. This is a cliche pairing (for good reason! It’s so fun to write!) but I like to think I added a fun twist... Sonny is an absolute mess, Rafael is very jealous, reader is a tad bit vindictive. This can be read in conjunction with “Being Alive” but it’s really a detour and a very loose association... there are just references because it’s so hard for me to write for these characters outside of that lens since I’ve been writing it for so long. That being said this can absolutely be read by itself and this only works if Rafael and the reader didn’t progress as characters in BA anyway lol

Murderous rage doesn’t even begin to describe what Rafael feels right now.

Behind the anger, there’s a sadness, cold and hard as stone, but he won’t touch that. It’s so much easier to be angry at Sonny than deal with anything that has to do with you. And that’s fair, isn’t it, anyway? Sonny swooped in the second things turned sour between you and Rafael and didn’t even give the two of you a chance to patch things up.

Or you went to Sonny of your own accord.

Maybe that’s more likely, but that hovers too close to the ache in his chest and he doesn’t allow himself to dwell there. Instead, he lets his ire build up until it consumes him, shooting daggers at the two of you across the bullpen office.

The two of you had always been touchy-feely - you were partners after all, very close, but you’d trained Rafael to swallow his jealousy. Told him you didn’t see Sonny like that. And for the most part, he learned to believe you. So now, he has to wonder how much of that was a lie, how much he didn’t see between the two of you, because there’s no way in hell you’d allow Sonny to touch you like this if it weren’t precedented.

Yes, at work, no less, you and Sonny are sitting at your adjoined desks, but you moved your chair to squeeze as close to him as possible. His arm is slung across your shoulder, a relaxed grip, because he knows there’s nothing Rafael can say or do that would make you leave him. Your head is resting on Sonny’s vested shoulder, and you’re laughing at something he said, no doubt a stupid joke that only you would find the humor in.

Death would be more welcome, Rafael thinks, then curses himself for being overdramatic. Still, when was the last time Rafael had been able to make you laugh?

Olivia had warned him of this new arrangement, but nothing could prepare him for this. Didn’t Rafael matter at all to you?

You lean up to kiss Sonny and Rafael thinks he might puke. —- Maybe Sonny should feel more guilty for kissing your mouth like you’ve been his this whole time, but he doesn’t. Because now he knows without a doubt in his mind this is where you belonged. He can feel the weight of Rafael’s gaze across the room, but he doesn’t mind carrying it, shielding you from it.

He did feel awful the day you came to him, your touch freezing and clammy from the inclement weather that you traveled through to get to his apartment, and then you practically pounced on him, told him you wanted him - and what was Sonny to do? Say no? No, after asking you a million times if you were sure, he gave into a temptation he’d be lying if he said he never thought about before. Of course, Sonny always imagined being between you and Rafael - he loved both of you in different ways, and the two of you seemed like a package deal at the time his original fantasies started to occur - but if you alone were going to come onto him, he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to oblige.

Don’t sleep with your partner was probably the first unwritten rule in becoming a detective, but it’s not like Sonny was going to stay at the precinct, anyway. He’d take Rafael’s place in the courtroom, too.

Still, when you first came onto him, he did feel a twinge of guilt, like he was hurting Rafael and you at the same time, in different ways, but then you explained it all to Sonny. How you always felt insecure around Rafael, that you weren’t sure if he really loved you, that you weren’t sure if you really loved him, that both of you had so much pressure to make this work that it started to fall apart under the weight of all your expectations.

You didn’t have to wait for Sonny to say he loved you, and you didn’t have to doubt it, either. He said it for the first time that same night, and he said it so fervently that you pulled his body back into yours, moaning your own declaration of love back to him. Maybe it was too soon, but he’d spent over a year pining for you (and Barba) in secret, and... well... he wasn’t going to waste what would be his only shot with one of you. He wanted you to know you would be well-cared for in his arms.

If looks could kill, Sonny would be dead on the spot and he knows this. But he also knows that jealousy is a cross Rafael has no right to bear. He had his shot, and he blew it. He should’ve let you know what you meant to him instead of clouding everything in his anxieties, his anger, his burdens from his past he never could let go of. Whatever he did now was too little too late, and even if Sonny had feelings for the lawyer, you always came first, and those said feelings would now never be stated out loud unless he got enough liquor in him and he was feeling sentimental that day.

Sonny used to root for you and Rafael, but he was always an embittered cheerleader, standing on the sidelines wishing someone could love him the way he thought you two loved each other. Appearances meant nothing, though. Now that you’ve let him in, he knows what you had with Rafael was far from the heaven you deserved.

And Sonny is all too keen to give you what you deserved.

As you lean up to kiss him again, he stops you for a moment, smiles down at you in adoration, and you giggle, “What?”

“Nothing,” he grins. “You’re just so beautiful, doll. I love you.”

Rafael’s gaze strengthens in intensity, and you almost turn to look in his direction before Sonny kisses you firmly, a smirk playing against your lips. This has to be killing Rafael, and Sonny isn’t usually that vindictive, but it gave him some sort of sick satisfaction that he was hurting Rafael just like Rafael had hurt you. And, you know, show Rafael what he was missing.

——

Sonny’s kiss is so warm, so comforting, but it doesn’t stop the ice running through your veins - you know Rafael is here despite Sonny’s best efforts to distract you from him. And you meet his eyes across the room for the first time since the night the two of you fought with each other for what would be the last time, the night you found yourself in Sonny’s arms instead. Those eyes add insult to injury, because you still know Rafael, and even if he’s standing across the room you know what he’s feeling. There’s anger there, but deep down you know he’s crushed at having seen you move on so quickly, and with someone he suspected you might leave him for in the first place. And he’s trying to drag you down to his level, get you to sit here in his misery with him.

This could break you if you don’t steel yourself, so you squeeze Sonny’s hand for support.

Sonny’s in tune with your body language, having been your partner for so long, and he stands to full attention, asking you if you’re alright.

“I’m okay,” you tell him, staring down Rafael until he makes his way over to your desk. You swallow thickly. Rafael when he was angry was never pleasant.

“This is cute, hmm?” he says bitterly, nodding sharply at the two of you.

“I like to think so,” you reply coolly, smiling at him.

“Barba, I know you’re waiting for Sarge, but can you please go wait somewhere else? She’ll be out any minute and you’re bothering (y/n),” Sonny asks, forever trying to be the peacemaker.

“She can handle herself,” Rafael says, chuckling sardonically, rolling up his sleeves nonchalantly. “Clearly. She doesn’t need you to fight her battles. But if you’d like to...”

“Mm, please, Rafael, like you’d get your knuckles bloody for me?” you snap. “Grow up. Everybody moved on. It’s time you do too.”

Rafael’s visibly taken aback by your verbal assault but he only lets it faze him momentarily. “Right. Moved on. Only took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it and you’re out here spreading your legs for someone else,” Rafael hisses, and you can see the moment when he realizes he went too far, the moment the wrath in his green eyes fades into regret.

“Get out,” Sonny says firmly, raising his voice enough to turn Amanda’s and Nick’s heads. “Get the fuck out. I don’t care how hurt you are, get out. You don’t talk to women like that. I’m honestly... I’m disgusted.”

“I... I am sorry—“ Rafael fumbles.

“A bit too late for that. I’m not your problem anymore, Rafael, so who am I offending now?” You ask. You weren’t upset by his statement - you did move fast with Sonny, faster than even you were immediately comfortable with, and you know how it must look to Rafael, how it must feed the flame of his absolute deepest and darkest insecurities.

Rafael glances around the room and realizes he’s caused a scene. Without a word, he leaves out the side door, forgetting his meeting with Olivia. He’s seen this film before, and the ending? It’s not worth sticking around for.

—-

Sonny could spend hours with his face between your legs, and he did. It was almost like the man never stopped talking because he wasn’t nose-deep in pussy - but you kind of chuckled at that thought because he wasn’t quiet even then. He’s always moaning, making obscene sucking sounds on your clit, talking to you, sending delicious vibrations straight to your core.

You come again, moaning and tugging at his hair, and Sonny adds to his total, grinning up at you, his face sinfully wet with your juices running down his chin. “That’s two down. Think you can give me one more before I fuck you?”

“Sonny, fuck,” you whine breathlessly as he runs his tongue over your now swollen and overstimulated clit. “I need a break.”

You love it. You’ve never had anyone this enthusiastic about pleasing you like this before, and you’ve never exactly been a pillow princess either, but Sonny protested if you even moved a muscle when he was going down on you, instead he’d chuckle and tell you to save your energy for when you ride him later. Not that he needed to be in you at all - you swear he could get off just eating you out. You never would’ve pegged giving oral as Sonny’s biggest kink, but you certainly weren’t complaining.

Sonny laughs heartily, crawling up the length of your body to kiss you deeply, the taste of you branded onto his lips and tongue. You moan as he rolls his hips against yours, the cloth from his boxers creating a tantalizing friction and you buck up against him on instinct.

“Ah-ah,” he tsks, moving off you to lay beside you. “I thought you needed a break, doll.”

You sigh, nodding, trying to catch your breath, but how could you, when he was still on the side of you, whispering dirty things in your ear? God, he really did never shut up.

“He ever fuck you like this?” Sonny asks, a devilish glint in his eye. For a second you think he’d take it back, apologize for asking such an intrusive question, but he doesn’t, and you know it’s because he’s just gone down on you for half an hour already and he’s got enough testosterone running through his veins he could kill anyone who glanced at you. Of course he was in competition with Barba, especially when he was this riled up.

“No,” you murmur, and you’re not lying. Sex with Barba was great, obviously, he’s very attractive and he knows what he’s doing. Rafael was a damn tease, but Sonny? Sonny was so much of a sap he couldn’t bear to hold anything back, couldn’t bear to see your lip tremble in want for even a second. And no one had time to fuck the way Sonny wanted to, drawing everything out and making you come so many times with his lips and tongue before he’d finally enter you. It’d always take a few hours, so this was usually saved for Monday mornings when the two of you didn’t go in until 3, or Friday nights when both of you were too wired to sleep anyway. Sure, there were days you were pressed for time and he needed to have you so more often than not he’d settle for making you come quickly on his face before pounding into you, but...

Rafael was a good, thorough lover, and god, you’d probably miss his hands for a long time to come, but Sonny’s tongue was such a good replacement.

“You just saying that, doll?” Sonny asks gruffly.

“No, honey, of course not,” you giggle. “No one’s as generous as you.”

“Generous? Huh. That’s a good one,” he laughs, and it seems like that comment brought out the underlying sap in him. His clear blue eyes soften and he smiles at you. “Nah, doll, I just love you so much, and making you feel good? What better way to show it, you know?”

This was a complete mess, you realized that, but you were blissfully happy in spite of it. How could you not be? It’d been an amazing three months. On nights the two of you didn’t work, you were treated to home-cooked dinners, bottles of wine, heated makeout sessions that always led to something more. If you worked, you’d take long showers together, massaging the knots out of each other’s muscles until you were both too dreary-eyed to stand.

Sonny was clingy, sure. You knew he would be, of course, and you weren’t used to that - sometimes you questioned if Rafael even wanted you in the same room - and it’s with a sudden realization that you come to terms with the fact that none of your relationships worked out because you needed that constant reassurance that Rafael and so many of your exes were reluctant to give.

It’s so easy to paint Rafael as a villain now that it was all over, but he wasn’t. You truly, truly loved him, even if he never took the time to learn your love language or make you dinner or marathon-fuck you. He showed his affection for you in other ways, but they weren’t as overt and it always left you questioning what he really wanted from you.

And anyway, it wasn’t enough to counteract the wrongs he’d done to you. Always making snide comments about how close you were to Sonny, to Amanda, to Nick, even... and it was in those moments you wish he didn’t love you so much, that he’d let you breathe instead of keeping such a constricting hold on you. You knew what he was scared of, he’d been cheated on before... but you hadn’t done anything.

He tried so hard to snare you down without taking into consideration that you already were his. Or, at least you had been.

When he got down on one knee you knew it was over. For him to be that insensitive, after you’d just gone through an accident and were barely coming back to life through damn near mandatory therapy and rehab... you couldn’t take it anymore. Didn’t he see the signs? You gave him so many, but he just never learned to read your mind after all that time.

And you didn’t want to be his, at least not in that regard. He wasn’t asking you for the right reasons. He was making up for lost time.

You never told Sonny that Rafael asked you to marry him, because that would wreck him and make you seem vindictive, but you have a feeling that Sonny knew anyway. Maybe Rafael mentioned it in passing. It doesn’t matter. You’d never be his wife now.

You didn’t intend this to be a long term thing with Sonny, but now you were used to him being in every facet of your life, and you supposed you did love him underneath everything. It was always Sonny who was there on those cold nights equipped with hot chocolate and cannolis, always him making you laugh when you were miserable about a spat you’d gotten in with Rafael, always him damn near reading your mind to give you what you needed.

Maybe it wouldn’t last. Maybe the two of you would go down in flames, too. Maybe he’s only being this amazing because he’s wanted you this long and he wants to show you what you’ve missed the time you wasted with Rafael, and it’ll fade once you’ve stuck around.

But you don’t think so, because you know he’s always loved you like this. The only things that have changed since you let him in is that he fucks you now and he’s practically moved into your apartment. He’s never quite kept his crush for you under wraps. On the off chance this is just a honeymoon phase... you’d still take it. It was bliss for now, and that’s what mattered.

“You ready for round three, doll?” Sonny asks. “Or you wanna sit there and daydream about Barba?”

“W-what?” you stutter, looking at him dumbfounded. “I wasn’t—“

“Don’t play dumb. I know you, (y/n).”

“Are you mad?” You ask, making your voice small.

“No. It’s only natural, right? I probably shouldn’t have brought him up in the first place,” he says, shrugging. “Still...”

“Don’t, Sonny,” you protest. “You’re not his understudy. I love you—“

“I know. That’s not why I’m saying that,” he says, kissing you gently. ——

Sonny would never tell you why he was saying that; why he brought up Barba in the first place. This was a fucked up mess, Sonny knows that, but he can’t help imagining you fucking him like Rafael used to fuck you. You and Rafael both have such dominant personalities, and it makes sense why you’d always be at each other’s throats in hindsight.

One of you had to be more dominant, though, and Sonny gets the sense that more often than not Rafael won your battles. But Sonny won’t even put up a fight against you, and for a woman who was so used to losing... maybe Sonny was doing you more of a favor than he realized. You’re an absolute tease, brutal, really... Sonny doesn’t know where you get the sadism because you’re so kind-hearted outside of the bedroom... but he’s never quite had orgasms like the ones you draw out of him either, so he’s not exactly complaining.

Okay, maybe he whines a little when you don’t let him come.

Or a lot. Whatever.

It’s so worth it, for both of you, even if Sonny can barely take the heat sometimes.

Sonny imagines Rafael doing that to you, too, getting you riled up and soaking wet just to say you can’t come until he said. Or teasing you while you were working (he’d seen that happen a couple of times) just to leave the precinct and leave you rubbing your thighs together in a vain attempt to relieve the ache between them.

Sonny could just never do that to you, lord knows. For one, he can’t stand to see you ache for him while he’s right there, while he can just give you what you need from him. For him he takes pride in the number of orgasms he can draw from you, not how explosive or mind-numbing they can be (although he likes to think he gives both in quantity and quality). Sex is all about giving to Sonny. It always has been. Besides, seeing you fall apart on his tongue? It drives him insane. Maybe most men don’t get as enthusiastic about going down on their girlfriends, but Sonny truly doesn’t think he could ever live without it.

Still... didn’t you take a little bit of your partner with you, even if it was over? In a way, Sonny realizes, he does have both you and Rafael now. Just like he always wanted. Because when you maneuver him where you want him, get bossy in bed, that’s Barba talking. When you drag his bottom lip between your teeth, fiery lust in your eyes, he can just imagine Rafael doing the same to you, you looking up at him with hooded eyes.

His favorite’s got to be when you speak to him in Spanish, whisper “te amo” to him under your breath, because that’s purely Rafael’s influence and nothing else.

Still, you’re mostly you- and that’s fine. Sonny always loved you more, anyway, he’s always been closer to you, always been head over heels for you the second he stepped foot in the precinct and Liv told him you were his new partner.

Sonny didn’t see a point in hiding your relationship from the squad. You were wary at first - everyone knew you just broke up with Barba, and making this public so soon would be a source of gossip. But he convinced you... through questionable means (make a girl come enough times and she’ll do anything you ask). At the end of the day, he doesn’t think anyone truly cared, even if Amanda made a comment; “Guess she’s a hot commodity around here. When’s my turn to date her?”

“I’m never letting her go now that I’ve got her,” Sonny had replied with a grin. “You missed your shot.”

“I was kidding,” she chuckled. “Good for you, though. You’ve been in love with her for a long time, puppy dog eyes and everything.”

Sonny just beamed back at her, but he wonders how obvious he truly was in his affection for you before the two of you started going out. Was it enough to make Barba jealous? Possibly. Maybe that’s why Barba was being so absolutely vile and hostile toward Sonny now, refusing to let him sit in on his closing argument rehearsals and making sure to send more snide remarks his way whenever possible. Sure, Sonny expected that, but if only Rafael knew Sonny loved him too.... Maybe the wound wouldn’t sting as badly as it did. There wasn’t a chance in hell Sonny would say anything now, especially with the way he talked to you the other day (you’d think a lawyer who handles mostly sex crimes would refrain from slut-shaming his ex-girlfriend, but, apparently his anger truly did get the best of him). Still, he’d always love Rafael just like you always would.

Sonny knew there was always a chance that he was just a rebound, that you’d leave him to go back to Rafael, but time goes on and you stay with him and Rafael stays bitter, barely looking at the two of you. Years pass and Sonny tries to extend an olive branch every couple of months, but Rafael would rather eat poison, it seems.

Fair enough. You couldn't say Sonny never tried. ----

Rafael spent a few years feeling like an exile every time he stepped foot into the precinct - and it wasn’t fair in the least. He was A.D.A. before you even got your badge. If anything, you should be feeling like the odd one out now that the two of you were over. This was his city.

But you’re not his homeland anymore. You haven’t been, not for a long time.

It was a new kind of torture every day, watching you and Sonny get closer, closer, closer… Rafael kept searching for reasons to leave New York City that wouldn’t have to do with you.

And then he found one.

Rafael’s standing outside the courthouse, where he just got acquitted for infanticide. It’s bitterly cold, he’s wearing his tan coat that you’d rarely see him out of this time of year. And you come up to talk to him.

It was rare that you did that, anyway, you did your best job to ignore him unless you absolutely needed to speak with him. But now he gets the feeling it’s time for confessions, words you always wanted to say to him all these years now that he was leaving out the side door of your life for good.

It’s a strange kind of sickness, watching you move on more and more, seeing your stomach swollen with Sonny’s child, your finger gleaming with Sonny’s ring, your last name changing to Carisi.

“You’re really leaving?” you ask, pulling your coat across your belly - it wouldn’t stay closed with the buttons anymore. You shiver, sip at your coffee.

“I can’t exactly stay now, can I?” he asks brusquely. “You really shouldn’t be drinking coffee while you’re pregnant.”

You snicker. “It’s not your baby, is it, Barba? Good thing, too. Wouldn’t want her to come out wrong. You might kill her.”

“Oh, fuck off. I don’t need this to be rehashed,” he snaps harshly, bitter tears leaving his eyes. “Did you have anything else to say?”

“It’s decaf coffee, anyway,” you mutter. “I really thought you’d have left a long time ago.”

“Why, because of you?” he asks, laughing bitterly. “Are you really that arrogant?”

“You still look at me like you want to kill me half the time.”

“Just… I still don’t understand what went wrong.”

“If you don’t know by now… I really don’t know what to tell you, Rafael. I gave so many signs. And Sonny… he treats me well. He gives me things you were never ready for, and I… The way things happened… they truly were for the best.”

“For who?” Rafael asks, fighting against his body’s overwhelming desire to break down and sob. Hadn’t he learned by now, though, that there was no amount of crying he could do for you? Still, when you left him, everything went to hell. He tried to pour himself into his work, and this… watching you get and stay happy was salt in the wound.

“I think leaving will be good for you,” you say, ignoring him. “You can move on. Meet someone new. Get a new job. New start. You know?”

“I think I’m too old for new starts,” he scoffs, shaking his head.

“Won’t know unless you try, hm?” you ask, nudging him in the side. “You’ll make it. You always have.”

“Not with you,” he murmurs.

“No. But you didn’t need me. You don’t need anyone.”

“Is that what you tell yourself, to make yourself feel better for what you did to me?” Rafael asks, his voice breaking a little. He was always so desperate not to show vulnerability, especially not around you… but what did it matter now?

“Rafael… we always walked a very thin line. You have to know that we weren’t going to stay together even if we tried to. And why should I have to be miserable just because you are?”

He stays silent because you have a point and he’ll be damned if he lets you know that.

“Sonny loves you, you know,” you say abruptly, and Rafael quirks up an eyebrow. You laugh. “Yeah. He’s very testy about it, but I’ve been with him long enough. I know he does. You should’ve jumped on him before I had the chance. He would’ve taken you. He would’ve taken both of us, but… you and I couldn’t share.”

“You can have him,” Rafael says, rolling his eyes. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“It’s just… you didn’t have to spend all these years hating us, feeling like a foreigner in your own city. We would’ve taken you back. You just didn’t want us.”

“I didn’t want the Carisi package deal. I wanted you. I dated you, not him. I loved you, not him.”

“First of all… I meant as friends. But also… Like you’ve never thought about it,” you tease, grinning at him.

Rafael rolls his eyes. “See, this is why we had problems. That’s not funny. Wandering eyes… that’s a problem.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” you say, shrugging. “Sonny’s surprisingly liberal. But that’s great that you were finally able to admit that your jealousy made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.”

“I’d argue my jealousy was warranted. I find it hard to believe that you didn’t fuck Sonny before you broke up with me,” Rafael scoffs.

“I didn’t!” you protest. “I’m not having this argument with you, because at this point, it doesn’t matter if I did or not, but I was nothing but faithful to you, Rafael.”

“Then how could you just move so fast?"

“It’s not like I just picked him up off the street. We’d been friends before.”

“Right. Friends.”

“Yeah. Friends,” you repeat sarcastically. “You see why we didn’t work out now?”

“Guess so.”

“You know, I do wish the best for you. Honestly. You deserve better than the cards you got dealt here.”

“You can say that again,” Rafael sighs. “I did really love you, you know.”

“Yeah. Sometimes that’s not enough. I loved you too.”

He takes a deep breath. “I wish you the best too. You’ll be a good mother.”

“Thank you, Rafi,” you whisper back, leaning over to hug him softly. There it is again; that cold bitter ache - when’s the last time you referred to him by that nickname? And now it would be the last. “Goodbye and good luck.”

"Yeah, you too," he says, rubbing your shoulder awkwardly, remembering a time when touching you was second nature. He watches you, your eyes make contact with Sonny's, and you turn back one last time to give Rafael a sympathetic smile... and that's the last time he ever sees you.

Taglist (lmk if you wanna be added!): @stormtrooperofficerbrowneyes @thatesqcrush @law-nerd105 @blackeyedangel9805 @moon-river-drifter @dianilaws @xecq @lv7867 @teddybluesclues @averyhotchner @houseofthirst @stardust-fray @lapaquerette @wanniiieeee​ @altsvu​

[love-hatred-stuff]

No More } Choi San [ateez]

genre: angst

warning(s): slight obsession, mention of a break up, a bit suggestive

word count: 1.7k

notes: I don't have much time to write nowadays but I will upload a part 2 soon, I promise!!!^^

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He had tried everything. He tried confessing his feelings to you, he tried confessing his love. He tried being more masculine and demanding, he even tried submitting completely to you. But still, you were a desired girl here in this city, of course it wasn't that easy. Maybe it all had gone wrong because he mainly just imagined making a move on you.

The biggest step he had ever took in real life was when he found the courage to speak to you and became friends with you finally. But that was almost a year ago and he still couldn't figure out how to get you to like him too.

San would do absolutely any and everything to be your boyfriend. He wants you since he first saw your enlightening smile. It was a smile he would never get tired of admiring.

San wants to be yours, no matter how long it would take for him to confess. He would get you to love him back, wouldn't he?

And at the same time he was scared to death to scare you away. He was someone special and different from everyone around you. San was light-hearted, handsome, competitive and one day he would be shy, and the other day he would be confident. Just sad, that whenever he was with you he became really insecure sometimes.

He was in love with you and didn't know how to show you properly. It was like a curse for him, he just wanted you to use him to your happiness! Was that too much to ask?

However, he still had hope, it wouldn't die until you would break things off with him. But you weren't planning to. You found him cute and pretty. You maybe even had a little crush on him. Through all the time you two spend together you learnt what kind of a person he is, and you figured he was one of the kindest, smartest and loveliest people you ever met in your live.

So why would you not like him?

The thing was, you just weren't as obsessed with him as he was with you. Although he tried to be not clingy, he loved your affection and touch, so he always hugged you longer than needed or stood closer to you than everyone else.

Until one day, you got closer than you would have thought. Out of sharing sweet kisses got a close relationship and the dream of San was fulfilled. The other boys always were jealous how he was able to kiss you on the campus or hold your waist and hand whenever he desired. But he was smart and strong, able to fight them if he needed to.

Of course he knew how lucky he was to date someone as special as you and his obsession only grew. You weren't aware of what scenarios played in his mind all the time, what he wanted you to do to him.

He would like to be used.. by you. But he kept it to himself for a long time. But even if he had this strong feelings, he still was a little, delicate boy to you. Caused by his overprotectiveness and love to have you as close as possible, he got very clingy.

You almost always understood and accepted his affection but sometimes you needed space because you had other obligations than to cuddle your boyfriend and it got too much. It didn't scare you away, it just made you aware of the fact that he may feels more for you than you for him. Of course you loved him with you whole heart, though it just been about six months in this relationship and you wouldn't say that he was your reason to live yet. You would hate to live without him but you could do it anyways.

You always asked yourself if maybe you just had problems catching feelings. Because for a long time you just couldn't handle any boy near you. You weren't exactly cold-hearted but it felt like your heart had been frozen until you met San, it needed time to warm up now. You just couldn't give him all of you only in a few months.

When he was too much to handle and you got angry at him or began being the dominant one, he easily started sobbing. All he wanted was you, not anyone else could still his needs like you did, he never wanted to leave you or the other way around. So he was emotional when he was scared of you letting him alone.

Gladly you never did, you always where there to comfort him, even if you where the reason for him being so upset.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎ present ▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

It bothered him how you stopped replying to his texts and answering his calls. It bothered him so much, it needed everything of him to not break down right then and there. It's been a day without getting any sign of you and he started to think you forgot about him or just simply didn't want him anymore. He knew you were fine -or at least alive- because he could see that you had read his messages and experienced how you declined his calls.

(10 new massages)

|San|: [why aren't you answering?] >09:23pm< seen

|San|: [please, just tell me you’re fine and not mad at me] >09:24pm< seen

He sighed, laying his face inside his hands, acting out the desperation he felt, trying to be strong.

|you|: [no, I'm fine. I just don't have time for you right now San, sorry] >09:26<

You weren't in the mood to reply more right now. You needed time for yourself. And you weren't mad at him, you only needed a break of him at this moment. The both of you saw each other every single day, even if you were busy, he insisted on visiting you. Not that you didn't enjoy his company, the thing was, that you came to the conclusion that he may was a bit obsessed with you.

When you were busy, you were busy, and he has to accept that at one point but he didn't. So you chose to ignore him for awhile to get your stuff done without any intervention.

When he saw your text, he felt relieved but something was bothering him again. You had no time for him? It's either supposed mean what it says, or it means that you were mad and would hate to see his face right now.

|San|: [okay, just please call me when you are ready, alright?] >09:26< seen

|San|: [I miss u :(] >09:27< seen

|you|: [I will. Sleep well] >09:28<

The coldness that came with your words made his heart scrunch in pain. He knew that you didn't miss him right now, you were tired of seeing him every day. And he tried to understand but still felt the need to visit you and make whatever he did wrong up to you. But he resisted this urge and stayed where he was, thinking it would be the best to leave you alone for a bit.

•••

A bit. Yeah, a bit was good. He'd thought "a bit" would have lasted shorter. Though it expanded to two whole days. And you barely had ever answered his texts.

The more time flew by, the more he got desperate. He cried himself to sleep the last two nights. It was affecting him so much, more than he would have thought. He knew you were his everything, but that he wouldn't be able to stand three days without your presence surprised him.

And at this point he would give everything to get you back in his arms. So he thought how he could make you feel better about him again. San had thought about many ways to do that but almost all his plans seemed to not be pretty thought through. Not matter how many times he tried getting new ideas, -he even googled how to get his girlfriend back-, his mind always came back to one solution. Although he had a bad feeling about it. He had no other choice. What else could give him back his joy of life? He had to seduce you.

Wasn't good sex what all girls wanted at this age? He asked himself first, but he shook his head in disgust. You weren't a girl like every other. And especially not about the sexual act. You were humble and patient, he knew that. That's why you both never spoke up this topic. Of course you turned him on and stuff but as long as you were in his arms, open to have any other physical contact, he didn't need to sleep with you yet.

It wasn't exactly why you were bored, but maybe you thought it could be fun to try something new. It didn't had to be sex, but what else was left to try? Exactly. Not too much.

San made himself ready to meet up with you before sending you a message to ask if you were home. Fortunately you were, and sighed when you saw your phone blink from the twentieth text he had send you.

God, was this childish. You groaned and rolled your eyes. And you were actually disgusted of your own behaviour after doing all this to him. He'd done nothing, so what was making you disapproving him so much?

Because you felt bad about avoiding your boyfriend, you texted him back, informing him that you were home. Sooner or later, you had to bring it behind you.

You didn't notice how wet your eyes got from thinking about having to break up. Because you really didn't want to, it was just.. getting too much and not enough at the same time. Your close connection was no more. Was it?

San was overly happy suddenly when he read your message. And so he got on his way to your apartment right away.

••• to be continued •••

>>>part 2

[granny-griffin]

Hi guys! This post has content warnings for the following: suicide, incest, abortion, politics, and swearing. I've tagged this post for all of the above, so you should add one or all of them to your blocked tags if you don't want to see it. Stay safe friends!

@arists started a conversation with me on this post. I'm making my own post now so that I don't clog up op's notifications with our discussion. I'll post the relevant screenshots here, but I'm including the link so that you can fact check what happened if you want.

#1 (op's post)

Image Description: "A screenshot of a twitter thread. Sarah Chavez writes, 'It's not hard to see what a pro-life world looks like. It looks like a world with a lot of dead women in it." An article is linked, but the url is cut off. Emily Gould replies to the first tweet, saying, '"Amnesty International reports that suicide now accounts for 57 percent of deaths of pregnant femals ages 10-19 in El Salvador." That's what a "culture of life" looks like.'"

#2 (in the notes of op's post)

Image Description: "granny-griffin replies, 'This. Suicide is an evil we have to prevent. But murder is NEVER the answer. I'm not sure how it even became a viable option. We need a better solution.'"

(note that there is a significant time gap between images #2 and #3)

#3

Image Description: "arists replies, '@granny-griffin the only other "solution" is mandatory vasectomies on males but good luck telling men what you want to force onto their bodies. ntm abortion at 6 weeks isn't fucking murder but science doesn't fucking matter to you.' Then granny-griffin replies, '@arists if you want to start a conversation, then I'm happy to talk! you can dm me or whatever! But if you're just angry, then I'm glad you found an outlet and I hope you feel better soon'"

#4

Image Description: "arists replies, '@granny-griffin go start a conversation with the women of texas' Then granny-griffin replies, '@arists I mean. I am a woman living in texas so that should be pretty easy. I'll try to do that sometime soon! It's always helpful to me to hear other people's perspectives on important issues'"

#5

Image Description: "arists replies '@granny-griffin so you're a traitor then? when you see little girls being forced to birth a product of incest you feel better about yourself? you see women who have a dead baby in their body forced to cary to full at the risk of her life and think "nice job me!!" And you've probably never adopted with makes it even funnier. youre an embodiment ignorance and selfishness.'"

#6 (private message between arists and granny-griffin)

Image Description: "granny-griffin says, 'hey I really. don't want to fight you. I know that you're upset. I think we both want to help women in vulnerable situations, we just have different ideas of how that should work out practically.' In a second text, granny-griffin continues, 'If you need to keep venting, you should do it here. That way if you say something you might regret, it won't be in public'"

#7

Image Description: "arists sends three messages. The first one says, 'I'm not venting I'm saying it how it is' The second one says, 'I've dealt with ill-minded christians like you my entire life I know your strategy' The third one says, 'now go back to the post because I refuse to deal with you behind doors so you can appear "holier than thou" by putting on a fake image'"

#8

Image Description: "granny-griffin sends seven messages. The first one says, 'ok we can do this in public' The second one says 'give me until tonight though I've got school' The third one says 'do you care if I make a separate post? I'll copy all the previous stuff from our conversation and the main post' The fourth one says, 'I just don't want to have a whole conversation on op's thread' The fifth one says, 'it would feel disrespectful almost?' The sixth one says, 'like they have their whole point and I don't want to completely de-rail them' The seventh one says, 'but if you aren't cool with moving them then I can come to wherever is comfortable to you'"

#9

Image Description: "arists says, 'go ahead'"

to preface—airsts I'm still not totally sure what you want out of this. You aren't obligated to respond to anything I say—just like I'm not obligated to respond to you. We don't know each other, and this is kind of an unfortunate way for us to meet. Still, I hope we can have a productive conversation going forward. I'll go through everything and ask questions. You can respond to as many or as few of them as you want.

#3:

The only other solution to what—suicide? unwanted pregnancy? incest? Is that really the only other solution? What are some policies you would like to see implemented to deal with each of these?

How do you define murder? How do you define what a human life is? Are there particular scientific facts or theories you make use of in your definition? If you have time, please either explain them, or reference an article/book/other source that does. I would like to learn! But I understand that fact checking is a lot of work so if you're too busy I understand.

#4:

(A note here—my knowledge of the situation is not as thorough as I would like it to be, but from what I know I'm not satisfied with the way abortion restrictions are being implemented in Texas. What are we doing—reporting each other to the secret police or something? Notifying the authorities of a crime is one thing, but why is there a finder's fee? Why are we sueing each other? This kind of thing will only breed corruption and mistrust.)

#5:

Huh, what am I a traitor to? Women? Is there a point of view that is specifically the "pro-women" point of view? Traitor makes this sound like a war—are there sides? are there good and bad guys? Who gets to define all of this?

No, I don't like it when girls are forced to birth a child conceived in incest. What are some ways that this situation could be prevented? Do you think that easy abortion access could ever perpetuate abuse by allowing abusers to get rid of the evidence of their actions? Is providing abortion services to victims of incest worth this risk? (and I mean that as a legitimate question, not a leading question)

(Another note here—I am pretty sure children who die in the womb can still be born naturally (hence the term "still-born"). But again, my knowledge here is limited and my issue with abortion is largely because of the harm it does to the child. If the child is dead already, and abortion is the only way to remove them, then I don't have a problem with this.)

Do you think adoption is the only way to take care of vulnerable children? Did you know that people who adopt sometimes need help raising funds to do so, or need help with babysitting, or need meals made and chores done for them? Did you know that mothers who raise their own children need these things too? Is this an attack on my argument, or an attack on me (ad hominem)?

#7

Sorry to assume you were venting—I should have asked what your purpose was instead of making assumptions.

Okay but do please tell me—what is my strategy? I am curious to hear your psychoanalysis of me and my goals.

Arists, I'm really sorry if I came off as "holier than thou." I'm not a better person than you. I know that I think I'm right—everybody does. But I do want to be open to hearing and learning from your perspective. Even if you don't change my mind, you can increase my empathy, and that's extremely valuable to me.

okay, that’s it! I’ll wait for your response!

[cherryfi]

Cat and Mouse (M)

Plot: Meeting Johnny had been an accident but the night you’d spent with him wasn’t. Now that he’s had a taste of you there was no way he was going to let you go.

A/N: @lovejohnnvsuh​ gave me this idea. It’s not very good but please be kind :D.

Warnings!: Unprotected sex, a little angst I guess, that bisexual agenda (if you squint). Mafia Au so mentions of violence.

Requests are open!!

This is my fav gif of him , my god!

Word count: 3463

The mission had been pretty simple you were just to take out one target and walk away like nothing had happened it should have ended well but, you hadn’t counted on Eunwoo being as smart as he was psychotic.

Neo zone was an upmarket bar owned by NCT, in the centre of the city. Anybody who was anybody hung out there and that was meant to be where you’d end your target’s short, crime-filled life.

It had been a summer night, the air still warmed by the setting sun but not as heavily as it had been during the day. The cool air carrying the promise of an eventful night.

The feeling of smooth satin rubbed against your body as you walked through the club confidently. The thrum of heavy noise music mixing perfectly with the swaying bodies on the dance floor, you fell into step with them perfectly aware of the eyes watching you; smirking when you caught your target’s eye.  Not noticing the other eyes that watched you dance with beautiful stranger on the dance floor. She smiled at you in invitation and if you hadn’t been on a mission maybe you would have let yourself be swept up by those full, pretty lips and even prettier eyes but you were working.

“I’m sorry honey but, I just came to dance.” You locked eyes with Eunwoo again, running your hands up your thighs and when he invited you over with a swipe of his hand, you were happy to oblige.

Sitting next to Eunwoo, you spent the night pretending that you were completely enthralled with his conversation, hanging off the edge of his every word. Laughing as convincingly as you could at his dry jokes while you rubbed his arm and eventually the more time that you spent with him, the more comfortable he got. His hand wandered to your thigh as you leaned into him.

“We should go somewhere more private, don’t you think.” You tried for sultry, hoping that you convinced him you were falling for him.

But really, he was falling into your trap. All you needed to do was just to convince him that it was a good time for the two of you to be alone, you’d take him somewhere away from the club and it would be a done deal.

You’d make it look like heart failure and no one would look into.

Given that you weren’t able to kill him in the club. Especially because Neo Zone was of course owned by NCT and everyone was subject to a search as soon as they entered, you had to pack something small. So a dermally absorbed poison disguised as a lipstick, would have to do.

All you need to do was rub it on the side of his neck and he would be dead within 5 minutes. He’d slip away peacefully not really knowing that he was dying and when they found him any autopsy would say that he had had a heart attack. Which of course would be a little suspicious given the fact that he was 23 years old and in prime health but because of his position within the organised crime community there was no way that anyone would really take any special look into his death because that would place them down a rabbit hole, exposing a lot of people along the way.

That was how the plan should have gone, but it didn’t.

As you leaned forward suggesting to him that maybe it was time for you to find somewhere private to go, you felt the cold and recognisable, fear inducing touch of the barrel of a gun against the back of your neck and in the same whispered tone that you’d spoken to him in…

“I know exactly who you are, and I know what you do. It’s over, Y/N.” On the outside you’d kept your cool but, inside the feeling of dread gripped you, sending adrenaline surging through your veins, while keeping you frozen. He laughed mirthlessly as he leaned back into the plush leather of the VIP couch.

Fate really was a cruel mistress; or maybe it was karma for all the people you’d killed.

You were one of the corporation’s top assassins and had been sent in on difficult operations.

Your best tactic was seduction.

You should have been able to complete your mission. But unbeknownst to you, you’d garnered a name for yourself in the mafia community and some of its top members had been waiting for you – you’d been compromised.

Just as you were being ushered to get up, you were surrounded by new men, some you recognised, others you didn’t but, you knew that they must have all belonged to NCT.

“We’ll be having none of that in my club Eunwoo, Neo zone is neutral territory, even for her, put the gun down before I have to make you. Miss Y/N, you and I need to talk.” Johnny stood at the helm, his height and dominant presence just begging anyone to oppose him.

He’d effectively saved your life but, you’d broken the rules and now it seemed that you were in trouble.

Neo Zone was neutral territory. Everyone knew that, including the Corp.

Regardless of what was happening, no blood could be spilled in an establishment owned by NCT.

They were the kings of the city and nobody wanted to invoke the wrath of their head ‘Lee Taeyong’, not even a group as powerful as the Corporation.

The Corp had largely stayed away from NCT as they hadn’t done anything to upset the heads at the top and NCT had stayed away too (providing the Corp an illusion of power that everyone knew they didn’t really have).

The rumours had been that Taeyong had dirt on everyone in the Corporation and with all the support of the top gangs in the city, could cause a mess if the corporation chose to ‘step out of line’.

But this wasn’t about the precarious relationship between the Corp and NCT, this was about Johnny Seo, the man who currently had you by the arm and was taking you to an awaiting car.

Seo Yongho or Johnny, as he was better known, was the second in command to Lee Taeyong and they matched perfectly. Where Taeyong tended to be introverted and cold, Johnny was open and warm making him the perfect host for a neutral and welcoming club like this.

“Get in, Y/N.” The whisper of his deep voice next to your ear, drove a chill down your spine. You hadn’t expected him to be so close and his imposing aura had become dominant and seductive.

You looked at your reflections in the car’s tinted window and it was clear from the way that he was looking at you what his intentions were.

You weren’t about to become some King pin’s maitresse  en titre.

“Look, thanks for back there but, I wasn’t about to do anything on NCT property. I know the rules and I know that the Corp isn’t immune. I’ve got work to do so; I’ll just be heading back.” But Johnny just chuckled as a man that you didn’t recognise opened the car’s back door, his copper skin seeming to shine even in the dimly lit night.

“Don’t you think you should thank me for saving your life? Get in the car Y/N.”

And thank him you did with the silent acknowledgement that this would be a one-time thing.

You were allowed to enjoy yourself from time to time, right?

You’d found yourself in his bed wrapped up in his soft cotton sheets where you’d thanked him again and again for his… kindness.

The way he’d held you, the way he’d said your name, hell, just the way he’d looked at you had bought on a feeling that you’d not felt for anyone and you knew you had to get away.

It was dangerous, how intoxicating he was and it was clear from the moment that you’d stepped into his car, that you’d never have enough of Johnny Seo and there was no way that he was going to let you. That was made even more clear at the end of the night when he’d whispered, “You’re mine.” Against your skin, his arms wrapped tightly around you.

But by daylight you were gone.

Thus, entering you into the game of cat and mouse.

Your company had put you on leave, understanding that you had been compromised and could no longer be in the field undisguised (and eventuality that you’d all planned for) but, you hadn’t planned on being chased by a very powerful man.

NCT (and therefore Johnny) were so powerful and so well connected that the Corporation refused to get involved, the thinly kept truce between the 2 groups on the line.  They did even give you a safe house to hide in but had instead given you the funds to keep running.    

You’d been running for 6 months and it was beginning to get tiring. Constantly teetering on the edge of paranoia, always looking over your shoulder, you were mentally drained.

With Johnny always one step behind you, you’d been unable to stay in one place for more than 2 nights without catching sight of him and you were running out of places to hide.

You would soon be trapped.

In a rare moment of good fortune, you’d been able to send him in the wrong direction, buying yourself some time to recoup before you’d be on the run again and you’d used that time to book yourself into a beautiful hotel.

The Lotus was a 5- star top of the market hotel, prized for its extravagant rooms and exceptional customer service. They had some of the best spa facilities in the world.

So, you’d booked yourself suite 448, a room with a beautiful view of the city and a full spa day with all the trimmings.

Taking off your hotel robe, you hung it behind the changing screen and made your way to the massage table. The smell of Jasmine wafted in the air, calming you as you rolled your shoulders and lay down on your stomach, covering your lower half with a towel.

As instructed, you pressed a button on the massage table, letting your masseuse know that you were ready and soon enough you heard the light padding of someone entering the room.

They said nothing as they began to pour warm massage oil onto your back and it should have sent alarm bells ringing but, you were too tired to care; sighing in bliss as you felt strong, warm hands working the knots out of your muscles.

The strong grip, however soon became painful as the (obviously) male hands started to push down onto your shoulders and when you felt them wrap around your neck, you jerked up; ready to throw yourself at whoever this psycho was.

You froze when your eyes met Johnny’s stern gaze.

“Caught you.” You scurried up the table, looking between him and the door but, you knew you didn’t stand a chance.

And as if reading your mind, Johnny grabbed your ankles pulling you down the table and into him.

He stood between your naked thighs, his hands underneath them, keeping you trapped.

“I’ll make sure that you can’t run from me again. Let’s use up all that energy, yeah?” The softness of his voice did little to mask the dominance of his words and you shuddered.

There was no way that he’d ever let you go.

“Do you want me Y/N? I know you do but, I need to hear you say it. I need you to hear yourself tell me how much you want me.” You felt brush of his eyelashes as he kissed along your jaw and down your neck. Lifting you off the table, he placed you to stand in front of him.

He hungrily drank in the sight of you, your nakedness on full display and you drew in a shaky breath, the heady smell of jasmine becoming intoxicating as it mixed and danced with the smell of his cologne.  You desperately wanted to hide.

The tension in the air grew thick as he watched you expectantly.

“Let’s cut this game short. We both know what we want so just say it. I’ll give you everything you’ve ever wanted; just say the word.” Even before you could muster up the courage to give into what you wanted, needed even, he’d already known that you would.

Johnny held your gaze, his eyes full of lust as he took off his clothes. His gaze becoming playful and smug when your eyes traced his movements.

“I want you.” And if it wasn’t clear enough, you grabbed his hands, stopping him as he made to undo his belt, instead undoing it for him.

Now on your knees, you were face to face (dick) with his member, gasping in surprise because of his lack of underwear. He only smirked down at you.

You gripped him gently, biting your lip as you began to stroke him; humming as he hissed in pleasure.

“How did you find me?” You kissed his tip, literally pumping him for answers, and took a tentative lick, making him buck his hips slightly.

“Does it matter?” You supposed it didn’t but, you wanted to know so that you’d make sure that he’d never find you again. You shrugged it off for the time being.

Johnny didn’t know it, but this would be the last time he saw you; you’d be in the wind again before he knew it.

“No.” You took him in whole, bobbing your head slowly, letting his deep groans egg you on.

You wanted to give into him, a man you barely knew, and that was dangerous. Assassins like you weren’t supposed to be taken with flights of fancy.

You let your thoughts go, fully enjoying the sensation of his hands your hair while you worked him to a frenzy. You moaned around him, increasing your speed when his grip got tighter, losing yourself in the burn of having your hair pulled.

You snapped back to reality when he pulled your head back and guided you to stand up and pulling you against his body, his lips stealing your breath away.

When he broke away from the kiss, his lips were swollen, his breathing heavy.

“As pretty as you look on your knees baby, that’s not how I want you.” He smiled sweetly and kissed your knuckles, helping you back onto the table.

“You’re so beautiful baby, I missed this view.” Johnny placed opened mouth kisses down your body and along your waist, your breath catching as he avoided the very place that you needed him.

He chuckled lightly at your exasperated huff as he kissed your inner thighs; gasping when he bit down, causing you to loosen your grip on the table, falling back onto the table.

“Y/N look at me.” You raised your head. Your vision hazy with need, you met the steely and determined gaze that you’d seen over 6 months before when you’d first met him.

“I’m going to devour you.” You wanted to curl up and hide from that gaze, but he wouldn’t let you. His grip on your thigh tightened as he opened your legs.

Your eyes rolled back into your head and you fell back again as he kissed your clit. His tongue worked you open, causing you to cry out and grip the sheets in your hands.

You were losing your mind, slipping closer and closer to the edge as he worked his tongue inside of you.

You cried out your hand flying to his hair and gripping him hard as he moaned against your clit, your thighs squeezing around his face.

Johnny’s left hand gripped your thigh as he sent to you to a fever pitch with the middle finger of his right hand; increasing in speed when you started announcing your orgasm.

He worked to your edge and then pushed you over it, your body going stiff and then lax as your orgasm washed over you, crying out with abandon.

He kept going even as you began to push his head away, the oversensitivity make you curl up.

“Johnny, stop. S’toomuch…” Your voice coming out garbled, you couldn’t find it in yourself to feel shame at how loud been, especially when Johnny stood up – his big body looming over you.

“It’s too much? It can’t be. I’m not done with you yet.” When he had that look in your eye, who were you to tell him no? You gasped into his fervent kiss as he entered you, wrapping your legs around his hips when he’d fully entered you.

Johnny was not a small man and you were reminded of that with ever inch inside of you but, you loved it.

Especially when he started rocking his hips.

He set a brutal pace, slamming against you in ways that made you sure you would bruise. His head resting in the crook of your neck, you felt more than heard every groan as he pounded into you.

He sunk his teeth into the juncture between your neck and shoulder, increasing in speed and causing you hiss, the pain quickly leaving you as he licked the sensitive spot, your head falling back.

You stiffened up, your hands gripping onto his shoulders as he rubbed your clit, his fingers matching the pace of his thrusts, his eyes never leaving your face.

“You gonna cum for me again, sweetheart? Let me know how good I make you feel.” Forehead pressed against your own, he held your gaze, his dark eyes daring you to tell him that you didn’t feel good.

The only responses you good muster up were garbled version of his name mixed with curse words eyes squeezing shut as you came again. Your vision turned white as you cried out, letting go and falling back onto the massage table – thoroughly exhausted.

Johnny came inside of you soon after, chanting your name like a mantra.

The joint comedown from your high was sobering as the gravity of what had gone on hit you.

Johnny held you gently, kissing along your jaw and eventually kissing your lips deeply. He helped you off the table and to a couch in the room; bringing you to sit on his lap.

“Won’t you be with me Y/N?” You laid your head on his shoulder trying to catch your breath and struggling to find reasons why it would be a bad idea to fall in love with him.

“You’d be happy with me; we both know it.” You wanted to believe him; you really did. But people like you, assassins, didn’t have happy endings.

“Would I?” You needed to get out of here.

“Yeah, I’d make you so happy. I know we don’t know each other deeply but, don’t tell me you don’t feel something.” He was pleading with you but, this was your chance. You climbed of his lap, wobbly on your feet, feigning exasperation and putting space between you.

You grabbed your robe, slipping it over your shoulders and tying it around your body. “It’s not that easy and you know it. There’s no happy ending here when I know that you’re just going to use me for sex.” Was that hurt you saw flash through his eyes?

It didn’t matter.

You needed this over and down with and just like you’d expected, Johnny bolted up from his seat, wrapping his arms around your waist to stop you from running. You wrapped your arms neck, hugging him tightly before you slipped the syringe out of your sleeve and injecting hm in the neck.

Johnny gasped, pushing you away and falling back into the couch, a wounded look on his face.

“What did you hit me with?” His words already slurring, he put his hand to his neck.

“It’s a sedative, you’ll be out for an hour or so. This can’t work Johnny. You know that, you have to know that. I’m so sorry but, I need you to let this go.”

“Why?” Honestly though why? You could genuinely see yourself being happy with him, there was no real reason to stop you other than fear. You wished you could give him a legitimate answer but, there was none.

Johnny soon passed out, the cross look on his face smoothing as he lost consciousness and you called it in, asking for the clean-up crew to tie up the loose ends; making sure to tell them not to hurt him.

They’d placed him in your hotel room to sleep the sedative off, while you disappeared, just as you’d planned.

Johnny woke up in suite 448, alone.

[writingfromkitchenator]

Gabriel ~ Wedding

Alphabet Challenge Masterlist (700 Followers)

Masterlist

Words: 1,510

Warnings: Neutral Reader, hangover, sexual references, swearing, Gabriel is a bit of an arse in the attempt of humour, fluff

Your head was pounding and you fought your way out of bed, half falling to the ground as you made your way to the bathroom with bleary eyes.  For a moment you almost thought that you’d throw up, but it settled, so you dug through your toiletries bag for the paracetamol.

Swallowing three, you finally focused on yourself in the mirror, your nose screwing up at your dishevelled look.  A little unbalanced, you made your way to the shower, doing your best not to fall over as you undressed, and turned it on cold.

Between the drugs and the cold shower, you were feeling a lot better when you finally stepped out. Your head still hurt, but you didn’t feel as gross as you had after your intense drinking the night before.  It wasn’t often that you got a chance to spend some time alone like this, or to just let go, so while you weren’t feeling one hundred percent right now, it was absolutely worth it.

Wrapping the towel around yourself, you bundled your clothes together and stepped out, heading to your bag for some clean clothes.

It took you to start digging through your bag though, when it finally registered that there was someone else there.

Jumping, you faced the bed, only to stare as Gabriel watched you with a wide grin.

“Morning Sugarplum,” He said sweetly.  “Feeling better after your shower?”

It took you a long moment to process this, including his bare chest, the sheets still covering his lower half, before you pointed at him.  “No.”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “No?”

“Yes, no.”  You frowned for a moment, shaking your head. “What the fuck Gabriel?”

“All that alcohol must have addled your brain more than I thought,” He chuckled.  “Why don’t you sit down for a moment and rest that little head of yours.”

You stared at him as if he’d grown an extra head.  “Are you serious?  This cannot be happening.  I-” As you went to move, the towel started to fall, and you just managed to catch it before it slipped.  “We did not sleep together.”

Gabriel looked at you for a moment, before looking down at himself, then back at you.  “I know I’m a little rusty, but I wouldn’t have said it was that bad.”

Heat flared through your whole body as your eyes narrowed on him.  “Don’t pull that shit on me, I’m not falling for it.  Now, why don’t you get your arse out of my bed before I pull out the holy oil and set you alight.”

He chuckled but makes no effort to move.  “I’m not pulling anything on you.  You called for me and I came.”  He smirked. “More than once.”

“That is not funny.” You growled, fingers wrapping tighter in the towel. ��“You are not funny.”

Gabriel shrugged and bag of M&M’s appeared in his hands, popping a few into his mouth.  “I clearly had something going for me, I would’ve thought that that was you but-”

A furious noise left you and you started digging through your bag with one hand, haphazardly throwing out your clothes in the silent hope that you had indeed packed holy oil.

It was as you dug around that a flash of gold caught your eye on your finger, and you froze, a chill going through you as you realised what it was.

“Oh yeah,” Gabriel said lightly.  “It seems this is also now our honeymoon.  Chocolate?”

You turned slowly, staring at him, his own ring now on clear display as he offered you the bag.  “No.  Fucking. Way.”

He blinked and shrugged, eating a few more.  “Suite yourself.”

“Gabriel,” You fought to keep yourself in check, multiple emotions going through you at once.  “We.  Did not. Get married.”

Humming thoughtfully, he clicked his fingers like he had an idea.  “Ah, I thought this might happen.  Luckily, I got it all on tape.”

There was another snap of his fingers and the TV turned on to a home movie with you and Gabriel. You gaped at it for a few moments, not believing that this was actually happening, before your glare returned to him.

“Stop it.”  You said.  “I know what you’re like Gabriel and this is not funny.  You all knew that I was on vacation and there’s not a chance in hell that you would’ve come here and allowed me to do that, no matter how drunk I was.  So please, I’m practically begging you here, cut the shit.”

He stared at you for a long moment, his expression passive as he just munched away on some more of the chocolate.  Finally, he shrugged, and grinned, his fingers snapping again, the TV turning off and the rings disappearing.

“It was worth a shot,” He said lightly.  “And for the record, you did still call me.  You are a fun drunk Sugarplum.”

“And you’re an arsehole!” You shouted, grabbing the nearest item, a bible that was next to your bag, and throwing it at him.  “What the fuck were you thinking?”

Gabriel caught the book and looked at it with some amusement.  “An angel of the lord that certainly has very little to do with this. Come on Y/N, like I would do anything to seriously hurt you or upset you.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m upset now!”  You snapped. “Or are you not noticing that?”

He thinks for a long moment before he nods slowly, then holds out the M&M’s again.  “Chocolate?  Always helps me feel better.”

You turned back to your bag, letting out a string of curses, going back to looking for the holy oil, when the beeping of a phone made you freeze.  Slowly, you looked back at Gabriel and saw him on his phone, replying to a message with a smile.

“Gabriel,” You said, watching him type.  “Please tell me you haven’t been messaging people about this.”

“Only the good parts,” He said, sending you a smirk.  “Everyone’s glad you’re having fun.”

“Give me the phone.” You growled, stepping forward.

“No can do Sugarplum,” Gabriel finished his text and put his phone down.  “That’s private information that.”

“Oh, I wasn’t asking.”

You launched for the bed, foregoing the towel, and Gabriel just managed to grab it before you got it. A struggle between the two of you ensued, and after a lot of hard pokes to his ribs, he relented, the phone slipping into your hand.

Gabriel pouted as you quickly stepped away, unlocking his phone and scrolling through the messages. “That was hardly fair.”

“You owe me after all the crap you’ve pulled this morning.”  You growled, reaching the images.  “Honestly Gabriel, what made you think that this was a good idea?  And to me, of all people.”

He doesn’t answer, watching as you flicked through the images, seeing all the images of the two of you having what looked like a great time.  You were frowning the further you got into them, and eventually you met his gaze again.

“Why wouldn’t you just tell me this?”  You asked.

“Honestly?  I was pretty sure you’d be pissed either way, so I ran with it.” He said with a smile and a shrug.  “And you have joked before about getting married in Vegas before. Thought I’d live out the fantasy for you.”

You stared at him for a long moment before shaking your head with a laugh.  “You are something else, and yes, I mean that even from an angel. Did I really call you?”

Gabriel nods, leaning back against the wall.  “Yep. You were bored and wanted some entertainment, so I obliged.”

Sighing, you shake your head, throwing his phone back on the bed.  “And did we actually sleep together?”

“You tried to,” He smirked. “But I was hardly going to let you in the state you were in.”

“Uh huh,” You looked him over again.  “And the reason you’re still naked in my bed is because…”

Gabriel gives you a look over, his smirk widening.  “It’s not like we’ve never seen each other naked before, is it?  Beds are so much more comfortable when you’re naked.”

You rolled your eyes. “You really are something else Gabriel.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”  He said rather happily, throwing the sheets off and getting off the bed.  “Now, what do you say, after I’ve cleaned up, we blow this popsicle stand and go and have some breakfast.  I’m famished.”

“You’re an angel, you can snap your fingers.”  You reminded him as he headed for the bathroom.

“Yes, but believe it or not is rather nice doing things the human way occasionally.”  Gabriel shoots a grin over his shoulder.  “You can always join me?”

You shake your head, smiling, even as you take in the view, earning a wider grin from him.  “Just go and get ready Gabriel.  I’d hate for us to be delayed too much in celebrating our honeymoon.”

His laughter echoed from the bathroom as he closed the door, and you finally sighed, smiling, and going back to the task of getting dressed.

[spencers-renaissance]

Rain is a Chance to be Touched Ch.7

a poem begins in the lump in the throat

Chapter Six

This is the seventh chapter in my ongoing hotchreid fic! Please click here for the fic summary, full tags, trigger warnings, more information etc.

Last Chapter: Aaron went to Spencer's apartment and found him in a depressive state. Lots of cuddles and comfort ensued.

In This Chapter: Aaron and Spencer go to a museum with Jack, but it is definitely not a date. And Spencer's depression definitely does not get in the way.

TW: same as usual — as well as additional ones for a trigger scene and depictions of caring.

Word Count: 4.8k

RCT Masterlist // Main Masterlist // Read on AO3

SPENCER

A poem begins in the lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. — Robert Frost

The day after Aaron had turned up at his flat, he’d rung Penelope who had not-so-guiltily confessed to sending him his way. He wasn’t upset though, quite the contrary. A kind, cuddly, caring Aaron showing up in the middle of a minor depressive episode was exactly what he needed, and the evening they’d spent together had burned its way onto the tissue of Spencer’s heart. It was one of the happiest moments he’d experienced in a long time, despite the weighty, persistent, downward tug on his mood.

He’s been over every day the team has been home in the two weeks since, Penelope taking over when he’s away, and as exhausting as Spencer has found human company in the past year, neither Aaron’s nor Penelope’s presence drains him in the way everyone else’s has. They accept his low mood, not blinking an eye when he doesn’t have the energy to respond to something they say or when he zones out and stares blankly at the wall for minutes at a time. He can’t even find it in him to care that both of them have seen him naked now.

Their company starts to chip away at the glacier of loneliness that had spread itself across his chest, inching its freezing border ever closer to the corners of his ribcage as he pulled away and watched everyone else do the same. Aaron and Penelope simply aren’t having it, and their determination to show him love and friendship and warmth is slowly but surely melting his isolation to a puddle on the floor, soon to dry out and be forgotten.

Penelope had come with him to his first psychiatrist appointment, though she’d sat in the waiting room this time, and it had been incredibly relieving to be able to properly let go of some of the heavy burden that had weighed so heavily on his shoulders all this time. He’d kept him on the same antidepressants Dr Reese had prescribed him, and although he hadn’t felt a huge difference yet, Dr Parker was incredibly reassuring and he was trying not to assume defeat so early in the game.

He did feel slightly better, though, as he came out of the dip in his depression that had come on the day after his day out with Penelope. Once Aaron had noticed his mood brighten and his energy levels increase slightly — evidenced largely by Spencer not immediately falling asleep on the sofa when he comes back in from work — he’d suggested getting out of his apartment and doing something.

Spencer was apprehensive at first: the idea of willingly putting himself in a position of proximity with strangers and unpredictable circumstances made his skin crawl. But then Aaron had proposed a quiet trip with him and Jack to the Natural History Museum, maybe a walk in the park if the weather was nice. Spencer had found it hard to decline.

The last few weeks had only solidified Spencer’s feelings for Aaron further, intensified by both his persistence in being close to Spencer and his relentless kindness, and he had begun to feel something like real, genuine hope stirring on the surface of his soul.

He’d caught Aaron looking at him a few times when he thought he was asleep or zoned out, and the softness on his face felt reflective of Spencer’s own expression when he looks at Aaron. He couldn’t imagine him being so insistent on taking care of anyone else on the team, and since he’d left the BAU anyway, he had no obligation to be so dutifully kind.

Yet, he shows up before and after work every day the team is in Virginia, no matter how far out of the way Spencer’s apartment is, making sure he eats, showers, has clean clothes. Making sure he knows he’s loved. (Something whispers deep in his heart that maybe that love is the kind he’s dreamed of.)

On bad nights when he was still working at the BAU, he’d hug his knees to his chest and imagine Aaron curled up behind him telling him how much he loved him, telling him that it was going to be alright. He could never look the man in the eyes the next day at work, but that didn’t stop him. It worked better than anything else he tried and now it’s a reality he can’t pinch himself out of.

Truthfully, in the weeks between quitting the BAU and Penelope forcing Aaron and herself back into his life, he’d desperately missed his time in Aaron’s apartment, playing with Jack and pretending his life wasn’t splitting at the seams. The idea of spending a whole day with them — without the added baggage of trying to box up his increasingly untameable depression — was something he actually looked forward to. It’s a nice feeling; admittedly one he hasn’t felt in a long time.

Penelope comes over the morning of the outing.

(“I’m not about to let you flush this down the drain just because you end up having a tough morning,” she’d insisted when Spencer told her she doesn’t need to. “I’ll come over and force you out of bed and into a nice little outfit if I need to. You are going on that date with Hotch. Sorry: Aaron.”

“Shut up,” Spencer had said weakly. “It’s not a date.”

“Irrelevant,” she’d sniffed and levelled him with a glare he couldn’t argue with.)

He’s pretty sure that her insistent and relentless protectiveness and aid is part of her very focused mission to make up the last year to him. In fact, he’s almost certain, considering every time she sees him he’s bombarded with yet another apology and a small present for him. He’s not sure how to get through to her that he’s already forgiven her.

“Have you eaten yet?” she asks as she walks into the living room to see Spencer curled up on the sofa with a blanket pulled over him. He had actually made it to bed last night, but the only way he could pull himself out of bed this morning was to promise himself a few minutes on the sofa, exciting day ahead of him or not.

He shakes his head. “Not hungry,” he sighs, picking at a loose thread of his blanket.

“That’s okay,” Penelope says lightly, dumping her handbag on the armchair before breezing into the kitchen and setting the orchid she’s brought with her on the windowsill. He hopes she knows she’ll be the only person around responsible enough to water it. “We’ll find you something small. How does a little bowl of cornflakes sound?”

“Fine.”

She puts the coffee machine on before bringing him a bowl of cornflakes that is decidedly not little. He hates that her tactic works and he eats the whole thing. “Why do you always have to be right?” he grumbles as he polishes off the bowl and puts it on the coffee table.

“I don’t know, baby genius,” she sighs exaggeratedly, sagging into her armchair. Spencer doesn’t know what he’d do without Penelope Garcia and her incessant dramatics. “It’s truly an affliction.”

“Mhm.” Spencer raises an eyebrow, unimpressed, but Penelope’s saved by the coffee machine beeping and she stalks into the kitchen to pour him a cup. He has no idea how early she wakes up to make it over to his house dressed to the nines with a full face of make-up on at eight am. He smiles fondly at her as he takes the proffered mug. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she says brightly, sitting back in her chair and sipping at her own cup. “So, how are we feeling about our date today?”

As much as Spencer does not appreciate her suggestive eyebrow waggling, he can’t help but smile at her antics. He also can’t help but blush. “It isn’t a date, Penelope, I’ve told you this.”

“Right, right,” she says drily. “I think I’d have an easier time believing you if you weren’t constantly sending one another heart eyes and weren’t clearly half in-love with one another already.”

Spencer decides it’s probably best to avoid mentioning that his feelings have definitely progressed past the ‘half in-love’ phase, and just looks down. “Jack will be there,” he points out instead, “and the Natural History Museum isn’t exactly a steamy date location, is it?”

“No, that’s exactly the point. It’s a Dr Spencer Reid date location.”

Spencer looks at her a little speechless for a moment. Unfortunately, she’s right. He’s privately thought about getting married in one of DC’s many museums, and science and history are two of the subjects even a casual acquaintance would know he’s fascinated by. Plus, it’s also something he’s bonded over with Jack.

All of that may be the case, but it doesn’t change the fact that he absolutely cannot let himself consider this a date.

He’s already let himself fantasise enough about Aaron returning his feelings; not letting himself think of this as anything other than platonic is the only thing he can hang onto to protect his fragile heart. Getting his hopes up only to find out he’s wrong would crush him, and he can’t risk a devastation of such proportions right now. He’s barely getting out of bed in the morning as it is.

Penelope seems to catch on to his spiralling thought process and leans over to lay a hand on his knee. “Hey, I know it’s intimidating,” she says gently, “and you don’t have to think about it as a date if you don’t want to, especially if you’re apprehensive because he hasn’t said anything explicitly. I just don’t want you to doubt yourself. I promise you he has feelings for you, too, okay? You need to trust me on this one. That man is absolutely gone for you.”

Despite himself, he finds himself smiling at her as her words warm him from the inside out. Even if he knows he has to be careful with his heart, he can’t help the optimism his head conjures up at such a promise from someone he trusts with his life. “Okay,” he whispers shyly.

“Right,” she says, putting her half-empty coffee mug down on the table and gripping Spencer’s free hand to pull him up from his pathetic sprawl across the sofa. “Come on, you. Aaron won’t be long, let’s get you looking at least half-human.”

He only agrees because she lets him bring his own coffee mug with him to the bathroom. She’s a good friend.

Penelope slips out a few minutes before Aaron is set to arrive per Spencer’s request, and he sits nervously on the sofa, waiting for the doorbell to buzz. He’d chosen his favourite shirt and tie combo and gone with a lilac sweater under his smartest navy coat. He holds his scarf in his fidgeting fingers, ready to put it on once they get outside, but he still feels naked. Suddenly, everything that’s riding on this day out fills him with a sort of dread and he feels vulnerable, scared of all the endless ways this could go so wrong.

Before he can spiral properly though, his intercom buzzes and he rushes over to answer it, even though he knows who it is. He’s glad he does, because Jack’s voice crackles its way into the quiet of his apartment. “Spencer, Spencer, come out, we’re here,” he shouts excitedly, and even though Spencer winces at the feedback his high-pitched voice elicits, a fond smile still finds its way onto his face.

“I’m on my way down, buddy,” he says back, with as much enthusiasm as he can muster, before patting his pockets to make sure he has his keys, phone, and wallet. He locks his door carefully and makes his way down to the front of his building. Apprehension balls in a pit in his stomach, but it loosens as soon as he approaches the pair waiting in the cold outside the front door.

Jack runs up to him and he crouches down to give him a big hug, wishing he had the strength and confidence to pick him up and twirl him around like he’s seen Aaron and Derek do so many times. Jack doesn’t seem bothered, though, an excited grin painted across his face as he pulls back from the hug.

“Hey,” Aaron says once Jack has let Spencer go and he stands back up straight. He presses a hand gently to the middle of Spencer’s back and the touch spreads warmth up to his shoulders as he watches the curve of Aaron’s smile. “How are you doing?”

“Rocky morning,” Spencer admits — he’s almost certain Penelope sends Aaron status reports, so lying is pointless. “Penelope helped.”

“She always does,” Aaron says warmly, keeping one hand on Spencer’s back while the other holds Jacks as they walk to the car parked a little way down the street. A little spark of excitement rushes through Spencer’s body as he briefly lets himself think about what casual passers-by might assume about the three of them. “You still up for the Natural History Museum?”

“Of course,” Spencer replies, as brightly as he can, trying to ignore the pull of sorrow still weighing his gut down. “Are you looking forward to seeing the dinosaurs, Jack?”

“Yes!” Jack shouts eagerly, letting go of Aaron’s hand to unzip his little puffer coat to reveal his long-sleeve t-shirt. A big, green t-rex stands out against the blue background, and Jack’s never looked prouder. “Dinosaur, see?”

“I do,” Spencer laughs. “It’s a great shirt, Jack.”

“Hey, let’s zip that coat back up, buddy, well done,” Aaron says gently and Jack does so obediently. “He insisted on wearing it,” he tells Spencer once Jack’s hand is back in his and he’s securely wrapped up. “He wanted to show you.”

They arrive at the car before Spencer can reply, and Aaron opens the passenger door for him to get in before strapping Jack into his car seat and setting him up with a few of his toys, including his favourite dinosaurs. It’s only a fifteen minute journey to the museum, and they pass the first half of it in a comfortable silence, but eventually, Spencer works up the courage to ask the question that’s been at the tip of his tongue the past two weeks.

“How’s work?” he asks, trying to be as innocuous as possible, though his awkward avoidance of Aaron’s eyes probably gives him away.

“It’s good.” He’s clearly treading carefully as he eyes Spencer for a brief moment before he returns his gaze to the road. “We’ve only had one major case since you left, and we muddled our way through it, got it solved. Everyone does miss you, though, Spencer. They really do.”

It’s a concept he still can’t really get his head around. He hasn’t been around for a year, not really, and they didn’t miss him then. It feels almost… convenient, to Spencer. Guilt is not remorse.

“Have you found my replacement yet?” Spencer surprises himself by not feeling any jealousy at the prospect of someone taking his position on the team. He’d long ago accepted how replaceable he is socially, and it’s not like the pool of talented, intelligent prospective agents is exactly small. He also has no desire to be around his old team; not as they were in the build-up to his resignation, not like that. He still has Aaron and Penelope, but he’s only just starting to trust that they’re not going anywhere.

“I think so,” Aaron sighs heavily. “As long as her paperwork goes through, she’ll join the team later this week.”

Spencer nods, not really knowing what to say to that. Aaron reaches his right hand across the console and rests it on top of Spencer’s clasped hands, the warm reassuring weight of not just anyone’s touch but Aaron Hotchner’s turning his insides into a melted puddle as his heart beats faster. He hooks one of his fingers over Aaron’s, a silent message to keep his hand there, and he doesn’t worry about what to say next. Nothing needs to be said.

Spencer knows the Natural History Museum like the back of his hand, so he directs them to the best parking spot before taking the lead and walking them into the gorgeous, open foyer. Jack bounces excitedly between them, so Aaron lifts him onto his shoulders to reduce the likelihood of a disaster.

“It’s not too busy for a Sunday,” Spencer observes, half trying to calm himself down in such an unfamiliar environment, “so we should be able to see everything we want to. Jack, do you want to see the dinosaurs now or later?”

“Now!” he shouts loudly, wiggling as happiness floods his little body. Spencer smiles fondly at the pair, and a little more of the apprehension he’d felt at leaving the house melts away.

“Well how could I refuse that request?” he chuckles, leading them towards the dinosaur exhibit. His breath catches when he feels the back of Aaron’s hand brush the back of his, and in a moment of bold and brash insanity, he interlocks his pinky with Aaron’s. After the moment in the car, he feels such an action is warranted, but as soon as he does it, panic sets in.

Before he can retract his finger though, Aaron takes Spencer’s hand properly. The feeling of Aaron’s big hand gripping his own in a gentle but firm hold makes his stomach dip, and goosebumps find their way up his arms and down his side. He’s never felt safer than right in this moment — never mind the crowds of people they’re passing through; the insecurity of being outside his flat; the uncertainty of what could happen — never mind all of that, because his hand is in Aaron’s and Aaron keeps him safe. He doesn’t trust much anymore, but he will always trust Aaron.

Jack babbles eagerly the whole way to the dinosaur exhibit, repeating some of the facts Spencer had taught him in his previous visits to the Hotchner household in a “did you know?” format, leaving both Aaron and Spencer chuckling fondly, trying to encourage him as much as possible.

Spencer shows them around the exhibit, acting as their tiny group’s personal tour guide, and Jack couldn’t be happier, insisting on walking instead of being carried so he can press his face up as close as possible to the displays, his breath fogging up the glass as he leaves fingerprints all over the cases. They spend nearly an hour walking around the exhibit, playing with the interactive toys and examining each and every display in a close-up fashion.

Once they wrap up their dinosaur exploring, Spencer brings Jack to a bench and asks him what his favourite thing he learned is.

“Uhh,” Jack hums, furrowing his eyebrows in a way that reminds him so much of Aaron it’s almost uncanny, “oh! They were terrible and they were stupid!”

Spencer’s confused for a moment before laughing as he manages to decode what Jack is trying to say. “Dinosaur does translate to ‘terrible lizard’, well done,” he agrees, “and you’re right, they weren’t much smarter than reptiles these days. Good job, Jack!” He raises his hand for a high-five, and Jack doesn’t waste any time in slapping his palm to Spencer’s.

“Can we get ice cream?” he asks eagerly, widening his eyes in a plea as he looks at Aaron who's been observing the unravelling scene from the pillar next to the bench.

“Go on then,” Aaron concedes, grinning at his son’s uncontainable happiness as he wiggles around next to Spencer.

They head to the museum’s cafe and all order ice cream, taking a seat in the middle of the canteen.

“This reminds me of field trips back in school,” Spencer muses, gesturing to the surrounding noise with his spoon.

“Yeah?” Aaron asks while Jack picks distractedly at a scratch on the table, licking his ice cream cone happily.

“Before I was identified as a gifted student and sent years up the grade school ladder, I was a fairly normal kid in a fairly normal school. We went on a field trip to a museum in first grade, and I loved every minute of it. I got to impress all my friends by sharing all my memorised facts about space, and we ate our packed lunches in a canteen like this. My mum was still on her meds back then, and she’d cut all my ham sandwiches into dinosaur shapes.”

Aaron’s smiling at him as he talks, and he realises that it’s probably because it’s the most he’s had to say in weeks, much less something anecdotal and personal. Spencer realises belatedly that it’s the sort of thing one might share on a date, but there’s nothing he can do about it now.

“I’m glad you have nice memories from your early childhood, Spencer,” he says, and his hand reaches across the table to find Spencer’s again. “It’s the least you deserve.”

He averts his eyes as he blushes, suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed by the attention, and focuses on his ice cream for a few minutes before he’s cooled down a bit. “What about you?” he asks, meeting Aaron’s eyes again. “Any field trip memories?”

“I made out with my ninth grade girlfriend at the planetarium once,” he admits quietly, a mirthful chuckle finding its way into his voice.

“Maybe minutely better than dinosaur shaped sandwiches,” Spencer says, a little shyly.

“Ooh, dinosaur sandwiches!” Jack chimes in, suddenly aware of the conversation the adults are having. “Can I have some?”

Spencer’s phone vibrates just as Aaron goes to appease Jack’s enthusiasm for novelty shaped lunch food, and he pulls it out curiously. These days, the only people to text him are Aaron and Penelope, and Penelope had told him she was going out with a friend today.

Hey, pretty boy — Spencer’s heart sinks as he reads the first line of the message, tears immediately springing to his eyes — I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. Hotch said something about personal stuff going on? Anyway, I thought I’d text you to tell you just how much we miss you at the BAU. Life isn’t the same without you, and it was hard to not even get a chance to say goodbye. Any chance we could meet up at some point? We don’t have to go out if you don’t want to, we can just go grab a coffee or something. D

Aaron must read something off in his face — it’s not exactly like he’s trying to hide it — and he immediately slides closer to him on the circular canteen bench. “Hey, hey, Spencer,” he says soothingly, “you’re alright. What’s going on?” He just slides the phone over to show Aaron the message, and he immediately gets it. “I know that must be overwhelming, and we’re in public which can’t be helping.” He glances over at Jack who’s looking worryingly at Spencer, clearly confused. “Why don’t we go back to our place? Jack and I will help you feel better, won’t we, buddy?”

Jack nods at that, pressing himself into Spencer’s side and wrapping his tiny arms around him. “Yeah, we make you feel better.” He reaches up and clumsily brushes a tear away from Spencer’s cheek before kissing it. It makes his heart warm that this is how Jack treats someone sad: he must be emulating the behaviour adults have shown him in these situations, and Jack only ever deserves the absolute best. Especially after losing his mom.

“Thank you,” he whispers, pressing himself closer to Aaron. Every time he’s upset he seems to lose his inhibitions around him, but he can’t help it. He needs the comfort only Aaron can provide, and after denying his starving heart the love and reassurance it's been begging for for so long, he can’t help but indulge himself now it’s finally an option.

They make their way back to the car and Spencer’s in such a haze of confusing emotion the only thing he can really ground himself in is Aaron’s arm wrapped around his waist and Jack gripping his hand on his other side, sending him worried looks. If he had the wherewithal to feel anything other than a deep sense of grief combined with rising panic he’d feel guilty for ruining such a nice day out, but as it stands he’s spared that particular brand of misery.

The drive back to Aaron’s is a little longer than the first journey of the day, but Spencer just clings to the hand Aaron offered him as soon as they got back in the car and tries desperately not to spin completely out of control and start hyperventilating in front of the five year old strapped into his car seat behind him.

Jack is asked to play in his room for a bit once they get home and he obeys, aware of — if not entirely comprehending — the tension in the air. As Spencer sits on the sofa waiting for Aaron to get back with a glass of water, the grief and panic clear a little. He hates himself for the relentless gravity of his depression: the way it pulls down even the brightest of days, the way he can physically feel his insides being sucked downwards into the blackhole of desolation.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Aaron asks gently as he sits next to Spencer on the couch, close enough that their arms are touching. Self-loathing is the only thing preventing him from leaning into his comfort like he did at the museum, like he did in the car. Instead he pulls away and curls himself as small as possible into the corner of the sofa. When Spencer doesn’t reply, Aaron takes a risk. “Do you think you might be so upset because somewhere, deep down, you want to see Derek too?”

He snaps his head up at that, surprised Aaron would say something so blunt and, as much as Spencer doesn’t want to admit it, truthful. After a good few moments of contemplative and patient silence, his thoughts are ordered enough to voice them. “I miss them all,” he admits quietly. “I desperately want to see Derek. But the Derek I left hurt me so much I wouldn’t know where to even start in trying to reconnect with him.”

Aaron nods in understanding from his spot in the middle of the sofa. Spencer longs for this pit of self-loathing to melt away so he can feel confident enough to crawl back across the cushions and share Aaron’s personal space again.

“That makes a lot of sense, Spencer,” he says, resting a gentle hand on his ankle, and it’s such a casual, intimate touch he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He settles on not moving even an inch, lest Aaron pull his hand away. “For what it’s worth, the others have started to piece together why you left. I know they’re all regretting how everything played out, and everyone on the team misses you sorely.”

Spencer ponders that for a moment. He doesn’t know how it makes him feel: it’s nice to be missed, and a sick sort of vindication flourishes in the less savoury side of him at the idea of the others realising the crippling, world-changing pain he’s been in for the last year, right under their noses.

He misses so much about the others, but that’s not new: he’s missed JJ’s hugs and Derek’s teasing and Emily’s friendship for close to a year now. Sitting at his desk in the bullpen next to Derek and Emily’s private bantering, sharing an inside joke he didn’t understand towards the end of his career at the BAU had cut deep, reminding him just how achingly alone he was.

“I don’t know where to start,” he says hopelessly, feeling like he’s repeating himself. Tears spring to his eyes again, spilling down his cheeks relentlessly, as though the second he’d let one fall, they toppled down his face like river water desperate to escape, unsure of when the dam will close again.

Aaron scoots himself over to Spencer’s end of the sofa like he can’t help himself, and this time he lets himself fold into Aaron’s warm embrace. He cries as quietly as possible, but it’s hard when he doesn’t have the energy to do anything other than sob helplessly. He can hear himself; he knows he sounds like a broken, defeated man, but he simply doesn’t have the power to care.

As his sobs start to dry out, he sees that Aaron is crying, too. He’d noticed his wet eyes the last few times he’d cried in his presence as well, and he has no idea how to feel about it. If Aaron is seriously going to cry every time he does, though, then he’d better strap in.

“Why don’t you have a nap?” he suggests, wiping a tear from the sensitive skin under Spencer’s eye so tenderly it makes his heart clench. “Then afterwards, we can think of a way to go about this. Maybe we could start with a short text back. How does that sound?”

Spencer nods tiredly, and lets Aaron help him get into a comfortable position on the sofa. A warm, soft throw is draped over him and Aaron half closes the living room blind, but the day is dark and grey enough already anyway. As he’s falling off to sleep, a hot water bottle is tucked under the blanket and he instinctively curls up against the warmth, but he knows that the real comforting soporific is the man reading quietly in the armchair next to him.

For the first time in a long time, Spencer looks forward to waking up.

Chapter Eight

Rereading Penelope in this chapter when I came to edit it made me want to take a second to recognise all of the unofficial carers out there <3 I've been a carer for both my mum and my grandmother at various times in my childhood and teens, and it's tough going. If you're looking after a friend or a family member, please remember how amazing and wonderful you are, and also remember that it's okay if it's too much, and it's okay if you need to cry or scream or break down. You are still just as brilliant no matter your emotional reaction to what is an exceptionally difficult situation to find yourself in. I love you, and I'm always here to talk to you about this (or anything that comes up in this fic!) <3

If this chapter brought anything up for you, hotlines are in the endnotes of the AO3 version of this fic. Bigger countries are listed and a link is included if you live somewhere else in the world. I love you <3

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @hotchseyebrows @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @marvel-ous-m @oliverbrnch @sbeno22 @aaron-hotchner187 @kuolonsyoja

[inseongsfoxybae]

Now and forever

Pairing: Boyfriend Yoo Taeyang + Female Reader x Best Friend Hwiyoung

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Warnings: Amnesia, mentions of drunkenness, break up

Words: 6,5k

Requested: Hi sunshine! First of all, congratulations on starting your blog and I can’t wait for what you’re going to write😚 Second, if it’s not a bother, as a fellow Fantasy, can I make a request for Hwiyoung? Like where the reader and Taeyang are dating, but the reader had an accident which caused her Amnesia, and then she starts remembering Hwiyoung? And whatever ending you feel is right you can do it🥰 Hope that wasn’t too much to ask for.. Although if that doesn’t bother you can I be🐣 anon? Thanks💖

Author's message: Dear 🐣 anon, I'm so sorry I took that long to deliver your request, but I want to say that it's finally here and I really enjoyed writing it. Hope you like it and feel free to send in a new request when you want. Thank you 😊❤️

P.S: As english is not my mother language, it may contain misspelled. Plus, sorry if there’s any other mistakes :)

Synopsis: Blurry memories and an old friend entered in your life again and now you have to decide where your heart lives: in an beautiful past or in an uncertain future.

A car accident has changed your life forever. Apparently, it was nothing too serious, but the strong impact on your head made you lost your memory completely and the doctors said it could last forever. Since then, the cute boy who has introduced himself as your boyfriend never left your side and, with your parents not being able to take care of you, he was the one responsible for you.

You tried to drive Taeyang away so many times for the past months, but now you finally starting to trust him and accepting his feelings, even if you’re not sure about your own feelings yet. Of course, he never pressured you about anything on your relationship, he just stayed with you and took care of your fragile being. He talks about your favorite things, shows some pictures and videos of your parents, friends and, of course, you too together, so you can know your beloved ones again little by little. 

After several months struggling to back to your normal life, Taeyang finally succeeds in getting you out of the house. On a pleasant saturday morning, he was helping you to prepare some of your favorite dishes for a picnic while hummed sweetly a song he knows you used to love. After all the food is ready, you packed everything and leave your flat to the park right in front your building.

Taeyang found a nice place near the little lake of the park for you to have your first date after a long time, so you both set everything on the blanket and finally were able to spend some quality time together. Taeyang sat down next to you, your knees touching, but he knew he couldn't get closer than this yet, with you still assimilating your feelings and new life. You talked about that beautiful day while eating - the birds singing on the trees, the calm waters of the lake, the sound of children laughing. A little cherry blossom got stuck on your hair and Taeyang took it off delicately and put it on your small hands, using this chance to intertwine your fingers together. You looked up at thim with curious eyes and he whispered a soft “I love you”. 

At that moment, a flash crossed your mind and you suddenly saw a strange face. Startled, you pulled your hands abruptly and your face got pale, your heart pounding hard on your chest. “Y/N, are you okay?”, Taeyang asked worried. “I-I’m okay… I just… I don’t know…”, you looked nervous all of a sudden and Taeyang thought it was about his confession, feeling a little upset. “Don’t worry, Tae. Something weird just passed through my mind, but I’m okay now”, you tried to comfort him. “Did you remember anything?”. “No, it was just a random optical illusion”. ”Are you sure? Wanna go home now?”, he asked started to packed the rest of the food you left. “No, Tae. Seriously, I’m fine. And you promised to take me to a walk on the beach, remember? I still want to go there”, you said holding his hands again. He gave you a little smile and you got all your things and took his car on your way to the beach.

When you get there, the summer breeze blew in your face and you couldn’t suppress a large smile at the feeling of the warm sand underneath your bare feet. Taeyang stared at you fondly and was caught out of guard when you looked at him, his cheeks blushing hard as you laugh at this cuteness. You then pushed him and stuck out your tongue, starting to run away from him. “Catch me if you can, silly!”, you screamed as he started to run behind you. “If I catch you, will you kiss me?”, he screamed back. “Maybe…”, you answered giggling. It gave him strength and, in a blink of a eye, he caught you, hugging you from behind. You both couldn’t stop laughing when he spun you around before turning your body to face him and cupping your cheeks. Your eyes met and he connected your lips in a slow soft kiss but still able to take your breath away while you melt between his arms. 

As soon as you broke away for air and opened your eyes, another image flashed through your eyes with the same strange guy occupying Taeyang’s place in front of you. You suddenly felt dizzy and your vision blurred, almost falling if your boyfriend’s arms weren’t holding you strong. “Baby, what happened?”, Taeyang asked lifting your head. “Tae, I wanna go home now”, you answered breaking his embrace around you. Once you got in your apartment, you told Taeyang to leave you alone. He knew you needed some space and time to process everything, so he just obliged and went home tough he were too worried. You were not rejecting Taeyang, you were just too scared of what’s going on with your mind. “Who is that guy?”, “Why does he insist on appearing right in front of my eyes when I’m with Tae?”. 

When you finally calmed down, hours later, you realized you didn’t say anything about the kiss to Taeyang and immediately text him. 

Y/N: Hi, Tae. I’m sorry for what happened earlier. I think I still need some time to myself. But, please, don’’t worry. It’s not your fault. Hope you understand TT

He answered back right away.

T: Don’t worry with me, Y/N. Are you fine now?

Y/N: Yes, I’m feeling a little better and going to bed now.

T: Okay. You know you can call me anytime if you need something, right?

Y/N: I know, Tae. Thank you <3 Have a good night!

T: Sleep well, Y/N. See you again tomorrow?

Y/N: Sure. Bye :*

Y/N: P.S: I enjoyed the kiss, so don’t give on me yet, okay? ^.^

T: I definitely won’t ;)

~~~~

As days passing by, your strange visions seemed to be even more frequent and clear, like flashbacks of your life before the accident. Although you tried to disguise the discomfort they caused, Taeyang always noticed something was wrong with you and though he was the problem. “Y/N”, he called you one night when you were walking on the park. “Hm…”, you looked at him. “Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”, he asked serious. You froze and your mind went blank. “I mean, we’re always together but it seems like you are so far away from me. You’re super affectionate at times, but change completely one minute later… Tell me what’s wrong so I can help you”, he continued. “Please, Y/N”, he insisted when you didn’t speak a word. 

You couldn’t move a single muscle, your heart bit fast, your breath was heavy and you couldn't manage to say a single phrase. All you could that time was crying, sobbing, falling on your knees in a despair your boyfriend couldn't understand. You felt his strong arms embracing you and leaned in on his warm body, your sobbs causing you to shake hard against him. He guided you to sit on a bench and soothed you with small rubs on your back. When you recovered your breath, you managed to whisper a little “I’m sorry” for him. He just kissed your forehead and stayed quiet. Some minutes later, you start to talk again. “I’m having some flashbacks, Tae. Another guy that I don’t know appears on my mind everytime I’m with you and it scares me a lot”. “Why does it scare you?”, Taeyang tried to be strong and stable, but he was scared too. “I don’t even know... I’m just afraid of who he can be or mean to me”. Taeyang tensed around you, but still managed to hold you tighter. “Don’t think about it too much, okay? And I’m always here with you, so don’t worry”, he said trying to comforting you and himself.

Next morning, you were talking to your mom about these visions trying to get some help or advices.

Y/M: What’s he like?

Y/N: He’s a little shorter than Tae, with a long hair and a gummy smile. Do you know someone like this, mom? 

Y/M: Of course I do, Y/N. His name is Kim Hwiyoung and he used to be your best friend when you were kids. But he just disappeared when you graduated on college. 

Y/N: Why did he go away? And why I never saw a picture of him? 

Y/M: No one know why he ran away nor where he lives now. And he never liked to take pictures, that’s right you probably have nothing with him. But maybe Taeyang can help you to find him now. Ask him.

Y/N: Mom, I can’t ask Tae to look for another guy for me.

Y/M: Why not? It’s not like you’re cheating on him. Go and ask him some help.

Y/N: Fine. I’ll try it.

When your boyfriend arrived at your house later that day, you decided to try it out. “Tae, I need you to take me to someone”, you speak in a nervous whisper. “Of course, baby. Who?”, he answered with a sweet smile. “Kim Hwiyoung”, you revealed and Taeyang froze. “Why him?”, he asked with a dark look after a few seconds. “He’s the one on my flashbacks and my mother said he was my best friend but ran away when we graduated. I need to see him now and try to discover why I’ve been having these visions. Do you know where he lives, right?”. Taeyang couldn’t answer, he barely couldn’t breath. He was nervous and lost in thoughts. Why him? Why now?. “Tae, do you know where Hwiyoung lives?”, you insisted catching his attention again. “No, not anymore”, he finally answered. “Does some of the guys know?”. “I don’t know, Y/N. We don’t talk with him in ages”. “Can you ask them? Please…”, you held his cold hands. 

Taeyang reach out for his phone and called someone. After three lost calls, Chani finally answered. “What, hyung?”. “I need you to do me a favor. Now”, Taeyang talked serious. “What favor?”, Chani asked worried. “You know where Hwiyoung lives, right? Send me his address as fast as you can. I’m waiting for your message”, then he ended the call before Chani could speak anything. A couple of minutes later, Chani sent Hwiyoung’s address and added “Hope you won’t do any shit, hyung”. “Don’t worry. It’s for Y/N”, Taeyang simply answered and turned to you. “I got his address. Let’s go there now and back before nightfall”, he grabbed your hand and pulled you to the door. “Wait, Tae! Give me a time to get ready”, you whined. “Don’t worry, Y/N. I’m going with you and nothing bad will happen”, your boyfriend squeezed your hand. “I know, I’m just… nervous”, you whisper. “C'mon. Let’s get this over, huh?”, you nodded and he opened the door. 

About an hour later, you arrived at a small building and got out of the car. “It’s here”, Taeyang said as you left out a nervous “yes”. He held your hand tight and knocked the door. Some seconds passed till a strange guy open it. “Hello, how can I help you?”, he asked a little surprised. “Hi, we’re looking for Kim Hwiyoung. Is he here?”, Taeyang said politely. “He is. What’s your name?”, at his answer you froze and your heart skipped a beat. “Tell him Yoo Taeyang wants to talk, please”, your boyfriend gave a small friendly smile at the guy. “Okay. You can wait at the lobby. I’ll tell him you’re here”. “Thank you”, Taeyang said and both of you entered the building. The room had a minimalist decoration with some instruments and polaroids hanging on the wall, and some soft music resonated through the doors. “It’s a studio”, you whispered to Taeyang. “Yes, he studied music on college and always wanted his own business. I think he got it”, he answered quietly. “Tae, why do you never talk about him?”, you asked suddenly curious. “I thought he was past. But seems he’s still a threat for us…”, Taeyang was cautious with his words. “Threat? What do you mean?”. Before he could answer, the guy appeared once again. “He’s a little busy now and asked what do you want”, he shyly said. “YAH, KIM HWIYOUNG! DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO TALK TO YOU? IT’S Y/N, YOU FOOL! Y/N IS HERE!”, Taeyang yelled high enough to any person on that building to hear, making you surprised and even more nervous. 

At the mention of your name, on the other side of the closed studio room, Hwiyoung’s heart raced like he just woke up of a nightmare. He immediately got up of his seat and opened the door wide, only to see you standing in front of him after three years, more beautiful than ever. You both were froze, just staring at each other, hearts beating fast and bodies shaking. “I think it’s better if you have some time alone to talk. I’m waiting for you in the car, Y/N”, Taeyang broke the silence and left the building, the tension and old memories being too much for him to bear. “H-hi…”, you tried to start the conversation, but the shocked Hwiyoung just blinked his eyes still not believing it was really you. “Sunbae, won’t you invite this lady to your room?”, the other guy talked for him. “Huh? Ah, okay… Please, ju-just come in…”, Hwiyoung finally spoke, his low voice making you shiver. 

You entered his studio and sat on a small couch on the corner. “Wanna something to drink, lady?”, the guy asked you. “Oh, no… thank you”, you answered and he left, now only you and a standing Hwiyoung in the room. You were feeling very uncomfortable as he didn’t talk anything. “So…”. “Is it really you, Y/N?”, Hwiyoung interrupted you. “Ye-yes, I guess…”, you tried to look fine with that awkward situation. “I knew you had an accident and lost your memory, but do you remember me?”. “I don’t”, you looked at him nervous. “So, why are you here? I know Taeyang would never bring you here for nothing”, Hwiyoung asked finally sitting down on his chair. “I’m… Well... I don’t know exactly what’s going on with me, but...I-I’ve been having flashbacks with you. I mean, I don’t even remember you or our past, but you insist on appear on my mind everytime I’m with Tae...”, you spoke hastily. “So…?”, Hwiyoung seemed to be lost at your words. “So, I’m here to try to figure out what happened. I mean with us, with our friendship. I think it could be the reason of these flashes”, you stared at him waiting for some answers, but nothing came. “I think I can’t help you with that, Y/N. We don’t have anything in common anymore. I’m glad you’re alive and fine, but you shouldn’t see me anymore. I’m sorry”. 

His words hurt you, more than you can expect from a stranger, but you wouldn’t give up so easily. You took a deep breath and started to talk again after some minutes of heavy silence. “Why are you like this? First, you were my best friend and left me and know you don’t even want to tell me why you acted like this?”, you tried to say calmly, but your shaking voice betrayed you. “Past is past, Y/N. You must move on and not remember me”, Hwiyoung words were sharp, and you could see his fists clenching with anger. “Did you do it? Did you forget me?, you asked looking right into his eyes. He sustained the look for some seconds, still quiet, unable to move a single muscle. “No, I didn’t. I tried it in every ways possible, but I never could forget you”, he simply asked an eternity later, sadness waving through his body as the pain of the old memories washed over him. “So why?”, tears now gathering in your eyes. “There was no more space in your life for me, Y/N”, he tried to hold back his tears too. “Why don’t you tell me what really happened?”, you whispered facing your lap. “Do you mind if you talk somewhere else? I need some fresh air.”, Hwiyoung asked cautiously. “No, since you tell me everything I need to know about our past”, you answered and both of you left the building. 

Taeyang was still waiting for you on the street. As soon as he saw you leaving, he came closer and you smiled shyly at him. “Tae, I’m sorry, but I need some time to talk to Hwiyoung. You can go home, I’ll get a taxi when we’re over”, you said reaching for his hands. “I can’t leave you alone with him, Y/N. Let me go with you or let’s go home now”, Taeyang talked serious. “Tae, please. I really need to do this. Now”, you looked deep in his eyes and he simply nodded, his hands moving to the sides of your head. “Call me if you need, okay?”, he pecked your lips and turned to his car, barely locking eyes with Hwiyoung on the way. 

~~~~

You were in a small cozy café near his studio, the smell of coffee and cakes filling the whole place. “Do you know this place?”, Hwiyoung asked you after ordering two cappuccinos. “No. Is it a important place?”, you asked back. “Yeah, we used to come here after our classes and your official first date with Taeyang was here too. Didn’t he tell you this?", Hwi questioned curious. “Oh, really? He never mentioned this place. I wonder why…”, you looked at Hwiyoung who seemed to be a little awkward. “So… Were you and Taeyang friends too? I mean, before you left?”, you encouraged him to talk. “Actually, not. But he was your boyfriend, so he was always around”, he said with a bothered tone. “You never liked him, right?”, you wondered not exactly waiting for an answer. Hwiyoung kept quiet for a moment, only staring at you not knowing what to say. “You love him and that’s all the matter, Y/N”, he finally said and drank his coffee. 

You both continued your conversation for some hours, Hwiyoung patiently trying to answer all your questions, feeling a little comfortable with you after so many years - he talked about your childhood and teenage, but you still couldn't remember a single thing. 

It was already night when you entered your home only to take a quick shower and plopped down on your bed, immediately falling asleep. When you woke up next morning and walked into the kitchen to make your breakfast, there was a small note on your table: “I had to go home earlier. Call me when you got home. YTY”. Holy shit, Tae! You ran back to your bedroom and reached for your phone - 8 missed calls from your boyfriend. You called him, but he didn’t answer, then you sent a message.

Y/N: I’m so sorry, Tae! I got home late yesterday and just fell asleep. Please, don’t be mad at me TT

Some minutes later, Taeyang answers:

TY: It’s okay, bb. I’m relieved you’re safe. Have free time later? We could have dinner together…

Your heart ached a little with his message, but you had to be sincere.

Y/N: Sorry again, but I already have a commitment tonight x.x

TY: Hwiyoung again?

Y/N: Yes… I like to hear him to talk about our youth and I still have to find out why he left… Are you fine with this?

TY: Not really. But I trust you, so I think it’s okay…

Y/N: Thank you, Tae! Now, focus on your work, I don’t want to bother you.

TY: You don’t bother me at all. And meet me in the park when you come back tonight. I’ll wait for you there. 

Y/N; Okay. See you later :*

~~~~

You did had dinner with Hwiyoung that night and spent hours talking and laughing with him. And Taeyang did waited for you in the park, but you didn’t meet him nor even called him. After two hours waiting, he decided to go home, but as soon as he got up, he saw you getting off a taxi with a drunk Hwiyoung holding onto your shoulders. It broke his heart and he couldn’t stand this view anymore, so he turned around and walked home into the cold night. 

Early in the next morning, you woke up with someone knocking at your door. You were surprised when you opened it and saw Taeyang standing there, his features looking tired and upset. “Tae, what are you doing out there? You have the keys!”, you asked pulling him in. “Am I still free to simply enter your house?”, he answered not looking at you, a dark expression on his face. “What do you mean?”, as soon as you closed your mouth, Hwiyoung appears on your living room, still rubbing sleepness off his eyes, freezing when he sees you two at the door. 

Your boyfriend stared at you and you could read anger in his look. “Tae, I can explain…”, you reached for his hands. “You don’t have to do it. I see you had fun last night. He got drunk and you brought him home. You lay him down on your guest room and went to your own bed. I know that you’d never cheat on me. I told you I trust you, Y/N”, he interrupted you moving out your grip on him. “So…?”, you cautiously asked. “A simple call… was everything I needed yesterday. But you didn’t care… No, you just don’t care anymore”, he said moving his gaze to Hwiyoung, his voice full with pain and bitterness. “I… I think it’s my time to go”, your friend spoke nervously. “Please, have a talk and make up your problems”, he grabbed his jacket and shoes and passed over Taeyang who was still standing next the door. “I‘m sorry”, Hwiyoung whispered as Taeyang only clenched his fists. “Bye, Y/N. Thanks for letting me sleep here”. You just nodded and he left. 

You turned to your boyfriend again, his body trembling with anger. “Tae, let’s sit on the couch and talk, okay?”, you said only above a whisper. He walked with you, but sat on the opposite side of the couch. Taeyang stared at his lap, feeling unable to look at you when he was so angry. “Tae, I’m so sorry for letting you down”, you quietly said, but he didn’t respond. “Tae… Please, talk to me”, you whined trying to make him look at you, but he didn’t move a single muscle. You reached out for his hand to slightly touch it. “Say something”, you whispered as he sighed deeply and let go of your hand. “You don’t love me, right?”, he murmured. 

He finally lift his head and looked at you, his eyes full of pain and sadness. You didn’t know what to say and froze while tears started to form in your eyes.”You don’t know it, do you? Don’t know what you feel for me, don’t know if you love me”, his words were like knives striking your heart. “Tae…”, you tried to talk, but he cut you off. “You don’t try to love me, you don’t even care about my feelings for you”, he yelled the last part. At this point, tears were falling freely down your face, but why couldn’t you say anything to deny his accusations? Why didn’t you know how you feel about him? Why was only Hwiyoung on your mind for the past few weeks? “Tae…”, you called out for him, “I… I think I just need sometime…”, you couldn’t say much more as Taeyang only stared at you. “I like you, I want you to be happy, but I just don’t know what to do now”, you cried out. “I’m sorry, Tae… I’m really sorry”, you couldn’t control your tears anymore and sobbed right in front of him. He just nodded painfully, got up off the couch and left, leaving you alone there with your crying. 

You sank into misery and stayed at home all day, trying to control your suddenly sadness and confused feelings. Hwiyoung called you several times, but you just ignored him till you hear a slow knock at your door. It was him, a worried expression on his face. “Why didn’t you answer my calls and messages, Y/N?”, he asked entering your house. You didn’t respond, just staring at him as tears tried to back to your eyes. Seeing your messy state of mind, he put his hands on your shoulders and whispered a sweet “What happened? Where’s Taeyang?”. At the mention of his name, you cried again, holding onto him to not fall. “Y/N…”, he hugged you back. “It’s over, Hwi… I told him I need sometime, but he just left and I know he won’t come back”, you yelled in pain against his chest. “Why am I like this, Hwi? Why is it so painful?”, you desperately asked. “Because you love him, Y/N. You love him now as much as you loved him before. You just don’t know it yet.”, he calmly answered, running his fingers through your hair. 

You broke the embrace and look at him. “How… how do you know that?”. “Because I was there before and saw how you were perfect together. He could be himself next to you and was able to do anything for you. I can say the same from you. You were always happy when you were together, even in the most difficult times. That’s love, Y/N”, he told you with a painful look. “Why do you always talk about him this way if you don’t even like him?”, you were confused. “Only him, Y/N. Because only him can take you away from me”, Hwiyoung couldn’t look into your eyes anymore. “What?”, your hands were shaking. “I love you, Y/N. Since we were teenagers. I love you. But I always knew your heart would never be mine. And when you found Taeyang, I immediately knew I had lost you forever. That’s right I left you”. 

Hwiyoung’s eyes were glued at his lap, fists clenched, shaky voice. You stared at him in disbelief, mouth opened on a little “o”, teary eyes trying to control themselves as your head spun with the truth. “Why?”, you finally asked after some minutes of a deafening silence. “Look at me and say it, Hwiyoung! Why?”, your whole body trembling. He raised his head and talked “Your heart was his, Y/N. It was and it still is. Don’t you see that?”. Now, his eyes were fixed on yours, like looking into your soul. “I don’t... I can’t”, you didn’t even know what else you were talking. “Don’t you love him anymore?, he asked serious this time. “I don’t know, right? I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I don’t know who I am anymore!”, you screamed at the top of your lungs as tears fell down your face again. “If you don’t love him, then kiss me!”, he screamed back and you froze. “What?”, you nervously asked. “Kiss me. If you can’t, then you truly love him”, he replied to your shocked being. “Just try it. Only like this, you’ll know if you love him for real”, he assured you. You nodded unconsciously and cautiously came to Hwiyoung, your bodies getting closer, your faces just inches from each other, your eyes closing slightly. But, suddenly, you stopped, you couldn’t do that. You leaned back swiftly and Hwiyoung just nodded already expected it. You stared at the floor. “Hwiyoung, please… Please, leave me alone. This is so much for me”, you now whispered as he placed a little kiss on the top of your head. “I’ll text you later, okay? Call me anytime if you need”, you didn’t move or talk and he left. Once again that day, you were left alone with your own feelings.

~~~~

Two days had passed and you were going to meet Hwiyoung at a restaurant to clarify some things. “I’m sorry for yelling at you that day”, you sincerely say when you met him. “It’s okay. And I’m sorry for telling the truth like that and for asking for a kiss. I shouldn’t have done that”, he apologized. “No, it’s okay. I would have to know that somehow one day, so… And don’t worry about it”, you answered with a lost look. “Y/N”, Hwiyoung called you. “Did Taeyang contact you?”, he asked carefully, your lost look now sad. “No. He didn’t answer my texts or calls. I guess he really doesn’t want me anymore, right?”, you tried to force a smile, but only tears formed in your eyes. "I'm sorry to hear that, but you shouldn't give up yet. Give yourselves some time and I'm sure everything will be fine", Hwiyoung tried to comfort you and you just hummed in response, but your heart was swallowed in pain. 

You both ate quietly and talked a little more about your past, when your phone buzzed - it was Chani calling you. "Hi, Chani!", you answered trying to look happy. "Hey, noonan! Can you come to the address I'm sending you right now?", he replied worried. "I'm with Hwiyoung now. What happened?". Chani sighed on the other side of the call. "That's right he's like this, then…", he mumbled more to himself that for you. "What's wrong, Chani?", you were getting nervous. "Taeyang hyung is drunk and is making a mess on the pub. He's crying and begging for you. Can you come get him or not? I'm losing my patience with him", he answered visibly annoyed. "Oh my God. Okay, I'm coming. Send me the address and wait till I get there", you rushily replied gathering your purse. "What happened?", Hwiyoung asked when he saw your despair. "Taeyang is drunk and needs me right now", your breathless said. "Okay, calm down. I'll take you there", you nodded and you both paid the bill and left the restaurant. 

When you arrived at the pub, Chani had finally controlled Taeyang, who was (almost) sleeping on the counter. You approached him and softly touched his shoulder. "Tae, let's go home, huh? It's late and you need to rest", you whispered. "I'm not going anywhere without my girl", he messily murmured as tears were forming in the corner of your eyes. "Tae, it's me. Y/N. I'm your girl", you replied trying to hold back your crying. Taeyang opened his eyes and raised his heard when heard your name. "Y/N? Why are you here? You don't want me anymore. Leave!", he was almost screaming but his eyes were full of despair and tears. "I'm here to take you home, Tae. Please, let me take care of you tonight, huh?", you insisted, your tears starting to fall. Your boyfriend continued protesting and struggling to stay on his feet, but after some minutes you and Chani could finally support him on your shoulders and dragged him for his car. Meanwhile, Hwiyoung observed everything from a distance, going unnoticed when you left. 

On the way home, Taeyang fell into a heavy sleep and you and Chani could talk. “Why did you left him? It’s not because of Hwiyoung, is it?”, Chani asked looking at you. “Not exactly. I needed sometime to think and understand what I feel for him. Hwiyoung only was there at the wrong time, I think”, you replied looking away from him. “And did you come to any conclusion now?”, he insisted. “Yes”, you simply answered and faced him. He could read the truth in your eyes and understood you. “I’m glad you already know it, ‘cuz I can’t stand him crying on my ears every time saying he loves you and wants you back”, Chani laughed a little. “Did he tell you that?”, you asked curious. “Of course, every single time since you broke up. He came to my place and cried all day long”, he continued. “Why?”, you wonder. “He loves you, noona. He really loves you. And I think you should tell him the same now that you know how you feel”, he looked at you again waiting for an answer, but you were lost in thoughts, your hands shanking and tears slipping through your face. Then, you stayed quiet till you got your home. Chani helped you to take Taeyang to your apartment and lay him on your bed. “Tell him, noona”, it was his last words before he left you alone with a drunk sleepy Taeyang. 

You looked at your worn out boyfriend with guilty eyes, took off his jacket and lay beside him on bed. You snuggled to him and reached out his face with one of your hands, caressing his still wet cheeks and beautiful features. You could feel your heartbeat increased and all the love you’ve felt for him finally showed up, coaxing you to softly kiss his cheek and hold his hand on his chest. “I love you, Tae… I'm sorry for taking so long to realize this”, you whispered. You didn’t know if he heard you or not, but he squeezed your hand a little and let out a small sigh fall from his ips. You smiled a little and got even closer to his body, both of you calm heartbeats lulling you to sleep. 

When Taeyang woke up in the morning, the space beside him on bed was empty, but he still could feel your warmth and your sweet scent on your sheets, pillows and on his shirt. A small note was on the blanket next to him and he read your little message: Meet me at the park tonight. I’ll be waiting for you. On the nightstand beside him, there was another note: I made you breakfast - it’s on the kitchen table. Don’t forget to eat it ^.^. He got up and walked to the kitchen where his favorite food was resting. On top of it, there was one more note: I have to resolve some things now. Hope to see you tonight. 

~~~~

You met Hwiyoung at the park that afternoon, the same place where you had your first flashback. You both walked for a while before you stopped near the little lake. “It was here where I saw you for the first time after the accidente. I mean, on my mind”, you told him and sighed. “And now? Are you feeling something different?”, he asked looking at the water. “No. I just see two friends admiring a lake”, you simply said and he chuckled. “What?”, you asked. “Nothing… What’s the next place you want to take me?”, he inquired. Your next destination was the beach, where you saw him for the second time. “And here? Is something different?”, he wondered. “Yes”, you murmured. “My first kiss with Taeyang after the accident was here, but you appeared on my mind right after it”, you chuckled slightly. “Oh, no. I’m sorry”, he laughed too. 

“Hwiyoung”, you called out for him. “Yeah?”. “I understand everything now. I mean, I still don’t know the reason of those flashbacks, but I know it brought you to me one more time, it gave us a second chance…”, you stopped and he hummed for you to continue. “... but also this time it’s Taeyang. As you said, I love him, I always loved him, and he’s my choice now just like he was then”, you stared at him with hopeful eyes as he stayed quiet. “But there’s a difference now”. He looked at you. “What?”. “Taeyang knows you like me, right? That’s right he doesn’t like you either”, you asked. “Yes, I told him before I left. But where’s the difference?”. “The difference is that I know that now too. And it means you don’t have to leave this time”. “I don’t understand, Y/N”. “We finally know what we feel for each other and it’s time for us to learn how to live with that and move on. We still can be friends now that we understand ourselves and we don’t have to say goodbye anymore. You’re my best friend, Hwi, and I love you. Please, stay”, you were looking deeply into his eyes as you can read a sparkling light shining on them. “I’m staying. I promise”, you both smile with his anwer and hugged to seal up your promise.

~~~~

Later that day, you were back to the park in front of your home, waiting for Taeyang this time. You hadn’t spoken all day and you were not sure if he would show up. Even so, there was you, patiently waiting for your boyfriend to come. One hour has passed. Two hours. And you were still there, already thinking he was mad and didn’t want to see you. You were walking through the park to keep warm when you saw a familiar figure next the lake, looking directly at you. You took some steps in his direction as he did the same in yours. “Tae! I thought you wouldn’t come”, you said when you were close enough from each other. “I wouldn't. But a certain threat told me you were here waiting for hours. And I had to see this beautiful image with my own eyes”, he told you and you both smiled. “I guess we have to thank this great threat, huh?”. “Nah…”, you laughed. “So, why do you bring me here?”, Taeyang asked. “I have something to tell you”, you said -  and it took by surprise how confident you were. “Well, tell me then. I’m all ears”. “Can I hold your hands before I talked?”, your words were careful this time, but he nodded and you could feel his warm hands on your again. 

You took a deep breath and start. “After all this time, I didn’t remember a single thing about my past, Tae, and it somehow scares me. But now, more than ever, I know I have you by my side. And I’m sorry for not realizing it before, but I do now. Yoo Taeyang, my Tae, I love you. I loved you then, I love you now and I’ll love you forever. So, please, I hope you still want me and still love me, ‘cuz I finally realize I can’t live without you anymore”, you told him with teary eyes and heart beating strong against your chest. Taeyang only stared at you for some moments, processing all what you had said, till he tightens his grasp on your hands and brings them to his chest, where his heart was pounding as hard as yours, and opens the brightest smile you’ve even seen. “I love you too, baby. Then, now and forever”, he finally spoke and pulled you closer to kiss you passionately. 

After that, you both went home to cuddle together till sleep in each other’s arms. 

~~~~

Y/N never recovered her memory, but she learned how to live the present without fearing the future. She and Hwiyoung remained friends. And Y/N and Taeyang built their family and stayed together till their last breath. 

[heartate-aa]

first of all. let me start by saying this.

there is no place for hatred of any kind in this community, or any community for that matter. no racism, no transphobia, no homophobia, nothing.

i think it’s important to recognize that there’s a time and place for everything, be it certain discussions amongst certain people or whatever. i think it’s extremely important to recognize that for a good majority of the time, it’s not our job to police the language that someone chooses to use when speaking about themselves. that being said, that doesn’t take away from the fact that the language in use can still be distasteful and harmful, and that’s an important sentiment to express. it is also so important to recognize that just because you are ok with using that language, even if you’re not using that language as a blanket statement to necessarily everyone, it doesn’t make it any less offensive. but again, if it’s not our place or right to police their personal use of it, it’s not something that should be squashed with harsh language, and instead i think it warrants better conversation to discuss the harm rather than be harsher about it. but i do agree that like ... usage of certain offensive languages just ... maybe shouldn’t be done publicly because not everyone will take kindly to it and of course people will be upset. there’s no getting around that. but there’s no room for anon hate or adding fuel to the fire, especially publicly and making a big mockery of things, you know? it doesn’t solve anything.

i don’t agree with any kind of witch hunt and callout culture in general. it’s so important to callout people who are genuinely vile and abusive and toxic, and sometimes it’s such a hard line to define when it comes down to whether or not you should bring something out publicly or resolve it quietly. i see both sides of this and i sympathize with everyone’s sentiments. i feel so anxious and nervous because . . . i just want to write quietly and vibe with everyone and i adore everyone who’s “opposite” to this situation and i would like to remain on good terms with everyone. i don’t feel as if it should be an issue because i’m not going to go out of my way to force everyone to cross paths and interact with people they don’t want to interact with.

i don’t like being made to feel as if i’m under obligation to choose a side when it’s not my personal involvement, and that doesn’t make me complicit or enabling in anyone’s behavior. it isn’t my business and i will not stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. that being said, if i was witness to friends being shady or doing something gross, i will absolutely check them on it.

i’ve been so quiet because i really really really hate the sentiment that comes across as a huge guilt trip of “if you don’t rb this you’re part of the problem” when i am not involved, and i’m sure this is something many others feel too. it’s guilt trippy and extremely anxiety inducing and it feels really awful and makes me feel so guilty when i shouldn’t, because i’m not, and others are not, burying their heads in the sand. we’re not ignoring the issue. i feel for everyone involved so deeply and i’m so sorry that this is something that you guys are enduring and have endured for so long, and i feel especially for those who have been dragged into this despite being uninvolved and i hope that you find a way to relax and take time to yourself because you deserve it. but truly. the guilt tripping statements like “if you don’t rb this you’re enabling this” is NOT the move. because i think i can say this for a lot of us that we would check our friends if they said or did something that was fucked up and that we’d stand up to toxicity. please, when you’re trying to call anyone to action for any reason, please do not use language like this. it’s guilt trippy. it’s anxiety inducing. i know that there’s no ill intent behind it, but the way it comes across isn’t great and i think there’s other ways to express the need to share things that are important.

i think i can speak for most of us when i say that the majority of us here do not agree with grossness like transphobia and bullying and witch hunts and abuse and general toxicity. just because we don’t necessarily involve ourselves, doesn’t mean that we don’t see it or that we agree with the nastiness that’s occurring. i will never stand for abuse or bullying and any kind of gross toxicity. and if i run into someone who’s nasty, or if i’ve been warned about someone and i use my discretion to tread with caution, it’s not because i’m ignoring the warnings or enabling them, i’m trying to make my own decisions and if it turns out that yikes, jeez, they’re a bad apple after all, i’ll have learned my lesson you know.

it’s ok to block people. the point of the internet is to curate your own personal experience and make it comfortable and best suited to your needs. you should not feel guilty for blocking anyone. you should not feel guilty for standing up for yourself and your friends and creating the best environment for all of you, and most especially yourself. in a world as crazy as the one that we live in, it’s so important to take care of ourselves and find our happiness, and for a lot of us, that’s tumblr rp and weaving together beautiful stories with one another. this community has been really beautiful, but it also has its occasional bouts where it just ... doesn’t feel as great. i think a lot of the issues people have can be solved with conversations, perhaps mediated by neutral and unbiased parties if that makes it easier, but i digress.

i just. really hate to see people hurt and see people upset and fighting one another, especially when it’s amongst friends or people who were friends. disagreements happen. we can’t all get along. and no we shouldn’t enable toxicity or gross language or anything nasty. we should absolutely take initiative to act on that and check the people around us, because hey, maybe some people don’t really realize how insensitive something is until it’s expressed to them. i think people are capable of learning and changing and growing.

i want to get along with everyone. i don’t want to feel like i’m being forced to choose between my friends or mutuals that i adore. i just want to enjoy myself here with everyone. i don’t want to be made to feel bad just because i talk to someone who doesn’t like someone else, you know?

anyway. i’m sorry this is so long. i doubt anyone has read this far because i really wrote a fucking book here i just. had so many feelings that i’ve been sitting on all day and it just. got out of hand. adhd rambling and all. i’ll delete this whenever.

please be kind to one another. there is no room for hatred here. i don’t care if you dislike someone or don’t get along with someone. i hate that tumblr preaches about positivity and being kind and then we don’t take our own advice. we never know what someone has going on, and even if you disagree with someone, there’s no place for hateful language or sending anons or whatever. be kind. we can’t all get along and be friends and i know it’s hard to just. ignore people. and we shouldn’t have to be in a place where we even need discussions like this because most of us are adults and we should know how to act and talk to and treat people.

to everyone, be kind to yourselves most of all. i love everyone here, i really do. i feel for everyone deeply and i’m here if you need someone to talk to or game with or chat about plots with, or whatever. take a breather if you need it. please take care of your health! i don’t want anyone to be hurt more than they already are in this time, and the world is difficult enough as it is, and we don’t need our hobbies to become burdens.