#please dont eat me alive im just tired of this being ignored

[ultimateloserboy]

this is a bit out of nowhere but id like to share my opinion on the dhmis pilot because i feel like there’s something important to say here.

Becky and Joe don’t want it to be found. They’ve made it clear multiple times that they HATE it and tried to scrub its existence. I need you all to understand that digging it up could not only get you in legal trouble with the company that funded it— but could also completely disrespect the boundaries of the artists! I never see anyone discussing that point and I feel it needs to be said.

Yes, it was shown at a festival ONCE! the creators consented to people watching it that ONE time. But keep in mind you were not one of those people. Does it suck to be left out of the club? sure! but the creators hate the fact that anyone saw it in the first place!

I understand there’s curiosity, and I especially understand wanting to know how it ends considering we’ve already seen some of it— but maybe there’s a reason people have to speed and edit the video until it’s unrecognizable! maybe theres a reason you have to sneak into secret discords to find recordings! maybe it’s because the creators don’t want anyone else to see it!

I love to pirate shit, I love digging up lost media, I love referencing the pilot in my art— but I feel this is disrespectful at times. If becky and joe dont give us the pilot themselves— which I’ve also wished for I can’t lie!— then I don’t believe we should look for it.

If there is a full recording, in my opinion I don’t think it’s respectful to look for it. Too many of us have ignored becky and joes boundaries on this and I feel like some of you are looking just because you can.

I need you to realize: these are real people and this is their art. If they don’t want to show it to you— it’s not owed to you!

I’m not saying this out of malice or anger, I’m saying it for everyone including myself. We get so lost in the media we love that we forget it’s made by real people who have every right to hide it from us. Becky and joe often let us get away with everything and i feel it’s our responsibility to NOT take advantage of the kindness they treat us with.

Please leave wakey wakey in the dark for now. It’s where they put it and it’s not ours to touch. There’s no point in feeling guilt or ignoring what we’ve already seen— but i disagree on finding more.

[laineystein]

Hey and feel free to ignore, but I'm so tired. I'm tired of having me driveway being covered in free Palestine shit and I'm tired and being yelled at in the streets and Im tired and opening up what is supposed to be an escape and seeing so much hate. And when I get like this, I scroll the accounts that I know and think about the soldiers fighting for our people and I connect with the people in my community and I am not happy, but for a moment the heavy burden that has become a part of my life is split and carried by others, while I carry a piece of their's. So thank you for being a bright spot on the internet, thank you for fighting, and thank you for just being alive and a jew. And while we're here, I am EXTREMELY jealous that you live in Israel and I dont, so please eat all the fantastic food thats there for all the diaspora jews lol (seriously I've been to Isreal and the only reason I dont gain and crap ton of wait is because of the hills that seem to plague all of Israel)

I’m sorry you’re so tired. The Jews, collectively, are tired. This isn’t easy for any of us. But that’s the comfort, that we’re all going through different aspects of the same trauma.

I hope things get better for all of us soon IYH 🧿

[embers-burning-bright]

deleted tumblr off my phone last night only to boot it up again on my desktop and remember Exactly Why i deleted it

[hobwithluv]

:///

[p1nkwitch]

The actual conversation this time @nonbinaryeye

Almost there.

Your name is PETER LUK-

No, we are not doing this.

Peter sits in Oliver's land overseeing what he has to do, Annabelle was very specific about it, and the amount of time he would have before things get out of hand, once he uses the needles to scratch that thing, is counted.

Still he stalls, swinging his legs back and forth just appreciating the view from his spot. Peter feels truly nothing right now, not about his impending death or anything in particular. He is stalling because there is one thing left he has to do and he is wondering if he will do it.

From under his shirt he takes out the necklace with all of their wedding rings, he stares at it a little bit, before he dangles it over the edge of the building. The world is quiet and muffled, like it has never been before.

Peter thought that he knew forsaken well, being raised for it, but here it was even more intoxicating. He recalls vaguely Elias explain to him that because the amount of living creatures in the game is so small compared to the earth, and some of the things that live here are not developed enough to fear most of what their entities represent, they started to feed more from them while at the same time amping up their powers.

That plus their fight with the horrorterrors above made them more dangerous.The game was collapsing from the force of the supernatural things that followed them trying to survive by messing with it from the inside.

Finally what Annabelle said came to mind too, that they would be bringing them too in their trip to the new session. Peter thinks that it makes no sense. If they were getting so bad here, would it not make sense to drop them to die while they ran? Not that he would want to exist without forsaken by his side, god's no, he would rather burn on this planet than to do that, he wouldn't even know what to do.

Still those are all thoughts for those who like to overthink and speculate, he merely wants to see the place a little before death, his grip on the necklace slackens, but he doesn't drop it yet.

He cant.

Because there is one last thing he has to do before that.

FORSAKENTUNDRA started pestering WATCHERSCROWN and BEATINGHEART

FT: Hello

WC: THERE YOU ARE!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW??

BH: Peter what the everloving hell!! Where were you?! How could no one find you!!!!

FT: Did Annabelle and Simon get there yet?

WC: DO NOT IGNORE ME PETER LUKAS OR SO HELP ME

BH: No, you three are the only ones missing , we haven't seen Simon since yesterday when he teleported out of the meeting. What is going on??

WC: You reached God Tier!!

FT: I did and no thanks to you, considering you pretty much left me for dead after your archivist killed me. Anyways, they will tell you, once they get there I'm supposed to start this whole thing.

FT: Hopefully it all ends soon.

BH: End what soon? Peter?? We did try to find you, but you were gone!

WC: Peter what did Annabelle tell you? Whatever she said is merely manipulation. You should know better, that's how she got all of us to play in the first place!

FT: She didn't lie, in fact she was right in what she told me.

FT: You are all so busy trying to stop it, but it's sort of pointless at this rate. The entities messed it all up beyond repair, maybe if we were quicker and didn't take so long it would be a different story, but as it stands.

FT: We are kind of doomed.

WC: You are not being funny.

FT: I wasn't trying to be.

BH: Peter even still there aren't any other choices to be done.

FT: There is, you should know it, that's your entire point after all. Be a guide and all that. What would have happened to you? If we won? Do you split up and I get my cat back and you go back to being a dusty old corpse in the basement of the institute?

FT: Ah If only, but it doesn't work like that does it? No, i'm stuck with the lesser and fake version of one regency bastard. Your only charm is that you remind me too much of my cat to want to get rid of you.

BH: …..

WC: Peter what the bloody hell is wrong with you-?!

FT: Not much. Anyways I just wanted to have the last word for once in our marriages.

FT: So shut the fuck up Jonah.

WC: !!!!

FT: You were the worst thing that could happen to me. Made me lonely? Sure, but not worth the effort, not worth the years of dealing with your brand of power, perhaps you think the same of me and that's.. that's actually right. Better even.

FT: You know, i actually thought that i loved you? In whatever capacity there was for us to have that. We fought, we split up, we made up and made out. Rinse and repeat.

FT: There were a few good things true, but now I realize that out of the two of us, you were always the one with the advantage, which was unfair. Let's say this is the last divorce, no papers no nothing, albeit it probably would be more akin to becoming a widow. Enjoy the new world.

WC: What the HELL?!

FT: Im throwing away the rings, i can't bring myself to care anymore.

WC: Peter I don't care what the hell is wrong with you, the moment I see you I'm breaking your spine on sight. What do you think you are playing at here huh? Oh look at you throwing a temper tantrum, if you could take your head out of that bloody fog of yours it would be delightful! But unfortunately you are the single handedly more dense human on this rock.

WC: Do i need to spell out to you, how much you are being an unreasonable ungrateful, dumpster fire of an avatar?!

BH: Elias

WC: Do i need to remind you who you are speaking with and what i will do once i find you? I'm going to shove so many memories of people into your thick head.

BH: ELIAS

WC: WHAT!?

FT: I hate you.

FT: No, that would mean I care about you still, no I don't care about you anymore i'm finally at the place i should be and i'm finally getting what i always dreamed off. You can both shove off to the new session once im done with this and fuck off to go and get another stupid idiot to serve you. I pray you have the decency to pick someone not from my family if they exist in the new earth.

FT: But i doubt it, you are a terrible creature and so am i, but i think that out of the two of us at the very least i was loyal, something you could never be. Do you know why I died by your archivist? I refused to answer what your plan about him was.

FT: You told me to help you while you were dying to reach your quest bed and I did, you wanted me to replace you and look after the institute I did. We made bets and games, but ultimately I always did what you asked. And I know you would never do the same, you just can't, because you don't want to.

FT: Im tired of this little stupid game between us, it has gone for too long and it has no winner. I'm tired of you. I have never mattered to you beyond what i could offer and that was fine, but then it wasnt and yes.

FT: I got jealous of your stupid sprite. That finally made me realize the truth, i dont matter and i never did. Not to you or anyone, so for that i shall thank you. You finally made me reach true loneliness.

FT: But still, even then that feeling has sort of faded away by now too, a lot of things faded away really. If you could be kind enough to do me one favour, it would be to tell Martin that it would all go to him once this is over, the forsaken will cling to him next if I'm gone. Maybe it just eats him, it would serve his boyfriend right for killing me first.

FT: I don't care about you Jonah, not anymore. Either of you. Please do not contact me ever again, albeit i wont be alive much longer for you to try to.

FORSAKENTUNDRA is offline.

WC: Peter come back here now! How- HOW DARE YOU??

[thirsthourdemon]

What makes ‘us’ us.

Includes: Tendou x reader, platonic!shiratorizawa x reader

Genre: Monster!Au, fluff, angst if you want it to be, smut

Warning: Discrimination, sexual acts, mentioning of sexual scenes, mentions of prostitution, violence

Summary: When a mysterious girl appears before the shiratorizawa vbc claiming to be a monster it almost sounds like bullshit but as weird as it sounds they really were taking in a whole new member that seems out of the ordinary.

A/N: This was something I’ve wanted to try for a while. I love monsters btw HAHAHAHA If ya’ll haven’t noticed yet. Beasts, monsters, aliens. I love em. They’re just so cool! Anyways...Please enjoy because I cried a few times to finish this 😔

“King?” You stare blankly at the tall olive haired male. He appeared to be a king of some sort. His presence was so authoritative and commanding that it would be weird for him not to be a king. “Wakatoshi-kun? Who’s this~ oh ho ho~” The red haired monster??? It appears to be an Akao. A rare sight for an akao to talk to a human but you knew that you should take any chance you get. The red monster...Seemed to approach the human king??? They both stared at your shivering almost naked body. “I dont know. I just saw her beside the locker room” olive haired person responded, trying to stand up you walked up to the one with ruby hair. “A-a...re? Y...you...like me?” You tried reaching your hand out to him. However once your hand has collided with his skin your body had quickly shifted back to your original form. Big pointed ears, three eyes, ridiculously long hair with light peach like skin. They were both shocked and took a step back. “Huh?! I cant glow like that and get wings, right wakatoshi-kun?” The ‘wakatoshi’ king nodded and confused you cocked your head to the side.

“Y-you’re a monster! Like me!” You point out to the ruby head. “That’s enough” the ‘wakatoshi’ spoke up ,though the tone of his very much like a king to his subjects, and due to the fright you immediately turned back to your old ‘human’ like form. “What are you? Who are you and why have you come here? Answer us” his commanding voice made you fearful so quickly you provided the answers to his questions.

“I-Im...a...momoshi. A peach angel in the english language. We’re monsters and we are drawn to mate with other monsters called Akao. A red king. Y-You had a red king here so I...” You stare at the ruby boy again.

“A-a monster? Like in manga???” The suspected Akao speaks beside the human king. You couldn’t wait any longer! You had to get his seed before time run out. Even if you had to beg for it. “Oh great akao! Please! Please mate with me! My time will run out soon! I need to bear your seed!” “Haaa?!” He was confused as he looked back to the human king.

Oh of course! The human king was keeping the Akao! You had to ask permission first! “Magnificent human king! Please allow me to mate with your Akao! I promise to return him once I am filled with his seed!” Exclaiming excitedly. You were sure that he would agree however he was only showing you the human facial expression of confusion. The sound of human foot steps draw near, all you could do was hide behind the red king. “T-tendou-san, who is behind you?” Another tall human appears with a few others. One you’ve noticed seemed to be a prince?

“Prince tomu?” You came out of your hiding spot, barely clothed except a sheer piece of cloth to cover your south. “Oh~ Tsutomu! You know her?” The humans looked at him with anticipation for his answer however it seems like everyone was even more startled with you had quickly kissed the ‘prince’ with such minimal clothing on.

“I-I umm...I...I dont! I...ughhh...” The prince was almost as red as the akao’s hair but you did not understand that. Normally the princes and kings greeted that way?

Everyone was left with confusion, little to no answers, a very red tsutomu, a naked girl that was supposed to be a “monster” and boners from seeing the beautiful being who appeared out of no where.

—————————-

A few days of being taken in by the “Volleyball” team of shiratorizawa, and you had grown attacked to the ‘human king’ ushijima-san and your hoping-to-be red king mate tendou-san though he did offer the nickname tori you didnt want to seem rude to a red king. Tendou and everyone else in their “Volleyball” team kept on explaining to you that tendou was human but you knew an akao when you saw one. You were not easily fooled. Despite your ignorance to the information satori decided to let you stay with him at their dorm until you’re ready to go.

Letting you stay was just a step though. Their curiosity was so strong that subtly they had decided to study you.

Slowly enough they learned more about you through your movements.

You were really soft and you emitted a peach-summer scent whenever your body thought it was necessary. For example, you being all alone with tendou. This scent however was also an aphrodisiac as it was mostly emitted during mating but considering these people were more or less humans they didn’t really feel the way the air would seem warmer in these instances.

“Y/N” you cocked your head as tendou looked at you straight in the eye. “That’s your name for now. Y/N.” His highness said all the while they were getting ready to go to school.

They weren’t really surprised at your little habits anymore though.

You kissing them on their way out was still weird but

you had to explain to them that it was mandatory to greet kings that way! Them not wanting to offend you they just offered to be kissed like a peck instead. As you pecked both of them out carefully you took off the ‘clothes’ they lent you. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable here...

The beds were a bit tight due to you sleeping beside tendou.

The food was always ‘cooked’? What was ‘cooked’? Apparently it was putting the food on fire? It was such a weird concept. Why would you do that to fresh meat?! Meat is best eaten fresh in your opinion. You didn’t really like this place all that much due to how strange it was but you had to mate with that strange red king! Morphing into your natural form you start picking at your wings. Made of pure energy and hard like platinum. What time would they come back this time?

————————-

Waiting for them felt like forever, honestly. Closing your eyes and curling up on the floor you felt your forms glitch between each other.

Soon...if you didn’t mate thats all you would ever be...a defective. A glitch. A virus. The village would never take you back like that and this human world would only leave you to rot.

Momoshis were never appreciated in this world. Only used for the pleasures of man.

“I...have to...be worthy to s-sta...y...alive...” sleep talking tendou was figuring how to pick you up, your form was glitching. He’d seen in before but he would always be there to take care of it though. “You are worthy, Y/N...”

The ruby haired boy knew exactly what it felt like to be a monster too. Growing up almost everyone would regard him as one. The constant struggle of being so strong yet so weak everyday. Taking the perfect moment to kiss your lips to wake you up so you could transfer to the bed. He just whispered you some instructions and went to the bathroom to freshen himself up.

What he didnt expect when he came back was for you to be in your original form, teary eyed, wings drooping, your peach scent oozing from behind you and your trembling legs. “My king...please...” you pleaded feeling your instincts eat up all sense of rational thought you had.

Begging and grovelling. Your eyes turn into a certain shade of pink while your flustered cheeks inch towards the beautiful akao. “I-im...al...ready prepared...” quick to show your bare back and almost.

Key word: Almost. Almost showing him your dripping wet sex.

Foiling your plans however was credited to the human king, himself. He only stared and went straight to the bathroom. “Ehem~ Y/N, lets get you back on your feet yeah? You even took off your clothes again.” “I...I...just... need to be worthy please...” those cold teardrops travel down your pretty cheeks. Your sobs could be heard throughout the whole room and only a had to your back rubbing circles were used to make you feel safer.

“You are worthy. You’re a monster, thats easy for you. I was called a monster when I didn’t want to...” he pauses when you lift up your head, slowly morphing back to your human form.

“Humans are scarier” you tried to laugh through your nervousness.

“We are, aren’t we? But monsters are only monsters because we couldn’t understand you...Monsters aren’t all that scary once you get to know them, no?~” he looks at you with the same warmth he had the moment he asked if he could take you in. The same warmth that you feel whenever you fell asleep beside him. The same warmth when he talked to his friends.

“Platinum like wings, weird facial features, left handedness...those are what makes ‘us’ Us, Y/N” Ushijima butts in. Your eyelids heavy and body tired. They both hoist you up with their arms making sure to handle with care. As you lay on satori’s bed the two exchanged a look.

We have to protect them.

Taglist: @janellion @my-mass-hysteria @anianimol

[feelin-woozy]

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy. Happiness seems so fleeting for me. I'll do really well for a few months only for shit to come crashing down and that emptiness to take up space in my chest again. Doesn't seem to matter how much therapy I have, or how medicated I am, that emptiness never ceases for long. But by all means, I have no reason to be depressed. Everything in my life is good, a loving partner, a healthy home life, im doing well in school etc. Everything is good but I just have this gnawing numbness that eats away at me because my fucking brain wants me dead.

Its not even a self destructive rage anymore. Its just empty and that feels worse to deal with. I dont have an outlet for the numbness. At least with anger you can destroy yourself and get some feeling out of that. And for that, I almost miss being manic because you feel so alive. Even if I did a lot of shitty things I regret now, its a helluva drug.

Idk im just tired of life and tired of going through these dysthymic motions not knowing when or if I'll ever get better. Anyways, ya boy is mentally ill please ignore these ramblings. I couldn't figure out how to do a read more on mobile.

[imnotcameraready]

chivalry is dead (19 [INTERMISSION 2])

A/N: cut to me rubbing my little fly hands together — i am SO excited to get this ball started that i’m literally boutta post 2 chapters, so bear with me here ,., also, posting them now because i’ve gotta go to work at around 11 and then dont wanna do posting/edits at like, midnight lmao 

bc that’s when im just gonna. keep writing., im so excited for this arc y’all im literally shaking

WARNINGS: massive descriptions of disassociation, being lightheaded, mentions of being dehydrated, mentions of not eating, threats of being pushed down the stairs, bandage mention ig? — i think that's all on this one!!!

Words: 1181

AO3 link!

MASTERPOST! <– look here!! for the longterm warnings!! including sympathetic Deceit and cursing/swearing!

enjoy !!! <3 <3 <3 <3 

“You’re in my world now, not your world~”

“Why are there so many stairs?”

“And I’ve got foes on the other side~”

“Wait, that’s not the lyric.”

“Sit down at my table~”

“.....Fine.”

“Put your mind at ease~”

“I put a spell on you~”

A small, tired laugh. “If you relax, it will enable me to do….”

“And now you’re mine~!”

“...Anything I please. I can read your future~”

“Be prepa-ared!”

“I can change it ‘round some, too~”

“Trust in me~”

More laughter. “Ironic.”

“Fuck off or I’ll drop you down the stairs. You started it!”

“I know, I know. It’s all almost done. I only hope Thomas is-I hope he’s okay.”

“Eh, who gives? He’ll be fine soon enough, don’t worry your bandages off. Come on, your gown is waiting.”

Thomas flicked his feet left and right, watching the television while paying absolutely zero attention while laying on the couch upside down. After failing to summon the Sides that morning, he’d gone to watch television, and found himself rewatching The Office again in a semi-binge state. It’d take a solid four days to watch it all but it wasn’t like Thomas had the motivation or drive to do anything else, despite the looming deadline on the new video’s script.

On any other day, he’d be able to hear Virgil screaming at him, Roman rushing around with ideas, butting heads with Logan over rewrites and edits. Patton’d pop in with some supportive words and an offer to make dinner sometimes.

But now? Now he wasn’t getting anything. It was as though all of his sides had clocked out at once — even Deceit and Remus weren’t delivering input. And whatever was holding back any of the other Sides he had (because, lets face it, Thomas had no idea how many Sides there were in total, especially not after Remus’ introduction) wasn’t letting up. So, using every ounce of deductive reasoning he had left, Thomas figured that he just. No longer had a personality.

The more he thought about that, though, the more he considered how irrational that would be. But he didn’t care enough to believe a separate reasoning? And didn’t have the focus, creativity, or capacity to think of a different explanation.

So, The Office. 

He had been sitting on this couch for upwards of twelve hours. Probably bordering on sixteen to seventeen hours, but he couldn’t count. It was long past sunset outside, perhaps the stars were out. 

An empty pizza box was sitting on the couch beside him. At least he had the common sense to eat one meal — an extra large pepperoni meal, but a meal nonetheless.

What the heck was happening?

The phone on his chin, balanced there out of boredom a few hours ago, buzzed and nearly fell off. 

Thomas’ hand smacked up to it, causing his phone to fall and hit his nose. That caused a chain reaction of him falling over, first sideways onto the couch, then rolling off the couch all together and onto the floor. 

So much for “nothing happening.” Thomas groaned as he pushed himself up onto his elbows and grabbed his phone, which had slid beneath the table. 

He flicked it on.

JOAN —> IMG0492.JPG

Ah. Thomas squinted and opened it. 

It was a Sanders Sides meme, one of the new templates. He covered his mouth and snorted with laughter, shaking his head. 

Another text from Joan dinged.

JOAN —> you alive? you missed prime coffee shop writing hours

Oh, heck. Thomas mentally chided himself. He and Joan were going to hunker down at a cafe and hash out the new script today to get it done before the deadline. Of course he forgot, like an absolute doofus. 

He began typing out a response. The thought of lying flitted through his mind, the excuse of being “out of it” wasn’t exactly the best reason. He thought for a second but he couldn’t even think of an adequate lie. Wow. Even Deceit had clocked out. Thomas probably should have tried to summon him, now that he thought about it. A little past time, but, oh well.

Alright, the truth. How the heck was he supposed to explain that he couldn’t think? Thomas pushed himself off the floor on his elbows, but winced as the weight seemed to leave his head almost immediately. He kept a hand on the couch as he sat up on his knees, one hand running through his hair and then resting on the back of his neck. 

How long had he been sitting upside down again? Goodness gracious. Part of him wanted to be worried about the repercussions of not having a coherent thought process, but the other was kinda singing Disney songs on repeat. 

In actuality, the most coherent thoughts he had held all day was the nonstop playlist of Disney songs that seemed to run through his head. 

At least that meant Roman was still kicking? That’s what that meant, right?

Oh, yeah, the text. Thomas pushed himself up onto the couch, ignoring how both of his legs seemed to be asleep, buzzing with the prickly pain of pinched nerves and a lack of blood. Lack of blood. All the blood was in his head. Heheheh. 

Gosh, he should sleep soon, he was getting light headed. Had he had any water today, actually? The thought of water made his throat run dry — no, no he hadn’t.

Focus, Sanders. He bit his tongue and typed out a response. Using both thumbs, because for some reason, his single-hand coordination was not working.  

THOMAS —> Yeah. Sorry about that, I think I’m sick or something. Haven’t been able to hold a thought all day and my head is super light.

JOAN —> thats fair, do you have tea or some soup? :( if youre that sick do you wanna push the script deadline a day or two? 

What did Thomas do to deserve Joan, they were always such a beacon of sunlight. He smiled to himself and responded as fast as he could while typing like a technologically illiterate fool, one letter per minute.

THOMAS —> That would be awesome. I’ve got tea, too. Think I’m gonna go to sleep soon though

THOMAS —> Could we push one day? And if you’re still not doing anything on Sunday, we could reschedule 

JOAN —> okay, I’ll let the team know. you get some sleep!!

JOAN —> I’m down for prime coffee shop o’clock on Sunday. 9 am at brewed awakening?

JOAN —> if you need some soupy soup let me know 

Then they sent a cat gif with hearts from Giphy. What an angel. 

Thomas exhaled and leaned back on the couch. He put his phone flat on his forehead, then crossed his arms. That was the best news to come out of today, honestly. One day was better than no days. And if he and Joan could mix up some good ideas on Sunday, then all the better. 

Hopefully that’d give the Sides enough time to figure out what the flip was happening in there.

taglists!

chivalry taglist: @starlightvirgil @forrestwyrm @daflangstlairde @marshmallow-the-panda @askthesnake @k9cat @patromlogil @theobsessor1 @ninja-wizard101 @fandomsofrandom

general taglist: @jemthebookworm @okay-finne

[cloneslugs]

oh fuck u sent me multiple so demo/engie/medic/scout and also u can do the one i already sent

ty i love you

Demo

favorite thing about them

he’s super fun!!! but also really smart and caring and just an all around cool dude he’s like B) !

least favorite thing about them

this isnt about him personally lol but like official stuff(comics) lighten the fuck out of his skin and its like. dont

favorite line

i didnt even see this question when i first did this wtf but uh all his “i love you” esque lines are really excellent

brOTP

exclusing soldier lol!!! probably sniper or engie!!

OTP

soldier :’)

nOTP

besides scout & pyro & just like. looking at just the mercs no one really demo deserves love

random headcanon

he likes turtles a lot & just reptiles/amphibians in general just in a kinda neat/favorite animal type way nothing special, he gets around with engie and sniper and they all get drunk and they talk about cryptids, he has a super big heart he loves love, outside of the battlefield he’s pretty apprehensive and cautious moreso than lots of the others at least, he doesnt push himself to be it often just bc he doesnt like leaderly positions but he defo has one of the more valid voices of reason amongst all of them, he loves to help and just listen to people he’s always ready to offer you a drink and take a load off and just talk things out & he’s super chill and easy to talk to anyway, he comes off as really lazy but he can jump up and make do when he needs to

unpopular opinion

idk whats considered popular or not on here lol but like!! he’s not just stupid silly drunk man he’s actually got heart and is pretty intelligent & like probably one of the better off mercs if he wanted himself to be

song i associate with them (this is literally the worst question im so bad at this if i dont have lots n lots of searching time and also i forget all music ever)

cheap thrills - sia

favorite picture of them (sorry 4 bg edits im doing what i have on hand lol)

hes so fucking happy i love you!!!

Engie

favorite thing about them

he’s my fucking husband he makes my heart fucking soar!!! he’s a quiet little sweetheart and he’s just really smart and nice and has morals iusdahui

least favorite thing about them

fucking nothing you animals 

favorite line

all his fucking nerdy engineering lines are so fucking good ;____; he’s so smart and passionate god“i love engines! pinion shafts! flanges. mitigating shock loads. but most of all: i love winnin’!” “they won’t know what hit ‘em! though it’ll likely to be bullets. statistically speaking” theres more but im like ;___; just thinking about him ah

brOTP

medic babey!!!!!! i have a thing for shitty best friends that tire each other out (especially on one side) but love each other at the end of the day and are just ride or diepyro also but for completely different reasons :-)

OTP

spy is fucking excellent -.- dont @ me

nOTP

soldier lol (excluding pyro & scout)

random headcanon

i think all the mercs are autsitic but engie is one of my fucking fav ahhhhh, he and medic info dump for hours especially where their special interests overlap and it gets really boring if youre not one of them lol, he loves learning but he hated school so much ):, he has pretty bad anxiety but only under certain circumstance, he’s kinda jealous that spy gets to automatically be seen as a paternal figure bc of scout and he kinda wishes he could settle in like that but he also doesnt think he’d be very good at it for a very prolonged amount of time, he loves math!!!! he loves numbers a lot he associates it with lots of fun and colors and just !!!!! wow wow!!, he has really really really high empathy when it comes to machines and stuff, he loves dogs especially smaller ones, he really loves to fidget w/ tools and stuff bc he always has one on hand and theres lots you can do with some of them, he’s really lazy and has a hard time applying himself sometimes

unpopular opinion

the comics really brush him aside i need to see him more please for the love of god he’s just as interesting as anyone else also fat engie is the only valid engie & also soldier/engie is fucking forced and weird idk where it comes from except they wear hats lol & also people call engie short but if you dont make him 5′00 give or take 3 inches youre doing it wrong and i cant stand by it

song i associate with them

this is like. also a soldier song for me lol but Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - the decemberists

favorite picture of them

ms pauling and medic!! his buddies :) also i just love the shadowboxers art

his fly costume makes me so ;___; i love you little man

also i hate to default to beard engie but this is literally the sexiest man alive

Medic

favorite thing about them

i have a thing for shitty men with halfway decent hearts but are trying(sometimes) okay like okay he’s so chaotic and bad but ;___; i love you

least favorite thing about them

this mostly applies to his Meet the vid but he comes off as really apathetic and cruel? i think in everything else he comes off as a bit nicer if not absentminded and not too socially aware which is :)

favorite line

bro when he warns heavy about that gun in the comix? gay rights U__U also the like “you can take the brain out of the criminal and put it in a pumpkin, but you cant take the criminal out of the brain in the pumpkin” or whatever shit sir i love you

brOTP

engie baby!!!! i also really like spy & sniper bc im weak for shitty support relationships i think med just works really good w/ everyone really in some way

OTP

heavy baby!!!

nOTP

all of the mercs are fine (excluding the usual lol) but like cHeavymed people are freaks die

random headcanon

he has really poor eating & sleeping habits he almost relies on everyone else to keep him alive, he’s autistic & he’s jewish but not really practicing, he pulls & tugs on things when he’s stressed, he’s actually really smart medically he just doesn’t like showing it/messing w/ people (it makes some of the smarter mercs nervous lol), when he gets bored & has nothing to play with he digs for drama he loves to start unnecessary arguments that have no value whatssoever, he’s scared of dogs, he only trusts sniper & maybe heavy to handle his birds if he were to die, heavy & archimedes are like mega comfort objects(?) for him !!, he’s kinda really bad at showing he likes/cares for people, this goes especially hard on engie ):, he has a really big sweet tooth, he cant cook, he doesnt ever censor himself and can be pretty rude, he’s an open book and has no sense of integrity, he got super attached to heavy right off the bat for seemingly no reason and it was just super awkward lol, he gets distracted really easily and drops projects too often when he gets bored/forgets, his room is a mess he doesnt know how to do chores, he’s trans and hasnt done anything to medically transition but he handles everyone on team who is 

unpopular opinion

he’s not a fucking sociopath lol like he has a heart and cares he just has a hard time differentiating right from wrong and doesnt think things out i love you

song i associate with them

this is my emo music time i keep changing this but im gonna go It Was A Swift Not A Swallow - Crywank

favorite picture of them

i cant pick between these two he’s saving his fucking boyfriends life & also the 2nd he just looks so peaceful and :)

Scout

favorite thing about them

he’s a sweet boy!!! he just wants friends and he’s stuck with a bunch of middle aged men we have to love his endurance also he’s a little baby faced menace i love you

least favorite thing about them

in the canon i ignore lol.. too straight we cant have that

favorite line

all his lines talking about how the group of them are all best friends and stuff??? i love that

brOTP

sniper !!!! also spy also everyone

OTP

no one really lol pyro is like. the only one im comfy w/

nOTP

sniper lol if we’re talking popular things & all the rest of the mercs really

random headcanon

he’s a super sweet boy who loves everyone on the team, he warmed up the fastest out of all of them and became super attached!!, he really wants a base dog, he really likes to spend time with everyone and listen to them talk like he loves sitting with engie and having him explain nerdy engineering nonsense that he’ll never get but he tries to but its just fun seeing how excited the other person is!!!, he became super close to sniper right off the bat for some reason which is weird bc scout can talk forever and sniper doesn’t know how to hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes but they like hanging out even if it gets tiring, he lives off of sugary drinks medic keeps telling him to stop, he loves to hang out w/ spy and they get on each others nerves but really enjoy it at the end of the day, he has little to no sense of boundaries, he loves to give hugs!!, he really tries to engage with everyone’s interests like i said he just loves making/seeing other people happy, he loves being part of big groups it always just feels like a big family to him

unpopular opinion

he gay :)

song i associate with them

the calculation - regina spektor

favorite picture of them

trans rights!!!

Soldier

favorite thing about them

he is a sweetheart he is my big stupid husband and we both love raccoons =.=

least favorite thing about them

the patriotism……  we arent having that

favorite line

he’s literally so fucking funny especially all his things w/ merasmus and just. everything

brOTP

excluding demo uh !!! SPY!!!! :D

OTP

demo :)

nOTP

engie x.x

random headcanon

he’s super sweet !!! he loves his friends so much, he loves to show off his raccoons to everyone :), he bonds w/ sniper over wildlife(raccoons), everyone has a lot of patience w/ him bc he struggles to communicate things a lot and kinda needs his time to get points across, he’s actually really observant and it would be really good if he just didnt jump to wild conclusions based off of it all the time, he’s really conscious of his actions and how they affect others like he’s kinda violent impulsively but hes taken note of who is and isnt okay with it or who’s okay w/ him saying what in front of them, he’s really protective of his friends!!! he knows theyre capable but he loves looking out for them, he loves to drag them off on fitness expeditions/training but he tires out before a good number of them/gets bored, he wakes up the earlies he loves the mornings, he can cook but nobody knows it, like scout he loves to indulge in what other people like but he’s more handson he loves to screw in screws for engie or hand medic tools or read out loud to spy or heavy or show sniper things he catches/turn over rocks with him, he loves medics birds but doc wont let him touch them ):, he wants to get a base dog too, he has no volume or tone control, probably the best hugger, he’s kinda shy about personal things like himself in general or being trans & liking guys he’s actually pretty decent at keeping personal things to himself not that he wouldnt share it just feels weird, 

unpopular opinion

he’s not just like shouty mean stupid man,,, he’s actually really sweet 

song i associate with them

rejoice- AJJ 

favorite picture of them

i have worse naked honey pics but this is fucking it lads gay rights

[7wanderingpaws]

Home arrest. (Jinyoung)

Another request yay! 

This came quickly so I hope it will still be enjoyable. Please let me know what you think and thank you for reading <3 Have a great Friday and weekend! 

Request: - - - Jinyoung x reader - - - (University AU)

The world was an unfair place - that was a fact you knew for a long time being a university student and seeing all the possible disadvantages, etc. However, you could have sworn this one was the worst one out of your entire student life.

“What do you mean you cannot go?” asked your best friend, Nabi. She had this long, black hair that shined beautifully even in the dull lighting of the student cafeteria. She grabbed her iced americano and took a cute sip.

You took off the lid of your hot americano and straight away took one sip. It burned but who gave a damn?! Nabi was about to say something but she almost choked on her own gulp. You swallowed, momentarily dizzy from the burning coffee going down your throat. “Because I have to go to see grandma in the counryside.”

“But can't you postpone it? Come one day later? And that is literally on the other side of the country, Y/N. Changwon is ages away.”

“You know how my father is,” you said, defeated. Besides, you were in quite the trouble at home, being “locked up”. Your father was a very authoritative person that strongly believed in confucianism, therefore there was nothing you could do against him. Yet, you did come home very drunk and very noisy after you managed to nail some hard exams with high scores two days ago. It was like the end of the world at home, but, oh well, you were here feeling very alive.

Nabi made a grimace but didn't dare to comment anymore once the topic turned your father. 

Anyway, you were so ashamed about this fact (you being drunk and then you being “imprisoned in your own home”) that you ended up avoiding your boyfriend Jinyoung. And it was his graduation that you could not attend which broke your heart.

As you were just about to continue with complaints, your KakaoTalk dinged. Not wanting to take it right away, you ignored it when another ding came in. Then another one, then another one. You frowned and looked at Nabi but she was staring at something behind you. Who was i-

“Oh, there you are!” said Jinyoung cheerfully, pushing his phone into his pocket and appearing in your eye sight next to your chair. Nabi had heart eyes and you were trying to stop your heart from beating too frantically. “I was looking for you everywhere, sweetheart. Hey Nabi,” he sent her a charming smile. Nabi covered her face, all red.

That “sweetheart” nickname made you want to cry. “What are you doing here?”

“I finished my meeting sooner than I thought, so now we can be together as much as possible,” he said, his voice slightly raspy. He leaned in, supporting himself with one hand on the table and the other one on your chair. “And you are free now as well, considering your successful exam season.”

You swallowed and didn't dare to look him in the eye. “I actually have to go now.” Before he could even realise it, you were pushing him aside and trying to get up. “I desparately have to be somewhere right now.”

“Oh, yes, you forgot about your media meeting again, didn't you?” Nabi played along, nodding.

Jinyoung looked quite like the confused puppy. His head was turning once to Nabi, once to you, but you were already packing your bag, throwing it over your head. “Wait, Y/N, what media meeting? You're not a media student... Bye Nabi!” he shouted behind his shoulder as you made your way out of the cafeteria. “We should talk about tomorrow.”

Oh no. “Sorry, babe, maybe later? This is pretty urgent,” you said in a monotone voice, not even looking at him. “Catch you later.” You started to jog.

“Y/N!” he said louder, but didn't follow you anymore. He stayed there, laughing in disbelief at what just happened. Usually, you would throw yourself around his neck, giving him a loving peck on the cheek and never leaving his side. And now you looked so panicked for some strange reason.

Obviously, you did not have any media meeting. You took the metro line 9 to your house in Gimpo. Once safely home, you were met with delicious scents coming from the kitchen but even now you didn't feel like eating.

“Y/N? Are you home?” screamed your mum from the kitchen. 

“Yes, I am.” Taking off your shoes, you almost stumbled over. “Oh, for God's sake,” you murmured, very inrritated.

“What did you say, dear?” 

“Oh, nothing. I am home, continuing my home arrest.”

Your mum appeared from the kitchen, looking down the corridor. A typical house-wife, she had her dress and apron on her. “How was it today?”

“I don't want to talk about it,” you said as you went into your room. Your phone was blowing up but you had no guts to answer Jinyoung.

Your mother sighed, worried. “Alright, get your things ready, we are leaving soon for Changwon.”

---

Me (05:58am): Jinyoung, I cant make it today, please dont worry and enjoy it to the fullest. I am sorry

Done. He now was informed that you won't make it and you could just lie in this old bed at your grandmother's and think about the meaning of life... Truthfully, you were so unbelievably irritated, so annoyed and disappointed, you just kept shedding unhappy tears. 

Especially the fact that your grandmother lived in Changwon,  yours and Jinyoung's birthplace. A place where your friendship and later love began. It made you feel this silly bittersweet emotions that were useless.

Your phone beeped once again but you just got up, knowing well that you couldn't afford staying in bed. 

Hard work in the farm began.

---

Three days later, you were back in Seoul. It was very late and you were very tired. You did manage to talk a little bit on the phone with your beloved Jinyoung, but he knew all too well that for some strange reason you were trying to avoid him. He wanted to know why. He wanted to know what happened. It was hurting him so much that you were ignoring him and walking around the issue when he thought you are aware you could tell him anything.

He cared about you so much. He was worried sick you hurt yourself when you fell on that bicycle trip you two took, he hated when he saw you cry for any reason unless it was out of happiness, he was uneasy when he knew you had to face stressful situations and couldn't be there to accompany you. . . He didn't think you were a child or dependent on him, no. He simply, plainly loved you, adored you and wanted to make sure his love is always feeling good and comfortable.

That's why he found himself in the darkness, right in front of your house. It was all silent, your parents probably asleep at this hour. But he knew you would be awake. The tiny light from your nightstand lamp said it all. 

Jinyoung was certainly an athletic type, having competed in a few baseball games and much more football games for the university team. He grasped the ladder that your father put there after working in the little garden you had and pulled himself up, making sure no noise was made.

Back in your room, you were neatly folding your clothes, unpacking your tiny suitcase you brought to Changwon. Silent music was coming from your laptop until you heard your phone beep with a message.

You sighed, knowing well who it was but you still took it, reading the message without unlocking your phone. 

My love (23:46pm): Open your window 

You tried not to panic as your head snapped up looking straight into Jinyoung's eyes. Behind the window. He was balancing, barely managing and you took in a sharp breath immediately dropping the lovely summer dress you had in your hands. You unlocked the window and opened it, grabbing Jinyoung's arm and pulling him forcefully inside, until both of you fell on the floor, him on top of you. Yay, long live the clichés!

You were breathing heavily. “What are you doing here?” you whispered loudly. His eyes bored into you, they seemed so lost and yet so happy to see you after one week of constant avoidance. He pressed his lips to yours hurrily without giving any answer and you immediately gave in, closing your eyes and finally wrapping your arms around his neck. You were trying to pull him as close as it was physically possible.

After a heated three-minute make-out session, you became rather uncomfortable on the floor and squirmed under him. 

“No,” said Jinyoung strictly, making you freeze. “You are not going to escape me this time.”

Your chest was going up and down. “What.”

“Why were you avoiding me? What happened?”

“Jinyoung, if my father finds you here-”

“Answer me.”

“He is going to kil-”

“Goddamit, what is wrong?” he said, a bit louder which made you slap your hand onto his mouth. He grinned cheekily and said, muffled: “I will talk louder to wake your father up if you don't answer me right now, Y/N.”

You closed your eyes again, praying for two seconds. “I can't tell you.”

He frowned. No answer came to his mind.

“I cannot tell you, because I am ashamed about it.”

Now he forgot about his little threat and sat up properly, finally letting you breathe. “Did you do something?”

“I...”

“You didn't attend my graduation. You were one of the only people I was hoping to share this memory with, are you aware of it?” Jinyoung's face was torn apart and still managed to look authoritative. “Are you?” he asked again.

“Im so, so sorry,” you lowered your head. “I truly am, Jinyoung.”

“I need a reason.”

“There is no-”

“Tell me right now. Or else,” he started to take in a big amount of breath, ready to shout to wake your father up. Ugh, what a freaking savage tease!!!

 “Okay, okay, okay, just shut up,” you said pressing your index finger to his lips. He smirked and gave your finger a kiss. “I am in a home arrest kind of thing and I was ashamed about it so I didn't want to tell you. That last day at uni I was not going to a meeting but home.”

“What? You were in a home arrest?”

“Shhhhhh, don't talk so loudly!” you scream-whispered.

“But you are old enough to take care of yourself now.”

You sighed. “I know, but my father doesn't think that. Anyway, this is the truth, now get out before he discovers you here.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “I don't care. I already spent too much time without you.”

You sighed as he hugged you once again, rocking you from side to side. Suddenly, the entire thing became so absurd for you; you were now ashamed for being ashamed.

“I have an idea,” whispered Jinyoung and pulled away just a little bit so he could see your eyes. “What about spending the summer in Changwon? Your grandmother would be over the moon and so would be your parents. You barely see her anymore, ever since we moved up to Seoul.”

You blinked, stunned at how good that idea sounded. A few seconds of considering, and you both were chuckling. “I'd love that.”

He let out a breathy laugh and leaned in to kiss you, combing your hair out of his way. “Then I guess we have one hell of a great summer coming up.”

[themcfuckups]

ok, below is an rp i and @monty-enzo​ did, it sorta peters off when i guess i left the rp mood, which is why it switched from first person? to just us talking about them. (also my end started out not rp-like bcuz idk i do that sometimes when i dont feel like typing real rp responses) warnings: some nsfw at the end, otherwise its fairly safe word count: 2069(nice)

Monty was a mess, he said he would be home in a while. But his 'while' had dragged on to longer then he wanted. When he got home he just collapsed on the couch, too tired to move too upset to clean up. To much pain for anything else. He takes out his phone and looks at it bleary eyed, then deletes the messages then texts Oscar. Sorry I'm late. -M Are you still home? -M I hope you made yourself some dinner. -M Please don't wait up for me. -M He drops the phone onto the ground and lays with his face in the couch.

oscar was prob crying bcuz he was lonely and sal prob hung out with him till it got late then went home, and the lonely part isnt montys fault, oscars just really extroverted and has a need to be around ppl a lot. but when he hears montys back he'd immediately go greet him. sit on the floor next to the couch and be like hi im glad ur home bby

Monty felt sick, and the expectant look on Oscar's face made his stomach turn. What was he supposed to say? He didn't say anything he just started crying and clung on to Oscar. "S-stupid, h-hormones." he sniffed. "S-sorry I hic took s-so long t-to  sob come ho-home.."

Oscar wasn't expecting the burst of emotion from monty. he hugged him from the floor, rubbing his back "aw hey, what's wrong baby? who's ass do i needta kick?" he said the last part with a hint of aggression, always ready to throw down if someone hurt monty in any way.

Monty sniffed trying to get his words out without sounding to blubbery, "Atlas invited me over.. to introduce me to someone I never met." he wipes his face. "It was my dad..." he mumbles "Then Atlas got mad when I said he couldn't come to the wedding..."

Oscar wasnt sure how to respond to that. he'd always assumed monty's parents were dead, since he'd never heard mention of them. but of course, the main thing that rung in oscars head was that atlas was the one who'd upset him. he leaned back to cup his face and kiss his forehead, with sincerity and a small smile "do ya want me to punch him? i can punch him for ya."

Monty actually let out a weak giggle at that "No his face has to be pretty for the wedding you know..." he wipes his face and snuggles with Oscar. "I just dont know how he expects me to suddenly allow someone like that, back into my life..." Monty choked up again "He didn't want me."

oscar nuzzled him, happy he'd gotten a smile out of him."well, he made tha mistake of his life, clearly. look at what a wonderful person he missed out on knowin."  he wasnt fond of thinking about family that didnt want him, but he could relate a lot to it, and he didnt want monty to feel alone in it  "if it helps any.. my dad didnt want me either. i was told he seen me after i was born in the hospital and jus left then and there.. but ya know, fuck em. theyre just shitty people who dont give a fuck about their own kids.. id bet money their ribcages are empty." he said the last sentence with a sneer.

Monty didn't want to dwell on the subject any longer, so he just smothered Oscar in kisses. In his mind he claimed they would be the better dads and not leave their kids and never look back. He slides off the couch and carefully sits in Oscar's lap "Were you able to get yourself some dinner?" he asked finally, "Also you smell like Sal," he leans close and sniffs him. Sure he didnt have the smelling power Oscar's moms did but he could still smell that.

oscars tail thumped the floor a little before he controlled it to stop, happily kissing back and cuddling him close "wasnt hungry, and sal hung out with me for a bit.  they got some dinner for me before they left, think its chinese.. ya wanna eat it?"

"No, I'm not really hungry... I don't think the baby was to happy I got upset.. and kind of hurt me a little." Monty rubs his stomach slightly then rubs Oscar's. "And how are you my little turtle dove, did you get lonely too?" he coos and smooches Oscar's stomach.

oscar grins lopsided and does his best not to wag his tail again at the cute display. he was really getting tired of this tail business. the small fetus responded by giving a weak little kick, "heh, i think they missed ya too. looks like ya got two number one fans now, huh?"  it takes him a moment to backtrack to the first sentence, grin dropping in worry "do ya feel ok? should we go to tha doctor? are you bleeding? are they moving?" barage of questions as his hands moved under montys clothes to gently feel his stomach.

Monty slightly tensed under Oscar's hands and his face colored "Yes I feel fine, no we dont need a doctor, no I am not bleeding, and yes they are moving." and just as he said that Shiloh turned over, the movement felt against Oscar's hands. Monty shuddered a little knowing that Oscar's fingers would reach where the strap would be if he had a bra on. Which he promptly removed as soon as he got home.

oscar grinned at the movement, feeling his soul flutter in response. that was his baby in there, a tiny little thing he made with monty. he completly ignored his tail thumping the floor now, too concentrated on monty to care "youll tell me if ya dont feel good, right? and you should eat, what if it's hungry?"

He smiles softly "Of course babe, I'll eat for them, and I will tell you if something is wrong." Monty gets up with a little effort and waddles into the kitchen for some cinnamon oatmeal and milk. Something warm and yummy and filling for the baby. 

Oscar didnt have nearly as much trouble as Monty did with getting up, following behind him and being what some would consider an absolute annoyance, hovering, rubbing his shoulders , ect. Though at least he helped assist monty on getting items. He got a text, fishing his phone out to glance at it before shoving it back in his pocket without giving the words of the text a second thought. 

Monty honestly didn't mind Oscar hovering him, he had been used to it for a long time, and knew how to do things without tripping over him. Monty made dinner and while he was working on it watched as Oscar got a text "Who was it?" he asked seeing him shove it back into his pocket, concerned. "You okay babe?" he frowns stopping what he was doing and turning around to give Oscar his undivided attention.

Oscar looked at him a little confused, almost already forgetting the text. "Oh, it was jus ma." They had left for a few days to go deal with something else, but both texted him several times a day to make sure he wasn't slacking on taking care of his baby. Monty turning his attention towards him though, he crouched to nuzzle him again, being his ever affectionate self and ignoring whatever his mother had told him. 

Monty had finished making the oatmeal, since he wasnt entirely hungry, though it was for Shiloh's sake. He kissed Oscar for a moment then turns to get his bowl and starts eating, "Was it something important? You shouldn't ignore her texts." 

Oscar sits down, frowning a little "I'm not ignoring her, I seen it, it was just about-" he glanced at the bowl and frowned more, looking guilty "oh.. hm.." he fiddled with his sleeve a bit "I guess I should eat too. Heh.." its not that he was trying to not take care of himself, it just didnt really click as important to him unless he actually thought about it. 

"So, you didn't eat when Sal brought food over?" he asked as he spooned another mouthful of oatmeal into his mouth, he felt the baby shift inside of him. Rubbing his stomach "There there little one you'll get some food it will just take a little bit." Monty sits on Oscar's lap "Aahh." he holds a spoonful of oatmeal to Oscar. 

Oscar shrugged "put it in the fridge, that's why I asked if you wanted it.." he felt bad now for neglecting his baby. And stupid that he needed to be reminded of something so simple. He still smiled a little at the cute offer, eating the spoonful before kissing montys neck "if only eating you out counted as a square meal, I'd never forget to eat." He sat monty in his place, going to grab the food hed put in the fridge since he didnt want monty having to share his meal with him. 

Monty blushed, though looked down when he got moved "Oh," he frowns he didnt really want take out "It was very nice of Sal to bring you some food while I was away." he stated eating more of the oatmeal, even though he wasn't exactly gone very long. Though again just thinking about it had his mind full of thoughts. His dad, suddenly coming back into his life which he had no idea he still was alive. Why had Atlas not said anything until just now? Monty stopped eating. -------

m- I guess Monty would of just told Oscar hes not sure what to think about inviting his dad to his wedding, and hes not happy Atlas didn't tell him his dad was still alive until now and hes not even sure he wants Atlas to go. Like 'you cant just forget about that and not tell me.'

o-Oscar wouldnt know what to suggest, just be like 'follow ur heart'

m-I think Monty would be mad for like a while and fuckin extreme clean the house. which .. Oscar should stop him since hes pregnant -v- dishes, scrub the floors, counters, wipe the walls, dust. vacuum

0-Be like bitch stop that and sit down

m-babe lift the couch for me >:V

0-Massages his feet and kisses his toes

m- Monty just dsklhsdf and blushes hes ticklish slightly

0-Oscar's like if u want a workout, just bend over and I'll help you with a much better one. That doesnt include possible bad cleaning supply smells or toxins. Just nice organic stuff

m- fklshd Oscar is like "Welp time for baby yoga lets go." Monty gets down on the floor on all fours and sticks his butt up in the air. "Yeah I guess this helps." fksldhf

0- Well he meant his dick, but that works too

m- summon the dicco :V and I know you did I think Monty might end up crying during sex though cause hes super emotional lmao "Babe can we just snuggle.. Im sorry" sniffle

0- hed kiss him a lot and hold his hands "We can absolutely snuggle" Rub his tummy His dick can wait Like shhh it's ok, I can get off later, I just wanna smooch u and make u feel loved

m-hlkfhg Monty keeps pushing his plump lil ass against Oscar's hips like "plz fuck my thighs"

0-WELL ITS HARD TO REFUSE IF U DO THAT MONTY

m-dslkfh do it oscar stick your dick between those plump thighs meng give him a good ol squeeze.

o-Fine but hope montys prepared to have him panting and groaning curses against his neck

m-klshdf Monty is super blushy and still got tears from crying before but now hes fucking aroused and shit might fucking nut just from the rubbing

o-Hell yeah, dick rubbing over his puss Nuts all over his thighs and tummy

m-Monty is all panting and just gives him sloppy kisses clinging onto him "Thanks babe I feel a lot better now." nuzzles his face. - theeeen starts crying again "I love you so much." -sobs

o-Hfgdgdxvhfhg oscar just peppers kisses all over him and tells him how sweet and perfect he is

m-Monty turns and snuggles into Oscar touching him all over and cuddling up to him. Then probably just falls asleep against him afterwords tuckered out from stress -------end

[for-those-on-my-mind]

Tag

I got tagged by the beautiful @morkleek​ to do this tag, thank you <3

---

rules: answer all 85 questions then tag 20 people

♡ Last…? ♡

Drink - water

Phone call - my sister

Text message - “är min laddare på ditt rum” aannnd for all my non-swedish followers that means “is my charger on your room” to my sister

Song you listened to - Dancing in the moonlight - Toploader <3 <3 <3

Time you cried - I’m actually crying now hahaha it’s nothing big but my sister asked me earlier today if she and her friend could come home and pick something up but they’ve been here like 3 hours and my sister borrowed my charger and didn’t want to give it back and my dad ordered sushi so i forced myself to go downstairs but my social anxiety just went ahjldfhasdkjshadolk ahahhh ha so yeah thats why im doing this tag so i won’t do anything else stupid

♡ Ever…? ♡

6. Dated someone twice - noo

7. Kissed someone and regretted it  - no

8. Been cheated on - nah

9. Lost someone special - yeah

10. Been depressed - damn yeah but i actually got discharged from the hospital yesterday! progress ... i think 

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - nah ain’t about that life

12. Fave colors - yellow and black

♡ In the last year have you… ♡

15. Made new friends - yes!!

16. Fallen out of love - hmmm no

17. Laughed until you cried - yeS

18. Found out someone was talking about you - yeah

19. Met someone who changed you - absolutely!

20. Found out who your friends are - i guess?

21. Kissed someone on your FB friend list - noo

♡ General ♡

22. How many FB friends do you have irl - all of them

23. Do you have any pets? - no but i want a cat :(

24. Do you want to change your name - YES

25. What did you do for your last bday - ehh nothing i don’t really celebrate my birthday

26. What time did you wake up today - 10 i think?

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? - what did i do???? maybe i played hayday

28. What is something you can’t wait for - when i’ll recover from my trauma and get help for my anxiety and yes trauma again and and!!!! i want to become a nurse and work in ... the frick is it called in english???? child and adolescent psychiatry? that’s like my biggest dream right now!!

30. What are you listening to right now - go or go ahead - rufus wainwright

31. Have you ever talked to a person named tom? - ehh idk???

32. Something that gets on your nerves - UGHHHH politics

33. Mosted visited sites - viaplay and netflix and youtube

34. Hair color - it was brown but now back to blonde!!!!

35. Long or short hair -to like my collarbone?

36. Do you have a crush on someone - oh my goD OH MY GOD NOT ACCORDING TO ME BUT ACCORDING TO MANY MANY OTHER PEOPLE

37. What do you like about yourself  - eh

38. Want any piercings? - i’m going to pierce my ears on wednesday!!

39. Blood type - i want to know but the only way to find out here is if you donate blood but i can’t bc of my meds :(

40. Nicknames - becka

41. Relationship status - gosh i just came out of the hospital what did you expect i only lose friends

42. Zodiac - sagittarius or now how tghe fuck you spell it in english

43. Pronouns - she/her

44. Fav tv shows - HANNIBAL!!!!

45. Tattoos - I WANT ONE AND I THINK I’LL GET ONE THIS SUMMER OR THIS FALL, the symbol for sagittarius is an arrow and i want to get a tattoo of one under my ankle!! and i’m thinking about another tattoo on my left collarbone with the text “dancing in the moonlight” since my favorite song since like forever is dancing in the moonlight but i’m not sure what if i get tired on that song??? which i don’t think will happen but you never know?

46. Right or left handed - left

47. Ever had surgery - uhhhh once

48. Piercings - soon my ears

49. Sport - well i worked with horses a lot but it’s been hard to keep up when i’ve been admitted to the hospital so much

50. Vacations - uh i went to england a few years ago and i want to go to like france and italy and maybe to canada and the us if trump can stop being the president man he’s scary

51. Trainers - ??? shoes??? trains??? coach??

♡ More general ♡

52. Eating - i ate subway today <3 <3 <3 and sushi and it was quite good but i wish i wouldn’t have eaten it bc maybe i could have missed out on that lovely panic attack

53. Drinking - water

54. I’m about to watch - idk a movie??? disney movie??? i want to rewatch coco again BC OH MY GOSH <3 <3 <3

55. Waiting for….. - to feel better :) and maybe i can go downtown tomorrow and eat subway again hahaahaha who am i

56. Want…. - to become a nurse!!!!! and to work a little and go to school a little

57. Get married -YES but mostly because i want children but i need to find someone i like too .. and who likes me ... yikes

58. Career - NURSE!

♡ Which is better ♡

59. Hugs or kisses - hugs!

60. Lips or eyes - EYES

61. Short or taller - well i’m pretty short myself so please dont be too tall

62. Older or younger -to date or to be friends with? to date i want someone older (i mean older. OLDER... it might be a problem...)  but if friends it doesnt matter!!!! everyone is welcome to get to know me

63. Nice arms or stomach - it doesnt matter to me but please just be alive

64. Hookup or relationship - relationship

65. Troublemaker or hesitant - idk

♡ Have you ever ♡

66. Kissed a stranger - nah

67. Drank hard liquor - not my thing

68. Lost glasses - no

69. Turned someone down - yeah

70. Sex on first date - no

71. Broken someone’s heart - yes :(( but that person deserved it tbh

72. Had your heart broken - idk???

73. Been arrested - no

74. Cried when someone died - yeah

75. Fallen for a friend - yEAH KINDA but we don’t speak anymore so whatever but oh my god... i saw that person a few months ago when i was at subway... ofcourse ... and he walked by??????? and LOOKED SO GOOD AND WAS SO COOL BUT DID HE SEE ME AND IGNORE ME OR DIDN’T HE JUST SEE ME???

♡ Do you believe in…? ♡

76. Yourself? - nah mate

77. Miracles - no

78. Love at first sight - no.

79. Santa claus - no

80. Kiss on first date - idk

81. Angels - hmmm

♡ Other ♡

82. Best friend’s name - oh i dont want to expose anyone :(

83. Eye color - forest green

84. Fave movie - COCO <3 handsome devil <3 hannibal <3

85. Fave actor - ASFHOKWELDSJFDKL ANDREW SCOTT

yes... thats it!! and... i dont have anyone to tag :(

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

[nelaradream-blog]

I Feel you

Please bear with me, as I am not a writer by any means, however I do have things to say!

I was deep in though the other night, thinking about the astral plane and how it effects people differently. Some not knowing that it exists, some all aware that is is there, and other who don't realize that they are even experiencing this plane.

It all started because I felt a little crazy about a thought that I had had, okie maybe not just a though but multiple thoughts. This  has been going on in my life for the passed year.

Now I don't presume to be all knowing, or even remotely touching the iceberg of knowing everything about being "awoken" or "enlightened" but what I do know puts me at peace.

Onto my story, about a year ago I had started to have some weird occurrences, some minor like "Deja vu" and others that just seemed out of the ordinary; like my watch being out of time and date.

Like any normal person I went to the jeweler and got the battery replaced, only to be stricken by the same issue , my watch was yet again 3 days and 5 hours behind (or forward!) always the same amount of time.

I started to joke with my boyfriend that I was going back in time, or forward in time, laughing it off like my watch was just crazy and something was wrong with the mechanics inside of it.

That is until one late night dream. My boyfriend had left for work it was a particularly cold night; we had just gotten a pretty severe winter storm the night before and the roads were still pretty covered in snow and ice, I received a text from him saying he almost got hit by a car on his way out of the drive. I consoled him ofcourse and thanked the higher powers that he was still here, but then i remembered a dream that I had had. In this dream, the same scenario played out, but the car hit him and he did not make it. I of course did not repeat this to him until a few days later and I hadn't told him of the dream at all.

The next occurrence I had was alittle bit different. We were driving home from town and I had gotten a weird taste in my mouth (okie everyone has cravings !) but it wasn't just the taste, I could physically feel myself chewing even though I was not currently chewing or eating anything. Popcorn..... "I don’t eat popcorn.. I haven't eaten popcorn since I was young, I don’t really care for it all that much" this particular popcorn is one that I used to eat with my uncle when I was younger, the most amazing popcorn there is "white cheddar popcorn" in the chip isle... pre popped and full of yumminess.

We pulled over a rest stop and I got out and grabbed myself a snack (staying away from the popcorn...I didn't want to feed into that ) at that same moment I looked down at my watch again 3 days 5 hours ahead... "why do you keep deceiving me of the time..." My phone was in the car at the time, and I just wanted to know what time it was so that i could know when we could be returning back into town. (well that was a bust, and now I have to reset the time and date yet again for the umpteenth time)

lets fast forward a fair bit now, recently I went over to someone's house and I swore that the road crew had fixed the road a certain way, upon bringing this up to him I got the "are you serious" look on his face and the "ummm you're nuts" look. I brushed it off.

However, that night after feeling completely crazy because of this "altercation" (which really wasn't an altercation but for a lack of a better word..) I still felt a little down, like there was something off. I started googling schizophrenia(oh lord what a rabbit hole that was!!) But my question was, what is people dont actually have a "disease" as everyone calls it; but they are awoken, or enlightened ? What if (and bear with me on this one) these people are actually seeing, and experiencing things that "normal" people are not? Such as parallel planes, or worlds within our own? Lives that we are living that we don't know about. Different paths that we are on, different forks that in one parallel we went left but in the other we went to the right? I started to think real hard about how many times I had remembered something, that didn't happen. How many times I had swore I told my mother or my sister or my boyfriend or my children's father something but "I" didn't , and how many times that left me feeling crazy, or empty... disappointed in myself. Then I started to wonder, if I indeed had but that I was remembering it from a parallel plane, from a different astral ... that somehow I put myself into one of these parallel (matrix's I guess other people would understand) and went about life for a little while. When is this happening ? Is this why I feel tired when I wake up from 8 hours of rest? Is this why I am always exhausted even though Im not tired? Is this why my body feels like it never shuts off???? So many questions come to my mind, and all i want to do is understand, and not feel like I am crazy for even thinking these things....

And the today happened. I had been talking to two people about this, my boyfriend and my friend I will start calling them Bert and Norma, Norma came into my life abruptly she’s been here for about a month now and I am so very thankful for her presence. She makes even the craziest scenarios sound realistic and like I'm not losing my mind, and she helps me cope with the feelings that come with them(they are not bad feelings by any means. They are just overwhelming feelings, if anything they are excitement happiness and a little bit of fear) Bert has been in my life for 2 years now, though I feel like he has been here for a lot more ( I do believe that has to do with the parallel worlds... which by the way I have counted a total of 4, that is including the one "I" am currently living.) He is a wonderful being, and stand beside me even when I tell him of the craziness that is happening. He has also had some pretty crazy things happen to him and we have in turn had them happen together , I'm not sure if I bring it out in him or if I have just awoken his scenes of "knowing" that it is happening vs just going with the flow and ignoring it.

The whole point in me starting this blog, is to somehow keep track of all of these occurrence's but also to hear about others occurrences and oddities in their lives. Am I going crazy? IS this a "normal" thing that happens to some people? I honestly believe I’m not crazy (say everyone who has ever been "diagnosed" ) but I honestly believe in my heart that I have just opened another astral.

I have always believe my spirit has been alive for a very long time, I have read into auras and chakras , I used to practice runes, and I still to this day read Tarot. I have never feared the unknown, and I have never feared what else could be out there that we do not "see" things we can feel but not touch. I believe I have spirits watching over me, that manifest from time to time. I believe that I have some kind of kinetic energy that I can pass onto others should I choose, and I also believe that even if "you" don't believe in any of these things, that you are also doing the same right now to everyone around you.

I feel you....

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 22

I guess this is the turning point for me. I'm almost embarrassed at how psychological my journey is. Its all thoughts... Its time to unearth the suppressed and forgotten memories I have, and hopefully uncover the cause and cure the cause for me not believing in life. Sometimes everything feels fake. I feel like I'm used to being dissapointed, and to hearing people talk a big game but have nothing to show for it, and its all breaking my heart. This has to be the turning point because I want to kill myself. So I'm sitting on the fence, like teal swan said suicidal people do. And I've never actually tried to kill myself, not like Michael who has tried to kill himself 4 times. No, I've never tried but I have been thinking about it for years on and off. I just wanna die cause I think everything is a lie. I feel like society is so sick, and everyone's just used to it, and everyone knows but no one is doing anything about it and I really feel like that's fucking retarded, and I don't understand how people aren't caused intense amounts of discomfort by eating refined sugar and salt, and how they don't cringe when they see a mother berate her child, or how I can just sit at home and watch everything happen, and not play with the other kids, I don't understand what they're talking about. I don't understand, but I want to. Isn't that the greatest human journey? Understanding everything. That's why this dimension showed up, right? So we could learn about how we really are. What a Fuck up, why are so many people choosing to not be aware? Is being unaware really so much better? Help. I'm arrogant. Fuck off mom it's not my fault you're behind now. How do you think time and children and society work? Of course I'm more future, helooooo. I'm not arrogant. Fuck I can't get it together if all these scenes from my childhood keep playing on repeat in my head. What's going on? Why am I alive? I want to kill myself I guess my main goal for today is to organize and categorize the waves of feeling I'm feeling. Some I like, some I don't like, some make me feel obligations and they are heavy. Fuck. * If you're polyamorous or in open relationships and you don't disclose that upfront, you're fake and wack and your so-called radical philosophy is actually just becoming your excuse to not confront your own emotions. Most people expect monogamy after a certain point, though I can predict this changing more than it already is now. I believe in freedom of association sexually and romantically HOWEVER most people outside of certain social pockets would be VERY upset if you and them were fucking and they found out that you had been fucking other people. I know these relationships go a lot deeper than just sex, so why don't we start acting like it? Every relationship involves emotion to some degree. Take responsibility if you've upset someone, or fall through or what have you. Fuck this shit, im sick of everyone hiding and being unresponsive. I do it too but it sucks!!! Fuck you Honestly its not natural to the human species to mate lifelong with only one person. But since we are the conscious ones, we can choose to do this and it can be healthy. How do I know it's not natural? LOOK AROUND YOU. HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL WITH THE FIRST PERSON THEY FUCKED?? Its up to everyone on an individual basis to decide their preferences. This means some people will choose monogamous relationships, and others will choose polyamorous relationships, and that's fine!!!! I want everyone to remember to BE FUCKING HONEST and to not get scared of the feeling of wanting to hide. If you're scared to be upfront about your relationships, you're scared that you're breaking a rule. Fuck it. You have to give people the freedom to choose BASED ON TRUTH and if they don't fuck with your lifestyle choices, FUCKING LET IT GO because there are so many other people just like you, I know it. I can't help it. No one is paying attention to me. I want this to change....I'm always thinking about Jonathan. Its a funny feeling, its unfolding, its different than before. I guess he's not the same as I thought, but also, he's exactly how I thought. I still want a relationship that's a partnership with someone. I can't just fuck everyone who I think I'm falling in love with. This year I have had sex with 6 people. And I don't have sex that often, but when I want it I go for it. Honestly I'm so depressed sometimes that I do it just to feel someone. Ugh. I always end up feeling sad. I really need to change my attitude towards this. Jonathan has soul connections with a lot of people..I'm jealous I feel so alone by comparison...I feel like he has all this soul family and so he's safe and he always has someone to message but I don't feel like that..I've always resorted to isolation, I've always isolated myself.. I don't feel so good. I wish someone wanted to be with me enough to actually pursue me. And be persistent about it. That's what makes me the most sad...nobody wants to be with me...I have to chase everyone around...help i want to die I want to cry I have to start by reaching out to other people. If my symptom is feeling lonely, the root of my illness must be being alone. Emotionally stranded. I feel like no one looks at things the same way as me, no one resents fluoride and refined salt, no one gets stunned and paralyzed by visions. I'm slowly meeting people like me. The antidote is at my feet. I'm sick girl I'm a sick girl. I want a relationship that is a partnership with someone. I'm so sick of this touch and go style of dating. I'm so sad....why is it so easy for people to just drop each other. I never forgave Michael for dropping me. Even though we were together for a few months this year, i never forgave him. I'm tired from the sugar I just ate. I want to kill myself and eat poison. But I have to keep holding on.. Ugh why.. I should just give up..I should just leave and throw myself down on the ground in the middle of a far away highway. I should kill myself. Nobody wants to be with me enough to persue me. Nobody wants to come to me. They only want something easy. Ill kill myself so they have a taste of what's to come, the drowning and ice caps melting, the violence, the language that changes too fast for you to keep up. Ill kill myself and then ill finally have everyone's attention. I'm lying to myself every day. I don't want this I just want to die. * I have an idea of the relationship i want. I want it. I want to sleep in their bed 4 times a week and hold hands and watch Netflix. I want to feel like I can rely on them, I want to make art and music with them. Why does Dustin have to drink and do coke? Am I going to keep acting like I'm okay with it? I mean...I am except for when I want to kiss them or cuddle them. Its like my standards are higher for romantic partners. Ew. We had such awkward sex. It would be funny if it wasn't so painful. I cried after because of my piercing loneliness. Shit, i can't keep going on like this. I have stated the problem many times and I am not moving towards any solution. IM FUCKING LONELY AS FUCK. I'm used to being alone because I had severe anxiety and it was the way I chose to cope but now it's getting old and Honeslty, I wanna live in a big house with lots of friends. I fucking cried. Nobody wants me. I have to go out hunting when I'm hungry. I wish he would do it for me But its not him either? His relationship is still digging into his sides and he doesn't eat enough. He's 28.. Fuck this Please I want to die * If this is inertia then what does passion feel like? * Cover songs to review Los Ageless New York The very thought of you Lover man I love you porgy Rehab You go to my head * Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy oh my god why. What the Fuck. I was supposed to be a boundary shattering supermodel by now. Down. I'm so jealous. Why is he like this? I have to...I want someone to pay attention to only me! I want Jonathan's attention I'm disgusted with myself. After this show on Sunday I hope I don't hear from them anymore There's no room for the poetry roses because I'm a recluse I have no room for poetry I miss Ariel even though it wasn't that great. I don't know. Maybe I'm just starved for love. Smoke a lot of weed. Maybe I'm just starved for affection, I dont know I know exactly what He's a same part of this stupid hierarchy I hate that I want to be on top of. This is compounded. The music industry. But I have that feeling in my heart and my hips. Touch me. Hold me. God I'm so lonely Fuck this shit. I will proudly be the opening act. I wanna see everyone squirm. What is it past your office hours? Ariel He is bad news It would be so easy for him to hook in everywhere I'm weak. My sexuality. I don't have room for sex and poetry, I'm a recluse, bound to fantasy, and sustained by fantasy Maybe the poetry is what I needed I feel like he looks at me and sees a fantasy but he can't be in denial of who I really am. I'm quiet. I'm not the next big thing, I just wanna play music, I'm not the next big thing, and if I was I would have much better material to present to the public. I want to play in a dive bar jazz band. I want to feel everything and be psychic. Not the next big thing today, maybe not ever. Its up to me. Why am I so stupid when I talk to them sometimes? Its like I start highlighting my insecurities which is probably the opposite of what a functioning person would do But honestly, honestly don't get anywhere near me if you ignore and disown insecurity. Think of all the people on anti anxiety meds. So its like, I have this twisted wall of thoughts up against the world. Because I'm trying to hold in my ideas about myself I feel like he looks at me with dissspointmment and resentment before ive even done anything. I don't like that.  * December 18th 2017 5:43 Am I can't initiate conversation with you, and I think I want to, but I cant, and it hurts, and I imagine you with other girls, and that hurts. Every time I see you even talk to another girl it makes me go crazy I don't want to feel this way. The feeling in my chest is going to fade away This feeling in my pelvis is going to transform me I have no choice * Tuesday set list The very thought of you If I ain't got you I fall in love too easily On the sunny side of the street * Allegra Allegria You can't use him If you liked my drawing, maybe I can read to you from my diary Maybe you'd like that too Hey I love you I can have him too I'm his favorite Full of doubt Pouch Pout Cryiing for someone to hear out out My music Cool Hey I love you too Pouch Famous Pain Passion Raindrops Dog shit Lately I Can't get enough of life * Ariel I'm gonna let my phone die. Im always gonna remember you for the okay sex and the way my heart melts when you smile. I'm always gonna remember your eyes and wonder why I even think about you, and why thinking about you pulls at my heart strings, ever since... The first date Rushing Realiziing that more than sex or status i want emotional connection and support, and loving intimacy, and for someone to see into me and take care of me Why? What's this rush of feeling? I'm addicted to the city. I want to leave. But not yet................... Maybe I can....maybe it's just once.  Why does this idea give me a burning feeling in my groin. I want you to take care of me It was the time a while ago you were waiting For me to make a move but i was waiting To write a hit song so I could be on my own Perpetually dizzy and in love with everything I'm well meaning but confused I'm not from here * Fuck you. Well meaning slob pulsing in my hatred artery in my pussy Fuck you bitch