chaoscrystals

[chaoscrystals]

poetry roses 1

there can't be enough roses, to fill a landfill i might choke in disgust, i might choke on the fumes,

my body is to be lifted, and i have a great view, i see the poor people and i don't say a thing

I'm sick of everythingi'm sick of seeing my poor mother cry over all the lies that men telli can tell i'm hardly breathing, and i'm no good, i know that i'm no good

There's always a way, that's what you want to sayyou'll never be faithful and i'll always be watching youplease give me a chancei want this new romancei want to change the worldi want to be a girl

have a body is to be lifted, i like what i seei see the poor people and i feel like they're me

i'm sick of everythingi'm sick of seeing my poor mother cry over all the lies that men telli can tell i'm hardly breathing and i'm no good, i know that i'm no good

On Sun, Apr 15, 2018 at 10:05 PM, Nova Luz <

> wrote:

i don't feel good. my house is a mess. i'm overcome by urges and inspiration that i can't do anything about. I don't know how I would sound if i didnt learn my speech patterns from everyone around me. I'm following the inspiration, pigeons are gray, bedbugs are black and suck blood, i was having a phobia of parasites and my mom thinks it's my fault. damn i'm sorry. I don't know how i got to the age of 23 without hardly noticing. still feel like i'm straight out of high school. i don't have a job, i need connection, all the thoughts in my head, comma, comma, comma 

I don't want to listen to anyone else's music. but i wont play guitar. i don't want to listen to this it makes me sad. i could do better. I want to listen to someone elses music. i want to know what it's like to be black in america. no i dont. i dont have a job. fuck me. i don't have a following. i care but i don't care. i dont...i care...I think maybe i can do it. maybe if i think and make sure people like my facebook page. maybe then he will love me

fuck

maybe it's not worth it. what can i do to stop global disasters?oh god maybe it's not worth it. maybe i should just kill myself. i can't think straight. this pain is overwhelming. i can be a cell unto myself and isolated but thats a lonely life. maybe It will be worth it in the end 

i don't want to listen to other people's music. i don't want to listen to them talk either. it's boring. if i say anything my mom will yell at me. you can't just blame all your problems on your mom. We're getting old I don't want to listen to anyone elses music. my hands hurt. I have an fantasy teenage fanstasy for someone called jonathan but um...i don't know i'm losing interest in this cause it's so far from perfect and....he's all detached (from me)...well. i guess has to work a lot. i guess we're all getting old. are you working in a kitchen? what's going on? i feel the same way. I miss him but i'm sick of not getting anything back and not getting communication and i just really want a boyfriend and my poetry roses, i really just want those things, and i want to eat, but i eat every day and i eat good food so i already have that i'm just missing the boyfriend and well, there's never enough poetry roses, comma comma comma, okay.doing this doesnt create any waste. the whole computer was already here... no paper...waste... disposable... kill me now drown me in a sea of plastic tears and dead babies and images of coal mines, i dont think anyone uses coali don't think i know anything anymore i think i've deluded myself into thinking i know something but i dont know anything i wanna just laugh and i wanna not be alone but i guess i kind of chose to be alone tonight, i just didnt think it would feel like this, worrying about bugs in the couch.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 23

I think its hard to have mixed DNA white with anything. sometimes I want to cry becauuse I share the colonizers blood. That's some white guilt. I guess you don't realize how much your silence is hurting my feelings. I guess we need to talk because i don't understand how you can be so very interested in me and getting me to go to you. Then I do and it feels like relief. The night is over and I go about my way, I send you messages because I want to see you and talk to you more, maybe you feel my neediness but suddenly all the enthusiasm is gone. Did I hurt you in some way? Can I make it better? Or are you really just keeping your distance? I don't understand. Im trying to. So I guess we should talk? Unless you don't want to Which is fine But it's not fine if you act like you do when you don't. Is it because I'm needy and awkward? Is it because I hold on to awkwardness longer than i need to?  Is it my self defense? Why am I so interesting up until the point when I know I want you? Then its nothing Did I hurt you? Because this is really hurting me I want to kill myself. Maybe you really would be better off with tuli. Who am I to stand in your way. Why won't you talk to me now? I'm gonna cry ** Dear Michael, This is the second letter. I find myself overly concerned with what you're thinking about me. I'm really worried that you aren't ever going to love me and maybe you don't even like me. I really need someone right now. I really need something out of you. Why do you vanish when I want you so badly? Its almost like you don't want to see my neediness. That idea hurts me. Am i not Trying hard enough? ** Its causle I'm not helping and no ones helping me process my feelings no one believes me ** My dad Image of perfection A lot of emotions and water A lot of food and emotional duress, stress, pressure I wish every man was my dad I can't focus I want to touch little kids I want to smoke cigarettes and drink beer This music is intoxicating Every man wants her And so I want her Young I want to run her hands Run my hands up her shirt Michael I feel lonely Listen to me whine about it Jonathan doesn't love me Nothing is ever going to make it better And to top it off I lost you Lets go on a date Lets go somewhere Lets forget about it And fantasize about what it would be like if we had it True love Everlasting love and glory Falling on the floor Pushing out a baby ** What to do today: Email shrine Die Excercise I guess not clean shit Regret life as a whole Die again I wish someone was watching me Not everything can be poetry I wish it would all go away The images im going to hold in my heart today are this: Ryan finding a home Going on a trip ** I fucked Ariel again I liked it but I didn't like it He didn't hit me hard enough The second time I wasn't really feeling it And I know why but I was too embarrassed to say Because I don't want to fuck them out of sheer pleasure, but because I think if I have sex with them then we have a bond I liked fucking Michael better Maybe he just needs to get better at it I need to charge my phone I don't want to have no self worth. I just wanna watch it die. My phone. The internet is breeding a new wave of shorthand, of short comments. Why does it feel so bad but I want it If I really only want him for whatever "connection" I get/he has, I can't have that relationship because it wouldnt feel right. If I don't really like him. Hah. I'm not even sure of my own motives. I wanna watch it die. I'm breathing in breeding Brooding Babying If I was only f February 18th 2018 7:42 pm I wish it was that easy, the admission "I love you" and the instant bond. Its not easy. Telling someone I loves them was never easy and it never works for me..see she doesn't judge me. You judge me. Ariel judges me It hurts. My kidneys. Cross-eyed dizzy clumsy fingers February 19th 2018 10:29 Am You could have had Jonathan but you too weak to hold on to a man You have no self worth Today is my dads birthday ** Things I need Drum shit (heads, stands, cymbals, hi hat clutch, throne) Guitar case Focus ** A lot about the way you objectify and present to people, your confidence is one particle, and I need someone else to see, Can I trust myself February 13th 2018 7:17 pm I really hope he reads this one day Breathe I really didn't get a chance to network with you yet, hi my name is Nova lets change the course of the future...lets install solar panels, lets pay the artists more than we pay ourselves Lets be ourselves I keep thinking about juliets show. Thinking I wanted to go but like...resisting it too. I'm so distracted. I want to go cause I think maybe ill see Jonathan. Ill see juno and Juliet but mostly. . I want to see Jonathan. Can I re orient myself so..I don't have to go today but we can still be friends? Should I keep it up? Should I keep hoping its all gonna come up and ill finally have my love. I'm doing magic. I'm practicing spells. I can't control him. He didn't want that. He didn't like it. Or...somewhere he liked it but...didn't wanna admit it I'm just wondering, what's the best decision, what can I do to strengthen my community, or my sense of self, or what can I do to get a new pipe, what can I do that's inspired, am I just fooling everyone because they have a crush on me? Am I hibernating for the winter? With the end of the winter came the end of my obsession with Jonathan February 14th 2018. 9:21 pm I spent about 2 and a half hours wondering whether I should head out to Brooklyn or not. I've decided to just let it go because I feel tired, which is partly because I smoked indica a few times today, god I'm a lowlife, and because my mom just gave me a big chunk of cash so I am kind of okay on money, and I'm getting my period in a few days, and I feel tired and sick and depressed and I want to eat and be alone and watch gossip girl. Yeah that's a lot for a simple decision. But that's how I feel And I'm messaging Michael on the side. No skin to skin contact. I want it to be real and I want him to not smoke and not drink. I can't change him. I can't change anyone. I only have myself for now. This is taking such a long time to achieve. A whole year back from brazil and I'm only just now feeling okay getting out of bed.do I get a free passed to be depressed for my mental illness and my eating disorder? Do I get a free pass to skip out on participating in society because of my sickness? Do I need to show you my card? No? My back hurts. Is that okay? I mean I already did it so I might as well sink into it. The warmth surrounding my spine, the warmth from laying down with nowhere to go. Under the blankets in my dusty room. Overturning seasons are gonna shift me, maybe catapult me out of bed, get something new into my head and heart, a fresh start, turning seasons clashing winds I'm stoned ** I swept in with a green arm from my heart,  I recently became alarmed, i lived for good hearted cheats ** There were once 4 friends There were 6 friends 8 friends To begin With a heart wrenching grin, something I've never felt before, raw, fresh brain and blood, carrots and celery Fresh frequency vibration, fresh obsession To begin to let him in, I catch the initial impulse to grin and to do things that make me giggle, how can this be? We wanted it so badly. We were going to win it I'm tired I failed I'm broken We wanted it so badly So desperately The longing sure brought distance, confusion and dismay The distance brought more distance And that's the way it stayed It wasn't ready yet There were fruit trees and global warming superfoods, stress relieving teas, tincture and oils, it was the place of your dreams. There was no more running around. It was an oasis. The hardest drug was white sugar Old vibrations I was violated like every woman has been I didn't let false memories in This is what was going to kill him The guilt, dismay and distance, The stark madness of his bloodline The starved for attention side The not-quite-as starved for attention side Old distractions Old veils of lace collecting dust in a wooden house. The dust is overwhelming. ** Yeah I had a vision It was self serving I had an intuition And that was self serving too I had a charitable notion That made me feel good I wanted to wail, sing, scream, cry and collapse I wonder how it sounds joyously If joy was the secret ingredient Please be safe Yeah I had a vision I had to go back to the beginning To be a single serving Single cell Alone and lonely Alone but not lonely Waiting for the train Waiting for the performances to start I had a charitable notion And it fit in perfectly with the rhythms I had come to know as the "Rhythms of life" That resonate inside and out I'm lonely and it sinks into my body ** Performance 2/9 Garota de ipanema Linha de frente Je cherche un homme So sei dancar com voce Love me or leave me Blue skies God bless the child The very thought of you Moi je joue (?) Corazon culpable Ok ok Help me I love her red hair I love kanes strangeness I'm falling in love with Jonathan's friends I come from Kansas I come from the desert I've come to find you We were meant to be together Ok help my comment ** I have horrible boundaries sometimes. It would have been easy to feed off me but I ran to hide away and at least bleed in peace February 8 12:04 am Why do I miss Ariel and Michael and these men that can just drop me Why do I even care? February 8 8:41 am My body is all out of whack. I'm holding my shit in so they can test it at the doctors and see if I still have a parasite..I hope its okay. My man he song he don't love me I wonder what size my waist is now Shit 110 pounds 85 pounds. No, i don't want to be helpless. But I am helpless. Its gonna eat me. I'm gonna hardly eat I feel like I can't stop. Am I eating disorder again or is this healthy...? Don't go under 100 12:42 pm They wouldn't see me cause ibdont have insurance I have Michael and spirit guides In my pocket Wrapped around string on my finger Fingertips are red Distractions. Retract exact upset perfect worth it 110 85 countdown crap I'm psycho again, I'm slurring my words, someone take me away, I'm sinking, what do I want? What will i take away? I want bread and sea salt. Potassium chloride Distractions SiO2 Fe4 February 9 2018 Still obsessed with Jonathan. And Michael. But more so Jonathan. And duke. But mostly Jonathan I have some questions: Is it because he is actually perfect for me...or am I losing it and projecting all my fantasies on him. I want to be seen as someone with power, as a queen, as a solid entertainer, sometimes a recluse... I don't... I had a dream what was just me holding him for a long time. I loved that feeling. My whole life I'm just afraid that I'm imagining things! Still. After all these years, I'm still having problems because I think I'm imagining things I perceive. Every note was right, every notion was right. Im going to find you. I sniffed him out, I did it, I really fucking did it, I knew who I wanted to see and I found them by following my heart. .. It feels so mystical to me Okay. So I need to know if its me he was dreaming of as a teenager. That's something i might be imagining? I love feeling his feelings and hearing him. I think it's really sad that my insecurities are blocking me off from getting to know him. In holding myself back for a few reasons. I feel like I always set myself up for and expect heartbreak. So why try right? Sigh. Wrong. It was worth it to watch them play and talk and learn about him. He's water and I'm fire What is the point of this even happening? Its flushing to the surface all my obsessive thoughts and jealousy. I don't know if I'm going to be okay. Because its not just allegra, its not just ali or Rowan or Celeste, its all of them, and me thinking about it is probably just going to make it happen. I'm anticipating this tragedy. I want to eat. I want to understand, because it's not just Jonathan Edelstein its every man. Why I become fixated, and I need them to satisfy my every whim and just...be like me. But I want to be like him. I really like how they accept me. I like the memories from the summer of going to his shows to gauge his reactions to me and find out if it was worth it. I like my memory of kissing him outside terra firma. I could swim in it, I could swim in the anticipation and knowing it was going to happen before it happened, and deciding that night would be the night I kissed them again. I want to go home and have someone else in my bed.. I'm swimming in my fantasies I like my memory of making out at the glove. And feeling clumsy. And feeling him. My heart.... I wonder what they're thinking about. And I'm uncovering all these desires i had that I wasnt aware of. All these scars and blisters I thought were just a part of my personality are taking on new meaning. I don't know. This is fun but I can't help but think the relationship is doomed. I'm too in my head, too paranoid and schizophrenic to be able to have a real relationship, I'm too demanding, and I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to me above everyone else. I'm too demanding. Doomed.  My fate is sealed, I will end up in tears. My heart lead me to Jonathan, and my heart is telling me "this is it" This is going to make me cry. It already has. I'm going to want to throw myself in front of a train. I already do. How could it get any worse? It can get worse. I'm going to get frantic if he comes to my show tomorrow. I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit up all my thoughts. I'm going to render myself incapable of functioning in mainstream society. I'm going to kill someone. I don't want to believe its doomed to end with me crying. Maybe relationships aren't really like that. Maybe we can just develop together forever and have other partners. What if they fall in love with someone else? I have to accept their decisions. What if they don't fall in love with me? I have to accept their decisions. I'm going to kill someone. Its not me is it? Why am I being this way? This is more extreme than before. I don't want them to be free. I would keep him in a tank in my bedroom. I wish he was like, a ken doll, but still Jonathan. This is going to end badly, im going to get frantic when I see them. How can I establish my position as "someone you want to know" and "someone you come home to" or whatever it is I'm wanting. I feel like I want to wipe out the whole rest of the world so I can be alone with then.  I can't do that ** So if I deposit all the cash I have In my room I still won't have enough for the guitar. If I move everything from my venmo and PayPal I think I will have enough.. For the first payment. Then I basically need to have 100 dollars in my bank every month for like, 4 months Is it bad that I still like duke? If I can make the first payment on the guitar then I will be able to have the guitar ** February 4th 2018 SHARE THE SURPLUS SPARE CHANGE PROSPERITY BROKEN TRAIN OF THOUT BROOKLYN DISTRACTION INFATUATION DUKE EMILY JAMES JONATHAN RAIMES I LOVE YOU February 6th 2018 2:11pm Mildew is mold old is not taken care of, nobody cared about me, kassie, duke I wanted them all I wanted their skins and hair. White black brown I dont care. I wanted their skins. 6:35 pm Yea maybe you're thinking everything up. You're feeling everything. Screaming. Staying on task. I just need a hug **January 28 2018 2:49pm About to lose it. Honestly I kind of like the idea of having a breakdown. I kind of want it. I want things to fly out of my control. I'm making myself lose weight again. Hopefully it doesn't get out of hand, but i feel like hope isn't going to be enough for me to keep my grip on being healthy. I have to genuinely want to be healthy. And part of me...doesn't want that....part of me wants to be messed up. And I know why. I know why I see it. I know why I see it, I see myself singing in subway tunnels singing earnest deadbeat artist, I see it I see myself, imagining colors. Help I I I I I I I I I i don't know what to do about this obsession, the same one Its the same. Its because of my family its because of society. I'm exhausted. This ruby around my neck is speaking to me I can't help it I need help I want this desperate feeling more than anything and the desperate feeling Wants me, I must be running low on serotonin But more than serotonin or oxytocin I want friends, I want someone special Help me I need help. Everyone is doing better than me and nobody sees me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck why did I write that letter You know what that's really how I feel.  It was that or starve yourself so he'd notice you!!!!! What's wrong with me I think ill do both Help me help me help me 1/29/2018 9:15 am Thank god Maybe I should have not said anything I'm tired See colors flashing See people dancing I'm tired Maybe I should have never written that doctor That letter Need a latte That doctor Need a doctor For my intestines and herniated walls Hemmorhage Hemmorhage Significance February 2nd 2018 10:25 pm Hey duke, hi, you make me nervous, and excited. I still like you. Is that bad? Is that ok?  I can't think straight.... Is it bad that I still feel attracted to you? My intestines ** If I tried too hard would you still like me Willl you smile my way will you even give me the time of day My fantasy not easy to please and today I really hope to hold you in my arms And sigh a long time, I'm so tired of life, but boy do you look good under a gray sky I miss you so bad, you were the love I at once had, and I've never truly had. I love you dearly no matter what you say to me, being in your arms is a sugar high. It was never a waste of time Now you're far away again But in my head I can hold you close to my chest I'm writing another love song today Another earnest and yearning Another please notice me kind of melody I can't get it right So I'm not gonna try ** January 27 11:09 am In case you didn't understand what I was saying I'm still really into you I have a crazy theory i will need you to confirm or negate But wait because I don't want to come off so crazy. Maybe its too late for that. I'm not that bad. I could have actually stalked you if I had wanted to and I kind of did but I was never going to follow you to your house. I promise I'm honest. I say what I'm thinking. It would take a lot for me to be that obsessed But relatively I'm still kind of obsessed I'm cringing at myself. Wow. I really kind of spilled my guts to you. I was in disbelief for most of the night. I dont know what the right move for you is or if there even is one. But honestly anything you say to me gets interpreted the same way "He's into me" Because I'm into you Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I always used isolation as my best way to deal with external stressors. What do i even want from you? What do you want from me? I'm starting to get new opinions. I get new opinions every day Everything's my fault Sad songs I'm thinking about fucking you again which means its going to happen unless I completely turn in the opposite direction Honestly I felt just as jealous when I saw you talking to Rowan Maybe not EVERY girl but a lot And I know that's my problem now Anything I understand. Its your nature. You probably talk to everyone like that. God your so accepting and supportive I'm gonna fucking come You're lucky you guys had basements Help me I live in an apartment I can't have a drum set here Once I start making real money I'm going to get a house Anything for my feelings, to feel good, to feel like myself. I digress What's best is nothing I like everything the way it is. I was hoping I could get on your bad side and be rejected but I guess you're not gonna throw me out, I guess you don't really do that to people. That was directed to a person now this is for me January 28 2018 12:43 AM I swear I really think I can hear peoples thoughts when I smoke. Delusions of grandeur? No wonder. I can't help myself. I feel dusty. Literally dusty. I hate society, for a few generations now I guess what it comes out to is where you feel best, you try to escape but there's no rest, you don't listen to new music, you don't know what's right, your aim is off, you're always wrong Your friend is gonna wake up, she's right in front of you, she's me and you ** I'm proud of myself. I'm embarrassed too, but fuck it. My health always comes first. I've come a long way from high school. But I'm becoming cold hearted Jjanuary 26 12:32 Everytung I think of becomes real ** January 23rd Ha oh my god I always want to tell everyone about my eating disorder but I never did but I kind of forced you to read it. I'm still questioning my decisions. I feel like I'm 16. I still feel the same way. Maybe I can be more to the point today. Sometimes I have a hard time looking you in the face. Last night I really wanted to stay longer and just spend all night with you...but I promised my friend she could come over so we can work on songs, and I said yes without thinking, but maybe I should have told her another time cause I wanted you really bad. But I still feel confused. Am I annoying you? You seem to be still loving and I guess I'm not really that used to people reacting that way when i overshare. Which I used to do a lot and it felt draining. I'm sick of it. Honestly I want nothing more in this life to be natural and successful and play good music. That's the only thing that makes me sad about last night. My songs are simple to begin with. Its brendans fault January 24th 2018 7:05pm It keeps Repeating in my head, why did I have to tell him too much? Why did I write Jonathan that letter? Because I wanted to cause a stir and push my limits, I want to get on his bad side if he has one. Because I feel burning in my heart whenever I'm near him Here's another feeling I feel really sad that Ariel dropped me I feel like I'm not good enough for mainstream music I can't be the only one who feels that way I feel his absence Im sad about it. ** Don't come to me when you're feeling stressed. Don't come quacking like A duck. Done come to me sideways or crooked. If you get near me I want you in a state of near perfection, of endless beauty and bountiful energy. January 22 2017 11:47 AM I'm kind of stressed because of relationships. Like I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I don't know what it's like to not have to constantly prove myself. Its exhausting. I don't know what its like to not have sexual advances coming at me all the time, while simultaneously chasing someone who doesn't want me. I'm just chasing the feeling. I'm scared that Jonathan is gonna see that Brendan is into me and that I fucked him and he's gonna think "get me away from her" why am I fighting with myself over my feelings about Jonathan? I don't even know how I really feel. I think he's a twin of mine. And I hate him and love him at the same time ** Angelic realms. Death upon us. Death comes quickly, ripped from earth, its cigarette ashes, its factory smoke. What I wouldn't give to be a child at the zoo right now Angelic realms. Deathwish. Call your angels. Glowing might body me but i don't care because they're next to me and I sleep peacefully. I'm beneath the subtle churning.  I'm a worm, I'm an Angel, I'm what its worth the whole universe.  I believe in truth and peace and justice. What have you heard? Where are you from? Can you take me back there with you? A lovers job is getting so hard, but not enough for me. Death takes you away from the earth, the dark reaches of the universe become the corners of your bedroom, by comparison, to soothe your human mind. Giving back doesn't take any work when you're a goddess or a god, and everything is your creation. The goodness of creation is beauty and choice, comfort, joy, and ease. ** Songs God bless the child All of me Strange fruit But not for me Blue skies Black coffee Annie Clark Dream a little dream Marry me Body and soul Human racing These days All my stars aligned La boa Garota de ipanema Comofaz So sei dancar com voce Asesina Enamore How can this be Desperation Kidnapped Your life is a lie He is the sun and I am the moon Universal I just wanted you to try me out You only care about how it looks The very thought of you I love you porgy As time goes by Goodnight Irene Where did you sleep last night Anyone else but you Los ageless New York Slow disco Hallelujah House of the rising sun Polly About a girl ** NAME THIS BOOKING COMPANY I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!! ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I was always distracted. Weaving some half Baked string of ideas together. I guess we can feel everything, I can feel all your sadness, see it in your drinking, and your cigarettes, and I see it in knowing you still want to die sometimes. No I don't know why. Blue skies. Slur. ** January 16 2018 There are so many events going on in the city. There must be a big market? Gonna find out. I'm feeling my stagnant energy more than before now. I feel how some parts of me are just stunted and not progressing. Maybe that's why I always fall in love with people who behave in childlike ways 8:51 pm I have a fairly constant urge to be writing. But I trip myself up thinking it has to be beautiful, or it has to be poetic. I'd rather you trust me than to love me. Abuse tactics. The feeling is interesting. Because I do have abusive habits, not extreme but they're there. Before I couldn't recognize the feeling but now i know what it feels like, the hardness, and the dip in energy from the other person. Finally feeling like I have control, feeling desperate beforehand, like I've been walking around with this intense hunger and the only way to satisfy it is to get a man interested or make a woman jealous. I feel it when I do it now... And i don't feel helpless, and I don't feel like I'm a bad person, I feel like I'm hurt, and needy and I'm going to take care of myself until the day I die. Hard feelings. I wish I could always be writing. My greatest hunger is to capture my thoughts in their pure essence so that other people can see them. Why my own thoughts? Because I see myself as a reflection of greater society, I'm a mirror image of everyone who feels like me, and there's hordes of us, who we all feel the same but we haven't ever met yet. Sometimes I have really scary thoughts. Like, I feel terrified. Sometimes I feel scary things on people and I feel terrified. You have to let yourself have the experience with a helmet on. Never follow anyone unless you feel joy! Especialy men. Obligation is not a good enough reason. I want it so badly, I feel so lonely, i want to be with other people all the time Some unholy obligation I wish I had done my song with more clear intention ** Januuary 15 2017 9:25 AM Stop wasting your own time Why does it take me 2 hours to get out of bed? It is a choice I am making to get up and not do anything. Is that fair? Am I justified because I had an eating disorder and anxiety attacks that its okay for me to not have a job and only do art and have eczema and smoke weed? Do I need an excuse? The kitchen of my house is pretty dirty right now. I could be a good person and clean it up so my mom doesn't have to see it but I don't want to, I just wanna hang out and listen to music that's how in feel better I'm not cleaning cause I'm afraid of her reaction to not being the one to clean it herself no that's why its so hard . I feel like a teenager. Jonathan probably hates me my face is old my breath stinks my face is dry my rhythm is dry and hot and frying meat but anyway I think Jonathan probably doesn't even he probably hates me and thinks I'm weird and he just hates me why do I exist please stop I can't stop. I can't keep having anxiety attacks!!!!! Ideal morning routine: Wake up Drink water/smoke Go to bathroom Clean clutter Shower Practice songs or make breakfast **do all this w minimal phone usage** ** January 15 2017 8:06 AM Did you read my last letter? Was it making sense? I don't know why I'm being like this. I will try to speak from my heart. Its like, you live in Brooklyn, I live uptown but hang out in Brooklyn a lot. I don't usually think about people the way I think about you. I don't know why I've had a crush on you since day one. My feelings feel heavy. I never really considered that anyone I know would be polyamorous. I thought that you didn't make it clear at first, at least I didn't understand it until way later then it made sense. And that kind of made me mad. But I didn't think it was the worst thing in the world. Its not like we ever hang out. This feeling is learning me a lot. I feel manic 1:36 pm I just need you to understand how I feel I feel really desperate I thought I wanted to be with you but I'm not and I'm not happy Every time I see you I go crazy January 22 12:45 pm I'm going to see you today. Some of my friends are underage. You still don't care about me. I'm trying to provoke a response, I'm going to expose my underbelly here. I'm pretending I don't know when and I don't know why I feel this way because I think knowing feels unsafe but it hurts to live a lie, am I making sense? I know why I feel this way. I recognize myself and everything I want in you. I want to use you but I never can. I don't know what the future brings, but I hope we're still friends. If I can't use you, then I have to become the person I'm wanting. Ill pretend I'm you, and write myself a letter, under a full moon, from my heart, and all the love in the world will come through, under the full moon. If you're not a woman you won't understand the experience of a reproductive cycle, every month my body gets ready to have a baby and then releases the blood and nutrients because I have never been pregnant. Not to get distracted, but, I have a lot of ideas I get competitive with other women A lot. I feel insecure, I worry that there is a shortage of love and partners which is totally not true but my limited human consciousness just needed some assistance with that. Are you still paying attention? If I look back to when I was a kid, I can see that my intellect was always what got me attention and love and molested, so that's why I get so weird, and why I find it so easy to draw in men who value intelligence, but then it feels like I'm about to be molested so i drop them. Too much yet? More unnecessary personal details below please give me back my phone if you're not gonna still love me after this Sorry I'm way better at writing sometimes * * * * I was anorexic and bulimic because I was constantly encouraged to lose weight and it was impressed upon me that I wouldn't be valued if I wasn't thin and beautiful. I'm still fucked up I have a hard time being around food. Maybe you noticed. I want you to worry about me Constantly critiqued for my food choices. Everyone eats garbage. I hate everything. I love everything. I'm every woman its all in me Why I cant do anything without it coming up. Its not a competition but it is. If I don't....if I don't....then she will win....and something will kill me and I will die alone. My basic human brain. Still a caveman at heart. This is why I can welcome the digital age and new faces of humanity. Please for the love of god bring me something I like. I won't die alone. Because I am going to love every day. With or without you, on the radio or in a bar, for myself and everyone else but mostly myself. I love you! ** I wish my mom had let me stay in the hospital. I wish I wasn't too afraid to disobey my mom when i was 16. I wish I was still anorexic so people would be worried about me. ** January 13 2018 I THINK I HAVE A TAPEWORM by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener I keep feeling like I want to tell you something, so I tell you what I'm feeling , but more comes out. More than i planned. And I keep feeling like I want to tell you all these things but I just don't because, they aren't nice. Every time I see any girl get near you I flare up inside. But I don't say anything because, I don't think that's right.  Like why would you even listen to me what would the outcome be? I think you don't value me at all, not any more than anyone else you know. I'm just like everyone else, and thinking that hurts my soul. I was obsessed with your band. The fact that you're even in my life means so much to me but I want you to be devoted to me, why? I don't know why I just do. You are so nice and sweet. Pplease don't sleep with allegra. I would scream if I saw that coming. I can't have you. I can never have you because I don't want to go after you, because I think that's a mans job,and I think you're the man and I'm the woman. And I feel sad all the time. I tense up when I see you. You don't care about me. I smell like garlic I have a parasite. You don't love me. I don't know why but when I see you I want to tackle you Either kiss you or punch you in the face You make me so mad I have asexual tendenciesI I'm I still think about other guys, but youre always fresh in my head, gender is real, but not static.  Hey man. Do what you like. I just wish you actually wanted to spend time with me. I'm always going to feel this way. I'm always going to be jealous of everyone else you love I was obsessed with you in high school. Like, is this going to wear off? Do you imagine yourself being with people forever? Cause I'm doing it. But in truth I can't see it with you and me, only a feeling. Liike a burning in my heart whenever you look at me. I hate you. You don't care about me. I don't care about you. I think I do but really, when I see you I think about myself, and how good it would look to everyone if you were mine. I hate you. Leave me alone. I think you're great. You're so nice. Even your spine is fine. It could be. But she won't. She will. Fuxk this shit. I know I'm never going to get rich playing in ridgewood and bushwick at random bars only playing to the other bands and juno and Andrea. I know that. Haha. Do I have to talk about wanting to suck up everyone's feelings? I want to eat them up,, every lonely musician I've watched in empty rooms. I want to hold them in my heart. Just go and play. To no one. I have to kind of respect that. I want to understand people who play in empty rooms, I want to understand artists, I want to understand poor and rich, I want to know someone who can sell out Madison square garden, I want to be everywhere and leave my body at night. I want to hold everyone sometimes I feel like I'm in love with everyone but I'm starting to think that's normal. You don't care about me. I only care about me. I can't live like this. You're so important to me, everything you do, I'm sorry I don't speak, everything has been different since i found you. I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong, i just think I have a literal parasite. Please don't introduce me to anyone this year. I'm going to try to forget you exist because I have twisted intentions and you don't want me anyway You never loved me Please don't say it again unless you want to hold my hand in public. Was it not obvious? I hate you pay attention, stop hiding, why won't he talk to me? How can you be so smart and so retarded at the same time? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? Be with me all the time. Maybe go away because I can't look at you or talk to you without losing my mind I'm mad at you. ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house, and we would watch movies that would soon win awards. I can never watch movies, it was only with you..? Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I've never felt like that around anyone before. Like i just wanted more and more. You were the only person I ever wanted to fuck 4 or 5 times in one night. I wonder how it made you feel.  It felt like I was getting somewhere, like maybe my husband could be an artist like me, maybe you could be my husband. We were always meant to be together for a time but I looked into every timeline, and we are crying, we don't stay together for a long time. I've never felt anyone in my heart like that before. I think about you sometimes. I wish I could be with you. I wish I could be with everyone. The last 2 time we fucked I ended up with a yeast infection, so I stopped. I told you I loved you but you didn't believe me, and then I didn't believe myself. Its not movie love. I love a lot of people. And I won't fuck any of them. But I do love you no matter what you say. I wish we could be together and I could hold you in my heart and make all your pain go away. Remember how it feels to be young? I kiss you when I'm dizzy, I'm feeling hazy, I see you through the haze, I love you, I'm insecure, I'm afraid, Friday, I wish we could be together like in my fantasies, just us two with only each other to hold. I don't know. Monogamy is unnatural but I can't help imagining id be very happy to see someone commit to only me. It never ends ** So this might be a shot in the dark but I had this idea that i could sell peoples art prints with your information at events. I'm putting A bunch of events in my calendar and hopefully i can be more on it this year. But I don't know I wanna have fun and travel so im I'm so obsessed Eso no es amor, eso se llama obsesion Oh god Spring equuinox event ** I feel really ignored Its Giving me a headache.  Inspiration is few. Caffiene withdrawal. Has gotten me. Its It really hurts me I think you want allegra I think she's more important to you than me I wish I was important to you I wish there was someone who wanted to see me every day. Im sorry. Obviously this love was never meant to be. I'm lost in fantasy...please now you can leave I really like that I can use my menstrual cycle to guide me. I follow the same patterns every month. I always really want to eat a lot around the time I'm ovulating ** Monday january 8 2018 still obsessed with Beinng skinny ** Music in. 2018 Have people playing woodwind No impulse is too out of control No impulse is too crazy No impulse will get you killed I wish I could fly No impulse is too weird for me A full impulse is a big wave and I watch it from start to finish. And then there was millions of tiny ones I saw you last night in my dream Usually when I meet people in my dreams its at a party, but it felt like I saw you in the park in the summer You wanted to be there but wanted to be somewhere else, you looked so happy to see me I love to look into your eyes, its the easiest thing in the world. At every impulse I thought I was gonna cry and I'm still waiting for it to happen in real life. But my dream was easy and started with a top 100 song I wrote for a celebrity And my dreams dont think in regular time And it kind of cross faded, and bounced around like all these colors so I could meet you on the park bench again. The dream didn't end in my sleep but if it had I think it would have ended like this: You looked like you wanted to leave, and a rushed voice in my head told me, "Tell him something.  Tell him he can do anything in his heart. Dont leave him so soon. Dont leave everyone bad confused." And I rushed to tell him, and he tells me, "its ok" ** HEMMORHAGE You only care about the way it looks and you close your eyes to see the stars but They're too far away They're too far away and your just imagining it its just your imagination They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Its inside of me it has a funny smell you keep saying its okay but i don't feel okay I'm gonna give them hell they're dying in the street Leave me alone I can't be with you today I wish I could hold you in my arms I wish i could hold you in my heart They're dying in the street Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** The only reason I'm doing it is for the music and the attention and the eyes laid on me and I can watch from a distance I'm keeping my distance the sun shines on my thoughts December 25th 2017 7:39pm This is what's been building up inside of me, the only natural consequence of inflicting possibility and inflicting freedom on yourself, there is only one possibility, we feel so Warm on the inside. I want to be part of a different world. I don't wanna **

[chaoscrystals]

Panhandling

Trying to hide it but I keep thinking about suicide. If you ever wanted to make an appearance in my life now is the time. I really need someone to know how i feel right now. I'm desperate to not feel this way. Please help me. I'm embarrassed because thisbisnt the first time I've made an emotional plea on the internet but I really don't know who I can turn to. I think my friends are sick of hearing about the problems i have or try to get me to stop feeling sad which I also can't stand? I guess I deserve this :( I've been seeing someone off and on since high school. I didn't have sex as much as they did but I always really liked doing it with them. You know,as long as it didn't get boring. I'm probably just making the whole thing mean more than it does. I hate myself. Maybe if I had more sex I wouldn't be so triggered by them ignoring me because I would have someone else. But I didn't even think sleeping with more than one person was an option until fairly recently. I found out they slept with a friendscne. I knew that I still loved them but knowing that made me jealous and upset. This doesn't feel good anymore. Its just like high school. I felt them so intensely in my heart and they always wanted to just be with other people. 7 years later and its still the same. They left me for someone else in high schooland no matter how much I think I love them they're probably just gonna do it again and not say anything until they miss me years later. This fucking sucks. Their name is Michael. I don't know why. They never hit me or anything but nobody has ever done this to me and I guess they were all just waiting for the chance to but he won out of everyone who I'm sure wanted me or wanted to wrong me. Is it really just because I'm needy?

[chaoscrystals]

diary

BOREDOME by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener I don't know what I identify as I don't want to identify I don't want to know I want to escape this story I want to be abstract artwork

December 19th 2017 12:07 AM

ONLY INSPIRATION

priorities for tomorrow: edit photos take new photos of different necklace colors write setlist eat well be friendly transfer item listings

December 19th 2017 12:15 AM

*

January 9th 2018

Mold growing under the rubber and above the concrete, my face itches, my whole body aches, and the mold is just there, not really bothering anything immediately but my face itches, and now my whole body aches, because i can't take it.

Sarah Mount Timi Kendrix Nova Luz Doo Dah Beasties

January 17th 2018 7:35 AM i want there to be a turning point, that i no longer thing about Jonathan as if he is a prop for me to live out my fantasies on. As if they are no longer someone i need to prove my worth on, the canvas i use for my own selfish gains. what the fuck is going on with me? I can't stop thinking about them, It's like i want a problem, it's like i want to be hurt, i want my heart ripped out, but it never comes, because he won't outright reject me, but he won't come and get me either, maybe because i didn't ask them to yet? this desire in my head to see myself as desirable through jonathan's perspective holds the same weight as my desire to be in music. It's like theres this childlike part of me that is SO DETERMINED to see this happen. see what happen? I'm really confused as to what I want to be honest. this has been going on for years. first of all, i don't know if they really understand that. Because i felt like this before i actually met them. and what did you see when you went to go find them? i didn't see. but after when i already knew where they were, i don't know i just see the same surging waves of green and blue and red in my heart, it kind of hurts but the more i look at it squarely the more i realize that it isn't real pain. this is one of the most consuming and exhilarating things i have ever felt in my life. I wonder what jonathatn would think if i said that to them. part of this is making me realize that i am truly very isolated here, even though i live in a big city and i even go out and do things, it's always been something with me that i coped with stress by isolating myself. I can see where i got it. so what do i actually want? maybe i would feel better if i figured that out first, because i am going in all different directions, and some of them aren't even enjoyable so i better stop. what do i want? i want jonathan to be my long-term partner what really? are you sure? why? are you sure about that? nah you're making it up. no i'm not what? I want jonathan to be my long-term partner okay so i think i might actually want that because if i came up with that in my head that means it has to at least partially be true, and if i'm being honest with myself, in my daydreams and fantasies, that's always what i see. I see us being together for a long time. the only thing right now is that… I don't really know what they're like. I can't say i really know them very well, and I don't really know what being witht them long-term would be like. Do i want to live with them? maybe if i'm honest about what i want, i will be able to move forward and potentially get what i want. hah. i'm a rat snake do i want to live with them? yeah kind of. what? how am i ever going to fully admit that's what i wanted the whole time? i guess i just did that's what i wanted from duke, and that's what i want from jonathan now.  I want to sleep with them and fuck them because i think if i do that's how you become in a couple. but i don't want to have sex with them for a bunch of reasons 1. am jealous of whoever else they're fucking 2. very jealous 3. so jealous 4. aside from feeling jealous and hateful, I don't see them, and i don't see them because i don't trust them, and i don't trust them because i don't trust myself, and i don't trust myself because i have never seen a world that actually benefitted me instead of hurt me. I am pushing them away when i see them because i insist that everything go my way or else i don't' want anything at all. but then i reel sad afterwards because i want to be with them still. i don't want to have sex with anyone until they have passed, like, a 3-date threshold. i can define it visually in my mind but words are hard at the moment. not dates because, i don't really go on dates or get taken on dates. that made me kind of mad i think i want to be.

*

wednesday january 24 2018 5:49 AM I remembered the day and the year. i have things i want to say to you again. it keeps running through my head! I'm sorry i think i told you too much. i just think i told you too much 9:07 AM the more i think about this, the commoner it gets, its so basic, i regret it but i'm glad i did it, i wish it was different and i wish i didn't need to lash out and i wish it was different, i wish i didn't tneed to tell you that but i guess i did, i guess i forgot, i guess i needed someone to worry i talk a big game but i have nothing to show. this is one letter i wrote but i don't' think i'm gonna send it because i just want to write about how bad i feel i feel pretty bad to be honest with you. i don't know where the charger for my phone is. pretty sure i'm addicted to weed. this is going away. its going a way. okay but why did i feel it was necessary to tell jonathan i was molested and had an eating disorder? why did i feel that was necessary? it almost feels like i span out of control and had no control over what i was doing because i've been wanting him to read my diary for so long. i think i could have really been fine without the last past and part of my letter, my last ghost, but i guess i just wanted him to know. i've never felt so uncertain for as long as i can remember, i really hope i get somewhere, i really hope to be different one casually waiting day, the minutes tick by and the sun shines, i lie back, relaxing, writing, knowing that it could all be different and i 'd probably feel the same why did i think that was necessary? the words anorexia and bulimia keep replaying in my head with the memories of vomiting. i want him to accept me, i want someone to accept me, he still feels the same way about me i feel like i didn't really get anywhere. this is this is this is this is too early to define but i'm pretty certain, I'm scared I'm not in the running cause i'm not fucking them, but he kissed me on the cheek and messaged me the next day, i wish i could lay down in the feeling of him kissing me on the cheek. i must be so meek compared to more people most other people. i don't know. just a kiss on the cheek. i want 10 more why do i care? why do i still want him? i'm passionately obsessed. teal swan said that when you're that obsessive over someone, it's because you recognize the qualities of the good side of your parents. i feel like my complex involves cross hatching between the genders, its not flipped and reverse but i have the complex coming from both sides. like, my mom and my dad. since i really want to actually understand why I'm acting like things i'm going to analyze it based on that oedipus complex theory since i don't know what else to go off of. so i recognize all the qualities i loved in my parents in jonathan. what about jonathan do i like? i like how he plays guitar i like how he sings and writes songs those don't relate to my parents? i guess thats more about myself i like how caring and kind and accepting he is i like how knowledgeable about music he is this doesn't feel like an oedipus complex. am i missing the connection? WHY DID I TELL HIM ABOUT HAVING AN EATING DISORDER why i am regretting that, while knowing that i ALWAYS want to talk about having an eating disorder. i don't understand. i guess i should just talk about having an eating disorder in general. i obviously want to. I'm kind of sorry i subjected jonathan to that. like how could he have known thats what i was going to write? thats kind of like, emotional enslavement. i feel bad but i don't think apologizing would feel good cause i don't. i think jonathan is ok with me having done that but it definitely didn't make them fall in love with me is that what i want? i'm getting a yes and a no at the same time yes because please he feels so good everything about him feels so good please never leave me i am obsessed this must have something to do with my parents no because this must have something to do with my parents, i really just want to be a jazz musician, but i keep hanging out in brooklyn because i'm uneducated, i really just want to be a jazz musician, and a punk musician, and a musician, and a singer no because i'm intimidated by them dating other women, i'm honestly just spinning away, maybe i missed my chance to tell them i wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, maybe my chance is right around the corner, maybe we would be okay in an open relationship, maybe not really but i can fake it. maybe the perfect chance is around the corner and it doesn't involve jonathan, despite my obsession, when am i going to let it go? everything i'm doing probably it if i do everything to try to avoid what i don't what, i'm just going to make what i want. so WHY am i obsessed again? what does any of this have to do with? the last person i felt like this about was either duke or michael. jonathan kind of, has his shit together more. i feel stupid but i guess i just was going to interpret anything they said as however i wanted it to be. when really the truth is they're just trying to be friendly. internal laughter. as long as he's near me. i have a new chance with him every day but i never take it, i'm too busy thinking about my own life. why is this feeling so complicated, why do i have to go through this alone? when is this going to end? how do you really feel about polyamory/open relationships? i think emotional polyamory is normal and healthy and sexual polyamory can also be, potentially. i'm intimidated by the other mates. i think i want to be on top. i woke up with digestive complaint today how could anyone love a girl so boring at the bottom of this is a feeling of self-loathing. god. maybe if i can get someone worthwhile to love me i'd be worth it. fuck me. why do i have to go through this feeling alone? fuck this. i need a friend. i need jonathan. i can never have you i can never have you okay nova keep thinking that. i think that. i think i can never. i help help me i said this i wish i could take it back. i wish i could take it back but cant and it doesn't even make sense to take it back cause it's the truth, i wish i lived in another reality but the truth is my obsession had only been slightly ameliorated i'm still here, the fire in my own belly. i can kind of internally understand the connection between my parents and duke and michael maybe i'm just taking it way too far. i always wanted to talk about my eating disorder. i have a persistent urge to be vocal about it, i can say from experience my feelings are always super valid and usually psychic my band needs to practice more but we need a spot. so for now i guess i'm going solo again because…damn brendan needs something. i am asking the universe for a few things at the moment. it works best when i focus on one at a time. and they all naturally go in the order of importance that i perceive to be correct. but today i'm going to hopefully set a big intention, asking for the answer to this easy question: why am i so obsessed with jonathan?

[chaoscrystals]

I dont actually want to die

Just to clarify This is meant to be a progression of my mental state And I have thoughts about wanting to die but I just Don't think I need to be scared of them too much Hope that's okay?

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 22

I guess this is the turning point for me. I'm almost embarrassed at how psychological my journey is. Its all thoughts... Its time to unearth the suppressed and forgotten memories I have, and hopefully uncover the cause and cure the cause for me not believing in life. Sometimes everything feels fake. I feel like I'm used to being dissapointed, and to hearing people talk a big game but have nothing to show for it, and its all breaking my heart. This has to be the turning point because I want to kill myself. So I'm sitting on the fence, like teal swan said suicidal people do. And I've never actually tried to kill myself, not like Michael who has tried to kill himself 4 times. No, I've never tried but I have been thinking about it for years on and off. I just wanna die cause I think everything is a lie. I feel like society is so sick, and everyone's just used to it, and everyone knows but no one is doing anything about it and I really feel like that's fucking retarded, and I don't understand how people aren't caused intense amounts of discomfort by eating refined sugar and salt, and how they don't cringe when they see a mother berate her child, or how I can just sit at home and watch everything happen, and not play with the other kids, I don't understand what they're talking about. I don't understand, but I want to. Isn't that the greatest human journey? Understanding everything. That's why this dimension showed up, right? So we could learn about how we really are. What a Fuck up, why are so many people choosing to not be aware? Is being unaware really so much better? Help. I'm arrogant. Fuck off mom it's not my fault you're behind now. How do you think time and children and society work? Of course I'm more future, helooooo. I'm not arrogant. Fuck I can't get it together if all these scenes from my childhood keep playing on repeat in my head. What's going on? Why am I alive? I want to kill myself I guess my main goal for today is to organize and categorize the waves of feeling I'm feeling. Some I like, some I don't like, some make me feel obligations and they are heavy. Fuck. * If you're polyamorous or in open relationships and you don't disclose that upfront, you're fake and wack and your so-called radical philosophy is actually just becoming your excuse to not confront your own emotions. Most people expect monogamy after a certain point, though I can predict this changing more than it already is now. I believe in freedom of association sexually and romantically HOWEVER most people outside of certain social pockets would be VERY upset if you and them were fucking and they found out that you had been fucking other people. I know these relationships go a lot deeper than just sex, so why don't we start acting like it? Every relationship involves emotion to some degree. Take responsibility if you've upset someone, or fall through or what have you. Fuck this shit, im sick of everyone hiding and being unresponsive. I do it too but it sucks!!! Fuck you Honestly its not natural to the human species to mate lifelong with only one person. But since we are the conscious ones, we can choose to do this and it can be healthy. How do I know it's not natural? LOOK AROUND YOU. HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL WITH THE FIRST PERSON THEY FUCKED?? Its up to everyone on an individual basis to decide their preferences. This means some people will choose monogamous relationships, and others will choose polyamorous relationships, and that's fine!!!! I want everyone to remember to BE FUCKING HONEST and to not get scared of the feeling of wanting to hide. If you're scared to be upfront about your relationships, you're scared that you're breaking a rule. Fuck it. You have to give people the freedom to choose BASED ON TRUTH and if they don't fuck with your lifestyle choices, FUCKING LET IT GO because there are so many other people just like you, I know it. I can't help it. No one is paying attention to me. I want this to change....I'm always thinking about Jonathan. Its a funny feeling, its unfolding, its different than before. I guess he's not the same as I thought, but also, he's exactly how I thought. I still want a relationship that's a partnership with someone. I can't just fuck everyone who I think I'm falling in love with. This year I have had sex with 6 people. And I don't have sex that often, but when I want it I go for it. Honestly I'm so depressed sometimes that I do it just to feel someone. Ugh. I always end up feeling sad. I really need to change my attitude towards this. Jonathan has soul connections with a lot of people..I'm jealous I feel so alone by comparison...I feel like he has all this soul family and so he's safe and he always has someone to message but I don't feel like that..I've always resorted to isolation, I've always isolated myself.. I don't feel so good. I wish someone wanted to be with me enough to actually pursue me. And be persistent about it. That's what makes me the most sad...nobody wants to be with me...I have to chase everyone around...help i want to die I want to cry I have to start by reaching out to other people. If my symptom is feeling lonely, the root of my illness must be being alone. Emotionally stranded. I feel like no one looks at things the same way as me, no one resents fluoride and refined salt, no one gets stunned and paralyzed by visions. I'm slowly meeting people like me. The antidote is at my feet. I'm sick girl I'm a sick girl. I want a relationship that is a partnership with someone. I'm so sick of this touch and go style of dating. I'm so sad....why is it so easy for people to just drop each other. I never forgave Michael for dropping me. Even though we were together for a few months this year, i never forgave him. I'm tired from the sugar I just ate. I want to kill myself and eat poison. But I have to keep holding on.. Ugh why.. I should just give up..I should just leave and throw myself down on the ground in the middle of a far away highway. I should kill myself. Nobody wants to be with me enough to persue me. Nobody wants to come to me. They only want something easy. Ill kill myself so they have a taste of what's to come, the drowning and ice caps melting, the violence, the language that changes too fast for you to keep up. Ill kill myself and then ill finally have everyone's attention. I'm lying to myself every day. I don't want this I just want to die. * I have an idea of the relationship i want. I want it. I want to sleep in their bed 4 times a week and hold hands and watch Netflix. I want to feel like I can rely on them, I want to make art and music with them. Why does Dustin have to drink and do coke? Am I going to keep acting like I'm okay with it? I mean...I am except for when I want to kiss them or cuddle them. Its like my standards are higher for romantic partners. Ew. We had such awkward sex. It would be funny if it wasn't so painful. I cried after because of my piercing loneliness. Shit, i can't keep going on like this. I have stated the problem many times and I am not moving towards any solution. IM FUCKING LONELY AS FUCK. I'm used to being alone because I had severe anxiety and it was the way I chose to cope but now it's getting old and Honeslty, I wanna live in a big house with lots of friends. I fucking cried. Nobody wants me. I have to go out hunting when I'm hungry. I wish he would do it for me But its not him either? His relationship is still digging into his sides and he doesn't eat enough. He's 28.. Fuck this Please I want to die * If this is inertia then what does passion feel like? * Cover songs to review Los Ageless New York The very thought of you Lover man I love you porgy Rehab You go to my head * Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy oh my god why. What the Fuck. I was supposed to be a boundary shattering supermodel by now. Down. I'm so jealous. Why is he like this? I have to...I want someone to pay attention to only me! I want Jonathan's attention I'm disgusted with myself. After this show on Sunday I hope I don't hear from them anymore There's no room for the poetry roses because I'm a recluse I have no room for poetry I miss Ariel even though it wasn't that great. I don't know. Maybe I'm just starved for love. Smoke a lot of weed. Maybe I'm just starved for affection, I dont know I know exactly what He's a same part of this stupid hierarchy I hate that I want to be on top of. This is compounded. The music industry. But I have that feeling in my heart and my hips. Touch me. Hold me. God I'm so lonely Fuck this shit. I will proudly be the opening act. I wanna see everyone squirm. What is it past your office hours? Ariel He is bad news It would be so easy for him to hook in everywhere I'm weak. My sexuality. I don't have room for sex and poetry, I'm a recluse, bound to fantasy, and sustained by fantasy Maybe the poetry is what I needed I feel like he looks at me and sees a fantasy but he can't be in denial of who I really am. I'm quiet. I'm not the next big thing, I just wanna play music, I'm not the next big thing, and if I was I would have much better material to present to the public. I want to play in a dive bar jazz band. I want to feel everything and be psychic. Not the next big thing today, maybe not ever. Its up to me. Why am I so stupid when I talk to them sometimes? Its like I start highlighting my insecurities which is probably the opposite of what a functioning person would do But honestly, honestly don't get anywhere near me if you ignore and disown insecurity. Think of all the people on anti anxiety meds. So its like, I have this twisted wall of thoughts up against the world. Because I'm trying to hold in my ideas about myself I feel like he looks at me with dissspointmment and resentment before ive even done anything. I don't like that.  * December 18th 2017 5:43 Am I can't initiate conversation with you, and I think I want to, but I cant, and it hurts, and I imagine you with other girls, and that hurts. Every time I see you even talk to another girl it makes me go crazy I don't want to feel this way. The feeling in my chest is going to fade away This feeling in my pelvis is going to transform me I have no choice * Tuesday set list The very thought of you If I ain't got you I fall in love too easily On the sunny side of the street * Allegra Allegria You can't use him If you liked my drawing, maybe I can read to you from my diary Maybe you'd like that too Hey I love you I can have him too I'm his favorite Full of doubt Pouch Pout Cryiing for someone to hear out out My music Cool Hey I love you too Pouch Famous Pain Passion Raindrops Dog shit Lately I Can't get enough of life * Ariel I'm gonna let my phone die. Im always gonna remember you for the okay sex and the way my heart melts when you smile. I'm always gonna remember your eyes and wonder why I even think about you, and why thinking about you pulls at my heart strings, ever since... The first date Rushing Realiziing that more than sex or status i want emotional connection and support, and loving intimacy, and for someone to see into me and take care of me Why? What's this rush of feeling? I'm addicted to the city. I want to leave. But not yet................... Maybe I can....maybe it's just once.  Why does this idea give me a burning feeling in my groin. I want you to take care of me It was the time a while ago you were waiting For me to make a move but i was waiting To write a hit song so I could be on my own Perpetually dizzy and in love with everything I'm well meaning but confused I'm not from here * Fuck you. Well meaning slob pulsing in my hatred artery in my pussy Fuck you bitch

[chaoscrystals]

there’s only one possibility

theres only one possibility, corrupted hard drive, full hard drink, hard disk hard drink deilious delirious spinning s bad barhelphelp helpless help me I'm gonna vomit in the street he's riding next to me on his bike, i'm so paranoid I'm saying for attention i need attention helpless me unclear reason being that i can't get my head i can't feel my nose i smell i can feel smell too much i'm gonna grow old too and croak and i already croak when i sing and i slur my words word vomit

everyone wants to be a celebrity sweet dreams with my darling annie if you a sk if you only wanted to be a celebrity, well, i don't know, why? please don't get too near me i'm questioning cause I'm confused. I'm singing the clues

I look back at my work and it makes me dizzy and i'm spinning and i wanna smoke weed and i wanna speak clearly, and this is hard for me, cause everything is fake and fuzzy and polyester and neon colored and making me nauseous, this life is too much oh my god i look back at my work and it makes me dizzy feeling feeling like i'm spilling over and out and i'm vomiting out my insides, and i want water and i want a new life, and i want a new world, and i've had enough of this world

because there's value in everything and nobody wants to see. i just want to eat something. i just wanna be something bigger than myself so i don't have to feel my edges, i want to be a part of everything else, i want to scream and sing and wail and cry and collapse,

[chaoscrystals]

I made my thing public

This blog was private for a while and then I decided I wanted to feel daring. Or darling. I dunno. I think of it different now that I know people could read it if they wanted to. I just don't want what I'm writing to change or lose depth. But yeah I made a few tiny edits but almost everything is how I write it in my phone like a diary almost

[chaoscrystals]

more novel ideas

AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS AND HEARING INTO NEW DIMENSIONS by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener December 10 2017 6:29 pm when i hear people talk, i always hear more than one word, multiple versions of the same phrase. Usually i don't know which one but i think they they could any one of them be the one

CONFUSION by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener December 10 2017 6:52 pm chaos and CONFUSION CHAOS AND CONFUSION I AM confounded SIMPLY ASTOUNDED waving and flailing and i don't know what to do with my self! i give up! i admit it! chaos and confusion and a mistake a mistake lead the way copper pennies subway train hear your name sounds the same i love you i do i love this tune i love you i do

EVERYONE IS JUDGING ME HARSHLY by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener December 10 2017 6:55 pm

I CANT LET GO OF MY ATTACHMENT TO SAM by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener YES, she affected me so deeply i had to write about her in my diary. I wonder what psychics say to her. Michael is still an angel. pisces my dad Michael will always be an angel and i don't know why. are you all on drugs? is every youth in new york city taking drugs? don't show me another screen Michael will always be my angel and your smell is still on him The truth is i can never forgive him for what he did to me in high school, so i've taken to holding it over his head, he's desperate for love like me, she's desperate, nice job, you cured your acne i'm impressed do you think about why? maybe we would be friends if we didn't have that story and passive aggressive Facebook posts agressive passive agressive boredom can't sit still its all on the windowsills, crystals and salt, markets, marketplace, open spaces, whitewashed, money, european, she doesn't look like me no and, we're brown, and colombian with white skin

[chaoscrystals]

Intense Jealousy Issues

Allegra's a better musician, Allegra doesn't have a dark disposition and she doesn't see the picture as everyone's a character in my life, i'm alone in the dark, and she probably has his attention too, thats all i ever think about, that's all i ever think about

BLINDING JEALOUSY by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener December 10 2017 8:13pm How much is ancestral memory, laid down like a blanket in the grass, or alternately, passed down from hand to hand, generation to generation without hesitation but maybe you should have waited, maybe monogamy is unnatural and you don't really love him. How much of it comes from a land far far away? where everything is colors and the color gray is cloudy days. She's a better musician, I'm going to stay bitter and shut down, I'm going to stay cold and alone, i'm going to stay inside. I think i might die this way. I think i might catch my death. God bless Lauryn Hill for being easygoing and honest, Ya know, I'm kind of a mess too, god bless you for the music I was born in New York City and I want to leave it behind. Leave it in another time. Turn back time, look away, run away and never look back, I want jonathan to cease to exist, i wish he was only a figment of my imagination so my obsession could be ameliorated By my sharp senses, my fourth dimension, my eleventh, by my sharp senses telling me he's gone away telling me it was only once and my lonely heart pushes them all away and i would rather keep my lonely hart and rainbows inside i think i might die

FITS OF RAGE by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener December 10 2017 8:13pm he will never love me they will always leave me they look into my eyes, hold my hand even and leave even fair its not fair try to make it cool i'm not a cool person, he will never love me, i live with my mom, i don't want to be on my own, i don't want to live in a dirty apartment with people i don't know, i want a family, i want my family to come to me, i want my friends all in a house together, i have always wanted all my friends in a house together i want all my friends in a house together i want all my friends in a house together i want all the friends in a house together i want all the friends in a house together i'm in pain, my chest hurts, severely, blinding, bleeding, ethericly bleeding, i'm screaming on the inside let me out of here, take me out of this world, i never asked to be born i never asked to engage, and i was torn from my essence like a page from a book, torn from the sweet surrender of being in between sky and sea, being nothing like dust, being the wind and the stars, the cool breeze of the night, when she goes out exploring. yeah its all me. carrots growing. Nothing like the sweet surrender of dusk and the gentle turning of the earth, the rhodonite and crystals bright in my eye, the malachite, the green mineral, the power in my head hands heart and heavy mind. Break it and you'll see, let it be just an idea, and let the idea bleed, let the ectoplasm be your game, like you were hunting deer. I think

[chaoscrystals]

novel ideas

I AM NEVER GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL by Nova Luz Palaquibay-Brener November 27 2017 11:16pm Nobody wants to hear about it. I have to worry about grammar and etiquette and not stepping on people's toes. What kind of life is this? Why have my parents and grandparents taught me to be afraid of living? What kind of hurt does offense really cause? Maybe it's a good thing if it makes you uncomfortable. Why? we've been over this. It's pushing your boundaries. The year 2017 is coming to a close and all my thoughts are all-consuming. I wish I could say I had just one, solitary, well-defined thought, like a pet rock or gecko. But no. My mind is a swim of memories and sensations and trying to helplessly predict the future. 8 times out of 10 i'm wrong I think I'm in love with someone called Jonathan. This is the closest I've felt to unconditional love, I think. I'm kind of mad at them though. I think they were lying to me about being in a relationship with Alexandra. Maybe she's not your "girlfriend" but if ya two were/are fucking and have an intimate relationship, then it's almost the same thing. I don't even know if i'm right yet because I haven't asked, but this is my hunch. I think they should have told me because it obviously  bothered me, and its 100 times better that they weren't cheating on someone who thought it was a closed relationship, but it still bothers me. The thought of them with other girls sickens me. They told me they are in a relationship with multiple people. It breaks my heart again every time I remember that. I feel my heart splitting in two. But then I just want them more. What's going on, is this healthy? I am never going to write a novel because I am scatterbrained and starved for affection. I see it everywhere I go but I feel this is something I don't deserve. My jealousy burns me at the sides and leaves long painful lesions. I want to be home.

December 8 2017 12:02AM EVERYTHING IS UNFAIR by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener Everything is unfair, I don't know which side to own, which side to disown, it's so much sweeter when you treat me, when you beat me too it is it is over done and burnt like my eyes I can't believe how achy my heart is how lovely it is to be blue, how lovely maybe i look lovely too, i am told i'm beautiful but nobody wants to caretake me and really i just want someone to take care of me

December 9 2017 12:50PM I don't understand why everything has to be a hierarchy or competions, i feel like a child, i'm a child and childlike, i might be asexual, i might be asexual, i don't want to have sex except for some of the time, but honestly lately, i don't really feel like i want to have sex anymore I want someone to put their hand over my heart and tell me they love me and mean it deeply, i want to hear their voice resonating in their belly and feel their hand over my heart I feel so hungry I feel so sad Everything I do is bad, I was always a disappointment, everyone sees me wearing black, everyone wears black now, everyone is trying to make a statement, everyone is failing at making a statement washing down the drain puddle of vomit rainy day I feel black, I feel bruised, I feel burnt, I feel influenced, I feel coed codependent i feel friendship i feel love

I AM NEVER GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener Bluebells swell sway melody swaying melody building on top of me fluffy bunny object idol i think she loves me I think she loves me I think she loves me the daisies are green and white and their pollen is yellow, I think she loves me, i thinks she loves me, She makes me feel like I'm in high school again and I like it, she's just the one for me, I never want to see another daizy dissy residual daydream insidious scheme not a daydream for the faint of heart, yes i think i've had enough. I think she loves me I see the number 33 I think she loves me I see the number 33

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my fone 21

Nobody can see me sometimes by nova luz Nobody can see me sometimes and other times everyone's staring glaring, like they can't get enough of me till I sink into my misery then its rough and ill see you later when your eyes aren't swollen His name was dean we met on a bus I never forgot his name. Prickles my senses and feeling so sensitive Lying in bed again It all hurts my head Who is he and when will we be together again? So who cares if he's watching who's picking my senses my senses are prickly my senses are feeling * He's probably thinking of me I can feel his thoughts in my head. This reality is split and no one wants to agree on anything. My nervous system is trying to tell me something. My headache is from sugar. The singer from guerilla toss was in the hospital. I have never met her. Sometimes being around people makes me feel constricted rigid ct ct sharp edges digging in from my sides, what I wanted to be might not be enough, brave and full, laying on the grass, I sweat and sweat and miss my mark, I lay in the grass again. These houses are abandoned but I can leave them dying in the street, at the very least a shelter says the hippie but I leave them dying in the street, the only words I will ever need are happening now, breaking broken chain link rusted I wanna break em break em poison ire green rusted water I can leave them dying in a street I have ten glass towers I can just leave them be their dying in the street, they're dying in your home, they're dying in the street but I just leave them be * Skin melting off Gold Fire His voice in my head His hand on my belly My whole body hurts But he can save me I'm a blessing not in disguise I want to be aligned with The universal truth And singing is how I'm gonna do it * The way that most people treat their kids is insane and wrong. They act like they are not complete beings when they totally are.  In order to accept the wholeness of a kid, I have to be able to understand how they fit in to the fabric of the universe. In order to be able to work with kids I have to just be who I am without barriers. Sounds like a tall order. I see a parallelogram. I see a bunch, flashing different colors in my mind.bdbdbdbbdbdbbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbbdbdbdbdbbddbdbdbbddbdbbdbdbdbbdbdbdb * Stutter stutter nutter butter Embarrasing waving flags again But he don't know what its really all about Evil incarnate get your hands off the wheel You're not driving I am Everything weighs the same I'm just waiting for my coffee * Medium term goals: Make 500 dollars Get electronic drum kit Get small acoustic guitar Get band together Get job teaching kids * My heart is blue. I am sad and lonely. Seeking out something, anything or anyone that could relieve me of the strain, of feeling like no ones on my side. My green arm is dying. Umbilical cord feeding tube yellow fluid past life. Please someone notice me. All I need. Please someone notice me. Just some attention and ill be over the moon. Just a little attention from the man I have my eye on, the man I've got my eye on. Other girls * I like scrolling thru my facebook feed. If I didn't I wouldn't have seen all the posts about mental health awareness day and coming out day AND that I know a bunch of amazing people because I saw soooooo many hurricane relief benefits. I have 60 dollars set aside to donate, I just need to pick what I think is the best place to do it. So, in this week I want to make 2 late posts regarding these days because I want everyone to know about my life whose reading this: I think A LOTTT of people struggle with their mental health. Um I'm going to talk about my problems so here we go. I've had anxiety attacks since I was maybe 4 years old? I've hurt myself (not seriously but still hurt) during these episodes multiple times. I also had an eating disorder that I still struggle with sometimes. I get anxiety around food. I weighed 85 pounds at one point, I wanted to disappear and die. I weigh 125 now and I still want to disappear and die sometimes. * Rant alert What did I do to deserve to be into passive boys? Hah. Get mad about it. I feel like every time recently I've heard "I wanna get to know you better" it was a lie!! Nobody asks me out unless I don't want them to. Fucked. I feel so disappointed. Like are y'all afraid to approach women now? Do I seem that crazy? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I definitely identify primarily as a woman and I'm realizing it feels unnatural for me to initiate with guys. It like, hurts my soul. I'm so sick of this shit. I want a man who wants to buy me things. I hope this ruined your day fuck off unless you want to take me out and buy me things * Love and attachment I feel like I'm in a state of perpetual dizziness, or doom, I don't know what love is, my idea of love is a trade, freely given love. Just cause I don't have a band. I'm boiling over with jealousy, I'm fucked I'm in too deep I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams if I keep vibrating at this frequency. Narcissism is an excuse for poor boundaries. Jonathan doesn't care about me. I never really cared about him only his image and attachment Please grow an attachment to me Just kidding Not really I'm so desperately lonely. This is not the love I want. This is not what I agreeed to. I never asked to be born. * Fuck I'm addicted to weed and the internet I keep drowning out my own thoughts by internally shouting song lyrics..? * Its getting kind of ridiculous that I'm having so many problems cause I can't just ask for what I want straight up. This is connected to my jealousy of other women is connected to my feelings that every man that I like is seeing me . they are all somehow connected. Am I really...yes. What is so bad about just asking for what I want? Mom gets jealous and I am banished from the kingdom. It feels like. I can't have my own desires. What o want is incorrect I want to be different I want this all to make sense Why can't I ask for what I want if I know that? Why Jonathan doesn't ask me how I'm doing. Why I'm never going to be a regret. Or always. I don't know. What even is the point. Of a relationship. I can't force it. I don't want to force it. I don't want to clench my butthole whenever I ask him hi or think about it cause actually I never do * I wonder why I have all these coping mechanisms and what do they mean? Like getting Self conscious when I know people are looking. That's a coping mechanism because I learned that certain behaviors were always followed by punishment. Thank god for teal swan!! Madeline peyroux I can't blame you for all my insecure feelings. I should have touched your head. I wish I had the confidence to brush your hair with my hands * I love Jonathan hahaha he said he loves me in passing, said he cares about our friendship 1. what did you mean by a lot of people? I want names. 2. I'm sorry 3. So I'm just your friend? That's all you want? * Embrace a mistake Remember the mistake Take a break Have a laugh Take your time Take some of mine * I miss Jonathan. I want to grab his face and kiss it. Probably smell like food. This is so distracting. Did you ever want to be famous?  Are you restless in your heart yet? Are you restless in your heart? Do you want to be alone? Do you want to run away as fast as you can? I'm desperately looking for anything that will distract me from the pain I feel I wish I could be everywhere at once and have all my friends together at once. And eat more chocolate ... Maybe have more sex. Maybe get a boyfriend and only fuck him. Maybe get a place together and pay rent Is it wrong of me to be thinking so far ahead? I just want to eat and sleep. To hell with achieving anything. I just want to sing and if I can sing ill be happy Singing in harmony. I just want to eat and sleep and ride my bicycle until this building collapses. I just want to sing and wail and cry and collapse I just want a partner, friends, a mate, a collective, a team and I want to love them deeply when I look into their eyes. I want everyone to look around and feel love. I'm distracted. Is it my fault that men are so perverted towards me? One day maybe I can read my diary entries to Jonathan and he will understand. That's a Hebrew name. He's so smart. One day maybe ill have a blue bell cast of silver to hang around my neck, green pastures and lavender linens, nothing to do but pick flowers and smell them. One day maybe ill have a cast iron sword. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you Te amo muito Its hard not to smile when I'm lost in my thoughts about you. Sometimes I'm taken by a shock of shame and I yelp. I think I'm trying to purge all the bad stuff out * Wow it's crazy I'm really excited to smoke weed and eat and be stagnant * Annie I want to marry you even in your sweet and bitter days, you're paving the pavement in central park The flowers are shining, they're catching your eye under the streetlights And I wish we were far away, we don't belong to this earth, Annie I want to marry you Even in your dark and bitter days, you're shining in the moonlight, what can it do to me? What can she do for me What can she do for me Forget the past Break the curse share prosperity Even if we had a relationship at all, would I want to be with you when I know you're fucking other people? No. For me to even consider that I would need to know that I was a priority in your life. But obviously I'm not. * If I really wanted it, i would have it, right? So why don't I? He lives in brooklyn He is avoidant (not imagining it) I can't be the initiator, I identify as female He lives in Brooklyn and "fucks a lot of people" He never messages me Except about shows (I think its endearing) Lives in stank ass brooklyn!!! Brooklyn I have deserving issues so I don't fully pursue the things that I want I have low self esteem so I stop myself from getting what I want. I want to be as close to him as I can get We just live far apart and in 2 different worlds. Its a happy coincidence for me that our paths crossed. Funny how badly I wanted to go to that show that I met him at. I guess I'm getting used to the intuitions by now. I had been fantasizing about the guitar player from fiasco for at least 2 years. Isn't life mystical? Now I met him and I think I'm in love. I feel like I love him. IM IN FUCKING LOVE WITH YOU. SORRY I KEEP MY DISTANCE. EYE FOR AN EYE EH? PLEASE DONT HATE ME Honestly I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life. I can't tell if this is good or bad. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes I walk down the street unable to suppress a big smile because I'm thinking about them..and the fact they actually care about me..I'm so sorry baby. If i knew the answers I wouldn't be here.  I love you to pieces, I love every one of your pieces. Are you going to love me to? I'm holding out to know. I keep trying to get to the bottom of these thoughts but I feel like I just barely made it below the surface, I feel forgetful and ditzy, honestly, all I want is for someone like Jonathan to be holding me. Fuck.I feel like such a fuck up because I can't handle my own life. I feel so alone.if I don't build a network of people I can trust to help me reach my goals, I will probably kill my self in one way or another. We can mutually fulfill each other... I feel like such a fuck up because I know I want Jonathan, and he knows it to..but we still never talk...wow it seems like he really cares. I wonder if its an act so he doesn't have to feel bad about himself. I know what I want but I don't have it..so there must be something wrong with me. To hell with achieving anything. I don't care. Maybe if I was a different kind of woman, I would hold his attention better Its like this crush and this relationship is bringing out the best and the worst in me. My intense jealousy came to the surface. In a big way. Everything's coming up * My most important checklist for a cool, hip establishment Nice live music/pays artists as a priority Purse hooks under the tables/bars * I guess this is hard for me to say and be coming to terms with. Most of my less-than-joyful emotions. I felt ignored in the scene for a while. I mean yeah, I didnt work as hard was some of the people I've met so there's that. I wonder how many people notice the insane white washing though. And why is Brooklyn suddenly the epicenter for all this? Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if this was uptown and/or by and for colored people Buut this whole Brooklyn thing is a bunch of white people!!! I bet a lot of people I k ow feel angry at seeing another same looking band of white people get the features I want Fuck this. Why am I lying to myself? * Mental health post: I missed this on mental health awareness day when everyone was doing it. But I still find myself wanting to share about my own mental health. Cause it's a topic that gets to me as many people close to me have received diagnoses of mental illness/disorder when I view them as just, normal. I just want to write it out. The only thing I've been diagnosed officially with was anorexia and bulimia, and that's because I collapsed and went to the hospital. Regular doctor visits made me uncomfortable cause I thought I was supposed to tell them, and of course they manage to lose my records every single time so I have to re-state all my allergies and everything every single time until I stopped going, which coincidentally was when I started to actually become healthy again. Yeah I had pretty debilitating back and stomach pain for a year because of what I was doing to myself by not eating enough and making myself vomit for months and even years. Now all those feelings are coming back, and I've lost almost 20 pounds the last few months, and I don't want to stop. I want to stabilize and be able to just enjoy eating and not try to get to size 0 again. Honestly I'm disgusted by most commercially available food and it makes me feel sick. I can't eat a lot of the things that are common for people to eat cause it legitimately makes me ill. After the first bout of eating disorder when I dropped to 85 pounds and my heart started to give up, after that I developed a lot of sensitivities that I didn't notice before. I was binge eating. I hated myself. Sometimes I still do. Part of me isn't going to give up, and I'm going to keep losing weight because I think it will make people notice me. I'm at a loss. I've been trying to reason myself out of feeling this way for months but nothing is working. I need attention desperately. I need to know that people think I'm beautiful. I was always a little reluctant to promote my image as a musician or otherwise (everyone kept telling me to) when I was extremely thin. Someone that I know became quite well known while having an eating disorder and honestly they looked skeletal and it disturbed me. I was torn with blinding jealousy because they were white and blonde and gap toothed and getting all these opportunities. I was upset because I realized how insensitive people are, and how people can be in immense pain and suffering right in their faces and they won't notice and will even glorify their image while doing nothing to help or even care. Maybe I thought I was a good person because I was intentionally holding back because I didn't want to be any kind of symbol to anyone when I knew how unhealthy my body and mind were. Maybe it wasn't worth anything because we can still have an oil spill in 2017 when energy alternatives are widely available and I have done nothing to help but lie on my bed and have anxiety attack after anxiety attack because I need people to see me but I don't find myself beautiful or pure enough to be worthy of being seen. All I see everywhere is suffering and I wish I could hold everyone the whole world in my heart so we can be together and never have to be alone again. When I get like this I resort to isolating myself. I don't want to re-live the whole thing again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not understanding. Im sorry I'm always too lost in my own thoughts to care. I'm sorry for all the animals that are being subjected to toxic environments and getting new sicknesses. I wish I could hold everyone in my heart.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 20

Songs I have written recently: Where does pain come from? Fumbling in love Romance is dead The many paths and their overwhelming generosity Mercy escapes me like hot steam Well, I'm jealous too * Ukulele songs for 9/10 Easy living What a wonderful world What a little moonlight can do I believe in true love I believe in miracles Sea of love Three little birds Stormy weather Blue moon * Manic mantras of September 10 2017, a piece by nova luz Do it at the right time and in the right way. Your intestines will be grateful You love them more than you can say You think you love him but you think it might go away You still want to kiss and hug him You want to feel your body Sometimes you want to die And sometimes you think "i just can't get enough of this life it could never be too much" * More thoughts about Jonathan How long will my feelings last and where will they take me? I have to let go enough to enjoy myself. I feel a hole in my heart that I thought music would fill but it's not quite doing the trick, I want to be surrounded by people. I kind of wish I was going to his show instead of the one I'm going to be playing at tonight. Oh well. Maybe I can go say hi afterwards I went to try and find him and he wasn't there. I kept having flashbacks to when  was royalty giving away everything I owned. I imagine her to be one of my past lives. It also really got me thinking about masculine and feminine dynamics in a relationship. Like am I behaving in a masculine way if I'm the pursuer? I feel really stupid and like I've already done a lot of stupid things like imagining that he had a girlfriend! I unfriended him on facebook and everything. Self-hatred. I wonder what that's all about. There wasn't anything between them at all? I actually do have really intense jealousy issues and i couldn't recognize that in myself my whole life. But now I have. I am a very jealous person sometimes. And I'm insecure cause my mom drilled it into my head that all men cheat and are bad. Hah Fuck I want to scream. Its not worth it to hold onto but damn There are certain energies in my house that she doesn't notice and I shouldn't let it get to me but I do. She will leave her trash anywhere on the floor or just anywhere but can't admit to it * Here is a strange thought What if the real reason I play music is because I need the attention? Or because I think it will get me a man? What if that's the real reason? Fuck this mosquito is fast I keep having all these thoughts. Thinking about sex a lot. * Why? I have to be screaming. I'm in agony. Please don't leave me. Eevery day crops up a new bunch of thoughts I don't feel ready to deal with. Why do I have so much resistance to my own thoughts? Haha. I can't help but laugh. My desperate tries at being a musician. It shouldn't be a hierarchy of who's a better musician but it is. Okay I have to be honest with myself: I've been really disgusted with the big name bands and big name venues and whatever big name artists I encounter for the past few years...and I feel a little morally superior for avoiding those places and people. But the truth is, I want to be a part of that world, and I still kind of want to be a big name myself. Or at least work with big names. I have to admit this is the truth. I want clout and attention. I just do. * Short term goals Follow up w yo re mi Learn Hawaiian songs (at least 3) Listen intently to music Think intently about music Release resistant thoughts about music Set up online store/ focus on making and vending jewelry * I think that nobody realizes!!!!!!!! * What's an image what's a red banded branded Christmas tree out of season what's a starter how's it gonna start her not the seasons but when the seasons had reasons, oh I remember those days well. Aren't I old? And you're only 22 you're so far removed from the world I once knew. Rolling meadows and green everywhere. You youth only know rolling blunts * Hey are you noticing me? How do i make you feel? Is there anything you wanna tell me? Do you care about me? Do you hate me? Do you have a crush on Marisa from mannequin pussy? Are you two friends on Facebook? I'm not going to look right now. Will you tell me the truth about these kinds of things? Can you help me? How? Well okay, I'm gonna start letting you help me. But first we need to hang out more. We never hang out. I hate not hanging out with you but thinking about you all the time. What do you think of me? Do you have a crush on anyone else? Do you think I'm better? Is anything ever gonna happen between us or am I gonna end up on the floor crying and alone? Does it scare you that I feel this intensely? Are you scared of what other people will think? cause I am. What's gonna happen Is marisas music better than mine? Do you still love me? I'm living in a fantasy... Can you help me? I'm not okay and I'm supposed to smile. I'm supposed to listen. I like listening and smiling isn't so bad. I love you. Do you love me? I love you. Do you love me? Do you think I'm amazing? I think you're amazing. And if you thought I was amazing then I would think I was amazing. I have insane jealousy and insecurity! Do you love me? Do you think about me? *Am I in love with an illusion? Are the ghosts and illusions in love with me? Does it work both ways? Am I going crazy? Am I bending the fabric of space and time? Hmmm a mighty fine time love by my slide sleeping safe sound slander pander panhandle. I have no excuses I think I love you and I think I want to be with you very badly. I think about you all the time That's why I wrote you so many letters that I've never sent and spent so much time drawing pictures. I just feel like im seeing everything But its probably at least mostly in my head. Disclaimer: I love to self-isolate so...don't take it personal.. * I'm so smitten. I think I love him. I spend most days fantasizing about him. This is crazy. What if I'm wrong? I can't live my life avoiding heartbreak. What the hell. I don't care. Id rather him knowing how I felt, reject me, than hide how I feel but still try to get him to be mine and end up rejected cause I have too much internal conflict to even be able to handle it. * One last thing I tried to hide from my suicidal feelings but tonight I really wanted to kill myself, I really wanted to die. But I kept pedaling home. I don't know why maybe I think its the right thing to do. Its bad to want to die there must be something wrong Ha I really wanted to kill myself I kept thinking "I hate myself" "I hate everyone" "Look at us fools" I don't know. The world can burn and I can busy myself trying to MAKE IT * Mercy escapes me like hot steam When you feel like you want to die I sit and cry All the years are creeping by And my thoughts are a limit, an inhibition I know it could be different I have no mercy for crying Though its all I can do in the meantime, we really feel like dying If you really feel like dying You can have your angels write a sing a long If you do it a lot your heart will grow stronger Just go a little longer I don't want you to disappear I love you and I always have my dear Key of b September 2017 * Please love me? Did you notice? Do my pimples and little cysts that everyone has bother you? There's I'm a hallucinating a bad smell in my nose. If I had one hour left with you if read you all my poems. Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you think I smoke too much pot? Am I too stupidly romantic? * I always next to gargabr garbage because I have an infection that won't go away. I think if I decide that its going to go away and act that way then it will. Has my infection always been obvious? Have I always had the precursors to having this infection? Can I tell him everything? Can I tell him about the infection? * Do you love me? An interrogation by nova luz Does it bother you that my skin isn't smooth? Does it bother you when I complain? They say the human brain can't tell the difference between imagination and physical reality and I really think this must be true, because every day I think I'm falling in love with you but the you I love is in my head. We have a lot of conversations in my imagination but almost none in real life.. Do you feel bad now? I want to make you feel bad because you aren't paying enough attention to me. Its hard not to think in archetypes. Combinations of faces of what we are seeing..or want to be seeing. You're a face in my archetypal boyfriend. I wish we saw each other more. Why don't you want to see me? Why do you hardly say a word to me but when I want a kiss you oblige me? Do you love me? Do you care that I'm using the word love even though you're not my boyfriend? I feel like I'm walking to the edge and being on the verge of tears. The edge of my capacity, how much wistful fantasizing can I handle before it gets the best of me? They say you create what you think about. I believe it. I believe in a lot of things people think are supernatural but it starts to seem normal once you realize everything is imbued with consciousness. Um...is this interrogation too much? Are you scared? I have to ask because I need to know how you really feel inside. And not just about me. Please help me. * They say that you create and attract what you think about so then maybe it's not a surprise that years ago I was seeing flashes of my life today. Maybe even you're here because I thought about you so much. Do you think so? Do you think there's something mystical about life? I do. * Hey so I need someone who can keep me safe.I'm a woman. It feels unnatural for me to initiate everything. I heard you when you said you didn't identify as a man and honestly this was my reaction to it and you can tell me what you think after. This is how I feel about what you expressed: There is definitely a lot of reasons for you to not identify as a man, but I just want to bring it to your attention that there is a big difference between feeling that your gender and energy is not what you were born as, and rejecting the gender you were born as because it's associated with tyranny and evil. What do you feel are your motives for disidentifying yourself as male? * Presents for Jonathan: Anything that can open the third eye Anything calming Or grounding Art booklet Ideas for art booklet: I want it to be something with clear messages, since there's a lot of things I feel like I want to tell him. I should make a list of messages for him and create the art pieces to match. I want to make a second version of the cards I gave him because I feel like I didn't get it quite right. I can see it in my head. I want to give him some writings I've already done and some new ones. Should I send him the really manic ones? Hmmm.. Messages I want to give to Jonathan: Divine masculine/divine feminine Sickness is our creation and our job to cure truly. True curing seems magical to me. I love you I feel like we are the same It hurts to not hear back from you I love your name I don't know if the intense polarization I feel is a good or a bad thing I love you * You seem like someone I could share my life with. You're still some white boy and your aura is kind of...murky and weak but you are a sweetheart Why do you avoid me??? Are you ignoring me??? Why do I think I'm falling in love with you? You seem like someone I could share my life with. Oh fuck. Were you thinking about me too? Or am I just crazy. Please its getting to be painful. I need to know. Were you thinking about me too? Even though you didn't know who I was? Am I the blue haired girl of your dreams? Please help. Am I going crazy or is everything I think real? *How could it be that i have no idea what I'm doing or whats going on? I'm hungry Don't forget to make a note of messages received Everyone makes art Eveeryonne is afraid of aging because here on earth some people can't age with no grace or distinction * The way you left last night made me feel kind of hurt. I thought it was weird that you left so abruptly and i was questioning whether i was right thinking there was something between you and that girl and I was trying to keep my cool, from the moment I realized that was the same person I had freaked out over before. Like I believed that she was your friend and I actually still do weirdly enough not that its any of my business anyway cause you're not like, my boyfriend or whatever but I just feel like that. I was just sad when you left. Can I say something? I would feel worse if I just kept it inside. Its just that the way you left had me questioning whether there was something b/w the two of you and I know its not even my business cause you're not my boyfriend but I cant help it * Dear Jonathan wow it has been a whole week and you're still here!! Congratulations. I don't know how you're doing it. Just trying to mess with you I don't know why you thought you could ignore my text but then like my drawing on facebook o.k. that's really annoying!!! If I had one of those bags of apples I would throw them at your head!! Do you get it yet? Is there something to get? I would like you to. Do you have other girls you think about? Do you think about me a lot? I'm really jealous of your friend Ali Why did you leave like that with her and that old guy? You left in such a rush my friend noticed it too. I felt really hurt at the time and I kind of still do. Whatever fine she's your friend. But I'm still jealous and I still think it was inconsiderate that you left like that when I really think you knew it would make me upset. And then you didn't say anything when I messaged you. That was shitty. And then you liked by stupid post! I want to throw glass bottles at your head sometimes. Its like you drop off and just go into your own world. I miss you :( I'm still mad at you!! If you don't know what I want from you by now I'm going to scream * It ended up that my memory was good enough to not have to write down all the messages I receive. Hmm. I may have to write some down. Again, I know I can trust my intuition to tell me when is the right time * Congratulations you are our 100th visitor. I could scream in agony--i mean joy-- I'm breaking, I was already broken but I'm going to keep breaking more inside. I think nobody knows. And especially not you. How can I be sure You don't know what the fantasies are like in my head. I can't take it. It would be different if...it wasn't so far detached. And I don't know because I'm too scared to share 90 percent of the fantasies I have. It might be getting close to the time I have to go. I don't know. Its not that I have anywhere more important to be. Should I just say it? Please don't let me fall in love with you. I think you share my fantasies. I think me making jewelry is a sign from the divine and yet again I don't fucking know why. What about my blue hair? Have you seen me before? In your dreams? I think I need to bury my fantasies. Eventually. When they're dead. That will be the time. Get it out of my head so I don't feel like its me dying. What the Fuck?? Why aren't you doing anything? Why don't you ask me how I'm doing?I'm sorry that I'm so nervous you must hate me. I want to cry. I want to rest my head on your chest. I want to kiss you in Brooklyn again, I want to kiss you in my borough I want your hand between my legs everyone wants me but I only want you. I'm starting to see, you're very far away from me. Have you heard that the mind can't distinguish between thought and reality? So I was living in my daydreams and it felt like you were my boyfriend. I've always been afraid of deluding myself, because everyone around me seemed to have thought that thought itself was an enemy. Think about it Its all true Thought is adversary as well as friend. I know because if I hadn't thought my way here id be dead or non existent, barely a flash of lightning on another plane. Sorry I got carried away. You must hate me * I feel sexual I want him to be my flower My heart is far off. Longing and blind to what's right in front of me. Waiting to eat. Waiting to use the bathroom. Waiting in line. Wasting my time. Every day life is opinionated, it doesn't feel hollow anymore, since I broke the barrier. Haunted. Tells me where to go. Listen close. I think I love him I think it is our destiny to fall in love. Lethargy works like alcohol without you having to drink. Alcohol works like my kitchen sink. I think I love him. I'm never happier than when I'm daydreaming about resting my head on his chest, and we are resting in the grass. My magic is disorganized and has no ritual. I think I might feel a little better if I settle into a natural pattern, nature is my heart is far off is a forest is nature is my heart is running to catch me is right by my side again. Whether I want him or not when I think to it. When I think it too he comes to me, I think he is right by my side, I only thought of you because it felt good just to have you in my daydreams and imagination, I thought of you and I felt you coming, and then you were here and I screaming inside because I still think I might not deserve, and I need to know I need to hear you say that yes, you want to be here with me too. Because I was distracted I'm sorry. I love you too * Everything makes me angry I feel this heat in my entire body Who told me that my naked body was inherently sexual? Is a newborns body inherently sexual? Is sexuality bad? Is toxic Christianity going to be erased from American society? Banal Infidelities fiel diety stays loyal to me, there's only one diety, theres only one god I know that's wrong

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 19

Maybe I can speed up the present. All I can think about is how I'm going to dominate the art world. I guess that's kind of fucked up? I feel dizzy and like my blood sugar is low. My body must look so disgusting I'm always burping. I must be disgusting that's why Ariel never hits me up All I can think about is how I want an art empire that is accessible to people of all races and social classes And how I want this sandwich I'm about to go eat. I'm so much fatter than I was when I was 18 that's why Ariel never hits me up anymore!!! :(__(_((((( It's really not worth beating myself up over. Pretty sure I got a yeast infection from fucking him anyway. * Why does my back hurt so much why does everything hurt why is life pain. when have I gotten to the point where I can hold all my pain and all my ecstasy at the same time, for one moment and then the moment ends and I'm back on the train again trying to make time go faster. If I was decaying I would look like black and pus and torn flesh, strips of flesh covering what once was my body. She killed me and left me in the woods to die. Put me in the back of her trunk. Headlights were right blue. Righteous and it was..she thought it was good.  I wasn't either dissatisfied, but isn't dying to hurt and be sad? I could spit black tar right here and people would probably just turn away in disgust, I could vomit up maggots, yeah girl its the same as it is for you too. I don't want you anymore he always wanted me. I'm taking you with me. Now we are dead. It came to me in a flash I had a divine vision. Of music. And being alone. * The boy means everything to me I got him in the corner of my sleeve, oh the bend of my elbow i lean on the table looking over at you I see the empty glass it magnifies you I'm ready I'm ready we're starting again, you're starting to break my heart again * Male exclusivity needs to die. Some men really can't be around women if they aren't fucking someone it seems. Ugh. Get away from me. Wake the fuck up. Sorry that everyone made us think that our bodies alone are sexual and need to be covered. I do so many non sexual things with my body. Americans can tend to being lethargic. I'm so angry * Im all caught in vines . sleeping time leaks the day its dripping in green and surrounding me. Phonetically speaking I think your words have more meaning than you realize Pick it up again inspired by my friends and I'm feeling feeling so good. Pack up your bags and take a vacation take yourself to rockaway * There's nothing special about me I bet you could compare me to any other girl in the world and id seem just the same, got a pretty face and her head isn't too bad either. And if you asked me today id say I don't think nothing special about me neither but id tell you what I know, that I'm the girl who would love you the most. * The praise on the water sought after colorful lights and pure tones Praise phoning in for a second chance in glasses cracked in the pavement red warring the light and wearing it as a disguise, praise be had, our Lord has grown old * Y stomach is too full its so full but I'm hungry and I don't have the energy to digest. I never needed to eat that much * So excited to be your own boss until the app doesn't give you work!! I'm gonna stop acting like I'm not doing things for a reaction or to make people think something of me. I am. Including playing music I am almost to the point where I dont have near anxiety attacks from eating around people. Proud of myself Taking kindness at surface level only is probably not going to cause any progress. Take all of me, baby. Even if I'm mean from time to time. I'm not okay with people's boundaries being broken in a monogamous relationship. But I don't really believe in monogamous relationships. Maybe I'm just cynical but it seems like there are too many rules. Or maybe it's all a ploy to lure guys in because they'll think I'm easygoing but I'm not I want to tell everyone every single one of my thoughts that sounds like a fun game * Jonathan is on my mind I've always had a craving for a good hearted musician and someone who will counter my unbalance, prince charming rides in on a horse, who brought the horse into the street who's mans is that? Are they getting with the plan do they understand or do you only like me because i have connections to new dimensions * I'm in love with nothing This haunting feeling Like I know what comes next I'm in love with nothing There's a hole in my heart when its growing apart it gets darker and smaller and I'm falling in love with you again * It isn't fair he will never hear me. He will never see me or understand me, when the mere sight of him sends me spinning away from anything easy to feel, I'm feeling so dreary one second and the next I got jets on my feet, flying over the moon cause I'm so in love with you * I just enjoy Jonathan is my whole heart!! One day he will know * Songs to write out Gracias a la vida Stormy weather Good morning heartache Lover man where can you be April in Paris * I want to tell people how hard my life is! * My song for you This is my song for you I like everything you do When I see you its like a cool breeze graced me with unending presently waiting pleasant and unchanging you seem stable to me, and I even like you when you're rocky. I like the lyrics I like the melody, you're like music, lets make a baby And live together In the city and very far. We can have two houses and even a car This is my song for you I like everything you do When I realized it was you Wrap it in red and a bow, kiss my head, after your show I know I can be a hard one to break, I've heard all these stories of heart break, what do I choose, what to listen, use or lose. But I know when I'm with you my dreams start coming true * Deep desires Understand the universe. Have someone accompany me in my sadness and despair. I want to come back together I want to feel enlightened I want everyone to feel goddamned enlightened I'm definitely willing to open up portals make everyone realize we are collectively manifesting our reality I want everyone in new York city to know my name nova luz, the body inhabited by us. She needs a companion. Lets get her a partner or two. * How do i really feel about the boys that I think I love? My Spanish tongue isn't too sharp....I wish...shit man, you just have to try harder to get it right. Laser mind. Not tonight. Michael is the name of an angel and no matter how hard I try or how much I'm thinking about Jonathan I still wonder about Michael and we spent more time together than Jonathan and I ever have. Fuck me. What are either of them up to? Why do neither of them talk to me. Haven't seen either one in weeks. I think I feel like I'm attached or in love. No matter how hard I try to forget...not trying hard enough you stupid fucking cunt! You're so fucking weak nova!. I wish someone knew how much I fucking hate myself sometimes I don't get why I just internalize this and nobody can ever know and its always a dead end fall off a cliff and snap your spine on the rocks before you drown and are pummeled by the waterfall FUCK. I think about them every day I wish I had a boyfriend, but malificence red lipped and hooded with festering infections on her skin, she's standing in the way, she's guarding the little red dog in my heart, the little puppy with forgetful parents, crying and underfed in an alley way alone, you only care about the way it looks. The loving puppy. Loving little dog I love you so much I love you no matter what even if you took a knife to my throat severed my veins and rendered my body a corpse I would still love you. Shit man that's fucking intense. That's a part of me that needs some help. The unconditionally loving part.....have I been deceived? I feel as though she has been deceived, and people always want to exploit her loving nature. This is the world I live in today. What if I wake up tomorrow on another planet? Is my boyfriend going to be there? If it was a planet with fruit orchards brightly colored things little houses and healthy atmosphere I would be down. Since I'm making it up, my boyfriend is there too. He loves me and we only need each other. I love him so much it fills me with fullness and vibrancy. He loves me so much. We spend most of our time together enjoying the planet, and sometimes we cook a big feast together for our friends and they come over and we all play music and drink wine * I guess now is an appropriate time to work on my issues with jealousy right? Actually...maybe ill wait What if it was a giant poetic metaphor? Green goop spilling from my heart and getting stuck in my pelvis..melting out of my pelvis out onto the floor. My physical my non physical. Non psychic but spiritual. Elephants from India are a shymbol for wealthy. And poor. Bread. Winning. Happy family. Sad family. Bread. Okay Maybe now I can work on my massive jealousy issues. Okay I'm going to start by listing scenarios that make me jealous Any female speaks to a boy that I like (level 10 code red situation) Someone's life looks shinier than mine Julia's in middle eastern vogue My friends have things that I want Other people have things that I want Other peoples bands are playing at cooler venues I am literally not a musician my name is Harriet and I never leave my apartment. Yo these sensory hallucinations are too much sometimes. That was a side note. I think my biggest issue is that when I am into someone in a romantic way, I get really upset when I see them talking to like, anyone of the opposite sex. Or of the same sex with Ursula. Or when someone is skinnier than me. Sometimes I get jealous cause of that which is not allowed because I am not allowed to have an eating disorder. Why is Julia getting so much attention while simultaneously being underweight and anorexic??? Noooo oh my god is she okay? Is everyone else okay?? Why is that allowed are you people fucking retarded? I can't do these things without having a million other thoughts. But I'm breaking the surface which is something. This is a deep fear for me I don't intend to leave unchecked. * I want somebody to love. I think writing all this sad lonely poetry can't be helping kts hard not to hate yourself sometimes. I wish someone was reading this. I really want a boyfriend so badly but I'm resisting it because in want it to be Jonathan so I'm waiting for him and ignoring everyone else.that's scary I don't know where he's at. He never talks to me. I want to smash glass bottles over his head for being so detached Fuck you!!! He never talks to him I mean me but I think about him pretty much every day.this hurts Why am I being like this? Lately everything I do is to get his attention. I want to cry. I hardly get any attention from him this is ripping me up inside.I just keep these fantasies in my head and I fall in love with them but it's an illusion I'm in love with an illusion. This hurts my chest. All I want is his attention and he isn't giving me any!!! I should turn around and walk the other way but I know I wont because I'm still in my fantasies that we are the same and that he gets weird crazy visions as well and that I was a part of his. I think I'm going to be wrong. My heart.. * I'm hitting the resin in my pipe again. And writing semi cohesive notes about my feelings. Am I using boys as a distraction from my problems? Why do I always want someone to hear the most insecure parts of me....I always always share my deep insecurities, like, first before we even get to know each other. What a weird kind of flirting style that's so weirded out by myself. Like, why? Do I not realize that most people are too in denial to accept insecurities in someone else? Especially in a package as cute as a nova. I have some pretty great ideas in my head..heart..butt..whatever...all of me......... Dot dot dot * Feeling A poem by nova luz palaquibay brener Written in September of 2017 I can feel everything. Mannequin pussy is famous they were in new York Times and rolling stone and a bunch of other big name publications. In happy for them. Not like when Julia's thing got famous. Even though I didn't spend a ton of time with any of these people, they changed my life. I still feel a little intimidated by that world, by the professional world and its cutthroat attitude. I don't really like it or want to participate. I just wanna have a nice apartment with a nice boy and wake up at 7 am every day. I still want to play rock music Its fun Mannequin pussy has that song where Marissa goes "I'm feeling it all I gotta get home I gotta get up" I'm feeling it all I'm feeling it all I just want to share a room with a nice boy and Rowan can come too And we can have small shows where we support each other for the things we love about each other and we still love each other when the other one is being an asshole. I don't like thinking of myself in a negative way. It feels bad. I'm very childish. I'm insecure that the things I do aren't big enough. That's stupid. I'm mad at my mom for always acting like everything was a huge deal. Like, nothing was ever just chill and normal everything was something. I'm childish inside * September 7 2017 Dear j boxer, There are actually several thousand things I would like to be saying to you, but I don't want to overwhelm you and lose you. Oh my god. You make me so nervous. Did you realize?at flowers for all occasions. I have never been more stressed out at a show in my life. I was hyper focused on what you might be thinking of me. I want to pour out all the imbalance I feel and you can watch it run down into the drains Yes I still think about that. And don't think that the only side of me is erratic and unbalanced and bad, everyone has so many sides. I know you think the way i play is interesting. I know I can play well. I feel like I am everything when I think about you. I think about you every day. Would you still love me when I am nervous and insecure? Love me like this or you'll never love me at all, you can only leave me if you don't love me like this, my all. My heart. Sometimes I get chest pains What do you think about me? My dream partner is someone I can put together shows with. but not ordinary shows. I don't know. But it would be something. I can envision my dream partner: active, healthy, compassionate, loving, open, creative, enjoys sex, kisses my neck. Is it fair to tell you this? Am I asking too many questions? Is it fair that I want to tell you all this but we haven't exchanged a single word in weeks? I can't explain it, its a feeling in my body, it feels so electrifying I don't ever want to stop. I'm sorry I have to test you so much. I can't help it. I think I'm like that with everyone. I wonder what you are doing now? If I said I wasn't feeling good would you sit with me in the park and put your arm on my shoulders? Even when my eyes are puffy and dry? * I don't know there's a vacuum in my heart and silver worms that live inside the vacuum, ever present resilient love the lasting energy in my blood, that they feed off of. Freed some space for their babies I know it couldn't be any other way, but sometimes I resent my mother for leading me to believe this. Because my religion is based in pain, my suffering will cleanse my sins and if you don't know then you must be unclean, I got to tell you how I see it. Everyone is looking at me Cause there's maggots in my heart, I can feel them squirming around, I can feel the top shell of muscle straining to get ahead of them to get on top of them, maggots squirming around in my heart, eating my muscles. My mind is unfocused. All I can see is misery. But its okay. The lord wants me to be this way. With a red-skinned entity hanging onto my shoulders and telling me "no, don't go there, you dog". Maggots in my heart. Maggots eating my heart * September 8 2017 Dear Jonathan Hi, how are you? Its been a couple of weeks since we last met. I am pretty much still the same. Hopefully I'm going to get a job teaching kids! Maybe one day you will fall in love with me. What have you been thinking of since I last saw you?do you want to tell me? Do you think about me? Do you want to hold hands? Can I kiss you in the dark on the street? Can I kiss you in front of people? I'm trying really hard not to take things too fast. Part of me really believes you and I are the same person. I really like how you make me feel..I always think about what it would be like to fuck you again. I really want to. I think I will. But there's one thing I'm wondering. Like what kind of relationship do you want? Do you like the idea of having me around or is this like "ill see you when I see you" No it can't just be fine I have insane feelings about you I need to know. I can be fine with what you want..I just want to know I'm not gonna hurt myself falling for you when I don't need to. If I'm just living on the promise of what I think you and I could be, I need to know if I'm right, right? Oh shit this doesn't sound good I'm spiraling into a panic. Oh god. Just tell me if you want to be with me!! Sorry I kind of get these intense insecurities. Then I like to wallow in them. Love me? Hah. To not end this letter on a sad desperate note, I will say the following: I like how you look I think you are very handsome, I like how you sing and play even when you lose your focus you sound amazing to me, I want to kiss you all over be naked with you and have my chest against yours, and feel your arms. I hope you don't mind me saying I love you and that I have a lot of love for you in my heart because I am insatiably attracted to you, and I also think you are kind but distant, and I think you are very loving and radical in your ideology, but you aren't annoying and liberal and show-offy about it. I like how much you know about music and music history, I think you are really smart. I want to kiss you all over. I feel so passionate when I think about you. It feels like you live in my heart and that's why I love you. I really really want to tell you. I don't know what could happen I just need to fuck you. I want you so badly, body and soul and mind. * August 9 Honey I want to marry you I love your sweet and bitter tastes Even on your sour days You make me believe That all my desires can be mine And I know my heart is true When I'm near you Yes I may have immense pools of jealousy, but honey, its nothing to me, when you bring me back home In a sentimental way, I say, oooooohhh you're too good for me The way we play together Like in our youth I feel like our life is a union, oh know honey I want to be true to only you We spend our days rushing around But I dream of a night where, without a sound I can slip into bed next to you, and you will hold me close, you're then the only other person I need to know, you're my everything Oh my honey I love you, you know I do, I would spend my days working for you, because I do love all the things you do And at night when the moods right, ill look into your eyes and say my sweetie, you know I love you.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 18

I'm so very blue I do miss you. I could scream in misery and it won't be out of me. Paper proves my ways are worthy of your love, so paper thin walls to my house leave me waiting for a sign from above. I feel so silly thinking what I do, I stay inside in the hopes that one day I might get to you,but never too long, I know that's wrong, how else Can I see you? I hope you understand the stress and toll life takes on my body. And from day to day I'm working, in starting to work my way out of this slump, im feeling happy and I know there's a way to come, and its looking bright to me. .

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 17

Feels hollow cause you cmon you only care because you think you're supposed to and you're trying to put on your best face. Wheat paste. Wheatgrass. One is glue and the other is juice . I can't help it this is all I want to do. Maybe I smoke too much weed or something I don't know. I just want art all around me at all hours. That's an okay thing to want? I can make money as an artist? I wish people were more sensitive to each other. It doesn't help people to "warn" them about these kinds of things especially after you realise its more fear based than reality based. There are all kinds of ways to get what you want. There are so many methods for getting what you want. I want a boyfriend. I'm being really picky and kind of closed off. I cant help it...kind of sucks...... Okay, truth be told... It feels weird to admit to myself but I'm thinking about so many other things I really feel weird around food sometimes. With anyone and at any time. I feel very self conscious eating at times. I have to admit to how I really am??! I know this is facts I just want art surrounding me at all hours. Is there even anything in my way at this point? Fixation on fameee and having a fan base I need it for validation and I have to admit to that too. Once you have peoples attention its cause they are into what you're putting off and saying. So I could really expand a lot now.. . I've been thinking a lot lately about race. I don't really know how I identify racially. I speak Spanish but I taught myself. Unfortunately. I wish I grew up with it. I was always around a lot of different races as a kid so I kind of didn't notice so much of a racial divide...not until I was older and I noticed how people would group together in these ways. I know there has been so much discussion about race. In a place like new York and even the United States as a whole you get people from everywhere every corner of the world. Honeslty, I think we need to start looking past race. But it's too early for me to be thinking like this. Its not time, we need to embrace our racial identities first. At least I think so. Its pretty much impossible to just ignore what race people are. And yes, there is a culture that is with that race and the persons appearance. Groups of people in close proximity to each other evolved in similar ways, evolved in a way where there would be physical traits endemic to one area or another. It kind of sucks that the United States history can't be told without mentioning the people we were stealing from Africa and using as slaves. And that even after slavery ended, there were actual regulations put in place by the government to opress people of color. This is a fact. It cannot be denied. I read so many books on this in elementary school even. Like, I feel like people don't really take it that seriously, the implications of those actions. Not only that, but the repercussions following years of organized, systematic governmental oppression. The people who claimed to be giving us what we needed left us behind in favor of satisfying their own selfish needs. They did a shit job of providing a decent country-wide education system. Hardly a day goes by I am not grateful to remember that my parents actually went though the effort to pick a progressive public school in New York. I hear stories about schools in other places that just leaves me feeling like, "what the fuck?" How dare you withhold resources from people who need it!!!! What the actual fuck is your problem tyrannical narcissistic maniacs. Always let the "poor" neighborhoods suffer. Seriously fuck that shit man, just cause the paper isn't there? Thhere are actually people who so don't give a fuck that they will deny people of what they need because what?? I think they must be afraid of something, like afraid there isn't enough to go around.. That's bullshit...money is printed daily.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 16

I know you sensed how lonely I was. You never wanted to love me. Or did you? I would love to say I haven't the time to worry about things like this but the truth is. ..not quite that. You said you wanted to get to know me and you held my hand and then you stopped talking to me. Left me feeling so sad I'm trying to act cool cause I don't want to lose control. Is anyone ever going to be able to take all of me? Can I even take all of myself? You held my hand and said you wanted to get to know me and then you stopped talking to me. Why?  Left me hanging out of sight, leaving me so blue. I don't know why I even care. I'm very lonely. I need someone to care for. I thought maybe I was meant for someone else. Still thinking there was only one person made for me. Why don't you want to talk to me any more? Drawn out tense and dry I feel wondering why don't you talk to me anymore? Why why why why why why why why why why you left me feeling like I was too young and too uncool. No, I don't believe that. I already had those feelings. I was insecure about that without you. What is it to you? A mistake. Fuck off. I didn't mean it. Come back I feel so lonely Why did you say that and then stop talking to me. Is every love going to feel like ripping? And gore? I guess so . I'm so very confused in love. I always think I'm falling in love. And my attention goes from person to person....I haven't had sex in a couple weeks but I think about it a lot . Its hard to not have art just constantly pouring out of me. Thought that's the part someone would love I think so maybe but I haven't been able to get it out in the open where anyone can see it, this blue and gold jewelled egg, rolled into my garden early august. A breath of fresh air can fill my lungs, my greatest desire is only followed by more desire, I am young but not strong God bless the generation that built their own computers, printed magazines, laughing at jokes or trying to set off trends, so you can feel like people who even aren't your friends care about what you do. We care about you.