#pity i have to be the one to make it
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Firefox-official vs electronicmail
Hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby
okay come up with a better idea then. firefox-official is gone asshole it’s electronicmail or nothing
#this one was hard to respond to because it elicited the usual anon rage in me#but i had to think about it anyway.#this blog has been around for less than a month and it is driving me fucking crazy#don’t you think i know?#dont you think it hurts enough already#i dont want this blog either i want my old blog back with all my stuff on it#i would like to stick around#because i loved posting#and i get that you’re just having fun#but i’m making an example of you#less than a month vs five years#‘household name’ firefox official#spent five years building that thing#and now it’s just this.#i keep forgetting#and then i’m here again#not home#i know you all feel bad enough for me already#but it’s so hard to be myself because the environment on here is SO different#we were HAPPY#WE WERE SO HAPPY#Umm… Or whatever.#guess i could go back to firefox unofficial#but that feels far too close to the sun. and i’m done with the wings i think.#i dont mean to be so serious#a total mood killer i know#i just dont know how to proceed exactly#because when i post like normal i cant help but feel sad#and when i post about being sad its just sort of obnoxious#i’m not really asking for pity i just want to explain where i am at
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sorry let me rant about downton abbey 10 years later
Thomas's conversion therapy plot pisses me off so much. firstly, it's incredibly out of character. he never wanted to change to conform to society, he wanted the world to change to accomodate him. the man who said "it's not against the law to hope is it" and "I'm not foul, Mr Carson, I'm not like you, but I'm not foul" would NEVER
secondly, from a storytelling perspective, the only 'problem' is that he used infected needles. did we forget that Thomas was a sergeant in the RAMC? he knows how to sterilise needles and how to recognise and treat infection. this also shifts the blame to Thomas himself for getting sick and implies that the conversion therapy itself is harmless (Dr Clarkson says it's just saline solution)
thirdly, it's not historically accurate. I'm not an expert but conversion therapy was not at all common in the 1920s, even Sigmund Freud was against it. hormone therapy and chemical castration were barely developing let alone available to the public (I can't imagine what else the 'treatment' was supposed to be). the only practices that I can find evidence of were psychoanalysis and electric shock therapy
Thomas also mentions that he did electric shock treatment - if you really want to make a point about homophobia in the 1920s (and make Thomas suffer as much as possible), show that instead. watching him be literally tortured for his sexuality would have been far more impactful than him just... looking sweaty for a few episodes
#I'm just shouting into the void#i just think that if you're going to make the only gay character constantly suffer it should at least be a compelling narrative#i have very similar thoughts about his plotline with jimmy. its stupid and out of character. Julian fellowes just wanted to punish him#for being gay without even giving him a chance at a happy relationship#i think sexually assaulting Jimmy is one of the only genuinely bad things that Thomas does and yet its the only one framed sympathetically#it's conflated with being gay generally and we're meant to pity him#you know what would have been a sympathetic narrative? if they were actually in a relationship and punished for an innocent love#and then thomas could still take the fall for it and go to prison and Jimmy would have to live with that guilt and be separated from him#which also would have been way more interesting than the bullshit anna and bates prison plot that dragged on way too long#ugh downton abbey could have been so good if the writer wasn't an old bigoted tory#downton abbey#thomas barrow
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all the tme intersex people i used to know suddenly jumping on the newest transmisogynistic bandwagon and immediately spewing all the same “ur just overreacting, you call everything transmisogyny, stop being hysterical!!!” bullshit really puts into perspective how the intersex community on here gained any traction to begin with, y’all are not immune to pulling the same bullshit perisex people do and you’re calling the intersex transfems arguing against you perisex??? just to let afabs pretend to be us so you have that idealized quiet trans woman again, like i’m sorry but this is a strawman on par with “white trans woman” nothing has changed and at some point you need to realize that your conception of what these terms mean just doesn’t reflect their actual rhetorical use in real conversations about queerness
#it’s just so fucking gross to get called perisex by someone i used to think i was in community with#the moment i was outspoken as a transfem#they hide me in one of their boxes and tell me i talk about transmisogyny too much#and like i don’t want pity i shouldn’t have trusted tme people further than i can throw them but like#i didn’t get the confidence and pride to put intersex in my url from nowhere#and yeah i had their same misconceptions at some point i understand how you get there#but i just can’t feel anything but devastatingly sad about yet another community turning on us just cuz a few transmisogynists#made an argument that flattered their egos#intersex transfems never mattered to these people#cuz the only intersex transfems they like are the afab ones that steal our culture and history and strip it of any of its meaning#and then stay quiet so they can be pointed to as ‘proof’#as if dressing up your friend as a made up animal makes it real as long as the costume stays on
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my silly contribution
#caluuart#genshin impact#genshin#art#arlefuri#focacchino#it's so silly and I just have to draw it. so yeah here we are.#also! today I pulled for alrecchino#it was... one of (if not) the unluckiest summons of all time.#the first sign of this was the fact that my internet went out TWICE while pulling#and yes I lost the 50/50 on pity to c1 mona. I don't hate mona but I'd prefer a standard that I didn't already have. like jean or tighnari.#and yes I did end up going to pity again to get arlecchino. man. 20k primos and 28 fates spent. not the most well spent but it is def spent#I still have more than enough to guarantee LoFI if haitham reruns next patch. so there's that. plus I'll earn it all back after a while anw#back to arlecchino. I stole the good pyro goblet from xiangling and my arlecchino does sm dmg with this. amazing#sorry xiangling. you'll never have that pyro goblet back ever again. you can go ham with an okay atk goblet. have fun pyronado-ing.#aaaanyways!! I'll go make dinner now. cya my dear fellows!!
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"So the Cup party—you know, we with some of the other boys were waiting at Elbo Room for you guys like a bunch of fuckin' plugs! But you go to Chucky's house after—I mean, I know you guys stayed in the locker room for hours, until like 3AM and then you go to Chucky's house. Obviously, there was the amazing stuff on the beach, all around town, Elbo [Room] the next day. That night just being with the boys, being with the families in the locker room, at Chucky's—how special was that?" "Yeah, you know what it was... I think they said—the one day we went back to the rink—I think we had to sign—our owners had to sign every champagne bottle and I think they said there was over 160 champagne bottles? That were—and like obviously not—" "Like empties you mean? Yeah, just like—" "Empties! Like just spraying everywhere! I think you could—like, I had my gear on till about 3:30/4AM. I didn't get home till about 5:30 and guys were still there! You guys probably saw that pic of Carter sleeping on the lawn? Like, I think he might've been one of the last ones there."
Empty Netters | 8.26.24 (x)
and if youre wondering about said lawn pics montys talking about swaggy drunk off his ass plopping down on the grassy area in front of amerant bank arena in the parking lot waiting for his uber 😭😭😭
and he looked so downright pitiful that someone went up to him and gave him a chair to sit on instead and everything about his dazed smile once he recognises the thing in front of him being a chair speaks enough volumes about how absolutely gone he was
#brandon montour#carter verhaeghe#florida panthers#he also immediately went to pee in one of the bushes in the parking lot#so theres that as well#drunk swaggy is a menace#and i am so glad two people tagged along and made sure he was okay as they waited for his ride#but also the juxtaposition of lombo walking out the garage just fine versus swaggy so dazed and who once he makes it to the grass plops dow#tbf from the arena to the main road is so long for no damn reason you have to fucking trek through the jungle just to find civilisation#if i was drunk while i had to do that? id sit too. and also burst into tears.#to the person who offered him a chair you are his angel#but his sweet smile at it fucking geeks me so bad#im glad monty brought it up because i sure as hell wasnt but i see its prime chirp material for the boys lmao#i think anything swaggy has done post cup is prime chirp material#swaggy. boy born in a wet cardboard box all alone.#HE LOOKS SO PITIFUL PLEASE
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The sheer pity party some alloromantics expect of aromantics is really funny to me. The expectation is that we ought to feel broken or afraid that we will never be worthy of anything if not for a romantic relationship, but as the years go on, I've been so much less inclined to feel those ways.
People expect aromanticism to feel like a prison, and I think that's looking at it wrong. My aromanticism never imprisoned me - amatonormativity did. Being aromantic taught me that I can never and will never be "made whole" through romantic attraction. Amatonormativity teaches that to be whole is to be pursued, to be in love, to be possessed, essentially. Being aromantic has freed me of those expectations because I had to break those chains in order to truly understand what will make my life worth living.
I've been finding more and more that being allo will never appeal to me - I don't give a flying fuck about allo being "normal," and frankly if being normal means being allo, I simply just won't be normal.
#aro#aromantic#lgbt#lgbtq#throw a pity party for me because i died in this video game i'm playing (i am booboo the fool who refuses to eat health items)#bro why must i be so fucking stubborn like. 'ooh look at me i'm at three hearts but i won't eat the hoards of health items i have.'#like. come ON.#but yeah. if somebody expects me to be groveling about how i'm not alloromantic and allosexual i will chase them and bite them#i will make sure they have to get a rabies shot (hyperbole but you get the spirit of how strongly i feel about this)#like i'm not even *that* aro but i still hate the idea that i need to be mournful about it. i'm celebrating this actually#it's one less thing for me to stress about yo
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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Don't say that word to me, Tew. I'm not.
Spare Me Your Mercy [episode 8]
#spare me your mercy#tried my best but i'm lousy at making gifs#still holding out hope ppl...will have mercy and gif...#this scene in particular and perhaps the one with kan and tew's mother...my god...#other than that i'm still devastated#when do we ever get (Thai) BL like that#could've so easily been one of the best BLs ever#and even with all its flaws it's still one of the best i've seen#Nadao boys best boys...Tor is an A+++++ PP impersonator *lol* i digress...#i'm picky af and hardly ever like anything#and haven't had a lot of luck with BLs#can still count the ones i've truly liked on 1 hand#2 thai 1 korean 1 japanese#with this and 1 korean 1 chinese and 1 taiwanese as runner-ups if they hadn't lost me along the way#so yeah...this IS one of the best for me#how the screenwriter tried to rationalize the lack of proper development of feelings between the mains still makes me so angry though#as if that had anything to do with NC scenes or f*cking fanservice at all or whether your main focus is romance or not#pity the novels aren't my thing from what i've heard#pity there won't be many if any fics (in english)
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and if i said suguru’s relationship with weakness (’the preciousness of the weak, the ugliness of the weak’) was born out of his feelings towards his mother …
#.#feeling abnormal feeling extremely abnormal#i think suguru fucking haaaaaates his father but his connection to his mother is just . so much more loaded#in that sense his mommy issues are far worse but his daddy issues are definitely more . apparent#he hates his dad he’d do anything anything anythingggg never to end up like him#but he resembles his mother in many ways (the hair. the eyes. the frail heart)#and because of that his hatred/love for Her in particular is just … one big can of worms#’you shouldn’t have given birth to me. you should have saved yourself. it’s your own fault that you’re stuck with him’#etcetc#he feels pity and guilt and hatred and biological love he’d be better off without#i think his mother was very very awful to him too#but even baby sugu knew the root cause was his father#hhhhh ….#i’m a little on the fence between . ’his home life was violently abusive’#and ’his parents were obsessed with appearing normal and perfect no matter the cost’#maybe both ?#like … idk if ever got physical. but i think just the psychological torture of living in that kind of household#left scars in his soul that he’ll never get rid of#in my mind sugu’s backstory is akin to nobara’s but make it straight up horror#anyway that’s all 🙏 sugu your parental issues have bewitched me#ari noises ✩#meta ✩
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Saw a fic about vastaya Viktor and if you ask me he’s definitely a bird (or salamander if you wanna super angstify him- cough cough Rio cough).
#dex talks#league of legends#arcane#can apply to both#viktor league of legends#viktor arcane#league vik building himself a second wing so he can finally fly#the bird vastaya weve seen only have 1 wing but I mean vik is vik if he can’t fly naturally he’ll make it himself#he’d also get those cute long ears too so that’s always a bonus#have those sticking out of his metal helmet like two antennas#he could use his wing as a cape like how xayah n rakan do#one naturally clawed hand and the other a powerful prosthetic attuned to his magic bloodline#could make his desire to create robots even more founded in grief as he lives long enough to see suffering never change- at least not-#without interference#as for arcane vik he could be born weaker than most vastaya due to zaun chemicals#maybe have those hollow bones birds do making injuries especially perilous#an ousted loner vastaya family stuck by the fissures and disconnected from their tribe#jayce’s interest in magic particularly sparking viktor’s interest because his vastaya blood has somehow not born him any natural magic#his lack of magic being a reason the council tolerates him because he’s not technically a mage if he can’t use it#or really heimer took pity on vik and used his lack of magic to convince the council he wasn’t dangerous (after already hving to argue-#through him being from zaun)#as a vastaya vik shouldn’t be decaying and dying so rapidly making his desperation to live even stonger#feeling like his entire life was set up for failure and after finally being able to use (hex) magic after secretly trying his whole life#either bird or salamander/gecko like the oovi-kat#meeting rio as an oovi-kat would prolly be even more heartbreaking#they’d have a near literal kinship lol#IDK BRAIN STORMINGGGG THINKING THINKING SO HARD#I’m crazy about league and arcane rn help me lord#plus the vastaya are some of my favorite species of runeterra so…#arcane spoilers
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im sad
#if i finished more books would anybody even read them.#my own mother didnt read my first one#i feel embarrassed asking my friends to beta for me#bc part of me feels like they cant possibly enjoy my work and theyre just doing me a favor#will my stories ever have real impact on people#the way i dreamed they would when i was a kid#or is everything i ever make going to fizzle. unloved#i think i need to go to bed. midnight pity parties are nevee a good idea#rambles
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This is not a CamChase post, but, I actually do want to talk about something I feel is deeply underappreciated by fandom, which is: Cameron and Chase are actually friends.
Long before they ever sleep together, all the way back in early S1. The two of them are almost always shown to get along! Cameron sticks up for Chase the entire Vogler arc, refusing (incorrectly) to believe he would rat, or that he should be fired. Chase, noted apathetic, actually tends to go out of his way to compliment or stick up for Cameron in early episodes: he passes along her good ideas to House (Maternity), defends her from House's criticism (Detox), and compliments her good ideas in Pilot and DNR, something he notable never does once for Foreman.
They get along! They have a joking conversation about lab results and House and Foreman's fight in Socratic Method. In Paternity Chase makes a sort of borderline inappropriate joke that the patient should take his mind off his pain by admiring Cameron's boobs; Cameron laughs instead of getting offended. In Sports Medicine, he teases her about her upcoming date with House. In Hunting, before the meth hookup, Chase is openly worried about her and asks Cameron to drinks; he even offers to do extra work so she can take it easy! Chase! The laziest man alive!
But to me, the most telling example is in in Mob Rules. We're at the start of the Hameron arc, and last episode Cameron asked House if he liked her, which he didn't answer either way. And what does Cameron do? She talks to Chase about it.
CAMERON: Did House seem weird to you? CHASE: Are you expecting him to be weird? CAMERON: We spoke about how we felt. CHASE: You told him you liked him? CAMERON: No, of course not. CHASE: What are you talking about, then? CAMERON: I asked him if he liked me. CHASE: Why would you do that? CAMERON: Because… I like him.
They're friends! Chase reacts with zero surprise that Cameron likes House; she goes to him for advice in a moment she's feeling vulnerable. He already knows she likes House, Cameron wants his opinion. This is a conversation between friends.
In fact, this happens a few times. Notably, Cameron tries very hard to get Chase to open up to her in Cursed:
CAMERON: You know, parents are never as bad as kids think they are. CHASE: You like my dad so much, ask him out. CAMERON: [joking] I’d make an excellent step-mom, I’m very lenient. [pause] He’s your father, you never see him, and he’s here. Unless he’s done some unspeakable thing, you should lighten up. CHASE: Right, thanks for the tip.
And, yeah, she clearly doesn't get it, but she's trying! She's joking around, she cares. Cameron tries to get Chase's advice in Sleeping Dogs Lie, she commiserates with him in Deception, she unilaterally defends Chase in The Mistake. They joke around sometimes, she confides in Chase when the TB guy in TB or Not TB asks her out: Cameron goes to Chase for relationship advice! More than once!
These are conversations that do not happen with other characters: Cameron and Foreman indicate they respect one another medically, but never have personal conversations; Chase doesn't open up to anyone, period. But whenever Cameron is looking for advice or to share romantic gossip… she goes to Chase. And Chase, for his part, likes to tease her (and she him: sex can kill you was 1000% Cameron trolling him), but honestly tends to be… if not automatically sympathetic, he listens, he jokes about TB Guy, he knows about her crush on House and treats it like old news. They're! Friends! I would actually argue this is probably the main reason Cameron goes to him when she decides she wants casual sex: Chase is someone she, in fact, likes. Even if that liking is not romantic. (Even the btw we should have sex, I will never love you is uh. Unless you are totally deranged that is not how you approach a fwb situation. Unless you. You know. Know Chase isn't gonna be offended because he already knows you're friends and aren't trying to drag him.)
And this actually does continue once they do date, btw. They're constantly hanging out. Chase spends entire episodes of S5 just hanging out in the ER. He still likes to tease her (Whatever it Takes), she inexplicably/hilariously still ropes him into her House drama (Ugly), but I can count on one hand the number of times they bicker or are unkind and mean it. They are friends! They always were friends. And that was the case long before they ever hooked up. In an AU where they never dated, they would still be friends. Their (romantic) relationship was badly written, no one likes it, I get it. But honestly I really do love how well they got along in S1-2, and I wish people appreciated that friendship more.
#in this fandom people will make ships out of anything#say chase and 13 are best friends based on one and a half episodes#(i'm people btw.))#but cameron and chase legit were work friends for years before hooking up and people are like nooooo doesn't exist#no she hated him. no she only pity dated him because he browbeat her. no she never liked him.#maybe slash probably dating was a mistake but they were still FRIENDS FIRST#also i'm not trying to shade foreman or those friendships but for real#these are not conversations either of them ever have with him#which makes it even more striking how often cameron DOES turn to chase to commiserate or ask relationship advice#it really is not something she does with anyone else#ugh i get so mad#the camchase friendship is the true victim of the camchase ship#malpractice posting#allison cameron#robert chase
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Shigaraki/Tenko wanting to destroy the false sense of peace All Might and Heroes created
.⬇️.
Shigaraki/Tenko wanting to destroy everything that lead to the existence of that house, which he conceptualizes as the embodiment of rejection and injustice in the world. Be a Hero for the Villains.
.⬇️.
AFO basically literally created that house
.⬇️.
Shigaraki/Tenko helps defeat AFO
.⬇️.
Deku telling him 'you already destroyed it' is... apparently Shigaraki/Tenko having finally gotten rid of the true cause of (his) rejection and injustice? main antagonist's big problem that represents an overarching major issue of the story/in-universe society... solved? (main antagonist's big problem that represents an overarching major issue of the story/in-universe society not actually being the problem he thought it was but now also solved?)
.⬇️.
No longer a need for there to be a Hero for the Villains, Shigaraki/Tenko dies.
.⬇️.
Heroes not to be blamed in the first place. also fuck everyone else and all other 'actual' outcasts I guess.
#i understand that Tenko not having 'supposed' to be rejected doesn't mean the rejection didn't occur for the other League members#but taking that away from Tenko/Shigaraki - leader of the League of Villains - wanting to be their champion#symbolically being their collective grievances and wills condensed into one#taking that away makes the story a lot weaker#GOD what happened#nalslastworkingbraincell#honestly making everything AFO's fault#and making Tenko's main issue being his despair toward himself (created by AFO)#allowed for the (seemingly for now) clean resolution of 'get rid of the both of them' possible#It's AFO's fault? Kill him! Problem solved#Tenko's issue not actually *harm caused by other (non-AFO) people* but instead *harm caused by his self-conceptualization/his own self*?#Tenko's projecting his own self-loathing and anger onto the world and causing trouble for everyone and making his crusade meaningless?#let him die too. Pity but problem solved!#AFO gave him the specific quirk that was Decay because it was such a brutal and deadly quirk that would guarantee rejection#you cannot tell me he could've been fine after manifesting Decay if only AFO wasn't there to tell him he has an innate need to destroy#not after what we've seen of Shinsou and Toga#other 'normal' people would not have let him live a normal life#that *is* also very much a problem that should be addressed#but it was AFO who gave him Decay and Decay was also actually not naturally existing#so everything's fine! no changes for anyone!#all this could've been saved if this was transferred to AFO - AFO also seen as a victim of societal apathy#especially since he was BORN A TRASH RIVER RAT ORPHAN#but he's just a lonely guy who was too unpleasant to form real relationships#so. only real issue Hero Society ever had that needed to be addressed was civilians being too hard on Heroes#gotta love them more and demand less of them#yippee
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here’s some art y’all will actually like
#since you never seem to enjoy my usual stuff have a kermie#kermit the frog#kermit fanart#kermit#the muppets#meh the art i make is already dead anyways#EW I SOUND LIKE I WANT PITY EW#im sorry i just get rlly upset about this stuff#i take a minute to do this and it blows up#but i spend hours on an actual drawing and no one gives half a shit#ugh im sorry im just a bit upset over it#so im posting this as a test#anyways on with you#art
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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Arms tonite is so jimcurly coded actually
#feels like one sidded thing on jimmys part#or could be curly just LOOSING it.#i have a weird hc that that scene where hes laughing#is his final psychological break#like hes just lost it at that point and all the abuse culminating into sone fucked form of pity#just like the beginning.ironic#he just finaly developes some messed up fucked Stockholm syndrome right there and then#and starts blaming himself and everyone BUT jimmy#like another poster said...curly is like a beaten house wife trying to make sense of this sensless abuse and often cast doubt on others#i think its kinda a cop out to just say once he was disabled he went full on hating jimmy#its more interesting to show more intensed mix emotions of pity. hate. love. disgust and fear from curly#but thats just me idk#mouthwashing#jimcurly
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