#personally I feel betrayed by this design decision but what can you do….

[fkapple]

Emily and Shane on winter attire

[urdnotstxrm]

Pairing: Rhaenyra Targaryen & Reader

AU: The Targaryen family dynamics are a blend of political intrigue and personal emotions. Rhaenyra Targaryen, the strong-willed and fiery daughter of King Viserys, is caught in a dilemma. Her father has decreed that for her to secure the Iron Throne, she must marry your brother, a match designed to solidify alliances and secure her claim. Despite this, Rhaenyra's heart belongs to you.

The evening was lively as Rhaenyra Targaryen graced your family's household with her presence. Laughter and conversation filled the air inside the grand hall, where your family and Rhaenyra's entourage were gathered. The warmth of the fire and the clinking of goblets created a vibrant atmosphere. However, Rhaenyra's mind was elsewhere. Excusing herself from the festivities, she made her way outside, her steps guided by an unseen force. In the cool evening air, she walked towards the stables, drawn by a feeling she could not ignore. The sound of hooves and the gentle whinnying of horses filled the silence. There, she found you, brushing down one of the horses, the lantern's light casting a soft glow on your face. She paused, watching you for a moment before stepping forward.

"I thought I might find you here," she said softly, her voice carrying a mix of relief and longing. "The celebrations inside... they feel so distant compared to this." You looked up, surprise flashing in your eyes before it was replaced by a warm, welcoming smile. "Rhaenyra," you greeted her, setting aside the brush. "I didn't expect you to come out here."

"I needed some air," she admitted, moving closer. "And perhaps... I needed to see you." She reached out, gently touching the side of the horse, her fingers brushing against yours. The simple contact sent a thrill through you both. "You should be inside, enjoying yourself," you said, though there was no real conviction in your voice.

"I don't want to marry your brother," she whispered, her hand moving to rest on your chest, her voice trembling. "I can't imagine a life with him when my heart belongs to you. Please, go to my father and ask for my hand. It's the only way we can be together." She leaned in, her forehead resting against yours, her breath mingling with yours in the cool night air. Her words struck a deep chord within you, the longing in her eyes mirrored in your own. But you knew the truth, a truth that weighed heavily on your heart. "Rhaenyra," you began, your voice soft but firm, "I wish I could. More than anything, I wish I could ask your father for your hand and be with you openly. But I can't." She frowned, confusion and hurt flickering across her face.

"Why not? If we love each other, why can't we be together?" You took a deep breath, steadying yourself for what you had to say. "I yielded my right to the leadership of my house, Rhaenyra. I chose the path of knighthood, entrusting my younger brother with the role of leader. He is the one destined to lead our house, and I cannot undermine that decision. It would bring dishonor to my family and chaos to our house." Rhaenyra shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. "But you are the one I want, the one I need. Surely there must be a way..." You took her hands in yours, holding them tightly. "I would give anything to be with you, Rhaenyra. But our world is built on duty and honor. If I were to go to your father now, it would not only betray my brother but also bring great strife to our families. I cannot do that to you, or to the realm." Her tears began to fall, and you gently wiped them away with your thumb.

"So, what are we to do? Live in secret? Love each other in stolen moments?" You nodded, your heart breaking with the truth of it. "For now, that may be all we can have." She leaned into you, seeking solace in your embrace, and you held her close, wishing that the world were different, that duty did not stand in the way of love. But in that moment, all you could do was hold on to each other, cherishing the time you had, however fleeting it might be.

[luxlightly]

Thoughts on Omeluum vs the Emperor

I love that Omeluum exists as a character for many reasons. It's a fantastic character, even given the very small role it plays in the story. It gives us a context that sets up the reveal of the Emperor later, the idea an illithid can (and would likely want to) escape from the Grand Design. It's also just a good person who genuinely wants to help people and cares deeply about his research (and implied possibly romantic) partner, Blurg. But, unlike the Emperor, it is very distinctly illithid. It doesn't behave in a human manner. It doesn't speak in a human manner, it doesn't emote in a human manner. It doesn't feel in a human manner. But it is a good person. It doesn't need to be at all human to be a good person. It is undeniably illithid in everything about it, but it defies the social structure that Elder Brains impose on illithid and therefore does not reflect the values we might expect from an illithid. It's not manipulative. It's not dishonest. It never hides who or what it is or what its intentions are. It's not selfish. In fact, it will try to convince you to save Duke Ravengard in the Iron Throne, at the expense of its own life, because it knows the Duke has more of a capacity to help people than it does. But it never becomes more "human". It doesn't need to. Because it doesn't have to be human to be a good person. Compare that to the Emperor, who constantly insists how different he is from other mind flayers, who constantly compares himself and the player character. He speaks, emotes, and acts very human. He still considers himself to be the same person he was before his ceremorphosis. But he is a bad person. He is manipulative. He is dishonest. He lies to the player character constantly, never giving them the whole truth and, when lies don't work, he resorts to threats, then outright violence. And he is, more than anything, selfish. He cares more about preserving his own life than anything and will betray even those closest to him in order to do so. He kills first and rationalizes it afterwards. Despite not being a slave to an Elder Brain, he is everything the Grand Design desires that illithid should be, save for obedient, though he's more than willing to submit to the Absolute the second he feels like his life could be in danger from not doing so. It gives great insight to him as a character and the way that, in basically all things, he acts the way that benefits him, then finds a way to justify it afterwards, both to others and to himself. He didn't tell you he was a mind flayer because you would have killed him. Except that, from your interaction with Omeluum, he could have clearly seen you wouldn't have. He insists that his constant manipulation is just his nature, yet we clearly see with Omeluum that that nature is not set in stone and does not have to be manipulative to the point of maliciousness. It's not being a mind flayer that made Balduran this way, it was his own personality. Which is why he desperately wants the player to make the same choices he did, to agree that they are the same. He's convinced himself he was forced into every horrible decision of his life or that it was inevitable. Which is why he gets so upset when you deviate from the path he himself took. Because you, like Omeluum, prove that it wasn't nature that made the Emperor, it was conscious choices that he tries to retroactively justify. Ironically, if you don't buy into his lies, he eventually tells you he'll resort to force to make you "accept your potential". He needs so badly to believe you would make his mistakes that he'd force you to.

[bobabisch]

I often hear the argument that Luffy is dumb, and I can't help but be ticked off every time I hear someone say it, because Luffy isn't dumb, he's simply carefree. And I mean that in the literal sense of the word. Luffy truly does not have a care in the world. Luffy chooses not to complicate things. He does things for the simple fact of wanting to and he purposely refuses to learn about people, situations, and the nuances involved with both because the nuance just pollutes the true nature of the subjects. Luffy doesn't choose to do these things out of ignorance or selfishness, but because in the grand scheme of things, all the information that he chooses to ignore is wholly unimportant both by Luffy's own standards and to the development of the story as well. What Luffy deems unimportant does not matter at all to how things play out in the anime.

Luffy, at his core, is an incredible judge of character. Luffy's relationship with Tama is a perfect example of this. By all accounts Luffy's first impression of Tama should have been negative. She came off as a little bit mean and stand-offish. However, Luffy in his natural Luffy-fashion is unbothered. He didn't need Tama to tell him or show him explicitly the kind of person she was to understand her as a person. Despite the fact that she was a little girl, Luffy treated her with basic respect right off the bat. Luffy didn't see her as child, but rather as the self-sufficient human she was. Of course his fondness for her was only furthered by the food that Tama gave him. Luffy didn't need to know anything more about Tama after he heard that she had given him her last shares of food. He didn't need to hear Tama's sad story to understand her. She treated him with kindness, like she would a friend, even though they had just met. Luffy would go to the ends of the earth for her over that simple fact. He had no desire to learn of Wano's history to better understand how Tama got to this point in her life. All he needed to do and all thay he wanted to do was return a kindness. And that he did.

The same can be said for the part Luffy plays in Nami's story. When Nami 'betrayed' Luffy, he'd simply brushed it off. Once again, Luffy knew who Nami was without having to ask and without her having to show him explicitly. Luffy saw her 'betrayal' yet did not take it at face value. Luffy refuses to leave her behind because everything Nami had said/done in that situation muddled Luffy's inherent and instinctive understanding of her character. This next bit is ironic to say because Luffy often makes decisions with his stomach rather than his head, but its clear that Luffy would rather trust his gut feeling than try to understand Nami's actions which appeared entirely contradictory to Luffy's perception of her personality/character.

This theme rings true throughout the whole anime. This happens when Luffy chooses to trust Law on Punk Hazard over Law's rather dubious choices without needing or wanting an explanation from him. This happens when he rescues Zoro at the very beginning of the anime and he simply trusts this well-known pirate hunter not to cut him down right of the post. I beg of you all, please do not dilute Luffy's complex character design down to something so trivial as him simply "being stupid".

Sorry for the tangent, I have just always felt people who say this about Luffy sell him and his whole character design short. There is so much more that I could say about this too. I could go into detail about the ways in which Luffy is as smart as the rest of the crew (in different ways than them obviously), but that would call for several more paragraphs, so I'll just cut it here I think.

Anyways tell me what y'all think, I'm curious.

[aalinaaaaaa]

Author Ask Tag

Thank you to @tildeathiwillwrite for the tag <333

—

What is the main lesson of your story? Why did you choose it?

In reference to Obsidian Sapphires (because that’s the wip whose theme and message I’ve fleshed out the most), the core lesson would be to not let ambitions of grandeur, perfection, divinity, etc derail you from the things you have/the people you love, and that even the most seemingly perfect solutions can still cause tragedy. The central identity of Obsidian Sapphires was always in relation to family, personal identity and the Allaitri Chalice was central to Eshani’s goals even from the first ever draft. This draft focuses on the Chalice and its ramifications as a result of it being openly used in society.

What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding?

A lot of it is inspired by my perspective, my experiences, etc. It draws heavily on certain aspects of my home country, and also some of my own thoughts too. For instance, Helindians being maestros at non-alcoholic fruity drinks derived from my own wish fulfillment! I don’t drink, I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life.

It also contains a lot of nature, because it’s a direct contrast to how sterile and corporate the real-world is and I think it really helps make the world very aesthetic, very alluring, somewhere that people would get sucked into and never want to leave. A faerie-style honey trap, if you will.

I'm going to give a specific mention of Morilaste, for it takes a certain amount of its inspiration from Italian art and history. This really became apparent after my visit to Milan and Venice, because I was in awe at the art and architecture. The scale, the details, the artistry, everything. Absolutely stunning. I find that when I'm in or near places like cathedrals and other highly grand, artistic structures, it feels otherworldly. I am awestruck that people made these, that people put funding, time and effort into these grand structures, and we get to benefit from the fruits of their artistry hundreds and thousands of years later. (This is why minimalistic, corporate-hellscape buildings of the modern age break my heart)

And it's that sense of otherworldliness that I want to evoke when designing Morilaste, because I want it to capture the aura of divinity that the court's namesake sought for. I want to use the sheer scale of it to encapsulate just how much of a beautiful, deadly trap it is, and how it contrasts and complements the way ordinary Helindians perceive it from the outside, with basically nothing but rumours and stories to rely on.

What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness or help the reader grow as a person?

Alycja’s trying to prove herself to others, reclaim her innocence in the face of those trying to misconstrue her motives. She wants to be loved, she wants to be admired, and her ordeal is coming at a time when she’s at the start of her teenage years, a pivotal time when she is beginning to flesh out her own identity separate from her identity as part of her family. Her arc is one of the most prominent ones in terms of the theme, because her choices threaten a touch of tragedy almost no matter which path she takes. In a sense, it’s a warning to not let others take advantage of you, and also an affirmation that there is a lot of power in one’s own decisions, even in the face of things that are outside of one’s control.

As for Eshani, she’s also trying to prove herself, but more to repair relations with the people she cares about. She knows what she wants, but her arc is about actually confronting the reality of her desires, and her realising that she wasn’t ready yet. This occurs all while balancing the responsibilities of her current place in life, trying to claw her way out without betraying so many people. She carries a lot of guilt, and the message I want to portray through her endeavour is that the past is the past, it cannot be changed, but the next best thing is to do something now, in the present. Dwelling on what could’ve been is what sets her back, and I look forward to the part where her character development fully clicks into place, I think it’s kinda beautiful (and it fits with the theme and her goals :DDD)

How many chapters is your story going to have?

I’ve an estimate of 30, but this could easily change.

Is it fan fiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

Original content, planned to go on my blog :D

When did you start writing?

Wow, it’s been ten, going on eleven years at this stage!

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow writers of writeblr? What other writers do you follow?

Don’t give up on your ideas! And especially don’t delete them. Stash them away, let them ferment, make sure they’re written down somewhere (and not just on a computer, physical notes are important too). You’ll never know when your ideas may germinate and go full circle. And even if they don’t go anywhere, there’s value even in those ideas just existing. (Side note, people love deleted scenes and snippets!)

I follow so many fantastic, talented, creative writers on here (and I know a decent amount in real life too!), that I would break the tags per post limit so many times over. For the writers that I mention here, consider yourselves tagged for this game, and also here’s an Open Tag for anyone/everyone who wants to answer these <3

@seastarblue @bardic-tales @ominous-faechild @leahnardo-da-veggie @the-ellia-west @vesanal @thebookishkiwi @jev-urisk @cljordan-imperium @ieppiq @angelfevr @gioiaalbanoart @guessillcallitart @thereadingfoz @honeybewrites @oliolioxenfreewrites @theglitchywriterboi @corinneglass @rae-butter @oros-ash3s @mundanemoongirl @scarletteflamerald @midnight-and-his-melodiverse @ceph-the-ghost-writer @flock-from-the-void @tryingtimi @outpost51 @mattresses-and-macaroni @limitlesswritingvoid @agirlandherquill @space-writes @winterandwords @finickyfelix @wintherlywords @druidx @avrablake @inkednotebook @lizardperson @ineedaplacetostay @gaslightwestern @satohqbanana @acertainmoshke @sleepyowlwrites @talesofsorrowandofruin @talesfromaurea @the-golden-comet @bi-focal12 @write-with-will @glassstardust22124 <333

[vividfae]

Why I'm No Longer With The Foundation

Recently, I posted an announcement on my channel page & Bluesky account that I was no longer going to be associating with Zena & Poppy's Foundation Server, effective immediately.

Initially, I wanted this to be left private. I view the way certain ex-members of the Foundation to have acted as utterly pointless & cruel. Whether it be through their use & weaponization of Kiwifarms, a site known for it's danger against members of the trans community, their targeted harassment of Zena, Poppy, & myself, their use of rape apologist talking points to invalidate & litigate the experiences of two people who suffered from some form of sexual assault, or their use of stigmatizing rhetoric against mental health disorders to make fun of suicidality, I find their methods to be incredibly problematic, harmful, & increasingly reckless.

Ultimately, my goal was to ensure I didn't become the exact people I have spent the last year & a half taking psychic damage from.

And after the last 6 months, I finally understand why they did it.

You see, as I have been writing & rewriting this post, both in text & in my head, I asked myself three questions:

Will this accomplish anything?

What are my motivations?

Will this cause more harm than it prevents?

Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are not answers I like. While my ultimate motivations are to provide people with the ability to make an informed decision about their online spaces, I began to realize the underlying motivation was much more sinister...

You see, throughout the final stages of my relationships & associations with Zena, Poppy, & their server, I found myself feeling betrayed, abandoned, discarded, & frankly, mistreated. As one by one the people who only a month ago reached out to me to check in on my mental health & said they would forever care about me began to distance from me or block me, pressured by Poppy & Zena into some false test of loyalty (read: compliance), I felt an immense anger bubble inside of me. Rage began to fuel a desire to force the people I once considered my closest circle to see the pain & despair they had left me in, & more importantly, to ensure they knew exactly how I was made to feel.

So while I do want to ensure people are making the best decisions they can, this is not some selfless post designed to save anyone. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then this post is the rage fueled machine angrily spitting those good intentions all the way down into the seventh circle. I don't like the person the last two years have turned me into, but I also cannot & will not be bullied into silence for fear of sinking to their level.

As to the answers to the other two questions, I can only once again answer in ways that I do not like. This post will not reach Zena & Poppy's audience, nor will it give them or their closest friends pause to introspect. It will not prevent any measurable harm & I suspect will only be boosted by the exact people I feel have caused the most damage to myself, my (current & former) friends, & my former lovers.

So why? Why do this? Clearly I am an abusive monster dedicated to joining the campaign against Zena & Poppy whose only goal is to hurt them like they hurt me.

Let me be clear about one thing: This is the last time I will ever publicly speak about Zena & Poppy. I have not & will never reach out to any of the aforementioned people who have been turning their grievances into some content farm. I will never be publishing anything more than the following account.

If I find out that you have contributed to these efforts, you will be banned from my community. I will not be allowing any negative talk about Zena, Poppy, or the Foundation on any of my social media platforms or in my Discord server. This is a zero tolerance policy. And I understand that this assurance will never be enough to them. I will forever, by virtue of this post, be grouped in with all of the worst of the worst, indistinguishable in their eyes to the person that plastered their home address, deadnames, and employment information online. I will not fight this characterization, because I refuse to let my image be dictated by them any longer. I know the person I am, & those that actually treat me with good faith will too.

In January 2024, I published a document going in depth into the surrounding reasons why I made a suicide attempt the previous May & the fallout of that attempt on my social circle. In March 2024 I published a video on YouTube going over that document in depth, relitigating the story & adding context that was absent. I stand by both.

My suicide attempt was entirely mishandled by my social circle at the time & had a higher than average possibility of making crucial mistakes that could have led to a much worse, more final outcome. I'm not going to go over the details again, you can watch that video if you so please, but this is not a retraction of my reflection on those events.

This is a reflection on events preceding & following that video's existence. But I haven't yet really explained the main premise I began with, why I split with the Foundation.

In April 2024, I finally got bottom surgery, something I'd desired for so long. I had an amazing experience with the hospital & surgical staff I went to, who were also the same staff that performed Poppy's gender affirming surgeries. In fact, if it weren't for Poppy & Zena recommending them to me, I might still be waiting for surgery, as Indiana is woefully lacking in access to gender affirming surgery & wait times are high. I stayed with Zena & Poppy the night before the surgery. They assisted me with surgical prep, Zena took me to the hospital & waited with my family as they wheeled me back, & the two visited me in recovery several times, spending time with me to ensure I wasn't alone & giving my family space to rest.

When I was discharged, they visited me on my birthday at the place I was staying a week later, & when I was finally able to handle the drive I visited them. It was honestly really special. While I missed them & it was hard being so close but not being able to see them more frequently, I knew that they were there & they messaged me every day to make sure I knew they were thinking of me. Eventually I went home for a few weeks as I healed, & the distance was hard but they were still there.

In June I stayed at their place as I went in for facial feminization surgery through the same hospital. My mom & sister got me there and the night I stayed in the hospital, Poppy stayed overnight to make sure I didn't wake up alone, as she had after her same surgery. She'd had a really bad reaction to the anesthesia & waking up alone sent her into a crisis, something she was extremely afraid would happen to me. It was a really sweet gesture, & hearing her voice as I woke from the drug induced sleep made me feel safe & cared for. She kissed me as soon as I was conscious & even though she left not long after as she still had clients to see, I felt so secure & like I knew the time alone would be okay. I would be okay.

Around this time I met Audrey, my current girlfriend. Audrey had shared a really thoughtful post detailing why she was supportive of Zena, Poppy, & I. It was concise & heartfelt, & I really appreciated the sentiment. I reached out to her in DMs to thank her for the support, & eventually we began just talking. In the middle of June I returned home. Zena & Poppy both began reaching out less, but they were dealing with the process of moving, which takes a lot of time. I got back to work, began returning to normal day to day life, & by the end of July Audrey & I were speaking daily, & Zena & Poppy & I were having much less communication, but again, all during a move, chronic illness flare-ups, & Poppy's workload increasing.

In September I visited Zena & Poppy, taking a week of vacation from work, with the plan to do something for Zena's birthday as I had not been able to see them IRL in August as I had been able to spend time with them & Poppy on Poppy's birthday in June. Unfortunately, that week the weather made it difficult for us to do much of anything. It was too cloudy, rainy, & cold to really do anything of interest outside, & the weather left all of us suffering from migraines every day. That week, at least 2 of the 3 of us were completely non functioning due to a migraine at some point throughout the week. For myself, it was nearly 5 of the 7 days.

A few weeks would go by & I'd visit again for another follow up appointment with my surgeons. Poppy was much more distant this time around, & we tried to make the most of the time together but she had little time outside of working. The day that I left their place would be the last time I would hear from Poppy in an individual one on one capacity until her final text message to me a few weeks ago.

By mid November, the distance between us, physical & emotional, was readily apparent.

I reached out when I could, tried to initiate contact, but it was not uncommon to go days at a time without so much as a response from them. A rift formed, half based around my own BPD fueled insecurity & half based around the genuine feeling that something wasn't working. I asked for a conversation with them, to try & work through things, but conflicts & lack of time prevented us. Between all of our chronic health issues, my full time job, & Poppy's full time job, no one was capable of making time for us.

The week of Thanksgiving, the conversation finally happened, initiated by Zena. It was incredibly messy & none of us were open to listening to each other. We were so focused on justifying our own behavior or lack of emotional availability that we had no space to hear anything the other was saying. Moreover, our justifications were self defeating & rigid, with no flexibility to even try with each other. Poppy, & one of her alters, lashed out at me. I lashed out at her. Zena tried to calm us both down but ultimately became frustrated with the situation entirely.

Eventually it hit me that nothing was working.

"This isn't going to work," I said. "Nothing is working, I don't know what to do to fix this." Zena asked what I meant by this. "None of this is fucking working." My voice was louder this time, not quite yelling but definitely above normal volume. There was a mixture of grief & desperation there.

"I need a break." Zena then asked for clarification on what I meant. I said, "I need a break. From this, from all of it. From the relationship, from this conversation, from everything. I can't do this anymore, it isn't working." Everything went quiet.

"A break is fine," Poppy says after a few seconds of silence.

Immediately the tone shifts in a way that is still difficult to describe. Not exactly in a positive way, or a negative way, but certainly not in a neutral way either. Zena agrees that a break is best, & reaffirms that they still want me to be around them. That the relationship status changing doesn't negate their care for me. They expressed a desire for me to still visit them in a couple of weeks when my next follow-up appointment was scheduled, though I said that I didn't know if I'd feel comfortable because I might still be hurting.

The conversation winds down, we exit the call, & I spend the rest of the night in tears.

About a week or so later, after remaining numb for a couple days, grieving for a few more, and a very tough therapy session, I decided to speak with Audrey about the elephant in the room.

We had a very long conversation that night. About how we felt about each other. About the breakup. About our worries with the possibility of a relationship. Her concerns for my mental well-being. My concerns that I was using her to simply rebound. So many topics were touched upon that night. Ultimately our relationship came upon as a mutual agreement. We would try, in spite of my fears of the distance & of me recreating the patterns a codependent relationship she'd recently gotten out of, we would try. The conversation then turned more specific. We discussed our needs, asked for certain things from the other, & established some pretty clear boundaries & definitions on what poly meant for us. She was up front about a person with whom she was flirting with & was unclear about the possibility of a relationship with. It was... A breath of fresh air to be honest.

Given all of this, what I want to say is that the reason things ended is because of our lack of emotional availability to each other & our incompatibility with each other's needs. But that wouldn't be fully true. It's part of the reason, it was the main catalyst. But it isn't the reason.

In May of 2023 I attempted to take my own life. As I mentioned previously, I went over why in a previous post & YouTube video. The details of that are less important than the timing (with one exception, we'll get to it).

About a month prior to this, Poppy & Zena began dating this woman, Hela. Hela had been a viewer of their channel for a long time, claiming to have been subscribed since before 100 subscribers. She was a patron on their Patreon, & came into the inner circle from having been an active commenter & financial supporter of their streams. Hela had been in the inner circle for months up to this point, & had been incredibly flirtatious with Poppy & Zena from the get go. This is not unusual, as people can have flirtatious personalities without necessarily being interested in a relationship. However, when Poppy & Zena began dating Hela, this was something that I was unaware of. I was not made aware of the breadth of their interest in her, I was not made aware of their intentions to fly her out to their place, & I did not find out that the three dating was something that was on the table until after the fact, & I didn't even directly hear it from them, but due to an off handed comment made in a voice call by one of them.

This obviously sent me spiraling & I got angry, feeling as though I hadn't been communicated with well enough. Which I hadn't. This spun into an argument that in retrospect never really got resolved, only buried, as two weeks later Zena would break up with me, & about two weeks after that I would attempt suicide & go into the hospital.

During these events, Poppy had been flirting with Milena, a woman who joined the server in early 2023 as a viewer & patron, who later volunteered to do video editing for them. To my knowledge, the flirting had been going on for a couple of months by the time the events with Hela occurred. I was also unaware of this until after Poppy began dating Milena, something that was also communicated with me indirectly, right around the week of my attempt.

While I was in the hospital, Hela was flown to their place. When Zena & Poppy called me, I could hear her in the background, & I think she may have sent me well wishes directly once. I suppressed the intense boiling jealousy & reactions I was feeling. There was something inherently weird about calling your psych ward inpatient girlfriend while your other partner whose relationship had previously created conflict with was just... there. Like, reasonably, I know that there's no other way this could have played out. The tickets were bought a month prior. It isn't like they could just pretend she wasn't there. But the intrusive thoughts kept swirling around. I'm fairly certain the intense reactions I had after getting off the phone led to me being kept an extra day out of caution. My mood swings, reclusiveness, & dissociative state led the staff there to keep a watch on me much more closely after every call with them.

I never told anyone this because I was embarrassed. I'm poly. This is normal, right? I'm being unreasonable. I need to let it go.

A bit after I got out of the hospital, Poppy's relationship with Milena exploded. She began dating a woman who went by Windlebee online not long after this. I found this out through Twitter. I stayed silent this time. It wasn't worth it. Last time I reacted to the lack of communication, it ended up with me being broken up with & fighting heavily over it, & I was still traumatized from the attempt & everything around it, so I swallowed up all of it & ignored it. This is just how poly is.

Not long after, I visited to help Zena & Poppy while Poppy was in the hospital for bottom surgery. I helped with house chores, feeding & walking the dog, being there to help when Zena was non functional due to chronic illnesses, & visiting Poppy while she recovered. It was around this time that Milena published her first twitter thread, & Hela broke up with the two of them.

About a month or so later, I was asked on a date by a guy I had been chatting with. We had been talking off and on for a while, he was attractive & acted pretty sweet, & I wasn't sure how I felt about him so I figured a date wouldn't hurt. If I didn't really feel anything, I could simply just tell him this, hopefully no hard feelings, right?

I'd mentioned him to Poppy & Zena a few weeks before when I was visiting them. Told them that he was talking to me & we had been flirting but that I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the situation. They seemed ambivalent at the time, so I didn't think anything of it.

Admittedly, I did not communicate the existence of the date to them. They found out through a mutual friend because of an off handed comment. This was my mistake, & so when an argument came of this event, I was willing to apologize for the lack in communication. What surprised me though, is that this was not the main concerns that were had.

You see, the guy had been a viewer of mine for a while, & had supported my Patreon for a few months. It was happenstance that we began interacting as he wasn't hugely vocal in my stream chat, but we got to know each other afterwards anyway.

This was problem number one.

Dating viewers was an abuse of power and exposed me & by proxy them to potentially highly parasocial behavior, they explained. And since he'd been in the server, it was a conflict of interest, they continued. How could I be so reckless & stupid?

What's more, dating a cis man? "I can't believe you would do this, let alone for a cis man," Poppy said to me, tears welling as she said it. I had never seen her so angry, & her voice rose the more she spoke. This was problem number two.

Problem number three was that he was a patron of mine. It was a huge indication of parasociality & I should have known better.

Now, as it turned out, the guy did display a lot of weird parasocial traits that I had overlooked. There were also some other things about him that I couldn't reconcile with that I won't put here, but this conflict, however hurt I initially felt from Poppy's words, did prevent me from making a mistake. I should be grateful.

It would be a few weeks later that I would visit Poppy & Zena again for a week. I hadn't even been at their place for long when I was informed that Poppy was going to be going on a date with some woman named Hayleigh. This had apparently already been scheduled & she had been talking with her for a while, & this was the first I was hearing of it. I was livid, but what was I to do? I'm sitting in her bed on the first night of a trip to visit her & Zena so we could spend time with each other as partners, & I'm told 'oh btw I got a date tonight with this girl I've been talking to for a while, be back in a few hours.' I could have started an argument, & I very nearly did. But I suppressed it. I'm fucking poly, this is how it works, remember?

Not long after, Poppy informed me of a person she'd met online that lived near them, Allison. They were friends & Poppy was helping get her in to the same surgeon who did our surgeries. As far as was communicated, the most was that i needed to know she existed because there was some attraction she felt but there wasn't any active plans to pursue that.

A couple weeks later, I was visiting the two again & while we were getting ready to go to an appointment I had, I overheard from the other room a comment by Poppy that the two of them needed to "clean up the toys from where we played with Allison the other night."

What?

I was furious. Not only had the breadth of interest not been informed but I had no idea that Zena was interested in this person at all, only that Poppy had expressed some attraction. Intimacy was never ever put on the table, what the fuck do you mean you played with Allison? I blew up at them in a way I hadn't expressed anger in years. I'm not proud of it at all, but I was going on pure reactive energy at that point, there was no active reasoning left.

I left their place to go to my appointment alone. They left to visit someone while I was out, & were still gone when I got back. I laid on their bed, shaking in anger & fear of being replaced. When they got back, they scolded me for reacting the way that I did & reaffirmed that this is just how poly works & I needed to stop letting jealousy guide my reactions. Maybe they were right. I mean, if you're attracted to someone & going to be in a relationship with them, intimacy is part of relationships. How could I be so stupid?

Fast forward to April of 2024. By this point Hayleigh, Allison, & Windlebee have all come & gone. I was about two weeks out from bottom surgery. I was in a voice chat with a few friends & Zena, & Poppy suddenly appears.

"Who has two thumbs & just got her pussy ate? This gal," she says within seconds of joining. I feel a circuit short in my head. She did not just say that. We'd already talked about not sharing intimate details of her sex life around me, as it caused intrusive thoughts to pop up. She knew better as this is literally a boundary of hers as well. I DM'd her reminding her of this & noting that I don't appreciate her sharing this stuff, as even if I am dating Zena as well, their sex life is theirs when it doesn't involve me, & it still hits the same triggers. I note that if this was just a joke however, I'd let it slide since a joke is a joke even if I was still uncomfortable.

This is where I learn that it wasn't a joke, & it wasn't about Zena.

I will not identify the name of this person as they were never online, we will just call them Katie.

I learn in this interaction that Poppy had been on a date with Katie, a person that I was just now learning even existed, & that the two of them had in fact had sex on this date. Poppy had been on one date with Katie previously & specifically chose not to tell me because she didn't know how she felt about them & wasn't sure if she needed to tell me given that. She did, however, know how she felt after the first date & told me that she knew going into the second that it was always planned to be a sexual one. She was afraid to tell me because she was afraid I would be hurt.

So instead of communicating with me, you cheated on me instead? All because you were afraid that I, a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, a disorder characterized by intense emotional reactions & attachment issues, might have an intense reaction to the knowledge of another partner? Of course I would have had an intense reaction. I'd get over it after like an hour, as I did with every other fucking partner.

She apologized profusely to me. She never made excuses. She promised she would be much more open about communicating in the future, especially if sex was ever on the table. I forgave her. I never forgot, but I chose to forgive her, as I was sympathetic to the position she was in as someone who also suffers from Borderline, & because she did apologize & I knew from previous moments that she was capable & willing to change behavior when it was brought up to her.

Katie would break up with Poppy not long after this, for really stupid reasons, but nonetheless it is worth noting.

At the beginning of August last year, Audrey asked me on a date. I accepted, as I didn't know fully how I felt about her, & a date wouldn't hurt. If I figured out more from it, then I would reassess & talk to Zena & Poppy before making any commitments.

The date went really well. They are incredibly sweet & funny & in getting to know them better, I found out we had a lot in common. I still didn't fully know how I felt about her, but I knew there were feelings there that were far more than just friendship.

Now, I should have communicated the date to them from the start. At this point, all of us were making the same stupid mistakes over & over again & refusing to draw lines.

Poppy & Zena found out about the date from an off handed comment by a mutual friend, & this caused a blowout fight. I regret not communicating, & I apologized for it. But that didn't matter.

I ruined Zena's birthday because of this. We were going to be doing a watch party of a movie that Zena wanted to watch as a late birthday event, & it was as I was waiting on them to show up to do so that this fight began.

How could I be so stupid? Dating a person who was on the server was a conflict of interest. Audrey was a viewer of both of our content, so she was clearly acting parasocial. Not to mention that since she was in the inner circle, it changed the dynamic & removed the ability for me to control the environment by which partners might meet, which very clearly made the relationship problematic.

Of course, there was no relationship. I even told Audrey a couple of weeks later that I couldn't date her because of the distance between us & I still didn't fully understand all of my feelings. I could tell that she was hurt by this, but she took it with such grace & continued to be my friend even afterward.

In the aftermath of this argument with Zena & Poppy, I spiraled hard. I was convinced things were over. I was suicidal, & upon learning this, Audrey reached out to Zena & Poppy to give them the information so they could ensure I was safe.

Zena snapped at them for doing this. Telling Audrey that they were not my keeper & not responsible for my mental state & could not be expected to be the only thing preventing me from hurting myself. On top of also accusing Audrey of only pretending to care about me in this way because she wanted to date me.

Pepper directly told Audrey that the reason why Poppy lashed out so hard was because she had a crush on Audrey & had been trying to pursue her, & Audrey falling for me instead of her made Poppy feel rejected & hurt.

Luckily, my friend Ghost was able to reach out to my parents to ensure I was safe, but the entire interaction left a bad taste in Audrey's mouth. She, however, did not tell me these things right away, as she did not want to potentially make the crisis worse nor did she want to be seen as trying to meddle in my relationships. Instead, she just sat back & supported me, being there as a friend to all of us, & letting things start to repair.

At the September visit, I directly told Poppy & Zena that I had no active plans to pursue Audrey romantically, as I was concerned about distance & wasn't sure of the strength of my own feelings, but I did note that I did have feelings for her. I would relay this to Audrey after arriving home from that trip.

For a while after, Audrey began to distance from me. As she did, I began to distance from her as well, as I felt abandoned & guilty for treating her like shit throughout this entire situation.

There was another crisis that ended up reconnecting us, & it was through that when I began to realize how strong my feelings were becoming.

As I was deliberating on informing Zena & Poppy, Poppy informed me of her intentions to fly out her friend in January 2025, where they were going to do a test run on a relationship. This didn't set right with me, as I had only learned of this person's existence recently, & then was told that the trip had already been planned before I knew of them, & I admittedly reacted pretty harshly to this information. During this conversation, I did inform them of my feelings for Audrey, stating that I didn't know what I wanted to do about them, which was accurate to how I felt.

I shouldn't have informed them during an argument, that was a mistake on my part. My anger, however I still feel was warranted. At this point, it is about a week & a half before the breakup.

A newly formed alter of mine left the foundation after this argument happened, & when I woke up & saw that this occurred, it was my choice to remain out of the server until our system had calmed her down so she wouldn't interfere again.

Around Christmas, I am told that Zena & Poppy have found out about the relationship between Audrey & I, & this is the final straw. They blow up at Audrey, accusing her of pretending to care about me "to get [her] dick wet" as well as accusing her of being sent to the Foundation by me to seek information to send to Milena, which is just fucking insane. Both of us are blocked on all platforms, & I receive a message from Poppy calling me abusive, accusing me of cheating on her, & accusing me of planning to doxx her.

A week later, Zena & Poppy forced Ghost to make a choice between being in my channel discord server or being a mod in the Foundation. When Ghost decided the logical solution to this was to just stop being a mod to ease the conflict, the two forced a loyalty test onto them & forced them to choose between my server or their friendship. This caused conflict between Ghost, Audrey, & I, as Audrey & I felt that Ghost was capitulating to exercises of control because Zena & Poppy wanted to punish me.

Ghost & I patched this up quickly enough, & they chose to rejoin my server, telling Zena & Poppy that they are staying out of the conflict & will no longer be doing anything that takes sides in it.

In response, Zena & Poppy banned them from the server, & then commanded the same loyalty test to anyone who was close to me save for one, & so far all have passed with flying colors.

This is why I'm no longer with the Foundation.

Because I dared to express autonomy, demand equity, & be treated with dignity.

Because I spent the last year & a half defending their behavior, only to have the exact behavior weaponized against me as evidence of being an abuser, all for refusing to continue to just take it.

Because I stayed silent during all of the times that they screamed at each other so loudly you could hear them from the bottom floor of the building.

Or the times that they got physical & raised hands at or shoved each other.

Or the times I was used in arguments between them, & then treated as if I'd picked a side when I hadn't.

Or the myriad of times in which Poppy weaponized the language of her profession as a way to control any argument & invalidate everyone around her.

Or the times when Zena would scream at Poppy & I for not reading their mind & then accuse us of gaslighting them for pointing that out.

I stayed quiet. And I shouldn't have.

With this, I have said my peace.

[lxmelle]

Thoughts/Ponderings/Musings on ch 236. About Gojo reaching Sukuna, his death, his relationships, etc.

I know there are people who really dislike the characterisation here, expressing that Gojo is likely far more kind and caring for his students, etc.

Gege and his infinite wisdom over his creation seems to like encouraging headcanon kaisen, lol. He certainly keeps things quite true to life and allows the reader to make their own conclusions.

It is not my place as a casual reader to judge his writing, and I will defend it inasmuch as I also had hoped for more: Just because it isn’t explicitly said, doesn’t mean those things we have seen about Gojo aren’t true. I agree that it is also a shame that more wasn’t or couldn’t be included in this chapter to either dispel or confirm, but that’s masterful writing in itself, I guess.

I take small refuge in my interpretation that this is a glimpse of a conversation; as in real life, we ease into conversations. I enjoyed the dynamics and overall tone. I like to remember that each expression was a decision made, and these details can hold a lot of weight in meaning.

So we see that Gojo prefaces with something else and was responding rather specifically to Geto’s question regarding his fight, his end.

Geto, a natural conversationalist, who is said to be good at being at Gojo’s level, enquires about his fight - entering into neutral territory after Gojo expressed frustration and being stunned after his sudden arrival there.

Geto reads him / the atmosphere well and responds to tune the conversation to a level he can reach Gojo, despite possibly having a lot to say and catch up on himself. (Like, we never hear him talk about his family aside from confirming they escaped.)

He is showing respect for his friend. What do they have to rush for, anyway? I don’t think there is a specific afterlife if they chose to go south. Time may be infinite?

—

A lot more under the cut. Feel free to skim and apologies in advance for tangents. I hope it makes sense overall. I tried to make it as cohesive as possible despite being lengthy.

:: Beware the Word Vomit, overall reaching, meta, interpretations, some satosugu shipping, and general weaving and stringing of themes. ::

Disclaimer: I’m fully aware I may be wrong, as I am with many things, and you’re welcome to drop me any comments or thoughts.

One of the glaring issues was the “Sukuna glazing” as some fans called it. To see Gojo having regard for Sukuna’s strength doesn’t take anything away from Gojo imho, but I get it. What was all this reaching that Gojo was expressing? Surely that doesn’t that precedence? Of all things, is this what he’s regretting in what is possibly his last significant scene in the manga?

A part of me relates to this outrage, but then I try to bring myself down, because we are often kept out of what intimacies are exchanged between Gojo and significant ones (Geto, students, etc.) and we aren’t / haven’t been privy to many deep and elaborate reflections of Gojo or Geto. All we get are ellipses “...” and depictions of longing stares that don’t quite betray their honest thoughts.

So, within the context of the above, Geto asks directly and Gojo describes. Of course he’d want to know how Gojo experienced it. He’s always been the one who cared about how Gojo actually feels or experiences things. He might join in a bit of friendly ribbing, but Geto and Gojo communicate on another level with banter, etc. there’s a reason they’re each other’s best friend.

I also see an interpretation where it cycles back to love is the most twisted curse: it can save people, but it may hold you back from being the strongest. Love has been a theme since the origin story in jjk 0. Gojo’s love for his students and Megumi may or may not have affected their chances of success, but he nevertheless cares and bets on the future (students).

Geto has always been shown to be Gojo’s significant person - a safe person, if you will. Thematically, their designs are two parts of a whole. Their fates intertwine in so many ways, only to be separated ultimately to death.

Since, he’s described not feeling lonely anymore, through love for this students (his legacy and will) and even more now (for himself) that he was wrong about dying alone. He had wanted to find a way to bring Geto home (to jujutsu high [Geto’s theme song “come back home” given by Gege is all about this after all]) but despite all that’s happened, he is with him at the airport, and Gojo is satisfied enough with that, but won’t waste time not bridging gaps any longer -

Gojo is so very forthcoming with Geto in his adult years. Given the opportunity in jjk 0, he not only asks for his last wishes, but conveys his as well. He then speaks his heart in his conversation with Geto; he is candid, yet serious.

I’d like to think it’s infused with more emotion than he ever did in their early days. He confirms his feelings to Geto and confesses his desire to have had him there to send him off. More on this later.

In the original version of the manga, Gojo momentarily reverts back to the use of “ore” just once, before it becomes “boku” again - a shift had taken place in him due to what Geto said in the past. To demonstrate that in a few short panels is quite something too. People change; we evolve through the influence of significant others.

Gojo knows loneliness as he has learnt about love in its different forms. To really know it is perchance what Sukuna doesn’t, despite saying he does.

From this point of view, he says he is sorry for him, as he’s got empathy for Sukuna; that Sukuna couldn’t learn what he had wanted to convey, but perhaps the emphasis was more of a pity for him than feeling disappointed.

In a typical Gojo fashion, he captures it clumsily and makes it about strength in his speech, as if punches and skills thrown at each other could convey that it doesn’t have to be lonely and that they could understand each other - that having a peer would be interesting / satisfying - perhaps also seeking a sense of validation himself in Sukuna. It’s possibly also what prompts people like Nanami to call him out on the extreme emphasis on strength. But maybe that’s Gojo’s defence mechanism too, who knows. If Gojo had a love language, would it be fighting talk? Ha ha.

This reminds me of how Gojo was perhaps unintentionally condescending to Geto at the KFC breakup scene - it was the final nail in the coffin for Geto and he shut down completely, remarking the now infamous, “Are you Gojo Satoru because you’re the strongest or are you the strongest because you are Gojo Satoru?” But that’s by the by I guess. It wasn’t as if Sukuna was going in for therapy / love intervention with anyone, lol. Fighting was the conversation.

So moving on, what is Sukuna’s perspective and what could it be that Gojo wanted to convey, and presumably died trying? Looking at the next fight, he is asked directly about his perspective as the strongest in history who stands above the rest.

Sukuna. The pinnacle; the epitome of strength, solitude, and one who has cast away everything - seemingly peacefully - in favour of being formidable at the top. Revered and feared in equal measure.

He is so strong yet he doesn’t need anything the others facing off with him seem to yearn. The all want to reach him for their own reasons. Maybe like disciples chasing the Buddha. What is his message? Can I understand him, and he, me? And then, ourselves?

This fight was supposedly for himself too - but what was he yearning? Gojo at first glance appears to wish to defend himself, everyone, and save megumi. Mourn Geto too. From what we understand, he's been lonely, despite this improving over the past year (through his admission to Geto later on in the airport scene).

The mark of The Strongest has been left: As soon as Gojo became strong, Geto left. Geto didn’t love him for his strength - he had to leave; in part, because feeling out of place and left behind in the a shadow of a person who is now living by “the strongest, alone” hurt, making the ills of the world unbearable, as it tipped the balance greatly for him. He could not see beyond Gojo’s apparent selfless selfishness, and he did the same with his own version of it. He had to pave his own way and build another family & world - even if it was a shell of what he had with Gojo.

But I digress. Gojo had strength but it wasn’t enough to reach Geto. He has been using his Strength as a teacher to foster a new generation, allies, in a bid to change the Jujutsu world in a different way to Geto. Yes, they shared a dream. (I hope this comes back into the picture with Geto's side fighting Sukuna too.)

He sees this curse taking shape - first with Yuji and then Megumi. I can’t imagine the outrage, and how it’s internalised by Gojo. He possibly dissociates to some degree, as one wouldn’t be able to function if they carried the weight of the world (in information and in sensation overload) all the time. He’s trained himself to be selective. So, nevertheless, there is a call to defend his title; he is also bored, wants to be a good example, and plays his part to assist with defeating Sukuna - tries to reach him but maybe it just wasn’t his message to relay. Gojo’s job was done here. He got what he wanted - a satisfying fight. More on this later.

We see the futility this far in reaching Sukuna across chapters. Responding to “love”… Harming those along the way carelessly, as he wanders simply proving his existence, as if that alone is enough to justify and bring it purpose. As a calamity or curse, he doesn’t need to consider what he is.

This is the extreme of what strength is - of what Gojo could have become. Perhaps if he wasn't so deeply touched by having someone complete him, so he could be a brat in his youth and actually trust someone to fall back on. And had he not suffered loss through Geto leaving, would've meant he never had to question himself or experience doubt or longing in his life, as he was gifted, was he not? Or was it actually a curse?

Is it meaningful to be the only one at the top of the mountain where nobody can even reach? What good does the embodiment of strength bring, if there is nobody to recognise that it is, no one to yield the power for to give it meaning, and no use for the sheer magnitude of what you can do to give it purpose?

Sukuna says he knows love and cast it away, finding it worthless, that he responds to others’ strength with love through besting them in a fight. He gets his “kicks” like Gojo did to some degree like in the theme song for Gojo by Aviccii:

(Oh, my, my) That's what I get for lovin' you

(Lie, lie, lie) You know I can't live without you

(Why, why, why?) And all the things you put me through

(Cry, cry, cry) 'Cause I'll get my kicks without you

Life must be pretty monochromatic as The Strongest. Rinse repeat until no one is left.

Following the loss of love, Gojo tried to find meaning and pass the time in ways befitting of him too. Everyone has to find a way to move on, right? But it doesn’t mean everyone feels fulfilled or healed. He drilled skills into his tempered body throughout the years of his existence; he wanted to showcase it all to Sukuna - the reason he fought and battled and trained and developed his incredible sense - his spirit that does so for himself (yes he does get kicks from it) but also for others - because Gojo is an evolved form of The Strongest. Maybe The Strongest 2.0 and Yuta is version 3.0. You get my drift.

Gojo is representing the sorcerers of the modern world. Whilst Gege likes to poke fun and say he is devoid of a personality; I’d say that isn’t it quite natural when your role in life has already been partially determined for you at birth? Further, as a “victim” of circumstance due to the setting, trauma and heavy reliance on Gojo to fulfil all sorcerer duties from a young age (esp after Geto left) can certainly leave you in a state of emotional arrested development.

To reiterate, Gojo, unlike Sukuna, DOES find meaning and purpose in his students. He wised up and found the sense in what he and Geto discussed, learning from the past and adopting certain philosophies that suited him.

But still, as the strongest, Gojo was lonely with the line drawn - as a human being (self/identity) hiding behind a living creature (of strength/facade); Gojo seemed to be saying through the blooming lotuses (flowers growing out of literal muddy waters - rich in religious and cultural sumbolism) that he loves everyone but despite that they couldn’t understand him, and him, them. This is the main interpretation that makes sense as Gojo is talking about himself, his allies (esp Megumi), even possibly Geto, but he is also talking about reaching Sukuna.

Considering the possible interpretations for who the lotuses symbolise... he less common one from my readings thus far would be Sukuna; but it kinda makes sense: Sukuna, who was born to unfavourable circumstances, and similar to Hakari who described the strong looking down at others as if they were dirt. And achieving so much like a rising from the ashes. We also see him glorified as the strongest of all time now.

And it reinforces the “unreachability” (made up a word here) and how it was an impossible task in the first place.

The message being: How can Gojo reach someone who does not want to be reached? This cycles back to what he said to Yaga when Geto left. He cannot save anyone who does not want to be saved by others.

If Sukuna was the lotus, and was a beautiful flower in strength that defied odds to bloom in the murky depths of dirt - he certainly isn’t pure as the flower symbolises, but he certainly is some kind of divinity. But I really don’t want to glorify Sukuna.

I prefer the interpretation of the lotus being Gojo or those around him, but narratively, it is simply possible he is describing several people’s parallels here with how solitude accompanies being strong. Sukuna is like the unreachable Enlightened One. Yet, he strangely doesn’t seem to have a solid sense of identity - there is no “I am the strongest” that Gojo embraces, not that this is anything to hinge one’s identity upon, as it is part of Gojo’s problem.

And yet this still brings us to what Gojo wanted to reach Sukuna with aside from a demonstration of his skills. Does Yuta have anything to add to this, as the next Gojo Satoru?

Yuta, if we can appeal to his character for parallels in messages, and if we can consider him The Strongest 3.0 asked Uro - don’t you have a lover or friends? Implying that if one fights so desperately for their own sake, it reaches a dead end fairly quickly. Just WHO are you fighting for, and doesn’t fighting for yourself get a little old after decades?

Even Toji (without his soul when ressurected) instinctively ended his rampage at the sight of what his reason for living was, his son, albeit he cared for Megumi in a very dodgy roundabout way, fearing his closeness would ruin / stain his son. I’m reminded here of how Geto’s body reacted to Gojo’s voice; momentarily seizing Kenjaku by the throat.

Somehow the bond between Gojo and Geto is marking its significance again, isn’t it? They all had reasons they fought for, and through the many evidences of these, we are allowed insight into recurring ones that may hold more significance than others. You know, like: my students are watching, let’s schedule it on the 24th of December.

These are important things to gojo, he is also showing Sukuna what he doesn’t have. He didn’t need to live like a cursed object for decades, etc and his significance doesn’t die when he does. Yes, a big part of Gojo had craved this “all out” but as he lives his life and engages in the battle, all the pieces of WHY, WHO, and WHAT he is wielding power for start to surface.

As the reader we are finding these Easter eggs along with him, because the narrator and Gojo don’t disclose this openly. Gojo has people modelling this for him throughout his short life, and he seems to be quick on the uptake, despite preaching about strength. Maybe he isn’t terribly aware, but he knows more than he lets on - Gojo had a persona.

We probably can say the same about the “I’d win” scene that pretty much foreshadowed his defeat. That kind of a Champion enters the ring without fighting talk?

The scene depicting him reflecting upon his first ever defeat showed him to be chasing a “high” of satisfaction from going all out and fulfilling the itch of Boredom and Loneliness that plagues the unimaginably strong. Pursuing and honing his skill, getting stronger and stronger, drew him further and further away from anything meaningful - ending up in a state where he never really gets the satisfying release he craves.

Like a runner who is only allowed to run at 5kmph for a short distance; an artist who isn’t able to paint their desired masterpiece; a singer whose voice can only whispered to an audience; the strongest weightlifter who can only utilise 20% of his max strength... How terribly dissatisfying.

How stifling it is to have such a limitation. And yes, his skill is limitless. How ironic indeed - the repression, the impotence strength imposes.

And while we are on skill/technique names, others have pointed out before - unlimited void? What a perfect description of what felt meaninglessness / existential emptiness is.

The underside of this however was how it also alluded to the possibility that he was going to experience another enlightenment - but of a final kind of his physical form. It implies he was tired from his isolation or that there was at least no remedy for it, and therefore his present sense of fulfilment was to engage in battle and enjoy it - although he recognised signs of defeat - it would be satisfying as he could go all out or die trying.

It would fulfill the purpose of his existence as The Strongest contender anyway. He, could be the victor, or the pawn, who plays his part in the universe. His reigning time as the champion needed to be defended with dignity anyway. It reminds me of his conversation with Megumi about death and being selfish.

I mean, that's just imbued with meaning there. A whole post needs to be dedicated to It, and I'm not the subject matter expert by a long mile. Gojo’s bottom line was that strength did define him; he was born with it.

Watching Megumi possibly minimise his worth and clip his wings without pursuing / living up to his potential may be a waste, as a person who inherited the skills that took their ancestors down. However, the selfish path may not be for everyone.

Other writers’ meta I’ve read seem to touch on this too - that Gojo unwittingly became a form of the old Jujutsu world himself due to being a product of it himself, but he did do his best by his students to inspire change. This, to me, speaks volumes about him entrusting them to live out their paths upon his passing - what could he do in death, anyway? He taught them the importance of accountability and his own version of the truth - that power and strength - living to your potential is certainly one way of living, and they can expect to die alone, so make the most of their youth!

We witnessed Gojo making preparations for the match, following setting the date on 24th December. How romantic of Geto, to try and either seek Rika in jjk 0 or die to Gojo’s hand - and then now, Gojo, who may mourn Geto again, or die trying on the same day. It begs the question: was he also secretly at peace with the possibility of dying to Sukuna? At not being the strongest? It seems that him being a pragmatist (or “resignation man” as Gege apparently once put it) he would find some peace, especially since he was Geto in the afterlife and could see that his soul wasn’t trapped in his physical body or something - their corpses could be left to the living and Shoko, which seems to be the faithful stance they both take in trusting the living to “carry on” their respective teachings.

Nevertheless, Gojo is trying to reach Megumi here. But as the incredibly gifted, talented, and strongest - albeit as cursed as it is to be afflicted with it all, Gojo may not empathise with the struggles of the weaker. It is reminiscent of how he approaches the battle with Sukuna in the first place. He was challenged and he accepted.

A sport. That's not to say he lost sight of the bigger picture - we saw Gojo making preparations for a possible reality where he does not return.

Unfortunately, his skills also lend towards fighting alone, unless they were back-to-back with him. (I still hold onto the belief he and Geto could be a dynamic duo). Which Sukuna also used against him in their match in order to not get hit. Gojo has never learnt what it would be like to fight with others and it's old-fashioned egoist rules about matches when viewing it as a sport rather than of survival. But, Gojo had changed enough to feel he could reach Sukuna and had desired to impart something - maybe to have significance or be regarded by an equal - once again - for this would be of utmost satisfaction for him to receive.

He had learnt a whole lot about things in his short life. He did well. In a final battle of 3 vs 1? Against Sukuna in the body of Megumi and the 10 shadows that his ancestors had died to? That’s already unprecedented. But strength aside, Gojo had reached many people and it’s time for him to pass on the baton and be where he wants to be, in the version of himself where he is the happiest.

Gojo admits to being wrong about dying alone, further listening to how Nanami and Haibara reflected on the former's death betting on the future seemed to solidify some kind of understanding for him.

That he didn’t have regrets either. He, too, fought for a purpose beyond seeing satisfaction of being strong; it just became evident as it surfaced to his awareness. With his six eyes, he couldn’t see everything. With limitless, he couldn’t reach it all either. Even if you have everything, you can’t do anything. It is not enough to just be strong. And Gojo wasn’t just strong in the end.

He may or may not have reached Sukuna, but maybe, just maybe, in being wrong about dying alone, the necessity for everyone to be both selfless and selfish, was enough for Gojo. To reach and arrive at: Acceptance.

Seems pretty good to me, to be at peace.

—

“The absolute strongest, the loneliness that follows, the one who will teach you about love is... “

Yorozu’s haunting words.

Gojo is not the strongest anymore

Gojo didn’t feel lonely anymore

The one who will teach has taught him about love is...

You, Geto Suguru. It started with you, and it ends with you.

—

Yes, sound the alarm! It's satosugu brainrot headcanon.

Gojo seems to be saying, and I’ll phrase this as if he were speaking to Geto in his mind’s voice:

Yes, I was undeniably the strongest; until I wasn't. It was a fun fight. My students are my legacy; I trust them to take it from here too. They know they have the permission to be selfish. I trust that they have their own wisdom to know the difference; it is up to them now. I did my best to change the world that let us down in our youth; and fostered and shielded those under my care as best as I could with what I had. I think they had some good memories; I sought to give them a flavour of what we had, preserving the treasure that it was for us. I was never the teacher type, but I wanted to do something and clung onto a dream you and I shared.

I responded to others who loved me and surrounded me for my strength (living creature); but for me as a human, I am undeniably greedy and longed, pined for you (the only one who saw me: Satoru). You held the space as my one and only. I let you go back then in Shinjuku, and couldn’t let your body go when you died, and you came back as a puppet... I didn’t get to mourn you, but here we are: dying on the same date a year apart. Others still don’t quite get me (like Nanami and Haibara) but they understand the creature that is a part of me. They accept me; in itself, it’s enough, for a part of it is true.

As for the rest of me: you complete me with your understanding of me; parts of me that I don’t see or have forgotten. Just as unchanging as it was before, I’ve only ever needed you to satisfy me (and ease my solitude) ; no matter who filled the space around me, your absence spoke the loudest, because your presence alone would have been the most profound - I’d have felt satisfied / complete.

And yes, I am 100% romanticising here. Unashamedly!

—

A more pragmatic take would be:

He could be quite simply implying that he carried a guilt for the longest time and the one thing he couldn't achieve was to bring his best friend back home to Jujutsu High. I mean I adore Teacher AU and I'm totally open to this more shonen interpretation too.

The finale was as he entered the other land, in a dreamlike state, he sees Geto, remembers he’s tasked Shoko to tell Megumi, demonstrating he has infinite faith in the next generation to survive, and it’s sufficient, it seems, to have a death without regret.

We see Sukuna offering recognition of his skill and existence after he is slashed, laying on the floor, as it begins to snow. A small smirk appears that seems to also mirror the same on his expression in the cover of volume 26. Satisfaction. Gojo might’ve been a worthy opponent and reached Sukuna in that regard after all; maybe love was not his lesson to teach Sukuna. He has died a noble death befitting of a warrior to be surrounded by camellias.

Gojo Satoru passes onto the afterlife and heads south.

—

It’s controversial somehow; it is both enough, and leaves me wanting more. Here’s to hoping it’s not the last of Gojo (or Geto).

Maybe I did just want to dream a little. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. My tapestries tend to get quite complicated, and I wouldn’t blame anyone if they bailed!

[blasphemousclaw]

thoughts on demigod daddy issues

I’m avoiding my responsibilities and my poll is proving controversial, so I thought I’d do my own writeup on each candidate:

Morgott: His dad presumably abandoned him in a sewer. Given Godfrey’s association with the crucible, I doubt it was Godfrey’s decision to confine the omen twins to the sewers and I have no doubt that he loved them, seeing Godfrey’s tender moment holding Morgott’s body. However, the twins ended up in that sewer nonetheless. Either Godfrey opposed this but didn’t fight for them hard enough, or he concluded it was for their own good. Still, Morgott defends the Erdtree like his father before him. Certified daddy issues

Mohg: Same backstory as Morgott, except we don’t get that poignant moment that we do with Godfrey and Morgott in the game. He seems to have abandoned everything Godfrey stood for anyway. Daddy issues present but not to the same extent as his brother

Miquella: For a while, he was daddy’s ultimate special golden boy. They crafted golden order fundamentalist incantations together as gifts for each other (and it’s never mentioned that Radagon did anything like this with his other children). He tried his very hardest to use the Golden Order’s teachings to heal his sister’s afflictions, but they ultimately could not save her and he turned his back on his father’s order. We don’t know how Radagon reacted, but based on his zealotry combined with his previous relationship with his son, there must have been a serious fallout. Certified daddy issues

Malenia: There aren’t any textual hints to her and Radagon’s relationship, but we can speculate. Her father’s order couldn’t heal her afflictions… did she feel like her father didn’t try hard enough for her? That he chose his own faith over her wellbeing? Subtextual daddy issues

Ranni: She probably despises her father for abandoning her mother and leaving her a broken husk; her mother, who was her greatest teacher and role model, who she protects and whose legacy and memory she continues to defend. On top of that, she despises her empyreanhood and wants no part of the Two Fingers’ designs. I wouldn’t be surprised if she blamed her father for the fingers’ hold on her fate, too. Certified daddy issues; however, she doesn’t seem to revel in any hatred for him and just does what needs to be done to realize her vision

Rykard: Mr. “Lord of Blasphemy,” son of Mr. “leal hound of the Golden Order.” You don’t dedicate your entire life to opposing everything your own father stands for, fight the “most appalling battle in the entirety of the Shattering,” feed yourself to the embodiment of treason against the Erdtree, or make it your goal to “devour the very gods” (god being your father’s counterpart), and not have some kind of daddy issues complex. There’s a potent and multifaceted dynamic here. The red feathers on the Gelmir knight helms might indicate a reverence for his father’s legacy. He worked alongside his father in enforcing the Golden Order’s rule of law. Yet he doesn’t seen to have ever held any personal loyalty to his father’s order, having planned to betray it long before he actually committed treason. He demonstrates affection for his mother, brother, and sister, but not his father. He lusts for his own power and independent authority, but echoes the violence carried out by his father in his own practices. What does his father mean to him? Is he a role model, or a tyrant, something to be destroyed and replaced? Or is he both? Certified implied daddy issues

Radahn: He inherited his famous red lion’s mane from Radagon, who was said to have hated his own red hair. He admires his father and his “heroic” legacy. Yet he walks around in Godfrey cosplay, seeking to emulate Godfrey’s legendary example on the battlefield. He doesn’t seem to have inherited Radagon’s love of the Erdtree, either. “I was born a champion’s cub. Now, I am the lord of the battlefield’s lion.” Though he admires his father’s strength, there seems to be a distance between them, a distance that has deepened his obsession with Godfrey as a role model. Did he feel under-appreciated by Radagon? self-conscious? abandoned? Certified daddy issues

Godwyn: We have no idea what his relationship to his father was. It is interesting that he takes a more reconciliatory approach to conflict than Godfrey, though.

Godrick: I don’t think we technically know who his direct father is; I think it’s likely he’s further down the line of Marika’s descendants rather than being a direct son of someone like Godwyn. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have some of the most potent issues with the legacy of his forebears in the game. He’s obsessed with living up to the legacy of the golden lineage, so much so that he steals other people’s limbs to make himself stronger. He constantly references Godfrey; his axe is an homage to him. “Great Godfrey, didst thou witness?” Everything he does is to make himself into what he believes to be more worthy of his lineage. Certified “daddy” issues. yes this still counts to me

[inthegardenofprayers]

"It is not possible to walk away from such things unscarred, to keep living when the universe dies around you..." it's my single favorite quote from Sion and I think it's because it made me realize the motif of trauma. Most major characters in KOTOR II experience an extremely traumatic event in their lifetime. Hanharr can't handle owing a lifedebt to Mira and goes insane. Bao-Dur still feels immense guilt over his activation of the Mass Shadow Generator. Same with Atton and his guilt over being an assassin. Sion was defeated in battle, literally dying. Visas had her planet destroyed by Nihilus, who in turn was murdered by the Mass Shadow Generator. Kreia was exiled and eventually betrayed by her sith apprentices. Even though G0-T0 is a droid, his purpose is to fix the mass trauma of an entire civilization. Lastly, Meetra Surik (or just the exile) cut off from the force to survive the stress of the Mass Shadow Generator. As an exception, I'd say Disciple and Handmaiden don't necessarily have personal trauma but this is because they are introduced to the exile as a novice and will grow alongside you and reflect your decisions. The entire galaxy underwent trauma in the Mandalorian wars, and the story of KOTOR II is how react to your own trauma, the trauma of your companions, and ultimately the trauma of the republic.

|

I see the light side and dark side choices in game as the way you dealt with your trauma and how you help others through theirs, rather than explicit rejections or embraces of Jedi/Sith teachings. After all, you aren't even a member of the Jedi Order anymore and you left a long time ago because you didn't agree with them. Think about it like the restoration project on Telos, but with the emotional and mental health of every character in the game. When Sion tells you that nobody could walk away from such things "unscarred" its up to you whether or not that's even true. Do you walk the path of the light side and find redemption/healing through community, altruism, and self sacrifice? Or do you walk the path of the dark side: hardening yourself for protection and seeking power at the expense of others' wellbeing? Sion and Nihilus chose the latter and take take the idea to its apex. Neither can survive without the force and they are restricted by their relationship to it. Kreia makes a point to say that Nihilus does not know true power as he cannot control himself, or his abilities. He is completely beholden to a primal urge to feed. Sion loses to you in the very clip because you have the stronger will. While they survived their trauma, they are weaker because they never healed. They are "scarred" as Sion says.

|

Kreia offers a third way, based off your own survival at Malachor. Reliance upon the self, upon willpower and strength of mind is the only way to survive. After all, you did survive Malachor not because of your connection to the force, but because you were strong without it. It is the synthesis of Sith and Jedi ideas, which she combined after spending time as a great master of both orders. But is this a true way to heal from trauma? It may never be possible to heal from trauma, but look at how far your companions come and only after YOU took the time to influence them. They are strong on their own, surviving years on dangerous planets or designing weapons that bring armies to their knees, but through their connection to YOU, to a community, they unlock their true potential.

(I added more in the comments of what he said)

[coraniaid]

I'm not suggesting that Buffy and Faith were secretly dating (or at least making out between patrols) before the events of Revelations.  Even if Buffy joked about “seeing someone tonight” when her friends asked her if she was dating somebody, before putting her arms around Faith and insisting that they were really “just good friends”.  Even if Faith’s reaction to finding out about Angel – “Buffy knew … I can’t believe her” – is very easy to read as romantic or sexual jealousy.  Even if Gwendolyn Post’s last attempt to manipulate Faith (the accusation that Buffy was “blinded by love” for Angel) seems specifically designed to play on this jealousy.  Even if Faith’s decision at the end of the episode that “you can’t trust people” implies she’s been betrayed by more than one person; even if Buffy’s “you can trust me” is met with a disbelieving smirk.

I don’t really think that’s how the writers intended the show to be viewed.  More importantly, I don’t think that Buffy – even if she was emotionally self-aware enough to acknowledge her own feelings – would be ready to have that sort of relationship so soon after Scott Hope, let alone be able to keep it a secret.  

But what I am saying is that, in a world where that actually was the explicit plot of Revelations, you really wouldn't have to change any of the dialogue in the opening scene of The Wish at all. 

This is a scene in which Buffy’s lament that she  “couldn’t reach [Faith] … again” segues straight into her commiserating with Xander over the fact he’s had “no luck reaching Cordelia”.  Cordelia of course, is Xander’s ex-girlfriend who refused to speak to him the last time he went to see her, after Xander was seen secretly kissing Willow, and hasn’t been seen with him since. Cordelia's furious because she was just starting to tell herself that she was in love with Xander and he betrayed her.  Faith, on the other hand, is Buffy’s [redacted] who refused to speak to her the last time she went to see her, after Buffy was seen secretly kissing Angel, and hasn’t been seen with her since.  Faith's furious because she was just [redacted].

Meanwhile Willow tells Buffy she’s looking forward to seeing Oz again so she can “beg for forgiveness”, and Buffy – fresh from visiting Faith’s motel to do “damage control”, to apologize for keeping secrets and to promise her that she’s on her side, and who just finished telling her friends that she’s sad Faith hasn’t been hanging out with her lately  – tells her that that works too, and she “knows the feeling” Willow is going through.

The one line I might cut is the one that doesn’t make much sense even in isolation.  Xander decides that Buffy can relate to what he and Willow are going through because she “went through it with Angel”.  Only … well, yes, it’s true in a very broad  sense that Buffy has already experienced some sort of heartbreak with Angel, but the comparison doesn’t really work beyond that, does it?  Angel didn’t break up with Buffy because she was unfaithful. (Sort of the opposite, really.)  Buffy never had to apologize to Angel for kissing somebody else. She's carrying a lot of Angel-related guilt, but it's not particularly similar to the guilt that Willow or Xander should be feeling (Buffy blamed herself for Angel losing his soul in Innocence and for sending him to hell in Becoming, but she had no way to know the first would happen and was forced to do the latter to save the world). As of the last episode, if anything it’s Buffy who broke things off with Angel.  As parallels go it just feels a little forced.

Again, this is the first time Angel’s been brought up in the conversation.   And yet, Buffy has been talking about somebody she hurt and deliberately lied to and wishes she could make things right with, hasn’t she?

But, like I said, I’m not suggesting that  Buffy and Faith were secretly dating before Revelations.  I’m not.

Obviously that didn’t happen until Bad Girls.

[undiscovered-horizon]

Unwanted Guests: Crescendo | Morpheus x Reader

[WARNING: kidnapping, spoilers for 'Season of Mists']

['Unwanted Guests' - Morpheus's guests seem to be suspiciously interested in his wife]

{'Unwanted Guests: Diminuendo' - No longer in possession fo the key to Hell, Morpheus must think of another way to get you back.}

@padsfirewhisky was worried something else would have happend, so I'm doing just that hihi

SUMMARY: You had left to take care of a few things in the Waking World shortly before Morpheus reluctantly welcomes various envoys interested in the key to Hell. He doesn't think much of your absence - that is until Azazel reveals a vital detail.

WORDCOUNT: ~ 1k

Missing someone was not an unfamiliar sensation to Dream. In fact, there were a lot of people he missed, although one might wonder whether he didn't actually miss how serene life appeared when they were next to him. The case of you was only marginally different - your absence made Dreaming feel unbearably empty on top of this well-known loneliness weighing him down once more.

Morpheus thought that for the time being, making his palace smaller would cure the sorrow of his heart even slightly but no matter how closely the white walls came towards one another, it was still so... empty. The castle had been gradually shrunk to maybe 1/3 of its original size and yet his steps echoed throughout the long halls as though his own home betrayed him to constantly accentuate your absence. With a defeated sigh, he had to accept that it wasn't the vacancy of the palace that bothered him but the unfillable hole in his heart left by a vital piece you had taken the day you left for the Waking World.

'I'll be back before you can even notice' you told him with a smile on your face. But even on a warm summer day, a poorly fitted window lets draft enter the house, making the dwellers cold. And Morpheus was freezing.

Then, the envoys came and the heart of Dreaming filled with wonderful creatures. Morpheus, however, kept wondering if there was a limit to the loneliness he could feel. Among such dignified company, he found himself slowly drowning in his sorrowful thoughts. Truth be told, he was never quite fond of having guests. On most occasions he could rely on you holding his hand or a passing peck of reassurance but not that time - not on the night he had to make a decision that was undoubtedly going to influence a lot more than just Hell.

As though they could read the king's mind, sail the seas of lovesick sentiments, the demons began conferring:

"You really think this is going to work?" Choronzon asked Azazel. Countless sets of teeth grinned inside the rift to the seemingly endless void.

"I don't think, you dimwit. I know it's going to get us the key to Hell. Either that or Dream of the Endless is writing off the only person that gives a shit about him," the Prince of Hell stated before adding in a mocking snicker: "Again."

The three demons cackled, already tasting victory and glory on their wretched tongues. While the other guests appeared tense, realizing the fierceness of the competition, they simply sat back, awaiting the obvious outcome. None other could offer what they had.

Entire aeons seemed to have passed before Morpheus summoned Azazel to speak with him. Strangely enough, the Prince of Hell was not impatient, not this time. For impatience was a distant relative of uncertainty and Azazel was awfully confident.

The room was generally dark, lit only by candles placed on the throne of questionable design. On top of the said seat was Morpheus himself, with his head propped up on his hand. To him, the night had been going on forever and it was nowhere near close to ending. In the dimmed room, with exhaustion and longing painted on his bony face, he appeared uncharacteristically ancient. Even his skin seemed to turn from white into some sickly-looking shade of grey.

Azazel felt excited, finally finding himself in the climax of the story. But he was playing a long game and that meant he had to hold his card close just a few minutes longer:

"I present to you, Choronzon." Morpheus looked at the cocooned demon with disinterest. It wasn't the strangest gift he had been offered but definitely the least appealing so far. "He challenged you and promptly lost. Now powerless, he's all yours."

"I understand," Morpheus nodded. "And the other thing?"

"Oh, nothing much," Azazel said in a strangely dismissive tone. If he had hands, he'd surely wave them for a dramatic effect. "Just a mortal woman made into a goddess to marry the king of hopes and fears. She was visiting someone among humans but between you and me, I think she was just taking a break from her old man."

Suddenly, Dream scrambled to his feet. His shade distorted into a shapeless, angered creature that slowly devoured the room. In some kind of magic trick, the animated obscurity extinguished all candlelight, seething at the presence of anything but darkness. "You dare-"

"Nu-uh. I don't dare anything, per se, Dream of the Endless," Azazel cut him off. "I'm only making a reasonable offer. The key in exchange for the mortal. A small price to pay for someone you worthlessly claim to love, no?"

Morpheus fell silent, pondering his options in a quiet panic. He hated the thought of giving in to the demon but you... You deserved none of this. His hand curled into a tight fist as his thoughts played out more and more pessimistic scenarios of your well-being. On the other hand, placing the key to Hell back in demons' hands in good faith that they'll give you to him unscathed was reckless even for him. How does one choose between misery and woe? Morpheus knew he couldn't give in so easily, so he managed a vague response in a constrained voice:

"I will consider your offer, Azazel."

"Heard him, little lady?" The Prince of Hell chimed as though he was expecting you to answer. In a boldly slow manner, he strolled back towards his chamber but did not leave the small throne room before rubbing some more salt into the wound: "He will consider having you back. Wonderful husband, isn't he?"

Morpheus fell back down onto his throne, angry tears dwelling in his eyes as he's clenching his jaw tight enough to make his entire body tremble nervously. There, in the darkness, he's lonelier than ever.

[odd-lee]

My take on Watcher that nobody asked for

I see a lot of people kissing up to Watcher Entertainment and I see even more people trying to burn Steven at the stake, so here are my two cents on the whole situation (even though I have like no relevance in anything I just want to get my thoughts out)

I honestly don't know if I've ever been this emotional about a company making a decision like this, I don't usually get into the parasocial bullshit usually, but I think a lot of people feel a similar way. I feel like Watcher's misstep here is they're launching this like it is a big company launching some sort of product or new feature. I think they're forgetting how personal their work is. A lot of it was designed to kind of feel like banter between friends. It's a pretty personal feeling model compared to other formats. I think that's why they thrived so much, because people kind of felt included. Plus, especially Shane had always been someone who felt like a real, down to earth guy. That was his whole persona. Eat the rich, get up to mischief, just do shit for the hell of it. So overall, it was really jarring and upsetting for people to suddenly feel like they're taking a huge step back into corporate hell. It's not their brand. I don't think they understand that this is going to shift the entire feel of their content. I watch them even though i know a lot of their theories are bogus because they're fun. If I wanted to watch a bunch of psuedoscientists scramble around without the chemistry and with all the jump cuts and cheap out cliffhangers, I'd start watching the History Channel again. They're moving away from being those weird guys in the back of your class you started to talk to because they're funny and moving into Ancient Aliens Corporate Late Night TV show bullshit.

It's super upsetting to me, I know I expected this least of all from them and it kind of feels like a betrayal of their values and brand rather than just a shift into a different stage of creation, which I think is partially why they're receiving such severe backlash. I see a bunch of people talking about the economic implications, and sure, it's definitely a slap in the face for them to claim that everyone can afford 70 USD a year and for Steven to make that kind of ridiculous instagram post where he guilts followers who cannot afford to follow them behind the wall by saying they don't want to follow them behind the wall, but we've seen people do this before. It's almost expected in the corporate world we have going on. But it's just such a fundimental betrayal of everything they branded themselves as that it feels like everything they had before was a lie.

That being said, i've seen a lot of vitriol on the internet towards them. I feel almost personally betrayed and lied to, but I think we should keep in mind that these guys aren't our friends. They're a company. Completely lambasting Steven isn't going to do anything and it isn't really fair. I never really liked him much, he kind of got on my nerves, but the Ghoul Boys are just as responsible for this as Steven is. They're the face of the company, if one of them backed out, Watcher would collapse (as it is now), so I don't think anyone really had any sort of leverage over them to hold them at gunpoint. I don't know who made the decision and pulled the trigger, but we really cannot know how any of them felt about it, and we cannot make excuses for any of them either.

But we shouldn't really have to make excuses either. This isn't a moral issue. It's just a business decision. A bad one that people have the right to be upset about, but it's not like they're spitting on our faces, they're just making some really out of touch decisions as a company. Nobody's a bad person because they're doing this. I'm upset, and we should tell them we're upset, because that sort of feedback is what they're going to listen to. But insulting and villainizing them and claiming this is some sort of moral downfall is just going to want to make them dig their heels in. It'll create hostility between them and us, and they'll no longer regard us as their fans, so they'll no longer listen to us. It's just a company, in the end. We should try to treat them like one instead of like some sort of estranged friend. EVen though it really does feel like a personal betrayal, eugh.

TLDR: I think it was a poor idea, not just because it's kind of financially out of touch but mostly because they rely on a closeness to their community that the paywall will destroy and it makes us viewers feel lied to. But, we should really stop trying to roast them on a spit, they're a company and we should treat them calmly and firmly as such.

[littlealeta]

Abigail Review (Spoilers)

LONG BLOG! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS BLOG, SCROLL DOWN TO THE OVERALL SECTION FOR A TL;DR and ALETA REWRITES

We haven’t had an evil child film since uh… Annabelle Creation? So, I was excited to see how this movie would play out.

Unfortunately, it’s like every other evil child film.

So… the positives?

The actors are excellent. They fit seamlessly into their roles. Their comedic timing and wits are great. Abigail’s actress is adorably sweet and innocent and portrays her manipulative split personality naturally. Everyone looked like they were having fun and were really into their roles, which was always entertaining to see.

Some of the scenes are entertainingly quirky. Like Abigail using Sammy as a puppet, while cliched, was humorous and fun with the intercut shots while this wildly unfitting song is playing. The scene is melodramatic but it somehow comes off as ironically humorous (in a good way). Abigail dancing to classical music with Dean’s beheaded body is another moment of good creepiness. And the entire scene with Puppet Frank was interestingly disturbing and sometimes funny. It was crazy.

Rickle was a likeable character who the film, unfortunately, had the misfortune to kill off early on because… I guess they didn’t know what to do with his character.

And… that’s about it.

Story

Like I said, the story, besides a few scenes, doesn’t really do anything special with its concept. It had a good concept (ballerina who just wants to play and can turn people into her slaves), but it never really goes that far with it. Instead, it’s just another horror film where a group of people are being chased by a monster.

The ending is a total wtf mess. Joey gets her heart stabbed and twisted and somehow survives because the protagonist's gotta have plot armor. Abigail turns a 180 and starts protecting Joey for some reason. Lazaar appears and…we don’t know what he’s about, besides the fact that he’s creepy. He and Abigail let Joey out because the movie has to end.

Characters

The cast is an entire mixed bag. The only one I liked was Rickle because he seemed like the most decent in the cast. But instead, they write him off, leaving us with a group of ignorant scumbags for the rest of the hour. We don’t even really get much time to know Rickle because he was killed off so soon. I feel Dean had more personality than him. I don’t remember much about Rickle other than he was the nice guy. And Dean has the same problem. The film fucks him over too early so we don’t have time to find a reason why we should care about these two characters.

Besides Rickle, the cast are all unsympathetic people. Luckily, some of their actors are good enough to make them appealing. And they DO have their moments where they are funny and badass, but when they’re being serious and/or trying to make a decision, they’re just your average dumb horror movie character. Some of the dialogue that they make is on the nose, notably right before they die, they do the cliche “I will always be there for you” kind of shit. 

Joey (seemingly our protagonist) is revealed to have been a deadbeat mother who dabbled in drugs and a life of crime. One poor decision she made was betraying the group over killing Abigail despite knowing she was Valdez! She is also apparently psychic (as she can read other people), but is never said to be so because the film is too lazy to. Dean is the dumb horror character who somehow just has no brains. Implicitly, he seems to be on drugs, but they don’t do anything to make his character likeable, nor do I believe it was stated that he WAS on drugs.

Sammy is my least favorite. Not only do I hate the way her character is designed, but she’s just a total whiny bitch who often has something annoyingly smug to say. Or she just gets pissed off for no fucking reason, like when she finds Dean’s body.

Peter and Frank? They’re on the more likeable side, but they’re not too great either. Peter, for example, makes the dumb decision to kill Abigail before knowing she was Valdez and almost released her from her cage at the expense of his group. Frank is the only sane man, I probably tolerated him the most, considering he was the only one with a brain. However, he can often be harsh and insensitive (like about Joey's troubled life) and, he too, threatens Abigail, screaming at her when for all he knew at the time, she was just an innocent little girl. And then, he just turns completely against the group because the writers LOVE making these characters impossible to care about. He has a similar past to Joey because the writers couldn’t come up with something different.

Last but not least is the titular character Abigail, who apparently has some dark past, but still manages to be a bland villain. She’s your typical horror movie character out for revenge and to kill the main characters. Her ballerina moves can hardly make up for it. Despite having a backstory, her development still feels shallow. There’s a whole slow ass scene where she monologues about how everyone came to be the way that they are. Number 1. How do you know who anyone is? Number 2. SHOW DON’T TELL, MOVIE.

Overall

Abigail gets 3.4 bells out of 10

Actors feel natural in their roles and are hilarious with their humor. The concept is a tad quirky, and there are some scenes where they run with that, but they are few and far in between. Plot feels mostly like your average horror film and is slow at some parts, especially at the beginning. Characters tend to make some horrible and appallingly dumb decisions with Rickle being the only nice guy in the group. If the characters are not horrible, they are shallow, like unfortunately our almost one-note villain. Dialogue sometimes feel so obvious, it’s unnatural. Ending feels very lazy due to the shallowness of the characters and their development.

Aleta Rewrites: I would make Abigail a playfully eerie child, like a Chucky kind of situation. Like, obviously, I think the movie tried to make her out to be this playful, quirky ballerina kid. So, I would lean into that more. So, it doesn’t seem like she’s just some generic character hell bent on revenge, but rather a lunatic with a morbid fascination with gore and death. So, the only reason she’s bodying people is so that she can play and mess with them, like in the scene where she’s dancing with Dean’s beheaded body. Maybe she can kill her victims while she’s dancing/playing, that would be funny. Lean in more into the horror comedy instead of making it a gritty drama about corrupt people.

I would also develop Lazaar more. Maybe make him the final boss of the film. Or preferably, do a twist where it shows that HE was the one possessing Abigail and everyone in the film, so when he's killed off or his magic is wrecked, Abigail will be free and THEN will team up to fight Valdez.

[reginakoilos]

Chapter 5 Under the Skin: Betrayal

Word count: 2968 REVISED

Two months had slipped away since Helena’s collapse, leading to her hospitalization and exhaustive monitoring for her eating disorders. She wavered on the edge of recovery and relapse, an unstable balance she battled to maintain. Accepting Soap’s purported death was a bitter pill to swallow, but she resolved to move forward in her way. The discharge papers were unequivocal: imperative rest, therapy, a rigorous diet, and absolutely no alcohol. Recognizing the severity of the situation, Price made the difficult decision to place her on forced leave, ensuring she wouldn’t return to missions until she was healthier. The smashing defeat of losing the person she cherished most, coupled with her enforced leave, wreaked havoc on her mind.

“You will stay herein until you are ready to come back,” Price said in an official tone helping her with her bags. She had been taken into an apartment close enough to the base. She inspected her surroundings; the apartment was decorated nicely, few framed pictures on the walls, and some plants to revive the ambient, and she had more space than she had envisioned.

She walked around controlling the house, after suffering from eating disorders her irrational self pulled out a few paranoia, one of those was the fear of being watched. The living area had cozy furniture and soft lighting. It was the perfect blend of simplicity and charm, making it a charming place to call home, at least for the time she had to stay there. The sleeping room seemed peaceful and quiet, with a comfy bed covered in nice sheets. A nightstand held a lamp that cast a warm glow. On the walls, framed pictures were hung, while a few potted plants brought a hint of green to the space. The kitchenette was modern and efficient, featuring smooth work surfaces and all she would need to cook. A small dining table sat nearby, with a plant posed in the center, making it a cozy spot for meals. The restroom was clean and well-maintained, with a simple yet functional design. It had a shower, a sink, and a mirror beside a toilet. Light-colored Towels were hung, and it looked pretty cozy.

Her eyes observed Price as he reached the window to open the drapes, exposing the living room they were into the light outside.

“It looks nice…” she said, her lips curling into a small smile as she focused on a shelf filled with books. “This will be my home for the next few months, then.” Price nodded and spoke, “Yes, until you feel strong enough.” She nodded, her gaze dropping to the floor.

“Hel…for what it’s worth, I am sorry for how things turned out” “No need to be sorry, Price. I should have believed Soap was dead since the beginning instead of clinging to that absurd idea of him still being alive…” She murmured despite the anger that surged within her at the deception, she chose to play along with his words.

Price didn’t look at her. He knew he was lying. He knew Soap was at the base, and her forced leave was just the perfect opportunity to keep them apart for their greater good. “I’d better go now. I’ll come back tomorrow, and Ghost will come by later. Think you can look after yourself for a few hours?” She nodded and spoke almost shyly, “Yes…I…I do…”

Uneasiness embraced her as she looked around, but she knew she needed to be alone for a while.

As Price walked out, she found herself alone, the thoughts in her head growing louder. -He’s a liar! Soap is alive, you know that! He is alive, and he is there! Price betrayed you; how can you not yell at him? It’s his fault you ended up like this!- She covered her ears, struggling with her thoughts. “Shut up…please, shut up…” -You won’t shut me up this time! I am right, and you know it!- She yelled at herself, “Shut the hell up!” The voice inside her head stopped and whispered -You will see I am right and when it happens, trust me you will regret it-

Helena shook her head and spoke in a whisper “He is dead…Soap is dead…” She cried at those words sitting on the couch with her knees under her chin rocking herself in the pure desperation and Hopelessness sensation.

Meanwhile, at the Base, Soap was trying to find Helena, he came across Price and asked him “Where is she?” Price huffed and spoke “Somewhere you better not reach her Soap, she is still unstable…” Soap clenched his jaw and spoke once more “Two months Price, two fucking months I am back and still you keep up this stupid Pantomime of yours!” Price looked at Soap with a commanding sight and spoke with a commanding tone “You will stay away from her till I won’t tell you otherwise Sergeant!” MacTavish looked at his Captain incapable of talking back to his order, it had always been that way, Price ordered and he acted, didn’t matter how much he hated his orders, he obeyed always and this time was no different. “Yes sir.” He sniffed and walked away to the training Grounds as the vigilant eyes of Price burned with guilt and hate for himself reminding the day Soap came back.

Soap jumped out the chopper he was on, Price was there looking at him with pride in his sight “Ah! Our hero!” Laswell smiled at Price’s words as the both of them walked to Soap, his face was a mask of tiredness and worry “Where is she?” Laswell intervened “She is not in the condition to see you now Soap. She’s passing through a lot right now…” “I need to see her, I need to see My Helena” “Soap please…” Pleaded Kate looking at him with a motherly expression “Is better for you not to see each other now, trust me” Soap looked at Kate and spoke chuckling bitterly “Not seeing her? I fought for her, I won for her!” Price intercepted MacTavish’s aggressive tone and retorted “On your feet Soldier!” John clenched his jaw and took his position as always as the good diligent Soldier he was. “Helena is in good hands, she is under constant observation, she will be fine soon, and as soon as she is herself again, you both will be able to see each other again, it’s a promise”

And there he was, keeping the both of them separated for their good.

As the night arrived, she found herself cooking something to eat, the fridge was filled with food, and she was listening to some music to soothe her thoughts when she heard someone out of her door, she turned off the stove and looked from the peeping hole, when she noticed Ghost she opened “Good evening to you Ghost” Ghost looked at her up to down and with his usual expression spoke “Got responsibilities I can’t avoid, you know? Price asked me to keep an eye on you, so here I am” She stepped aside and gestured him to enter her apartment.

Ghost stepped in and closed the door behind him as she returned to the kitchen preparing two plates of food for both of them “Hope you eat chicken because I cooked it” Ghost’s expression for a moment seemed to soften slightly despite his balaclava on as usual. His deep voice carried a calm tone “Thank you” Hel nodded and posed the plates on the table, looking at her plate “You must eat it all, Helena…” Said the English man “I know…” She grabbed her knife and fork and started to cut the chicken into little pieces forcing herself to eat. Also if she was okay with the medics, she couldn’t avoid considering once again the food as her rival, she looked at her arm, it was curvier than two months prior, and pinning it to her mind she started eating.

“I will have to go check in myself at the Hospital in a few days” Ghost nodded “We all know, one of us will come with you” She nodded and started eating, Ghost was looking at her, without losing a single bit of their dinner “Don’t forget to eat the bread and the veggies…” She nodded as she was still forcing herself to gulp down her dinner. As his vigilant eyes were on her, Ghost received a message from Soap “How is she?” He responded “She is eating” Soap wrote again “Tell her something from me Ghost, tell her “You are my rumble” just do it and don’t ask” Ghost took a deep breath and texted back “I can’t Johnny…” “Ghost, please…” Responded John but Ghost kept on his words “Johnny…I am sorry, but I cannot do that…” The message was sent and Soap stopped responding.

That last text left Soap with an anger that was rising inside him every second more, Price didn’t want them to reconcile, now also Ghost was against it. The Sergeant knew he needed to stay back for a while, but the thought of Helena passing all that shit far from him was killing him inside, slowly, he needed to find a way to let her know he was there, he needed to let her know he was back home, to her.

Months passed and every attempt of Soap to get close to Helena again was stopped by everyone on the team, it seemed they were all against this bond, but in reality, Helena was unstable and the news of his return could have done more damage than good to her and John didn’t understand that.

Also if she was slowly regaining her old self, the weight of the loss started to take advantage of her and the day she snapped was almost a massacre.

After that dinner with Ghost, weeks passed as she feigned to feel better, putting on a mask of fake smiles and well-played reassurance. But behind it, she started to act recklessly; every day, her thirst for revenge grew stronger. Until the day she met someone—a man who was gentle, a real gentleman—but she didn’t know his real plans. He was an undercover agent of the enemies the entire task force was trying to bring down. She was so absorbed by her feelings that she started working alongside him.

“Oh Hel, your kindness is something I cannot even begin to talk about,” she said, seated behind her desk in a video call with the man who called himself Garret. “I just did what I needed to. Now your data is safe; nobody will ever be able to get into it,” she smiled ignoring the fact that by doing so, she gave him a way to Hack her systems and not only hers. Garret smiled back and spoke soothingly, “Once in a lifetime, we will see each other for real, huh?” She laughed, feeling a bit at ease talking to him, even though he was slowly turning her into a criminal without her noticing. “I am sure of it. Thanks to your jobs, I can keep up with my skills. It’s a good thing,” she looked at the clock and spoke. “My time has come. I’ve got to go; my babysitter of the day will be here in minutes…”

A bitter smile spread across her face. “I see. Who’s the one for tonight?” Garret asked. “Kyle,” she responded, laughing. “He’s a good guy, but he is too attached to Johnathan. He follows him like the Mages follow the Northern Star. The old man speaks, and Kyle obeys, as does everyone else here. I am the only one who’s not obeying anymore. I mean, how can they be so blind not to understand that he is playing some stupid game with them all?” she asked, her gaze taking on a slight glint of anger. Garret smiled, taking advantage of it “Well, continue to be like that, Hel. You are doing great, trust me. Even if they do not see it yet, they will soon know the old man is just pulling their leg…” She whispered, “I hope so. See you later, Garret.” “See you later, darling,” he stated, his last word making her smile and blush. She hung up the video call and closed her laptop, thinking about his purpose to meet sometime. It was good to feel appreciated again by someone. The entire team seemed to have forgotten since she came back from the hospital. Hearing his words about the situation made her start to believe she was a burden. Gaz and the others never spoke about work with her, given the orders of Laswell and Price. This made her more convinced she was becoming just a nobody, a civilian baby to take care of.

During one of Price’s visits, she snapped. “Why have you stopped talking to me about our job?” “Hel, it’s just that we do not want to burden you. You are still incapable of keeping your mind straight…” he began. “Those are just excuses, and you know it!” she interrupted. “Helena, please…” “No! I’m full of this nonsense, these secrets you are keeping from me. I know you and Laswell hide something from me, as does the rest of the team. They are all under your control, and I am tired of this!” “Hel, it’s not how you see things, trust me…” “Trust you? Fun words to use, Captain. I stopped trusting you after you all started acting shady towards me!” She was angry, feeling deluded, and mistrusted. “You all have something that you’re hiding from me! And I do not even know why! I’ve always done all I was told, for what? Uh? For being treated like a fool!” At that moment, a loud rumble was heard outside, and the apartment trembled as if an earthquake had hit the place. Her eyes widened as she ran to the window. A huge hole in the street could be seen, and she yelled, “Shit! We are under attack, Captain!” Price was behind her, looking outside, breathing faster, and visibly angry. “Damn it!” He made his way to the door and commanded, “Stay here!” “No!” she retorted. He glared at her, wrapping his hand around her neck, his eyes filled with command and anger. “Stop acting like a brat! I said stay here! It’s an order, and you will obey it whether you like it or not!” She frowned and retorted, “This is what I was talking about. I’m just a brat to you…” Her hate was evident in her words as her phone rang, and Price made his way out, running from the building, and returning to the base to see what had happened. She picked up the phone, “Hello?” Garret’s voice spoke on the other side. “Thank you for your services, Helena. Did you like what we created?” Her eyes widened recognizing the voice at the other side of the phone. “Garret, what are you talking about?” “Oh, come on. I thought you were more intelligent than you showed, little girl…” There, she understood her huge mistake. She trusted someone in a moment of weakness that turned out to be an enemy. She ran to the window as the communication was interrupted by Garret himself. He was in the streets, hugging his rifle and waving at her with a menacing smile on his face. She had given him the resources to act on his bloodshed plan, the instruments to hack the base, take advantage of them all, and maybe even kill them all.

She panicked as her eyes filled with tears. At her door, Kate Laswell stood, unbelieving of what she had heard. “What have you done, Helena?” “I don’t know…Kate” She burst out crying damning herself for what was happening as Laswell spoke to her men “From now on your ears are closed, you do not hear a thing and on the report, any of the things will be said here will be reported clear?” Her agents nodded as outside the Pandemonium was happening. Kate Got closer to Helena and asked “Who’s this Garret Helena?” She was confused, incapable of thinking straight and her words were stuck into her throat, she kept silent for a few seconds as the streets were a mess of soldiers and criminals fighting each other. “Garret…is…a man…a charmed one, he contacted me on my e-mail, not new see that people do that at times…I thought he was a friend of the General because he knew his name, he knew his…everything and told me he gave him my e-mail address. We started talking and he said to me he needed to reinforce his security servers…I just…helped him, but…in the meantime, I was helping him to…hack into our systems…” She said between the tears “It’s all my fault, I was a stupid, a weak stupid brat…” Kate looked at her with a knowing look and spoke “Helena…” Laswell started but soon was interrupted by Price who entered the apartment followed by Gaz, “From now on, you are in our custody Helena.” Helena met Price’s and Gaz’s gaze, they were visibly failed by her way of acting, Laswell’s heart was swelling with sadness, but she couldn’t do otherwise and Helena didn’t speak further, “We’ve been betrayed by Price…Helena worked with them…” Price clenched his jaw looking at her and spoke “Nothing of that happened here, Kate…I will take care of this…” Laswell rolled her eyes and responded to Price “Nothing of it has happened…got it” Price gave her a nod and took away Helena.

Luckily that day none of the Task Force died, the criminals were arrested and Garret…well he just said what happened, trying to save himself and draw down Helena.

[mbat]

every day i wonder what happened during the design process of equestria girls for them to all come out the way they did. i can see where the skirts thing came from cause they wanted them to be undeniably girly i guess or whatever but. every other weird decision is just confusing

like fluttershys whole outfit, the shortish skirt but especially the tank top. maybe its meant to indicate that shes outdoors a lot with animals, but it completely betrays her shyness and tendency to try and hide herself

they kinda messed up big mac and shining armor? mostly shining armor. his jaw could slice metal. why he look like that

also i only realized while looking at the characters that. okay i was just going to say 'lol cheerilees hair is stupid its like 1 foot taller than her head, why didnt they just give her normal bangs wtf' and i still mean that but then i realized... they swapped her mane and fur colors for her human counterpart ??? so now her usually darker coat and light hair became dark hair and light skin ??

which leads me to the point about the skin colors being weird. like. i dont like how they lightened them up, i dont like how aj and big mac have human skin colors (i have to assume maybe they thought for them that the colors looked bad, or possibly even close to caricature territory, especially with big mac), and the way they outright lightened up the colors of at least 2 normally darker ponies? like i said, cheerilee, but also

luna. even back when i first saw the movie and adored it, i DID NOT like the princesses designs. how did they fuck up some of the best characters in the show, especially the ones that are the prettiest (imo).

i would say that of the 3, cadence is the most okay design (i know we dont see her in the first movie just roll with me here). its clearly her, she looks like her and has her vibe (visually), all around not bad. not necessarily my favorite, theres still something slightly off? but it doesnt rub me the wrong way

celestia... i dont like her vibe. who is she. shes light pink and she has hair spikeys that are meant to look like a crown but just made it look like she didnt brush her hair properly. she has celestias hair but her face does not read like celestia to me. she looks like an imposter. where is my mother

and finally. the pinnacle of the issues with the designs. luna.

WHO IS SHE. THAT OUTFIT? NOT LUNA. THAT HAIR? YOU WOULDVE BEEN BETTER OFF JUST DOING A GRADIENT. OR PUTTING IN LITTLE STAR HAIR CLIPS. THAT FACE? THATS SOMEONES WINE MOM WHO SINGS EXTRA LOUD AT CHURCH. same critique about the hair spikeys as before. AND THE SKIN??? HELLO??? THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT GOT TURNED INTO PRINCESS OF MIDDAY. WHY.

the design of the show vs the movies is, i guess now literally, night and day. pony luna is so inspired and pretty and meant to invoke such regality, its very clear what her theme is, and she very much sticks out amongst the others, both in shape and details!

but the human version feels generic, she could easily be a background character (and she basically was), she feels unfinished, the colors on their own arent the worst but moreso feel insulting when compared to the original (i like the addition of pink/pinkish purple to the palette, but not so much to luna as a character. it just isnt her imo), she doesnt even look like an authority figure aside from obviously looking older than the other characters, let alone being someone meant to be somewhat equivalent to royalty. also again she was a minor character here but its like... her pony version has such a stone strong personality, both when shes freshly back from the moon and later on when shes more grounded and princess-like. human luna is just... generic teacher person. did human luna even ever experience significant isolation and feeling completely unseen by everyone she cared about? doubt it.

and yeah, they significantly lightened her skin ?? why ?? theres literally no reason to do that? she wouldnt look like a caricature unless you somehow chose the wrong colors (how possibly would you), and its not exactly impossible to draw characters with darker skin, again her pony form literally has a dark coat !! but also plenty of people have redesigned her human form to have the right skin color and they look great!! and in general obviously theres plenty of characters with dark skin, like... what was the reason they did that. it just feels gross.

dont cross me when it comes to luna dude i love her so much

anyway yeah its been over 10 years since EG first aired and i loved it back then and i still love it but i think a lot more about character designs now. mlp g4 is known for having these really pleasant and well put together designs with lovely colors (for the most part), its so weird how that gets easily messed up, like in g5, but also still in g4 itself(in the spinoffs and the main show lol)? wish i had the motivation to redesign them all lol, i probably will someday. please go look at redesigns theyre very lovely

[katyspersonal]

Soulsborne bingo about Lady Maria!😎

Ohhhh yeah, her!!

I have written plenty of headcanons on her so far, and she was one of the first Bloodborne characters I got invested in - and one of the first characters I've drawn! She is amongst my most elaborate Bloodborne portrayals in terms of headcanons, analysis and story! Fun fact - she is also my second most posted character, after Mico! Not to mention her frequient appearance in my dreams, too? Again, it is a little... odd, how I do not express all that much passion about her, despite having a VERY elaborate map of her in my head. Do you know how sometimes you really care about the character, but for some reason you need an extra stimul to actually bring up your thoughts and feelings? I am like this about her. Unassuming externally, but having a lot of things to say internally! I also would like to link some headcanons about her that I've written for another ask meme for her: ( x ).

Her design is really good, I love everything about it! Her face is so beautiful, and is more unique than you might assume! Her hair is not regular blonde but that paler, 'ashy' color, her eyes are not blue but mint green, her eyebrows are WHITE (Pthumerian blood much? :p) and the circles under her eyes (again - Pthumerian blood much??). And her eyelashes are very notably pale, too:

When I draw her, I always get stuck just looking at her. And her hunter outfit is really great variant of the Knight clothes! Her wearing normal fancy Knight outfit, full of red and gemstones would just not feel the same. More modest yet more elegant look is PERFECT.

There is a lot going on about this character, too. I obsess over the fact that she could not bear the heartbreak after Fishing Hamlet and discarded the hunt as a concept, instead opting out for being a caretaker for the patients. And how she parallels Djura who also quit the hunt! But Djura survived for such a long time, comfortable in his purpose, yet Maria gave up and killed herself. I mean, there is a merit in the cut content idea that Simon ended her life in reality, but I think her suicide works better. (And how much you want to bet it was Adeline's death that was the last straw for Maria?..) She is a knight that was willing to help the humanity and protect it, but ended up losing her own, which is a tragedy consistent for Bloodborne it seems.

I also feel like she did have some weakness, meekness even, to her personality in the end, which is why despite having abandoned her clan and distasting blood she was powerless to protect Adeline from falling into their questionable antics. And chose passive role of caretaker for Church's (questionable!!!) business and keep their secret, despite having regretted ever taking part in the massacre. And could not go on, unlike Djura. She is a strong and stoic person, indeed, and a very skilled warrior, but also there is just... something. You know? She will kill a scary monster without problem, but when it comes to putting up a fight of the character, like resisting an intimidating authority - I feel she can't do that. Not even to protect someone dear, like Adeline. That, or Laurence sucks in people's courage like a black hole, wouldn't put it past the bastard either She will act very decisively in life and death situation on the battlefield, but will be an absolute coward about confessing her feelings or something...? Like unrealised trauma that has been a 'crack' in her soul. But she still would rise up despite it to do what she believed was right. It feels like doing sport despite a physical trauma that might betray you any time, but mentally so.

Alright, you see what I mean? Any attempt to discuss Maria's personality makes me dive into one of the corners of her character. And she has several! I think if I was to write a devoted character analysis for her that is not spread across several posts, it would actually take a few days to put together!

We also can only be sure about her dynamics with Adeline and Gehrman, but there is otherwise a lot of potential for her knowing other characters, too! I love what we got, however! A lot to speculate on, both have good fundament for very elaborate story!

________________

In general, I love her character. You are not from the Western fandom but you will find that some fans will simplify her very unpleasantly. On the one hand, some drooling horny dudes that simply see her as a sexy female knight (that needs a makeover as if she is not attractive enough already...? wtf...). On the other hand, toxic adult babies that think her whole character will crumble and lose appeal if she likes not only women but men too, or if she has not only masculine sides to her character, but feminine ones too. I say, whatever character trait you pick on about her, she is always more than that. Exploring her beyond just being a badass, powerful, skilled hunter expands and complicates her character, but some people will call it "reducing" her because for them being strong and being "feminine" (?) are mutually exclusive traits for some reason. I'd also make a point that the fact she not only discarded the hunt, but her becoming a hunter again as a punishment in literal Hell is a BIG evidence against 'her TRUE self is a mean murderous warrior and Gehrman disrespected it' flex. But you already understand by now that in Western fandoms, based fans are in the trenches every day xD

All in all, Maria is probably the most interesting character in Bloodborne that can offer a lot to think about for everyone. There are always many ways to interpret her none of which is "absolute" and none of which "robs" any demographic off anything. This is what happens when a character is written like a person, and not like a 'statement'! ...and I say all this when she barely has any dialogue, and we as lore people are left to grasp at item descriptions, nonverbal narrative, actions of other characters, Dolls look in relation with Gehrman having feelings so warm it made Doll cry tears of joy, Doll wearing Maria's ribbon shoes and pendant, cut content, their spiritual connection, Cainhurst context......

Thank you for the ask!