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vividfae · 5 months ago

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On Annie

(This post is going to assume you have like 500 years worth of extremely specific stupid streamer context, so if you don't, I will have a list of places at the end of this post for you to check for the relevant context.)

A few days ago, Annie Gallagher of Guardian Acorn went on an extremely healthy and not at all bordering on psychotic posting spree in which she spent a couple days weaponizing the financial needs of a vulnerable trans person trying to escape TX as a bludgeon against Milena.

Her reason? Milena signal boosted the GoFundMe of Dusk, one of the former mods of Zena & Poppy's Foundation server, as well as the Ko-Fi of Spawn, Poppy's estranged adult child, who are both in need of financial support. Milena didn't donate to either of them this round of sharing (to my knowledge anyway, anon donations or donating privately are a possibility and would be impossible to know for sure), she simply signal boosted asking others to donate. This is a routine action that people do for GFM's. Except to Annie. See, Annie decided that this was proof of hypocrisy on Milena's part because of the fanfiction that Annie has written in her head about Milena's wealth, and so after donating herself, she instigated a 2 day campaign of using a person seeking financial support as a way to both jerk herself off for her good deed and attack Milena for doing something entirely unremarkable (and well within character as this is not the first time Milena has shared donation links for these two).

Pictured below, a healthy adult using social media:

Now, I'd better slow down before I give the impression that (regardless of what I write after this point, Annie, Zena, Poppy, & their circle will still say) I'm posting this as any kind of defense of Milena. I don't give a shit about Milena's part in this story, it's simply ✨context✨.

See, Annie made a mistake during this screed. Prior to all of this, I happened to see the links Milena shared & I, for full disclosure, decided to donate $200 to each, as I could afford to do so & these were the first GoFundMe's I'd seen on my TL in a while. Prior to this, Dusk & I had not spoken to each other since her split with the Foundation, & I have still not spoken to Spawn since the last time I saw them in person at Zena & Poppy's place two years ago. I have no interest in reaching out to them, nor do I expect either of them to reach out. I won't turn them away, but I simply wanted to help them out because they needed it, I have no desire to force reconcilation that is not wanted.

After making the donation to Dusk, I noticed that the prior donation on the page was from Poppy, and prior to that Annie. Curiosity got the better of me & I saw the posts of hers in looking into it all. Annie saw my donation and posted a screenshot of it. This screenshot contained my real life last name, a name that I do not use in these spaces for privacy reasons. I was not aware that the GoFundMe account I donated with had that as my display name, as I would have preferred to keep it to the name I go by publicly. Her post also contained a dig at my IRL job, saying that I am "working a job I hate."

Now, contrary to popular belief, I'm not a fucking idiot. I know how easy I am to doxx. I use my real first name online like a dumbass. That said, I intentionally don't use my last name on my channel social media for at least one layer of protection/separation.

In seeing all of this I was angry. Partially because of the name doxxing, partially because I am extremely careful to separate my job from my online presence, but mostly because of the cynical weaponizing a trans person's plight in a highschool drama esque bitching match.

I chose to respond (Tumblr is cockblocking me on adding images unfortunately):

Oh my god we're doing the virtue signal posting over donating to gfm's aren't we

Thank god I thought things were going to be normal for a day 🙄

Can we stop weaponizing trans people needing help as a cheap stab at The Bad People™️©️®️

I'm going to drop the vagueposting for one second & get into the shit just this once because I think it's important. All of this is unhealthy.

I'm glad Annie & Poppy gave money, but it really sours the act when you're trying to bludgeon another over the head when we all fucking know neither of you would've donated if you didn't see it bc Milena signal boosted first.

For all my critiques of Milena's actions, sharing someone's GFM without donating to it isn't on that list. Grow up. All of you.

A couple side notes: 1. Please don't post screenshots containing my full name. 2. I give money when I can & when I see GFM/Kofi's posted because it is something I can do, not as a power move or a virtue signal & I would appreciate not having this used in the game you think you're playing.

3. Please do not post about my job. Ever. I do like my job & I'm grateful for the opportunities it has given me despite stresses & occasional frustrations.

Annie decided this was worth going nuclear over.

Now, I know that you know Annie is a pathological liar, but I still feel it is prudent to show it, especially when she is so utterly stupid as to show this screenshot as "evidence."

First off, those who read my post about leaving the Foundation & my breakup with Zena & Poppy will know exactly what that post meant, because I said the exact thing in it:

You see, throughout the final stages of my relationships & associations with Zena, Poppy, & their server, I found myself feeling betrayed, abandoned, discarded, & frankly, mistreated. As one by one the people who only a month ago reached out to me to check in on my mental health & said they would forever care about me began to distance from me or block me, pressured by Poppy & Zena into some false test of loyalty (read: compliance), I felt an immense anger bubble inside of me. Rage began to fuel a desire to force the people I once considered my closest circle to see the pain & despair they had left me in, & more importantly, to ensure they knew exactly how I was made to feel.

I pretty plainly explained what I meant. I may not condone many of their actions, but I finally get it. I get the rage that led to this campaign, the desire to take back control over your life, story, and situation after feeling broken down from the manipulation & abuse. All it took Annie to do in order to not make this mistake was read something, but what a silly thing to expect from someone who makes a living off of writing, right?

Additionally, in that discord server, owned by streamer & professional Guy Who Makes Being the Least Liked Person in Every Room Part of His Personality Goddamnit Malcolm, if you literally scroll to the next fucking week, you will see me doing the exact opposite of what Annie says that I did.

But of course, Annie isn't satisfied with only this lie. Go big or go home right?

Two things, but I want to start with the first. The conversation she is referring to is an argument when the final split happened between me and the Foundation members that I had with Twisty in DMs.

As you can see, I never once used the word disgusted towards her. I expressed anxiety over what I felt was broken trust by someone who I had invited to my home IRL for dinner with my family due to Twisty helping me with a school project. I was highly emotional and in retrospect I wish I'd handled this conversation better but I stand by my sentiment because the lack of good faith being given to me by everyone because of Poppy demanding Twisty cut ties with me was extremely distressing.

Secondly, I want to address the suicidal ideations in the room. For months everyone in the Foundation took great care to cry crocodile tears about how so many on Milena's side of things were making fun of my suicide attempt or accusing me of faking suicide attempts or ideations for attention.

Remember this post from White Nervosa of White Forest? I do.

Now compare to the way Annie, someone who literally posted on her site criticizing this exact post

talks about me now:

Annie literally talks like reddit incels. Lovebombing you until you reject her in some way and then turning to making the most nasty, meanspirited comments that go against everything said before just as a petty way to get back at you.

Now, I don't wish to make this the point of the post, but unless I address it, this will be the only thing brought up in response.

I have never defended Hayleigh. I have always supported Poppy as a person coming forward with a claim of SA, & I continue to do so, because, regardless of your feelings on whether Hayleigh actually assaulted Poppy or whether rape via deception is a valid argument, I don't think those things matter as much because I know from being close to them that the pain and trauma that Poppy experienced is real.

You don't have to believe me, and if I'm being honest, I don't know my thoughts on it because of the messy nature of things, and I choose to stay out of the legal implications of Poppy's claim. But I don't doubt her experience, so I don't believe that what you call it is what matters.

And as for the rape accusations against Milena, my official word on that is that I choose to remain neutral until I've seen all side's cases. Annie lies so often that if she posted the sky was blue I'd still look out my window to verify first, and there are three sides to every fucked up story, so until I am informed, I choose to believe in Schrodinger's allegations. If it turns out they are valid, I will criticize those and demand accountability from Milena, but until I see that evidence and see the counter claims in full, I cannot in good conscience continue the cycle. The more reasonable people had the same reaction to my incident with Aztec, and I neither fault nor blame them for taking that stance, as I cannot prove it happened and have no desire to, especially because I wish to avoid Aztec taking any harassment for it. I wish to be believed, but I will settle for "I believe Saige's pain is real but cannot confirm the story happened, bad if it did tho," which is how I'm treating the Milena ones. Will that be good enough for Annie? Nothing ever is.

Finally, I want to address the implicit doxxing threat:

Threaten to doxx me and threaten my job one more time, Annie, and you will come to regret doing so. I know you made fun of me for telling you that I will explore my legal options (despite Poppy & Zena going $10k in debt hiring a defamation lawyer so bad at his job he couldn't even spell his client's names correctly in the demand letter he took months to send out, but I forgot, Poppy & Zena can do anything & it's justified), but I'm being serious. I am not threatening to doxx you, because doing so is immoral, especially under a Donald Trump presidency.

But I have a family that your actions would be harming, a partner & a best friend (that I know you say you will not go after, but forgive me for not trusting a single word you say), all that I love & care for very deeply that, should you choose to make them collateral, is crossing a line you cannot walk back from. And I have a job that I am very protective of and attached to that I in fact do enjoy, and if you begin to cause issues for me at work, I will respond in kind. That is not a threat. That is me telling you exactly what I will do, in plain English. I said it before, but I am not the person you want to do this with, and I guarantee you Poppy & Zena know that a lot better than you apparently do.

This is my final word on the subject. I don't know all of the shit surrounding Annie that she has been cancelled for in the past, and really I don't care, but I don't need it to know that she is an unhinged liar who is dangerous to any community she is in, especially when she is being used to shield Zena & Poppy from the responsibility of their actions.

Context list for people who don't have it:

My original post

My follow up

Zena & Poppy

Annie Gallagher

Milena

The Poppyandzena tumblr blog

Goddamnit Malcolm

#saige #saige alexis #saigealexis #saigealexis10 #saigealexisonyt #vividfae #vividfaegarden #zenaandpoppyonyt #zenaandpoppyonyoutube #poppy and zena #zena and poppy #zena #trans girl therapist #annie gallagher #guardian acorn

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vividfae · 6 months ago

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This one has been doing rounds. As an update, a lot of these bills did die in committee, which is the case for most bills introduced. IIRC, the trans sports bill is the only one still in the process of being revised & voted on.

That said, bills that die in committee are usually likely to be added as fluff to other bills that are more likely to pass wholesale, so the fight is not over. This is a tactic to decrease visibility & put pressure on moderates to support the bills on the grounds that whatever it's attached to is a compromise.

If you live in Indiana like I do, please call your representative & express your disdain for these bills, especially if you are a cis ally (this is incredibly important as conservative led states will usually write off trans/queer constituents as lost causes, meaning they don't care if you won't support them. Cis white straight men however have a larger shot of being heard).

Also, seek community. Build support networks. It's about to get real difficult to exist here. I know we don't all see eye to eye on the politics, but for fucks sake we have to build communities to survive. South Bend, Indianapolis, Bloomington, Evansville, these are just a few major areas where community can be found. If you live in the surrounding areas to these, look for community if you can. If you live in a smaller area with less access to major resources, see if you can be the first to start. We will not survive alone.

Bills introduced in Indiana since January 1st that target trans people:

HB1041 - Bans trans people from participating in ANY sports, & requires out of state teams to out their trans teammates to the state.

HB1341 - Prevents changing birth certificates for trans people.

HB1342 - Makes it a class B Misdemeanor for a trans person to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity.

HB1428 - Protects institutions if they refuse to provide medical care to queer people on the basis of their beliefs.

HB1456 - Places trans inmates in the prison for their agab.

HB1496 - Bans schools from referring to anything labeled "DEI."

HB1520 - Removes the requirement for Marriage & Family Therapists to be trained on any issue labeled "DEI."

HB1528 - Effectively makes it illegal for banks to deny loans to conservatives.

SB023 - IN Senate equivalent to HB1496.

SB0257 - Forced schools to teach students the "shared identity" of America, & bans any talk regarding race, gender, sexuality, or or marginalization.

SB0308 - Makes it a Class A Misdemeanor to place flyers or leaflets on private property if the property owner feels "threatened," & makes it a Level 6 Felony if the leaflet/flyer refers to race, gender, sexuality, or marginalization.

SB0441 - Reverses any changes made to birth certificates of trans people & immediately reissues them.

SB0479 - Makes it illegal to assist minors in getting gender affirming care if their parents don't consent.

A big & hearty fuck you to all who said I was being dramatic bc I live anywhere other than FL or TX & called me privileged bc of it. My state is about to become as hostile as the rest & no amount of white privilege is going to save me or anyone else from these bills when they pass.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #queer #indiana #trans community #mutual aid

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vividfae · 6 months ago

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Watching radfems circle back around to just justifying patriarchal ideas out of a severe hatred of men would be kinda funny if they didn't just make life worse for literally every group of people.

They really saw people say "a woman is just a baby making factory" and said "yes but with lesbians✨" as if that made them cute & not horrible turncoats

#lgbt #queer #lgbtq community

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vividfae · 6 months ago

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"You people are insufferable" - person who follows accounts all about trans women in order to constantly demean them

It was never going to end at trans kids.

Ppl said it was hyperbole to compare Trump to Hitler or to call this a genocide - but look at what they're doing.

We're being prevented from getting passports, keeping us from leaving the country. They're keeping lists of us who've changed our dox.

Camps are literally a pen stroke away.

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vividfae · 6 months ago

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About My Document...

Hey. It's been a minute. I know that I have said over & over again that I'm not going to keep posting about the situation. I plan to hold true to that. But understand that it has been a very long & difficult road & I've been spending a lot of time reflecting & trying my best to heal. Part of that means seeking closure & regaining my autonomy.

Over a year ago now I wrote & published a document going over my suicide attempt from the preceding year & what I felt the culpability my group of friends had in the circumstances that led to it. Though my relationships with Zena & Poppy had ended, I initially stuck by that document, partially because I value principles & partially because I hadn't really begun to process anything.

Given new information, a lot of reprocessing, & a lot of recontextualizing events, I can no longer in good conscience completely stand by that document or the video that I published going over it.

A Brief History

Before I explain my new stances, I need to summarize what happened.

Italics represent the story as I told it in my doc, which is representative of the way I was made to think about things after the fact. Regular text is just me trying to tell the story of what happened with as little editorializing as possible.

In May 2023 I attempted suicide. There was a wealth of reasons at the time that pushed me to this place but central among them were my fears of abandonment & anxieties in my relationships due to an at the time untreated BPD spiral. I ended up in the hospital for a little under a week. At the time, I was friends with a group of people who had been splitting time between two discord servers, my personal friend server The Catgirl Cafe, & Zena & Poppy's Foundation server. There were a lot of things that contributed to my mental state. My relationships with Zena & Poppy were rocky (Zena had even broken up with me a couple weeks before my attempt), there was an incident several months earlier with one of my former friends that I'd classify as a form of sexual assault that I never really addressed or told anyone about, & both servers were developing really toxic atmosphere in their own ways.

Due to the group of friends that were in the Cafe egging on a lot of negative thinking towards my relationships with Zena & Poppy & not really taking much care to actually provide much in the way of support, my mental state began to collapse as I felt there was no hope because I couldn't see a way to fix things & my friends were pushing me to think more & more negatively about the situation.

When I made my attempt, I made some concerning posts on twitter before shutting my phone down & driving from Michigan where I had been staying to a place in Indiana where I made my attempt. The Cafe group found my family & contacted them, I was found & prevented from succeeding, & went to the hospital later that night.

My friends mishandled my attempt because instead of contacting the people who were closest in proximity to me & had resources to get me help, Poppy & Zena, they spent time searching for my family without any definitive hope of success, leading to a large chance of me not being found. Instead, they only lucked into finding my family & thus being responsible for me being found.

Amendments, Clarifications

Being out of the Foundation & away from Z&P has given me a lot of ability to process everything that I went through. I'm not going to go line by line, but I need to make some amendments.

For starters, I've privated my video. Idk if my original doc is still up, but as soon as I find it I'm going to be removing it as well, as I no longer fully stand by it. It took a lot of time reprocessing & deprogramming, but I have been able to better understand the situation, it's complexities, & most importantly, how I was being manipulated.

One thing I mentioned was how my former group of friends handled the attempt & finding me. This group consisted of people I knew as Paco, Aztec, Ghost, & Rayne (Ghost is the only member of that group I am still on good terms with).

I do not currently & do not remember if I ever did have Rayne or Aztec's messages with Zena & Poppy from this time. I only saw Poppy's DM's with Paco & the group DMs between Ghost, Zena, & Poppy, as well as the posts in the Cafe. So I need to stress that I am working on those DMs/posts, the claims made by Rayne as to her actions, & the claims made by Poppy & Zena as to the other's actions.

I do not know for sure how much of an attempt was made to reach them. I don't know if it matters honestly. I know Paco's message to Poppy from the night before still sticks with me as being woefully inadequate for the severity of the situation. I know that Poppy & Zena ignoring messages from everyone including myself made the situation much worse than it should have been. I know that everyone had information that should have led them to act quicker. But I also know that I made mistakes & refused to take care of myself, make boundaries, or listen to those around me.

Ultimately, based solely on the way Zena & Poppy were acting - their general distancing from & disinterest in me, their consistent lack of responsiveness to messages from anyone (IIRC Rayne, a person they called a close friend, invited to their house, & offered to host as a streamer on their site, had been ignored by both of them for months up to this point), & their defensiveness whenever anyone tried to work out these issues with them - make it perfectly clear that no one had any reason to trust their ability to act quickly or to take the situation seriously.

Especially because they didn't.

They treated me like I was just attention seeking & faking it. They made me feel guilty for putting them through the inconvenience of dealing with me. They neglected our relationships & refused to hear any conversations about it until my mental state was so fucked I felt I had no other way out. And because my friends weren't experienced enough to know that it's not always a good idea to just assert to an abuse victim that they're being abused, lest they sink deeper into the situation as a defense mechanism, the attempts at getting me to realize what was happening only served to worsen the spiraling. I don't say that to blame them for trying, it's just my read of what happened based on my processing.

What I Stand By

This isn't a full retraction. There are things in that document that are true or are accurate representations of my feelings on things.

The SA Allegation

I know most will never believe me, but I didn't make up my story regarding one of the members of the Cafe. That said... I do regret including it. I went back & forth on it for a while. A friend of mine suggested that it could be therapuetic to include it but cautioned me as well. Poppy pushed me to include it in calls we'd had, despite my insistence that it not be used as a way to attack anyone.

I wasn't trying to avoid talking about it (& to be clear I am glad that I'm no longer keeping it bottled up) but I never wanted it to be a thing used against anyone. Had I known that one side was going to weaponize the drama sphere to relentlessly bully me for speaking about it & use frankly concerning rhetoric to try & dismiss me & that the other was going to weaponize it to paint someone who did something really inappropriate due to messy boundaries, lacking/miscommunication, & an admittedly weird social atmosphere as a rapist... I'd have just stayed quiet or at most kept it between me & an IRL friend I trust. While I do believe that it contributed to my overall mental state, it was Poppy & Zena who ultimately placed the suggestion with me that it was one of the top contributing factors & basically responsible for my attempt.

I don't say this to ask for sympathy. I don't need or want people to think about this in any particular way. I don't want anything from anyone other than I want people to leave that person alone. They are not a rapist, or a sexual predator, or anything like that. They did a thing that I would categorically classify as an instance of sexual assault, & I will stand by that definition, but goddamn it I never wanted anyone to go after them for it or go any further than the acknowledgement. I just want people to believe me, nothing more. I don't want anything to be done about it. I just want to stop being treated like I faked it & I want to stop being made fun of for it.

I'm so sorry that I ever allowed it to go unchecked that the rapist branding was ever being applied to them for that. Please leave them alone.

The Weird Social Atmosphere

We really did have a strange social atmosphere where a ton of things were normalized that never should have been. The sexually charged chats & the meangirling that led to cliquey behavior were all fairly common in both servers & I reflect on it as being inappropriate & not something I wish to recreate.

My Treatment

I was treated like utter dogshit during all of this. From before the document's publication all the way until now, I feel that my treatment was unjust for the circumstances I was put in. I did say & do some horrible things. And I will apologize to the people I hurt should they ask me to. But I was used by everyone in this. As a shield by Zena & Poppy & as a punching bag by everyone else.

It isn't right. I didn't deserve any of that. For all the harm that I did, jesus christ I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

TL;DR

I have privated my video & will be removing my document regarding my attempt because, while I stand by the following elements of it:

- The social atmosphere was kind of toxic & weird

- I never made up the event I classify as SA (though I never wanted it to be used as a bludgeon or used to brand the other party as a rapist like Poppy did)

- I was treated like garbage unjustly from the anti Z&P crowd

...the document is built upon notions that were fed to me by Zena & Poppy because I didn't have all of the information & wasn't in a headspace to really question their framing of things, & because the attempts my former social group made to pull me out weren't effective to where I was in the process of it all, I was pushed further towards them out of fear & insecurity. It is for these reasons that I am retracting the document as a unit while clarifying & standing by the true statements or accurate reflections of my feelings it contained.

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