#saigealexis

[vividfae]

Why I'm No Longer With The Foundation

Recently, I posted an announcement on my channel page & Bluesky account that I was no longer going to be associating with Zena & Poppy's Foundation Server, effective immediately.

Initially, I wanted this to be left private. I view the way certain ex-members of the Foundation to have acted as utterly pointless & cruel. Whether it be through their use & weaponization of Kiwifarms, a site known for it's danger against members of the trans community, their targeted harassment of Zena, Poppy, & myself, their use of rape apologist talking points to invalidate & litigate the experiences of two people who suffered from some form of sexual assault, or their use of stigmatizing rhetoric against mental health disorders to make fun of suicidality, I find their methods to be incredibly problematic, harmful, & increasingly reckless.

Ultimately, my goal was to ensure I didn't become the exact people I have spent the last year & a half taking psychic damage from.

And after the last 6 months, I finally understand why they did it.

You see, as I have been writing & rewriting this post, both in text & in my head, I asked myself three questions:

Will this accomplish anything?

What are my motivations?

Will this cause more harm than it prevents?

Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are not answers I like. While my ultimate motivations are to provide people with the ability to make an informed decision about their online spaces, I began to realize the underlying motivation was much more sinister...

You see, throughout the final stages of my relationships & associations with Zena, Poppy, & their server, I found myself feeling betrayed, abandoned, discarded, & frankly, mistreated. As one by one the people who only a month ago reached out to me to check in on my mental health & said they would forever care about me began to distance from me or block me, pressured by Poppy & Zena into some false test of loyalty (read: compliance), I felt an immense anger bubble inside of me. Rage began to fuel a desire to force the people I once considered my closest circle to see the pain & despair they had left me in, & more importantly, to ensure they knew exactly how I was made to feel.

So while I do want to ensure people are making the best decisions they can, this is not some selfless post designed to save anyone. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then this post is the rage fueled machine angrily spitting those good intentions all the way down into the seventh circle. I don't like the person the last two years have turned me into, but I also cannot & will not be bullied into silence for fear of sinking to their level.

As to the answers to the other two questions, I can only once again answer in ways that I do not like. This post will not reach Zena & Poppy's audience, nor will it give them or their closest friends pause to introspect. It will not prevent any measurable harm & I suspect will only be boosted by the exact people I feel have caused the most damage to myself, my (current & former) friends, & my former lovers.

So why? Why do this? Clearly I am an abusive monster dedicated to joining the campaign against Zena & Poppy whose only goal is to hurt them like they hurt me.

Let me be clear about one thing: This is the last time I will ever publicly speak about Zena & Poppy. I have not & will never reach out to any of the aforementioned people who have been turning their grievances into some content farm. I will never be publishing anything more than the following account.

If I find out that you have contributed to these efforts, you will be banned from my community. I will not be allowing any negative talk about Zena, Poppy, or the Foundation on any of my social media platforms or in my Discord server. This is a zero tolerance policy. And I understand that this assurance will never be enough to them. I will forever, by virtue of this post, be grouped in with all of the worst of the worst, indistinguishable in their eyes to the person that plastered their home address, deadnames, and employment information online. I will not fight this characterization, because I refuse to let my image be dictated by them any longer. I know the person I am, & those that actually treat me with good faith will too.

In January 2024, I published a document going in depth into the surrounding reasons why I made a suicide attempt the previous May & the fallout of that attempt on my social circle. In March 2024 I published a video on YouTube going over that document in depth, relitigating the story & adding context that was absent. I stand by both.

My suicide attempt was entirely mishandled by my social circle at the time & had a higher than average possibility of making crucial mistakes that could have led to a much worse, more final outcome. I'm not going to go over the details again, you can watch that video if you so please, but this is not a retraction of my reflection on those events.

This is a reflection on events preceding & following that video's existence. But I haven't yet really explained the main premise I began with, why I split with the Foundation.

In April 2024, I finally got bottom surgery, something I'd desired for so long. I had an amazing experience with the hospital & surgical staff I went to, who were also the same staff that performed Poppy's gender affirming surgeries. In fact, if it weren't for Poppy & Zena recommending them to me, I might still be waiting for surgery, as Indiana is woefully lacking in access to gender affirming surgery & wait times are high. I stayed with Zena & Poppy the night before the surgery. They assisted me with surgical prep, Zena took me to the hospital & waited with my family as they wheeled me back, & the two visited me in recovery several times, spending time with me to ensure I wasn't alone & giving my family space to rest.

When I was discharged, they visited me on my birthday at the place I was staying a week later, & when I was finally able to handle the drive I visited them. It was honestly really special. While I missed them & it was hard being so close but not being able to see them more frequently, I knew that they were there & they messaged me every day to make sure I knew they were thinking of me. Eventually I went home for a few weeks as I healed, & the distance was hard but they were still there.

In June I stayed at their place as I went in for facial feminization surgery through the same hospital. My mom & sister got me there and the night I stayed in the hospital, Poppy stayed overnight to make sure I didn't wake up alone, as she had after her same surgery. She'd had a really bad reaction to the anesthesia & waking up alone sent her into a crisis, something she was extremely afraid would happen to me. It was a really sweet gesture, & hearing her voice as I woke from the drug induced sleep made me feel safe & cared for. She kissed me as soon as I was conscious & even though she left not long after as she still had clients to see, I felt so secure & like I knew the time alone would be okay. I would be okay.

Around this time I met Audrey, my current girlfriend. Audrey had shared a really thoughtful post detailing why she was supportive of Zena, Poppy, & I. It was concise & heartfelt, & I really appreciated the sentiment. I reached out to her in DMs to thank her for the support, & eventually we began just talking. In the middle of June I returned home. Zena & Poppy both began reaching out less, but they were dealing with the process of moving, which takes a lot of time. I got back to work, began returning to normal day to day life, & by the end of July Audrey & I were speaking daily, & Zena & Poppy & I were having much less communication, but again, all during a move, chronic illness flare-ups, & Poppy's workload increasing.

In September I visited Zena & Poppy, taking a week of vacation from work, with the plan to do something for Zena's birthday as I had not been able to see them IRL in August as I had been able to spend time with them & Poppy on Poppy's birthday in June. Unfortunately, that week the weather made it difficult for us to do much of anything. It was too cloudy, rainy, & cold to really do anything of interest outside, & the weather left all of us suffering from migraines every day. That week, at least 2 of the 3 of us were completely non functioning due to a migraine at some point throughout the week. For myself, it was nearly 5 of the 7 days.

A few weeks would go by & I'd visit again for another follow up appointment with my surgeons. Poppy was much more distant this time around, & we tried to make the most of the time together but she had little time outside of working. The day that I left their place would be the last time I would hear from Poppy in an individual one on one capacity until her final text message to me a few weeks ago.

By mid November, the distance between us, physical & emotional, was readily apparent.

I reached out when I could, tried to initiate contact, but it was not uncommon to go days at a time without so much as a response from them. A rift formed, half based around my own BPD fueled insecurity & half based around the genuine feeling that something wasn't working. I asked for a conversation with them, to try & work through things, but conflicts & lack of time prevented us. Between all of our chronic health issues, my full time job, & Poppy's full time job, no one was capable of making time for us.

The week of Thanksgiving, the conversation finally happened, initiated by Zena. It was incredibly messy & none of us were open to listening to each other. We were so focused on justifying our own behavior or lack of emotional availability that we had no space to hear anything the other was saying. Moreover, our justifications were self defeating & rigid, with no flexibility to even try with each other. Poppy, & one of her alters, lashed out at me. I lashed out at her. Zena tried to calm us both down but ultimately became frustrated with the situation entirely.

Eventually it hit me that nothing was working.

"This isn't going to work," I said. "Nothing is working, I don't know what to do to fix this." Zena asked what I meant by this. "None of this is fucking working." My voice was louder this time, not quite yelling but definitely above normal volume. There was a mixture of grief & desperation there.

"I need a break." Zena then asked for clarification on what I meant. I said, "I need a break. From this, from all of it. From the relationship, from this conversation, from everything. I can't do this anymore, it isn't working." Everything went quiet.

"A break is fine," Poppy says after a few seconds of silence.

Immediately the tone shifts in a way that is still difficult to describe. Not exactly in a positive way, or a negative way, but certainly not in a neutral way either. Zena agrees that a break is best, & reaffirms that they still want me to be around them. That the relationship status changing doesn't negate their care for me. They expressed a desire for me to still visit them in a couple of weeks when my next follow-up appointment was scheduled, though I said that I didn't know if I'd feel comfortable because I might still be hurting.

The conversation winds down, we exit the call, & I spend the rest of the night in tears.

About a week or so later, after remaining numb for a couple days, grieving for a few more, and a very tough therapy session, I decided to speak with Audrey about the elephant in the room.

We had a very long conversation that night. About how we felt about each other. About the breakup. About our worries with the possibility of a relationship. Her concerns for my mental well-being. My concerns that I was using her to simply rebound. So many topics were touched upon that night. Ultimately our relationship came upon as a mutual agreement. We would try, in spite of my fears of the distance & of me recreating the patterns a codependent relationship she'd recently gotten out of, we would try. The conversation then turned more specific. We discussed our needs, asked for certain things from the other, & established some pretty clear boundaries & definitions on what poly meant for us. She was up front about a person with whom she was flirting with & was unclear about the possibility of a relationship with. It was... A breath of fresh air to be honest.

Given all of this, what I want to say is that the reason things ended is because of our lack of emotional availability to each other & our incompatibility with each other's needs. But that wouldn't be fully true. It's part of the reason, it was the main catalyst. But it isn't the reason.

In May of 2023 I attempted to take my own life. As I mentioned previously, I went over why in a previous post & YouTube video. The details of that are less important than the timing (with one exception, we'll get to it).

About a month prior to this, Poppy & Zena began dating this woman, Hela. Hela had been a viewer of their channel for a long time, claiming to have been subscribed since before 100 subscribers. She was a patron on their Patreon, & came into the inner circle from having been an active commenter & financial supporter of their streams. Hela had been in the inner circle for months up to this point, & had been incredibly flirtatious with Poppy & Zena from the get go. This is not unusual, as people can have flirtatious personalities without necessarily being interested in a relationship. However, when Poppy & Zena began dating Hela, this was something that I was unaware of. I was not made aware of the breadth of their interest in her, I was not made aware of their intentions to fly her out to their place, & I did not find out that the three dating was something that was on the table until after the fact, & I didn't even directly hear it from them, but due to an off handed comment made in a voice call by one of them.

This obviously sent me spiraling & I got angry, feeling as though I hadn't been communicated with well enough. Which I hadn't. This spun into an argument that in retrospect never really got resolved, only buried, as two weeks later Zena would break up with me, & about two weeks after that I would attempt suicide & go into the hospital.

During these events, Poppy had been flirting with Milena, a woman who joined the server in early 2023 as a viewer & patron, who later volunteered to do video editing for them. To my knowledge, the flirting had been going on for a couple of months by the time the events with Hela occurred. I was also unaware of this until after Poppy began dating Milena, something that was also communicated with me indirectly, right around the week of my attempt.

While I was in the hospital, Hela was flown to their place. When Zena & Poppy called me, I could hear her in the background, & I think she may have sent me well wishes directly once. I suppressed the intense boiling jealousy & reactions I was feeling. There was something inherently weird about calling your psych ward inpatient girlfriend while your other partner whose relationship had previously created conflict with was just... there. Like, reasonably, I know that there's no other way this could have played out. The tickets were bought a month prior. It isn't like they could just pretend she wasn't there. But the intrusive thoughts kept swirling around. I'm fairly certain the intense reactions I had after getting off the phone led to me being kept an extra day out of caution. My mood swings, reclusiveness, & dissociative state led the staff there to keep a watch on me much more closely after every call with them.

I never told anyone this because I was embarrassed. I'm poly. This is normal, right? I'm being unreasonable. I need to let it go.

A bit after I got out of the hospital, Poppy's relationship with Milena exploded. She began dating a woman who went by Windlebee online not long after this. I found this out through Twitter. I stayed silent this time. It wasn't worth it. Last time I reacted to the lack of communication, it ended up with me being broken up with & fighting heavily over it, & I was still traumatized from the attempt & everything around it, so I swallowed up all of it & ignored it. This is just how poly is.

Not long after, I visited to help Zena & Poppy while Poppy was in the hospital for bottom surgery. I helped with house chores, feeding & walking the dog, being there to help when Zena was non functional due to chronic illnesses, & visiting Poppy while she recovered. It was around this time that Milena published her first twitter thread, & Hela broke up with the two of them.

About a month or so later, I was asked on a date by a guy I had been chatting with. We had been talking off and on for a while, he was attractive & acted pretty sweet, & I wasn't sure how I felt about him so I figured a date wouldn't hurt. If I didn't really feel anything, I could simply just tell him this, hopefully no hard feelings, right?

I'd mentioned him to Poppy & Zena a few weeks before when I was visiting them. Told them that he was talking to me & we had been flirting but that I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the situation. They seemed ambivalent at the time, so I didn't think anything of it.

Admittedly, I did not communicate the existence of the date to them. They found out through a mutual friend because of an off handed comment. This was my mistake, & so when an argument came of this event, I was willing to apologize for the lack in communication. What surprised me though, is that this was not the main concerns that were had.

You see, the guy had been a viewer of mine for a while, & had supported my Patreon for a few months. It was happenstance that we began interacting as he wasn't hugely vocal in my stream chat, but we got to know each other afterwards anyway.

This was problem number one.

Dating viewers was an abuse of power and exposed me & by proxy them to potentially highly parasocial behavior, they explained. And since he'd been in the server, it was a conflict of interest, they continued. How could I be so reckless & stupid?

What's more, dating a cis man? "I can't believe you would do this, let alone for a cis man," Poppy said to me, tears welling as she said it. I had never seen her so angry, & her voice rose the more she spoke. This was problem number two.

Problem number three was that he was a patron of mine. It was a huge indication of parasociality & I should have known better.

Now, as it turned out, the guy did display a lot of weird parasocial traits that I had overlooked. There were also some other things about him that I couldn't reconcile with that I won't put here, but this conflict, however hurt I initially felt from Poppy's words, did prevent me from making a mistake. I should be grateful.

It would be a few weeks later that I would visit Poppy & Zena again for a week. I hadn't even been at their place for long when I was informed that Poppy was going to be going on a date with some woman named Hayleigh. This had apparently already been scheduled & she had been talking with her for a while, & this was the first I was hearing of it. I was livid, but what was I to do? I'm sitting in her bed on the first night of a trip to visit her & Zena so we could spend time with each other as partners, & I'm told 'oh btw I got a date tonight with this girl I've been talking to for a while, be back in a few hours.' I could have started an argument, & I very nearly did. But I suppressed it. I'm fucking poly, this is how it works, remember?

Not long after, Poppy informed me of a person she'd met online that lived near them, Allison. They were friends & Poppy was helping get her in to the same surgeon who did our surgeries. As far as was communicated, the most was that i needed to know she existed because there was some attraction she felt but there wasn't any active plans to pursue that.

A couple weeks later, I was visiting the two again & while we were getting ready to go to an appointment I had, I overheard from the other room a comment by Poppy that the two of them needed to "clean up the toys from where we played with Allison the other night."

What?

I was furious. Not only had the breadth of interest not been informed but I had no idea that Zena was interested in this person at all, only that Poppy had expressed some attraction. Intimacy was never ever put on the table, what the fuck do you mean you played with Allison? I blew up at them in a way I hadn't expressed anger in years. I'm not proud of it at all, but I was going on pure reactive energy at that point, there was no active reasoning left.

I left their place to go to my appointment alone. They left to visit someone while I was out, & were still gone when I got back. I laid on their bed, shaking in anger & fear of being replaced. When they got back, they scolded me for reacting the way that I did & reaffirmed that this is just how poly works & I needed to stop letting jealousy guide my reactions. Maybe they were right. I mean, if you're attracted to someone & going to be in a relationship with them, intimacy is part of relationships. How could I be so stupid?

Fast forward to April of 2024. By this point Hayleigh, Allison, & Windlebee have all come & gone. I was about two weeks out from bottom surgery. I was in a voice chat with a few friends & Zena, & Poppy suddenly appears.

"Who has two thumbs & just got her pussy ate? This gal," she says within seconds of joining. I feel a circuit short in my head. She did not just say that. We'd already talked about not sharing intimate details of her sex life around me, as it caused intrusive thoughts to pop up. She knew better as this is literally a boundary of hers as well. I DM'd her reminding her of this & noting that I don't appreciate her sharing this stuff, as even if I am dating Zena as well, their sex life is theirs when it doesn't involve me, & it still hits the same triggers. I note that if this was just a joke however, I'd let it slide since a joke is a joke even if I was still uncomfortable.

This is where I learn that it wasn't a joke, & it wasn't about Zena.

I will not identify the name of this person as they were never online, we will just call them Katie.

I learn in this interaction that Poppy had been on a date with Katie, a person that I was just now learning even existed, & that the two of them had in fact had sex on this date. Poppy had been on one date with Katie previously & specifically chose not to tell me because she didn't know how she felt about them & wasn't sure if she needed to tell me given that. She did, however, know how she felt after the first date & told me that she knew going into the second that it was always planned to be a sexual one. She was afraid to tell me because she was afraid I would be hurt.

So instead of communicating with me, you cheated on me instead? All because you were afraid that I, a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, a disorder characterized by intense emotional reactions & attachment issues, might have an intense reaction to the knowledge of another partner? Of course I would have had an intense reaction. I'd get over it after like an hour, as I did with every other fucking partner.

She apologized profusely to me. She never made excuses. She promised she would be much more open about communicating in the future, especially if sex was ever on the table. I forgave her. I never forgot, but I chose to forgive her, as I was sympathetic to the position she was in as someone who also suffers from Borderline, & because she did apologize & I knew from previous moments that she was capable & willing to change behavior when it was brought up to her.

Katie would break up with Poppy not long after this, for really stupid reasons, but nonetheless it is worth noting.

At the beginning of August last year, Audrey asked me on a date. I accepted, as I didn't know fully how I felt about her, & a date wouldn't hurt. If I figured out more from it, then I would reassess & talk to Zena & Poppy before making any commitments.

The date went really well. They are incredibly sweet & funny & in getting to know them better, I found out we had a lot in common. I still didn't fully know how I felt about her, but I knew there were feelings there that were far more than just friendship.

Now, I should have communicated the date to them from the start. At this point, all of us were making the same stupid mistakes over & over again & refusing to draw lines.

Poppy & Zena found out about the date from an off handed comment by a mutual friend, & this caused a blowout fight. I regret not communicating, & I apologized for it. But that didn't matter.

I ruined Zena's birthday because of this. We were going to be doing a watch party of a movie that Zena wanted to watch as a late birthday event, & it was as I was waiting on them to show up to do so that this fight began.

How could I be so stupid? Dating a person who was on the server was a conflict of interest. Audrey was a viewer of both of our content, so she was clearly acting parasocial. Not to mention that since she was in the inner circle, it changed the dynamic & removed the ability for me to control the environment by which partners might meet, which very clearly made the relationship problematic.

Of course, there was no relationship. I even told Audrey a couple of weeks later that I couldn't date her because of the distance between us & I still didn't fully understand all of my feelings. I could tell that she was hurt by this, but she took it with such grace & continued to be my friend even afterward.

In the aftermath of this argument with Zena & Poppy, I spiraled hard. I was convinced things were over. I was suicidal, & upon learning this, Audrey reached out to Zena & Poppy to give them the information so they could ensure I was safe.

Zena snapped at them for doing this. Telling Audrey that they were not my keeper & not responsible for my mental state & could not be expected to be the only thing preventing me from hurting myself. On top of also accusing Audrey of only pretending to care about me in this way because she wanted to date me.

Pepper directly told Audrey that the reason why Poppy lashed out so hard was because she had a crush on Audrey & had been trying to pursue her, & Audrey falling for me instead of her made Poppy feel rejected & hurt.

Luckily, my friend Ghost was able to reach out to my parents to ensure I was safe, but the entire interaction left a bad taste in Audrey's mouth. She, however, did not tell me these things right away, as she did not want to potentially make the crisis worse nor did she want to be seen as trying to meddle in my relationships. Instead, she just sat back & supported me, being there as a friend to all of us, & letting things start to repair.

At the September visit, I directly told Poppy & Zena that I had no active plans to pursue Audrey romantically, as I was concerned about distance & wasn't sure of the strength of my own feelings, but I did note that I did have feelings for her. I would relay this to Audrey after arriving home from that trip.

For a while after, Audrey began to distance from me. As she did, I began to distance from her as well, as I felt abandoned & guilty for treating her like shit throughout this entire situation.

There was another crisis that ended up reconnecting us, & it was through that when I began to realize how strong my feelings were becoming.

As I was deliberating on informing Zena & Poppy, Poppy informed me of her intentions to fly out her friend in January 2025, where they were going to do a test run on a relationship. This didn't set right with me, as I had only learned of this person's existence recently, & then was told that the trip had already been planned before I knew of them, & I admittedly reacted pretty harshly to this information. During this conversation, I did inform them of my feelings for Audrey, stating that I didn't know what I wanted to do about them, which was accurate to how I felt.

I shouldn't have informed them during an argument, that was a mistake on my part. My anger, however I still feel was warranted. At this point, it is about a week & a half before the breakup.

A newly formed alter of mine left the foundation after this argument happened, & when I woke up & saw that this occurred, it was my choice to remain out of the server until our system had calmed her down so she wouldn't interfere again.

Around Christmas, I am told that Zena & Poppy have found out about the relationship between Audrey & I, & this is the final straw. They blow up at Audrey, accusing her of pretending to care about me "to get [her] dick wet" as well as accusing her of being sent to the Foundation by me to seek information to send to Milena, which is just fucking insane. Both of us are blocked on all platforms, & I receive a message from Poppy calling me abusive, accusing me of cheating on her, & accusing me of planning to doxx her.

A week later, Zena & Poppy forced Ghost to make a choice between being in my channel discord server or being a mod in the Foundation. When Ghost decided the logical solution to this was to just stop being a mod to ease the conflict, the two forced a loyalty test onto them & forced them to choose between my server or their friendship. This caused conflict between Ghost, Audrey, & I, as Audrey & I felt that Ghost was capitulating to exercises of control because Zena & Poppy wanted to punish me.

Ghost & I patched this up quickly enough, & they chose to rejoin my server, telling Zena & Poppy that they are staying out of the conflict & will no longer be doing anything that takes sides in it.

In response, Zena & Poppy banned them from the server, & then commanded the same loyalty test to anyone who was close to me save for one, & so far all have passed with flying colors.

This is why I'm no longer with the Foundation.

Because I dared to express autonomy, demand equity, & be treated with dignity.

Because I spent the last year & a half defending their behavior, only to have the exact behavior weaponized against me as evidence of being an abuser, all for refusing to continue to just take it.

Because I stayed silent during all of the times that they screamed at each other so loudly you could hear them from the bottom floor of the building.

Or the times that they got physical & raised hands at or shoved each other.

Or the times I was used in arguments between them, & then treated as if I'd picked a side when I hadn't.

Or the myriad of times in which Poppy weaponized the language of her profession as a way to control any argument & invalidate everyone around her.

Or the times when Zena would scream at Poppy & I for not reading their mind & then accuse us of gaslighting them for pointing that out.

I stayed quiet. And I shouldn't have.

With this, I have said my peace.

[poppyandzena]

Poppy's psychological abuse of Noehflake after Noehflake officially broke things off at the December Trip.

[gayfesh]

Since we’re airing our grievances today, I’ll add mine to the pile. It was embarrassing when you argued what happened to Saige wasn’t sexual assault or abuse. We spent weeks dunking on Poppy stans when they argued what happened to Dom wasn’t technically sexual harassment. You made us all look like hypocrites. I don’t care if it’s technically in the definition or not, flashing your breasts/penis isn’t okay.

I handled that whole thing poorly. I was intending to focus on the escalation of language and changing terminology to point out Saige was pulling from the same playbook as Poppy: people weren't reacting strongly enough to her expose for her liking, so she escalated. Just as Poppy insisted at first that what Noeh did wasn't rape but now just openly calls her a rapist, Saige was first calling it sexual harassment and abuse, even saying that she HADN'T called it sexual assault, and then changing her language to elicit a stronger reaction.

I let Saige bait me into arguing over definitions, I got lost in the weeds, and that was clearly a mistake on my end. I should have just kept focusing on how Saige has been willing to misrepresent and outright lie about everything else in order to curry favor with Poppy and thus for that reason her accusations of sexual assault should be treated exactly the same way we should treat all her her other allegations: point out that she is a demonstrable liar.

[transpersian]

https://www.tumblr.com/transpersian/733030362413973504/saige?source=share

is this post about saige still valid?

Yes. There’s been a lot more pain since then, but the core sentiments still stand.

I want her to get better and find peace and an actual loving and fair relationship.

I’d like to talk to her from a less combative place and my inbox remains open to her, but even if she never wants to, I want her to get and have better. I want her to thrive. She deserves it.

[vividfae]

Just want to address a couple of things.

I see all of the requests to talk, & I won't be doing so. I can't control who shares my words or what they say, & at this point in it all, I'm going to accept that what happens will happen. I don't care who reposts, I don't care who comments. But I have no desire to be part of the club.

I understand that I am now Public Enemy Number 1 in the Foundation, & that makes me really valuable for the people who are going against them, but it just isn't who I am. I'm not on a crusade against Zena & Poppy. I know they & their closest supporters will not believe this, but I do still love them, after everything, I still love them so incredibly deeply. I saw & still see the humanity in them & I know that they aren't evil people. They've hurt & been hurt, for much longer than any of this has been going on, & I of all people understand the complexity that turns a person into. So I won't be reaching out or contributing to this any further. I want to rest & heal.

As for the lack of a few additions that I know will be noticed...

I very deliberately did not share screenshots of our DMs. For two reasons. When things began blowing up over Christmas, I got extremely paranoid that this would become a much bigger thing than I wanted, & I deleted all of my DMs between us in the midst of an emotional breakdown. I know they did the same in retaliation.

I do have a few screenshots of certain conversations, but I will not be sharing them, because I have no desire to keep this going, & because about 90% of what I talked about happened over voice calls or in person anyway & so I'm well aware that I have no proof of my perspective & am simply asking people to trust that I'm not making shit up just to hurt them.

I did not make any specific apologies to others in my post, & that was intentional as well.

While I do in retrospect feel guilt for some of my actions & words towards some of the people around this, this was never about making amends.

I was treated like absolute garbage by a lot of the people involved. My suicide attempt mocked, my experience with SA litigated & even defended just because they questioned the legitimacy of Poppy's claim, I was treated like shit from all sides.

I made note early on the way that because I chose to support my partners & be critical of the actions against them, I was immediately dropped like a stone by everyone & had a massive amount of hostility directed at me where I became a punching bag simply for being easy enough target, for the crime of supporting people I loved.

And now the same behavior is occurring from those very people I supported, because I dared not comply.

I don't want any of it. My real support network has challenged me without turning me into a strawman, & supported me without lovebombing me. That is what I need. And it's what I demand for myself, because it's what I deserve.

[vividfae]

Streamers making lowbrow lolcow content off of me that amounts to saying that I brought on the abuse myself or deserved it for being unable to see it before getting out & processing is why I am unable to trust the intentions of anyone around it all.

No one has to forgive me for the things I said or did. I don't need to repair relationships. But I will not be told that I was at fault for being abused for 2 years. Fuck that.

[vividfae]

Amazing how pretty I look with the light in my eyes again

[ruadhan1334]

JFC...

OK, I have a hypothesis that my convos with Milena suggests I'm not the only one who has noticed this:

Since Saige's infamous Attempt, in May of 2023, or at least since getting back on-line after her apparent time in hospital, she's been gradually morphing into Poppy's Mini-Me. A Mini-Pee, if you will (because about a third of the time, my phone's auto-correct decides that my fat finger is writing "Poopy" —and not only do I often just not care enough to fix that, in spite of the fact that I'm slightly older than Poopy, sometimes I find toilet humour funny, and we have to make them match!)

Whether this change in Saige's demeanor is something that Poppy encouraged, or it's just Saige's thinly-veiled attempt to get Poopy's attention and sufficient approval in a desperate hope to be elevated to "P's 2nd FP," is anyone's guess, but over the last month and change, I've been shifting my bets to the latter possibility —though elements of Poppy encouraging this are also quite apparent to anyone giving those three the slightest attention.

When I first heard about that incident, not too long after it was alleged to have happened, it sounded like it was obvious sexual harassment from the creepiest variety of sex-pest. It still sounds like that, harassment —regardless of how the Turbulent Triad want to spin it, lately. The current spin also certainly does not disprove the noted shift from Saige Alexis, a soft-spoken and sweet young lady with her own personality and her own struggles, into Mini-Pee, a smudged mimeograph copy of Poppy with a soft Hoosier accent.

It's so fucking weird, and not at all healthy for any of the involved parties.

I was one of the anons banging on the anti-Aztec drum, but now that Poppy is acting like a fool again. I want to clarify myself.

IF that situation occcured exactly how Saige described, then it would about my be sexual harassment. Emphasis on harassment. Not sexual assult and NOT RAPE. At worst, it would make Aztec a sex pest, NOT A RAPIST.

It’s honestly disgusting how Poppy has implied that Saige is a VICTIM OF RAPE, due to this interaction. It’s disgusting how Saige has escalated her language, because her initial account wasn’t getting her the attention she wanted.

Finally, even if everything Saige said about Aztec is true, it does not verify Poppy’s accusation against Noeh. P&Z and Saige have this weird as fuck idea that their accusations are a “package deal”, even though they involve differnt people at differnt locations at completly differnt dates.

^

[transpersian]

You’re still lumping us all together, but I get it. Understand that if we ever talk, my main goal will not be to get anything out of you, only to share what I know.

I know I jabbed at you a few times, but as far as I remember, I never crossed those lines with you, deliberately.

This all got way, way too far out of control. Poppy may have given directives and lied about them publicly, but I didn’t. It’s not how we worked. And most of the time I got hate, it was for seeing the humanity in you all when others wouldn’t. I still am now, with you. I still see it in Poppy. I even see it in Zena, believe it or not.

But you don’t know the extent of the harm they’ve caused. I can’t share it publicly, but I have proof.

I know you want space and please, have it. I’m honestly scared of what they might try on you, but that’s your call to take on. I’m optimistic about your support system now that it’s separated from PZ.

Just know that if you ever want to know more about what you only know through what they’ve told you, I have invaluable receipts and I’ll even present them without commentary. My questions don’t even need to be asked.

I don’t need any info from you. I don’t want to weaponize anything we discuss in there.

I’m not what they’ve said I am and there’s so much more to my motivations.

Genuinely, I just want to talk and show you what I have. Explain what I can. You deserve the truth.

After all of this fucking hell, you deserve the truth.

But all I can do is offer it. Just know that it’s here if you ever want it.

In the meantime, truly: I’m rooting for you.

Take care, and good luck.

Just want to address a couple of things.

I see all of the requests to talk, & I won't be doing so. I can't control who shares my words or what they say, & at this point in it all, I'm going to accept that what happens will happen. I don't care who reposts, I don't care who comments. But I have no desire to be part of the club.

I understand that I am now Public Enemy Number 1 in the Foundation, & that makes me really valuable for the people who are going against them, but it just isn't who I am. I'm not on a crusade against Zena & Poppy. I know they & their closest supporters will not believe this, but I do still love them, after everything, I still love them so incredibly deeply. I saw & still see the humanity in them & I know that they aren't evil people. They've hurt & been hurt, for much longer than any of this has been going on, & I of all people understand the complexity that turns a person into. So I won't be reaching out or contributing to this any further. I want to rest & heal.

As for the lack of a few additions that I know will be noticed...

I very deliberately did not share screenshots of our DMs. For two reasons. When things began blowing up over Christmas, I got extremely paranoid that this would become a much bigger thing than I wanted, & I deleted all of my DMs between us in the midst of an emotional breakdown. I know they did the same in retaliation.

I do have a few screenshots of certain conversations, but I will not be sharing them, because I have no desire to keep this going, & because about 90% of what I talked about happened over voice calls or in person anyway & so I'm well aware that I have no proof of my perspective & am simply asking people to trust that I'm not making shit up just to hurt them.

I did not make any specific apologies to others in my post, & that was intentional as well.

While I do in retrospect feel guilt for some of my actions & words towards some of the people around this, this was never about making amends.

I was treated like absolute garbage by a lot of the people involved. My suicide attempt mocked, my experience with SA litigated & even defended just because they questioned the legitimacy of Poppy's claim, I was treated like shit from all sides.

I made note early on the way that because I chose to support my partners & be critical of the actions against them, I was immediately dropped like a stone by everyone & had a massive amount of hostility directed at me where I became a punching bag simply for being easy enough target, for the crime of supporting people I loved.

And now the same behavior is occurring from those very people I supported, because I dared not comply.

I don't want any of it. My real support network has challenged me without turning me into a strawman, & supported me without lovebombing me. That is what I need. And it's what I demand for myself, because it's what I deserve.

[gayfesh]

I must also stress that Saige took this long to speak about the events leading up to May not just publicly, but also privately, because Z&P spent that long pressuring her into signing off on their narrative. A few weeks before she spoke out publicly, I called out Poppy in private for referring to the former friend group as "the suicide squad" because she had never corroborated any of the allegations she had made about them to me, and told her that she was never to use that phrase in my presence again.

Either that night or the next day, I joined VC on Z&P's server to find them pressuring Saige into telling me that their narrative was the correct one, despite having zero receipts to back up any of it, and just demanding I take her (read: their) word at it. And then she posted the public thread a few weeks later.

Reminder: the allegations against Aztec weren't in that public thread from November, they were from the later one in January. She never mentioned anything of the sort to me in person, even as she was pressured into telling me Z&P's narrative.

Since we’re airing our grievances today, I’ll add mine to the pile. It was embarrassing when you argued what happened to Saige wasn’t sexual assault or abuse. We spent weeks dunking on Poppy stans when they argued what happened to Dom wasn’t technically sexual harassment. You made us all look like hypocrites. I don’t care if it’s technically in the definition or not, flashing your breasts/penis isn’t okay.

I handled that whole thing poorly. I was intending to focus on the escalation of language and changing terminology to point out Saige was pulling from the same playbook as Poppy: people weren't reacting strongly enough to her expose for her liking, so she escalated. Just as Poppy insisted at first that what Noeh did wasn't rape but now just openly calls her a rapist, Saige was first calling it sexual harassment and abuse, even saying that she HADN'T called it sexual assault, and then changing her language to elicit a stronger reaction.

I let Saige bait me into arguing over definitions, I got lost in the weeds, and that was clearly a mistake on my end. I should have just kept focusing on how Saige has been willing to misrepresent and outright lie about everything else in order to curry favor with Poppy and thus for that reason her accusations of sexual assault should be treated exactly the same way we should treat all her her other allegations: point out that she is a demonstrable liar.