#saigealexis10

[vividfae]

Why I'm No Longer With The Foundation

Recently, I posted an announcement on my channel page & Bluesky account that I was no longer going to be associating with Zena & Poppy's Foundation Server, effective immediately.

Initially, I wanted this to be left private. I view the way certain ex-members of the Foundation to have acted as utterly pointless & cruel. Whether it be through their use & weaponization of Kiwifarms, a site known for it's danger against members of the trans community, their targeted harassment of Zena, Poppy, & myself, their use of rape apologist talking points to invalidate & litigate the experiences of two people who suffered from some form of sexual assault, or their use of stigmatizing rhetoric against mental health disorders to make fun of suicidality, I find their methods to be incredibly problematic, harmful, & increasingly reckless.

Ultimately, my goal was to ensure I didn't become the exact people I have spent the last year & a half taking psychic damage from.

And after the last 6 months, I finally understand why they did it.

You see, as I have been writing & rewriting this post, both in text & in my head, I asked myself three questions:

Will this accomplish anything?

What are my motivations?

Will this cause more harm than it prevents?

Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are not answers I like. While my ultimate motivations are to provide people with the ability to make an informed decision about their online spaces, I began to realize the underlying motivation was much more sinister...

You see, throughout the final stages of my relationships & associations with Zena, Poppy, & their server, I found myself feeling betrayed, abandoned, discarded, & frankly, mistreated. As one by one the people who only a month ago reached out to me to check in on my mental health & said they would forever care about me began to distance from me or block me, pressured by Poppy & Zena into some false test of loyalty (read: compliance), I felt an immense anger bubble inside of me. Rage began to fuel a desire to force the people I once considered my closest circle to see the pain & despair they had left me in, & more importantly, to ensure they knew exactly how I was made to feel.

So while I do want to ensure people are making the best decisions they can, this is not some selfless post designed to save anyone. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then this post is the rage fueled machine angrily spitting those good intentions all the way down into the seventh circle. I don't like the person the last two years have turned me into, but I also cannot & will not be bullied into silence for fear of sinking to their level.

As to the answers to the other two questions, I can only once again answer in ways that I do not like. This post will not reach Zena & Poppy's audience, nor will it give them or their closest friends pause to introspect. It will not prevent any measurable harm & I suspect will only be boosted by the exact people I feel have caused the most damage to myself, my (current & former) friends, & my former lovers.

So why? Why do this? Clearly I am an abusive monster dedicated to joining the campaign against Zena & Poppy whose only goal is to hurt them like they hurt me.

Let me be clear about one thing: This is the last time I will ever publicly speak about Zena & Poppy. I have not & will never reach out to any of the aforementioned people who have been turning their grievances into some content farm. I will never be publishing anything more than the following account.

If I find out that you have contributed to these efforts, you will be banned from my community. I will not be allowing any negative talk about Zena, Poppy, or the Foundation on any of my social media platforms or in my Discord server. This is a zero tolerance policy. And I understand that this assurance will never be enough to them. I will forever, by virtue of this post, be grouped in with all of the worst of the worst, indistinguishable in their eyes to the person that plastered their home address, deadnames, and employment information online. I will not fight this characterization, because I refuse to let my image be dictated by them any longer. I know the person I am, & those that actually treat me with good faith will too.

In January 2024, I published a document going in depth into the surrounding reasons why I made a suicide attempt the previous May & the fallout of that attempt on my social circle. In March 2024 I published a video on YouTube going over that document in depth, relitigating the story & adding context that was absent. I stand by both.

My suicide attempt was entirely mishandled by my social circle at the time & had a higher than average possibility of making crucial mistakes that could have led to a much worse, more final outcome. I'm not going to go over the details again, you can watch that video if you so please, but this is not a retraction of my reflection on those events.

This is a reflection on events preceding & following that video's existence. But I haven't yet really explained the main premise I began with, why I split with the Foundation.

In April 2024, I finally got bottom surgery, something I'd desired for so long. I had an amazing experience with the hospital & surgical staff I went to, who were also the same staff that performed Poppy's gender affirming surgeries. In fact, if it weren't for Poppy & Zena recommending them to me, I might still be waiting for surgery, as Indiana is woefully lacking in access to gender affirming surgery & wait times are high. I stayed with Zena & Poppy the night before the surgery. They assisted me with surgical prep, Zena took me to the hospital & waited with my family as they wheeled me back, & the two visited me in recovery several times, spending time with me to ensure I wasn't alone & giving my family space to rest.

When I was discharged, they visited me on my birthday at the place I was staying a week later, & when I was finally able to handle the drive I visited them. It was honestly really special. While I missed them & it was hard being so close but not being able to see them more frequently, I knew that they were there & they messaged me every day to make sure I knew they were thinking of me. Eventually I went home for a few weeks as I healed, & the distance was hard but they were still there.

In June I stayed at their place as I went in for facial feminization surgery through the same hospital. My mom & sister got me there and the night I stayed in the hospital, Poppy stayed overnight to make sure I didn't wake up alone, as she had after her same surgery. She'd had a really bad reaction to the anesthesia & waking up alone sent her into a crisis, something she was extremely afraid would happen to me. It was a really sweet gesture, & hearing her voice as I woke from the drug induced sleep made me feel safe & cared for. She kissed me as soon as I was conscious & even though she left not long after as she still had clients to see, I felt so secure & like I knew the time alone would be okay. I would be okay.

Around this time I met Audrey, my current girlfriend. Audrey had shared a really thoughtful post detailing why she was supportive of Zena, Poppy, & I. It was concise & heartfelt, & I really appreciated the sentiment. I reached out to her in DMs to thank her for the support, & eventually we began just talking. In the middle of June I returned home. Zena & Poppy both began reaching out less, but they were dealing with the process of moving, which takes a lot of time. I got back to work, began returning to normal day to day life, & by the end of July Audrey & I were speaking daily, & Zena & Poppy & I were having much less communication, but again, all during a move, chronic illness flare-ups, & Poppy's workload increasing.

In September I visited Zena & Poppy, taking a week of vacation from work, with the plan to do something for Zena's birthday as I had not been able to see them IRL in August as I had been able to spend time with them & Poppy on Poppy's birthday in June. Unfortunately, that week the weather made it difficult for us to do much of anything. It was too cloudy, rainy, & cold to really do anything of interest outside, & the weather left all of us suffering from migraines every day. That week, at least 2 of the 3 of us were completely non functioning due to a migraine at some point throughout the week. For myself, it was nearly 5 of the 7 days.

A few weeks would go by & I'd visit again for another follow up appointment with my surgeons. Poppy was much more distant this time around, & we tried to make the most of the time together but she had little time outside of working. The day that I left their place would be the last time I would hear from Poppy in an individual one on one capacity until her final text message to me a few weeks ago.

By mid November, the distance between us, physical & emotional, was readily apparent.

I reached out when I could, tried to initiate contact, but it was not uncommon to go days at a time without so much as a response from them. A rift formed, half based around my own BPD fueled insecurity & half based around the genuine feeling that something wasn't working. I asked for a conversation with them, to try & work through things, but conflicts & lack of time prevented us. Between all of our chronic health issues, my full time job, & Poppy's full time job, no one was capable of making time for us.

The week of Thanksgiving, the conversation finally happened, initiated by Zena. It was incredibly messy & none of us were open to listening to each other. We were so focused on justifying our own behavior or lack of emotional availability that we had no space to hear anything the other was saying. Moreover, our justifications were self defeating & rigid, with no flexibility to even try with each other. Poppy, & one of her alters, lashed out at me. I lashed out at her. Zena tried to calm us both down but ultimately became frustrated with the situation entirely.

Eventually it hit me that nothing was working.

"This isn't going to work," I said. "Nothing is working, I don't know what to do to fix this." Zena asked what I meant by this. "None of this is fucking working." My voice was louder this time, not quite yelling but definitely above normal volume. There was a mixture of grief & desperation there.

"I need a break." Zena then asked for clarification on what I meant. I said, "I need a break. From this, from all of it. From the relationship, from this conversation, from everything. I can't do this anymore, it isn't working." Everything went quiet.

"A break is fine," Poppy says after a few seconds of silence.

Immediately the tone shifts in a way that is still difficult to describe. Not exactly in a positive way, or a negative way, but certainly not in a neutral way either. Zena agrees that a break is best, & reaffirms that they still want me to be around them. That the relationship status changing doesn't negate their care for me. They expressed a desire for me to still visit them in a couple of weeks when my next follow-up appointment was scheduled, though I said that I didn't know if I'd feel comfortable because I might still be hurting.

The conversation winds down, we exit the call, & I spend the rest of the night in tears.

About a week or so later, after remaining numb for a couple days, grieving for a few more, and a very tough therapy session, I decided to speak with Audrey about the elephant in the room.

We had a very long conversation that night. About how we felt about each other. About the breakup. About our worries with the possibility of a relationship. Her concerns for my mental well-being. My concerns that I was using her to simply rebound. So many topics were touched upon that night. Ultimately our relationship came upon as a mutual agreement. We would try, in spite of my fears of the distance & of me recreating the patterns a codependent relationship she'd recently gotten out of, we would try. The conversation then turned more specific. We discussed our needs, asked for certain things from the other, & established some pretty clear boundaries & definitions on what poly meant for us. She was up front about a person with whom she was flirting with & was unclear about the possibility of a relationship with. It was... A breath of fresh air to be honest.

Given all of this, what I want to say is that the reason things ended is because of our lack of emotional availability to each other & our incompatibility with each other's needs. But that wouldn't be fully true. It's part of the reason, it was the main catalyst. But it isn't the reason.

In May of 2023 I attempted to take my own life. As I mentioned previously, I went over why in a previous post & YouTube video. The details of that are less important than the timing (with one exception, we'll get to it).

About a month prior to this, Poppy & Zena began dating this woman, Hela. Hela had been a viewer of their channel for a long time, claiming to have been subscribed since before 100 subscribers. She was a patron on their Patreon, & came into the inner circle from having been an active commenter & financial supporter of their streams. Hela had been in the inner circle for months up to this point, & had been incredibly flirtatious with Poppy & Zena from the get go. This is not unusual, as people can have flirtatious personalities without necessarily being interested in a relationship. However, when Poppy & Zena began dating Hela, this was something that I was unaware of. I was not made aware of the breadth of their interest in her, I was not made aware of their intentions to fly her out to their place, & I did not find out that the three dating was something that was on the table until after the fact, & I didn't even directly hear it from them, but due to an off handed comment made in a voice call by one of them.

This obviously sent me spiraling & I got angry, feeling as though I hadn't been communicated with well enough. Which I hadn't. This spun into an argument that in retrospect never really got resolved, only buried, as two weeks later Zena would break up with me, & about two weeks after that I would attempt suicide & go into the hospital.

During these events, Poppy had been flirting with Milena, a woman who joined the server in early 2023 as a viewer & patron, who later volunteered to do video editing for them. To my knowledge, the flirting had been going on for a couple of months by the time the events with Hela occurred. I was also unaware of this until after Poppy began dating Milena, something that was also communicated with me indirectly, right around the week of my attempt.

While I was in the hospital, Hela was flown to their place. When Zena & Poppy called me, I could hear her in the background, & I think she may have sent me well wishes directly once. I suppressed the intense boiling jealousy & reactions I was feeling. There was something inherently weird about calling your psych ward inpatient girlfriend while your other partner whose relationship had previously created conflict with was just... there. Like, reasonably, I know that there's no other way this could have played out. The tickets were bought a month prior. It isn't like they could just pretend she wasn't there. But the intrusive thoughts kept swirling around. I'm fairly certain the intense reactions I had after getting off the phone led to me being kept an extra day out of caution. My mood swings, reclusiveness, & dissociative state led the staff there to keep a watch on me much more closely after every call with them.

I never told anyone this because I was embarrassed. I'm poly. This is normal, right? I'm being unreasonable. I need to let it go.

A bit after I got out of the hospital, Poppy's relationship with Milena exploded. She began dating a woman who went by Windlebee online not long after this. I found this out through Twitter. I stayed silent this time. It wasn't worth it. Last time I reacted to the lack of communication, it ended up with me being broken up with & fighting heavily over it, & I was still traumatized from the attempt & everything around it, so I swallowed up all of it & ignored it. This is just how poly is.

Not long after, I visited to help Zena & Poppy while Poppy was in the hospital for bottom surgery. I helped with house chores, feeding & walking the dog, being there to help when Zena was non functional due to chronic illnesses, & visiting Poppy while she recovered. It was around this time that Milena published her first twitter thread, & Hela broke up with the two of them.

About a month or so later, I was asked on a date by a guy I had been chatting with. We had been talking off and on for a while, he was attractive & acted pretty sweet, & I wasn't sure how I felt about him so I figured a date wouldn't hurt. If I didn't really feel anything, I could simply just tell him this, hopefully no hard feelings, right?

I'd mentioned him to Poppy & Zena a few weeks before when I was visiting them. Told them that he was talking to me & we had been flirting but that I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the situation. They seemed ambivalent at the time, so I didn't think anything of it.

Admittedly, I did not communicate the existence of the date to them. They found out through a mutual friend because of an off handed comment. This was my mistake, & so when an argument came of this event, I was willing to apologize for the lack in communication. What surprised me though, is that this was not the main concerns that were had.

You see, the guy had been a viewer of mine for a while, & had supported my Patreon for a few months. It was happenstance that we began interacting as he wasn't hugely vocal in my stream chat, but we got to know each other afterwards anyway.

This was problem number one.

Dating viewers was an abuse of power and exposed me & by proxy them to potentially highly parasocial behavior, they explained. And since he'd been in the server, it was a conflict of interest, they continued. How could I be so reckless & stupid?

What's more, dating a cis man? "I can't believe you would do this, let alone for a cis man," Poppy said to me, tears welling as she said it. I had never seen her so angry, & her voice rose the more she spoke. This was problem number two.

Problem number three was that he was a patron of mine. It was a huge indication of parasociality & I should have known better.

Now, as it turned out, the guy did display a lot of weird parasocial traits that I had overlooked. There were also some other things about him that I couldn't reconcile with that I won't put here, but this conflict, however hurt I initially felt from Poppy's words, did prevent me from making a mistake. I should be grateful.

It would be a few weeks later that I would visit Poppy & Zena again for a week. I hadn't even been at their place for long when I was informed that Poppy was going to be going on a date with some woman named Hayleigh. This had apparently already been scheduled & she had been talking with her for a while, & this was the first I was hearing of it. I was livid, but what was I to do? I'm sitting in her bed on the first night of a trip to visit her & Zena so we could spend time with each other as partners, & I'm told 'oh btw I got a date tonight with this girl I've been talking to for a while, be back in a few hours.' I could have started an argument, & I very nearly did. But I suppressed it. I'm fucking poly, this is how it works, remember?

Not long after, Poppy informed me of a person she'd met online that lived near them, Allison. They were friends & Poppy was helping get her in to the same surgeon who did our surgeries. As far as was communicated, the most was that i needed to know she existed because there was some attraction she felt but there wasn't any active plans to pursue that.

A couple weeks later, I was visiting the two again & while we were getting ready to go to an appointment I had, I overheard from the other room a comment by Poppy that the two of them needed to "clean up the toys from where we played with Allison the other night."

What?

I was furious. Not only had the breadth of interest not been informed but I had no idea that Zena was interested in this person at all, only that Poppy had expressed some attraction. Intimacy was never ever put on the table, what the fuck do you mean you played with Allison? I blew up at them in a way I hadn't expressed anger in years. I'm not proud of it at all, but I was going on pure reactive energy at that point, there was no active reasoning left.

I left their place to go to my appointment alone. They left to visit someone while I was out, & were still gone when I got back. I laid on their bed, shaking in anger & fear of being replaced. When they got back, they scolded me for reacting the way that I did & reaffirmed that this is just how poly works & I needed to stop letting jealousy guide my reactions. Maybe they were right. I mean, if you're attracted to someone & going to be in a relationship with them, intimacy is part of relationships. How could I be so stupid?

Fast forward to April of 2024. By this point Hayleigh, Allison, & Windlebee have all come & gone. I was about two weeks out from bottom surgery. I was in a voice chat with a few friends & Zena, & Poppy suddenly appears.

"Who has two thumbs & just got her pussy ate? This gal," she says within seconds of joining. I feel a circuit short in my head. She did not just say that. We'd already talked about not sharing intimate details of her sex life around me, as it caused intrusive thoughts to pop up. She knew better as this is literally a boundary of hers as well. I DM'd her reminding her of this & noting that I don't appreciate her sharing this stuff, as even if I am dating Zena as well, their sex life is theirs when it doesn't involve me, & it still hits the same triggers. I note that if this was just a joke however, I'd let it slide since a joke is a joke even if I was still uncomfortable.

This is where I learn that it wasn't a joke, & it wasn't about Zena.

I will not identify the name of this person as they were never online, we will just call them Katie.

I learn in this interaction that Poppy had been on a date with Katie, a person that I was just now learning even existed, & that the two of them had in fact had sex on this date. Poppy had been on one date with Katie previously & specifically chose not to tell me because she didn't know how she felt about them & wasn't sure if she needed to tell me given that. She did, however, know how she felt after the first date & told me that she knew going into the second that it was always planned to be a sexual one. She was afraid to tell me because she was afraid I would be hurt.

So instead of communicating with me, you cheated on me instead? All because you were afraid that I, a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, a disorder characterized by intense emotional reactions & attachment issues, might have an intense reaction to the knowledge of another partner? Of course I would have had an intense reaction. I'd get over it after like an hour, as I did with every other fucking partner.

She apologized profusely to me. She never made excuses. She promised she would be much more open about communicating in the future, especially if sex was ever on the table. I forgave her. I never forgot, but I chose to forgive her, as I was sympathetic to the position she was in as someone who also suffers from Borderline, & because she did apologize & I knew from previous moments that she was capable & willing to change behavior when it was brought up to her.

Katie would break up with Poppy not long after this, for really stupid reasons, but nonetheless it is worth noting.

At the beginning of August last year, Audrey asked me on a date. I accepted, as I didn't know fully how I felt about her, & a date wouldn't hurt. If I figured out more from it, then I would reassess & talk to Zena & Poppy before making any commitments.

The date went really well. They are incredibly sweet & funny & in getting to know them better, I found out we had a lot in common. I still didn't fully know how I felt about her, but I knew there were feelings there that were far more than just friendship.

Now, I should have communicated the date to them from the start. At this point, all of us were making the same stupid mistakes over & over again & refusing to draw lines.

Poppy & Zena found out about the date from an off handed comment by a mutual friend, & this caused a blowout fight. I regret not communicating, & I apologized for it. But that didn't matter.

I ruined Zena's birthday because of this. We were going to be doing a watch party of a movie that Zena wanted to watch as a late birthday event, & it was as I was waiting on them to show up to do so that this fight began.

How could I be so stupid? Dating a person who was on the server was a conflict of interest. Audrey was a viewer of both of our content, so she was clearly acting parasocial. Not to mention that since she was in the inner circle, it changed the dynamic & removed the ability for me to control the environment by which partners might meet, which very clearly made the relationship problematic.

Of course, there was no relationship. I even told Audrey a couple of weeks later that I couldn't date her because of the distance between us & I still didn't fully understand all of my feelings. I could tell that she was hurt by this, but she took it with such grace & continued to be my friend even afterward.

In the aftermath of this argument with Zena & Poppy, I spiraled hard. I was convinced things were over. I was suicidal, & upon learning this, Audrey reached out to Zena & Poppy to give them the information so they could ensure I was safe.

Zena snapped at them for doing this. Telling Audrey that they were not my keeper & not responsible for my mental state & could not be expected to be the only thing preventing me from hurting myself. On top of also accusing Audrey of only pretending to care about me in this way because she wanted to date me.

Pepper directly told Audrey that the reason why Poppy lashed out so hard was because she had a crush on Audrey & had been trying to pursue her, & Audrey falling for me instead of her made Poppy feel rejected & hurt.

Luckily, my friend Ghost was able to reach out to my parents to ensure I was safe, but the entire interaction left a bad taste in Audrey's mouth. She, however, did not tell me these things right away, as she did not want to potentially make the crisis worse nor did she want to be seen as trying to meddle in my relationships. Instead, she just sat back & supported me, being there as a friend to all of us, & letting things start to repair.

At the September visit, I directly told Poppy & Zena that I had no active plans to pursue Audrey romantically, as I was concerned about distance & wasn't sure of the strength of my own feelings, but I did note that I did have feelings for her. I would relay this to Audrey after arriving home from that trip.

For a while after, Audrey began to distance from me. As she did, I began to distance from her as well, as I felt abandoned & guilty for treating her like shit throughout this entire situation.

There was another crisis that ended up reconnecting us, & it was through that when I began to realize how strong my feelings were becoming.

As I was deliberating on informing Zena & Poppy, Poppy informed me of her intentions to fly out her friend in January 2025, where they were going to do a test run on a relationship. This didn't set right with me, as I had only learned of this person's existence recently, & then was told that the trip had already been planned before I knew of them, & I admittedly reacted pretty harshly to this information. During this conversation, I did inform them of my feelings for Audrey, stating that I didn't know what I wanted to do about them, which was accurate to how I felt.

I shouldn't have informed them during an argument, that was a mistake on my part. My anger, however I still feel was warranted. At this point, it is about a week & a half before the breakup.

A newly formed alter of mine left the foundation after this argument happened, & when I woke up & saw that this occurred, it was my choice to remain out of the server until our system had calmed her down so she wouldn't interfere again.

Around Christmas, I am told that Zena & Poppy have found out about the relationship between Audrey & I, & this is the final straw. They blow up at Audrey, accusing her of pretending to care about me "to get [her] dick wet" as well as accusing her of being sent to the Foundation by me to seek information to send to Milena, which is just fucking insane. Both of us are blocked on all platforms, & I receive a message from Poppy calling me abusive, accusing me of cheating on her, & accusing me of planning to doxx her.

A week later, Zena & Poppy forced Ghost to make a choice between being in my channel discord server or being a mod in the Foundation. When Ghost decided the logical solution to this was to just stop being a mod to ease the conflict, the two forced a loyalty test onto them & forced them to choose between my server or their friendship. This caused conflict between Ghost, Audrey, & I, as Audrey & I felt that Ghost was capitulating to exercises of control because Zena & Poppy wanted to punish me.

Ghost & I patched this up quickly enough, & they chose to rejoin my server, telling Zena & Poppy that they are staying out of the conflict & will no longer be doing anything that takes sides in it.

In response, Zena & Poppy banned them from the server, & then commanded the same loyalty test to anyone who was close to me save for one, & so far all have passed with flying colors.

This is why I'm no longer with the Foundation.

Because I dared to express autonomy, demand equity, & be treated with dignity.

Because I spent the last year & a half defending their behavior, only to have the exact behavior weaponized against me as evidence of being an abuser, all for refusing to continue to just take it.

Because I stayed silent during all of the times that they screamed at each other so loudly you could hear them from the bottom floor of the building.

Or the times that they got physical & raised hands at or shoved each other.

Or the times I was used in arguments between them, & then treated as if I'd picked a side when I hadn't.

Or the myriad of times in which Poppy weaponized the language of her profession as a way to control any argument & invalidate everyone around her.

Or the times when Zena would scream at Poppy & I for not reading their mind & then accuse us of gaslighting them for pointing that out.

I stayed quiet. And I shouldn't have.

With this, I have said my peace.

[poppyandzena]

What Zena & Poppy are hiding about their visit to Noehflake

Here is a Google document with the DMs between Poppy/Zena/Noehflake leading up to and after the December Trip Incident. Included are public Twitter threads (+more) that were posted in tandem with the DMs, providing as much context as I can to this situation.

I don't usually post trigger warnings, but I feel the need to here.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR GASLIGHTING, ABUSIVE INTERACTIONS AND MANIPULATION, PEOPLE IN DISTRESS, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, MENTIONS OF RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

Poppyamory 1: what Z&P are hiding about their visit to Noehflake

This post will be included in my Masterlist. PLEASE let me know if the images are unable to load. Mobile users may have difficulty.

[vividfae]

Just want to address a couple of things.

I see all of the requests to talk, & I won't be doing so. I can't control who shares my words or what they say, & at this point in it all, I'm going to accept that what happens will happen. I don't care who reposts, I don't care who comments. But I have no desire to be part of the club.

I understand that I am now Public Enemy Number 1 in the Foundation, & that makes me really valuable for the people who are going against them, but it just isn't who I am. I'm not on a crusade against Zena & Poppy. I know they & their closest supporters will not believe this, but I do still love them, after everything, I still love them so incredibly deeply. I saw & still see the humanity in them & I know that they aren't evil people. They've hurt & been hurt, for much longer than any of this has been going on, & I of all people understand the complexity that turns a person into. So I won't be reaching out or contributing to this any further. I want to rest & heal.

As for the lack of a few additions that I know will be noticed...

I very deliberately did not share screenshots of our DMs. For two reasons. When things began blowing up over Christmas, I got extremely paranoid that this would become a much bigger thing than I wanted, & I deleted all of my DMs between us in the midst of an emotional breakdown. I know they did the same in retaliation.

I do have a few screenshots of certain conversations, but I will not be sharing them, because I have no desire to keep this going, & because about 90% of what I talked about happened over voice calls or in person anyway & so I'm well aware that I have no proof of my perspective & am simply asking people to trust that I'm not making shit up just to hurt them.

I did not make any specific apologies to others in my post, & that was intentional as well.

While I do in retrospect feel guilt for some of my actions & words towards some of the people around this, this was never about making amends.

I was treated like absolute garbage by a lot of the people involved. My suicide attempt mocked, my experience with SA litigated & even defended just because they questioned the legitimacy of Poppy's claim, I was treated like shit from all sides.

I made note early on the way that because I chose to support my partners & be critical of the actions against them, I was immediately dropped like a stone by everyone & had a massive amount of hostility directed at me where I became a punching bag simply for being easy enough target, for the crime of supporting people I loved.

And now the same behavior is occurring from those very people I supported, because I dared not comply.

I don't want any of it. My real support network has challenged me without turning me into a strawman, & supported me without lovebombing me. That is what I need. And it's what I demand for myself, because it's what I deserve.

[poppyandzena]

"I've been literally told that if I hadn't broken up with Amy and Poppy killed herself that it would be MY fault."

[poppyandzena]

Spawn 1: what Z&P are hiding about their kid

This isn't even the fullest extent of what Poppy's child has suffered.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR GASLIGHTING, GENERAL EMOTIONAL ABUSE, ABUSE OF A DEPENDENT, RESTRICTIVE EATING, NEGLECT, ABELISM.

[poppyandzena]

https://twitter.com/ZenaAndPoppy/status/1768891618654859721

How is this not blackmail???

They're going to do these streams anyway. Poppy wants to destroy Noeh, not get closure for what she thinks Noeh did to her. The bell has rung, Poppy. You got fired because your behavior was ruining the image of your clinic. There's no rescinding to be done. You're fired. Full stop.

What's going to happen is Poppy is going to proceed to doxx Dormiyu's legal name again as she and Zena minimize what they did and bring up as much "dirt" from Dormiyu as they can. They're going to invoke its mental health, its relationships, its opinions. Look, you can bring up as much Twitter shit, drama, and fighting as you can. It does not erase the fact that Poppy Diabolique was bigoted towards Dormiyu's asexuality and purposefully exposed her breasts to it as it was obviously unconsenting. You did that, Poppy. You cannot obfuscate that any longer.

I have the DMs of you treated Noeh like absolute shit and gaslighting her into thinking her escape of the relationship was a betrayal to you. No "litmus test" or lie about loving you makes it rape. She told you how indecisive and broken she felt. You trampled over her feelings. And when her alter had to step in, you berated Noeh for "Max" "opening his stupid mouth." You won't bother reading the document on stream because it'd take too much effort for you to come up with lies and excuses for every abusive DM you made at Noeh. But go ahead, I encourage you to.

You have the audacity to make demands when you have tried to take so much dignity from these people and failed, burning yourself in the process. You're bleeding out followers, losing friendships left and right, having your own child speak up about what you did, and you lost your job because you refuse to reflect and take accountability. I can't mind control your friends into distancing themselves from you. Noeh can't mind control your boss and friend of 20 years into firing you. It is all you.

[vividfae]

Streamers making lowbrow lolcow content off of me that amounts to saying that I brought on the abuse myself or deserved it for being unable to see it before getting out & processing is why I am unable to trust the intentions of anyone around it all.

No one has to forgive me for the things I said or did. I don't need to repair relationships. But I will not be told that I was at fault for being abused for 2 years. Fuck that.

[vividfae]

Amazing how pretty I look with the light in my eyes again

[poppyandzena]

Hi saige. Saw you posted this trash:

4a. Chronic health conditions & mental illness can be debilitating, but you are responsible for managing them. Boundary setting, using tools to account for your disabilities is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Neither my ex nor the kid chose to do those things.

I’ll pay for you, Poppy & Zena’s one way ticket to start that island arc right now. Fuck the whole lot of you.

Poppy and Zena yanked those tools away from Spawn. Not even tools, NECESSITIES. I'm surprised by Spawns decorum in the face of it. I would not be as strong of will. PZ and Co have no excuse. They have the tools. They refuse to use them.

[poppyandzena]

Uhm. Saige. This is not setting expectations. That is all.

I have no tolerance for this type of behavior. The docs say more than anything I can say right now.

[poppyandzena]

"Trans woman here. Fuck having kids. Already did that once and it was way too much work." - Poppy Diabolique

[poppyandzena]

Page 11-14 of the doc on how Poppy and Zena abused their kid.

[poppyandzena]

Saige’s new tweet, calling GayFesh “basically a” KW’r is intentionally inflammatory. This type of phrasing: “basically a” allows the person to use intentionally inflammatory, bigoted, or evocative rhetoric that is DESIGNED to guide readers to have specific reactions. She is guiding readers to have the same feelings of that site toward GayFesh, while retaining the plausible deniability of making a comparison.

Watch and pay attention to how people use language to manipulate you. Not just her. This type of crap, and that same phrase is everywhere online. More and more I’m seeing people use extreme rhetoric whose extremity more matches the intensity of their emotions about the thing, than language that would accurately describe a thing.

^

[poppyandzena]

Yeah, Saige is very done for me at this point. Her willingness to editorialize the narrative just to support her abusive partners is disgusting.

Saige. Read the doc. Actually read the doc. Your words make it clear you didn’t. Because everything you say is barely applicable to what Spawn went through.

“I exchanged harsher words with my ex-spouse on occasion.” Yeah, and I’m sure Zena and Poppy did too- sorry you can’t have voice recordings of everything. You think Poppy/Zena would admit to harsher? Or even fully recognize it? If I recall, your own partners admit to making Spawn cry on multiple occasions. They just paint the story as “oh they cry in such a way to make me disassociate. So manipulative.” Hmm, bo red flags? To blame their kid for being driven to tears from their actions? Alright. Sure, whatever you say, Saige.

“If drawing boundaries and setting expectations is abuse, idk how you function with others.” This is just proof you didn’t read the doc more than anything. If you think having narrow (less than 10 minutes in some cases) windows for bathroom, food making, JUST GETTING WATER is boundaries and expectations, then you are delusional. And, more importantly, If you think ‘the kid’ should have to follow expectations/boundaries, but Zena and Poppy shouldn’t have to (the document makes it clear they didn’t- they skipped on dishes/chores, took up the kitchen way longer then Spawn ever did, and more), please detail why for me. I’d love to hear THAT excuse.

“I suppose it was abusive to have to check in before making purchases that weren't already budgeted bc they kept spending our income on shit we couldn't afford.” No, that’s not abusive, and also proof you didn’t read the document either. There’s a huge difference between ‘the kid’ and your ex/you- the kid had their own bank account/job/trust fund. That was only their money. Not Poppy’s. Not Zena’s. Your ex and you? Joint money, most likely. If Spawn was on their bank account/using Poppy/Zena’s money to buy things? Yes, completely reasonable to monitor and discuss buying things. The kid’s own money? No, Poppy/Zena had literally 0 rights to control that. You would tell a 18 year old that if their parents are trying to control their kids spending- you’d say “fuck them” I bet- you should in most cases. Why not Poppy/Zena’s kid? Literally just because it’s Poppy/Zena? The only way you could argue this point at all is if you could prove, actually prove, that the kid spent enough that it affected Zena/Poppy (by forcing them to cover for rent, utilities, food, something on Spawn’s behalf).

"Saige Alexis was an abusive spouse bc fae asked her spouse to do things for themself & not constantly expect faer to do everything for them” Saige. Just scroll through until you find Spawn’s chore list for one day. You articulate to me what is POSSIBLY left for Zena/Poppy to do. Spawn did everything FOR Poppy/Zena. Your precious partners are the ones that could afford to do more for their kid WITH A LITERAL, DIAGNOSED HEART CONDITION

I notice a distinct lack of mention of internet restriction. So just because they have physical and mental disabilities, Poppy and Zena had a right to completely restrict internet access? Restrict Spawn from friends and support systems? Reminder- Spawn is an adult that was paying bills too- paying for that internet. But they were still allowed to be punished and have it taken away completely? I have a feeling you and your ex spouse never turned off the internet for each other. “Oh but Spawn had a hot spot.” 10gb. That’s literally nothing. If it was enough to do anything? Spawn wouldn’t have had to go to the library for job applications. So please, give me an excuse for this one this time. Love to hear it.

Just… Saige, either actually read the document, or stay in your fucking lane. You talk a big game about not being believed on your abuse and experiences yourself, but when there’s an abuse victim that’s right there, right in from you, basically begging to be believed- you continue to just blindly believe your partners. You’re no better than everyone you have villianized for not believing you.

You don’t deserve awful shit to happen to you as you are a fellow human being. But you don’t deserve to put victims names into your mouth and minimize their stories just to try and validate your path and make yourself feel good about your life choices.

Read and actually learn or go away, Saige. Live in denial about your choices, or bother to learn your partners may not be these perfect, do no wrong people they try to pretend to be.

^

[poppyandzena]

The Ruadhan situation is thusly:

Ruadhan has a long history of being ableist, aphobic and pluralphobic. He's been banned from multiple communities in the past for this, and especially now with the Poppy situation. Because of his deleterious behaviors, Z&P have decided they can go even further in retaliation. Here's the breakdown.

Ruadhan believes he had met Poppy IRL some years ago at a queer nightclub, so he feels that Poppy is a danger to his local queer community. Ruadhan saw the city Poppy had listed on her GFM and put his city vs her city into Google Maps to demonstrate that she's definitely close enough to threaten his local scene. Poppy took this to mean he was "trying to find her house on stream" which is not how Google Maps works, you don't get that from a city name.

That being said, posting "she lives between 15 and 35 minutes of me depending on traffic satellite data" looks incredibly bad, and many people saw it as sufficient enough to remove him from further communities. But Z&P aren't satisfied with that, and are now telling their audience to report Ruadhan's Patreon and Ko-fi.

Ruadhan is a homeless trans man in Michigan living week to week in a motel with two cats while waiting on Section 8 approval. Losing his revenue streams could very easily get him back on the street, in the dead of winter. He believes they are trying to murder him. Saige responded to this concern with the "oh no, anyway" gif and the Z&P account retweeted it. https://twitter.com/SaigeAlexis10/status/1751865707837407549

Ruadhan is definitely engaging in deleterious behaviors and should be warned off and removed from communities where he has been engaging in these deleterious behaviors, but to go after a homeless man's finances in the dead of winter and to respond to accusations of attempted murder with "who cares" demonstrates an escalation of threat from Z&P beyond anything I have seen to date.

Thank you, anon. This is a wonderful breakdown. I know that some members of PZ's sever were trying to find the hotel he was staying at, which is... uncomfortable at best. Unless he is making an actionable threat, finding out the hotel he lives in is as unnecessary as him googling how close he lives to PZ. His involvement in this situation is unhelpful and potentially dangerous. I do not condone it.

[poppyandzena]

I’m guessing as a result of the constant tweeting and harassment, the @zenaandpoppy and @saigealexis10 accounts have been search suggestion and search banned

https://shadowban.yuzurisa.com/Zenaandpoppy

https://shadowban.yuzurisa.com/Saigealexis10

I'm not quite sure how Twitter shadowbanning works, but I do know Poppy's accounts were shadowbanned in some way a long time ago too.