#personal anecdote

[bumbled-bees]

Getting Close Was What Set Me Free

(Or: Why I Do This Work)

So I've come to realize that getting close to Lily was what set me free. And by that I mean: the reason I was able to finally see Lily for who she really is wasn’t because I stumbled across some damning document or a big exposé. It was because I got too close to her to keep lying to myself.

I was in her server from June to September 2024. Three months. Not long in the grand scheme of things, but long enough to change everything.

Before that, I was just a casual fan. I watched her videos, nodded along with a lot of her takes, maybe rolled my eyes at a few. But I still trusted her. I still believed in the version of herself that she presents—the version that’s loud, unfiltered, “honest to a fault,” as she might say. Someone who’s rough around the edges but ultimately good-hearted. Someone who "says what everyone else is thinking." That’s the version she wants you to see.

And for a while, I bought into it. A lot of people do. Especially if you’re neurodivergent, LGBT+, or otherwise looking for a voice that feels like it “gets” you. She markets herself directly to us—those who’ve been overlooked, who’ve been hurt, who want to believe that someone loud and confident must know what they’re talking about.

But once I got inside that server, once I was in her space every day, I saw the real Lily. Not the polished version, not the performance. The person.

It started small. Subtle acts of condescension toward her own viewers. Passive-aggressive remarks she clearly expected people to just “get.” The way she acted offended if someone asked a question she didn’t feel like repeating herself on. That kind of thing. It wasn’t abusive in an overt way at first. But it chipped away at you. It created this atmosphere where you always had to tiptoe around her mood. And if you didn’t? Well, you were either ignored, mocked, or quietly exiled.

What really changed things for me was realizing how much effort she puts into controlling the space around her. That’s what it comes down to. Control. Everything is about control—what people are allowed to say, what kind of questions are allowed, what “tone” you’re supposed to use when addressing her. And the more time you spend in that environment, the more you realize that nothing you say is ever just a question. It’s a potential offense. A potential threat. Every interaction with her is a test you can fail, and she gets to decide the rules.

The incest game folder is when I started going back to old allegations, to posts I’d brushed off as “haters” or “drama.” And suddenly everything clicked. It wasn’t just “cancel culture” or “jealous ex-friends.” These were patterns. These were consistent behaviors. And they matched exactly what I was now seeing firsthand.

That’s when I got out. But that’s also when I realized how dangerous her grip really is.

Because if I’d stayed a casual fan? I wouldn’t have looked any of that up. I wouldn’t have believed the claims. I would’ve kept assuming that anyone who criticized her was just bitter or couldn’t handle a “strong personality.” And that’s what scares me most. How many people are still in that mindset? How many people are still where I was?

That’s why I started documenting. That’s why I made this blog. Not to “get back at her,” not to cause drama. But to lay out the patterns. To name them. To put them in the light. Because they are recognizable—and not just in Lily. The same red flags show up in other online spaces, in other creators, in other parasocial relationships. And if this blog helps even one person get out of a toxic space, or recognize that they’re not crazy for feeling like something’s off? Then it’s worth it.

I do this because I’ve been there. I saw it up close. And I got out. Now I want to help others recognize what I did—before they get pulled in too deep.

This isn’t a callout blog. It’s a flashlight. And I’m just trying to shine it where it’s needed.

[leletha-jann]

As of today, I have been reading Girl Genius for five years!

(so yes, I'm still very new in town)

I remember because I'd borrowed the first novel from the library on a whim (we were in week MULTIPLE of a two-week Spring Break) and I needed books, any books, what books had I seen... I'd walked past what turned out to be a copy of novel 3 in my local bookstore multiple times. "Foglio" is an unusual enough name that it stuck in my brain. Might as well give it a try...

I will defend the novels to the absolute WALL, because it's no exaggeration that that book changed my life.

It made me laugh. It grabbed me. It demanded that I help it unbolt the engine!! while still falling. (For a moment there, I was totally behind unbolting the engine, hahaha.) It made me yelp and gasp and go "What?" It drew me in like I was meant to be there. I needed to know what happened next. It fit into my brain like a puzzle piece. I was in love.

I was phoning local bookstores the second I finished the last page, because I NEEDED to know what happened next, and I needed to OWN it so I'd have this world to hand forever.

I got very lucky. One bookstore had novel 2; another had novel 3.

I remember ping-ponging up and down the highway because if I waited too long it would be Easter the next day and everyone would be closed, and I COULD NOT WAIT, I NEEDED IT NOW. (This is how I know the date.)

The bookseller at the first store commiserated with me about the homemade masks we were both wearing. The bookseller at the second store gave the cover too quick a look, said "Agatha Christie?", and seemed confused when I laughed.

...it possibly was not a very sane laugh.

(Fun fact, that bookstore sold me the same copy of novel 3 I'd walked past all those times. Truly meant to be.)

(Also, oh ye gods, you cannot imagine my delight when I opened novel 2 and found footnotes. I was in the right place and I felt it in my soul.)

I had to get novel 4 from the library, as it was brand new and nobody nearby had it. I'd buy it later, but the library's eBook copy was faster, and I needed to know what happened next!

Also later, I bought a copy of novel 1 online...but before it arrived, I walked past another copy in a bookstore, and what was I supposed to do, just leave it there? When I could have it now? Of course not.

(Those copies are signed and drawn in now! I treasure them! I'm still looking forward to the revised editions, and I'll buy those too!)

I read my way through the novels a couple of times...but I still needed to know what happened next. And, well, that did seem like quite a lot of comics listed...clearly they'd gotten a lot further, so maybe I should be reading those...

And I have never looked back.

That year sucked a lot, for everyone.

Thank you, Professors Foglio, for getting me through it...and the years since. Thank you for changing my life and bringing me so much joy.

(Also screaming. There's some screaming. You know what you're doing.)

Five years ago today I started reading Girl Genius...and I am still very much in love,

and I still need to know what happens next!

[transformers0]

Voice Facade

A headcanon I had to explain Lor's voice changing over the course of the show is that the rough-and-tumble voice she started out with was her intentionally putting on a lower vocal tone to sound intentionally more rough and tough.

As Lor became more sensitive, more considerate, and more in touch with her feminine side over the course of the show, she gradually stopped lowering her voice and the lighter, higher tone that she has in later episodes is actually her natural voice.

And yes, when I have the time, I do wanna write at least one fanfic exploring this idea.

This headcanon of mine was based off of me doing the exact same thing when I was a preteen. Though since I'm male, me putting on a voice facade was due to me wanting to sound more like a man, since I was one of the last among my friends for my voice to drop.

I wasn't the last one though, so yay to that.

Though if I could go back and give advice to my younger self, I'd tell him not to be so insecure and superficial about his vocal chords.

You're only young once.

[1ightningsvibecorner]

One episode of Gravity Falls I don’t see a lot of conversation about is The Hand That Rocks The Mabel. Imma talk about it a bit because I love it, especially now that I’ve had a sorta similar situation.

This episode showcases EXACTLY how it feels when you have a friend and/or partner that is really passionately into you, but you only see them as a friend. Mabel likes being friends with Gideon at first, he’s interested in some of the same things as her and he’s silly.

But Gideon starts to creep her out. He thinks the relationship is going to be built on romantic chemistry, while Mabel thinks she’s making a new friend. He ends up roping her into a romantic relationship she doesn’t want to be in.

Mabel really likes hanging out with Gideon at first, but she doesn’t want to date him. She becomes trapped in this relationship because it makes the people around her happy, but it makes her miserable, and she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. She can’t figure out how to break up with him because she knows she wants to, but she can’t bring herself to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dipper is honestly an amazing brother for offering to break up for her. Gideon going psycho also gave her the opportunity to make a clean break up because there was not just discomfort, but he had also tried to kill her brother over it.

I relate to Mabel in this episode so much, because I had a similar relationship with my first (ex)boyfriend (I’m ace and he was nooooooot lol). I think it’s great that this type of thing was represented in Gravity Falls and I think it’s a really important message.

Just because someone likes you a certain way, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to like them that way too. If someone you enjoy the company of is creeping you out with the way they treat you, set your boundaries. Your safety and mental health is more important than someone’s romantic interest in you.

[nastasya--filippovna]

Hiii mutal!!!! I love seeing your doctor who reposts and I wanted to ask you how did you get into doctor who/who’s your favorite doctor?

Heyoooooo!!!! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!

Oh My Gallifrey! This is my favorite anecdote to tell (well this one and how I got into Good Omens).

I remember it SO vividly. And it's a funny story so I hope you won't mind if I deep dive down memory lane! ;P It was April 2007. I was three years old. We were going to our aunt's house. Well there were two aunts. So we stop at Aunt A's house first to drop off something my mum had cooked and this cousin of mine is watching a movie ''bout a kid who can communicate with aliens and I asked "HOW?!" and he explained it was bcs a ufo crashed into his parent's car when his mum was pregnant with him... and I was so bewildered because I thought storks delivered babies.... oops. So that was the day I found out about childbirth (I mean just the bit about the birth not what happens before *nervous laughter*)

AND THEN we went to our other aunt's house where we were going to spend the weekend (right on time it's like the universe was calling) and her son is watching nothing other than DOCTOR WHO!

It was a Martha episode I remember but unfortunately I don't remember which but I am safely willing to bet on The Shakespeare Code. SO yeah Martha was my first companion. And I was absolutely mesmerized. And over the weekend we binged all of the previous episodes (well most of them anyway) and I remember crying over Doomsday so hard that everyone came round to make me shut up (it's not just a show mom!).

Well back then 10 was my favorite Doctor. And after 10 regenerated I kinda didn't want to continue... I lost the taste for it... at the time it was hard to heal so quickly from losing a character you've loved for such a long time, esp when you're a child and you feel that those stories are more real than reality and you believe in other worlds and magic blue boxes.

But recently when I came back to the show, I realized that I have fallen in love first with 11, then 12, then 13, 14 AND now rn, my favorite Doctor is 15... so it's safe to say (I know it sounds weird but) that I love ALL the Doctors.

[nexilu]

You know how I started to watch Supernatural ? It was last summer, I saw a few tiktok about it and all I knew is that it was about two guys dealing with supernatural stuffs. I found it interesting and told myself I should take a closer look to it one day. Until I found out that the two guys were brothers and god knows that my favorite trope of all since forever is family, especially siblings (plus it was about them hunting supernatural stuff and i’ve been super interest in all the ghost & monsters stories since I’m a little kid) and from then on, I knew that this show was made for me. I did a few research, watched youtube compilations of Dean being protective of Sam and found out that it was on Prime Video that we just got a few weeks ago.

I ran to the TV to watch it and I was on 1x03 when my dad came into the room, took a look at the TV and said « Oh, I know this show, I watched it » I didn’t believed him and said « Really ?? » and he said « Yeah, the…what’s their name again ? The Winchester brothers.» I was shoked, I never though that my dad would have known about the show. And then, he started to spoil me everything !

Later, I discovered that he started to watch the show when it first came out in 2005 the year that my older sibling, the eldest of the family was born. I’m pretty sure he never finished the show but when he spoiled me, he told me about Dean sacrifying himself to save Sam and Sam becoming the devil. Which means that my dad was watching my current hyperfixation before I was born and when I was a baby and I never knew about it ???

[ultimatesoupdemon]

last week after i had finished my exam and i was waiting outside the library to be let in, someone was next to me watching something on their chromebook and i glance over and they are watching afton family gacha videos

[cimness]

On the one hand, curses aren't real; but on the other, the yarn is obviously cursed

Once upon a time I made a sweater for my BIL and had so many accidents and fuckups that each stitch of the sweater was knitted at least two times, some of them three. As a result, I referred to this sweater afterwards as the Cursed Sweater.

But I didn't know what I was talking about.

The purple yarn that is the subject of this post is the TRUE cursed yarn/sweater(s).

A brief summary of the mishaps that have occurred with this cursed yarn:

Shortly after I started Sweater 1 (Fickle Heart by Justyna Lorkowska, a very well-written pattern), summer 2019: my MIL died while the house we were buying with her was half renovated, and then a pipe exploded, flooding our basement and destroying our hot water heater, and then the septic tank under the garage overflowed, flooding the garage with sewage. In the confusion, the knitting got lost.

Spring 2020: I found the knitting and finished most of the body before I discovred I'd made a small error near the center of the back lace panel which could not be fixed without unraveling about 50% of the body and reknitting.

Spring 2020: I ordered a zipper for the project and it got lost in the mail. I ordered a replacement zipper, which arrived.

Fall 2020: Put the knitting aside when MIL's estate cleared probate and we had to try to finish renovating and moving to a short deadline. We ended up moving all our stuff from one half of the duplex to the other in about two days and in the process lost my favorite sweater, a bunch of MIL's kitchen stuff, the living room door (don't ask) and the (SECOND) zipper for this project.

Fall 2021: I gave up on ever finding the zipper and ordered a THIRD zipper. I blocked the sweater and discovered a moth had eaten a tiny hole in the center of the back lace panel while it was in a drawer waiting for the zipper and it started unraveling right away, meaning it would have had to be at least 70% redone to fix. I tried it on and it was also too tight, while the holes in the lace were too big and let in a bunch of cold air.

Fall 2021: @waxjism frogged the sweater for me (unraveled it) and I chose a different hoodie pattern without any lace (Zingiber by Susanna Winter, also a great pattern) and started Sweater 2. I knitted about half, then succumbed to Pandemic Anxiety/Depression.

November 2022: I redesigned the hood about five times before finding out that I didn't have enough yarn to finish unless I wanted to use the yarn from the pockets and have a sweater without pockets. Frogged the hood.

I tried it on to place the zipper and discovered the zipper wouldn't work anyway because the fit was too tight over the hips. Ordered toggle buttons instead. Used the yarn from the hood to finish the front edge.

Wore it for a few weeks before giving up. The toggles didn't work right, the fit still wasn't right over the hips, and my neck finishing looked dumb.

April 2023: Bought a third patttern (Lenu by Ankestrick), a saddle-shoulder pullover (less yarn than a hoodie, and I had lost some to moths. Also every time you frog a sweater you lose a bit of the yarn). Started Sweater 3. I only knitted a few inches of it before having doubts and weighing the yarn to estimate how much I had left and discovering there wasn't enough to finish it.

November 2024: Weighed the yarn to estimate yardage again and determined there wasn't enough for a sweater with sleeves, so I picked a sweater vest pattern that I liked (Beneath Waves by Johanna Kunin). I was pretty excited because I'd never knitted bobbles before. I finished the sweater last night and wove in all the loose ends BEFORE holding it up and noticing for the FIRST TIME that the back of the armholes looked funny, almost like a racerback. I examined it and realized I had accidentally left out one whole horizontal repeat of the lace pattern on the back. There are four on the front and three on the back. And I had knitted the ENTIRE VEST without noticing!!

As @waxjism said, it will be safer to get the entire sweater out of the house. (Burning would be ideal but wool doesn't burn easily and it probably wouldn't burn up in our woodstove.) Wool does compost, though, so we might do that.

Although I protested that curses are not real, I eventually agreed that even if the curse is actually my subconscious mind sabotaging me it still has devastating effects, and it would be better not to risk it destroying another sweater.

In fact, I have two balls of it leftover, but I'm not sure I dare use them in a stashbusting project in case they ruin it.

The yarn (Svarta Fåret Ulrika in Lila Melange) was purchased originally for its exact color match to a cheap cotton pullover hoodie from H&M (2008ish?) that I loved passionately and wore to pieces, and I really still have my heart set on it being a hoodie anyway. I'll start over with new yarn.

"RIP to a real one (was it real?)" - @waxjism

[bistec-musings]

Being a creative person is so weird sometimes because I met up with my cousin recently and we were talking about The Tortured Poets Department and we were discussing the song Fresh Out the Slammer and I said something like this

“It gives me post-western vibes. Like the Bonnie and Clyde Smoky and the Bandit energy. That type of movie in the late 60s early 70s where it still has the themes of a western but modernized with more of an edge. I can totally picture driving in a long ass car in the desert with smoky yellow camera”

“…what? What are you talking about are you ok? Like I genuinely don’t understand you sometimes ”

And I have no idea why but that just hit me and that’s the closest I’ve gotten to being the “weird kid” since middle school.

[ambonexus]

Told my friend that I had a headache and no access to pain medication. He suggested I take a warm shower, and I did.

Not only do I feel better physically, I also feel so much better mentally and energetically. I feel the best I've felt in a while, like a weight's been lifted off my mind. I can breathe deeply and feel good about it.

If you're feeling depressed, please try taking a shower or a bath. Maybe try playing some music too. It might not fix your problems, but it's a good chance to reset from any monotonous cycles, practice some self care, and come back with a refreshed perspective.

[bumbled-bees]

When Communication Is Suppressed: How Lily’s Actions Prove Why Her Fans Don’t Speak Up

I had a personal experience with Lily that highlights exactly why her claims that "people don’t communicate with me" don’t hold any weight. It's ironic that she so often complains about people not telling her when something's wrong, because, in my experience, when someone does attempt to speak up or address an issue, they’re met with a response that makes communication impossible.

This particular situation involved a confrontation with a YouTuber who used to be a friend of Lily’s. This YouTuber tried to intimidate and smear me simply because I refused to do a voice call with her and followed a former mod. In an attempt to shut me down, she played a manipulative game, calling me out publicly for my choices. Rather than have a productive conversation, she tried to manipulate the situation to create an image of me as someone to be vilified.

And in what was supposed to be an innocuous moment of trying to vent about the situation on a stream, Lily took things too far. I had brought up my issue with this YouTuber in her stream chat, trying to air the frustration I had. Instead of listening or offering understanding, Lily responded by publicly dropping the YouTuber’s full name — and for some inexplicable reason, she dropped Sai’s full name too. This was done live on stream, with no consideration for privacy or the potential fallout.

The worst part? Because I was the one who brought up the issue in the first place, the viewers who recorded this event saw my name in the chat as the person who had “prompted” Lily to drop those names. I looked like I had somehow condoned this kind of privacy violation.

Let me be clear: I do not condone sharing people’s private information, especially without their consent. Privacy is something I hold dear, and it was infuriating to have Lily take it so carelessly, as if it didn’t matter. But because I never directly confronted Lily about it — and because I didn’t feel safe doing so — she never heard how upset I truly was.

This situation isn’t an isolated incident either. Lily often claims that people “don’t communicate” their issues with her and that she always finds out about problems too late. But the truth is that it’s impossible to tell her when you’re upset with her. Her community operates on an unspoken rule that you can’t speak up when something’s wrong. If you do, you’re walking on eggshells. People are terrified of offending her or risking a ban. So, instead of opening a dialogue about what’s really going on, the community builds this silent resentment and fear.

When you're part of Lily's space, you're expected to fall in line — and the price of speaking up is too high. Any attempt to assert yourself or express discomfort could result in mockery, public shaming, or worse, being ostracized from the community. That’s not a healthy space for communication. It’s an environment where people are conditioned to keep their mouths shut for the sake of avoiding conflict.

I never vocalized my frustration with Lily after that event because I knew what would happen if I did. I knew the backlash I would face. I knew she wouldn’t actually listen, and in turn, I’d risk being shut down or dismissed entirely. So, I stayed silent. And that’s what she doesn’t understand when she complains about no one speaking up. She’s created a culture of silence, a space where it’s safer to swallow your feelings than risk angering her.

Lily's behavior shows that communication is only valuable when it fits her narrative — when people are telling her what she wants to hear or agreeing with her. Anything that challenges that is either dismissed or punished, leaving people stuck in an uncomfortable limbo where they can’t express legitimate concerns. That’s why her claim that people don’t communicate with her is so hollow.

It's not that we don't want to talk — it’s that we're too scared to.

[eldritchfrenchmushroom]

There was one time I got hacked while playing Bloodborne and the guy seemed as confused as me when he took control of my character, he even tried to play for a bit while I tried to take back control of my PS4 I could only communicate with him two seconds each times with emotes before he would take control of my character again..

Never knew who he was but either I succeeded to take back my account or he raged quitted because he kept getting killed by yharnamites after walking in the starting area haha

[manousyren]

I hope Alex Hirsch is doing okay now, but every time I think about the Book of Bill I laugh inside.

In April there was a playgrounds event (The Art Department) where artists come together to explain their craft or show their work and stuff, really cool and we got free tickets cause I go to an art school 5 minutes away.

My friends in a different class are going too, and especially to a talk from the man Alex Hirsch! We were super excited because we live in the Netherlands and I certainly never expected to meet him.

Alex Hirsch, someone we looked up to so much, was gonna be in Eindhoven! Crazy!

And then he wasn't, not because he didn't want to! But he spend sooo long signing The Book of Bill that he dislocated a disk in his spine. Like damn.

We still had a really great, engaging and inspiring video call and we even got so see a few spoilers for the book, but the fact that that book crippled him, even for a little while, is kinda insane, like Bill really had it out for him.

Here are a few pictures :)

By the way, he didn't talk about the Book of Bill only, it was a very inspiring story about his journey while producing Gravity Falls. I'm so glad I was there.

[quackityquackquackquack]

I have read Homestuck. My sister has also read Homestuck. We both know this about each other, and we both take psychic damage anytime Homestuck is mentioned.

Every once in a while, in casual conversation between the two of us, a clear opportunity to drop a Homestuck reference will rear its ugly head, and suddenly the tension in the room will raise from 0 to 100, as we try to continue our normal conversation while both dreading that either one of us could invoke cursed knowledge at any moment.

It is as if we are two dangerous criminals with a complicated history of ups and downs together sitting at a table with a gun between us, both knowing that at any moment, one of us could take the gun and shoot the other, but instead of dangerous criminals, we're socially awkward nerds with autism, and instead of a gun, it's Gamzee Makara.

[searenbound]

I’ll bite, what’s the situation that it comes in handy for?

Context

So we’re talking about my ability to fake nice with someone I don’t like and how I think it’s a valuable skill no matter how icky you think the behavior is.

My example is from when I was back in high school. There was this one girl who would get under everyone’s skin and demanded the attention always be on her or she’d have a violent meltdown.

She wasn’t above hitting and then playing victim, and because we went to small religious school and she had documented mental illnesses in her files, they tended to scold others for provoking her because they felt she couldn’t help it.

I learned pretty quickly it was easier and safer to act sweet and let her think we were good than it was to confront her about her actions and risk that meltdown.

I just ended up carrying that same particular skill with me outside of school because it makes working with others that I clashed with easier for everyone

[slugshop]

i was sitting under a shady tree today with like eight million pigeons swarming me, feeding them bird seed out of a bag the size of my actual torso

i was terribly self conscious about this ginormous monstrosity of bird food, but the darn thing was the smallest size they had and i really really love feeding wild pigeons

while i was busy worrying, a woman and three adorable little kids walked near me with a few pieces of bread since the memorial park is pretty popular for its birds

i know how much kids adore pigeons and i love fostering that adoration for nature, so i got up and dusted my pants off with a friendly wave and a sincere promise to stop hogging the birds

it made them laugh, as i had meant it to, and their smiles were terribly infectious. it would have been impossible not to notice the kids eyeing that ridiculous little bag of bird seed in my arm with the same sparkling eyes my little brothers always have when they want something very badly

so of course, with their guardian’s permission, i told them i had more than enough to share and held the bag their way

it felt really really nice, for a moment i was one of those kind strangers from kids books that makes a good difference in one of those soft ways that costs nothing but makes the world glow

i think there’s kind of something poetic in that?

the whole time i felt so silly and embarrassed that i brought so much to go alone, but it ended up being such a lovely day

i’m really glad i did, i hope we all manage to bring a little too much and find each other in those abstract ways that make us kind strangers to each other