#personal wank

[writing-for-life]

Help, it’s that time of year again where the kid is home, I have a full-time job (but one I do mostly from home), only one set of grandparents who are too old to take her more than once a week for a couple of hours (and quite frankly also need our support), and I’m struggling to get anything done.

Plus, I don’t want her to sit glued to screens all day, so I’m either constantly encouraging her to do art or something creative, or I’m taking her out (during what should be my work hours ofc). Cue catching up on work until 1am and no sleep until 3am. Don’t even ask me what the house looks like or if my body needs exercise.

But I’m flexible because I’m self-employed. Of course I am. Blech…

Venting now, might delete later…

[blacknidstang]

Ok i need to find a therapist asap and show them the "i could never go on a quest like that" scene and begged them to tell me how is it even possible that i cry every damn time i see even mention of it, my tears start to fall and i cant exactly put my fingers on what it's doing to me but it does something and i am sitting here with pathetic wet face just baffled by my own inexplicable emotional reaction

[cumbercougars]

I may be pretty useless as a human being, but at least my tmblr is full of awesome.

[kedreeva]

There's some dude (derogatory) on FB who is PISSED people are pricing their farm fresh eggs at $2 and $3 a dozen instead of $4+, saying it's "disrespectful" and "undignified" and "I'm trying to feed my kids" like Sir, you are on a Facebook group page bitching about your neighbors egg prices because your pet chickens aren't earning you a living wage and you think it's your neighbors' fault, you do not have a leg to stand on here wrt dignity.

Also half the answers are like "I give them to friends and family free" or "I donate them to food banks" or "I'm making them affordable to folks who might not otherwise be able to get them now that they're so expensive in the store" and "if you think you're going to turn a profit keeping backyard chickens you have been wildly misled" and so on, and so forth, and I'm so living for it.

and I can tell you right now, he did NOT like my answer of "if you're trying to feed your kids, I hear eggs are edible."

[worldwiderush]

Sometimes I forget how racist my parents can be and then they just go off!

[bananonbinary]

jfc i just saw a "morally grey girlboss" poll and mabel pines was one of the contenders. she's not morally grey she's not a girlboss she's 12 and never makes a single moral decision that's worse than "you have stuff going on but i'm focused on my own problems" what are you fucking talking about

[ftmwillz]

sylvie’s character essentially functions as a narrative device to remind the audience of how loki *would* have reacted to challenges, frustrations, and difficulties in the past

she’s an externalization of everything he is outgrowing, and every conversation they have had this season has driven that point home

the “love triangle” at the center of this season isn’t really about loki’s feelings towards sylvie or mobius, it’s about loki’s internal struggle to grow and become better without betraying his core identity

[qprstobin]

The fact people act like Steve wouldn't notice if a guy/Eddie was flirting with him at all, when part of the hilarity behind the big boy flirtation scene is that Steve CLEARLY knows something about the comment is off lol. That's why he looks so baffled. Steve can be oblivious about other things but come on Casanova over there is going to notice when someone is flirting with him even if it is a guy

[writing-for-life]

I swear one day I’ll understand why Tumblr unfollows accounts I know I haven’t unfollowed myself.

Until then, just ignore seemingly random re-following (is that a word?) after I’ve already followed you ages ago.

FFS…

[not-poignant]

a reader once literally said in a comment 'i don't know if i feel morally correct reading this haha' and they didn't mean it in a bad way, it just made me so sad for the state of society.

fiction isn't about feeling morally correct or incorrect. it's not about reading for virtue points, nor is it about reading to become more 'evil.' this isn't what fiction does. what you read in fiction says nothing about your moral character (and before anyone in the tags says 'this doesn't include people who read underage, yes it does.) what you read in fiction says nothing about how good you are or how bad you are in reality.

someone feeling nervous enjoying a fic because it might not be 'morally correct' is one of the saddest things i've seen in a long time.

it wasn't their fault either, this is what they've been taught by their peers who obviously veer anti.

the best thing to do on AO3 is just take the morals out of it. morals and ethics are who you are to other people in reality, it's not really about the fiction you enjoy. that doesn't mean the fiction we enjoy shouldn't be explored, discussed or talked about, but it does mean your ethical standing and your moral character can't be determined by how much you enjoy reading dubcon / noncon / etc.

it just can't.

[kedreeva]

Watching a post on FB about chickens not eating a food their owners got them, and people telling this person "just don't give them more until they eat it" and "they'll eat it if they're hungry enough" and thinking about how if someone asks about a toxic plant in their yard these same people will swear chickens "know what's good for them" and "they won't eat stuff that's bad for them." And somehow these two things live together in their heads with no conflict. Well which is it? Does your chicken know the feed is bad or can they not tell when things are good or bad for them?

I went through several feeds looking for one my birds actually liked that I also liked. The one they're on now is sound but they also seem to really enjoy it. They don't anymore, but they used to dig/sort through chows, spill a bunch, only eat it when they really had to. That's miserable, I think. What a miserable existence, to be expected to eat food you dislike every day with no control over it, no ability to change it. And it's deemed okay, because you're not willing to die over it so you're just being picky.

If your fowl are avoiding eating a feed, maybe it's not a good feed or maybe they don't like it. Maybe try a different one and see if you can find one that's decent but also tastes good. Try pellets vs crumble vs mash. This person was feeding mash (a powdery food meant to be served wet) dry and it had whole grains in it the birds were picking out. Of course they're going to pick out the whole grains and leave the dry powder behind. I would, too. It's not hard to give them some water with their chow. I do it near daily with crumble and the birds lose it, they love that stuff. It's so easy. It's such a little thing. Sometimes I just wish I could shake someone through a computer screen until their teeth rattle.

[queermania]

Do you think Jensen is uncomfortable being asked about Destiel?

yes but i don't think it's because the concept of destiel makes him uncomfortable at this point. i think it's because every single time he speaks about destiel, no matter what he says, a whole bunch of people are upset in a whole bunch of different directions. he says cas was dean's best friend and well that just means he's homophobic because obviously cas was more than that, but also how dare he forget about sam. he says dean was thinking that he should've said i love you too and well he obviously meant it platonically and how dare anyone think otherwise but also he stuttered when he said it so he was trying to hold back slurs. he says cas's confession testament isn't something that needs to be resolved which obviously means they will never ever address it despite the 6000 other things he's said about wanting to give it the weight it deserves when dean and cas reunite. jensen hates gay people and specifically he wants to spit in hellers faces but also how dare he say things that legitimize destiel he's a monster and this is why we love jared.

[enemywasp]

"____'s creator wouldn't want you posting this ship/hc!!"

Well to be honest if the creator of a piece of fiction doesn't understand that once their work is out there it can be interpreted in a million ways I don't really care for their opinion.

[mothiir]

made to be a devotee

cw: lorgar jerking it. that’s it that is the plot. for @moodymisty

—

—

It is not the first time that Lorgar has taken himself in hand while thinking of you, and it will not be the last. Lying on his austere bed, staring at the ceiling — after pointedly turning the statues of the Emperor to face the wall — he strokes himself root to tip, his shaft thickening eagerly.

He does this not because he wants to, but because he must. You are a good woman — kind, clever, bright-eyed and curious, and you speak with him about his books in a way that so few dare — and he will not dishonour you with his lust. When the time is right, when the crusade is done, he will take you as his wife in the sight of the Emperor, and then — and only then — will he bed you. He allows himself a moment to dwell on the glorious future: Monarchia, resplendent in gold, its people rejoicing at their lord’s nuptials; you, clad in white, your belly already starting to swell with child —

His forehead furrows a little. No, that’s not right: you cannot be pregnant until after the wedding. After. He alters his daydream minutely. Now you wear a dress of shimmering bronze, your pregnant belly testament to the exertions of your wedding night. It is the — anniversary? Or it is a celebration of his Father’s latest victory? It matters not. The point is you, holding his wrist as you parade before your people; or you, straddling his lap that night, your skin painted gold in candle light. My lord husband, you will say.

He strokes himself again, harder, as the image shifts a little, memory replacing fantasy. The last time he saw you — the incident that prompted this latest shameful session — you had been in the library, a book open on your lap. You were hunched over it, in a Astartes-sized chair, the noontime sun catching in your hair. The very point of your pink tongue had snuck out, moistening your finger before you turned a page.

Lorgar had executed a speedy strategic retreat. If he had stayed — oh if he had stayed. Well. He would have seated himself in the armchair, arranged you on his lap — far more comfortable for you that way. He would have replaced your thumb with his, and let you suckle on it, your cheeks hollowing as you peered up to him. You would like the taste of his skin, he’s certain. “There. Good girl.”

You’d like being called good. You are always so keen for approval, so desperate to please. So keen. He’d sneak in another finger, maybe, letting your lips stretch around them, drool slipping down towards his knuckles. He’d fuck your throat with his fingers first — preparing you, letting you get used to him —

And it wouldn’t cause you any shame, Lorgar thinks, starting to fuck his fist in earnest. No shame, because it isn’t sex, is it? He would still be able to take you as a virgin bride, like you deserved, pure as the driven snow, untainted by his baser feelings. All he would do is let you suck his fingers, just a little. Work your mouth open on them. Feel your sweet, blunt teeth against his flesh. Maybe he would reach a little deeper — into the wet channel of your throat, until you hiccuped around his digits. He would try to pull his hand free, but you would take his wrist. Suck harder. Pleading wordlessly to let him continue. Wanting him to take his pleasure with you, to abuse your throat, because he is your Primarch, your lord, your master —

Lorgar’s breath catches. He grasps himself harder, hips rolling up.

He would decline of course. He couldn’t possibly. Would never. Could never. You’re too good for it, too pure, you’re worth more — but you wouldn’t care. You’d say you want him even if it means being his whore.

He would be powerless to resist as you knelt before him —

Lorgar pauses, opens his eyes. Looks over at one of his desk chairs and does a few mental calculations. You probably wouldn’t have to kneel — merely bend over a little. And yet — no, the visual of you kneeling is far too pleasing to let go of. He adjusts the height of the library chair. There: now you have to kneel before the chair with uncommonly long legs.

Where was he? Yes: you’re sucking at his head now, using both of your tiny hands to milk him onto your tongue. Greedy for him, even though you can barely swallow an inch of his prick. You spit on his cock, then look somewhat embarrassed at your boldness. He urges you on —

Lorgar can feel his orgasm building. He squeezes the base of his prick, letting the scene change again: he has his face buried in your cunt, your thighs bracketing his face as he licks deeper into you, your mewling cries almost insensible save his name: Lorgar, Lorgar. A victory cry, a hymn, a call to worship. Lor-gar please, Lord Lorgar please —

The image changes one more time, almost against his will. He’s spilling inside you, your body clinging to his prick, warm and welcoming and tight and home —

He cums so hard he sees stars, his seed splashing up onto his abdomen. Still hazy with climax, he wishes you were there to lick him clean. And then the rose-gold dozy feeling wanes away, and he is sticky and alone and ashamed.

Not yet. But soon. Soon, he shall have you where you belong: his bride, in his bed, and under him.

[writing-for-life]

Sorry, this is probably gonna turn into a long rant, but I’m in the mood at the moment. So don’t read if rants aren’t your thing…

Only a few days ago, someone actually commented on one of Neil’s posts:

“Male characters are written better and have interesting complex relationships with other male characters. We need more complex female characters we can relate to and root for!!”

If that were a general call to reflect, I’d be all for it. But they seriously gave that as the reason for the lack of m/f and f/f ships. They basically said it’s the creator’s fault they’re only able to ship m/m! In a post that talked about the Sandman (amongst other things)! The one comic/show with really no lack of interesting women and queer folks. And yet, we have to pick the two arguably (!, you’re free to disagree) most straight-leaning guys out of the bunch and ship them. I mean, it doesn’t surprise me, it’s just what fandom does predictably, and at this point, I don’t think it’ll ever change.

And I’d even be fine with that, but on above justification, I honestly call bullshit. YOU write fanfic! YOU choose to read it because you want to read about two guys, and that would honestly be okay (some needed reflection from time to time notwithstanding) if you stopped making these ridiculous excuses.

If I wanted to draw a parallel: Yaoi is not Bara for a reason. It’s written by (usually straight) women for (usually straight) women. One of the guys is always feminised. I mean, just look at some of the fan-art, read the dynamics of the stories, it’s so obvious I don’t even know where to start. The whole purpose is for a woman to project on a guy and turn a “gay” relationship—heteronormative. Honestly, if they were at least honest about it, but this “queer-positive, subversive™️ feminist shipping agenda” BS just really makes me want to vomit at this point.

I generally don’t ship at all because shipping simply doesn’t interest me. But I started to ship show!ConstantDream out of spite (and I swear if Constantine were still a guy, it would have been a bigger ship than the one that shan’t be named). You know why? Because I want the people who say “but that’d be a straight relationship” to STFU. She’s been established as bi with a meaningful wLw relationship. It’s the bi-erasure crap I’ve been dealing with all my life. People automatically assume I’m straight, when a m/f relationship with one (or two bi) partner(s) is, and always will be, queer. And my partner is straight, but our relationship is not and never will be anything but queer. The shit we both have to put up with to this very day needs no further explanation. I was in a civil partnership with a woman before. I’m not “curious” or “questioning”, or “really just into guys and need to find the right one to never look at a woman again.” He’s not interested in a “hot threesome with two girls” *winkwinknudgenudge*. I happen to be attracted to both men and women, and whom I have long term relationships with depends on the person, not their gender. And I’m honestly so tired of it all and just feel like, “Yeah, that’s the reason why I, the militant non-shipper, want bi Jo and Dream to be a thing.” So us bi folks actually get some representation at some point that doesn’t turn us straight OR gay and just, for once, gets who and what we are.

I’m too deep into my OC fic at the moment, but apart from the Rachel x Jo one shot, I honestly want to write a Morpheus x Jo fic at some point because out of all the canon characters, she makes me feel seen. The only thing that has put me off so far is how deeply I’d need to get into that whole demon business (unless it’s just a one-shot), and I’m honestly not sure if that’s my thing as a writer, and it scares me a bit.

But yeah: The f/f rare pair fic (established in canon though) that doesn’t involve Dream: 41 hits. OFC x Dream: Well over 5,000 (and that’s nothing in the grand scheme of things because it’s an OC fic, plus it’s not PwP. Yet, it quite clearly shows what we’re talking about here).

But to the people who complain that there are “no interesting female characters and that’s why I have to ship m/m”: In the Sandman, that’s a blatant lie, but there’s always the option to write your own if you can’t find the dynamics you like. You can make it so if you don’t find in canon what you’re looking for. I often don’t either because I usually can’t get over what doesn’t make it work in canon (if it did, they would be an item, but that’s just the way my warped brain operates). And that’s okay, it’s a personal thing, everyone’s different, and it’s not about telling people what they should or shouldn’t like. What annoys me is the thinly disguised inverted misogyny dressed up as “being progressive”. If they were looking for real women who are interesting, there are enough in canon (but they deny they even exist). Or they could write their own if they feel they need different relationship dynamics. But they aren’t looking for real women who are strong yet vulnerable. Who aren’t just the walking trope of either the perpetually weak bunny who willingly submits, or the boss babe who has everything under control, including the guy she’s pegging (of course). They aren’t looking for messy, for flaws and deep humanity, for fucking up spectacularly but also trying. For wanting and being allowed to want for themselves. For wanting to support while also being supported. For having their own life and liking it while also hating it and finding a way through. In one word: Being real (and I’m aware that fiction is often wishful thinking, so maybe that’s the problem?).

They are just looking for two hot guys. And that’s fine, but then please don’t engage in this ridiculous charade. These pretend justifications really get on my nerves. Just own up to the fact that you want to see two guys fuck because you get more of what you’re hot for. *That* would be less inwardly misogynistic than this “feminist” BS in the quote at the start of this post. And that crap is everywhere, and every time I read it, I honestly see red (as one might have gathered). It’s not progressive. It throws us back decades, and I’m well and truly old enough to remember. And yes, I do feel like a broken record at this point because I’ve said all of this before.

Also, and on the topic of metas: I see it every time I write one about the women: The interest is so noticeably lower that you just have to assume people don’t even follow any tags apart from “those ones”. And it’s self-perpetuating because at some point, you just feel like, “Why am I even writing them? I spend time on this that I scarcely have, why even bother if no one cares?” Add to that I’ve been an absolute simp for Morpheus since I was a teenager, and I sometimes really think, “Why not just write about him, it’s so much easier because no one gives a shit about the rest anyway.” It is immensely frustrating. And don’t get me started on posts in general, be they art or meta: Art that isn’t Dream, the one who shan’t be named or a combo of the two is never as interesting to people. Posts that so clearly aren’t about the ship (I mean, people should know by now I don’t ship, and especially not “that one”), and yet, they have to make them about the ship. To the extent that I have to retrospectively, passive-aggressively retag that for once, this isn’t about them riding off into the sunset together, and for once, you could actually read what I’ve written instead of just going for the headline or projecting what you want to see onto what I’ve written. Metas that make my position (and that’s all it is) so very clear, and yet, people pretend I said exactly the opposite of what I said so they can keep on existing in their bubble.

I want everyone to enjoy what they’re enjoying. But the juggernaut already dominates 90% of fandom. It’s on ALL main tags, you can’t “just filter it”. So for once, leave us our 10% (and I’m being generous here) without making them all about what you like as well. I don’t comment on your stuff because I have no desire to make it about me and what I like. I don’t even see it if you have tagged it properly (alas, people don’t). It’s sad enough to make us feel like what we prefer doesn’t matter half of the time (because by extension that means: We, as that part of fandom, don’t really matter either), be that in general or during fandom events. But at least don’t try to steamroll whatever juggernaut-free zone there is left and claim it for yourself as well, because then I honestly start to lose the plot.

It also needs to be said that I have mutuals I love dearly who ship the thing, and they don’t engage in any of this crap and haven’t completely lost their ability to reflect. But from time to time, the shit just clogs the drain because there’s so much of it at once, and I need to clean out the pipe. Sorry (but also not sorry) that happened here…

As an actual irl dyke, a certified Lesbian, I fuck with the m/f Sandman crowd, the Morphienne and the CocoRose and the Cocoluce, the Dreamuse folks a million times before I'd fuck with any person who puts out or reblogs one post about how Lucienne and/or Rose and/or Gault is a Lesbian/Bi Icon Yaaas Queen Work Slay and then proceeds to give the other 99% of their attention to the same two or three dudes and those pairs over and over and clearly has no deeper thought or real interest in the personality relationships or inner lives of these ladies.