#perhaps i should procrastinate after book 5

[fandom-shit-i-like]

i finished tgcf book 4!!! i started it on march 13, and procrastinated reading it for one day because i don’t want the series to end haha

it really flew by, i love this series so much

[chosos-mascara]

all my love, suguru

chapter 5

summary: after an unexpected night spent with your close friend, you find yourself pregnant, and unable to tell him so. will you be able to come to terms with this news, or will it destroy the delicate relationship you’d had left?

chapter warnings: mentions of declining mental health (suguru), general angst, secret pregnancy/child

masterlist

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30 months before

"I have something I wanted to talk to you about." You're watching him at his desk as you walk into his classroom, closing the door meekly behind you. The sickness coupled with this anxiety is overwhelming; exhausting. You're roughly ten weeks along, your first scan recently booked for two weeks time, all while Suguru is none the wiser to your current condition.

He's grading papers from a recent mock exam, and it's apparent he's much more interested in the stacks before him than you as his eyes barely rise, the red marker still between his fingers. You sigh. "Suguru, did you hear me?" He looks up from the reports, bags dark beneath his eyes. You pause in your actions as you mull over his expression. "Are you okay?" There's that concern you had for him that night, back again. You wonder if he realises that, too. Or perhaps you were only procrastinating by creating some sort of conversation, though it's better to open with something like this, isn't it?

"Sorry, what's up?" Suguru acts casual, but he can't deny that your visit is just adding to the mounds of stress he feels in this moment. He doesn't have the energy to pour into conversation, he can barely read these student's scrawny handwriting. "I was wondering if we could talk?" You begin to walk closer with some hesitance, stopping at his desk. He looks up at you, and finally puts that pen down.

"What about?" He's nervous. "Well, I just..." You trail off, your chest heavy. Your hands are shaking, even with one placed over the other. They're clammy, and god, you feel so sick. "That night, when we..." Again, you're not able to finish your sentence, instead averting your gaze to the wall and swallowing. "Listen," Suguru stands, and when you look back to him, you frown. "I don't think we should pursue anything." 

You stand in silence for a few moments; he's completely missed the mark. Raising your hands, you shake your head, trying to gesture to him that this wasn't what you'd intended, but it's lost on him when he continues.

"It was a misjudgement, I didn't consider how this could impact our lives, and for that I apologise." You stare wide eyed. You couldn't tell him how yes, this really has impacted your life, because you realise now how wrong this would go. This truly was a secret you'd have to bring to the grave, because you're sure he'd never speak to you again either way.

"You're right, I'm sorry." It's weak, and all you manage to push out.

Suguru feels reams of guilt when he watches your head bow, hearing quiet, defeated words from your lips. He's lying to himself if he truly believes this is for the best, because no one makes him feel quite how you do.

He replays that memory most nights, wondering if he should have given you a chance - he didn't even let you get a word out before he was pushing you away. He spent years wishing he'd done something different, wondering if anything would change if only he'd had opportunity to speak to you again.

He thinks of that memory when he's walking to Yaga's office, opening the door to be met with you.

Suguru thinks he's finally lost it, because why, after two and a half years would you be here, sitting at Yaga's desk like you'd never really left? His hands are brought upward to rub into his eyes, and he blinks once, twice, squeezing them closed before finally focusing back upon your seated frame. You're definitely there, you're definitely real. 

Suguru hadn't even noticed the child sat to your left until moments later, a small doll between her hands, her hair worn in a short ponytail. He doesn't linger over her presence for long though, because he's drawn back to you.

The door had clicked open moments ago and you had prepared yourself for Suguru's berating, though seconds tick by, and no words come. You're still sat in silence beside your daughter and opposite your old boss after a minute's pass, still an empty seat at your right. You know he's shocked by his hesitance to enter, but the suspense is only twisting the knife embedded into you upon his entry. In this limbo, you're left to ruminate on every doubt that had grown over the past few years, on every bad decision you've made leading up to now. 

Finally, after a minute or so of deliberating, Suguru decides to discern the reason for this meeting, and uses his curiosity as encouragement to come and sit in that empty chair.

You've no alleviation from his stare even when he's seated. He's taking you in, the new you, the mature you, still contemplating his sanity as he wonders if you're just a fragment of his madness. There's still an internal struggle while he wonders why you're here, and what this could possibly have to do with him. Suguru does manage to voice a few words through his turmoil, ever downplaying his mental state with his relaxed tone. 

"I thought you left jujutsu society?" 

His voice still feels like honey in your ears, his presence beside you causing your skin to prickle with cold, goosebumps breaking the surface. Eyes that had been glued to Yaga's desk finally lift, and you turn your head to face him after all of this time. Brown eyes greet you, purple bags weighing the skin down. The glint of hope that Suguru could forgive you begins to ebb, your lips tightening. 

"I did." Your answer rings true, at least. Your eyes falter when you can't take his gaze any longer, instead averting to sit at his lips, then shoulders. He looks the same as always, but his aura feels different. There's sombreness to him now, and you blame yourself for leaving. 

"Should we begin?" Yaga clears his throat uncomfortably, and you're reminded of his presence. You nod with deep reluctance, removing your sight from the man that still holds a place in your heart. "Geto," Yaga begins, and you focus on your breaths. This is it, it's really happening. "You're being assigned a special case; a new student." He gestures toward your Keiko, and Suguru leans forward so he can look past you, his emotionless expression interrupted by disgust. 

"She's a toddler?" His disapproval is thick. "Yaga, are you insane?" Suguru remembers the last person assigned to his care, and her untimely death. This was no world for a child, it was barely a world for him, either. Everyone seems to get on with their lives after witnessing tragedies, and he still doesn't understand how. He has never been left unscathed by the things he's seen, but he's sure to handle those massacres better than a child who would stand at his knee's height. 

Yaga peers to you behind his glasses, and you can feel the luxury of your silence ending. 

"She's at risk if she doesn't learn to harness her cursed energy." You speak, praying for his compliance. "I don't want her to get hurt, Suguru." 

Suguru stares at your expression, looking up, and down as he processes your words among the many racing thoughts he houses. Who was this child to you, why would you care? But after all these years he's brewed upon his actions, paired with the fact he can stare into you and see nothing but kindness and care, his objection merges into something else. 

He doesn't speak, but he doesn't have to, because you've already seen it on his face. He'll help. 

"Thank you." Your words of gratitude are genuine, and they're spoken to him with care. It feels a bit like you're the only two people in the room, studying the other with a sense of longing. He swallows back the old feelings that are trying to push through, and turns to face Yaga once more.

Throughout this meeting Suguru glances to that girl, a question pushing the back of his mind. Who was she to you?

Keiko's in bed when he knocks. At first, you're spooked by the sound and your cursed energy is focused into your fist, though looking through the peephole eases your fears. Your flame dissipates, and you open, not sure what to expect from your night-time visitor.

"What're you doing here?" There's a small dip in your voice. "It's late." You try and mask your unease, though he's able to read you like a book.

"That evening, before you left - what were you going to tell me?" 

When you look closer you realise Suguru's hair is loose, strays floating out from his bun, a redness at his ears from where he'd been toying with the lobes. It doesn't take you long to realise what he's referencing, and you open the door wider. You have to accept your fate, that it's now, or never. "Come, take a seat." 

Those are words Suguru didn't want to hear. Since your meeting, he's been asking himself the same question, who is this child? And why should Suguru of all people be summoned to teach her, when he's sure Satoru would've not only volunteered himself, but been better at the job in every way? 

Then he thought about her hair colour, and how he didn't get to catch her face. The timelines, the fact she's staying with you - the pregnancy test. He kicks himself for not questioning you at the time, and for dwelling over these surely disconnected details, until he thought to that afternoon, when he shut you down with haste. He thought about your body language, and how stupid he was to assume that's what you were going to suggest, how self centred he'd been the entire time. 

He sits down quickly with his heart feeling about to leap out of his mouth, a warmth coddling his ears. 

"A few weeks after we slept together, I realised I was late." You start from the beginning as you stand opposite him. You can't look at his face, arms crossed, you stare at his feet. "I wanted to tell you that evening, but you made it clear you didn't want anything else, and I got cold feet." 

His anxiety fades, morphing into a feeling he can't quite place his finger on. It might be that in this moment, Suguru can truly say he's experiencing heartbreak, and the repercussions of his own actions. If he'd have just checked up on you, things would've gone so differently.  "I have a child?" He speaks slowly, unsure of himself. It doesn't feel like it's sinking in, those words don't feel as if they are describing his own life.

"She's yours." Your confirmation sends prickles over his skin. Your things are still mostly in boxes, though there's a photo you've already set out beside the TV, one that you pick up and hand to him. It's you and Keiko, taken on her 2nd birthday. You'd had to celebrate alone, but you decorate anyway, a big '2' balloon within the background. She's smiling, her baby teeth showing while cuddled into your side. It'd taken a while to get a good photo with her, standing your phone on the couch and using the timer function, though after a few you had come out with this one. It was perfect. 

Suguru holds the frame between his fingers, looking at the little girl beside you. She looked a lot like him, the same eyes, the same shade of hair, but she housed your smile. Tears clouded his vision as he wonders how he's missed out on two years with someone he should've been there for, he's missed so much already. 

"Why did you come here?" Suguru asks, a warmth rolling over his cheek.  "She inherited your technique." You swallow. "A few weeks ago, we came into contact with a curse, but before I was able to exercise it, she ingested it, just like you. A few days after that, she was witnessed by a grade three, and we were called upon by the higher-ups." 

"I never wanted this for her, Suguru. I just wanted to watch her grow through normal means - I know it was a lot to wish for, but she's my baby. I can't bare to picture her dead in some ditch after they rinse her of everything she has." 

"I'll refuse to teach her." He's desperate through his tears, mind racing. "Then they'll just find someone else. There's really no point, unless you're really adverse."

"Why couldn't you have just told me?" He talks as if his words are sapping his lifeforce, and you only watch as he slumps forward, heartbroken and confused. That guilty feeling has hit a new high. "Same reason you shut me out after that night - I was scared, and decided it was better to leave than to face what we did." It's wrong to defend your actions, they should be unforgivable. But, Suguru doesn't seem to put much energy into his disgust with you, because he's just too upset. "I've missed out on two years of my child's life, that's not the same." His hands shake, whether it's rage or distress, he can't tell.

"I'm so sorry." You bow your head, ashamed. "I was so scared, please forgive me." Suguru looks up at you, a heavy breath on his lips. It's not as if you hadn't tried to tell him; he'd practically shunned you. It wasn't fair to give you all the blame, even if it would save his sanity. "Do you wanna meet her?"

"Keiko, baby." She's clutching a small bear against her chest when she walks through the door, rubbing her eyes. The small girl's brown hair is a little messy, and she's still in a pair of cutesy pink pyjamas. "I want you to meet someone." You voice to her slowly while holding her little hand, your heart racing. There's no textbook answer when it comes to difficult parenting decisions, and uncomfortable situations. How do you tell a two year old they have a father in which they've never met?

Suguru's reluctant to look at the doorway when he hears you two coming through. This is the biggest moment of his life, meeting his child, his heartrate reflects this in it's unforgiving pace, his breaths leaving him before he's ready to breathe back in. He'll have to count down, he thinks, to force himself to look at his kin - there's no way he can surely meet her eye otherwise. Five seconds and he'll look, four now. Three, and he's sweating, shaking at two, swallowing harshly before he counts one, eyes forced from their spot over the floorboards to flicker up at the little girl standing at her mother's side.

God, it feels like nothing on this planet has ever mattered to Suguru, because in those brown eyes, there's so much innocence. He can feel his heart melt as he recognises so much of himself in her, his DNA, used to build such a perfect daughter with the cutest version of his character. Her huge, wide eyes, cute roundish nose - but her lips are all you. 

This child is a part of him he didn't know existed, a jigsaw piece melded to fit right within his chest. There's some kind of primal urge to protect her at all costs, to hold her closely, which is why Suguru finds himself at his knees with open arms in search of her comfort, to have his forbearing body embraced by his entire world. A child he'd never known is suddenly the key to his happiness, because she is everything he isn't.

"Hi." He wants to say more, yet a million words couldn't describe how he feels. Suguru can't decide on what to say, so instead settles with that small greeting. She smiles at him nonetheless, and you watch as his eyes soften, a smile over his lips.  "Hello." Her voice is small, much like her stature, and she's still sleepy. Suguru puts a hand over her shoulder, and you find yourself overcome with a grin you can't hide. Despite your anxieties, you know Suguru will love her as much as you do.

"Remember I told you about your daddy? This is him." You're gentle, and you're not sure she'll understand entirely, only seeing that family dynamic on films and tv shows. You'd told her a few times she has a daddy, though she's never seemed all too interested beyond that confirmation. Though she stares at him wide eyed, a smile growing over her cheeks. 

"Daddy!" She repeats, and Suguru has to stop himself from breaking apart at that name. When he'd felt hopeless, weak and depressive, so many times he wondered if his existence would ever improve. Whether he'll be anything more than a sorcerer for jujutsu society to rinse, toss into battle and bury when things grew too difficult. He's grown to be Satoru's friend and not much more.

But with this child before him, he sees some form of light. There's a reason for him to keep going, because he doesn't want his girl to feel anything he's endured. He looks to you for the first time since laying his eyes on her, to your watery eyes, and his heart feels disgustingly full. This is what he's been missing out on. 

a/n: sooo this is it. i hope it met your expectations, honestly i really wanted to put more into this ending and i feel i could've done better, but life has been such a whirlwind as of late. i think this is the last post i'll make before finding myself on a hiatus, so think of this fic as a semi-good-bye. thank you so much for all of the love i have received, it truly means the world!

tags-

 @hojoslutoru  @itztamar @magey0412 @strflp  @kaeyakaikai @animeisforkings @emikisses @boredwithwrath @karazorel7 @tomiokasecretlover @mrsoharaa @magey0412 @thisbicc @aemiliabruno @zenys @sukunaspillow @caixgee @ssetsuka @pinkpunkdynamite @harlamarie @cephei-ea @dazailover1900

[mediaevalmusereads]

The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. By Julia Cameron. Putnam, 1992.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Genre: self help

Series: N/A

Summary: The Artist’s Way is the seminal book on the subject of creativity. An international bestseller, millions of readers have found it to be an invaluable guide to living the artist’s life. Still as vital today—or perhaps even more so—than it was when it was first published one decade ago, it is a powerfully provocative and inspiring work. In a new introduction to the book, Julia Cameron reflects upon the impact of The Artist’s Way and describes the work she has done during the last decade and the new insights into the creative process that she has gained. Updated and expanded, this anniversary edition reframes The Artist’s Way for a new century.

***Full review below***

Content Warnings: references to bullying/alcoholism/suicide/death/etc.

Since this book is non-fiction, my review will be structured a little different than normal.

Also as a disclaimer: I read the original 1992 edition, not the updated one. I also am not reviewing the accompanying workbook, which is available but not necessary.

I picked this book up after randomly coming across a TikTok singing its praises. Many of my readers might not know that I draw and write, and lately, I've been feeling creatively blocked. I was looking for a way to get myself going again, so I gave this a try.

Overall, there were a lot of things I liked about this book. I really appreciated that it was written in an accessible style, with Cameron using prose that felt both instructional and motivational. The book was also very clear about what it was asking readers to do, why they should do it, and the eventual goal. For example, the first thing this book asks is that the reader write "morning pages" - essentially a journal entry each day. Cameron claims that these pages help people silence their inner critic, and there are some benefits to journaling when it comes to processing emotion.

I also liked that Cameron was very direct with affirmations and made very clear that everyone, no matter skill level, was worthy of being creative. This book doesn't claim to train people to produce "good art," but rather, it helps people overcome barriers that prevent them from trying in the first place. Thus, this book is applicable not just to painters or visual artists, but to writers, filmmakers, dancers, actors - anything that requires creativity.

Finally, I think the exercises in this book resemble a lot of techniques discussed in DBT (therapy), so they are somewhat rooted in scientific merit. The morning pages and affirmations, for example, resemble some advice and strategies I've received from my own therapist, so it makes sense that they'd be useful for building confidence, giving yourself permission to create, etc.

However, this book asks readers to put a lot of faith in the idea of an intelligent universe. Cameron frequently uses the word "God" despite saying that the reader doesn't need to believe in a higher power to get something out of this book. Additionally, she makes the claim that if you merely give yourself permission, the Universe will present you with opportunities. Personally, I found this reliance on intelligent design and serendipity to be a turn off. I initially tried to be open-minded, but the more I read, the more I felt like the key to becoming unblocked was to tap into this vision of the world.

This book also has some advice that seems misguided. For example, in one chapter, Cameron says that to jump start creativity, one should go a week without reading - no class assignments, no emails, nothing. She says that she has had numerous college classes and jobs where she could wriggle out of doing assigned tasks, so the reader should be able to do the same. Personally, I found this to be bad advice because it does not acknowledge that some people might literally be fired or fail a class if the procrastination is too severe.

TL;DR: The Artist's Way has some useful exercises and is built on concepts that form the cornerstone of DBT. While this 12 week self-guided course may help some, it also may turn others away due to its over-reliance on the concept of "God" and an intelligent universe.

[simpingwriter]

Cal Kestis x Kyra Yarmot

'Revenge and Redemption:

In the Name of Love'

Pt.5

___________________

I got nothing to add to my laziness and procrastination today, wait I do.

I spent 4 hours being distracted by an Adult Coloring Book instead of finishing this early :)

Enjoy! :)

Word Count: approx. 4.167 Words

___________________

You left the now shared living quarters, head snapping left and right to perhaps be lucky and spy one of these Commission Troopers ahead of time, turning up with empty hands as you – instead of listening to Cal first – walk down the hallway of the Inquisitor Floor. Against your initial beliefs, the floor was much bigger than just the donut shaped outlay of the living quarters. Makers, it's been ages you had a good Donut bun-

Focus, Kyra.

"We can go to the canteen after we went to the Commission, okay?" Right, he heard that, of course he did. Somehow that's worse than hearing someone's growling stomach: Hearing someone drift off to think about their inhuman, feral hunger for fatty snacks…

"Why? It's more human than you think. And while we are at it, your idea about donut buns made me hungry too!" Human? You’re the farthest from human, but maybe…it made you seem more human? "That's what I meant, dragonfly!" He laughs, catching up with you so he doesn't have to shout through the hallway anymore and possibly cause another fight in them. Last week got him and another Inquisitor into enough trouble already. While it was nothing more than play fighting…really.

"I doubt that." "Of course you wou- wait."

Some slow beeps around the next corner stopped Cal in his sentence and for a moment you thought he was scared to get caught by a Droid. "No, not that. That sounds like one of the…yes! It's a Commission Droid!" Do they work as well? Wondering how you should intimidate a Droid of all things, a heavily programmed one unlike BD at that, you follow him around the corner.

It was a black Astro-Mech and makers did you find these models annoying…

Your master had one of these follow him everywhere but apparently it was legally karking blind! You lost count of the times that stupid bucket could've ran you over had you not realized it coming closer every time.

"You had an Astromech? I always wanted one!" "Trust me, not worth the pain…clunky pieces of shit." Your foot went out in reflex, Cal instinctively dodging to the side as you kicked the lower body of the Droid, hard. It immediately went into what you would call "Panicking Screams" whenever your Master's one fell over or something. Karking banthashit…

"Tell me where the Commission Center or a Commission Trooper is and I won't kick you again!"

Unresponsive as it was too busy to scream and beep some more…

Was this going to be the first instance of you torturing someone, a maker's be damned DROID? Because you sure were moments away from...kark it. The bucket gets it now.

Holding it by the top to stop it from rolling away, you sent another, quite personal, kick with a sneer. "Talk or break. I will make sure that they won't be able to fix you back up either!" That at least stilled the Droid in its rattling shaking, probably because it is still so self-assured that they would just repair its hull and everything else if it got destroyed. Not on your watch.

Can't repair something when you can't recognize what it even was, could you now?

"Last chance." You tell it ominously as Cal had to turn away, body heaving…he was trying to hold back his laugh. Was it that funny to see you argue with some metal? After all, you and BD did so regularly!

"Because you drew more personality out of these things than anyone else yet. I have NEVER seen one of them look or sound genuinely scared, it probably would pee if it coul-"

Oil leak...

Couldn't Cal keep that thought to himself? But you ended up laughing as well as you grab the Astromech on both sides of its round head, keeping it from turning rapidly, your open crooked grin, your wide eyes, the fangs and your almost maniac laugh probably the scariest thing it has seen in its insignificant lifespan.

"Karking TELL ME-" 'Trooper #49669E is stationed on Floor 20, Area 25G! A Commission Trooper!...please…spare…me'

Shouting worked out in the end, unlike Master Tegra tried to teach you. With some dark oil sticking to your new boots now, leaving an odd sticky sound whenever you lift your feet to walk. Small prices one has to pay…

"I don't think I can forget this interaction for a while, that was hilarious for some reason. Who the hell shouts at an object like that?!" Cal snickers, shaking his head as you both returned the same way you came from, past your rooms and to the same pair of elevators from yesterday. "What was I supposed to do? It's not like it would've told me just like that…" Cal said Commissions weren't allowed to be placed by anyone so- "Well he might've…" He mumbles, hoping you wouldn't hear it, but unfortunately for him the Kaluk have pretty good hearing. "And you just let me go on like that? Look at my boots!"

Yeah, the oil spill was probably your biggest problem of everything that just happened. You didn't really care much for Droids themselves, BD-1 wa- is one of the few special exceptions. He is much more than a Droid to you, he is family. Part of your thrown together but nearly perfect small family.

"You think of us as family…?" He inquired hesitantly, like it was difficult for him to belief, when he had pushed the elevator button to the Floor the Droid told you two. It wasn't directly on tour, you would have to get out on the 10th Floor to walk to the Elevators that actually went to the 20th. You hated such maze-like structures, how could you possibly coordinate this all while perhaps…drunk? Did this Base even have shit to drink?

"You're the closest people I have left overall and you are my mate. I would love to call you two my family if you're comfortable wit-" "Of course I am!" He reacts loudly, clearly worried that his question might've been taken in the wrong way.

"I told you before…before I left, that I want to give you a place to make your dream and goal come true. Your dreams are now also mine by extension. I will do everything so we can be the family you wish for. WE wish for…" He really had a way with sweet words, if he wanted to, lovingly caressing your waist through the black uniform as he steered you both towards the next elevator. His answer made you feel a kind of feeling you always looked forward to when around him. At ease, hopeful…reminding you that your life wasn't at a dead end with where you are now.

You're only at the beginning of your life, so young and ready to finally enjoy it like it's supposed to be. Even if in the ranks of another organization, but someday you would find independence for yourself…and your new found, hopefully growing, family.

Passing a few normal Troopers and Purge Troopers, the first of the two not usually stationed here and just on the way through basically, from what Cal explained to you while on your way to the area the Commission Trooper is supposed to be at.

25G, 25G…25…G! Found it!

And the Trooper was an even easier find, Cal pointing out their black armor usually with Yellow Shoulder Pads instead of the same black as the rest. He was working on his holopad – probably writing down a request he was given by one of the Droids that just turned a corner – as you approached him from behind, clearing your throat behind him. It caught him off guard badly enough that he almost dropped his pad before turning around.

Had he not worn his helmet, you would've sworn his eyes became wide as saucers when he realized which kind of two people stood in front of him, your own unique Uniforms sticking out in between all the normal ones around you. Especially between the white ones of the researchers on this Floor. Where you near the medical center?

"Eleventh Brother! Twelfth Sister! W-what can I do for you?!" Skittish creature, maybe he is just as new as you?

But that couldn't stop you from your mission, to get your hands on the tools and parts Cal needed. That BD needed.

"We need to request something from the Droid Repair and Maintenance Bay, if they don't have it, we need it from somewhere else ASAP." You try it the normal way this time, eyeing Cal after just a few minutes ago with the Droid, him oh so casually telling you that it could've worked without-

"Oh…I'm very sorry. I can only accept such Commission requests from Maintenance Staff." And to your ears, it almost sounded...smug. Smug that HE, a mere Trooper, was allowed to deny his superiors…

You didn't come here to let people continue to walk all over you! This was supposed to finally be the point were people respected you!

"Who said that is an option? There are two. But this isn't one of them, #49669E…" you growl the last part ominously as you close the gap between you and him. He was taller than Cal as well, a bit broader too. But that didn't intimidate you. It had to be something of a whole different type and size to effectively put respect in you.

He seemed taken back when you knew of his "name" just like that, obviously still unaware of your encounter with the Droid as he backed up many more steps, ending up against the nearest wall as you sneered in fresh anger building up. Weakling.

"Are you threa- " "Yes I am, in fact." What took a lot of concentration for others was barely more than you reaching out lazily towards him and slightly closing your palm, imagining your actual fist wrap around his throat as he was already sliding up the wall he accidentally trapped himself against. Cal could only watch with his mouth agape, not an ounce of struggle on your face as you began to exert more and more force on the Trooper.

"Send our request right NOW or I'll let you suffer until your Very. Last. Breath. THOSE are your two options." He had just about enough space left within his throat to groan a feeble 'Okay', but for some reason, it didn't make you ease up on this…weak, fragile…useless body…

You could end him right n-

"I think this is enough, Twelfth Sister. #49669E has agreed to sending the request."

You could just make the request yourself, snatch the HoloPad from his corpse-

"Kyra, I said stop!" His tight grip pulling at your raised arm and the familiar scent of him being so close pulled you from wherever you just went, feeling the near graspable darkness at the corners of your eyes recede until you saw clearly again. You let go of the Trooper almost immediately as you saw him struggle against you, helmet clunking against the metal walls. What just happened to you…

Noticing your questioning thoughts and that you weren't fully there to tell the Trooper yourself, he took over for you now.

"Listen to her and place the request for the things on this list. The room number is on the other side of the paper. Let anyone know of this or leave even one thing out and we will return, just that I won't stop her a second time." As threatening as his words were, unlike you Cal was calm and collected, clearly more used to the power he now held with his new position. You had always been at the short end of the stick despite your significant difference in strength towards the ones basically abusing their authority over you, so having so much freedom and authority to yourself now was probably overwhelming you greatly.

"Come, we're done here." Was everything he needed to say for you to really come back to him, eyeing him confused. But you only opened your mouth once far enough away from all the commotion and you waited for the elevator to come back to your floor.

"What just happened to me, Cal…I…it felt so weird. I had full control over myself, I swear. But…" "You're going to get used to it. Easier than me as well, I know you will, even the Grand Inquisitor said it. You're stronger mentally too, not just physically." He didn't say it out loud, but he let you know silently what he meant with that.

He meant the Dark Side of the Force…

Eventually you had to learn how to use it without losing yourself to it, truly master the balance you were planned to get taught by your Master before shit hit the fan. And it wouldn't be easy, as there are barely any books that talk about it even being possible, that there was no way to use the Dark Side to such extent as your powers without succumbing to it.

You would teach them differently, you would show everyone the mistake they made when they found you as disposable, as just another pawn in THEIR games…

One day has passed since then, when Cal reacts to a robotic pre-recorded message at the "front door" of his living quarters. It was a Delivery Droid with a huge load of tools and parts behind him, beeping an apology for the early disturbance but that he technically he asked for it to be delivered as soon as possible. And 2 in the morning was as soon as possible for droids that don't sleep.

"Fine, fine. Here, I signed it. Now go…" Cal grumbles tiredly, pushing the button to shut his door once more, leaving the Droid standing there unbothered. You barely fell out of bed yet when he poked his head back into the bedroom, pulling his eyebrows up when he saw you struggle with the blanket.

He thought about asking if you needed help with that, but he could imagine the answer he would get, 'It’s just a blanket, I'm good!'...only that you needed two minutes to get your claws unstuck. Cal wondered how long it would take for you to ruin that blanket fully. But he wouldn't care, you could request those as often as you wanted. Theoretically, from your sleepless speculations near karking midnight, you two could have ordered as many as to fill the whole room, but that would've definitely caused whispers on the Base with such an odd Commission.

"Better…okay, show me what the Droid dragged in." He dragged all that heavy stuff in, but okay- "It's a saying, Cal!" You laugh at his confusion, blush rising to his cheeks as he realized that he had just been jealous of a karking Delivery Droid while that wasn't even what you meant.

"That's what happens when you immediately expect actual usable thoughts from me after waking up, damn…" He now began to laugh at it as well, shaking his head while he tucked you into the living room and to the entrance where two FULL boxes of packages stood.

"Got a bit of a shopping problem?" You inquire with a barely hidden grin, Cal muttering a 'shut it' with a less hidden smile, gently pushing your shoulder. "Help me check the inventory? Once we can be sure it's everything, I can start." Start to repair and bring back BD…

In an instant, you sat down on your ass with the first pack in your claws, using the rest of their cutting strength to cut – well its more ripping now – the tape open with "ease" while Cal went over to the kitchen first, returning with a small knife before he followed you suit and sat down next to you, side by side.

Ten minutes passed and for the Trooper's luck, it was actually everything Cal had put on his list. So nothing stopped him from almost stumbling and falling while running into the small closet he showed you around just a day ago.

"What can I help? I don't just want to watch!" You were hot on his tail, ironically nearly pulling over one of the nightstands with your actual tail being excited and all over the floor as it was sure BD wouldn't stay that way forever now. "Hmm, can you sharpen your claws with this? While I got a vibro-cutter, you're way more accurate with literal knives attached to your fingers…" Well, yes you could – you eyed the high-grade sanding kit he just held out to you – but for an actual good "end-product" you would take a bit…what if he needed it soon?

"I need you to cut the fresh plating later, so you have all the time in the world. Isn't sharpening your claws like self care as well?" Oh it is, you felt…off…with your way too blunted down claws, as they barely cut anything without enough pressure and strength on your swings, stabs and hits. Now they were nothing more than…long, incredibly hard nails. Like those of the girls you once watched dance in a weird place on Belsavis...

"I will call you in immediately when I need your help with something else ahead of time, I promise." You know he would, Cal…Cal kept his promises. No matter how long it sometimes took to keep them, he still did. He saved you…

"Yes, okay. I'm over on the couch with the sanding kit." You grabbed the small tool kit he ordered specifically for you, he just told you. Long before you woke up on the Infirmary, he got it ready for you since he knew about your grooming needs, regularly having watched you go through all the procedures needed to look 'presentable' again.

Meaning sanding down, sharpening, buffing and applying a high-caring balm to your claws and claw-beds. Or to stand in front of the mirror to also do the same with your horns, but less intensely. They weren't supposed to cut through steel but be able to impale…objects…without trouble if needed.

What he never got to see for himself, because you had to upkeep the illusion that you're not more than friends, was when you went to moisture your scaly body parts, especially your face with the small more sensitive scales. Or washing and caring for your wings after missions, the membranes required extremely high moisture to stay as flexible and stretchy as they are. But too much could cause Wing Mold.

He once asked you how your ancestors – so the actual primal ancestors, not those of the "modern era" on Rhothant – took care of all that without all these fabricated products available to them. For obvious reasons, you had no explicit answer for that but concluded that it was probably with the use of the various plants growing on the Planet. As it wasn't a rocky, dead planet before the Republic came and took their freedom. From some books, you took that Rhothant had been an incredibly lush and thriving planet once. But when the sentient life on it disappeared, so did the energy of the planet, it appeared.

You're an hour into "claw care", listening to the Radio of the HoloScreen at the Living Room wall when you hear Cal's voice calling for you.

The vibro-file is thrown aside as you jump over the couch's back, way too eager to know how to help your mate and his best buddy. "Yes Cal? Can I help?" Barely dodging the blanket still lying on the floor as you stop in front of the open closet, only seeing Cal's back as he is slouched over the workbench. "I need your nimble, little fingers, love." He grumbles, irritated at something in front of him so you quickly press yourself next to him to look at what the problem was.

BD looked much more his normal size when Cal took off the broken and crushed plating to fix his insides. But he also looked kinda...naked.

"All in due time, my dragonfly. Here, first this though. Can you please try and get the cables to poke out from his two legs again? They slipped down and my tools are all too big…" Nodding, you took the two limbs from him carefully, leaving the closest to give him the needed space once more. Once on the bed, you focused on the first leg, the one with his Scomp Link. How did Cal manage to get the cable so stuck?

"I was too hectic, pushed it down further instead of pulling it…"

Oh Cal...

Carefully sliding your middle finger all the way into the slimming out metal casting, dodging other electrical parts, you manage to "grasp" the fringed cable end, well you just pushed it up against the opposite wall of the cast and pushed it up. Can't call that a secure grasp. But it worked well, soon greeting you with a green silicone wrapped cable and you quickly did the same with the other limb. You hand them back to Cal, curiously watching some more over his back as you look for the metal he would use for his new covers. "How are the claws coming along?" "Well, they could probably cut through the base again, in case of a fit of anger…but not yet at their sharpest, maybe a few minutes for the finishing touches?"

After that, you would wield one of the sharpest objects in the Galaxy – that wasn't a lightsaber – again. Kaluk Claws were a…prized…object around the Galaxy as far as the book went to tell you. And you swore you even saw a person having a claw as a necklace once. You were incredibly sure it was a Kaluk Claw…the marks where similar to yours.

"Can you help me with the cutting afterwards? The cables and the connection were surprisingly barely damaged, just crushed together under the old case."

"Of course, Firecrotch." You turned around too quickly to see his physical reaction at the reuse of the forbidden nickname, holding back a snicker when you heard him groan at it. You loved how you could pull all kinds of reactions from the ginger, ranging from happiness to annoyance. But of course making him blush was still your favorite, he did so rarely, it was a true treat.

It passed nearly a full day when Cal felt accomplished enough that you knew he was finished, joining him again in the stuffy closet to look at his work, something he refused to abandon once he started. You had already helped various times with welding the cables during that, learned quite some things about a scrappers life and job – Cal became talkative when someone shows actual interest in something specific of his life, ready to tell you ALL about it – and generally had been able to watch BD slowly but surely look more like his old self.

"The casing looks much better than I expected it at first, did you sand it with the kit as well?" He hums with a nod, squinting at the charging pad he must've kept from the Mantis. While BD was able to recharge without it, having "slept" nearly everywhere by now, it was definitely a quicker job. It looked a lot like the charging port of the small Cleaner Droid that usually zips around the floor here. A small, disk shaped one that wasn't as intelligent or sentient as the rest of the Droid Models, it was literally just there to vacuum dirt on the ground.

You called it Cleanobi for affectionate and sentimental reasons…

Cal did not get behind the naming reason yet, just thinking you had really odd naming conventions for Droids.

BD though was different, to you he had been probably one of the most intelligent, logical and emotional, Droids to cross your life's path. The other had been a blue R2 Series astromech dragged along by that Jedi that told you his lifestyle while getting wasted…

"I think he looks amazing, you think he would like me to paint his casing new after all this?"

While he silently agreed to him probably enjoying that. Cal frowns at your question, clearly something he wanted to avoid but what- "I don't know if his memories are still fully intact. The data chip supposed to hold them looked fine, but crashes like that have shown to erase data…" What…BD was fixed and he still…he could still be beyond saving? After all the time you two put into his repair…it could be all in vain.

Cal was evidently avoiding your gaze now, feeling the same as you as he fiddled with the last bits on the Droid's body, specifically where he would charge himself later on. "We can't know for certain…all I can do is power him on and we'll see…" His mood was lower now than a few moments ago, catching up rapidly on your mood after he realized just how horrible such a possibility would be. It didn't dare cross his thoughts before, but now it flooded him. They were louder than all his other thoughts, making everything else in there unreadable to you as he leaned onto the workbench, fists clenched around the corners and tears threatening to spill.

You couldn't leave him in this mood, BD wouldn't want that either! "Cal, wasn't it you who said we have to believe in him?" For a moment his grip only tightened at your question before he let go of the workbench entirely, sighing with a nod. "You're right. I did. He wouldn't leave us like this…"

Pressing a quite hard to reach button at the bottom of small droid's head, antennas still lowered and unpowered during that, it quickly changed when the panel at the back of BD's head began to light up again, also activating the antennas now. Well, at least you two managed to actually make him work again, a clear struggle in the first few hours when Cal kept messing up with the right cables and chips because they had been so tiny. He was used to taking things apart not to put them back together when he was still a scrapper!

"Please, please, please…" you both chant at the same time, watching the initial start up of his program, the replaced optics moving around to adjust, shortly…stopping on you two…before the Droid monotonously continued calibrating the new attachments for two minutes, keeping the suspension way up there for you and Cal.

Then, he stood still, looking at you both silently…

"B-BD?" Cal asks, genuinely worried now, seeing as there is no reaction at all. He just stared at his ginger friend now…probably expecting nothing but orders...

'Cal?'

___________________

[studythenight-away]

Hello! As finals season (aka 5-research-papers-due-in-a-week season) dawns on many of you, I thought I would share the process I used to write papers in college. This made writing long research papers much less daunting (but can also work on shorter papers). I really hope this helps some of you who feel stuck. Especially during these ridiculous times, when you're stuck at home and might have other uncontrollable factors affecting your mental health, a clear framework of what to do could be helpful. Good luck, my friends! You got this.

About me

I graduated college in 2018 with degrees in Political Science + International Studies and will be starting law school this fall. I wrote nearly 20 15 to 25-page papers, never earning below an A. I loved researching about my topics but hated writing. It's tedious, takes so much time, and everything I write sounds bad at first. Plus, I was a terrible procrastinator so most of these essays were written in under a week. Talk about stress.

Over time I found a process that worked for me, one that made churning out a paper seem straightforward, like going through a factory line rather than this terrifying concept of writing 10,000 words. It kept me sane without decreasing the quality of my work (or more importantly, how much I learned!) 

I'm thinking about making a short video to show this in action… let me know if that could be helpful!

Step 1: Research

How you organize your research is a key step in keeping you sane. Usually I'll have a pile of 20 books in my dorm along with dozens of JSTOR tabs open on my laptop, and that can get overwhelming very fast. Right now just focus on collecting ideas, not developing an argument or even an outline! As with most research papers, you could be starting with little to no background information on the topic, so it is still too early to be thinking about an argument.

Put all your research in one document

Open up a new doc: this will be the heart of everything. For a 15-page paper I usually end up with around 14-18 pages of typed research, 10 pt font, single spaced, tiny margins. This seems like a lot, but essentially all I do is type up anything I read that seems relevant to my topic, so luckily this step does not require that much brain power. Just type type type!

Use the table of contents

Find the chapter(s) that are actually relevant instead of skimming through the whole book. Time is of the essence here!

Use Zotero, cite right away

You can also use easybib or whatever you're used to, but keep track of your sources. I like Zotero because I can keep a log of all of my sources and copy the footnote or bibliography version whenever needed. Before you even begin reading, cite the source and copy it into your research doc. This will save you so much time later when you have to put in your citations in the actual paper. 

Here is an example of what my research doc looks like:

Full citation is my heading for each source just so it’s crystal clear

I ignore all typos (I don’t think there are any in this part though, go me!) because my head is buried in the book just trying to get all the info down

I always start with the page number so I know what to cite when I go back

Create a shorthand 

While typing up research, you might think of something that the author didn't talk about that you'll want to write in your paper. Or perhaps a few sentences already start to form. Put them all in one place, with your research, so you know what source you'll have to cite to then lead into your idea. I type "!@#" before anything that is strictly my own idea so I'm never confused. It's fast and stands out.

This is an example: the two bullet points above are evidence from my source, which made me think of this argument I could make, which I noted with “!@#”

Step 2: Read Your Research

Now that you have all your information, go back and read through it all. Every time you read about a new theme/person/event, write it down somewhere. You may come up with a list of 20+ different ideas in your research. No matter how small, as long as there is something about it, write it down. Each of these mini themes is going to end up being a paragraph in your paper or combined with another mini theme. 

Once you’ve made your list, look for larger overarching themes. In the paper I’ve shown you, I had mini categories like “political party x” “religion” “labor groups” “little organization” and “hierarchy.” When I looked back I though, hey these are all groups and how groups are working together, so they each became their own mini paragraph under the subsection of “Alliances.”

As with most research paper structures, I try to find three general themes/subsections (like an extended version of that 5-paragraph essay we wrote in middle school). It makes the paper less messy and also makes sure I’m not covering things that are beyond a reasonable scope.

During this step, you are also searching for your thesis. It won’t be your final version. As you fill in your outline in the next step you may make slight changes. But this is definitely when you start thinking about it.

Step 3: Outline

We’re ready to outline! Once I’ve collected all my different themes and organized all my subsections and paragraphs, it’s time to fill in that outline. I start a new doc just for the outline and take advantage of google doc’s headings function to make a clear document outline.

Here comes the fun part, I read through my research one more time, this time copy and pasting all my research into each section of the outline. The document outline in google docs makes this easy because I can just click on each subheading to get me there (super helpful when you’re dealing with 15+ pages of research).

Here is what it looks like:

Let’s say I need to add something to my outline about labor groups. Boom, labor groups. Also, the typos are really abound here haha

Step 4: Write the Paper

Okay, I get it, easier said than done. BUT! You already have everything set up. Your outline is essentially just a list of your paragraphs and all you have to do is paraphrase, cite, and create a topic sentence. And that’s how you should think about this: you’re essentially transforming bullet points into sentences and adding footnotes. 

In high school my English teacher introduced us to Sh*tty First Drafts for creative writing, but honestly the same applies to research papers. Sometimes I’ll even have phrases like “wait no that’s not what I meant but basically...” and when I go back to edit, I realize that what came after “but basically...” is fine! And I keep it. So just start typing.

How do you cite while you write? Because we’re trying to get a constant stream of writing going, inserting proper footnotes after each sentence you type is too bothersome. I usually split screen with my outline and my paper so I just copy and paste a few words from my bullet point into my footnote, like so:

(This is from a different paper about cluster munitions.)

Step 5: Edit the Paper

I work best when I print out my first draft and make all edits in red pen. I feel more productive and can visually see where I want to move sentences and what I need to change. The more red there is the better I can feel the paper getting. (Whether or not that’s true doesn’t matter. We’re trying to stay motivated here!) When it’s all digital I don’t really see the progress. Plus, once I finish all the red, I get another moment of passive brain work, where all I’m doing is transferring edits rather than thinking. And at this point in the process, that kind of relief is much welcomed. 

The good thing about this process is there’s not usually a need to cut entire paragraphs or pages because the paper you end up with is just a formalized version of your outline. Because you started with such a detailed outline, the cutting and editing now is just to refine your word choices and get rid of the “but basically”s. You’re almost there!

Step 6: Replace your citations

Now it’s time to go back and replace your footnotes with actual citations. Zotero makes this easy because in Word you can just insert and add the page number, and it’ll automatically do “Ibid.” for you when needed. Ctrl+f in the original research doc to quickly find the source.

Step 7: One More Read-Through and Submit!

Congratulations!! You’ve got a fully-researched and well-backed paper! Of course, even though the process is straightforward, it’s still a lot of work. In ideal situations I would start researching two weeks before the deadline, but if need be, I believe I’ve done this all in three miserable panic-filled days as well. 

Please message me if you have any questions at all! I really hope some of you find this helpful! Good luck!

[lorei-writes]

Match-Up #32

Hey, hey, hey! 🌸 I got so excited when I read you were opening matchup requests again!💜 So here I am, my cutie Lorei! 💜

Hello, @venulus ! Muah, me no cutie tho, hmpf.

This is for my IkeSen OC Hayami Haruno. Maybe your amazing and very detailed matchups will help me make up my mind and finally match her with one of the suitors. I’m torn between my top 3 faves and gosh… it’s so hard to choose only one. Poly for life jkjk 🤣🤣 

Ahh, I know the struggle of not knowing who to match the OC with, haha. We shall see what I can do!

5 positive qualities: 🌸Assertive 🌸Empathetic 🌸Creative 🌸Mature (tho she can act childish at times) 🌸Smart

Right off the bat, assertive! A quality in general useful, much more so when dealing with people who are rather... Ore-sama? Confident themselves? I suppose they would be attracted to it, and that it would the relationship with them flourish. Also, it may be simply required to work with some love interests, whose line of work may entail certain not so pleasant encounters. Second also: I suppose it would prevent a certain relationship from descending into being hm, too one-sided.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

Emapthy! Something they all need! Well, overall, I think it would be appreciated by all of the suitors. Some would take it as a sign of strength... Although, some, in certain situations, are bound to view it as mere naivete. It may zero-out in some cases.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Ieyasu (-1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

Creativity... I’d lean towards pushing her a little closer to suitors who could match it and appreciate it.

Nobunaga (+1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

As for maturity... I suppose she could be annoyed by certain reckless behaviours and would probably lean more so towards responsible characters.

Nobunaga (-1) Mitsuhide (-1) Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (-1) Kenshin (-1) Shingen (+1)

Lastly, smart! Let’s bring out the intellectual suitors! The ones who would be up to discussion! The ones who enjoy learning!

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

5 negative qualities: 🌸Neglects her needs a bit when focused on something she’s passionate about 🌸Stubborn 🌸Picky eater 🌸Procrastinator 🌸Struggles to share her feelings

...Well, another Mitsu for the club? I suppose her lover should be a bit, hm. A bit better when it comes to taking care of himself.

Mitsuhide (-1) Hideyoshi (-1) Mitsunari (-1) Masamune (+1)

Stubbornness can be an advantage, though! Especially when dealing with some of our love interests...

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Ieyasu (+1) Masamune (+1) Kenshin (+1)

Picky eater? Hmm... I am half-tempted to suggest Masamune, but he would probably be initially distraught over it. As such, let’s perhaps... Look at somebody who would understand that, and somebody who could eat the discarded bits for her? A bit of a walking trashcan, but alas, it is a honourable role to have!

Mitsuhide (+1) Mitsunari (+1)

Procrastination hits hard... I suppose it could annoy some suitors and could lead to rather heated arguments, sadly.

Hideyoshi (-1) Ieyasu (-1) Masamune (-1)

Struggling to open up? Well, if that doesn’t sound familiar!

But wait. I would have to give (-1) to basically all of them, perhaps aside from Kenshin. He, however, has his own emotional issues.

... No points were distributed based on the trait.

1st Summary

Shingen (+5) Nobunaga (+4) Masamune (+4) Mitsuhide (+2) Hideyoshi (+2) Mitsunari (+1) Ieyasu (-1)

5 likes: 🌸Bantering 🌸Food enthusiast (no cooking, just eating) 🌸Teasing (both being a tease, and being teased) 🌸Intriguing and smart people 🌸Speaking her mind

Points distributed for likes:

Nobunaga (+3) - banter, speaking her mind, smart people Mitsuhide (+3) - as above Mitsunari (+2) - speaking her mind, smart Ieyasu (+2) - intriguing, banter Masamune (+5) - all Kenshin (+3) - banter, food, intriguing Shingen (+3) - banter, intriguing, speaking her mind

5 dislikes: 🌸Haughty people 🌸Crowded places 🌸People who constantly seek attention 🌸People who don’t respect her boundaries 🌸People who impose on others

Points distributed for likes:

Nobunaga (-3) - haughty, imposing, disrespectful of boundaries Mitsuhide (-1) - mixed points for all his schemes, which may involve temporarily disrespecting boundaries, imposing on others, etc. Masamune (-3) - haughty, may seem like an attention-seeker, at first does not know what boundaries even are Kenshin (-1) - disrespect of boundaries

2nd Summary

Shingen (+8) Masamune (+6) Nobunaga (+4) Mitsuhide (+4) Mitsunari (+3) Hideyoshi (+2) Kenshin (+2) Ieyasu (+1)

Only characters with positive value by their names will be considered in the final stages of the match-up.

Relationship dealbreakers: 🌸Being treated as an inferior or weak being 🌸Being physically or verbally abused 🌸Being cheated on 🌸Being viewed as a sex tool/toy 🌸Being slighted/disrespected 🌸An overly possessive/jealous partner 🌸Being deprived of her freedom 🌸Being ordered around 🌸Someone who doesn't want a committed relationship

Nobunaga (+4) - being treated as inferior or weak Masamune (+6) - does not want a committed relationship (at least initially) Kenshin (+2) - deprival of freedom (at least initially) Ieyasu (+1) - being treated as weak

A... A bloodbath occured here.

3 pet peeves: 🌸Someone getting on her case 🌸Being told what to do 🌸Being treated like a child

Mitsuhide (-1) - getting on her case (?) Hideyoshi (-1) - being told what to do

3 Wild Cards 🌸She’s a polyglot. She speaks Japanese, English, Spanish and Portuguese. 🌸She’s a warlady. In war, the enemies are only hurt/disabled because taking someone’s life is forbidden according to her beliefs. 🌸She’s a hopeless romantic

...You know, we could distribute points for this, but it’s not really going to change anything... This is... I am still recovering from the bloodbath.

Most disliked characters: 🌸Kenshin 🌸Motonari 🌸Kichou

None prevailed!

Final Ranking

Shingen (+8) Mitsuhide (+3) Hideyoshi (+1)

Shingen

Confessed first: Her. He was not certain whether she truly meant it, though. After all, it could have been a scheme.

Makes tea in the morning: Shingen. He fears she’d forget otherwise.

Hogs blankets at night: It’s an equal fight. Worst case scenario, he’d make himself into the big spoon and thus, secure necessary supply of heat.

Is the little spoon: She.

Possible points for conflict: At times, Shingen chooses to bear too many burdens. It is an old habit of his and she wishes he could learn to rely on her a little more, especially since his lies tend to have no effect on her in the end.

Free time ideas: Visiting restaurants together, hiking in the mountains of Kai, shopping for books from foreign traders, just lying down in the grass and talking about anything and everything.

Favourite date spot: The delicious restaurant near his estate. Local produce, always fresh, always yummy! Made with extra dose of love!

A secret they share: Yuki does not know that Shingen eats anything his lady is not fond of. There are no traces left.

His favourite thing about her: How tightly she sticks to her ideals, and how efficient she is at defending them. He finds her an irreplaceable debate partner.

His message to her: “It would be blasphemous to worship any other goddess... You are the only one for me.”

[theydontknowaboutusimagines]

This Christmas - A Harry Styles Christmas Series (Part 10)

Two life long friends. Secretly in love. Home for the holidays. Will they risk everything by telling the other how they feel? Or will they spend another year loving from afar? 

Read these first    Prologue   Part 1    Part 2   Part 3    Part 4   Part 5  Part 6 Part 7   Part 8   Part 9 

**

Once again, you woke up next to Harry, this time in the little writing hut. When you and the girl’s came home from your mother’s, Harry snuck out to see you. Harry was laying on his back currently and you smiled over at him. You planted a kiss to his forehead before climbing over him and off the bed.

As much as you wanted to stay in bed and cuddle with him, you had a lot to do. You had to finish the final chapter of your book and go do your last minute Christmas shopping. You pretty much had everything for everyone, but you needed to get Harry something. You two didn’t exactly discuss exchanging presents, but this was technically your first Christmas together, even though you weren’t really together.

Speaking of which, you two probably needed to have that conversation because you were more than ready to take that step. You knew there were things up ahead that you two would have to worry about, but you would face them whenever they arose. You made yourself a cup of coffee and sat down at your desk, opening your computer and getting to work.

Harry woke up to the smell of coffee and the sound of fingers tapping on a keyboard. He rolled over seeing you sipping a cup of coffee while typing away. He smiled watching you do what you loved and how focused you were on your writing. In that moment, he felt himself falling even more in love with you.

After a few minutes, he got off the bed, pouring himself some coffee before walking over to you. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders and pressed a kiss on your head.

“Hm, morning,” you smiled up at him.

“Morning,” he smiled, planting a kiss on your lips.

“Sooo, guess what,” you said.

“What?” He asked.

“I’m almost finished,” you smiled. “I have like a few hundred more words and I’m done!”

“Does that mean we get to spend all day together?” He asked.

“Actually,” you said. “I have to go do some Christmas shopping.”

“Still procrastinating I see,” he smirked.

“Oh hush!” You laughed. “I only have to get a few things. I may not be gone all day.”

“Can I come?” He asked.

“I’d love for you to come, but no,” you said.

“Ooh, are you getting a present for me?” He smirked.

“Perhaps,” you said.

“Can’t wait for that,” he said. “So, tonight’s your last night here, right? Before heading to your Mum’s?”

“It is,” you nodded. “Which is why I really wanted this book to be finished. I feel bad not spending more time with her, you know.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “How did last night go?”

“It was fun. We drank wine and hot chocolate. Mum made cookies and we watched cheesy Christmas romance movies and just had some girl talk,” you said.

“Were we any of the topics of conversation?” He asked.

“Of course,” you laughed.

“Oh god,” he laughed, shaking his head.

“It actually wasn’t that bad,” you said. “They mostly talked about their support for whatever we decide to do and I quote they’re happy we finally came to our fucking senses.”

He laughed, “Let me guess, Gem?”

“No, my mother,” you laughed.

He laughed, “Well, I agree with her.”

“Me too,” you smiled.

“So, since tonight’s your last night, I want us to spend it together,” he said.

“It’s not like I’m going away,��� you giggled. “And we’re going to be back over for Christmas.”

“I know,” he said. “But I want us to have a little Christmas moment for ourselves.”

“I think I can fit that in my schedule,” you said, wrapping your arms around his shoulders.

“You better,” he smiled. “I guess I should let you get back to writing, now, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess,” you sighed, dramatically.

He smiled giving you a quick peck on your lips, “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Okay,” you smiled. “I’ll see you later?”

He nodded giving you one last hug before walking out and letting you get back to your writing.

**

Later that day, Harry was out in the garage looking through the many boxes of leftover Christmas decorations.

“How does she have this many decorations still?” He mumbled to himself as he pulled out extra lights and garland.

“Uh, what are you doing?” Gemma asked, crossing her arms.

“I’m on a mission,” he said.

“And it involves Christmas decorations?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yes it does,” he said. “It’s part of Y/N’s Christmas present.”

“Please tell me you’re not giving her old Christmas decorations,” she begged.

Harry rolled his eyes, “Of course not. I’m just setting the scene.”

“What’s the plan here?” She asked.

“Why are you so nosey?” He groaned.

“Because I want to make sure your plan isn’t shit,” she said.

“I love your faith in me,” Harry scoffed. “But if you must know… I was going to deck out the guest house with Christmas lights and other decorations. I’m going to order takeaway and have it all set up for when she gets home. And we’re going to have our own little Christmas together… and since you’re going to ask anyway… I was going to see if we could make things official,” he blushed.

“That’s actually really adorable!” she smiled. “You knew you had it in you.”

“When are you going back to London?” He joked.

She rolled her eyes, “So, besides asking her to be your girlfriend, what else did you get her?”

“Some stuff… but I also thought it would be nice to take her on a little holiday if she has the time for New Year’s,” he said. “I think it would be beneficial for us to have some quality alone time.”

“And on that note, I’m done asking questions,” she joked. “But if you need any help setting up, I’m happy to help.”

“Then grab a box and let’s get to work,” he smirked.

**

You walked around in all the shops still unsure of what to get Harry. You knew he would be happy with anything, but it was hard finding something the man doesn’t already have. So, that’s when you knew you would have to get a gift that was a little more sentimental. You went to a nearby store with crafting items and got all the supplies you needed before heading to your parent’s house.

When you got there, you went into your old bedroom and started pulling out old boxes with pictures, letters, and other little random items from your childhood. You searched through finding everything that represented your and Harry’s friendship over the years. You made a little scrapbook of the photos and added in little stories of the memories. You also included the years you two weren’t really speaking.

All the articles, pictures, and achievements he experienced over the years and you followed. When the book was finished, you wrapped it up in a box and took the other, empty scrapbook you purchased. You decorated the front of it and the first page, leaving the rest of them blank.

You knew this was cheesy and he would probably tease you, but this was from the heart and you were really proud of it. Once you wrapped everything else up, it was later that afternoon. You knew you needed to head back, but you needed to make one last stop.

**

Harry put the final touches on his surprise thanks to the help of his sister and mother. Now that it was getting closer, he noticed his hands were shaking. He wanted the night to go perfectly and really wanted this romantic gesture to go well.

“Everything’s going to work out fine,” Gemma said. “Stop worrying.”

“I know, but I’m nervous,” he said.

“Why? It’s Y/N,” she said.

“That’s the point,” he whispered. “I’ve thought about this night for a while and the fact it’s finally happening… I just want it to be perfect.”

“It will be,” she said. “Unless she says no…”

“Really, Gem?” He groaned.

“Sorry, sorry,” she laughed. “I’m gonna head back to the house and grab Mum. I figured you two need some alone time.”

“You can stay in the house,” he rolled his eyes.

“No, no, it’s fine,” she said. “Oh before I go… Mum wanted me to leave this with you.”

Harry held out his hand where Gemma placed a perfectly wrapped box in his hand.

“Please, tell me this isn’t what I think it is,” he winced.

“Ew, she wouldn’t,” she groaned. “Mum’s a cool mum, but she’s not a mean girl’s Mum. Besides it’s for Y/N.”

“Well, I’ll make sure she gets it,” he laughed.

**

When you arrived back at Anne’s house, you brought the gifts in with you and you noticed that Anne and Gemma were gone.

“Hello? Harry?” You called out, walking into the house.

You saw a bouquet of flowers sitting on the kitchen counter with an envelope with your name written on it. You put the boxes down to open the envelope, where you saw a letter from Harry.

“Happy Christmas! It’s time for your special Christmas surprise. Meet me in the guesthouse.”

You smiled taking the boxes and heading out to the guest house. When you opened the door, all you could see was the bright colored christmas lights lighting up the room. There were decorations everywhere and it literally looked like a Christmas department store threw up, but it was perfect. Harry stood in the middle of the room and you let out giggle seeing him wearing an ugly Christmas sweater.

“You did all of this?” You smiled.

“With a little bit of help,” he smiled. “What do you think?”

“It’s perfect,” you smiled, walking over to him.

You wrapped your arms around his waist when something dawned on you, “Wait a minute… You… this is a scene in my book! You read it. How the fuck did you read it?”

“Don’t be mad!” He said, quickly. “I may have snuck in and read a little bit. I remembered how you talked about your writing and your stories being a reflection of what you wanted, so I thought I’d try and recreate a little something.”

“That’s really… sweet,” you smiled. “I’m still mad you read it, but I can forgive you.”

He smiled leaning down to kiss you, “Oh, and we’ve got dinner from our favorite restaurant and tonight is all about us.”

“Sounds perfect,” you smiled.

**

After the two of you ate dinner, you decided on exchanging gifts.

“You first,” Harry said.

“No, you first,” you said.

“How about this? We take turns. I open one, you open one and we keep going,” he said.

“Fine,” you said. “That works, but you’re still going first.”

He rolled his eyes, taking one of the boxes from you, “Okay, okay,” he said.

You smiled nervously as you watched him open the first one. He ripped off the paper, revealing a heavy envelope. He took out a stack of papers and looked over at you.

“It’s uh… my book,” you told him. “I’ve already sent it to my agent and editor, but I wanted you to be the first one to really read it. It’s not great, yet because it’s just the first draft, but I really and truly believe that you and being with you here inspired everything in there. Just like with everything I’ve ever done, you’ve been the inspiration behind it.”

“Wow,” he whispered. “Thank you. This… this means a lot.”

“You’re welcome,” you smiled.

“Now, it’s your turn,” he said, handing you a present.

It was another envelope and you opened it revealing a pair of plane tickets… well, fake plane tickets.

“Um…” you laughed, showing him.

“Okay, let me explain,” he said. “I want to take us on a little holiday for New Year’s wherever you want to go. I didn’t know if you’d want to go or where you’d want to go, so I haven’t made any arrangements yet.”

“Really?” you smiled.

“Yes, really,” he smiled. “I want to spend more time with you… alone.”

“Oh, do you now?” You raised an eyebrow.

He rolled his eyes before taking another box and unwrapping the next box. He took out the scrapbook, looking over at you, suspiciously. Opening it up, he smiled looking at all the pictures and memories from throughout your childhood. He laughed a bit and kept flipping through the pages before coming across the last few years.

“Wow, you kept these things?” He asked.

“Of course,” you smiled. “Yeah, we weren’t talking, but you were still important to me. I was proud of you… I am proud of you.”

“Thank you,” he smiled. “I love this.”

“You’re welcome, I know it’s a little cheesy, but I thought it would be nice,” you blushed.

“It’s perfect,” he smiled, kissing your cheek.

Now, it was time for your last gift from Harry. It was a small box making you curious as to what was inside. You unwrapped it and pulled the top off seeing a wooden heart ornament inside. But there was also an engravement.

���Will you be my girlfriend?’

“W-What?” You whispered. “Wow.”

You looked over at Harry, his hands were shaking, as he looked back at you.

“I know we both agreed on taking things slow,” he whispered. “But I know you’re it for me Y/N. You always have been. These past few days have been amazing and I think I’ve fallen even more in love with you. I know we still need to work on and figure out things, but I know we can still be together because as long as I have you by my side we can do anything.”

“I-I wow,” you whispered, sitting speechless.

You felt slightly like you were being overdramatic at that moment. It wasn’t like he was proposing to you, but it felt so surreal, something you’ve always wanted finally coming true.

“Open your gift,” you answered.

“Wait? What?” He asked.

“Just do it,” you said, quickly.

Shock and disappointment ran through him that you didn’t answer his question. He tore at the wrapping paper, revealing another scrapbook. One that was empty except for the first page.

“Our past is filled with good memories and bad. But now it’s time for us to make new memories together.

Will you be my boyfriend?”

“Oh my god, we’re the cheesy fucking couple ever,” he laughed.

You giggled moving over to sit on his lap, “Yeah, we are, but it works for us. So, what do you say?”

“Well, I don’t know, what do you say?” he smirked.

“How about we both give our answer on the count of three?” You suggested.

“That works,” he said.

“Okay, 1...2...3,” you said.

“Yes!” you both smiled before sealing it with a kiss.

**

Next part will be uploaded tomorrow! :)

Sooo... since they’ll be going on a little holiday for New Year’s... should I do a companion series? Maybe like a 5 parter? 

[a-duck-with-a-book]

REVIEW // Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett

★★★★★

// The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents // The Wee-Free Men //

"She had heard it said that if you could look far enough into the direction that Great A’Tuin was staring, you would see the end of the universe. Maybe it was just the set of Its beak, but Great A’Tuin looked vaguely hopeful, even optimistic. Perhaps the end of everything wasn’t as bad as all that."

This is another one of those cases where my brother has been telling me for years that I should read a book, and, after putting it off forever, I finally pick it up, only to discover it is a new favorite. I need to stop procrastinating and get through the list of recommendations he gave me, since he is always spot on.

// image: official art by Josh Kirby //

While I love The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, I have to say Equal Rites gave it a run for its money for the spot of my favorite Discworld book. Every single character was so enjoyable to follow, although I'm somewhat disappointed that Esk won't be a protagonist in the sequels. Pratchett is so imaginative, and I have completely fallen in love with the way he writes the environment as a living thing, almost as an additional character. See one of my favorite lines:

"The storm walked around the hills on legs of lightning, shouting and grumbling."

This book is ridiculously funny. There were points where I highlighted entire pages because he threw in line after line after line that made me fully burst out in laughter. What amazes me most is his ability to weave together intelligent and deep reflections with his whimsical, light tone and jokes. This feels like a timeless and ageless story, which resonates with readers of all walks of life and will continue to do so.

I was a bit let down with The Wee Free Men on my recent reread, but this novel has gotten me back on a Pratchett binge.

[pergimelaut]

Books I read in 2020.

I was once platonically attracted to a friend. Not only did he tell me the name of the person he liked (not me, of course), but also the reasons why. I could’ve mentioned two or three, but one reason sank me in was, “Because she likes to learn.” He didn’t say that to offend me since that night was one of those meetings in which he is the spotlight of our conversations, yet I couldn’t help but feel offended. I thought, “That certainly can’t be me. I don’t like to learn.” I never did, actually.

It was a wake up call that, all this time, I had been stuck in the peak of Mountain Stupid, one of the stages of Dunning-Kruger effect—a phase where you were filled with nothing but arrogance and overconfidence, before the realization “you didn’t know anything at all” hit you like a bucket of cold water.

Well I didn’t change myself after that, though. But in my defense, I decided to read 70-something books in the third year of my student press organization’s membership (which I later failed) long before I had had the conversation with him. I had had my own reason at first, but whatever it was, it was slowly but surely shifted with an ultimate goal created due to that very night, “I want to like to learn.”

Long story short, I was able to read 33 books in 2020.

It’s nowhere near an achievement to be proud of, so I cancelled my plan to write about it and upload it on a platform where I could gain a higher chance he would read it. I know, I know, I shouldn’t seek validation from another person besides myself—after all 33 books were quite impressive for someone like me who don’t really like books, so I shouldn’t be embarrassed about it nor should I be disappointed with the fact that the plan must be cancelled as I was miserably failing, but, welp, so. Okay. In this post, I would like to tell you the books I read in 2020, sort by chronological order.

Yeah, I uploaded it on my personal blog instead, what a dramatic turn of events.

Manifesto Flora was the first book I read, finished it on 2 January 2020. I believe I started to read it on the last couple days of 2019, so it was kinda cheating. It’s a compilation of short stories. All of them were amazing but there was a short story that I really enjoyed titled “Bekas Teman Baikku”. The author had written a short story for a yearly student magazine organized by a student press organization I later joined.

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez was an amazing novel it earned 5 stars on my Goodreads account. My teacher had been telling us about it as he taught magical realism in Creative Writing class. I finished it in three days—I remember those days where I didn’t do anything besides reading; I woke up in the morning and started to read. That was the only thing I did all day. It almost felt like reading was my hobby. (Spoiler alert: It’s not.)

Hidup di Luar Tempurung was the third book I read. I wasn’t in the best mood to read at that time, but I pushed myself, ended up finishing it but also regretting it since I knew that this book deserved to be treated well. After that I read Bagaimana Tuhan Menciptakan Cahaya by Raka Ibrahim and O: Tentang Seekor Monyet yang Ingin Menikah dengan Kaisar Dangdut by Eka Kurniawan, ended up disliking both by simply because I didn’t enjoy them, I gave them 2 stars. 

Then, well. Global pandemic left me shell-shocked as everyone else, really.

One month nearly passed but thankfully I managed to finish the first e-book titled Filosofi Teras by the end of March. I liked the book at first, even for a short period of time I felt like I could rely on the book as I was trying to cope with anxiety, but turned out it’s a false hope since I simply couldn’t become that rational LOL. But topics about stoicism still got my attention though—perhaps it’d remain as something I could admire. Pulang by Leila S. Chudori was a really good book, another one with 5 stars. Later I learned that having 1965-ish as a setting for novels is mainstream, but since I hadn’t known that, it left me in awe.

Then I got tired.

I wasn’t in the mood to read any books, so I turned into Japanese books—my admittedly guilty pleasure. I read Naruto Secret Chronicles: Shikamaru’s Story: A Cloud Drifting in Silent Darkness, a light novel from Naruto based on Shikamaru’s perspective. Although I wouldn’t mention it as one of the books I read in 2020, it was surprisingly a good book. It taught me about Naruto’s universe beyond what I knew, such as politics and government involved. It helped set the mood, so I continued with Ichigo Doumei, another Japanese novel. It was a book mentioned in Your Lie in April, one of my anime recommendations. It’s a good, simple wholesome story that taught us to treasure the life we had. I disliked the female lead character, though—I still do.

I read Kubah by Ahmad Tohari, a novel my teacher once mentioned, which I dislike, and much hate later on, since it gave people wrong assumptions about PKI and what’s surrounding the 1965 tragedy. After that I fell into Kagerou Daze fandom where I spent a lot amount of time consuming the songs, manga, anime, and also light novels—making me successfully adding Kagerou Daze Vol. 3: The Children Reason, Kagerou Daze Vol. 4: The Missing Children, and Kagerou Daze Vol. 5: The Deceiving to my Goodreads’ bookshelf. The latter was my favourite among them. As I hyped with Japanese authors, I thought it was best to finish Before the Coffee Gets Cold, a Japanese novel I found from a post about, well, Japanese novel recommendations. It’s a fun experience; an enjoyable story with a heart-warming ending.

Four Japanese novels in a row brought me to cursed loop as I realized I had not “learned” enough. Whereas I did learn something with each Japanese novel I read, it wasn’t “learning” that I’d planned in the first place. 

August was a month where I thought, “Eh, maybe I like books,” because I read 8 books in one month. I read Setan van Oyot by Djokolelono, a book published by Marjin Kiri. The novel was well-constructed from the start to the middle part, but unfortunately NOT until the end. Another note: it didn’t bother giving us the translation of both the local and foreign languages used in the story, which is good! I also had the energy to consume Of Mice and Men, a classic book mentioned in Pulang. 

I had spent days in library and bookstore when I finished Hidup Begitu Indah dan Hanya Itu yang Kita Punya—it made me aspire to achieve the ability to write articles like Dea Anugerah, the author. I also read Ketakberhinggaan di Telapak Tangannya by Gioconda Belli which easily became one of my favourite books of the year.

I read The Heart is A Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers, another book with a writing style I would aspire to achieve. It’s a good social-realism novel covering racism towards black people, the life of a curious little girl, a perspective from a blind-deaf man, and the socialist guy—everything was set around the 1930s, written by a brilliant 23-year-old woman. It has some translation issues, unfortunately. Then I continued with Kekerasan Budaya Pasca 1965: Bagaimana Orde Baru Melegitimasi Anti-Komunisme Melalui Sastra dan Film. I’ve been wanting to be able to convey my thoughts in a well-constructed thesis like what the book did.

Tango & Sadimin by Ramayda Akmal was the next, and it was enjoyable even though not satisfying—at least it helped me discover my tendency towards social-realism novels. Then I read Xenoglosofilia: Kenapa Harus Nginggris? by Ivan Lanin—it didn’t help me that much despite its educational contents, but perhaps I just didn’t find what I was looking for.

September was a shameful month as I didn’t read any books AT ALL. I planned to read at least one book per month, that’s why I set 12 books in my Goodreads. My goal wasn’t to read books, but to like them, so what I set up was simply the habit. Looking back at what I did—finishing One Hundred Years of Solitude—I could read book all day if I want to. But I want to become someone who, even if for a few pages, read books every day. And I considered myself failing when September passed without any finished books added to the list.

November came and I read El hablador by Mario Vargas Llosa, a book I had been desperately looking for that my friend finally lent to me. I gave them 5 stars because it greatly helped me in understanding indigenous people and how important it is to support their rights.

Then I desperately turned back to another Japanese novel, this time The Kudravka Sequence by Honobu Yonezawa. It successfully made me fall in love with one specific character because I feel represented, then I looked up Wikia and the synopsis of the next novels, and ended up disappointed LOL. I got tired again and read Sebuah Pertanyaan untuk Cinta by Seno Gumira Ajidarma, a book which I couldn’t believe had written by the Seno Gumira Ajidarma LOL(2). Then in order to set up the mood, I bought my friend’s self-published short stories, Dongeng Sebelum Tidur: Kumpulan Cerita Pendek. It was the first time I added a book to Goodreads. I told her that I uploaded a review and gave her 5 stars. She was really happy and I too was happy because of it.

December approached as well as final exams. So many papers with short deadlines, and despite that, I read books instead on working with my papers—procrastinator as its finest, you see. I read two Agatha Christie’s books, The ABC Murders and Five Little Pigs, two novels I had really wanted to read in years. After exams passed, I somehow gained my energy back. I read Kisah Seekor Camar dan Kucing yang Mengajarinya Terbang by Luis Sepulveda, an enjoyable novella reminding us to take care of animals and protecting the environment from pollution. I wrapped up 2020 with two classic books, No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai and Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell.

 Yup, that’s it!

Now that I’ve just tracked back all the books I read, I realize that my reading experience has its ups and downs. I ain’t good at keeping my mood stable to do the same activities  for a long period of time, and I earned the energy back by—apparently—switching into Japanese novels or light-themed books.

Long story cut short, I failed to read 70-something books. But I also recovered from the heartbreak I guess (LOL), and that’s good news! (Although maybe I forced myself to move on, since the goal was the indicator whether I’m worth it or not, and I failed.) (I shouldn’t have done that to myself, but I had no chance at all in the first place, though. That’s why if I could move on by setting an impossible goal, failed in the process, and helplessly gave up, so be it!)

Thank you for reading.

(And thanks to Anggy who beta read the post! <3)

[skelffricat]

Good grief, Charlie Brown.

I’ve never owned an electric toothbrush. I’ve never had a dishwasher. I am the dishwasher. I like washing dishes. I never bought an iron. I don’t have a hairdryer. I find it strange that I get advertised these reusable alternatives for things that I never use anyway. Alternatives to cling film. I put another plate over the dish. Alternatives to cotton buds. I use my finger. (Ew, you may say, but surely a finger’s that size to fit in ears and nostrils? Or whatever orifice you please. Wash your hawnds.) Alternatives to cotton wool circles. What? I dont know why these thoughts have come into my head, when I want to write about my youngest child. Really, I’m meant to be working, but an annoying email from my dead daughter’s school sent me down a suicide rabbithole. Perhaps those other thoughts come about as my classic brain avoidance schemes. Like when you hoover instead of doing an essay. Positive procrastination, I used to call it. I wanted to visit some friends last night- a fun thing! but I was feeling all solitary and awkward. I cleaned the bathroom ceiling at first, instead! I had to really talk myself into going to see them. I was looking at my bed and it was saying, “Get into me! and read your book!”

Then I went, and I had a lovely time, of course. I still finished the book I was reading, when I got home at midnight, until three am, making myself ever so tired. I’ve stopped taking the tablets- beta blockers and mirtazapine (more by accident rather than design. They’re still up in the chemist waiting for me. I’m rather disorganised) and so sleep doesn’t come as readily. I have to take deep breaths for ages sometimes, to get over. And I awake in the night hearing things that aren’t there. I heard The Woodcarver calling me, one night, plain and loud as day. Another time, I heard my son knocking my door three times, sharply (or was it a burglar? I said that to someone and they laughed. Burglars don’t knock! Oh, hello there, wake up, I’m robbing you blind!) Bounced out of bed. Heart hammering. Called him. He was fast asleep. Was it her ghost? I don’t believe in ghosts, really. Kind of wish I did. She’d be a mischievous one, no doubt. Is it always 5:57am, when I awake? The same time. Time to find your dead child. 

I’m often in the house alone, now. They didn’t want to leave me alone, and there were so many people in the house, for ages. Then all of a sudden, it stopped. And I changed lovers... I changed to the one I’d been in love with for over a year, the one who seemed too young, the one who wasn’t interested. Suddenly he was interested. Well. It wasn’t sudden. It took a few weeks. Seven weeks? The seven week itch? It coincided with when the Scottish lover asked me to stop letting other people come to the house. He wanted me to himself. Which is kind of fair enough, though I knew it wouldn’t last anyway. (People coming to my house, I mean, not the relationship. I really enjoyed having a relationship with him. He is very sweet, funny, intelligent, and kind. The sex was great. He can cook wonderful food and play guitar well. I liked to sing with him. I am ashamed to say I was bothered by his being smaller than me, though. His face tended to itch me, too- he never quite grew a beard long enough to stop that. As he kept shaving it off, not because he couldn’t. That was the first time he kind of annoyed me, though.)

Lockdown doesn’t help, of course. We were all breaking rules in our grief. Covid is cancelled, my mother said. Masks off. Hugs all round. A friend told me you need extra oxytocin when you’re grieving. I was getting plenty of it. Good grief... 

Now I am frequently alone, and as my new lover is very busy studying (or perhaps less interested in me again now that he has my attention back? Though his reticence in getting with me stemmed from his concerns about the uneven nature of our interest in each other...) I haven’t seen him all week. I feel myself becoming depressed, and withdrawn, and paranoid, yet I still don't feel particularly sad about my daughter’s death. Which is strange. Isn’t it? Here is the email I received from her school this morning (it had her name and class at the top of the email): 

“Good morning

I hope this email finds you all well.

A number of years ago I signed the college up to the campaign against period poverty. I receive and distribute sanitary products to girls, primarily on free school meals, but any who are in need of the products and either can’t afford them or it is difficult to get them. The products are normally distributed by myself, during P.E and games, unfortunately this can’t happen at present.

These products are still available during the school closure. If you wish to avail of them, please contact our school info account (which is only read by one member of office staff) your request will be directed to me and I will contact you directly regarding collection.

These are difficult times for many at present and to quote my favourite supermarket, ‘every little helps’.

Kind regards...”

I was really with her until she quoted Tesco. And said they were her favourite!! Ugh! I mean, it really is a great idea. Though they really should check if the people they are writing about are still capable of bleeding. My heart bleeds....

I replied thus:

“Hello there.

Great idea, but as (my youngest daughter) has died, she won't be needing them any more. I hate Tesco- they ruin many little businesses.

Maybe take me off this mailing list?”

Then I attached one of her seven suicide notes: the one for school. Which I had previously not shown them. I only found it on Christmas Eve. Can I attach it, here? It has no names... 

There we are. Is it wrong of me to find her notes amusing? She is so angry, people say. I wonder how much of it is literal, and how much of it is using the school as a big nameless scapegoat. She was funny in the rest of them, too, and very loving. I found them comforting, like a fucked up Christmas present.

Then I started reading articles about suicide, and they were about how we shouldn’t call the people who do it selfish, about how depressed they are, how they need pity, not anger. I’m tired of the pity (though I’m not the suicidal one). I’m not producing enough sadness from myself when people pity me, either. Where is my sadness? Am I too acceptant of it all? We are all going to die. Is suicide like a C-section? Is it cheating death, like I thought my Caesareans cheated birth? Is suicide self euthanasia? Why do I not miss my daughter more? Is it because she had already left? Was she released, happy, free as a bird, swooping away on an Awfully Big Adventure? Trapezing her way into the æther? I googled to see if I could find any positive reactions to suicide. Is this my nature, to try and find the good in everything? To try and make light of the horrific? Is everything a joke to me? 

I found this blog post, from Andreas Moser.

I love it. Am I trying to take the blame away from myself? The NHS? The school? Should I be reeling and railing against the systems that let my daughter get into that state? Why am I instead trying to find ways to applaud her behaviour, accept it, even enjoy it?! When I read his words, “I admire their courage (because logical as it may be, it’s not easy) and the determination to make the ultimate decision in life oneself.” I felt a strange sensation of relief, that someone else could think those things. I had been thinking them, but trying not to, because it seemed like such an awful thing to think. But then I think, why does anyone else have to be to blame? It was her decision. 

The book I was rereading is called Life After Life, by Kate Atkinson. It’s my favourite book, I have decided, for now. Do favourites stay favourites? I was looking at my old Couchsurfing Profile today (because of Andreas’ blog- he, as a hippy hermit, is, of course, on Couchsurfing). One needs to update these every so often. Explain that you have watched another film in the last twenty years, that there is one less sofa in your living room, one less child on your earth. Even though no-one is allowed to move around, really. No visiting. No exploring. Perhaps she killed herself to escape the boredom. 

In Life After Life, the main character, Ursula, lives again and again. (I forgot that to live again and again, she had to die again and again. It's a very sad and graphic book, spanning two wars- read it. It is, ultimately, uplifting.) I wanted to read it again to make my daughter live again, and again. We need to write her alive. Show her drawings and paintings. Listen to her songs (they're hilarious). Read her poems. Admire her photographs. Tell the stories of her antics.

I know that really she was actually depressed and withdrawn. I know it isn’t a glorious escape. That her wee head was broken, and that sometimes it’s just easier to say, it was unfixable, she was determined, this is what she wanted, than to contemplate it as my (or anyone else’s) failure to help her. I know that she used to be confident and gregarious. She would have danced in front of people, inspiring others. She was always upside-down, tumbling, twirling, cartwheeling. She had a dry, cheeky wit, and rather an amusing obsession with poo and wee. She was kind, and wise. She liked to bake vegan treats. She could draw, and paint, and sing so beautifully. She played the ukelele, but by then she was hiding away. She had started to write poems- songs? She wouldn’t show us them. We had to beg her to perform on the trapeze for her Granny’s eightieth, in July. She did so, beautifully, but you could tell she hated the attention. Four months later, she hanged herself on it. 

Had we all withdrawn into ourselves, this 2020? Was there really nothing else to do? Yet I remember the start of Lockdown seeming idyllic. All that free time, all that sunshine. Was I just trying to convince myself, as usual? The only people we saw were the Woodcarver and the neighbours. She taught the wee boy next door to ride his unicycle. When she died, he brought in a picture he had drawn, of them on their unicycles, she as an angel above herself, a rainbow arcing over the three figures. His sadness affected me. I felt like I could only be sad through other people. Where is my sadness? Where is my grief? Good grief, bad grief, no grief? Alternatives to grief.

[evergreen-dryad]

7,19 and 30 for the ask thing? Akskdmfl I kinda wanna ask them all tho lmao ~✒️

Anyway sorry for the really late reply anon(s)! I procrastinated on this for quite a while since I’d mostly answered all those before (and I was like ok let’s just ans them all anyway) and I really needed to think for some of these, or just didn’t have an answer for them. Also lol was lazy to look up which books had so-and-so no. of pages.

👀 👀 👀 is the pen nib a hint My favourite-- wow everyone really be asking me for quotes huh. 

Anyway, here’s what I answered previously for 7, 8, 15, 19, and 4,5,7,25

1 - season: winter. because I’ve always lived in the tropics winter is just fascinating and beautiful. Frost patterns??? Also because for literary reasons, winter is the time for hmm how did they put it, transformation? and plot/emotional tension

2 - classic film: err. What counts as one. And I’m really not a movie-watcher I’ve never even watched Home Alone. Can I just go for an animated Disney princess movie lmao Snow White should be the oldest I’ve watched

3 - nostalgia-inducing possession: hands-down my pink rabbit plushie I received for my 10th birthday. (Also got real rabbits at the same time!) Have had to sew back on his ears once.

6 - hour of the night: err hmm 10pm feels good? That’s usually the hour I’ll have washed up and feeling clean and cozy, and the night ahead feels sparkling and quiet.

9 - happy song: lmao jokes on y’all I think most of my music is either the calm type (lofi/art/dreampop makes me happy!!) or the emotional type, don’t really have upbeat types??

my first thought was Animal by AURORA but that’s prob not a happy song for most lol. maybe cathartic is more like it

let’s say Hand in Hand (Magical Mirai ver.)  by kz(livetune)/Hatsune Miku for now.

10 - sad song: hoooo boi which is it. Let’s say Murder Song (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) by AURORA.

11 - character from a book: hmmmmmmm. Faith Sunderly in The Lie Tree (I really, really loved her character development throughout the book -- she got more feral/more true to herself as an aspiring female scientist). Artemis Fowl keeps popping up in my head as well because over the series he develops to have a heart instead of being a bastard. And Miss Marple, Hercule Poirot. Honestly impossible to not like those two.

12 - creative medium: prose writing. if i art i like using oil pastels. generally, pretty colourful things.

13 - memory: it’s my birthday, and I am a loved child. My father surprises me with two rabbits for pets on my 10th, or having a birthday party, or being surprised with a gift that I grow to love much over the years. Opening Christmas gifts with friends for the first time in a cafe, one on vidcall in 2019.

14 - aspect of a person’s face: eyes. windows to the soul~

16 - band: angela

17 - animated film/tv show: HOO BOI I WATCH SO MUCH ANIME UM. for anime!! Mob Psycho 100!! It’s the only anime so far I bother to rewatch. (Bonus mention: Keep Your Hands off Eizouken!, if they don’t do S2 I’m likely to rewatch it. Never have I experienced an anime with my heart so full of peace and feeling completely there as well.)

(For story, Hunter x Hunter and FMA:B)

For film? PMMM Rebellion. It’s so beautiful, every frame is chock-full of detail I SWEAR.  And I wept rewatching it. (Bonus: Koe no Katachi!!)

what’s new i find myself weeping more for fictional characs over the years

18 - constellation: Ursa Minor for Polaris. This is sad but I don’t know enough about the stars to say otherwise, it’s usually very cloudy here.

20 - album: errrrrrrr one of AURORA’s... or in love with a ghost? I’d say the latter’s let’s go

21 - ending in fictional media: *cricket chirps* oh dear, this will take a while. I’m standing by PMMM Rebellion. I never saw it coming, but in hindsight it really is the logical outcome for what Homura has to do to continue to protect Madoka, and I love it. I just love it. I love good stories that don’t ignore reality for the best ending, but lolol in this case Homura bent and shaped reality to her will.

22 - shade of blue: ocean. deep blues.

23 - part of being alive: going outside. nature. the world is huge and mindbogglingly there are a thousand million more things to discover. also, eating I suppose. Immersion into anything. I love that feeling. Having created something.

24 - holiday: Christmassssssss I love gift prep and carolssss

26 - person you know: um. @bradburymeinfire yeah really. first thought, not taking it back after much consideration. fellow fandom/science/writing person!!!

27 - musical movie: don’t watch these, perhaps the only ones are like... high school musical and disney. So if disney counts then possibly Frozen 2 because I cried in the theatre what even. Twice?? (and the above person was with me LMAO)

28 - superhero: don’t really have one. How about just the future Deku in BNHA, or the future Wonder Trio that’s also Bakugou? & Shouto.

29 - book longer than 500 pages: The Collected Short Stories by Roald Dahl, All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. I just love Dahl. I adore him, I would read anything by him, he’s brilliant. I would love to buy his entire collection. Same with Agatha Christie, and I’m currently reading her Autobiography lol, maybe it’ll be added to the Absolute Favourites list.

30 - book shorter than 300 pages: The Word for World is Forest by Ursula K Le Guin! It just broke something in me because it covers a topic that I’m personally invested in so I don’t remember any other book having arrested me like that before. Can honestly say this is a book that doesn’t waste a word.

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

His Shooting Star - Chapter Three

Next chapter is here! Honestly, I am experiencing a lack of sleepiness, so I might just be updating a lot of stuff tonight. Let’s see what happens!!

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Warnings: Uh...nothing? XD Just that this is a slow burn type fic.

Summary: Captain Bucky Barnes loves being a pirate. He’s good at what he does. He feels as if he’s found his purpose. And yet…still there’s something missing. Until you. You in your wonder and shine, appearing as if out of nowhere. Will Bucky and his crew be able to help you find your way back home? Or will the captain decide he can’t let his newest treasure go?

Chapter Three

No one knew what to make of Y/N. She acted as if she had never seen a boat. Every little thing fascinated her and she fascinated everyone. It had gotten to the point where she had become a distraction for the men. After all, it wasn’t every day that a female came on board.

And a single one at that.

Shuri watched with a high level of amusement as Y/N searched through Bucky’s office. He wasn’t exactly aware that the pair were in there, but the woman had started asking more questions than Shuri could keep up with. “Have you found what you’re looking for?” Shuri asked, smirking when Y/N finally pulled down a large, leather book. She dropped it on the desk with a loud thud. A cloud of dust appeared when she opened the brittle pages. 

“Perhaps?” She tugged at the sleeve of her new jacket. Since Bucky deemed her last clothes “inappropriate,” they went around and asked the other crew to donate pieces that would fit her. Gone was the silky dress. It was replaced by a pair of Natasha’s leather pants, one of Hope’s  white shirts, and MJ’s blue jacket that was too big for her. Everyone on board seemed to agree that blue was her color. Add a pair of Shuri’s thigh high boots and the girl looked like any other pirate. She almost had them believing she was one of them. 

It was just the fidgety part that gave her away.

“Are you excited to see Wakanda?”

Y/N looked up, her teeth releasing the bottom lip she’d been gnawing at. She was definitely fidgety. “I think so.” Looking at the book, she flipped the pages. “So…old, fragile,” she murmured, her touch delicate. It seemed she was worried about breaking the pages.

“It won’t break, you know. The pages?” Y/N nodded, finally stopping on a page that seemed to have some information that suited her. When Shuri caught a glimpse of it, she realized it was a map. “I could’ve helped with that.”

“It’s not the land that I’m curious about. It’s the stars.”

Shuri raised an eyebrow, tilting her head as she studied the woman in front of her. She was…something else. “The stars? Captain Barnes keeps the astrological maps under lock and key. He made them himself.”

“He likes the stars?”

“I think he’d rather be a part of them if he had the opportunity. The captain has never quite fit in with the regular crowd.”

“I noticed.” Y/N tucked her hair behind her ear before closing the book. If it was true that he kept those under lock and key, she’d have to talk to him. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Not at the moment. While their first interaction was calm enough, there was something about him that she found unsettling. Her heart raced, pulse quickened, and she had a hard time focusing. 

Why? He was a man, just like any other. Wasn’t he?

The door opened with a creak, earning Shuri’s and Y/N’s attention. Bucky walked inside, not noticing them until he looked up. Standing in the doorway, his gaze shifted from Shuri to Y/N and back again. He crossed his arms as he leaned against the doorframe. “I could have sworn this was my office.”

“Sorry, Captain,” Shuri said, that familiar glint in her eyes. “Y/N had questions and I didn’t have answers.”

“I don’t know that I believe that,” he muttered, closing the door. Bucky’s gaze shifted to Y/N and he took in her new outfit. How was it this woman managed to make everything look… Bucky shook his head, pulling himself out of his thoughts. He didn’t need to think like that. This woman was becoming more of a distraction with every new opportunity he ran into her. “We’re docking, Shuri. Do you want to show our guest what Wakanda looks like from its shores?”

Shuri jumped up from Bucky’s chair, grabbing Y/N’s arm. “Come on!”

“Uh — I —“ Y/N’s heels dug into the floor and Shuri immediately jerked to a halt. She squeaked in surprise. Y/N certainly didn’t look that strong. 

“What is it?”

“I need to speak with Captain Barnes. Privately.”

Shuri watched her for a moment before glancing at Bucky. He was tense, eyeing them carefully. Bucky definitely didn’t want to be left alone with Y/N. She made it difficult for him to think and her lack of memories made her useless to him. He didn’t want to be nice to her and yet he felt obligated when he’d see her bat those lashes. A part of him even wondered if she was aware of the effect she had on him. Of course she did.

They always did…

Bucky looked away when he noticed the look Shuri gave him. Nope, he refused to let her get that smug little grin. She had no business looking at him like that. He could be professional. “Leave us, Shuri.”

The door opened and closed rather quickly, leaving the two alone. The tension in the air was thick and neither knew how to break it. Bucky, a captain who was well respected and a grown man, felt like he was a child all over again. If Steve saw him now? Shaking his head, he turned to the enigma still in his office. He cleared his throat as he sat on the edge of his desk. “What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

Y/N had been so fixated on the door and her only friend leaving that she had almost missed Bucky’s question. Almost. Turning to face him, she hesitated. How could she ask to see private property? The way Shuri made it sound, no one looked at those maps. Shifting her weight, she turned back to the book and placed it on the shelf. Busying her body did nothing for her mind, but it was worth a try. Wasn’t that what people did? What was the word for it…Procrastination?

“What is it with the women on this ship thinking that I can read their thoughts?” Her cheeks flushed as she looked at him, noting the cheeky grin curving his lips. It was a joke merely meant to ease the clear awkwardness that Y/N was feeling.

“Perhaps it’s because of the look you give,” she quipped. “Piercing eyes and devilish smile, it must make any normal woman weak at the knees.”

Bucky’s ears turned a bright pink before it fully registered what she said. “Normal?”

Y/N hesitated, gnawing at her lip for a mere moment. She had to choose her words carefully.“If you haven’t noticed, none of the women on this ship are what would be deemed ‘normal’.”

“Fair enough,” Bucky agreed, leaning back on his hands. He couldn’t explain it. He didn’t understand it. But this woman was interesting to him. Could it simply be because of how they found her? “Did you have a question or were you wanting to stay here and remind me of facts I already knew?”

“…Shuri brought me here because I was asking questions. Because I don’t remember. However, that being said, I was looking for maps.”

“Oh, there’s plenty of those.” Bucky pushed himself off his desk and joined her side. Immediately he started pulling scrolls down. “What did you wish to see? Wakanda? Stark or Asgard? There’s —“ Bucky’s words caught in his throat when her hand rest on his wrist, stopping him from grabbing anything. He looked at her, studying her features as she struggled to find the right words.

“Not of a place. I was looking for maps of the sky.”

“Oh…” He pulled away from her, a chill replacing where her hand had once been. Bucky hadn’t noticed it before, but she practically radiated heat. He tried to ignore the need to stay close to her and rubbed away the chilly feel that had set in. He was so used to that constant icy feeling that it seemed he forgot what it was like to feel so naturally warm. Shaking his head, Bucky glanced at the cabinet on the far side of the room. It was locked. He wanted to keep it that way. Those maps and everything else inside were his and not the crews. For someone who had to share most things with them constantly, it was important that he keep those for himself. “Why would you need them? The maps?”

Y/N noticed the way he looked at the cabinet. For someone so beloved by his crew, it seemed Bucky had intense trust issues. He would never let her see something if he deemed it important enough. “Never mind,” she murmured, knowing her lack of a reason would not be enough. “It’s probably nothing important.”

“Are you remembering something?”

“No. I guess I was simply hoping I would.” She offered a small smile, already making her way to the door. “I should go join Shuri. She’s excited about returning home.”

Bucky nodded, unable to bring himself to watch her leave. Instead, he stared intently the lined bottles of liquor and wondered if he should divulge in a drink before he was brought before King T’Challa and his welcome committee. Taking a slow breath, he listened to the click of the door and looked over his shoulder. He didn’t understand this woman. She was hiding something. He could feel it. 

But did she even know it?

————

Wakanda was a beautiful kingdom. Everyone knew it. It was the favorite for Bucky and his crew to visit because of their fascination with science, the always warm welcome, and the fact that women outnumbered men three-to-one. While the last of the list had mixed reasons as to why it was actually on the list, they could all agree — Wakanda was well loved.

Clint and Natasha had run off to explore and meet up with old friends. MJ decided to drag Peter to her favorite place to eat since he insisted on taking her to The Great Hall of Relics. MJ loved history, but it seemed visiting the hall for the tenth time was a little too much for her. Meanwhile, Hope was visiting Wakanda’s shops with an enthusiastic Scott. Sam, Ned, Stephen, Sharon, was busy focusing on running errands and picking up a few souvenirs.

That left Carol and Darcy on board the ship. They were more than happy to take a break from the chaos that was their crew members and, though they loved Wakanda, they loved the night life far more. They could wait.

But Shuri? Shuri was the most eager to be home. She loved her life as the ship’s surgeon and genius, but that didn’t mean she never missed home. And now she had someone entirely new to show around. “I still cannot believe that you’ve never heard of Wakanda, Y/N! It is beautiful and amazing and —“

“You’re bragging about your home. You know this, right?” Y/N smiled as Shuri shrugged it off, leading her to one of the shops. The smell of incense and food was enough to calm Y/N and make her stomach growl at the same time. She jumped at the noise, pressing a hand to her stomach. What was that?

Shuri raised an eyebrow, snickering when she saw Y/N’s bewildered gaze. “Hungry?”

“Princess Shuri,” one of the tenders spoke, grabbing her attention. “Please, take this.”

“How much?”

He shook his head, wrapping the food up and placing it in a bag. “It’s a gift for your return and for your friend.”

Shuri smiled, nodding her thanks before turning to Y/N. “Can your stomach wait for a bit or would you rather eat now?”

“Show me more.” Y/N was hungry, sure, but Wakanda was unlike the ship. As far as she could remember, she had never seen anything like it before. “Food can wait. I want to experience this.”

“That we can do.” 

The next few hours, Shuri spent arm in arm with Y/N. Every single historical sight was shown along with the fantastical ones as well. Shuri was far more interesting to listen to than any normal guide. She spoke with such interest and it was easy to tell that her heart was here. Y/N wondered why she chose to stay with the ship. 

“Why not be princess?” The confused look on Shuri’s face revealed that Y/N had actually voiced her thoughts. “I — I mean —“

“I understand what you mean. And in truth? Wakanda is amazing and it is the kingdom that treats its females the best. However, they still have much to learn. As do I. And I cannot learn the world’s secrets and people’s truth from inside a kingdom’s walls.”

“A ship gives you those opportunities?”

“Captain Barnes gives me those opportunities,” Shuri corrected. Y/N nodded, still not entirely sure she saw what it was about the man that everyone adored so much. She felt the princess squeeze her arm and looked her way. “He’s a good man. He left behind a life created for him to make one for himself. He’s a good captain, I promise. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

Y/N knew she should believe Shuri. After all, she had a history with Bucky that Y/N didn’t. “He’s so distant.”

“Wouldn’t you be? He has a lot of weight on his shoulders and his past holds a lot of pain.”

Y/N frowned at that, wondering what parts of Bucky’s past kept him so withdrawn. What made him feel like he had to keep the world at arm’s length while what made him tick was locked away in the cabinet? 

And who knew about the real Bucky?

[amitojo]

5 Must-Read Books to Increase Productivity

I am constantly learning and trying on new ways to increase productivity. So in this post, I will be sharing 5 books that helped me do that and can help you too (should you choose to read them.)

If you’re not a reader, check “why I started reading books and why I think you should too!” here

For the past couple of years, I have been obsessed with increasing my productivity. Given the goals that I have set for myself, all the things I want to cross off my bucket list, and the speed with which I want to accomplish results, I just had to up my game. I wasn’t always like this though.

I wasn’t always conscious of my time, intentional, goal-oriented. My family used to consider me a “lazy” person, and so did I honestly. I had a “chalta hai” (indifferent) attitude. I used to procrastinate A LOT! There was no drive or any sense of urgency to make things happen. I have been an average student all my life until I “woke up” (you can read about my awakening here). It is only after I woke up that I started striving for excellence in all areas of my life. Over time, with introspection, I got clarity. And once there was clarity, I discovered a sense of purpose, a “WHY”, which intrinsically pushed me to do and be more.

I created a vision for my life, set goals for myself, made plans to achieve those goals. It is now harder for me to not do the work than to do it. It takes more effort and convincing to not work. Here are some books that helped me create the right mindset for success, abundance, and achieving goals.

“A dream written down with a date becomes a goal.

A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan.

A plan backed by action makes your dreams come true.”

Greg Reid

Time is money!

We all have the same amount of time in one day – from billionaires to people struggling for survival – So it is not about the amount of time we have but what we do with that time that really matters. [Same can be said for achieving financial freedom — It’s not about how much money one makes but what one does with the money they make — tropic for another post perhaps]

Now, you may be thinking that different people were born in different conditions – it is not that easy for everyone, etc., – and that is a valid point. While it is true that conditions play a certain role, but at the end of the day, results are a function of action; What we do with the time we have determines the results we accomplish.

I know of and have read/heard stories of now financially free, successful people, who were at one point struggling for survival. So, if they can do it, anyone can do it.

There’s a saying:

“If You Are Born Poor It’s Not Your Mistake, But If You Die Poor It’s Your Mistake.”

Okay, now down to business…

5 books that will boost your productivity (in no particular order)

----

1. “The One Thing” by Gary Keller

“If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.”

Chinese Proverb

This book is about the importance of focus and shares tips/tricks for how we can focus majority of our time on the things that matter the most.

“Extraordinary results are directly determined by how narrow you can make your focus”

“Success demands singleness of purpose. You need to be doing fewer things for more effect instead of doing more things with side effects.”

2. “The 4-Hour Work Week: Escape the 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich” by Timothy Ferriss

As the name suggests, the intention of this book is for one to create a 4-hour workweek — and this book is loaded with productivity bombs to help us achieve that. This book can easily be considered the Bible of productivity. It comes with exercises at the end of each chapter to put what we learn into practice.

3. “Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time” by Brian Tracy

The name says it all. In this book are 21 time-tested methods to increase your performance and get more done in less time. The best part, it is a quick read! This book also comes with exercises at the end of each chapter, doing which will certainly increase your productivity.

4. “No Excuses!: The Power of Self Discipline” by Brian Tracy

Self-Discipline is the ability to do what you should do when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not.

Elbert Hubbard

One of the main differences between successful and unsuccessful people is — Successful people make a habit of doing the things unsuccessful people don’t like to do. Successful people are more concerned about activities which are goal-achieving vs activities which are tension relieving (Long-term vs Short-term gratification.)

This book covers all areas of life (success/goals, health, finances, relationships, etc) and the importance of Self-Discipline in conquering all those areas. Again, there are several exercises at the end of each chapter so you can apply what you’re learning.

5. “The E-Myth Revisited: Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What to Do About It”  by Michael Gerber

This book in particular is for entrepreneurs. It is about how one can systemize their business so it can work without them being present all the time. Make the business work for you instead of you working for the business.

There are adaptations of this book for particular professions as well such as doctors, accountants, contractors,  etc. – but I haven’t read them.

----

Bonus Read — “Millionaire Success Habits” by Dean Graziosi” has some productivity nuggets in it. Also, it has exercises to know your “WHY”, Analysing your strengths so you can create your income while doing what you love.

In the end, I would like to point out that — Learning is not enough, application of what we learn is key! So whatever you do learn, be sure to apply them to get the results; Take action!

If you want things in your life to change, you’re going to have to change things in your life.

Happy Reading and keep doing your best! Tojo

[bee-kathony]

The Oath | Ch. 13 “Breaking Point” 

a/n: wow! the last chapter got A LOT of response, it was very interesting to read everyone’s take on the “spanking vs. non-spanking” debacle. sorry it was a rough one, the next three chapters will make up for it (i hope)

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10 | Ch. 11 | Ch. 12 

September 22nd, 2019

It had been nearly a month and a half since Jamie had dropped off Claire after their fateful weekend at Lallybroch. They had exchanged a few brief messages and had met once for dinner nearly a week later, but things were on thin ice.

Claire didn’t want to fight — she didn’t want to feel this way about Jamie. She had just been allowing herself to feel something for him and then their conversation about how to raise their daughter wrecked it all.

It didn’t matter to her that Jamie had been beaten as a child by his own father — that was not going to happen to her daughter. The thought of anyone laying a hand on her child made her furious and it only hurt her thinking that Jamie was perfectly fine with it.

She knew it was ridiculous to keep fighting about this for so long, especially since Jamie had already missed out on the first five months of the pregnancy. Also, Claire missed Jamie dearly. She missed texting him when she felt the baby kick, or calling him after work to hear about his day. It was during this time of separation, that Claire realized how much she needed him after all.

After she had come back from Lallybroch, Geillis had asked her all about her weekend getaway.

“How did it go with his family? Were they nice?”

“They were lovely,” Claire smiled. “I met his sister and brother-in-law, their kids and then Murtagh, Jamie’s godfather.”

“Aye, what else?” Geillis leaned forward on the couch, sipping her cup of chamomile tea.

“It started out well…” Claire looked down, her fingers worrying a stain on her jeans.

“Did it no end well then?”

“No,” Claire sniffed. “We had a fight. Jamie and I.”

“Oh, Claire,” Geillis reached out her hand, laying it over Claire’s. “I’m sure ye’ll be just fine. Ye two havena fought yet, it was bound to happen.”

“Yes, but this isn’t something either of us is likely to get over.”

“Och, ye canna just leave it there, spill it lass!”

Claire ran her hand over her forehead, pushing her curls back from her face. Perhaps if she just said it all out loud, it would sound ridiculous and then Claire could move on and call Jamie.

“I had a really lovely conversation with his sister, Jenny about Jamie’s feelings toward me and mine towards him. That was fine — gave me plenty to think about. But then later that evening, Jamie and I got to talking about our daughter and how we would raise her.” Geillis nodded, a sign for her to continue. “He said that she would be the prettiest girl and that she would be a great nurse or teacher — all jobs that women normally do.”

“Aye, and men.”

“Yes and men!” Claire laughed. “Well, I told him how men do those jobs as well and if he would let our daughter do a job a man normally does. He said he would, but he wouldn’t prefer it. That wasn’t the issue… the issue,” Claire took a breath, “Is that he sees no problem with spanking our child if she misbehaves. I’ll have no part in that!”

“Jamie would hit the lass?”

“If she was acting up or crying, he said he would give her a tap on the bum,” Claire rolled her eyes. “He went on and on about how as a lad he was hit by his own father. And I know he wasn’t saying he would beat our child black and blue, but it’s just the thought…”

“Well, tis a bit different wi’ the lassies. I’m sure his father didna spank his sister as hard as he spanked Jamie.”

“You think Jamie’s father would have hit Jenny as well?” Claire gasped a bit at that.

“Aye, I do. I wasna hit by my own parents, they were too much of hippies to be doin’ that,” Geillis smiled. “But I wouldna doubt it.”

“Hmmm,” Claire sighed. “I’m sure I’m blowing this way out of proportion…”

“Maybe ye should call Jamie’s sister and find out what she thinks. Maybe tis just Jamie’s way of thinkin’, but maybe tis a Fraser was of thinkin’…”

“Perhaps,” Claire said and took a long sip of her tea, mulling over the weekends conversations yet again.

It was Jenny’s number that Claire was dialing now. She should have called earlier, but as usual, life got in the way and Claire seemed to be a professional procrastinator. Jenny answered after the third ring.

“Hello?” Came the soft Scottish lilt.

“Hi, Jenny. This is Claire… Beauchamp.”

“Claire! ’Tis good to hear from ye, I was just thinkin’ of ye the other day in fact.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner or that I haven’t been back to see you and the children,” Claire said sadly.

“Aye, tis alright lass,” Jenny said. “Jamie told me that ye two got into a fight, but he didna say what about. I take it that is what yer calling about now?”

“Yes it is. It’s a bit of an awkward subject though.”

“Shoot. I’m an open book,” Jenny said.

Claire checked her watch, she still had an hour before she needed to be at work, one of her last shifts before she went on maternity leave. She wasn’t really doing a lot of work these days, mostly just checking patients files and doing busy work — anything to keep her mind occupied.

“Jamie and I got into a disagreement about how to raise our daughter. About… whether or not we should punish our child physically.”

“Ah, so he told ye how Da used to spank him?”

“Yes, and I can’t agree with it at all. I was hoping for your insight on the matter.”

“Jamie was a troublesome lad, him and Ian both got into fights with the neighbor lads. Those two were thick as thieves, still are,” Jenny chuckled on the other end. “When they got into too much trouble, then my Da would take the strap to both of them, ten whacks each on the bum.”

“Did he ever hit you?”

“Only when I was verra young, Claire. And never like he did wi’ Jamie — my Da was a sensitive man and I kent it pained him to have to even hit Jamie.”

“But then why did he do it?” Claire asked, trying to understand.

Jenny was silent a moment on the other end and then spoke, “I think he felt it was the only way Jamie would learn. I also ken that my Da said that it should hurt him too, to have to punish Jamie in such a way. Our Da didna beat us black and blue if that’s what yer askin’, Claire. He was a just man, but a kind one too.”

Claire sighed, knowing that Jamie had never said he would beat their daughter, but only a smack on the bum every now and then. It still didn’t sit well with her, however.

“May I ask what all Jamie said to ye exactly?”

“He said that if she was misbehaving or crying, then he wouldn’t hesitate to give her a wee pat on the bum,” Claire smiled, recalling the sound of his voice — she missed him, even if he had been a bit of a dick to her.

“It sounds to me that Jamie willna take a strap to the lass, only use his hand when he sees fit. No one uses a strap anymore anyways and Claire…” Jenny said. “Sometimes tis all ye want to do when they’re screamin’ at the top o’ their lungs. When tis just ye and them, a face off and ye want so badly to just smack ‘em. Ye love them of course, no doubt. But can ye maybe see where Jamie is coming from? Tis just how he was raised.”

Claire nodded and then remembered that Jenny couldn’t see her, “Yes. I think I do. At least I’m beginning to.” She hadn’t changed her mind, she didn’t want her daughter to be hit — ever, but perhaps her and Jamie could now have a more civilized conversation about this. Too much time had passed and she didn’t want to waste another moment. “Thank you, Jenny. There was, however one other thing Jamie said…”

“Aye, what now?” Claire could hear the smirk in her voice.

“Well I think he’s upset that — that I slept with someone else, he called me a loose woman and said how I shouldn’t be making decisions since I wasn’t wise about that,” Claire rushed out. “I mean, I did also say the baby was mine, Christ, Jenny…”

“Sounds like two stubborn people that said a bunch of things that they didna mean,” Jenny sighed. “Ian and I have said a fair share of things in the heat of the moment that were none so kind, even if we did maybe feel they were true.”

“Right!” Claire ran her hand back through her curls, starting to feel a bit better about things. “I know Jamie didn’t mean it, at least I hope he didn’t, because I didn’t mean what I said… we’re still just getting to know each other and I wish more than anything I could just be open, as open as he’s been with me.”

“Claire, ye two are in a tricky situation. I ken my brother and I ken that he’s as stubborn as a bull and we get into fights of our own from time to time. And I also know that he’s probably beating himself up about what he said to ye,” Jenny said.

“I know I am,” Claire took a deep breath. “Well, thank you, Jenny. You’ve given me a lot to think about, I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me about this.”

“Anytime, Claire. I mean it, yer part of the family now whether ye like it or not.”

“I’ll let you go then,” Claire smiled. “I think I need to call Jamie and sort some things out.”

“Aye, sounds like ye do. Goodbye, Claire. Hopefully we’ll see ye and the wee bairn soon!”

Claire hung up the phone and let out a deep sigh. Just past the eight month mark, Claire was growing tired of being pregnant. She was impatient to meet her daughter and also so physically uncomfortable — it was nearly impossible to find any position that didn’t hurt her back.

Too tired to move, and with too many thoughts racing in her head, Claire shut her eyes and dozed off, only waking hours later to the sound of Geillis coming home.

“I see yer playin’ hooky now,” Geillis said softly as she stood over Claire whose eyes were opening slowly.

“Oh Christ!” Claire tried to sit up, but her belly was making that rather hard to do. “I overslept! What time is it?”

“It’s just past five pm, lass. When ye didna show up after twenty minutes, we all assumed ye’d fallen asleep,” Geillis laughed. “No one’s mad at ye, dinna fast about it.”

“Thank God,” Claire relaxed once again back into the chair, then the baby started pushing on her bladder. “Can you help me up, Geillis? I need a wee.”

“Aye,” Geillis came over to her, holding out both hands.

As Claire stood up from the couch, a wetness came from between her legs. “What the bloody hell? Have I wet myself or…”

“Did yer water just break?!” Geillis looked down between them at the puddle on the floor.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! It did!”

++++++

Jamie had been going mad thinking about Claire and his daughter. Were they alright? Did they need anything? He had been keeping in touch with Geillis for updates over the past month or so since he knew Claire wouldn’t want to speak with him.

He knew what he had said to Claire in the car was wrong, he’d just been so angry and had held in so many feelings about the pregnancy. Before he even knew what he was saying, the words just came flying out and he regretted them immediately.

Work had been slow and he had managed to accomplish next to nothing with worry over Claire and the baby. It was nearly 5pm, time to head home for the day.

His phone started buzzing in his pocket and he hoped it was Claire, he desperately wanted to see her. When he saw the caller I.D. his heart panicked a little — Geillis.

“Hello?”

“Jamie? It’s me Geillis.”

“I ken tis ye, Geillis,” Jamie chuckled. “Why are ye callin’? Is everything alright?”

“It’s Claire,” the woman said and Jamie nearly dropped the phone. “She’s gone into labor and well, ye ken the babe wasna due for another few weeks. I’ve just driven her to the hospital, this is the first chance I’ve found to call ye.”

“She’s already at the hospital?” Jamie said and rose from his chair, looking around for his keys.

“Aye, the same we work at, ye’ll ken where it is then?”

“Yes, I do. Geillis, tell Claire I’m on my way! I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Jamie said quickly into the phone and then flew out the door, shouting about Claire having the baby as he passed an odd faced Murtagh.

It was too early. Several weeks early.

Just wait, Sassenach. I’m coming.

Chapter 14: Together

[talesfromthefreezerinmymind]

The Adventure of the Accidental Client

On this day in 1859 (May 22) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, was born.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness month. 

What do these two things have in common? For me, quite a lot. I’ll start this story in early 2012.

At that time I was a freshman at Maryville College, in my second semester of majoring in graphic design. I was completely miserable.

Why was I miserable, exactly? Well…

 I had no friends (turns out, I had never learned how to make them)

 I doubted that graphic design was the career for me (Imposter Syndrome vibes)

 I was homesick (even though I went home every single weekend)

I phoned my parents every night and told them about my day. During one such call, my dad told me about a show on Netflix that he’d started watching: Sherlock. It was made by some of the same people that made another favorite of ours, Doctor Who. I was intrigued, and had plenty of time on my hands, so I thought I’d give it a try.

If you know nothing of Sherlock Holmes (as I did when I first started watching the show), he’s a famous English detective residing in 221B Baker Street created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson solves mysteries in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But for Sherlock, the adventures are set in the modern day. Over the course of a week or so, I watched the whole first season. Normally I’m slow to warm up to things, but I was instantly hooked.

I kept watching the show. I read interviews with the cast and crew. I found a fan-run website with all sorts of lovely info. I discovered Tumblr and all the fandom madness that lives there. The second season had already premiered in the UK, and I dredged up info on it (and spoiled it for myself). I started reading the original novels and short stories that the show was based on. I read everything Sherlock Holmes in about 5 months. And then started reading it over again.

Sherlock had found me at just the right moment. I was unusually lonely. I was unusually bored. I saw myself in John Watson; a directionless man in need of a purpose. A deeply loyal man, without a friend to adhere to. I saw myself in Sherlock Holmes; a man whose mind is always running, who loves feeling clever and in control. A man for whom feeling like an outsider is normal, though not always welcome. In the words of John Watson, “I naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers are irresistibility drained.” I was a lounger, an idler, and London had found me.

The Sherlock Holmes stories rekindled my love of reading, which had been dormant for a few years, and sparked a much more serious interest in writing. There was just something about how Doyle went from unknown medical man to literary giant that grabbed my attention. He started in one world and ended up in another. It got me thinking that perhaps though I began in graphic design, I could end up somewhere else: a published author myself. So I wrote more. And I read more. I changed my major in the Spring of 2013 to English with a concentration in Creative Writing (Oh, and I transferred to UT in the fall of 2012. I had to get away from Maryville. Fresh start. Sorta). In 2015, right after graduating UT, I joined an organization called the Society of Children's Books Writers and Illustrators. Long story short, in April 2016 I signed the contract for Roof Octopus, my first picture book.

Sadly, though, writing doesn’t pay much when you’re first starting out so I really did need a backup career for the moment. Fall 2015 I enrolled at Pellissippi State Community College (backtracking, I know, per the usual order of things) and began earning an associate’s in graphic design.

Though by this point I was far removed from my freshman year at Maryville, I still felt all the loneliness and failure that I had felt then (and I was still fanatical about Sherlock; third season came out in 2014). Honestly, I had been feeling watered-down versions of those emotions since my junior year of high school (that’s another story for another time). Plus, there was something else that I was carrying that was growing heavier over time: an addiction to daydreaming.

An addiction to daydreaming? Is that even possible? Well, it is possible. It even has a fancy name: Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). It’s when a person’s habit of daydreaming is so obsessive that it interferes with everyday life. I would describe it like there’s a TV on in my head all day. It places my favorite shows, lots of reruns but new stuff, too. Your daydreams are like movies that you write and direct and star in and you can’t get enough. Part of the time they are white noise and I can ignore it. But more often than not, all I want to do is sit and watch. I have trouble focusing on what I’m reading or writing. I zone out super easily while listening to music or podcasts. I have trouble falling asleep for my mind not “turning off”. I zone out in class, at meetings, at church, and in groups of people when no one is talking directly to me. I daydream while driving and running and showering and cleaning and swimming and biking and just walking through my house. I’ve been struggling to focus while writing all this out; I’d rather daydream about writing this than actually do it. (Fun Fact: A big part of my daydreaming is I like to talk aloud while I’m doing it if I’m alone. On second thought, that’s probably more of an embarrassing fact than fun…)

People with MDD aren’t crazy; they don’t hear voices in their head or think people are around who really aren't there. They are fully aware that their daydream worlds aren’t real. But for some people MDD is so severe that they don’t leave their homes for days; they stay in and daydream their life away. Luckily, my MDD is not that severe. Often MDD is used as a coping mechanism. Even though I’ve never experience trauma like some people have, I still really crave an escape from life and all the emotions brought on by it.

I had never heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder until one day in the summer of 2016; I googled for ways to quit daydreaming and stuff about MDD was in the results. Up to this point I’d slowly been growing tired of my daydreaming. I’d always had an active imagination. Played pretend a lot as a kid, had imaginary friends. But in college it started to get out of hand. Particularly falling asleep was a struggle, or if I woke up super early, falling back asleep. It took me ages sometimes to write a paper or read through something. However, I had so much time on my hands that it didn’t really matter how much I procrastinated. (While at UT and Pellissippi, I still didn’t try to make friends.) I didn’t talk too much to anyone about how much I hated college. About how alone I was. I’m a Christian, but I didn’t pray about any of it. I didn’t talk about all the ways that I felt like a failure. I bottled it all up inside, because that’s what Sherlock did. Sherlock was a loner, who was never a failure. Emotions were for other people. He was too smart for them. Sherlock never seemed to let loneliness get to him, and I wasn’t going to let it either.

Anyway, the more I learned about MDD the more I was convinced that I had it. The most important thing that I learned about MDD was that people who struggled with it could get help. Therapy and medication (like antidepressants) had helped other people get control of their life once again. In the back of my mind, I began to wonder: I had been using MDD to help cope with life, but now did I need help coping with MDD? Nevertheless, true to my never-bare-my-soul nature, I shared these discoveries and questions with absolutely no one.

I kept on keeping on. Finished a year at Pellissippi (still worried about whether or not I could make it as a graphic designer). Signed that book contract. Stayed close (as close as you can be without spilling your guts) to my friends at home, who I usually had to make an effort to see (something I really missed from the good old days pre-college). Tried (and failed) not to freak out as some of those friends got married and/or moved off. Who needs friends anyway, right? They’ll just ditch you eventually; no one’s as loyal as John Watson. I daydreamed too much. I wrote and wrote. I worked at Cove Lake State Park in the summer. I started a second year at Pellissippi.

Then one night in December 2016, I stayed the night at my Nannie’s. After I went to bed, I, per usual, had a horrible time falling sleep. I laid awake for hours, but eventually drifted off.

The next day when I came home, my mom asked me if I had slept well.

That was all the provoking that I needed. I broke down and cried. I told her that I could hardly ever sleep because my mind would not turn off. My daydreaming had become too much. Once it had been my rescue, my escape from everyday life, but now I felt like I was going mad.

My parents talked it over together and decided that I should see someone professional. My mom made me an appointment at a counseling office. On December 20, 2016, I had my first meeting with my therapist.

It was rather surreal. In the first season of Sherlock, John sees a therapist because he’s trying to deal with returning home from war. In January 2017, just mere weeks after my first appointment, the fourth season of Sherlock aired. In in the first episode, Sherlock (spoiler) himself pays a visit to John’s therapist. Sherlock actually needs help and he’s actually asking for. And I had just done the same thing. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Over the last 3+ years my therapist has helped me understand a lot about myself. Anxiety has been present in my life for several years now. Talking to people I don’t know, and even people that I do know, often gives me some level of anxiety. I’m always worrying if I sound weird or dumb or boring. I never know what to talk about. Therapy has helped me build up my confidence so it’s much easier for me to talk to others now. Am I still an introvert? Oh, yes. Can I carry on a conversation with someone I just meet? Yeah. Do I always want to? No, not really. But I’m much more willing to try it now.    

I’ve always hated change, good or bad. Watching friends grow up and reach life milestones (marriage, kids, dream job) all while I changed majors, changed jobs, and had little luck in the dating realm was (and still is) rough. Therapy has helped me be a little more okay with changes in my life. I’m not so scared of the future as I once was.  

I prefer to keep to myself. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. I hate asking for help. I always feel like an oddball, even among my close friends. I love feeling clever. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate change.

I am Sherlock Holmes.

Therapy keeps me in check. Keeps from going over the edge. Helps me understand myself, the world around me, and those in it. It helps me become a better version of myself.

Therapy is my John Watson.  

I don’t know what would have happened to me had I not discovered Sherlock when I did. I do believe that God knows exactly what types of things would catch my attention (i.e. mysteries and best friend adventures) and perhaps that’s why and how things turned out the way they did. He is the Great Author, after all. I am thankful that He loved me even through the times that I was not a fan of myself, running and hiding from everyone, including Him.

I’ve told this story today because (1) I love telling stories. It’s why I write. It’s why I read. Heck, it’s why I’m addicted to daydreaming. Yep, I still daydream quite a lot, but I feel in control of it now. I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about two years now and that has helped with the daydreaming and my overall mood, too. I’ve also told this story today because (2) stories can save us. Sherlock Holmes saved me. I was a lounger, an idler, who wandered into 221B Baker Street in need of a mystery solved. What was happening to Lucy Branam? Can she be saved? Sherlock was just the detective for the job.

Happy 161st birthday, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank you for writing.

[ktstudyblr]

Evening study bugs!

Now that most kids are back at school (at least where I live), now is a good time to talk about revising content! As a freshly graduated eighteen-year-old, staying on top of content when I was at school was something that was imperative to staying afloat (especially doing as many content heavy subjects as I did). Whether you’re more visual or logistical in the way you learn, I’m sure there will be something for every type of student down below with my six tips to revising content.

One) Type to book revision! This method is a really good one to get into the habit of! I’m sure you’re all well aware of the rush of information being shovelled into your brains as you’re frantically taking down notes before the teacher changes the slide. As someone who loves having a tidy and clean workspace, I want my notes book to look the same as well. However, in class, you’re usually having to compromise the aesthetic value of notetaking for information to make sure you don’t miss out on anything (or vice versa)! So I like to use my computer or a spare book to messily write notes down in class to make sure I get all the information I need. This document or book does not exist to look pretty or make you feel inspired by its beautiful typography or its highlighted headings, but rather as a source of the information you learnt in class. The way I use this to revise is by retyping/rewriting these notes in a document/notebook at home where I have the time and energy to put effort into the aesthetics of my notetaking. When you’re retyping/rewriting notes from your class, you’re revisiting content that you earlier may have just had to briefly look over in order to not miss anything. Looking at a tidy and beautiful display of notes not only can help you visually learn a lot better, but it motivates you to keep learning. But just keep in mind that the appearance of notes does not equate to the quality of note taking and personally should not be valued over retaining information. Making pretty notes is fun but it can shift into procrastination if you let it overtake your ability to retain and revise the information!

Two) Cue cards and flash cards! All throughout high school, cue cards and flash cards were my absolute favourite form of revision! And many of you probably use it now as it’s such a popular way to test yourself and emulate the conditions of an exam or test. The difference I find between cue cards and flash cards is that cue cards provide the information in short summaries whilst flash cards prompt the information on one side, and show the answer on the other, hence testing you. Personally, I like to write down my content onto physical cue cards and test myself. That way, I’m also taking the time to revise the content when I’m writing them down onto the cards! If writing them down isn’t your thing (it can be pretty tedious, especially if there’s a lot of information!), there are plenty of online options to type your information out. Studyblue, Quizlet and making them yourself on Word or Pages are all great alternatives to writing down each bit of content! Before I move onto the next idea, I have two helpful tips in regards to cue/flashcards that may be beneficial when writing/typing them up. The first is to try and pace out your time between studying/homework so you can write up cue/flashcards throughout the year. Take it from me, it’s not a great idea to leave all the content to the last week to type up into cue card form. So, it’s a pretty good idea to gradually keep up with cue/flash card making throughout the year. Also, it’s always a wise idea to keep your cue/flash cards after a test/exam has been completed in case you need to revisit them later!

Three) Unusual reminders! Now this one probably isn’t quite as common or widely used, but it will help you remember information that you’re struggling to retain! I wouldn’t recommend using this tip for all of your information because it's rather suited for content that you’re repeatedly having trouble remembering. In the days or weeks leading up to a test or exam, it's a good idea to write down the content in short, summarised points on individual cards/paper and leave them in places/objects that you use regularly. For example, if you’re having trouble remembering a definition, you could write it down on a small piece of paper and tuck it into your shoes, socks, toothbrush holder, toilet door, wallet etc. Using this strategy will force your mind to view content more regularly (without staring at a book mindlessly) and it will often come to the natural conclusion of retaining that information out of the regularity of your habits!

Four) 5-minute rush! This next one is a good strategy you can do on your own, or with a study group! Create a few main topics that encompass all of the information you’ve learnt for a specific subject and give yourself 5 minutes to write down all of the information you can remember related to that topic on a piece of paper or a computer (but no cheating with notes because it defeats the purpose of the exercise!). After 5 minutes, it’s a good idea to compare and correct the information you wrote down to see the accuracy of your results. This is a good exercise to test your knowledge in time-sensitive conditions. However, if you don’t get all the information you aimed for, don’t be disheartened! Treat it as a learning opportunity to grow and learn more information!

Five) Glass and Mirror learning! This next one is fairly similar to tip three and four as it lends itself to some of the same approaches. However, I use this as a content revision technique because it requires a large surface for you to expand your ideas and knowledge on! What you’ll need for this strategy are some windows or mirrors (that aren’t super valuable, sentimental or dangerous for you to access!) and some window chalk! For those of you unaware of what window chalk is, it usually comes in marker-like tubes and will usually read something like ‘applicable to non-porous surfaces’ on the labelling. But again, probably just read the packaging for whether it is safe on your glass and mirror surface at home. I like using these markers on my long mirrors in my bedroom because they take up a large portion of my room and force me to read them. I find this as a good method a revising content because not only am I writing the information down (a great tool for revision), but I am placing that information in an area where I will regularly view it as opposed to a notebook where you can only view the information if you physically search it up. This strategy is great because the information is always at your disposal in plain sight for when you’re ready to do some light revision!

Six) Podcasts! I got this next tip off of one of my teachers when I was in year nine and it’s honestly a really good tip. At the end of each class when you get home at night, it’s a good idea to read over the notes you learnt in class today and record yourself reading it. Once you’ve done this, you can export it into an mp3 file and import it onto apps such as Spotify for your own personal listening! This is a really great method of revision when you’re in situations where it may not be ideal to whack out the books and start working. If you’re on the train or the bus to school, this is a really great way to revisit content learnt in the class prior so that you give yourself a mental refresher for the class ahead! It’s also a good way to get your mind focused for the day ahead (It’s okay, I sometimes have trouble getting my head into the working grind in the mornings too!) It’s a really great strategy all-round but you may just have to get over the obstacle of hearing your own voice in your ear whilst you get to school!

And that’s all for now folks! I hope you guys can perhaps find at least one thing useful in the above tips and that maybe you want to apply to your next study session! I understand not all of these tips will apply to everyone and that’s cool, but I find when studying something that’s not exactly stimulating, it’s nice to switch up your study method and shift your practice in accordance to the demands of what you are and/or having trouble with learning!

Sorry for the lack of upload as well guys! Just started University this week so uploads may be a tad sporadic from now on, but I’ve got some great ideas and posts coming out soon that have been planned for you all to look forward to!

kt xo