#people would have time to volunteer more
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hGFFHJJ
jokes aside this has been on my mind so much lately. i‘ve been politically active before but i really think trying to push for a four day work week could be the next thing i get into. (obv there’s loads of other things to do but one has got to start somewhere right.) (especially because studies consistently show huge successes of 4 day work weeks??? like employee satisfaction, health, but also productivity of the company itself and obviously how easy of a time they have to attract talented workers and keep them around)
I don't know; I kind of think that our culture is based around systematic denial of human limitations. I mean, there's the eight-hour work day (which is about 4 hours longer than most people are consistently able to remain productive); buffing your qualifications on job applications (which everyone needs to do to some extent, because everyone else is doing it); the expectation of multitasking, even though it's not really possible; academics are running around with impostor syndrome, ultimately because there's only so many books that an individual is capable of reading, while a bunch of liars and grifters pretend that they're experts at *everything* and are held up as thought leaders. Billionaires are held up as if they're just incredibly hard workers, photoshopped movie stars held up as if they're just incredibly beautiful. We feel guilty for not being something that never has and can never exist.
#and then ofc don’t get me started on universal basic income#we had a vote on that a few years back that obviously wasn’t accepted but i rly think it got people talking#and then wage disparity and upping taxes on#capital versus wages etcetcETC!!!#editing to add;;;#i‘m also convinced a 4 day work week would enable people to make more environmentally sustainable choices#like who‘s got the time to browse second hand stores at leisure until you find exactly the furniture you need#the 4 day work week would also make care work more balanced#people would have time to volunteer more#or just relax more and be happier people#there’s literally no reason we should be working (in think related jobs) that long per week#and obviously there’s then the issue that manual labor cannot be reduced in the same manner - which would have to be evened out by#increasing pay for these jobs significantly#— the way we should have done so SO long ago bc how tf is manual labor less valuable thank thinky thought labor#it ISNT#actually it damages your body significantly and forcedully if anything the wages should be higher
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Lucid Dreamer (2/2)
part 1
Gepard stalls almost a week before he finally goes out to the safehouse, and it takes him a couple days to find it because Sampo didn't have the time left to be wasn't super specific about the location. But he does find it.
It's pretty bare bones, really. Gepard knows that was probably to be expected, but… It feels crushing, when he realizes there are so few personal things here. It's nothing specific to Sampo. Just some food, some medical supplies. A cot and a heater and a lot of mismatched blankets. Nothing to remember someone by.
But he does find the letters, in a metal box stashed away under the bed.
There are two for him. Three for Natasha, and two for Seele. One for Hook, one for Serval, one for Pela, one for Bronya.
Bronya's is mostly business. They knew each other from the whole Stellaron incident, but not much beyond that, and the incoming catastrophe is a more pressing matter. Seele's is actually two copies of the same letter, and Gepard realizes why when Seele is so angry she rips the first one up without reading it. He gives her the copy a couple days later, and she slinks off without a word.
Pela seems completely normal after hers is delivered, but Gepard knows better than to trust that. The next day, he finds her asleep in bed with Serval, bottles abandoned on the floor, both their eye makeup smeared and running and Pela's glasses horribly smudged and crooked on her face. Serval doesn't read hers in front of him, but she's clingy with Gepard, Pela, and Lynx for quite a while after. She throws herself into her work a lot. She insists the heater from the safehouse is busted and she needs to keep it. It's too dangerous for use by someone who's not an engineer. Might burn their house down or something. Gepard doesn't argue.
Hook's letter is short, with easy to read words. The rest of it is actually a treasure map, and she and the moles spend the next several days running through the Underground, finding hidden candy and toys. Hook asks them when Sampo is coming back, because one of the marbles she found from his map looks green, just like his eyes, and she wants to give it to him. Natasha shoos Gepard out of the clinic before he can even begin to think of an answer.
Natasha refuses to let him see what's in her letters, which ok, fine, he'll respect that. He hears from Bronya who heard from Seele who heard from Natasha herself though that one of the letters was a map and the other a catalogue, with all of Sampo's hidden "warehouses." Gepard promptly marches himself back out to the frontlines, where he can turn a blind eye. If a ton of stolen goods suddenly enters the black market, and if the orphanage and the clinic suddenly have new supplies, well, technically that's none of his business.
Gepard goes to bed, curls up under mismatched blankets and closes his eyes.
He doesn't dream.
One of Gepard's letters was also business, like Bronya's and Natasha's. He and Bronya follow everything meticulously, down to the letter, because there has to be some good to get out of all this, there has to be. Gepard can't let it all be for nothing, it would bury him.
And so the catastrophe passes. Not without casualties, and not without a lot of damage and destruction. But Belobog survives.
And after that, time just kind of…goes on. Gepard has been a part of the Silvermanes since he was old enough to enlist. The Fragmentum had gotten so much worse in the years before Welt sealed the Stellaron. He knows the statistics, it is literally his and Pela's jobs to keep track. He knows when he sees a face everyday in the camps and then it's suddenly gone. He's not unfamiliar with things like grief and loss.
He still catches himself checking the trashcans and the supply crates and soldiers' footprints sometimes, though.
But there comes a night where Gepard goes to bed, holding the mismatched blankets to his face, and he dreams. And it's strange, it's off, it sticks with him. Sampo doesn't look the same. He's thinner. His muscles have atrophied. He looks like how Gepard has seen soldiers after months in the hospital.
The most unsettling difference is there's a scar across the left side of his head, Gepard can see it over his ear, peeking out past his hairline, carving towards his cheek. Sampo is always careful about his face. Gepard once saw him dodge a Fragmentum monster and literally let it cut across his neck just to keep his face clear. He wouldn't let that happen for nothing.
Their actions in the dream itself aren't new. Sampo seems tired, run down and worn out, but he announces his presence with aplomb by lobbing a bunch of smoke bombs off the rooftops and sending his soldiers scrambling. Same shit, different day.
The new part is what he says when Gepard chases him out to the edges of the camp, tackles him into the snow. Gepard pins him to the frozen ground to detain him and Sampo doesn't even fight it, just looks up at him like he's seeing sunrise for the first time in months.
"I'll be home in one week."
#sampard#gepo#hsr gepard#hsr sampo#gepard landau#sampo koski#hsr natasha#pelageya sergeyevna#serval landau#bronya rand#hsr seele#hsr hook#honkai star rail#my fics#lucid dreamer#I was initially just going to let Sampo stay dead because I love that kind of thing#but I ended up liking this ending so I guess I'll let it stay haha#I love thinking about Sampo's relationships with the rest of the cast and their reactions to all this#he was a founding member of Mechanical Fever. he still plays shows with Pela and Serval.#Pela is constantly giving him second chances like in the museum event and letting him volunteer with the Silvermanes.#And Serval could say SO much about him but all she says is 'hah that guy' and mentions Gepard is going to catch him someday.#I need the three of them to be a weird trio of buddies fdksaljfdkl#Sampo is seen with Seele plenty and he's with Natasha so much that Hook literally thought he was horribly ill for a long time.#I love them having some kind of odd comraderie#and oh my god I am the biggest Hook & Sampo stan ever they're so so cute and sweet and precious and WAH#so I think Sampo would want to be prepared for just in case he didn't make it back. that he would have a contingency plan for everything.#and he would miss these people and this city enough to show up in their dreams one last time.#but I'd like to think he saved Gepard for last#and it is not just because he has a crush or any kind of romantic feelings for him. There's more to it than that.#(If I'm being super honest I don't even really ship them with romance involved. I have a hard time picturing them like that.)
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tired of having a gender at work; I don't want my colleagues to perceive me anymore
#my students are (for the most part) fine#one of my very sweet colleagues brought up the fact that I was consistently misgendered in a meeting that she was in#and I had to explain to her that everyone in my department misgenders me all the time even though they should know better#our DEI guy misgendered me 5 minutes after meeting me#like. on one hand. great litmus test for finding out how people perceive me.#on the other hand. I would like to not be perceived by my colleagues anymore#(I also. don't want to make a big deal of it for multiple reasons including that I Don't Trust Any Of These Jokers)#(but also if I make a big deal of it and then they continue to get it wrong that's worse for me in all dimensions)#anyway a different colleague (not in my department) volunteered to write a letter for my big upcoming review#even though she wasn't required to at all#and she sent me a draft of it (even though she wasn't required to at all) and she did they/them me the whole time#and this is making me unreasonably emotional#anyway. tired of this. please let me opt out of gender.#it's almost like deciding to study gender professionally for more than a decade made all my problems with it worse instead of better#who could have possibly predicted this outcome -_-v#what is my academic life#gender#Queenie actually says something on this blog
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job interview tomorrow 🙏
#working interview as an assistant prek teacher#i know kids are exhausting but its the only thing i have relevant experience in#and im tired of being rejected from every office job i apply to i need a job even if it pays 12 dollsrs an hour lol#anyway they'll pay for continuing education and the phone interview went really well#i think it seems like a nice place with nice people and she said she wouldn't start me at the bottom of the pay scale#so i might get more than i think#still probably not going to top sixteen an hour but its something#they called me in for prek even tho i didn't apply for that i applied for infant toddler teacher bc i have no relevant education#just lots of volunteer work with kids#but she said that one was taken and would i consider this one i didn't think i was qualified for so thats a good sign#and she seemed really nice#and the location is good its like a 17 minute drive and not too hard of a drive either#just one tricky turn#anyway#all job interviews fill me with impending doom and dread#even tho i interview pretty well i think i just never have the relevant experience to get the job lol#but this time it seems more likely#i have anotherdaycare job that literally pays twelve dollars an hour that wants to schedule an interview as well 😬#but hopefully i get this one#the other one is closer but doesn't seem like as nice of a place to work tbh#anyway im so stressed!!#i took a sleeping pill which i may regret#i never take one before an interview bc im afraid i'll be super sleepy and tired and not want to get up and be less sharp at the interview#but then i NEVER manage to sleep the night before which i decided is worse lol#so hopefully that doesn't backfire#goodnight ❤️
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Decided to create a pro hero bnha oc! ✨
Fun fact: She used to live in New York before moving to Japan! Her English name is Kelly.
#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#bnha#mha#bnha oc#mha oc#my oc#my art#She had a rough upbringing but she doesn't let her trauma affect the way she treats other people#She does have a hard time expressing her love and affection towards others tho-#She's more lowkey and subtle with the way she show her care#This may cause misunderstandings and come off as disconnected and distant#You gotta know her well enough to know that she means well#Gravitates towards idealistic and optimistic people for their vibes#Would donate to children hospitals and frequently volunteers#If there are any grammatical errors don't mind-
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"i just really think this is funny"
#jrnlsht#you know i think one of my weirdest super powers is that i never snap at other people#it takes a LOT to annoy me and even more to anger me#my dad was the same way and so were his parents#but watching other volunteers snap at each other#and when im tired im still very much an extrovert so as long as im around people i like and am not in pain#Im having a good time even if its a lot of work cause i just love being around people#I just dont really get angry#Like if a mistake happens it happens life goes on#But yeah lots of people get sooooooooo grouchy and like i tend to be able to diffuse it fairly well#But sometimes even im like dude take a chill pill#I also think that a lot of people dont know their limits#Like i see introverts working the full hours and im just like dude wait you need to take a break and sit alone for a while#But our society doesnt value introverts so instead they get forced into these long social situations that are inescapable 🙃#If we were just a little more accomodating i think we would all be happier#Even if it means people like me end up doing a little more of the front facing social stuff than the others#Anyway being an extrovert it sure as heck is ironic that i picked a very isolated career \o/
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Happy 420!
I didn’t want to actually have to pick up the leech or the crane fly larva to pretend to smoke it so please use your imagination
#bugs#volunteer bug hunt to asess River quality!#some other volunteers were clearly celebrating and left early right on#🤘😶🌫️#I liked looking for bugs but it was cold and now my sinuses and eyeballs are also cold#ow#there were also a lot of cute crayfish (some may have eaten each other in the bucket oops) and fish fish#(minnows)#and some sort of river isopod#oh I forgot to mention dragonfly and damselfly larvae#this is more of a list than a story bc I’m tired#the damselflies look like thre dragonflies but more evil which you think would be the opposite#that’s what I said when asked by the River scooper person in waders to describe what kind of bugs we had so she could guess what they were#ah life#anyway the River’s polluted with road salt pretty bad at these sites#poor sickly bugs#there’s a volunteer lab day too to id all the critters maybe I’ll go to that#this is how I get out and meet ppl while also having a good time anyway in case the people are duds#haven’t met anyone as cool and funny as you friends on tumblr so don’t be jealous#I am also not as cool and funny in the field 😔#(I did okay got some laughs was sociable)#the bugs however were very charismatic#onion’s nighttime thoughts
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady#but i don't ACT on it#and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together#the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness#that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't#i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention#i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you#you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it#it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments#to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy#and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you#that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit#like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to#modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind#and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill#3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen#and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way#and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal#*exhales* okay i feel better now#i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go#and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow#it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!
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Two medium, two topping, pizzas should not cost $50 with tip 😭 wtf is this shit
#marquilla#i mean mom got extra everything on hers so it was a full $7 more but like come on man 😭 its not even good pizza#the place that makes actual handmade pizzas with (nasty to me) Wisconsin cheese and is CHEAPER actually is carry out only#and mom said 'fuck that ill get what youre getting i guess :( '#it's $50 including the tip idk if i was clear there#i add 'please' every time i add a request lol like 'make the meat crispy please' 'side door please' bc im overly polite (try ordering at a#sit down restaurant with me ill put you to shame with all my pleases) and i just hope that we dont get a stalker delivery guy bc of that#again. we had one guy who would recognize our name on the order and volunteer to deliver it himself 😬 stopped getting it there for ab a#year at least after that hoping to wait him out...#anyway i put please after every special instruction thing bc i know they get treated like shit and i wanna not be another asshole#oh i remember why he kept delivering to us like that it was bc i said please and i put in the delivery instructions#to have a nice day or 'drive safe' and he thought that was so nice. like well im a nice person... and i want you to deliver my pizza w/o#you risking an accident trying to be quick like dominos (look up why it's no longer 30 min or less)#dominos is such nasty ass pizza too omg sgsggsgs we got it ONCE bc DogCousin likes it and god never again#it was like $70 or something for 3 people yuck id rather nasty ass papa Johns cardboard shit than that#anyway shshshhs
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oh my god i am so crampy that i cannot move right now so fuck it. ag watch through is happening. will be tagging it with #ag watchthrough if anyone wants to mute that. one post with all my thoughts per episode .I did this once before but couldn't commit, but I'll try again. I need something to focus on right now, but not something I need to THINK about and this feels like a compromise. The goal will be one episode a day, counting queueing posts. Will I regret this a third of the way through season one? probably but so it goes.
#long tags. accidental methodology infodump#my therapist wants me to schedule time to relax so i can do this and say i set aside at least twenty minutes a day#genuinely need to get the cramps sorted out before i stop online classes though#i cannot function out in society like this#doctors were like 'yeah sounds like endo. no we won't check.'#like okay :) thanks :))) 👍#would love to see more studies and info on the link between endo and eds#bc there are heavy anecdotal links#it seems like a really common comorbidity#i found one study that showed a link but it was from 1995 and was of 41 women#and it wouldn't let me in to actually read over the study and methods. it was author info and the abstract only#so idk how much was self reporting or what#and it looked like a voluntary selection which skews stuff BUT I COULDN'T GET IN TO LOOK#bc like ok here's the thing#Do I think there is a link given how heavily people report overlap and given the width of eds comorbidities? yes#but in a study where people volunteered for it#if they saw 'eds/gynecological disorder study applicants open'#then people who experience eds AND gynecological disorders will likely be the ones who apply for it#so any link might be misrepresented as having a larger correlation than it actually does#GOD I would love to get into this kinda stuff for a career if i could only do math#and like it gave numbers but no baseline#it said that the correlation was certain percentages but did not give percentages to compare it to for the general population in the abstra#and numbers like that are important due to their context and can be meaningless or innacurate without it#like. COMPLETELY RANDOM AND INNACURATE example. numbers are bullshitted#you can say that people should avoid traveling in cars because five percent of car crashes are fatal#that sounds worrying doesn't it? you can accept the 'thesis' as fact based on that statistic. it sounds reasonable.#and 70 percent result in up to severe injury#but you need the context to look at how many people use cars every single day and don't get in crashes#you need that larger context to it because cars ARE safe actually#and also think. what does the statistic count as 'injury'?
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unsolicited medical advice from a customer today 😃
#firstly. i was in training she was literally my first customer. secondly. i am VOLUNTEERING i'm not even paid to be here. thirdly. why the#fuck would i tell you the details of my immune system fuckery. i have Got to get better at just going 'no' to people tbh#didn't want to seem rude. but there is only so far Customer Service Voice can take you#other than that it was a really good time i enjoyed it. but like. my first customer#even my supervisor was like wow i cannot believe the first people you got were like that. are you ok#neon has thoughts#the essence of the conversation was this:#me (wearing a mask): hi can i help you! :)#Person I Have Never Met: why are you wearing that (as well as asking for her ticket)#me: uh. medical reasons? i'm immunocompromised?#her: (stares at me for a moment) so what are you doing about that#me: ????#the mask???#her: like are you taking vitamins to Boost Your Immune System. because the mask won't help it actually makes things worse.#me: here is your ticket! :) (please go away)#this all took place while i was waiting for the ticket to print. sigh#her intro was actually more like 'are you ok' which i initially thought was because i looked too obviously like a person who has literally#started 5 mins ago. but no.#ANYWAY. frustrating situation. in theory i know i should've just said personal reasons but i didn't wanna be rude (especially not while i#was actively being watched by supervisor) so it was like. well what do you want me to say#'boost my immune system' I Have A Disease Random Woman I Have Never Spoken To In My Life
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.
#i think one thing i really didn't prepare for w overnights is just how fucking lonely it is. like yeah 80% of the reason i took it was to#get away from customers but like. it worked. and the night shift team is v v small. there's only 4 of us and we've never been scheduled all#at once yet. and usually we're running around on completely opposite ends of the building going long periods of time without#radioing each other. and then i come home all amped up and the rest of my house is still asleep. and then when they wake up#it's just to get ready and go and we don't really have time to talk. and by the time they get back i'm sleeping#and it's my first night off and i can't fuck up my whole schedule i worked so hard to switch over to w them flipping me all over the place#so now i'm just like. sitting in the half light trying not to wake anybody up not doing anything. the only places near us open are#gas stations and i can't exactly loiter there and what would i do even if i could. and it's too cold to go for a walk or to the park#or something. and i feel like i haven't talked to another human being about something that wasn't related to work in years#and it's only been a week.#and we can listen to music or podcasts or something but our carts and machines are so loud you miss half of it. and we can't hold#super long conversations when we ARE in the same room for the same reasons. plus we all want to die so none of us feel like talking.#and just. im tired and lonely and want to sleep and im already regretting this but i'd feel bad for backing out now when they have so#few options and i volunteered for it in the first place#and then there's also like. even just doing my usual solitary thing at home feels so much more isolated bc there's not the noises#of other people existing nearby. the nearest signs of life are some coughing and then a car on the other side of the block#just. what am i even doing here.#tag ramble
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continuously amazed at the fact that I have friends now
#I spent almost twenty years of my life (mostly self-)isolated and never really had friends?#like I had my best friend and usually one or two people in school I’d get along with#but I have changed so much during the covid years (20-22) both due to starting Uni and starting my volunteer job#that I actually got more social. as in I enjoy it a lot more. and I have so many people who I would consider friends.#and now I have friends who genuinely care about me and who I like and with whom I love to spend time and it’s amazing#who new that friendship actually was supposed to be fun???
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July 23
#1. the weather this month was horrible. how is it raining this much in the middle of summer? so annoying#2. July was a month full of having mehmaan or going to visit other peoples houses. I’m a pretty social person and I usually love spending#spending time with family but this was a bit too much#I made my version of knafeh after quite some time (without a recipe really) and it turned out good 😃#3. flowers my mum regretted buying cause after paying she saw other ones she liked more and which were cheaper lol#4. these beads I used last year to make necklace. wore it only a few times so decided to change it and make it into a phone chain. also#got this cute sticker from work. cute right. my inner child is really happy with the amount of cute stickers I can just use#5. every year there’s this group of Muslim youth from another city. and they organise a carnival type a thing for the kids in their city#2 years ago I volunteered there and decided to do it again this year. it’s not in my own city but our masjid is in that city. took my mum#+ little brother with so he could play. my aunt also came with her kids and it was a really nice day. the whole thing was organised and run#by Muslims and was free for all. i had a good time helping out and was asked if I wanna join the committee (?). I declined#bc it’s a little too far for me to be present throughout the year. I will continue to help on the day of in sha Allah. anyway they did do#catering for the volunteers and it was from one of my favourite restaurants in that city. I kinda know the owner so when I saw him when I#joked if my favourite cheesecake would also be provided today. he said unfortunately not but he’ll bring some just for me so he did 🥺#6. made a little heart w my baby bros hair#monthly recap
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think they changed from "anyone who wants to do ot let us know :)" to "we're going to request people do ot if possible" just for me<3
#literally in what world would i just volunteer to do ot#its really funny shes asking me to do it this weekend bc like. i have no work. ill do it bc theyll pay me but fr why am i here#i just told my prod i need MORE work and yet shdjsn#i think a lot of people on my project are doing ot its so weird like. girl for what lol its not even crunch time yet youre all so weird
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the only way i can be assertive is to be really angry
That's why I like anger (when it's righteous not unjustified and hurtful) because it actually gives you energy while fear freezes you
Sometimes people are completely impervious to gentle and polite assertions of boundaries and you have to be clear in a way that is blunt and clear with no room for negotiation and it's the worst thing in the entire world and I hate it so much
#Freeze is what I do#Few times I could actually stand up for myself--#And it was great#Makes me want yo br mad al thr time#Anger gives energy and life#Otherwise I have no natural energy#Retiring ugh#-- when people take money from me-- this was online but#I would not let that go til I got my money back#When I put myself between my sister and her ex she was supposed to have no contact with and told him to leave#After that intruder and it was stressful week and I just wanted to relax w my horse#That guy was using my brushes!!!#I was mad and yelled at him#You don't do that without asking#He said "I'm sorry you're so mad. Like!?!?#I'm glad I confronted him I want more of that bottled lightnig plz#I hate how frozen I was those 2 times those men touched me when I was sitting down tired 20 years apart#Gross older men#3rd time I want to act!!!!#When else. . Mad at my sisters ex again before he left#I confronted my sister when she went back to him and I was babysitting jocie at her apt#And she threw all my things out in the hall and I had to go the te church my aunt was volunteering at#My computer to th food party down the road a few blocks also from their house#(My aunt died a few years later ;( she was the best#When else--
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