#people really dying for real is super sad and different

[anamelessfool]

Copia dying?

Tear the bitch apart ✨ aesthetically✨

Make it camp make it big make it iconic

Out of control off the wall off the cliff explosion CAMP

Some of us need the closure (me)

[om2006]

Greetings, Greek mythology community I decided to wake up and choose violence today, OK here we go, HADES AND PERSEPHONE ARE NOT COUPLE GOALS this is not a there are tons of different versions of the myth or you can interpret however you want situation the story of Hades and persephone is explicitly told in the Hommeric hymn to Demeter which clearly states that it was a kidnapping that was approved by Zeus persephone's father, she had no choice in the matter and she doesn't go to the underworld willingly , the oldest source that claims that she does is from a novel written in the 40's by a woman who wanted to make Greek mythology more accessible for young girls like her daughter, never once was it stated in the original myth that persephone loved Hades or her time in the underworld, quite the opposite actually she was sad and she was missing her mother, let's talk about said mother by the way why do you people keep demonizing Demeter? Where did the "she is an overbearing and mean helicopter parent" trope come from? Persephone loved her mother, the story isn't about her relationship with Hades it's about A GRIEVING MOTHER'S search for her daughter, she doesn't freeze the world out of anger or cruelty the world starts dying because she is too sad about the fact that her daughter was taken from her to do her goddess duties, now let's talk about the real world and historical reasons why shipping these two just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, remember in the beginning when I said the kidnapping was approved by Zeus? Well for some reason that immediately absolves Hades of all the blame according to most people but that's not what I wanna talk about, I want to talk about how that's representive of the real world themes that the myth wanted to implement, that nor the bride nor her mother should have a say in who she gets to marry it's only the father Zeus's wish who decided that Hades is a fitting husband without even telling persephone and Demeter that should be fullfiled and the story wants us to support that opinion, when Demeter asks Helios where her daughter is, he tells her but he also basically says "but that's ok because Hades is like super rich and powerful and that's all that matters what should a young woman want other than that? You should be happy that your daughter was taken from you by him" when persephone is leaving the underworld Hades basically repeats that statement and that with him she is going to be super happy and a queen among the dead and in later stories in the mythology we see that she indeed seems to have embraced the scary death queen persona and everyone now is like, "see, it started messy but they love each other and persephone loves the underworld now" and while part of persephone embracing the underworld is related to the fact that she is a much older goddess than Hades who was associated with the underworld before hellenistic culture, in the context of the culture and what the story wants to teach, it's that young brides should always accept whatever home and husband their father chooses for them, it doesn't matter that she was brought to that home against her will, it doesn't matter that she was clearly miserable at first, she will eventually love them. "but Hades genuinely loves persephone and never cheated on her" good for him, he is doing the bare minimum, still kidnapped his wife, just because the rest of the pantheon is worse doesn't make this ok also the fact that he doesn't go out and cheat on her or mess with mortal women is totally not because the Greeks feared writing about underworld gods because they believed it attracts death faster it's because Hades is really just a nice and sweet guy, give me a break

[scammysmileroksuu]

There are many characters I love in lcf, and there are many relationships I adore.

But I think the relationship i love the most is (well okay maybe after the soos) cale's relationship with his ancient powers, and the way each of them somewhat represent a part of cale's personality.

Like in the crazy kid, cale's disrespectful-punk behavior and thevway he cusses and curses a lot, in the glutton; his appreciation of food, in the super rock; his determination to protect his family and the people he care for, in the crybaby; his fear of vicious people or hate towards the thought of getting hurt, in the cheapskate; his love for money and their crazy behavior when it comes to shitshow-ing, in the thief; his love for treasure hunting, looting and causing chaos upon the enemies' heads.

...etc etc etc. Cale is the mashup version of all these souls.

Additionally, they are literally a part of his soul. They kinda know about his past as Kim Roksu (at least some snippets of it), are fighting with him wherever he is, be it in an illusion or a different world, and are always with him 24/7, when he's calm, panicking, happy or sad, even when he doesn't understand what he's feeling.

It also hit me real hard when the super rock explained why Cale can still hear their voices, and Cale still decided not to absorb the ancient powers completely.

Because they're basically cale's only way out of his fear of being alone, because they are always with him no matter what, unless Cale himself dies or decides to take theor power fully in. And that was what made the wind island test 10 times more angsty for me.

He called out to them, but they were not there.

I also love that part when cale went to get the crazy kid's power and named her the sky eating water instead of the water of judgment; it was especially mind-blowing because unlike other ancient powers' trials, this one was actually really hard. And wasn't one mentioned in tboah. And cale was pretty much dying before obtaining that element.

Same goes with the wind island test where their past was revealed and the dots were finally connected– the western continent's past, how the super rock, the hero of the boulders and his friends were separated and died one by one in the mist tragic ways possible.

The super rock's wish for cale and his party to not be separated, it hurts more when you remember he had built the rock villa originally for him and his companions. His comrades he never got to live there with. But then gifted Cale and his family that villa.

Cale calling super rock the scary giant cobblestone at first was a great crack element in the story, hilarious to say the least, especially when he used to ask him if he was going to sacrifice himself. But then super rock told cale not to sacrifice himself when he actually answered yes, super rock's wish for cale not to end up like him, the lonely hero who sacrificed himself for the world.

Not to end up like them, like how him and his comrades did, separated and dying without each other's knowledge.

They are one of the reasons I actually believe lcf is going to have a happy ending. Because unlike the heroes of the ancient times, our Cale knows he should fight for his and his family's happiness, and not just for the world. To run away when it's really dangerous. Because Cale has them to remind him that sacrifice was never the right solution.

And I hope, through Cale and this timeline's heroes, these ancient souls would see peace and happiness after a lifetime of war and loneliness. Would experience what they never got to in their lives.

[literaticat]

With Algonquin closing, ive been hearing talk that YA is dying, YA writers are ditching YA to write adult, and only unicorns and super trendy YA books will get bought now. As a debut author, this is making me feel SO doom and gloom about my career even before it’s started! Do you have any thoughts? Thank u Jenn !

Not to be mean, but baby where have you BEEN?

YA has been "Dying" for like, the better part of a decade, and has been fully rigor mortis, toe up with a tag on it, authors "ditching YA", etc, for several years. If anything, YA has recently experienced something of a reanimation -- the former corpse has officially got a pulse again and is breathing, though perhaps still a little clammy. The hotness of 2024 is complaining about how MIDDLE GRADE is dead. Keep up! ;-)

In reality, everything is cyclical. Categories or genres or trends or whatever boom, they get oversaturated, sales fall off, eventually they come back. And people ALWAYS say that "publishing is dying" that "only trendy books will be able to be bought now" or whatever whatever. I was reading DEAR GENIUS, the collected letters of Ursula Nordstrom (highly recommend btw), and there was this whole part in there about bookstore people complaining that TV was destroying the publishing industry, nobody would buy books anymore, authors should just pack it in, etc. It was literally the same conversation, and that was like 70 years ago.

(For a bit of a reality check, you might check out this post from the pinned FAQ: I heard that traditional publishing is DEAD, is that true?)

As for your opening premise, I think it is faulty, AYR closing hasn't really got much to do with the other stuff.

To be clear: I love Algonquin Young Readers. I have sold many a beautiful book to AYR over the years; they were my special favorite. (Don't tell the others!) Their founding publisher, Elise Howard, who I aspire to be for real, is an absolute Dear Genius herself and a wonderful editor and person (and now, agent)!

I am very grateful to have been able to work with the whole team there for the past decade, and I am sad that the program Elise started and Cheryl Klein and the others continued will be coming to a close, and that two wonderful editors and a terrific marketing person will be looking for new jobs (but I do hope/believe/feel strongly that they will all land in good spots, they are really great!) -- HOWEVER.

Algonquin was bought by Little Brown several years ago. And whilst Algonquin the brand is closing now, those books are not disappearing, they are just being folded in to LB. In other words, the backlist books will still be in print, and the frontlist/forthcoming books are still going to be published, just with a different publisher name on the spine. Also Algonquin only published like... 2, maybe 3 new YA books per season? It's a small list! (Small but mighty! -- but still, very small!)

So.... I'm not sure what, if anything, the news of their closing says about the larger world of YA books? In other words, obviously it is NOT GREAT, it’s a sad loss, we loved that publisher, it's good for the publishing ecosystem to have a variety of publishers so fewer is not good, capitalism and massive corporate conglomeration and whatnot are sucky things, it's awful when nice people are out a job -- but there's zero reason for you to take that news as like, an OMEN about YOUR CAREER or something. It has nothing to do with you. Unless your book was coming out from Algonquin, it won't affect YOU at all. (And even if your debut WAS an AYR book... hopefully those effects would be minimal at the end of the day, as those books are still coming out!)

[shouldhavestayedawayfromhere]

My Thoughtforms

This is my follow-up post on my rant about thoughtforms. I really love my thoughtforms and have wanted to talk about them forever, and now I finally found a place where I could potentially meet people who share my passion. So let me tell you all about them!

Zhang Wei

My very first and longest thoughtform is called Zhang Wei. He has a Chinese background. I don't even know why. It makes no impact really, since he speaks perfect English (and my native language, but we stopped using that ages ago). He's a fire elemental 100%, super energetic and funny. His age is similar to mine and he always kinda grows with me. He has pink dyed hair and loves to dance. He's been my friend in very though times, which is why he was the first to get the privilege of becoming an official thoughtform. Zhang Wei mainly helps me with courage and confidence in situations I'm unfamiliar with. But he can also up my passion and motivation easily.

One funny story I have of him was when I was still taking driving lessons, and my teacher had me drive really steep roads, and I was getting super anxious. I always took Zhang Wei with me to the driving lessons, since my teacher was low-key a butthole and almost made me cry every week. Anyways, as I was panicking internally, Zhang Wei told me "it's alright, even if you die, I promise I'll be there." Which did not initially help the fear but it was so funny to me that it kind of just made the situation ridiculous instead of scary to me. He was so serious tho lol

Matt

My second human thoughtform is called Matt. Matthew in full, but I don't call him that. He's someone's OC I don't even know whose, a drawing I saw on Pinterest, I think. His character just built up from there. He's a water elemental, super calm and chill person. He's currently 27, again, don't ask me why or how I know that I just feel it 🤌. He's Brazilian. Also a fact I don't know why it's relevant but okay. He likes to cuddle, that one's really important. He has comfy vibes and is mostly a safe space for me.

Matt is there when I wake up from a nightmare and need comfort. He's there when I feel the strings of toxic people from my past tugging at my heart and making me feel empty and unvalued. And he's also there when I need a hug, but my sensory issues won't let me, or my autistic ass feels safe with no real person because "they won't understand". He does. He understands and he's there. And he reminds me of Lucifer too sometimes because of the protective vibes. Random, but it had to be said.

Bob

My third thoughtform is Bob. Bob started out as a drawing in my sketchbook. Bob has it/it's pronouns. It's kind of like a personification of an emotion, but in a way that is very gentle. It can shield me from the outside by being all around me like a mass of black goo. Making me safe from my surroundings. I could call it an autistic accommodation thoughtform. I also use Bob sometimes to channel difficult emotions by drawing it in different positions and postures or doing different things. Mostly hard emotions such as sadness, numbness, anger, frustration, etc. Bob is really nice to have around. It doesn't speak, by the way. It's just there. And I'm currently working on a crochet version of it so looking forward to that. Maybe I'll post it when it's done :)

Doggo

And my fourth and currently last thoughtform doesn't have a name. Or maybe it does and I forgot about it. She doesn't really need one though, because she doesn't talk either. And because she's a dog. A pink dog to be exact. She's been with me too before I ever made my first thoughtform official. She's a way I channel my excitement.

I'm one of those Audhd people who are very expressive and show their happiness and excitement by stimming loudly and openly and very freely. That, however, isn't possible in all my surroundings. So, I one day decided to think of her. A pink dog with wings. It sounds silly, but whenever I get too excited, and I can't show it externally, I just think of her power sprinting through the hallways I'm walking in, or sometimes on a field. She'll clumsily jump anything around her, bark excitedly, and let out all the pent up energy I have. It works really well for me to get some of that excitement out of my system until I'm in a safe surrounding where I can openly be my excited, flappy self.

Those are all my thoughtforms. If anyone out there wants to talk about theirs I would be super down to chat about it, I really hope this reaches someone who can relate to this. And if not, I still love to yap, so if you got questions or thoughts don't hesitate to talk to me any way you want I'd be super excited to talk to anyone :)

[timelyrmdoodle]

Alright real talk for the people that follow me here, it's time I came clean

This account is under indefinite hiatus until I can get my mental health and life on track, and I no longer see it as a priority for me

I apologize greatly to all my mutuals that were really expecting me to come back soon and better, but I still have more work to do, I'm currently on recovery from an addiction and I realized it's better for me to cut ties with this. For how long? I don't know. Permanently?

I wanna go ahead and say that I DO NOT blame any of my mutuals that love my art and what I do in this account. I loved doing this and would also love to maybe come back to it someday under healthier terms! You guys all supported me and I'm grateful for everybody that stuck around, I truly do love y'all so much and I wish everyone the best.

This account didn't have the biggest following, at all, it's super niche and at one point it was self indulgent. But I relied so much of my worth on it and this character that it started to become really unhealthy, so unhealthy for me it was sad.

I see it now at a point where my life came apart. And I wanna rebuild. But in a different way. I'm going outside, believe or not, and trying to not be so chronically online anymore. This isn't an offense on anybody, of course, just what's better for me personally.

If you still want to stick around with me and me only, I'm more active on my Instagram, even if it is minimal. It might not have a bunch of your favorite character anymore, but it might still have my art every once in awhile, and I appreciate it so much if anybody is interested. If not, that's fine too. I'm glad you were here when you were, and I hope we maybe cross paths again, share nice moments related to things we like.

I'm not dying, but I am trying to get better, and that is probably different from what you guys are used to. And I hope that's alright.

see y'all around maybe

[gently-decaying-flowers]

some super incomprehensible rant under the cut lmfao

generally speaking my home life caused me to grow up too fast

i see everything- every decision- only in how it will impact my adult life. i’ve never “relished” in being a kid.

there’s so many other factors like neurodivergency, figuring out sexuality yadda yadda that affect how i think

i was talking with my friend late last night about how it’s hard to determine what a relationship is supposed to be and i was mostly speaking on the difference between romantic and sexual attraction from the view of an asexual person. how in all medias romantic attraction is tied to wanting sex with someone and i grew up thinking that’s was love was

and now i’m like- what even is romantic attraction? i need to come to terms with the fact that i will never experience attraction the way “normal” people do. i so badly want a relationship but it’s hard when i don’t even know what that means, and when i think about it i just get stressed and any feelings i thought i had just disappear

maybe they weren’t real in the first place then

on top of that, i can’t get crushes for so many other reasons

no one really knows me as charlie except for my few friends who i don’t go to school with anymore. that means no one at my school knows me- so if i even think i have a crush on anyone i realize there’s no way it would work and i just get sad

and on the topic that started this- growing up too fast. i can’t acknowledge that i have feelings for someone unless i can envision my future with them. because what’s the point? wasting time and energy if it won’t impact my life forever?

and no one else my age things like that- so no one else would even care about the relationship as much as i do. i learned that the hard way.

it just feels really lonely. i have friends who understand- i mean ive met the friends who im going to have for the rest of my life so i dont have to worry about dying along obviously. but its hard feeling and knowing i want something that’s going to be impossible for me until i become an adult, lean into who i am, and find a person who feels the same way i do.

[okthatsgreat]

Ocs in AHL anon here, I'm now wondering how well your OCs would deal with the Convention from lgowab.

YOURE SO COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok ok ok so. long story short: not fucking well

SPOILER TAG FOR LGOWAB LOL

just to get her out of the way, i honestly think billie would be fine. shes fifteen years old but not a season 53 member so i guess she'd be a spinoff character?? not involved in the main plot, kinda like a warrior of hope maybe. shes unassuming and nobody would be actively targeting her, she would NEVER be chosen as an enforcement team member, so as long as she keeps to herself she'd be fine. honestly it would just come down to luck, worst case scenario she gets gunned down after a failed task (this honestly seems most likely lmfao).

i think season 50 would be eighteen/nineteen at this point (since their season aired mayyyybe threeish years ago), so unfortunately most of the convention considers them to be past the age of "kids". which means theres not gonna be a lot of people watching out for them. Sad! sae is one of the "older" participants at 34 so she'd really be on her own here

from most to least likely to survive/what probably happened to them here we go (THIS IS NOT INCLUDING THE RANDOM FACTOR OF THEM BEING GUNNED DOWN BY THE FAILED TASK!!! ALSO TW FOR SUICIDE):

yoshito is fine i think. he's a protagonist that is liked enough and pretty damn harmless in most peoples eyes, so he'd have some kind of influence and isnt likely to be targeted. he wouldnt be asked into the enforcement team but he'd likely lean more towards the future foundation's side. he'd absolutely be in mental agony over his "i can save everybody" mentality but he'd make it out alive!

mika is smart enough to stick by yoshito and has been with danganronpa enough to learn how to survive it, she's scrappy and headstrong and i reckon she'd be fine. again she would lean more towards the future foundation side of things, would have major feelings of inadequacy and would have multiple breakdowns throughout the entirety of the convention but would probably make it out with a few scratches

sae would be asked onto the enforcement team just because of her physical strength and she would not have a good time about it, might have a target on her back during the latter half of the game but would be fine for most of it. would spiral quite a bit and definitely emerges with like a million mental illnesses resurfacing

rie is smart about appearances and extremely paranoid about her safety after her killing game so she would do quite a lot to survive. not sure if this includes killing anybody but she would deffffinitely change quite a bit. joining the enforcement team will be veryyyy difficult just because she isn't close enough to mondo/sayaka to get in while the team is being formed and she can't sell her smarts like miu did, but i think she'd try? that, or i can see her forming a more lowkey kind of alliance just so she has more people around her to protect her. super paranoid about not dying again, definitely has an ugly breakdown at some point, probably attracts a bit more attention than she would like to

ryobe would struggle BAD. BADLY. he has serious trauma from getting killed by a gun and what is the primary weapon of this convention? GUNS. he would be a completely different person, genuinely so frightened and traumatised, totally unlike his normally goofy and lighthearted self. would get irritated easily and become emotional at the drop of a hat. i have no doubt in my mind he would run around like mad and get himself caught in even further chaos. also he's the antag of his season so he has somewhat of a target already. would definitely need to be wrangled in to survive

erin would be in TROUBLEE since she has already been established as an AHL member. major target, massive presence, would really struggle to keep up her persona and actually could become quite violent if provoked and frightened enough. i think it's unlikely she survives this one to be real with you

straight up i think naomi just takes herself out i dont think there is a universe where she doesnt have a serious psychotic break and kill herself to be real with you. she can not handle another killing game and especiallyyy after her killing game and all of the trauma she is struggling to endure she would absolutely be the person who walks off the roof at the beginning of the story

and andi, of course, is a hologram

THANK YOUUU FOR THIS QUESTION!

[runthepockets]

Finished Shameless. Thoughts:

Gallavich 5ever bitch.

Frank dying actually made me pretty sad. I assumed he would have gotten covid or something being that he's old and conservative, but watching him slowly get worse with his dementia and watching his body fail was way more tasteful and actually made me feel bad for the old bastard.

Liam ended up being pretty awesome by the end. I wondered if they were just gonna be colorblind to him being the only black person in a white family but they actually handled his character arc really well and made him really well rounded and sympathetic. He's got all the street smarts and wit and charisma of his family but he's also the only Gallagher that you can say is a good person, which is a great balance for a little black boy to strike.

Carl's character arc with the police force was actually really tasteful? I was expecting him to just be a sadistic asshole and that it was gonna get played off / played for laughs the whole time, cus, ykno. But he was the only guy on the force who actually cared about doing the right thing and they just demoted him to a meter maid over it, and he just dished out justice via writing parking tickets for rich assholes and letting the poor people off scott free. Imo his character wasn't actually that inconsistent he went from a boyish thug, to a "tough guy" lout, to a kind, respectful, upstanding young man who still maintained a charming level of mischief and a disturbing interest in violence. He was younger than his other siblings and had a much different temperament than all of them (most noticably Debbie) so his ending just made sense to me.

I wish Fiona got to be in the finale, and I wish we got to see Mandy one more time too.

Lip's character arc wasn't actually that disappointing to me, it felt very real? Yeah he's a smart guy he went to college and tried to do everything right, but has always come up short cus he's constantly getting in his own way, be it via his lack of impulse control or his anger issues or both or neither. Him being stuck working doing Doordash or Postmates or whatever to make ends meet feels very real. Him fixing that guy's Crypto code and saving that guy's business only to get tipped a meager 4 bucks in the end is pretty all encompassing of being a smart guy with no money or connections, like it just is what it is sometimes.

Imo Debbie had the most disappointing character arc of the series. I wouldn't say it's a surprise she grew up crazy considering she, like, stole a baby from a birthday party as a kid cus she was lonely, and followed Jimmy to his mom's house to figure out about his double life, but a lot of her charm in those days was due to an integral childish innocence and naievete that everyone runs out of by the time they're like, 15. I like that she still had a strong sense of justice, I still think she was pretty smart and tough for the most part, I don't hate her or anything, but Jesus. A lot of the shit she did toward the end was just super frustrating and made no sense, she was just really bratty and bitchy and kind of a woman child toward the end, just starting a bunch of pointless beefs for no real reason, dating that ex con with a huge rap sheet cus she was a worse / "more pathetic" person than Debbie. Idk bro it was just weird. I did like her dynamic with Fiona as the only two female Gallaghers to Fiona leaving and her becoming the "matriarch" figure from then on pretty interesting but ultimately Lip was the better "parent". Lol.

[avionvadion]

Kai'mana has finally gotten some decent camp clothes! The drow clothing looks super good on her with her scales, honestly. Astarion got the armor, Kai'mana got the clothing, lol.

Mostly just screenshots of my Dark Urge Kai'mana being pretty, but there are ASTARION ROMANCE SPOILERS below.

This is my second playthrough (because I lack self-restraint) so there are mentions of things that are revealed in Act Two.

ASTARION, PLEASE. XD

BABY. FEATHER BABY.

PROTECC

SHE GETS TO CARRY HIM!???? I LOVE IT.

I guess Dragonborn do count as the "buff" body type...

I can't actually believe they had the Dragonborn smooch. With their snouts, I figured Dragonborn would kinda... nuzzle or bump noses??? Something really affectionate and cute. Anyways, that's my headcanon. Astarion can place kisses to her snout, but she'd nuzzle his hair or something.

I do wish there was a way to trigger the romance without having to sleep with him, though. Especially since he later clearly expresses in Act Two that he's sex-repulsed/demisexual.

It's so interesting romancing Astarion from the beginning again, because you can tell when he's being genuine and putting on an act. And it's so sad. I want to give him all the hugs.

SHE'S. SO. FREAKING. PRETTY. LOOK AT HER SCALES. GORGEOUS. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. AHHHHHHHHHHH. HAVE YOU SEEN A PRETTIER DRAGONBORN DRUID???

Just... another screenshot of Kai'mana being ridiculously gorgeous, don't mind me. Also, I like that Volo was nice enough to replace her eye with a matching pink one- even though it's not necessarily identical, since the sclera of the fake one is white whereas the iris of her real eye takes up the whole space.

Gods, you're really pretty too. Even though I know the truth. T_T

NEW ARMOR. DYED.

She looks so badass. :3

I thoroughly enjoy how different her scales look in the different lightings. Sometimes they're the usual, sometimes they look purple with blue accents, sometimes they're black with blue accents- it's so fun. Really adds to the mystique, me thinks, and the charm.

I love this silly man so much.

Imagining Kai'mana and Astra (my Tav) in the same playthrough is so fun. But also I feel like if they both existed Kai'mana would actually be paired with Gale, since I love Astra with Astarion too much. That said, Kai'mana would still have that little thing with Shadowheart in the beginning because of how much they just click and get along, before realizing they're better off as besties.

Astra is the brains, Kai'mana is the brawn- Astra knows better than to have people poking her eyeballs, Kai'mana is like, "Y'know what? Couldn't hurt to try" and can now see invisible, lol.

And Astra would make sure BARD BESTIE IS SAFE.

Anyways, this is Astra for those who don't know. :3

Yes, I'm obsessed with the color blue. T_T

Her full name is Astra Tav'aria Duskraalis! Tav'aria is the pseudonym she uses for her works, as she is a Sorcerer Bard, while Duskraalis is her Drow surname. Her mother was a Wood Elf, while her father was Seldarine Drow.

[masschase]

6, 14, 23, and 24 for casey for the edgy ask meme

Edgy/Misc OC ask meme (still accepting, will spread throughout the weekend)

This is a super long post due to my answer to the last one! If I tagged you in this it just means I mentioned your Boss OC somewhere in my list of universes Casey exists in, don't feel it means you have to read it! 😅

6. How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

Casey arguably doesn't have much of a moral compass to begin with so if something goes against it, chances are it's something she has a strong personal objection to/thinks is pure evil. On that basis I don't think it'd be that easy.

That said, if someone knew her well enough to appeal to what's important to her, to convince her that it's beneficial for her friends/the Saints as a whole, I think she could eventually be swayed.

14. How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

Casey spends a lot of time claiming to be unapologetic about who she is, but at the same time I think deep down she does want everyone to be her friend, and I think in some convoluted way the whole "I'm an asshole, take me or leave me" thing is actually a mix of self-defence and thinking people find that attitude itself appealing. And a little bit of truth, lol.

I think the proof of this is in the fact she gets surprised when people actually like her vulnerable side. She thinks showing her vulnerability makes her unlikeable. So the fact she hides that makes it clear to me she wants to be liked. I think one of the reasons she mirrors other people's traits (sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously) is related to this too.

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Grief is one of the hardest for her to process, I think, it's why it invades her subconscious in dreams and such so heavily. In fact I think grief that she's not fully dealt with affects her character in a lot of ways. I don't know if forgiveness is an emotion but if so she's terrible with that too. She has a pretty good memory and she holds grudges like... forever.

In terms of express, you'd think it would be loving feelings but actually although she avoids romantic love for so long, I don't think she actually finds it hard to show love in general, she just has her own ways to express it. Like ok, she's not great at initiating physical touch as I'm sure I've said like 1000 times, so she might not hug her friends much but she'd die for them. She will occasionally express her affection for them verbally, she's a pretty good gift-giver, she's chill with a lot of things that might annoy other people.

So this ties back into the grief thing but my actual answer would be any kind of overwhelming sadness, really, because she struggles to cry so much. She has that thing I've talked about before where she finds it hard to cry about real life, but cries at movies and other media. If it's a movie where the situation is actually relateable, she practically breaks down.

Therapy does change that a little. Like if a friend were dying in her arms then yeah she'd be sobbing if she's post-therapy(whereas pre-therapy, say with Carlos she sat there staring into space for a good while). But stuff like Johnny "dying" on the plane, the earth blowing up? It's not as visceral, so she struggles to process it. And seeing as she's a very denial-based character, she spends so much longer in that first stage.

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

Ohhhhhhh this is so hard because thanks to AUs I have so many different iterations of this! But I'm going to look primarily at events her life and not so much at external factors like the earth exploding or not exploding, the Saints becoming vampires... etc. etc.

I play around with her age in a few AUs because I believe that has a major impact on her family life. (and ok it's partly because of the "coma years don't count" joke bc she's always 1990 if she's the Boss) Being taken care of by her sister means a larger gap actually means better care, though more isolation from her peers without Mori. It creates quite a different person.

I also play around with her level of education and whether she got anywhere with the literature degree she wanted to do. I find it funny that she often ends up like... a librarian before leaving to do something cool like be a vampire hunter or an assassin or a jewel thief. All I know is I can't just like... leave her there. I think it's funny but I don't like that for her forever. She's too good with tactics and pistols and being awesome, obviously.

But what about more specific choices/differences? (a.k.a. ooh an excuse to list some of my AUs!)

I had mentions of some choices her parents made before her birth: investing in what turned out to be amazing stocks, moving to Paris for her dad's job, naming her the other choice for her name. They could all lead to different possibilities for Casey/Sephy, but if all of these take place, she becomes Persephone Brimstone, that is the Agents Of Mayhem Universe. I actually... don't know much about AOM but I made a little throw-in mention of it so it counts as a possibility. One could argue Johnny picking the reset ending of GOOH is actually what causes this, but in-universe, that's the explanation.

Obviously the big one is whether she ends up on that street corner, like that's always the determining factor to whether she becomes Playa(whether or not she becomes "Boss" is not necessarily in line with this choice as I'll get into in two different places below). There are a few reasons that she might not be there as I've got into before.

If she's alone there, and goes through more or less all the canon events of SR1-GOOH, as well as my in-between and post-game additions, that is Casey's Main Universe.

But... what if she quite literally bumps into a boy of around the same age on that street corner right before everything goes down? That's @zoo-the-saint's Zoo! If so, chances are they go through most of the events of SR1 together, setting up some other tangents leading to multiple AUs:

-> When Julius leaves it ambiguous which of them they leave the gang to, does it end in a stalemate? That's one of the Double Boss AUs! Those two fuckers have their ups and downs friends-wise (and benefits-wise) but they always seem to do everything together, get the best of both worlds in any sort of two-way choice, and are Definitely Totally Not In Love Because They Don't Do That Sort Of Thing.

-> -> The original Canon Compliant Double Boss AU is one I wrote a long ramble for way back and might post some time, and this is the one I know for a fact ends with the Zoo/Matt/Casey triad Cazoom. It incorporates Casey and Zoo's stories with Matt in their own universes as best as I could.

-> -> There is also a situation where the two Bosses end up being idolised but later hated by Noah Johnson/The Faceless, who captures and tortures the Saints and kills many of them leaving the others devastated. That's The Cult Of Celebrity AU, and I'm mentioning this for a really important reason; this is the only AU I have that features Santo Ileso! With the remainder of the gang all pretty broken, and intent on she and Zoo retiring, Casey suggests the survivors make a fresh start there, with the Saints name being taken over by one of their most resilient lieutenants, @iamkinzie's Rose, who ends up recruiting Kevin, Neenah and Eli.

Orrrrrrr... going back to the fight in SR1, do Casey and Zoo fight until he gives her a chance to run and she takes it out of (not that she'll admit it) genuine fear for her life? That's the Sinners AU. She holds a grudge against the Saints for many years and eventually stages an attack post-SR3. A very loosely Die-Hard inspired New Year's attack 😆 I want to do some designs for all the characters outfits so badly but it's going to be a big project!

So... on the other side of things, what if Casey's not on that corner? What if she's never Playa?

Well I do have the undefined potential universe where Casey is NOT Playa but IS Boss; taking over the Saints in Saints Row 2. This was just based on the fact that I didn't try and make her when I first played SR1, I just made A Random Dude(not to be confused with Noah who is Just Some Guy). I never really sorted out what then happens to the original Playa in that situation. We'll call that the Boss Swap AU? Tbh the only time I can see using that is if someone else wants to write a story with me with their OC as Playa, because I don't have much of interest to do with my own OCs in that position yet.

There's a few scenarios where I can see Casey ending up as a lieutenant of the Saints because she joins during SR2 under an existing Boss. Depending on age, as above, this can be at 16 and she has a similar temperament to sr1, or it can be at 21 when she's had some time to develop as her own person, and I think that really impacts what sort of person she is. Anyway, without the SR1 interaction with Dex she never becomes as good a tactical planner, and she's obviously not the leader, so she's really just a skilled gunwoman and thief.

If she has no real association with the Saints, but is still very much drawn to a life of crime and longing for slightly older women, that's potentially the toXic Universe! She falls for @snail-eggs Xixi Rosario(also not a Boss in this universe though I imagine she still has ties to the Saints due to her family) and follows her around like a puppy (where's that "submissive like an attack dog is submissive" thing again?). They steal and get wasted and fuck and crash cars and confess their love while being dragged away in handcuffs. They're not good for each other but the love is there. In the long term... if they're lucky they might end up escaping to a desert island together. Or Casey ends up in a triad with Xixi's younger sister Van and her boyfriend who is definitely not Matt Miller. But most likely they die while speeding away from the cops 🥲

If she highly idolises the Saints and their pink-haired leader in her teens (again this is with her having the '95 birthdate) but gets told she's too young (by the way she has some major similarities to Noah here but her reaction is... FAR less convoluted and deranged) when she asks to join, and sets up her own gang, Negative Space... that's @whoredmode's Anteros's Main Universe. NS is not the kind of well organised, professional gang she has with the Sinners. Frankly Anteros's Saints take them out pretty easily. After that... well I would say that whole thing probably scares her back to getting her degree as mentioned before, and probably does work at Stilwater Library for a while after all. After that... well there's plenty of interesting stuff going on in Stilwater on that universe, it'd be interesting to know if she gets involved in any way. Teddy, I leave her in your capable hands; if you think of an interesting way she can be involved then I'd love to know, if not that's fine too! Either way she's your problem now 😆

And then for something different entirely, there's Saints High, which sees all the canons and all the ocs in school together and basically-

...OK just kidding. Mostly. I don't usually do those kind of "x if they were y" AUs, though I'm sure one will suddenly smack me across the face one day. I do have other AUs. It's just that they're not down to factors in Casey's life so much, more changes changes in canon characters lives or other factors.

Anyway... wasn't expecting this to end up quite this long and I'm not even sure how well it answered the question but as you can tell, I had a lot of fun with it!

[lovestuckyhatemarvel]

What? Am I finally rewatching season 3 of Stranger things? And is this me watching s3e1? Yes, yes it is. Why did I take so much time between seasons 2 and 3? Broken brain, innit?

1.) I understand they must have done so much work for the opening sequence of the Russian scientists turning the keys and starting up the thing that spins and does electric shit and opens a portal but I’m mostly focused on how there’s a noticeable difference between the portals and tentacles/vines between each season. Like really obvious if you’re watching them as closely together as I have been lately.

2.) I forgot the machine fucking explodes after failing to hold a gate open and they slow mo a bunch of randos dying.

3.) I also forgot how absolutely cartoonish the Russians are in this. That soldier went full Darth Vader on a random scientist for no fucking reason. God, the Duffers are boring.

4.) Oh yeah, this is the season when Hopper becomes annoying.

5.) Steve is adorable in his cute little Scoops Ahoy outfit. His shorts are longer than the kids’ shorts are. How do people think those shorts are slutty? Literally even Mike is wearing shorter shorts than Steve.

6.) I forgot there’s a power outage to the mall in episode 1. IDK how since Steve flipping the light switch a bunch and Robin calling him dingus for the first time in the show is referenced by like so many steddie writers.

7.) I forgot that dirt moving on its own is a plot point here.

8.) ‘Let there be light’. Steve Harrington is a dweeb.

9.) Will’s spidey senses are tingling

10.) I never noticed that Mike and Will have almost the same hair this season.

11.) Oh yeah, the beginnings of the duffers not actually understanding feminism because they don’t understand the intersection of sexism and classism.

12.) I forgot Dustin gets back episode 1. Maybe it’s because steddie fics space things out differently, but I thought I remembered it being like, episode 2 or something.

13.) I forgot all of Dustin’s toys lure him out thanks to El and it causes Dustin to spray Lucas in the eyes with hairspray for like a full 15 seconds.

14.) I want to force feed Billy Hargrove his own goddamn hair. Karen Wheeler, I still think you probably have really shitty politics but you deserve better than Billy.

15.) Hopper seems to have forgotten literally all his character development from season 2 just so Duffers can do the overprotective dad bit. Like what the fuck do you mean Hopper doesn’t know what a heart to heart is? I’ve seen the flashbacks to how he interacted with Sara. I saw the goddamn time he contacted El over the radio to apologize for being a shithead at the end of season 2!!!!!!!! Please stop acting like this grown ass man doesn’t understand what an apology is at this point.

16.) I love Max with all my heart

17.) Steve really is so bad at flirting. I would die for him.

18.) I really hate that suddenly Joyce has to teach Hopper, the guy who has comforted and sweet talked his way into literal government facilities, how to fucking talk to people nicely. Like DID THEY WATCH THEIR OWN SHOW? THIS MAKES NO SENSE. This characterization only works if you literally forget seasons 1 & 2.

19.) So many rats. So many really obviously fake rats. That’s not to say I’d want the exploding rats to be real, but something about the lighting on them or something is off.

20.) Will just wanted to play D&D but this season he’s Foreshadowing instead.

21.) Joyce is so goddamn sad and I would be too. RIP Bob Newby.

22.) Hopper really is a cartoon character of himself this season. Also why is he still in his work uniform this late at home?????? WHY CAN HE NO LONGER TALK TO CHILDREN AT ALL????? Suddenly he’s lying about a child’s grandma.

23.) Okay but Max is a genius and is super pretty.

24.) I think Will constantly asking for D&D and everyone blowing him off is why they think he’s the DM even though he isn’t

25.) IDK if I noticed before that the Russian code is literally translated in the subtitles

26.) I’m still shocked the fandom loves Billy as much as they do since he’s obnoxious, racist, and definitely up for being a cheater, and usually at least one of those things is a dealbreaker for people on tumblr to think he’s fuckable. Usually the ‘fucks married women’ part.

[fitzpirations]

Some thoughts on me seeing Days of Wine and Roses like,, almost a month ago now but I don't feel like editing it other than to add a few extra bits in bold & at the end. Overall, I really enjoyed it! Intrigued at what's next for the cast & crew, and if I could see it again/replicate my first viewing I probably would.

My thoughts, like film have developed and I am mostly out of a terribly weird headspace that I was unfortunately stricken w/ this weekend and I gotta say I loved Days of Wine and Roses.

~~~~~~~

I do think it’s perfect in the theatre it is right now & while I would LOVE for it’s actors to win very big awards for it and do believe they are due… for me a transfer is not the right move. Willing to debate on it! I think the story is important and unique and beautifully told but,, I also think the set/sound/lighting design @ Atlantic is special and can’t imagine it staged differently. It perfectly fits that space and needs that intimate of an audience, in my opinion.

anyway, this isn’t a full review & no one cares, but I’m so stoked with how things turned out & with my friend and I scoring great cancellation ticket seats & seat upgrades for a very cheap price and the fact that REDACTED who I adore was also there. my friend spoke to them while I blacked out- it was very neat. So embarrassed of myself for our post-show interactions that I’ve physically cringed and tensed up every time I think about it but! The show keeps replaying in my head and I’ve been thinking more and more about how it was told and listening to the demos and I just think how great is it to see a new piece of live theatre! I went in knowing a barebones plot (and purposely avoided real reviews, the demos, and the original movie) and was so happy to go on that ride. I do so so wish my mental health wasn’t being all finicky because I think I would’ve been all the more immersed in it but- nothing I can do about that. Luckily I didn’t say much of anything to the redacted actors in question, but my lack of interaction with one while my friend spoke to them and kept nudging me & my theatre equivalent of “good game” to the other will haunt me forever ❤️ my only consolation is I believe I wasn’t memorable in my presence & that maybe 1 day I’ll properly meet these people who I literally adore as a fellow creative. Wouldn’t that be nice. Until then, I will continue to beat myself up about it LOL. It’s so,,, I hasten to actually explain it more, but I feel about 3 feet tall thinking about it.

And did they drink ANY wine the whole time??? I’m very Kirsten in the first few scenes-coded in that I don’t drink and really never should be convinced to, haha. So I’m not super knowledgeable on names of booze- but I think I would have noticed them drinking wine, red wine at least. And no roses, just sad tulips. Oh! I could go on about the 2 little transition scenes they do with ok, both the “wine” (the bag from the liquor store that they have you you to believe is only holding one bottle) and the “roses” (the soon-to-die Tulips). Like it’s set up as a bit of like? Something to watch while they’re moving things around but actually? It reappears in the actual plot in a large way. And so many moments echo and mirror each other in words, actions, and song between Joe and Kirsten, but the reprises (so to speak) are new and fresh. Just so so neat. What a fun & exciting new piece of theatre. And why is the rolling out of the bed all the way to the front of the stage so funny? maybe it just was to me.

anyway anyway I have a lot of thoughts/they keep coming in and like loading which is wild. Like I’m joking but it’s as if I blacked out?? Perhaps someone on here will appreciate the image of me debating just buying closing night tickets even though I was too cheap to spend full price on any other performance// but a newer friend of mine posted a story of like, the New York Times review on opening night and I responded to it like “I’ve been dying to see this show!” and he was like “yeah haha it’s really good I’m working press on it lol isn’t that funny and I had to take a group pic with Kelli and was emailing her to arrange something and she saw me and called me over by name and gave me a hug- I didn’t know she knew my name!” I worked with this guy on the show I stage-managed recently and he’s in the process of quitting his sweet sweet press agent job and I’m not a close enough friend to acquire tickets from him and let me tell you,,, I was absolutely losing my mind reading this .

cut to my (other, closer) friend and I rolling up to the show without tickets the other night, with just hope & a dream and we were like 'wouldn’t it be funny if we saw like ~celebs/Broadway people because a lot of them are off tonight?' and we were chatting about watching the Tony's and stage-dooring and other unrelated stuff & we get tickets after 20 minutes and go to dinner and when we come back she’s like look it’s REDACTED TONY WINNER and I’m like omg. We go to step into the building proper and who do I see but my literal favorite actor at the moment other than REDACTED who is in the show and I was like friend it’s REDACTED! and she’s like go say hi and I’m like??? No I will not be doing that. And she’s like but he’s your favorite! And hey, we’re here to see REDACTED, who’s your other favorite! It’s a big night for you! But she was so loud that I was like looking straight ahead embarrassed that the random people in line would hear us. Literally what a time though, we had standing room tickets and then we got moved up like twice to center row, perfect view seats. Literally like a day later I was finally like O MY GOSH about it all,,, the desire to not be crazy about any of it and keep cool made me robotic in the moment and I’m very pro leaving-people-who-don’t-know-me-alone, so the circumstances were odd.

Anyway I literally have a notes app I keep throwing thoughts at about the most random moments from the show or the staging and it’s v good theatre. Like I enjoyed it, but wasn’t in love or anything but the more I stew on it, it’s a random choice of adaptation, a weird little show, its stars (including the actress playing their kid) are arguably all too old for their roles, there’s a song in Norwegian?? the opening number didn’t give me the ick but I was scared for my life that Brian was singing all of his lines// like I knew it was going to be a “two-hander” and read that the others other than the kid don’t really sing but that opener,,, I was like o no do I hate this? But also the set was so cool and as a recent big fan of Brian is was v cool to literally see him irl (lame I know) but why does the cast just pose in the beginning and slay for like 30 seconds? Idk but it was v 1950s chic of them idk idk we literally were clapping like,,, YEAH 👏👏👏 yeah! 👏👏 . And the scatting/jazziness of it all, I literally was shook but so pleasantly surprised by it all. What a treat! New musicals!!!

ok i literally never resolved the point I was making that the opening scene was not my thing and I was a bit scared I was going to hate it, but really enjoyed like the following 90%! Something about the first song is that it shouldn't be a song, in my opinion. I get why people are tempted to call it a play with songs, but I do think it's a real musical. Just was a bit cursed watching Joe singing right off the bat when no one else did, imo! If I were to see it/hear it again I may come around to it, but something about the way he was like half-singing was weird to me lol

but also randomly saw something from a video (that I haven’t watched as of yet) of Kelli saying they were supposed to open on BROADWAY February 2021 I think?? (tell me they wouldn't have closed immediately w/ omicron? or am i mistaken, I watched like 3 shows I was rooting for that season close early, and there were a TON) Literally the more I think about the show I’m like,, respectfully don’t transfer to Broadway,, it’s so special where it’s at, like I know Atlantic announced its next season I feel? But I don’t know what theatre it would fit in correctly, they’re all too big and the opposite of the intimate experience it is rn. In a perfect world I literally want them to film this version (which I know is the epitome of highly unlikely) but also, I think realistically other than the star power of the cast and creative team it’s such a hard sell for your typical theater-goer or tourist and I would hate for its history to be one of a flop like,, what have we learned from The Sweet Smell of Success :((( I also learned via Kelli ‘s own post and someone’s reference on here that there’s a full boot of that…someone please me up with a link!

So what have we learned. A lot of takes I have not shared,,, it turns out I can get starstruck and it’s so embarrassing it makes me want to scream. Show is good! I’d love a cast recording and for it to not just die but,,, I’m fearful of the idea of a transfer- it seems like it’s likely happening anyway, someone on the team commented on Kelli’s ig about the Tony's all like “excited for next year!” And my press agent friend is all “they’re eying a transfer!” And it’s not that they don’t deserve it but… idk I will remain skeptical of that. I truly believe it can be a success where it is now, and that just because it isn’t a Broadway show doesn’t mean it isn’t impactful and rewarding creatively and etc etc there is the part in my brain like this is Brian’s Tony tho, no?

I firmly believe had everything w/ Next to Normal gone down differently he would have beat those little Billy Elliots’s in a heartbeat, but I digress. Like other than SSOS which I only have a idea of (and no clue about that year’s competition from the top of my head) he’s been up for 2 comedic roles which are hard sells in a category with “proper,” dramatic roles nominated -as in, actors who appeared in a leading role in a drama- and then ITW-which I have thoughts on separate from who his competitors were- which tows that line and sadly like,, it wasn’t even close for him. I feel like every nom he’s had doesn’t even quite show off how talented he is as an actor like idk how to describe it, but idk. I want a Chip Zien nom & win for Harmony, which my brain tells me may be a featured role but if it’s lead… all hypothetical but I’m not rooting on the show’s downfall… I just think it’s perfect where it is.

Anyway... chaotic highly informal thoughts but I also have a few screengrabs from my notes app note I am going to paste below. Would love to hear someone else's thoughts, and am willing to say, obviously, one of the REDACTED's in question is BdJ.

[nitro502]

I have three binders (ordered two more), a packer, packing underwear, a strap to hold a packer separately, and I’ve ordered a few pairs of shoes with like 2 inch platforms. I even wore a binder while out shopping with my mom. It’s made for comfort so it doesn’t bind the best, but if you know me it should still make an obvious difference. But my mom still hasn’t seemed to pick up on it. Sometimes she says or does something that makes me think she knows. But then she says things that make me think she has absolutely no clue. I feel like I should come out to her and have a conversation about it before I just start presenting. But idk how to even begin that conversation. And I’m scared about when my dad comes back from his business trip in a few days. He’s slowly been getting more and more conservative over the past few years. I’m pretty sure he thinks all trans people are perverts or something. And his mother, my grandmother, is extremely conservative and a Trump fanatic. She will definitely disown me or something. But my dad talks to his mom on the phone every day. I don’t want to cause issues between them. I low key was kinda hoping I could stay in the closet until she dies, but I’m starting to suffocate in here. It feels awful to say, but I feel like I lost the wrong grandmother. My mom’s mom was very open and accepting. The things she said weren’t always politically correct, but she never hated anyone for who they are. It makes me sad to think she never got to meet the real me. My aunt’s wedding is in September. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid and wear a dress. So the clock is ticking. If I want to come out before that I’m running out of time to tell everyone and get a suit. The dress wasn’t too expensive though so I’m not super worried about paying my mom back for that. And I kinda want to come out in June just to be cliche. Idk if I want to change my name yet or even what I would change it to. I’m not even 100% sure on my pronouns. If I want to use he/they like I do on here or just he/him. And idk what to do with my hair. I’ve been going to the same hair salon for forever. They do men’s hair too but they never actually listen to me about how I want my hair. So idk if I trust them to respect me wanting a more boyish cut. But idk where else to go. My hair is getting too long and my ends desperately need a trim though. At least I work a union job now so I know they won’t fire me for coming out. I am nervous about how coworkers and customers will react though. I am so scared and nervous about all of this in general. But I’m also really excited. A big part of me always thought I wouldn’t live to see 30. But instead of dying I’m being reborn.

[rigginsstreet]

Ok not to actually give a real response, but my grandma just passed away and its my first real experience with someone i really knew just not being here anymore, so i really understand what you mean? And all i know is that life is temporary and its that fragility that makes it so beautiful, and what makes it so worth living. Its perfectly fine to fear death because its the end. Its really it. But that's just mortality man. people continue to live through memories, in the words we write and things we do and take. Don't let these fears weigh you down, in the end what's meant for you is meant for you, your life is yours to experience and understand. all of the amazing, all of the dread. I have major anxiety too so like easier said than done, but yeah

Yeah I mean… I don’t wanna get into it cuz I don’t wanna bum everyone out lmfao but I haven’t had anyone close to me die yet. A few cousins and great aunts have died but they all lived out of state so I only saw them once every however many years or they died when I was still super young so it didn’t really hit the same. Although I get sad about that talk sometimes just cuz of like having all these memories of visiting my family and now knowing if/when I go back so many people are gone and it’s all so different. So I know when my immediate family starts dying I am…not going to take it well lmao

Maybe it’s the depression™️✨ but the passage of time is just…nobody’s friend and aging is a nightmare and everything is so deeply sad lmfao but still we must go on I guess

[frogsandfries]

Did I ever tell you guys?

So, when I was really little, like in kindergarten, my womb donor's father died. Obviously, I didn't realize I didn't need to go to a funeral at that age, so I begged her; I was a really curious kid and I wanted to see what a funeral was like.

Uhh, turns out I don't really remember what a funeral was like; I've never been to another since.

Don't take your five or six year olds to funerals, guys.

As a result of attending a funeral at about five or six, periodically, throughout my life, I have been overwhelmed with existential dread and fear. The last time I was this overwhelmed with the fear of dying, I was....in middle school, if memory serves. To clarify, I'm not counting my suicidal period as being afraid of death/dying. Obvi.

Turns out, I'm going through one of those periods right now. So I thought I'd take you guys along with me, as I try to work through this and at least get a little closer to shedding it:

So. Here's the thing. I was super seasonally depressed this summer. It was rainy and stormy when my body was expecting to recharge its seasonal batteries. It probably didn't help that I was off medication, both for my depression and my blood pressure, and high blood pressure causes body-wide inflammation, which can cause the body to go into a bit of a safe mode.

So that's great.

Then, for the first time in aggggeesss, I'm stuck in a very, very small town. Actually, this one is even smaller than the last small town I was stuck in. I literally cannot get out of my own volition. There is no grocery store. There is a library, a bunch of bars, a fishing shop, ONE (1) restaurant and it serves the most half-assed food I've ever eaten from a small town restaurant, and there is a gas station. That. Is. It.

Obviously. No public transit.

I have no freedom. I have the least freedom that I've had since I was in high school. I had more freedom in college, when I had no fucking money.

Okay, so next: I am most likely never going to have a child. Unless I marry someone with either amazing health insurance that would cover fertility treatment (🙄 so not here in the US); or marry someone who makes good-ass money or idk....a fucking miracle that involves me also having sex with someone who isn't complete garbage.

This is a big one for me.

I have harm OCD. As a teen, it was incredibly horrible and had me thinking I should and could never be around children. I thought I was a fucking monster because all I could think when I was around children was all the different ways I could hurt them. I could hurt them horribly and the adults would never know.

But of course, I'm not actually a monster; my brain was just extremely fucked up when I was living with my gene donors.

My brain is still pretty fucked up, but I've been lucky to live in the age of the internet, and a beautiful era of mental wellness. Realizing the thoughts were not real per se really freed me. All of a sudden, I felt like I had a choice about whether or not I had children.

Of course, on the romantic front, uhhh, I'm hopeless. I've dated two people, fucked one, and all three have been garbage human beings who like living in their filth, literal and metaphorical.

Let's not forget, I cannot reiterate this enough. I. Hate. Living. In. Wisconsin.

Much like I tried to downplay the atrocities my womb donor committed against my siblings and me when we were under eighteen, only to live with her again; her behavior didn't change and I was forced to disown her.

I tried to downplay how bad for me living in Wisconsin was. Like I've been saying for months, this summer, the weather was shit and I had fucking SAD in the fucking middle of fucking summer. The humidity is un-fucking-bearable. And I've been having the worst allergies all summer and they're really ramping up to a point where they're affecting my asthma. Which has not happened since I left. Honestly, living in NM, I was starting to wonder why I still had the doctor prescribing me an inhaler--I only used them a few times before they expired. Now that I'm back, I think I'm going to have to ask the doctor to prescribe me montelukast again.

It got so cold all of a sudden when it became October, and the whole house is basically made of paper and popsicle sticks, so there's almost no point in trying to keep it any kind of reasonable temperature. Really, the only solution feels like space heaters and heated blankets. You guys, I haven't been like, uncomfortably cold inside my domicile.....uhhh, ever.

Oh, and let's not forget. I got fucking heat sick for probably the first time in my fucking life. So now I'm kind of cursed, because when you get heat sick once, it makes you more susceptible. I hope that resets at some point sooner than later.

So yeah, maybe it makes sense that I'm feeling some existentiality. I'm the most sick I've been in years, possibly more sick than I've ever been. And I'm extremely socially isolated. At least living in the city, living in an apartment, hearing other people come and go, hearing a city live and breathe around me--from the air traffic to the drag racing out on the freeways--for me, that's peace. Knowing that, even though the public transit system sucks, it gives me the freedom to go most places in the city that I might need or want to go, that's peace.

On top of the social isolation, I was really proud of myself--I paid my entire lease entirely by myself for three years, as well as still paying for other stuff, like my phone and internet and being able to feed myself without food stamps, and have cats, something I've wanted to do since I was living on my own in college. Sure, I hated the fuck out of my job, but I was utterly independent for the first time in my life.

Only to move back to Wisconsin and be basically unable to get or find a new job. I can't rely on my sister for transportation; her hours are crazy all over the place. Until I'm assessed for ADHD, I really do not think I should be driving. I just don't think I can drive. And if I can't drive, and this is where I'm living, I kind of have two options: I can either resume working from home or--more realistically, given that I've been struggling for years with the job thing--I think I should go on disability. So I'm working on that.

Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you? But I'm not done yet.

I kind of don't know what I'm getting so worked up about. My womb donor's mother lived to eighty-five. My womb donor had a fucking stroke because she thinks she knows better than her doctors, but both of my parents are currently about sixty now and still trucking. I don't really think I have anything to worry about. My three grandparents who died earlier all smoked. I have at least another thirty years, but even given my health, probably at least another forty or fifty, or so.

That's plenty of time to make some cool shit.

But more than that, I guess I'm just terrified as shit about what's going to happen. I'm past the age of thirty. I'm slowly, slowly marching toward death. After all, there is no real escape from death, just a delay. It is going to happen. And then what. No fucking idea. My heart is going to stop beating, my lungs stop expanding, my brain stops firing. Done. Over. No more.

Did my grandmother love her husband? Did she die surrounded by love? Why did she have four kids and I can't even have one? Who's going to be at my bedside to notice when my heart stops? Did my grandmother find anyone to spend her last days with? Friends, at least? Will I find anyone to spend my last days with? What am I supposed to do with all my shit? What about the shit that I start and simply don't have the time to finish? What about books I never case in? What about beading projects I never finish? I mean, sure, it's easy enough to case in a book, especially if I leave instructions, "cover with this fabric, add these end pages"; or to follow a beading pattern. But will anybody actually want to finish these things for me? Will anyone care about my shit as much as I do? I don't have a lot of shit to go through, but will anyone be there who will want to? Will there be anyone who wants any of my shit? Will there be anyone who will miss me or notice my absence? Will I care at the age at which I die?

Why am I cursed like this?

Why does it matter so much? I never would have imagined my sister getting a house, never even mind inviting me to live in it. I never in a million years would have imagined myself living in New Mexico--never even mind falling absolutely in love. I never would have imagined there would be a place in the world I could go, and leave, and be the most homesick I've ever been in my life.

I just remembered I put beans on to soak yesterday evening.