#people ask me how I’m using my psych degree

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ABOUT THE HOGWARTS LEGACY MC, PERSONALITY STATS: SEUNGYEON LEE 이승연

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Aventurine Is BPD Coded- Some Thoughts

Ahhh welcome back everybody to another installment of 'Rory writes a ridiculously long essay nobody asked for to shine light on characters who exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder so that we can learn to recognize symptoms portrayed in media that aren't just 'crazy manipulative abusive ex' and start to treat the disorder with a shred of compassion' !!

A good chunk of you follow me because of my essay I wrote on Reo Mikage from Blue Lock, my beautiful borderline princess, and I am PLEASED to announce that my essay is now the first result when you search 'Reo Mikage BPD' on Google, AND he has since been added to the BPD character database !! Saving the world one baddie at a time, no need to thank me B)

Today, I want to write something out that I've been dying to share. I think Aventurine can be read as a BPD coded character, and I think he would be able to cop a diagnosis should he go see a therapist (which we all know he CLEARLY has not done). I've been puttering around posting this because I've been spending so long on a full, all encompassing analysis of this sick blonde man, but I want to take a quick break and kick my feet over BPD Aventurine, so I invite you to come kick your feet with me!

Some context before I start:

1.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I've got the BPD / CPTSD combo meal, so I'm having TWICE the fun !! But seriously though, it's not easy being viewed as crazy and 'bad' all the time. Trauma disorders are rough enough as it is just to live with / overcome, but it's worse when there are books, forums, blogs, shows, ect. dedicated to hating you and talking about how evil you are. So, I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). Fans, characters, and even Aventurine himself refer to him as 'crazy' 'insane' 'unstable' which only further rang my BPD bells because he's not crazy; he's just traumatized!

2.) I’m not a psych, so I obviously can’t diagnose real people, and don’t use any of this to diagnose yourself (I don't need the scandal!) I do, however, have a masters degree in English and structured the basis of my education and published my thesis on mental health, cluster B personality disorders specifically, so I read and research a LOT. I’m confident enough in my knowledge to diagnose anime characters (lol).

3.) If you're somebody who has a weird hangup about borderlines, feel free to either not read this, or do read it and soak up some useful information! Regardless, I know Aventurine fans can have some really wild takes (/neg) , so believe what you want at the end of the day! This is just my interpretation of what's festering in that sad brain of his. You can disagree all you want to, but what we're not going to do is spread hateful stereotypes or perpetuate negative stigmas about BPD! That's cornball behavior and I will call you out for it ^-^

CW for discussion of death, suicide, self injury, and identity disturbances

Anyways, if you ask me, Aventurine has a case of Beautiful Princess Disorder, and I'd like to explain why <3 So, buckle up! This will be another long one.

First, let me define BPD: it's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. Though it's coined as a 'personality disorder', I urge you to look at it as a trauma disorder. People most often develop it when they are repeatedly traumatized during their formative years. It actually overlaps a TON with complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is why a lot of us baddies end up with both! (On that note, you could definitely view Aventurine as CPTSD-coded as well! I'm a stinky kinnie so I'll just say he's both <3) I won't preach too much on why it's so necessary to treat borderline as a traumatic stress disorder (since hopefully I'll be focusing my own personal academic research on that and I could yap for HOURS about it lol).

But when we look at BPD properly, it's evident that the basis of this disorder is that these people didn't have the opportunity to learn and foster proper emotional reactions. Because of the recurring traumatic events, sections of borderline's brains are underdeveloped as a result. They have a smaller amygdala and they have reduced volume in the prefrontal cortex, as well as other differences in brain development. I've heard it described as 'you were forced to learn some behaviors that helped you survive at one point in your life (for example, maybe fervent efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable emotional reactions, self harming tendencies, lying, mirroring, etc.,) but now you need to unlearn them, because they’re no longer helping you.'  They're trauma responses.

Aventurine shows us a perfect example of the kind of shit that would make someone develop BPD: dude grew up in extreme poverty, was constantly told he was special and he was supposed to bring good luck, watched his entire family and race die in front of him when he was literally still just a kid, was kidnapped and sold into slavery, was forced to murder roughly 34 people while everybody watched him like it was a game, probably went through several other fucked up things while he was enslaved, and then killed his slave owner and was promptly sentenced to death for it. That's...a whole lot of ridiculous trauma that would severely impact somebody's ability to mentally grow and develop correctly. The bulk of his childhood/adolescence was spent with no safety, no security, overwhelming guilt, constant fight or flight reactions, learning how to take on other personas to avoid violence or mistreatment – you get the point. He did not have a normal life and it is absolutely probable that he would develop a trauma disorder from the shit he's been through.

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a Borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

As with my last post, I'm going to organize this based on the 5 immediate traits I think Aventurine exhibits most (you only need 5 out of 9 to receive a diagnosis, so let me cut to the chase and stop wasting your time w my yapping).

Fear of Abandonment:

Aventurine has a habit of wanting relationships and then pushing them away once they get too close. He also clearly has trauma associated with losing people prematurely.

First of all, let's look at Aventurine's tendency to view relationships as transactional. With the expectation that a friendship, partnership – whatever –  is mutually beneficial, that generally implies both parties will leave satisfied once the 'transaction' is complete. That’s his parting line in the game, actually! “Satisfied with our transaction, I trust?” 

That being said, he's already prepared for people to leave when they're done getting what they want from him. In one trailer (and the game) he refers to himself as "another cog in the machine known as the strategic investment department" and then says, "Your humble servant aventurine at your disposal [...] I can also play the role of ‘friend’ – if needed; Go ahead, use me as you wish, even stab me in the back if you see fit."

This is a very strange thing to say upon first meeting someone LMAO. He's speaking of himself like he's an object, rather than a person. Before the other party even says anything, he's basically saying 'hey btw if you end up disappointing me in some way, i'm already prepared for it!' Establishing relationships with the assumption that the other person will betray you/abandon you/hurt you in some way? Borderline behavior. God forbid somebody does try to break down one of these walls, we'll see Aventurine's second habit to avoid abandonment: pushing people away.

Something people don't necessarily consider is that ‘efforts to avoid abandonment’ doesn't always mean the person is on their knees begging you to not to leave them. It can manifest as someone being very flighty and purposefully cutting ties randomly/pushing people away from them so that nobody is able to abandon them. If you leave first, they can’t leave you, right? This is a very common behavior for borderlines to avoid the pain that comes with being abandoned.

The most notable moment of this, in my opinion, is when Aventurine tries to gaslight himself into thinking that Ratio really did stab him in the back during their ploy against Sunday. As we know, their fighting, bickering, and Ratio's 'betrayal' were all part of Aventurine's plan. When they leave Sunday's office, Ratio immediately asks if he's okay and if he needs help, and Aventurine is very dismissive/a little rude in his response. Ratio is confused because Aventurine is talking as if he wasn't the one who MADE this plan and TOLD Ratio what to do:

Aventurine is basically saying, "Hey babe this is not in the script we talked about! Let's stay on track, remember? You hate me, you betrayed me, and now you're leaving me!" And Ratio is like "Yeah okay but are you good? Because you don't seem good,” but Aventurine's heels are so far in the dirt at this point that he is NOT budging at all. When he's in the Trauma Maze, Future Aventurine grills him on this moment:

I get why this part confused some people; why would Aventurine think this when the plan was his idea in the first place? Because, he subconsciously doesn't want to get too attached to the idea that Ratio might ACTUALLY care about him or want to help him. He's forcing himself to think "no, that's not what he was doing, he was planning on actually ratting me out all along, he was only asking about my wellbeing to get in my head."

However, I think it's evident that Aventurine wants relationships/attention just as much as everybody else does, he just won't let himself have it. To further this idea, I think the lyrics to White Night (the Penacony trailer theme song) are worth looking at (these specifically):

I don't wanna be alone tonightOh, lead me with your altered signThere's no one else left for me to loseHeadin' to the other side, other side

I don't wanna be alone tonightI'll bring you to my best disguise'Cause you don't need, don't need to know the truthLet me rave forever in your life

The song is obviously about Aventurine when you look at the lyrics, but these lines in particular just further my point that this man does NOT like the fact that he's alone. He wants relationships, he wants closeness, but he rejects it at the same time out of fear that he might lose somebody prematurely again and doesn't want to experience being abandoned or being rejected for his personality (his real one or his fake one), which leads me to...

Unstable Self-Image; Struggles With Identity or Sense of Self:

The shift from Kakavasha to Aventurine screwed this guy up REAL bad. A MASSIVE part of Aventurine's character, in my opinion, is his struggle with his identity/sense of self. I mean, he literally had to kill off who he used to be in order to live how he's living now, and he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Jade sums it up pretty well when Aventurine is sat before her on trial: 

Aventurine joining the IPC comes with the price of...well, becoming 'Aventurine'. Since I'm clocking him with a BPD diagnosis, the identity disturbance would have probably happened before this moment, and I think it did. I'll bet it started festering after that first massive traumatic event where he watched his family die and tried to rationalize how that was possible with his 'good luck' (since that was really the only consistent idea he had about himself), and it probably only got worse when he became fixated on the fact that whoever tf he is, he's only worth 60 copper coins (did the math – that's about $3). That's gotta cause some massive identity issues. He's coined as this ‘good luck charm’, this ‘blessed child’, a ‘beacon of hope for the Avgins’, and somehow, he ended up in the absolute worst situation possible while simultaneously dooming all of the Avgins (obviously not his fault, but he thinks it's his fault).

When Jade tells him to pick a new identity, ironically he picks one that is everything he probably grew to hate after his childhood/adolescence.

Associating with the wealthy? The rich were the people who paid to brand him and enslave him. The IPC? Promised to help the Avgins but disappeared when the Katicans invaded, then came back and kidnapped him to sell him as a slave. Now he's both wealthy and a part of the IPC, and you have to wonder how he truly feels about it. We'll look into that more later. Regardless, he's not really 'free' now, even if he isn't technically owned by a master anymore. He's chained to the IPC because this is life now; this is his identity. Where else would he even go? What else would he do? (Die, perhaps?) It's not like he can go home, or go live a peaceful life out on the countryside somewhere. He made 'Aventurine' his entire life and his entire personality. On that note, I really like this quote from his third character story:

“The aventurine, that symbol of power and of the future, is about to be officially handed to him — Yet it would have no more allure or value in his eyes as soon he obtains it, even though he had sought it by putting his life on the line.

He returns to his office in a daze. The aventurine stone emits a peculiar glow on his desk, seemingly congratulating and mocking him at the same time."Was luck truly on your side when you wrestled with fate?"”

Did he really luck out with this one? Comparatively, of course, this is better than his life as a slave, but he essentially just traded his rusted chains for golden ones. Becoming Aventurine might wind up bringing him a lot more pain than it was worth. 

Also, the outfit he chose? Covered in gold, fur, and jewels, all materials that somebody who knows nothing about being rich would assume rich people wear in excess. It's evident in his tacky taste (sorry honey I love you so much but the hat is just crazy work you look like a pimp) that he doesn't know anything about how to dress himself. And I bully him for being tacky but it makes sense! He dresses exactly how you'd think an out-of-touch billionaire would dress. Back to his sense of identity: it's very important to establish that Aventurine feels guilty about taking on this persona! That's all 'Aventurine' is: a persona. If he were to die tomorrow, the IPC would dust off that stone and give it to another bozo who would end up being the next 'Aventurine'.

While he didn't initially develop this personality subconsciously and it was a 'choice' to start playing this role (not that he had a plethora of alternative options), the perpetuation is damaging him mentally. He does a good job of keeping up the act, obviously. This theme that his entire personality is just one big act is overarching through the entire Penacony quest, but there's one moment in particular I really liked: when Sparkle is being a jerk and he has this offhand comment about how he's so frivolous, vain, and flashy, and how he'd hate to live anywhere where it rained since his outfit is too expensive to get wet.

Then, we have this interaction in the maze: Future Aventurine brings up the memory of him and his big sister playing dead, floating in bloody water to avoid being killed by the Katicans when they attacked. He mentions that it was his father's shirt, the last one his father left behind before dying, and that it was ruined. Aventurine says it wasn't ruined, and he's always kept it. (I wonder if that's the shirt he wore during his time enslaved?) Future Aventurine grills him and asks ‘why keep it? This new person that you are would never wear something so dirty and old. 'Aventurine' wouldn't want that old rag, it's not worth any money. 'Aventurine' would never splash around in murky water like that; he wouldn't need to.’ Nobody is hunting him, now he's the hunter. Future Aventurine makes the snide comment that he bets Aventurine wouldn't even dare to go outside in the rain, let alone do any of the things Kakavasha had to do, since he's so much more elite now. Aventurine, clearly hurt by the implication, says that even after all this time, he's never changed.

Of course, he hasn't. Deep down, no matter how much he tries to trick himself and everybody around him, he's still the same scared, traumatized boy he always has been. His future self chastises him for having an inferiority complex and mentions that with every gamble he makes, he has his left hand shaking in fear behind his back.

But the constant pull to push Kakavasha down and keep up this act that 'Aventurine' is the real him obviously perpetuated the identity disturbance in him and made it a hundred times worse, to the point where (as Future Aventurine points out) the hole he's dug is basically impossible to climb out of.

Because of this, I interpret Aventurine to constantly be struggling with his identity, not knowing who really exists under all the masks he wears, not knowing if he or anybody around him will ever figure it out. I imagine he feels very empty and unfulfilled, since as I mentioned in the abandonment section, he doesn't want to be alone. But the higher he climbs on the social ladder, the further he can separate himself from other people. This is a classic issue borderlines face. We masquerade as something we think the people around us will like, someone WE might like, but it always ends up leaving us feeling more empty than before.

(This is just an added bonus to chew on, but I got stuck on this line when I played through Penacony:)

Do you think once he became Aventurine and got the money and the resources, he researched toys that normal kids play with? Fancy ones like building blocks, stuff that he would have never been exposed to as a kid? Obviously baby Kakavasha would not know wtf building toys looked like, and I'm sure teenage Kakavasha didn't have the opportunity to browse toy catalogs. But, he recognizes the toy even though he says he's never played with them before. Maybe he considered buying it but decided against it, since it doesn't fit his new persona. Kakavasha doesn't exist anymore, so there's no reason to nurture that part of him. Anyways, just wanted to hurt y'all a bit more. Speaking of hurting ourselves:

Impulsive or Self-Damaging Behaviors + Suicidal Behavior or Self Injury:

I'm combining these two because my points kept blending together, so bear with me lol.

Aventurine is known for being incredibly reckless and putting himself in the path of danger over and over again. When discussing how he tricked Sunday with the Cornerstones, Future Aventurine asks:

I want to exaggerate how crazy it is (i can say that i'm also a bpd baddie) that he smashed his Cornerstone. I don't think a Stoneheart has ever done that before. Their stone is what makes them a Stoneheart. Ratio mentions that without it, Aventurine would be back to being nobody. Remember: that's what makes him Aventurine. You know, the persona that required him to kill off his former identity? Their Cornerstones are more important than the Stonehearts’ lives, as stated multiple times. But that's just it: Aventurine doesn't GAF about his life. He doesn't mind putting his life on the line to pull off his plan because he has that deep-rooted desire to punish himself for everything he thinks was his fault. He gets called out for gambling with his life multiple times during Penacony, and while most of the time it's reduced to him just being crazy (cough, bpd) or just having a severe gambling problem. Extremely hot take, but I think he gambles literally as another way to hurt himself. I mean, look at what he says when you ask about his hobbies:

"There's no denying it, my fascination is with the game of chance... be it the exhilarating rush of triumph or the extensive emptiness that follows, both are worth savoring, time and time again."

Being impulsive and risky, betting his life over and over –  it makes him feel alive. He knows the end result will hurt, that he'll have to face that 'extensive emptiness' and the extreme guilt he feels regarding his continued good luck, but he does it anyway.

Speaking of betting, his bets are always 'all or nothing', seemingly every time. Future Aventurine calls him out on always risking everything with every gamble, asking:

"Do you truly believe the greater the risk, the greater the reward?"

Or...do you just not care what happens to you? He doesn't need to risk a lot; he's never lost. He could bet the lowest amount and still win every time, and make a lot of money depending on what everybody else bet. In fact, that would actually be a better strategy in gambling (poker/black jack specifically), because it would insinuate that he's not very confident with his hand and prompt the other players to bet higher, assuming that they'll beat him.

I imagine he gets a shred of dopamine betting everything he has knowing that he'll probably win, but hey, who knows? Then after winning and multiplying everything he has, I imagine that 'extensive emptiness' that he refers to is the feeling of 'oh good, more money. More status. More success. A reminder that no matter what I do, I'm stuck here in this role forever.'

For some reason, he also thinks that taking risks makes him appear more confident and secure. He makes a show of always keeping up the big bets and he boasts about how successful he is, while clutching his hand behind his back thinking 'oh god, is this it? will I finally lose this time?' He brings this up when he's speaking with himself and he says, 'How could a weak person take such daring risks?"

Oh, the delicious irony.

That raises the question, though: if he wants to die so badly, why hasn't he yet? It's not like he had an easy life. He fought very hard to stay alive, so why does he act so recklessly now?

I think at his core, he's scared. Dying is scary. His family is there in the afterlife; would they be disappointed in the person he’s become? At the same time, being alive is exhausting. The constant emotional pain this guy probably deals with every day? It's gotta be heavy.

His behaviors around suicide remind of a classic passively suicidal person with BPD: maybe they don't necessarily want to die, but they're tired. They don't have an active plan, but If something is going to kill them, they're not going to move out of the way.

So, carrying out his Penacony plan makes sense. Of course he’s not completely sure what will happen when Acheron kills him, but because he doesn’t have anything to live for, he’s fine gambling with his life. He makes a show of finally throwing out every last chip, too, no longer clutching them under the table in fear. He was fine with smashing the Aventurine stone because it's not like he was planning on using it after his final show; the little bit of power it had left in it was more than enough.

That being said, we do have to address this little number:

Aventurine attempted several times in Penacony, he admits it flat out. The writers even went sofar as to bold this line specifically! I think this does also go hand-in-hand with him being passively suicidal, since he's pretty sure he'll live when he attempts in the dream, but he's gonna try it SEVERAL times just to be sure. Mentally healthy people wouldn't try it... once, Aventurine!

As if we needed more evidence that Aventurine constantly puts himself in danger, you know I HAVE to mention...the light cone:

n case you haven't read the description for this light cone, let me share it with you:

"You don't believe me?"He (Aventurine) provocatively looks at the man (Ratio) before him, then draws out a revolver, empties its cylinder, and leaves a single shot in the chamber.

"Seems like I'll need to get you up to speed on how I do things if our cooperation were to remain amicable."He pushes the gun into his opponent's hand, spins the cylinder, and points the barrel to his own chest.

He pulls the trigger repeatedly, and the smile on his face remains the same after three empty clicks."Life is a grand gamble, and I'll always be the final victor."

Now what the HELL is this? Mind you, this is the first time Ratio has met this man!!! Imagine you meet your new mission partner for the first time and he puts a revolver in your hand and fires it thrice, then leaves. WHO does that? (...a baddie, perhaps!)

I don't think it's a secret to anybody who has spent a reasonable amount of time around Aventurine that there's something off about him, and that there's a really deep sadness running through him. There's some instances where other characters mention his passive desire to die – A few quick examples I can think of:

The instance in Story IV with Opal:

"Maybe luck won't be on your side this time, and the bill for all your past good fortune will come due [...] But isn't that what you've been longing for?"

Opal implies Aventurine wants to fail on Penacony, which, as we've discussed, is an accurate assumption. Jade says something similar after Aventurine's stunt: when Topaz says the light in his stone went out, Jade replies by saying "he got what he wanted."

Also, I’d like to point out that Ratio must have been anticipating that Aventurine would do something rash, since he wrote that note (doctor's advice) long before he started grilling him after the meeting with Sunday.

It's also worth noting the nod to T.S Eliot's "The Waste Land" (a very long poem about life and death). You get the achievement Sibyl, What Do You Want? after playing through the past of Kakavasha's life, and once you defeat boss Aventurine, you get the achievement She Replied, I Want to Die. I don't think that one needs an explanation, but boy does it hurt! (There's other, smaller nods to him being suicidal, like the Waiting for Godot achievement – Google the story if you're unfamiliar. Not as relevant, but I must mention it bc it makes my english major brain go brrrrr)

Also, overspending/gambling/being loose with money is a very common vice for borderlines to indulge in and harm themselves with. It's also implied that he drinks a decent amount. I counted 6 bottles of SoulGlad in his hotel room just from the angles I could see, and he's shown to be passed out at the bar when Ratio goes to get him before they go on their little date-I mean, mission. Aventurine says 'he must have drank too much', and whether or not that was true is irrelevant since it was a believable enough claim that Ratio bought it.

Borderlines are (usually) self-destructive in some capacity, and while some very annoying people assume it's for attention, it's so much more common for it to be because our inner emotions are just so out of whack. Sometimes, matching the inner pain with outer pain is a way to cope. They might also do it to try and combat-

Constant Feelings of Worthlessness or Sadness:

Probably the most nagging, prevalent feeling Aventurine deals with is the constant feeling of worthlessness. One thing about this man? He hates himself. Like, really hates himself. Take a look at the missions during his maze in Penacony. This one is one of my favorites:

It doesn't get much more on-the-nose than him calling himself a selfish, useless loser. He gets stuck on that word, in particular. Loser.

Aventurine, at his core, views himself as a massive loser. Is that ironic because of how much he wins? Not really. Money and materials are just part of the Aventurine persona. He's 'rich' in stuff, but he's not rich in what he actually wants. I think it's obvious that if he had the option to quadruple his wealth or see his sister again just one more time, we all know what he'd be picking.

The only thing he wants is connection – connection with his mother, his father, his sister, anybody at this point – but he can't have it. His family has been dead for a long while, and as I discussed before, his fear of abandonment and his luck scare him away from forming any other relationships. 

This luck, this destiny to be blessed, leads him to reflect on his life a lot and wonder what the hell the point is. He treats himself like some sort of walking curse, because he's convinced that his luck is bound to hurt other people. Every time he wins, somebody else loses. The luck that keeps him safe destroys everybody else around him. As Future Aventurine puts it:

His luck is "built on the pain of someone" else. This perpetuates the constant feeling of guilt, which in turn, makes him feel worthless. Why is it him that's spared every time?

Then, right before you start his boss fight, Aventurine says,

"The architect's flawed stone, of no value at all."

Some people speculate he's talking to the MC when he says this, but I can't help but assume that he's referring to himself. Even if it was directed at the MC, so much of what Aventurine says in his bluffs and boasts are just digs at himself. He's sort of an expert at hating himself, and what do people who hate themselves do if not project? Especially when you consider the fact that aventurine is actually a really cheap, undesired stone. It's like $3 a caret and mostly only used to rip people off and pose as jade. I really don't think it's a coincidence that his character is based around a stone that is, essentially, worthless.

The way that Aventurine is also prone to giving people ridiculous amounts of money/gifts can be read as a frantic effort to keep relationships going and prevent people from leaving him (relating to my points on both his feelings of worthless and his fear of abandonment). He has a skewed view on relationships, since the only value that's ever been associated with him is monetary value and that of his 'luck', which in every context is spoken of as an asset to benefit people he cares about. His sister told him that his luck was 'the most precious wealth' of the Avgins and Jade sees him as an investment that can bring her more wealth because of his luck, but he views it as a massive burden that ends up wrecking everybody around him. So how does he prove to other people that someone as worthless as him should be allowed a seat at the table? Deep down, he thinks that he's still worth 60 red copper pieces, and he's desperate to show other people that he's worth more than that now – even though he doesn't believe it at his core. With all the money he wins now, he can throw it at people and say 'look, look how much money I'm worth now, you want me around because I can buy you anything you want, that's a useful quality in a friend!'

(I did use the 'seat at the table line' as a nod to what his slave master said to him when they were discussing his worth: "Don't forget your place, slave. You're not qualified to be at the table." Which is, painfully, what Aventurine says when you open up chests! He scoffs and says that "it's hardly enough for a seat at the table." :’) )

There is also, of course, Aventurine's overarching struggle with finding purpose in his life. We see a lot of his existentialism during his trauma maze, but at the end of his trauma maze, Future Aventurine finally stops ripping Aventurine a new one and is vulnerable for a second, saying he doesn't understand what he's ever done wrong to have suffered as much as he has.

Then, when he's in the Nihility and he's speaking to Acheron, making the decision on whether or not he even wants to keep going, he asks her:

As I said, he has this conversation with himself in the maze as well, but here he's actually being vulnerable and speaking to somebody else about it: what's the point in being alive if we're just born to suffer? If nothing else, this solidifies the emotional struggle that Aventurine is constantly having. I also think it furthers the idea that he has this nagging sort of emptiness inside of him which is another BPD trait: the feeling that you're empty at your core, and you're constantly trying to fill it with things (friends, money, substances, whatever) but nothing ever works. You worry if anything will ever make you feel 'whole' again, and pair with the the identity disturbance? You're left with a constant feeling of despair.

Other Points:

These are a few other random thoughts I have, inspired by in-game moments but I'm taking them for my own evil fiendish BPD narrative. Take them with a grain of salt.

I think the stigma he gets around 'being crazy' is really BPD-coded. Separate from the ridiculous discrimination he gets for being an Avgin where people assume he's a liar and wolf in sheep's clothing (which can this man catch a SINGLE break jfc), he also has this reputation of being crazy, insane, manipulative, cunning, and someone you want to avoid, which is more rooted in his reckless gambling habit and status with the IPC. Living with this reputation of being insane and unstable for...lowkey no reason at all? Very BPD coded. I think Aventurine leans into that stigma to keep people a certain distance away, but it also just ends up making him hate himself even more.

Also, his entire mantra is "all or nothing", which always rang my BPD bells as well. There's not a lot of gray area with him, which is a key trait in borderlines as we often display very black-and-white thought patterns.

In Conclusion:

I think Aventurine is a borderline princess <3

No but actually though, Aventurine is extremely smart, witty, funny, generous, and very kind-hearted, and he also happens to have a lot of BPD symptoms :^) I don't think it does any harm to view him as BPD-coded; in fact, I think it's great to associate positive, fan-favorite characters like this with BPD because it helps to humanize us. Borderlines are not violent, crazy maniacs, they're people who have been severely traumatized and developed some unhealthy habits because of it. They deserve love, respect, understanding, and communication, just as everybody else does.

If you actually made it this far, thank you for reading! I hope I was able to shed some light on Aventurine and his Symptoms. And, as I do in all of my BPD posts, here’s your reminder to kiss the borderline baddies in your life and tell them they’re important to you :^) Living with BPD is exhausting and I know I speak for all of us when I say that. We try so hard every day to stay positive and regulated, and though rewarding, it's exhausting and very hard work. Nothing makes us smile more than some recognition that we're trying our best !!

Till next time xoxo (and shout out to @roxirinart for helping me edit this monstrosity mwahhh mwah)

[starbeltconstellation]

Since you are a passionate jedi fan, I would be interested in your opinion on a thing I noticed on AO3. There is a fanon that is inspired by Ancient Greek scholars having had sex with their pupils. In the fics there is a special night in which the masters have to fuck their padawans because it is tradition. Sex and AO3, you ask? What's new, you ask? What is new is that the writers explicitely write in their notes that the institutionalized fucking of the padawans is their way to show how corrupt and morally bad the jedi are. But how is something that fanfic writers completely made up to get more readers (because sex sells) a critique of the jedi in canon? No matter what answer I come up with, it is weird. Are these fanfic writers fetishizing a law allowing teachers to fuck their students, feel bad for their own arousal and try to shrug it off by making themselves believe that they are just writing these sex scenes for a "good cause"? I mean, if they hated the jedi so much, why would they write about them? The MCU or DC would get them more readers, right? I simply can't come up with a satisfying answer to why this mental gymnastics exist. I know this is a very long ask, but please address it if it is of any interest to you as well!

Hi, anon! 👋💕✨

Sooooo deeply sorry for the long wait time. 😭😖💔 Things just got away from me, and I kept putting off my response because I wanted to make sure I had the time to give the nitty gritty of my thoughts on your ask.

And as a pro jedi fan and a SW fan in general… I just have to say… ew. 😭☹️🤢💔

And it’s not necessarily that I’m trying to SHAME people that write darker or more sexual stuff (even though there are some things that just genuinely baffle me why ANYONE would enjoy writing something so horrible, but then again, I’ve never been a fan of horror movies, sooo… 😂🤷‍♀️).

And look, I’m aware that fiction is separate from reality and not necessarily a show of a person’s morals (it’s FAKE, at the end of the day), but at the same TIME, I believe people on this app and just in fandom spaces in general sometimes purposely plug their ears and sing “lalalala” by pretending that how we interact with the world doesn’t shape our perception and psyche to SOME degree.

And this isn’t me saying that if someone writes something like “noncon” or “whump” that they’re going to go out and hurt anybody! That’s the EXTREME reaction that conservative panic tries to drum up by pretending that people have no self control and need to be shielded from “corruption 🙄” or something like that. But what I DO believe is that seeing stories (whether love stories or family stories in general) WILL affect how someone can come to view relationships. This is on a tier scale, obviously. Kids and teenagers will have a harder time grasping why “365 Days” is not a modern Beauty and the Beast movie. 😭🤦‍♀️ BUT… with ADULTS… it’s easier to separate fiction from reality… in a CONSCIOUS way. But for me, from a psychological standpoint, if a person grows up with a specific attraction to certain toxic love stories that are PRESENTED as healthy when they just aren’t—it’s POSSIBLE that they can unconsciously seek out someone who fits that mold. I don’t think this is the NORM—but it IS a possibility, and that’s why I think it’s so important to recognize yourself and your own wants and needs in the real world and ask yourself “Does this make me feel safe and happy? Or just obsessively DESIRED?” and other things such as that.

Anyway, I got a little off topic (which I often do 😭😅), but my POINT is my disgust isn’t necessarily about these writers’s choices on exploring such darker themes in their work if they truly want to—it’s THEIR fic, at the end of the day. But what DOES disgust me is (yes, dear anon, you guessed it! 🙃🙃) that apparently writers are USING this trope to create even MORE anti Jedi rhetoric when there is already SO much of it in the community in general (and that god awful ‘The Acolyte’ show only made the hatred and genocide apologia worse, even though I do acknowledge the show wasn’t given as much of a chance as Ahsoka and The Mandolrian shows were).

Just as The Acolyte had to INVENT an entire scenario where the “EMPATHETIC SPACE MONKS 😭🤦‍♀️” of the galaxy apparently cover up a massacre which DIRECTLY parallels Anakin Skywalker’s descent to the Dark Side—which makes NO goddamn sense that it’s truly LAUGHABLE—you have brought to me a fic trope scenario where the writer has apparently INVENTED something that was NEVER canon to show how “corrupt 🙄” the Jedi Order is—before they stand back and go “haha! 😌 See? SUCHHH horrible people.”, as if they didn’t just invent that scenario in THEIR own head to justify their bias against the Jedi and their way of life.

It’s very similar to the uncharitable views that certain parts of the SW fandom (specifically the Anidala and the radical Anakin fans) have towards the Jedi in regards to NONCANON info that we do NOT truly know (such as why Anakin never visited Shimi all that time), before just CHOOSING the most uncharitable and mean spirited view of the Jedi that they can, which is saying—“Well, the Jedi Order must have a strict policy on NEVER seeing your birth family again, or they’ll be kicked out! 🤪🤪”, when there is NOTHING in canon to ever give any indication of that. It’s literally fanon that has somehow all but become canon in the eyes of the fandom, and I haven’t the foggiest clue how it happened (yes I do. 🙄🫠 It’s because SW fans LIKE Anakin, so of COURSE they don’t want to admit he was in the wrong or that he could’ve taken things too personally or the wrong way—so they settle on, “Those mean Jedi must’ve bullied him and kept him from his mom! 😡🤪”🙄🤦‍♀️).

Fans will make something up out of thin air—literally twisting themselves into KNOTS to try and excuse Anakin’s choices while blaming everyone else to pretend it’s not his fault and he didn’t truly have a choice (COMPLETELY untrue)—while at the very same TIME, giving absolutely NONE of that courtesy to the Jedi Order themselves. The Jedi’s actions are nitpicked to DEATH. Everything they do—choosing to fight in the war to save lives instead of sitting on the sidelines to watch the galaxy burn, not worshiping the ground Anakin walked on to try and teach him humility and grace and respect, literally putting their LIVES on the line RIGHT BESIDE THE CLONES each day on the battlefield, Mace going to arrest Palpatine before realizing the man would never be convicted at a corrupt trial—NONE of it is ever enough.

They are 10,000 strong (NOT taking into consideration how some are younglings or retired Jedi), and yet they are judged with the sharpness of a knife that they cannot solve every damn trillions of problems in the galaxy.

They are a literal DROP in the ocean. It is LAUGHABLE to expect them to somehow be able to end slavery throughout the galaxy in the Outer Rim without the backing of the Republic’s help (which they definitely would NOT choose to help the Jedi, and even if somehow they DID, it would STILL be a long and tedious thing that would take DECADES to fully accomplish), and it is even MORE ludicrous to BLAME the JEDI FUCKING ORDER of all people for the Clones’s situation, like they could just stroll into the Senate building and wave their lightsabers around to suddenly give the clones their (deserved) rights, or to expect them to somehow—what? Kidnap all the clones (because a lot of clones would sadly NOT go willingly because of their brainwashing indoctrination that this is what they were ‘made for’) and run from fighting in the war? Where the hell do people expect them to GO? How do people expect the Jedi to be able to take CARE of all those people (INCLUDING their own) in such a situation without the Republic backing or the Temple walls?—be able to just magically give the clones rights or to just magically be able to say no to fighting in the war as if that would somehow do ANYTHING for the clones instead of just placing them under the rule of men like Tarkin.

The one thing I will concede is that (WHILE being in the war, because YES, despite what some people believe, it was UNAVOIDABLE. Palpatine definitely made sure of that) the Jedi probably needed to learn to get more into politics to control their image in the eyes of the public (ironic, considering how many people blame them for their own genocide by saying they were ‘too involved in politics 🙄’ when the TRUTH is that they did everything to AVOID being in the political sphere because they heavily disliked it). There is a bit of (gentle-hearted) naïveté here, because they all assume that the citizens of the galaxy will just SEE that the Jedi are trying to protect them. But people get selfish and greedy REAL fast when their lives become affected badly by things happening around them. And the more the war dragged on, the more citizens of the galaxy (disgustingly) latched onto Palpatine’s slowly growing propaganda that the Jedi were somehow the big bad villains of the war and not like—oh, I don’t know—the fucking SENATE. 😭🙄🤦‍♀️

My POINT is that—you’re RIGHT, anon. This fic trope you’ve brought up is (while HEAVILY ew in my eyes 😭🤢) just one part of a growing infection of the SW fandom where it’s becoming the “edgy” take to blame the Jedi (the VICTIMS) for their own genocide, instead of placing the blame at the politicians’s feet, where it belongs. Palpatine wasn’t able to gain this power ALONE. The Senate makes it EASY for him. Because they’re all out for themselves at the end of the day (YES, even Padmé, who would’ve taken Anakin’s tusken massacre to the grave if she’d had the chance), and even the ones that DO care about the bills they’re trying to push to help change things STILL are in such a position of privilege (ironic, considering fandom pretends the Jedi Order is ‘privileged’, when they are anything but and are more of a ‘model minority’ group struggling desperately to keep the soft power they have to at the very LEAST have a place at the Senate’s side to TRY and make them see reason sometimes) that they forget about the little people suffering underneath them (Padmé has to be REMINDED of this by one of her handmaidens at one point).

The point is that George Lucas intended the SENATE to be the corruption of the Prequels that brought about their own doom. Not the fucking JEDI. 😭🤦‍♀️ But somehow, SW fandom has rewritten their memories to somehow believe this to be true. But if they’d watch ANY George Lucas interview, they’d see this is not the case. And people are allowed to have different interpretations of stories at the end of the day—but what IS ridiculous is how certain anti Jedi fans SHAMELESSLY try to rewrite history by outright STATING that it WAS GL’s original intent to portray the Jedi as ‘corrupt 🙄’, which is just… SO far from accurate that it’s laughable.

But yeah, at the end of the day, the REAL ‘villain’ (besides the Sith) of the prequels is the SENATE, because THEY are the ones who should be doing their jobs, but who are INSTEAD lining their pockets or kissing up to the clueless citizens of the galaxy come election time, while apathetically expecting the Jedi Order to solve all the problems that the SENATE is too damn lazy and selfish to solve.

The one conclusion I can make is that if the Jedi HAD realized they’d need to play the game of politics to keep in the public’s good graces—then you bet your ASS they would have been on intergalactic interview after intergalactic interview subtly “hinting” at the clones’s lack of rights and plight to try and stir up public outcry—because THAT is how you get true change. By changing things from WITHIN the very public itself. Because THAT is the only thing that will make the Senate LISTEN—is if they’re at risk of losing votes later on down the line.

Anyway, I of course went on the longest of rants once again. Lol. 😂😅 But I hope the long wait time was worth this response! 😊❤️💕

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To any readers that stumble across this and are curious enough to check out my fic:

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Tags:

@ensomnia

@heartfairy

@fangirlteallie

@shoniwake

@lemons-2-limes

@lexskiss

@spidersaye

@selenaftmarvel

@silverwoodj

@ajtaals

[hekateinhell]

get to know your mutuals ✨

Tagged by @wicked-felina, who I have never seen a day in my life. 🥸

What’s the origin of your username?: Idk tbh! It just came to me when I was making my ao3 account before I ever had a Tumblr. And when I did make a Tumblr, it wasn’t under this name lol I think it was bijouxinthesky. I did recently find a list of ‘alternative’ names for baby girls I made years ago that I had completely forgotten about, and Hekate was one of those name 😭 Let us all give thanks baby Faye never became a young mom.

OTP(s) + ship name: Lestat/Armand, Armand/Louis, Armand/Lestat/Louis aka Lesmand, Loumand, Loumandstat from TVC! I can work with any Armand ship and find something to love in a canon context or just a fun, kinky context separate from canon but those are my ride or die ships that I will always fight for! 🥰

Favorite color: Pink and green, all shades! I want to be in a rose garden all the time!

Song stuck in your head: Work Song by Hozier. It’s one of my all-time favorite love songs!!! (and a Loumand/Loumandstat song TO ME)

Weirdest habit/trait: you tell me Becca :catgasp:

Hobbies: Fandom, writing. I used to bake a lot and it was nice bc I’d have leftovers I could give to my friends and neighbors!

If you work, what’s your profession?: I’m not telling the internet lol but you can do a lot of things with my degree!

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?: I wish to not need a job.

Something you’re good at: It sounds funny but I’m weirdly good with babies. I never met a baby, no matter how young, I couldn’t settle. We vibe, babies and me.

Something you hate: There’s so many possible answers to this and most of them are extraordinarily nuanced and complicated so I’ll stick with the simple: roaches and fandom cops—one and the same to me anyway. 

Something you collect: copies of TVC. 😭 If I see a cover or a printing I do not have at the used bookstore or the thrift store, I will buy it immediately. 

Something you forget: too much lol it’s a combination of ADHD and long COVID rest in fucking pieces

What’s your love language?: words of affirmation, I think! I’m very mushy gushy and sentimental with my friends, I don’t ever want you guys to doubt that I love you and I appreciate you. Gift-giving! I love spoiling my friends as much as I can, which isn’t MUCH much, but I try my best and picking out a perfect present that I know will make them smile makes me so happy! Overall, a little bit of everything though! Like I do so much acts of service for my friends in real life like asking them if they need something when I’m going to the store in the area and I know they’re busy, giving them cookies I made because they deserve a treat, taking care of their kids for free, etc. It takes a village, you know? And you build your village by showing up for others. We all take turns.

Favorite movie/show: The Sopranos, Psych, Monk, Goodfellas, To Kill a Mockingbird, Little Women, The Godfather

Favorite food: We would be here all night, but let’s just say a good Lebanese lamb shawarma!

Favorite animal: Cats. Hedgehogs. Birbs.

What were you like as a child?: Anxious. A great reader.

Favorite subject at school: English/Reading

Least favorite subject: Math lmao

What’s your best character trait?: I assume the best in people until proven otherwise, it takes a lot to fuck up with me. And I’m extremely protective of those I love and I’ll always worry about them and do whatever I can for them.

What’s your worst character trait?: Related to the first point above lol I do tend to give people too much leeway to the point that they get comfortable taking advantage. There’s absolutely a middle ground to be had between empathy and understanding and lack of self-respect. Aside from that I’m too self-critical, I feel things too deeply to a point where I don’t think it’s healthy (but on the plus side that means that when I do feel good, I feel REALLY GOOD :D). When I get fed up, I do get Fed Up. Executive dysfunction 💀

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet?: Every answer I can think of seems so trite 😭 I wish I could meet my parents as little kids to understand what made them the way they are. I’ve also been thinking about the ‘I met my younger self for coffee” trend, and I really like it because it’s a good reminder of how far I did come! I would tell that little girl that one day she’s not going to go to bed afraid. She’s going to have her own apartment with two perfect cats. She’s going to make friends that are like family and she’s going to be an auntie. She’s going to meet a community of the funniest, most beautiful and out-of-pocket creative people that love her and accept her for who she is, and guess what? They also love those vampire books where men kiss each other that we hide from mom! That she might be sad sometimes still, really sad. But it’s not so bad. It doesn’t last, one day she’ll realize that. She can go outside now. And the sun is shining.

ASKSJSHD SORRY THAT ENDED HEAVY but I enjoyed writing it so I’ll leave it, it’s positive anyway 🥹

tagging (absolutely no obligation): @monstersinthecosmos @johaerys-writes @rainbowcarousels @madeofklay @uncivilcivilservice @butchybats @hallowedhaunting !!! 💖

[stillpreoccupiedwith1985]

@knickynoo got an ask from @perestroikan about MBTI Personality types, and Knicky doesn't know alot about MBTIs. Welp let's put my psych degree to work (I swear why am I using my degree for fandoms). Also I’m going to say MBTIs aren’t end all be all for personality, looking through the information again to find Marty’s MBTI had a lot of “he falls here for this but then he is this on this point.”

I’m going to talk about the breakdown for MBTIs, it is four letters that tell you your personality type. Each letter spot has two choices, so there are a total of sixteen personality types. I feel it is easier to break down each letter spot then read about each type. Keep in mind most people take quizzes to find their type, most of the time it is where do you answer more in one section than the other.

Now you have Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I), then Sensing (S) or Intuition (N), then Thinking (T) or Feeling (F), and finally Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).

For our boy Marty I believe he is an ISFP. Let me explain.

The first spot is easy, are you an extravert or an introvert. I do mostly agree with Kincky about Marty as an introvert Though honestly I see him as an ambivert, which is someone who is both extrovert and introvert, but he does lean more towards introvert. I will say exemple for me is I am an ambivert, but I lean more towards extrovert.

The second spot is, how do you prefer to take in information, are you more sensing or more intuition. I placed Marty as a sensing, mostly for one part in sensing and then one for intuition, I was like ‘that is NOT Marty at all.’ Which is ‘likes to describe things in a literal way.’ Marty in the movies wants things explained to him literally and broken down. Also in the intuition one is ‘imagine the possibilities of how things could be.’ Yeeeeaaahhh, we all know Marty isn’t good with thinking 4th dimensionally.

The third spot is, how do you prefer to make decisions, are you more thinking or feeling. This was the easiest, I went with feeling. Not because we like to joke that Marty doesn’t think, but Marty does wear his heart on his sleeve. He makes decisions on personal values, he is empathetic, and mostly he thinks with his feelings.

The last spot is, living your outer life, or interaction with others in the world, are you judging or perceiving. I think Marty is perceiving, mostly because of ‘sees rules and deadlines as flexible’. Marty does improvise a lot in the films and is spontaneous. Though I don’t think he fully enjoys surprises and new situations.

ISFP personalities are usually gentle, sensitive, helpful, flexible, and seek to create a personal environment that is both beautiful and practical. It does fit Marty.

I am going to say that this is me rating Marty when he is seventeen, personalities change a little bit as people get older. Like if I was thinking how I was in high school I was an introvert, now as an adult I am more of an extrovert. I could kind of see Marty, when he is an adult, as an ENFP, more extroverted and finally thinking 4th dimensionally.

I’m not going to break down, but as I was focused on Marty, I was also figuring out Doc’s. Doc Brown is an ENTP.

Here is a graphic of all the different types and explanations.

[metamorphosisff]

|Two| It’s Over Now

There are plenty of things I need to be doing, going over the quizzes from one of the three psych classes I taught, following up with three judges about cases I had updates for, and so on and so forth. Yet, here I was rereading the same four words that were sent to my phone earlier this week: Try with somebody else. Jamila Cortez was an enigma that I was drawn to which kind of unnerved me. When was the last time I actively wanted to get to know a new person? For the last few years I had been content within my bubble that consisted of what I thought was a happy relationship, building connections in the educator world, and increasing the distance from my checkered past. Keeping my head down, focusing on my goals served me well until it didn’t, and that bubble popped.

Apparently, the approach I took to reshaping my life caused my ex-girlfriend Mariah, of the last four years, to abandon all of the plans we made for the future. She claimed I wasn’t the same and I hurled the same accusation back. Now I was single for the first time and free from that bubble. I had spent these last few months trying to submerge myself back into the world, catching up with friends that I neglected in favor of hers, and trying experiences that actually interested me. It felt like I was discovering myself again, going through yet another transition, although I had no idea what the end result would be. My previous transitions were brought on by intrinsic motivations, this one? Was extrinsic by all intents and purposes, so I was riding the wave and seeing where it took me. It kept crashing into Jamila.

With me being one of the ten supervisors that worked for the non-profit Helping Hand I met all kinds of people. HH was designed to give people who have had minor brushes with the law a chance to give back to society by cleaning up and volunteering around the community. Along with my job as a professor, it gave me the chance to use the clinical psychology degree I spent four years getting. I loved social work, being on the ground, and getting to know people. My love and genuine care for others was another point of contention between Mariah and I. She didn’t like the way I always had to engage in conversation but it was a quality that served me well in my profession. I was able to see things in people that most would overlook. In Jamila I saw a sadness so profoundly deep I’m sure she didn’t even know how far down it reached and it reminded me of my own cemented over well of sorrows.

It became a goal of mine to strike up conversations with her because something told me her story would be interesting and I could learn from it. That girl was tough as nails though because she had no patience for me. I’ve been trying to think up a response that would adequately do but can’t seem to grasp how. My skills worked better in person I was starting to note. Right as I began to put my phone down, it began to vibrate, and flash with Mariah’s number. Taking a deep breath, I answer.

“Yeah?” I don’t have time or the space to give her pleasantries she does not deserve.

“Hey Xav, I uh, have quite a few of your things here. Are you coming to get them?” she asks in the airy tone I used to adore but now found quite grating.

“What things Mariah? Clothes?” I asked, trying to remember what I’ve left over her new home over the past year.

“Clothes, products, workout stuff,” she lists with a sigh like I was the one inconveniencing her. It seemed that our whole relationship had been one big inconvenience to her in hindsight. “Things like that. So what do you want me to do with them?”

There was no way I was getting on a plane for what was probably less than five hundred dollars worth of belongings. “Donate them or trash them. It’s whatever Mariah.”

“You don’t have to be like this. I was hoping that-

“That what? That we could be friends? After the shit you pulled?” I questioned, mindful not to raise my voice since I was in one of the adjunct offices at the university. There were six in a row in this wing of the floor and the walls weren’t the thickest. I didn’t need to disturb my colleagues with this drama. “What exactly were you hoping for?” 

“I tried to talk to you before any of this happened! You were always too busy helping this convict or that student. You were ignoring me,” she shrieks.

“So it’s my fault you fucked someone else? That’s a new one,” I chuckle dryly though I am not amused. It’s been three months since we last talked, I should have known this call was about to be some bullshit.

“I made my mistakes but so have you. You aren’t perfect either Xavier,” she said.

“And I never painted myself to be Mariah but I was loyal. Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice, and you still can’t stand on the choice you made. That’s unfortunate but that has nothing to do with me,” I said.

“Wow, it’s crazy you can even say that because it has everything to do with you,” Mariah says.

I closed my eyes as I took another breath because I can tell from the wobble in her voice that she is about to cry. If she does, I might actually lose my shit. She always thinks she can cry her way out of a disagreement. It’s as tiring as it is disingenuous.

“We can do this all day Mariah but it won’t bring us back together. Nothing ever will. Please don’t contact me again,” I said, before hanging up the phone. 

It was the only way to end the conversation and for her to understand that I did not want to be bothered. Moving quickly, I blocked her number before yet another essay text hit my phone. I had been stalling on doing so but it was clearly time to let every part of her go once and for all.

“Fix that form nigga.”

Sweat poured down my body as I readjusted the bar on my back that held two hundred pounds of weight on it. There was only one way to clear my mind after a day like I had and hitting the gym was it. Lucky for me, my best friend Aiden was the ideal work out partner as he was a personal trainer at Equinox. 

“Better but not by much,” Aiden said, as I ascended from the squat. “Where is your head at? Cause it ain’t here.”

The thing about being friends with someone since elementary school is that they know you better than you know yourself sometimes. I reach for my bottle of water on the floor before saying, “Mariah called me earlier today and I’ve been in a funk since. Trying to snap out of it though.”

“Why the fuck you answer? That’s the problem right there. You did it to yourself,” Aiden said, switching places with me at the rack.

He wasn’t one to mince words whereas I considered each word before saying it. The difference between us was patience.

“Man, she hasn’t called me in months. I honestly didn’t know what to expect,” I said, closing my water back.

“You should have expected some bullshit because it’s exactly what you got,” Aiden said as he executed the five rep set without missing a beat. It was lighter than what he had been lifting lately.

“Pretty much but I finally blocked her so the problem is solved. Just dug some shit up is all,” I said, as we switched places again.

“That’s to be expected too X. She hurt more than your feelings, she hurt your pride, and that’s a motherfucker to come back from,” Aiden says.

He’s not wrong. The dig at my ego did and was doing a number on me. Even in the lowest of our lows, Mariah and I’s sex life never reached those dips. Not when she moved either or so I thought. It was one of the reasons I had held on so long even though the end was imminent before she cheated. To know that hadn’t been one of her reasons to hold on fucked me up. We were disconnected in every single way possible.

“She did but what’s done is done. It’s time for both of us to move on,” I said, as I glanced at my watch. I meant to check in on my progress during this workout but when I noted the time I cursed. “Aye bruh, I gotta get up out of here. It’s my turn with Granddad tonight.”

Vernon Taylor, my grandfather, was the heart of our family. That’s why when we got the diagnosis of dementia as an explanation for his frequent sudden bouts of forgetfulness, we were crushed. It would eventually progress toward Alzheimer’s but for now we did everything we could for him. Including alternating night shift visits between his children and their children so that my grandmother GiGi could get some help. If I rushed, I could make it to Queens by eight.

“Oh I forgot about that too. Tell GiGi I said I’ll be there soon,” Aiden said, outstretching a fist towards me.

I bumped it with my own as I gathered my belongings. “Will do, I’ll see you.”

With that I was off. My apartment was only a fifteen minute walk from the gym. Once there I showered quickly and threw on some lounge clothes. The overnight bag I used when going over there was already packed, so once I grabbed it and my work bag, I was in the back of an Uber before seven. For the next forty eight minutes, I used the ride to reflect on my day, deciding what would make it into tomorrow, and what wouldn’t go past today. It was a coping method I learned in undergrad that helped me regulate my emotions when I did not know quite what to do with them. By the time I made it to Queens Village to the yellow two-story home I spent almost every weekend in, I felt ready to deal with what awaited inside. Walking up the pathway, I fished my keys out of my pocket so that I could let myself inside.

“GiGi it’s me, Xavier,” I called out, as I locked both the screen door and front door. No one else would be coming today so I also went ahead and put the alarm on.

“We’re in the living room baby. I left your dinner in the oven, should still be warm,” GiGi called back.

“Ahh thank you, I’m starving. I’ll be in there in a minute,” I said, before heading upstairs to my dad’s old room which was the first one you saw once you reached the landing. 

I didn’t bother turning on the lights knowing it would be a minute before I was up here for good. Tossing my bag on the floor, I stepped out of my sneakers and into the slides I wore around the house. I headed to the bathroom to wash my hands and then downstairs to grab the plate stuffed with salmon cakes, sautéed vegetables, and rice, that was indeed still warm. Within ten minutes I had inhaled the plate between checking my email which was unsurprisingly even more full since I last looked. I’d spend a good portion of the night combing through them for real. The next few hours belonged to Grandad who was sitting in his favorite chair. Gigi sat beside him knitting while he looked ahead at a Knicks game. 

I walked over and dropped a kiss on her brown cheek before moving over to Grandad. “Hey old man, how are you doing today?” I asked, holding my hand out towards him.

His hand grasped mine as his eyes roved over my face trying to place me from the rolodex of memories he had left. “Doing good Lex, doing good. You checked in on your sister? You the oldest you need to keep up with her and Keith,” Grandad replied.

GiGi tossed me a small smile as she said lowly, “Today was a little rough. Sorry baby.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” I said, reaching over and squeezing her hand. Out of all of us, I knew this transition was hardest for her the most. She’s known him inside and out for forty nine years. Turning to face Granddad once more, I mustered a smile while saying, “That’s good Pops, I try but you know how your kids are.”

“Don’t I?! Y’all came out working a nerve let me tell you,” Grandad said, wheezing a laugh. 

“All done with love,” I say as I ease down on the floor beside him like I did when I was younger. His hand taps my shoulder a few times as I get comfortable. It is his form of affection because as a veteran it was hard for him to soften enough for constant hugs and kisses. “Who you got on the game?”

“Not these bums in blue and orange, they need Walt. Where his ass at? His team needs him,” Grandad said, shaking his head and causing me to laugh. The essence of his personality is prevalent.

As much as things were changing, I had to hold onto these moments as tight as possible to carry into however many tomorrows I had left on this earth.

Taglist:

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[ganymedian]

If anyone’s (autistic/ADHD/otherwise socially impaired) afraid of sending messages to someone you think is cool just use a format. I know it’s scary to look like a bother and stressful thinking about if you look like a bot, but people are always more receptive than they seem. Here are some things I’ve learned and maybe it will be useful to someone I don’t know

When I’m tense about sending a message to someone who doesn’t know me I say “hey I’m Beau, I love your stuff. (Insert question or other detailed compliment) Have a nice day/Take care/Take it easy. (Introduction) (How you know them)(question/comment) (Exit greeting)

When asking a question, avoid questions that can be easily answered with yes/no. Questions that start with “Have you” “Did you” “Are you” “Can you” usually can be answered with yes/no, and while many people do feel the need to elaborate and will elaborate, it’s not always the case. Quality interactions with other people center the focus on the other person and make the other do some digging within themselves. We love giving our thoughts, it makes us feel valued.

As always, respect people’s privacy and don’t ask for personally identifying information. Likewise, don’t give personal information to people you don’t know well.

An autistic elder of mine with a psych degree said “Memorize 5 key facts about someone and it will help gain their trust” so if they have a backlog of posts, study up.

The “spam liking” topic is hotly debated but I prefer a middle ground: I don’t spam like personal posts that are really old. For my posts it doesn’t bother me but I don’t put out the most intimate workings of my mind for all to see, but I can see where it could bother some. If you want to remember something for later, write it down somewhere.

Search an FAQ on someone’s blog if they have one, and avoid asking those frequently asked questions. If you can game this stupid websites search function, search for a keyword and see if someone has spoken about it already. It goes without saying but it’s a pitfall.

Just as a hard and fast rule, don’t solicit if you don’t want to seem like a bot, and don’t solicit advice unless asked. The latter is considered impolite even if well intentioned. If unclear, ask “Do you want help or may I just lend my ear?” Or something more creative, I’m not sure how to phrase that haha.

Just as well, if someone is expressing something in earnest and you don’t know them well, avoid flippant remarks. Not everyone has to be the internet Funnyman. Have some sincerity and it will take you places

Go forth and put yourself out there!!!!

[jeonstudios]

before i read the rest of the new chapter this particular comment „“You gotta remember that she’s had a hectic few months and maybe wasn’t really able to process everything. You being an ass was probably the least of her worries for a while—until it wasn’t anymore. And healing isn’t always linear. I’m sure she’ll come around one day.”

irked me so bad. who the heck do these people think they are to overlook a person no a humans feelings and say shit like this? who in their right mind would forgive a person for saying i would’ve traded you for sex trafficking n stuff? like excuse me are you mentally stable at this point or why are only inhumane people working for the government who are obligated to protect a humans life? what is wrong with his friends and jk himself for thinking his dry ass apologies would make us want to have sympathy for him? just because she went thorough shit the couple of months doesn’t mean jungkook didn’t abuse her way longer? the fact that he and his friends say that he wouldn’t do that to her when he KNEW when that’s isn’t even relevant. YOU DONT GO AROUND TO BULLY SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW SHIT. YOU ASK THEM FOR THEIR SIDE OF THE STORY AND THEN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION OR YOU STFU BECAUSE ITS NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

no im sorry for being so aggressive but i hate jungkook and his friends with every fiber in my body. they are still not aware of how deep they abused a persons psych and mental health to the point of being scared from the fucking police.

this is a hard ask to answer and make sense but i'll try... i'd say that jimin is trying to be optimistic for his obviously down friend and not necessarily say that reader is going to want to date jk (which jk isn't assuming either), but more so that she'll understand that he's telling the truth now and that she shouldn't feel so bad about herself just because of what he said. jk just doesn't want her to think that his insults are the ground truth, and jimin is saying that she'll come around and one day understand that and hopefully later on she'll be okay with being around him (professionally/platonically/romantically) without hurting so much. you're of course free to feel what you feel, but personally, i wouldn't say that they're dismissing her feelings, no one is saying that she'll have to forgive him, they just want her to heal and realize that the feelings she has because he was mean to her--she's allowed to have them, of course--but they're not "correct" in a way? because yeah, he said incredibly mean things to her but they weren't true and he didn't realize she was affected by them (because she did her best not to seem affected, after all). and for her, she has forgiven him in a way, because i think it makes sense to her that he wholeheartedly believed she had shot his best friend, like almost attempted murder shot him, and he only ever retaliated with words. i'd say she's hurting more because she thinks he sees her according to what he said more than she's hurting because he actually said the things he did. and she's scared he'll want to hurt her in the future if they disagree on things.

again, it's not only that he didn't know what had happened to her; he had no idea that she was scared of the police, or him, or men in general to that degree. he just "knew" she was an entitled, even dangerous person, who got away with shooting someone because she threatened with screaming sexism and they'd rather just let it slip. she never even hinted at the fact that he had the wrong idea about her, she never said anything that made her doubt his beliefs regarding her. she argued back, called him stuff almost as much as he called her stuff. so to him it only ever seemed like there was one agreed upon "side," she never said or did anything that clued him in on there being another.

again, you can feel and think whatever you want about them and the story, and if you feel like it's not your cup of tea, you don't have to finish it if you don't want to and if it's too frustrating. i don't mind ❤️

[novafire-is-thinking]

Thanks for the tag, @figgiforever!

1. Are you named after someone?

Nope.

2. When was the last time you cried?

…I don’t remember.

3. Do you have kids?

^ I don’t plan on ever having kids, so this is my favorite gif to use when I’m asked questions like this. xD

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not really. Not out loud, anyway. >:) I do have a dry sense of humor (think Cyclonus), but it’s not always sarcastic.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Physical: I’m not 100% sure what I notice first. Maybe hair? Ah, but I do know that high-contrast features and angular facial structure catch my attention right away. (My blorbo of blorbos is literally made of sharp angles, what else could one expect? lol)

Non-physical: Vibes. Depth. Intrigue. If they seem too easy for me to read, I tend to dismiss them internally unless they pique my interest later.

6. What's your eye colour?

Dark brown/black.

I like to think that Cybertronians would find this mildly disturbing at first. :P

7. Scary movies or good endings?

Depends on how scary. Pure horror is a no.

I like to have a balance. Scare me half to death during the story, but let the ending mean something.

8. Any special talents?

Does exceptional self-awareness count? xD

I have very few practical, concrete skills, but I like to think I have other things I bring to the table of life that make me stand out a bit.

9. Where were you born?

One of the southern provinces of China

10. What are your hobbies?

Studying people, creative problem-solving, introspecting (I do it enough that it counts 😂), contemplating life and all it’s mysteries and weirdness.

(Yes, this is really the sort of stuff I love doing all day, every day—to the exclusion of actually living life. 🫠)

11. Do you have any pets?

No. I’m just not a huge pet person. Most are too demanding for my liking, and the ones that are low-maintenance are…boring. An exotic pet might be worth the effort though. 🤔

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

How fast can I get in and out of this store without ramming anyone with my cart. 😆

Besides that, I used to ride horses, but I haven’t been able to since I moved a couple of years ago.

13. How tall are you?

5 ft. 3 in. (1,60m)

14. Favourite subject in school?

Anything not required. /hj

(Psych, Sociology, and Astronomy were my favorites. And they’re all electives. lol)

15. Dream job?

I wouldn’t say I have a dream job. It’s more like a “dream state of career existence.”

It involves acquiring a PhD, a medical degree, and a bunch of other degrees with the ultimate goal of bringing my interests together. (Psychology, neuroscience, acoustics, etc.)

I would happily spend the rest of my life learning and doing research, and it would be great to be able to offer something unique to both the scientific world and the medical community. (If I don’t get shunned for coming up with too many far-fetched theories, that is. 🫠)

Tagging: @onewingedsparrow @aecholapis @decepticon-nerd @starscreamboyfriend @benadrylcandlewhack and anyone else who wants to answer!

(Correctly-formatted question form is in the replies to make your lives easier)

[sushijimaaa]

My thoughts on The invisible life of addie larue

Initially, when I first heard about this book, I did not read it. I did not buy it. And I had no intention of reading it. But, I fell into a reading rut where I wanted to feel all the emotions found on the pages of a book. And I did. I found it. In The Invisible Life of Addie Larue.

The story is about a young girl in France 1600s, where her whole life is turned upside down and she prays to the gods who speak after dark. Addie strikes a deal with the god we later name Luc, and she is gifted a life of immortality until she wishes to surrender her soul. However, there is always a catch. Adeline LaRue will not be remembered. Adeline LaRue will have no name, no mark, no evidence of the life she has lived. And any man or woman she meets will never know her but a simple whisper in the wind. Until three hundred years later, where she meets a boy who remembers. Who sees Adeline LaRue.

I absolutely loved the idea of the story and when I began reading, the first page I knew, this was going to be my favourite book of the year.

“The old gods may be great, but they are neither kind nor merciful. They are fixkle, unsteady as moonlight on water, or shadows in a storm. If you insist on calling them, take heed: be careful what you ask for, be willing to pay the price. And no matter how desperate or dire, never pray to the gods that answer after dark.”

This quote, the first page in the book has a different kind of chokehold on me. The writing of Schwab was so poetic, so beautiful that every time I sat down to read the book I felt my heart stop and start and leap at every word on the pages. I truly have never felt this way about any book. Drawn and excited and hurt by all the emotions.

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue speaks volumes to the human psyche. This need that we (especially me) as humans have to be remembered, to leave a mark, a memory on this earth is a carnal desire. Watching Addie go through lifetime, after lifetime, trying figure the bounds of her curse it made your heart wrench in a way I didn’t think was possible. But seeing her slowly leave her mark in the forms of ideas, that artists used to live forever. I loved how we saw how each mark was left and as gut wrenching as it was, it made for a beautiful story.

The introduction of Henry Strauss was a whirlwind of excitement. My heart literally jumped out my chest when he said those three little words:

“I remember you.”

I felt like I was right there with Addie when he said that. Those three words meant nothing to Henry at the time, but the weight of it for someone like Addie, cursed to never be something or remembered, that made something in me spark. Henry’s overall character was something that I adored, the fact he feels all too much and wants to be seen is again something so human. And when Addie says that all she saw was him that made Henry sparkle with life. I loved seeing him grow as a character and develop this love for Addie. While it saddened me the ending they got, I realised their love in the end would be toxic. It would be built on this belief that they needed each other and no one else. So I’m glad they went their separate ways knowing that for a moment they were exactly what each other needed.

I enjoyed reading the dynamic between Luc and Addie, and as much as I hated Luc my god it was hard not to like him to some degree. He was thrilling and at some point in the book I actually looked forward to the moment he’d appear and say:

“Hello my Adeline.”

I think it was great to learn that Luc was more complex than we initially thought. Which was he was the devil and only had a hunger for “ruining peoples lives”. Although in his eyes he saw it more as a sadistic favour, like how we are reminded of what he had done to Addie, every time he’d appear before her. I also found it interesting that Addie delved into the concept of Luc being just as lonely as she was. That even if you have these incredible powers and immortality, that sometimes you still get lonely in that kind of world. To me, it spoke to the human side of Luc. And overall, the human side of gods. I also found it interesting the Luc was convinced what he had with Adeline was love, but Addie said it wasn’t love unless it was unconditional and selfless. Things that gods, especially Luc, was not capable of.

What then broke my heart was to see Addies sacrifice for love. When she found out Henry Strauss was running out of time, Addie exchanged her soul, the very thing she tried to keep for three hundred years from Luc, she was willing to give it up. And that was what made her human, she gave unconditional love back to Henry by giving her soul up for his life instead.

Overall I feel like Schwab captured the human psyche in a poetic way that was unique, beautiful and tragic. I loved her writing style, which I can’t describe. But it’s probably like this beautiful story telling way. I am planning on reading more of her works and to be honest The Invisible Life of Adeline will probably be my favourite book of 2024.

- every.thing with.in rea.son

[hphlseungyeonlee]

I made a thing. feel free to use it. personality character sheet. this is how I’m using my degree…

blank template for download (google drive)

see page 1 of the character profile

REFERENCES / RESOURCES under the cut

google drive folder so you can edit pieces together in your way

background: “white wall paint with black line” shot by kiwihug on unsplash 

font: Courier Polski 1941, Victoria Typewriter (regular & bold), Inconsolata Bold

personality inventories: HEXACO model, OCEAN/Big Five model, general trait theory

[mariisntreal]

I can’t escape the feeling that I’m not smart enough. There’s more to learn, more to know, and I know nothing. I’m not a philosophy student who spends her birthday writing. I’m not an English lit student who reads every minute of the day. I barely know how to pronounce municipality (apparently, I can barely spell it either). I am a poser at heart. I listen to jazz and pretend I know everything. I answer questions with false confidence and accept the undeserved praise with open arms. But I know nothing, and I am nothing. I add documentaries and courses to my to do list, but they sit there collecting dust. If I really craved knowledge, I’d have it. But I am a poser at heart. Do I want to seem smart but not actually be smart? Is that what it is? At night I lay down and obsess over my behaviour during the day

Did I say the right things? The smart things? I dissect everything I did and said until there’s nothing left and I go to bed feeling dumber than I did when I woke up.

I read books with a dictionary by my side because of the number of words I don’t understand and have to look up. I use a dictionary instead of just googling the words on my phone because I’m a snobby, pretentious dick who wants to appear smarter. 

I have no socials, and while it’s better for my mental health, I secretly crave the surprise on peoples face when I tell them that.

“Wow, I could never! I love posting on Instagram” 

I know, that’s what makes me so much better than you. I don’t waste my time on rubbish like that. I spend my time writing and reading because I’m sooooo much smarter. Except I’m not better nor smarter. I don’t even know if my use of nor in the previous sentence was correct.

But I speak two languages! Surely that makes me a bit smarter than the average person? 

No, that’s not impressive, it would be slightly impressive if I spoke 3 or more, but who am I impressing exactly with two languages? My mother who laughs at my occasional pronunciation and spelling mistakes? Or my friends with the thick British and American accents who giggle when I let my Arab tongue slip. 

I know I’m a snob, I know I can be an asshole, but I need to fill this desire to be the smartest person in the room, the most impressive, the most interesting. I know nothing, I know nothing, I know nothing. 

It will drive me insane. 

Why can’t I know things? Like who painted that crappy old painting that’s hung in that crappy old museum. What was the technique used and what the artist wanted us to know. I don’t even have a favourite painting; my favourite movie is toy story and I have a regular degree in psych (a real smart person would have an honours degree). I’m 22 with no job and no great accomplishments. What gives me the right to demand knowledge when I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. 

I study the flags and states in hopes that somebody will ask me to name them, and I’ll have my moment to shine. I read the news and look up interesting articles in hopes that I’ll get to tell someone about it and impress them. 

“Oh no I actually read an article; I don’t get my news from social media like other people”

What a piece of shit.

It kills me, it hurts me that I don’t know. What am I then? What am I if not an intelligent, charming, and interesting woman? I’m nothing but a fraud, nothing but a poser. There’s nothing inside me but a tangled-up mess of different desires I’ve had in my life that have never been satisfied.

I feel so small. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t think I’ll change. My worth is defined by my knowledge and smarts. By grades and praise. But maybe I’m not cut out to be a smart person. Maybe smart people don’t behave this way, smart people are just smart. They don’t act, they just are. Me on the other hand, I’ve been acting since I was young. 

But I do really want to know everything. I want to see and experience everything. I want to be wise for my sake as well! Not just for others. I realize there’s a problem in me, I know something is wrong with me. I need so much approval and validation. Boo hoo. Everyone does. 

I need to become everything. 

I want to swallow the entire world. I want to become the universe. I want to be God.

Even as I write this (supposedly for myself) I imagine you, the reader, and how you’d react to it. Would you maybe highlight something and always remember it? Or would you look away unimpressed and call my work rubbish. How lame…

But I’ll try to not care, I promise I’ll try. I’ll try (and fail) to ignore the voice inside me that craves your admiration. You. Person I’ve never met. Do you think I’m smart?

[voxasks]

🫐 -Hey there, why not get in on this, haha. Let's go, show me what ya got TV man- Jokes aside, I am a young woman in her 20s going to university for a psychology degree. I am very ambitous & goal oriented, even if it is sometimes very intense. To the point of hyperfixation bordering on obsession. I was going for journalism originally, but I changed majors because I didn't like how much I would have to lick the butts & shoes of yellow journalists who aren't worth my respect or time. I wanted to be part of the information side of things & keep people informed on the happenings around them. But all they do from my perspective is waste hours churning out fiction for views. If I wanted to do that, I would have pursued acting as a career, which is a hobby of mine. I like community theater a lot. It is a fun escape from everything. Something just so satisfying about putting on a show, where the moment I step out on that stage & feel those lights & eyes on me, I am no longer concerned with my problems. The mask is on & won't be off until later~! Music is my other passion. I love writing my own music and lyrics. I play the violin, piano, & guitar. I am taking singing lessons for fun too. My few friends describe me as the one they look to for honest opinions, even if it might not be something they want to hear. I am also weirdly regarded as a ball of energy. I am not a recluse, I just have intense trust issues. It is probably due to the pathetic jokes of relationships I have had, among other potential trauma inducing experiences. I love going out, just only with people I would trust my life with or myself. I am still quite introverted, but I do like the atmosphere of people having a great time & me having a good time, even if it is dancing on my own. If I feel like it, I will just make the decision to disappear for a weekend & hop back around come Monday like I didn't just drop off the planet to who knows where & do who knows what. I am used to the not so great side of life. Walking to school, seeing a dead body on the side of the road, later on seeing those infamous white lines, hahaha. What a day that was, or the time I had to hit the deck from a drive-by. You get used to that rough life than wham in a place that is weirdly sanitized and "safe." It feels like whiplash. I cope with my experiences with humor. Rather laugh than cry, you know. Psych became my interest after taking a random elective in it, & I was hooked on being able to make connections about the world & people around me. Giving me a sense of understanding some of the why's I have asked for years. I'm still learning more, too. I have some ideas that are not exactly conventional & push a few boundaries with other fields of science & ethics. Regardless, I hope to use the knowledge I am gaining to help others help themselves. I think that is a key component in life, to be able to help yourself, even if it means getting/seeking help in order to get to a place where you can do that for yourself. If that makes any sense. With all this said, enjoy your hellish morning, abysmal afternoon, explicit evening, or sinful night. Whichever it may be for you, I like to cover the bases~!

“it  feels  like  you  took  psychology  to  make  sense  of  the  things  that  has  happened  in  your  life  subconsciously.  at  least,  that’s  what  people  do  from  experience  anyway.  it  sort  of  feels  like  you  have  adhd  as  well  due  to  your  spontaneity,  being  described  as  a  ‘ball  of  energy’  and  having  many  interests,  but  hey,  i’m  far  from  being  some  lab  coat  shrink  who’s  qualified  enough  to  sit  behind  a  desk  to  rot  with  everyone  else’s  trauma.  you  want  to  stay  true  to  yourself  no  matter  what,  thus  opting  out  of  journalism  to  avoid  kissing  other  people’s  asses,  i  can  respect  that.  you  sound  ambiverted,  someone  who  struggles  to  find  the  comfortable  balance  sometimes  but  everyone  does  too.  and  hey,  a  dead  body.  must  be  a  big  deal  back  in  the  living  world,  huh?  how’ve  you  been?”

based off of the 200 follower event.

[rin-and-jade]

Hi hi,

I’m curious if you have any information about how weed or THC interact with DID? Also how antipsychotics (specifically abilify) interact with DID?

Context: I had edibles for the first time w friends the other night and they warned me that thc could make me unmask my autistic traits (it did) and that eventually caused a huge panic attack. After a while though I started age regressing, rapid switching, and arguing with myself. My friends are convinced it was real, that I was talking to alters and that I have DID. Theyre so sure too because I was using those words (I have a special interest in abnormal psych so I’m familiar with DID and OSDD). But I don’t know what to do next. Would it even be safe to try another edible and hope I can confirm or deny that this was all real? I also started an antipsychotic on the same day, so could it be that? Would antipsychotics make alters come out if they hadn’t been out before? I’m pretty sure it’s always just been me, but is that even possible? /genq

Im just very confused and scared and I don’t know what to do next. Any advice or information would be oh so greatly appreciated. I’m trying to stay logical and educated before I jump into anything. /gen

Thankyou for asking this genuine question because this seems like a serious issue for you, and for the opening of my explanation,, you should NEVER take another edible, you did the right thing waiting for me to answer it since i have some info of how certain drugs affect people neurologically. And yes, it can cause things like switching and age regression because the chemicals are out of balance, the chances of an alter coming out due to antispychotics is depending on dosage, and how effective the meds are so i can't answer this.

Moving on to main point.

So, the fact that you're taking antipsychotics, and then you take some THC, these two are enemies, the effects are 180 degrees the opposite, and unlike how acid and alkaline can neutralize itself (well this is for context, because these two are also enemies) medications do not most of the time, and not only that, it will make a jumble of mess. because weed is what "accelerates" your brain while antispychotics acts as a "sedative", and there's no other sure answer other than these two combination, will causes adverse effects depending on which alter (yeah they all have different resistance and severity in terms of taking in medications) takes it, but in general, it's still not a beautiful sight and it'll have similar outcomes.

In conclusion, when i said never, that means never ever, because the chances of you taking antipsychotics means you experience some psychotic symptoms and it needs to be treated, and if you have psychotic symptoms, psychoactive drugs (like THC before) should be banned from your life since it adds fire to the fuel.

My advice on what you can do next is educate yourself, and you should consult healthcare providers before doing something or atleast learn from goverment/lab papers to make sure whatever you're going to do won't end up horribly. I hope this answer satisfies you.

- j

[nattyontherun]

I just read all ur naruto fics and I feel insane.

Me about fictional characters: they get me.

I absolutely refuse to be emo in someone ask box but screams at you so much.

“How much do you lose to mourning, when what you lose is everything you’ve ever had? How can you acknowledge yourself, when all you have left to acknowledge is the you who never grew past your hurt? // Existence was ruination, to Sasuke. Existence was the slow descent into insanity.” I’m literally rolling around on the floor thrashing around. Hearth fire (and the rest of the series) WRECKED ME by the way if you even CARE. Me when the parallels in a fic to my life literally grab my by the throat and stab me but also wrap me in a warm fuzzy blanket and pat my head. Literally sent me deep into a very contemplative mood after reading it.

“… would have to live on because if not him, who?” “…because mourning, in its own way, is a form of safekeeping.” Hello I have died.

Also I don’t mean this in a derogatory sense but when I went to ur ao3 profile and read u have a psych degree I was like. That makes so much sense lmFAO.

Also also on a slightly more serious note, well it’s not that serious tbh, but I also do be dissociating and the way you described it was idk it felt weirdly good to read. I used to lose days at a time. I’m not as bad now but I’ll still lose hours here and there. I am not one to externalise things so I don’t have the capacity to describe things to people when asked but we’re I to try very hard it would probably be similar to how you wrote sasukes experience.

Oh my god tho. Oblivion. YOUR MIND IS SO POWERFUL. Your mind is literally so so so powerful. I’m shaking.

Anyway maligayang pasko at mag ingat ka 🫶🏻

This just made my holidays! First of all thanks??? I'm as surprised as you are that HF has been so monumental for me????

I've been told on a multitude of occasions that I have the unfortunate(?) habit of putting a lot of myself in fics. What I explore--thematically at the very least--is often just me chasing after the worms that haunt me in my dreams, yk? It's not like I'm a perpetually sad or moody person--quite the opposite really--but if I don't contemplate stuff I go through at least a little bit, where would that leave me? As uncomfy as it is, it's better to know yourself too much than not at all.

But YEAH! HF! Mindboggly amounts of woah topped by a surprising amount of hope? Sometimes I think I made it too melodramatic and "floaty" for lack of a better word and then I get comments like yours and I start rethinking my spirally thoughts. I just have so many OPINIONS about how canon treated everyone, but mainly Sasuke. If they weren't gonna let him die, by god give him the justice he so deserves?? He has like zero closure and an overwhelming brother complex and all canon does to fix that is say "revenge bad, here walk around some" FAWK no????

Anyways I have a psych degree! I don't use it for much rn but it's glossy and makes me feel good about myself sometimes! I like to think I'm not so obvious about it but I also feel like I always talk about it to anyone everytime so bvcedjsnj where was I going with my reply?

Right. Right! I meant to say that, as per the dissociation thing--far be it for me to claim I know anything about it beyond what I've read in a couple journals but I do tend to 'lose time" so to speak, myself? When I'm stressed or depressed or anxious or some horrid conglomeration of those three horrid things lmao. It's NOT fun, and I don't wish it on anyone, and I hope, if you can, you can speak to someone about it because suffering, in whatever way, however much, doesn't have to be a thing we just settle with yk? Idk. I wrote HF with this thought in mind that just because things can seem absolutely ass over tits at any moment doesn't mean it's always gonna be like that. I love the struggle story, I love ANGST--writing it, reading it--but there's something so devastating and inspirational about wanting to stand back up after stumbling. Human tenacity and resilience will always be infinitely more heartrending than sorrow itself or whatever philosophical way you can spin it...

I feel like I just lost the thread of my response all over again. I'm sorry! It's nearing 3am, I just got off shift, and I'm in one of those moods again... just... I care very deeply about people as a concept, and the way we mold ourselves around each other's lives until every one of our struggles is an extension of our community, which is an extension of our history and so on. I'm not super good about being in the /now/, the details of general existence aren't my best friends. But if characters get to act however the fuck they want to act, if they can build themselves back up from nothing, explore themselves in ways you or I never could, maybe never is just a qualifier we give ourselves to excuse our inflexibility and stagnation?

Something, something, the ultimate goal of the human experience will always be Self Actualization.

Anyways Anon, sorry about all the rambly philosophizing, I've probably scared you off now fbvehcskffbcrehd but you made my whole month!! Maligayang Pasko sa inyo po!!! Ingat ka lagi!!!!!!! And to whoever even bothers to read all this rambling,,,, in English: Merry Christmas and take care always, Mabuhay!

[daisychainsandbowties]

weirder asks if you please: 1, 23, 29, 42, 44

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

i have Many, unfortunately, but the main ones are 

lilith, because she’s incredible and poetic and tall and she scares me. i’m comforted by her as a character with an aborted destiny, who is not what she was meant to be, but still alive, & dealing with the cost of (still) being alive. 

beatrice. i mean… damn she’s just everything to me. her gentleness and her harshness and the way it feels to write her. i think she’s one of my favourite narrative voices to work with - not even her POV but just what she does to any scene. she’s such a beautiful person & it changes everything, changes the structure of language in some indefinable way. mwah love her. 

obi wan kenobi. HE’S BABY. i just love him & there are too many reasons why but phantom menace obi and his little braid were Gender to me as a kid. profoundly gender. hoping to grow into mullet obi some day, if i am fortunate. 

obvioulsy Mo from wot. like she makes me want to rip up the trees by their roots like i’m an orc doing landscaping for Saruman but she’s!!! talk about a tectonic shift in my psyche at age single-digits when i first read EoTW. i was there with Rand & Mat in the Bad Bird scene going ‘if she asked me to do anything, then that is what i would do.’ but oh i never get tired of reading about her i just love her & she’s kind of a fixture of multiple points in my life bc i kept going back to her (& wot) like a boat into harbour. moiraine is possibly THE comfort character (tragic for me that she’s Like That. so not relaxing to be around) 

Nona from the Book of the Ancestor series. she’s autistic, she’s covered in (her own) blood half the time. she would die for her friends. she’s got a devil in her. she’s just!!!! very soft but also so dangerous & she has something gay going on with at least four of her friends and i think that’s heroic of her. 

Captain Laurence from the His Majesty’s Dragon series. he’s just the softest boi. he has a dragon the size of a small manor house & he calls said dragon ‘my dear’. what else is there to say? 

& this one is obscure but Celestia Stardust from the dnd podcast Flintlocks and Fireballs. i also love Scamp from that because they were the character who helped me figure out my favourite pronouns & also they’re a pink demon-child who once turned into a potted plant and accidentally started the French Revolution. but Celestia is the gay disaster bard, and you know i love a disaster. she’s ridiculously tall, she once rolled a nat 20 to walk through a door. her family are the worst people in the world but her sister is (tragically) kind of sexy. she nearly dies like every episode because she started the campaign with a negative con modifier (like, darling). she also says darling a lot which…. i’m fine. 

ok there are Loads truly but i’ll stop. basically the more autistic and soft and disastrous they are the more i love them. 

23. how do you feel about chilly weather?

ah see it’s a conundrum bc i am smol and therefore have no natural defence from the cold. it will be 12 degrees celsius and i will be featured in the google image results of the word ‘icicle’

BUT i also enjoy being wrapped in blankies and wearing multiple hoodies and fluffy socks (but, to be clear, i am a tough guy) so the cold is generally a good time for me. also i hate fruit flies. cannot even explain my loathing. this is why me & spiders are in alliance, why if no one got me, spiders got me. so cold = no fruit flies. ghdkslkd honestly i’d like hot weather a lot more if i had top surgery because i would be like ‘shirt WHO??’ but alas… 

29. how do you like your shower water?

shower water must be scalding. some of us have Raynaud’s Syndrome. (also yea the urge to respond with 'wet')

42: an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

oh definitely google docs. me and my 10,000 iterations of ‘untitled document’ have to spend quality time together at least once every five minutes

44: you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

hmm there are a couple of people i WOULD kill but in most of those cases they’re surrounded by other cunts people who would step up and assume almost exactly the same role, so it’d really have to be someone i felt was uniquely harmful, in a way that’s individual to them in some way. probably i would think maybe some billionaire (and yeah, i am thinking of one in particular but it feels a bit too personal maybe. but def Looking just over the sea) or anyone responsible for an inordinate amount of environmental harm. it’s probably slightly boring, but i think in general not much can be prevented by killing one person (no actual real-world ta’veren & all that)