#people and their unhelpful advice

[flannelepicurean]

Mmmmrrrrgggghhhh okay. So. I generally don't like talking about weight, when tied to health things, in general, but I feel like it's important to boost stuff like this. Because the way people talk about bodies, and weight, and fat, is absolute bullshit in general, and it reminds me a whole, whole bunch about the ways in which I've struggled with mental health issues, and the ways in which that has gone hand in hand with stuff that's affected my body, and I just....turn into a 3-D Celtic knotwork when this shit comes up.

I spent a bunch of my life being really underweight, because I was either so goddamn depressed I couldn't do more than force myself to drink three glasses of milk a day to keep my body functional on a basic level, or so buzzing with manic energy I couldn't sit still long enough to eat. I've legit collapsed and gone to the ER because of this. But people around me still made really unhelpful comments about my body, and ignored the shit I said about my mind and my emotions, and the old, "You need to JUST [insert dismissive advice here]," rolled in over and over and over.

After I had a baby, and went into severe postpartum depression and anxiety, and my OCD went into the goddamn stratosphere, and the pandemic hit and isolated us all in the house together for two fucking years, I was the heaviest I'd ever been. The BMI scale (unreliable, I knew) told me I'd tipped over the line into Obese, and I got even more depressed, but I was determined to do something about it.

And I tried. And I tried. And I tried. And it took forever. And it was extremely non-linear. And it was never enough. And I was never happy. And I just kept being super depressed.

And then I got sick.

My meds got fucked up, and I went into a bipolar episode bad enough that I had to take two fucking months off work, after trying to keep it together for six goddamn weeks while things spiraled worse and worse real fucking fast. I couldn't tolerate ANYTHING. Light. Sound. Textures...And tastes. Sugar, salt, acid, spices...all of it hit my senses like a blast of rock salt from a shotgun. Like a medieval peasant being killed by a Sour Skittle, if I tried even the blandest tomato sauce. And it made me want to throw fists. And I couldn't sit still.

More than a year ago, and I still can't deal with a lot of flavors, and I still can't eat more than two fists' worth of food at a go, so I gotta just eat like seven small meals a day and a few snacks here and there. I eat on a hobbit schedule.

I lost weight. Got back down to numbers on the scale I hadn't seen in decades, that had been "target" and "goal" and a fucking dream of the future, when I was actually trying. And I felt like shit. People in my life tell me things like, "Well, eating that way is actually healthier! Spacing it out is better for you! Oh, it's great that you don't really eat sugar anymore!" And it makes me want to scream, because it feels like that, "Well, that trauma made you stronger!" bullshit.

And you know what? I'm still sick. There are a bunch of mystery fucking problems going on with my body and my mind. And I've been eating "right," more than ever before. I've been taking in way more fruits and vegetables and whole grains and complex carbs. I drink a cup of coffee and half a glass of unsweet iced tea a day, and the rest is water. I've been exercising more than ever before. I'm steady maintaining a weight that's probably pretty "healthy" for my age and size and all that. AND I FEEL LIKE TRASH.

So like...yeah. It pisses me off when people moralize weight and fatness and food and dieting and shit, and dismiss and discount and demonize all the complex realities that actually go into what human bodies look like and how they work. And it may be a privileged thing to say, and I will fully acknowledge that, but having anyone applaud a weight loss that came out of this much suffering, even after I fucking explain that shit to them, burns me up. Not just because of what it means to me and reflects about my experience, but because of the attitude it reflects for the whole subject in general. That something that painful, that traumatic, is an acceptable price to pay, an acceptable way to get to a new baseline.

Fucking awful.

Just found out that the dietary calorie is still measured by burning food in a "bomb calorimeter" and then measuring the heat produced. There's no solid evidence that this method is at all equivalent to how our bodies process food (an entirely different chemical process from combustion), the accuracy of this system has been disputed for as long as it's existed, and there are no available alternatives

There are 4800 calories in a kilogram of dry sawdust even though wood is completely indigestible to humans, because calories don't measure nutritional value, just how well something burns

Nutritional "science" is pure bullshit

[redysetdare]

I don't think a lot of people realize that lot of their advice to disabled people often boils down to "Get over it." they are trying to be helpful but their idea of helpful is "Just do the thing" because that's what they do. for them they just do things. It comes naturally to just do it.

They don't know how to bridge the gap between you and the task. For them the bridge is already pre-built and stable. For disabled people the bridge is run down, not well kept, it feels unsteady and is hard to get across without being slow and cautious - hell for some people there is no bridge and we need to build it ourselves but we don't have the bridge building tools and no one gives them to us.

"Just cross the bridge." They say before walking over their pre-built bridge. They never gave you the tools to build a bridge to cross.

[desultory-suggestions]

Sometimes you have to commit to being wildly happy against all odds. Even in the face of terrible adversity we can find joy, beauty, and hope that will carry us forward.

[livums]

there's no way to say this without sounding like i can't take criticism (i can, it's something i had to work on like everybody else), but some people are like. really bad at giving constructive criticism and i think if you're receiving crit from someone that's not a bad thing to keep in mind for ur own sanity lol

[uncanny-tranny]

I've talked before about how the way people treat suicide can be unintentionally devastating to the suicidal person, but I don't think I really ever said how to avoid that.

Speaking about suicide in how selfish it "is" ("think about how you'll transfer your pain to your loved ones!") might seem like a way to put logical sense into the suicidal person, but, honestly? It runs the risk of massively increasing their shame and guilt about being suicidal. Suicide is not inherently a revenge fantasy or a way to "get back" at someone's loved ones, so when the suicidal person is treated like a criminal of a "crime" they haven't even committed yet, you can imagine how unhelpful that can become.

Instead, if you want to point out how cherished your person is, frame their relationships as something they can keep fostering.

"Your cat will miss you :(!!!!" becomes "you and your cat seem close, right? I'm sure it's beautiful having a close friend like that!" and maybe include ways that they and their cat are close and meaningful to each other, tailored to that relationship.

That's only one example, but when you shift the focus away from why that person should repent and feel guilty for being suicidal, you can instead focus on why they would live for that reason. See how you can frame that as a positive? Whatever is keeping that person tethered should never be used as a bludgeon, I think, because then you're taking away why they're living, the positivity of why they are here. Whatever they are here for should be remembered often and honoured.

[peapodsplace]

Hey Baba, it seems like you've been seeing a lot of yucky stuff online right now. A lot of people who aren't remembering their manners and are forgetting that there's people behind a screen. I know you like your screen time but please remember that the world isn't all like that okay? Some people are different online and forget their values and let's remember that these days, algorithms perpously show you things that'll make you upset. Yes, yes it's not very fair, is it sweetheart. Please remember to take some breaks and that the world isn't really like that. It's so important to protect yourself. Yes, silly even if you think you don't deserve it; because you do.

[brb-on-a-quest]

I had a thought last night, and even though the only canon bat source I've had is WFA, and I've only *just* started getting into fanfic, so characterizations may not be accurate/have been done before, but IDK. I need this to exist out there.

Timothy Drake-Wayne writes fics sometimes.

It started off with the necessity of creating so many fake IDs. One thing led to another and Tim was coming up with backstories for all the Johns, Marys, and Joes that he invented while doing his Gotham digital surveillance. After all, he was trying to make these people's fake IDs look as real as possible, which meant more than just a name on a couple of sheets of paper.

It means creating a fake digital footprint. For each one.

So, on the rare occasions when things are calmer, and he's not immediately needed, he sits on his computer and types out head cannons for each of the OCs he has created. He spends a lot of time doing research on different cultures, neurodivergencies, physical abilities, and backgrounds to try and 1) paint accurate pictures and 2) learn. He hides the world building tidbits in a secret folder that he's taken so many measures to hide from Oracle (she already knows, but she doesn't actively look after finally figuring out what the folder of names, complete with physical descriptions, life stories, and preferences is out of respect for Timothy). (Also, all this writing knowledge actually comes in handy for crime-solving things, but he doesn't fully realize it at the time).

Tim even went as far as to make social media accounts for some of his favorites and posts bits and pieces of the head cannons to make them, again, seem like real people. Just in case. As a precaution. You never know.

Jason finds out somehow, in a freak accident and collision of siblings that so often happens. Tim is sweating bullets, trying to steel himself for the endless teasing. He is fully prepared to delete every single file that's in that folder and deny that it ever exists for all eternity.

Except Jason doesn't. Jason's too much of a literary nerd (granted, he prefers more classic literature than social media fics, but this is another thing he can connect with his little brother on- he's *excited*) to tease Tim about the writing. He kind of persuades Tim to take more time for his hobby because Tim has some markings of talent in his very specific creative niche. Tim may have also convinced Jason to try it exactly once, to create a fake Twitter profile for Mr. Darcy and create shitposts from his point of view. He has a great time with it once, and then he moves on (but sometimes he creates other accounts for other characters that Tim doesn't know about).

They make a pact between the two of them not to tell the others; they'd ask too many questions and make it less fun.

But every once in a while, Tim would walk into Jason's place to crash for a bit, steal all of his Red Bull, update Jason on his writing projects, and get writing advice.

[max1461]

For reasons that I won't go into I want to switch to a different bank, but I don't really know how to pick a bank. I have just been using the same bank as my parents cause I figured it was good enough. How tf do you pick a bank?

[just-a-queer-fanboy]

Chronic fatigue is so annoying like.. yes I have tried exercising. Yes I have tried sleeping more. Yes I have tried yoga. And meditation. The thing is that shit doesn't even always work for abled people, let alone people with multiple conditions that cause chronic fatigue with no fix and no discernible cause.

And I have to keep explaining that yes, even though I'm doing everything I can, my body still decides that we haven't slept in 3 days. Kill me /j

[winterillustrates]

I'M OFFICIALLY IN MY DESCENDANTS X TWST PHASE, GUYS

GONNA BE POSTING MAL IF SHE WAS IN DIASOMNIA, SOON

WHY?

IDK

RISE OF RED JUST REMINDED ME HOW MUCH I MISSED THE OG

ARRRGGG

IS IT NORMAL TO SHIP EVIE AND ACE

JUST A QUESTION

[pushing500]

I absolutely love your Rimworld saga, I've always wanted to do something like it for one of my colonies but I'm a better writer than I am an artist. Any tips for someone not used to drawing people?

Thank you for the great stories and adorable artwork 💕

Ah, thank you so much!! I'm glad you like the Rimworld stuff, I really love making it, and I'm happy it seems to have found an audience that enjoys it.

As for art tips, here are three things I always try to remember when I'm drawing:

1. It's okay to use references!

I see a lot of people worried about art theft, tracing, and stealing, which are important issues to keep in mind. No artist wants their work stolen, and nobody wants to be accused of tracing or things like that. Certainly valid concerns for all parties.

However, I've noticed that a lot of people avoid using references because of those concerns. It's alright to use references for your artwork! You can and should look for references to practice with. It's not easy to make up every single pose from nothing, but I've seen a lot of artists give up because they can't figure poses out without looking up references, and they feel like that means they're not real artists.

I'm partial to stock photos personally. There are stock photos for every conceivable situation. Behold, one I used just yesterday:

References are good and definitely okay to use. Use them a lot! They're a wonderful way to practice, and it's much easier to make up your own poses and draw people once you're used to drawing the human form from your references.

2. Don't be afraid to be silly!

Not every piece of art needs to be a serious and carefully thought-out commentary on the nature of humanity or society or things like that. Not every piece of art needs to be beautiful, or perfect, or even comprehendible. When I first started drawing art for a Rimworld colony, I was sitting beside my little brother and watching him play. I was doodling pictures of his colonists, and do you know what I ended up with? Nothing deep and meaningful, that's for sure.

I ended up with memes. Memes that are still blu-tacked up where everybody who comes into my house can see them.

I love them. I had so much fun drawing them. That's the important bit! They're ridiculous, silly, stupid memes, and I love them so much because I loved drawing them. Have fun with your art. Don't make it a chore. Be silly. Let yourself enjoy the act of creating, even if you end up with something dumb. That's the best kind of art.

3. Do so much art! So much of it!

The old saying says practice makes perfect, and it's not entirely wrong. I don't think I have ever met someone who has ever created something and decided it was perfect, no matter how much they practised.

However, the more you practice, the better you will be. I would post pictures of my older art to demonstrate the improvement, but I still haven't quite managed to choke back the gag reflex that comes with seeing the old drawings I have tucked away.

Maybe one day, when I'm braver, I'll show you the wonky caricatures of people I used to draw, and you can see for yourself that the more you make, the better you'll get. For now, though, I shall leave you with a tiny sampling of my sketchbook collection and one (1) spooky boi:

I don't know if any of that was helpful. I'm not much of a teacher, I'm afraid, but I do wish you the best with your artistic endeavours! For what it's worth, I'd read a written story about a Rimworld game just as eagerly as I would absorb pictures of it.

Thank you for your lovely compliments, and I wish you the loveliest of days! 💕

[captain-lovelace]

God I wish people talked about how difficult polyamory can be in a nonjudgmental way

[lord-squiggletits]

The thing about writing advice is that generally the people who insist the hardest that "you HAVE to listen to writing advice or else you're just some stupid kid/loser who will never get better and thinks they're better than everyone else" are the ones that are mainly into writing critique to huff their own farts and feel as if they're intellectually superior, or think that babbling out some sort of half-assed vaguely analytical critique actually counts as critique.

In fact, I might even venture to say that writers (particularly ones who are young and/or only doing it for fun) shouldn't worry about asking for criticism at all should simply write as much and as often as possible, because when you're young and passionate and inexperienced the best way to learn is to just keep practicing again and again, not to get your hopes squashed by a bunch of pretentious strangers online giving you "critique" that may or may not be actually good.

And if/when you do decide to take criticism on your writing, please for the love of all that's holy take criticism from people that you know, and those people should be generally intelligent, insightful, creative, and kind. Can't stress enough that getting bad critique from a bunch of strangers who barely know you or your work <<<<<<<<<<< getting critique from one or three trusted people (friends, beta readers, teachers, professors, etc) who actually have your interests at heart and know what kind of writer you want to be.

[caluski]

I need to open an advice column I miss when people would ask me stuff like maurycy how do you find a way to live :( and I would just say things

[reenaria]

currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday

[hey-op-just-kill-me]

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