#peggy orenstein

[maaarine]

The Troubling Trend in Teenage Sex (Peggy Orenstein, The New York Times, April 12 2024)

"For the past four years, Dr. Herbenick has been tracking the rapid rise of “rough sex” among college students, particularly sexual strangulation, or what is colloquially referred to as choking.

Nearly two-thirds of women in her most recent campus-representative survey of 5,000 students at an anonymized “major Midwestern university” said a partner had choked them during sex (one-third in their most recent encounter).

The rate of those women who said they were between the ages 12 and 17 the first time that happened had shot up to 40 percent from one in four. (…)

Twenty years ago, sexual asphyxiation appears to have been unusual among any demographic, let alone young people who were new to sex and iffy at communication.

That’s changed radically in a short time, with health consequences that parents, educators, medical professionals, sexual consent advocates and teens themselves urgently need to understand.

Sexual trends can spread quickly on campus and, to an extent, in every direction.

But, at least among straight kids, I’ve sometimes noticed a pattern: Those that involve basic physical gratification — like receiving oral sex in hookups — tend to favor men.

Those that might entail pain or submission, like choking, are generally more for women.

So, while undergrads of all genders and sexualities in Dr. Herbenick’s surveys report both choking and being choked, straight and bisexual young women are far more likely to have been the subjects of the behavior; the gap widens with greater occurrences.

(In a separate study, Dr. Herbenick and her colleagues found the behavior repeated across the United States, particularly for adults under 40, and not just among college students.)

Alcohol may well be involved, and while the act is often engaged in with a steady partner, a quarter of young women said partners they’d had sex with on the day they’d met also choked them.

Either way, most say that their partners never or only sometimes asked before grabbing their necks.

For many, there had been moments when they couldn’t breathe or speak, compromising the ability to withdraw consent, if they’d given it.

No wonder that, in a separate study by Dr. Herbenick, choking was among the most frequently listed sex acts young women said had scared them, reporting that it sometimes made them worry whether they’d survive.

Among girls and women I’ve spoken with, many did not want or like to be sexually strangled, though in an otherwise desired encounter they didn’t name it as assault.

Still, a sizable number were enthusiastic; they requested it. It is exciting to feel so vulnerable, a college junior explained.

The power dynamic turns her on; oxygen deprivation to the brain can trigger euphoria.

That same young woman, incidentally, had never climaxed with a partner: While the prevalence of choking has skyrocketed, rates of orgasm among young women have not increased, nor has the “orgasm gap” disappeared among heterosexual couples.

“It indicates they’re not doing other things to enhance female arousal or pleasure,” Dr. Herbenick said.

When, for instance, she asked one male student who said he choked his partner whether he’d ever tried using a vibrator instead, he recoiled. “Why would I do that?” he asked.

Perhaps, she responded, because it would be more likely to produce orgasm without risking, you know, death.

In my interviews, college students have seen male orgasm as a given; women’s is nice if it happens, but certainly not expected or necessarily prioritized (by either partner).

It makes sense, then, that fulfillment would be less the motivator for choking than appearing adventurous or kinky. Such performances don’t always feel good. (…)

Now consider that every year Dr. Herbenick has done her survey, the number of females reporting extreme effects from strangulation (neck swelling, loss of consciousness, losing control of urinary function) has crept up.

Among those who’ve been choked, the rate of becoming what students call “cloudy” — close to passing out, but not crossing the line — is now one in five, a huge proportion.

All of this indicates partners are pressing on necks longer and harder.

The physical, cognitive and psychological impacts of sexual choking are disturbing.

So is the idea that at a time when women’s social, economic, educational and political power are in ascent (even if some of those rights may be in jeopardy), when #MeToo has made progress against harassment and assault, there has been the popularization of a sex act that can damage our brains, impair intellectual functioning, undermine mental health, even kill us.

Nonfatal strangulation, one of the most significant indicators that a man will murder his female partner (strangulation is also one of the most common methods used for doing so), has somehow been eroticized and made consensual, at least consensual enough.

Yet, the outcomes are largely the same: Women’s brains and bodies don’t distinguish whether they are being harmed out of hate or out of love."

[cozy-kit-cafe]

plush book self-care

[mafaldaknows]

Instagram: tinypricksproject

THE QUINTESSENTIAL MAGIC OF WOMEN 🪄✨💖✨🪄

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Do you have a list of good sex ed books to read?

BOY DO I

please bear in mind that some of these books are a little old (10+ years) by research standards now, and that even the newer ones are all flawed in some way. the thing about research on human beings, and especially research on something as nebulous and huge as sex, is that people are Always going to miss something or fail to account for every possible experience, and that's just something that we have to accept in good faith. I think all of these books have something interesting to say, but that doesn't mean any of them are the only book you'll ever need.

related to that: it's been A While since I've read some of these so sorry if anything in them has aged poorly (I don't THINK SO but like, I was not as discerning a reader when I was 19) but I am still including them as books that have been important to my personal journey as a sex educator.

additionally, a caveat that very few of these books are, like, instructional sex ed books in the sense of like "here's how the penis works, here's where the clit is, etc." those books exist and they're great but they're also not very interesting to me; my studies on sex are much more in the social aspect (shout out to my sociology degree) and the way people learn to think about sex and societal factors that shape those trends. these books reflect that. I would genuinely love to have the time to check out some 101 books to see how they fare, but alas - sex ed is not my day job and I don't have the time to dedicate to that, so it happens slowly when it happens at all. I've been meaning to read Dr. Gunter's Vagina Bible since it came out in 2019, for fucks sake.

and finally an acknowledgement that this is a fairly white list, which has as much to do with biases with academia and publishing as my own unchecked biases especially early in my academic career and the limitations of my university library.

ANYWAY here's some books about sex that have been influential/informative to me in one way or another:

The Trouble With Normal: Sex, Politics, and the Ethics of Queer Life (Michael Warner, 1999)

Virginity Lost: An Intimate Portrait of First Sexual Experiences (Laura M. Carpenter, 2005)

Virgin: The Untouched History (Hanne Blank, 2007)

Sex Goes to School: Girls and Sex Education Before the 1960s (Susan K. Freeman, 2008)

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex (Mary Roach, 2008)

Transgender History: The Roots of Today's Revolution (Revised Edition) (Susan Stryker, 2008)

The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women (Jessica Valenti, 2009)

Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex (Amy T. Schalet, 2011)

Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality (Hanne Blank, 2012)

Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships (Meg-John Barker, 2013)

The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Realities (Rachel Hills, 2015)

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Tranform Your Sex Life (Emily Nagoski, 2015)

Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men (Jane Ward, 2015)

Too Hot to Handle: A Global History of Sex Education (Jonathan Zimmerman, 2015)

American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus (Lisa Wade, 2017)

Histories of the Transgender Child (Jules Gill-Peterson, 2018)

Revolting Prostitutes: The Fight for Sex Workers' Rights (Juno Mac and Molly Smith, 2018)

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex (Angela Chen, 2020)

Pleasure in the News: African American Readership and Sexuality in the Black Press (Kim Gallon, 2020)

A Curious History of Sex (Kate Lister, 2020)

Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity (Peggy Orenstein, 2020)

Black Women, Black Love: America's War on Africa American Marriage (Dianne M. Stewart, 2020)

The Tragedy of Heterosexuality (Jane Ward, 2020)

Hurts So Good: The Science and Pleasure of Pain on Purpose (Leigh Cowart, 2021)

Strange Bedfellows: Adventures in the Science, History, and Surprising Secrets of STDs (Ina Park, 2021)

The Right to Sex: Feminist in the Twenty-First Century (Amia Srinivasan, 2021)

Love Your Asian Body: AIDS Activism in Los Angeles (Eric C. Wat, 2021)

Superfreaks: Kink, Pleasure, and the Pursuit of Happiness (Arielle Greenberg, 2023)

[icedbatik]

I saw this opinion piece in the New York Times and, while I don't normally copy and paste entire newspaper articles, this is an excellent (if scary) read.

Aside from the sections on how much lack of consent there is in today's sexual landscape, hockey fans -- who should be well aware of the dangers of concussions -- might take particular note of the section in which "choking" during sex is linked to brain damage on par with concussion damage.

The Troubling Trend in Teenage Sex

April 12, 2024

By Peggy Orenstein

Debby Herbenick is one of the foremost researchers on American sexual behavior. The director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and the author of the pointedly titled book “Yes, Your Kid,” she usually shares her data, no matter how explicit, without judgment. So I was surprised by how concerned she seemed when we checked in on Zoom recently: “I haven’t often felt so strongly about getting research out there,” she told me. “But this is lifesaving.”

For the past four years, Dr. Herbenick has been tracking the rapid rise of “rough sex” among college students, particularly sexual strangulation, or what is colloquially referred to as choking. Nearly two-thirds of women in her most recent campus-representative survey of 5,000 students at an anonymized “major Midwestern university” said a partner had choked them during sex (one-third in their most recent encounter). The rate of those women who said they were between the ages 12 and 17 the first time that happened had shot up to 40 percent from one in four.

As someone who’s been writing for well over a decade about young people’s attitudes and early experience with sex in all its forms, I’d also begun clocking this phenomenon. I was initially startled in early 2020 when, during a post-talk Q. and A. at an independent high school, a 16-year-old girl asked, “How come boys all want to choke you?” In a different class, a 15-year-old boy wanted to know, “Why do girls all want to be choked?” They do? Not long after, a college sophomore (and longtime interview subject) contacted me after her roommate came home in tears because a hookup partner, without warning, had put both hands on her throat and squeezed.

I started to ask more, and the stories piled up. Another sophomore confided that she enjoyed being choked by her boyfriend, though it was important for a partner to be “properly educated” — pressing on the sides of the neck, for example, rather than the trachea. (Note: There is no safe way to strangle someone.) A male freshman said “girls expected” to be choked and, even though he didn’t want to do it, refusing would make him seem like a “simp.” And a senior in high school was angry that her friends called her “vanilla” when she complained that her boyfriend had choked her.

Sexual strangulation, nearly always of women in heterosexual pornography, has long been a staple on free sites, those default sources of sex ed for teens. As with anything else, repeat exposure can render the once appalling appealing. It’s not uncommon for behaviors to be normalized in porn, move within a few years to mainstream media, then, in what may become a feedback loop, be adopted in the bedroom or the dorm room.

Choking, Dr. Herbenick said, seems to have made that first leap in a 2008 episode of Showtime’s “Californication,” where it was still depicted as outré, then accelerated after the success of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” By 2019, when a high school girl was choked in the pilot of HBO’s “Euphoria,” it was standard fare. A young woman was choked in the opener of “The Idol” (again on HBO and also, like “Euphoria,” created by Sam Levinson; what’s with him?). Ali Wong plays the proclivity for laughs in a Netflix special, and it’s a punchline in Tina Fey’s new “Mean Girls.” The chorus of Jack Harlow’s “Lovin On Me,” which topped Billboard’s Hot 100 chart for six nonconsecutive weeks this winter and has been viewed over 99 million times on YouTube, starts with, “I’m vanilla, baby, I’ll choke you, but I ain’t no killer, baby.” How-to articles abound on the internet, and social media algorithms feed young people (but typically not their unsuspecting parents) hundreds of #chokemedaddy memes along with memes that mock — even celebrate — the potential for hurting or killing female partners.

I’m not here to kink-shame (or anything-shame). And, anyway, many experienced BDSM practitioners discourage choking, believing it to be too dangerous. There are still relatively few studies on the subject, and most have been done by Dr. Herbenick and her colleagues. Reports among adolescents are now trickling out from the United Kingdom, Australia, Iceland, New Zealand and Italy.

Twenty years ago, sexual asphyxiation appears to have been unusual among any demographic, let alone young people who were new to sex and iffy at communication. That’s changed radically in a short time, with health consequences that parents, educators, medical professionals, sexual consent advocates and teens themselves urgently need to understand.

Sexual trends can spread quickly on campus and, to an extent, in every direction. But, at least among straight kids, I’ve sometimes noticed a pattern: Those that involve basic physical gratification — like receiving oral sex in hookups — tend to favor men. Those that might entail pain or submission, like choking, are generally more for women.

So, while undergrads of all genders and sexualities in Dr. Herbenick’s surveys report both choking and being choked, straight and bisexual young women are far more likely to have been the subjects of the behavior; the gap widens with greater occurrences. (In a separate study, Dr. Herbenick and her colleagues found the behavior repeated across the United States, particularly for adults under 40, and not just among college students.) Alcohol may well be involved, and while the act is often engaged in with a steady partner, a quarter of young women said partners they’d had sex with on the day they’d met also choked them.

Either way, most say that their partners never or only sometimes asked before grabbing their necks. For many, there had been moments when they couldn’t breathe or speak, compromising the ability to withdraw consent, if they’d given it. No wonder that, in a separate study by Dr. Herbenick, choking was among the most frequently listed sex acts young women said had scared them, reporting that it sometimes made them worry whether they’d survive.

Among girls and women I’ve spoken with, many did not want or like to be sexually strangled, though in an otherwise desired encounter they didn’t name it as assault. Still, a sizable number were enthusiastic; they requested it. It is exciting to feel so vulnerable, a college junior explained. The power dynamic turns her on; oxygen deprivation to the brain can trigger euphoria.

That same young woman, incidentally, had never climaxed with a partner: While the prevalence of choking has skyrocketed, rates of orgasm among young women have not increased, nor has the “orgasm gap” disappeared among heterosexual couples. “It indicates they’re not doing other things to enhance female arousal or pleasure,” Dr. Herbenick said.

When, for instance, she asked one male student who said he choked his partner whether he’d ever tried using a vibrator instead, he recoiled. “Why would I do that?” he asked.

Perhaps, she responded, because it would be more likely to produce orgasm without risking, you know, death.

In my interviews, college students have seen male orgasm as a given; women’s is nice if it happens, but certainly not expected or necessarily prioritized (by either partner). It makes sense, then, that fulfillment would be less the motivator for choking than appearing adventurous or kinky. Such performances don’t always feel good.

“Personally, my hypothesis is that this is one of the reasons young people are delaying or having less sex,” Dr. Herbenick said. “Because it’s uncomfortable and weird and scary. At times some of them literally think someone is assaulting them but they don’t know. Those are the only sexual experiences for some people. And it’s not just once they’ve gotten naked. They’ll say things like, ‘I’ve only tried to make out with someone once because he started choking and hitting me.’”

Keisuke Kawata, a neuroscientist at Indiana University’s School of Public Health, was one of the first researchers to sound the alarm on how the cumulative, seemingly inconsequential, sub-concussive hits football players sustain (as opposed to the occasional hard blow) were key to triggering C.T.E., the degenerative brain disease. He’s a good judge of serious threats to the brain. In response to Dr. Herbenick’s work, he’s turning his attention to sexual strangulation. “I see a similarity” to C.T.E., he told me, “though the mechanism of injury is very different.” In this case, it is oxygen-blocking pressure to the throat, frequently in light, repeated bursts of a few seconds each.

Strangulation — sexual or otherwise — often leaves few visible marks and can be easily overlooked as a cause of death. Those whose experiences are nonlethal rarely seek medical attention, because any injuries seem minor: Young women Dr. Herbenick studied mostly reported lightheadedness, headaches, neck pain, temporary loss of coordination and ear ringing. The symptoms resolve, and all seems well. But, as with those N.F.L. players, the true effects are silent, potentially not showing up for days, weeks, even years.

According to the American Academy of Neurology, restricting blood flow to the brain, even briefly, can cause permanent injury, including stroke and cognitive impairment. In M.R.I.s conducted by Dr. Kawata and his colleagues (including Dr. Herbenick, who is a co-author of his papers on strangulation), undergraduate women who have been repeatedly choked show a reduction in cortical folding in the brain compared with a never-choked control group. They also showed widespread cortical thickening, an inflammation response that is associated with elevated risk of later-onset mental illness. In completing simple memory tasks, their brains had to work far harder than the control group, recruiting from more regions to achieve the same level of accuracy.

The hemispheres in the choked group’s brains, too, were badly skewed, with the right side hyperactive and the left underperforming. A similar imbalance is associated with mood disorders — and indeed in Dr. Herbenick’s surveys girls and women who had been choked were more likely than others (or choked men) to have experienced overwhelming anxiety, as well as sadness and loneliness, with the effect more pronounced as the incidence rose: Women who had experienced more than five instances of choking were two and a half times as likely as those who had never been choked to say they had been so depressed within the previous 30 days they couldn’t function. Whether girls and women with mental health challenges are more likely to seek out (or be subjected to) choking, choking causes mood disorders, or some combination of the two is still unclear. But hypoxia, or oxygen deprivation — judging by what research has shown about other types of traumatic brain injury — could be a contributing factor. Given the soaring rates of depression and anxiety among young women, that warrants concern.

Now consider that every year Dr. Herbenick has done her survey, the number of females reporting extreme effects from strangulation (neck swelling, loss of consciousness, losing control of urinary function) has crept up. Among those who’ve been choked, the rate of becoming what students call “cloudy” — close to passing out, but not crossing the line — is now one in five, a huge proportion. All of this indicates partners are pressing on necks longer and harder.

The physical, cognitive and psychological impacts of sexual choking are disturbing. So is the idea that at a time when women’s social, economic, educational and political power are in ascent (even if some of those rights may be in jeopardy), when #MeToo has made progress against harassment and assault, there has been the popularization of a sex act that can damage our brains, impair intellectual functioning, undermine mental health, even kill us. Nonfatal strangulation, one of the most significant indicators that a man will murder his female partner (strangulation is also one of the most common methods used for doing so), has somehow been eroticized and made consensual, at least consensual enough. Yet, the outcomes are largely the same: Women’s brains and bodies don’t distinguish whether they are being harmed out of hate or out of love.

By now I’m guessing that parents are curled under their chairs in a fetal position. Or perhaps thinking, “No, not my kid!” (see: title of Dr. Herbenick’s book above, which, by the way, contains an entire chapter on how to talk to your teen about “rough sex”).

I get it. It’s scary stuff. Dr. Herbenick is worried; I am, too. And we are hardly some anti-sex, wait-till-marriage crusaders. But I don’t think our only option is to wring our hands over what young people are doing.

Parents should take a beat and consider how they might give their children relevant information in a way that they can hear it. Maybe reiterate that they want them to have a pleasurable sex life — you have already said that, right? — and also want them to be safe. Tell them that misinformation about certain practices, including choking, is rampant, that in reality it has grave health consequences. Plus, whether or not a partner initially requested it, if things go wrong, you’re generally criminally on the hook.

Dr. Herbenick suggests reminding them that there are other, lower-risk ways to be exploratory or adventurous if that is what they are after, but it would be wisest to delay any “rough sex” until they are older and more skilled at communicating. She offers language when negotiating with a new partner, such as, “By the way, I’m not comfortable with” — choking, or other escalating behaviors such as name-calling, spitting and genital slapping — “so please don’t do it/don’t ask me to do it to you.” They could also add what they are into and want to do together.

I’d like to point high school health teachers to evidence-based porn literacy curricula, but I realize that incorporating such lessons into their classrooms could cost them their jobs. Shafia Zaloom, a lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, recommends, if that’s the case, grounding discussions in mainstream and social media. There are plenty of opportunities. “You can use it to deconstruct gender norms, power dynamics in relationships, ‘performative’ trends that don’t represent most people’s healthy behaviors,” she said, “especially depictions of people putting pressure on someone’s neck or chest.”

I also know that pediatricians, like other adults, struggle when talking to adolescents about sex (the typical conversation, if it happens, lasts 40 seconds). Then again, they already caution younger children to use a helmet when they ride a bike (because heads and necks are delicate!); they can mention that teens might hear about things people do in sexual situations, including choking, then explain the impact on brain health and why such behavior is best avoided. They should emphasize that if, for any reason — a fall, a sports mishap or anything else — a young person develops symptoms of head trauma, they should come in immediately, no judgment, for help in healing.

The role and responsibility of the entertainment industry is a tangled knot: Media reflects behavior but also drives it, either expanding possibilities or increasing risks. There is precedent for accountability. The European Union now requires age verification on the world’s largest porn sites (in ways that preserve user privacy, whatever that means on the internet); that discussion, unsurprisingly, had been politicized here. Social media platforms have already been pushed to ban content promoting eating disorders, self-harm and suicide — they should likewise be pressured to ban content promoting choking. Traditional formats can stop glamorizing strangulation, making light of it, spreading false information, using it to signal female characters’ complexity or sexual awakening. Young people’s sexual scripts are shaped by what they watch, scroll by and listen to — unprecedentedly so. They deserve, and desperately need, models of interactions that are respectful, communicative, mutual and, at the very least, safe.

Peggy Orenstein is the author of “Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent and Navigating the New Masculinity” and “Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape.”

[lizbethborden]

Hi again! Yeah, from your bookshelf! You seem well informed and I wanna know the type of stuff you read and might recommend. I don't even know what to tell you for my interests because I feel like I'm just begining. Sorry I'm young and dumb still haha.

#1 you're not dumb and #2 nothing to apologize for :)

Here's some books I've got on my shelves or that I've read:

Men Who Hate Women: From Incels to Pickup Artists, Laura Bates

Pro: Reclaiming Abortion Rights, Katha Pollitt

Women, Race, & Class, Angela Davis

American Girls, Nancy Jo Sales

Lesbian Culture: An Anthology, eds. Julia Penelope and Susan J Wolf

Lesbian Studies, Margaret Cavendish

Hood Feminism, Mikki Kendall

Against White Feminism, Rafia Zakaria

Sister and Brother: Lesbians and Gay Men Write About Their Lives Together, eds Joan Nestle and John Preston

Another Mother Tongue, Judy Grahn

Aimee & Jaguar, Erica Fischer

Mouths of Rain: An Anthology of Black Lesbian Thought, ed. Briona Simone Jones

Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe, John Boswell

The Mary Daly Reader, eds. Jennifer Rycenga and Linda Barufaldi

Hidden from History: Reclaiming the Gay and Lesbian Past, eds. Martin Duberman, Martha Vicinus, George Chauncey Jr.

Testosterone Rex: Myths of Sex, Science, and Society, Cordelia Fine

Speaking Freely: Unlearning the Lies of the Father's Tongue, Julia Penelope

The Resisting Reader, Judith Fetterley

The Double X Economy, Linda Scott

Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture, ed. Roxane Gay

Home Grown: How Domestic Violence Turns Men Into Terrorists, Joan Smith

Intercourse, Andrea Dworkin

The Trials of Nina McCall: Sex, Surveillance, and the Decades-Long Government Plan to Imprison "Promiscuous" Women, Scott Stern

The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory, Marilyn Frye

Only Words, Catharine A. Mackinnon

Everything Below the Waist: Why Health Care Needs a Feminist Revolution, Jennifer Block

Witchcraze: A New History of the European Witch Hunts, Anne Llwellyn Barstow

Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Frontlines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture, Peggy Orenstein

Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men, Caroline Criado-Perez

Lesbian Ethics: Toward New Values, Sarah Lucia Hoagland

We Were Feminists Once: From Riot Grrrl to CoverGirl, the Buying and Selling of a Political Movement, Andi Zeisler

Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution, Adrienne Rich

On Lies, Secrets, and Silence: Selected Prose, Adrienne Rich

Feminism, Animals, and Science: The Naming of the Shrew, Lynda Birke

The Female Body in Western Culture: Contemporary Perspectives, ed. Susan Rubin Suleiman

Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza, Gloria Anzaldua

Flesh Wounds: The Culture of Cosmetic Surgery, Virginia L Blum

Black Feminist Thought: Knowledge, Consciousness, and the Politics of Empowerment, Patricia Hill Collins

Pornland: How Porn has Hijacked our Sexuality, Gail Dines

Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women, Susan Faludi

From Eve to Dawn: A History of Women in the World, Marilyn French

This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color, eds. Cherrie Moraga and Gloria Anzaldua

Seeing Like a Feminist, Nivedita Menon

With Her Machete In Her Hand: Reading Chicana Lesbians, Catriona Reuda Esquibel

The Disappearing L: Erasure of Lesbian Spaces and Culture, Bonnie J. Morris

Foundlings: Lesbian and Gay Historical Emotion before Stonewall, Christopher Nealon

The Persistent Desire: A Butch/Femme Reader, ed. Joan Nestle

The Straight Mind and Other Essays, Monique Wittig

The Trouble Between us: An Uneasy History of White and Black Women in the Feminist Movement, Winifred Breines

Right-Wing Women, Andrea Dworkin

Woman Hating, Andrea Dworkin

Why I Am Not A Feminist, Jessica Crispin

Sapphistries: A Global History of Love Between Women, Leila J Rupp

I tried to avoid too many left turns into my specific interests although if you passionately want to know any of those, I can make you some more lists LOL

I would suggest picking a book that sounds interesting and using the footnotes and bibliography to find more to read. I've done that a lot :) a lot of my books have more sticky tabs or w/e in the bibliography than in the text so I don't lose stuff I'm interested in.

Hope this helps!

[madsmilfelsen]

Hello! I'm really curious, what books/authors would you recommend to someone who's new to writing horror?

Hi! Here is what I have on hand (minus my loaned out copies of my favorite book ever Mongrels by Stephen Graham Jones and Never Whistle At Night: an indigenous anthology of dark fiction which made me cry on an airplane and made the person next to me very uncomfortable, like she was just trying to build a cart at banana republic, apologies to seat 17B)

God’s Cruel Joke Lit Mag because I’m in them and will be in issue 4, too :) published either mid-January or February 2024– @labyrinthphanlivingafacade is in issue 3 with a great short story that I won’t spoil ***right now the magazines are available to purchase in physical copies but I was told all issues will be free to download as pdfs pretty soon!

Severance by Ling Ma (body horror but not in the way you think, the real horror is repetition and loneliness)

Wilder Girls by Rory Power (body horror)

The Female of the Species by Mindy McGinnis (adjacent the horror genre but a hell of a read)

ANYTHING BY STEPHAN GRAHAM JONES ANYTHING

We Have Always Lived in a Castle by Shirely Jackson (I read this for the first time last spring boy howdy, I also included The Lottery for its suspense)

Dean Koontz because my husband suggested it for the list— this was just the first title I grabbed, I think he said Patrician Crowell too but I was busy looking for Mongrels

A Good and Happy Child by Justin Evans (I didn’t finish this because depression set in shortly after I started but the first chapter plays with second pov which I really liked, I’m determined to read it this year)

Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn (I really enjoyed HBO’s adaptation)

The Girl With All The Gifts by M.R. Carey (likely the only zombie stories that made me weep uncontrollably)

Girls & Sex by Peggy Orenstein (non-fiction: explores modern young women navigating sexuality and because I have a thing for loss of autonomy— it’s been a few years since I read it but there is discussion of sexual assault, but I appreciate the expanse of her research and even included a conversation with someone who is asexual)

Black Leopard Red Wolf by Marlon James (got a chill just typing this out— the audio book is exquisite)

You’ll notice some nonfiction because, as a historian undergrad, nothing scares me more than man. The battles of Leningrad and Stalingrad are particularly stomach churning. America’s Reconstruction Era is full of acted out malice and under taught in my opinion.

An Indigenous People’s History of the United States by Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz

The 900 Days, The Siege of Leningrad by Harrison E. Salisbury

Enemy at the Gates by William Craig

(On the other side of WW2 I have a book of the experiences of German solider’s left over from a paper I wrote on the inadequacy of Nazi uniforms and how it expedited their failure in Russia, Frontsoldaten by Stephen G. Fritz)

Stony the Road by Henry Louis Gates, Jr (one of my favorite authors, try finding “How Reconstruction Still Shapes American Racism” Time Magazine, April 2, 2019, I used it as a source for a paper on the history of voting rights)

Bloodstoppers and Bearwalkers— folk tales of Canadians, Lumberjacks & Indians by Richard M. Dorson (published around 1952 but content collected from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in the 40’s)

Raven Tells Stories: An Anthology of Alaskan Native Writing (I’m Alutiiq and the museum on Kodiak has a lot of stories recorded under Alutiiq Museum Podcast— my kids and I listen on Spotify)

I think the genre of horror is really mastering tension and playing on peoples fears which is why I included old school folk stories (An Underground Education had a great write up on the Grimm Brothers and the original fairy tales from around the world such as the Chinese and Egyptian Cinderella, as well as several different sections of funny tales, torture techniques, absolute weirdos etc etc) in this vein of thought The Uses of Enchanment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales by Bruno Bettelheim could prove to be useful

If you’re writing a character with Bad Parents— Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Toxic Parents (it has a longer subtitle but I don’t see my copy anywhere) might be able to help you shape character traits

I reached out to @littleredwritingcat who has a mind plentiful in sources who recommended

The Gathering Dark: an anthology of folk horror (I will be picking this one up asap)

Toll by Cherie Priest (southern gothic)

Anything by Jennifer MacMahon

The Elementals by Michael McDowell

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

However, scholars who use the concept frequently fail to define it or integrate it within broader theorization of masculinity. I surveyed 60 scholarly articles published since 2016 mentioning toxic masculinity. More than half of those did not define it, relying on it to signal disapproval. The book Toxic Geek Masculinity (Salter and Blodgett 2017), for instance, uses the term frequently without definition.

Working With Men, an award-winning UK charity supporting positive male activity and engagement, today released the results of its Future Men 2018 Survey. The survey revealed that UK society has a negative view of the word ‘masculine’, with very few respondents associating masculinity with positive human traits such as care/ kindness (3%), respectfulness (1%), honesty (1%) and supportiveness (1%).

The research, conducted by YouGov, polled a nationally representative sample of 2,058 British adults, highlighting the public’s views on masculinity and what it means “to be a man” in the UK.

By 2017, there were thousands of mentions, mostly in the mainstream media. Harrington points out that the term is almost never defined, even by academics, and is instead used to simply “signal disapproval.” Lacking any coherent or consistent definition, the phrase now refers to any male behavior that the user disapproves of, from the tragic to the trivial. It has been blamed, among other things, for mass shootings, gang violence, rape, online trolling, climate change, the financial crisis, Brexit, the election of Donald Trump, and an unwillingness to wear a mask during the COVID-19 pandemic. Lumping together terrorists and delinquents, it ultimately poisons the very idea of masculinity itself. Interviewing dozens of adolescent boys and young men for her book Boys and Sex, Peggy Orenstein always asked them what they liked about being a boy. She says most drew a blank. “That’s interesting,” one college sophomore told her. “I never really thought about that. You hear a lot more about what is wrong with guys.”

Toxic masculinity is a counterproductive term. Very few boys and men are likely to react well to the idea that there is something toxic inside them that needs to be exorcized. This is especially true given that most of them identify quite strongly with their masculinity. Nine in ten men and women describe themselves as either “completely” or “mostly” masculine or feminine. These gender identities are held quite strongly too. Almost half of men (43%) said their sex was “extremely important” to their identity. In another survey by Pew Research Center, a similar proportion of men (46%) said that it was either very or somewhat important for others to see them as “manly or masculine.” (In both surveys, the numbers were even higher for women.) In other words, most people identify pretty strongly as either masculine or feminine. It is a bad idea to send a cultural signal to half the population that there may be something intrinsically wrong with them.

Reactions to contemporary narratives about masculinity: A pilot study

Masculinity is frequently talked about in contemporary Western media as being in crisis, needing reform or even being ‘toxic’. However, no research to date has assessed the impact that this pervasive narrative might be having on people, particularly men themselves. This cross-sectional online pilot survey asked 203 men and 52 women (mean + SD age 46 + 13) their opinions about the terms toxic masculinity, traditional masculinity, and positive masculinity, and how they would feel if their gender was seen as the cause of their relationship or job problems. Most participants thought the term toxic masculinity insulting, probably harmful to boys, and unlikely to help men’s behaviour. Having feminist views, especially being anti-patriarchy, were correlated with more tolerance of the term toxic masculinity. Most participants said they would be unhappy if their masculinity or femininity were blamed for their work or relationship problems. Further analysis using multiple linear regression found that men’s self-esteem was significantly predicted by older age, more education, and a greater acceptance of traditional masculinity. Men’s mental positivity – which is known to be negatively correlated with suicidality – was significantly predicted by older age, a greater acceptance of traditional masculinity, and more education. Implications for the mental health of men and boys are discussed in relation to the narrative around masculinity in the media, social sciences, and in clinical psychology.

[maaarine]

Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity (Peggy Orenstein, 2020)

"When the men realized that their actions conflicted with their stated beliefs, they expanded their definitions of consent rather than questioning their behavior.

Their ideas of “yes” turned out to be so elastic that for some they encompassed actions that met the legal criteria for assault—such as the guy who had coerced his girlfriend into anal sex (she had said, “I don’t want to, but I guess I’ll let you”).

She made it clear that he should stop.

“He did, eventually,” Bedera told me, “and he seemed aware of how upset she was, but he found a way to rationalize it: he was angry with her for refusing him because he thought a real man shouldn’t have had to beg for sex.”

Perhaps that should not be surprising, given that men who are incarcerated for committing old-school rape—those stranger-in-a-dark-alley guys—also typically believe that their victims wanted it and for many of the same reasons: moaning (which can indicate pain as well as pleasure), accelerated heart rate (a sign of terror as well as excitement), vaginal lubrication (which is involuntary).

They, too, generally deny “rape,” even if they acknowledge the more euphemistic “nonconsensual sex.”

The truth is, research has shown young men to have a remarkably sophisticated and subtle understanding of sexual refusal, regardless of whether a partner ever utters the word “no”; that renders dubious the common defense that they “can’t tell” or “aren’t mind readers.”

What’s more, where “yes” is concerned, guys seem downright clairvoyant.

Bedera’s subjects considered such nonsexual physical cues as direct eye contact to be clear propositions.

Obviously, looking into someone’s eyes doesn’t always signal seduction, and guys know that.

When I, a middle-aged woman, would look straight at them while asking about, say, cunnilingus, not a single one mistook that for a come-on.

Yet, when my eighteen-year-old female intern conducted interviews at her college, every guy hit on her: the same questions from an attractive peer were sexualized because the boys wanted them to be.

Some guys Bedera talked to believed smiling indicated a girl wanted to have sex: it might, though people smile for all sorts of reasons, including discomfort and appeasement.

Compliments were another frequently cited indicator (causing me to reconsider expressing admiration for a male passenger’s stylish luggage the last time I was on an airplane).

Standing close. Dancing. Touching someone’s arm during conversation.

A third of the supposed sexual signals came up only once in Bedera’s study, making it hard to ever predict what a man might see as an invitation: a random emoji; the lack of a bra; sitting on a guy’s lap in a crowded car.

True, any of those might have meant sexual interest—or not.

The only thing they all had in common was that the guy in question read them as evidence.

The boys also tended to equate enthusiastic participation in any sexual act (such as kissing) with enthusiastic consent to vaginal intercourse.

When they drink, young (and not so young) men are even more likely to overestimate female sexual interest—as well as to overstate women’s role as initiators—interpreting any expression of friendliness by a girl as: It’s on."

[the-forest-library]

January 2023 Reads

Partners in Crime - Alisha Rai

Never Ever Getting Back Together - Sophie Gonzales (thank you, carrie!)

The Key to My Heart - Lia Louis

A Little Bit Country - Brian D. Kennedy

Funny You Should Ask - Elissa Sussman

A Guide to Being Just Friends - Sophie Sullivan

Mysteries of Thorn Manner - Margaret Rogerson

Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries - Heather Fawcett

Wildwood Dancing - Juliet Marillier

Really Good, Actually - Monica Heisey

Dead Collections - Isaac Fellman

Ms. Demeanor - Elinor Lipman

They Never Learn - Layne Fargo

Five Survive - Holly Jackson

The Silence Between Us - Alison Gervais

6 Times We Almost Kissed - Tess Sharpe

The Star That Always Stays - Anna Rose Johnson

Illuminations - T. Kingfisher

The Witch Boy - Molly Knox Ostertag

Witchlight - Jessi Zabarsky

Hawkeye, Vol 1 - Matt Fraction

Hawkeye, Vol 2 - Matt Fraction

You Can Do All Things - Kate Allan

Divergent Mind - Jenara Nuremberg

The Swedish Art of Aging Exuberantly - Margareta Magnusson

Unraveling - Peggy Orenstein

Windfall - Erika Bolstad

Quit - Annie Duke

Portable Magic - Emma Smith

Little Pieces of Hope - Todd Doughty (thanks, kim!)

This is Not a Book About Benedict Cumberbatch - Tabitha Carvan

Two Old Broads - Dr M.E. Hecht and Whoopi Goldberg

Year of the Tiger - Alice Wong 

Spare - Prince Harry

Hello, Molly! - Molly Shannon

Ottolenghi Test Kitchen: Shelf Love - Yotam Ottolenghi

The Blue Zones American Kitchen - Dan Buettner

Bold = Highly Recommend Italics = Worth It Crossed out = Nope

Thoughts:

This was a really good reading month to start the year with. I was able to get to quite a few of the books on my physical TBR and really enjoyed the two books I was most looking forward to: Mysteries of Thorn Manor and Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries.

Goodreads Goal: 37/400 

2017 Reads | 2018 Reads | 2019 Reads | 2020 Reads | 2021 Reads |

2022 Reads | 2023 Reads 

[wambsgansroy]

It’s just like preventative botox Peggy Orenstein teen choking nyt article Taylor swift Travis kelce trad wife tiktok the cut age gap article ozempic deepfake porn in high schools my best friend is afraid if she breaks up with their controlling bf he’ll kill himself girl math new Johnny depp movie new brad pitt movie new woody Allen movie new photos of Kanye wests wife basically naked next to him the same 2 rapists running for president again abortion laws getting slaughtered left and right abortion pill costs 500 dollars teenage girls are afraid to be vanilla in bed it’s getting warm so new commercials to remind us every body is unique and beautiful as long as it’s shaved can’t say that word rape or murder on tiktok but here’s a deepfake of an airbrushed Nicole Simpson describing what happened to her but don’t worry she’ll only use code words and don’t forget to like and subscribe for more dead women and girls to flatly describe what was done to them I feel so so sick every time !!! My god!!!!

[redheadgleek]

Books read October-December

My goal was to read 120 books this year. I just finished number 129. (Some of these I reviewed as part of my WWW posts).

October:

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. I had high expectations for this book, as it had been so praised, and I felt let down by it. Still enjoyable, but needed more octopus. Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe. Read as part of Banned Books week. The Romance Rx by Kathryn Riya. I wanted more medicine and medicine-related residency drama. Unraveling: What I Learned about Life While Shearing Sheep, Dyeing Wool, and Making the World’s Ugliest Sweater by Peggy Orenstein. Just a really lovely memoir about life changing and feeling present in the world. The Unfortunate Side Effects of Heartbreak and Magic by Breanne Randall. Such a disappointing book. Deerskin by Robin Mckinley. Reread. Not my favorite book of hers, but it’s still a great retelling.

November:

Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel. A retelling of an old Hindu religious myth, a story I was only passingly familiar with. I enjoyed the world building, I had trouble with some of the motivations of the characters. And I think it’s hard to write a retelling of a story that a major religion is based on. Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. This is such a wonderful book, with the mystery and characters slowly being revealed. The Halcyon Fairy Book by T. Kingfisher. Just witty retellings of fairy tales with a lot of humor and grim. The Anthropocene Reviewed: Essays on a Human-Centered Planet by John Green. I really loved this collection of essays on our world. Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants by Robin Wall Kimmerer. Audiobook. A beautiful exploration of our connection with the world and how we can heal that relationship. The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abby Waxman. Library find. Cute light book, (although if I had a boss who didn’t pay the rent for 6 months straight and I was threatened with losing my job because of it, I wouldn’t be all “oh she’s just that way”) but one that I probably won’t remember in a year or two. The Twisted Ones by T. Kingfisher. The atmosphere in this book is almost its own character. I loved the secondary characters, but the middle sagged a lot. Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros. I struggled so much with the beginning, because the set up was so ridiculous. It picked up after that and ended strongly. I don’t know how she’s going to write a 5 book series though. The Magical Language of Others by E.J. Koh. NPR did a write up on her debut novel, but it wasn’t available at the library. It was a quick read but I found the writing to be confusing in places and lacking in emotional growth. Check & Mate by Ali Hazelwood. Charming, nerdy, engaging. Just a fun new adult book. Sweet Like Jasmine: Finding Identity in a Culture of Loneliness by Bonnie Gray. This book was not for me. Ugh. The Ladies of Grace Adieu, and Other Stories by Susanna Clarke. Audiobook. Just a lot of fun going back into the world of Jonathan Strange. I really want her to write a prequel with The Raven King. Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir. I loved Rocky and the ending. Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez. Still on the lookout for the perfect doctor romance. This one was enjoyable and mostly accurate.

December:

Mister Magic by Kiersten White. Payback’s a Witch by Lana Harper. Gwen and Art Are Not in Love by Lex Croucher. Paladin’s Grace, Paladin’s Strength, Paladin’s Hope by T. Kingfisher. Reread these in anticipation of the release of her latest Saints of Steel’s book. Just excellent world building and romance and humor. Know My Name by Chanel Miller. Book club book. Harrowing memoir, but what I really appreciated was the description of how the justice system is so awful for victims. Paladin’s Faith by T. Kingfisher. I cannot wait for the other 3 books. Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez, the sequel to Part of Your World. I liked this one better and it was almost the doctor romance that I’ve been craving. The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan. I’d read it if you like dystopian novels, but I’m still grousing about how the villains were single, childless women. A Restless Truth by Freya Marske. Reread. I liked it better than the first time, maybe because I skipped over a lot of the romance (it’s a trope that I just don’t like). Carry on by Rainbow Rowell. Reread, audiobook. The audiobook was a lot of fun and I’ve forgotten a lot of details in the last 5+ years. A Power Unbound by Freya Marske. A satisfying conclusion to the trilogy, but the first book was definitely the best of them all. Bookshops & Bonedust by Travis Baldree. The prequel to Legends & Lattes, which I adored last year, and I think I liked this one even better.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

thoughts on Peggy Orenstein? she seems. hm. I don't like her vibe, seems very shame-y, but IDK

god I love how this just came right the fuck out of nowhere. the only Orenstein books I've read are Girls & Sex and Boys & Sex, in which I think Orenstein conducts really interesting interviews and gathers data and anecdotes that I will freely admit I like to sprinkle into some of my own workshops. I think she does have a bit of a tendency to editorialize a little overmuch and skew towards catastrophizing, particularly in Girls & Sex, but that doesn't make her work unimportant. the last chapter of Boys & Sex in particular, regarding the restorative justice that took place between a young woman and the man who sexually assaulted her in college, is one of the most moving things I've ever read. she's an imperfect feminist writer but if you can show me a perfect one I'll eat my left arm.

[daydreamerdrew]

Books finished in June:

Fiction:

Six Characters in Search of an Author by Luigi Pirandello, translated by Eric Bentley, first written in 1921 (play script; 110 pages)

Non-Fiction:

Abolish the Family: A Manifesto for Care and Liberation by Sophie Lewis, published in 2022 (88 pages)

Scarlet Women: The Scandalous Lives of Courtesans, Concubines, and Royal Mistresses by Ian Graham, published in 2016 (234 pages)

Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity by Peggy Orenstein, published in 2020 (237 pages)

The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure edited by Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley, and Mireille Miller-Young, published in 2013 (320 pages)

[sheepydraws]

SheepyReads April Round-up!

Sci-fi/Fantasy

Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb: This book is brutal in the best way. It is from the old-school brand of fantasy that starts with "I was born, and then it got worse." The main character is the bastard son of a prince, and he becomes an assassin both to serve his grandfather, but also to protect himself by becoming indispensable. There is a trend right now for sexy assassins in fantasy. I won't pretend I don't understand it, but it was so important to me that in this book every one of the main character's actions has weight. He isn't traipsing around playing cloak and dagger for the fun of it, he is trying to survive and find a place in the world. Every death in this book was important and emotional, and despite my general distaste for dark fantasy I am already reading the second book and have plans for the third. Recommended (unless you really can't stand animal death. I meant it when I said this is brutal.)

Rouge Protocol by Martha Wells: This is the third book in the Murderbot series. I was glad to see the return of the very tensely plotted sci-fi action we got in the first book, mixed with Murderbot's evolving feelings about itself and its relationship to humans. I read this in one sitting and am excited to see where Murderbot goes next. Recommended

Non-Fiction

Don't Call Me Princess by Peggy Orenstein: I picked this up because I've read almost all of her other books, so I figured I might as well. That was a bad call, because most of the essays here would go on to be expanded into her books, so there was little new ground here for me. Not Recommended (read Cinderella Ate My Daughter or Boys and Sex, instead.)

Unmask Alice by Rick Emerson: This book sets out to explain who actually wrote Go Ask Alice, how it became a smash hit, and why no one ever really bothered to fact-check it. The writing is incredibly immersive, and the story interesting, if deeply depressing. There actually isn't much mystery as to who the real author is, and more of the book is about the events which led to Jay's Journal (the "sequel" to Alice which was also portrayed as nonfiction) and how its popularity intersects with the rise of satanic panic. The book drags a bit when we are suddenly launched into "Jay's" biography, but it's worth it to understand how terribly Beatrice Sparks twisted real events for Jay's Journal. Recommended

Graphic Novels

Be Gay, Do Comics by The Nib: A very fun, eclectic collection of comics about the queer experience. The diversity of styles and opinions is very refreshing. Recommended

Scum Villain's Self Saving System-I finished reading this series in May, so stay tuned for the review on that!

[fishminer]

Books Read: 2022

Network Effect: Martha Wells

Fugitive Telemetry: Martha Wells

Lore Olympus: Rachel Smythe

Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Peggy Orenstein

The Color of Magic: Terry Pratchett

The Light Fantastic: Terry Pratchett

Equal Rites: Terry Pratchett

The Inheritance of Orquedia Divinia: Zoraida Cordova

The Name of the Rose: Umberto Eco, translation by William Weaver

Dune: Frank Herbert

Mo Dao Zu Shi (pt 1 and 2): Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

Scumbag Villain’s Self Saving System: Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

Things Fall Apart: Chinua Achebe

The Will To Change: Bell Hooks

Bullet Train: Kotaro Isaka