#pas post

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donated the money from the first batch of my $10 YCH!

to @/amigosdelapatagonia on instagram, an environmentalist organization that's currently helping families whose houses were destroyed by the fires, giving them materials and tools to rebuild!

slots are still open, get info here!

[ahotknife]

this blog is now officially on semi-hiatus! but there is a queue.

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we did karaoke again with my friends last night and usually I get kinda tongue-tied with fast songs, but I decided to do Wolf by AlicebanD and I just. locked the fuck in. it was still a workout but I didn't miss a beat. I didn't even realize I knew the lyrics that well, I felt possessed.

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trying to draw an arm and i couldn't quite figure out how to look for the very specific pose i had in mind and then realized i got it from the nbc hannibal finale

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i just found out what a roman candle actually is. all this time i thought it meant like. a church candle. like roman catholic candle I don't fucking know.

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[said with the same cadence Dale Cooper uses when speaking into his cassette tapes] It is 3:54 am on the 7th of February, Friday, and I think I have finally cracked the case of what I actually want the Incident™ from Yan's early childhood to be. It doesn't require me to completely discard the setting and ideas I was playing with until now, and it will plant the seed for the themes to reverberate throughout his life like a dull echo, informing his every choice.

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me n the bf finished Twin Peaks The Return and i had to shower immediately after cause it got late which led to 20 minutes of just

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i have this open as a reference zoomed in (big image warning) and whenever i close another tab firefox switches to it and makes me laugh every time

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wait i just had an idea. the howmanycigarettes thing but for my ocs flashbacks.

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im so tired

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ohhh my god i just realized i can project all my struggles with paranoia onto Ian. i've unlocked a new level of character analysis.

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this is such a non issue that I got bothered by someone complaining about it but, the line between horror and comedy is well understood to be very thin. laughing at a horror movie is completely normal and it's been a common reaction to horror since the beginning of time, whether as a way to release stress or because the particular brand of horror doesn't hit you and you find it a bit ridiculous. unless someone is doing something that's actively bothering the rest of the audience or is against cinema etiquette, you have no say in how strangers react to a movie. someone quietly giggling at a really intense scene of a horror movie doesn't mean they're too stupid to understand it.

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I've trained myself to be more positive and I try not to say stuff like this anymore cause years later I look back and think "oh, that year wasn't SO bad, at least I had x"

and sure I did some cool stuff on 2024 but. man. it felt bad— and not just cause our shithead president was gutting social programs and the national climate generally feeling grimmer. my mental health was the lowest it's been since before 2020 due to personal reasons that I might never be able to relate to another human being. I'm still grappling with some of the shit that happened in April and it all still feels so monumental and so stupid. luckily my bf got a job in October which lessened the economic stress but we still burned through a lot of our savings until then. I ignored a lot of health stuff due to pure stubbornness and procrastination. I abandoned most of my projects. I let a lot of friendships stagnate and I don't know how to reconnect. the new people I met don't feel as close, I struggled a lot to let others in and make meaningful connections. I was cowardly and paranoid. on more days than I'd like to admit, the resentful, bitter part of myself I thought I'd buried crawled out to take center stage. I've felt so alone and so lost.

and honestly? none of this stuff is resolved. we also have to renew our apartment contract or move out this year which is gonna be stressful as shit. but I'm choosing to use this arbitrary date we humans celebrate and put a stop at the trainwreck of a sentence that was 2024. idk what the future brings but I'll try my best to meet it with my head high despite everything. maybe not a happy new year but a new year all the same. and that's gotta be enough.

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had a kinda stressful but ultimately fun adventure with my bf and my brother's gf with their house's pool. when I'm less tired I might write it down so it's archived in my silly little blog forever.

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advertisement bot liked all my Hannibal livetweets archive and I'm so upset. I thought someone had actually enjoyed those :(