#partly because anxiety
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nvm ignore that last ask u already did them
LOL no worries ! the og posts were deleted so i understand the confusion haha
#i deleted them mostly bc of notifs#partly because anxiety#yknow how it is#‹ 📻 › .. Your Host ;; Kuber#‹ 📞 › .. Caller ;; wolfsbane and buttercups
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This was going to be a panel of a little comic but I got too invested in drawing minute background details so, here.
#They are having an argument over 1) whether crops can be grown on the moons 2) what - if any - impact does this have on the feasibility#of an afterlife being located on the moons#Brakul is a partial convert to the Imperial Wardi faith but this mostly entails having adopted the seven faced God (and some#other elements of the belief system) into his worldview and participating in expected rites while retaining his central#ancestor veneration practices completely unchanged and mostly prioritized.#This doesn't actually cause much friction in of itself with the big exception being disagreements on the afterlife#Wardi practices surrounding death prioritize proper handling of the corpse and funerary rites in order to get the dead where they#need to be- death is a fraught transition from one state to another. analogous to birth. The role of the living is to get the dead through#this transition (preventing them from being stuck earthbound as earthbound ghosts - which is the Bad afterlife). Once the dead#make it to the moons that's it. They don't really interact with the living. There's plenty of conceptualization of what it's Like#in the lunar lands but the cultural priority is not even slightly on the Logistics of existence there.#Whereas the CORE of religious practice among the Hill Tribes is ancestor veneration - ancestors remain interactive with the living#and require/desire their continual support. They are conceptualized as having earthlike 'lives' where they eat and drink#and grow crops and herd livestock and they need the support of the living (in prayers and offerings) to do so prosperously.#There is a HIGH cultural priority on the logistics of their afterlife and it's self-apparent that the world of the dead needs fertile earth#to support them.#So like bottom line Brakul thinks there's no goddamn way that the moons could support an afterlife (they are described as#barren rock that was flung into the sky during creation and certainly Look that way)#and that the Wardi are just wrong about their afterlife's location. They probably go to the celestial fields (which are located#behind the moons and stars) like everyone else#And Janeys finds this aggravating and doesn't see his fucking point but has developed a nagging concern that Brakul Could be#partly right in that the celestial fields could Maybe exist in addition to the lunar lands.#So like maybe they aren't going to go to the same place when they die?#He's already terrified that he'll be stuck as an earthbound ghost and really doesn't want to be even further separated so#he figures he should make sure he gets himself dead and cremated at the same time as Brakul so they can navigate the#transitional period together.#Brakul is unconcerned because he figures that if Janeys actually does get stuck on those barren ass moons he can just kinda#Go Get Him#Ancestor spirits fly to the earth all the time and the moons would be a much shorter distance. Probably wouldn't be an issue.#Long story short these disagreements and underlying anxieties result in fights over whether you can grow corn on the moons or nah
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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I'm three episodes in and I scrambled to doodle her as soon as I could . Liko's character doesn't just cater to me . she IS me. straight up
#fluff binges !!!#Liko my beloved we are One and The Same#as someone who never bothered to touch the mainline pokeani partly because of its intimidating length and partly bc of how I mostly didnt-#-click with Ash as a protag (he's a real sweetie don't get me wrong but it just never resonated ya knoww)---#there's just something hilariously poetic in how Horizons went “fine. here is a bundle of Anxiety and Overthinking.”#and I INSTANTLY clicked with her#like that's so funny to me in a way SDJFHSJDFNS#not that I'm complaining- watching this series is fun :D#anyways I love her and I will protect her with every fiber of my being we are A Shared Braincell now#pokemon horizons#pokemon liko#liko#trainer liko#fluff draws !!!#doodle
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really goin through it right now folks. please wish me luck through the remainder of this week
#work#anxiety#depression#agoraphobia?#neurodivergent#im supposed to be an adult#i dont want to bring my shit to younger people#but i also have no irl froends#(partly because I brought TOO MUCH shit to my old ones#so.#here we are#emailed my therapist#yolo#swag#):
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The anxiety is absolutely unreal at the moment
#lbd speaks#i'll be fine eventually#right now though i feel like I'm about to fail a quest/quick time event in a video game#and it is not fun#and it is annoyingly preventing me from doing things that would probably help with the source of said anxiety#partly because I'm also burnt out#and anxiety+burnout is just the worst combo#it will all be fine though#eventually.
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Something I’ve found immensely helpful with feeding “picky” kids is offering foods they might not like or be leery of alongside foods they feel comfortable with and enjoy.
For example, breakfast for the kids this morning was dinosaur egg oatmeal, strawberries, cheesy scrambled eggs, a Babybel cheese (look, they are certified vegetarian and that’s good enough for me, okay?) and a serving of grits. One kid had sliced cucumber and the other had cherry tomatoes.
Portion size is important—too much food is overwhelming.
They weren’t sure about the grits, but they were willing to try, and knowing that if they don’t like anything, they can politely place that bite on a napkin and throw it away instead of swallowing makes a big difference. They’re way more willing to try new things—and more comfortable swallowing a bite they don’t like when it’s a choice instead of an obligation.
Another big point is they’re never shamed here for not finishing their plates or eating “too much” of the wrong part. They know that I prioritize their belly feeling full over food waste, and that I’m always comfortable either finishing off their food (lol) or reheating the leftovers later.
They both ate all the oatmeal and really enjoyed it. Last time they tried oatmeal, the texture was too off-putting for them. They both tried the eggs (one liked it, the other didn’t) and both tried and then passed on the grits. All the veggies and fruit were eaten.
And it was a fun, stress-free breakfast.
#they don’t really try new foods at their dad’s house#and I think it’s partly anxiety about being forced to finish it so they’re not wasting#because here they’re excellent tryers#even my baby boy who had some serious sensory issues#parenting
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i straight up just got kidnapped in arthurs route. slay ig.
#auburn talks ikevamp <3#mc can be SO thoughtless sometimes.#like girl can you THINK.....about the SKETCHY LETTER YOU GOT#like ok it's partly because of sebastian because he thought it was a prank but can ONE OF YOU HAVE ANXIETY PLEASE
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because my old phone was garbage i had to get a new one. and forgot to log back into my uni emails. and i didn't enroll in classes for a full year. so guess who has been unenrolled from uni :) i'm going to throw up
#throw up because thinking about uni has been making my anxiety peak and nearly given me a panic attack a few times#but it's okay because i can very easily re-enroll i'm just. very anxious#luckily though i can put on my re-enrollment that my large break was partly to do with my mental health#char chatter ~✧
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I got a new kudos for Good Child and I just had to chuckle nervous and stare into the distance because wtf Noo-Noo *Of course I have never forgot about it, I generate words to see if my brain will be like alright I have an idea what to write for one of our fics because I need more than one project to keep my attention*
I know you miss having sex with your girlfriend but 13 Tinky Winky is not a replacement. Like ew. Gag. It was already ew gross yuck but then my lore changed and now its got more ew yuck icky gross.
Unlike Filth I have no idea where Good Child is going after Chapter 2. Will it only be a two shot? I'll only know when I eventually write it. Dw I have no ideas yet so we're all spared for now.
#slendytubbies dead dove#I don't even think I feel comfortable posting Good Child on this blog due to how ew gross the subject is#I'm only making this post because of the blog hitting a milestone#'Why are you writing this if you're that grossed out?' its like experimenting in a way#Things like 'what if I did this?'#I have morbid curiosity and I'm interested in writing dark content#I'm just also going to be as uncomfortable as the person reading it so don't worry we are both uncomfortable#And this sort of stuff helps distract me from anxiety and just distract from the stresses of life#Fluff doesn't help because my brain is still partly focused on what is making me upset#and tbh dead dove interest follows me into every fandom I step into#*checks to make sure I'm posting to the correct blog*
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tmi
#a friend is coming back from a solo kayaking trip in patagonia today and i feel like such a shitty person for this but i just.#really dont feel like im in the mental space to hear about it.#and partly its because where im at mentally and personally right now just makes it hard for me to be happy for others#or at least for it to not open up doors that bog me down badly and thats on Me like thats totally my own shit#and even if i know hearing about their trip will be hard its an asshole move to approach them with#‘im not in the mental space to hear you share something you’re really excited about with me’#on the other hand.#i know the real reason its gonna suck so bad is that with This particular friend this trip just gonna be another thing they did first.#and in a perfect world it shouldn’t matter who the fuck did the thing first but in this relationship and in this dynamic it always has#and so i Know that yeah im mentally in a place where taking in other people’s good news is hard#but also im just dreading having to hear every detail of how this trip is something i will never measure up to#every detail of things i would have to do bigger and better for it to matter and like. idk i fucking hate thinking about this#because it always makes me feel so small and bitter and they’re such ugly feelings#but also i know this dynamic isn’t like this because of me but i also know nothing i’ve ever done to try to change it has worked#and it’s like. i just have so much anxiety around this conversation that hasn’t even happened yet#and it’s because i know it’s gonna open up all this shit with it#m
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I feel so lucky
#even though i often rant to complain here#i never imagined my life to be this good as it is now 🥹#i have almost everything i ever wished for#i sometimes switch between this and feeling alone like no one gets me 😅#like sometimes i feel like i should be so grateful but also that doesn't mean everything is awesome#often i feel like no one sees my struggles from the people i'm close to#because everyone always thinks things are easy for me like when it comes to university or because i appear so happy#it feels lonely sometimes but anyways#like they don't know the expectations people especially my family have for me even tho they don't say it normally sometimes it comes through#anyways i do have a lot to be grateful#i never had such a good relationship with my parents 🥺 it's not perfect but it feels so much more normal like it should be#and i have so many friends and people i get on at uni and my sports it's amazing 🥹#i never thought that would be me it's like a dream :))) i struggled so much with anxiety#i was so scared to even speak to someone a few years ago 😅#it makes the experience so pleasant i also enjoy uni <3#(altough i still think of adding something to my major to give me more options but also i think i would like it)#my grades are good no worries of failing classes anymore atm (altough i will still worry 😂)#i even get great grades with minimal effort (though this one is only partly good as it encourages laziness haha)#and i found something i'm passionate about again i love tennis sm 🫶#when i play i'm so happy and it gives me drive to become rly good at it even though it's not like i wanna become pro or sth. haha#it would be too late for that anyway lol tho ofc it'd be great but i just enjoy the challenge and seeing progress it's so rewarding 😁#and tennis with friends >>#i also like football :) and it feels like the void ski jumping left behind is finally getting filled :')#like when gregor retired i kind of lost my love for the sport and yeah it's sad but i'm glad i have sth again 🥹#also the freedom i have i could never have imagined#i could just go on a little trip with friends if i wanted to and i talked about this with a friend and i got so excited abt it 🥺😍😍#to have the possibility to just travel when i want to :))#i earned some money from (mostly summer) jobs these last years and it's great#and i can just get myself whatever i want mostly (i don't want crazy things)#and my family is much better off i guess that doesn't hurt either
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#tag talk#an hour into space odyssey and it finally gets good cause they introduce Hal#ten minutes after the person I was watching with gave up and went to bed.#Kubrick please this first hour was fucking boring as hell#I heard so much about how the cut between the apes to modern times is so good but genuinely I paused it and rewound five times while laughin#like... this? this is the scene transition I've heard people fan over?#anyway. I muted the movie audio and put Nyan cat and ancient aliens and stayin alive over different scenes and it was great#gonna hang on to the rest of the movie because Hal just murdered someone so maybe it's good enough to watch with someone#ngl this is why I sometimes prefer watching movies alone. I can watch a bad movie with no fear of what my companion thinks#I don't have to hold room for “oh no what if they're not enjoying it? what if they wish we were watching something else”#it always comes down to that damn social anxiety doesn't it#like. I'm not interested in watching cats 2019 really. though I've gotten part way through it with various people#but I genuinely think I could watch the whole thing if I were alone. I don't care enough to. but I think I could#because watching the cats movie with someone sparks that secondhand embarrassment and cringe#anyway go watch that contrapoints video on cringe and shame and social behavior policing it's pretty good#all this to say. 2001 a space odyssey is very very boring#like. it's slow but not in the way Jaws is slow. that one actually succeeds with the anticipation and suspense. space odyssey doesn't#maybe it's partly because I've read the book? (Arthur C Clarke sci-fi is mid that's my hot take) but I don't feel like that's it#there's just no suspense where there obviously is supposed to be. the grand symphonic music in the background feels paper thin veneer#it's a grandiose front to a hollow scene.#also the flight stewardesses supposed to be walking in zero g with velcro shoes are doing such a bad job of it.#literally the first scene we see the shoes they zoom in and we explicitly see her rebalance catch her weight#CATCH HER WEIGHT - IN ZERO GRAVITY?????#anyway. I'm mad about that
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it's two in the morning, I am still awake, and Summer Strike is a very lovely drama, indeed
#is this a bad way of Coping with anxiety stress and general quiet despair? you bet#but when i wake up tomorrow i have to help cook for the 5+ guests coming over to our house#none of which i particularly want to see partly because one of them makes me intensely uncomfortable#but such is life and also it's my parents' house so they can invite whoever they want#i just wish i wasn't roped into it too
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the way that meres is the only person at callans work (other than perhaps liz) who actually compliments his model soldiers, but callan is so used to people making fun of him that he thinks meres is also making fun of him... :(
#its the way that even when meres detested callan he still respected him#unlike cross#like obvs there is the disrespect he shows callan when callan is hunter and meres has just come back but i think thats partly#1) meres' classism; 2) his worry that callan hates him so he starts on the offensive so callan cant attack him first#and 3) the change in the dynamic that they had - they become friends quickly after callan is no longer hunter#and i think meres feels bad about how callan's time as hunter went#they are so messy and maybe a lil toxic but its so good because there is genuine respect there#also meres is kind of making fun of callans model soldiers at the beginning but not in the same nasty way that hunter and cross do#anyway im rambling and need to get back to work#but im in a state of anxiety about an email i sent so am waiting for a response#and distracting myself by thinking of callan and meres always calms me down
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[ does anyone know if that glitch that deleted Everything if you delete a sideblog is still around? I'm beginning to think it's time to rip off the bandaid so to speak and clear out what I'd like to save off Jon and Edwin's old solo blogs and the original multi before nuking them. ]
#They Pull the Strings : OOC#[ partly because hhhhhhhh unspecified anxiety ]#[ and partly because bpts won't stop following Edwin for some reason??? ]
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