#part of growing up imo is you have to make peace with watching/reading the news i know it's often boring and depressing but it's important

[awsteb]

thinking about the poll a little while ago asking if people knew about the floods in spain and it was like 75% no and it put into perspective for me just how out of touch this entire website really is

[totally-not-niyah]

Arranged Marriage - Part Two

(felt like the gif was really fitting for the ending scene of this) - Pairing: Loki x Reader Notes: Here it is! The significantly better, longer, second part of my arranged marriage story :) this one capped at 4k+ words and it's lowk one of my best works to date imo <3

=

Never in your life did you ever think you’d be excited at the prospect of marriage, especially one you never chose to have in the first place. 

But now, here you were, waiting in the gardens for your betrothed, the second son of the king of Asgard, Loki Odinson. 

In the couple of weeks you had known Loki, you felt yourself growing more and more attached to his person. There was always this lightness in your body whenever the two of you were together, like he was lifting your heart, even with just his smile. 

Everything about him was amazing. His kindness, the way he carried himself, the occasional mischievous glint in his eye whenever he’d get ready to do something silly and send you both into laughing fits afterwards. Just his overall company made you happy. 

You couldn’t help but notice a tight feeling in your chest whenever you were with him, like a feeling being caged inside, yet trying to make its way into the light. It reminded you of the stories your mother used to tell you about her and your father before he passed, how it was a sign that she was in love with him. 

But it was too early to be in love with Loki, wasn’t it? 

“There you are.” 

You pushed the thought aside as you heard that familiar voice, turning around to see the same man you were just pondering over. 

“I was wondering if you’d ever show up,” you said with a teasing smile. “Apologies, darling,” he said with a small laugh. “I lost track of time in the library.”

“I thought you said you’ve read every book in there?” 

“Oh, I have! But you haven’t.” After he says those words, you watch as he pulls out a couple different books from behind his back and presents them to him. “I…figured maybe I could read my favorites to you.” 

You tilted your head to the side, your lips curling upwards even further as you felt your heart fluttering. 

“Really? That sounds fun.” 

Loki seemed to share the same excited manner as you did, eagerly taking the seat beside you on the bench when you patted it. 

He let you pick the first choice, to which you chose one with a dull blue cover, the two of you sitting together peacefully as the sun gleamed down on your bodies. 

Loki’s voice was gentle yet accentuated as he read to you, and you conclude in your head that you could fall asleep every night just by listening to the soothing sound of his voice. 

Norns, you really were bad for this man, weren’t you? 

Unfortunately, your peaceful little bubble was broken when a guard came rushing forward, bowing his head as he approached your view. 

“My lady, I’m very sorry, but your mother has urgently requested your presence.”

You sighed inwardly at the news, feeling your muscles tense in preparation for the encounter you knew was coming. If she was urgently searching for you, it couldn’t have been anything good. 

“Of course,” you sighed, standing up from the bench and giving Loki an apologetic look. “Will you wait for me?” “Or, better yet, I could accompany you.” 

You let out a sigh of relief, grabbing his hand. “Oh, you’re a lifesaver, let’s go.” 

=

“Mother?” you called, pushing open the large golden doors. “You’re looking for me?” 

“(Y/n), there you are,” she said. “I know this is very last minute, but we must travel back home, we have some things to discuss with the royal advisory before we finish planning your wedding.” 

The words made your shoulders slump in disappointment. “But do I have to go? You handle all of the advisory meetings by yourself, anyways.”

“Yes, but dear, those things were never about your wedding,” she stresses, giving you a look that told you there is no way to get out of this. “The sooner we leave, the sooner we come back, yes?” 

You give her a reluctant nod. “Right.” You then turn to look at Loki. “I'm sorry…for cutting our day together short.” 

“There's no need to worry,” he said with an understanding smile, taking one of your hands in his. “Here.” 

His free hand lifted up slightly, and a green light began to emit from his palm until it materialized the book he was reading to you earlier. 

“You can write to me while you're away. Tell me what you think when you've finished.” 

You felt your face getting warmer, but you hoped at least it wasn't showing. 

“I will,” you told him, nodding your head in confirmation. The two of you just stood like that in silence for a while, like both of you wanted to do something, but at the same time, wanted to see if the other would jump at it instead. The staring went on for so long that your mother had to clear her throat to break up the eye contact. 

“Right,” you murmured, blinking and looking away. “I'll see you again soon?”

“Very soon, darling,” he promised. 

And so you traveled back home with your mother, anticipating the moment you would see your betrothed again. 

Being in your home realm took longer than you thought. 

You never realized how much planning actually goes into a wedding, not to mention that because both families involved in the marriage party are of importance, and for the future alliance of kingdoms, for some reason, everything had to be incredibly extravagant. 

By the end of every night, you were wiped out. Even so, you made an effort to read at least half of a chapter of Loki’s book every single night, and write notes about different parts of it to share with him in a letter. 

The letter writing exchange helps you feel closer to Loki without actually being close. Although it takes time for the both of you to receive, read, write, and send back another letter in reply, it was nice to still get to talk to him despite the distance. 

You talked about nearly everything occurring in your life and realm. Like how a noble had invented something called “Pigeon Gossip” where one person writes in a scroll about the latest drama, mass produces it, and sends it on dozens of pigeons for all to know. That was his favorite one, and you promised him that you’d try to get Pigeon Gossip more known in Asgard.

Eventually, though, as the writing progressed, you'd found out through one of his letters that Loki had been struggling mentally. You worried, of course, and would always try to send him a positive message back, especially since you couldn't be there to help. He never mentioned what exactly it was that he was struggling with, and you never tried to push for answers, just tried to help him through it. 

And then he was better, which you were thrilled to hear. The letters continued on as normal, and the two of you continued your usual conversations. 

But then they stopped.

When your letter went unanswered for more than a week it gave you concerns, and when it went on to a month you decided to write again.

And again.

And again.

You couldn't figure out an answer as to why the letters stopped so abruptly. And, to add to your 'luck,’ you still weren't able to leave your home realm to investigate. Even still, you wanted to know that he was okay. 

So you wrote one last letter. 

And to your delight, it was answered, but it was short lived.

Reading over the words, your mind went blank and you could feel your heart shatter. Tears came to your eyes as you reread it twice.

Three times.

Four.

And every time, it was the same writing. 

The letter came, not from Loki, but from his parents, the king and queen of Asgard, to inform you that Loki had passed weeks ago. They expressed their sadness and condolences to you, and unsurprisingly, a tear or two fell onto the paper as your eyes skimmed over the words for a final time.

As you felt the burn of repressed sobs in your throat, you finally let it go. Hot tears came streaming down your face as realization fully hit you, and you moved the parchment away from you to keep it out of the line of fire - or rather, water.

Too wrapped up in the sudden news, you failed to hear your mother enter your room until her voice was more audible. 

“(Y/n), we've been looking for you, we need to discuss-” 

She cuts her statement short when she notices your tear stained face, and the way your eyes are blank, as if you're trying to inwardly suppress something, but the evidence is still clear as day. 

Her tone of voice is gentle as she walks towards you, kneeling down beside you. 

“Sweetheart, what's wrong?” she asks. 

For the first time since she's been inside the room, you finally look her in the eyes. 

Your voice was strained as you spoke and more tears escaped your eyes. Clearing your throat, which did next to nothing, you choked out, “He’s gone.”

There was a long air of silence between the two of you, like she was looking for the words to say. Eventually, she just puts a gentle hand on your back and sighs, “I’m sorry, sweetie.”

You let out more shaky breaths then furrowed your brows at her, “You…You already knew, didn’t you?”

Her silence answered for her. 

You got up angrily, sliding the wooden chair across the floor with a harsh noise, “I cannot believe you right now.”

“Y/N I can explain-”

“NO. YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS WEEKS AGO. BUT YOU DIDN’T.”

She walked up to you cautiously with her hands raised in front of her, “I didn’t know you just now got the news, Y/N, I promise you. I hadn’t said anything about it because I wanted to give you time to grieve.”

Scoffing, you turned back to her, “You thought I was sending letters to a ghost as a coping mechanism or something? Who thinks that?”

“Listen, some people find different ways to grieve over someone they cared about,” she reasons. “I just…you seemed like everything was normal, I thought maybe you were just trying to forget about it or something. It should've been obvious that you didn't know, and I'm sorry, but… there's not much else for me to say.” 

There was too much overwhelming information going on for you to fully process at one time, so your mother, after another soft spoken apology, left you with your thoughts and feelings. 

Unfortunately, it didn't last long. 

With about maybe 3 days to cope, your mother came with some news that you were less than happy to hear. 

As your door creaked open you pushed down your quilt to see who came in, rolling your eyes at who you saw. “Have you come with more news that’s a month late? You’re slower than most Pigeon Gossip.”

As she stayed silent, you sat up, your hair an unruly mess but you couldn’t care less, “What is it now?”

She cleared her throat and slowly looked at you, “I’m afraid that, even though Loki is gone, the treaty between our realm and Asgard must go on.”

Your eyes widened as you realized what she meant and you rapidly shook your head negatively. “No, no. You are not having me marry Thor!”

“There is no other way, young lady! You will marry the prince of Asgard and that is that!” She yelled, stomping out of your room and closing the door with a loud slam.

You felt like your life was slowly falling apart as the hours went by. 

You thought nothing bad of Thor, truly, he was as kind as they come, but he wasn't the one you wanted to marry. And although you tried explaining that to your mother at a later time, she ignored your pleas for the simple excuse that your realm needed this alliance, and that it was your duty to see it through. 

It felt like when you first found out the news of an arranged marriage all over again. 

Even worse, when the two of you returned to Asgard, you and the eldest son of Odin– per your mother's request– found yourselves on a date to “get better acquainted with one another.” 

You were less than thrilled. 

The afternoon spent together was filled with awkward silence and weird glances, and when one of you decided to occasionally bite the bullet and ask a question, it was short worded replies before the silence continued. 

Eventually, though, Thor brought up the cause of the barrier of silence in the first place. 

“...I wanted to express my condolences on behalf of my brother,” he said. “I could tell you care for him, despite the circumstances and the…short amount of time you spent together.” 

You didn't verbally reply, instead offering him a faint nod of appreciation. The whole situation hurt, but even still, there was one question lingering in the back of your mind. 

“...How did he die?” 

Thor's gaze casts downwards at the memories of the events leading up to the death of his late brother. 

“There were a few secrets…family issues that caused a rift between our family,” he began to explain. “Loki took it hard. He struggled with the discoveries. And then our home was invaded by frost giants. We tried to fight them off, but Loki wasn't entirely focused, and…” 

He didn't want to say the rest, knowing it was self explanatory regardless. You didn't have a good reply to offer, so you just remained silent, allowing that information to sink in. 

It's only more uncomfortable after that. 

Conversations form between the two of you every now and then, but it's nothing more than the basic, bland topics. Even so, only two or three sentences between each of you pass before that thick silence takes its place again. 

You didn't want to seem rude, but you weren't up for this. You were still emotionally coping, not to mention the overwhelming prospect of being forced to marry the brother of your late betrothed. 

 Eventually, the two of you stop to sit in the middle of the flower field, just taking in the atmosphere. It relaxes you a little, seeing as your shoulders are no longer as tight and drawn in. 

After a while of quiet, Thor pipes up. 

“My lady, I think you and I can both agree that this arrangement is rather…” 

“Disappointing? Absurd? Soon?” You listed off multiple possibilities to complete his sentence. 

“Something along those lines, yes,” he chuckles a little, which lightens the mood. “I declined, out of respect for both you and my brother, but… our kingdoms must unite.” 

“So you mean there's nothing we can do?” You didn’t even need him to answer that, not with the way his face effortlessly did so on its own. 

Shoulders slumping, defeat slowly washes over you in agonizing waves. You felt just like you had when this arrangement was first conceived — once again unwilling, and yet, without choice.

Despite knowing the odds were not in your favor, you fought hard, in any way you could. You attempted to convince them to delay the wedding for a while longer, but the All-Father and his queen could tell there was more to your continuous requests, and that, below the surface, you truly had no desire to be wed to their eldest son. 

In light of this, Odin summons both you and your mother to the throne room one afternoon. The date of this marriage was inching closer with every passing moment, which meant that the outcome of this meeting would determine your permanent fate. 

When you heard the king tell you that you had the power to call off the wedding if you so desired (considering the circumstances), you were absolutely thrilled. 

But, as it turns out, you were the only one who was. 

Your mother was downright hysterical at the idea of ending the whole arrangement when the date was so close in timing. Before you could even get the words out of your mouth to reply, she cuts in and does it for you. 

“No! The arrangement shall go on, like it was meant to. She’ll do it.” 

Face falling at her declaration, your feet are quick to assume their place beside her. 

“What? But, Mother, no…-” 

“She’ll do it,” her voice is firm, like she’s establishing that you have no say in the matter, leaving you powerless to her once more. “Because she knows how important this is. How beneficial this will be for all of us once the wedding is seen through.” 

As if to add salt to the wound, she turns her head, expectant gaze boring holes into you. 

“Isn’t that right, dear?”

Eyes trained on the floorboards below, you sigh, biting your tongue to avoid saying anything more that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. 

“...I’ll do it.” 

The royals seated on their thrones take a look at both you and your mother, as if they’re hesitant to make a decision, but soon enough, the All-Father speaks.

“Very well. The arrangement will be seen through, and the wedding will go on.” 

And there it was. Your one chance. 

Now it’s gone.

=

The day of the wedding soon arrived, faster than you would’ve liked. 

You had the commotion of the guests of both your home and of Asgard, the chatter amongst each other surrounding the occasion they were attending. 

You sat in one of the rooms close to the ballroom, being fussed over by the female servants as they went around, fixing your dress, adding flowers to your hair, and overall ensuring you looked your best for what was to be the most important day of your life. 

Maybe it would’ve had more meaning if Loki was still here. 

After what felt like forever, the ladies were finally done, and your mother entered the room, stopping to look at you. 

“Look at you!” she says, her voice overly cheery, which you hate to admit sent a hint of irritation through you. “You look absolutely gorgeous, sweetheart.”

“Thank you, Mother,” you replied politely, offering her a tight lipped smile. She comes to stand beside you, looking through the tall mirror you stood in front of. 

“I know this isn’t very…conventional for you, my dear. But…don’t disappoint me.” 

As if there wasn’t enough pressure on you now as it is. It wasn’t about just disappointing her, either. You knew that if you did anything now to cancel this marriage, you’d be looked down on by both your mother and the people of your kingdom. Perhaps even the people of Asgard. 

“Of course not.” The words tasted bitter in your mouth, even more so as you gave yourself a critical glance in the mirror. 

Satisfied with your answer, your mother guides the servants out the door with her, giving you a few moments to yourself before the ceremony begins. 

Looking out the large window, you felt that ache in your chest again. It was just like the one you felt before you left Asgard, left Loki. 

But this time, there was something more to it. Something like…longing? 

You longed for him to return to you. You wished it to every bright star in the night sky as you counted down the days before this had to happen. 

And still, your desires were unmet, leaving you with a hole in your heart. 

That’s when you knew you loved Loki. And your only regret about it was that you couldn’t come to terms with that feeling until after he died. 

A knock on the door pulls you from your storm of thoughts, and you quickly wipe away the tears that strayed down your cheeks before calling the person it. 

It was one of the other servants, alerting you that it was finally time. You followed her out of the room and into the hall, where you had to stand until your name was announced. 

Once you actually started coming down the aisle, it felt like you were being held together by a thin cord. Your legs wobbled with every step, although going unnoticed to the guests thanks to the lower layers of your dress. 

But this place, this room in particular, it reminded you of meeting Loki, dancing with him on the night of your betrothal, the soft smiles and lingering looks the two of you shared—everything was overwhelming your senses all at once, leaving your stomach feeling queasy. 

Finally meeting Thor and standing beside him, you both offered each other smiles; yours was forced, while his was meant to offer you some form of comfort. 

Your head was barely there as you listened to the All-Father’s speech, eyes darting around subtly, glancing at all the people behind you who were watching intently. 

And…maybe your mind was playing tricks on you, but you were almost certain you saw a shimmer of green just outside the window. 

Heart skipping a beat, you let your eyes linger on the view outside for a moment longer, but the longer you watched, the more you told yourself to snap out of it, that nothing was ever there in the first place. 

You force yourself to focus in just in time, because now the king is addressing you.

“And do you, Lady (Y/n), take Thor Odinson of Asgard, to be your lawfully wedded husband?” 

You freeze up, mouth open as if to say something, but the words seem to fail to materialize in your brain so that they can come out. 

“Um, I…” 

Just as you get ready to force out your answer, the large golden doors to the ballroom open up with a heavy thud, along with a pair of footsteps rushing to meet the altar. 

“Wait!!” 

Your stomach both flips and drops at the familiar voice, and as he gets closer, you see his face for what felt like the first time in forever. 

He’s alive. Loki is alive. 

“Loki…?” You have to say his name out loud, to hear him respond, to make sure this isn’t all some cruel trick you’ve conceived for yourself to get through this dreadful event. Emerald green eyes meet yours, filled with both relief and happiness as he starts to smile. 

The guests gasp and murmur amongst themselves, but all either of you can focus on is each other. Loki continues hurrying over to get to you, and you grab the large skirts of your dress to meet him halfway, colliding with him in a rushed embrace. 

He picks you up, arms tight around your waist as he spins you in a circle.

You say his name again, your voice trembling as it comes out in a mixture of a laugh and a sob, your tear-glazed gaze looking over him while your hands hold his face in a delicate manner. His hands release your waist, setting you back down on your feet, letting his touch trail up to your upper arms. 

“You’re… you’re alive,” comes your quiet observation, watery smile forming on your lips. 

“I’m alive,” he responds, ducking down to rest his forehead against yours. “I’m here, darling.” 

“But how? They said-… You’re supposed to be-”

However, he’s a lot more interested in you than in answering your blossoming inquiries, which you soon realize when he gently cradles the back of your head, pulling you ever closer until he’s within range to kiss you, his soft lips aligning perfectly with yours. 

Every circuit in your body completely shorts out for a second, as you finally experienced what you’ve only dreamed of for the longest time. You start coming to, melting into the sensation of your lips brushing together, before you pull apart, and inevitably return for more, unable to untangle yourselves from the other. 

It takes the approach of footsteps behind you for the both of you to separate, turning around to face your lover’s family, who look just as surprised as you feel. 

“…Loki?” His brother is the first to say something. “How is this possible? I…I watched you die. You fell off into space.” 

The raven-haired man gives the blond a small smile, reaching a hand on to grip his brother’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. 

“Come on,” he drawls. “What did you expect?” 

You watch as Thor’s bewildered face shifts into one of amusement, letting out a hearty chuckle as he pats Loki on the back before they too embrace each other. 

Queen Frigga approaches her youngest son, taking his hands into her own and smiling warmly. 

“Welcome back,” she says. 

“Thank you, Mother.” 

“Well, then,” Thor begins, turning to you. “Sister, would you give me the honor of handing you off to my brother in marriage?” 

You blink a couple times, surprised by the sudden change of subject. “Wait, what? Now?” 

“Yes! There’s no better time than now!” 

“He’s right, my dear,” his mother agrees, nodding her head. “The ceremony has already started. So then, if you’re still willing to marry our son…”

Locking eyes with Loki again, he carries the same expression that you do. But soon, that look fades, forming into something much softer, a sparkle coming to life. It makes you smile, feeling like you’re on the same page with one another. 

You’d love nothing more than to marry him right now.

[applestorms]

BARBARA

might not go too in depth with this one since i'm a little outta practice writing essays but!! i wanted to get a few notes out of my reaction after watching the barbie movie so here we go ^w^ obvious spoiler warning under the cut, though if you want to just skip the section marked "ending," it probably isn't too bad.

STRENGTHS

1. early jokes

in my head i kind of split this film into two sections that intermingle often but are still pretty separate: the beginning half, which features more of the humor/references to the history of barbie, both in terms of the corporation and the experience of kids growing up with barbie dolls, and the ending half, which features more of the in-depth emotional reflection. while it does manage to delve fairly deep into some existential questions (enough that i think this is quite distinctly a barbie movie for adults), it stays pretty lighthearted overall which seems ideal for this kind of movie.

what i really like about many of the early jokes in this film (and its humor in general) is how they play off of the himbo/bimbo stereotypes of both ken & barbie in such a way that doesn't actually diminish the intelligence of any of the characters involved- specifically, most of the early jokes in the movie are based around the implication that (despite not actually being shown) kids are the ones playing with the dolls and moving all of the characters seen on set, meaning that the limitations on their intelligence are the limitations of the kids dreaming up their world (i.e. the continual references to a lack of genitalia, ken not knowing why he would want to sleep over, pouring an empty milk carton, etc).

what this means is that the movie is able to make a ton of stupid jokes referencing the absurdity of barbies and the dumb shit that inevitably comes up when you give kids access to toys while simultaneously allowing the characters (and in particular, margot barbie) the emotional intelligence necessary for the deeper reflection that shows up in the second half. it's really well done imo, and part of the reason why i think this film genuinely is appealing to fans and haters of barbie, lightly joking about the inherent weirdness and questionable history of the corporation while allowing room for genuine care & excitement on the part of people who care about it as a key part of their childhoods & experience growing up.

2. trauma of womanhood

alright, started off strong with this essay by explaining the joke. now let's talk about the trauma of growing up as a woman.

but forreal, the scene where barbie & ken are first rollerskating around in the real world and commenting on the reactions of other people to their (exactly copied) outfits hit me so much harder than i expected. while i mentioned earlier that this movie really does seem to have a little something for everyone watching, there still seems to be a target demographic of adult women that grew up with barbie & remember them fondly (i.e. gloria, the main mother) and for that group in particular i think this movie really has the ability to hit people hard.

what hits me so hard about that scene is just how real it is to the experience of that jarring transition. i'll write more about this in the section on mothers coming up next, but you can really read the movie as a reflection on the experience of growing up as a girl and hitting adulthood. the distinct stages that margot barbie goes through (mindless happiness -> existential crisis -> inner peace at the gynecologist) in part seem to reflect the experience of growing up as a cis woman (childhood -> sudden yanking into womanhood & being treated like an adult -> more peace with new social position).

in one of my classes on feminist philosophy this guy who i had been talking to a lot made a very significant comment that's stuck with me ever since. we were talking about trans feminism, and he (as a trans guy himself) mentioned how he always found it weird that people were so picky about the transition between genders when something like puberty and the bodily changes that come with that are so easily accepted as normal and barely even treated like a change. in particular, he mentioned something about how harsh & almost violent the transition from girlhood into womanhood can be, how you can be yanked into the role with all of its expectations so suddenly out of nowhere. it's a sentiment that i've heard echoed in similar comments from other trans individuals since, particularly from a few trans men about their own experiences where being a girl was fine, but being a woman was not.

this is honestly one of the areas where i think cis people and in particular cis feminism can really gain some meaningful reflection from the experiences of trans people, if i may say so as a cis woman myself. really, you don't have to be a man for the above sentiment about "being a girl is fine, being a woman isn't" to still kinda fuckin apply!! what resonates so strongly with me about the rollerblading scene is margot barbie's reaction to suddenly being sexualized, the (as she explicitly says) underlying violence of that experience, the discomfort and self-consciousness that comes from it and the distinct contrast of how ken really does not feel the same way. there's something that can really fuck you up about growing up as a girl hardly even aware about most of your body only to suddenly start growing tits and have everyone's treatment of you do a fucking 180.

i have a very vivid memory that reminds me of my own such experience when it comes to this, actually. when i was in high school we were required to take a foreign language for a few years to graduate, so i ended up taking a couple years of japanese to fulfill the requirement. it was one of my favorite classes overall since everyone taking it was pretty much guaranteed to be a nerd interested in anime and/or video games, and it was the one class where i consistently had friends and got close to the teacher. it was still a bit awkward on my part, however, because of one thing- the class was almost entirely made up of dudes, with the 3 exceptions being myself, the teacher, and one other girl who came out as a lesbian a couple weeks into the start of class. essentially what this meant is that i was the only potentially "available" girl in the room (ignoring whether or not there was any actual interest on either side of things) for most of the 2-3 years i took the class. this was fine for the first year or so, back when i was super depressed and only ever wore the same 2 hoodies every single day, but as my mental health improved, so did my clothing habits and with it came a distinct shift in the ways that the other people in the room treated me.

i remember i finally gave in and wore a skirt one day and the shift in treatment was practically fucking tangible. it wasn't that people treated me worse or better necessarily, i mean there were a couple dudes that weirded me out a bit and my relationships with my close friends didn't change a bit, but suddenly it felt like there was all of this additional shit weighing down my interactions with people i had previously felt comfortable with and, frankly, it fucking sucked! it felt like the fact that i had finally outwardly performed femininity suddenly reminded half the class that i was, in fact, a girl and all of a sudden there were all of these complex expectations and reactions that i was forced to shift through out of nowhere and i entirely didn't expect it.

to get back to the point, though that experience wasn't exactly the same as margot barbie suddenly being viciously sexualized by everyone in her path (though certainly, i've dealt with that one too) i think it still gets at a similar idea of how harsh and sudden the transition into womanhood can be and i appreciate how this movie reflected on that, especially in the context of how the shift primarily comes from a change in how other people view you. margot barbie never ages throughout the film, never goes through puberty like an actual kid and has to deal with the changes that come from that, but if anything i think that makes the message stronger- even if she is still fundamentally the same physical being, the external shift in perception is still strong, particularly in its influence on how one views themself.

3. mothers (& patriarchy)

i think it's safe to say that this is, at it's core, a feminism movie, and it explores this through the exploration of two main ideas: motherhood, particularly through the relationships of the movie's main women (margot barbie, gloria, sasha, & ruth handler), and patriarchy as tested by the kens, in particular ryan ken.

imo the movie's demonstration of the transition from childhood -> adulthood through margot barbie's character arc doesn't just focus on her as an individual, but also her relationship with her "creator," ruth handler, who is essentially treated like margot barbie's mother (i believe this is really clarified at the end of the movie, though tbh i forget what exact scene/line made me think that while originally watching). what really caught me off guard about this aspect is just how much it symbolically delves into the topic of grief, specifically through the loss of a mother on the part of margot barbie. i almost questioned if this was intentional at first, since it's quite vague and doesn't really show up very often, but iirc it ended up being quite a strong point. i replayed gris quite recently and i wasn't expecting to come up with the same emotions watching the barbie movie of all things, but i think it works well.

*also, sidenote: while i won't go too in depth into gloria & sasha's arcs since they feel pretty straightforward to me, i do want to add that i really liked how gloria was the girl that margot barbie was originally attached to rather than sasha. feels like the moviemakers really learned from EEAAO for that one, and it's nice to see more older women get put in the spotlight for once.

4. ken

SO. ok i know i mentioned patriarchy above but let's just give ken and patriarchy his own section cause i really liked how his arc was done. ryan gosling fucking killed it here, he knew exactly what needed to be done and did it and it deserves all the praise.

the one thing i wished there was a little bit more of though (keeping in mind that i've got a section on weak points right after this one) is a slightly clearer demonstration of how toxic masculinity/patriarchy/whatever the fuck you wanna call it makes men just as miserable as it does women. i think a part of what made this point weaker in my mind is how separate the barbies & kens were by the end of the movie (more on this in the section on dubious hope), though idk i might be nitpicking a bit too hard there. overall ken is a lovely horse girl with stunning proficiency at beach and i think his arc was incredibly satisfying and beautifully flashy, a perfect balance to the rugged femininity of barbie. you ARE kenough my dude, and i laughed hard enough at that hoodie to almost consider shelling out the 60 bucks for a real one.

5. ending

i started getting nervous right at the end there because as the movie seems to be aware, there are a lot of ways this could've been fucked up. this movie had a very particular message (i.e. women don't have to be extraordinary just to deserve existing in peace) that it was very intent on delivering the right way, and ultimately i think it succeeded. it managed to not shove a last minute barbie/ken romance into the final minutes, it reflected meaningfully enough on what the idea of a barbie really represents, and it let you leave the theater in good spirits with a great dumb joke.

6. no apologies & marketing (barbie can be anything)

actually- let's expand on that previous point a bit! "women don't have to be extraordinary just to deserve existing in peace," is a great message and fantastic evolution off of the classic barbie brand of "women can do anything they set their hearts out to do," and i really liked that the film stuck to this idea the whole way through. there's a potential criticism of the feminism of this film that it tries to tackle too much at once and doesn't give each individual point enough time to stew (aka there's margot barbie's emotional development arc but also gloria & sasha's arc but also ken's patriarchy arc etc. etc.), but i think that in sticking to this one core message it feels cohesive enough that i can't lean on that point too heavily.

i also like how this idea kinda transforms the messaging behind the original marketing for the movie. "this barbie is a [INSERT OCCUPATION HERE]" is great in that it attracts your attention by playing into the "classic" barbie message but also in that the movie seems to fundamentally be about pointing out that the occupation is not what makes those barbies (women) deserving of being treated with humanity and respect. it's just. it's fuckin nice.

7. barbie girl in a barbie world (the SET DESIGN) vs. lovely reality

THE PLASTIC SETS & PROPS WERE SO FUCKING GOOD like we knew they were going to be but AAAAAAAAA. istg god bless whoever worked on making all that shit look like plastic it was so good i was staring wide eyed the entire movie. also: just the right amount of sparkles and incorporation of old advertisements. chefs kiss.

additional short note before we get to the weak points cause lord my hands are starting to Feel It again: i really like that the "real world," for all of its grittiness in comparison to the barbie world wasn't treated like completely disgusting or dingy but instead a different, but still at times lovely place. all those shots of the light coming through the trees really helped i think, it was just nice that while it was different and jarring to margot barbie to see she was still able to see the beauty in it all. that scene where she tells the old lady at the bus stop that she's beautiful is the emotional core of this movie in my mind and i can't appreciate it enough for keeping that all present.

WEAK POINTS

1. what the fuck was up with that smallpox line

as it says! it was weird and jarring and out of place and i kind of wish it was just cut out entirely. this is probably the biggest negative point i have against the movie and since i've actually seen some people talking about this one i think i should try going a bit more in depth.

from what little i've seen of other comments on this, i think one of the biggest criticisms says something along the lines of "it's a bad line because it equates american indian genocide with patriarchy which isn't an equal comparison," and though i don't know if i would agree with that point exactly, i do think the comparison is ultimately a weird one to make and fails to make any meaningful points that aren't tainted by a weird insensitivity to indigenous american history.

it's actually not about the deaths for me, since i think it's ignorant to say that women haven't been killed due to the effects of patriarchy (even if nowadays it is usually at an intersection of more minority identities- cishet middle-class white women certainly aren't the ones being killed for their woman-ness in this day and age, at least in most of america). while fundamentally i think it's always going to be weird to try and compare the experiences of people dealing with different types of bigotry, i think another key problem here is the fact that the things being compared here just don't function in the same way.

take what i say here with a grain of salt since i don't have any direct american indian affiliations myself (rather, i'm mixed white/filipino actually), but patriarchy and the deaths that came from the diseases that originated from the introduction of europeans to the american continent just aren't really comparable, literally apples to oranges in my mind. for one thing, the line takes away from the agency that goes into patriarchy on the part of (cis) men which seems to actively conflict with the actions of ryan ken throughout the movie, and for another, the focus on disease seems to uncomfortably disregard the very real active killing sprees that settlers fairly regularly went on in while violently colonizing the continent. it just- none of it really works! i genuinely don't get why this line had to be included- it's never elaborated on, it doesn't support any of the messages the film seems to be trying to send (if anything, actively going against what it's trying to do), and it's so uncomfortably out of place it actually distracted me from the movie long enough that i had to mentally scramble to figure out what was happening again.

i'd like to hear more of an in-depth criticism from someone more fit to comment on this topic. if anyone would like to respond/link elsewhere to something more sophisticated than these random notes of my own, it would be greatly appreciated. more on this movie and race a bit later.

2. limitations of capitalism

this is one point that i think the movie actually dealt with fairly well, which makes sense since there are so many ways that this movie could've ended up turning into a massive fucking ad campaign for mattel, like even more than it already was. i think it works because it just doesn't linger on it too much- there's only so much criticism of capitalism you can shove into your massively corporate, expensive film before it gets fucking obnoxious and impossible for anyone to take you seriously. frankly i think that for any movie this mainstream at this scale it should just avoid talking about it at all, but the short, vague references they kept in were quick enough that i couldn't complain for too long. in recent years there have been a lot of shows & movies that in their attempt to be woke end up just annoying everyone, the bigots and the people they're trying to appeal to both, but these shorter comments, especially within the context of the rest of the movie's messages & themes, felt at least a little more genuine.

3. white feminism & the lack of introspection w/ race

oh man. this movie is fuckin WHIIITE, which was kind of expected but also yeesh. in all fairness, similar to the above point i think this movie did a decent job at making the cast fairly diverse without being overly obnoxious patting itself on the back about how woke it is (again, i think this is because it had an actual message in mind), but overall i still can't think of this movie as being about anything other than fundamentally white, cis feminism. and to some degree that's fine!! this movie knows what it is and i think it genuinely does give some good direction for a better way of approaching "classic" white feminism (especially considering how much female CEO-type girlboss feminism pandering bullshit we've gotten in recent years), but, y'know. a smidge more depth would've been nice, especially in the relationship between sasha & gloria (though i did find the dad's broken language practice endearing lol white dads =3=.)

4. weird barbie & queerness (cock ring ken)

it could've been so much gayer. it definitely had some hints here and there, like you cannot tell me that weird barbie isn't a dyke, a couple twinks hit on ken during the rollerblading scene, and that final ken dance battle was exactly the right amount of homoerotic, but still. i just wish it was more blunt about it, i feel like a lot of the underlying tension of gay shit underlining all of the intense femininity went over the heads of straight audiences and that makes me kinda sad cause it feels like i'll have to fight to make it seen which we all seem to be getting sick of doing. bring back cock ring ken mattel, i know a shit ton of people (myself included) who'd by the fuck outta that.

that being said, i also like that it didn't linger on romance too much, instead focusing on the mother/daughter relationships that mesh more cleanly with the general themes of growing up and girlhood. ken figuring out how to deal with being friendzoned by coming to terms with his own self-worth was lovely and i wouldn't change that conclusion a bit. i just wish, for the sake of my own tastes, that we could've gotten a bit more time with that line about how you're either a stereotypical barbie or a weird loser, since that definitely resonated with my own experience growing up a queer weirdo loser, or just that side of queerness that often makes you feel like an outsider to the mainstream.

5. dubious hope

...ok to be honest, after writing the rest of this post, i'm not sure i believe this anymore. originally this point was going to be something along the lines of how i thought that EEAAO was a lot more clean in its defense of holding onto hope, and maybe i do still believe that, but thinking back i think this movie does actually do a pretty good job in trying to combat the usual pessimism that drenches a lot of white cishet feminism (and women in general, tbh). mostly this just goes back to the point i made before about how i wish they hadn't separated the kens & barbies so heavily near the end- idk, it just lowkey feels like its playing into this subtle idea that's been going around where, like, men have to be gay in order to have non-misogynistic relationships with women and just. ugh i dunno, i have lots of loaded, complex ideas about that which i will not be elaborating here, ultimate conclusion is that i think we need to figure out a better way to heal the fucked up relationship between straight men and straight women that permeates through patriarchal gender roles so heavily than just "make everyone gay".

6. allan???

allan. needed more of him. michael cera was the perfect casting choice for this and i wish he had more of an arc but also i get it. i get it. uhh anyways

[hjeojeo]

I was reading some of my old personal journal-esque rambles i’ve written in past and now i feel like

yeah i’ll pick that up again >:)

but god yeah i dont really remember where i last left off so i wont try to pick up where i left off, I’ll just try to like i guess

put a starting point, starting with this one so that i know what i’m just adding onto as i write more journal posts in future

I’m really glad to be using tumblr again cause

wow so many significant changes in my life and growth happened here

first of all I got together with jude cause of tumblr, uhhh...almost 9 years ago!

i went through 2 additional polyam relationships on tumblr

(2015 - 2017 with manie 2020-2022 with beth/venti)

i ran away from my abusive family while on tumblr ...that was probably the biggest one

(it was in 2014)

i learned more about my gender identity and sexuality while on tumblr

OH!!

that’s a big one to talk more about

so i’m planning on making some big steps towards transitioning this year

i first wanna take care of a upcoming surgery for our cat, and then have more brain space to tackle the entire transitioning process like find a gender therapist first to be able to get on hrt

but yeah I”m really looking forward to it and trying to not get too impatient with myself : )

i think a lot of my old journal posts were centered around my mental health and the understandings and growth i would go through

so i think a really important one from recent (by recent i mean either anywhere from few months back to a year ago..my sense of time is p bad) is finally understanding how saving face doesn’t truly protect me. growing up i was heavily conditioned to always save face as if that’s what would protect me as an immigrant, a poc, and as an afab ueer/trans person.

but thanks to long talks with jude, i was able to just like...kinda look at how my life had been and reailzed. it never protected me. it just kinda had hurt me more to have so many layers of not trusting people. but more importantly not trusting myself. cause saving face for me was out of not trusting myself to put my foot down, to say no, to enforce my boundaries, instead i’d manipulate and lie out of uncomfortable situations and feared confrontation the most.

so being able to grow out of that bit by bit has done wonders to my mental health. being able to trust yerself really is just priority when it comes to mental health, imo.

ah lets see

another thing that’s been amazing is

i found out that i have adhd, and iw as able to get on adderall june 2021, and my gosh. my life really turned upside down. being able to be on top of my work made room for more personal enrichment and passions and.

i am so grateful to jude’s and my primary-care-physician for it. rest in peace, clarke, words cant describe what you did for me.

oof okay before i tear up about that.

i’ll wrap up this really like disjointed rambles with one last thing,

nowadays i spend a lot of my time watching my friends stream while i work, or streaming myself, and also part of a new ttrpg campaign and i’ve been so invested in that ; __;

there is so many wonderful stuff being built up in jude’s and my life and i couldn’t be more thankful.

and maybe in future too i might ramble about another wonderful update ;O regarding another polyamorous relationship i approached a long time friend about haha, but i wanna make sure she has the space and privacy to not feel rushed so, im gonna be very reserved about talking about that for now <3

WAIT NO ONE LAST LAST UPDATE

JUDE AND I WATCHED “EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE”

AND WHOOOOOOO god we loved it so much.

definitely my favorite movie of all time now...

i am itching to go watch it again...and when it coems out on bluray cannot wait to get that too...; __ ;

[lunar-magnolia]

@honestlyshamelesscollector thank you for asking me this!! I'm really happy to share my thoughts, I hope to answer your questions in the best way possible akdjsk

I absolutely agree with you about Xie Lian. He does indeed grow a lot, even though he does so in a traumatic way.

***A little disclaimer: these are just my thoughts here, first impressions having read the novel once, plus watched the donghua and read the manhua a couple of times. I'm no expert at all, but I have lots of feelings about this akdjskfmf

**Putting a read more because long lmao

Young Xie Lian's dream was to become a god and save the common people. And present Xie Lian does it everyday, as much as he can. The biggest lesson he got growing up was probably the fact that he can't save everyone at the same time, but saving (or helping) even just one person was enough. He might be a god, but he is still one person. Having godly powers doesn't make him omniscient or give him the ability to suddenly work on a bigger scale than he could when he was human.

Book 4 in particular highlights just how much the present Xie Lian has changed from the Crown Prince that Pleased The Gods, filled with the idealism of a young man and maybe just a little bit spoiled, to the kind and humble Scrap Immortal that does everything in his power to help the people he comes across.

We see him starting to change as soon as book 2 though. When he tries to both save the Imperial Capital from being invaded and save the Yong'an people from the draught, it's the first time Xie Lian faces the limits of his godly status and power. He divides his time to keep it going for a bit, but in the end he's exhausted and overwhelmed, and he can't do it anymore. Even though he is a god. The inevitable consequences of his own actions and the fall of Xianle challenged his idealism and destroyed his heart so hard that he almost gave in and took his revenge on innocent people. But one person is enough, right?

One could argue that Xie Lian never really had it in him to do it, and I'd probably agree. The whole waiting for someone to help him before releasing the curse, and then trying to sacrifice himself when it eventually was too late to avoid it was enough of an indication for me. It only took the kindness of one person to make him change his heart. If he truly sought revenge, one person wouldn't have been enough. And damn if that didn't ruin Bai Wuxian's plans wonderfully lolll

Xie Lian knew in his heart that the people of Yong'an didn't deserve to pay the price for what happened to Xianle. Even though Bai Wuxian tried (and for a while succeeded) to make him believe it.

Straying from the path that Bai Wuxian wanted him to walk was not as easy as it seems. Bai Wuxian carefully paved all the paths for him, pushed Xie Lian in the directions he wanted him to go with the most violent methods I've ever seen, but Xie Lian always found a way to avoid it, also thanks to Hua Cheng's presence, even when he didn't know it was him (I have so many feelings about that imma cry skfjkefj). Hua Cheng always believed in him and knew what Xie Lian was truly capable of, and boy was he right gdi.

When Xie Lian went through the betrayal of Jun Wu, Hua Cheng's presence reminded him of who Xie Lian is and what he's become. The doubts Bai Wuxian put in his mind, the danger of the Human Face Desease threatening to be freed again, and the resolution to not give in into grief and pain and staying true to the person he had become were again overcome thanks to one person. Xie Lian could have never actually become what Bai Wuxian wanted him to, no matter what he threw at him.

In the end, Xie Lian learnt how to save the common people for real. And he realized that didn't have to do it alone! Instead, the common people themselves were part of the solution (the human array to contain the resentful spirits yknow). It does send an important message, and it's probably the most important thing that Xie Lian learnt: that one person alone cannot save all, if all don't want to be saved. It's a group effort, it takes time and heart and not everyone has it in their heart to risk their lives for the sake of others. Godly powers can only do so much, and a god cannot change fate from above. A god must instead support and protect the people, work with them, give them a boost, and in the end the people will save themselves.

It's a really nuanced and complicated process, I don't know how to explain it properly ajdkfjdl.

It's also worth mentioning that the relationship with Mu Qing and Feng Xin had all the potential to prevent much of what happened to Xie Lian. But just as Xie Lian was young and inexperienced, so were they. And despite all, until Xie Lian stopped thinking of them as servants, he couldn't grow. He had to lose them to truly understand the depth and worth of people believing in him. Which doesn't make it any less painful or sad... Things could have indeed gone differently, but the outcome would have never been the same. I'm glad in the end they kind of sorted it out though.

And the fact that Mu Qing and Feng Xin still cared for Xie Lian when he ascended for the third time was so evident in hindsight. Made me smile when I realized.

Also I liked that in the end Xie Lian didn't go rule the heavens or even go back to it, and instead stayed in the mortal realm to continue doing what he did for the past 800 years. Considering that young Xie Lian said clearly that he wanted to become a god, it's an important thing. It shows that in his mind the concept of gods and their role has changed, and he will stick to his new views despite the possibility of achieving what his young self wanted. Though this isn't just a consequence of book 5, it was shown even earlier when he first visited his palace in the heavens. Xie Lian didn't want to enter it, it made him uncomfortable, and instead sat outside waiting for Shi Qingxuan.

There are so many things to say about Xie Lian but idk if I have the competence to express them all akdjskfj I love his character to bits. His development was not banal in any way, and even though we didn't see all the 800 years it took for him to change, we do feel how gradual that was. Just think of when he met Banyue.

He was still a bit idealistic, telling her that his dream was to save the common people, but he already grew enough of a thick skin to understand when it was worth to pick a fight or not, and he wasn't picky on food (even cooking it himself in his helmet, with outrageous results). It might not seem much, but all things considered, it was a change.

In his first banishment he learnt how hard life was without his Crown Prince status, but he still picked fights with people and refused to eat some things because they weren't as high quality as the food he used to eat at the Royal Palace.

During his second banishment, he learnt to be humble and how problems couldn't be solved with just the right idea. He learnt the grayness of morality and life, how right and wrong are not absolute concepts. He experienced the worst fortune (by his own choice) and learnt how to not let it get to him, how to grow enough of a thick skin to get up each time and not take his frustration out on others.

Truly, Xie Lian is a great character. I have read the novel only one time so far, but I'm planning to reread it soon. So who knows, I might notice more things next time around! This was just my first impression Ahah

As for things I wish that were better explored in the story, I'd say Pei Ming's growth and maybe Ling Wen's motives (though I might have just blinked and missed this last part, because I was still reeling from the Black Water arc lmao).

About Pei Ming, I think he went through a considerable growth since the first time we see him, when he tries to save Little Pei from banishment. At first he gave me the impression of being the usual arrogant womanizer, who would do anything to avoid having his reputation tarnished. But blinking to book 5, we see that he's... Idk, it feels like he's taken that shameless arrogance and put it away, especially after interacting with the Rain Master. Their story is extremely important to his development imo. Their shared past held a place in his heart, and it resurfaced when he met the Rain Master again. I think he was deeply signed by her actions in the past, and he never forgot her.

It's shown when Pei Ming refuses to be saved by the Rain Master and refuses the sword she wants to give to her (which incidentally is the same sword that, yknow, she used to sacrifice herself in front of him back in the days). He says (or better, the people around him say) that it was out of pride, because he couldn't accept that a woman saved him. But he never confirmed or denied it, instead he ran after her "to help".

At the end of the story Pei Ming is not as loud and proud of his reputation as he was in the beginning, instead he seems humbled.

I think the Xuan Ji case also had an important role in his development. Considering how we see her dissolve having found peace after talking/fighting with Pei Ming during the Mount Tong'lu arc, I do think that Pei Ming himself must have reflected on himself a bit too.

He also lost his two best friends, Shi Wudu and Ling Wen, so... Yknow, my hualian ship captain must have had some changes.

Especially when it comes to the Rain Master, I feel there are good basis for a good friendship between them, despite the past. The Rain Master never showed open animosity towards him, instead she helped him. It seemed to me that Pei Ming is the one who believed she hated him, but it was never confirmed.

And maybe if you squint there could be more between them, if you're into that ahah. I wish we could have seen more of his grown version, though I do understand that it happened in the epilogue and the book is already as long as it can be ahaha. So really I'm not that sad it didn't happen, I'm happy that there are signs in the background that "hint" at that instead (if they can be considered hints, idk ahha).

About Ling Wen, ehhhh I want to reserve the right to reread and reconsider. Right now I feel like the Brocade Immortal thing was almost unnecessary? I like her background, how she became the biggest civil goddess of the heavens, but I didn't get why she created the brocade. Again though, I might just go back and reread that part later. Tbh I was reeling really hard after the Black Water arc, so I just blanked on some things akfjskf

Did the Brocade serve any purpose in the end? Aside from being the catalyst of Ling Wen's story arc and being one of the two mighty ghosts in Mount Tong'lu (and also giving that nice hualian scene where Hua Cheng was trying so hard to get kissies from Xie Lian ahaha). Idk, I'd like to hear your thoughts about this!!

I think I rambled enough, if you got to this point wow you're amazing! And thank you for going through this long rant Ahah. I hope it makes some sort of sense! Thank you again for the questions, talking about tgcf made me really happy!

[bellafarella]

⚠️This is very long so you don’t have to read it or post it I just wanted to share how I thought the ending would have made people at least satisfied with the ending ⚠️

How each persons storyline should have ended

Frank’s-good ending. The floating was weird. I’m kind of upset that out of his all things his (dementia,alcoholism,overdose, his failing liver) they decided to kill him with COVID something he showed no symptoms of.

Liam- it should have shown Liam reading Frank’s letter. Seeing him read the letter and getting emotional over what frank said about him and Frank’s voiceover as he smiles when he reads his part in the letter would have been great. The idea of the letter should have been to have the one person that cared about him read it, which was Liam. People may say this would have hurt Liam but I think it would have gave Liam some sort of closure just letting him know that frank loved him and cared for him more than the Gallagher’s and Liam did care about frank more than anyone so for Liam this may have just made him happy to know that his mission of helping frank and making sure Frank felt loved was fulfilled.

Ian and Mickey-This may be a little controversial but I think Ian and Mickey should have ended their story with getting married. The whole relationship and really what made people love this relationship was the fact that nothing could break them up because what they have is special, it’s true love. Them being sperated so many times and being brought back together so many times was kind of what people loved. Not so much the being torn apart part but more of the coming together because they love eachother and that they have true love that can’t be broken. Them getting married is the perfect way of showing that it’s real this time they will be together till death do them part. JW’s ending was great on paper. Mickey telling Ian how he felt about being a dad, Mickey acting like he forgot about their 1 year anniversary when really he wanted to surprise Ian. Great on paper but unfortunately JW did an awful job of showing this finale storyline he could have had an emotional, important, and impactful storyline but instead he had a storyline about Mickey arguing about a potato masher, Mickey talking about getting a blow job, deleted important scenes, and just a underwhelming ending overall. I’m still mad there was no mutual ily. Since they got married last season and there’s nothing we can do to change that now I think the last scene was great, them dancing around in the alibi where Mickey came out celebrating their 1 year anniversary. I just wish JW did a better job at adding a more emotional or just impactful finale rather than a bunch of scenes that meant nothing and two important scenes

Lip- It should have ended like it started. Lip being happy fixing his house. I think it should have been him in his new house looking at it from the outside and seeing that his hard work has finally paid off. Jw decided to leave lip broke with a kid on the way and still having to support Liam considering he promised Liam a home (which as we can tell he is not getting anytime soon), having a job as a delivery driver, and started smoking again. Again very sad and underwhelming storyline that Jw managed to mess up.

Debbie- the season shouldn’t have been purely Debbie angry at lip I feel like they should have had Debbie be angry at lip for about two episodes max and then her finally coming to terms with having to move so she ends up buying the apartment that she was looking at with Franny. The last episode should have been her at her new apartment and lip comes to visit her and she expresses that she feels alone and lip tells her that he is right there next to her and just because they don’t live under the same roof doesn’t mean that he won’t be there for her and that he is just around the corner and whenever she needs him or any of the Gallaghers they will be right there. This would then give Debbie some peace of mind and the last scene should be Debbie hugging Franny maybe sitting on a couch watching TV, both with a big smile on their face.I feel like this could have gave there be a more emotional storyline rather than a petty unimportant storyline which would have caused less hate towards her.

Carl- his ending was good the whole episode was terrible with his storyline but at least they gave him a good ending where we can imagine him in the future buying The alibi and running it and possibly saving up money to buy a home and starting his life

Kev and V-The episode should’ve ended with them agreeing to move to Kentucky because we know that they will be fine in Kentucky considering Kevin already has a job there promised to him and V potentially has a job in government this would have let the viewers imagine their life in Kentucky and leaving it up to the viewers to imagine how their life in Kentucky would be while still leaving us with a good and secure ending considering they are planning to buy the condo which already leaves the viewers with imagining a stable home and job in a good neighborhood for Kevin and Veronica and their kids .

Hi so I read all of this and your ideas are good! But I do have to say that you're expecting too much from a show that's done nothing but disappoint fans for years lol

I thought that considering how this show has been going the last few years that the ending we got was as good as it was ever gonna be.

I do think they could have given us at least 1 more episode just to tie some things up like this finale felt more like the penultimate episode instead of the series finale it was

For Frank, the floating thing is dumb but it's symbolic. It's his soul watching over his family and friends and seeing them happy and knowing they'll be okay eventually.

I liked that the letter was read by him. It was a very nice callback to the pilot and that's def why they did it. And why they had them sing that song since it was also in the pilot.

Liam reading it would be a nice way to end his whole sl with Frank but ultimately, frank was a neglectful shitty parent, maybe not to liam but to his other kids and I think their objective with not having any of the kids know in that moment that frank died is because frank never cared about them and they learned not to care about him so the point of them not finding out, imo, hit the mark. This show was never about the children wanting the parents love and approval, it was about these children taking care of each other and being there for each other because their parents were neglectful

I do agree that frank dying from covid was fucking bs. Like now we don't know if the kids or any of them got covid cause they were in contact with him like you're giving us this entire sl of how dementia is slowly killing frank but then he dies cause of covid??? I get he'd be way more prone to catching it and it actually killing him but then why heavily show his decline with dementia only for covid to take him out. That's def a big fault I have with the finale

As for Lip, I think it would have been nice to see him get a legit offer or him with his new place but I like that his ending was very open. As we know, Lip is a genius. Even after years of not being in school or working with computers he was still able to help that guy with his exchange thing in 2 seconds. And like frank said, lips just too stuck in his own way. I think with him possibly having a 2nd kid, it will kick him into high gear and he'll find a way to get them a house and get himself a good job to support them. His ending shows that yeah he might be down right now but don't count him out because he will find a way to support his family.

For ian and mickey I def disagree with you. I absolutely loved seeing them as husbands this season. Yeah they bickered for too many episodes but it's also accurate af. Couples bicker. My parents have been married over 30y, they bicker constantly. But aside from bickering we got to see them grow as a couple. We saw mickey attempt to get a legal job because it would ease Ian's mind. We saw Ian want a better life for them. We saw them get an apartment and start their own business together. We saw them communicate about what they want within their marriage. We saw them discuss children and past traumas surrounding that. We saw Ian comfort mickey when terry died. We saw Ian comfort mickey when he said he didn't wanna be like terry or that he would be a shitty dad like terry. I think their ending was definitely the best one out of everyone. They're happy, in love, just celebrated a year of marriage, they have a business, a home, and the door is open for them to have children. I thought that it was a great way to end their story. It left it open enough for us to imagine them in their new home and discussing kids then making the moves to try and have one.

Debbie I fucking hate so idgaf how her story ended lmfaoooo but what I did hate was how she kicked sandy to the curb for wanting them to ditch but then this new psycho bitch Heidi says the exact same thing and she's all maybe. I hope she goes and leaves franny and Ian and mickey adopt her lol

Carl's whole cop sl was annoying af but I did like his ending. I like the idea of him potentially buying the alibi with Tipping and yeah a cop bar is not ideal but I think it's nice imagining him getting back to his roots u know? Living in the south side, working at a staple of the South Side. He could even live in the apartment above it. I rly liked his ending. It gave us a lot to imagine or hope for for him.

Liam, we know he's going to be great. We saw future him in franks hall of shame and he's this successful beautiful man and he looks happy. He deserves it. But also he said they all have money in the Gallagher future so that's why I'm just thinking of that and that's why I'm okay with how it ended cause I know they'll all be okay

For kev and v, I agree we should have seen them moving already but I get why they didn't. The Alibi didn't sell yet but we know they'll move. They sold their house, they put a deposit on a condo across from Vs mom, they have jobs lined up. I'm good with their ending cause we know what they're going to do and we know they'll be happy, even if it's not a permanent stay, they'll make anything work together.

Thanks for coming to me with your thoughts or hopes for how it should have ended. Sorry I steamrolled and told you my opinions but I figure it'd be okay since you came to me lmaoooo

[fictionallemons]

My Supernatural Story

For years people told me I should watch Supernatural. "Oh, you like Sherlock and ship Johnlock, you would love Supernatural. Oh, you like writing fanfic, you should watch Supernatural." But I never did. I chalk it up to it starting the year I cut the cord on cable TV. By the time Supernatural started streaming it had been on so long I thought there was no way I could catch up.

Flash forward to 2019. I'm looking for something to watch when doing dishes and stuff because there's only so many time you can rewatch Murder, She Wrote (it's a lot, but there's still a limit). Another mom at the bus stop mentions Supernatural when I ask for show recommendations. "It's starting its last season. The first five seasons are the best, but it's still pretty good."

I look up how many seasons it's been by now and my jaw drops. Fifteen seasons? Jesus Christ. But the fact that it's officially ending give me motivation. Something about knowing exactly how many episodes I'm in for if I end up liking it makes me feel better about the whole thing. I'm also looking for a new fandom and I know there's an entire world of SPN fanfiction out there so if I end up liking the show, then I have a ton of fic open to me. I've been on Tumblr for a couple of years at this point, mostly for Sherlock, so I'm aware of this ship called Destiel, and I know it's pretty huge, so who knows, maybe I'll get into it.

I watch the first episode one sunny September afternoon before the kids get home from school. It's a little scary, a lot dark—I mean, the cinematography is like super dark, and I spend most of the episode wondering how I've gone this far in my life without knowing how fucking adorable Jensen Ackles's stupid face is. I came for the entry to the fanfiction, I stayed for Dean, not going to lie. Don't get me wrong, I like Sam, too, but even though in real life Jared Padalecki and I are the same age, when I start watching he's 22 and I'm 37, and I see him as a kid. Then I'm like—where's this Castiel character I've heard so much about? Quick Google later…he doesn't show up until the FOURTH SEASON? Are you serious? I have to watch three whole seasons before meeting the character I'm supposed to be shipping with my idiotic, adorable Dean?

Turns out I didn't mind waiting because I last all of three episodes before I break down and search the Dean/Sam tag on AO3. I learn the term Wincest. I cringe. Then I Google "starter Wincest recs." I'm in denial about this ship. I find Invisible Boy and other Weecest fics and think, gross. There's no way I can read about underage brothers. Blech. I start with Nyxocity. I don't want to read too far ahead of where I am in the show, so I start slow. But it's inexorable. Inevitable. The more I read, the more it all makes so much sense. What brother is going to literally sell his soul and damn himself to Hell to save his baby brother? Said brother is definitely in love with baby brother. Becoming Wincest trash is easy. And, shocker, my tolerance grows to a point where even Weecest doesn't bother me, as long as it's good. By the time the fabled Castiel shows up on the scene, I'm so deeply involved in Sam and Dean's love story that I kind of find Cas annoying. Handsome and charismatic, but annoying. Not to mention constantly fucking up.

And remember when I said I stayed with the show for Dean? True, I still spend a good portion of every show marveling over the way the camera adores Jensen's face, but Sam, strong, smart Sam grew on me so hard. (Soulless Sam rivals Dean on the hot scale any day imo.) He's another flavor of adorable.

So I make it to the end of Season Five. Swan Song, aka a Wincest love letter. I sob my way through it and think. Okay. I could stop now. I'd be okay to stop. But there were so many legendary episodes I had heard of and couldn't bring myself to watch out of order, like Baby and the Scooby Doo crossover. Not to mention my poor Sam is in hell…or is he?…and Dean and Lisa make me want to throw up in my mouth. And the fanfiction obsession's getting worse. At this point, I'm deeply into J2 fics as well (all the fun of Wincest without the pesky incest part), and reading the occasional Destiel fic even though it doesn't really do anything for me, but there are so many interesting characters that my favorite writers reference and I have no idea who they are: Charlie? Benny?  Rowena? Jack? I don't know who these people are, but I know I won't be complete until I find out. So I keep watching. And reading. And, yes, eventually writing my own Wincest and J2 fics, too.

By the time the show shuts down in March, I've watched probably half the episodes. By the time it comes back in October, I've caught up. I've watched every episode there is. Seven left. Seven episodes I'll have to actually wait a whole week in between to watch, like the old days.

I sob when Cas dies in Despair. The guy grew on me, even though I never could ship him and Dean canonically. The fact that the writers made canon that he was in love with Dean really changes the entire way I view the show now. Not in a bad way, just…the show really isn't about romance. It's about Sam and Dean and saving the world. So while I'm sad to lose Cas, I'm happy they're ending the show the way it started, with Dean and Sam and the Impala. I love how they dealt with Chuck and I cry when Jack fades away. I sob again when they pull a motherfucking montage on us at the end of 15x19. But I'm happy it's just the two of them again. (I am kind of disappointed that the series started with Sam as the emotional core, and then shifted to Dean, and never quite figured out how to shift back. Yes, Sam's awesome, and he's had some moments to shine, and he's saved Dean as many times as Dean's saved him. But has his arc really been as epic as Dean's turned out to be?)

And yet I'll be okay if they drive off into the sunset together, literally. Even if they die, if they die together and end up in their shared heaven, I'll be okay. I need my boys to be together, forever and always. I need them to have each other. I need them to have peace. I need them to choose each other, over and over again, always and forever. It sucks for everyone they've met and loved that all those people are basically collateral damage in the Sam and Dean Save the World Show, but oh well. That's the show. That's why I watched 327 episodes in 14 months. That's why I've worried about these boys since episode one. That's why I'm grateful I finally started watching. In Cas's words, the show changed me. Yes, I joined the fandom about fourteen years too late.

Better late than never.

My Wincest fics on AO3 My J2 fics on AO3 My bookmarks on AO3 in case you want recs

[teaplease1717]

Fireworks

Title: Fireworks

Relationship: Todoroki Shouto x Yaoyorozu Momo

Chapters: 1 of 3

Rating: G+

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26685007/chapters/65087851

A little late, but happy second year writing anniversary to me! Wahoo! Thank you everyone who has supported me over the last year. It sure has been crazy, but seriously all your love, kudos, and comments have kept me going. THANK YOU!

This is a small 3 part story that was originally going to be a one shot, but got really long. And since I hate long chapters decided to break it up into 3 parts. All the parts are done but won't be posted until they've been beta read.

Shout out to all my betas for this work: FlourChildWrites, Emberstork, Crazyelf2018 and C's Melody ! (thanks also to Taq too for calming me down when I was a spaz, and Revaliciousness for doing a final read)

And, staying on the topic of betas, HUGE shout outs to my betas for the entire year: C’s Melody and FlourChildWrites. They’ve been helping kick Ashes of Love and War into shape and seriously I could not have done it without them. Any beautiful imagery is thanks to FlourChildWrites pushing me to be more descriptive. And, although as readers you probably can’t see it, C’s Melody has helped with the story flow and advised where scenes didn’t hit. Both have pushed me to be a better writer and I’ve learned so much from them, so thank you!

To celebrate my anniversary, I’m throwing everything I’ve learned into this piece. Last year, my big takeaway was how to keep a scene in one character’s pov and I got better at adding movement to bring a scene to life. This year, I think my biggest improvements have been learning when to use commas vs periods in dialogue and how to make sentences shorter and to the point.

Other notes, this piece was heavily inspired by Kaguya-sama: Love is War. I watched both seasons of Kaguya-sama and fell absolutely in love. I’m not usually into those kinds of romantic comedy stories but this show killed me. So now you all have to put up with my TodoMomo version of the fireworks episode.

XXXXXX

“I’ve got it!” Ashido’s chair screeched back, and she slammed her hands down onto the dorm’s dining table, causing Momo to start. Hagakure’s fingers paused in Momo’s hair as Ashido looked excitedly between the class 2-A girls. “We should go to the Sumidagawa festival!”

It had been a month since the last of the cherry blossoms had fallen, and the brisk chill of spring had given way to the cloying heat of summer. With the changing seasons and their fast-approaching summer break, an infectious excitement had taken root in class 2-A.

Unlike their first year, when they had been shipped off to the mountains to train, the summer of the class’ second year was looking to be far more tame. No training camps. No extra classes. Besides their mandatory part-time internships for the holidays, U.A. was leaving the students to enjoy their second-year summer in relative peace. And no one appeared more excited about this than Ashido Mina, who had called an ‘emergency’ girls meeting to discuss possible options.

“Sumidagawa?” Momo repeated slowly. She could feel Hagakure’s fingers scrape lightly against her scalp as she resumed braiding her hair. Momo looked down and pressed the knuckle of her index finger to her chin, trying to remember where she had heard the name before. She had only been to a festival once before — during first year, with Todoroki Shouto.

Momo felt her heart stutter in the manner she was growing accustomed to when thinking about her seatmate. Recently, her mind had grown prone to fixating and overanalyzing Todoroki Shouto’s words and actions. And, in particular, one of her favorite moments to focus on was their time together exploring and watching fireworks at the Ennichi festival.

She shifted in her chair, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles from her lace night shorts.  Her fingers caught at the edge of the fabric and Momo wrapped the end around her finger.  There was no reason for her to be thinking about it this much. Todoroki showing up at the festival had been a coincidence. And his decision to escort her was an act of kindness that any hero in training would extend to a fellow classmate. So why? Why did her mind insist on returning to that night, over and over?

It must be because Todoroki had never expressed interest in spending time with her before that night. In fact, up until the sports festival, he had seemed the solitary type, uninterested in getting to know anyone in their class. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to open up to her, of all people, about his family made her chest swell with happiness.

“It’s super, super amazing!” Ashido continued excitedly, drawing Momo out of her thoughts. “And it’s not too far from here. We have to go.”

The name finally clicked, and Momo looked up at the girls surrounding the table. “Ah, I’ve seen the Sumidagawa fireworks from my room before.” She held up a finger and smiled. “It’s a historic event that can be traced back to the Kyoto famine in 1732, when fireworks were launched as part of festivals for the dead –“  

“No!” Ashido interrupted, crossing her arms into an ‘x’ above her head. “That’s not why we are going, Yaomomo!”

“Vice President, that’s not it at all,” Hagakure chastised lightly from behind her, her invisible fingers pausing their task of pleating Momo’s hair into a braid. “The festival is about fireworks, food stalls, and yukatas.”

“Exactly!” Ashido’s voice cracked as she nodded in agreement.

“They’ll have so much good food,” Uraraka echoed from across the table, cupping her cheeks. “Okonomiyaki, yaki imo, takayaki...”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Hagakure said, unintentionally yanking a section of Momo’s hair, making her flinch. “And they’ll have your favorite Uraraka-chan — mochi!”

“Mochi!” Uraraka’s voice grew shrill on the word. Her expression lit up as if she already tasted it.

Momo hid a giggle behind her hand.

“It would definitely be a fun summer activity, kero,” Asui added, tapping her chin and smiling. “My sister gave me a new hair clip that I’ve been meaning to wear.”

“I’m sure the guys would love to go too,” Uraraka said, pressing her fingers together, except for her pinkies which stuck up in the air.

Jirou raised an eyebrow as she looked across the table at Uraraka. “Are we inviting the guys? Or keeping it just us?” she asked, twirling her earphone jack around her finger.

“I think we should include them,” Uraraka said thoughtfully. “It would be fun to do something all together.”

Ashido leaned closer to Uraraka, a grin twisting across her lips. “So sly, Urarka-chan,” she said, elbowing her in the side. “You just want to hang out with Mi-do-ri-ya, don’t you?” she whispered in a sing-song tone. The black of her eyes glittered suggestively.

Uraraka flushed. “No! It’s nothing like that,” she said, waving her hands in front of herself frantically. Her eyes glanced around the living room quickly. It was deserted except for them. Uraraka’s shoulders relaxed and she leaned back in her chair. “I just…” she trailed off, dropping her gaze down to the table. Her expression turned whimsical. “It's just maybe our last year that we can do something like this — all together — before we graduate.”

Momo’s chest tightened.

“Ochako-chan,” Asui said; her voice was soft. She reached over to rub Uraraka’s back.

Everyone’s expressions fell as the reality of Uraraka’s words hung over them. Once they became third years, they’d be busy interning and applying to agencies; they wouldn’t have time to spend going to festivals. And, even if they did, the likelihood that they would all have the same evening off on one of Japan’s busiest days of the year was slim.

Momo bit her lip. She had enjoyed seeing the fireworks last year at Ennichi with Todoroki  —

Todoroki.

Would this be the last chance she’d get to see them with him? Momo's heart dropped.

Ashido’s expression flickered, and she straightened. “That settles it,” she said firmly, curling her left hand into a loose fist and pounding it against her right palm. Her eyes were intent. “Let’s invite everyone. We have to live this up if it’s going to be our last summer that we can all hang out together!”

Momo nodded, her spirits lifting at Ashido’s words. “I can speak to Iida-san about the planning.”

Ashido gave her a thumbs up. “Perfect!”

“And we have to dress up,” Hagakure stressed.

Ashido’s expression lit up. “Of course! If we are going to take pictures, we got to look good.”

“If we are going to dress up, I think I’ll have to go buy a new yukata,” Jirou said, a small smile pulling at her lips.

Momo felt a rush of excitement. “I know a wonderful shop that sells yukatas!” She laid her hand over her chest and smiled brightly. “Why don't we go together? And anyone else who needs one is welcome to join us, of course!”

"Oh! To be expected of our Vice President," Hagakure said. Her voice was filled with admiration.

Momo’s cheeks warmed under the praise as she watched the elastic sitting on the table float up and disappear behind her head. She felt Hagakure’s fingers thread the ends of her hair through the band and release the loose braid with a snap.

“Then that settles it. The Sumidagawa festival it is!” Ashido cried, pumping her fist into the air. “Summer here we come!”

XXXXXX

Momo took a sip of her lavender tea, then tilted her head back to stare at the vase of wisteria flowers that sat on the shelf above her vanity. It had been an hour since Ashido’s summer planning meeting had ended. She should be going to bed, but her usual bedtime ritual didn’t seem to be calming her eager thoughts.

Her stomach fluttered. She dropped her gaze back down to stare blankly at the chemistry encyclopedia that laid open in front of her.

It sounded fun — going to the festival with everyone — with him.

Her hands curled tighter around her warm cup, and she smiled to herself. Last year, Todoroki had escorted her through the Ennichi festival, but they had both been too new to the experience to do anything more than explore the stalls.

Perhaps, going back this year, she could try some of the food Uraraka had mentioned, maybe even play street games. Would Todoroki want to escort her once more? Her heartbeat increased. And what if he complimented her on her yukata again?

‘It suits you.’  

Heat spread across her face, staining her cheeks pink. Momo shook her head. Placing her cup down on her desk, her lips thinned. This was going to be a class activity. A class activity. Not — whatever it was her mind seemed to be hoping for.

Momo sighed, then straightened in her chair, and forced herself to inhale slowly through her nose.

Seriously, she was in the hero course. There was no time for these sudden and confusing teenage feelings.

Momo closed her chemistry encyclopedia and pushed it to the top of her desk. Then leaned down and pulled out the blue notebook from her school bag that she had designated for class representative activities.

If she wasn’t going to go to sleep or study, the least she could do was start thinking of possible festival activities to discuss with Iida after class tomorrow. She opened her notebook to a new page and smoothed out the paper. She picked up her pen and, in careful lettering, wrote ‘Sumidagawa’ at the top.

Leaning back in her seat, Momo tapped the end of her ballpoint pen to her lip. Besides fireworks, they’d need to make sure there were enough other events to keep everyone happy.

She tried to think back to what Todoroki and she had enjoyed last year and froze. Her throat closed as she realized, with shame, that she didn’t even know if Todoroki had enjoyed the Ennichi festival.

Her stomach twisted.

Now that she thought about it, Todoroki had never suggested anything or acted in a way that might imply that he thought of the night as special or enjoyable in any way. In fact, he had even said that he had felt out of place.

Momo took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Had she just been projecting her own thoughts onto him this entire time? Could it be…had he hated it?

A sharp wave of guilt struck her, and Momo felt her stomach drop in disappointment. All this time, she had been thinking about the Ennichi festival as such a magical night without ever considering Todoroki’s feelings.

Momo opened her eyes and set her pen down on her desk. Then she slumped forward and buried her head in her arms. She was so selfish and presumptuous.

How could she have forgotten that Todoroki had revealed that he had felt out of place? Festivals were for families, he had said. And, although he had never elaborated on it, his expression had been drawn in a way that alluded to the fact that his family wasn’t on the best of terms.

Slowly, Momo sat back up. She pulled her hands into her lap and curled them into fists. Perhaps, if they were all going as a class, Todoroki would feel differently? Maybe he would have a better time than when it was just the two of them…

Momo swallowed over a lump in her throat, and set her jaw, shoving away her insecurity as she picked up her pen. She wouldn’t let herself get down.

Last year, her attending Ennichi had been a selfish, impulse decision, one she made against her mother's wishes because Uraraka and Hagakure made it sound like an experience every person should have at least once. Momo would plan better this year.

She straightened in her chair and picked up her pen again. The key to a good event was preparation. And, if there was one thing Momo excelled at, it was planning.

‘You’re good at that sort of thing.’

Momo dropped her pen with a small squeak at the unbidden memory from Todoroki and her midterm battle against Aizawa. Her heart raced. Where had that come from?

Her fingers fidgeted as they pulled her braid over her shoulder. She drew in a deep breath and absently played with the ends of her hair as she tried to calm down.

It must be her subconscious reminding Momo to trust in herself. Just as Todoroki had believed in her and voted for her to be class president - because he thought she’d be good at it. Her heart rose in her chest.

Yes. That must be it.

She breathed deeply and released her hair. Todoroki was right. Planning was her area of expertise. She could do this.

Momo squared her shoulders and picked up her pen again. She would use these emotions — the guilt and disappointment in herself — to make sure Todoroki would have the best time this year. And not just Todoroki. If this was the last chance they all had to hang out together and see fireworks, she would just have to make sure that everyone had the best time possible.

However, even as she thought this, Momo couldn’t stop her sixteen-year-old heart from beating a little faster at the idea of once again looking up at a night sky, full of fireworks, with the boy she admired most.

And maybe this time she would know for certain that he wanted to be there just as much as she did.

XXXXXX

Shouto felt his stomach do a strange flip. She was humming.

He had never heard Yaoyorozu hum before. It was quiet, barely noticeable, and he probably would have missed it if he wasn’t sitting next to her. But it wasn’t just the humming that was different. There had been a determined gleam in Yaoyorozu’s gaze all day that had drawn his attention and made his chest tighten.

Maybe he had heartburn?

He watched her from the corner of his eye as he slowly slid his pencil case into his school bag. Yaoyorozu continued to ignore him as she scribbled determinedly in a blue notebook that he recognized as the one she used for her class representative duties. Her lips curved up into a faint smile.

“Did something happen?” he asked before he could stop himself.

Yaoyorozu paused and turned to look up at him. Her dark eyes blinked innocently. “Todoroki-san?”

The school day had ended a few minutes ago, and the other students of class 2-A had already filed out. Iida had gone to use the restroom, leaving Yaoyorozu and him alone in the classroom.

Shouto had never been the type to rush, but somehow, hearing Yaoyrozu humming had slowed his feet down more than usual. His hand tightened on his notebook as he picked it up and slid it into his school bag next to his pencil kit.

“I was just wondering if something happened? You seem happier today.”

Yaoyorozu’s expression flickered, and then lit in understanding. "Mhm. I guess I am," she said, sitting back in her chair.  She tucked her loose bangs behind her ear, then raised her head. Her dark eyes glittered as they met his. “Last night, the other girls and I were discussing a possible summer outing over the holiday break — one that we could do as a class. We were thinking of scheduling an event to go see the fireworks at the Sumidagawa festival. I’m going to meet with Iida-san now to discuss the arrangements.”

Shouto nodded. He closed his bag and pulled the strap over his shoulder as he straightened. “I see. I’m sure everyone would like that.”

"Right?!"

Shouto jumped despite himself. Yaoyorozu’s hand shot up to cover her mouth.

“Sorry.” A light bashful red dusted across her cheeks. She dropped her hand and looked down at her notebook. A small, embarrassed smile tugged at her lips. "I guess I’m more excited than I thought I’d be.”

He stared at her. Something about an excited Yaoyorozu made his chest tighten. It was like the way her whole face lit up talking about chemistry — raw, unfiltered. So different than him. After a moment, the red across her cheeks deepened, and Shouto realized he was taking too long to respond.

“It’s okay,” he said, avoiding her gaze as she looked back up at him, her eyes searching his face. Shouto cleared his throat. “I think it’s good to do something as a class.”

Yaoyorozu’s expression warmed. “I agree.” Her smile returned. “I've actually gotten really into the preparation. I want this to be a memorable event, so I’m going to do my best to plan properly so everyone has a good time."

Shouto looked down at the notebook opened on her desk. A list of activities, dates, and what looked like restaurants was listed in neat calligraphy.

He snorted. She really was good at these types of things. That's why he had voted for her as class rep after all.

Yaoyorozu was a leader; she was smart, dedicated, and had always been the type to go out of her way to think of others. Even last year, when they had gone together to the Ennichi festival, she had been more concerned with his feelings than making sure she had a good time.

Shouto swallowed and curled his left hand into a fist at his side. The memory of watching the fireworks with Yaoyorozu still felt surreal.

During the sports festival, Shouto had told Midoriya what had happened with his family, but he had a purpose when he had done that. Midoriya was a rival, and Shouto needed him to understand why he was going all out to defeat him. But with Yaoyorozu, it had been the first time he had voluntarily spoken about his family to someone who was not involved. He still didn’t quite understand what had made him decide — after fifteen years — to open up that night. He had just felt comfortable.

His heart beat faster at the memory.

That’s right. Yaoyorozu was that type of person. She was dependable and could make others feel at ease.

Shouto looked back at her. Warmth spread in his chest. She really was going to be a great hero.

Yaoyorozu’s expression flickered. "What-What is it?" She reached up and touched her cheek as if feeling for something. "Is there something on my face?"

Shouto shook his head, eyes softening. "No." He felt his lips twitch. "It's just...you're amazing, Yaoyorozu."

Her eyes widened, red returning to spread across her cheeks. “Eh?”

“Planning an event so that there is something for everyone to enjoy. I’m sure you’ll be able to do it.”

“Well…I hope you will enjoy it too,” she stuttered quickly.

His lips flicked up slightly. “I’m sure I will if you’re the one planning it,” he said.

He looked up as the classroom door slid open with a clack, and Iida walked in, smiling brightly.

Shouto’s throat felt tight. He swallowed and reached up to adjust the strap of his bag, unsure why he suddenly felt annoyed by his friend’s arrival.

He rolled his jaw, as sudden impulsive words clawed up his throat.

“I look forward to escorting you again,” he said as he turned and made his way out of the classroom. His heart raced. He cleared his throat as he discreetly activated his right side to cool his suddenly warm insides.

He would definitely need to talk to Recovery Girl if this continued.

XXXXXX

Momo read over the text message again. “How does this sound?”

“Yaomomo, it’s fine.”

She looked up from her phone. Jirou was sprawled across her king-sized bed, flipping absentmindedly through a magazine advertising the latest guitar models. “You’ve read it over a hundred times already,” Jirou added in a flat voice without looking up.

Momo’s lips thinned. Then she glanced back down at the screen, scanning the text again. She was grateful Iida had graciously agreed to let her handle the details of the planning, but now that she was drafting the invite, Momo couldn’t help but feel a bit anxious about the whole thing.

What if everyone hated the restaurant she chose? Was shopping for yukatas three weeks beforehand even enough time to find the perfect one?  However, what worried her the most, sitting like a heavy, black piece of coal in the back of her mind, was what Todoroki would think of her plan - especially after telling her he’d escort her. And what exactly had he even meant by telling her he’d escort her again?

Momo bit her lip. “But what if someone has a question…”

“Then, they can ask you.” Jirou finally looked up from the magazine and met Momo’s gaze. She quirked an eyebrow. “What’s really the matter? You’ve been fidgety all evening.”

Momo sighed. “I just want the night to be perfect. I was talking to Todoroki-san earlier- ”

“What did the Ice Prince say to you?” Jirou interrupted. The bed squeaked as Jirou sat up abruptly, and her eyes narrowed. “Do you need me to slug him?”

“No!” Momo sat back in surprise. As much as she loved Jirou, Momo was still not used to how quickly she would threaten violence against the guys of their class, especially towards her new boyfriend, Kaminari.

Jirou Kyouka and Kaminari Denki had begun dating at the beginning of the year, after what had been careful persuasion, and in Momo’s opinion, an unreasonable amount of pining between the two. It had been Momo who had finally convinced Kaminari to confess to her friend.

“Todoroki-san didn’t say anything. He was very kind. He just said that if I’m the one planning, then the event will surely be enjoyable…”

Jirou’s expression relaxed. “Oh, is that it?” She sat back down and crossed her legs. “Then why are you overthinking this?”

Momo sighed. “I-I just feel so badly.” She looked down. Her fingers fidgeted with her phone.  “Last year, Todoroki-san was so kind and escorted me to Ennichi, but I was horrible and never even thought about his feelings on being there. He probably hated it...”

“You’re not horrible, Yaomomo. And I doubt he hated it if he was with you.”

“But last year he said - !" Momo hesitated, her heart sinking at the thought that her telling Jirou about him feeling out of place could be a betrayal of his confidence. "He just...didn't look like he enjoyed himself. And I'm scared that people won't enjoy this either..."

Jirou gave her a look. “Yaomomo, you’re worrying too much. First off,” she said, holding up her finger, “Todoroki wouldn’t have stayed with you if he hated it.” She raised another finger. “Second, everyone is going to have fun, no matter what happens. It will just be great to all be together.” She dropped her hand back to her lap.

“Maybe…” Momo said, avoiding Jirou’s gaze.

“Look.” One of Jirou’s earphone jacks rose in the air and pointed at Momo. “I know you are worried about Todoroki, but he isn’t the type of guy who would do something he doesn’t want to. And the fact that he stayed with you all night — when he was still just getting out of his early-roki stage — means that he wanted to see the festival just as much as you did.”

Momo nodded slowly, and then looked away to stare down at her hands for a few seconds.

Jirou exhaled through her nose. “I know there is something else on your mind. Tell me,” she coaxed, getting on her knees and crawling to the edge of the bed to sit by Momo’s chair.

Momo bit her lip. “He...” She paused for a moment. “He also said that he was looking forward to escorting me again.” Her voice was small. She could feel heat curl around her ears as she whispered the words she had been thinking about all evening.

Jirou’s eyes widened faintly. “Oh, that’s exciting,” Jirou said, leaning forward. “And what did you say?”

She shook her head. “He walked away before I could respond…."

Jirou snorted. “Well, that’s still exciting. Congratulations on finally moving forward with the Ice Prince.”

Momo felt her face grow warmer. “Co-congratulations?” Her voice squeaked slightly at the end.

“Yaomomo.” Jirou’s lips curved up into a grin. “You don’t have to be shy. You’ve liked him since forever, haven’t you?”

“Eh?” Momo cupped her face. Her cheeks were burning. “I…I don’t know what you mean.”

Her chest felt tight.

Jirou’s smile widened; she shook her head. Then she leaned forward and poked Momo’s side. “Yaomomo, you’re too cute.”

Momo wanted to hide. Did she really like Todoroki? Well, of course, she liked Todoroki. But, like ‘like’?

Was that why she had been thinking about Todoroki more? And was that why she had been overanalyzing his words all evening?

Momo’s heart rate increased. She certainly admired him and thought him an excellent student and friend, and — okay, maybe she did like Todoroki, but only… if she was going to think about it scientifically, as much as a beaker. Well, maybe a little more than a beaker. Perhaps a flask. A tall, well-made flask ...

Momo hid her face in her hands. She was ruined. How could she have not known?

“Yaomomo, you don’t have to get so flustered. Everyone knows.” She could hear the smile in Jirou’s voice.

“Everyone?” Momo asked in disbelief. Her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach.

“Well, everyone but Todoroki...probably. But it’s okay, since he likes you too.”

Momo dropped her hands. “You’re wrong. He couldn’t possibly like me.”

Jirou smiled surreptitiously. “I don’t know about that.”

Momo shook her head. “Even if he did like me as more than friends — which he doesn’t — he has never made any suggestions."

“What about him saying he will escort you again?”

“He didn’t mean it like that,” Momo said hurriedly. “He meant going as a class.”

Didn’t he?

Momo’s heart fluttered like hummingbird wings in her chest. No. Jirou was wrong. She was planting ideas in Momo’s head.

It was one thing for Jirou to know Momo’s heart, she was her best friend after all, but it was entirely different for her to presume to know Todoroki’s.

“Hmm,” Jirou hummed, looking at her thoughtfully. “Why don’t you just ask him, then?”

“No! I can’t.” Momo leaned forward and grasped Jirou’s hand. “And please, you can’t say anything either. Not to anyone.”

Jirou’s eyes softened. “Okay, okay. I won’t say anything. I promise.” She patted Momo’s hand.

Momo felt her shoulders relax. That was right. Todoroki didn’t like her, because if he did, that would mean Jirou was right and Momo was wrong — which wouldn’t make sense. Momo was the smartest student of their grade. There was no way that she would have missed the signs that he liked her.

Would she?

XXXXXX

Notes:

Ennichi Festival – this is from the Boku no Hero drama CD. Hagakure and Uraraka see a flier for the Ennichi festival and decide to go. They end up telling Momo and asking if she wants to join them, but Momo says she will pass because her mother doesn’t approve of street festivals. Uraraka and Hagakure then leave, and Momo wonders if she made the right decision. Feeling like she is missing out, Momo makes a yukata and goes to the festival by herself, but ends up getting nervous and is loitering by the entrance when Todoroki finds her. They end up walking around together, as neither have been to a festival before. The story ends with Momo asking if Todoroki enjoys the festival and him revealing that he feels out of place because festivals seem like something fun for families. He is about to leave when the fireworks go off. You can watch the full thing on youtube under boku no hero drama cd Ennichi festival.

Earlyroki - this is a slight spoiler for later in the manga. The class uses it to refer to Todoroki’s early emo stage of the first two seasons.

Sumidagawa festival – An actual festival in Japan. The Sumidagawa Fireworks Festival is an annual fireworks festival held on the last Saturday in July. They are known for having the biggest, most spectacular fireworks display of all Japan festivals with stunning pyrotechnic displays of over 20,000 fireworks launched in 90 minutes! (per Google)

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #390

“i am the enemy, here to save the day!”

When was the last time you woke up in the middle of the night? I do this LITERALLY every night. Do you write? (Songs, poems ect..) RP posts and rarely poetry. What is the easiest type of YouTube video to binge watch? Probably a good let's play of a game I'm really into. Do you color Easter eggs still? I haven't in years. I would if it was offered up, though. Do you prefer to decorate with pastel colors or bright colors for Easter? Pastelllll. Do you own a cross necklace? I did in the past, but I don't now. What color is your favorite pair of shorts? I don’t wear shorts. Do you prefer bright colors, dark colors, or pastel colors? Pastels. What’s something that makes you tired? Socializing. Like it's physically draining to me. Do you like drawing or painting better? Drawing. Do you own any foreign coins? No. Do you prefer soft tacos or hard? I hate tacos. Any recent purchases? My niece's birthday is coming up, so I bought her a Disney version of a board game from my childhood called "Pretty Pretty Princess." She's going to love it. :') Do you ever make mixed CD’s for anyone? I never did, no. Are you into gory movies? Yeah. Have you ever been locked in a room forcefully without anyone knowing? omg no Do you have the same color eyes as your mother? No. Do you know anyone who has overdosed? Me. Though I obviously didn't die. Have you ever been put to sleep for surgery? Twice. What is your favorite online smiley face to you? I think I use (: the most. What is something that freaks you out no matter what? Seeing babies move in their mother's stomach makes me want to shriek and vomit. Do you have any fetishes? No. Do you take a lot of photos? Sigh, not as much as I used to... I just don't know what to photograph anymore. Never leaving home doesn't help. Do you have big ears? No; I actually have very small ears, as has been pointed out to me. Do you have a laptop, desktop or both? A laptop. Have you ever met an online friend in real life? Yes! :') There are more I wanna meet. What would you say is your favorite color, out of them all? Baby pink. Have you ever attempted suicide? Yes. What are you most known for? In my real life, my art "skills." Online, probably my obsession with meerkats. Do you have a problem with body hair? Nope. The stigma of it needs to fucking stop. If you bathe yourself and keep your hair groomed, who the actual fuck cares what YOU do with YOUR body. Have you ever been so depressed, you were put on medication? I've been medicated for depression since the 7th grade. What is one thing you think is gross about the human body? Fluids like pus gross me out. Have you ever witnessed someone being murdered? Jesus, no. o_o At what age do you plan to get married? I'd like to as a young adult, but it's not that big a deal for me because I don't want kids (I wouldn't want kids 'til marriage if I did). Do you have any candles in your room? No, but a wax warmer. Ever make a friendship bracelet for someone? Yeah, as a kid. What have you been made fun of for the most? People love to pick on me always being on the computer, when I REALLY wish they fucking wouldn't. I'm aware it's an issue that I've had before I was even a teenager and it makes me SUPER self-conscious. When you’re visiting a site, do you still type ‘www.’? No; I kinda forgot that was a thing, lol. Can you still read the time if an analogue clock doesn’t have numbers on it? Yeah. To whom will/did you first talk about the first time you’ve had sex? My mom, I think. What is something you didn’t like about being thirteen? Acne lmaooo. What can you hear right now? "Girls" by Marina. It's really been jammed in my head lately. Do you think it’s okay for kids to have cellphones? Depends on the age and the phone, imo. I personally am for the idea of (slightly older) children having some sort of cell phone with limited applications, just because emergencies happen, and if I was a mom, I'd want my child to ALWAYS be able to reach me like if they were at a friend's or something. I'll tell you right now kids don't need extravagant iPhones, though. Again: limited applications, also to prevent addiction. Do you have any siblings? If so which one of them do you get along with the best? I have one brother and technically five sisters, but I know nothing of one of them. I don't really know who I get along with best...? I'm sadly not exceptionally close to any. What’s your favorite TV show? And who’s your favorite character from it? My favorite show of all time is Meerkat Manor, wherein my favorite character was Mozart. What kind of signs do you use when you pose for pictures? I usually don't make any, but I'll sometimes do a peace sign. What math subject is your favorite? Um, none? How about science? Genetics. Do you have a favorite Youtuber? If so, who? And what is your favorite video by them? Markiplier, obviously. :') Favorite video... I think it's gotta be the first video of the Dark route in "A Date With Markiplier." It's, uh, special to me lmfao. What’s your favourite Mexican dish? I just like quesadillas. Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Yeah. Well I mean, Mom has. What’s the name of your first real boyfriend or girlfriend? Jason. Have you ever dated a model? No. What is your ultimate goal in life? To be happy and satisfied with what I've done. Have you ever visited someone in prison? No. What months were you and your siblings born in? I was born in February, my younger sister in April, and my older sister is a June baby. Do you write down your passwords in a physical place to prevent losing them? No. x_x Do you have any injuries at the moment? No. Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? Average. Nah. Have you ever taken an acting class? No, not my thing. Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? Yikes, no. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to eat? Venison. Basically anything hunted primarily for sport. If you killed something that did not need to be killed to provide for yourself, I'm not touching it. Have you ever lived in university/college campus housing? No. Who was the last person you complimented? I think my mom? She's doing great with her diet, and I can tell she's lost weight. Do you like spring rolls? Yeah, they're decent. What do you live on in terms of a street, road, crescent, place, court etc? Court. What’s your favourite type of curry? I don't know if I've ever tried any. Have you ever had casual sex? No. Not my jam. If your phone rang right now from a number you don’t know, would you answer? Nope. What was your first pet’s name and how did you pick that? My first personal pet was either my guinea pig Squeak or Chinese water dragon Shadow. I could NOT tell you why I named a green lizard "Shadow," but I called Squeak "Squeak" because he, well, squeaked, lol. How tall are your highest heels? Not high at all. What’s your favourite flavour of frosting? Chocolate. Last thing you looked up on Wikipedia? It was a band that needed a Wikipedia link to go on the Silent Hill wiki. Someone pointed out in trivia that Tears of Mankind covered a SH piece. Should guys keep their shirts on at shows? Unless there's a good reason, like you're seriously overheating, I think so. What about girls? The same as guys. I do think women should keep their bras on though mostly for their own protection because people are pigs. Do you have multiple playlists on YouTube? Yes. What is a goal that you have trouble accomplishing? Losing weight, apparently... What color is your Easter basket? I don't have one anymore. My childhood one was a light tan basket with a baby pink frill around it. What do you need to get from the store right now? Mom just got groceries the other day. What is something that you used to feel ashamed of, but now you don’t? I can't think of anything. EVERYTHING embarrasses me, so. What is your favorite part of growing older? Uhhhhhh. Are you hypersensitive? If so, in what ways are you hypersensitive? Yes, to textures in food. What’s a drug that’s made you gain weight? Paxil was the first, but I worked it all off and got in the best shape of my life. Then Abilify absolutely destroyed my body as far as my weight is concerned because my doctor was an absolute, utter fucking idiot that I will never forgive. Is there a piece of jewelry you have your eye on right now? No. Do you believe that people can be asexual? Bro the fuck, of course I do. What color is your Bible, if you have one? I don't have one. When are you at your happiest? When I first wake up and get on the computer. New day, same shit, but don't tell me that. :^) Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? I mean, it really depends on my mood as well as the weather, but generally, indoors. Can you honestly say that you love yourself? Nope. Where did you go, the last time you left your house? My sister's house to celebrate her husband's birthday. Do you like your singing voice? Meh, it depends on the song I'm singing, but usually, no. Have you ever done a psychedelic drug? If not, would you ever consider it? No to both.

[wolfwhiteflowers]

My mixed thoughts on Carol and Daryl/Caryl in s11 and the spin-off show.

 I think my thoughts are a bit unpopular or mixed.. Idk. I’m overthinking. I’m really am. LOL  It’s a long ranty post and with some spoilers and speculations! (I’m kinda a hate-watcher but I want or keep hoping for good writing. Oh I’m also more of an ensemble-show/TF fan too. So I'm like yeah u know twd/cheesey-ok-writing but I'm also taking it serious. I want good story telling/writing. Sigh, anyway.)

vvvvvv

 So everybody have these expectations and speculations on the TWD shows and shipping Caryl of s11, Rick movies, spin-off show. I feel like Carylers are all not the same page /different opinions on it. I feel weird and awkward about it. I mean it means people are gonna agree or (majority/petty) disagree with me or not like the idea of what the future will bring. So it means that there will be some fandomwank or debbie downers around. (Idk I’m thinking of the BeIIarke fandom.) It’s like oh well...but we’re all in the same team. Well it's always just gonna be up to me deciding if I like it/trust the writers. Eh it’s just right now it’s a waiting-game on what these shows or future will be like. 

Like recently Kang mentioned Caryl as “platonic friends” (im not sure what she means..like s1-10? but she mentions them as soulmates last year) and NR talking about the Caryl spin-off show that he wanted ages ago. I think all these lil hints on what the Caryl spin-off show will be like, I don’t think they’re gonna spoil it to us and it’s also this story-plot comes after s11. So it’s like they can’t really tell us all what it’s about really. So..idk be hopeful or whatever you wanna do till the show comes. 2023. Caryl on. Fics, pls.

And there’s still s11, the series’s last season that Kang have to work on. I guess I feel I don’t know Kang well yet or trust her. So I think Kang might put a love triangle plot and tropey soapy love story going on with Caryl. Like she might want to play into it. And she might want to tease the fandom with the “will they-won’t they”.  S10c-s11f is 30 episodes that is a lot story needed going on. Eh I don’t want a love triangle plot and I hope Kang does something interesting with Caryl in s11 and make them canon! (I also want Conni3 to be like a Sasha and not  a Beth. I want Conni3 to be her own character and bond with her sister, Kelly.)  So.. it’s gonna be a lot we go through before the spin-off show.

So what I mainly want from “TWD Universe” .. And hoping for is... that I think Gimple had always planned to have these TWD shows & movies be connected like “TWD Universe”. I want the (ship canon) Caryl spin-off show connected to the Rick's story in the movies in some way and Caryl(and others) be in the movie(s) too. The spin-off show could be Caryl looking for Rick (with Lydia and Grimes kids), looking for supporters (idk like FTWD?/Morgan), OR eventually later on they helped Rick before they go be part of the movie(s). Idk just something related to Rick grimes movies. Even though like most Carol fans don't like Rick or don’t want the show to be connected at all to the other shows (and no kids). :\ IMO!

*This here I rant about Carol’s story arc and spin-off show. -Lydia.

Recently I watched s10 finale, it hit me that TWD show is ending next season, s11. Like, it’s the end of seeing Team Family and the Grimes/comic-based story. The s10 finale ep kinda also pointed on what I am feeling lately on TWD show and Caryl spin-off. I actually want to see how s11/TWD/Grimes show goes and ends first. I know Caryl are already TV leads, Maggie returns, comic things and drama are back for one more season, but me as a Caryler, I’m also fan of Carol and Daryl individually. (Well I'm more a Carol stan.) Anyway I'm trying to say that I want to see how Carol's or/and Daryl's story ends in the TWD show with TF. I want it to be good writing and story. Like seeing Carol and Lydia in s10f made me cry because it was so good, but what does it mean in s11 and so on? I'm gonna miss Caryl with TF and ASZ. I’m gonna miss some things of TWD too. Idk what the Caryl spin-off show will be like exactly. Will Lydia and others be there too or ..it's the end for them s11? It's sad to me.

 I want more Carol and Lydia to well.. be like mother and daughter or friends. I think of them as “Carol and mini-Carol.” Why should I be invested in them then if it all ends next season and Carol rides off? Idk I'm like, is it bad writing if Caryl spin-off show just be Caryl road-tripping? Idk what I'm saying. I want Carol's/Daryl's story to be good and in character, in end of s11 and spin-off show. Idk... It's like, writing-wise, is Carol always meant (or it’s in-character for her story?) to then look after Lydia and grow old with TF in ASZ..Or was Carol always meant to leave to go to New Mexico away from TF and on the spin-off show( or it’s just show business?) It's almost like there's two endgames that I want with Caryl in s11 and spin-off show. There's two endings on how Caryl's journey ends with TF AND how they will be like in s11 finale/spin-off. Like there’s Caryl and TF’s story ending and Caryl’s TWD show-arcs ending. And will it be in character and be an interesting story? Sigh idk it’s just a lot of hoping and trusting on these writers, and wondering if I still like the story. A lot of changes to get through. 

 Although, I recently read some comments about Carol and Lydia and thought about s11 and the spin-off show. If Lydia isn’t part of the spin-off show, I think I would be okay, story-wise, if Lydia is always meant to be a plot to end Carol’s (TWD show)arc on TWD show. In the finale, Lydia mentioned that they don’t have to be like a mother and daughter which Carol is probably already thinking of it and had this unlucky past with kids. Lydia said they could be friends. Then Carol told Lydia to find her own path, her own way in life. I think the writers are like wrapping or going over the whole Carol and kids arc since s4. Carol have this long traumatic past with kids. Carol wants to protect her/the kids and it’s like Carol realizes that she can’t always protect them, the kids also have to be their own and survive and it’s a rough life. It’s not all Carol’s fault in a way that if/when they die. If that make sense. So with Carol and Lydia since s9f, I feel they have this different adult-kid storyline than Carol with the other kids. I see it as a Carol and mini-Carol storyline. It’s probably all about Carol and all kids/Lydia storyline too. Later in the s10f, Lydia saved Carol, like Carol saved Lydia in s9f. They’re so like similar, mirrored. I’m really interested in them. I think I would be okay if the writers focus on them in s11, if it’s about Carol’s arc-with-kids ends. She learns to not to feel like a bad mother and letting go of this protecting-kids-thing but try her best to protect them and not blame herself. Learn to see how much she grown and love herself by being around Lydia. So yeah just overthinking on this and it would be nice if the writers go there next season because it’s seems like a in-character (TWD show) arc to end for Carol. (I don’t care about Negan and I don’t want the kids with Negan. :\ I also don’t want Daryl to be friends with Negan. maybe just tolerate him.)

Another thing .. Is idk how the Caryl spin-off show will go for Carol and Daryl. At first I'm like whatever they have fun on their road trip but thinking on it and with TWD, I'm like I don't want the spin-off be like a ‘Mcreedus on the road in their costumes show’. Like that's not what the Caryl spin-off show is right? So like I'm overthinking on it I know I am but really .. Now I’m wondering how this spin-off show really goes with Carol and Daryl and still being in-character. I feel there's gonna be some main motivation or arc in spin-off show. The core storyline and character's core storyline. Idk what it is for Caryl/Carol and Daryl. I think of other shows like this and there are reasons to it. Like all of this, it's really a whole new show and it gotta start with all these usual basics in the show. I think of other shows that might be similar to the spin-off show. Right now I'm thinking Avatar:TLA and Telltale games’ (comic) Michonne or TWD game s3: New Frontier (Clementine and Javier). Lol, yeah random. These are I think traveling stories and the main characters have a motivation or whatever. And it’s a hero’s journey/redemption, finding her lil bro(AJ), or with Michonne it was going through stages of grief in six (?) episodes. So my point is I don't want the spin-off show be pointless and OOC and just Mcreedus riding around with no plot. Ok, it’s still a story about Carol and Daryl. Idk what the show’s arc will be about. Maybe it’s them helping people, them finding peace and learn to love themselves. Maybe to find Rick. Idk. I want Carol and Daryl story be good and ended good. And related to Rick's story....I kinda don't mind if Caryl bring the Grimes kids (and Lydia) along. As long as the story is good to me. So, I just wanna point out that it’s still Carol’s and Daryl’s story going on. 

Another thing with Caryl’s relationship, I'm thinking on what makes sense to me on Caryl's relationship is that if the Caryl spin-off show will be them as already a couple. Then I think Caryl should be canon in 10c or s11 finale or earlier. I think to have a spin-off be separated from main TWD, it will go smoothly to me if they are already a couple in the spin-off show. If they don't then I feel the writers lost their chance and/or baiting shippers. I don't feel like waiting for them to be canon in spin-off show, because it's like previous TWD seasons. I find it tiring and boring and it’s the same as before. If they're confirmed as just friends then I feel that the characters' story is wasted or shorten/OOC. They deserved more in their life. It’s not good writing or story to me. And if one finds a bf or gf like... who wants to see that and I guess we assume it won't last that long because Caryl are the mains. It would be OOC to me and not interesting. Anyway, I hope Caryl are a canon couple in the spin-off show by then. Oh I also think the show would be at least 2 seasons. But you know show business u never know.

Oof high expectations. Caryl on.

[aboveallarescuer]

Dany asserting her identity, titles and achievements (to others or herself) and/or moments of pride in general

As I was rereading ASOIAF, I made it my goal to compile all* the book passages demonstrating either certain key attributes of Daenerys Targaryen (e.g. that she's compassionate and smart) or aspects of hers that are usually overstated (e.g. that she's ambitious and prophecy-driven).  Doing such a task may seem exaggerated, but I'd argue it's not, for many, many misconceptions about Dany have become widespread in light of the show's final season's events (and even before).

It must be acknowledged that it can be tricky to reference, say, ADWD passages to counter-argument how she was depicted in season eight (which allegedly follows ADOS events). Dany will have had plenty of character development in the span of two books. However, whatever happens to Dany in the next two books, I would argue that there is more than enough material to conclude that her show counterpart was made to fall for flaws that she (for the most part) never had and actions that she (for the most part) would never take. (and that's not even considering the double standards and the contradictions with what had been shown from show!Dany up until then, but that's obviously out of the scope of these lists)

Another objection to the purpose of these lists is that Game of Thrones is different from A Song of Ice and Fire and should be analyzed on its own, which is a fair point. However, the show is also an adaptation of these books, which begs the questions: why did they change Dany's character? Why did they overfocus on negative traits of hers or depicted them as negative when they weren't supposed to be or gave her negative traits that were never hers to begin with? Another fact that undermines the show=/=books argument is that most people think that the show's ending will be the books', albeit only in broad strokes and in different circumstances. As a result, people's perception of Dany is inevitably influenced by the show, which is a shame.

I hope these lists can be useful for whoever wants to find book passages to defend (or even simply explore different facets of) Dany's character in metas or conversations.

*Well, at least all the passages that I could find in her chapters, which is no guarantee that the effort was perfectly executed, but I did my best.

Also, people could interpret certain passages differently and then come up with a different collection of passages if they ever attempted to make one, so I'm not saying that this list is completely objective (nor that there could ever be one).

Also, some passages have been cut short according to whether they were, IMO, relevant to the specific topic of the list they're in, so the context surrounding them may not always be clear (always read the books and use asearchoficeandfire). Many of them appear in different lists, sometimes fully referenced, sometimes not.

I listed the passages back to front because I felt doing so highlighted Dany's evolution better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To justify the existence of this list, let's see examples of widespread opinions that I feel misrepresent Daenerys Targaryen:

Demanding respect simply because she is the “rightful heir” to the Iron Throne is in her Signature Moves list right up there with Yelling and Burning. As Machiavelli might say: “she trippin". A ruler only gets real power through taking and earning and keeping it, not through inheritance. (Wisecrack)

~

But even Daenerys’ sense of altruism has diminished considerably of late, and she’s been relying on her reputation rather than a desire to inspire love and loyalty. Tywin once told Joffrey that any man who must say “I am the king” is no true king. Meanwhile, Daenerys’ first course of action is always to intimidate with her endless list of titles, even when they can’t possibly help her, as when she’s brought before Khal Moro in “The Red Woman.” (x)

~

Her arc is honest and real and logical. It is a coherent response to her given circumstances and follows her narrative thread coupled with her inherent lust for her own destiny. It both pushes against her gender and is inherently shaped by how others have treated her due to her gender. It is both a result of her victimization and in spite of her trials. She is self-absorbed and self-servicing, and the human tension between ego and selflessness is a huge fulcrum for the story thematically across the board. (x)

~

But the character has been obsessed with the Iron Throne, right from her youth. While, time and again, she has admitted that her father was a homicidal maniac, but that has never discouraged her from leaving her claim to the throne. (x)

~

We are supposed to forget that she is fighting for nothing more than her own sense of entitlement to the throne, like some upper-class brat who loses her family’s fortune and eventually manages to become CEO of her own corporation. (x)

I would argue that her assertion of her titles does not stem from "sense of entitlement to the throne" or from being "self-absorbed" and "self-servicing" or simply for the sake of "intimidating". 

She asserts them when she needs to show other people why she deserves respect (which is, of course, all the more necessary for the sake of her gender) like in ASOS Dany IV; 

She asserts them when she needs to control her fear or emotional pain (AGOT Dany II, ASOS Dany III, ADWD Dany I);

She asserts them to motivate herself (ADWD Dany X); 

She asserts them to take responsibility for carrying them in the first place (ADWD Dany V, ADWD Dany VI, ADWD Dany VIII); 

She even acknowledges their potential negative side (ADWD Dany II, ADWD Dany VIII). 

And let's not forget that, in ADWD Dany IV, when the Green Grace argues for a Dany-Hizdahr marriage by mentioning some of their ancestors, Dany replies that "His forebears are as dead as mine. Will Hizdahr raise their shades to defend Meereen against its enemies? I need a man with ships and swords. You offer me ancestors." 

And these are only examples off the top of my head. My point is that her relationship with power is complex.

IMO, claims like the ones I've linked to certainly cannot be made after reading the books (some can't even after watching the show's first 71 episodes, but the show can be all over the place and ... I digress), so take a look at these passages.

A Dance with Dragons

ADWD Daenerys X

The sun grew hotter as it rose, and before long her head was pounding. Dany’s hair was growing out again, but slowly. “I need a hat,” she said aloud. Up on Dragonstone she had tried to make one for herself, weaving stalks of grass together as she had seen Dothraki women do during her time with Drogo, but either she was using the wrong sort of grass or she simply lacked the necessary skill. Her hats all fell to pieces in her hands. Try again, she told herself. You will do better the next time. You are the blood of the dragon, you can make a hat. She tried and tried, but her last attempt had been no more successful than her first.

~

No, Dany told herself. If I look back I am lost. She might live for years amongst the sunbaked rocks of Dragonstone, riding Drogon by day and gnawing at his leavings every evenfall as the great grass sea turned from gold to orange, but that was not the life she had been born to.

~

Am I dying? Then she saw the pale crescent moon, floating high above the grass, and it came to her that this was no more than her moon blood.

If she had not been so sick and scared, that might have come as a relief. Instead she began to shiver violently. She rubbed her fingers through the dirt, and grabbed a handful of grass to wipe between her legs. The dragon does not weep. She was bleeding, but it was only woman’s blood. The moon is still a crescent, though. How can that be? She tried to remember the last time she had bled. The last full moon? The one before? The one before that? No, it cannot have been so long as that. “I am the blood of the dragon,” she told the grass, aloud.

~

“...I am only a young girl.”

No. You are the blood of the dragon. The whispering was growing fainter, as if Ser Jorah were falling farther behind. Dragons plant no trees. Remember that. Remember who you are, what you were made to be. Remember your words.

“Fire and Blood,” Daenerys told the swaying grass.

ADWD Daenerys IX

When his mouth opened, she could see bits of broken bone and charred flesh between his black teeth. His eyes were molten. I am looking into hell, but I dare not look away. She had never been so certain of anything. If I run from him, he will burn me and devour me.

[...] He is fire made flesh, she thought, and so am I.

ADWD Daenerys VIII

No queen has clean hands, Dany told herself. She thought of Doreah, of Quaro, of Eroeh … of a little girl she had never met, whose name had been Hazzea. Better a few should die in the pit than thousands at the gates. This is the price of peace, I pay it willingly. If I look back, I am lost.

~

You saw me as defeated, Dany thought, and who am I to say that you were wrong?

“...Never trust a sellsword.”

Or a queen, thought Dany.

~

“The dragon has three heads,” Dany said when they were on the final flight. “My marriage need not be the end of all your hopes. I know why you are here.”

“For you,” said Quentyn, all awkward gallantry.

“No,” said Dany. “For fire and blood.”

~

“They are … they are fearsome creatures.”

“They are dragons, Quentyn.” Dany stood on her toes and kissed him lightly, once on each cheek. “And so am I.”

ADWD Daenerys VII

It was close to sunset before Daario Naharis appeared with his new Stormcrows, the Westerosi who had come over to him from the Windblown. Dany found herself glancing at them as yet another petitioner droned on and on. These are my people. I am their rightful queen.

~

“Come back to bed and kiss me.” No one had ever kissed her like Daario Naharis. “I am your queen, and I command you to fuck me.”

She had meant it playfully[.]

~

“...This match will save our city, you will see.”

“So we pray. I want to plant my olive trees and see them fruit.” Does it matter that Hizdahr’s kisses do not please me? Peace will please me. Am I a queen or just a woman?

ADWD Daenerys VI

“Your Grace should not be here, breathing these black humors.”

“I am the blood of the dragon,” Dany reminded him. “Have you ever seen a dragon with the flux?” Viserys had oft claimed that Targaryens were untroubled by the pestilences that afflicted common men, and so far as she could tell, it was true. She could remember being cold and hungry and afraid, but never sick.

ADWD Daenerys V

“Your Grace could not have known—”

“I am the queen. It was my place to know.”

~

“I may be a young girl innocent of war, but I am not a lamb to walk bleating into the harpy’s den. I still have my Unsullied. I have the Stormcrows and the Second Sons. I have three companies of freedmen.”

~

“What of these Astapori?”

My children. “They are coming here for help. For succor and protection. We cannot turn our backs on them.”

Ser Barristan frowned. “Your Grace, I have known the bloody flux to destroy whole armies when left to spread unchecked. The seneschal is right. We cannot have the Astapori in Meereen.”

Dany looked at him helplessly. It was good that dragons did not cry.

ADWD Daenerys IV

"Most queens have no purpose but to warm some king's bed and pop out sons for him. If that's the sort of queen you mean to be, best marry Hizdahr."

Her anger flashed. "Have you forgotten who I am?"

"No. Have you?"

Viserys would have his head off for that insolence. “I am the blood of the dragon. Do not presume to teach me lessons.” When Dany stood, the lion pelt slipped from her shoulders and tumbled to the ground. “Leave me.”

ADWD Daenerys III

“...A child departed Qarth, as lost as she was lovely. I feared she was sailing to her doom, yet now I find her here enthroned, mistress of an ancient city, surrounded by a mighty host that she raised up out of dreams.”

No, she thought, out of blood and fire.

~

“You have grown suspicious, Daenerys.”

Always. “I have grown wise, Xaro.”

~

“Is that meant to frighten me? I lived in fear for fourteen years, my lord. I woke afraid each morning and went to sleep afraid each night … but my fears were burned away the day I came forth from the fire. Only one thing frightens me now.”

“And what is it that you fear, sweet queen?”

“I am only a foolish young girl.” Dany rose on her toes and kissed his cheek. “But not so foolish as to tell you that.

~

If I were a dragon, I could fly to Westeros, she thought when he was gone. I would have no need of Xaro or his ships.

ADWD Daenerys II

Safe. The word made Dany’s eyes fill up with tears. “I want to keep you safe.” Missandei was only a child. With her, she felt as if she could be a child too. “No one ever kept me safe when I was little. Well, Ser Willem did, but then he died, and Viserys … I want to protect you but … it is so hard. To be strong. I don’t always know what I should do. I must know, though. I am all they have. I am the queen … the … the …”

“… mother,” whispered Missandei.

“Mother to dragons.” Dany shivered.

~

She squeezed the water from her silvery hair. “I am half-sick of riddling. In Qarth I was a beggar, but here I am a queen. I command you—”

~

A shadow. A memory. No one. She was the blood of the dragon, but Ser Barristan had warned her that in that blood there was a taint. Could I be going mad? They had called her father mad, once. “I was praying,” she told the Naathi girl. “It will be light soon. I had best eat something, before court.”

~

“I would give Hazzea back to you if I could,” she told the father, “but some things are beyond the power of even a queen. Her bones shall be laid to rest in the Temple of the Graces, and a hundred candles shall burn day and night in her memory. Come back to me each year upon her nameday, and your other children shall not want … but this tale must never pass your lips again.”

~

Mother of dragons, Daenerys thought. Mother of monsters. What have I unleashed upon the world? A queen I am, but my throne is made of burned bones, and it rests on quicksand. Without dragons, how could she hope to hold Meereen, much less win back Westeros? I am the blood of the dragon, she thought. If they are monsters, so am I.

ADWD Daenerys I

“This one has been told that your servant Stalwart Shield sometimes gave coin to the women of the brothels to lie with him and hold him.”

The blood of the dragon does not weep.

~

Daenerys pushed her hair back. “Find these cowards for me. Find them, so that I might teach the Harpy’s Sons what it means to wake the dragon.”

A Storm of Swords

ASOS Daenerys VI

No one was calling her Daenerys the Conqueror yet, but perhaps they would. Aegon the Conqueror had won Westeros with three dragons, but she had taken Meereen with sewer rats and a wooden cock, in less than a day.

~

Yet the thought of seeing Jorah Mormont again made her feel as if she’d swallowed a spoonful of flies; angry, agitated, sick. She could almost feel them buzzing round her belly. I am the blood of the dragon. I must be strong. I must have fire in my eyes when I face them, not tears.

~

She was Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, khaleesi and queen, Mother of Dragons, slayer of warlocks, breaker of chains, and there was no one in the world that she could trust.

ASOS Daenerys V

Worst of all, they had nailed a slave child up on every milepost along the coast road from Yunkai, nailed them up still living with their entrails hanging out and one arm always outstretched to point the way to Meereen. Leading her van, Daario had given orders for the children to be taken down before Dany had to see them, but she had countermanded him as soon as she was told. “I will see them,” she said. “I will see every one, and count them, and look upon their faces. And I will remember.”

By the time they came to Meereen sitting on the salt coast beside her river, the count stood at one hundred and sixty-three. I will have this city, Dany pledged to herself once more.

~

They watched Oznak zo Pahl dismount his white charger, undo his robes, pull out his manhood, and direct a stream of urine in the general direction of the olive grove where Dany’s gold pavilion stood among the burnt trees. He was still pissing when Daario Naharis rode up, arakh in hand. “Shall I cut that off for you and stuff it down his mouth, Your Grace?” His tooth shone gold amidst the blue of his forked beard.

“It’s his city I want, not his meager manhood.” She was growing angry, however. If I ignore this any longer, my own people will think me weak. [...]

High on the walls of Meereen, the jeers had grown louder, and now hundreds of the defenders were taking their lead from the hero and pissing down through the ramparts to show their contempt for the besiegers. They are pissing on slaves, to show how little they fear us, she thought. They would never dare such a thing if it were a Dothraki khalasar outside their gates.

~

Could I love Daario? What would it mean, if I took him into my bed? Would that make him one of the heads of the dragon? Ser Jorah would be angry, she knew, but he was the one who’d said she had to take two husbands. Perhaps I should marry them both and be done with it.

But these were foolish thoughts. She had a city to take, and dreaming of kisses and some sellsword’s bright blue eyes would not help her breach the walls of Meereen. I am the blood of the dragon, Dany reminded herself. Her thoughts were spinning in circles, like a rat chasing its tail.

~

When the horses had been saddled, Dany and her companions set out along the shoreline, away from the city. Even so, she could feel Meereen at her back, mocking her. When she looked over one shoulder, there it stood, the afternoon sun blazing off the bronze harpy atop the Great Pyramid. Inside Meereen the slavers would soon be reclining in their fringed tokars to feast on lamb and olives, unborn puppies, honeyed dormice and other such delicacies, whilst outside her children went hungry. A sudden wild anger filled her. I will bring you down, she swore.

ASOS Daenerys IV

“Woman, you bray like an ass, and make no more sense.”

“Woman?” She chuckled. “Is that meant to insult me? I would return the slap, if I took you for a man.” Dany met his stare. “I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, khaleesi to Drogo’s riders, and queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.”

~

The man on the white camel named himself Grazdan mo Eraz. Lean and hard, he had a white smile such as Kraznys had worn until Drogon burned off his face.

~

When he was gone, Dany threw herself down on her pillows beside her dragons. She had not meant to be so sharp with Ser Jorah, but his endless suspicion had finally woken her dragon.

He will forgive me, she told herself. I am his liege. Dany found herself wondering whether he was right about Daario. She felt very lonely all of a sudden. Mirri Maz Duur had promised that she would never bear a living child. House Targaryen will end with me. That made her sad. “You must be my children,” she told the dragons, “my three fierce children. Arstan says dragons live longer than men, so you will go on after I am dead.”

ASOS Daenerys III

“I am not a child,” she told him. “I am a queen.”

“Yet even queens can err. The Astapori have cheated you, Your Grace. A dragon is worth more than any army. Aegon proved that three hundred years ago, upon the Field of Fire.”

“I know what Aegon proved. I mean to prove a few things of my own.”

~

She stood in her stirrups and raised the harpy’s fingers above her head for all the Unsullied to see. “IT IS DONE!” she cried at the top of her lungs. “YOU ARE MINE!” She gave the mare her heels and galloped along the first rank, holding the fingers high. “YOU ARE THE DRAGON’S NOW! YOU’RE BOUGHT AND PAID FOR! IT IS DONE! IT IS DONE!”

ASOS Daenerys II

Kraznys had commanded them to lay down their spears and shields, and doff their swordbelts and quilted tunics, so the Queen of Westeros might better inspect the lean hardness of their bodies.

~

“Remind your Good Master of who I am. Remind him that I am Daenerys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons, the Unburnt, trueborn queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. My blood is the blood of Aegon the Conqueror, and of old Valyria before him.”

~

“When Aegon the Dragon stepped ashore in Westeros, the kings of Vale and Rock and Reach did not rush to hand him their crowns. If you mean to sit his Iron Throne, you must win it as he did, with steel and dragonfire. And that will mean blood on your hands before the thing is done.”

Blood and fire, thought Dany. The words of House Targaryen. She had known them all her life.

ASOS Daenerys I

No squall could frighten Dany, though. Daenerys Stormborn, she was called, for she had come howling into the world on distant Dragonstone as the greatest storm in the memory of Westeros howled outside, a storm so fierce that it ripped gargoyles from the castle walls and smashed her father’s fleet to kindling.

~

“I ... that was not fitting. I am your queen.”

“My queen,” he said, “and the bravest, sweetest, and most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Daenerys—”

“Your Grace!”

A Clash of Kings

ACOK Daenerys V

She was breaking her fast on a bowl of cold shrimp-and-persimmon soup when Irri brought her a Qartheen gown, an airy confection of ivory samite patterned with seed pearls. “Take it away,” Dany said. “The docks are no place for lady’s finery.”

If the Milk Men thought her such a savage, she would dress the part for them. When she went to the stables, she wore faded sandsilk pants and woven grass sandals. Her small breasts moved freely beneath a painted Dothraki vest, and a curved dagger hung from her medallion belt. Jhiqui had braided her hair Dothraki-fashion, and fastened a silver bell to the end of the braid.

~

When she told a Lyseni on the Trumpeteer that she was Daenerys Stormborn, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, he gave her a deadface look and said, “Aye, and I’m Lord Tywin Lannister and shit gold every night.”

~

She turned back as he reached for his coins, intending to put an end to this mummer’s farce. The blood of the dragon would not be herded through the bazaar by an old man and a fat eunuch.

~

“The great cog Saduleon is berthed at the end of the quay, and the galleys Summer Sun and Joso’s Prank are anchored beyond the breakwater.”

Three heads has the dragon, Dany thought, wondering. “I shall tell my people to make ready to depart at once. But the ships that bring me home must bear different names.”

“As you wish,” said Arstan. “What names would you prefer?”

“Vhagar,” Daenerys told him. “Meraxes. And Balerion. Paint the names on their hulls in golden letters three feet high, Arstan. I want every man who sees them to know the dragons are returned.”

ACOK Daenerys IV

Ser Jorah Mormont gave the merchant prince a sour look. “Your Grace, remember Mirri Maz Duur.”

“I do,” Dany said, suddenly decided. “I remember that she had knowledge. And she was only a maegi.”

Pyat Pree smiled thinly. “The child speaks as sagely as a crone. Take my arm, and let me lead you.”

“I am no child.” Dany took his arm nonetheless.

~

The blood of the dragon must not be afraid. Dany said a quick prayer, begging the Warrior for courage and the Dothraki horse god for strength. She made herself walk forward.

ACOK Daenerys III

“Did you weep?”

“The blood of the dragon does not weep,” she said testily.

Xaro sighed. “You ought to have wept.” The Qartheen wept often and easily; it was considered a mark of the civilized man.

~

Part of her would have liked nothing more than to lead her people back to Vaes Tolorro, and make the dead city bloom. No, that is defeat. I have something Viserys never had. I have the dragons. The dragons are all the difference.

~

Even so, it would be years before they were large enough to take to war. And they must be trained as well, or they will lay my kingdom waste. For all her Targaryen blood, Dany had not the least idea of how to train a dragon.

~

“If you go west, you risk your life.”

“House Targaryen has friends in the Free Cities,” she reminded him. “Truer friends than Xaro or the Pureborn.”

~

“Illyrio believes in no cause but Illyrio. Gluttons are greedy men as a rule, and magisters are devious. Illyrio Mopatis is both. What do you truly know of him?”

“I know that he gave me my dragon eggs.”

He snorted. “If he’d known they were like to hatch, he would have sat on them himself.”

That made her smile despite herself. “Oh, I have no doubt of that, ser. I know Illyrio better than you think. I was a child when I left his manse in Pentos to wed my sun-and-stars, but I was neither deaf nor blind. And I am no child now.”

~

“Sellswords have their uses,” Ser Jorah admitted, “but you will not win your father’s throne with sweepings from the Free Cities. Nothing knits a broken realm together so quick as an invading army on its soil.”

“I am their rightful queen,” Dany protested.

“You are a stranger who means to land on their shores with an army of outlanders who cannot even speak the Common Tongue. The lords of Westeros do not know you, and have every reason to fear and mistrust you. You must win them over before you sail. A few at least.”

~

I am afraid, she realized, but I must be brave.

ACOK Daenerys II

“The only palace I desire is the red castle at King’s Landing, my lord Pyat.” Dany was wary of the warlock; the maegi Mirri Maz Duur had soured her on those who played at sorcery. “And if the great of Qarth would give me gifts, Xaro, let them give me ships and swords to win back what is rightfully mine.”

~

“I am not the frightened girl you met in Pentos. I have counted only fifteen name days, true ... but I am as old as the crones in the dosh khaleen and as young as my dragons, Jorah. I have borne a child, burned a khal, and crossed the red waste and the Dothraki sea. Mine is the blood of the dragon.”

“As was your brother’s,” he said stubbornly.

“I am not Viserys.”

“No,” he admitted. “There is more of Rhaegar in you, I think, but even Rhaegar could be slain. Robert proved that on the Trident, with no more than a warhammer. Even dragons can die.”

“Dragons die.” She stood on her toes to kiss him lightly on an unshaven cheek. “But so do dragonslayers.”

ACOK Daenerys I

A living dragon is beyond price. In all the world, there are only three. Every man who sees them will want them, my queen.”

“They are mine,” she said fiercely. They had been born from her faith and her need, given life by the deaths of her husband and unborn son and the maegi Mirri Maz Duur. Dany had walked into the flames as they came forth, and they had drunk milk from her swollen breasts. “No man will take them from me while I live.”

~

“We follow the comet,” Dany told her khalasar. Once it was said, no word was raised against it. They had been Drogo’s people, but they were hers now. The Unburnt, they called her, and Mother of Dragons. Her word was their law.

~

Dany kissed him lightly on the cheek. It heartened her to see him smile. I must be strong for him as well, she thought grimly. A knight he may be, but I am the blood of the dragon.

A Game of Thrones

AGOT Daenerys X

“Princess ...” he began.

“Why do you call me that?” Dany challenged him. “My brother Viserys was your king, was he not?”

“He was, my lady.”

“Viserys is dead. I am his heir, the last blood of House Targaryen. Whatever was his is mine now.”

“My ... queen,” Ser Jorah said, going to one knee.

~

“You do not mean to die with him? You swear it, my queen?”

“I swear it,” she said in the Common Tongue of the Seven Kingdoms that by rights were hers.

~

Dany called the Dothraki around her. Fewer than a hundred were left. How many had Aegon started with? she wondered. It did not matter.

~

Her bath was scalding hot when Irri helped her into the tub, but Dany did not flinch or cry aloud. She liked the heat. It made her feel clean. Jhiqui had scented the water with the oils she had found in the market in Vaes Dothrak; the steam rose moist and fragrant. [...] Dany closed her eyes and let the smell and the warmth enfold her. She could feel the heat soaking through the soreness between her thighs. She shuddered when it entered her, and her pain and stiffness seemed to dissolve. She floated.

~

The heat beat at the air with great red wings, driving the Dothraki back, driving off even Mormont, but Dany stood her ground. She was the blood of the dragon, and the fire was in her.

~

No, she wanted to shout to him, no, my good knight, do not fear for me. The fire is mine. I am Daenerys Stormborn, daughter of dragons, bride of dragons, mother of dragons, don’t you see? Don’t you SEE?

AGOT Daenerys IX

“Eroeh?” asked Dany, remembering the frightened child she had saved outside the city of the Lamb Men.

“Mago seized her, who is Khal Jhaqo’s bloodrider now,” said Jhogo. “He mounted her high and low and gave her to his khal, and Jhaqo gave her to his other bloodriders. They were six. When they were done with her, they cut her throat.”

“It was her fate, Khaleesi,” said Aggo.


If I look back I am lost. “It was a cruel fate,” Dany said, “yet not so cruel as Mago’s will be. I promise you that, by the old gods and the new, by the lamb god and the horse god and every god that lives. I swear it by the Mother of Mountains and the Womb of the World. Before I am done with them, Mago and Ko Jhaqo will plead for the mercy they showed Eroeh.”

The Dothraki exchanged uncertain glances. “Khaleesi,” the handmaid Irri explained, as if to a child, “Jhaqo is a khal now, with twenty thousand riders at his back.”

She lifted her head. “And I am Daenerys Stormhorn, Daenerys of House Targaryen, of the blood of Aegon the Conqueror and Maegor the Cruel and old Valyria before them. I am the dragon’s daughter, and I swear to you, these men will die screaming. Now bring me to Khal Drogo.”

AGOT Daenerys VIII

[“]Do you trust your khas? Will they come with us?”

“Khal Drogo commanded them to keep me safe,” Dany replied uncertainly, “but if he dies ...” She touched the swell of her belly. “I don’t understand. Why should we flee? I am khaleesi. I carry Drogo’s heir. He will be khal after Drogo ...”

~

“Rein in your tongue, bloodrider. The princess is still your khaleesi.”

“Only while the blood-of-my-blood still lives,” Qotho told the knight. “When he dies, she is nothing.”


Dany felt a tightness inside her. “Before I was khaleesi, I was the blood of the dragon. Ser Jorah, summon my khas.”


~

“Is there no other way?”

“No other.”

Khal Drogo gave a shuddering gasp.

“Do it,” Dany blurted. She must not be afraid; she was the blood of the dragon. “Save him.”

“There is a price,” the godswife warned her.

“You’ll have gold, horses, whatever you like.”

“It is not a matter of gold or horses. This is bloodmagic, lady. Only death may pay for life.”

“Death?” Dany wrapped her arms around herself protectively, rocked back and forth on her heels. “My death?” She told herself she would die for him, if she must. She was the blood of the dragon, she would not be afraid. Her brother Rhaegar had died for the woman he loved.

~

“Khaleesi,” he pleaded, “you must not do this thing. Let me kill this maegi.”

“Kill her and you kill your khal,” Dany said.

“This is bloodmagic,” he said. “It is forbidden.”

“I am khaleesi, and I say it is not forbidden. In Vaes Dothrak, Khal Drogo slew a stallion and I ate his heart, to give our son strength and courage. This is the same. The same.”

AGOT Daenerys VII

“You cannot claim them all, child,” Ser Jorah said, the fourth time they stopped, while the warriors of her khas herded her new slaves behind her.

“I am khaleesi, heir to the Seven Kingdoms, the blood of the dragon,” Dany reminded him. “It is not for you to tell me what I cannot do.” Across the city, a building collapsed in a great gout of fire and smoke, and she heard distant screams and the wailing of frightened children.

~

“If your warriors would mount these women, let them take them gently and keep them for wives. Give them places in the khalasar and let them bear you sons.”

Qotho was ever the cruelest of the bloodriders. It was he who laughed. “Does the horse breed with the sheep?”

Something in his tone reminded her of Viserys. Dany turned on him angrily. “The dragon feeds on horse and sheep alike.”

AGOT Daenerys VI

If I were not the blood of the dragon, she thought wistfully, this could be my home. She was khaleesi, she had a strong man and a swift horse, handmaids to serve her, warriors to keep her safe, an honored place in the dosh khaleen awaiting her when she grew old ... and in her womb grew a son who would one day bestride the world. That should be enough for any woman ... but not for the dragon. With Viserys gone, Daenerys was the last, the very last. She was the seed of kings and conquerors, and so too the child inside her. She must not forget.

~

Dany was near tears as they carried her back. The taste in her mouth was one she had known before: fear. For years she had lived in terror of Viserys, afraid of waking the dragon. This was even worse. It was not just for herself that she feared now, but for her baby. He must have sensed her fright, for he moved restlessly inside her. Dany stroked the swell of her belly gently, wishing she could reach him, touch him, soothe him. “You are the blood of the dragon, little one,” she whispered as her litter swayed along, curtains drawn tight. “You are the blood of the dragon, and the dragon does not fear.”

~

“Was it the Usurper?”

“Yes.” The knight drew out a folded parchment. “A letter to Viserys, from Magister Illyrio. Robert Baratheon offers lands and lordships for your death, or your brother’s.”

“My brother?” Her sob was half a laugh. “He does not know yet, does he? The Usurper owes Drogo a lordship.” This time her laugh was half a sob. She hugged herself protectively. “And me, you said. Only me?”

“You and the child,” Ser Jorah said, grim.

“No. He cannot have my son.” She would not weep, she decided. She would not shiver with fear. The Usurper has woken the dragon now, she told herself ... and her eyes went to the dragon’s eggs resting in their nest of dark velvet.

AGOT Daenerys V

She must not flinch or look afraid. I am the blood of the dragon, she told herself as she took the stallion’s heart in both hands, lifted it to her mouth, and plunged her teeth into the tough, stringy flesh.

Warm blood filled her mouth and ran down over her chin. The taste threatened to gag her, but she made herself chew and swallow. The heart of a stallion would make her son strong and swift and fearless, or so the Dothraki believed, but only if the mother could eat it all. If she choked on the blood or retched up the flesh, the omens were less favorable; the child might be stillborn, or come forth weak, deformed, or female.

~

And finally it was done. Her cheeks and fingers were sticky as she forced down the last of it. Only then did she turn her eyes back to the old women, the crones of the dosh khaleen.

“Khalakka dothrae mr’anha!” she proclaimed in her best Dothraki. A prince rides inside me! She had practiced the phrase for days with her handmaid Jhiqui.

AGOT Daenerys IV

The water was scalding hot, as she liked it.

~

The Dothraki would respect him more if he looked less a beggar, she hoped, and perhaps he would forgive her for shaming him that day in the grass. He was still her king, after all, and her brother. They were both blood of the dragon.

~

“Next you’ll want to braid my hair.”

“I’d never ... ” Why was he always so cruel? She had only wanted to help. “You have no right to a braid, you have won no victories yet.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Fury shone from his lilac eyes, yet he dared not strike her, not with her handmaids watching and the warriors of her khas outside. Viserys picked up the cloak and sniffed at it. “This stinks of manure. Perhaps I shall use it as a horse blanket.”

“I had Doreah sew it specially for you,” she told him, wounded. “These are garments fit for a khal.” “I am the Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, not some grass-stained savage with bells in his hair,” Viserys spat back at her. He grabbed her arm. “You forget yourself, slut. Do you think that big belly will protect you if you wake the dragon?”

His fingers dug into her arm painfully and for an instant Dany felt like a child again, quailing in the face of his rage. She reached out with her other hand and grabbed the first thing she touched, the belt she’d hoped to give him, a heavy chain of ornate bronze medallions. She swung it with all her strength.

It caught him full in the face. Viserys let go of her. Blood ran down his cheek where the edge of one of the medallions had sliced it open. “You are the one who forgets himself,” Dany said to him. “Didn’t you learn anything that day in the grass? Leave me now, before I summon my khas to drag you out. And pray that Khal Drogo does not hear of this, or he will cut open your belly and feed you your own entrails.”

AGOT Daenerys III

“Wait here,” Dany told Ser Jorah. “Tell them all to stay. Tell them I command it.”

The knight smiled. Ser Jorah was not a handsome man. He had a neck and shoulders like a bull, and coarse black hair covered his arms and chest so thickly that there was none left for his head. Yet his smiles gave Dany comfort. “You are learning to talk like a queen, Daenerys.”

“Not a queen,” said Dany. “A khaleesi.” She wheeled her horse about and galloped down the ridge alone.

The descent was steep and rocky, but Dany rode fearlessly, and the joy and the danger of it were a song in her heart. All her life Viserys had told her she was a princess, but not until she rode her silver had Daenerys Targaryen ever felt like one.

~

“What do you pray for, Ser Jorah?” she asked him.

“Home,” he said. His voice was thick with longing.

“I pray for home too,” she told him, believing it.

Ser Jorah laughed. “Look around you then, Khaleesi.”

But it was not the plains Dany saw then. It was King’s Landing and the great Red Keep that Aegon the Conqueror had built. It was Dragonstone where she had been born. In her mind’s eye they burned with a thousand lights, a fire blazing in every window. In her mind’s eye, all the doors were red.

~

“He could not lead an army even if my lord husband gave him one,” Dany said. “He has no coin and the only knight who follows him reviles him as less than a snake. The Dothraki make mock of his weakness. He will never take us home.”

“Wise child.” The knight smiled.

“I am no child,” she told him fiercely. Her heels pressed into the sides of her mount, rousing the silver to a gallop. Faster and faster she raced, leaving Jorah and Irri and the others far behind, the warm wind in her hair and the setting sun red on her face. By the time she reached the khalasar, it was dusk.

~

There is no privacy in the heart of the khalasar. Dany felt the eyes on her as she undressed him, heard the soft voices as she did the things that Doreah had told her to do. It was nothing to her. Was she not khaleesi? His were the only eyes that mattered, and when she mounted him she saw something there that she had never seen before. She rode him as fiercely as ever she had ridden her silver, and when the moment of his pleasure came, Khal Drogo called out her name.

AGOT Daenerys II

Dany had never felt so alone as she did seated in the midst of that vast horde. Her brother had told her to smile, and so she smiled until her face ached and the tears came unbidden to her eyes. She did her best to hide them, knowing how angry Viserys would be if he saw her crying, terrified of how Khal Drogo might react. [...]

There was no one to talk to. Khal Drogo shouted commands and jests down to his bloodriders, and laughed at their replies, but he scarcely glanced at Dany beside him. They had no common language. Dothraki was incomprehensible to her, and the khal knew only a few words of the bastard Valyrian of the Free Cities, and none at all of the Common Tongue of the Seven Kingdoms. She would even have welcomed the conversation of Illyrio and her brother, but they were too far below to hear her.

So she sat in her wedding silks, nursing a cup of honeyed wine, afraid to eat, talking silently to herself. I am blood of the dragon, she told herself. I am Daenerys Stormborn, Princess of Dragonstone, of the blood and seed of Aegon the Conqueror.

~

She was afraid of her brother, of what he might do if she failed him. Most of all, she was afraid of what would happen tonight under the stars, when her brother gave her up to the hulking giant who sat drinking beside her with a face as still and cruel as a bronze mask. I am the blood of the dragon, she told herself again.

~

“Please him, sweet sister, or I swear, you will see the dragon wake as it has never woken before.”

The fear came back to her then, with her brother’s words. She felt like a child once more, only thirteen and all alone, not ready for what was about to happen to her.

They rode out together as the stars came out, leaving the khalasar and the grass palaces behind. Khal Drogo spoke no word to her, but drove his stallion at a hard trot through the gathering dusk. The tiny silver bells in his long braid rang softly as he rode. “I am the blood of the dragon,” she whispered aloud as she followed, trying to keep her courage up. “I am the blood of the dragon. I am the blood of the dragon.” The dragon was never afraid.

AGOT Daenerys I

The girl pulled the rough cotton tunic over Dany’s head and helped her into the tub. The water was scalding hot, but Daenerys did not flinch or cry out. She liked the heat. It made her feel clean. Besides, her brother had often told her that it was never too hot for a Targaryen. “Ours is the house of the dragon,” he would say. “The fire is in our blood.”

[ziracona]

Might be to early to ask but do you think the Twins, or at least Charlotte, are redeemable? And how does Elodie interact with the group

Yeah, definitely. According to the new canon, Charlotte thinks/sees the survivors as the cultists who tortured her and her brother and got Victor killed. She got some people killed and killed some when stealing food, in self-dense (ish, since well, she was robbing. But imo if you’re starving and break in & someone attacks you you’re still acting in self defense basically) or in a panic. Which isn’t great, but she’s not evil and she lived a scared and fucked up life and has no reason to expect anybody won’t be like the people who burned her mom alive as a witch or tortured her and her brother. She’s one of the feral killers, all of whom I think are quite redeemable. Like most of them, it’d probably take a /lot/ of work to get her to give anyone enough of a chance to recognize anything good in them at all or be reached, or would take some extreme circumstances, but it definitely could happen. And the poor girl deserves some rehabilitation and love and help. : (

Victor, on the other hand, is harder to parse. As far as I can tell, from how the lore reads, he’s not actually Victor. If he was, I’d put him in the same camp as Charlotte. But since he’s almost definitely not, I see it playing out one of two ways. Since Victor is like I am 80% sure something the Entity made, like the crows but way more evil and destructive, and intelligent enough to be able to follow orders well and convince Charlotte he’s who he’s pretending to be, either any attempt to rehabilitate or befriend Charlotte ends with her having to eventually confront both her brother’s real death, which she never did even when he was a corpse hanging off her, finally come to terms and be at peace with it and love him but let him go and find a way to keep living, plus an epic showdown with Fake Victor and rejection of the lies the Entity fed her and it’s using her and fake paradise and fulfilled dream, in a kinda big “You call boats she, Georgie” moment for her, or.

Option #2, which I like just as much. In which, while an evil intentioned extension of the Entity like the crows, Victor is a living being, created construct or no, and makes better choices. We know from the crows that the Entity living creations are still alive in and of themselves and have some amount of free will, proven in that crows like Jake to the point crows will listen to Calm Spirit over Spies From the Shadows and ignore their singular created purpose in order to protect him. And I see no reason Victor couldn’t eventually, created to be feral and vicious and cruel or no, grow attached to the sister he pretends to know and love who loves him so utterly and truly, and he does get to know. I’m sure she, like Jake is to the crows, is infinitely kinder and better to him than the Entity is. And see no reason, especially as something made with human levels of cognition and processing, he couldn’t decide to try to help her/choose her and anyone she allied with or anyone else who happened to be genuinely kind enough to him to matter, over the Entity. And Charlotte would still have to confront her real brother’s death and I’m sure the deception would be awful, but as something treated like she was created to be a monster her whole life, I think she’d have empathy for something created for that exact purpose that just wanted to love her and have a family and a normal life and be better than what people said, and I think they could be the start of a real sweet found family together.

Can’t decide which I like better though. Maaaybe two, because I’m such a sucker for any construct/robot/golem/clone/monster gains sentience/humanity/free will and self narratives. They’re just *chef kiss* SO good. :’-] But god, the epic showdown drama of #1. Especially with a This is the Bad Place evil grin of “Oh hell yes I am not Victor and I love this game I’ve been playing” mmm the mental cinematography. I keep trying to think of a way to just give him a really long redemption arc and do at least part of both, but they may work better as separate interpretations. Mmmm. 🤔 I’ll keep in it.

Anyway! That’s my thoughts on the twins. As for Élodie, since she super lets David just die and doesn’t kick the little one off him, I’m gonna assume that while she has a lot of knowledge and experience with risky cult stuff, she’s not been in many actual high-pressure-high-danger situations, and has a really hard time adjusting initially. Probably watching her family get taken and having just been stabbed for the first time and almost died right before being taken, the initial PTSD trauma threshold is even higher than for most of them, and she’s super miserable. But I expect after a while, especially with all the survivors there with experience and empathy, she is able to hit a stride and get a little more practice and courage and comfort, and it gets easier. And when she breaks out of the freeze response to fight/flight/freeze, she gets very invested in the heavy research team stuff with Tapp/Claudette/Dwight/Zarina/Adam/Jane/Quentin/Cheryl/Felix, and is an invaluable contribution. I expect reuniting with Felix is awkward af, especially since while I have no idea if he blames her for the loss of his parents, I am sure she would assume he does, and probably she feels immense guilt for all of it. I don t he does though, or that if he does, he wouldn’t get over it pretty fast after watching how much she’s suffering. And I think after he reached out, they’d bond really well over their shared history and trauma, and it’d be really good emotionally for both of them. I have always HC’d since she’s from Montreal, Claudette speaks French too, so I think Élodie and she would get along well too, and enjoy being able to chat in a second language. And probably all the researchers would vibe pretty well with her. I think also if she had a really hard time initially adjusting, the specifically protective survivors (David, Tapp, Bill, Kate, Yui, Quentin, Zarina) would absolutely be all over trying to help her in trials and help her make it over the learning curves. Also, all the survivors attracted to ladies would think she’s hot (Sans Felix, who is a good man who’d never cheat on his wife, and Nancy, who I think is the only other one w a s/o back home?Kinda Quentin I guess but I mean like, a steady. And not the people more than twenty years her senior [Ace Ash Tapp Bill] bc they got boundaries. But still.) And I am sure Meg, Nea, and Feng in particular are living their best lives because have you seen her? Overall, I think she loosens up and has a good sense of humor and makes friends pretty well, although she can also snap to laser-focus on a subject with 0 warning and does, but it’s kinda awesome to watch.

[la-paritalienne]

Eve!!!! Need your thoughts about Taylor's album!!!! 💓💓💓💓💓💓

i love getting asked :”(((((( :”))))))) thank uuuuuuuu. let’s get to it. as usual, it’s an almost-first impression (normally i write my basic thoughts during the first listen – yeah i’d started doing it before getting this, you know, just in case – and then i review them w a second one, where i also select my favourite passage). sooo, let’s go

♡♡♡♡

the 1 — such sweet yet heartbreaking lyrics... very soft sound, if it sets the mood for the album im 100 per cent in! This one didn’t stick w me after one listen, but after the second i was like wooow! I love how she says waking up alone ughhh. 8

fave lyrics: persist and resist the temptation to ask you / if one thing had been different / would everything be different today?

cardigan — !!!!!!! the sound has that bittersweet something that gets under your skin and makes you nostalgic for something you can’t even pinpoint. it reminds me of the softest lana, especially in nfr (eg bartender!!). i’m in awe. instant obsession!!!! the ending takes you to another plane of existence – ‘cause i knew everything when i was young... i knew you’d miss me... you’d come back to me. also i’m crying. 10+

[it’s hard to choose bc the whole song reads like poetry but i’m especially obsessed w] giving me your weekends; once in twenty lifetimes; tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy; you drew stars around my scars

the last great american dynasty — storytelling on pointttt and sound, too! telling the story of someone she bought her house from?? the genius jumped out. she paints it like a romantic portrait, mad woman pacing on the shore, but then also gatsbian, the crazy parties, dali... and then takes it back to today w the key lime green dog, idk, iconic. i want to know this woman. this song truly takes you somewhere else, i thought it was a bit repetitive but then the bridge came in and the final vocals plus i had a marvelous time ruining everything, i have to stan! 8+

there goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen / she had a marvelous time ruining everything

exile — ok wow, bon iver’s voice is something else!!!! i was kind of ignorant when it came to him, i admit. his depth and rasp paired with how angelic she sounds... heavenly. sound-wise, but also thematically, this vaguely reminds me of tomorrow never came w lana and sean ono lennon. (one of my fave songs of all time maybe?). the way they enunciate i think i’ve seen this film before is literally a work of art all in itself, not to mention – well i’m mentioning it bc it’s worth it! – the you never gave a warning sign vs the way she goes over it w i gave so many signs. god this makes me feel sooooo sad and like, involved. it’s so beautiful. 10

you’re not my homeland anymore / so what am i defending now?

my tears ricochet — ok wtfffff??? everything about this speaks to my soul. the airy voice, the way she sets the scene... sunlit room, the funeral metaphor, you turned into your worst fears. i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace speaks to me more than anything, but just, everything about the lyrics. truly something else, cursing my name / wishing i stayed gives me chills everytime she says it. the beat that gets more insistent towards the end, with the bridge....... the high notes that then fade..... just wow. 10

and i can go anywhere i want / anywhere i want, just not home / and you can aim for my heart, go for blood / but you would still miss me in your bones / and i still talk to you when i’m screaming at the sky / and when you can’t sleep at night you hear my stolen lullabies

mirrorball — love the lyrics, maybe a bit less the sound? i mean i do love the sound, so far i’m loving how softly produced and coherent this album is, but this one i wouldn’t listen to on repeat and maybe there’s something a bit whiny that i don’t love. powerful meaning tho, and who’d use a mirrorball as a metaphor for feeling like you’re fragile, trying too hard to be a people-pleaser and no one sees the real you? 7

i’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me

seven — ah........ i started crying as soon as this one started, pleeease picture me in the trees, i hit my peak at seven....... like ok there’s no need to go that hard??? it’s so dreamy and like... naïf? in a perfect way. the way she says i still got love for you...... and everything else... she mentions folk songs... the purest love described in the purest way. i don’t think i have enough words to descrive the way this song moves me. like i want to listen to it again and again, to be able to feel like that again, but also i’m almost scared to listen bc it touches me too deeply. i still will tho hehe. 10+ (also just realised this is track 7 ok makes sense but my mind is blown. 100)

[this is literally deeper than a shakespeare sonnet so everything literally is my fave but, having to choose] and i’ve been meaning to tell you / i think your house is haunted / your dad is always mad and that must be why / and i think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates / then you won’t have to cry / or hide in the closet / and just like a folk song / our love will be passed on

august — i love the contrast between the lighthearted, happy singing and guitars and the sad lyrics. the story it tells is so simple and yet there’s so much poetry in that... plus it reminds me of fearless or even speak now?? which are like. the taylor that gets to my heart, tbh. the bridge and the outro made the song for me. 8,5

for me, it was enough / to live for the hope of it all / canceled plans just in case you’d call

this is me trying — oh god... lyrically this song is so raw and honest, it gives me chills! i do have to say, i don’t love how she says i just wanted to know (like metrically?? idk, im weird) but these are really just small comments on amazing songs, bc i feel like all i’m saying is wow this is great, lyrics and sound, but it truly is a complete and consistent work of art, easily listened to top to bottom each time. 8-

they told me all of my cages were mental / so got wasted like all my potential / and my words shoot to kill when i’m mad / i have a lot of regrets about that

illicit affairs — ok this goes without saying but i love storyteller taylor, it’s the taylor i grew up loving and singing to in my room. the thing about most of these songs, this one included, is that they probably grow on you after a few listens, bc they’re not made to be catchy, the production and backgrounds are always very soft and some i love more than others. this one musically maybe isn’t my fave but the narration is on point, and the bridge?? the fuckkkk. plus it has one of mt favourite themes ever which is so rarely spoken about, which is the fact that language you only speak w a particular someone you love, makes you miss them even more when they’re gone. or well not exactly this but i can’t put it into words, she did tho. 8+

you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else / and you know damn well / for you, i would ruin myself / a million little times

invisible string — the color theme!!! the guitar strumming!!! and the idea of an invisible tie w someone special... i do think she outdid herself w this album. again, not my fave soundwise, maybe slightly whiny when she goes meEeeEee? but, lyrically adorable and moving. 7,5

one single thread of gold / tied me to you

mad woman — maam...... this is iconic shit........ how could she say stuff like this w such a dreamy, breathy voice. musically i get huuuge lana’a nfr vibes again (which i mean. goals) but i also adore that lyrically it’s so taylor, no one would say this shit the way she does. adore how she sings to wrap your news around and bonus for women like hunting witches too, i do love me a nod to the fact that some women are so deeply filled w machism that they’re basically men in disguise. 8,5 

every time you call me crazy, i get more crazy / what about that? / and when you say i seem angry, i get more angry [isn’t this just womanhood condensed in a few lines]

epiphany — aw! it sounds like a lullaby, maybe it’s slightly ‘boring’ for my taste? meaning i get distracted which is surely a shame bc the words seem beautiful, but it’s so soft i just drift off? but reading the lyrics – for focus hehe – i’m moved. 7+

only twenty minutes to sleep / but you dream of some epiphany / just one single glimpse of relief / to make some sense of what you’ve seen

betty — okay byeeeeeeeeee. this is taylor at her finest! countryyyyyyyy, storytelling, lesbian jdjdfk no yeah I know I knowww, romance went sour. gut wrenching and beautiful, this feels like... watching a sad teen movie but w a sepia filter, idk. i dreamt of you all summer long oh my......... it’s like og taylor from her iconic first couple of albums came back but w all her baggage and growth and experience and better than ever. also why does taylor sing so wel about being in love w a woman????? well. 10+

betty, right now is the last time / i can dream about what happens when / you see my face again

peace — ..........yes yes yes. the high notes, the honesty, the syncopated parts where she says so much so quick and yet it still hits you. it’s not even a short song but it ends too soon, it goes by like that..... a poem. omg it just hit me this has flo vibes! especially from high as hope, for example grace or south london forever?? i mean... taylor doing alt folk country pop...... queen. give you my wild, give you a child?? ok ok. 10

all these people think love’s for show / but i would die for you in secret

hoax — weeeell the lana inspo jumped out w that piano!!!!! and like. mood. and lyrics...... this reminds me of wuthering heights or of lana’s tormented love stories (shades of blue.....). a powerful closer. poetry. 9

i am ash from your fire

♡♡♡♡

okkkkk this was a flattering review, very well deserved imo since the review is mine gjgjhkhk i agree w myself. thank you again and as i always say, feel free to come back w your comments! and have a great dayyyyy! much love

[destiny-smasher]

I used to be close friends with one of the composers for Steven Universe. I watched them rise from a YouTube remixer living in a cramped bedroom in a shared apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor and a keyboard beside it to owning a house, happily married with a whole backyard garden and a cat because they found success working on one of the biggest cartoon shows I’ve known. But they broke off that friendship earlier this year and it’s made my biased love for Steven Universe become very difficult to grasp with. Understanding how and why we weren’t friends anymore was likewise difficult to grasp, even after hours of us trying to hash things out and resolve it. And while we DID resolve things amicably (I hope) and peacefully, it wasn’t until Steven Universe: The Movie that I was really able to feel like I could see the forest from the trees and ‘get’ what happened. This will be a kind of review of the movie, but mostly it became more of a personal ramble relating my real life experiences with Aivi to those of characters within SU, especially the antagonist of the Movie. This is lifted from this Twitter thread, so it was originally written stream of consciousness and I’m sharing it here to keep it more readable and archived. This is a bit of a read so tucking it behind a ‘read more.’

--

"You keep on turning pages for people who don't care about you And still it takes you ages to see that no one's there Everyone's gone on without you"

Time to finally talk about the #StevenUniverse Movie. Strap in 'cause this gon' get personal.

It should go without saying BUT I am gonna be talking about the movie! Dunno how in detail per se but I can't properly say what I wanna say without diving into some of the important plotty stuff. So yea.

Don't read this thread if ya don't want #spoilers #sumovie 

First off, I wanna talk about what this movie does well. Going in, I had heard it was framed like a musical. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea, though it wasn't surprising. After all, the 'musical' style episodes tend to resonate quite a lot. 

I think they work great when it's one song in a 10 minute episode, but an hour and a half of songs? I wasn't sure how well that would go. Turns out, pretty well. This is due to many factors but primarily the variety of song styles and art styles used throughout. Basically every scene has a primary song that drives it home, and basically all of them have a different genre/tone as well as visual presentation style. A lot of work went into getting it all to work together and feel cohesive. TBH for me personally the main highlight of the movie was honestly the animation. Average TV goers might just see "yup sure looks like a cartoon" but on the whole, on average, the movie is CLEARLY animated and framed with much more dynamism and detail than the majority of SU. Getting to see these characters we've gotten to know over the past few years a couple years in the future, generally at peace with things, but animated with more detail than ever, THAT is the true highlight of the film for me. Naturally, there was a lot of bits of comedy, often relying on knowledge of what the characters have been through, and I felt a lot of bittersweet smiles throughout as this felt like a good send off for Steven and his Space Moms. It managed to work in cameos from basically everyone you'd expect, some of which...didn't work out as well as others (specifically, the Diamonds bookending the movie was a bit forced and weird IMO but they ARE important to the lore even if I find them boring tbh) It was nice getting to 'catch up' with everyone, and the plot itself uses a generic 'gotta save the world again' thing (bleh) in a creative way, at least -- it all becomes an excuse to "re-live" the four primary heroes' stories through song. Cool enough. Something the movie inadvertently highlights, however, is the fact that SU as a series really started spinning its wheels a lot for its second half, in particular. Much has been said about how and why and why or not this doesn't matter, etc. etc. I was just along for the ride. I've repeatedly expressed my personal bias in the series' favor for a long time, and now? I kinda don't really have that personal bias anymore. I still love the show, I still think it's one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. But those rose-tinted glasses are off now. Taking said glasses off and actually listening to and looking up what critics of the show had to say kind of unearthed a bunch of things I had kept sweeping under the rug for the sake of personal bias/support of someone I loved and cared for a lot. We'll get back to that. I say all of this because the movie ironically failed to do much of anything NEW, something the series itself kind of struggled with for a while until it finally got around to the conclusion of Steven's story arc. The film ultimately kind of ends with "yeah Steven can change!" Which, um yea? Obviously. He's a completely different person than he was in S1. But he's kiiiiinda been the same person for....some while now. The weird irony of SU as a series is that about halfway through the narrative, the protag has essentially grown up, done. The last half or third or so of SU's narrative was basically Steven having to cheer everyone around him up and help them deal with their shit, and...kinda just going about that essentially the same way every time. The power of love, the friends we made along the way, etc. To be clear, there's nothing BAD about this, and in fact it's what sets Steven apart from most every other narrative of this type. The protag is almost always forced to change in ways they don't want, do things they don't want to do, etc. But when you put it side by side with something like Avatar or Gravity Falls, those series saw everyone growing alongside each other. There are clear arcs for everyone, almost all of which get resolved in ways fitting each character. It's imperfect but it's varied. SU has a tendency to just...hammer everyone's character flaws and arcs with ONE option: just love yourself and be nice, and everyyyyyyythinggggg 'll work out in the end! Which is fine, but when a story does it for so long, over and over, always the same, it gets a bit weird. I specifically LIKED in the film, at the end, that Steven actually does have to fight, because THAT is what Spinel needed to do. She needed to let out all of that anger, and that violence was her own way of doing it. 'you can't just sing a song to make everything go away' etc. It's typical, perhaps, for protagonists to have to tackle problems in different ways because that's LIFE. The fact is, Steven's approach will NOT save everyone. Lapis stilllll kinda stands as an example of this but an as of yet unresolved one. I liked that at the end of things, Spinel still doesn't come into the same fold as everyone else. Basically "sorry, I already fucked this up too much, I can't really deal with this," and that is IMPORTANT and I really liked it. Before really digging into the personal angle, I want to bring up how fascinating it is that the movie essentially had a real BUDGET and so they deliberately seemed to design an antagonist that would take full advantage of that animation budget. EASILY, by far, Spinel is the most interesting-to-watch antag in the whole series imo, in terms of how she moves and fights, etc. They really just wanted to flex and they did it, but like any SU antag there's (somewhat predictable) motives. This gets back at what I was saying before -- how the series spins its wheels a lot -- but Spinel's motivation/back story isssss kiiiinnndaaaa a lot like many many characters' issues and, like, I get it. We get it. Steven's Mom was Not The Best does that have to be the basis behind kinda EVERYONE who goes against Steven? Or the Gems? Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot all offered more varied motivations, and even THEN, Bismuth was still essentially in the same boat? Anyway, I digress. I DO appreciate the way the series set up Rose as this wondrous lovely lady and has severely dissected and broken that down to the point where I really do not like Rose, in any of her ID's, as a character or a fictional person, and it did so gradually. A lot of what the movie did was kind of expected. Right? Songs, singing, check. Steven going about things the same way, check. Re-living/celebrating how far he and his moms have come, check. What I didn't expect was -- OK, well, there WAS that one fusion...which, um

But the actual thing that really latched onto me was how much I conncted with Spinel. As is the case with any story that has well presented characters, you can attach to SOME part of just about all of them. I associate most closely with Pearl overall but can relate with just about anyone prominent. I see parts of me and Jenny in Steven/Connie, in Ruby/Sapphire, in Peridot/Lapis. I see what kind of woman I might've become in Amethyst (and sometimes am). Spinel, though, is a really weird case because I see my adolescent self in her SO MUCH and yet fairly recent events in my life -- directly tied TO the show itself, mind you -- make that connection weirdly poignant and present. For some context, I used to be good friends with Aivi, one of the musicians who works on the series with their husband. Spring 2018, Aivi and I vocalized to each other that we considered one another one of the closest friends in each other's lives. We're no longer friends. To make sure this is clear, I think Aivi is a wonderful person, and our breaking apart wasn't violent or dramatic or anything, Aivi just...decided they weren't interested in the relationship anymore. And neglected to tell me this until like a year later. The context is of course not at ALL as severe or dramatic as Spinel/Pink, so please don't assume there's some one-to-one there. But OOF are there some harsh similarities and it really made Spinel's backstory sting in a very confusing way. I say 'confusing' because, as I mentioned, I see my adolescent self in Spinel. The way I was going about making friends matches her 'happy' self. The way I acted in my senior year of college matches her 'angry' self. There was no single person that created any of that, though. In high school, I was like Starfire, in college, I tried to nurture that, play to my strengths. I failed miserably. And what I feel is a big part of why is inherently tied to my transitioning (which is, still, something I feel I am failing miserably at). By the end of college I was more like Raven, and there I remained through the duration of my first long-term romance, into a very weird and atypical marriage and breakup, and then I moved to CA and started changing. Fittingly, my current self can't quite ID with any single Teen Titan. I'm not a teen anymore, after all. Throughout a lot of my friendship with Aivi, they really seemed to fixate on comparing me to Pearl. It sometimes made me uncomfortable the particular ways they did, though. I strongly identified with Pearl's flaws and strengths in personality (though we're obviously different people), and so seeing Pearl go through redemption via self-love and self-acceptance meant a lot to me. "It's Over, Isn't It?" I was IN THE ROOM listening to Aivi and their husband work on the chorus to that song. Obviously they couldn't talk about it but I knew damn well what it was about, and anticipated that piece for a long time. Now it's even more weirdly painful. I met Aivi because they made Mario arrangements they put on YouTube and they happened to live a few blocks away when I was subletting my first summer in CA. They seemed very kind and caring and eager to Be Nice and at the time I really needed that at a very vulnerable and fragile time in my life so I latched onto that. -In The Garden- The week when the LiS terfs freaked out on me and that Bad Spinel side of me lashed back, and I found myself suffering from being gaslit and facing the fact that the worst part of myself that Trigon in Raven's mind that Angry Spinel was still THERE was still ME It was too much For the first (and thankfully, only) time in my life, I experienced suicidal thoughts. And Aivi REACTED to that shit. Strongly. In a way no one ever had for me before, ever. They drove across the Bay to my house, picked me up, had me over, and helped me process it. And in the months to come, as I was healing and coming to terms with how That Worst Part of Me That I Wanted to BE RID OF was still THERE and apparently could just fucking show up, through all of that, Aivi helped me work through things, and we really bonded. In retrospect, though, it's SO damned hard for me to tell if Aivi and I became so close because of mutual respect or pity or just conditioned behavior to Be Nice and Keep Up Appearances. I dunno. What I know NOW is that apparently Cost More than I would've thought. I'm not Aivi so I don't want to really dig into 'dirt' (again, Aivi is a great person who works very hard and that's WHY their work is so good) but looking back, it's wild to see their progression into SUCCESS and fame while I just stood by, floundering The thing is, Aivi was a super busy person. We barely got to spend time together -- when we DID, it was a multi-hour affair and apart from like, Jenny, Aivi is prolly the person I've had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations with. They were next to me when I realized 'oh huh I'm maybe trans??' because they were there when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I never ASKED them to be there, to Be So Nice and as it turns out, Being So Nice is harder than it looks. So to kind of loop this back to the movie, I wasn't some Skullgirls Peacock Cuphead grinny goof or anything like that but I AM WILLING to bet that from Aivi's POV the way Happy Spinel acts toward Steven is prolly how I felt in Aivi's life at points, at the least. The irony is that we would go weeks, months, barely interacting. But looking back, the way Aivi talked about things, the same phrase keeps dominating my mind: Aivi got bored of me. I wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. Aivi said that day in spring 2018 was like 'the climax' of our friendship, or something like that. Way they talked about it was like...the finale of a season of TV. Our character arc together was over. Even though we TALKED about it, came to mutual understandimng of The Logic behind Aivi's decision to cut ties, I don't think it ever REALLY made sense to me, how Aivi must've felt about our friendship, until Spinel. By spring of 2019, my role in Aivi's life -- from what they have told me, from what I can perceive -- was more like I existed in a separate space from the rest of their life. I was that one interesting person always waiting in The Garden for them to visit when they felt like it Because while Aivi had gotten BIG, gotten MARRIED, gotten a HOUSE, found legitimate SUCCESS in their creative field I was still poor still stuck in retail still unable to find an audience still unable to understand the pressures of Success And OOOOFFF in those last couple years, interacting became more and more strained for both of us, from opposite ends of things. Aivi had responsibilities, PEOPLE vying for their attention, people wanting to hire them, projects to complete, a house, a spouse, etc etc My life was (and kiiiinda still is?) nothing like that, and as our Mutual Creatives Struggling to MAKE THINGS and Get By transforming into Yep I Am Still Here but you are SUCCESSFUL I think that really put a lot of strain on things I never accepted until Spinel. After Aivi hit it big with SU, in particular, they gradually started...acting differently. Acting in ways that made less and less sense to me. They were a Diamond now. And I was still just what I was. When drawing comparisons to characters on the show, Aivi persistently compared me to Pearl. A fact I once took pride in. They repeatedly compared themself to Garnet. Which...always kind of didn't make sense to me. Aivi wasn't really like Garnet. They are more NOW, though? In the sense of how they act, I suppose. Specifically, one of the last things Aivi said to me was that trying to be friends with me had started feeling like Pearl trying to force Garnet to fuse with her. This was problematic because from my POV nothing of the sort was happening. All I was looking for was occasionally hanging out a few times a year. Like. Ya know. Actually a lot less than what I was looking for with basically all of my other friends. And that was still Too Much? But when I start looking at things like Pink Diamond and Spinel instead of Pearl and Garnet, somehow things make a lot more sense. I was probably too clingy, too exciteable, and what amusement or relief I could provide eventually stopped being useful. Aivi eventually didn't even want to spend time with friends to just...spend time with them. Everything had to have some kind of practical Purpose to it, it had to be contributing to a Goal. I still don't get that, tbh. But I'm also not A Diamond. I'm not Successful. The most responsibility I have right now is fucking hanging up the laundry to dry. I have college loans that have and continue to feel pointless to try and repay. I have severe dental problems I haven't been able to fix. My body fell out of shape because of retail hell, and what energy I’ve had to spare from that always ends up going into the people I love, and trying to keep Making Things. Let's not forget The Complications of coming out and wanting to transition but not possessing the resources to do so. (Aivi was actually super supportive of this btw and was the first person to make me feel comfortable wearing feminine things so yea) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that MY LIFE is not together. My personality is? I feel like I am finally Myself in terms of mental/emotional stability. And that is largely because Jenny helped me get there. But Aivi helped a lot with that, too. But I think Aivi got to a point where Success was more of a measure of how Grown Up and Healthy one was because despite my behavior, my personality, my mood, what I was asking for, and what I was giving, all changing DRASTICALLY after being with Jenny, I think Aivi still...looked at me the way Pink Diamond looked at Spinel during that song. Like, "yeeeaaaa ok kiddo it's time for me to go now, kinda done here" This is what's so confusing about all of this metaphor/etc. I'm not...like Spinel anymore? My current, post-coming-out self doesn't really relate with Happy OR Angry Spinel. It's almost like Aivi couldn't see me for who I became, and could only see me for who I had been. And maybe that's like why Spinel can't be friends with Steven at the end. It's too painful. I used to take pride in being associated with Pearl because "I'm enough" and "being strong in the REAL way" but now it's more like "oh you just think I'm still hung up and needy and clingy?" which uh don't feel so great a comparison. I can't help but wonder if while working on the movie, Aivi saw some of themself in Pink. Because I'm not the only person who apparently wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. And I'm not saying we should've kept forcing something that wasn't working. Not at all. What we had was good for both us, but it also entailed a lot of patience on my part and effort on theirs. And unlike any of my other long term friends, I often ended up waiting weeks, months, "Happily wondering night after night, Is this how it works? Am I doing it right?"

Years and years of broken friendships, one after the other, most lasting merely 6 months, MAYBE a year at most, with a handful that have lasted since middle school (but which are so much harder to maintain) took a toll on my Adult Self until Jenny, anyway. For quite a long time - the majority of my life, currently - I assumed I just was Too Different and that was why my friendships didn't seem to last, didn't seem to extend to the depths I was looking for. That's perhaps one critical difference between Spinel and I: she's looking for FUN, for smiling faces, for attention, for creating smiles, I just want some fucking consistency. At this point, I'm not even sure WHY I still reach out to people. I don't NEED friendships in that desperate way I used to, back in the Happy/Angry Spinel times. And I've come to terms with that Other Max part of myself and integrated it, accepted it. My worst parts are still me and instead of suppressing them (often by relying on bids of deep friendship with others) I just have to let them EXIST and let them do their thing once in a while. This is ALL why Celeste hit me as hard as it did. Because even if I'm not actually much like Spinel anymore, and Aivi's not really like Pink Diamond, even if I don't actually share much in common with Madeline (other than the subtle 'I drink sometimes to deal with my problems' thing, which I don't anymore) I still comprehend and resonate so much with that concept of just needing to accept the worst parts of yourself and work with them rather than trying to keep them caged up and then they escape and rampage every 5-10 years or so and ruin your life As I felt myself coming to all of these Good Feelings I FINALLY felt like I could help Aivi in the ways they had helped me. That I finally had something to offer I didn't before. Turns out, I didn't, apparently. Aivi had More Important Things to do than visit me in The Garden. And I couldn't blame them. Not a bit. Especially if they had gotten bored of visiting me. I didn't like feeling like a burden on them, either. Can't really argue with that. During the last time we talked, Aivi didn't use the WORDS, didn't literally say them, but I finally could see it: I wasn't Useful anymore. I couldn't Understand, either, because I wasn't Successful. Our friendship was rewarding, but because it required effort. And that effort was still worth it to me, but no longer to them. I was no longer worth it. And despite that, despite starting to feel those hunches, I spent those final months -- as had been the case before, they were afraid to hurt me so avoided actually confronting the problem -- I remained "Happy to listen, Happy to stay Happily watching her drift away" I have no idea if any aspect of our friendship impacted anything Aivi had worked on creatively. TBH Aivi seemed to approach even relationships themselves with more of a logical, pragmatic style -- it was entirely unique compared to anyone I had ever connected with. But if you've read @lis-allwounds then it might not surprise you to know that a lot of what I expressed through Stella and Max, as well as Other Max and Another Stella, channels a lot of these things. I even quoted Aivi directly in the story's end (perhaps foolishly optimistic) And yes, that epilogue moment of sorts is gonna be entirely different if I ever do finish the visual novel. The fact is that we were ALWAYS very different people and our friendship was weird and complicated and hard for one or both of us throughout its, what, 8 year duration? Ironically, I think I took away the opposite 'Character Arc Lesson' they did from all this. But that's just the thing, nothing is permanent for a Human Being. We aren't Gems, we don't actually fuse, we can't just change our appearances when we feel like it, or project ourselves to look how we want to look, or exist for thousands of years. But we DO all have different needs, different ways of understanding those needs, and different ways of needing to adjust or change ourselves or our environments in order to pursue what we want to pursue with the limited time we have here. We tried, hard, and it lasted long enough. If I'm not useful, I'm not useful, I guess? I don't have any ill will toward Aivi, I loved them as a friend and I know they loved me, too, and were better at showing it than most any friends I ever have had. If I'd been better at reciprocating in ways that were actually useful, that would've been good -- but then maybe we wouldn't have become friends in the first place if I hadn't needed 'saving' in the first place, I don't fuckin' know. And I hope my saying all of these things doesn't make anyone think any less of Aivi because your relationship with them is, very likely, not at all personal like mine is. And you know as well as I do how good they are at what they do. Aivi took the time to ease me out of things. Aivi did NOT suddenly up and vanish for thousands of years. While the dynamics of the situation might bare sharp points of similarity, Aivi is not like Pink Diamond and I'm not like Spinel -- not in the present, anyway. Stories help us because they share THREADS with reality but it's always important to recognize those threads for what they are and not confuse them for ropes. And me ranting and tossing all of this out there is something part of me has wanted to do for months but needed to take the time to grieve and process and accept. And maybe it's selfish to be posting all of this, I don't know. But it helps me accept myself and them a lot more. "Finally something finally news about how the story ends" Aivi likely has brand new friends, better ones than me, and I'm willing to bet some of them worked on this movie. And it turned out pretty good, all things considered, probably in part because Aivi was able to focus on it That person I became friends with, she doesn't exist anymore. Just like how who I used to be when Aivi first me, he doesn't exist anymore, either. We both changed, and grew in opposite directions, I guess. We've found happiness and growth and relief in different ways. In the end the Movie helped me come to terms with all of this in a way Angry Spinel younger me couldn't have still hurts yo

"Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

Isn't that cruel?

And aren't I a fool

to have happily listened,

happy to stay,

happily watching her drift away"

[somethinwickedthiswayrides]

Tag Game~

Oh, why did I wait so long to do this? So many people tagged me! So many~

Placing everything under a read more cause this is about 40 questions long

@sebthur

1. do you like pineapples on your pizza?

I'll fully admit I've never tried it. But I am squarely in the 'no' category. It's just unappetizing to me.

2. how much bubble you want when you take a bath? all of them? none at all?

ALL THE BUBBLES! The tub will be overflowing with bubbles!

3. favorite scent?

Rain, specifically rain on asphalt. It's just, soothing, and can pull me right out of a bad mood.

4. what's your all time favorite movie?

I don't really watch a lot of movies. But I do love the Phantom of the Opera!

5. if money DID grow on trees... what is the first thing u would buy?

I'd move into a nice little home, no HOA, no super close neighbors, it'd be peaceful.

6. did u drink water today?

Uuhh...not water specifically. Gatoraid doesn't really count as water, it's mostly sugar.

7. if not, do it now! stay hydrated! did u eat?

I ate! Fast food, cause I live super far away from where I work, and I can't cook for nuthin, but I ate!

8. whats ur dream job?

I'd like to be a voice actor someday~

9. have you ever heard of upgamers?

No, I haven't. It sounds like updog though, so I am wary.

10. Can you play an instrument? which one?

I don't really count this as being able to play, but I used to own a guitar and I liked to pluck the strings when I got stressed. I don't know why I got rid of it.

11. have you listened to your favorite song today? do it now

I haven't listened to hardly any music for the past week, I need some music~

@nocturnofshadow

1. Dream vacation destination, go!

Home, in my bed, and not having to leave it for about a week. Sounds like heaven.

If I had to pick an ACTUAL location though, Ireland, it just sounds so beautiful there.

2. if you got any novels laying about, go and flip though and pick the twenty-second line - what's it say?

I'm assuming we're going by sentences here. "Psychologically warped; possessed by demons." - 22nd sentence of Wicked.

3. Got any favourite stims? Plastic click-clacks, squishy things, rubbing into a specific spot til it's smooth, ect. Tell me about it!

Hmm. I have a pretty rainbow metallic fidjet spinner, though I don't really use it. Mostly cause when I really need a stim I'm at work where I'm not allowed to have them. So I usually click or tap my pen when I get antsy at work.

4. Favourite scene in a viddy game? (alternatively, fave scene in a book, movie, ect.)

Currently my favorite scene in a game is in Red Dead Redemption 2! When the gang leaves the snowy mountains to head to Horseshoe overlook, the scene with the music is just absolutely beautiful, and it's my absolute favorite thing ever!

5. Favourite aesthetic and why! (old west, european gothic, ect.)

A sort of witchy style, a little bit gothic, but beautiful crystals hanging around, with herbs and flowers and AH~ :D

6. What's your go-to song when you're seeing red? Does it help calm you down, or add fuel to the fire?

Pretty much any music has a calming effect on me, it helps me drift off into my own little world. I don't have a specific song, but I usually listen to softer rock songs.

7. If you write as a hobby, do you still use pen and paper? Or do you prefer typing?

Typing, all the way. My handwriting is an absolute mess and sometimes even I can't decipher the symbols on the page.

8. How long do dishes normally sit in your sink before you get around to them? If you have any sitting around, this is your reminder to get them done!

All of my plates and stuff are disposable for this very reason. I rarely eat at home anyway.

9. Do you have a favourite Hozier song?

I actually had to look up who this was, I never really pay much attention to singer's and bands, and I have heard a few of his songs. I particularly like the Arsonist's Lullaby and In The Woods Somewhere.

10. Do you hoard music playlists? If so, whats the general vibe of those playlists and on which platform? (youtube, spotify, ect.)

I don't really hoard playlists, I usually hear a song and go; 'I wanna hear more like this' and make a new playlist. I use Pandora, and my playlists are mostly rock with a few country, pop, and, I'm not sure how to describe it, celtic? I guess.

@cupofcowboys / @fangirl-ramblings

1. Are you a book reader? if so what are you reading currently?

I am a book reader, though I'm not AVID. Nor am I currently reading anything, too in deep of reading and writing RDR2 fanfiction.

2. If you could time travel where in time would you go?

OH NONONONONO! I know the butterfly effect, thank you but no. I'm also rather happy in the timezone I'm in.

3. Is it hot or cold (weather) where you are in the world right now

Very hot, it's what I get for living in a desert, but hey, it don't snow here~

4. Start your current music playlist, put it on random and tell me what the next song is.

I use Pandora, so it's already random buut, Something's missing by Sheppard.

5. Pizza or Burgers?

But I like both. ;^;

6. Favourite movie/s

Pretty much anything animated by Disney. Though if I had to pick particular movies, The Lion King, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Brave, ect.

7. Favourite band/s

Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Linkin Park, Nickelback, Halestorm, My Chemical Romance. About the only band names I remember, lol.

8. How many concerts have you been to?

That I bought a ticket for? None.

Though, My Chemical Romance did a free gig here about 3 or 4 years ago and I went to see that.

9. If you won millions and millions of dollars what would be the first thing you do.

I would become a literal hermit. Lol, I'd move into a cute little house, and never be seen again.

Maybe I'd pop out every now and again and become a cryptid. Lol

10. One thing you like about yourself?

About myself? I like my hair, took me years to admit, I used to absolutely hate it as a child, I had a mop of curly ginger hair and it always got me unwanted attention. It still does, but I'm a BIT better at just taking the compliment.

@madnessismylover

1. Sun or Moon?

Moon, so soft and gentle and sweet.

2. Would you rather have 20 cats or 20 dogs?

Cats, much as I'd love being smothered by 20 puppies, cats are a little less... needy?

3. Who was your first celebrate crush (that you can remember)?

Steve Irwin. I was 2 or 3.

4. What was your first video game? (and if you don’t play those then what was your first movie)

That I played? Pokemon Blue or Pokemon Gold.

That I owned? Pokemon Ruby.

5. Favorite kid show? (either watched as a kid or watch now)

I love cartoons~ Though I'm particularly fond of Steven Universe, Star VS the Forces of Evil, and Gravity Falls.

6. Favorite decade’s aesthetic? (70s, 80s, 90s, etc,)

I'm a complete 90s kid.

7. Where do you wish you could live?

Not really any location in particular, though I guess Ireland would be nice, maybe Germany or England.

8. Did you have an imaginary friend as a kid? If so what was their name?

I don't remember much about them IMO, I do remember their name was Ash, and they were TALL, like Slenderman levels of tall.

9. What’s something not a lot of people know about you?

I'm actually part Native American! Admittedly, it's a very SMALL part, about five or six generations back but there is a bit in me! And I'm very proud of that small bit.

10. If you had to listen to one song for the rest of your life what would it be?

Oh, that would be torture~ If i HAD to pick, it'd probably be High Hopes by Panic at the Disco, but, it'd still be torture.

MY Questions!

1. How tall are you? Have you dreamed being ever taller?

2. Favorite Youtuber?

3. What is your favorite fairytale?

4. Do you prefer kissing or cuddling?

5. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?

6. So, what is the funniest pickup line you have ever heard of?

7. On days, when you feel completely bored and demotivated, what helps you to feel energized?

8. 3 things that make you happy?

9. If you could have a superpower what would it be and why?

10. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be?

I’m tagging~ @septembershower @i-love-charles @crimsonredemption @mountainhymn aaannnd...I dunno, go for it if you wanna. Lol