#part of a blanket I am making
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TES Summer Fest Day 1 - Forbidden
A 7 year old Vanus "Trechtus" Galerion stays up late one night reading with his dad.
#tesfest24#tesfest#tes summer fest#vanus galerion#the elder scrolls#tes#elder scrolls#eso character featuring daggerfall era lore so idk what game to tag#mine#i know the blanket is rough. am never drawing a blanket ever again#my art#finding out that vanus was originally a dev ttrpg character makes it make more sense why he has such a protagonist-esque backstory#anyway if you read this far down in the tags here's a misc vanus headcanon for you: his dad's name is also trechtus (making vanus a jr) and#that is part of the reason he was so ok with his name being changed. it reminded him too much of his dad and old life
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Today’s tally so far: one crochet baby blanket finished (except for weaving in the ends, it had only needed like half a round of the border), and @creations-by-chaosfay ‘s awesome rag quilt inspired me to start cutting the scraps from my flannel baby blankets so I can make them into a rag quilt. 11 squares cut, a whole lot to go lol
#handmade#blanket updates#this week is the first cold week of the season where I live#so I want to try to finish as many blankets and quilts as quickly as possible#but I am recovering from a flare up over the weekend so what I can do is kinda limited#hence the crocheting#I am still working on the crochet lovey but it was downstairs and I (and the blanket) were upstairs#and today is very much a Limit Stairs kinda day#oops realized I forgot part of my reasoning#I am donating all these blankets I’ve been making to people who were hit by the hurricane locally#well. my mom called dibs on one blanket in exchange for taking me to Joann’s#but the rest of them are being donated
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Ok story time
I am making a temperature blanket. For those unfamiliar, it is a knitted or crocheted blanket in which colours are assigned to the temperature outside. Every day, you crochet/knit a certain amount in the colour that corresponds to that day's temperature.
I am creating this, rather strangely, for my physics teacher (he puts up with far too much of my bullshit and I have been assured by many people that a blanket is a reasonable gift). It's a nice gift, it's a representation of the year's climate, it's thoughtful.
Slight problem though.
It's 7'6" wide.
That's uhh... 2.3 meters... :/
This is a very reasonable gift and a lasting memory of putting up with my bullshit.
#even funnier is that a bunch of teachers at my school have joked about me coming back to teach physics there#so this isnt even a parting gift its more of a ILL BE BACK SUCKERRR gift#i cant tell if im making this out of gratitude or spite at this point#'thank you for teaching me for four years. as thanks i am giving you the worlds most cumbersome climate graph. you are very welcome'#temperature blanket
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VUXisms (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Or if you prefer my very Normal Collection of ZEX stimming lol#I'm not choosing to read alien behaviours through a neurodivergent lense you can't prove anything#Okay you got me yes I am lol - in conjunction with my ADHD Max HC (which I am only more convinced of lol) I went into this with#Really any kind of self-soothing behaviour fascinates me :D And ZEX definitely needs the soothing ;;#But it's not just the stimming! Though I did keep pretty diligent notes about that lol he's deeply interesting to me!#He's a texture person! Part of that is due to being VUX and having very processed food but if it fits it fits!#I'm also a texture person - again I have too many notes relating to ZEX lol#I also find it charming (or sad - whichever is applicable at the time!) when ZEX eats in ''odd'' ways haha ♪#Eating without utensils - you can always just wash your hands you do you <3#The weighted blanket lol so - I had a very normal and measured reaction to ZEX enjoying full-body pressure lol#Solely and purely intellectual! Of course! VUX enjoy swimming! Full-body pressure makes complete sense!#And he's a tactile person on top of that - pressure good for multiple reasons! I really do think he'd sleep better with a weighted blanket ♪#Back to stimming! I really loved the scene of him opening the water bottle and his therapist being So Impatient with him about it lol#Let him figure it out! He's very intelligent! Very skilled at finding weak points and exploiting them hehe <3#But then he runs his finger on the lip of the bottle! Wine-glassing it while he talks hehe <3 I love him#Humming!! Another stim I relate to! Not so much now since it was ''encouraged'' out of me so I may be doubly biased towards him using it hee#Too delighted to focus on utensil lessons and yet he's still clever enough to pay attention to multiple things at once hehehe ♫#And then aside from his actual biggest stim he plays with his hair quite a lot - in various ways and to different ends :D#Running his hands through it to self-soothe or tugging on it to express - I kinda read it as him trying to move his head feelers around haha#Not quite the same but something!#Oh and then his biggest stim - just looking at humans lol it is very dopamine-delivering <3 And he has dopamine now! Very powerful :3c#Hhhhh human chemistry for VUX behaviours <3 It's so interesting to me hehe ♪
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someone broke into my fucking truck and there is glass EVERY FUCKING WHERE.
#found out when i was rushing to work at 6 fuckin am#im actually so fucking done#horrible year to be me fr#at least my heart appointment got moved ig.#im so fucjing upset and ofc things kept getting worse#jumped off my truck directly into dog poop after scavenging through the frozen chemicals to pull out my winter brush#cause i have NOTHIBG to clean this glass with#my hands are COVERED in broken glass atm#and i already have open wounds from work that are now filled with broken fucking glads#funniest part is that they didnt even take anything.#like my lighters are stilk there my random coins my fuckin trappers blankets#what was the point ?!??? just to torture me after an already horrible day?!????#make my year worse?!???#make me regret moving across the country ALONE even more?!????#im gonna tear myself apart fr
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Tsumugi the cosmos the moon and stars at night, my love.
does tsumugi know he is more vast and wonderous than the galaxy itself............ yknow ive always been a big lover of the night sky
#honestly i could build on this little discovery of mine soooo much#i love that tsumugi is the night because it has that softness to it. esp when matched with his voice#such a sweet tender voice that can lull anyone to sleep#not to mention how he tends to have blankets on hand bc of his whole bird thing#and the night sky also gives us a glimpse into what the universe holds#how the world is so much bigger than we are#but how the universe is also full of infinite beauty and wonders#idk....... it makes me think of like#tsumugi often downplays himself and his importance and such#being much more confident as some sidekick rather than the main attraction#but hes always drawn to “main character” type people#and in a way i can view the night the same way#bc well. its often not the night itself that we find so beautiful#its what the night shows us#the stars..... the cosmos........ the moon..........#but at the same time this is PART of the night#the night highlighting the beautiful galaxy makes the night itself special.......... and lovable#am i making sense#guys im delirious#ask
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I want someone to love me quietly and loudly at the same time because Im an idiot
#mine#words#human#love#someone unashamed of loving me#someone free to love me and choose me#someone who loves me with every blink#a love radiating from them surrounding me like a blanket making sure i feel it because im an idiot#because im an idiot#clown#feelings#thoughts#love comes in many forms and i dont want this to be romantic only#my friends are loving me openly and casually w lil care packages and notes for me with videos they send me with “ill sit w you”s &“i listen#with “your feelings are valid” “youre being hard to yourself so im being even softer” with “hey do you wanna play sth”#with “wanna body double” and “i rmb you like this” “have you eaten yet” “can i give you a hug”#with “my treat this time” and “can i come visit you” with “missing you” and “we share this part of life”#with “hey this reminded me of you” and “i dont need this but i thought you could” with “what have you been up to” and#with “do you wanna go there together” and “im getting [food/drink] you want some as well?”#with “i can pretend to be your waifu and help with chores” and “lets cook together” with “lets go on a walk together”#with “tell me when youre home” with “take care” and “enjoy!” with “hows your day been” “howd you sleep”#with “tell me about your dream last night” “show me your outfit” with “how are you” and “i can explain it to you again” with “i'll wait”#with “nice to hear from you again” and “i try to understand” with “im glad a late answer is better than none from you”#with “you cannot see your own effort but i can” with “how can i help you” and “just wanted to see/hear you” with “hey take this food w you”#with “i dont mind doing that for you” with ┌|∵|┐┌|∵|┐when seeing each other on the streets#every lil whimsical every experience thought and feeling shared#im immensely loved and i hope those people know and feel how i see appreciate and love them back#i am loved already#my friends make sure that i do not accept any less love expression and im endlessly grateful for them#“i will try for you” “i'll try remind you” “i can wake you up” this all will get its own post one day
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The last time I cried over missing my boyfriend was when I was drunk and 3 time zones away. Now Im sitting in my own bedroom, sober as can be, and I cant get him out of my damn head
#screaming.to.the.gods#i haven’t seen him in over a week - but Im supposed to tomorrow night#we’ve been texting all weekend too. He wanted to see me Friday. but I had a friend visiting from out of town#but Im also thinking about a conversation I need to have with him before our trip in 2 weeks#and Im only gonna get a few chances to have it in person which woulf be much better#basically explaining some boundaries *I* need because of some past trauma#and I know he wont have a problem with any of it. god he is so compassionate I am so fucking thankful for him#but knowing its a conversation I need to have is the stressful part#and I think that stress combines with being on my period and just. missing him. is what is making me an emotional wreck#but he said he has a gift for me tomorrow#and Im excited for it#i went out and bought him a pokemon hoodie#partially so I can have one to steal since he is so picky about his hoodies#but yeah. i really miss him and really want a hug. which is so wild to me#i hate when people touch me. i hate hugs. but he’s different#hes like a security blanket. warm and safe.#and I just want to be wrapped in that safety#uhg okay Ill stop ranting about my first world problems#love you guys though
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"i am going to write a fix-it"
7k in my pov character is attempting suicide
#this has happened. more than once.#listen sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can go up#suicide cw#'babe are u ok uve written characters trying to kill themselves multiple times in the last year'#no i am not thank you for asking! but im outsourcing all my breakdowns to fictional characters so it's gucci#no to be honest tho it is not as drastic as that potentially makes it sound#when i am going thru a rougher patch of mental health#i DO end up writing more 'darkfic' or whatever#where my characters are going thru it even worse than i am#and honestly its just cathartic. and helps me process things#and most of the time i even DO get to the comfort part of the hurt/comfort eventually#which is like a big psychic hug or blanket draped around my shoulders#so anyway#aphelion.txt#writing#fanfic
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Nicknaming my still unfinished crochet blanket my monster blanket because that bad boy has so many mistakes i am not good at crocheting lmao
#like patterns are easy enough to follow but the parts i get hung up on is#stitch count#no way am i counting all those stitches#and that has been my downfall everytime#and will continue to be amen#my blanket keeps getting wider! sad! oh well there are other blankets to make (in the future)
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i'm the worst kind of bts elitist, i insist dark & wild is their best album, i brag about liking the prologue mix of butterfly better, i'm the bitch crying about how shit butter is and how "i miss when they were hip hop"
#dark & wild is so good#... man#what am i to you-- rm's vocal delivery in the latter half of the song is so goooood#danger-- she's a classic. the mv is so funny watching a bunch of teenagers in egregious eyeliner jump around but she has banger qualities#war of hormone-- this track is a crime against humanity and she's a banger while she's at it. jhope's part 😍#hip hop phile-- trust a bts song to start with an appalling beat 😭😭 i confess however i love this track#let me know-- kinda nasally i know the fandom really likes this one but eehhh . rapline is good as always tho#rain-- the spiritual successor to 13430 but more groovy. she bangs so hard. suga always whispering 'suga' before his verse 😭#cypher 3-- i like the other cypher's better this one suffers from having supreme boi on it. this has the suga bisexual line tho so W's ther#what are you doing now-- 40 seconds of groovy sounds what more do you want#could you turn off your cellphone-- A BANGER what can i say??#embarrassed/blanket kick-- this song gave us chaotic fake making out choreography#24/7=heaven-- jungkook gets a bad rep these days but boy can sing#look here-- this song is STRANGE it does not sound like a bts song at all but i still really like it#2nd grade/sophomore-- underrateedddd ass banger. the year after debut was so frustrating for them and you can really feel it in this album#do you think that makes sense?-- explain it guurrlll man i love this album#i remember when the persona album dropped i got hopeful it'd be a return to form with the intros/outros/interludes#uhmm kinda was but it was immediately followed up with butter. BUTTER. dude. BUTTER. i can't#i just have to accept at some point 2014 bts is long gone and they'll never make music like that again cry
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♡ love you, ᰔ dearest Ouppy. You are the best Ouppy the world has ever seen and you are so good at being a cute lil bab. You deserve the world and all the best pets and snacks and play time and scritches and playtime and soft snuggles.
i am going to learn how make sushi so that i can make your favorite i want you to have soft things and feel so loved and happy and if i get the world then so do you cuz im sharing it with you
#♡kibty♡#pup talks#sorry 4 taking forwver to awnser you i kept seein this n goin !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i wanted to hold it for a bit#silly can a cat and a dogthing really get along? to this cat is like family to me and language doesnt have enough words pipeline 我爱你#<- hope is ok to say that you used the familial tone tag a bit ago but don wanna make you uncomfy >.<#you make the world feel so soft like a blanket and scary things not so bad after all <3<3#magic kibty full of friend，，，，#tbh a part of me is scared cuz somwone that traumatized me did alot of the same stuff but trust you#i feel safe to say no n change n take a while to awnser n be small n say things wrong/not have words n it means alot to me your so m#much. to me i love you#dearest kibty hugging you in my brain and <3<3<3 your so awesome an soft am so happy that i know you#i wanna say more stuff cuz !!!! but i dont have anything else to say um 🐈
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nothing like media abt AI and robots and constructs to make me go absolutely insane thinking about the horrors of embodiment
#talking#listening to ajj's body terror song thinking about murderbot feeling: insane#its visceral discomfort at being looked at and touched and p much every aspect of being embodied#that isnt protecting people. putting itself between its humans and danger#side thought now also about how mb wasnt actually designed to protect people#it was designed to make as much money as possible off of the concept of protecting people#and when it got free it chose to protect them for real 😭#but anyway i am also thinking about AI like hera and ART#where a ship is both kind of their body and not#a disembodied voice and you live in their body#the wolf 359 q&a where maxwell's va says she thinks maxwell finds engaging with ai soothing#partly because they do not have bodies. and are not subject to all the risk that comes with that#the horrors of having a body that you do not own#every fic that deals with how theyre going to get the equipment to house hera once theyre back on earth#and every fic about murderbot needing repairs/replacement parts but the tech is owned by the company#and every fic about giving murderbot a blanket#i am grateful i am living i am looking respectfully
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Friends the Sweater is officially Off The Needles !
#i still have to weave in the ends (so many fucking ends) and block but like#it's finished#the part where i am creating fabric is finished#ahhhskhjdkksksns it's so squishy and warm i love it i hope i love wearing it#vanitas vanitatum et omnia vanitas#i do love knitting patterns#... what to start next#i have 5 months to make a baby blanket but i haven't even picked out a pattern or yarn yet#what's that you say? the sweater again but in the other yarn?#hmmmm
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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...
#the results finally came: i have hepatitis. Is not longer just simple sickness and liver malfunction. Now i have chronic illness#and i am back into my place. after being far away for some weeks feeling like a victim of the narrative#how foolish and stupid i was#i tried not to think about it. to not give it importance as she said it was not that serious#but now that i am alone in here again i realize that everything it was my fault#“is our mistake” i can hear her say. but it is my fault: i was the sober one. the one in control. the one that did not let her go#“she was teasing you. was somerhing she wanted” some people reply. but that is no excuse for my behaviour#i was supposed to protect her. to let her be free with herself. and in the end i only gave her pain and regret. i destroyed my last chance#perhaps being denied to fix what i did. to prove myself better. is my punishment and i should accept it#not able to know about her life. if she is okay. if her heart is recovering. if her mind is not killing her. is part of the punishment too#sure. the guilt is destroying me. but i deserve it. in fact. i deserve all the problems i am having. i deserve to be out of her life#my chairs are screaming. my bed is punching. the blankets are a burden. the walls compress me. the juice is sour.#i can no longer make that dish. not that snack. and just thinking about the strawberrys dessert makes me nauseous and want to puke#i am totally sure that event damaged her more than she wanted to admit. if is this devastating to me. should be x10 worse for her.#but i will never know and that is part of the suffering i deserve#i hope she manage to heal. to forget about me. to find someone better that can truly help her#i hope she never wanted to came back. it will only bring her pain. see me will only make her remember the trauma#i am not free of sin. i betrayed myself that day. i betrayer her too. i do not deserve forgiveness from both#the walls are not the culprit. yet my anger keep me punching them. i could damage myself but my liver is already doing that#perhaps this illness will set me free. but until that happens. i still need to try going forward.#mostly becasue is not fair i just give up and end my suffering that easy. i must face my punishment#yet i hope she is not being tormented by my mistake. i doubt it. but she deserve better#hopefully she will never read this and therefore never try to contact me to debate the mistake if she still think was her fault#hopefully she will heal and grow. happy and independent. free with lots of friends. loving herself and someone special for her#i tried to be a saviour but at the end i only destroyed who i wanted to save. along myself in the process#better to stay alone that to hurt someone and myself again#i wish life to let me be in the void where i belong. feeling desires is gross and awful. better to not feel anything like i was before#tried to distract myself with funny stuff and healing posts. heck even some sad and broken stuff to feel understood#but nothing of that was really helpful as i was only neglecting the reality and severity of my actions. i must leave#so goodbye. i should come back when the illness and the guilt stop killing me (if it does not succeed)
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