#overall negativity tw
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#( ooc . mun speaks . )#i have been feeling. so not good lately.#i PROMISE it’ll be the last i talk abt this for awhile lol#i just cannot get the feeling of being replaceable or unwanted out of my head.#i keep feeling like . . . i’m not good enough#like. my writing isn’t good enough & my portrayal isn’t good enough.#& like i’m annoying or too much ooc.#ik ppl come here to get AWAY from yuckiness so im sorry to spread that.#i am just in a bad way i fear. just sad & anxious & feeling awful abt myself all the time.#there are such wonderful & kind souls here & i dont want to discredit their sweetness#ive just overall been having a rough time w/ my mental health. ill be okay though! just struggling atm.#tw vent#tw negative#tw negativity
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it really does feel like one thing after another sometimes and i’m just
#i’ll be honest — the biggest thing happened the other morning and everything else is just small or my own emotional imbalance#but it’s like when you’ve been dealing with something for a long time it doesn’t take much to get you worked up after a certain point#and i’m just having a hard time managing my feelings rn#part of it is likely that i haven’t gotten over the other morning and that just ain’t getting resolved i do not have the energy anymore#and i’m sorry i’m venting here y’all i really am but i need to get it out some way without just dumping on anyone#and part of me just doesn’t even want to get into details too bc i’m just tired. i’m really tired.#anyway i promise i’ll make an effort to be online this weekend but i’m really sorry if i’m overall just not entirely my normal self#i gotta go for now so pls take care 💜#get ready to ramble | ooc#tw vent#tw negative
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#( ooc )#negative tw#(( man idk if i'll ever be able to truly enjoy tumblr rp again at this rate ))#(( people have been nothing but kind to me ))#(( and yet i still get the nagging feeling that in the long run i just don't matter ))#(( there will always be other better alastor rpers ))#(( or vox rpers ))#(( or any other muse on my list ))#(( there's always someone that's more established and put together and just overall a better writer ))#(( i look at everyone on my dash and as much as i want them to write with me ))#(( i 'know' they can do better than me ))#(( they can find someone else that's more reliable and can write those awesome long term slowburn plots ))#(( i take too long and i'm too inconsistent and my writing isn't that good ))#(( i don't think i'm terrible ))#(( but i do feel like everyone else is better than i am ))#(( and i feel like my partners can do so much better ))#(( it really keeps me from reaching out to people to write things ))#(( what's the point if they can find someone better? ))#(( that's how my brain works and i hate it because i really do want to write ))#(( but i lowkey view everyone else as competition of sorts ))#(( bc (and i know i sound like a broken record) everyone else is better than me ))
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i don't have it in my rules but like,,, i dont have bc i think its common sense,,, pls dont god mod my muses, dont say they invited ur muse somewhere or they made ur muse do something or they forced ur muse into doing something. specially not without checking with me first. like its one thing for in our thread we both say they are going to a place or eating a food or doing an activity and u write them Getting there or Finishing or Starting next activity. its a whole nother thing for you to say my muse led urs somewhere or my muse decided to end it early or my muse forced urs into without checking with me first. like its my muse ,, u dont ,, u dont know if they would. maybe next they would drop to the floor and break dance. u dont know. if u wanna write that into the reply just send me a quick message saying 'hey would santi/frank/james/whoever do x?' or 'can i move the thread to x place' like its that simple.
#ooc#negativity tw#rant tw#shut up manu#ask for permission dont ask for forgiveness#im overall a very chill person but someone just saying and then santi did THIS mid thread will make me super uncomfortable#there is like 3 people who know my muses well enough to know what they would do without asking me and even THEM they dont know all my muses#so like just ask its fine. its free. and it will let me know ur a chill person who respects my writing#starters are slightly different in the sentence that like u can start a starter anywhere and as long as its open ill role with it.#be it breaking into a bank or teaching poetry to kids i will have someone that fits into it.#but if u want specific people doing specific things its better to check like#frank would never hit ur muse or important npcsever ever ever no matter what they did maybe possibly in a boxing match even then it deppend#so if u want frank hitting people we would have to plot it out and stuff idk
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|| So I had a panic cause I thought I lost my mom credit card. It turns out, as I believed, it was on the kitchen counter.
Then when leaving the car while it was raining, my sandal strap broke and I had to borrow my mom so I can check into the doctor while she went to the nearby store to get another pair for me.
I hope my day doesn't get worse for me. And I do hope it doesn't get worse for me this week. ;w;
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Those Inniters are genuinely so funny, like I can't even put into words why but dear God how are they so delusional to real life - 🐑
I'm honestly mostly appalled. As a victim of what they think went on it's disgusting to see that THIS is how they choose to "support" victims.
If they truly thought Dream committed that heinous crime and they continue to support Tommy who is clearly not changing his mind any time soon then they do not care about any fucking victim. They just want to feel better about themselves so they make up shit in their heads so they can keep watching but still hate Dream.
I need them to fucking die.
#i won't be commenting too much on the situation as it's p triggering to talk about#but know these are my overall thoughts#kore.ask#drituation#tw grooming#negativity#🐑
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seeing ppl still following this blog is so weird. there are much better artists to archive the works of 🙏seek them out bc ghost sucks 🙏🙏
#tw for csa in the notes#I've got nothing but neg associations w ghost bc his music was my biggest interest at a point where I was bring actively abused#I've experienced csa throughout my entire childhood but ghosts music as an interest was specifically cathartic for me#so I associate it with that more strongly than I do other childhood interests#there are some that fall similarly. but ghost sticks out bc it was also the first kinda bad Fandom experience I had#I don't plan on deleting the blog bc I believe in media preservation as a rule ig? but if ur reading this I do suggest finding smthn better#ghosts Fandom is the most toxic one I've encountered so overall just 0/10 would not recommend especially if ur a minor
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One of the most gut punching things that has happened in 2023 so far is my childhood best friend of maybe 15+years who knows very well that I self-harm coming to me for advice how to deal with it for some random girl, despite never asking how to help me
#the way my body suddenly became cold when I read the text and realized they really don't give a fuck about me#and I feel bad for feeling anything negative towards the girl#especially since she's a minor#but my 'friend' still refuses to tell the girls parents because 'she can't break her trust🥺'#tf the girl is a child! and she needs a professional care! tell her parents so they can provide it#that shit won't go away on its own#anyway i relapsed 3 times in the last 3 days ✌😘#at least im not breaking skin this time instead i hit myself until i bruise which is quite the feat since i don't bruise easily#the named the big bruise on my arm 'bruce the bruise'#i think it's hilarious#but overall idk how i feel about hitting myself bacause it doesn't take the itch away completely like cutting or scratching#but it's way easier to hide it and if discovered to lie about it which is big plus and it goes away after few days#which is both a blessing and a curse#tw self harm#vent
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{ OOC } so i'm feeling sick today and i woke up in a bad mood (also my neurodivergent ass is experiencing symptoms that are just... not good) so i'm probably going to stay away from people today bc yeah --- so anyway, i'll be back on tomorrow
#{ you're a sky full of stars. ooc posts }#negativity tw#{ just feeling like overall shit -.- }#{ emotionally and physically }#{ but i'll deal with it }
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Awhile back, I got an ask about "how I would rehabilitate the fetishism of Asian culture" with regards to Dean, and while I was reading about Jo Harvelle today, I stopped on her losing her father when she was FOUR.
Dean lost his mom when he was FOUR, too. And well, I think you could carry the theme of four being unlucky a bit further.
While not traditionally considered an unlucky number, 4 has in recent times, gained an association with bad luck because of its pronunciation, predominantly for the Cantonese. The belief that the number 4 is unlucky originated in China, where the Chinese have avoided the number since ancient times.
Tetraphobia is so common that even some elevators skip this floor number, the same way some Western cultures skip floor 13 in the count.
Anyway, if I were a showrunner, I think you could do a lot with the number 4 with regards to Dean (and other characters too).
There's already a swell of themes with FORTUNE and LUCK, and this would allow the flavor to be playfully kept but be more interesting.
#tw racism#adjacent anyway#spn ideas#not sharing the whole ask because it's... overall negative in tone in a way that is hateful of dean#but this portion of the ask was a wonderful thing to think about
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There really is an unspoken, mystically selected window of time where, if it closes, people just won't give af about what you have to say or the severity of what happened to you.
I'm listening to all this Danny Masterson stuff, and I'm glad the victims got their justice, but you always have those gremlins in the wings going, "Why did you wait so long?? Prooove iiiit!"
As if the waiting negates the trauma, instead of being a direct symptom of it.
It took me a long time to admit that my past relationship was actually abusive and that my ex raped me- at least one time that I know of- but nobody in my circle cares. Or looked up really when I finally worked up the courage to say that I had been a victim.
But I get it. He was popular- he had all the friends in the relationship. He told me to my face he'd fallen out of love with me a long time ago, then slandered me to his friends and stalked my socials for a while.
But he's okay. The window closed on me, though.
All that is to say, when someone is hurting you, do not be quiet about it, if you can help it. I don't care if your friends share the suicide hotline number or your mom has a ribbon magnet on the back of her van- people will stop caring if you stop yelling, no matter how good you are or how good you think they are.
#real life posting#negative take overall#i dont have faith in people lbr#tw rape#tw suicide mention#danny Masterson
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Wanting to make new friends and bond closer with existing friends gets. So much fucking harder when you not only have 16 layers of autism, only 10 sentences you can say without burning yourself out, and now! Guess what bitches! What I'm pretty sure classify as trust issues!
#If you think this is about you it probably is#I can personally fucking assure all of the friends I have trouble talking to I love you from the bottom of my heart#And the ones I want to talk to more that I want to talk to you more so badly I am just pained#And burn out fast in social situations despite enjoying them overall#Also like. On the trust issues thing.#I'm starting to realize that maybe a 'don't fucking trust anyone you don't know' mindset is Not Actually That Healthy#Especially now that it has been Solidified By Getting Hurt and Hurt and Hurt#Like I get it now. This fucking sucks#Wanting to bond with people but being A) too scared to and B) burning out so fast...#It's hell.#Vent tw#Negative tw#Personal#Also maybe it's not the best thing to have like. Three people you trust total.#Damn. This sucks ass
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I was scheduled for an appointment with a psychiatrist that was recently brought here at IHS (we havent had one here for years). So I checked in about a half hour before my appointment was scheduled and 2 hours after my appointment was supposed to happen i asked one of the outpatient reception nurses to see if my appointment was even scheduled and it was so i was told to just wait a little longer. Problem was that i needed to be home by 3 and it was already 2:45 and it wasn't gonna be a quick appointment either so by then I had no choice but to go home. So idk what the deal was but not only was my scheduling cutting it way too close but I was hallucinating as well, the longer I waited the louder and more vulgar the voices got plus I kept hearing whistling in the trashcan next to me. yeah I ain't dealing with that shit in public dude so best thing was to nope it out of there.
#now im depressed about it#IHS has a bad rep here about scheduling mistakes and mismanagement overall so it shouldn't be a surprise but still#it wasnt worth the hassle#personal#tw negative
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saturday was overall abysmal from start to finish, and the rest of the week prior wasn't any better.. sunday won't be enough time to recover from it all (plus this now two week ongoing cold) before having to do it all over again on monday.... so tired of this cycle ffs.
sometimes i wish the ground would just swallow me up in my sleep, cause im damn tired of doing this shit every day. i don't even care about the future, dunno why i even bother. irl has been super disappointing for so long now that looking back on it sometimes im just like... wow how has every bleak day felt the fucking same yet years have gone by now ...that's crazy. anyway not to be all depressing on main but i needed to vent into the void for a min bc i can't even drink on these fucking meds but i can't manage any sleep cause of my stress. and since my days have been ruined by people lately, ive kind of undergone that tvd humanity switch thing and no longer have the desire to be social or my bubblier self.. so even media that revolves around (gasp, you guessed it) 🚫 People tm 🚫 has me mad annoyed. im probably so pissed/stressed rn that just someone breathing (loudly ig?) would be the straw that broke the camel's back..... and mind you, i am back in therapy, have been back for awhile, and yet........ i seem to keep repeating the cycle of mistakenly trusting and opening up to those close to me (or just the family fighting again) and then just deciding ive given up on humanity as a whole and that i regret ever being born bc i literally never, not once, asked for this shit. i have, however, repeatedly asked any deity out there to do me a solid, and yet.... no help in making things better or doing me off in my sleep. anyway i'll probably be back to my regularly scheduled personality that was carelessly collaged together over the years soon, but ive been tossing and turning for hours with all of this shit just going at it in my head nonstop, so i needed to vent. tldr; fuck everything.
#/neg#all sorts of tw ig idk anymore#vent/rant#delete later probably#tldr; fuck everything#tired pissed stressed and just overall done with life and work and people#this is 100% about irl stuff btw#not out here vagueing moots and shit. find that kinds ridiculous esp if you word it all 'oomf' .... like just stfu honestly. dramatic af#but i did fr just really need to try and send this energy outta my head for long enough to try and unwind#bc i need to get some godforsaken sleep. this fucking cold and all these meds are driving me (even more) insane.. ugh#//personal
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me suddenly feeling like a failure and overwhelmed with everything on here bc my inbox is at least 70+ and i wanna respond to stuff in there but not everything but i just *head in hands* why do i do this to myself. i wanna clean this blog up and make it look nice but i cant even afford to pay anyone for graphics comms bc my hours got cut at work again just like everyone else and i have school + extra curricular activities so i just . have to suffer with an ugly as hell blog and not look aesthetically pleasing like everyone else 💀
#OOC.#negativity tw#sorry guys im#trying to be more positive#but im exhausted rn#and everything hurts#and overall i judt#feel like im failing#at being a writer and a friend
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At first I didn’t really realize it, but my dad is saying at least 5 times a day how much days is left before him and my mom leave on vacation of 2 weeks so that mean I’m gonna be alone with Puppy for 2 weeks…I’m gonna d*e of stress 😭
#i never been alone more than 3 days straight 😰#except when I went to Italy but I was with 20 other people form my school and had no worries#Puppy is gonna be so sad he’s so depressed when they leave for a weekend and it’s gonna be 14 days 😭#i just hope he’s gonna be fine too 😰#at least my uncle live close and has retire if I have to go to the vet he’s here or my friend is here if she’s not busy#i shouldn’t think of it but like I hate being alone 😭#before either a friend or my cousin would come live with me while they are gone#but now I’m gonna be alone :’)#my cousin will come when she her daughter is with her dad and I’ll go to my aunt or my cousin some days#but overall I’m gonna be alone I hope it will go fine 😭#7 years ago the same day my parent had come back from their vacation my cat sadly pass away so I’m kinda traumatized by this :/#but Puppy is doing well I need to think positively but I’m still terrified 😭#not only I would be destroy if something happen while I’m alone but my mom would never forgive herself 😭#i have to stop thinking about this I’m about to cry fksbdjsbjs#but yeah now everytime my dad excitedly say he cannot wait I wanna cry so bad 😭#and I hope they will have fun ! my mom is honestly not that excited cause of the same reason it seemed :’)#she dosen’t seem that excited when they talk about it :/#alex.txt#tw negativity#tw death mention#tw sick pet#tw sick animal#tw animal death mention#for the tags :‘)
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