#out of sight out of mind but to the extreme
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Maybe in Another Universe, You're Still the Man I Love: Viktor x Reader
Summary: You get sent to the same alternate timeline with Ekko and Heimerdinger, and you find out just how wonderful your life could've been.
Words: 2.1k
Author's Notes: Yeah so that finale sent me into deep grief and writing is the only way I can heal I fear. I hope you enjoy this interpretation of what Viktor could be doing in the alternate timeline.
“Are you alright, darling?”
Your vision comes into focus, though your head is still pounding. You’re extremely nauseous, feeling like your body is not your own as you become aware of the all-too-familiar voice that just spoke to you.
You’re sitting on a desk in an Academy classroom, journals and various papers surrounding you. The sun is shining through the windows, cascading gold onto the other desks and tables. It’s a peaceful, simple sight. Something that feels so wrong for precisely that reason.
“I don’t have another class for a while, you can talk to me,” Viktor says, brushing his fingers against your face. “Care to tell me why you’re looking at me like that?”
You suppose you look like you’ve seen a ghost, which isn’t so far from the truth. You must be dreaming—maybe hallucinating—anything to explain how this isn’t real.
“I…” you start, failing to find the words to say.
-
You storm into the lab, locking your eyes on the empty hexcore cocoon, then at Jayce.
“Where the fuck is he?”
“I don’t know!” Jayce fires back at you, clearly just as distraught as you are. “He woke up and told me he needed to leave me and this place. I have no idea where he went!”
“Why didn’t you follow him?” you scream, your mind spinning. Who knows how the hexcore changed him, he could literally be anywhere.
“He didn’t want me to! What don’t you understand?” Jayce slumps back into his chair, his face in his hands. As soon as he notices a tear fall down your cheek, his tone softens. “Look, I...we both know he’s been different since he started messing with the hexcore. He had told me to destroy it...but I couldn’t. And now he’s even more different. I’m so sorry,”
“Jayce…” you walk towards him. “I’m not blaming you for anything that’s happened. He’s been pushing both of us away for a long time. I guess...I just thought maybe when he woke up he’d love me again like he used to. Did he even ask about me?”
Jayce shakes his head, and your heart sinks even further.
-
“I think I’m dreaming,” you finally say, and Viktor tilts his head. “This...this isn’t real. We’re not like this, we haven’t been like this in a long time. You’re not...what are you here, a professor?”
He cups your face and kisses your forehead, “Darling, I don’t think you’ve been getting enough sleep, you’re talking nonsense,”
“No, no, no,” you jump off the desk and pace around the room. “If this isn’t a dream, then where am I? Some sort of other reality?”
“You mean to say you believe...this is not your world?” Viktor takes in your words intently.
“Well in my world, you fell out of love with me in favor of your work, and then you nearly died and got severely mutated by the hexcore. So yeah, I’d say things are pretty different,”
He raises an eyebrow, “Hex...core?”
“You don’t have that here?”
“Seemingly not,”
You sigh, perching yourself back on the desk, “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“No, I...I have theorized the possibility of alternate universes before, but I never thought I would come face to face with it in my lifetime,” he starts writing on the wall chalkboard. “I see no reason not to believe you. After all, my wife of this universe would probably not be saying these things,”
“We’re married?”
“Of course. Now tell me, what else is different in your universe?”
-
You’ve tried to find him everywhere—going all the secret places the two of you would go in the past, and asking people if they’ve seen him both topside and bottom. There’s no signs, not even a clue. He doesn’t want to be found.
You make your way back to Jayce’s lab, surprised to see Heimerdinger and a young man you don’t recognize with him. They fill you in on their concern about wild runes showing up around the city, and their plan to check on the hexgates. You’re desperate for anything to get your mind off Viktor, so you go along with them.
You’ve never been to the source of the hexgates before, and it’s even more grand than you imagined. One thing could go wrong and the entire thing would explode, but it’s precisely the potential of destruction that makes it all the more fascinating.
That is, until it becomes entirely unpredictable.
Your surroundings change at the blink of an eye—warped visuals and sounds you can’t make out. You scream for the others, but no one can hear.
-
You do your best to describe all the important events and details of your timeline, while Viktor takes notes on the chalkboard and compares what you say to his timeline. He seems particularly interested in his inventions in your timeline, and his partnership with Jayce—who’s no longer alive in his timeline.
“He died in an explosion here at the academy several years ago, it was a tragic accident that also killed a young girl from the undercity. He was a friend and a brilliant mind,” he pauses. “We...actually named our son after him.”
Your eyes widen, overwhelmed by this possibility of what could’ve been, “We have a son?”
“We do. And he’s perfect,” Viktor smiles softly. “You really are from a different time, aren’t you?”
You nod, trying to hold back tears. Why does this reality’s version of you get to be happy? Why does this Viktor get to dodge corruption and the hands of hubris?
Viktor gazes once again on the chalkboard notes, looking for patterns and causes for the differences in your timelines. Would he have reached the same fate if Jayce was still alive? What caused the Undercity to heal and thrive in his timeline but not in yours? Was this hextech you speak of really so destructive?
You are the same person he fell in love with, there’s no doubt in his mind about that, but you’ve been significantly more hurt than the Y/N he knows.
He steps close to you again, wiping the tears from your face and pulling you into him, “I’m so sorry your version of me has taken a different path.”
You sob into his chest, gripping his clothes. He runs his fingers through your hair and rubs your back, soothing you as if you’re his own.
But you’re not his. This isn’t your life.
You pull away, taking a deep breath, “As much as I want to stay here, I can’t keep taking over the consciousness of the me in this world. I need to find the others,”
“I don’t know if it’s possible for you to get back,” he says. “You say you got here through hextech, and that was never invented here.”
“We’ll find a way,” you run to the window, looking out to get a gauge of where you are. Heimerdinger might have landed somewhere here in the Academy too, and Ekko probably went back to the Undercity. But Jayce—if he’s dead in this universe—where would he be?
“Before you go,” Viktor places a hand on your shoulder. “Would you like to meet our son?”
Anxiety washes over you, your body going numb from the prospect. Would it only hurt you more to see a life that you could’ve created?
“Don’t you have more classes to teach, professor?” you smile, trying to turn your nervousness into something lighthearted.
“I’ll cancel for today. It’s about the time you usually pick him up from school anyway,”
He grabs his cane with one hand and takes your hand with the other, posting a quick note on his door as you leave.
-
You sit on a bench outside the elementary school, your heart pounding. This child is going to run out that building any minute, eager to see the mother he’s always known.
But you’re not her. You didn’t carry him, birth him, or raise him. You don’t have the same memories and experiences.
But you must pretend that you do.
You know which one he is immediately. He’s a perfect combination of yours and Viktor’s features, just like you’d imagined. His smile is contagious, and he wastes no time jumping into your arms.
“Look what I made at school today, Mommy!” he puts a crafty contraption in front of your face, a colorful collection of sticks and paper glued together.
“That’s so creative, honey, I love it,” but your attention is solely focused on him, his sweet face glowing with pride and joy.
“Quite the little inventor, aren’t you?” Viktor applauds him. “What else did you learn today?”
“We did reading and spelling. I can spell family now. F-A-M-I-L-E!”
“Close, sweetheart. There’s a ‘Y’ at the end,” you laugh,
“Are you sure about that?” he says, wincing his adorable face in thought. “Whatever. I learned how to spell brother and sister too, but I don’t have any of those. How do I get one of those?”
Viktor chuckles, “I’ll talk about it with your Mommy, how about that?”
“Okay!” he jumps up and starts walking home with the two of you.
-
What if I stayed? You wonder.
You’re playing with your son on the living room floor, with toys mostly made by Viktor himself. The house is small but cozy, a home you wish was really yours. What if you just stay in this dream reality forever?
What if you never find the others? What if there really is no way to get back?
But no, that wouldn’t be fair to the you of this reality. She’s the one who has this life, not you. Besides, Viktor and his son deserve their wife and mother back.
You hear a knock on the door, and Viktor goes to open it.
“Oh, Viktor, it is so good to see you.”
Your head swivels instantly towards the yordle in the entryway, “Heimerdinger! You found me!” you join Viktor at the door, “Where’s Ekko and Jayce?”
“I have not found Jayce as of yet, but I did find Ekko and sent him back to his timeline about a week ago. We found some hextech fragments and were able to use them to jump through time and space.”
“So...I can get home too?”
“As soon as you’re ready. We built the machine in a young girl’s lab in the Undercity,” he looks between you, then Viktor, and finally your son. His attitude of urgency dissipates as he begins to understand. “But...I could not blame you if you want to stay longer.”
Your son Jayce comes running to join you, grabbing onto your leg, “Who’s this guy, Mommy?”
“This is Professor Heimerdinger, he used to work at the Academy,” you pat his head, “Your dad used to be his assistant.”
“I’m sure you already have a brilliant mind, my boy,” Heimerdinger says. “Your parents must be proud.”
Little Jayce giggles.
“Actually, I would very much like to see this new invention you’ve built, Professor,” Viktor speaks up. “I’m now quite intrigued by the prospect of other universes.”
“I have no rule against you observing, Viktor, but I’m sure you understand I must destroy it after we all get back. It is too dangerous to be left here unsupervised,” Heimerdinger’s tone becomes more serious. “I’m sure Y/N has told you of the destruction hextech caused in our universe, especially to you.”
“Of course, Professor. I understand.”
-
You’ve never seen the Undercity look this beautiful.
It seems that the other version of you comes here often, so many people wave to you and little Jayce automatically runs off with some kids his age to play.
You meet a blue-haired young lady named Powder, who helped Heimerdinger and Ekko in their experiments. She looks so familiar to you, but you can’t place where you’ve seen her in your reality.
Heimerdinger explains how it works, and both you and Viktor listen intently. With everything up and running, you could go back this instant.
The pull to go back is strong, like an obligation to return to your rightful place in the universe. But the pull to stay is equally strong, as you gaze into your husband’s beautiful amber eyes that you want to find solace in forever.
“It’s your choice, my love,” Viktor says, as if reading your mind.
“I know I need to go back…” you exhale, tears welling in your eyes once again. “But I don’t know what I’m going back to,”
“I don’t know either,” he caresses your face, “But I do know you are strong in every universe,”
“I’m not,” you shake your head, “Not without you.”
“Don’t say that,” his thumbs smooth across your cheeks.
You nod, turning towards the device.
“Could you…could you kiss me one last time?” you ask.
Viktor wastes no time honoring your request, crashing his lips to yours with lasting passion. He pulls away only as you back into the circle, leaving you with one last affectionate whisper:
“I’m so fortunate to have met another version of you, my love.”
#arcane x reader#viktor arcane x reader#machine herald x reader#arcane#viktor arcane#machine herald#fem reader
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Could you do yandere head cannons for Caitlyn from arcane?
yandere headcanons: caitlyn, jayce, victor, vander
WARNINGS: implied stalking, implied drugging, infantilization, coercion, general unhealthy behaviors
AN: sooooo many requests for these guys ^^
caitlyn protective type
She wasn’t always this way. It was an accident that caused something in her to change. The bullet had just barely grazed her, a close call, but one that made her realize just how fragile everything could be. It wasn't the pain that lingered in her body, but the sense of terror that gripped her heart when she thought she might never see you again. What if it were you instead– what if the bullet didn’t just graze you? What if it went through you instead?
She was already drawn to you, but after that brush with death, Caitlyn’s feelings became something she couldn’t ignore anymore. The idea of losing you—someone who had become her rock—became a constant, gnawing presence in her mind. She had survived countless dangers before, but the thought of you slipping away was far worse.
It wasn’t long before Caitlyn started showing up more often. She would check in on you regularly, whether you were in the office or just at home, her presence now a familiar yet unspoken thing. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright," she’d say, though you couldn’t recall ever needing to be checked on. At first, it seemed like genuine concern, but soon, you began to notice how her eyes would linger just a little too long, and how her posture seemed tense when you weren’t near.
Her love, while seemingly genuine, would feel smothering at times, as if she can’t let you out of her sight for too long. She might start showing up unexpectedly, always with an excuse, but slowly turning up at your most inconvenient times. Caitlyn might resort to more extreme measures. She might manipulate situations to make you think you're in danger or that you can only trust her. She’d plant lies, create paranoia, and twist things so you decide to seclude yourself more.
Caitlyn can’t just simply be a part of your life—she’d want to control it. She would subtly start dictating where you go and, who you interact with. You’d feel like you have no room to breathe without her approval.
The near-death experience had cracked something inside of her. Caitlyn needed reassurance—not just that you were safe, but that you weren’t going anywhere. She began to ask, almost obsessively, if you were sure you were happy with her, if she was doing enough for you, if you felt as though you were being properly protected. Her doubts about her own ability to protect you made her needier, more insistent on showing that she could keep you safe from the chaos that threatened your world.
“You’re not going to leave me, are you?” You’d awoken in the middle of the night to her staring down at you in the dark bedroom. It was weird— had she been watching you sleep? Her voice was soft but heavy with something unspoken. The question hung in the air, and you could see the hint of panic in her eyes. She had always been so composed, so controlled, but this new Caitlyn—this Caitlyn who had almost lost you—was breaking down those walls.
Her jealousy would flare when she saw you interacting with others, especially anyone who showed a hint of interest in you. Caitlyn couldn’t help it. Her need to keep you safe extended to wanting to keep others away, ensuring that no one else would get too close to you. Her envy would manifest in small ways—like an extra long hug when you returned to her side, a slightly tighter grip on your hand in public. When someone else laughed with you, Caitlyn would withdraw slightly, her smile turning into something forced. “Don’t get too close to them,” she’d murmur later when you were alone, her tone carrying a mix of fear and a protective sharpness. It was as though her love for you had warped into something far darker.
She’d say things like, “You don’t need to do anything without me. I’m here to help you,” and you’d find it difficult to refuse, because behind her words was a certain pleading—an unspoken desperation for you not to pull away from her.
Her emotional dependence on you grew stronger with each passing day. Caitlyn would assure you that she wasn’t trying to control you, but her actions spoke otherwise. She couldn’t stand the idea of you slipping away from her, of you finding comfort in anyone else. You were hers to protect, and no one would ever take you from her.
On the flip side, Caitlyn's loyalty would be unwavering. If you ever found yourself in danger or in need of help, she’d stop at nothing to make sure you were okay, even if it meant making dangerous choices or going against her moral compass. In her mind, you're hers, and she'll do anything to keep you safe, even if it’s at the expense of others.
The first time she almost lost you, Caitlyn had been ready to tear the world apart to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. Now, her obsession had grown to the point where it wasn’t about safety anymore—it was about ownership. You had become her entire world, the one thing that mattered above all else.
The question was no longer how could she keep you safe. It became how could she keep you with her? She couldn’t bear the thought of you slipping through her fingers.
“Promise me you won’t leave me,” she whispered one night, her hand trembling slightly as she held you. Her eyes searched your face, looking for something that would assure her, reassure her, make her believe that you wouldn’t leave her alone in a world that felt far too dangerous without you.
You could see the vulnerability in her gaze, the fear, and the obsession lurking just beneath the surface. Caitlyn had changed. Her love for you had become a tether, a need, a consuming thing that had overtaken every part of her. And now, she needed to make sure you would never walk away.
It wasn’t just about love anymore. It was about control. It was about keeping you close, locked in her world, never letting go.
jayce fixating type
After the breakup, Jayce’s world shattered in a way he had never anticipated. For so long, he had been consumed by his work, his passion for Hextech and its potential to change the world, that he hadn’t noticed the growing distance between him and the one person who had once been his emotional anchor. His heart had been so tied to his inventions, to the pursuit of progress, that he never imagined he could lose the one thing that mattered to him more than anything—her.
When you broke up with him, it felt like the ground beneath his feet had crumbled away. The calm, steady hand that had always guided him through his struggles was suddenly gone. He tried to reason with you at first, to explain that Hextech was not just a project, but a vision—a chance to make the world a better place. But as your eyes turned away from him, he began to realize that it wasn’t just about the work. It was about him. And his focus, his obsession with Hextech, had taken him so far away from you that he had lost sight of what truly mattered.
That realization consumed him. In his mind, he couldn’t accept it—couldn’t accept the idea that it was his own blindness to your needs that had driven you away. He had never truly seen it before, but now that it was gone, he saw it everywhere: your absence, the way his lab felt colder, how every success in his work now felt hollow without you by his side. The weight of your rejection clung to him like a shadow.
And so began his obsession.
Jayce’s need to fix things started as an impulse—a desperate attempt to prove he could balance both the future of Hextech and the future with you. But as days turned to weeks and you remained distant, his obsession grew darker. He started showing up at your door, uninvited, his gaze intense, almost pleading. He would try to convince you that things could be different—that he could change, that he could be there for you. But in truth, it wasn’t about change. It wasn’t about improving himself. It was about keeping you close, where he could protect you, where he could ensure that you never left again.
Jayce had always been a man of intellect, but now, logic and reason had abandoned him. He couldn’t fathom the idea of you being free from him, of you moving on. The thought made him sick, twisting in his gut. He began to manipulate your conversations, pushing boundaries, trying to create situations where you would need him, where you would have no choice but to return. He would remind you of all the moments you had shared, the promises he had made to you, all the things that had once made you believe in him. But none of this was genuine anymore—none of it was the person he used to be. He was no longer trying to rebuild a relationship. Now, he was trying to reclaim you, no matter the cost.
The obsession deepened. He began showing up at places he knew you'd be, lingering in the background, watching you as you went about your life without him. If he couldn’t keep you at his side through words, he would make sure you couldn’t escape through actions. In the quiet moments, Jayce’s mind would race, imagining the worst—what if you found someone else? What if you grew stronger without him? What if, one day, you were truly gone?
His need to keep you close became all-consuming. Jayce started to twist the very things he loved about you into weapons for his obsession. He’d tell himself he was doing this for you, for the future of both of you. He’d tell himself that he wasn’t controlling, that he was just keeping you safe from the world outside. But deep down, he knew the truth. He was terrified. Terrified of losing you. Terrified that his obsession had driven you to a place where the only thing left was distance, and that distance was now a gulf he couldn’t cross.
Jayce had always been a man of vision, but now that vision had warped. He couldn’t see a future without you, and he couldn’t accept the possibility that you had chosen a life without him. His desire to protect, to build a better world, had been replaced by a singular focus—keeping you from slipping away. And with every attempt, every plea, he could feel his grip on you tightening. But what he didn’t realize was that the more he pulled you in, the more he suffocated what little remained of the love you once shared.
In his obsession, Jayce had lost sight of the one thing that could have healed them both: the space to breathe, to be free, to make choices. Instead, he was creating a prison of his own design, and with every day that passed, he was sealing both of your fates in it.
victor savior type
Victor had always been driven by the idea of progress. From the moment he first set foot in Piltover, he had envisioned a future where technology and science could heal the broken, the sick, and the flawed. His dreams were grand—of perfecting the human body, of eradicating weakness and suffering. But after his experiences in the Arcane, that ideal evolved. It wasn’t just about saving others anymore. It became about creating something that could be truly perfect—and, somewhere along the way, you became the focus of that vision.
At first, Victor admired you from afar, intrigued by your brilliance and passion. You were like him—a seeker of knowledge, a person striving for something more. But it wasn’t long before he began to notice the small things about you, things that most people wouldn’t see. The subtle hesitation when you looked at your reflection, the way you seemed to fight against something within yourself that you couldn’t escape. It was there in your eyes, in your posture—this quiet dissatisfaction with who you were. Victor saw it as weakness. A flaw. Something that could be fixed.
In the beginning, it was just a passing thought. A small seed planted in the back of his mind: “What if I could help them?” But as the days passed, that seed grew. Every interaction you had with Victor became tinged with this idea, this possibility that he could take you, just as he had taken his own body and reshaped it, and bring you to a higher form of existence—his vision of perfection.
He became obsessed, not with curing illness or repairing his own mechanical body, but with fixing you. Every glance, every word you spoke, was studied carefully. He began to analyze you, to understand what made you unhappy, what flaws you perceived in yourself. He noticed how you would sigh when looking at your reflection or how you’d become withdrawn after difficult interactions.
And, somewhere deep inside, Victor felt a rush of excitement. I could fix this, he thought. I could make them perfect.
Victor began to put his plans into motion. At first, it was subtle—small changes. He'd offer you assistance, claiming it was for your benefit, your health. Perhaps it was a supplement to help with fatigue, a mechanical adjustment here and there, things that would seem innocuous. But all the while, he was slipping things into your life, gently guiding you toward the idea that something needed to change—something big. He began talking more about his own work, his experiments with biomechanical evolution, how he had perfected his own body through the use of Hextech technology, how he had become better. He spoke of it with such enthusiasm, such conviction, that you couldn’t help but listen.
And you began to listen more closely, to wonder if he was right. Could you truly evolve into something better? Could you become free of the insecurities that haunted you? Victor’s words were so convincing, so filled with promise, that the idea began to take root. But even as you were drawn deeper into his world, you couldn’t quite shake the feeling that something was off. His gaze lingered too long, his smile a little too knowing, as if he saw something in you that you didn’t see yourself.
Victor was careful, patient. He needed you to want it, to believe in the perfection he promised, because that was the only way his plans could truly succeed. He began to subtly manipulate your environment, ensuring that you’d be isolated from others, making it more difficult to question his intentions. You would be so wrapped up in his ideas of progress, his vision of perfection, that you wouldn’t even think to resist.
His words became more frequent, more insistent. He’d talk about the benefits of his work, of how it could be applied to you, how much better you could be with his guidance. You’d hear him speak of the “improvements” he could make—subtle at first, but gradually escalating. The more time you spent with him, the more you found yourself considering the idea, wondering if it could really work.
But in Victor’s mind, this wasn’t just about improving you. It was about control. It was about making you into something that could never reject him again. Something perfect. You’d be his greatest creation—your flaws erased, your body transformed, your mind reshaped. In his mind, he was offering you salvation, even as he slowly ensnared you in his vision. You wouldn’t have a choice in the matter; the idea of perfection, of becoming whole, would consume you entirely. And when the time came, he would reveal his true intentions.
There would be no turning back.
Victor’s obsession grew with every passing day. He watched you carefully, analyzing how you reacted to his suggestions. Every word he spoke was another piece of the puzzle, another step toward his goal. He was a patient man, and he would wait until the perfect moment arrived, when you were so entangled in his vision that you would beg him to make you perfect.
By then, it would be too late to stop him. His arcane technology would transform you, reshape you, into something that could never reject him again. And once you were his creation, the perfect version of yourself, you would belong to him—body, mind, and soul.
vander infantilizing type
Vander was always a protector. He’d spent his life making sure the people of Zaun, especially those close to him, stayed safe from the dangers that loomed over the Undercity. To him, protection was everything—his family, his crew, and you, the person he cherished most in his heart. But over time, something shifted in his mind, a shift so gradual that neither of you noticed it at first.
It started with small acts of kindness. When you were out, Vander would show up unexpectedly, insisting on walking you home, even if it was just down the block. “Zaun can be unpredictable,” he’d say with a smile. “I just want to make sure you’re safe.” It seemed harmless at first, but there was a subtle urgency in his words, a note of unspoken control hidden beneath his seemingly loving gestures. He never directly told you what to do, but you began to feel his presence more and more, often when you least expected it.
At first, it was innocent. He would casually ask about your day, making sure you were staying out of trouble, always with a smile and a reassuring hand on your shoulder. But then the questions became more frequent. “Where were you?” “Who were you with?” “Did you get home okay?” He never seemed satisfied with a simple “I’m fine,” needing the specifics of every encounter, every moment you spent away from him.
Vander never outright said he didn’t trust you, but the way he’d check in felt more like a constant inspection, as though he had to make sure you were always on the right path. He would often show up at places you didn’t expect him to be, seemingly out of nowhere, with that protective smile of his. It wasn’t out of malice, but of love, or so he told himself. The idea that you might stray from his care, even accidentally, made him uneasy.
Vander had always treated you like an equal, someone who could handle themselves in this chaotic world. But slowly, as his protective instinct overpowered his rational thinking, he began to take over more of your responsibilities. At first, it was small things—offering to take care of errands or tasks you could easily do yourself. “You don’t need to worry about that,” he’d say, brushing it off as no trouble at all. You were busy, after all, and Vander was happy to lighten your load.
But as time went on, the things he took over grew bigger—decisions about your personal life, where you went, what you did. “I don’t think you should be hanging around them,” he’d say, and suddenly your plans for the evening were altered without so much as a thought. At first, you were grateful for his care, thinking it was just his way of protecting you. You didn’t realize that it wasn’t about care at all—it was about removing your ability to make your own choices, piece by piece, until you weren’t sure where his influence ended and your own will began.
You had always been capable of making your own decisions. But gradually, Vander began offering advice with a weight that felt more like instruction. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to go there today. I heard things aren’t safe around that part of town. You’d be better off staying in.” His words weren’t demanding, but they carried a subtle pressure. The more you heard his concerns, the more you started to question your own decisions, second-guessing yourself.
Soon, you found yourself deferring to him more often. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to do things your way, but the more he guided you, the more you felt that maybe he was right. That maybe he knew better. His opinions began to overshadow your own, and with each piece of advice, his grip on your autonomy tightened without either of you realizing it.
Vander never directly tried to pull you away from your friends or your life outside of him, but little by little, he began to discourage it. “You know, they don’t always have your best interests at heart,” he’d say with a concerned look when you mentioned spending time with someone else. He’d never speak ill of your friends outright, but his warnings always lingered in your mind.
You began to notice that you didn’t hang out with your friends as much anymore. His presence seemed to always loom, and when you tried to make plans without him, you felt guilty. His protective smile would reappear whenever you suggested a solo outing, and he’d suddenly have a reason why you shouldn’t go. “I just think it’s better if you stick with me for now. Just to be safe.”
Over time, the lines between his care and his control became blurred. You started to spend more time with him, less with others, and you began to depend on him more than you realized.
Vander’s concern turned into something more infantilizing. He would no longer treat you as an equal, but as someone who needed constant guidance. Every decision you made seemed to be followed by him taking over or offering advice that bordered on patronizing.
“You’ve been through a lot today, you should rest. I’ll take care of things,” he’d say, trying to get you to step back from your own responsibilities. He’d make you feel like you didn’t need to handle things on your own, and that, in itself, became his way of asserting control. You began to rely on him more and more for even the smallest of tasks, from taking care of your finances to managing your relationships with others.
He would smile and say, “I’m just looking out for you. You don’t need to worry about these things, I’m here to handle them for you.” At first, it seemed like an act of kindness, but over time, it felt like your independence was slipping away. Your world became smaller, controlled by the boundaries he’d created, and you found yourself feeling like a child, helpless to make decisions without his approval.
Vander’s control was insidious. His intentions were good—he wanted to protect you, to shield you from the harsh world of Zaun—but in doing so, he lost sight of the balance between care and domination. His protection slowly became a cage, and what was once a bond built on mutual respect began to feel more like an overbearing relationship.
“You know I’m only doing this because I love you, right?” he would say, when the tension between the two of you grew. His eyes, full of affection and pride, would hold you in place, as if to remind you that he was the one who knew best. He wanted to protect you, but in his mind, protecting you meant controlling your life, even if you didn’t see it at first.
The more he infantilized you, the more he believed he was doing what was best. After all, he was the one who had been through it all, the one who understood the world better than you ever could. And you, in turn, began to wonder if he might be right, and you started to lose sight of who you were before he came into your life.
Vander had built a world around you—one where you needed him, one where you couldn’t escape. And you began to wonder: had you been protected… or trapped?
please let me know if you would like to be added to my taglist to be notified everytime i post, xx
taglist: @opropheticsoul @randomperson291 @arevik2345 @gravegoer @d3eathnotes
#caitlyn kiramman#jayce#victor#vander#caitlyn arcane#jayce arcane#victor arcane#vander arcane#caitlyn x reader#jayce x reader#victor x reader#vander x reader#arcane#arcane league of legends#arcane headcanon#league of legends#yandere#ao3
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how u'd divide seventeen members at being best at oral, breast play, fingering or penetrative sex
seventeen and their specialities
warnings: smut content, mdni
best in...
oral – seokmin; mingyu;
breast play – joshua; junhui; vernon;
fingering – jeonghan; jihoon; minghao; seungkwan;
penetrative sex – seungcheol; soonyoung; wonwoo; chan;
seungcheol – penetrative sex; it's just what he enjoys the most and is best in. he gives me impatient vibes for foreplay; he goes for a while if needed or if you want to... but he can't wait to fuck you as soon as possible. he NEEDS you.
jeonghan – oral and fingering; for both, he can tease you... doesn't like or do oral that much, but he's extremely good at it, and you're always over the edge when he does. therefor, likes to keep it casual, so it's something you're always longing for, but don't always have, this teasing little shit.
joshua – breast play; could go houuurrrss on this. he loves the way he can take his time and make you get so wet before he even touches you down there. loves the sight of your wet boobs with his saliva and sensitive red bud.
junhui – breast play; he loves because it's something he can be lazy about, just staying there and playing with your titties, watching you squirm and moan with no big effort. and it's also something that gets both of you worked up.
soonyoung – penetrative sex; same as cheol... even though his stamina is crazy good, he will always want to use it while fucking you. he loves to switch positions as many times as he can, he doesn't mind as long he's pounding inside you.
wonwoo – breast play and penetrative sex; fucking you on missionary while having your boobs on his tongue? yes! that's his dream place to be, his fucking favorite. he even has to do his best not to burst his nuts way too soon.
jihoon – fingering; his fucking speciality! those fingers do wonders on you. literally, he will get you to cum on his fingers, no matter what. before penetrative sex or not, he's always willing to have his long digits inside your walls.
seokmin – oral and fingering; way too good with his fingers but doesn't like it as much as fucking you with his mouth. he's never wasting having his tongue on your pussy, loves the taste, the sounds you make and how desesparate you both get, it's always the hottest point on sex.
mingyu – oral; please, sit on his face. or just let this man eat you out for how long he wants. you know im an avid believer of pussydrunk mingyu. loves the way your legs close on his head and how you press him more by his scalp and roll your hips onto him. he's there but you're the one on control and guiding all of this. he LOVES it.
minghao – fingering; such slutty fingers. he likes it so much that he would even like to add some kink stuff to it, like bondage or sensory play while he fingers you. if it was up to him, that would be even more than half of the sex, tbh.
seungkwan – oral and fingering; he will get you to cum on his tongue and on his hand before he even gets to fuck you. he loves to finger you like it's a casual thing, under the table, while the movie is playing, in the morning... just a thing he does and will leave it be as soon as you cum.
vernon – breast play; similar to jun, he can just be lazy about it. he likes to touch and play with your breast while you're on top of him, always get you to dry hump him or just grind down on his length. it's his favorite foreplay for sure.
chan – penetrative sex; hips don't lie... he's good good. he can get deep inside you and likes to throw you around the bed until he reaches your sweet spot. loves how you squirm and whine under him, no matter what pace he takes.
#boofeine inbox#was wannabelife#seventeen#fanfic#svt scenarios#seventeen scenarios#svt headcanons#svt x reader#seventeen smut#svt smut#seventeen x reader#seventeen headcanons
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Ooh perhaps 15 or 21 for the drabble prompts? 💜
Sure!! (Prompts)
15. Trembling Hands and 21. Collapse
The endless, monotone blare of a car horn pierces Leon's skull like an arrow, the throb of pain left in the wake of such a sharp sound radiating outwards until he's not sure where he ends and the agony begins. Every inch of him hurts, an ache spreading all the way down his spine that finds purchase even in the farthest of his extremities, pulsing through every finger and nail. Leon groans, shifting.
He finds that he can't move very far, his left arm and leg pinned by something heavy and hard that hurts when he tries to wiggle free of. His forehead rests on something solid, but there's a confusing mass of gray obscuring his vision, sluggish mind struggling to recognize it as the airbag. Right, that's right---he was driving? For some reason it's hard to know exactly what's going on. He tries again to lift his head, this time managing to get a glimpse of too-bright, colorful lights flickering around him, a cacophony of sound assaulting him as the discordant ringing of the car horn underlines it all.
Something scrapes at the side of the car, the shriek of metal loud enough that Leon winces. There's a voice, he thinks, shouting somewhere, but it's hard to tell. Dazedly, Leon lets his aching body fall back against the seat, the sight of his own blood dripped across the airbag making him lightheaded. It's not the first time he's seen it, by any means, but he's starting to feel nauseous and his right arm is sticky with the stuff. He pushes lazily at the force pinning him in place---only to find it falling away, losing his balance when the support disappears.
Leon hits the pavement hard, the impact sending a starburst of pain from the side of his skull to the rest of his body, a weak cry escaping him. There are louder voices now, all around him, but Leon isn't about to stay and find out what they want. He drags himself forward by the fingertips in order to get the space to force himself back to his feet---only to collapse again immediately, the world going black.
He comes back to find himself lying on something hard with the orange of the sunset's glow painting the sky far above, voices and lights and figures still surrounding him like he's some kind of exhibit in a zoo that they can gawk at and prod. It's too much sensation to handle when his head feels like it's about to explode, and he dips back under with relief.
The next time he wakes, there are hands on his throat, Leon's eyes going wide as he kicks instinctively to escape. He scrabbles at the hands holding him in place in an attempt to claw them away, a pathetic, heaving sob passing through his lips as he feels another pair of hands land on his shoulders to hold him down. He doesn't even sound like himself, and he realizes with panic that they've already crushed his throat enough that he can't speak. Something hard presses up against the sides of his neck, curves of unbending material fitted to the curve of his jaw and the dip of his collar bones.
"It's alright, sir, we're just stabilizing your spine, okay?" someone says, maybe the pair of arms still hovering around Leon's face as he clutches at their forearms with trembling hands.
" 'm fine," Leon slurs, "go 'way."
He tries to sit up, much to the alarm of the voices around him, but his head feels like a rock. He collapses back to the ground with a hoarse grunt, upper body too heavy to lift with the weakness that's stolen into his shivering limbs.
"N-no," he says softly, but nobody listens. The world blurs as he feels something hard slip under his body, his head surrounded by sturdy blocks as the rest of it is strapped down, hands wrapped around the pair of forearms in a death grip. They don't tie down his hands, he notices distantly, probably the only thing that keeps him from panicking as a blanket settles over his body and he's lifted into the air.
There are voices; doors slamming, but Leon can only focus on the dying embers of sunlight in the clouds above, head and neck too immobilized to look anywhere else. His eyelids are growing heavy, but he fights the urge to close them until bright lights blaze into view, the headache much easier to manage when his pupils aren't being burned. One of them lifts of its own accord, the light growing brighter before disappearing entirely. Leon can't find in in himself to care. He's just so damn tired.
Leon sleeps.
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might i suggest u get into obey me? 🤭
I did try getting into obey me like,,, last year i think?? Unfortunately I didn't get very far into the story :[ idk why but with mobile games I often get into it for a few days at most and then never touch it again after (whb, nu:c, pgr though i still rlly like Lee and no i do not have a type please stop spreading misinformation, and dislyte are some games I can think of on the top of my head and what do you know, they're all gacha games LMADOADOAOD). Purely design wise I like Belphie a lot but i never met him in game lolol also he likes naps and I like naps too
the outline of the other eye being visible is kinda pissing me off tho why is it still there mf its covered why can we see it
#okay so my theory as to why i get into games for only a week max is bc i keep forgetting i downloaded them on my phone like you know how#android phones have that game center thing where they put all the games into one app so it's all organized? yeah. it's that things fault#like without the icon of it in my homescreen i just completely forget abt it's existence#i think i have zero object permanence bro im 💀#out of sight out of mind but to the extreme#OH the ppl who made pgr are making an open world game called wuthering waves and im super excited to try it out !#my friends are also gonna try blue protocol next year so i might try it too :]#franswers
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the red camellia is undeniably soukoku's flower to me. they bloom in the cold, through snow and winter chill. they're at their most beautiful in the harshest conditions when everything else is dormant or dead. they're a symbol of perseverance and strength and passion. but at the end of the line, they 'behead' themselves when they die, refusing to drop petal by petal, choosing to go when they're still beautiful, refusing to compromise the rest of the tree by rotting on the branch.
#idk they just remind me of how chuuya willingly puts himself through hell for those he loves#corruption is breathtaking but its not sustainable ( obviously ) and#camellia trees open many buds in succession#because they die so quickly ultimately putting great strain on the tree for the sake of securing a successful blooming cycle#they're extremely susceptible to rot and root disease#the 'beheading'#symbolized a noble death to samurai and warriors#who would choose death over showing weakness and dishonor#camellia flowers drop from the rest of the tree#like they can't bear to die a slow death#and bring down the beauty of the flowers that surround them#like dazai#who puts himself in isolating#and dangerous scenarios#because even if he doesn't succeed ( he always does ) at least he'll go out of sight and out of mind#he faces enemies alone#even when he doesn't have to#argh#<- guy who is really normal about watching the camellia tree outside of their window bloom and die over the last few months#rare instance of niko yapping enjoy it
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Hey, look guys, more art-
HOPE.
I’ve been wanting to draw him like this ever since I first saw him smile, but my will to draw eluded me until now! This started off as a doodle, so, please excuse the messiness. I drew this to de-stress.
“Fire” Red belongs to @creatively-cosmic. They have a blog called @themissingnumbers, which is really good! Go check it out if you want to see more.
[Sketch + Colored Version below the cut!]
#Not my greatest work but it’s what I made :)#Hope you don’t mind the lack in quality- haha#I’ve made better pieces#but I still like this one!#I feel like I’m getting better at drawing his hair lmao-#I just kinda messed around with this one but I really wanted to draw him smiling#Fire smiling makes me happy :)#He deserves to be happy#and I hope I can help him attain that happiness.#Even if my help is the equivalent of Baby Steps lmao#Gotta start somewhere!#I could not find the font used for the hidden text for the life of me#but I found a similar one!#Hope Starry and the Mods are doing well!#And I hope we get to see more Happy/Hopeful Fire in the future :)#His smile is precious-#(Bonus!: Y’know what I really wanna see? Red smiling. And not the creepy wide/crazy/manic smiles he usually has.#I mean a true honest-to-god genuine smile. Now THAT would be a sight for the history books. Red deserves to smile too.#Just like everyone else does.#That might be my next goal aside from befriending Leaf—getting Red to smile.#Is that probably going to be extremely difficult? Oh most definitely! But I think he’s worth the effort.)#(Bonus-Bonus!: I wanna give Red a hug so bad-#but I also feel like he’d bite me or something if I tried :(#Maybe he’d just let it happen? Or cry. Or both—who knows?#Red deserves some gentle treatment. He’s been through a lot too.)#I wonder who I’ll get the will to draw next? Hopefully I’ll do them justice!#Long ahh tags Jesus Christ- Didn’t know I could max them out.#Missing Numbers#Fire Red Yuuji#My Art
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What's current Morghaine's backstory? How did they end up hunting mages?
instead of the original morghaine’s archfey warlock patron, the questionable motherly figure in morghaine’s life was their high elf parent, from an influential family of morally dubious enchantment wizards. their mother claimed to be different from the rest, and perhaps she was... but with their memory repeatedly modified to keep them from leaving the “safety” of their home for the dangerous outside world, morghaine wouldn’t even know. after their stumbling attempts at wizardry summoned a familiar who led them on an escape, a young morghaine found themself in the middle of a baldur’s gate they didn’t even recognise, with nothing but a slowly clearing head and the need to get out.
morghaine might never have had quite their family’s gift for the arcane, but they learned enough about casters to know how to stop one in their tracks. plenty of mercenary bands know exactly the standoffish, intimidating gloomstalker to call when the fight ahead involves someone with a few too many magical tricks up their sleeve. morghaine always figured it was good training for the hunt ahead. they might not remember much, but they remember enough to know that one day, their family needs to be stopped
#its extremely half baked im playing it by ear as i go but this is the gist#morghaine perilous#essentially their mother did on some level want to be different#but grief for morghaine’s father sent her tumbling right down that slippery slope#what’s a few modify memorys to keep terror from your child’s mind. to keep them innocent for as long as possible.#to make sure the family’s secrets don’t weigh them down. to keep them safe. to stop them from turning against you when you’re all they have#to stop them from going out into the big dangerous world. to make sure you never lose them like you lost their father#to make them forget what the family asked you to do in exchange for their help with this.#to make them forget they loved the sight of the sea
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fyodor priest au. Discuss
#He’d be a priest in a small Russian villiage#Very religious place#He himself was raised and still is very devout#He’s incredibly smart but never got any education after high school#(a mix of his family probably never went to university+he already had his sights set on becoming a priest)#and despite him believing in his role/job in his village he still finds life mind numbingly boring and repetitive#(he just isn’t getting the mental stimulation he needs in such a boring and small place)#Starts questioning wether he made the right decision and having such extreme and blasphemous thoughts as taking a break moving out and#Getting a degree……….. shocking#He’s also gay. And I think he knows this. Or at least knows he’s had such thoughts towards men. But his town is very conservative and he#Himself has some internalised homophobia and religious guilt stuff going on#So he’s either in denial or represses it all#I’m rambling. The exam stress is really getting to me#But I actually really like this idea wait#bsd fyodor
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The ADHD experience is forgetting where you set you cup down five minutes ago, but being able to pick up where you end off in a conversation you had 10 years ago. It's remembering the fine details of a book but forgetting who gave it to you, or if you bought it yourself. It's remembering a thing your best friend mentioned an interest in, but forgetting their birthday even though you've been best friends for 10+ years.
When we are bored, we become the equivalent of a husky in a cubicle. When the boredom gets bad, we break down, crying, and fall into a deep depression.
It's randomly getting the intense and overwhelming craving for a bowl of plain rice or a slice of bread with a little butter on it, and craving nothing else. Just this dose of carbs that brings absolute satisfaction.
It's fighting to convince your body to move and acquire food and water, but you remain trapped on the sofa, your brain and body will not move even though you haven't eaten or had anything to drink in 12 hours. You need to use the bathroom, your bladder is raging, and the only thing that finally gets your brain to behave is the pain.
ADHD isn't just some cute thing of being distracted with a case of the zoomies. It's a nightmare that results in losing jobs, poor eating habits, insomnia so bad you're awake for three days and fall asleep only because you're exhausted, and your home is filthy even though you desperately want to clean it up. There's nothing enjoyable about this fuckery.
#chaosfay talks#adhd#my hatred of vermin ants and other pests as well as my allergies are what keep my home clean. though i fight my brain so i can clean#the bathroom. the chemicals mess with my asthma so i wear a mask and gloves are necessary because of textures and skin reactions#i have a small wardrobe and hate shopping for clothes which means laundry gets done. a small house means it gets put away ASAP#but kitchen stuff? cooking is extremely difficult because i get distracted and forget to do things. ny husband is a professional#cook and enjoys cooking for me. we have a rice cooker now which means i'm eating lots of rice and satisfying my carb cravings#i have loud obnoxious alarms set up for med reminders especially now that i take meds twice a day instead of once a day#it's why i have meds set up in little organizers so i can just dump thr daily doses in my hand without trying to remember if i took them#it's why we're gonna remove the doors from the cupboards and cabinets and replace them with the kind you can see through#because out of sight out of mind 100% applies to my life. my cat is also very good at reminding me to feed her and clean her litter box#i might not remember your birthday but i can pick up our conversation from 10 years ago when i last saw you#even if i can't remember your name i will remember what we were chatting about as though it was only five minutes ago
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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can't stress enough that you guys don't have to answer every single ask you get. in fact you can just delete them. especially if they are causing you psychic damage.
#x#re: last reblog and that one post that critiques the idea of not responding to anon hate#if someone is trying to bait you in your asks then delete it you are not obligated to answer every stranger's questions#especially if they're extremely fucking probing questions#and if u get hate its better to just let that shit go by deleting it#i cant think of a single person who has benefited in any way from responding to hate.#it doesnt make you look bad like that one post implies but it definitely exacerbates your own negative reaction to it#at random sometimes ill get a guy sending me a bunch of hate at once and guess what. nobody ever knows bc i delete it#and as a result i dont remember what the guy even said in the first place. out of sight out of mind#but back to the baiting shit - ppl bait me sometimes too and its so easy to just delete an ask taking ur comments in bad faith#very few ppl will continue to take ur shit in bad faith so if u just delete the annoying anons then it doesnt become a bigger issue
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of course ppl have no obligation to care about characters they don't like... & fandom is about doing what you want and having fun... & it's inevitable for fanon to simplify the cast into little cardboard cutouts...
but i Do wish that ppl who pour a lot of love & effort into analyzing + developing the relationships of + having empathy for the circumstances of the main characters would extend more than a fraction of that to other characters. like my favorite girl kevin day 🐈⬛
#ok. i admit i might like side characters a bit too much. b/c i hate to see an interesting situation go to waste and i ♡ making things up#(<- guy who literally has a tetsuji & kayleigh section in their rambling thoughts doc)#but i do think it's a fair gripe to have abt characters w/ the plot relevancy of say. kevin 🐈⬛#this may turn into a kevin complaints tirade i'm afraid#we have all heard it before... but i think of it often...#like. I Get that 90% of the time he appears he's either 1. reeling from recent trauma 2. engrossed in special interest or 3. plot device#and of course it's hard to conceptualize him as having other desires based on canon b/c he literally isn't developed enough as a character#to be shown with them. And tkm cuts off right at a point where he'd be reeling from another major change (abuser being killed)#so the easy solution is to take what we see in canon (snapshot of him as he behaves in an extremely turbulent situation) (from neil's pov)#(with all of its biases & skewedness) and leave it at that + only write abt him in ways that don't make things difficult for main charas#+ further boil it down into spineless & anxious yet bitchy & ascetic exy alcoholic w/ no relationships.#hm. lemme say this. of course this isn't true everyone who hcs kevin as aroace#& it makes sense to relate to a character who isn't too focused on any relationships as someone who's acespec#so i don't dislike the hc at all. but at the same time i do think that sometimes ppl hc him as aroace for reasons#that aren't coming from the best/most genuine of places: one being that it's easy#ppl don't have to think of him having desires that aren't explored in the snapshot of canon we're given#or really write him in any complex relationships (even platonic ones). like he's out of sight & out of mind#he's not a threat to andreil as a couple/the ot3 tension from kevin being surgically cut from the romantic narrative#can also be dismissed as accidental (?)#lastly this is a reach sure but ppl do like assigning any character w/ vaguely neurodivergent traits as acespec#'how could they be in/even be interested in relationships if their social skills & interests & behaviors are like That' & etc.#i am not sure... sometimes the fanon just rubs me the wrong way... i am just talking to myself on my blog.#mimithoughts#kevin
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Anyway, hope you're all doing well
I just... I haven't slept and also I've got like... 2-4 days of tumblr to catch up on... mostly to make sure I don't lose anything I want to keep requeuing
In many ways I'm probably doing better than I have been in a long time... maybe ever, but... I've got zero focus, I can barely watch youtube videos, I certainly can't play games... I can't get myself to clean... I don't know man
It's like... it's like my mind's empty except for some thick clear goopy sludge... it's like being over at a strange house sat alone in a big room waiting for people to come back... not wanting to touch anything so you just sit there staring and feeling out of sorts, except it's just constant in my own house in my own room... just saw Bart flop down in front of my door and realized I'm so out of it I forgot I had cats
It's like I'm living every moment in the moment, but not in a peaceful way, in a I'm untethered from reality and trying to figure out plans or how to deal with getting everything sorted out is just kinda painful kinda way
Then my mood... well... I kinda have no mood. I'm fucking numb if I'm honest. I have flavor opinions like "I'm worthless and should kill myself", but I actually don't even feel depressed right now, I feel nothing
I don't see much point to my future even if everything goes great, and I would like to kill myself, but I have zero interest in even considering it right now even though I have everything I need around if I just stand up and take a single step
So... much as it probably sounds like I'm just pure in the trash right now, I'm actually in many ways probably doing better than I ever have before... I'm just also real messed up right now at the same time
I don't feel hopeful, I never feel hopeful, but I do feel like I can maybe guide shit into a good position, it's just once again I figure that even if I do everything I want to with being able to help other people out and stuff, I'll still just kinda end up alone in a crowd
You know... funny thing is I'm thinking "the fuck is even the point I wanted to make?", and I realize... my point was actually that I'm doing pretty good and not to worry... not sure how well I'm selling it, but it's true
I hesitate to assign anything to myself, my stance on me and anything I can't conclusively say tends to be no comment... but if I were looking at someone else describing what I'm feeling in my position, I might be inclined to say burnout... months of having to be on and clean and manage everything and... all that... well it's one explanation, who knows if it's correct
Anyway though, I'm good, don't worry, know I do appreciate you all and wish I had more brain power to say more to more people... it's just maybe kinda sad that this is my version of doing good... the fuck is wrong with me if I wake up everyday feeling like I've been beaten with clubs... and for me this is kinda peak... what's that say about my baseline?
Doesn't matter, only thing to do is keep moving forward
Guess insomnia paired with not really being able to think, like words just kinda pop out with no planning... guess it makes me ramble real bad, this was supposed to be like one or two paragraphs being positive
It's a Beautiful World
#mm tag so i can find things later#to be clear; I'm referencing the Devo song; and if you know the song... that's kinda a negative thing to say#it's a beautiful world... for you... it's not for me#that's the sentiment I express when I say that; just to avoid confusion... though... confusion I can't deny is also kinda the point#I like hiding things in plain sight; I like lies of omission#...but also... is it so bad to try and let people think I'm being more positive than I am seeing as people have a problem with how I am?#makes them sad; you know?#I'm not even meaning to be negative; I'm just trying to lay out my thoughts so people don't have to read my mind#I think people will probably read this and take it as extremely negative but... it more just is#my brain feels broken right now... that's not meant as doom and gloom... just a statement of fact#people always seem to worry about me... but... they kinda... worry about the wrong stuff#...they kinda... it's like if someone was really worried cause I skinned my knee and it looked real gross but was pretty surface#and I just couldn't get them to stop focusing on that and listen to the fact I had internal bleeding and that was much worse#it's not the fact I want to kill myself that's the problem; it's not that I can often be melancholic#it's all the systemic issues going on... the isolation; the... never feeling like I succeed... that kinda thing; you know?#the money and the getting things stabilized#even if life goes perfect and I even somehow get the stuff I think is literally impossible for me to get that I want so bad#...good chance I'll still be kind of melancholic#...but would that really be so bad? if I was just a little glum when it came to me?#despite the fact that with everything that's not me I say 'lets just keep moving forward and change what we can'?#despite the fact I tend to have a very upbeat... lets not dwell on the past; lets see how we can fix the now kinda mindset?#despite the fact I think I must seem a bit stupid and bumbling in person cause I always tend to be kinda 'it is what it is'?#just because I think bad thoughts and you hear how I think on here... my actions aren't enough to outweigh that?#clean all that shit; but I dare to not like myself very much... seems like weighing the two I really am just negative or whatever; eh?#and by god always make sure to tell me to get a therapist even though I'm both working on that and also it won't fix me#if therapy fixed me I'd be fixed at like 14; it's systemic shit; like I said... therapist can just help a bit#...what I really need is for more people to turn towards me a bit more... 20% of the time even... nah I don't want to elaborate#I don't want to phrase that the more understandable way; I want everyone to... miss it... I can't stand to be seen and then ignored... agai#wish people would worry a little less about me and help a little more... mostly by just being company#can't a body fall down stairs in peace? you know?
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Love the idea of the little wings at Robin’s waist and head fluttering whenever she’s flustered.
#✮┆ ( .ooc. );#hc; robin#//Love the idea of her little wings at her waist fluttering whenever she kisses a much taller partner; like they’re thing to help her reach#//Love the idea of them being a little sensitive to the touch; so she really makes a point to keep people from touching them#//Not even really in a suggestive way for the most part; it’s kinda like how cats don’t like being touched on the pads of their paws#//Nerve receptors and all that—however she will give her partner leeway; bc she knows they wouldn’t hurt her#//Plus she thinks they might like seeing her flustered—she might find it embarrassing; but if THEY like it#//She doesn’t mind letting them have their fill of fun; she rlly Likes their smirks & chuckles#//If they get a real kick out of seeing her flustered; she gets a kick out of seeing THEM smug#//Thinks it’s sooo attractive#//Whoops veered a little lol#//If her partner likes her wings; she would actually tend to let them unfurl and flutter more for them to see and touch#//She Knows how to show off and would utterly THRIVE under their attention; esp any admiration/compliments to her wings#//she takes V good care of them; after all. Also; partners who volunteer to help her preen them? she would ADORE them#hc; sunday#//Bc he too has that same habit with his wings. All the above. Basically applies EXCEPT#//Sunday is even MORE particular about touch on his wings; HATES having them mussed up even the slightest bit#//Only a VERY trusted partner is allowed to touch them (or him at ALL); anybody else might trigger him a bit#//He’ll keep himself together until he’s out of sight; then immediately lose his gottdam mind & need a Moment#//When he DOES allow touch; he gets a little overwhelmed with it. Mans is SO touch starved#//But at the same time; can’t stomach it half the time. And don’t get me started on how Weak he is for cocky partners#//Drives him NUTS; both in terms of being attracted to them but also Annoyed with them lmao#//he is just as proud of his wings as his sister is; perhaps even MORE so#//Might posture and show them off unprompted the Instant he knows his partner likes them (when one-on-one)#//You can practically see him GLOWING at any compliments he gets over them and how neat his feathers are; how glossy and lovely#//Preening; though: he is EXTREMELY particular abt it. He never trusts anyone outside himself but Robin to do it (bc she has them too)#//His partner has to be VERY close & trusted to even be allowed to SEE him preening; much less be allowed to do it FOR him#//He’s so v particular abt his presentation; he will NOT want them to see him (&his wings) anything but perfect#//Which is why he’s got such mixed feelings abt his partner teasing & riling him up; losing that control/composure over himself#//For them to have him like that; SEE him that flustered & Vulnerable—it leaves him quite Uneasy; but it is also undeniably Exciting
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My biggest gripe with Nancy Wheeler is that the shitty way she treats people, her overinflated ego, and her selfishness are all forgiven because she falls under the 'badass final girl' trope.
Yeah, she can shoot shit. Doesn't mean she doesn't treat people like shit on a somewhat routine basis and look down on almost everyone around her.
#its one of my least favorite canon AND fanon things#that steve especially is like 'oh no youre so badass i TOTALLY get why you treated me like dogshit'#and the way she is the ariana grande of hawkins and cant end one relationship to start another#shes a very out of sight out of mind person and she is extremely controlling and im not sure people admit that about her relationships
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