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rustandruin · 7 years ago

Text

cut to the feeling

AO3

He has that dream again. The one where it's exactly a year later and they're both in Vegas stood in front of a cheesy Elvis impersonator in a dimly lit chapel.

Or, the one where Aaron spends his entire birthday in a mood and discovers that Robert's finally taken off his wedding ring.

He has that dream again. The one where it's exactly a year later and they're both in Vegas stood in front of a cheesy Elvis impersonator in a dimly lit chapel as he reads them their vows. Only this time the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll looks a lot like his on-the-run best mate, while his teenage sister (who still refuses to wear a dress) is the one who slips him his ring, and the man beaming at him while answering, "I do" is his ex-husband — notthe fit doctor he’s currently seeing.

And somehow the craziest part of this whole scenario isn't that he knows it's a dream (because he does ). It's that he knows and still doesn't want to forget a single moment and how happy it all makes him. And of course because he's him, and his brain is what it is, he remembers every blistering, heated moment upon waking up; how they'd spent the rest of their night either joined at the hip or linked through their fingers, even at the slots where they’d each chosen adjacent machines unwilling to be apart from each other for even a minute; how he’d looked up from a game of Blackjack only to catch sight of Robert just staring at him and smiling his softest of smiles (the one that feels like beginnings of a sunrise, it's warmth sweeping over the recipient until they feel it in their toes); Robert whispering, "Goodnight Mr. Sugden" in his ear, voice heavy with sleep and his arm wrapped around Aaron’s waist as he lies pressed up against his side, his head on Aaron’s chest, while Aaron plays with his wedding band and whispers back, "Goodnight Mr. Dingle,” into the top of Robert’s head only to be greeted with an unceremonious snore.

He takes a shower to try and wash the remnants away. The last thing he needs on his birthday is to rub one out to memories of a dream of an ex — especially when he and said ex have made a pact to move on and be friends and nothing more. That being said, it's a far cry from where he'd imagined their lives being last year. You can't always get what you want... Aaron jumps as he brushes by the shower radio and it bursts to life with strains of Mick Jagger, only to die a few seconds later with a well-timed, poetic convenience. He's half tempted to just toss it in the bin in a swell of annoyance, but Robert had installed it in here for him when they were first preparing to move in, knowing Aaron's fondness for shower listening — even if their musical tastes had never synced up. (Despite Robert’s numerous jokes otherwise, he actually does listen to all manner of pop, though Aaron has managed to introduce him to a few indie artists that are closer to his own sensibilities. Or as Robert puts it while cueing Ryan Adam’s cover of ‘Shake It Off’ for the billionth time, “Compromise.”)

Walking out of the ensuite, he notes with an inexplicable relief that the bed remains unmade. (Alex has a weird habit of making the bed first thing in the morning, which is a bit of an adjustment after a year of Robert insisting they leave it as is because they had "unfinished business." The innuendo had gotten old fast, but not the sentiment behind it. Or the actions it caused.) Slipping on some pants he tries to steer his mind away from memories of Robert. He's been doing really well on that front since Christmas. Aside from the occasional relationship retrospective every now and then, his brain has been quite cooperative with his attempts to move on.

Only, as it unhelpfully reminds him as he throws on a striped grey shirt, today isn't just any day. It's his birthday. A day he would prefer pass with as little fuss as possible. But given what he'd overheard Alex say on the phone yesterday, that won’t be the case. So he tamps down on his desire for a quiet dinner with his mother and Liv (and maybe Gerry and Paddy) and heads out the door, bracing himself for whatever may be awaiting him at the foot of the stairs.

:::::

His morning starts out a bit much but manages to get increasingly tolerable as it goes on.

First, there’s a gathering of almost all his immediate family (and Gerry) in his kitchen, complete with presents and cake and singing. It’s not toofar off from what he’d actually expected Alex to do, but it’s much, much more restrained, which he appreciates a lot — recurring dreams of his ex-husband aside.

(Just to make sure, he checks and his mum states that it’s just the people here, and feels a momentary stab of something like disappointment at that declaration.)

The cake Alex has purchased is some kind of birthday-cake-flavoured cheesecake confection which is fine, but a bit cold and not what Aaron would choose first thing in the morning. (Like most things in his life, his tastes run simple: chocolate, vanilla, and if he’s really, really feeling adventurous, coffee.) But Alex is just so excited and Aaron does like him — or at the very least, is trying to — and he doesn’t want to brush him off again, seeing how patient the man is when he gets moody (especially lately with all the stuff over Christmas, and more recently with Adam).

Then there’s Faith and Cain (and Isaac), who he runs into on his way to the scrapyard. Faith extends her arms wide, wrapping him in a hug while exclaiming, “Happy Birthday Love!” while Cain stands to the side with the stroller and gives him a nod later accompanied by a terse, “Happy Birthday” while Faith chirps, “From Isaac, too!”

“Thanks,” Aaron replies, smiling at his sleeping baby cousin.

“Got any fun plans?” Faith asks, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. “Schedule a check-up with your hot doc?”

Feeling the blood instantly rush to his face, he mumbles something about an urgent appointment with a client, shoves his hands into his pants pockets and beats a hasty getaway. He knows she means well, but the only thing he wants to do less than discuss his sex life with his grandmother is discuss it with Cain Dingle present.

The last familiar face he encounters that morning is Vic, who he runs into as she’s departing Keeper’s.

At first, he’s a little hesitant about whether to say anything, considering her outburst during their last encounter, but then he sees that she’s spotted him.

“Aaron! Hey, Aaron!” She calls, making her way over to him when he pauses in the street. “I got you somethin’… Happy Birthday.”

She pushes her handbag strap up her shoulder, holding it there while reaching out with her other arm to hand him a paper gift bag.

“It’s not much, but I know Adam mentioned you two going on a lads camping trip at some point…” She swallows and continues. “It’s not the same thing, but he kept joking he might get you one of these.”

Aaron reaches in and fishes out what is a sleeping mask-safari-mask-blanket combo. The entire ridiculous thing is in camo print. He smiles and lets out a chuckle.

“At least this way I won’t have to see his ugly mug,” he jokes.

“Funny. That’s what he said about you when he saw it,” Vic says, eyes twinkling. “Um. There’s also something in there from me.”

He reaches in and pulls out a second item: a framed photo of him and Adam from a few years ago when they’d both gone to France and attempted to go fishing. Looking at their younger faces he flashes back to that afternoon when they were both drenched in lake water and absolutely sloshed. He’d known Adam had attempted a selfie, but he hadn’t known that it had been successful and that there was proof of their misadventure lying about. He must have missed it the day he’d been assembling Adam’s travel bag.

Sensing his questions, Vic says, “We kept it in the bedroom. He was always tellin’ me about that day and the face you made when you fell into that lake. It was his favourite photo of the two of yas. Thought it was only right you get to keep it.”

“Thanks Vic,” he croaks out, tears stinging his eye. “It means a lot.”

“Don’t thank me,” she mentions shyly. “Can’t be easy to celebrate your birthday with your best mate on the run.”

He nods and leans forward to hug her.

“Seriously,” he whispers into her ear. “Thank you.”

“This doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at ya,” she mumbles into his chest half-heartedly.

They move apart and shoot each other sad smiles.

“Comin’ to the pub today?” She asks, her tone brighter as she prepares to make her exit.

“Yeah.” Aaron answers. He’s not sure what Alex has planned for lunch, but he’s sure they can squeeze in a quick, free drink at some point in the day.

“Great,” Vic gives his arm a squeeze. “See ya then!”

And with that, she walks away.

As he turns back to head on his way, his eyes do a sweep of the cottage. Only this time he’s hit with a vague feeling of… disappointment . He pegs the emotion as a reaction to his missing Adam and continues on.

(Even though a small voice inside him suggests that this is not the reason the box room window is what drew his lingering gaze.)

:::::

Luckily, the rest of his morning is fairly lowkey.

Work hasn't piled up too much. It’s just a matter of plowing through the paperwork and invoices — neither of which were Adam’s strong suit anyway.

But that isn’t the reason he can’t seem to focus.

No. The cause of this particular listlessness is that still recurring feeling of disappointment. Or rather, that he’s missing… something . He’s not sure what he’s looking for, but he hadn’t expected to find the portacabin empty. At the very least he’d expected to walk in on Jimmy taking his mid-morning nap, his bearlike snores rattling the entire structure they share.

Unable to shake it, he puts away the spreadsheets and numbers and grabs his neon vest and gloves and heads outside. Might as well channel his frustrated energies into something productive.

:::::

Lunch is a muted affair — and as a result, the best part of his day so far.

Alex calls him before noon asking if it's okay that they grab lunch in the pub. He says something about possibly having to go on call, but Aaron is just relieved. He’d assumed that Alex’d had something slightly fancy planned in Hotten, and hadn’t been feeling too up for it. But a couple of burgers and pints at the Woolie sounds perfect, which he lets the other man know.

When Aaron arrives there he finds Liv and Gerry and Alex waiting for him. He also spots Robert sitting at the bar sporting that puffy blue jacket he likes — the older man had bought it on a weekend trip to Wales when the temperature had suddenly dropped, Aaron daring him to purchase the thicker coat in the uncharacteristic colour (“What? It’ll bring out the blue in yer eyes.” “You’re just saying that so you can keep laughing at me.” “Well, it’s not like you’re going to stay in it for long anyway…”) — and nursing a drink while Paddy shuffles about serving customers, looking both stressed and confused.

But before he can say anything (or ask about his mother), Alex is standing up and greeting him with a kiss on the lips, his hands making their way to Aaron’s elbows. He feels a wave of discomfort pass over him at this minor display of public affection but smiles at the doctor anyway.

“Sorry about the table,” Alex begins apologetically. “Everything else was taken.”

“It’s no problem,” Aaron responds, manoeuvring around it to take a seat between him and Liv who is deep in conversation with Gerry. He’s not sure when it happened, but those two have become thick as thieves lately and while Aaron may not be fully on board with the teenage boy, he does like the idea of Liv having another friend in the village.

As he makes his way to his seat, he swears he can feel Robert’s eyes on him. But when he looks up, the man’s busy taking a sip of his orange juice. Judging by the half-empty glass, he’s been here a while. (Probably not doing wonders for Paddy who is becoming increasingly flustered with each passing minute.)

A small part of him wills Robert to look at him because that’s what they’re always doing, aren’t they? Catching each other's eyes across a room and trading glances and smiles? (At least they have been recently.) Only now, he isn’t responding and Aaron is feeling irrationally annoyed by the whole thing. He tells himself that Robert’s probably dealing with something Seb-related and that it isn’t really his place anymore, but it doesn’t quite work.

“Got you a pint,” Alex interrupts, sliding over a glass.

Aaron glances at it, picks it up, and smiles at him. “Ta.”

He takes a sip as Gerry asks when they’re going to order — and is elbowed gently in the ribs by Liv for his efforts. Feeling charitable, Aaron expresses his own desire for food, at which point Marlon appears almost as if on cue.

Aaron states he wants a cheeseburger, as does Liv, but the taller Dingle insists on rattling off the specials, which Alex then proceeds to actually inquire about. A few minutes later the doctor settles on a quiche and salad duo, while Gerry, who announces he’s on some weird health kick, asks for the tomato soup… with a side of chips. Another quick jab from Liv results in him choosing a cheeseburger as well — much to Marlon’s enduring disappointment. (“Forget culinary school, maybe I should have just gone to burger making camp.”)

Aaron cracks a smile, his gaze traveling to the bar where he sees Robert busy replying to a text. But it’s pulled away again when Alex asks him about his morning thus far.

As he answers the question, he feels a weird pang in his chest. Before he can investigate it further, Liv begins recounting a funny incident at school, cracking them all up with an impression of one of her teachers at school. Aaron knows he shouldn’t laugh (thereby encouraging her), but it is hilarious and he doesn’t quite like the man either, having had more than enough mildly-unpleasant parent-teacher conferences with him. (To be fair, even Robert , who actually did well at the few he’d attended, had harboured a deep dislike of the man. “He knows she’s been working hard, but the tosser still has the gall to not round her marks up?”)

The food comes fast, and the conversation continues nice and light, causing any apprehensions he’d had about the meal to slowly vanish. (Except for that nagging feeling in his chest, but he’s since figured that has to do with his discomfort around birthdays, and not whatever he’s nervous that Alex has planned.)

When they finally finish, they sit there in companionable silence, Aaron savouring the feeling of a light buzz on a full stomach. That’s when he senses movement to his right and turns his head to see Alex holding out an envelope.

“This is your present,” he states.

“Thought I wasn’t getting it till later,” Aaron responds, thinking back to the suggestiveness of the doctor’s words this morning as he flips the envelope in his hands. There’s no clue as to what could be inside.

“I know, but I wanted to give you something now,” Alex says, a bit of nerves creeping into his overall energy. “I mean, we still have Chinese later, and I thought we could watch… Rocky Balboa ?”

“That’s my favourite film,” Aaron says surprised by the suggestion. He wasn’t sure it had ever come up — oddly enough they’ve yet to discuss favourite films (or books or TV shows or music for that matter) — but he figures his mum and Paddy might have made a suggestion when they were over this morning. Heavens knows they’ve each had to sit through enough Rocky movie marathons over the last couple of years. Balboa had been the first Rocky film Aaron had ever seen and (predictably) he’d loved it, prompting him and Adam (who’d eventually watched it with him when he’d returned from France) to have yearly movie marathons where they’d watch the whole series. In the last two years Robert had joined them (Vic had begged off claiming that sitting through all the Transformers films was enough for her), with the older Sugden even surprising them with tickets to an anniversary marathon held at a small independent cinema in Hotten. He hadn’t been able to stay for every film on account of some haulage business, but he’d made sure he’d made it back for this one in particular, settling into a seat next to Aaron’s mere minutes before it began. (“What are you doing here?” “Couldn’t miss your favourite film, could I?” “Never said it was my favourite.” “Didn’t have to. You quote it in your sleep.”)

A smile creeps onto Aaron’s face at Alex’s research efforts.

“Go on then, open it,” Alex nudges.

So he does, and is once again, pleasantly surprised to see a pair of tickets to the Leeds Festival. His brow furrows in confusion and he looks up at Alex to see him smiling at him with anticipation.

“Amazing! How did you know ?” The excitement (and surprise) bleeds into his voice. He hadn’t mentioned his desire to go this year to anyone , thinking that maybe this could be a bit of a treat to himself after the year he’d had caused him to miss the last one.

“Well, couldn’t miss the NME mags in the bog, and the black hoodie — dead giveaway” Alex explains his deductive reasoning. “Same again?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Liv’s voice calls out from his left.

“Cheers,” Gerry adds before launching into yet another tale from his life. This time it’s about his hilarious attempts to start a band, occasionally interrupted by Liv’s wisecracks about it, which true to form, continue to elicit Aaron’s amusement.

A few minutes into yet another story, Alex receives a call and has to step away from the bar. Aaron studies him as he does so, noting the shift into doctor mode, which is subtle but clear. With his date currently busy, he turns his attention to the page in front of him, a sense of disbelief ringing through him. The Leeds Festival. He can’t believe he’ll actually be going this year. His eye snags on the dates ( August ) and the number of tickets (two) and he feels another wave of surprise — this time at Alex’s confidence that they’ll still be together eight months into the future.

It’s strange, but until now Aaron hadn’t considered the possibility of he and Alex lasting that long. He’d just assumed they’d date until March or April before fizzling out and then he’d move on to someone new. It’s not like he’s really felt much of a connection beyond his initial attraction to the man. Most of their conversations tend to dip into general small talk about either Alex’s job, their families, one of their interests, or whatever they’ve ended up doing on one of their dates. With the exception of his revealing his scars to the man, they haven’t really had a chance to delve into some of the darker aspects of their lives. (Though sometimes he wonders if Alex’s darkness can even match up to what he has swirling inside him on his best days — let alone his worst. Yes, the man’s an openly gay A&E doctor, which must not make work any fun, but sometimes it seems like he just wants to skim past both their edges and focus only on the good. And while that’s fine for now , Aaron sometimes feels like he’s not being fully seen . It’s crazy — especially considering how patient and considerate Alex has been in general — but Aaron just didn’t think he’d paid enough attention to pick up on these things, or that Aaron had even told him this yet. In fact, he hadn’t really even felt the need to — his own dead giveaway to how temporary he’d been considering this, for lack of better word, relationship . And to be fair, it’s not like Alex has ever asked.)

And that’s another thing that prickles his senses somewhat. In all the short time they’ve known each other Alex has yet to display any real observational skills beyond picking up what Aaron’s revealed right in front of him — if anything, it sometimes seems like he likes this idea of Aaron rather than who he really is. (Aaron still doesn’t have the heart to tell him that the Sharknado movies are really not his thing.) Nonetheless, Aaron concedes that these aren’t real character flaws, as much as evidence of Alex’s training as a doctor, and his own reticence to share his interests. Or maybe it’s because of the last few years he’s spent with Robert, where he’s never had to do anything of that sort because the older man had just known . (“It’s called paying attention . Might want to try it sometime.”)

“Everything alright?”

He hadn’t noticed Paddy bring over their drinks (two pints, half a cider, and an orange juice for Liv). The older man is now staring at him with something akin to concern on his face. ‘Yeah… Thanks.”

“And Alex, everything’s going fine with him?”

“Uh yeah,” he says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. He doesn’t know why, but for some reason, Paddy’s concern is bordering on cloying right now. “We’re spending my birthday together if you hadn’t noticed.”

“Right,” Paddy says as if he’s just remembered being over at the Mill this morning for the birthday breakfast Alex had put together. “Good good. Carry on.”

Aaron shakes his head and takes a sip of his refill while Paddy heads off to serve another customer.

When he looks up again, he sees Robert standing up, downing the last few sips of his pint, placing the glass back down on the bar and tucking his hands into his pockets and making his way towards the washroom.

Aaron doesn’t know why, but he feels compelled to follow.

(If he notices how this quells the feeling of aching disappointment he’s been experiencing all day, he does not acknowledge it.)

:::::

Robert is using the dryer next to the sink when Aaron finally enters the washroom. As a result, he’s surprised when he turns around to see the younger man standing there.

“Hey,” he says, his face bursting into a smile.

“Hey.” Aaron cringes inwardly at how breathless he sounds.

“Having a good birthday so far?”

Robert’s hands are back in his pockets like he has something valuable in there he doesn’t want to let go of. There’s a look in his eye Aaron hasn’t quite seen before.

“Oh, so you did remember,” Aaron teases, adding a slight edge to his words.

“Well, you seemed a bit busy earlier. Didn’t want to interrupt,” Robert explains, his expression turning apologetic. “Didn’t mean to make you think I’d forgotten though… Happy birthday.”

And just like that, something inside Aaron unclenches, leaving him feeling loose and free again. (Or as loose and free as Aaron Dingle tends to feel.)

“Thanks,” Aaron responds, aware that he has indeed gotten what he came here for. Only now he’s not sure what comes next. (Or why he’d needed this so badly.) “And, uh, yeah. It wasn’t too bad. Cake, breakfast, presents. You know. The usual.”

“Get anything good?”

It’s an innocent enough question — the kind friends ask each other all the time. But it still trips Aaron up a little mentally. He doesn’t want to mention Alex’s tickets, because some part of him doesn’t know what to make of them. As much as he loves the gift, there’s a confidence and intimacy there he can’t quite reconcile with where he is emotionally with Alex. Hell, he can’t even call him his boyfriend yet — and that’s in hisown mind.

“Well, Liv got me a new pair of earphones, and Mum and Paddy pitched in for a new running kit,” Aaron says, recounting the presents he’d opened this morning. “And Gerry made me a mix CD full of running tracks, but I’m pretty sure it’s just Eye Of the Tiger 57 times.”

He feels a wave of warmth pass through him as Robert lets out a hearty laugh at the last one. When the older man finally calms down, he offers, “I guess it’s the thought that counts?”

“Yeah yeah, let’s see how you feel when I play it in the office while you’re trying to do yer paperwork,” Aaron jokes, in an attempt to convey his severity of his predicament. “On second thought, that would probably make both of your days.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I never get sick of any songs,” Robert argues back good-naturedly. “If I had my way, Vic and I would still be listening to that new Carly Rae Jepsen single.”

Aaron groans and shakes his head at the memory. “Don’t remind me. That was worse than that time you got into 25 . There’s only so many times a person can listen to Adele moan on and on.”

“I’m sorry, but you said you liked ‘Hello,’” Robert teases.

“Yeah! The first four or five times,” Aaron states. “By number 39, I was ready for her to say ‘Goodbye!’”

He pauses at that and they grin knowingly at each other. It’s a recurring argument they’ve had on and off over the last two years or so and it’s as familiar as a well-worn jumper. As the awareness of the fact settles over them, the air between them grows thick and pulses with a nervous energy.

But it dissipates when Robert’s phone vibrates.

“It’s Vic,” he says, quickly texting back. “She wants to know when I’ll be ready.”

“You goin’ out somewhere?” Aaron asks. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s a little miffed that they’d made plans on his birthday — even if he and Robert are technically exes and Vic only just started speaking to him again this morning.

“Uh, yeah,” Robert replies, a pinkish tinge appearing in his cheeks. “Got tickets to some AmDram thing tonight. Thought it would cheer her up.”

“Oh,” Aaron says, a little stunned by the answer. In all their years together, he’d never pegged Robert for an amateur acting fan. Must be Vic’s idea, which is weird because Adam never mentioned her penchant for live theater when they were together. “Fun.”

“Yeah, should be,” Robert agrees evenly, before making a face. “Except she wants me to dress up with her.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Aaron asks with a straight face. He knows how much effort Robert Sugden puts into carefully choosing what he wears.

As a response, the older man just holds out his phone for Aaron to study. “Look at some of these outfits.”

On screen is an image of Tim Curry as Dr. Frank-N-Furter. The younger man lets out a loud guffaw. “Not going to lie, you definitely have the legs for that.”

Robert scowls and swipes right on the phone screen to reveal Rocky in all his naked-except-for-gold-lame-shorts glory.

“If you ask me, you should definitely do this one,” Aaron jokes sagely. “Add some body glitter, really complete the whole… package .”

“Thanks, mate ,” says Robert, rolling his eyes.

“Anytime,” Aaron replies with a grin. “What are friends for?”

(His recent mood already feels like a distant memory.)

:::::

They’re leaving the restroom when Gerry comes barrelling into them, almost knocking over Robert who’d exited first.

“We was wondering where you’d gone off to. Alex has to go to hospital,” he says brightly to Aaron, who’s currently holding Robert’s elbows, bracing him to keep him from falling. And then belatedly, “Oh, hiya Robert.”

“Hey Gerry,” the blonde responds before turning to Aaron who lets go of his arm… “I’m going to head home and get ready. See ya.”

He barely limps two steps away when Gerry exclaims, “Oh wait! Ya dropped somethin’!”

Robert stops and turns around, looking at where he was standing before spotting what it is the teen had noticed.

It’s the last couple of pieces of a roll of Rolos. He manages to bend and pick it up, wincing as his left hand reaches out.

“Rolos? Nice!” Gerry exclaims when he gets a sight of what’s between Robert’s fingers. “Aaron, aren’t those yer favourite?”

“Uh, yeah,” Aaron replies, not adding that he’d developed a real taste for the caramel candies in the year since his last birthday.

“Well then,” Robert says, a faint smile gracing his lips. It’s clear that he’s reliving that morning too. “Don’t say I didn’t get ya nothin’.”

He lightly tosses the spiral-shaped wrapper over the short distance to Aaron, who catches it with both hands, even though his eyes are on Robert’s face.

Robert flashes him one last smile before he departs.

“Happy birthday Aaron.”

And just like that, that same pervasive feeling of disappointment is back and more intense than ever.

:::::

Alex is getting ready to leave when he returns to their table, but he doesn’t actually do so until Aaron spends at least 15 minutes reassuring him that he really isn’t mad that they’ve had to cut their birthday celebrations short and that yes, he will keep him abreast of any tentative plans he might make in terms of going out that evening.

(If anything, Aaron’s actually a bit relieved. It’s only two o’clock and this day already feels too long. A quiet night by himself sounds like heaven — especially given this mood that’s been building inside him all day.)

:::::

After half an hour of jovial bonding with Liv and Gerry (and his many, many colourful observations) Aaron decides they should go ahead and watch the movie together anyway. So they stop by David’s to restock on snacks.

“All set to do the Time Warp ?” David asks when Aaron deposits a six-pack of beer on the counter while both teens bicker over buying popcorn or crisps behind him.

“What?” Aaron asks, confused.

“You know, ‘It’s a jump to the left… ’” Bob Hope chimes in from where he’s standing to the side. His wiggling eyebrows don’t help at all. “ ‘And then a step to the riiight!’ ”

Off Aaron’s lack of reaction, he grins and explains, “I always thought I’d make a good Riff Raff.”

“Yeah, no idea what you’re goin’ on about,” Aaron explains when Bob’s expectant gaze turns to one of disappointment. He turns back to David, who also looks a little confused.

“ Rocky Horror Picture Show .” He answers matter-of-factly. “Isn’t Alex takin’ ya? He sounded dead excited about it yesterday.”

“No,” Aaron says, eyebrows furrowing. “We were supposed to be watching Rocky Balboa .”

“The Hotten AmDram are doing Rocky Balboa too?” David seems impressed by this piece of news. “Talk about range.”

Aaron shakes his head. “No, he’s not taking me anywhere. We were supposed to be watching the movie back at my place.”

“ Oh . That makes more sense,” David replies, the little misunderstanding now cleared up. “Didn’t peg you for the dressing up and live show type. Now Robert, maybe .”

“Wait. Who told ya I was going to this Rocky Horror thing?” Aaron asks, trying to get clarification on what David’s saying.

“Alex. He showed me the tickets yesterday,” the other man answers, mildly confused by what’s going on.

Aaron is about to respond but Liv and Gerry step up to the counter and lay their picks out alongside his beer. David starts ringing them up.

“Um, thanks.” Aaron replies, reaching for his wallet and paying for their purchases. His mind slowly turning over this new information.

As they exit the shop, he is surprised to find that a different kind of disappointment is beginning to form in the pit of his stomach.

:::::

For the first time ever Aaron Dingle is not enjoying his favourite movie. While Liv and Gerry seem to be quite engrossed despite it being their third and second viewings respectively, he just can’t seem to get into the film at all .

Instead he’s busy thinking about Alex and Rocky Horror and Leeds and Robert.

When Alex had handed him that envelope and he’d pulled out the sheet of paper he’d felt a sense of relief — that maybe Alex and he weren’t so mismatched after all; that maybe despite the monster movie marathons and the assumption that his teenage sister was him over text (even if shedoes do a spot on impression of Aaron), Alex did indeed know what he’s like and what he might want.

Has Alex even visited the ensuite enough to notice his NME mags?

The thought pops into his head unbidden and that’s when it clicks.

There’s only one person he’s heard comment on the number of NME magazines piled in the bog — partly because said complainant had been the one who’d bought that subscription as a surprise gift after noticing Aaron always thumbing through it at the village shop and scrolling through articles on his phone, and partly because Aaron really did need to start tossing out old issues.

Similarly, there’s only one person who is well-versed enough with his wardrobe to tell his everyday black hoodie from his special occasions black hoodie, and his “I’m-sick-and-need-something-comforting” black hoodie from his “I’ve-had-this-since-I-was-a-teenager-and-I’m-not-giving-it-up-now” black hoodie (as well as all the ones in between) — and that’s because he’s spent enough time in every single one of them to know which “hoodie” Aaron is referring to when he asks him to bring him one.

And there’s only one person who knows how he’d been dying to go to Leeds, after having put it off last year because of yet another thing in a series of unfortunate events that makes up his life.

With the facts in front of him like this, he can’t believe he didn’t see it before.

Robert. Jacob. Sugden.

The only thing he doesn’t quite understand is where Alex comes into all this. Was this a case of assistance requested or aid provided? (Though even as he wonders, he knows it’s clearly a case of the latter instead of the former.)

It’s at that moment Gerry interrupts, having paused the film.

“You still got one of ‘em Rolos Robert gave ya? ‘M cravin’ some chocolate.”

That gets Liv’s attention. He can almost hear her neck snap as she turns towards him, a million questions in her eyes — or maybe just the one:What is Robert Sugden doing giving you Rolos on yer birthday?

He ignores her, fishing in his pocket for the leftovers he’d been gifted with. Deciding to have one himself, he pulls away the remaining wrapper to discover that it’s the very last one .

Of. Fucking. Course.

“Help yerself,” he says, his own craving vanishing. He tosses it at Gerry, who catches it with a big smile, and a cheery, “Ta!”

They resume the movie, now with Liv’s attention split between the screen and her brother. But he ignores both until he can’t keep watching any longer — not that he was anyway.

“I’m going out for a bit,” he announces, getting to his feet. He can see her begin to protest, so he hastily adds, “You keep watching though.”

She must recognise something in his eyes because for once she doesn’t put up too much of a fight. (Or any fight at all.)

He grabs his wallet and keys and leaves the house.

(His dueling senses of disappointment are now joined by a pounding heart.)

:::::

He runs into Paddy on his way to the village.

“Aaron, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?” The older man asks, clearly concerned. “Thought you’d be home with Alex.”

“Can’t I just take a walk if I feel like it?” Aaron snaps. His head is swimming and the last person he wants to think about right now is the man he’s currently seeing.

“Sure, you can. It’s just… It’s yer birthday,” Paddy explains. When Aaron doesn’t look at him or reply, he adds, “And you don’t look alright.”

Aaron sighs. He doesn’t want to share where he’s at mentally and emotionally with Paddy , but without Adam around he doesn’t really have any options beyond Robert who may have achieved newly-minted mate status, but he can’t go to regarding this for obvious reasons. So he decides take a leap.

“Alex didn’t plan today by himself,” he says, giving voice to the first part of his concerns. “Robert helped him.”

“I knew he was up to something when I heard them in the pub,” Paddy says immediately shaking his head, his worst suspicions confirmed. “Never trust Robert Sugden.”

“ That’s not the problem,” Aaron says, voice rife with irritation. “Robert’s the only reason today was halfway decent.”

And then, “Wait. What do you mean you heard them?”

Paddy looks flustered. “Earlier, after lunch, Alex was thanking Robert for his help with your gift. I- I think he might have told him what to get you.”

Something inside Aaron warms at that revelation. It also serves to stoke the overwhelming wave of annoyance washing over him.

“Glad someone around here actually knows me,” he growls, the rest of his emotions proceeding to spill out. “You know, you lot keep telling me how great Alex is for me. How perfect we are together. If we really are, then how come he doesn’t know a single real thing about me?”

He can see that Paddy is growing increasingly uncomfortable, but he’s on a roll now.

“For that matter, do any of you ? ‘cause none of ya thought to tell Alex that maybe a big birthday surprise first thing in the morning isn’t something I’d really enjoy? Or maybe that Rocky Horror Picture Show isn’t my thing. No, the only one who bothered to do that was my ex-husband, who my whole family keeps saying they want to die. How sad is it that the only person who might actually know me is Robert?”

“He told Alex that,” Paddy mumbles.

“What?” Aaron asks, his momentum interrupted.

“At the pub, earlier. He told Alex that soon he’ll know you better than he does.”

The information takes some of the wind out of Aaron’s sails.

“That’s not his decision to make.” He argues, before attempting to storm past Paddy. But before he can, the older man grabs his arm.

“Aaron,” he says, invoking his calm veterinarian voice. “Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“Like what? Getting back together with Robert ?”

Paddy lets go of his arm at that. Aaron yanks it away and takes a step back.

“You know what, I’m sick and tired of everyone tellin’ me who I should and shouldn’t be with. It was my decision to move on from Robert. Mine.Just like it’s my decision if I get back together with him. Not yours. Not mum’s. And not Liv’s. Just mine and his.”

He finds himself a little out of breath after that rant, his ragged breaths cutting through the night. Into that silence Paddy asks his next question.

“ Are you gonna get back together with him?”

“God. It’s like you’re not listening to a word I said,” Aaron says, shaking his head.

“I am .” Paddy argues. “It just sounds like you might be thinkin' about dumping Alex and getting back together with Robert.”

“We’re just friends ,” Aaron retorts.

“That’s not a no.”

“That’s not a yes either.”

And just like that, they reach a detente of sorts.

“I don’t know, okay?” Aaron admits softly, as if to himself. “It’s just… Alex has no idea who I am.”

“You’ll find somebody else who does,” Paddy tries to comfort him.

“I don’t know if I want to.”

Aaron surprises even himself with that one, but he still continues. “Yeah, we're not good for each other. Don’t you think I know that?”

He takes a deep breath. “But sometimes you just want to be with someone who sees you, the real you. Not some idea of you. And Robert, he does that.”

He can see Paddy nod before he says weakly, “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Well, that’s my decision innit?”

Paddy nods again and they stand there in silence for a minute.

“For what it’s worth, and don’t tell your mother I said this, but I think there might be a tiny chance, and I mean tiny , that he really might have changed,” the older man concedes. “The old Robert would never have helped someone else plan your birthday and not taken credit for it.”

Aaron’s head snaps up and he studies Paddy’s face, before agreeing. “He told me we shouldn’t be together after the accident. Said he’s letting me go. That he loves me too much and that I deserve better.”

He sees Paddy’s eyebrows jump up at revelation and nods, agreeing with that kind of impressed surprise.

“Really? I thought he’d milk it. Use it to get back together,” Paddy comments. As annoying as his words are in the moment, Aaron doesn’t hold it against him. He knows that Robert and Paddy haven’t always had the best relationship (attempted murder will do that to you).

“I was ready to,” Aaron confirms, whispering it softly into the night. “When I saw him lying on that bed… When his heart stopped… I knew. I knew I didn’t want us to end like that.”

He takes a deep breath. “He’s my husband .”

“You mean first husband,” Paddy attempts a joke, but Aaron doesn’t laugh.

“No,” he answers. “I mean only husband.”

As soon as he says it a giant boulder rolls off his chest. He hasn’t called Robert that in months, but he realises that deep down, he still considers him that. He almost laughs at the irony. He’d thought that Robert was the one having a hard time letting go.

“What about his son?” Paddy asks.

“What about him?”

“Aaron, he’s a father now. That changes things,” Paddy explains gently. “His son’s mother is the same ex-girlfriend he cheated on you with whileyou were in prison. Not to mention, he lied about all of it!”

“I was there Paddy,” Aaron reminds him. While it is painful to hear the whole ordeal recounted, he is pleasantly surprised to discover that it doesn’t sting as bad as it did anymore. “What happened… happened. Would I have preferred if it never did? Of course. But I can’t erase that. He’s trying to be a good dad and that’s what matters right now.”

This seems to convince Paddy, who accepts Aaron’s words easily enough — of course, he doesn’t know about the multiple sessions Aaron had had to spend with the counselor to get to this point of acceptance. (Robert and Jack had hardly been close before his negative reaction to his son’s burgeoning bisexuality, and it’s no secret that Gordon was a monster. Aaron just doesn’t want another young boy to grow up without a good dad — at least not because of him .)

After what seems to be a long pause, Paddy finally responds.

“As long as you know what you’re doing,” he begins, a dash of uncertainty in his voice. “You’re 26 now. Can’t keep telling you what to do.”

The nervous smile he gives Aaron — a clear sign that he’s attempting to wave a white flag — does wonders to alleviate the tension that’s been building up in the younger man’s gut over the last hour.

“Thanks Paddy,” he says, meaning every single bit of it.

With Paddy’s nod, he moves to go around him and continue into the village.

“And Aaron?”

He turns to look back at Paddy.

“You deserve to be with someone who knows ya.”

Aaron just nods and smiles.

“I know.”

:::::

His phone rings when he gets within a few feet of Keeper’s. He answers it.

“ Hey there, Birthday Boy ,” Alex’s tone is light and flirty. “Just wrapped up with a patient, so I should be over there in… half an hour?”

“No, it’s okay. Don’t bother,” Aaron replies, not really feeling it. “Was just thinking of headin’ off to bed soon. It’s been a long day.”

“But you love Rocky Balboa !” Alex protests. His voice is still light and playful, but there’s a hint of hurt there.

“Yeah, but me, Liv, and Gerry just finished watchin’ it,” Aaron admits.

“Oh.” There’s definite disappointment there. “Then let me buy you a beer. We can have a bit of a birthday nightcap.”

“Nah,” Aaron demures. “Just not really feelin’ it right now… Sorry.”

“No no, it’s okay.”

There’s a pause as neither of them say anything. And then-

“How did you know to book Leeds?”

“What do you mean?”

“The Leeds Festival. How did you know to book that one and not some other music festival?”

“Just seemed like your thing.”

“My thing?”

“Yeah. All the NME mags. The black hoodie. Definite giveaways.”

Another pause. It’s the same words, in the same order.

“So you weren’t going to take me to Rocky Horror Picture Show ?”

There’s a deep sigh on the other line.

“He promised he wouldn’t tell,” Alex explains, his tone taking on a petulant, childish quality. Aaron doesn’t need to know that they’re talking about Robert now.

“He didn’t. David, from the shop, did.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Am I in trouble?”

Is he ?

“No… You’re not,” Aaron answers truthfully, his annoyance turning into disappointment. “Wish you would have just told me instead.”

“I just really didn’t want to mess up your birthday. I was going to surprise you with it anyway.”

“I know, but you didn’t have to lie,” Aaron points out. “ That’s why Robert and I broke up in the first place. He was always keepin’ stuff from me.”

“I’m sorry… It’s just that you never tell me anything.”

I shouldn’t have to tell you everything.

“Sorry, I’ll try and be better about that.”

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to make you apologise on your birthday. Perfect boyfriend I am.”

Aaron doesn’t respond to that, leaving the words hanging. The term boyfriend still not sitting right with him.

A few seconds later Alex asks a little hopefully, “You sure you don’t want me to come over later? I can make it up to you.”

“No,” Aaron replies. “I really am tired. Had a big day today.”

He chuckles weakly at the end of that in an effort to lift the mood and not make it seem like a total rejection (which it kind of is).

“Alright.”

Normally, Aaron would do his best to mollify the doctor, but right now he’s just not in the mood for it. So he just ends the conversation.

“Night.”

He puts his phone back in his pocket and restarts his journey to Keeper’s.

(The twin coils of disappointment have since disappeared. All that’s left is a newly-cleared head and a rapidly-pounding heart.)

:::::

It’s another half an hour before he sees a pair of headlights make its way to the cottage. He stands up from where he’s been sitting on the ground ready to greet the returning siblings.

Neither Robert nor Victoria notices him, each engrossed in conversation as they step out of the car and make their way over.

“I’m just sayin’ it would have been a lot more fun if we’d gotten all dressed up,” Vic teases. “ Your legs are just as nice as Tim Curry’s. I’d even say they’re better!”

Robert snorts. “Thanks Vic. Just what every bloke wants to hear.”

They turn into the garden path-

“That’s what I told him earlier,” Aaron says, startling both of them. “Except the part about Tim Curry.”

“Aaron!” Robert exclaims, missing his joke entirely. “Is everything alright? Where’s Alex?!”

“Everything’s fine ,” he insists, his eyes firmly on Robert’s face. “Was just taking a walk and decided to stop by and say hi.”

“Uh, hi…” Robert’s brows knit together in confusion reminding Aaron of how much he still enjoys seeing that expression on his face.

They stand there in silence for a moment until Vic pipes up. “Why don’t I go put the kettle on? Aaron, happy birthday. Rob, I’ll see ya inside.”

She walks past both of them to open the front door.

That jolts Robert into action. “You’re welcome to come inside if you want.”

“No, I’m good out here,” Aaron insists. He really is. The cold air is serving as some kind of grounding agent.

As Robert nods, his face is suddenly illuminated with a warm yellow light, indicating that Vic’s left the door open.

They continue standing in silence for another minute, and then-

“If you want, we can go elsewhere-”

“How was the show?”

They both crack small smiles at their talking over each other.

“We can stay here,” Aaron says. To which Robert answers, “Thought it was okay. Vic enjoyed it though.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

More companionable silence.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Robert asks again, this time in a much softer tone of voice. “You seem a bit distracted today.”

Aaron wants to laugh . Robert Sugden hasn’t even spent the whole bloody day with him and he still senses that something might be wrong.

“Everything’s fine ,” Aaron reiterates. “I just wanted to say thanks.”

In response to Robert’s confused expression, Aaron continues, “You know, for all your help with Adam the last couple of days. With the alibi and all.”

“Of course,” the older man answers, as he didn’t willingly implicate himself in their crimes as well. “You’d do the same for me.”

Before he’s tempted to fall into yet another one of their comfortable silences, Aaron forces himself to blurt out.

“And thanks for tipping Alex off about Leeds… And the movie.”

“He told you about that?” Robert asks, clearly surprised.

“Didn’t have to,” Aaron responds. “Had your fingerprints all over it.”

He chuckles at the gobsmacked expression on Robert’s face at that.

“ You’re not the only one who can put clues together you know,” He explains, before continuing. “And you do realise that you’re the only one who’s always been on at me about the mags and the hoodies. Right?”

Robert cracks a smile at that. “Well, excuse me for trying to stop you from becoming a hoarder.”

They both grin at that — only Robert’s fades first.

“Does Alex know you know?”

“Yeah. I asked him about it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“You know, it’s not his fault,” Robert says, surprising Aaron. “He just wanted to make today special.”

“Maybe then he should have actually tried to get to know me then,” Aaron retorts.

Robert snorts. “Come on. It’s not like you make it easy. You’re not exactly ‘Mr. Conversation.’”

“What do you call this then?” He’s half joking, half not.

“An excuse.”

“What do you mean an excuse ?”

“Aaron, you’re hardly giving him a chance,” Robert argues. “Do you know how long it took me before I felt like I knew you? Months.”

Aaron wants to tell him that he’s wrong ; that he’s known who Aaron is from pretty much Day One. Why else would he have bothered to retrieve Chrissie’s ring for him?

He’s interrupted by Robert’s continuing to make a case for the man he’s currently seeing . (A man that’s not him , Aaron notes. It’s odd, but he feels a sense of pride at this show of growth from his ex-husband.)

“I told you I’d be the best friend you’ll ever have,” the older man says, breaking their unspoken rule not to talk about what transpired in that hospital room on Christmas Day. Aaron doesn’t need to look at Robert’s face to know that it’s paining him to do so. It’s paining Aaron just to listen to him. “Well, this is me being that friend. Adam would have told you the same thing: Alex… He’s good for you.”

“ No , Adam would have told me to be with someone who makes me happy.”

Robert swallows at that.

“And Alex doesn’t?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll find someone who does.”

Or maybe I already have.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

He doesn’t need Robert to say anything to know that he knows what Aaron’s thinking — because he’s always known what Aaron’s thinking. He’s about to suggest that they maybe try again, or that he’s happy to wait for Robert to be ready when there’s some shuffling behind him, and-

“Sorry to interrupt,” Vic says, stepping out the house in a robe and with two mugs of tea in her hands. “Wasn’t sure how long it would take, and I didn’t want your tea to get cold.”

She hands Robert his mug (the blue Doctor Who TARDIS one, because no matter how much the older man pretends, he’s still a verifiable nerd ) and is about to pass Aaron the other one ( (a maroon number with a chipped handle that he’s touched she remembered he likes) when he declines.

“Should probably head home,” he explains to both Sugdens. “Liv and Gerry will be wondering’ where I am.”

He says this more to Robert than Vic. But she just brushes it off with a slightly awkward, “Oh alright… Have a great rest of your birthday… again.”

She leaves before he can answer, which he appreciates because there’s something different about Robert that he can’t quite seem to identify, and he feels it like an itch under his skin. He almost doesn’t want to leave because of it.

However, he does manage to say, “Thanks.”

He nods at the mug in Robert’s hand and says, “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” he whispers back.

With one last smile Aaron moves to walk past Robert, brushing past him. It makes a shiver go up his arm — one unrelated to the chill in the air.

At the gate he finds himself turning around, which reveals Robert looking back at him , both hands clasping the handle on either side of the door.

“Robert,” he says, even though doesn’t need to. “Thanks.”

“Hey,” his ex-husband replies. “What are friends for?”

With one last exchange of smiles, Robert steps into the cottage and shuts the door behind him.

Aaron steps past the gateway, but then turns around again and studies the whole cottage while turning his main focus toward the itch he’s still trying to scratch.

It doesn’t quite hit him until a light goes off on the top floor.

He’s taken off his wedding band.

But instead of yet another dose of disappointment — because he’s come to recognise and acknowledge the emotion he’s been experiencing at various levels throughout the day — he feels the burst of anticipation that comes with big realisations. As well as a flutter of something else .

He’s going to put that ring back on Robert’s finger. He just has to figure out how .

:::::

He has that dream again. The one where it’s exactly a year later and they’re both in Vegas, stood in front of a cheesy Elvis impersonator in a dimly lit chapel.

Only, as he has to remind himself yet again, this isn’t yet another one of his dreams. It’s his reality.

Beside them, a speaker crackles with static noise as the DJ-technician in charge of the wedding march music tinkers about. Both men wince.

“Can you believe we almost did this ?” Aaron murmurs incredulously into Robert’s ear, giving him a gentle nudge with his hips, his hands in his formal hoodie pockets.

“I dunno. Looks a lot like our first wedding,” Robert teases.

Aaron snorts, remembering the garish Christmas decorations strewn around the bar, and the annoyance with which both Robert and Liv had regarded them.

“Then it’s a good thing we got it right the second time,” he points out, referring to their more rustic-themed, summer nuptials just six months ago when they’d both walked down the aisle of the same barn Robert had first tried to propose in — Robert in a rich burgundy combination, while he’d worn a dark, navy blue number that Robert had had tailored for him despite Aaron’s protests.

It’s Robert’s turn to hip-nudge him. “I think you’ll find that that was down to me. No offense, but you’re rubbish at planning weddings.”

Aaron turns to face him now. Standing close, his gaze locked into Robert’s. “Yeah, but if you’ll remember, I’m excellent at planning proposals.”

That elicits a smile from Robert before he covers it up with a straight face, and a challenging, “You called me up, told me your car broke down in a lay-by and that you needed me to bring you the tools because you didn’t have them. Of course, I was surprised!”

“Got you to say ‘Yes’ didn’t I?” Aaron asks, smirking lazily as he deploys his sexiest voice, knowing Robert loves it when it goes low and ever-so-slightly gravelly. His eyes remain focused on Robert’s lips.

Robert notices, licking them before continuing, “At least I made an effort to decorate the barn and organise a whole picnic. You just drove away from the village. I had a whole speech prepared. You just told me to ‘Pass you a spanner.’”

“Said a lot more than that after though,” Aaron teases again. To his immense pleasure (and thanks to a quick flick of his eyes to Robert’s own, which he finds are trained on his lips) he sees the older man’s freckled cheeks turn a sexy shade of light pink.

“You guys ready to leave or what?”

Liv’s voices causes the moment to fizzle — but only ever so slightly .

“Remind me why we brought your teenage sister on our honeymoon?” Robert asks, muttering the question into Aaron’s ear in his low voice, sending chills up his husband's neck. Aaron loves the way Robert’s breath feels against his ear.

“Because you’re a softie who didn’t want us to be apart on our third birthday together?” Aaron answers. “Besides, with the twins due in the next couple of months it’s not like we’ll have much time with her before she leaves for uni.”

“And when is that again?”

Aaron just smiles at the mock irritation in Robert’s voice, knowing full well it’s a front. Despite some initial misgivings after their reunion, he and Liv have become extremely close since shortly after their second engagement, when she’d come out as asexual and he’d been nothing but supportive (“Why are you bein’ so nice to me?” “Because it isn’t easy figurin’ yourself out. I should know — took me 15 years to accept that I was bisexual.”). Eight months later and she and Robert were regular study-buddies as she prepped first for her GCSEs and more recently, for her A Levels.

“ Come on. We’re gonna be late for dinner.”

“Alright, alright, we’re coming!” Robert finally responds, tearing his eyes away from Aaron. “Looks like we better get a move on or we’ll miss our reservation.”

He moves past Aaron, brushing past him as he does. It gives the younger man a chance to grab his arm.

“Hey,” he says playfully.

Robert just looks at him, brows furrowed in amusement.

Aaron leans forward and kisses him, Robert reacting as eagerly as he always does. (If there’s one thing Aaron has discovered it’s that married life has not dampened Robert Sugden’s sex drive.)

Pulling away a moment later, he whispers, “Love you Mr. Dingle.”

He can feel his own cheeks warm up as they turn red. He’s then rewarded with one of Robert’s softest smiles — the one he loves best, the one that warms him from the inside out and turns his insides into butterflies.

“Love you Mr. Sugden.”

As they leave, the chapel’s speakers finally clear up, flaring to life for two lines of music before fizzing out again.

But if you try you find…

You get what you need.

Notes:

Most of this fic was written two weekends ago before Paddy spoke to Aaron about Robert and we found out that Aaron had known that his new best friend was the one responsible for his tickets all along. I meant to post this a lot earlier, but life stuff got in the way and I wanted to do a few last minute rewrites. I am working on a tie-in fic focusing on just the lay-by proposal because I can't stop headcanoning it at this point. If anyone's interested in that, please let me know.

But in general, I hope it matches up with the characters' voices and feels like something that could have happened in the show. (Though technically lots of it did!) Apologies if I made any mistakes in terms of continuity or references, there is a LOT of Emmerdale and only one of me.

Major thanks to @iwantyoualways for reading this whole thing and offering feedback. If you have any thoughts, questions, comments, or concerns, hit up my ask box. (Or you can always drop me a line on AO3 under her_dark_materials.)

#emmerdale #robron #robron fics #robron fanfic #robron fanfiction #robert sugden #aaron dingle #writing #my writing #my fic #kind of a fix it #her dark materials #rust and ruin writes #their dark materials

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thepermanentrainpress · 4 years ago

Text

THE PERMANENT RAIN PRESS INTERVIEW WITH BROOKE LEWIS BELLAS

Her career has been prolific thus far, and keeps on getting busier. Brooke Lewis Bellas wears a number of titles – actress, philanthropist, producer, director, writer, life coach – and she doesn’t take any of it for granted. Her acting career has spanned nearly twenty years; an impressive variety of genres, characters and experiences to learn from. Aside from the screen, she is an activist for women and female empowerment.

How have you been keeping busy during this pandemic? During this period, have you learned anything new about yourself?

In all honesty, I sometimes feel guilty when I share that I have been as busy as ever! As an actress, producer, and philanthropist, so much of my “normal” life has been spent working from my home office, so, thankfully, I am still able to work and do all my media and press interviews, as I did prior to the pandemic. But, I so miss my people and social activities! I am currently in post-production on film and TV projects with various teams for Red Rooms, Stripped, and The Second Age of Aquarius. As we know, a lot has been halted with COVID-19, but we have managed to forge ahead slowly! I have been watching and voting on a lot of content as a Judge for The New York Chapter of The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (NY NATAS) and for the horrific Shriekfest Film Festival. I also worked behind the scenes to raise money for The Actors Fund and Frontline Responders Fund during this pandemic crisis.

In this pandemic experience, I have done some serious soul-searching and have learned a lot about myself! I have been compelled to reflect on life, work, and choices, and it has affected me both personally and professionally. It has made me realize that “the small stuff I sweat” on a daily basis in my career (like whether I booked the film or not) is truly trivial when we are facing life or death. It has given me the time I do not typically have, to assess the choices and mistakes I have made in my career, and how I plan to step back into my career space when this pandemic is contained one day. I am feeling more inspired than ever to create art, film, and TV with a greater purpose, with a purpose to serve the greater good, and to help and inspire others. I think this crisis is making everyone realize that life is short and precious, and I know I want to come out more courageous than ever as an actress!

You appeared at InHouse-Con’s Horror Movies Panel on August 1st. How special is it to still be able to connect virtually, from the safety of everyone’s homes? How was that experience?

Wow! I love that you asked this question about InHouse-Con, because it just occurred on Saturday and I am still reveling in it. What an incredible experience! It was an experience beyond anything I had expected. I am so blessed to be signed with Coolwaters Productions as my appearance agent for the last 13 years, and when Derek Maki invited me to participate with his horror celebrity clients, I was not sure what to expect in this new virtual world. What actually transpired was something that I personally was so moved by! This experience, to not only connect with the fans, but to connect with the “OG” Coolwaters Horror crew that I spent so many events and appearances with at actual physical horror and pop-culture conventions, throughout my career, was a gift. It really touched my heart to be able to spend a day with these folks virtually and to reminisce and experience the past, and to be in GRATITUDE for all the wonderful career moments that I have had. I think part of this virtual pandemic experience has, ironically, invited opportunities that we would not have had otherwise.

And albeit, I certainly miss the face-to-face energy and interaction, it just brightened my day to be virtually connected to actors whom I respect and admire. And, of course, to be able to have an opportunity to connect with the fans in this way, and to know that they still support my career and, in some way, I am able to connect with them to create joy and some semblance of “normalcy” by sending them autographed photos and memorabilia. It was very special and filled my heart during these challenging times.

You have been in the entertainment industry for many years across all different genres – horror, comedy, mystery, sci-fi – do you have a favourite to act in? How about your preference as a viewer?

Permanent Rain Press, thank you so much for recognizing that I have acted in all different genres, as I am grateful to be known in the horror genre and to be referred to as a “Scream Queen”, but I am sometimes challenged with proving myself and sharing that I have acted in so many other genres as well. I am often cast in comedy due to my quirky characteristics and persona, but, honestly, when it comes to acting, I am always seeking to play a very dark, dramatic, psychological, intense character role, as they are my absolute favorite. I love to dive into those deep, painful, emotional roles.

As a viewer, I love some great action film or television, and I am obsessed with mobster and mafia movies and TV... one of the things that has drawn me to act in that style genre over many years. I am absolutely guilty of being a huge horror fan, since I grew up in the 80’s and I love a good scare. But more often, I also love to “play detective” and watch a wonderfully smart mystery thriller from Alfred Hitchcock, Agatha Christie, or Brian De Palma, some of the filmmakers whom I deem to be the greats. But, if given the choice of what I prefer to watch, I am a cable TV junkie and you will find me binge-watching series, including Sex and the City, Outlander, The Sopranos, True Blood, and my latest obsession, Sons of Anarchy.

Let’s talk about your alter-ego, the funny and vibrant Brooklyn vampire, ‘Ms. Vampy.’ What do you enjoy the most about this character? Will you be reprising this role in the near future?

Ms. Vampy is a comedic mobster Brooklyn vampire with a heart of gold, and I am so proud of this character and all the projects that I have worked on with Ms. Vampy over many years. I most enjoy the fact that Ms. Vampy is all about positivity and supporting teen girls to face their fears and Vamp It Out! I am proud that I was able to create positive content for teenage girls with her, including, not only a streaming series, but authoring my book ‘Ms. Vampy’s Teen Tawk: There’s A Lotta Power In Ya Choices.’ And, make no mistake, I love that she is my alter-ego that I can tap into when I need inner courage or to be fearless!

There is actually a lot going on with Ms. Vampy behind the scenes, as we speak, so we can say we are “revamping.” My writing partners and I have been working on a new screenplay and TV pilot titled Vamp It Out, and you will be the first to have an exclusive that we were just accepted into both Action On Film MEGAFEST International Film Festival & Writers Celebration and Hollywood Dreams International Film Festival and Writers Competition in the screenplay category. We are vamping out with excitement and ready to celebrate!

You wrote, produced, and starred in this passion project as well. Being behind the camera and seeing your vision come to life, how special is that to you as an artist?

I sure did! And, I was forced to Vamp It Out every step of the way, as production is such a challenging process! My first two projects with Ms. Vampy began in 2008, and then in 2011, where I really did take the reigns, both behind the camera and in front of the camera. These projects have been some of the most challenging projects of my life and career, but some of the most rewarding. With any project, when you have a vision and you are able to bring it to fruition in whatever way, shape, or form possible, and that means whatever medium, whatever budget, whatever message you create, it is so fulfilling to know that your hard work is being developed, created, and produced, so you are able to share it with the world. I can assure you, Ms. Vampy is no stranger to... Blood, Sweat and Tears. Pun intended!

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You’ve worked on so many cool projects, in particular a lot of indie films. Independent film has reputation for focusing on the story with the team behind it incredibly passionate about their work. What has your experience been on these sets?

Separate of Ms. Vampy, can we refer back to... Blood, Sweat and Tears? You said it best, and I will flush this answer out, that as an indie filmmaker and actor, one must be passionate about the project they are producing and creating, as the experience is not always fun and exciting. And, we are definitely not in it for the money! In full disclosure, I have had some of the most incredible experiences of my life and career on indie films, and have been blessed to leave them with a new loving and supportive film family... while, on other indie films, I have left with the most empty feeling and wondering if I am worthy of more, if I am talented enough for something more professional, and I have left questioning my life and career choices. I have had the opportunity to work with incredible indie film directors who have pushed me beyond my limits and what I thought I was capable of as an actress, and I have left indie film sets feeling as though I may actually have known more than the director or producer, and like I could have given so much more of a performance as an actress.

I have stories that I will cherish till my dying days, and I have nightmares that still haunt me in my sleep. I think that we make the best choices we can in the moment, and do what we think is right, and sometimes we are still exposed to an indie film situation where it is almost impossible to believe what has transpired. Overall, I feel my positive and negative experiences have shaped me into who I am as a woman... as an actress... as a producer... and, have taught me the most valuable lessons and have shown me that I am stronger than I think I am. These experiences have really made me self-reflect during this pandemic and inspired me to choose projects that uphold my highest good in the future.

You are an advocate for women, their body image and self-confidence through Breaking the Chains Foundation. The non-profit uses creative outreach to raise awareness, advocate, and provide support. Tell us about your involvement, and why female empowerment is important to you.

I am a proud Celebrity Ambassador for the Breaking the Chains Foundation and getting behind our fearless leader, Debra Hopkins, to support this great cause. I was inspired to get involved years ago, because I have been an actress since I was young, I have battled weight issues since I was young, I have repeatedly gone up and down ten pounds, and because I am naturally short, curvy, and ethnic, ten pounds is a world of difference, and when you are on camera, you are consistently challenged with people who are judging you and soon you start judging yourself. So, for me, the Breaking the Chains Foundation has been such an inspiration, as it is a cause and mission that supports people with eating disorders, body image issues, self-esteem issues, and body shaming. I have been affected by all of this personally and professionally, and want to support young people who are also challenged with body image and self-esteem, and to support them in cultivating their inner strengths and healing through art, and that is what the Breaking the Chains Foundation is all about: being able to heal and create self-love through the arts, whether it be dance, painting, acting, etc… To me, that is all encompassing of what is so profound and special about this foundation.

I truly feel that our society has set women up to compete, and compare and contrast, with one another. It is the time in our world to break that cycle and allow ourselves to empower other women, to support other women, to not compete with other women, and to really ban together and know that Female Empowerment is the greatest power we have.

You don’t take work for granted, always grateful for your opportunities and the life you lead. What keeps you grounded and motivated on a daily basis?

I truly appreciate you acknowledging my gratitude, as I do not take for granted even the small opportunities that life has afforded me. As far as keeping grounded, well that is a tough one for me, as I often feel like I am just flying all over the place (and, I am not talking about Ms. Vampy)! I feel like I always have 100 responsibilities at the same time! That said, I do work equally as hard to stay grounded and motivated on a daily basis, and that requires commitment, organization, and finding life and work balance, which I am still working on diligently each day. I commit to hard work, then making time for my intimate connections to speak on the phone or spend in-person time with the people I love, which includes my newlywed husband, my family across the country, my friends, and my business associates that I am blessed to have in my life, often since childhood.

I also think it is incredibly important when you are in an industry as stressful as the entertainment industry, to make sure to have your stable of support people, and that includes my talent reps and extends to my life coach, Lori Bertazzon, my actress empowerment sessions with Michelle Colt, and my psychic healers like Mitra Rahbar, Marilyn Alauria and Chiara Maya. I could not possibly do this on a daily basis on my own.

You’ve described yourself as a ‘Glam Gal.’ If you had to pick one, what has been your favourite red carpet look over the years? How would you describe your everyday style?

Oh yes, I describe myself as a professed ‘Hot Mess Glam Gal.’ I love getting glammed, styled, and fabulous for all of the incredible Hollywood and Red Carpet events over the years (shout out to my Glam Goddess squad, Allison Noelle, who styles me for all events and film hair and make up and shout out to my hair cut and colorist Crystal Betke at Hairroin Salon). You are killing me by asking me to pick just one of my favorite Red Carpet looks over the years, as it is just not possible, because I have so many, but I will narrow it down to two. As my publicist, Jessica Katz, and I have discussed on many occasions, we will always be in love with my Red Carpet look at the 2018 Women In Film Crystal + Lucy Awards (left), and, truly, my absolute favorite is my Red Carpet look for the 2019 Costume Designer Guild Awards (right) with my fab friend, and Costume Designer, Marianne Parker. It is one of those looks that I refer back to when I set goals of what I want to look like on the next Red Carpet.

My everyday style is still Glam in some ways, let's just say ‘Hot Mess Glam’ downplayed a bit, as you will rarely find me outside of my house without hair somewhat done (albeit hot mess messy), make-up, nails and toes manicured, and high heels... and if you do, my face will surely be covered by my Dior glam sunglasses. I have mastered the art of being fashion shabby chic, as I will run out of the house in a Kaftan or sexy sweatpants and a cut off t-shirt, very Flashdance circa 80’s off-the-shoulder style or with a slit up the leg. Hey, I have my own Glam Gal thing working just for me!

You have a number of projects in post-production, including The Second Age of Aquarius. Tell us a bit about this one, and your character Tawny Stevens.

I am so grateful that I had acted in, and produced, a few projects that wrapped prior to COVID-19. My Psycho Therapy (Amazon Prime) film director, Staci Layne Wilson, wrote a film with Darren Gordon Smith (Repo! The Genetic Opera) titled The Second Age of Aquarius. Those two are so crazy talented. It is such a fun indie gem that was produced by Nancy Long. I do not want to give any spoilers, but it is a comedy, with a little bit of a Sci-Fi twist, a hologram, and a lot of music. It is really sweet and clever. The two leads are Christina Jacquelyn Calph and Michael Ursu. I am an Executive Producer and I act in it. I play Tawny Stevens. She is a young mom to Alberta Stevens, stuck in the eighties, as that eighties-style, New Jersey, rocker mom. Wait until you see my hair, my make-up, and my leopard pants. I did the Jersey accent. I can’t wait for the film to come out next year!

Tell us about your new film The Mourning. What drew you to this project?

Okay, since I am a Co-producer on this film, I will simply have to give you my producer-style pitch for it!

Odyssey Motion Pictures released The Mourning Drama/Mystery/Sci-fi/Romance on Tubi TV. Directed by Marc Clebanoff (Stripped), The Mourning stars Michael Rene Walton (20 Ft Below: The Darkness Descending), Louis Mandylor (My Big Fat Greek Wedding), Dominique Swain (Lolita), Sally McDonald (Crushed), Larry Hankin (Home Alone), Peter Dobson (Frighteners), Kinga Phillips (6 Ways to Sundown), Brooke Lewis Bellas (Sinatra Club), Frank Krueger (No Clean Break) and Bob Spillman (White Mule). Produced by Marc Clebanoff, Michael Rene Walton and Pepe Lobo. Co-producers Nadeem Soumah, Anoop Rangi and Brooke Lewis Bellas. Cinematography by Nadeem Soumah. Written by Marc Clebanoff and Michael Rene Walton.

Synopsis:

Aaron returns to his small Middle America hometown, inexplicably, not having aged a day since his mysterious disappearance in Desert Storm 20 years prior. Initially unable to speak, Aaron must come to terms with the losses and evolution of his loved ones in his absence. Concurrently, Aaron’s loved ones must come to terms with the reappearance of the boy who they grieved over and let go years prior. As Aaron begins to assimilate himself back into the lives of his family, his best friend and his long lost lover, it is slowly revealed that Aaron’s homecoming is not permanent. A conspiracy theorist and a mysterious angelic figure, both stalking Aaron, build toward a finale in which Aaron must tie up loose ends before disappearing again forever.

I was drawn to this project, as I am always grateful to have a direct offer for an acting role, and to step into a role that was written for me. In one scene, I am sort of the “comedic relief” character that lightens the dramatic and supernatural intensity. I got to play Lisa “Ass Face.” Lisa was the "unattractive" girl in high school who used to like Aaron and the lead guys. They never gave her the time of day, but when Aaron returns from his mysterious disappearance and reunites with his high school friends, he sees a "cute" girl at the local hangout bar and his friends tell him she is Lisa "Ass Face" from high school. Aaron cannot believe it and realizes how much things REALLY have changed, since his mysterious disappearance. Lisa gets drawn into the intense Sci-fi drama that ensues with Aaron and his friends and finds herself with more than a hookup!

I just fell in love with the themes of life, death, love, and romance in this story, and jumped on as a Co-producer, as well. We had the time of our lives filming this in Holland, Michigan a few years back and I am very proud of this indie film! Please help support it by watching now on Tubi TV streaming.

Our signature question – if you could be any ice cream flavour, which would you be and why?

Cookie Dough! Everyone loves Cookie Dough ice cream… and, even when the dough is raw and raw and exposed in imperfect proportions, we keep digging through and wanting more!

Photo credit to: Isaac Alvarez Hair and Makeup: Allison Noelle

#entertainment #feature #Interview #Brooke Lewis Bellas #Brooke Lewis #Katz PR #The Mourning #Ms. Vampy #The Second Age of Aquarius #actor #actress

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iesorno · 5 years ago

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Anxious Comics – issue 3 page 4

I first saw Daniel Bristow-Bailey’s work when he offered up free copies of his prose zine Dog. I ordered it on the strength of the cover, Dog handwritten above a very detailed drawing of a frog. It made me laugh, there was something oddly significant in that juxtaposition, couldn’t tell you why, but there was. Shortly after that he started his Anxious Comics series, which is a fast paced, underground influenced mash series that has a lot of nonsense and yet some very powerful moments. It’s daft, but also on point and so, exactly what I enjoy.

He’s an eclectic creator and has a set of skills that make his work pop.

You can find him here

shop

Use the discount code ZINELOVE10 for a 10% discount on anything you buy. Valid until the end of 2020.

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Screaming page 2

Can you tell us a bit about the first creator whose work you recognised?

It would have been someone from 2000AD. I remember being very excited by Kevin O’Neill’s run on Nemesis and Simon Bisley’s painted artwork for Sláine. If I look at Bisley’s stuff now I find it hard to get past the grotesque anatomy, but as with people like Todd MacFarlane in the US he pushed past his technical limitations with a raw energy that appealed to adolescent boys. I don’t mean that as snootily as it sounds! Adolescent boys can be fierce critics.

Kev O’Neill – Nemesis the Warlock

Simon Bisley – Slaine

Which creators do you remember first copying?

My mum, who should get most of the credit for teaching me to draw, always strongly discouraged me from copying directly, but I came pretty close to it with Moebius! He always makes it look so (deceptively) easy that it’s hard not to have a go oneself.

Moebius – Edena

Who was the creator that you first thought ‘I’m going to be as good as you!’?

That’s an interesting question. Probably Gilbert Shelton. I started reading the Freak Brothers when I was far too young (got to thank my mum again for that) and that “underground” style with lots of fine linework and cross-hatching seemed to be achievable with the materials I had at home. I think the Shelton influence still shows in my black-and-white stuff.

Gilbert Shelton – Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

Which creator or creators do you currently find most inspiring?

In terms of comics, I’ve recently discovered Al Columbia. I can’t remember the last time I found an artist who really disturbed me like his stuff does. Even the more restrained stuff has an evil, haunted quality. The book I’ve got (Pim and Francie, Fantagraphics, 2009) feels like a cursed object, like the Necronomicon in Lovecraft’s stories, or the video cassette in the Ring. It’s a great example of text, illustration and book design all working together.

Al Columbia – Pim and Francie

Nabokov – Pale fire – Gingko Press edition

I’ve been reading a lot of Nabokov. He’s one of those writers I keep coming back to. Sometimes I like to think about how you could do a graphic novel of “Pale Fire”. The first half of the book is a very long poem, written by one fictitious character, and the second half is a collection of footnotes to the poem, written by a second fictitious character, who has stolen the manuscript and is preparing an unauthorised edition of the poem. As the notes digress further and further from the text of the poem, another narrative emerges, that may or may not be “true”, so it would probably be impossible to do a graphic novel adaptation, but thinking about how one might do impossible things is often creatively rewarding.

Which creators do you most often think about?

David Lynch – Twin Peaks

Aside from the people I’ve mentioned already, I think a lot about David Lynch. I’ve always liked his stuff but Twin Peaks: The Return (2017) absolutely blew me away. There were points I was watching that when I thought “I didn’t know you could do that with television”. I think whenever a work expands your ideas about what’s possible within a particular medium you know you’re in the presence of real Art with a capital A. I love the sense of mystery in Lynch’s stuff, which I think comes from his letting the subconscious take the lead in the creative process – he talks a lot about using ideas or imagery from dreams, or meditation. It’s a process I’ve consciously been emulating with “Anxious Comics”.

Anxious Comics – issue 3 page 4

Can you name the first three creative peers that come into your head and tell a little bit about why?

Gareth Hopkins, because I’ve just finished doing a page for his “no new ideas” project. It was great fun getting to paint over a copy of one of his pages. Gareth posts a lot of his process online and I’ve found it inspiring how he reworks and recycles stuff. His work has definitely encouraged me to veer more towards abstraction, and not to be afraid, in comics, of decoupling the text from the image – I think he was a big influence on my one-shot “the Screaming”.

Gareth Brookes. I’ve not talked to Gareth much about process but he seems drawn to ridiculously labour-intensive media, like embroidery or linocuts. As if making comics wasn’t hard enough already! But as I said before, there’s nothing like setting yourself an impossible challenge to get the creative juices flowing. Also, when I look at the spread of stuff he’s got for sale at conventions – a mix of self-published zines and two or three big hardback books published more traditionally, I think it’s where I’d like to be myself in a few years’ time, so I guess he’s kind of a role model for me right now.

Hannah Lee Miller

Hannah Lee Miller is producing some lovely stuff. I picked up a copy of her zine about condiments at Catford Zine Fair and it’s one of those things that initially seems rather slight and inconsequential but is actually really, really good, it just doesn’t shout about it. Also, Hannah is, in my limited experience, infallibly enthusiastic about other comic / zine people and always ready to help out or lend support where it’s needed. An asset to the scene.

Finally, can you tell us a bit about your recent work and yourself?

For a long time I tried to be self-disciplined and only work on one thing at once, but recently I’ve come to accept that I’m happier when I have several projects, preferably in different media, on the go at once.

The last thing I self-published was “The Screaming”, an experimental one-shot comic about dreams and mental health. I wrote about it in some detail for Broken Frontier.

Screaming page 8

I’ve got five pages in the upcoming anthology by Obsolete Comics. I’m really excited about this one as it looks like it’s going to be great, and hopefully represents the start of another small comics press. We can never have enough small comics presses.

I’ve also got Anxious Comics, my ongoing series – four issues out to date and the fifth long overdue! My long-term plan with that, if you can call it that, is to keep it going between other projects for as long as it needs to, or until I get bored. At some point it would be nice to do a collected edition.

I’m currently drawing a comic written by Steve Thompson, which he’ll be pitching to publishers soon I think. I like drawing other people’s scripts because it forces me to draw stuff I otherwise wouldn’t think of.

Looking to the longer term, I’m working on a script for a longer-form comic. It’s kind of a superhero thing. But not quite. I’ve got this character who’s kind of my own take on the super-violent costumed vigilantes like the Punisher and Deadpool that were popular when I was a kid, but transplanted to the “real world” of early-noughties London. It’s pretty bleak. I think it’s funny myself but as with some other stuff I’ve self-published in the past it will probably cause people to express concern for my mental health.

Gareth – Hunt Begins – work in progess

Bio: Daniel Bristow-Bailey was born in London in 1978. Growing up during the “dark age” of mainstream comics, he quickly became attracted to the alternative / indie scene and, encouraged by his mum and the bloke in the local comic shop, started drawing his own from an early age. Like many others, he drifted away from comics in his late teens, put off by their uncool image and lack of seriousness compared to grown-up art and literature, but came back to them in recent years as he realised that no-one was going to think he was cool or take him seriously anyway. As well as making his own comics, he draws other people’s scripts and sometimes writes prose fiction. He has a day job working as a mental health person in schools. He lives in Richmond with his wife and two children.

Thank you very much for taking the time to fill this out and let us into your mind.

Gerald – work in progress

all art copyright and trademark it’s respective owners.

Small (press) oaks – Daniel Bristow-Bailey @bristowbailey details who influenced him (tl:dr mostly his mum!) in our latest look creator's influences #smalloaks #comics #zines #inetrviews #zinelove I first saw Daniel Bristow-Bailey's work when he offered up free copies of his prose zine Dog.

#comics #horror #interview #smallpress #zines

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deadcactuswalking · 5 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 1st December 2019

REVIEWING THE CHARTS SPEEDRUN – 1:20 (WR)

Top 10

For the eighth consecutive week, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at #1.

Up a whopping 17 spaces off of the debut last week is “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi hits number-two, becoming his fifth top ten hit in the UK.

At number-three, we have Stormzy’s big debut for the final single from his upcoming sophomore album, Heavy is the Head. With the album release, this can likely get to #1, but for now, “Own It” featuring Ed Sheeran and Burna Boy has debuted at number-three. It’s Stormzy’s 19th UK Top 40 hit and eighth placement in the top 10, Sheeran’s 53rd UK Top 40 hit (Jesus Christ – that might actually be an inaccurate figure since I manually counted) and 27th top 10, and Burna Boy’s highest-ever peaking song and both his third UK Top 40 and top 10 hit.

The two new top three entries sadly crush Dua Lipa’s hopes at a #1, as “Don’t Start Now” is down two spaces to number-four. Let’s hope the Christmas period isn’t too rough on this track.

Billie Eilish’s “everything i wanted”, is also down two off of the debut at number-five, fairing a lot better than I expected it to, to be honest.

Lewis Capaldi is two-for-two in the top 10, as “Bruises” is steady at number-six.

Unfortunately, Arizona Zervas is up to number-seven with the clunker that is “ROXANNE”... trust me, I’ll be covering this in about a month, although not to that much of an extent. My year-end worst list seems to be pretty small and uninteresting this year, actually.

“Memories” by Maroon 5 is down three spaces to number-eight. God, that sounded like an AI-written sentence.

At number-nine, we have Ed Sheeran’s pathetic “South of the Border” featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B continuing to fall down two spaces this week.

Finally, at #10, finishing off the top 10, is “Down Like That” by KSI, Rick Ross, Lil Baby and S-X, becoming what I’m pretty sure is the first UK top 10 hit for all artists here, although I could be wrong about that. Congratulations, I suppose, although the song is far from great.

Climbers

I am my own best source when fact-checking what the BBC site says. I don’t go to the Official Chart Company’s UK Singles Chart, I don’t go to ACharts, I go to last week’s REVIEWING THE CHARTS, especially for situations like this, in which BBC messes it up so badly that I’m confused to how they messed it up in the first place. BBC says that “Pump it Up” by DJ Endor, is down nine to #29. The issue is that it is placed after #20, and #22 continues after it. After looking at my climbers section last week, I found that “Pump it Up” by Endor was already at #29... last week. So, “Pump it Up” by Endor is up eight spaces to #21... and “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles is up seven spaces off of the debut to #28. BBC got that one wrong, too.

Fallers

There are only a couple here. We have the unfortunate continuing fall for the great “Must Be” by J Hus down seven spots only on its third week down to #20, as well as a couple of massive songs that have probably had their on-demand streaming numbers cut. It sounds about time for “Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean and “Circles” by Post Malone to be affected by that arbitrary chart rule and they have, as they’re now down 21 and 26 spaces respectively, at #25 and #35. Oh, and “Paper Cuts” by Dave continues to flop down 10 spaces at #40.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

We have a pretty plentiful number of drop-outs and, uncommon for the UK Top 40, two returning entries. The drop-outs are all reasonable and in order of their last chart position (For now, at least), we have “Buss Down” by Aitch featuring ZieZie getting its streaming cut from #21, Dermot Kennedy’s ballad “Outnumbered” finishing its run at #23, “Jerry Sprunger” by Tory Lanez featuring T-Pain flubbering off of the debut last week from #32 after Chixtape 5 fails to continue its hype beyond the first week, “Post Malone” by Sam Feldt featuring RANI dropping out from #34, “Follow God” by Kanye West embarrassing itself out from #36, “Opp Thot” by Poundz suffering from the amount of new and returning entries from #37 (This one’s the most likely to rebound), “Lover” by Taylor Swift dropping out from #38 despite returning last week and the release of the first dance remix, and finally, as expected from last week, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy and remixed by Sir Spyro featuring Aitch and Jaykae, is out from #40. Hopefully, I never have to type that mouthful again. Our first returning entry is “Orphans” by Coldplay returning to #27 after dropping out from last week, thanks to the album release. Our second, well...

IT’S CHRISTMAS INNIT

It’s starting! We have a second returning entry this week in the top 40, and it’s “All I Want Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey at #34, which is making a play for #1 in the US. I’ve already reviewed the song last year, and I just love this song even more now, to be honest. That’s the only Christmas song in the top 40 (For now), but I figured I should just mention the other Christmas songs in the top 75. “Fairytale of New Yorks” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is back at #71, “Last Christmas” by WHAM! is at #43... and that’s all for now. We’ll definitely have more to fill out the new It’s Christmas Innit section next week.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “Can’t Fight This Feeling” – Bastille featuring the London Contemporary Orchestra

Produced by Mara Carlyle and Hugh Brunt – Peaked at #4 in Scotland

It’s not exactly an unpopular opinion to admit that the original REO Speedwagon version of “Can’t Fight This Feeling” from 1984 is an incredibly well-written pop song, especially for the time, but real talk: I don’t like that version of the song at all. While I can’t deny the anthemic chorus, the song is such a slog at nearly five freaking minutes and it is exhaustingly dull. I was actually quite interested in hearing the full version of the cover, as the John Lewis Christmas advert always has a hit single to go along with it, in fact the next song I’ll be reviewing includes an artist who got their big break from John Lewis... and it’s only three minutes, and better yet, features the London Contemporary Orchestra in their first credited UK Top 40 appearance. I also like Dan Smith’s voice a hell of a lot more than I do Kevin Cronin’s. Notably, for a bit of trivia, this isn’t a John Lewis-exclusive single, as it features on a Waitrose advert as well. Huh. Anyway, is Bastille’s eighth UK Top 40 hit any good? Well, I feel it’s misleading to call it a Bastille song as this is very much Dan Smith crooning over an admittedly pretty gorgeous and busy orchestral rendition of the original Speedwagon single. Smith does sound overwhelmed in the mix by the strings at times, and the dude has a couple weak moments at times, especially during the verses, but he mostly holds his own and I’m always a sucker for some well-placed horns riffing out of nowhere. Even then, I don’t think the song is all that great, and nearly two minutes in, there’s a really abrupt, distorted string riff that clips heavily and it just sounds gross. Do I prefer it to the original REO Speedwagon song? Of course I do – it’s nearly half the length and I’m a fan of both Bastille and well... the Super Mario Galaxy soundtrack, as the tones of this instrumentation do resemble that at points (Which is never a bad thing). Oh, and I love the addition of the twinkly pianos at the end as a nice touch. Otherwise, it’s pretty good, but I don’t see it reaching the heights of the Lily Allen’s cover of “Somewhere Only We Know”, also from the John Lewis advert, that peaked at #1 in 2013. I guess it didn’t warm the cockles of my cockles.

#36 – “Into the Unknown” – Idina Menzel and AURORA – from the Frozen II soundtrack

Produced by Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Robert Lopez and Christophe Beck – Peaked at #55 in the US and #5 in South Korea

I don’t know or care about Frozen II. I am not a film person; I watch about five movies a year, and they typically aren’t boring Disney sequels that pose no interest for someone who has already seen the first film. I don’t think the sequel will ever reach the absolute phenomena that the original Frozen was because that era starting from 2013 is impossible to match, even for the monopoly that is Disney. This is Idina Menzel, or as most people know her, Elsa’s fourth UK Top 40 hit excluding those that she had as part of the Glee cast and AURORA’s second after the indie darling’s brief stint of fame she experienced due to covering the Oasis B-side from 1994 that was attached to a standalone single that peaked at #3 and got them sued by Neil Innes of Monty Python fame. AURORA’s version was featured in a John Lewis advert in 2015 and peaked at #11, and then she became a folktronica-influenced art pop songstress, who is still getting calls from companies to promote their products, despite the inaccessibility of her newer material. Regardless, this is “Let it Go” part two, or at least Disney’s attempt at one, and I have no idea what relevance this has to the film, but the song itself is okay, although it struggles, as do a lot of cinematic, orchestral show tunes, with structure and a lack of transitions that make the shifts in sections any less abrupt, as at times, it does feel like a certain string section is off-beat simply because you’re never prepared for what’s coming next. AURORA’s verse has a lot of odd empty space, and overall, her presence seems to kill the momentum of the song entirely, even if the chorus has a lot of swell despite some painful, dry mixing that Disney tends to have. Also, this will not be the next “Let it Go”. It’s way too disjointed and not nearly catchy enough, and nobody will be able to hit the belting notes these guys do in the chorus... except maybe Brendon Urie, who in fact did hit those notes in his inferior cover that debuted at #74 (Might be one of the first times since at least 2016 where both the US and the UK have had the same song twice on their charts). Weezer have a song on this soundtrack, too, called “Lost in the Woods”, and I kind of like it, to be honest, with some pretty cool, chugging guitar riffs and great harmonies from Cuomo in the pre-chorus. It’s kind of reminiscent fo the White Album, but I digress. “Into the Unknown” is listenable; next!

#35 – “French Kisses” – ZieZie featuring Aitch

Produced by Tré Jean-Marie

This might not be listenable, however. Aitch was the worst part of their last collaboration, “Buss Down”, which ironically dropped out this week (It’s almost like they called the Official Charts Company and asked them to switch the two out), with ZieZie being equally mediocre, although in his chorus, he was pretty cool, and in the verse, he was vile. I don’t have high expectations is what I’m saying. What a fitting producer for this song, though, and it’s ZieZie’s third and Aitch’s sixth UK Top 40 hit, so... eh? I actually quite like the vintage French vocal and string sample used here, but it’s abruptly drowned out by a bass-heavy Afroswing beat that sounds pretty okay but ZieZie doesn’t play it cool here, reaching into his relatively non-existent higher register in both the chorus and his verse, although admittedly that pre-chorus has some swagger. The post-chorus, on the other hand, has a nasal repetition of nonsense sounds, and Aitch just... Jesus, man, what the hell WAS that? He sounds half-dead, and his monotonous flow is continually harbouring on off-beat! His lyrical content is far from interesting either as he follows the main theme of the song, which is “I’ll give this girl French kisses and make her girl, “ooh-la-la”.” It’s a bit of a flimsy concept, and to quote a geography teacher, there isn’t enough place-specific detail to really excuse this dreck. This is pretty disposable.

#31 – “Loyal” – PARTYNEXTDOOR and Drake

Produced by Dregotjuice, OG Parker and 40 – Peaked at #63 in the US and #19 in Canada

Alright, well, I’m surprised this debuted so high but I’m not surprised it’s here. I’ve only ever liked PARTYNEXTDOOR on uncredited guest appearances (“Ghost Town” by Kanye and “Ratchet Happy Birthday” by Drake) so that doesn’t exactly bode well for him. I assume this will be a very Views or More Life-type song, which also doesn’t bode well as those albums are some of Drake’s worst but obviously have a very large PARTYNEXTDOOR influence. I don’t have much hope for this, but it’s PARTYNEXTDOOR’s third UK Top 40 hit (First as lead artist), and God knows how many of those Drake has at this point. The song starts off well with some lo-fi keys that could make a very smooth R&B ballad... but then the snares come in and it’s obvious this is some garbage. PARTYNEXTDOOR sounds checked-out as does Drake, although at times PARTY decides to just belt and it sounds freaking awful. It’s almost hilarious, actually. To be honest, the synths paint a really pretty atmosphere behind the Young Thug impersonator with the out-of-place “Ayy” ad-libs and the 808s that cover any sense of lead melody. This barely has a groove or melody to catch onto, and Drake’s heavily Auto-Tuned which leads me to believe he just came into the studio for about five minutes whilst drunk. It sounds like both of these lads are drunk, actually. Honestly, I’ve been nice. This is disposable, mediocre garbage, although the outro does seem promising, with some nice strings and cute synths... but I doubt that’ll lead to anything good on the album, if it even does. I doubt PARTY has that foresight. God, this guy is really only good for uncredited backing vocals, huh?

#16 – “New Dior” – DigDat and D-Block Europe

Produced by RXR Music

Okay, this song debuting high shouldn’t be a surprise. D-Block Europe get this high purely off of YouTube and Spotify every few weeks, and they’ve gotten to their highest peak of #16 before with “Kitchen Kings” and even “Nookie” featuring Lil Baby. DigDat, on the other hand, has never reached this high with one of his three UK Top 40 singles, not even “Guten Tag” with Hardy Caprio, which I’m still impressed by and don’t think he’ll make anything as good as that anytime soon, especially not with these two hacks. Young Adz and... the other one have consistently proved to be some of the most untalented yet also the funniest duo from this crop of British rap of recent years. I can’t take these guys seriously, and I know they want me to. This starts as all D-Block Europe songs do, with some incoherent murmuring from Young Adz and nonsensical guitar strumming, but this one has a lot of momentum initially, with Young Adz’s comedic inflections in the chorus (Which is all he has: for once, he doesn’t provide a verse) failing to cover up the hilariously cheap producer tag... but Goddamn it, I like it. I’ll admit, this is a pretty decent song all things considered. First of all, Sean Donoghue, the mixer of this song, sorted out the issues D-Block Europe constantly have with vocal mixing, and to be honest, now that I’ve got to hear his voice a lot better, Young Adz may be more talented of a singer than I thought, although he sticks to a pretty monotone cadence here. In the post-chorus, Young Adz genuinely raps pretty well, and the 808 hits that pound through the beat are a cool addition, as are the yells that act as screaming ad-libs throughout the chorus. DigDat is on-brand, and by that I mean a misogynist and untrusting gangster, but he has two verses here, and they both detail his court case with his brother – not in great detail, but it’s really interesting how he depicts his materialistic mindset failing to let prison tame him. It’s kind of emotional, which is something I never expected D-Block Europe to be. Dirtbike LB is just extra weight as always, although his line about telling his mother that Percocets aren’t vitamins is kind of funny. For once, I think these guys have won me over... well, this song has. I still don’t think these guys are any good, and this may be a complete fluke, but I don’t care. This song is good.

#3 – “Own It” – Stormzy featuring Ed Sheeran and Burna Boy

Produced by Fred Gibson and Jay Weathers

Somehow, I have less hope in this song than I do D-Block Europe’s. Since I’ve already said everything else about this song in the top 10 section, I can skip the pre-amble and get this done pretty quickly. I like the sporadic vocal samples, they have a crowd cheering effect and a sound you can genuinely attribute to found footage rather than some sampled pack. Stormzy doesn’t sound great here, in fact, he sounds asleep and oddly distorted, clipping in the mix several times in the chorus. The synths here are airy and boring, the groove is stiff, the ad-libs are awkward and the beat cuts out for no reason when they come in. Burna Boy comes in with Stormzy on the chorus and for a random bridge / interlude, so I don’t know his purpose here and it makes the song feel very disjointed. The extra glittery synths in the post-chorus are really nice-sounding, and Ed Sheeran can sing better than any of these guys, so he somehow gets the crown of the best verse here, especially due to the harmonies with his multi-tracked vocals and Burna Boy’s. I don’t like Ed, but he definitely brought his talent here, even though his vocodered contributions on the chorus are pretty gross, in fact the mixing on the song entirely is pretty gross – and muddy. Everything sounds a lot more distorted and loud than it should. Is it disappointing? For Stormzy, yes, but for a Stormzy collaboration with Ed Sheeran and extra baggage Burna Boy, it’s about what I expected.

Conclusion

Well, Best of the Week goes to... DigDat and D-Block Europe. Colour me surprised, but “New Dior” is actually pretty good, and Honourable Mention goes to Bastille and the London Contemporary Orchestra for their improvement on the REO Speedwagon classic, “Can’t Fight This Feeling”. Worst of the Week is definitely going to PARTYNEXTDOOR and Drake for “Loyal”, and Dishonourable Mention... uh, sure, ZieZie and Aitch. “French Kisses”. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank and I’ll see you next week!

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nikkifinnie-blog · 7 years ago

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Meet The Bolokos

The Bolokos are a punk band formed in 2009 in Goyave, Guadeloupe (F.W.I). They are composed of Océ Cheapfret (vocals, guitar, bombard, mandolin,) Edy Caramello (vocals, guitar, harmonica, bagpipes,) Mister Fridge (drums, vocals) and Ben O'It (bass, vocals). Pioneers of Punk Rock in Guadeloupe, the group started out playing small clubs on the island as The Sleepwalkers, but quickly renamed themselves the Bolokos. (More on what a Boloko is below!) The band is a fusion of punk, country, ska, Celtic and Creole music. They cultivate a particular style both visually and musically. In December 2014, they released their first single, "Love You As Before" on the Bokit Production label. The band is known to incorporate other instruments not commonly found in punk such as gwo ka, melodica, banjo, and trumpet. They are releasing their first LP sometime in 2018 produced by Martinican artist Kali. They are native French speakers, but wanted to do the interview in English and I found them to be a group of really funny, very independent and free thinking, extremely talented individuals. Read on! Photo credit: Lala Von Schwartz (L to R: Ben O’It, Ocè Cheapfret, Edy Caramello, Mister Fridge and Woody the bird!) Erin: Hi guys! My first and most pressing question is what the hell is a Boloko? Océ Cheapfret: Hi Erin, thank you very much for this interview! To answer your question, a Boloko is a creole term for someone with a completely extravagant odd outfit and rude manners. In the West Indies it’s a very pejorative term. He has no conscience about the lack of good taste or he simply ignores it. It’s someone who is daring and ignores fashion codes. I see him as an anti-conformist. Edy Caramello: Yeah, it’s kind of an insult. The closest thing I can think of that would translate into English, is a misfit or a bumpkin. When we began we had a different name but my eldest sister used to call us Bolokos because that’s what we were haha! So we finally changed it, thinking with a name like that it can permit us to do anything and everything. But it was a mistake, because at the beginning nobody wanted to hire us because of the name. Here we don’t have that culture of depreciating names for bands. Mister Fridge: We don’t care about what people think. Even if it’s a denigrating word in Guadeloupe, we choose to laugh at it rather than take it seriously. Erin: Tell me a bit about each one of the band members; where you are from, what made you want to play music, what instruments do you play? Mister Fridge: Let's start with the only woman in the group, Océ Cheapfret! She’s a bit like our mother, because without her we would forget a lot of things for concerts haha. But otherwise, it’s this unique, sincere, melodious voice that thrills the audience. An unforgettable character for the public, everyone remembers her. Then we have Edy Caramello, the first fan of punk in Guadeloupe, our songwriter without whom none of this would have been possible! Obviously, without us, it would be nothing, but he gave much of his persona for the band. And myself the drummer, the oldest, “el padre”. I originally come from Normandy. I have lived in Guadeloupe for 10 years. Music is vital for me. I also love trying new instruments. I literally live music, I beat the rhythm everywhere I can. Edy Caramello : Very poetic! For a shorter presentation, hum hum, I was born and grew up in Guadeloupe. I think it was listening to Bob Dylan with my father which really gave me an interest in making music rather than only listening or dancing to it. In the band I do some barking and play guitar, harmonica, bagpipes and banjo. Océ Cheapfret : I do lead vocals and play guitar, mandolin and bombard. Like Edy, I was born and grew up in the French West Indies (Martinique and Guadeloupe). After we completed our studies in France, we decided to reform our old band and spread the punk message louder than the first time. Punk rock in theWest Indies seemed a risky business at the time. You know zouk is the predominant music with dancehall and you have other Caribbean music which fills the empty spaces, so rock ‘n’ roll is nearly inexistent. But we really wanted to share this music which make us so happy and after a lot of gigs and perseverance the audience got bigger. Erin: When did you start playing music and when did you decide or realize music was the path you were going to take? Mister Fridge: I started playing music at 13 with saxophone, but I quickly changed to percussion and it has remained a passion ever since. Océ Cheapfret: My taste for rock music developed at adolescence with Californian bands like The Offspring and Red Hot Chili Peppers. I immediately wanted to play guitar. At 12, I got my first guitar from my uncle who previously got his first guitar from his uncle! It’s a kind of a family tradition! Punk music came later with more happy times. My friend Edy introduced me to this very particular scene. It’s with him that I learned how to sing when we started to play traditional tunes that inspired us so much. Edy Caramello : I was kind of late to start music compared to the other band members. I was maybe 14 or 15. I began with piano and my father taught me how to play the harmonica, but it’s Océ who taught me how to play the guitar. I don’t really know how to explain it because it’s a passion, you know? It’s when I see people dancing, shouting and singing our songs that I realize that it really worth doing it. Erin: Who are your major influences? What or who inspires you today? Océ Cheapfret: For me, traditional country music (Kingston Trio, Carter Family, etc.,) but the music that is inspiring me the most right now and makes me happy is ska! Bands like The Selecter and The Specials. Mister Fridge: I listen to a lot of Ska-P, The Offspring, but initially I'm a big fan of ska/reggae music like Toots & the Maytals or Jimmy Cliff. Edy Caramello: My biggest influence will ever remain Bob Dylan, but also The Clancy Brothers & Tommy Makem, Hank Williams, Carter Family, Kali, D.O.A, Subhumans, UK Subs, The Damned, TV Smith, Goldblade and of course The Clash to name a few. They had a really huge impact on my musical path, and personnal developement. It’s the same people that I was listening to when I was a kid who still inspire my today but also new bands and but not exclusively in the punk scene. Erin: Living on an island, how do you think that affects your music and creativity? Do you feel isolated or are you better able to develop your own style of music and scene? Why? Edy Caramello: Very interesting one! I think living on an island (reminds me of the Cock Sparrer song!) influenced who we are because we don’t have the same culture and access to Western culture is sometimes difficult. But, Guadeloupian culture and Caribbean culture in general are dearly beloved by us. If we would have grown up in another country, we would probably never have started a band. One of the reasons we did is because nobody played the music we wanted to hear. There were some bands who played classic rock and the same boring shit we’d hear over and over again, but we wanted to hear bands like U.K. Subs or Sham 69! Sometimes we feel isolated, but we’re also proud to live here and who knows, without this distance maybe this conversation would have never happened! Océ Cheafret: Cultural mixing is very fascinating. It was very important to us to cultivate this very rich Caribbean culture and mix it with punk music. Though this association seems easy with ska, an adaptation like “Bel Aw,” was the occasion to really show our cultural plurality and give our tribute to traditional Guadeloupian music like Gwo Ka. Mister Fridge: I will add, that in Guadeloupe nobody had been as boloko as The Bolokos haha! So we try to surprise our audience at each show, change the set list etc. Erin: Do you currently have a record label you are signed with? Océ Cheapfret: No, we are a DIY band. We choose to produce ourselves. The inconvenience is we don’t have a lot of money, so things take time to happen, but the good part is we don’t have any pressure or someone who tells us what to do. Erin: Where in the world have you played shows? Edy Caramello : For now, only in the Caribbean islands, but our dream is to play at the Rebellion Festival in Blackpool, which we go to every year for our dose of punk rock! I think that after that I could stop making music and start raising chickens haha! Erin: What is the band currently working on right now? Tours? Albums? Videos? Océ Cheapfret: We are constantly playing gigs throughout the year where we can. The next one will be at a festival in Marie-Galante. We’re currently working on our début album which will be out by the end of this year. It’s already recorded, but now we have to do all the promotion ourselves until the outing. It’s times like these we realize that a label can be helpful haha. And we start filming a new video clip next week! Erin: Personally, which form of music does each member prefer? Vinyl, CD, cassette or digtal music? Why? Mister Fridge: Vinyl for the vintage side. Edy Caramello: I would like to say vinyl without sounding like a pretentious twat like Mister Fridge, but I do dig this format. It’s a sort of a ceremony when you are playing it. You’re really paying attention to what comes out of the speakers. Now it makes me sound more pretentious than him hahaha! I also still buy a lot of CD’s to support bands I like. I don’t use Spotify, Deezer or any digital platform. If I do it’s for pirating to discover bands, because I don’t have enough money to buy everything I like, but if I really appreciate them, I will buy their music in physical form. Océ Cheapfret: Vinyl has something magical and sounds alive. Although CD’s are still convenient (more choices,) and cheaper. Erin: Do you think the internet enhances or destroys the creativity of the mind? Mister Fridge: For me, it destroys the creativity of the mind. Internet influences us too much. Edy Caramello: I have a different take on this one. You know if the internet didn’t exist I would probably never had developed an interest in music, especially in punk, because we don’t have access to this music here on radio, in shops, shows, etc. But I get your point that sometimes we spend too much time on it and it can be inhibiting seeing people like a 4 year old little girl playing 1000x times better than you ever will in some YouTube video hah! Océ Cheapfret: The internet is an open door to the world and a source of inspiration, even more for us islanders. Its content can be a source of inspiration but it also can make you forget your singularity. When you look too much at the others, you forget to live and be yourself. Erin: What guitars/amps/pedals do you use? Mister Fridge: Mapex, Zildjian. Edy Caramello: I use an old telecaster that Océ’s uncle who lives in Lyon gave me few years back. (Thanks Gilles !) I’ve just replaced my first Fender amp I bought in high school with an Orange one but I don’t remember the exact model. I don’t really use pedals except for a tuner and a boost for solos. Océ Cheapfret: I’m currently using a not well known Canadian brand called Galaxy which was used by Joey Shithead for the last DOA album (last extravagant gift from my friend Edy.) So I couldn’t resist the luxury to play it with a good Orange amp! I haven’t used a pedal since, I just plug in and play! https://www.facebook.com/thebolokos/ https://www.instagram.com/thebolokos/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdKospwBCKc Read the full article

#punk #TheBolokos

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raystart · 7 years ago

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Big Spaceship: The Indie Agency That Grew Up With the Internet

From its humble beginnings in Brooklyn’s Dumbo in 2000, when that part of New York City was a desolate, off-the-grid stomping ground of artists and artisans, to the 115-person agency that has been the focus of two Harvard Business Review case studies and was knighted digital partner by JetBlue in June, Big Spaceship is still doing what it does best: paving new paths for how creative agencies define themselves, what they do, and how they work.

Calling itself a “modern partner to ambitious brands,” the agency has dropped the word digital from its list of attributes in a move aimed at putting the limiting and, in its opinion, now obsolete definition of digital agency behind it. (If the whole world is digitized, the thinking goes, why would you call yourself digital anymore?)

Big Spaceship, whose name seems more relevant than ever, is focused on what it can do for brands – and how culture and behavior affect their ability to do this – rather than which vertical they inhabit. In this vein, they divide their services into the three unique offerings: systems, stories, and communities. Big Spaceship is clearly doing something right. In addition to landing JetBlue, the 17-year-old company recently became Hasbro Games’ agency of record (note: not just “digital” agency of record), redesigned the Boston Ballet’s digital identity, created an app for BMW drivers that connects them with company engineers, and made a three-part film series in White Sands National Monument to showcase the photographic prowess of Samsung’s new phone.

99U Contributing Editor Dave Benton sat down with founder and CEO Michael Lebowitz, the man most responsible for Big Spaceship’s flight patterns, to find out how the agency manages to win clients David vs. Goliath–style from competitors many times its size, why the company’s culture is such a fundamental driver of its success, and how the company’s ethos plays out in everyday working life.

How have you seen Dumbo change over the course of 17 years?

In the first four or five months, we were in a 100-square-foot bedroom in my partner’s apartment in Brooklyn. Very soon after that we found our first office space and it was wildly cheap. Early on there were tumbleweeds blowing by! Our first building was pretty rough and tumble, and now there are extremely fancy and expensive condos nearby. There was a period of time where there weren’t even any services in the area and we had to walk up into Brooklyn Heights to get anything to eat. There was a great artistic community here – furniture makers and artisans and the like – and there was a vibrance to it even though it was quiet.

Eventually we got an actual market, which was a big step, and now that it has turned into a digital agency hub; part of me loves it and part of me regrets ever saying anything about Dumbo. It’s always a double-edged sword. Dumbo is such a neighborhood unto itself; you experience it the same way you would with the gentrification of a residential neighborhood. We’ve maintained a certain internal culture and are just as we used to be. The main difference is that our friends and clients are happy to spend time with us here.

How did you come to design?

It goes far back, in a strange way, to the Macintosh 512 I had when I was a young kid. I got one early on at my house, and there was no turning back from there. It was black and white and had a tiny screen, but it was incredible. We then got an early modem and had CompuServe, and I figured out how to do file downloads for the software to create my own bulletin board. I was probably 12 years old, and people would sign on and we would chat and trade files, so I guess I was into the internet before the internet, in a weird way. This was around 1984 or 1985. Design-wise, I was using Mac Paint and would create covers for my schoolwork, but I was never a good designer. I might have actually been the world’s worst designer.

My first real commercial work wasn’t until 1996. I had a friend who worked at a record label, and he introduced me to an internship out of a small web design company in Massachusetts. I swallowed my pride and moved back in with my mom in order to take it. Three of the guys who owned and worked at the studio lived in the house, and I would turn up in the morning all enthusiastic, and they’d wander down in their bathrobes with cigarettes and coffee! Their niche was music, so I worked on the Aerosmith website and a few other things, and that’s where I really began to cut my teeth and taught myself Flash. After a while of doing that, I moved back to New York and got my first full-time gig out of the print division at the back of the Village Voice.

It was incredibly quaint to get a digital job at a printed newspaper. It was the Wild West in web design at that time. There were barely any books, and when I started out you would see something online and just try to reverse engineer it. There was this great sharing community, but there really weren’t any classes or curriculum. You could be a designer just by having enough jobs and Photoshop to do it.

Thanks to the Harvard Business Review’s write-up on Big Spaceship, you’ve had a lasting effect on how digital agencies have structured their teams. How is your structure special, and how does it help your team?

There was a moment in 2007 when we were still seated in the office by discipline. I heard somebody say, “That’s not us; that’s the producers.” It horrified me! I felt like we were a band of misfits that all worked together, so the very next day I reseated everyone by the project they were working on so everyone sat cross-functionally, oriented toward the goal of the work rather than the skill sets that they aligned with. We never looked back.

At that time, all of our projects were of a very similar size and shape. We had fixed teams with a fixed number of people of different disciplines and they had names and numbers – that’s what Harvard wrote the case study about, and whether that structure would allow us to grow and scale. We can scale it, but when you are dealing with many different accounts and sizes of projects, as digital matured more and became the center of things, that’s when things got more interesting. We needed to make our organization more elastic and make sure we could slide people where we needed. But keeping the cross-functional accountability for great work always stayed the same.

The downside of cross-functional teams is that you don’t have all the designers sitting together and learning from each other. It is important that you develop every channel for communication that you can. We have Slack channels for each discipline. We focus on creating the connectivity that you don’t have from sitting together. We became much more efficient with this structure, and the team system was driven to make it like there were several small agencies within a small agency. One of the most important parts of this is that problems within teams surface far more quickly, so they can be resolved sooner. It keeps everything more transparent.

What does it take to create a great organization for the future?

The one thing you have real control over is values. It’s about your day-to-day job satisfaction. Our core values are to “take care of each other,” “collaborate inside and out,” “speak up – no silent disagreement,” and “produce amazing work.” It sounds pretty simple, although it took a lot of tweaking over time to get it down to that. I’ve recently been thinking of adding one around inclusivity and the value of diversity of perspective. One of the reasons we say “speak up” is that I have a lot of experience in what we do, but I don’t have the perspective of someone who has a 23-year-old’s interface with the culture right now, and neither of those is more valuable than the other.

An intern’s view is as valuable as mine, just in a completely different way. And I’m talking about the broadest sense of diversity, where it’s about bringing your whole self to work. I don’t want someone to just be a role; I want them to be a person. How can we embrace that as fully as possible and bring in every new facet we can bring in?

How are you adapting your agency to the post–“digital agency” world?

We should be thinking about people, and that people are at the center of it. Everything is being transformed by the biggest economic revolution of our lifetime, and it needs more nuance. Digital was enough of a differentiator for a while, as it could still be seen as separate from other things, but now it can’t. It could be used to optimize a company’s supply chain or for a social post. So digital is no longer a useful word. I understand that people are calling themselves digital agencies because that’s what clients are searching for, but I prefer to put our philosophy first and call ourselves a “modern partner,” as we were born into the digital world and understand it. The term digital agency means different things to everyone. We are in a position to be fortunate enough to say we are “a modern partner to ambitious brands.” We want to say something about our ambition because we are now in a position where we believe we can deliver on it.

How do you stay on top of what’s happening in the world around us, and when do you pull this knowledge in for your clients?

We hire curious people with a broad range of skill sets at the company now, and we always give people a voice. We tend to hire people who are good at connecting dots that might not otherwise be connected. My superpower is connecting the real superheroes. I also try hard not to dive too deeply into the industry trade publications, as I don’t think you find inspiration there. We will look at other agencies’ work to admire it, but I think it’s dangerous to get your inspiration from an echo chamber. If it’s being talked about in a publication, it’s probably a bit late anyway. Look at what the kids are doing: That’s being aware but not overcommitting. VR is an example; I tell my clients to be aware but the time is not right to go there yet.

How do you maintain perspective when you’ve done the same thing for so long?

Having lived in Dumbo for 17 years, I don’t think about it as one job. We have a slide we show on our agency credentials presentation plotting us in internet history. It’s essentially a timeline of logos. I love being able to say we are only a year younger than Wi-Fi being standardized, and only a year older than iTunes, the iPod, and Wikipedia. So it’s not one company when you predate so many things and have seen them all happen. We saw the iPod emerge and thought that would change everything. Then we saw the iPhone emerge and that did change everything. It’s a pretty soft transition, as you can’t watch yourself grow. It doesn’t feel the same: It feels like we are one set of values and ethos but we’ve been a dozen companies over that time.

You are one of the last original digital companies that has not been purchased. Why maintain independence?

I have been portrayed in the press as rabidly independent, and that’s not really true. I do get overtures almost weekly, but the problem historically was that I would have these conversations and think that they just didn’t get me and would try to assimilate our agency into their culture. If someone came to me and said they really got us and would want to structure us in a way that doesn’t change us but made us better, I’d be open to that. So I’m just incredibly picky. When I see something that’s amazing, that will be the next chapter. I love this place, and I have an obligation to all these people, as they came in for something really specific. You don’t do something that is going to change it negatively lightly. I consider myself personally responsible for the culture of the place. I need to make sure we are doing everything we can to tend the cultural garden.

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