Guilt and Regret (LS2 x OP81)
synopsis: doubts, doubts and more doubts.
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pairing: Logan Sargeant x Oscar Piastri (Loscar)
w/c: 1364
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a/n: it was supposed to be short, but not anymore I guess. i missed a day but man, it's alright. enjoy!!!
>>masterlist<<
day 10/11 of Loscar posts until we get a loscar podium!!!
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Logan Sargeant opens up about his racing life
"I think it's tough. You don't really know what to expect, you lose a lot trying to gain everything."
The article never once mentioned Oscar's name but he knew Logan was referring to him for most of it. How much Logan wanted Oscar again, and how much Oscar didn't give a shit.
"It's a high risk sport, I would say. There's very little room for error but the smallest mistake could cost everything."
"Sometimes you get on the bad side of people you love."
“I mean, losing friends, it’s part of it all”
Oscar almost coughed up his water after reading that. He definitely knew who Logan was referring to.
Oscar wanted to slam his head against a wall. Logan was speaking up about his racing life but all Oscar could think about was Logan's subtle hints toward Logan.
He felt horrible. He felt disgusting. He felt like a failure of a friend.
From someone who promised Logan he'd be there whenever Logan needed, this was pretty shitty of him.
Oscar had let Logan down. Oscar disappointed him. For once it wasn't the other way round, and it took everything Oscar had out of him.
He felt his guilt wash up into his lungs, clogging it up, forcing him to gasp for air constantly. It was drowning him.
He felt the regret engulf his heart, wrapping around it with a tight hug that could kill. It was suffocating.
He turned off his phone, taking a very deep breath. The 5 minute read felt like an eternity of smacks in the face about how much he overlooked his best friend's pain.
Oscar always regarded himself as someone who noticed a lot. He always felt as if he would notice the small details in his friends and remember them forever.
Guess not.
He placed his phone on the bedside table and laid down on his bed, looking up at the hotel room ceiling. Despite being a boring, bland plain white colour, it stood out.
Memories of Oscar and Logan played on the ceiling, like a film, running through the different scenes.
Happiness.
Laughs.
Smiles.
Then it all fell apart. And guess who was to blame...
Oscar shut his eyes tightly, reminiscing for a bit, everything was just so overwhelming. How did a 5 minute article cause him to cry about something he thought he'd gotten over a few months ago.
He'd swore he'd stopped crying about Logan and his relationship months ago. It was supposed to never affect him again, and here he was crying about it once again.
Oscar never regarded himself as sensitive, in fact he was probably the dead opposite, but something about missing Logan always struck something in him.
Everything had to change. Oscar was sure of it, he wasn't sure if Logan even cared anymore, after all the snippets of interviews and quotes he'd read online. Maybe Logan was done trying to repair everything himself, maybe he'd moved on.
Oscar coughed again, choking on the imminent tears, he was a failure of a friend. He wanted Logan as a friend again. He knew that.
"It wasn't up to expectation but I'll keep going!"
Logan's interview played on the big screens. Oscar swore he'd heard this statement a few million times, and every single time Oscar had failed to even ask Logan how he was holding up.
Horrible.
Oscar sprinted over to where the interview was taking place. The sound of Logan's interview still playing in the background.
"I mean, I'll always love doing this no matter what."
Oscar tried his best to tune out the interview but to no avail. It was louder than ever.
"People come and go. I guess that's how it works but I'll try my best always."
There was no way he wasn't referring to Oscar.
He dashed past the personnel and maneuvered his way through the barricades.
"And I mean, things happen..." Logan continued.
Oscar halted to a shrieking stop right next to Logan's interview, causing Logan's voice to falter to silence as he watched Oscar run over.
"Hey Oscar." The interviewer commented.
Oscar tried to catch his breath before saying anything.
Logan just stood there awkwardly, holding the mic as the camera panned over to Oscar.
Oscar shook his head, "No... no sorry for interrupting... keep going." Oscar said in between heavy pants.
"Alright." The interviewer said.
The interview wrapped up pretty quickly after that and the cameras cut.
"Oscar, what happened." Logan asked.
Oscar didn't know if his mind was playing tricks on him but Logan's tone had a piercing lack of sympathy, as if this was just a pointless question that was expecting a dry answer like "I'm okay".
"I'm..." Oscar hesitated. I'm okay. Say it. I'm fine. I am. Nothing's new.
Logan raised an eyebrow, adjusting his shirt as he did so.
"I wanted to talk to you." Oscar forced out, hoping he didn't choke up any words.
"Clearly." Logan joked. Oscar tried to get a laugh but nothing came out.
"Oh. It's a serious kind." Logan cleared his throat, "Shall we go somewhere more private."
When was Logan ever this formal? If this wasn't a hit in the face that Logan didn't care about Oscar anymore, he didn't know what was.
Oscar nodded, before following wherever Logan was bringing him.
They were in a secluded room, away from the press, away from their teams, away from everyone.
“Go on.” Logan said.
“I… uhm… so…” Oscar stuttered, contemplating his choice of words constantly.
Logan smiled and nodded, signalling for Oscar to continue.
“I saw your article, slash, interview.” Oscar tried to sound less awkward, “And uhm… I… wanted to talk about it.”
Logan nodded, rather excitedly, “You read it? Did I sound too attention seeking? Did I sound ungrateful?”
“No. No… none of that. It was more about me, actually.”
Logan furrowed his eyebrows, the gears clearly shifting in his head.
“Uhm… were you talking about me?” Oscar said. The words vomited out his mouth, coming out quick and swiftly.
“As in?” Logan asked.
“When you said something about losing friends, getting on their bad side. I don’t know, vaguely something like that.” Oscar’s voice came out unnatural, as if he was muffling a few cries.
“Oh…” Logan’s head lowered, his feet shuffled a little, “Maybe…? A little?”
“What does that mean?” Oscar practically started begging, “Please. I need to know. I’m sorry if I’ve ever been such a horrible friend but please. I need to know if you hate me or something.”
Logan was about to say something when Oscar interrupted.
“Maybe you don’t want to talk to me ever again but I promise you, just say how you feel about me and I’ll never be in your business again. Please. PLEASE.” Oscar blabbered, “Oh shit, I interrupted you. Sorry. Fuck. Sorry.”
A small, tiny smile crept onto Logan’s face. A small chuckle escaping.
Oscar was confused, obviously. He tilted his head to the side.
“Osc. I thought I was the one messing up here. I thought I wasn’t doing good enough for you. I really thought I was the issue here.” Logan said.
“Really. Well because- wait. No. You thought you weren’t doing good enough?” Oscar said, “you thought YOU weren’t doing good enough for me?”
Logan sheepishly nodded.
“Logan, you'll always be enough for me. Always.” Oscar remarked, rather sassily.
“Okay well, you’ve never been a horrible friend. I thought I was just… never living up to being your friend. You’ve been nothing but the best.” Logan admitted, smiling a little wider.
Oscar dragged an ‘ugh’ for a few seconds.
“This was so stupid.” Oscar said, “God… you’re amazing Logan.”
“You are too. The best, probably.” Logan said as he pulled Oscar in for a hug, which Oscar reciprocated.
Both of them stayed like that for a while. It’s been a while since Oscar had felt anything as good as this. The warmth filled his entire body.
It unclogged his lungs from all the guilt as Logan’s words resounded through his head.
It released all the regret from his heart, knowing Logan was never going to give up on Oscar, ever.
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