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stagefoureddiediaz · 3 years ago

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I feel like I might need to stay off tumblr all week because I can already picture the freak outs lol. "Ryan is leaving the show so thats why they are having him make up with his dad so he can move to Texas ". "There wasn't enough canon Eddie queerness". Ext ext.

I think this episode was the perfect example of why its fun to speculate but manage what will actually happen. Sure I would have loved Chris with Buck, and maybe more angst with him in Texas. But logically I was like its probably more about parenting and not queer Eddie because that wasnt his issue with his parents. In fact I was the original anon who posted that to you.

But the thing was there so many clues and this was an amazing episode. And honestly I kind of figured Chris wouldn't be with Buck because this episode needed to be the Buck and Taylor breaking point you know.

But again to anyone who will send you freak outs, unfortunately its not all fanfiction though we would love it. Your probably not gonna get Eddie say I'm gay in the finale. I would bet on lingering looks and at least a ending scene of Buddie together in whatever form. If we are lucky Buck crashing on his couch. And if I'm wrong I will be happy to be wrong. But shipping is always 95% faith and I still have a ton of faith because what else is happening other then 6A being devoted to the romcom of Eddie.

On a side note... I couldn't get into the original Eddie and his dad scene because I was like Helena tie your hair back your cooking for 50. Sorry not sorry!!

Hey Nonnie

Thankfully I have avoided all of the 'Ryan is leaving the show so Eddie is going to move back to Texas' nonsense that I am sure is happening elsewhere so lets keep it that way and not entertain the crazy theories some parts of fandom seem to come up with!!! And I also don't seem to have had many freak outs (fingers crossed that it stays that way!)

it really is a good example of why speculation is just that - speculation and if you forget that you are only setting yourself up for heartbreak!! I've had a great time exploring the various possibilites around Chris being in LA or in Texas (in the end it didn't really matter because we never actually saw him!!) and looking at the queer v parenting of it all. I never expect 95% of what I ramble about to actually come true it's some fun and I know that so I'm rarely left disappointed by what the show actually puts out (the one exception is the fact Taylor is still hanging around like a bad smell but there we go!!)

I personally feel we did get a huge amount of Queer Eddie undertones, and like i've said in many of my ask replies, I never expected Eddie to come out dressed in a rainbow and proclaiming his queerness from the rooftops. We got more or less what I expected, it was maybe a little more subtle than I would have liked, but I'm not mad about it because the parenting aspect is important to Eddies Queer storyline. I said I expected that Eddie and his father would find some common ground from which to go forward - which is what we got, and I expected us to get some insight into young Eddie - which again we got - I would have like more - to have seen it built on and explored further in the episode, but I get why we didn't and actually think it sets up 6a perfectly.

The 911 writers are always careful with the language they choose to write into the script and what we got from that script, from the set, props, costumes etc has plenty to explore in terms of signposting where Eddie is headed. To me us hearing how Eddie was pushed into 'manhood' at such an early age shows exactly why he would have buried any queer feelings and thoughts he was having - the assumption that he would perform the role of man of the house in his fathers absence, not have a present father figure and being given so much responsibility are all clear indicators that Eddie was pushed into a certain box and not given the freedom to explore who he actually was/is. We are now seeing that he is going to be able to have the freedom to explore what he didn't get to as a child and part of that will continue to revolve around his parents.

It sets up 6a having a visit from Helena and Ramon - as Eddie continues to have his queer awakening and if we do maybe we'll get to see Buck parenting Christopher thrown into the mix and witness the reactions of Eddies parents to it all - it would be a great and interesting thing to look at. I would love for them to see Buck coparenting Chris and see how he is thriving and ho Eddie is also thriving and figure it out and be happy - is that something we'll get - who knows but its entirely possible and we'll only find out when 6a airs!

As for Helenas hair - I get where you are coming from, but totally get why they styled it that way - it was about her being in control, but also a way of hiding her from the conversation - so she was there, but also not there- her hair was a curtain - a bit like a church confessional!!

#kym answers things #nonnie asks #911 on fox #911 spoilers #911onfox #911 fox #911 #eddie diaz #eddie #911 speculation

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shoezuki · 4 years ago

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Tommy's prison/revival arc isnt well written actually

Anyways ive been wanting to talk on it a while for a bit here but havent had the Time or like. The thought to. But im gonna go off now.

First off im gonna say im ASSUMING this stream and plot of tommy being in the prison with dream is written entirely by tommy and dream. Wilbur May be involved in the latest stream but im not sure.

Bringing tommy back to life after only three days of him being dead did practically nothing to progress plot, the characters, or audience's understanding. In fact i feel that it damaged Other characters' potential and plot and already established plotlines.

The 'development' aspect

A really, really easy way to see if anything has changed or developed through an arc or plotline is to straightup just compare the 'beginning' to the 'end' in terms of the barebones situation. So;

Beginning: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream, his own abuser who has hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. He's terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

End: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream after being killed then revived by him, his own abuser whos hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. Hes terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

Okay. This is simplified obvious. But the point stands. ALTHOUGH the troupe of 'going back to the beginning' is common in the heroes journey its. It doesnt work here. Has tommy learned anything? Has he changed as a character? Is the severity of their situation any different? Have we, as the audience, learned anything new?

Im going to expand on that last point because i think it has the strongest potential argument. Technically for progression in literature and development of plot/characters, things can Change without them being Aware as characters. It can change just by the audience's perception changing or being challenge.

Slight example: i've been reading a webcomic called Your Throne. Its a fantasy/political drama about a noble lady who entered a competition with another noble lady to become the empress. The main lady lost despite her being a better fit, and the comic starts with the main lady trying to assassinate the empress. Its assumed and stated by the main lady that she 'ruined her life' and so thats all the readers know. However, later in the novel we see flashbacks to the competition itself and find that the two ladies were extremely close friends, neither wanting anything bad for the other, but it was the emperor himself who manipulated both of them for his own agenda. Those flashbacks gave us an entirely different idea of who the real antagonist is and completely changed the two main ladies' relationship. THAT is how the audience's understanding of the plot and novel can be used to change the entire story. We dont get such here though

Some things that were brought to light during tommy being dead/revived:

Dream is capable of reviving people infinitely

This was already implicated and assumed. The book dream has being a means of reviving people has been around Technically since schlatt's death. This just 'confirmed' what was known

Time works differently/feels longer in the afterlife

This doesnt really impact much beyond emotions and implications. If we had more insight into what the 'afterlife' is like beyond nothingness perhaps so. But really it just makes it so wilbur being dead for what feels like 9 years and tommy having been dead for 2 months appeal to emotions.

Wilbur is evil

This one fuckin sucks i cant lie HSKSHSISSGEGDV. Like i was gon go on bout it and i will but it jus sucks. We have nothing to go on besides tommy's word, no examlles of what Horrible things wilbur said could make tommy assume this, etcetc. Ill most likely make a seperate post on how this feels like we're just going to get 'wilbur is a horrible villain' type with him. But still. I feel wilbur Not Being Good isnt a new development.

Dream is going to revive wilbur

This doesnt feel new either, part because phil had wanted to revive wilbur before (ill get to that more later) and that tommy had kept dream alive/initially imprisoned him with the idea of him reviving wilbur.

Dream believes wilbur will break him out of prison

Okau this makes no sense to me actually. I cwnt understand How exactly wilbur would be able to do this? Or why dream believes he even Could? Mans been dead for like 9 years and all we Know of the afterlife is that its black... nothingness. How would 9 years of that make wilbur capable of busting the prison open?

So. Yeah. All in all this plotline hasnt done anything new, developed things, or altered people's perceptions. We just ended up back at square one. Back to tommy being traumatized, dream being 'evil' and horrible and doing villain monologues, and them being stuck together.

Other characters and plotlines

Im pretty damn sure tommy's revival fucked up a LOT of other characters' plotlines and potential development. Honestly i feel this has a lot to do with the writers not communicating with other ccs well enough. But Ill talk about specific characters from least to most fucked over in my opinion:

Sam

He's the best off. He hqd been there during tommy's death, had been close to tommy, had majorly blamed himself and his own mistakes for tommy's death. His grief and self hatred was actually really heartbreaking and well done. The attached character of Sam Nook being unaware of tommy's death and simply waiting for tommy to return was a really good parallel to sam's own grief and anger. like it really snapped sam the guy who cares for tommy and wants to do Right by him back together with him as the Warden of the prison. Mixed personal life with 'just business'.

I feel it wouldve been nice to have him like. Have more time to grieve properly and come to terms eith tommy's death and his own involvement/influence over the events. Him finding tommy alive again Could be a means of him like. Facing his own grief head on if done well.

Ranboo

Mostly in the context of him and sam's argument do i feel it got screwed over. The weight of them yelling at each other and trying to find who to blame and the implications that Maybe ranboo was the one who caused the security breach that closed down the prison on tommy just.... doesnt hit so hard anymore. Because how can there be blame and arguments and a 'who done it' mystery when tommy popped up all fine again?

Puffy

I dony know much of her involvement or how she found out tommy died (besides metagaming shhhhh) but i saw her monologuing of how they 'failed' tommy and like. Her whole 'he was so young we the Adults failed him' spiel is like........... inconsequential? Now??? Like no dont worry he died but hes alright now.

Philza

BET YOU DIDNY EXPECT TO SEE THIS FUCKER!!!!!! But actually though i want to talk bout how this ties into phil. A LOT. for Zalbr ❤. But also because i see ppl tying phil to tommy's death n like nah shutup u doin it wrong. Ill go off more in a Wilbur Post. But essentially: i dont like that dream is now going to revive wilbur. I feel they arent going to tie philza into this Despite phil having originally been trying to revive his son and studying on it and Attempting and Failing. But now suddenly dream can just. Say some magic words and Poof wilbur lives? So we're just going to Kill philza's revival attempts plotline and leave that hanging? This made his efforts seem pointless and Wack like oh why didnt you just Say The Magic Words phil????

Niki

I feel really bad for niki. She hasnt been able to do a lore stream during tommy's 'death' (she tweeted she wanted to but her computer wasnt working) and considering her entire character.... that shit is important. We seen it with Jack Manifold how tommy's death impacted Him considering he literally wanted tommy dead. And since niki is in a similar boat to jack of trying to kill tommy and it being her Only goal...... thats extremely important.

BUT. i feel there wasnt any communication. Did she or anyone even know tommy would be revived? Did no one consider they could At Least let her do a single stream on it? Like jack manifold????

We couldve gotten a Really good niki lore stream. I genuinely was so excited for it and i dont regularly watch her. But we seen it with jack manifold which is why i dont feel he got screwed because mans genuinely did So Good he could pop off with anything n i think it works in His favour. But now........ for niki. Canonically she never even knew tommy was Dead. So its like nothing even happened for her. Is she just supposed to continue on trying to kill tommy with no progression?

What i think would work

This is more me being like 'hey @ the dsmp writers let me in' type speculation sbosegussgs. But i was thinkin on a Really easy way to 'fix' this without rewriting lore and the streams.

Dream should kill tommy again now that he's been revived and Leave Him Dead.

More development for the characters who are affected by his death Especially niki. More time for grief and self reflection and development

A chance for the audience to figure out what the 'afterlife' really is.

Dream is supposed to be smart and a master manipulator or something right? Why doesnt he use being able to revive tommy as a bargaining chip with sam for his own freedom?

The audience would now Know dream's intentions with tommy better, that this death isnt 'final', but we could still see other characters' grief and reactions and coping without it feeling cheap. Ive seen some 'but people dont know tommy is alive so hes still dead in their mind' but that sucks imo.

We'd know more on dream's ability to revive people and that he can just Do It on a whim (which i think sucks but hey im trying) but no one else would know this canonically

Okay. Im done. If you read this. Thankyou. I love you. Hmu.

#mcyt #dream smp #dream smp critical #tommyinnit #dream #im puttin this in main tags took me too fuckin long to write for me Not to #death mention #ask to tag

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runephoenix6769 · 4 years ago

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ATLAB / LOK and Nickelodeon’s Enforced Gendered Viewership.

https://thesummoningdark.tumblr.com/post/619001411756310528/gayna-scully-prokopetz-silkktheshocka With regards to this long ass post. (And I’m gonna slightly deviate from the original topic.) The really messed up thing with Nick, with concern to Korra. I read somewhere that when they were first doing concept designs for LOK, that the Nick execs railed against a female avatar cause they thought/(wanted to market) Avatar Last Airbender as strictly a Boys show. When faced with the designs of a really buff, muscular Korra, Nick wasnt overly keen, because they thought her supposed lack of femininity would put boys off

They wanted her to be more feminine (even though Korra was meant to be a more physical Avatar in comparison to Aang.) And Mako would be more front and centre in aiding Korra. Guess what they found when they market tested the designs? Girls were absolutely thrilled. And the boys? The boys couldn’t give two shits about Korra’s supposed lack of femininity. They loved the fact she could punch through shit. They thought Korra’s design was ‘cool’ and ‘badass’!

(my opinion) So whilst the Nick execs were all patting themselves on the back that their fucked up view and enforced gendering of viewer ship still carried some weight, they obviously didnt think to actually look/take on board the actual content of ATLAB and maybe wonder why exactly it was so immensely popular and who exactly the fandom base was made up of.

ATLAB had some of the strongest, most well rounded female characters on tv at the time. There’s a reason why Azula, Katara and Toph are so popular. Why Suki, Ty Lee and Mai are so beloved.

Not a single one of them is a damsel in distress. Hell, more often than not they handed the boys their ass in a fight. Azula and Katara are bending masters in their respective element at 14 and Toph, a blind girl, at 11, in a world that it is heavily implied that most bending Adults have not reached that level of skill. Toph creates her own off shoot of Earth Bending by being the first metal bender. Azula is seen as an outlier by being able to create and bend lightening, never mind her signature and unique blue flame. Katara, under duress, masters the rare ability to blood bend, (being second person to do so that we know of in ATLAB) and has such a command of waterbending she can quite literally suck moisture out of the ground creating a barrier that torrential rain cannot penetrate.

Even in the small snippet we get of Avatar Kyoshi, she is ruthless and takes no prisoners. (and one of the main reasons why people have been clamoring for Kyoshi content spawning the books the ‘Rise of Kyoshi’ and the sequel that is following this year, ‘Shadow of Kyoshi’.)

If the Nick execs had cared to take notice of the themes and arcs of some of the characters they might have seen how part of Sokka’s character arc was growing from an ignorant misogynist to a young adult who learned over time and regularly took a hefty gulp of respect women juice. (A message that the Nick Execs might have benefited from when dealing with LOK.)

Aang, the titular protagonist learns bending from two of his female peers and often defers to their superior skill and knowledge, until he masters them. Were the Nick execs that dense that they genuinely believed that all these amazing female characters, created by Bryke and colab narratives by Ehasz, were there to appeal only to boys? To represent boys? The ratio of male to female main heroes/villains is 3 boys, 6 girls and 2 male adults. (one adult we dont even see until the last season.) The ATLAB fandom was massively made up of girls, and by virtue those girls would more than likely migrate to LOK, specifically because it was a female Avatar hoping for the same depth of character and positive representation, which makes Nick’s whole fucked up enforcing of gendered viewership all the more baffling. Again, had the Nick Execs not watched ATLAB if they thought they could tout it as ‘just’ another action show and its subsequent spin off LOK?

ATLAB at it’s core is about the interpersonal relationships, the struggles one faces when growing up, dealing with dark themes in a way that kids can understand and older viewers can relate. The war is the back drop, the action part of the draw but not main spectacle.

Had they not done their research, saw the trend of who exactly the audience consisted of and thought, ‘hey maybe its a good idea to maybe stop enforcing, dictating gendered viewership?’ and maybe not continue to labour under the belief that ‘girls dont like action’! Legend of Korra and ATLAB are still being discussed to this day and not only because it has the industry standard of redemption arcs by which all redemption arcs since have tried to emulate and hold a candle to. (SPOP I’m looking in your direction, congrats btw.) but also because of its representation, strong female characters and compelling villains. Outside of Korra (/Asami), guess who are the most popular characters? Kuvira and Lin Beifong.

Now getting back to the actual content of the OG post. There aint alot or ATLAB or LOK merch in general outside of comics and plushies. (There was a poor attempt made at merchandsing on the M Night Shabigamoo’s god awful adaptation..... but shhhhhhhh, we aint even gonna get into that.) But of the merchandise that is available one in particular stands out as being in high demand.

I typed into google ‘Azula Funko Pop’ and this is the first image!

(Look at that price, it’s insane!)

Now that might be a case of price gouging because she was a US Gamestop exclusive but it in no way detracts from the fact that FUNKO POP is aware of just how popular Azula is therefore by virtue she is a prime candidate for exclusivity and would have collectors clamoring to buy her.

Even Aang in the Avatar state isn’t an exclusive nor is the new Legend of Korra funkos that were meant to be released this June/July ,( which now might be pushed back Covid19 pending).

Now, who exact was Azula created for? Yes, a foil for Zuko and a way to explore familial dysfunction, a mirror to what Zuko could have been if he hadn't been banished and had the support and guidance of his Uncle Iroh. Her subsequent mental breakdown is heart wrenching and a compelling take on what goes on underneath a villain’s impenetrable armor, that the ravages and victims of war are not just found in the body count.

But for most of the show, Azula is flouncing round the world with her two more than capable and dangerous in their own right, sidekicks, Ty Lee and Mai thrashing the gAang for the most part, kicking ass and taking names whilst also successfully heading a relatively bloodless coup of Ba Sing Se.

How on earth with all that could Nick still be so bull headed as to continue to double down on maintaining it be a show strictly marketed to boys and then get pissed when it when girls flocked to it? And the comments made in the OG post are correct. Nick showed their displeasure by fucking around with LOK’s time slot on more than one occasion, claimed it’s ratings were dropping (no shit sherlock, wonder why?) before moving it to the web. (where ironically, it thrived.) and then they slashed it’s budget forcing Bryke to trim the animation in places, namely the outfits of the characters, so they could put the money towards the animation of scenes they had been building up to such as Korra’s style of metal bending, which would be more fluid given her OG element was water.

Now imagine the show we might have gotten if Nick hadn’t been a bunch of arseholes, hadn’t tried to enforce their outdated misogynistic views and thrown a massive hissyfit?

Roll on the live action re-imagining with Bryke at the helm. I’m sure Netflix wont be trying to claim or market it as ‘a show strictly for boys’! And thankyou to Bryke, for this.

#atlab #lok #avatar the last airbender #legend of korra #gendered viewership #korra #azula #aang #toph #katara #zuko #sokka #bryke #bryan konietzko #aaron ehasz #michael dante dimartino

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lovelymaybankk · 4 years ago

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everybody talks - jj maybank

song one shot based on the song ‘everybody talks’ by neon trees!

tw - underage drinking, like 1 swear, bad writing

w/c - 1,971

a/n - sorry for not posting recently i haven’t been in the best head space! <3

hey baby, wont you look my way

i can be your new addiction

the first time jj maybank saw y/n, it was on the beach after a long day of surfing. he was with his friends, talking mindlessly about the waves that day or if they were hungry or not. he saw her first, almost dropping the surfboard he held so tight to his side. his friends noticed immediately, watching the boys demeanor change. they joked around with each other, saying he was ‘pussy whipped’ and he hadn’t even met her. jj rolled his eyes, “fine, i’m not pussy whipped. i’ll go meet her to prove it.” though that didn’t prove anything, the group didn’t stop him as he dropped the surf board and walked over.

hey baby what you gotta say?

all your giving me is fiction

“hey, baby.” jj flirted with the girl, who finally looked at him. she rose an eyebrow, looking him up and down. he was in a pair of swim trunks, hair smoothed onto his forehead from the salt water. y/n met the boys eyes again, arms crossing over her top which was poorly covered by a bathing suit.

“what?” y/n leaned back, putting her weight on her back leg. while the boy in front of her was good looking, she had no interest. she took in the way he stood, shoulders back as he seemed to be confident in the way she would flirt back.

“wanna come meet my friends? or my.. friend?” jj motioned to his crotch, making y/n’s face flush as she let out a laugh. she nodded, grabbing her towel before scurrying away from where her family’s items were laid out.

i’m a sorry sucker

and this happens all the time

y/n and jj walked to the group, talking about themselves. it wasn’t a long walk, but once they got there the conversation was cut short. jj introduced the new girl, getting a few smirks from pope and john b. there was a not-so-sly cough from john b, muttering the words pussy whipped and getting a chuckle from pope. jj introduced y/n to everybody, giving brief descriptions of them.

“so, y/n.” kie shook her hand, offering a warm smile. “are you new? to outer banks? or.. are you here for the summer?” she questioned, hand sloshing the red solo cup. jj slung his arm around y/n making her shrug it off quickly.

“i’m new. i live on martin street,” y/n smiled back, not looking at jj as she denied him. “i’ve heard people call it the cut? but i don’t know,” she shrugged, innocently looking at jj. she can tell by the look on his face he wasnt used to being shut down like that.

pope and john b conversed to themselves, watching the sight before them. coughing again, john b muttered the word sucker under his breath.

i found out that everybody talks

everybody talks, everybody talks

“right, yeah thats the cut.” pope interjected, stepping closer to them. “i live right by that street.” he hummed, looking at jj who was giving him a hard stare. putting his arms up innocently, pope left the conversation after he spoke.

“so out here in.. outer banks. we’re split into two.. groups.” jj nodded to himself as he spoke, “the pogues,” he gestured the group of them, “and the kooks.” that word made everybody shiver, making y/n more than confused.

“the pogues are people who have to work for everything. and kooks... have people work for them.” kie taught, eyes shutting as she shook her head. “anyway, if you live on the cut.. you’re as pogue as it comes. kooks live down in figure 8.”

y/n nodded, very interested in the fact that they’re split into two groups. “so i’m guessing kooks just swim in their pools all day, count their money..” she joked quietly, getting chuckles and giggles from kie and jj (i’ll leave it to your imagination who does what). “what do you guys do?”

jj shrugged, opening his arms and showing off the beach. “this. we surf, swim, uhh work, go on john b’s boat,” he winked at john b, who blew a kiss back. “and we throw hard ass parties.” this got whoops from the rest of the group. “speaking of that...” jj trailed off, looking at the girl with puppy-dog eyes.

“you want me to go to one?” y/n’s arms crossed, a grin on her face. jj nodded, making y/n sigh. “when?”

it started with a whisper

and that was when i kissed her

that night, y/n slid on her sneakers and looked at herself. she wore tight jean shorts and a black sweater. her hair was in a low ponytail, barely being held back. she slipped out of her window, leaving it cracked. she was supposed to be getting picked up by the ‘pogues’ to accompany them at her first boneyard party.

as the rickety van rolled up, y/n smiled to herself. jj opened the door for her, leaving room for her to slide in beside him. the drive to the boneyard from her house was short-lived, the group stepping out as fast as they had gotten in. y/n and kie walked together in front of everybody else, talking to themselves and laughing a lot. jj and john b carried the beer and pope held the cups, hopping over driftwood as they walked.

the party started immediately, music blasting as many people arrived. y/n hung around kie and jj for the most part, not knowing anybody else as well and not wanting to meet the ‘tourons’. y/n and kie were sitting beside the roaring fire, both holding red solo cups. the beer inside sloshed around the rim as they barely took sips, enjoying their energy with eachother.

jj watched from a distance, lips puckered together as he stood off to the side. pope pulled him out of his trance, tugging at his arm to show him a touron who had just pulled up to the beach. she looked a lot like y/n, except her shorts were even shorter and she wore a tight crop top. jj grinned, sauntering towards her and starting his flirting.

y/n looked away from kie, towards the boy she had originally met. “does he always do that?” she asked quietly, almost in a whisper. kie nodded, sighing heavily.

“yes. but its fine.. no pogue on pogue macking anyway,” y/n was introduced to this rule minutes ago, making her sigh again.

“yeah, right.” y/n muttered, pulling her attention from the blonde and back to kie. their conversation picked up again, y/n not noticing the blonde had left the touron and was headed toward her and kie. a hand brushed against the back on y/n’s neck, making her shiver. the hand never left her neck, headed to her shoulder and giving it a small squeeze. y/n turned, facing the blonde who wore a small grin.

“hey, baby.” jj whisper to her like he did the first time they met, making y/n smile.

“hi.” y/n turned towards him, taking a sip from the somewhat warm beer she held. it burnt her throat, making her face twist in disgust. kie watched them, excusing herself as she pushed through the crowd to leave them alone. “what happened to the girl?” she referenced the tourist, taking another sip of the beer.

jj shrugged, “she didn’t have that much of a personality.”

“ooh,” y/n grinned, “but i do? and anyway, weren’t you just trying to get into her pants?” she teased, legs crossing.

“wow.” jj held a hand on his chest, acting offended. “is that all you take me for?”

y/n shrugged, ignoring the burning in her chest from the beer. “maybe.” the two started laughing, catching their breath moments later. “how long do these parties last?” she questioned, turning her head to look at the fire.

jj watched her, almost missing the question. “eh. until everybody gets off the beach. why? already bored?” he slung his arm around her shoulder, blissfully unaware of the girls face flushing as they got closer. she was also unaware of his heart doing the same.

y/n shook her head, “maybe. parties aren’t really my thing.”

“wanna ditch?” jj stood quickly as she said that, taking her hand and pulling her up. y/n thought for a moment, before nodding. they both broke into the same, mischievous grin. chugging what was left of their beers, jj led them through the crowd and off of the beach. the wind blew through their hair, messing up y/n’s ponytail. but in the moment, they didn’t care. they ran down the road, starting to laugh as the music got quieter and as they could only hear their heavy breaths and crickets chirping.

the air around jj and y/n was still, tension rising as jj noticed he still held her hand tightly in his as they walked. he didn’t pull away, a small grin on his face as they hiked the streets and soon forest of outer banks. they ended up at the light house, legs aching in pain. all of their body parts felt heavy, dropping on the grass beside eachother.

“shit,” y/n gasped, falling onto her back.

jj smiled, facing her. “what? never done like a 3 mile hike with your favorite person before?”

y/n rose an eyebrow, staring at him with a content look on her face. “favorite person?” she questioned, smiling. jj nodded, shrugging.

“i’m cool like that.”

y/n broke into giggles, one leg crossed under her as the other was propped upright. they were both tipsy from the alcohol (i’m sorry but i just imagine y/n as a lightweight), staying quiet as they took in their surroundings.

“y/n?” jj’s tone was soft, turned away from the girl as he looked at the stars. y/n hummed, eyes closed as she let jj know she heard him. “can i tell you the reason i approached you today? i’m gonna tell you anyway.” y/n chuckled, crossing her arms over her stomach.

“i was kinda staring at you,” jj sighed, shutting his eyes. “i thought you were gorgeous from far away. and well, i wasn’t wrong. you’re also really nice and fit into our group amazing.” he gushed, leaning on his hands behind him.

“i think you’re gorgeous too. or handsome.” y/n mumbled, words slurring a little as the end.

“yeah?” jj opened his eyes, shifting so he was facing her. the action made y/n eyes open, sitting up.

“yeah.” y/n shrugged, smiling innocently at him.

“if you think that...” jj looked away, staring at the grass before looking back.

and then she made my lips hurt

i could hear the chit chat

“can i kiss you?” jj spoke in a breathy tone, moving closer. he pulled y/n a bit closer, keeping a gentle hold on her. y/n waited a moment before nodding. jj smiled, pressing their lips together. her arms wrapped around the back of his neck, pressing them closer to each other. when they pulled away, their lips were bruised and a little puffed up from the force.

a light shone on the two, making y/n groan and cover her eyes. car headlights were directly on them, making them stand quickly and dust themselves off. the door opened, and standing out of the car was john b. “jesus, fuck. you’ve been here a day y/n are you’re already kissing jj?” their was a large group of groans, making jj and y/n laugh. they made their way towards the car, hand in hand as they slipped in with each other.

#jj maybank #jj #maybank #jj maybank x reader #kiara #pope #kiara x pope #john b #john b x sarah #sarah cameron #pogue #everybody talks

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jjjjjjjjeffrey · 4 years ago

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Pspspsps gimme that badlands lore

Anon I love you sm thank you. I am a little tired rn (Edit: I fell asleep while writing this) so this might get ramble-y but. Bullet point time

The Egg!!

Ik my original post was about missing pre-Eggification Badlands but like. The Egg! It gives the Badlands & Co. so many opportunities for future lore on top of the lore of the present. Also its so impactful to Everyone from the Badlands I think its impossible not to acknowledge fbsnfbsj. Imo the Egg arc is a smaller part of a bigger Badlands plot thats still going

Its been said Many times before but the Egg is looping sm people into lore that might otherwise have been left to their own devices? I appreciate the writers for scooping everyone into it sm. And also!! This means that future Badlands lore can include more than just the 3 or 4 original members without it feeling forced or sudden. Theyve set up a web of characters who now have relationships and past experience w each other

C!Bad, Ant, and Sam were all. Relatively isolated before the Egg plot by virtue of Not having had the opportunity to have large impact on the plot before hand. Lemme tell you, SAD-ist putting Bads "who cares" line into that animatic? I Cried. Revolutionary, thank you SAD-ist for acknowledging that new factions(?) can be relevant and also more than a little intimidating

On the note of Bads line!! The Egg can impact the Badlands ideals So Much. Theres been sm conflict caused between the Badlands members by the Egg right? But also in canon the Egg 100% chose the Badlands for a reason. Iirc theyre idea was p much to claim everything to the North(?) of Bad and Skeppys house as theirs (and the opposite direction of Erets castle if they could get her on board). I think they left the other two sides open but theres no way the Egg wasnt like "Oho you already want to take over everything? And youre doing it by using others' weaknesses? Less manipulation for me 👀"

Unless, ofc, the Egg was already influencing them when they were deciding that. Might develop a theory about that later but for now Im gonna continue w my point

Future lore??

I really dont think the Badlands are gonna still have that goal of "Create peace through unity" if they recover from the Egg. I think if I was possessed by a red vine that went "Hey we're gonna take over the world together. Or else 🙂" I maybe wouldnt want to take over the world anymore? Like the Badlands' motivations were Understandable and somewhat justifiable but so far the Eggs had no motivations more than "Be red do crimes" iirc

Speaking of justifiable motivations!! I really want the characters involved in the Egg arc to be able to heal w each other after its done. I want them to learn more about each other and to understand Why they each did what they did. I just think a recovery arc would be nice and also they are friends your honor (P.S. Ant give us lore please for the love of god /lh)

Guys please I just want one (1) recovery arc that doesnt immediately go horrifically wrong

I have more thoughts but like I said I fell asleep writing these last night. Now it is morning and I am no thoughts head empty

#gotta use bullet points or else this would be Unreadable ghskdhs #i think i had more thoughts last night but i fell asleep trying to word them and now i cant remember them at all whoops #dream smp: badlands #long post #queries?#anon #i think this is made messier by the fact that 80% of the time i save an ask to drafts it disappears completely so i cant do that

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knifekris · 5 years ago

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PLEAS tell us about your au....... and i hope you'll feel better soon!! stay careful and dont get sick please 😔

im already sick anon im sorry 😔 HOWEVER…

[ QUICK DISCLAIMER this tyzias uses they/he pronouns which is slightly different from the standard they/them i use but its butch lesbian indulgence hours and im God. anyways. ]

[ALSO UNDER THE CUT BC THIS IS LONG]

lemme tell you about zizi “tyzias” strider

alright so the premise for this au is basically “dave still had bro as a guardian but tyzias’ baby meteor crashed on top of dirks and smushed him” so alpha dave goes “well fuck i guess i have a troll baby now”

when i was talking to my roommate about this they put the mental image in my head of like, alpha dave with one of those baby carriers with grub tyzias just on his chest while he was fighting the clowns on the white house and while that may not be canon its Really Fucking Funny to me and i hope i get around to drawing it

um um anyways dave wasnt about to assign an alien baby a gender so he kind of left some of his shit for them and some shit hed think rose would leave for a girl or w/e but for the most part just stuff he Thought Would Be Cool– basically what dirk got originally but w some more variety and probably less anime shit because i actually like tyzias . anyways. they still get lil cal bc i feel like thats probably narratively important and for the most part tyzias is just like “yeah thats my puppet lil cal he’s pretty neat i guess. anyways”. obviously theyre going to treasure anything and everything dave left for them bc theyre sappy like that and literally dont have anything else.

it took a couple years for tyzias to realize how different they are from their human friends and they have this really deep insecurity stemming from when they realized theyre not a human like their ‘dad’/’bro’ but a troll like the condesce and they dont know SHIT or FUCK about troll culture or physiology except for whats out there for them to find which isnt a lot. so they get this weird irrational fear that if theyre not careful theyre gonna end up violent and bloodthirsty like )(IC who is a person who hurt not only dave but also rose and is actively making theirs n roxys lives hell and its a lot of “im so different from everyone i know and its in an arguably bad way”. especially wrt molting and blood color n stuff they dont have any explanations for anything except “im different from my friends and its weird and i dont want them to know because then they might think im weird or even BAD for being a troll”

they work REALLY hard on not letting this insecurity get in the way of who they want to be for their friends– which is to say they want to be someone dependable and a person to lean on and to look to for support. **!!blood player hours alert!!** tyzias feels responsible for the people around them (jane roxy jake) and wants to do what they can to ensure that they all stay safe and happy because other than a long-dead alpha dave these are the people that they have and thats really important to them.

i know theres no class or aspect doubling within the kids but i reaaaalllyyy wanna make them a seer of blood but might settle for mage. seer would help out wrt the game over bullshit because you have to think about where dirk was during the fight and why he wasnt IN it and why he didnt go with john and roxy to the new timeline and stuff. these are all things that make me wanna reread homestuck so i can get a cohesive thing going on. anyways.

dirks version of masculinity affected a LOT of stuff in homestuck and so did lil hal and with both of those things gone u gotta think about like. for example jake and how hes all gung-ho about being a Dude and Manly and the way he goes about exploring his gender kind of cluelessly. and i dont want to make tyzias more ‘woke’ than they necessarily WOULD be in their scenario but i like to think theyd get a decent grasp on what it meant to be a butch lesbian– or at least enough to find comfort and joy and happiness in it while learning more about it and themselves as they grow. the internet exists on earth b. im allowed.

anyways jake and tyzias are best friends and its the most wonderful dynamic thats come out of this thing (there are a lot of good dynamics. i have a lot of very specific self indulgent things going on in this au.)

[ tyzias noogying jake and saying “hey you fuckin’ nerd” while he yells “JEEPERS, ZIZI” ]

tyzias and jake get to talk about things like masculinity and what even is a gender in a post-apocalyptic wasteland/on a deserted island and i think esp with tyzias’ aversion to showing what they look like or sending pics jake would go about assuming that tyzias is his Dude Friend until one day they have a conversation where tyzias goes “no bro im a lesbian” and jake has this moment of like. “… :D well thats neat buddy”

anyways tyzias encourages jake to go out and explore the island in SAFE and HEALTHY ways and they voice call while hes out and about so they can sort-of hang out as best as you can across spacetime and its fun. they like talking about stories (usually movies and shows) together bc its their common interest.

zizi is really into storytelling and writing which is kind of a mirror of dirk/dave being really into drawing while holding onto zizi’s interest in literature and history n stuff.

as for roxy i think itd be really neat if tyzias’ “what is gender in a post-apocalyptic wasteland” thing inspired them to think about themselves and what their gender is vs. janes and maybe (or definitely) they come out as nonbinary and jane gets to be confused by zizi and roxys “weird pronoun preferences”

shit there is SO MUCH to think about with this. fuck. send me more specific questions so i dont just get caught up in my brain with all this. theres so much.

#joanin around #asked and answered #anonymous #replacement au #homestuck #hiveswap

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pwnyta · 6 years ago

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Nobody ASKED for any of my shitty Pokemon character doodles... BUT IM IN A MOOD.

SO yall have to deal with it.

This is under a read more so dont come at me about it being annoyingly long. Blame Dumblr. Theres a SHIT TON OF DOODLES UNDER THE CUT.

First off I wanted to give Holly a whole classroom of friends... it wasnt GONNA be an all girls school... but I kept crankin of little girly Mons....

I dont actually have a shiny Darumaka or Eevee... but theyre two of my favorite shinies...

I drew these four after so theyre a bit different in style. Shiny Swirlex has the same excuse as the other two shinies... I just love the shiny colors

They also needed a teacher so I repurposed one of my older characters because I thought itd be funny to have a swan teacher... cuz swans are so scary but they care for their babies well.

Darla and Delilah can be bothered with threats because theyre safe with Mr Shandra.

Mikhail only takes classes that are small enough to fit under his wingspan so he can keep them all safe. And Eva and Tiffany learn from the best and just get pissed off like their teacher.

((Hes more bark than bite though... hes not a great fighter and a double weakness to Electric? Garbo. But he puts up a convincing enough front.))

And because he was a swan I gave him a life mate. The only other being that gets any softness from him.

He was an ex pirate.

Mikhail has no interest in criminals!!! So the captain gave up the pirate life and married a very short tempered bird and gained a lot of weight...because I wanted him chubby.

---

‘’Spider’’, Esi, and dear ol Dad. Despite Reds best efforts to keep Esi out of Osborns hands he still ended up an immensely shady bastard but at least hes not as broken as ‘’Spider’’.

I didnt finish their moms because I couldnt settle on a design for Spiders mum....

Now Spider works for Caedere his beloved boss who would never ever lie to him ever. (Hint: Spiders nature is ‘naive’)

---

I tried revamping Ray and Hebanon... but Ray still gay as hell for his boy.

I bullied Sparky a little. He’ll probably be fine even if Rays got a Mega evo. Its the name of the game Ray... hes supposed to knock his opponent out... you cant get pissed when ever Hebanon gets fucked up in battle.

---

Did I post these? Am I ever gonna finish these character sheets? No. And look I forgot the most pressing detail of Zippos and thats his fuckin Arbok mark on his back. IM A FOOL.

Kreetan and his mum and dad.

So many little comic things I’ll never finish because theres too many and instead of just stopping and finishing something I keep adding to my unfinished doodles instead. This is why I dont take requests or anything.

I time where Leif and Cyndy actually grow up?

THEY ALL HAVE CAT EARS.

Zippo is curious.

.....AS A CAT.

Polly is here too!! And shes ready to punch someone RIGHT IN THE NOODLE.

I also thought itd be nice to draw out some other Chars of Zippo and Crizs generation.

Theyre.. as you may have guessed are not finished yet.

Clem is a timid lad, Mira... not so much. Very brave

Addy is a modest princess type

Jubilee is a sassy lass.

And Criz. A sweet bashful boy whos never done anything wrong and certainly will not die because no one would be cruel enough to let that happen.

((EYES EMOJI))

Babby Clem, Addy, and Jubilee.

WHO’RE THESE ASSHOLES?!

---

Updated Mistletoe. One spooky righteous(in his own mind) lad.

She only looks stoic to start... but shes quite the weirdo.

She just got here and shes ready to go home. What a mood.

Now for some less polished individuals....

Meh meh meh lookit me IM OMI. Im gonna put three of the exact same Pokemon in the same group so Pwnyta has to suffer tryna come up with different designs.

...But I do like them. I imagine that they remain Ekans because they wont need the mark of their tribe so no one will no where they come from. So spooky.

I was torn between the codename ‘Sundown‘ and ‘Daybreak‘ for Crobat.

By day hes a wholesome trustworthy priest... by night he tortures people for a shady shady bug man. He’ll determine if youre truly innocent.

Doc has to deal with all these fuckin weirdos... he just wants to be a doctor... BUT AT WHAT COST DOC?!

This is a sequel to the doodle comic I was makin in a previous post... Kop and Doc develop an interesting friendship (In Kops mind. Its more a ‘stalker with a crush’ situation) But hey if Kops not being paid then hes got no reason to hurt Doc.

...Docs a fun character to bully because hes so smarmy and small.

---

AND NOW FOR SOME SCIENCE BITCHES.

A man of few words and an intense curiosity with mortal beings and his own existence.

A spooky lad who doesnt quite mean to torment his subordinates... its just his Pressure.

Id imagine his form changes are a bit like Iron Man in IW when hes fighting Thanos.

I drew some more science bitches...

Some casual clothes for the original three stooges.

Shes deaf Franz! She cant hear you.

Ya know IDK if itd be ‘canon‘ that they all met as kids... I just thought itd be cute. Little psychic babies all doofin off together... the most troublesome one being asleep 90% of the time due to being an Abra.... and narcoleptic. Abra sleep so much naturally... Geller sleeps even MORE... thats why hes so incredibly smart even for an Alakazam.

I had a whole little redo sketch comic idea of Mewtwo breakin loose and fuckin shit up.... (its never been finished)

Franz tries to put him to sleep. (it doesnt work. He needs Emanuel and Nola to save him and he gets his arm broken for bein such a cheeky lad.)

Mewtwo doesnt have too much of a problem with Geller due to his soft spot for kids and pure desire for knowledge... but if hes gonna protect the other assholes then PERISH.

Dont worry though big boss Deo wont let his subordinates die let alone the second smartest after him... and saves them all pretty easy. A sharp tentacle arm through the chest will stop even Mewtwo.

Some booboos happen tho...

But hes fine eventually and finds his ex wife home watchin the kids.

Shes promptly expelled.

Geller also goes back for Dilla and steals him. Lifes too short not to adopt an ancient fossil baby.

Emanuel isnt delighted... but he doesnt have the heart to call the authorities on a man who risked his life to save him.

Fossil Mons come in two types-- Resurrected fossils which have the skin color of the primary coloring of their Pokemon form so they can be solid black or blue or red or w/e... Ancestors of ancient Pokemon have normal skin tones.

And another comic sketch idea... where Geller and Roswell are gifted with some fancy new Mega stones... Ros? Not too keen on the idea hes seen what can happen to a bitch when they Mega Evo... he aint got time for that. Geller goes HARD for SCIENCE.

Ros: Geller I know your a spoon guy but stick a fork in that bastard cuz hes done. COOKED. If he thinks im riskin my ass for his bullshit. Lets go tell him off together (im scared to go without you...)

Geller: We experiment on living things all the time for the sake of scientific progress.... are we really too good to be subject to our own studies?

Ros: YES. ABSOLUTELY.

After seeing Geller use his without hesitation, putting his body through a world of hurt for the sake of SCIENCE!!! Ros couldnt pussy out on his boy...

His Mega is just FABULOUS and now he loves it.

I was also makin a team with the Pokemon that have the highest stats (non Legends/Psudos/Megas) but I got bored after Blissey. She has a Togekiss wife I didnt finish either... Oh well.

Shes a bold lass and prefers double battles with her support wife. She doesnt like using dangerous moves as its in her nature as a Blissey to heal.

---

(I forgot his whiskers... OH WELL)

I wanted to give Flaminio some people who missed him after he got spirited away by his Ghosts.

After he disappeared people looked for him but he was never found and years and years went by and people stopped looking. Even Clove and Ceto had to move on.

Koban is a loyal bitch though and he never let it go. He still wants his friend back. Hes an old boy now... so old people probably call him ‘Nekomata‘ and wonder when his tail is gonna split.

#PKMN fanarts #RIP Omi if you get through all of this...#Pwny Gijinka mon fanarts.

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jadecringecomp · 5 years ago

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this will be added to the more updated callout when im done with it, but i feel this should be put out there so people realize just how dangerous jade is.

everyone is aware that me and jade had originally had a fallout because i said some mean things. however looking back on it after showing a curious friend, i can see jade had practically gaslighted me into believing i was in the wrong when in actuality, it was them. i believed this for the whole 5 months jade abused me.

so of course, everyone knows that jade believed i had made a vague about them which resulted in our fallout. this being the vague...

now, jade has tried to claim they did the right thing by waiting a day to come to me to let me calm down. which would have been fine... if they didnt vague me like so...

now i dont really think vaguing is exactly that deep. but the fact that instead of coming to me directly like friends usually do, they choose to vague me and then wait an entire day to actually confront me. again i dont think vaguing is that deep, but the fact that jade instead chose to make a public vague about me (we were still friends at this point) instead of waiting a day to come ask me about the vague is incredibly childish and not something friends do to one another. not only that, they go to the only person they know for a fact im having problems with at the time. and jade has their boyfriend among other friends to talk about this to, so it wasnt as if this friend was the only one they could go to at the time.

and now for the conversation that went down... (please note i was going by rae at this time)

“[jade] hey rae i know you probably dont remember and dont wanna hear this but

[jade] the other day you made a post saying ppl just use you for stuff including emotional support and it just made me feel bad? like i know ive needed a lot of support lately but ive also tried really hard to be there for you too and it just makes me kinda feel like it doesnt matter..

[me] i can get that

[me] at the same time tho the post. wasnt even abt you

[jade] i mean...i know it wasnt ALL but like... its pretty hard not to see how it wouldnt be at all”

“[me] yeah i can see that

[me] still anthony thot that like

[me] i was vageing you or some shit

[me] when i. wasnt

[jade] idk i just dont really want to make it a big deal.. i didnt mean anything

[me] then why did you vague me

[me] sorry im just. confused

[jade] because i thought you did the same??”

as you can see, i had already confronted jade and jade gives a piss poor reason, even blaming me for their actions. not to mention they can say they didnt mean anything all they want but that still doesnt answer the question as to why they vagued me the moment they thought i was vaguing them and went to someone i was having problems with instead of coming to me like a normal human being. so naturally, i get annoyed. you can see more why i say theyre blaming me once i go on further in this convo.

“[me] jade how can you tell me i handle things poorly when you do the same

[jade] what am i handling poorly...

[me] you didnt even talk to me abt it you just automatically thot i was talking abt you. again, which is understandable and i can see how but still

[jade] i mean it didnt seem super approachable so like forgive me for waiting until the next morning???

[me] wait what does that last part mean”

jade proceeding to guilt trip me by being passive aggressive despite them admitting to vaguing me right away and instead waiting to talk to me...

“[jade] i didnt say anything immediately since i knew you were already upset and it wouldnt help anything so i didnt say anything until later

[me] you didnt say shit to me and went to anthony..

[jade] okay next time your freaking out and posting stuff on tumblr do you want me to come to you with more stuff? if thats how you want it then ok ig..

[me] well im just. more frustrated you can tell me im handling smth poorly when you. handled this poorly as well. anthony literally thot i was vagueing you and got mad abt that

[me] and they want me to apologize too but idk. what im even apologizing for still

[me] how am i handling it poorly tho? like rae what was i supposed to do”

the fact jade cant realize they had done something they were accusing me of and is surprised im annoyed about it is absolutely astounding to me. ESPECIALLY since they went to someone they KNEW i was having problems with at the time when they had multiple people to do this with.

“[me] ask me abt it

[me] the same thing you told me to do with anthony

[jade] rae how would that have helped anything when u were clearly already upset abt shit

[me] like i can understand you didnt wanna at that moment but why not just. later on

[jade] i did????

[me] instead of going straight to someone assuming the worst”

whats even more astounding is jade acknowledges i was upset about something but chose to vague me right away. im starting to believe theres a reason why jade never showed the proof of these messages when they have access to them.

“[jade] so like im not allowed to express my feelings to other ppl now??

[me] not what im saying

[jade] like i didnt tell anthony to talk to you or anything and i would have rather they didnt bring me up but like. nothing i can do about it now so like.

[jade] like im sorry but looking at all the stuff youve done recently i rlly dont think you have any standing to tell me im handling stuff poorly

[me] you mean the whole anthony stuff??

[jade] that and then the fact that you made a post saying you have no friends and people just use you..like you block your friends out of nowhere for no reason like you dont have a right to say that”

then jade proceeds to guilt trip me more by saying i wasnt letting them express their feelings to other people. again they have had multiple people to go to this to and the only person they choose is the one they knew themself i was having problems with. i dont think they realize how incredibly telling that is alone.

also please do note that jade had acknowleged i made the post while i was having a rough time and is trying to make it seem like i was in the wrong despite them being the one to vague about me and then go directly to anthony. mind you, this is all just because they thought i was vaguing them when in reality i didnt and i had told them on multiple occasions as can already be seen.

“[me] yeah so uhh

[me] now Im not allowed to express how i feel at that moment

[jade] rae i literally had to like. practically beg you to tell me what was wrong when it was clearly bothering you and then you just turn around and say all that shit

[me] what do you mean

[jade] like you kept acting like you were upset over the anthony thing but you wouldnt tell anyone until i like kept asking abt it because i was concerned? but then i just see you turn around and say how you have no friends and everyone just uses you and its like. oh ok

[me] i told levi abt it and that was all who i wanted to know abt it. i literally only told you because you wanted to know so bad. but i do appreciate how you tried to help with it all like im not invalidating that but.”

jade only proceeds to try and turn the blame on me... completely regarding what they previously did...

“[jade] but what?? i bent over backwards to help despite all my own stress and then you basically said it didnt matter

[me] if youre talking abt the post that was how i felt in the moment

[jade] well you shouldve thought about how it would come off.

[me] dude im sorry to say but that was your bad for seeing it that way

[jade] if youre going to put something on the internet its really kind of your responsibility to think about how it comes off actually

[me] in that kind of state im not. gonna be thinkin abt that

[me] but thats exactly why it got deleted after a bit”

jade basically telling me that they didnt care if i was breaking down (which they obviously acknowledge) and i should instead care if im gonna piss them off or not. yeah that makes a lot of sense. also note jade is still trying to put the blame on me and at this point, has clearly finally acknowledged the vague wasnt even about them in the first place!

“[jade] its still on you though

[me] ok jade

[jade] i mean youre an adult rae. youre 20. its kind of time to start acting like it

[me] ok”

and the fact jade says this, again, DESPITE doing what they did previoiusly and trying to deflect only to guilt trip me, is VERY telling about what kind of person jade is. im sorry but if you took jades word when they told you i was shitty to them, you were manipulated. im even a victim to that because again, they made me believe that for 5 whole months until i showed a friend.

again, being friends with jade is dangerous because once you do something they dont like, something similar to this will happen. similar things to this has happened with multiple of their victims and once they see it will benefit them, they will twist it until they turn blue.

#manipulation #gaslighting #lying

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tragictm · 6 years ago

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The Future of This Blog

I've been rping on tumblr since around 2012, diving into the indie world in 2014 with my beth blog. It was a fun hobby for a long time, but by 2015 it had become more like a chore. Soon enough I made new blogs, moved every month or two and hoped like hell itd have that spark back. There were moments, people, that made my time here truly amazing. I'll talk about them later. For now, I have to look to myself and to the future.

Which brings me here. While I love my muses and I genuinely adore writing them, something on this blog isnt right. Not just this blog, but all of them. I'm burnt out on this site, its multiple issues not helping, and my constant need for external validation is only making this worse. You've all noticed it, begging for poll responses, asking if a character should be added and making the choice based only in how many votes each option gets. Everything on this site is governed by notes, by reactions, by the thought that what I post here is important or interesting to people. That's not why I was here, it's not why I wanted to write, and as long as it's there i dont know that i can continue to be here.

As 2019 draws near I have to make choices to better my life. In 2019 I'm giving up work to study and follow my dream, I'm giving up my home that I've lived in for my whole life to have a shot in a completely different city, a completely different world. And with that, I'm giving up this.

Writing is so important to me, I've grown as a person so much from doing this, I've made friends who mean the world to me, but this has also been so toxic. My deep and constant fear of duplicates - and yes that includes the ones I follow. My desire to be the best version of my muse, preferably the only version of my muse. I crave attention, crave the glory that I've somehow managed to believe comes from the number of people who follow me. It's stupid. Its toxic. It's made me act like a person I dont want to be.

I dont know when I'll come back. Ideally, I want to be more emotionally and mentally sound before coming here. I want to be less busy. I want to be able to have fun rather than cry because I cant decide what to do with a fucking tumblr blog.

I want to mention some people, talk about what they mean to me and how theyve shaped my experience. That's below the cut. But first: means of contact. I dont want to lose friends, but I cant promise tumblr will be a place I go ever again. For now I'll be on my personal @distortedrebel and probably on @greene-rph but come 2019 theres a chance I wont even be on those blogs. So, heres where to find me:

Facebook, snapchat, etc. are available if you message me, I'd message my personal or one of those accounts though because I wont be logged on to here.

@selfsaving - izzy, you alone have given me so much muse and such a strong feeling of being somewhere I belong. You've been amazing to me, from liking starter calls and interacting with a muse no one interacted with to inviting me to discord servers and being excited to write with me. I genuinely can't describe how great you've been to me.

@mrbisected - kate you've been amazing. You've followed me through so many blogs, even when I never knew who Kenny was. Honestly, I kind of dreaded watching Texas chainsaw at first. I really thought I'd hate it, especially for the first half hour or so. After watching I didnt care that much for Kenny, but the way you cared for him and the way you crafted him into a real person really inspired me and made me fall in love. I fell for nikki because she was hot, but with your help she became someone real and I never imagined giving up on her because of how it had felt having a muse I cared about so much.

@withumans - kacie idk if ur on this blog or using this alias but hey, you're amazing. I know we haven't necessarily been the closest, but you've been a really good friend. You've been through a lot and I know you relate to the need for validation here. You're still young, you're going to grow and change over the next few years more than you could ever believe. I love you, I believe in you, I know you'll get through this. I'm sorry I wasnt super invested in some of your muses, you very clearly love rain more than anything and I really struggled to interact with her, not because of who she is but because of how emily kinney was her fc originally. I know its dumb and petty and I hate that it continued into when shed stopped being the main fc. Rain is a brilliant oc, I genuinely love her and her story. Shes developed, she clearly means the world to you. Tumblr, and quite frankly everywhere else, doesnt care about ocs. They dont care about multis. That puts the two of us in a tricky position. Dont give up on rain, dont give up on ocs. Dont give up on things you're passionate about. You have it in you to do incredible things.

@valorfated - ellie weve talked less lately and I want to apologize for that. Weve had issues in the past, the most obvious being the way I acted with the rph in 2017(?). Theres an age gap between us and clearly a maturity gap there too. Looking back on the way I acted and responded and avoided responsibility is clear. I am sorry for that, I know you were going through rough times and it was rude of me to try to make things go my way simply because you werent there to stop me. Its something I've been working on and I'd like to think I've grown as a person since then. I do want to tell you that you're an amazing writer, and I really hope things are going better for you. Writing beth and Maggie was a really great experience, I loved the dynamic because I've never had much of a bond with my own sister. You helped me realize how sisterly bonds should be and because of that I've started to work towards mending my relationship with my sister and its changing my life. Thank you, good luck with everything..

@gavinsaleks - I saved you for last because this might get long. I'm gonna avoid the literal thousand word letter I usually give you on your birthdays because wow I write a lot, but you already know by now that you've changed my life. The ocs we made meant the world to me and really taught me about relationships and perspectives and what's right and wrong in relationships. You, though, you taught me more. You gave me the courage to come out, you gave me the strength to stay alive in times where I felt like that was impossible, you gave me happiness that i never thought possible. I watched you grow up and you watched me mature and everything changed after meeting you. I never wouldve lasted on this site without you, or in real life really. You're an incredible girl and I really hope that I gave you the same happiness you gave me because you deserve it all and so much more.

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midnight-circus · 6 years ago

Text

another bullshit meme

from sidebloggable

answered for logan and lucius bc i dont talk about my big dumb idiot enough

and im actually gonna answer for their original Fable timeline bc ive been feelin nostalgic recently

Their physical weak spots

Logan - depends on his age and/or stress-levels. He has a fair amount of upper body strength from swinging twin swords around all the fucking time, but it wouldn’t be ridiculously hard to overpower him if you could disarm and get hold of him - however, he’s fast, agile and extremely skilled, and it’s getting hold of him in the first place that’s the issue. In the middle of his reign, on the other hand, his body condition takes a dramatic dive - he’s pretty severely underweight and loses a lot of his muscle tone, and it really wouldn’t take much at all to best him.

Lucius - Lucius is a big, heavy mercenary who fights with a broadsword, so it’s hard to get the best of him in a one-to-one melee fight. However, he’s missing his left eye and is deaf in his left ear - subsequently if you use a little bit of stealth and come at him hard and fast from the left, you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting the jump on him. He’s also into middle-age and despite having decent reactions, a younger man of the same build as him might just pip him to the post.

Their emotional/moral weak spots

Logan - oh god lmao. Logan’s a mess, but his primary emotional weak spot is his siblings - be they his original two (hey queenie and dorian) or Morgan. I think he feels a bond that’s closer to paternal than fraternal, and I think the only way he can really justify to himself the pain he puts them through is telling himself he’s doing it for them. ok honestly, he will do fucking anything for them. at the climax of the revolution, the primary thought running through his head is how fucking proud he is. be nice if he said it out loud every once a while - hell, itd be nice if he’d just asked for some fuckin help before causing the literal death of hundreds of people - but yknow. thats just going one step too far i guess

Lucius - he’s a bleeding heart. when Morgan and his little band of rebels rock up in the Dweller village, Lucius is already there running supplies up and down the mountain to them; he watches way too many kids starve to death, and joins up with the rebels in order to lead them through Mourningwood. then he gets a crush on morgan’s little bitch face and just like. never leaves lmao. He’s easily blinded by injustice and gets worked up really quickly when he sees wrong being done - it can lead him to act recklessly or thoughtlessly at times.

Scars or painful spots

Logan - asides from the obvious scars across his lips (fencing wounds when he was a boy), he took some nasty damage from the Crawler during the three days he was trapped in the Auroran cave - he’s got a network of scars on his back that look a little like lashmarks. they hurt when they’re touched and he Does Not talk about them. he’s also got a few other scars here and there on his arms and chest from miscellaneous scraps and scuffles, and he has a deep puncture scar on his abdomen from an assassination attempt, but the less said about those the better.

Lucius - lmao Lucius is literally missing half his face to scar-tissue. he was attacked by a dog as a boy and it left him heavily messed-up. he’s also a merc, as i said, so he’s got a lot of miscellaneous old wounds but nothing quite as obvious as the ones his face.

Best places to kiss on their body

Logan - oh, the neck, bitch. he’s also kind of a slut for being kissed on the insides of his wrists; anywhere vulnerable, basically. if you could kill him there, kiss him there. freak-ass bitch.

Lucius - dude just likes a nice traditional french kiss man nothing crazy. but also definitely give him a blowjob. i know this question said kissing but lets be real thats kind of a kiss.

Guilty pleasures

Logan - he reads really terrible novels. like…really terrible. he pretends he’s reading something highbrow and intellectual but its actually a shitty romance recovered with something suitably acceptable and nobody can know

Lucius - he doesnt have any ‘guilty’ pleasures tbh, he just enjoys stuff unashamedly. he’s too thick to feel guilty

Their vices (physical or emotional)

Logan - lets be real, he’s probably done, like. an impressive amount of coke. i guess the terrible sleeping and eating habits are probably also a vice but like. it’s mainly the coke

Lucius - he smokes like a fuckin chimney

Their tickle spots

Logan - not only does he not have any, but you would also die for trying. Elrick disagrees.

Lucius - his ribs, but he is uncontrollably violent when he’s tickled so its a real good way to get a broken nose. he doesn’t mean to do it, he just spasms.

Bad memories/experiences

Logan - lmao. I’ll skip the most obvious (the 3-Day Auroran Extravaganza) because i think that goes without saying - it left him with crippling PTSD and damaged his mind heavily and insidiously. he was already pretty traumatised by his childhood and i think being forced into so many responsibilities so young also messed him up a little. it’s more like….rather one one or two specific experiences, its more just a general feeling of Bad that has stuck with him throughout his life. It was worsened by his later experiences, and essentially primed him for failure.

Lucius - yknow i was thinking about how to word the answer to this question and i realised that i accidentally made Lucius into Batman. His family farm was attacked and burnt to the ground by bandits when he was about 12; his parents and siblings were killed, and he only escaped by hiding in the coal-cellar. Later, he joined up with the mercenaries to try and track down the group that targeted them. fuck hes batman. i didnt mean to batman

Humiliating memories

Logan - oh man his father was a pro at humiliation. mistakes or oversights werent just punished, they were fuckin learned from, and he figured the best way to do this was humiliation - generally through public displays of What You Did Wrong and repeated recitations of the mistake in front of the people whose opinions Logan valued. It was kind of the catalyst for his inferiority complex and intense desire to succeed without input from others.

Lucius - again, Lucius doesn’t really experience embarrassment - he’s kind of too laid-back for it. yes, it was embarrassing the one time he fell over carrying two milk buckets and threw them all over himself in front of the handsome boy from the next farm over and the guy started laughing at him but like. you live and learn and the dude turned out to have a really ugly laugh anyway so who cares

Fears/phobias

Logan - he’s always had claustrophobia, but after the Auroran Experience this intensifies to a whole new level, and he also develops crippling nyctophobia. part of this is due to his hallucinatory psychosis - he sees things pretty much constantly, but it worsens in low lighting - but it’s also due to the fact that there may very well be actual Things in the dark and he struggles to tell reality from hallucination

Lucius - dogs. fuckin dogs. he hates dogs theyre literally so scary even the small ones bc the small ones move so quick and you never know when theyre gonna come at you

Bad or petty habits

Logan - oh, he’s just a petty bitch. he’s also outwardly arrogant, even if his internal feelings don’t match up to that. drily sarcastic, too, tho a person only really sees that when they get past the walls he throws up - Elrick is very familiar with it.

Lucius - he’s constantly standing to the right-hand side of people and then he wonders why he cant hear them properly

Grudges and vendettas

Logan - he’d hold a grudge against his father if he wasnt dead. he also holds a pretty heavy grudge against Theresa for not just fucking telling him.

Lucius - at first, only against the bandits that killed his family, but once he deals with them hes kind of at a loss as to where to go next. fortunately Logan starts starving people shortly afterwards, so if nothing else it gives him a kickstart into the rest of his life. Subsequently, Lucius will hold a vendetta against Logan for the rest of his life, even after he has been in a relationship with Morgan for years - he will never forgive him for the shit he put the common people through, and he doesnt really give a shit about the ~pressures~ Logan was under at the time. fuckin excuses, man.

Ingrained habits/forces of habit

Logan - his terrible sleeping/eating patterns. even before trauma and night-terrors made it almost impossible for him to sleep peacefully, he didn’t get more than 5 or 6 hours a night, if that.

Lucius - if something is smaller than him, he’ll protect it. he’ll also protect things bigger than him, if given half the chance. hes basically a golden retriever in human form, which is ironic considering his feelings about dogs.

What it takes to make them cry

Logan - would rather die than cry, quite literally.

Lucius - his heart is softer than butter, he’ll cry at anything. he’ll cry at an injured pigeon on the street.

Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’

Logan - never, ever, ever talks about what happened in Aurora. The details die with him.

Lucius - he doesn’t really have any - he’s not ashamed of much in his life, and he’s never done anything terrible enough to render it a skeleton.

People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them

Logan - L M A O. yes, it affected him terribly, but tbqh however much its affected him kind of plays second fiddle to how much his actions affected other people.

Lucius - has killed a lot of people who deserved it during his mercenary years, and justifies it to himself by being absolutely certain that they did deserve it. sometimes he doubts this, though, and that doubt plays a big part in his eventually getting out of the game entirely

People who’ve influenced them greatly

Logan - Walter, tho he’ll never admit it in a million years and he still definitely kneecapped him right at the start of the game so idk what that says about him

Lucius - Morgan. it’s real gay, i know, but there it is.

#logan1 #lucius1

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comicteaparty · 6 years ago

Text

January 14th-January 20th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from January 13th, 2019 to January 20th, 2019. The chat focused on Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story by ShaRose49.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story by ShaRose49~! (http://sunstrikeandbluemist.thecomicseries.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PST), so keep checking back for more! You have until January 20th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 3. Who do you think Kairo being a double agent for and for what reason? What are the organization’s goals? How does Kat and Evan’s training factor into the organization’s goals to the point it’s an advantage?

QUESTION 4. Do you feel the secret police are a force for good or a force for evil? How might Kat’s dad’s return to investigations play a role in the story, especially considering he’s investigating super-human traffickers?

DeNay

Kat is definitely my favourite character. Hey what's not to love? She's fiery, driven, sweet, and wild. And she has green hair... I love that she doesn't let anything stop her. Not the prosthetic leg, not the challenges of being a mutant, not anyone else's fears. She courageously stands up for what she believes is right.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. Why do you think Evan wants to keep his true self hidden, even from Kat? Do you think Evan will open up more as time goes on? How might his work for the secret police help or hurt him where this is concerned?

ShaRose49

I’m encouraged that some people really like Kat. She’s a real outlet for me

These are really interesting questions, some of them I haven’t really thought of

Idk if I’m allowed to answer a question since I’m the author, but I think my favourite scene so far is the scene in the bedroom

DeNay

I think Evan has a lot of pain and scars and he's afraid to open up and create attachments because he might lose them. To me he seems equally scared of getting hurt and hurting others. That's a theory anyhow.

And I think he will open up more, especially with someone like Kat around.

As for secret police..I think it will force him out of his comfort zone, and that's probably in and of itself going to be very good for him...can't wait to see where it all goes.(edited)

snuffysam

Favorite scene was the fight with the mugger. It was a great showcase of the two's powers, and also the mugger was kind of funny.

my favorite is dad. he's not perfect, but he tries his hardest, and i love him for it

ShaRose49

Awwwwww! That is so cool @snuffysam!

Usually people like the teens best so it’s refreshing to hear a different perspective but you’re totally right

@DeNay well you’re not wrong, but hiding your true self is probably more fear of what others will think if they knew his true self

@DeNay And yeah, his comfort zone is like a cage

RebelVampire

QUESTION 6. Do you think working for the secret police will be everything Kat dreamed of? What unfortunate obstacles do you think might interrupt Kat’s dreams of living openly as herself?

RebelVampire

1) my favorite scene is probably the bedroom scenes. if only cause shallow-ly, i really loved evan just walking through the damn wall. hes so dang casual about it that i can help but admire how normalized the powers are to them in comparison to other ppls reactions. 2) the dad because he walks that fine line between looking out for the kids' safety and acknowledging that they are ppl who need room to grow and become their own ppl. that honestly a really rare depiction that i feel we dont get to see enough of in comics. 3) i want to assume its for an agency that is trying to disstablize the use of things like secret police. and the advantage comes in that if they can show the secret police are dangerous and have super powered ppl working for them, they can convince others to shut it down. 4) i have mixed feelings on the secret police. i assume its a bit of both. the little guys just want to do good things for the world. but the larger entity has probably slowly corrupted or something. become riddled with office politics. something like that. i feel the dad returning to investigations is significant to the story since hes probably gonna find leads the kiddos are gonna follow. 5) i think evan wants to keep his true self hidden cause he doesnt trust anyone and kind of hates everyone secretly cause he hates himself. i actually think working for the secret police is gonna hurt with him opening up. cause i feel hes always gonna get into trouble doing with kat wants instead of developing as his own person and its gonna get overwhelming. 6) i dont think the secret police will be everything kat dreamed of XD cause i think kat is gonna find when an organization doesnt have huge oversight, bad things tend to happen. not to mention, i feel like she has this delusion shell suddenly be accepted with open arms by the world when more likely theres gonna be some levels of discrimination.

ShaRose49

I love how in thought out these answers are

Thought out I meant

snuffysam

yeah i think the secret police aren't going to be as rosy as kat expects. there's levels of bureaucracy, or she isn't allowed to be open the way she wants, or something...

ShaRose49

Well I guess we’ll see. I do think @RebelVampire is the most accurate when describing Evan’s internal struggle so far. And I love how many people favour the dad, Derek. And it sounds kind of like you guys think the Secret Police is like S.H.I.E.L.D. or something lol

And yes, while Kat is a beautiful gem she is too accepting to the point where she is naive and even clueless. But what else would you expect from someone who’s grown up kind of in hiding with no or few friends? It’s actually amazing that Evan is more cautious and less trusting, but to be fair he’s had some traumatic experiences with people, much more so than Kat, but I won’t spoil it

I didn’t expect people to think so highly of Derek I thought I was better at writing younger characters so thanks you guys🥳

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. In general, what tasks do you think Kat and Evan will be doing for the secret police? Do you think Kat and Evan will run into other people with abilities? Do you believe the two will be able to handle it, or will they be outmatched?

DeNay

Hmm that's an interesting question...

I'm not really sure what they'll all be up to, but I'm definitely curious to see. I'm guessing they will run into some other mutants down the road...although I can't really see them fighting one of their "kind."

ShaRose49

Oh reaaaally?

You can’t imagine the, fighting, say, a mutant SUPERVILLAIN??

I’m not saying that’s gonna happen this episode, but keep in mind this story has superhero themes

As for other mutants showing up this episode...let’s just say there may be a cameo

DeNay

Well, maybe I could imagine that... Sounds pretty awesome.

snuffysam

I'm not sure what the secret police will be willing to let Kat & Evan do at first. Because even though they are supermutants, they're also children. Maybe they'll be sent to deal with parking violations at first?

Delphina

Whoo, finally caught up with work, so I can read comics again! I'm really enjoying the family dynamic in this one and probably like Kat the most. She's very earnest and energetic about her goals, and I'm looking forward to seeing if the secret police will encourage that or just add layers of moral grey.

I'm assuming Evan's parents died in a tragic mutant-power-related accident that he blames himself for and he was trying to attempt suicide back there before Kat called out to help with her prosthetic leg. I would hope he learns how to overcome his feelings of guilt and shame, but that seems like a long road and I could also see him giving in to those dark feelings and becoming an antagonist. Too early in the story to really tell!

(The banner at the top with Kairo and Kat in the foreground and Evan's eyes menacingly in the background indicates the latter from a design choice standpoint though. )(edited)

ShaRose49

@snuffysam Parking violations XD I’m dying

@Delphina wow you are perceptive. Not 100% right but you’ve noticed a lot of subtle details

You’re really good at examining Evan

@Delphina and yeah, work’s been a little nuts for me too recently

RebelVampire

lol parking violations. XD somehow i dont think being children will make them go easy on them. cause they already didnt care about the children fact when they hired them. and if them being kids bugged them all that much thats probably when they wouldve decided it wasnt a good idea.

ShaRose49

I think you’re sorta right

ShaRose49

But technically they’re not hired yet they’re just in training

RebelVampire

QUESTION 8. How exactly do you believe Kairo ends up working with Kat and Evan, and what is the mess he supposedly gets them into? Do you believe they’ll manage to get out of it?

(the archive for the chat on MoonSlayer is now available~! https://comicteaparty.com/post/182104413735/january-7th-january-13th-2019-ctp-archive)

RebelVampire

7) i assume theyre going to be handling super powered ppl and perhaps other situations where the situation is easily solved with their powers. like evan's walk through wall ability could come in really handy for doing the sneaky sneaks. but i assume super villains cause this is why you get ppl with superpowers, to fight the super villains that regular civilians cant. as for their ability to handle it, they are 1000% going to be outmatched i think for a while. mostly because youth breeds arrogance and cavalier attitudes while their inexperience breeds clumsiness for lack of a better word. not the best combo. 8) i assume kairo specifically requested it, and im going to guess that the situation is them having to fight a super powered bad guy or something. cause for kids just starting out in the secret police, thats not a situation youd want to be involved in right off the bat. i assume theyll manage to get out of it though. just cause if they dont the comic ends cause everybody be dead.

ShaRose49

Yeah everyone dies XD

People who weren’t familiar with anime kept asking me why Kairo had no eyes on that one panel. It was a little hard to explain lol

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. Overall, how do you think being “superheroes” will change Kat and Evan, both in regards to their own personalities and their views of the world?

Delphina

Kat's been strong-willed and taking risks and doing things she's not supposed to because she feels it's right, so I expect that'll get her into a fair bit of trouble when going after bad guys is her job. Evan is less risk-averse, but also prone to being pulled into trouble by Kat. I expect their problems are going to get a little more complex working with double agents and sides may become more difficult to choose, but I'm curious where becoming less sheltered and open to the world about their powers will take them, since we haven't seen many other examples of how people with powers are treated in society. Is it an X-Men "everyone knows they're around and hates them" thing or a Superman "superpowers are rare and letting people know my secret will be a huge hassle for me"?

ShaRose49

It’s probably more like X-Men

And yeah, Kay and Evan have a lot to learn, but I think they really balance each other out, or they will eventually

Kat stupid autocorrect

snuffysam

i think both good things and bad things will happen to kat & evan due to be more open with their powers. but it'll end up with kat seeing the good side of people being helped by them, and evan will focus on all the people who look at them funny.

ShaRose49

Haha!! That’s so sweet

@Delphina Were you the one who came up with the Evan turning evil theory? I spent a few seconds scribbling doodles based on this. I think I scared myself

ShaRose49

I think it’s the last day, so I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read this comic and for chatting about it (and listening to me geek out). I also wanna thank Comic Tea Party for hosting this!

snuffysam

'bout 26 hours left, yeah. Thanks for offering your comic up! Discussing stuff has been really fun so far!

ShaRose49

@snuffysam Aw, thanks!! Yeah I’ve had so much fun too

Also, as for whether or not Evan turns evil...that depends on what you define as evil

khkddn

welp i showed up to this discussion late but nevertheless i have things to say that are pretty similar to what others have said

first off my favorite character is kat. i decided this when she was like "by the way, you disgust me :)" to that criminal in the beginning of the story. great moment! i also like her design a lot, and the comic's use of bright colors in general

kat and evan view their role in the world v differently and i don't think they'll change easily. maybe evan will come around to accepting that it's okay to be in the spotlight, but i think it's more likely he'll keep wanting to hide away and that'll interfere with their work. even if he doesn't become a full on villain i think he'll at least want to do his own thing

as for kat, i'm worried for her, because i always worry about upbeat characters lol. what if being a Hero isn't what she expected huh, what if it sucks at first? i think evan would handle a reality shock better than kat since he isn't that enthusiastic about it to begin with. but kat might end up being really disappointed until she can adjust.

i really hope evan doesn't turn evil (or, like... evil adjacent?). then turn into a sibling vs sibling fight and ahhh oh no ;_;

Beef Liver

I hope being super heroes won't change Kat and Evan TO much... I really love who they are!

@ShaRose49 Thanks for writing the comic so we could discuss it!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 10. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

RebelVampire

9) i think for kat she's going to learn that doing the right thing is less black & white than she wants to believe. and that sometimes ppl do bad things with good intentions. so playing superhero is complicated and not just this 100% awesome thing. and i think shes really going to have to come to terms with the fact powers dont make her invincible and that ppl can get hurt as bystanders. as for her personality, i think overall itll mature her and make her more conscious of how her actions affect others at the end of the day. as for evan, i think hes gonna have an internal conflict about his personal feelings on his powers vs. the world showing him he can make a positive impact. and so while not evil, i think its gonna make him super angst for a while until eventually he chills out and learns to care about himself. i also think hell learn some independence and that he doesnt just have to follow kat everywhere. 10) im actually most looking forward to more world-building. seeing things like how the secret police are generally regarded, how powers are regarded, who kairo might be working for, etc. i think these are some elements thatll really set the stage for the future for kat and evan.

ShaRose49

@Beef Liver My pleasure!

@khkddn I’m so glad you like the bright colours!:

@RebelVampire You’ll See more world building soon! Kim looking forward to it as well. And as for Kat and Evan changing, @Beef Liver don’t worry, they won’t change drastically right away. However I think they both need to change, perhaps especially Evan. We’ll see why later on

EhNeli

Evan is my favorite. I'm sorry I'm not very good at elaborating (I did terrible in high school english class xl )

snuffysam

One thing I'm really looking forward to is Kat & Evan's first day at the secret police. Just seeing how various people there react to their powers and stuff.

ShaRose49

@EhNeli no worries mate.

I guess I’m looking forward to drawing more of the awesome sibling relationship and going into depth with Kairo. If he doesn’t seem like an important character yet get ready...

@snuffysam I’m really looking forward to that too. I don’t think it will be too long from now (I less it takes me ages to draw cause of work or something)

*unless

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story this week! Please also give a special thank you to ShaRose49 for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Sunstrike and Bluemist: An Origin Story, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://sunstrikeandbluemist.thecomicseries.com/

ShaRose49’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/KadachSharon

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic bookclub #webcomic book club #comic tea party #ctp #sunstrike and bluemist #sunstrike and bluemist an origin story #sharose49 #sharon kadach

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squatlord-draws · 7 years ago

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┗┃・ ■ ・┃┛

GOD ITS ABOUT FUCKIN TIME I CLEAR THE DOCKETT

hey everyone how yall been doin lol, been sittin on a lot of these nice messages for a while now

it’s okay take your time

anonymous asked:

I've never had any interest in Star Trek or (sci-fi in general tbh) and I figured I'd probably never watch it but like... Ur undertrek au... It's filling me with Temptation. Also I love love love how you portray Chara. Or well I love how you portray literally everyone tbh you're just amazing holy shit?? I hope you have a nice day

undertrek is such a self indulgent thing and i would absolutely LOSE it if someone started watching ST because of it. i mean let’s be clear here, the original show is such a vastly different beast than the following series’ (TNG, DS9, Voyager, Enterprise, STD) and im primarily a fan of ToS--though when i started drawing undertrek, i hadnt seen the original series? in retrospect i’d like to go back and change some of the toning, to leave behind the more grounded feel of the post TNG-verse, and do more of the romanticism of ToS

god what a choice fuckin ask, thank you for submittin this

anonymous asked:

Would chara ever actually admit that they actually real love sans and sees him as family?

they see him ...... as a real pain in the ass

anonymous asked:

God I love how smug charas and sans relationship is

they’re the actual best

anonymous asked:

I see charas and sans relationship like rons and aprils in parks and recreation

ron from aprks and rec: rat piss

grabnok-destra asked:

Are Chara and Asriel ever happy? :( I want them to be happy.

i’d say they’re happy a lot, actually

anonymous asked:

I would fight your chara in a darkened alleyway

god you’d fucking win

Anonymous said:

While chara is possessing frisks body where does frisk go?

spectral chuck. e. cheese ball pit

Anonymous said:

You are the squat lord, lord of those who squat

i am no lord. i am only a simple jock. i pump iron like everyone else, one arm at a time, at the same time

Anonymous said:

I'm so split against either having sans and chara get along because they are super similar or them hating each other because the "fuck that stupid ass skeleton" and "haha fuck u too :)))" trope is my favorite

you dont gotta be split . it can be both. you can have it all. we can all have it all

Anonymous said:

I've probably said this a thousand times in my tags but I just??? Love your style so much it brings a smile to my face every time I see it, the way each character looks is just absolutely fantastic and floors me every time, not to mention your oc's are so much fun to look at and I love them? And your humor is always so on point.... thank you so much for sharing ur art with us

OH I LOVE THIS THANK YOU !!! <33333

Anonymous said:

You are one of my favorite undertale blogs ily

thanks i have a comic where sans calls me a horny baby

@georgetheblob said:

You're one of my biggest expression inspirations. Your work is all so fun and entertaining and I hope to someday achieve what you do with your work with my own work.

this is so wonderfully kind of you to say ! it always makes me happy to know others enjoy my stuff < 33

Anonymous said:

love your awesome art by the way, alphys, sans is spying on you and gathering science information. trust me.

he’s stealing all your really good kissy cutie headcanons & posting them as if they were his own, the unforgivable bastard

Anonymous said:

God I love your chara they are so true to character it's scary

i was gonna make some kind of stupid joke to deflect how genuinely happy i get when people call my chara writing in character, but i’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time researching different veins of meta & also reading a ton of childhood psychology books, and there’s no amount of deflection that can erase that bizarre aspect of myself

Anonymous said:

I want your chara to brawl with a random pedestrian

good news there’s a guy in an alley that just fucking killed them

Anonymous said:

I always thought your username was squad-lord

what’s a squad to a lord?

Anonymous said:

I really adore your character designs dude. You use strong basic shapes in a way I don't see artists do a whole lot and their personalities (and the way you characterize them in your comics) just comes across so well, I'm a big fan of all of it.

im really glad ! it’s all a learning process and im really tryin to do what i can to have fun, and make (hopefully) good stuff

Anonymous said:

I will always see chara as a lovable shit head till the day I'm lowered in my grave

sans: why have you killed everyone

chara: im just quirky like that

Anonymous said:

Asriel!!! Is!!! A!!!! Good!!! Boy!!!!!

HEY HE’S A GOOD BOY ! I LOVE THAT GOOD GOAT BOY

marv0 said:

you...you talented...

you.... you thank you............

Anonymous said:

I would fight 10 grown men for chara

well there’s a guy in the alley & another guy who’s watching so you could always go fight them

Anonymous said:

Can I just say ur amazing

oh thank you !

Anonymous said:

your art is amazing and i really like it!!! i hope you have a good day/night!!!

Oh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two really nice ones in a row im diggin it lmao

grabnok-destra said:

Wait...did you ever make a Frisk for your Star Trek stuff?

hell yeah my dude, i love em. love to draw em someday

Anonymous said:

Mmmm those are some good toes squat, nice big ol Toes

i fucking know it’s you sans

@talifu said:

Your Chara is the best Chara I've ever seen (Also your expressions give me life)

THANKS I LOVE EM

Anonymous said:

Lord your depiction of Alphys is the absolute greatest no one else captures her quite as well

she’s really fun ! i feel like she’s the one ive improved the most on as far as her visual appeal, my stylization on her face wasnt ... like ... super great for a while there. im really happy with the general look ive got for her, though. she’s also super fun to draw as a ferengi too lmao

grabnok-destra said:

I actually would like to see Adult Frisk again. Maybe harassing Chara and Asriel by making them join family bonding time/doing healthy exercises or some shit. I dunno, you've always drawn Adult Frisk like they're a huge ball of positive energy and I'd like to see more of it.

it’s been awhile since i’ve drawn adult frisk, i just didnt realize that people care all that much ? tbh i dont really care all too much for them ... i like the design and all, but i just think kid frisk is a lot funnier, and i have more fun drawin their amorphous kind of shape anyways.

im generally pretty insecure about what people think about how undefined all my art decisions are anyways, and adult frisk i always kind of assumed people thought was ... shitty ? maybe a bit too self indulgent ? i dont know. i should draw em again. they got great hair

Anonymous said:

You're a legend, you know that right?

did this ask get sent before or after i tweeted about sans suckin toes

Anonymous said:

I LOVE your Asriel, he is a good boy but also a bit snarky and has some flowey traits still, I love him

asriel as i like to write him is an asriel who wants to believe it was the flower thing that made him such a shit head, but he was always kind of a shit head, the flowey thing just sort of aggregated it

Anonymous said:

sans + blue belly

hey

Anonymous said:

I love how you draw sans as a shoe with a face

please do not ever email me pictures of your shoes because they sound horrifying

Anonymous said:

Can we see more flowey? I missed the edgy piss child

honest to god you are so right . why dont i ever draw him ? he’s literally perfect? he literally did nothing wrong, ever?

Anonymous said:

JESUS SQAUT.,,...every time you post a bunch of happy stuff I know it's a build up to some sads and I'm still never prepared when you post it

it’s like a mob psycho counter w/ posts about horny sans until i post a picture of chara’s horrible corpse bleeding out on the ground

@luptaccos said:

Toriel wearing a Snail! Heaven! Now! shirt is the most genius and in-character thing I've ever seen, congratulations I love you

i think probably toriel listens to a LOT of podcasts, and references them constantly.

Anonymous said:

I love the way you portray undertale characters tbh- you're really good at giving them a lot of personality in a simple looking style! Not to mention your take on them in general being A+ :D You've been one of my favorite fanartists since the fandom was young, and even though I'm not particularly active in it anymore myself, I still really enjoy the things you draw!

it’s gonna be like 5 years from now and im still going be drawin flowey sayin “piss” & i really am not going to have a good explanation for anyone for why its like this

thank u tho im glad you like it <3

@hadjiiembercolgatenerdmctillhawk said:

i accidentally misspelled your name as squadlord, is that okay

god there are so many missed connections goin on in my ask box its wild

also hell yah . i think im just essentially squadlord by proxy at this point anyways

Anonymous said:

In loving that spooky eye on the left

i took too long to respond to this so now i dont know what this was in reference to, so now im just, stuck with this eye mystery . eye just dont know what theyre talkin about

@maple-maypole said:

Aahh, your art is awesome. Please don't let that just slide, I mean it. You have one of the most unique and easily recognizable artstyles I've seen in the few years I've spent in The Webz(tm), so alive and stylized but also so grounded and sharp. Your lines are amongst the best I've ever had the joy to look at, they are without a doubt my favorite thing about your art, only coming close those simple and yet so great characters designs and shapes. I could go on and on. Thanks, really. Ur cool.

oh thank you so much !! one of the greatest pleasures ive had in my art up until this point is improving on my linework, and it always means a lot when people say they like it ! it’s so hard being an artist because i always want to draw in the style of other artists, so its always good to know that others like this weirdass style ive got lmao

Anonymous said:

Pom Farr Chara

ch... chara horny ....

actually i cant be all that sarcastic about it b/c star trek really DID just have it be a thing where vulcans gotta fuck or they die, like that’s a goddamn universal fact. chara is technically vulcan so i guess they also gotta fuck or theyll die

god undertrek is such a fucking good au

Anonymous said:

What's the kids favorite music??

chara: bad youtube edits of the hotel mario theme

asriel: paramore, paramore adjacent

frisk: also the hotel mario theme

Anonymous said:

Your glutes must be hella toned o lord of squats

i had pretty major knee surgery over the summer so a lot of my leg muscles atrophied pretty badly, actually :(

i’ve been pretty bummed about that. i’m able to walk now, but the strength still isn’t quite there. i’m at the point where i can get back into weightlifting, though, so i just need to actually sit down & write down my fitness plan for the week.

i’ll be honest the name squatlord is partially ironic but i’m not kidding about how good, important, and helpful squatting is as an exercise. it really targets those major leg muscles that are vital for just about any physical activity we engage in as humans -- and since my goals are primarily strength training & some amount of bulking, it’s pretty important to have squatting as a major aspect of that training. it’s just been months at this point, though, and getting back into a regular exercise routine is always difficult. it took years for me to even have a schedule at all. totally worth it tho, i fuckin adore bein a full time jock lol

also “squat” is a god damn hilarious word and my domain IS this fuckin leg flexin, i was lyin before, i am absolutely the lord of this horrible sweaty realm, i fucking own these legs & i fucking own these squats

Anonymous said:

I love you're Azzy so much no matter how you draw him

i love him too i always feel so guilty im drawin him in a way people dont like lol ... i just want everyone to love my beautiful goat son, and his beautiful longface

Anonymous said:

i seen your twitter account. I know how deep the horny sans well goes.

#not an art post #askdump #grabnok-destra #marv0 #people in the tags tumblr wont let me at for some reason ?????#i keep forgetting @'ing is even a feature so maybe its for the best #GOD i need to get better at tagging people lmao

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jamiedodgerart · 7 years ago

Note

if you're happy to tell us, i'd love to head more about ur inquisitor :00!! his debates with dorian sound fun

:DDD yeah sure! soz this is late

pica’s 1/6 of an inch tall

(im kidding. his name was originally a pun, but not a typography one - he’s a rehash of an old oc i had way back in the day, who was based off a magpie. hes actually on the short side for a dwarf, i want to say around 4′3″)

he was a lyrium smuggler before the inquisition, and specifically was the front man who sold it. he’s a champion liar and man of many faces, and knows how to disappear in plain sight (which is easy if you’re a dwarf and most law enforcement on the surface are humans. to a human guard dwarves all look the same and theyre too short to really get a good look at their faces). he had a pretty transient lifestyle- he didn’t get tied down, didn’t get too attached to anyone or anything, had pretty few posessions. he was 26 (or the dwarf equivalent of 26. hows dwarf aging work in dragon age anyway) when the carta got him to spy at the conclave, and you know how that went

look ok. the first half of his career as inquisitor was just. wingin’ it. no one really knew what the fuck he was supposed to be doing, least of all him, so he just pretended he knew what he was doing till, i wanna say the end of into the abyss. after talking to mal hawke some he learned that, hey, everyone’s always winging it, and also that his decisions kind of really mattered. (and that those decisions he makes can. kill people) for the first time in his life, he realizes hes actually important, and what he does changes things on the large scale

so after that, he got to thinking. the world kinda sucks. and it sucked before the war. and the leaders of thedas are really not doing all that much about it, except trying to kick each other in the nuts while their enemies are weak and completely forgetting that politics Cannot Survive as a practice if theres no farmers able to make food for diplomats to eat. so, orlais, if your farmland is all gunched up with battlefields, then you need to fix that, don’t you. but the inquisition is really, really good at providing stability! it’s good at establishing patrols, safe trade routes, providing local employment, and is a fairly reliable consumer of local goods. so pica capitalized on that, and quietly spread inquisition presence all over southern thedas. this led to immense inquisition influence, with very little fanfare.

you can guess why the rulers of thedas tried to get rid of him as soon after corypheus was taken care of as possible. they branded him a tyrant and like. ok. they werent like. super far off. bc at this point he was kinda trying to see how much of the world he could take over before anyone noticed/tried to stop him and also figured he could do like, a way better job at leading it than the current rulers could. and he wasnt beholden to anyone either (not like empress celene! elected to her throne by… uhhhhhhhhhhh divine providence or something. i mean shes doing an ok job but like i didnt vote for her) so if he really really wanted to he could go full dragon reborn

ive got off topic but point is he figures humans have had their go and they fucked it up, so it’s a dwarf’s turn and he’s going to put the world back together himself. (ps hey bioware can we have some dwarf stuff in the next game. im js. weve had a whole load of elf nonsense and its nice and all but dwarfs had a cool ancient society too yknow)

after trespasser he elects to keep the inquisition around, because he worked hard to make this glue keeping the bits of thedas stuck together and he’ll be damned if he’ll let solarse and his minions screw it up. but it gets nerfed heavily and hes pissed about it

he romanced cassandra! i really like their relationship- they look to each other for moral guidance. pica knows he can get flighty and relies on her to keep him in line, and always asks her for advice when he sees her in the courtyard. he usually doesn’t follow it but he feels it’s important to have her perspective on things

they disagree on a lot of stuff (like he made celene and briala co-leaders but she was in favor of gaspard) but he trusts her judgement, and supported her in becoming the divine

he’s a little weird about religion, specifically relating to the stone. the surfacer part of him that hates caves is like pff hippie garbage, but the bit that’s generations old and wants to belong to a larger whole of a culture is Super Into It. cole said he felt the stone’s presence around pica one time and externally he didnt react but internally he was yelling WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK I LIVED IN SUCH PEACEFUL IGNORANCE I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THAAAAAT and after the mythal thing hes like fuck believe what you want. whatever floats your boat. we live in a world where nugs have little people hands so if it comforts you to know a god did that then live your truth

re mages he figures theres a way better way for them to fit into society than the circle. its dumb. they can LIFT THINGS WITH THEIR MINDS. USE THAT FOR BUILDING. they can HEAL WOUNDS WITH THEIR MINDS. THEY CAN TALK TO SPIRITS AND SHIT THEY CAN PROBABLY FLY WHY ARENT WE USING THIS THEY’RE WASTED IN TOWERS LEARNING TO SHOOT FIREBALLS OR WHATEVER people who fear magic are cowards. chantry more like sham-try.

hes big on research and development. he sent samson to dagna for research and in the au where mal lives he sent anders to her too. cos. like. dude COEXISTS WITH A SPIRIT. thats cool as SHIT how does it WORK.

(im gonna make a post abt the mal lives au soon. its good)

hes largely responsible but he has also impulse bought at least three stuffed dragons. also, if the textiles technology were available, hed have dragon jammies. it’s the little things in life.

he collects notes he’s found talking about him and hangs them up by his desk. his favorite is the one samson wrote calling him a damnable rogue. he says hes doing things right, if he’s making people mad

hes trans! im not sure how thatd be regarded in dwarf society, in undergrounders i doubt it’d be very acceptable given their emphasis on reproduction, but house cadash has been on the surface for generations and has probably adopted more liberal views on lgbt stuff. either way hes not very open about it, and it’s really easy to pass when he’s around humans (i get the feeling dwarves and humans look for different things, when they’re trying to guess gender. for example hes got some beard scrub, which in human terms means male but in dwarven terms probably either means very young male or unkempt female) (the added implication to this is that varric might keep his beard to stubble so he looks younger) he met krem and had an instant Trans Solidarity moment, which also comes with the Trans Fear that the person Knows that you’re trans and could out you. it’s a weird kind of trust and for me feels like that one performance art piece with the people holding the bow and arrow. anyway hes cool w krem but doesnt talk to him all that much. theyve got pretty different interests.

his best friends are probs cole and dorian! he’s very curious, and likes to hear different perspectives on things. he and dorian often play chess and discuss all sorts of stuff. they end up yelling a lot because they both want to talk but the other started saying something before they were done with their point, which they started saying before the other was done with their point, and so on. he doesnt get very far in the slavery argument until hawke starts chillin at skyhold more regularly and can adequately school him on the state of tevinter slavery (fuck i gotta make a post about that. mal’s had a lot of development since i last talked about him)

he listens very seriously to cole’s observations. he can really appreciate the input of someone who watches so much more than speaks, and heartily supported his ventures in becoming more human.

he also gets along very well with josephine and likes to trick her into taking days off. hes also always down to chat w dagna and scout harding! and varric, of course. it’s always nice to talk to someone without having to crane his neck up at them all the time

(this is the reason he doesnt usually spend time w bull. hes just too tall and its uncomfortable knowing your face is at your friend’s dick height while ur trying to discuss battle strategy)

uhh trivia, at one point i thought i’d fucked up cassandra’s romance by not flirting with her enough so i meant to go for dorian’s instead, bc while i had wanted to romance cass since uhh i dunno one of my mutuals first reblogged a picture of her, i underestimated how charming and cool of a guy dorian ended up being. so in canon i say pica had a crush on both of them for a little while

its late and i think i got mostly everything so enjooooooy

as a parting gift, this is him

youtube

#crownsnbirds #dragon age #pica cadash

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swampgallows · 7 years ago

Text

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again.

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person.

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games.

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that.

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway).

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive.

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester.

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it.

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women.

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood.

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter.

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time.

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

#blathering

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