#or too feminine to ever pass as a man or even be androgynous

[monstermonstre]

anyway just went to the barber and it was so funny how he kept going on about how long my hair was (it didn't even go to my shoulders) and how it didn't suit me and how better it was now that he had cut it shorter not realising i used to be an attractive woman with hair down the middle of my back

[science-lings]

okay this has been going through my mind for days and I have to get my thoughts out before I explode

Disclaimer, this is not talking about a specific artist/person and would never condone or participate in anon hate or online bullying for any reason but especially this one. 

I get why people are mad about Link being portrayed as this buff, hypermasculine, tall guy. I am too (again don’t fucking attack people over it though) and it seems like such an infuriating way to change the character just to fit into some ideal of hypermasculine attractiveness or to make a ship fall into a more hetero lense by making him a decent foot taller than whatever girl he’s being paired with. 

The world of video games and action movies and every form of media ever is extremely saturated with male characters that are swole and manly and whatever other descriptors people are trying to push onto Link that don’t fit into his actual character. There are so many characters out there that already fit this male standard and having a clearly androgynous elf guy was like a breath of fresh air. 

Link was literally designed to be a character whose lines on gender were blurred, ‘a girl with a masculine touch or a guy with a feminine touch’ so that anyone could project themselves onto him. His physical design in botw/totk was specifically made to be feminine enough to wear a certain outfit to pass as a woman (which includes a nearly mandatory cutscene where he puts on the clothes and blushes after being called pretty, like you have to be blind to think that its an experience that he doesn’t like at all) and in totk there are a bunch of outfits made for Link that are blatantly gnc, ones that are practically dresses, include nail polish and lipstick, you can even dye his hair bright and vivid colors and that’s half way to giving him new pronouns. The whole reason Linkle isn’t included in more mainline loz games was because her existence would force Link into a gender dichotomy, if there's a clearly female version of the main hero, that means the main hero has to be a man, and they would rather abandon a potential reoccurring character than make Link conform to a gender binary. 

So pardon me when it feels disingenuous and even malicious for him to be morphed into these clear masculine ideals, where he towers over any female romantic partner (even when in canon he is regularly depicted as noticeably shorter than her) or even in m/m fanworks he’s really beefed up, perhaps to make the scene feel more gay or something. 

Perhaps it’s because his more twink-y/ femboy body type is so heavily sexualized (though obviously when people are sculping abs on him it’s totally not because they’re horny about it) and that’s an issue in itself that bothers me. But it’s just so tiring to see one of the very few popular main characters who is short and feminine and androgynous be molded into just another bland muscle-headed action hero over and over and over again. 

I’m not mad at the creators for portraying him differently than how I like him portrayed, I’m mad because we really do get so few characters like him in good popular media, and to be honest, I really like him the way that he is. I love that he’s tiny and has long hair and has the option to dress any way the player likes. It seems a little distasteful to make him taller than a female love interest just because that’s how straight couples have to be, there’s just never been a real straight couple where the guy is shorter than the girl, that’s just Impossible! (/s) 

[doctordiscord123]

Have you ever wrote Intersex Dark yet? I know you've wrote Fem!Dark before, but I was wondering if you ever/could write a Dark that's androgynous. ^^

Dark stared at themself in the bathroom mirror, frowning. They'd woken up...irritable. They knew themself well enough by now that something was wrong with their body, but they couldn't figure out what. Their masculine form wasn't working, and the feminine form wasn't doing it, either. It was like the twin souls that resided in this body were bickering in their ears, unable to be satisfied with either form. This required more experimentation.

Dark squinted at their reflection, rubbing at their beard, and worried their bottom lip between their teeth. Usually, on masculine days, they liked to keep a rather full beard, nothing patchy like Wil and the others kept, but today...Dark picked up one of Wil's electric razors, cleaning out the strands of pink from the guard, and set about trimming their beard down into stubble. They checked themselves back out in the mirror. Better, but there was more that could be done...

Dark closed their eyes, and when they opened them again, their face was...softer, more feminine, but the stubble helped from creeping into the range of too feminine. Dark glanced down at their body, running their hands over their sides. They were naked, save for a pair of Wil's boxers, pink with rainbow stripes running up and down, and they ran their hands over their sides again. This time, their body molded under their touch, their waist thinning out, causing their hips to be a little more curved. Dark winced as some of their broken bones ground together as they created this new form, but they kept going, trailing their hands up to their chest now.

Dark liked their chest. They ran a hand over their spattering of curly black chest hair, and they decided to keep it for today. They cupped their pecs, and drew their hands back, pulling with them their flesh until they had two soft, almost breasts. Small enough that Dark could still pass for a man, but large enough that they could have some nice cleavage if they wanted it.

Dark eyed themself in the mirror again, twisting this way and that, checking themselves out completely, and this time, they smiled. Perfect. They were so busy, they didn't notice Wil coming up behind them, not until his arms were wrapping around their waist and his chin was on their shoulder. "Mm...good morning, darling~ What is it today?"

"Good morning, love." Dark startled at the sound of their own voice, pulling a face. It was still the deeper tones of the masculine body they'd started out with, they'd been so busy sculpting their body they'd completely forgotten about their voice. That would have to be fixed. But for now, they just kissed Wil's forehead, relaxing back into his arms. "They, today. What do you think?"

Wil raised an eyebrow, and Dark spread their arms, nodding to the mirror. They watched as Wil's eyes raked over their body, and then he was grinning, and his hands -- of course -- wandered up to cup Dark's chest. Dark blushed, glancing away, even as they instinctively tilted their head for Wil to press a kiss to their throat. "I think you look wonderful. Perfect, even."

"You say that every morning." Dark rolled their eyes.

"It's true every morning!" Wil kissed them again, then gently took ahold of Dark's chin to guide them into a proper kiss. His hands wandered back down, one tracing the outline of Dark's shattered scar, and Dark shivered in his hold. "I think you should use this form more often."

"Perhaps I will..." Dark glanced at themself in the mirror again, and peeled away from Wil's arms despite his protest. Dark shot him a mocking pout, and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. "I'm going to get dressed. I'll meet you in the kitchen when you're ready."

"Fine, fine." Wil made his way for the shower, stripping out of his pajama shirt as he went.

Dark stepped back into their shared bedroom, and stood before their wardrobe. Eventually, they picked out a white button down shirt -- most of the buttons undone to show off their chest -- and a pair of black bell bottom pants that went well with their dress shoes. They chose a pair of silver hoops as earrings, and returned to the bathroom to do some quick, simple makeup while Wil serenaded himself in the shower.

After one last smile in the mirror, Dark was ready for the day.

[aishabellasbigblogofeverything]

If i may hope into your inbox rq to rant,i think there's a special kind of masculinazation queer black women go through specifically.There's this weird thing white cis wlw have where they automatically assume 'black women with a queer gender/orientation=masculine presentation' even if the bw in question is blatantly femme(remember the tomboy Megan Thee Stallion allegations💀)and it's highkey insane how they can't wrap their heads around the fact that black women can be girlypops and softgirls as much as any other queer women and i can only imagine how much worse it is for femme black trans women

Like for me i'm bigender and genderfluid along with being bi so i understand why people would assume i want to be masc on first meeting but a quick look at my blog or talking with me will make it very obvious i'm a dude but not the slightest bit masculine and that's absolutely influenced by my black womanhood but white woman fragility makes the idea of unlearning misogynoir 'scary'🙄Ntm my white trans girl friends have been way more normal about me and guys like me than cis girls so that adds to my opinion that transfem and black woman friendships are almost inherent and the overlap between transmisogyny and misogynoir.They think it's 'allyship' but the thing is almost no black woman ever asks to be masculineized

All of this is so true!!!

And then there's the fact that whenever you see Black wlw rep in media, they are almost always butch/stud or on the androgynous/masculine side, and while that does deserve rep, you hardly see femme Black wlw nearly as much, especially when they're paired with a non-Black or lighter-skinned Black girl who will almost always be the femme to their butch, it feels like Black wlw almost never get to be the feminine one.

A lot of white wlw I've seen tend to assume that Black wlw must be masculine, often so that they can be the more feminine one and it's unfair. Plus I feel like Black femme lesbians in particular face a DOUBLE form of femme invisibility that other femmes do not, because while femmes in general are read as straight or seen as having straight-passing privilege(which we do not), Black femmes often face both where we are assumed to be straight feminine girls or we are seen as not being "lesbian" enough because we're femme when Black lesbians must be studs. And it's unfair. And also I wish there was a term specifically for Black femme lesbians the way Black masc lesbians have stud, that was common and widespread, but I also just know that if a term like that did exist, then it would just be co-opted by non-Black femmes anyway, just like non-Black mascs try to do with stud.

I feel too that my femmeness is def influenced by my Black womanhood as well so I see where you're coming from. And I also agree that Black girls and trans girls(esp Black trans girls) should be friends because our oppression, although not identical, has a lot in common on the grounds that we are both denied womanhood by the white gender binarist society.

I wish this was a thing people talked about more, a lot of people act like femmes don't have any unique problems or that we are privileged for being straight-"passing" or having "so much representation" in media, when that is not the case and especially ignores the reality of being a femme of color, especially a Black femme who has to fight to be allowed to embrace her femininity and not be seen as man-lite due to white supremacy. I feel like only other femmes and butch lesbians care about our struggles but that the wider non-lesbian/non-wlw society doesn't? Especially with a lot of lgbt men/male-aligned people saying that the lgbt community has a "fear of/aversion to" masculinity which is complete bullshit(unless you're referring to butch/masc/stud women of course). But we need to start having this conversation! So thank you for bringing it to my attention!

[animefem]

ways of describing your gender that might come from painful dysphoria but are also very sexist/misogynistic (and often cissexist) and worth actively confronting in yourself, since you might very well be reinforcing gender roles in yourself and others:

joking is 100% fine obviously, but sooo many of these i've seen completely unironically within the lgbtq community (terfs dni)

#1 - i'm not a woman or i don't feel like a woman because... i'm too masculine, hairy, loud, snarky, confident, wish i was tall and buff, want to be the one in charge, don't care if i'm pretty, do unwomanly things, don't like fashion, don't like makeup, don't know how to do small talk, don't understand social cues, enjoy stereotypically masculine interests, like to be the one penetrating during sex, like being rough during sex, like dominating, like being tough, all things that obviously contradict womanhood

#2 - i'm not a man or i don't feel like a man because... i'm too feminine, don't like body hair, have a more feminine or high pitched voice, talk or dress in a stereotypically girly way, enjoy dresses and skirts and dolls and makeup, enjoy stereotypically feminine interests, like being the submissive one and being penetrated (which i see as a "womanly thing" especially if it's in a rough way), like being polite and docile and dainty or being promiscuous and wearing revealing outfits, or even being a sex worker, all things that are girl things to me and make me feel like a woman and aren't something a real man would ever be

#3 - OBVIOUSLY i'm not a man/woman... look how androgynous i look!!! how did that cis person even think i was cis lmao???? i'm too gender nonconforming to actually be a cis man/woman, obviously even i will assume a gender conforming person is cis but a VISIBLY ANDROGYNOUS person like ME??? extra hilarious!!!! (there isn't a specific "trans look" bc trans/nonbinary can look like anything and gnc people exist so this is sexist and transphobic af)

#4 - [anything that implies that being trans/nonbinary is a political statement for the person or a choice to say fuck you to cissexist heteropatriarchal society instead of a very personal identity like being gay or bisexual, it's just a political subculture]

#5 - i'm gay/bi/etc and i believe that my lgbtq identity inherently contradicts me being a cis man/woman

fyi, #5 is said not in the respectful way someone will describe their own personal identity, but rather trying to literally state that being gay/bi/etc inherently means not feeling like a man/woman despite MANY lgbtq men & women being totally connected to their binary gender, feeling a special connection to it through their gayness. this includes binary trans people who have a very unique connection to manhood or womanhood. it's not cool to label gayness or transness as inherently nonbinary. radical sure, but binary lgbtq people have fought FOREVER to be seen as no less of a man/woman than anyone cishet, an obviously homophobic af belief that is pushed by bigots everywhere, to the point where some countries have transition legalized but not homosexuality bc they think that being gay makes you not a real man/woman, so you might as well become a "normal" straight person by transitioning. this shit should be called tf out

#6 - i don't agree with misogyny and i want to distance myself from it politically despite being 100% comfortable with being male and living as male and not having any social or physical dysphoria, or even euphoria, so i use the term nonbinary to show support to women. this is a take i've actually seen passed around lmao, both from transmasc and transfem people

#7 - i just want to make cishet people uncomfortable. it's funny as a joke obviously, i've said i'm gay to make men mad wayyy too many times i get it. but some people when prompted will deadass say that's their only reason to identify as nonbinary. and ngl that sounds like treating transness as a political accessory instead of just a personal identity. which means they think being trans is a choice, like political lesbianism back in the day

there's so many hilarious jokes to make about gender that i love seeing around. so many fun ways to describe gender identity. but let's not feed cishet people's sexism and reinforce the bullshit we've learned growing up, excusing it by giving it a fresh rainbow coat of paint. the last thing the community needs is tighter gender roles. we need to EXPAND not only what it means to be nonbinary, but ALSO what it means to be a binary man or woman!!! it's okay if some of these were signs for you, but the way you speak about it matters

[dogfags]

Do you have any passing tips for being stealth?

I Do but I don't want to get cancelled for encouraging passing culture or whatever but if u rly wanna know here lmao:

Disclaimer: these tips are just what have helped ME, I'm only speaking for myself and what I have observed works for me. I am a very androgynous person, I don't pass as male without trying. These tips are for people who probably haven't been on T for 8 years but probably have been on T a bit and kind of teeter the edge between passing and not. You don't have to pass to be valid yadda yadda whatever but some people want to pass and be stealth and this is for those people.

I wouldn't dream of trying to be stealth pre top surgery just bc it would have been impossible for me but there are ways to conceal binders in day to day. I'm stealth at cosmetology school and we have a very strict dress code and I wouldn't even be able to wear anything that would show a binder or that I've had surgery. So stick to clothes that cover you up - men's cut T shirts and long sleeves. I wear turtlenecks a lot bc I just personally like them but they also add a bit more coverage than a typically cut shirt.

You will probably be perceived as a queer/gay man. And (statistically speaking) you're probably into men anyway. Lean into it a bit. I don't mean act overly flamboyant or anything but people overlook feminine behaviors and traits in a man they perceive as gay. I'm dating a man so it's easy for me to just say "my partner" or "my boyfriend" to make it clear - if you're straight this is a bit difficult bc you will most likely at LEAST have people assume you're gay just due to the "feminine" behaviors you were taught your entire life. In that case you kind of have to work to unlearn those. A lot of how people perceive your gender has to do with your mannerisms.

Idk about you but I'm short af and always thought it would be a huge hindrance to passing. But it's not really! I wear platform doc martens which gives me a couple inches boost and there are insoles that can bump you up a bit too. It's not necessary though, men can be short.

Do voice training. A lotttt of trans men overlook this and think it's only necessary for trans women. No! You need to voice train if you want to pass. Stop speaking in that customer service voice too, ESPECIALLY to other men. I'd just look up voice training videos and practice on your own and then slowly implement it into daily life. It really changed the way not only how people perceive my gender but also the amount of respect other men give me. Which is sad but it's part of the game.

You will likely look younger than you are. One way to combat this is with clothing choices and hairstyles that flatter you. Don't choose a longer fluffy haircut that will make you look boyish. Choose something short on the sides and longer on the top, maybe with a fade but definitely with clippers. You can get this cut at any barbershop or salon - it's the first kind of haircut for men that they teach. Avoid unnatural colors in your hair. You can spice it up with coloring your hair for sure but I wouldn't go for bright pink or blue. (This was sad to give up for me but damn near a necessity if you want to pass. I am however just as happy with black hair with a blonde streak.)

High emphasis on the haircut. I see so many trans men get extremely feminine cuts and colors and then complain that they don't pass. Your hair is very important in how people perceive your gender. Study the difference between a pixie and a men's cut and don't dance the line. Avoid shaving your head bald - it exposes your whole face and skull shape which is also something people look at to determine gender. Get something short and masculine, think square not round shapes.

Just don't wear makeup. I know you think it helps to contour and darken your eyebrows but it doesn't. Everyone can tell it isn't natural and men rarely ever wear makeup. You may be able to get away with it in a setting like mine (cosmetology school or being a literal makeup artist) but otherwise it's only hindering your ability to pass. If you want darker eyebrows/facial hair consider dyeing it with just for men facial dye.

If you can grow facial hair, do. It's a game changer in passing. People will very rarely see someone with a mustache and think "woman." (Not to say this doesn't happen, it does, but less.) If you can't grow facial hair, don't draw it on for the love of god. I made this mistake for a while of putting makeup on the vellus hair above my lip to make it appear like a mustache and that shit looks ridiculous. Just shave it clean if it's not full enough to be an actual mustache. I myself have a really thin mustache but it's enough that it immediately signals to others that I'm a man. You can use rogaine on the face to grow more facial hair - I did this and can attest that it works. (Just be careful if you have cats, it's toxic to them.)

Last thing I'll say, is be wary of your clothing choices. You can wear some feminine things if you make up for them in other ways. For example, I love high waisted pants. I refuse to wear other pants. Therefore my pants are usually found from the women's section or I wear oversized men's pants at the waist instead of at the hip. This creates a feminine silhouette but I counteract it by wearing a baggy top that falls over the waist, covering it, OR tucking the shirt in and allowing it to be loose at the point where it tucks in (if that makes sense?) Basically think rectangle and triangle shapes instead of curvy round ones for clothes. Try to create a silhouette that slims the hips down. Also, wear clothes that fit! Don't oversize everything (I'm guilty of this sometimes but try to balance out the bottom and top halves). Oversized clothing is still better than very tight clothing that will show everything but it makes you look shorter and more round and we're trying to achieve rectangle/triangle. When I gained 40 lbs I had to really deep dive into plus size men's fashion and find all new ways to dress myself bc I was so used to being skinny and being able to wear anything I wanted while still looking masculine bc I had no curves lol. T has changed my fat distribution a Little Bit, but I still very much have hips and an ass on me and I combat this with loose, straight leg pants and a shirt that falls over the top of the butt (aka don't wear crop tops, they aren't helping you.) But yeah! You'd be surprised at how much you can do with masculine clothing. People often say masc style is "boring" but it's totally not! I love Pinterest for finding outfit inspo. You can also incorporate feminine pieces into an overall masculine outfit and get away with it if you know what you're doing.

So yeah!! Those are my tips. Hope they help someone :') I'm new to living stealth and it's kinda scary at first, you do have to subtly lie about your life sometimes. But overall I'm much happier this way and my dysphoria has drastically decreased.

[wokeuplaughing]

something I've been having a little bit of trouble with regarding transitioning is the fact that I have known that I am a man since I was around 11 and knew that same year that the only way to achieve what I wanted was through medical transition but, only now at age 20, am I actually medically transitioning. I went through middle school and high school being seen as a girl who wanted to be seen as a boy but to me it was never about being a boy it was about being a Man. the length of my adolescence was spent pining for something I am currently achieving. now that I have it, I am experiencing this disparity between who I am becoming and who I was.

my gender was always seen as something I'd grow out of. for years my aunt insisted upon waiting until I was 30 to transition, my father, more lenient in this sense, suggested I transition after college, and my much older step sister, who I had very few conversations with, doubted my identity entirely because I wasn't like the trans men she had met before, so with her psych background she deemed it a phase. my identity had been denied as much as it was repressed. I didn't ever spend time doing anything too traditionally masculine or feminine during my adolescence because it felt like a landmine of decisions. if I messed up the performance in any way the neutrality and androgyny would fade away and everyone would see what was so clear to them and not me: that I was failing at being a man because I never was transgender to begin with.

and of course my family was profoundly wrong.

with all the great effects of testosterone (I love my voice, my masculinized hips, my broader shoulders, the body hair, it all is so great) I wonder where all this ease came from. I have this grand confidence I have never known while I am passing. I get called sir and strangers approach me differently. the face I see in the mirror is beginning to belong to me. this is where the disparity is. I am still in this rough point where people sometimes see a woman or a man and I am distinctly aware of how I can manipulate my appearance to fit those standards. I fell into an androgynous form and I feel as though I've missed a few steps. I never had that awkward teenager phase, even if my voice does still crack and spike. but why don't I feel like that phase is applicable?

the closest conclusion I have came to is that I was a teenaged boy that wanted to be a man in a teenaged girl's body for years. I never saw myself as a boy because what I was experiencing wasn't boyhood, I fully intended to be a man. and now, here as I am, 4 1/2 months into testosterone and passing more with every passing day, I realize only now that testosterone marked the end of that adolescence that I thought had been over. the teenager that had been so repressed in becoming a man is finally there.

[kanamori-kamper-moved]

❤️‍🩹 for aztecshipping?

aaaa I love this!! Don’t have any ideas for them in terms of regular Yuma and trey but I have been having more knight trey and prince yuma ideas :333 As always, transfem Trey so she uses the feminine pronoun

enjoy!! (Also there are a few font changes in this so do tell if you need me to reformat anything)

ask game

-

Yuma sighs longingly. He’s read her letters far too many times. They are always written in flowery, soft cursive and laden with beautifully chosen words straight out of a poem.

When was the last time he saw her? He didn't know. Yuma has forgotten now, but all he knows is that even throughout his business, he deeply misses Trey. He's been swamped in work, far too tired to even write back to her. He felt guilty, eyes moving back-and-forth slowly through the words on the paper.

"I know you've been busy. Just know that if even if you come to be away from me, I'll always be there to protect you, even if in spirit. I long to see you, and to spend time with you. I know you're busy, but I miss when you'd write back to me. But even so, I hope this letter finds you well -Trey, your knight."

Yuma feels guilty, he can't keep ignoring these. He wants to write back, but he's labored, ever so labored.

The piles upon piles of her letters sitting in the corner of his room makes him dizzy. Suddenly, out came a noise; a sigh so soft, suffused with ache.

"Today's sunset was beautiful. It reminds me of you, almost. Even when it came to be nighttime, I did not want to close my curtains just yet. I open the window, and the warm spring air floats in. The pie I left to cool on the downstairs windowsill isn't hot anymore. I hoped you'd come, rushing downstairs to see if you'd taken a piece for yourself, but you hadn't. But it is okay. I wrapped it in parchment, hopefully you'll come over soon, so we can share it before it spoils. I have never more wanted to see you than I do now; just to sit and look at you, at least. But, my eldest brother always taught me that It is shameful to beg. I hope this letter finds you well. -Trey, your knight."

Her words make Yuma's heart skip a beat, he still remembers when they first met. Yuma snuck out of the castle again, opening up his window and running past the guards before they could catch up with him.

He wanted to get dirty, have fun, to run away from all of his responsibilities. Even if he was seen as a disgrace, and exiled without a word, it still would have been worth it. But, there he was, in the middle of a field of berries that he'd become lost in.

It was like Déjà vu. When he was just about 8, he'd gotten lost picking berries with Tori, the girl he'd known since he was in diapers. It was just like this all over again, he didn't know how to navigate himself, and could only pass the time by eating the ripe bushels of blackberries. But, this time, it was like nobody was coming to find him. His dad always told him about the creatures he'd saw during his travels, but Yuma never thought he'd see one himself.

Its claws were digging into his arms, pinning him down as he thrashed and screamed. He thought he was going to die, only to be left as a stray pile of blood and clothes. But the wretched creature screeched, Yuma peering his head over to see a sword stuck in its back.

It's Trey. She's beautiful. Her hair is so short he was sure she at first a man, but he doesn't have time to think about it.

When she's done slaying the beast, she kisses his hand, "Are you alright?", concern fills her pretty, androgynous voice.

No one's done this before, Yuma's blushing and can't even form a coherent sentence. But, he doesn't need to, because Trey puts him back on his feet and escorts him back to the kingdom after treating his wounds.

"I'm fine, I swear!"

"No you're not, just look at how you're bleeding! I'm only doing this in your best interest, your highness."

She's persistent. Trey refuses to leave him alone, insisting a good knight wouldn't leave until they're sure that everything is fine. Yuma can't even sleep that night, he wants to see her again.

There's so much burning in his chest, he rifles through his desk to find a piece of paper to finally write back to her. Sure, he doesn't write in any of those pretty fonts or as flowery, or poetically as her, but he needs too, he HAS TOO.

He has to be honest with her.

"I'm sorry for not getting back to you sooner, it's been a lot lately. But I need to tell you something. It's hard to find the words, I thought of saying that I fell in love with you, but no. Falling is an accident. No, I ran aggressively towards my love for you, and I cannot keep ignoring it. There are so many things I could tell you, but they all just dissolve in my throat. It's dark now, and I'm very tired. I'll love you forever, always. Time is nothing when I'm with you.

-Yuma, your prince."

Yuma gives it to his courier and falls into his bed, he should have done this so log ago, but now it's done.

-

In the morning, he's given a letter. It's from Trey. Did she manage to respond that quickly? She's always been amazing, Yuma shouldn't be surprised.

"I'm glad you told me, and don't be sorry, your personal affairs come before our letters. But, I need to tell you as well, I feel just the same. I cannot continue to water myself down so you don't catch on. You utterly pierce my soul, there's no other way to describe it. No matter what kind of future it will be, I’ll always find you. Come to the cottage, my brothers won't be there. I'll be waiting for you. -Trey, your knight."

And so Yuma does, opening up the window and sneaking out once more. Trey is waiting for him inside, and he runs in her arms. There are no words, the both of them know what they want. He kisses her softly, Treys lips are ever so soft.

"I have some new recipes I'd like to bake with you."

"That would be lovely."

[fandomblr]

T4T Kiliel Headcanons

Trans! Kili Headcanons

Kili knew he was trans during his early teens and came out to his family, all which were extremely supportive. He realized he was trans since AFAB dwarves often get read as male due to their facial hair, and found that he was so happy when people thought he was a boy, and then he realized he IS a boy!

Dís was extremely proud of him when he came out and made him his first binder. When he told her she shouted to the rooftops, “THANK DURIN, I HAVE TWO SONS NOW!!!”

Fili was OVERJOYED since he had always wanted a brother. He becomes extremely protective of him, and he and Thorin will fight anyone that is transphobic to him and misgenders or deadnames him.

Having a queer family member (Thorin) was extremely helpful since Thorin had an idea of what Kili was going through as a queer person himself (although he obviously can only understand so much as a gay cis man), so his uncle takes it upon himself to be the one to educate everyone on trans issues and on how it’s so important that everyone uses Kili’s correct name and pronouns.

Contrary to popular belief, he is not on testosterone and doesn’t want to go on it. AFAB dwarves already have higher levels of testosterone than non-dwarf AFAB people, so he can easily grow his facial hair and his voice is kind of androgynous, which he is okay with.

He’s non-dysphoric, so he doesn’t feel the need to medically transition at all, but everyone in his family and in Thorin and Co sees him as the man he is regardless.

He binds on certain occasions, and when he does he binds safely and never binds for more than 8 hours a day, and makes sure to not bind while he is in battle or doing any sort of strenuous physical activity that could hurt him while binding.

Again, Kili is non-dysphoric so he doesn’t want top surgery. He gets euphoria from how his chest looks like when he binds but he is okay with his unbound chest too. Besides, top surgery involves recovery time which he doesn’t have as he’s constantly fighting orcs and is on the move ever since the dwarves lost their home in Erebor.

He LOVES to pack. He doesn’t have bottom dysphoria but he gets euphoria from packing, which he does a lot. His prosthetic packers are made by other dwarves so they are incredibly realistic and let’s just say they do their job pretty well. He also likes his packers to be really creative and come in a bunch of funky colors and designs, and he prides himself in that since that’s something that cis men won’t ever get to experience

Al of his community and the dwarves around him are supportive of his gender, the only transphobia he could ever face would be from non-dwarves, but that rarely happens since Thorin and Fili have a reputation of stabbing people that are transphobic to Kili.

He’s very openly trans. He doesn’t want to go stealth and he proudly wears the colors of the trans flag whenever he can. Dís always makes sure to knit him trans pride stuff. He loves being trans and would never want to be cis.

His gender presentation is pretty masc, but he likes dressing in an androgynous way sometimes. Every once in a while he’ll also want to try the pretty boy aesthetic and paint his nails and wear makeup more feminine clothing such as dresses and skirts, but in his day to day he is mostly masculine.

There are definitely more trans and non-binary dwarves, but he doesn’t know them very well, since the ones that he knows of live in the Iron Hills with Dáin, so he’s only ever heard of them.

He passes pretty well when he binds, but like I said he doesn’t bind all the time since he’s constantly fighting orcs and doing strenuous physical activity. So he only passes when he binds, and that’s okay with him. He knows he doesn’t need to pass to be valid, and he always corrects people when they misgender him. He wishes he would get read as male more often even when he doesn’t bind though, but being misgendered doesn’t give him social dysphoria (although it is certainly annoying).

Kili is a straight trans man, he’s only into women, but there were not a lot of dwarf women around him besides Dís (his mom) when he was growing up so he never really got the chance to date until he met Tauriel.

Trans! Tauriel Headcanons

Unlike Kili, Tauriel didn’t realize she was trans until she was well into adulthood. Similarly to Kili, she realized she was trans when mortal men gendered her as female, and realized that being read as female felt so much better than being read as male. But even after she realized she was trans, she spent a long time trying to repress her transness.

All of that changed when she met Legolas and became his friend. Legolas is agender (they use any pronouns but don’t mind when people call use he/him for her), and he taught her that there was nothing wrong with who she is.

Tauriel had a rough childhood. Her parents were killed by orcs so she was on her own until she met Legolas, and Thranduil basically took her in as his adoptive daughter. That’s why Legolas says that he would forgive her if she came back after helping the dwarves.

Although Thranduil did not approve of her as a partner for Legolas, that does not mean he does not respect her. Having a trans kid himself, Thranduil knows how important it is to be a trans ally. He’s also very very gay for Bard, so like Thorin he has experience with the queer community and educates his subjects on trans and non-binary issues. He does not tolerate any transphobia towards her, and he banishes any elf that purposefully misgenders or deadnames her.

Also, Thranduil was DEFINITELY wrong about Legolas and Tauriel ever being a thing. They’re pretty much siblings in every sense of the word, and have never been romantically interested in each other. Plus, since Tauriel is kind of Thranduil’s adopted daughter, that would be incest so no thanks. That’s precisely why Thranduil was so against them as a couple.

At first she identified as non-binary, but as she kept talking with Legolas about gender she realized that she’s a binary trans woman.

Legolas was obviously the one that helped her with her transition since she knew what it was like to question their gender and explore gender presentation. They helped her get feminine clothes, tested out pronouns and names for her, got her breast forms, and talked to her about trans and non-binary issues.

AMAB elves are already pretty androgynous due to their long hair, so that was certainly an advantage to Tauriel’s transition. Sometimes people (especially mortals from Lake Town) had a hard time figuring out her gender before she transitioned, and now that she presents more femininely these mortals are even more confused about her gender, as she looks very androgynous. She doesn’t mind and sometimes finds it amusing when she confuses them, although she does wish she would get read as female more often.

While Kili is non-dysphoric, Tauriel is EXTREMELY dysphoric. Looking back at it, her dysphoria was always there even before she knew she was trans. She just thought that everyone felt like she did. But her dysphoria continued to get worse over the years, and once she realized she’s a woman it actually increased.

That’s why Tauriel had FFS, or facial feminization surgery, (since elves are skilled healers after all, so they would know all about gender affirming surgeries). She has also been on estrogen for about a 100 years. Her dysphoria is a lot better now because of it, but she still has some body and social dysphoria.

At the start of her transition she felt like she needed to be hyperfeminine and overcompensate for her transness. She felt like she was never “female enough” and since she came out later in life, a lot of elves around her would accidentally misgender her and that really hurt her since she has social dysphoria. That made her feel like she had “failed” at being a woman.

Legolas had to explain to her that she hadn’t “failed” at anything, and that other people’s perception of her does not define her. Still, he would ALWAYS correct people when they misgendered her, and anyone that is transphobic to her faces their wrath (and arrows!)

They also told her that she didn’t have to be hyperfeminine to be valid. After Legolas explained this, she became more comfortable not being hyperfeminine 24/7. That’s why her gender presentation today is very fluid. She can be very feminine in some days, dress more androgynously in others, and sometimes she can even present more masculinely.

Legolas has helped her voice train for hundreds of years, so she’s a master at it. That’s why her normal voice today is pretty high pitched and similar to a cis woman’s. However, she can still speak in a deep voice if she wants, and on certain occasions she will use it to surprise people, especially when she needs to startle and distract orcs and giant spiders.

She refuses to tuck even though she has bottom dysphoria. Legolas taught her how to tuck once but it was extremely uncomfortable for her so she never did it again. Besides, she’s not okay with the possible risks tucking can have.

She doesn’t know if she wants bottom surgery or not. It would help her dysphoria, but she’s afraid of how the recovery may go and what the results will look like. And again, surgeries include recovery time and she’s captain of the guard and there are a lot more orcs and spiders to fight than earlier when she had FFS. Although Thranduil and Legolas would 100% support her if she chose to have the surgery and would cover for her in her job, she still feels an obligation to Mirkwood and would not want to take that much time off. So she’s thinking about it. Which is fine, considering she’s an immortal and has all the time in the world.

Pretty much everyone in Mirkwood knows she’s trans since she came out later in life, so it’s nearly impossible for her to be stealth there. However, she does like to go stealth whenever she’s around people that only know her after her transition, and she goes stealth whenever she’s in Lake Town since she transitioned before the mortals there were even born.

Elves have a very accepting attitude towards trans, non-binary, and gender diverse people since most of them are already androgynous. That’s why Mirkwood has a vibrant queer, trans, and non-binary community, so she knows several other trans and non-binary people besides her and Legolas. She feels at home in her community.

Tauriel practically faces no transphobia in Mirkwood at all, considering how Thranduil would banish anyone that disrespected her and Legolas would most likely shoot arrows through them.

However, she has faced a lot of transphobia when she is around Lake Town. The mortals are not as enlightened as elves when it comes to gender stuff, and so many mortal men will purposefully misgender her or not trust her when she says she’s female. She used to get this a lot when she was at the beginning of her transition. She still gets transphobia every once in a while, but not as much now that she has transitioned.

Tauriel never had time for dating since she’s been very busy as captain of the guard. She doesn’t label her sexuality though, as she doesn’t really think about the gender of the people she would date if she wasn’t with Kili. That’s why she jokingly refers to herself as “Kilisexual.”

T4T Kiliel Couple Headcanons

They obviously immediately bonded over being trans, and seeing Tauriel as a visibly out trans woman meant the WORLD to Kili considering that she was the first trans person he’d ever met.

Tauriel actually made Kili have a sexuality crisis for a second, since she is very androgynous and he wasn’t 100% sure if she was indeed a woman. Of course, that other androgynous elf in Rivendell that he said “isn’t that bad” didn’t help this crisis either. But once he confirmed that Tauriel is female, the sexuality crisis was averted and he was sure once again that he is straight.

Tauriel used to hate being trans for a long time. She would envy a lot of her cis female elf friends and wish she could be cis too. She would often tell Legolas that she would give anything to be cis, so she could feel like a “real girl.” Legolas explained to her that that is internalized transphobia, but she couldn’t help how she felt. However, all of that changed when she met Kili.

Seeing Kili be so happy as an out and proud trans man made her realize that being trans isn’t just pain and suffering. She already knew that there are trans people that are happy being trans and loved that about themselves thanks to Legolas, but she couldn’t imagine ever being that way.

Kili helped her be proud as a trans woman, something that she had never felt before. He helped her realize that she is beautiful BECAUSE of her transness and not in spite of it. She had felt ashamed about being trans for so long, but that shame went away after she hung out with Kili during his imprisonment. He taught her that she IS a real girl, and that no one but her can tell her what her gender is.

He also helped her unlock gender euphoria. Tauriel’s trans experience had mostly revolved around her dysphoria, while Kili’s had revolved around his euphoria. One way he did that was by dancing and spinning her around so her skirts would soar in the air. This gives her so much euphoria, and it’s something Tauriel will never forget.

Tauriel teaches Kili how to voice train with the help of transmasc elves in her community so he can make his voice a little deeper since he’s not on testosterone. They voice train together!

Together they discover trans joy and trans love. For instance, she will compliment his packers and he will endlessly woo her about how she is so beautiful that she walks in starlight.

They go to pride together! They go to the pride parades in Erebor and Mirkwood, and when Bard starts the first Lake Town pride they go there too. They also go to the pride Bilbo and Thorin organize every year in the shire.

Thanks to Kili, Tauriel now wears her trans colors proudly. She only does that in Mirkwood, since like I already said she wants to go stealth when she’s outside of it. Kili respects that decision 100%. And Dís always knits her stuff with the trans flag as well.

They do their makeup and paint their nails together too! Tauriel will do his makeup and nails when he has his pretty boy days, and Kili loves to help her with hers when she presents femininely.

Although Kili doesn’t relate to Tauriel’s dysphoria since he doesn’t have it, he is always there for her when dysphoria gets her down. He reminds her of how beautiful she is and affirms her gender constantly. Tauriel also affirms his gender all the time.

Also, Kili never dies, PERIOD. No dying is allowed here. Thorin and Fili also don’t die either, and Bard takes limpë and becomes immortal because I ship Barduil and I make the rules.

Ultimately, they both have very different trans experiences. Kili is non-dysphoric, came out earlier in his life, didn’t know a lot of trans people, hasn’t faced a lot of transphobia, doesn’t want to go stealth, and is not transitioning medically, while Tauriel is dysphoric, came out later in life, has been in community with other trans people, has faced a lot of transphobia, goes stealth when she can, and has medically transitioned. However, they both respect each other’s trans journeys and acknowledge that even though they have different experiences, they are both still trans enough and 100% trans. Because transness isn’t a monolith, and there is no one way to be trans.

[lavenderedhoney]

Still wanting asks about taking t for an androgynous look? :3 if not just ignore me lol :3

I have been off and on T for a little over a year, and I've had a great experience! I wanted T for a long time but wasn't sure about it. But I got on it for different medical reasons and WOO I love it so much! I do injections, a 0.25ml dose (considered a smaller dose, like a starting dose or half dose).

I've got a couple dozen adorable chin hairs and a pale little fwuffy mustache thing going on (irrelevant to public presentation bc I always wear a mask) and my legs and thighs and butt cheeks have gotten adorably fluffier! My nipples have WAY better sensations during sex? Previously I didn't really even like them touched but now it's great. Unsure if they're more sensitive or less sensitive or just different, so I have no idea how it might change for other people. Oh!! AND t has made my whole boobs kinda...smaller??? Different density? They're different for sure. I can look semi-flat with a hoodie, and it's almost flatter looking without a bra underneath. A tight shirt under a jacket looks very androgynous, tho you can still see the shape of boobies because mine are medium/large sized. But I get gendered as a man and a woman looking like that so :3 idk what cis ppl see lol

The tdick is my favorite part!!! I literally can't even remember what it looked like before, my brain just kinda yeeted that information. I'm so in love with the tdick. Its been growing slowly but steadily this whole time. The first couple weeks had a LOT of growth, and then it's just been sliiiiiiightly changing a little more ever since. First it was mostly a change in sensitivity, but recently it's changed how pressure feels, and specifically feels better being stroked. It's definitely a little less sensitive, but in a good way? Pre-T, it was easy to feel like "okay that's too much sensory, it's unpleasant now," but I dont experience overwhelming sensations much (and when i do, its always specifically on the head, so i can just adjust how the hood/foreskin is positioned to fix it! It's neat!) so it's a welcome change for me! Its been fun to notice it change more and more! And of course it's gotten bigger. I think it's probably a great size to use for oral penetration but I haven't gotten to test that out lol. It seems like it tends to have a little growth spurt when I happen to stop and then restart t (usually bc Pharmacy Issues)? Unsure if that's just my imagination.

But yeah! The changes have been very slow but steady, and I've had lots of time to ponder how I feel about all of it and make sure I'm enjoying all the changes. And I do enjoy them all! I wasn't sure about some of them; but my feelings are very warm and giddy whenever I notice a new change.

I do worry about like, presenting in public. I get gendered as a man and a woman pretty regularly. Has it caused any issues? Well, maybe, but not much more than pre-T. My voice is still in a "gets seen as a woman" range but it has the *loveliest* velvety tone when I talk in a lower voice. I've gotten a surprising number of compliments on it! But as for visual presentation, I am very much in an Androgynous Range. I can do the transmasc-hoodie-and-shorts, pitch my voice lower, and pass as a guy (or sometimes strangers mistake me for a teenage boy which can be frustrating). But I can also pass a woman if I want, especially with a more feminine shirt or just by shifting my voice into the High Pitched Customer Service Range lol (though I also get mistaken for a teenage girl. Idk. I just have a younger looking face I guess) My curves have gotten smaller (hips, boobs, etc) which I THOUGHT I'd be sad about--but rather than feeling like I "lost" an attractive part of myself, i just feel like i swapped it for a different, equally attractive form 🥰

I hope this provides some of the data you were looking for, and thanks for the opportunity to ramble about my specific experience on HRT! I check this blog every so often (cos it's super cute) so if you wanted to ask any questions, id probably eventually see it!

Anyways have a good day!

-a nonbiney soft butch creature anon 💜🌸

Thank you thank you!! This is all really helpful. I don't want to pass as a man so I'm definitely going to take it slow but I'm really interested in seeing what T does to my body. Very curious to see how and where I bulk up muscle-wise because I'd LOVE some biceps and also I already have strong legs so it would be cute if they get even bigger. I won't hold my breath for a disguisable chest though lmao (I'm an F cup 😔).

[thebreakfastgenie]

🫐 - Are there ways you wish you could present yourself differently, but can’t?

Yes and no. I'm glad you asked this one because I think about this a lot! I would not call myself femme, or especially feminine. I don't participate in most feminine rituals. But I do wear dresses and skirts and stuff, and even when I don't, I read pretty feminine. The thing is, my body shape is just what it is. I'm 5', I have big hips, I have D cups. I also have long hair and while I would still read as a fairly feminine woman without it, it does add to the effect. I think I have feminine facial features, too.

Sometimes I wish I could experiment casually with androgyny. I don't think I would choose to be androgynous very often--I like bright colors and decorative styles that tend to read as feminine, at least in the west--but I would like to try it. Maybe choose it once in a while. I don't want to look particularly masculine and I definitely don't want to pass as a man, I just think moderately androgynous women are amazing and I'd like to try it out. And like, I'm not looking for tips. I don't want to put the level of work in that I would have to. And again, if I had a different body and could try out something else, I would probably still choose to present the way I present now most of the time. I like how I present, I just wonder about choices I don't really have.

I don't think of my body as something that is changeable or has certain customizable parts. That's me and my relationship with my body; I'm not prescribing that to anyone else. To me, I have the body that I have and I love the body that I have and I work with what I've got. It's no different to me than my hair; I have fine, somewhat thin hair, that just doesn't work for a lot of styles I like, especially shorter ones (especially because I can't stand daily product). It's okay! I wish I could wear my hair like that but I can't and it's genuinely fine. I wish I could be a little androgynous just to try it but I can't and it's fine.

I do want to wear men's clothes sometimes but two things hold me back. First, I either wear an extra small or petites in the women's section. Especially since I lost some weight. I like certain oversized items, but I don't like most of my clothes being oversized. It makes me feel like a little kid whose camp t-shirt doesn't fit and it also isn't physically comfortable a lot of the time; it doesn't stay in place and gets in the way. The second thing is I just don't see that many men's clothes that I like. If I ever find something from the men's department that I like the style and fit of I'll get it, but that's such a small selection it will never be a big part of my wardrobe. I like men's clothes conceptually (the idea of it is fun!) and I like the material a lot of them are made of but it doesn't work out for me much.

So yes, if I had a different body type there are different ways I would try presenting myself. I can't because of the body type I have. But I don't wish my body was different just so I could present myself differently.

[sqbr]

And this goes double for trans women. And, as kentsarrow said in her tags, WOC, disabled women etc also get "degendered" in ways that in no way lessen their experience of sexism.

I saw this on my dash, had that thought, then spent the next day thinking about how this sort of thing works for other sorts of trans people, before realising I hadn't actually reblogged it, and had to scroll through the blog I saw it on for a few pages to find it again.

I didn't even come to any neat conclusion. Certainly my own experience as an afab genderfluid person is that being called "woman(-like)" or "man(-like)", while always misgendering, can come from a wide variety of motives.

I've encountered plenty of people who just treat me like a woman as a straightforward expression of sexism and transphobia. But sometimes women treat me as "effectively another woman" in a way which is intended as a compliment and way of extending solidarity. It still feels bad but not in quite the same way.

And I have occasionally encountered their opposite, "feminists" who treat all afab trans people as "effectively men" in a very radical feminist "men are evil" way, yet may emphasise our 'feminine'/un-manly traits as a deliberately dysphoria inducing insult (we're trying to be men and not even doing a good job!). Meanwhile some trans men have treated me like a fellow man, genuinely intending it as a compliment and granting of status. Again, still feels bad, but not in the same way!

And I imagine there's a whole other mix of experiences for trans men, AMAB agender people etc. Hell even for cis people, "you're acting man-ish/woman-ish" can mean very different things. Back when I identified as a woman I had a few cis men compliment me on being Like A Man in the sense of being good at maths, not wearing makeup, having an enjoyably un-girly vibe etc. I knew they'd have despised me as mannish-in-a-bad-way if I wasn't still conventionally attractive, conciliatory, and feminine presenting, but I'm not sure they did. And plenty of women get put down for being too "girly".

Anyway! No neat conclusions but many thoughts! *passes on these thoughts to tumblr*

EDIT: Also, weirdly, I don't think I've ever had someone overtly call me mannish as an insult, even though I've spent the last ten years or so presenting androgynously while being visibly afab, increasingly fat, and sometimes in a wheelchair. I've seen it happen to other people, including feminine presenting cis women. But I just seem to consistently ping people as like... a harmlessly frumpy cis woman. Gender policing is inconsistent!

Bigots denying a woman her womanhood aren't actually granting her the status of "man" esp with all its attendant privileges.

Degendering is a form of dehumanization. The goal of misgendering/degendering a woman is generally to treat her as a disposable object, unworthy of even the conditional and dubious "protection" that women are supposedly due under patriarchy.

If they actually saw her as a man she wouldn't be targeted in these ways, and "man/manly/male" would never be spat at her like an insult.

[secrethread]

i gotta say tho i feel fucking great about my gender identity lol. when i first became aware of the existence of transgender as a kid i refused to allow myself to be that. then i started going thru puberty and experienced horrible gender dysphoria. Lol boy am i glad i'm not experiencing that anymore that was like some kind of traumatic torture haha, i was in hell 😭😂. but anyways that made it so i was at least aware of being transgender, but i still was really mad about it and ashamed, so i tried to be normal... not that hard like i still was presenting and acting as male as i could, even binding (to the best of my ability) and everything. but that was just to minimize my crippling and hellish dysphoria lol, like if i had acted femininely in any way at that time while i was also closeted and being treated as a girl, i would have killed myself lol. being feminine or looking feminine wasn't possible for me without a lot of mental pain, i couldn't even wear a normal bra without flying off the handle. Not that i do that now😂 but now i wouldn't flip i'd just be uncomfortable. but anyways at that time i was still refusing to accept myself as transgender, and i was not ever gonna come out unless i could move away, cut everyone off, and start fresh as 100% stealth. obviously not a great plan but i was like 13. i wouldn't even give myself a boy's name even though i would feel literal anguish at the sound of my birth name. anyways i was able to feel a lot better after i came out, and now that i pass i feel even better. i still feel dysphoria, but the more i pass and the more secure i feel as a man, the more it is alleviated. Now i'm sure some of my comfort with dysphoria is just because it's my normal, but it's WAYY better now than when i was younger. Now it's at a very normal and manageable level, just discomfort when i feel like some part of me isn't passing. I barely ever feel dysphoria when i'm alone. part of that is that i'm not going thru that sickening process of female puberty, which is just the worst body horror that makes u feel so powerless, and instead i'm on T and my body is actually changing in a way i like. most of my dysphoria now is about things i can't change right now cause finances and being busy af, like my breasts, genitals, and legal name & gender. but those are things i can completely hide in everyday life, so i feel relatively okay about it. and then there's stuff like my height that i can't change (without breaking my legs which i don't wanna do obviously...), mostly just my height really, that i just gotta accept. and stuff like not being built, or not being that handsome, i'm just normally insecure about like anybody else is, so i feel very unconcerned about those things 😂 especially since i'm not actually that bad off in those areas, just mid. if i was really ugly or if i was fat i'd be concerned, but i have a regular face and an average body. i'm lucky that my face is pretty androgynous and reads as masculine on me, if i has a notably feminine face i'd be mad lol. anyways thanks to being mostly free of dysphoria i feel very confident even though i'm not a chad alpha male at all. i'm just your average, if short, young man, and it feels really good to be that. i'm glad to have met a fair amount of cis guys who are my height, it makes me feel normal. i'm really glad i'm not incredibly short. Although i have considered wearing like 1 inch lifts to seem more normal... i'm just too lazy and i hate buying stuff. i'll try it at some point, i'm ngl i bet i'll like it 😂 it's definitely an embarrassing thing tho so i dunno if i'll really rock with it. could be worth it tho.

[merrock]

CHARACTER INFORMATION

face claim: Chella Man

full name: Harley Hua

nickname(s) / goes by: Harley

pronouns & gender: trans/genderqueer, he/him

sexuality: pansexual (and panromantic)

birth date: May 27th, 1999

birth place: Boston, MA

arrival to merrock: 2021

housing: Historical Downtown

occupation: Artist/instructor

work place: The Color Wine (teaches evening classes), From Brush to Canvas (tour guide)

family: Parents in Boston, brother who I may put in a wanted connection for! 

relationship status: single

PERSONALITY

Harley is a warm and friendly person, sometimes to a fault. He often will try to put other people before himself, as if their needs are more important. But at the same time, he's the most confident he's ever been in his life and for the first time, is comfortable advocating for himself. Growing up, he tried so hard to blend in but now he's so proud of all the different cultures and languages that make up who he is. Still, he can be a little too critical of himself, especially when it comes to nutrition/fitness and his own art. 

WRITTEN BY: Elle (she/her), est.

BACKGROUND / BIO

triggering / sensitive content: audism/ableism, transphobia, gender dysphoria

Harley grew up in Boston, MA, with his parents and his older brother. He was an active kid, involved with gymnastics and later cheerleading as well. He loved to swim and spent as much time as his parents would let him at the beach or the community pool.

Although Harley passed his hearing test as a baby, when he was in kindergarten he didn’t pass his screening at school. His parents took him to an audiologist and was diagnosed with mild hearing loss. A few months later, another test showed he was gradually losing his hearing. Technically it was Harley’s decision whether or not to get a cochlear implant. His parents never intentionally influenced him one way or another. But his doctors had advised his parents not to teach him sign language, insisting that without sign language he’d learn to read lips and would function much better around other hearing people. The problem was that Harley never really picked up lip reading anyways, so his only option to communicate with people was to get the cochlear implant. At first he hated it. Everyone sounded like Donald Duck and inanimate objects all sounded like those bad industrial rock songs his brother liked. He slowly got used to it and appreciated being able to hear his friends and family again, but he remembered what things were supposed to sound like so he never found himself satisfied with the quality of audio that came from his implant.

At the same time, puberty was not doing harley a lot of favors. He never cared too much about his body growing up; he wore the most androgynous clothing his mom would let him and made a face but sucked it up whenever he had to wear a leotard for gymnastics or put on his cheerleading uniform. As he entered middle school and made the cheerleading squad, there was suddenly a lot more pressure to look more feminine and fit in. Baggy tshirts were replaced by form fitting clothes, and his basketball shorts were regulated to nighttime wear in favor of skinny jeans and short skirts. After spending all of elementary school barely being able to communicate with the people around him, he wanted so badly to just fit in and feel like a ‘normal’ kid. He’d look at his own reflection and see a stereotypical teenage girl and while he could appreciate that she was beautiful, it felt like he was looking at someone else and not himself. He knew deep down that he wasn’t ‘her’, but he didn’t know what that meant or how to fix it.

After high school, Harley moved to New York to pursue a degree in illustration. His childhood dream had been to write a comic book, but drawing the pictures that would appear in childrens books was the next best thing and a more realistic way to make a living. His brother had also decided to go to new york for college, so they were soon living together again. He became involved in his school’s gender-sexuality alliance and soon learned about the transgender community. And suddenly a lot of things started to click. As he was figuring out his gender, his brother was extremely supportive. Once he had worked through everything and decided he wanted to transition and start going by Harley, his brother stood by him when he came out to their parents. But his parents’ reactions weren’t as warm. They still loved him - they made sure to tell him that - but they also insisted that this was just a phase. Considering they had been very accepting when he came out to them as bisexual (actually, pansexual, but he had told them he was ‘bi’ just because it was easier) a couple years before, this was not the reaction he had expected from them.

During Harley’s freshman year of college, he met another deaf student who introduced him to the local Deaf community. He kept going to events and even dated one of the guys he saw at a lot of events, which required him to learn ASL.

His plan after he graduated was to stay in New York and find work as an illustrator. But this turned out to be harder than he realized. He struggled to find good paying jobs, which meant he had to keep working as a bartender and just do art on the side. At the same time, he and his boyfriend broke up and his brother took a job in Missouri. So Harley decided that maybe it would be a good idea for him to leave the city as well. He didn't want to move back to Boston, so he applied to art-based jobs all over the northern East Coast and heard back from Merrock's The Color Wine. He had never imagined himself becoming an art instructor at a sip-and-paint type studio, but he figured it was at least a good start to get some real, adult experience in the art world.

Not long after moving to the small town, the museum had an opening for a tour guide and with his art degree from New York, Harley was a standout candidate for the position. He's been working both jobs part time, plus spends a lot of his free time at The Body Shop.

[satanfemme]

guess todays just a day to contemplate my lgbt identity but I'm once again thinking about the dissonance between how cis people view transmasculinity vs. my lived reality as a transmasculine person.

to me, the most striking example of this is how cis people ime only view transmascs as "masculine girls". androgynous tomboys, or butch women; a middleground where we're too masculine to be 'normal' girls yet too much of girls to be real men.

meanwhile my irl transexuality is basically the exact opposite... I pass as male, I go stealth as male in most medical and/or professional settings -- including my full time jobs -- so by no means could someone in good conscious try to argue that I'm not a man. to call me a girl in these situations would not only be laughably inaccurate, but also plainly misogynistic by denying to recognize the male privilege I'm given.

but at the same time, I'm simply not butch lol. I'm not spending hours in the mirror every morning trying to perfect my male "disguise". I'm not going around forcing my voice lower or manspreading on purpose or putting up any kind of stereotypical "act" to prove my gender either. don't get me wrong, I come across as something of a man with my facial hair, flat chest, etc. when my parents told me as a teen that I'd never pass nor be respected if I were trans, they were simply wrong. but frankly, I'm more feminine now than I EVER was as a kid. my hair is longer than ever, I wear more feminine jewelry and heavier make-up, ntm silk headscarfs, and I comfortably use more feminine labels for myself! etc etc etc!!! as for the way I act, I put minimal active effort into "passing" or into suppressing the feminine body language I was taught growing up. ffs I'm not even on T anymore, just my natural so-called-female hormone levels. my fat/bones have largely re-feminized. I've got a baby face and fat contrapposto hips lmao!!!!

so idk. I guess it's just endlessly novel to me. and I almost wish I could be even more blatantly transexual irl just so more cis people could feel confused/shocked by my existence, and so more trans/gnc people could be inspired...

I'm simply too feminine to be a normal man, yet too transmasculine to be a real girl.

[endobiologist]

Trans Guy Tips #5; Dressing Good

Today, we're going to talk about basic fashion, and some things trans guys specifically need to know when buying a new wardrobe.

Some of these rules can always be broken, it's your body and your choice what to put on it!

However, this is a guide for passing better, so feminine and androgynous looks will not be covered here, only the traditional masculine. I will most likely make a guide out on dressing that way later.

1. Match colors, but don't be afraid to throw in some accent detail colors! Usually when you think of fashion, you think of making everything match, however some things will go better with some contrast rather than plainly matching!

As long as it still has some similarity, it doesn't have to be the same.

The most basic rule you need to learn dressing as a man, is that you wear your belt to your shoes.

If your belt is brown, so should your shoes be.

If your belt is black, they should be black.

Usually most fashion rules can be broken, but this one seems to be very important, as it can throw off the whole appearance of an outfit to have mismatching shoes and belt.

2. Use what I call the finger trick.

When selecting a shirt, specifically a dress shirt, put your fingers in the collar between your neck and the collar.

If you can comfortably fit two or even maybe barely three fingers in there, then that's a perfect fit shirt around your neck.

If you can fit four or more fingers, it's loose and will make you look baggy and overweight.

If you can fit only one, or feel any pressure on your throat, you need a looser shirt because it's too tight.

3. Somewhat similar, but when buying pants, this may be the most important thing of all.

If you get the right set of pants, it can disguise even the biggest of curves.

You want to get what's known as a straight-leg jean pant, you can make it a cargo pant if you wish, either one looks very masculine and good.

I would usually recommend bootcut pants if you wear longer shoes, like boots, or combat boots, or anything you need to tuck the jeans into.

Always get pants that don't feel constricting, and always get them where they fit comfortably with a belt, but don't need a belt due to fitting good already.

But straight-leg type is so important to go for, it's one of the things that makes a boxy figure like a cis man's.

4. I'm not sure if this is obvious or may come as a surprise to some people, but even if you like dressing femininely, if you wish to pass, I would suggest always shopping in the men's section.

They have shirts and pants and everything else under the sun that shaped specifically for men's bodies, making yours look even more like a cis man's, which is very gender affirming. Also women's jeans are made to support the butt and make you look feminine and curvy, while men's are designed to be straight, boxy, and comfortable, usually with deep pockets too!

5. Similar to the matching rule before, you can match a busy pattern shirt with a plain pair of pants, or busy pattern and pants with a plain shirt. However if you put too many busy patterns, or too much plainness, either way makes you look not as good.

Try to balance the detail with the simplicity.

6. Overall the most masculine thing you can wear especially pre-t, is either a formal or casual suit.

You can even wear just a dress shirt with a tie or bow tie, with some dress shoes and pants, and you're good!

This just generally makes you look super masculine and it's hard to mistake.

7. if you're like me, where you like to dress flamboyantly, but you're also super dysphoric about it, wait until you get testosterone therapy.

If you end up having it and you start seeing positive effects before dressing femininely, it's great!

I did this and now I feel totally comfortable with it, as no one ever misunderstands me even if I wear the most feminine things ever.

So if you're going on t, feel free to dress more extravagantly during because you will pass even so!

8. Another way to check shirts that are long sleeved, particularly dress shirts, is to tuck it in like usual, and then lift up your arms really high like you're reaching for something.

If it untucks or lifts the fabric in an unflattering way where your armpits look huge, it's cut wrong and is not something you should buy.

9. This may be surprising to some, but yes, cis men will wear feminine designs on masculine outfits.

I can't count the number of times I've seen men wearing bright pink suits. Other times there's been crop tops, painted nails, hair done, everything.

So if you really like that button up with the flowers on it, but are feeling hesitant due to the feeling that people might judge you, don't worry!

Maybe some will, but a lot of people wear unique clothing, and no one will be as bad as what your thoughts say to you.

10. I have somewhat of a warning, as good and fun they are, t-shirts can be very revealing when it comes to showing your chest, even through your binder! Something about them isn't cut quite right, even if they come from the manliest man's site or store.

If you still wish to wear t-shirts like I do, I would recommend getting a short-sleeved or long-sleeved Dickies button up jacket/shirt that you wear open over it. Or any jacket thing, really. This covers your chest completely and negates that effect.

11. This is sort of more hygiene base but still has to do with getting dressed. Always use men's soap, and men's cologne, and men's essential oils, and men's lotion, if you have them.

Also use some aftershave, it's helpful if it has lotion mixed in and moisturizes as well.

You can even shave even if you're pre-t, due to it making a clean feeling due to there being no feminine peach fuzz on it. This can help support dysphoria relief, as well because it feels like you're shaving a beard, at least until it comes in.

When your moustache and beard do come in from testosterone, if you take it, make sure to oil it lightly with natural oils like argan oil or coconut oil, the stimulates hair growth and follicle health.

And I would recommend shaving just once as it starts developing, so it develops thicker, stronger, and more handsome.

12. If you're planning on going on t, buy at least some of your clothing a size or a few sizes up, or getting a duplicate that's larger.

You will grow, so if you buy all your clothing in a smaller size, you'll probably end up unable to use any of it.

13. Always position your belt buckle in the center of your stomach, the way you can tell if it's positioned right is if it lines up with the buttons of your button up perfectly.

14. When wearing a suit try to always keep the bottomless button unbuttoned. That button isn't actually there to be used, it's meant to be unbuttoned and it makes it look so much better.

The reason it looks so much better is because it makes it flattering and thinning. If you button all the buttons, it will make you look heavy due to it tightening around your waist and stomach.

15. You should always have at least two pairs of dress shoes. one pair that's black, and one pair that's brown. Same with belts. It's also recommended for summer that you keep one pair of masculine flip flops or sandals or sneakers around.

16. This is more of a suggestion than anything, however it's manly as fuck, and people love it.

If you carry a work knife, a pocket watch, a small portable multitool, and a handkerchief.

Possibly even a pen and small notepad with you at all times.

This may seem odd at first, but it's what men used to do constantly in the older days.

These items can come in very useful. A work knife can open packages, open letters, be used in place of scissors occasionally, and even used to defend yourself and others.

A pocket watch is just fancy and shows you're always trying to be on time.

A multi-tool shows you're ready for any task, and it can be a lifesaver in many situations!

Meanwhile a handkerchief is important, because if you ever come across someone crying, or someone wounded, you can lend them or give them your handkerchief, which is a very gentlemanly thing to do, and it can help you pass better, as well as it just being a kind thing to do for someone.

The pen and small notepad is always good to carry on you regardless of any gender, due to you needing to write things down often.

17. Ironically, although socks with sandals seems to be a fashion 'no-no' to most people, I quite like them, and it seems like I pass better with them.

Men tend to wear those slip-on flip flop things, and when you wear socks with it it makes you look very masculine, even if it may look silly to some.

Personally I like it a lot.

18. If you do wish to do makeup & nails, I would suggest doing it as black and gothic as possible, as that's the most common style guys do it as, and if you do it in a certain way, it can come out looking way masculine.

And that concludes my fifth part of this Trans Guy Tips series!

Thank you for reading, and I hope anything I said helped!