#or something it like combines things in a certain way to regulate the flow of whatever

[thanatoseyes]

Me: so afraid of my own psyche that I don't take any drug other than caffeine and alcohol.

Internet/Acquaintances: You should try it at least once.

[fortunatelyfresco]

A Holistic Integration of Type 1 Narcolepsy into the Reading of Moist von Lipwig

Literary Interpretation, Disability, and Finding Yourself Between the Lines

As it goes, "I wrote this for me, but you can read it if you want." It might be a fun ride for anyone who is very interested in Moist von Lipwig, or narcolepsy, or both, and/or anyone who enjoys collecting small details from within a body of work and arranging them into threads that are supportable by the text, without being actually suggested by it.

Personally, I find it very interesting to read the meta behind different headcanons, and see how creators can unintentionally write a character who fits certain criteria. There are only so many traits, after all, and some of them tend to travel in groups! Humans are pattern seekers, etc etc.

The first step of reading Moist von Lipwig as narcoleptic is wanting to read Moist von Lipwig as narcoleptic. Being narcoleptic myself and relating heavily to Moist, this step was very easy. I invite you to take my hand and come along, at least briefly, if you were interested enough to click the readmore.

Once you have taken that step, things start falling into place. At least they do if you're intimately familiar with narcolepsy, or if you first learn about it in detail through, for instance, a Tumblr post with an agenda :)

I'll break this down symptom by symptom, citing only the ones I both have personal experience with and see textual support for.

I'll be using OverDrive's search function to catalogue "evidence" in (the American editions of) Going Postal, Making Money, and Raising Steam, so I might miss passages that don't use certain keywords.

Please take any statements along the lines of "being narcoleptic means X" with a huge grain of salt. Sometimes it's just more succinct. Narcolepsy can manifest in many different ways, and is still being actively studied. Don't base your entire understanding of it on a fandom essay I wrote to cope with the crushing pressures of capitalism. I have not even fully read the scientific studies linked here as sources.

Here we go! Spoilers abound.

I. Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS) and sleep attacks.

Being narcoleptic means (salt now, please) that your brain does not get adequate rest while you sleep, no matter how much you sleep. This is because of a disturbance in the order and length of REM and NREM sleep phases. This leads to constant exhaustion. Some sources describe narcoleptic EDS as "comparable to [the sleepiness] experienced by a healthy individual who has been sleep-deprived continuously for 48–72 hours."

(Source.)

Sleep attacks can come on gradually or suddenly. In my case, I become irritable and easily overwhelmed, and nothing matters except finding a place to lie down. A more severe attack, under the right circumstances, can put me to sleep while I'm actively trying to stay awake and engaged.

Moist refers to 6:45 am as "still nighttime." He is "allergic to the concept of two seven o'clocks in one day" and is "not good at early mornings," and the narration even cites this as "one of the advantages of a life of crime; you didn't have to get up until other people had got the streets aired."

In Going Postal, he repeatedly falls asleep at his desk. I can only find two instances, but the first one describes it as having happened "again," so it happens at least three times over the course of one week. Both of the times I found were after Mr. Pump cleared his apartment, giving him access to a bed, and I can't find any reference to the fire destroying it—just that his office is "missing the whole of one wall." His presumably wooden desk is still intact, even, just "charred."

There's also no build-up either time. No direct narration of the time right before he falls asleep, just retroactive accounting for it.

Which is primarily a function of stories not showing us every boring second, and secondarily one of the smaller ways we're shown Moist being overwhelmed and racing to keep up with himself, but tertiarily it's a great set dressing if you've already decided he's narcoleptic. Sometimes sleep is just a thing that happens, without any deliberate transition. Sometimes you sit down to catch your breath or get some paperwork done, and wake up several hours later.

I've found only one example in GP of Moist waking up in his actual bed at the post office: the morning after being possessed by all the undelivered letters. Presumably either they put him there, or Mr. Pump did.

There are two points in Making Money where Moist, in an effort to be a comforting and/or guiding hand, advises people to get some sleep. First Owlswick Jenkins, and then one of the clerks (Robert) who is worried about Mr. Bent.

I take the optimistic view that this is Moist genuinely caring about these people, not just trying to get them to do what he wants. He has always done some combination of those things (GP opens with him having befriended his jailers, after all), but there's definitely a thread of him learning to treat both himself and those around him more like real people. (See also.)

Looking at this thread through narcolepsy-colored lenses, you get Moist perhaps drawing from his own experiences in an effort to be helpful. In Owlswick or Robert's position, what is something he would want to hear from the man currently in charge of his fate, or at least his job? "Get some sleep."

If we accept this as a pattern, it culminates in Raising Steam, when Moist starts to worry about "Dick Simnel and his band of overworked engineers," fixating particularly on their lack of sleep.

What sleep they got was in sleeping bags, curled up on carriage seats, eating but not eating well, just driven by their watches and their desire to keep the train going.

[...]

"People are going to die if we push them any further," he said to Dick. "You lot would rather work than sleep!"

[...]

The young man swayed in front of him and Moist's tone became gentle. "And I see now that part of my job is to tell you that you need some rest. You've run out of steam, Dick. Look, we're well on the way to Uberwald now, and while it's daylight and we're out of the mountains it's going to be the least risky time to run with minimum crew. We're all going to need our wits about us when we get near the pass. Surely you can take some rest?"

Simnel blinked as if he'd not seen Moist the first time, and said, "Yes, you're right."

And Moist could hear the slurring in the young man's speech, caught him before he fell and dragged him into a sleeping compartment, put him to bed, and noted that the engineer didn't so much fall asleep as somehow flow into it.

Moist then recruits Vimes to help him talk the rest of the engineers into getting some rest. The two of them briefly commiserate about people not realizing how important it is.

"I have to teach that to young coppers. Treasure a night's rest, I always say. Take a nap whenever you can."

"Very good."

II. Insomnia.

This is a lesser-known but very common symptom of narcolepsy. Or a comorbidity, depending on how you look at it. It seems counterintuitive if narcolepsy has been presented to you as "sleeping all the time," but it makes sense once you know it's really a matter of disruption in the brain's ability to regulate sleep cycles.

The case for this symptom is flimsier, and I fully admit I'm just reading my own experience into it. But here are two excerpts from Going Postal that I find quite suitable for my sleepy agenda:

1. "A man of affairs such as he had to learn to sleep in all kinds of situations, often while mobs were looking for him a wall's thickness away."

I latched hard onto this detail the first time I read GP.

At my worst, I could not get more than a couple hours of sleep in my bed. I kept taking naps in the bath because it was one of the few places I could sleep. It seemed to fulfill some of the criteria (isolation, temperature control, etc) that my brain demanded in exchange for playing nice.

We're told over and over again, throughout Moist's books, that he functions best under pressure.

(Brief aside: This is often cited as a reason to interpret Moist as having ADHD, which I'm also fully on board with. Not coincidentally, narcolepsy and ADHD share a few symptoms, have a notable comorbidity rate, and are treated with some of the same medications. Source.)

So again, if you're already inclined to read Moist as narcoleptic, the following is an easy jump:

"Moist thinks he's good at sleeping in strange places under strange circumstances. This is because A) his basis for comparison is a disordered attempt to sleep in normal places under normal circumstances, B) something about danger satisfies his brain into running more smoothly, and C) he's a resourceful person who is 'not given to introspection,' and so is less likely to wonder why his body demands sleep at strange times and more likely to focus on finding a place for that sleep to happen, and chalk this up later as a skill."

And returning briefly to EDS: Why would someone like Moist waste time finding a safe place to sleep while people are actively trying to kill him? At the beginning of GP, he leaves Vetinari's office and immediately goes on the run. In multiple books, when he feels threatened, his brain instinctively launches into complex escape plans. We see him successfully blend into an Ankh-Morpork crowd at least once after becoming a public figure.

So why bother? After all, a safe place to sleep is also a safe place to change clothes, or at least remove whatever distinguishing features he's given himself. Why wouldn't he just become someone else and leave town immediately?

The obvious answer is that sometimes things just happen, and an author doesn't need to know or explain every single detail of a character's past.

I would suggest, though, that one of those things might be Moist reaching a point where sleep is just not optional. A point where he not only doesn't, but can't, care about anything else. Where he is too tired to think straight, too tired to talk his way out of trouble, too tired to even contemplate the long journey from one town to the next.

2. "Moist knew he ought to get some sleep, but he had to be there, too, alive and sparkling."

Sometimes (especially in combination with underlying mental health issues) narcoleptic sleep deprivation can bypass everything I've described so far, and lead straight into a manic state. You won't necessarily find that on Google, but it's been my experience.

That's obviously not what the text is implying. "Alive and sparkling" is just a very relatable description. And we do often see Moist getting away from himself, speaking without thinking, making absurd promises that he justifies immediately afterwards as Just Part Of Being Him, always raising the stakes.

And here are a couple of excerpts from Raising Steam that could be interpreted as Moist being a light sleeper, AKA struggling to get deep sleep:

1. "And slowly Moist shut down, although a part of him was always listening to the rhythm of the rails, listening in his sleep, like a sailor listening to the sounds of the sea."

2. "All Moist's life he'd managed to find a way of sleeping in just about every circumstance and, besides, the guard's van was somehow the hub of the train; and although he didn't know how he did it, he always managed to sleep with half of one ear open."

Moist is exactly the kind of opportunist to see that as a useful tool, isn't he?

III. Hypnagogic and Hypnopompic Hallucinations.

These are hallucinations that come on as you're falling asleep or waking up. They can also happen during REM intrusions while you're awake. My most memorable ones include piano notes, someone calling my name, being trapped in the waves of a large body of water, and a huge truck going over a guard rail and tumbling down a hill. These are often, but not always, accompanied by sleep paralysis (and sleep paralysis is often, but not always, accompanied by hallucinations).

In GP, Moist casually cites his own hallucinations as proof that what is happening at the post office is not one.

"They're all alive! And angry! They talk! It was not a hallucination! I've had hallucinations and they don't hurt!"

Obviously that's not true for everyone, but it's true for Moist, and he has enough experience that he immediately recognizes the difference.

At one point while awake, Moist "[snaps] out of a dream of chandeliers" to realize someone has approached him to talk, while he was busy having visions of what the post office used to look like/could look like again.

Now, that's cheating, because we're probably supposed to assume it's a side effect of being possessed, but... I'm putting it here anyway.

There is also perhaps a case to be made for the tendency of Moist's internal monologue to lapse into extremely specific and prolonged hypotheticals. The lines between hallucinations, waking dreams, and "regular" daydreams have always been very blurry to me. I'm especially curious about the example at the end of Going Postal, which goes like this:

"Look, I know what I'm like," he said. "I'm not the person everyone thinks I am. I just wanted to prove to myself I'm not like Gilt. More than a hammer, you understand? But I'm still a fraud by trade. I thought you knew that. I can fake sincerity so well that even I can't tell. I mess with people's heads—"

"You're fooling no one but yourself," said Miss Dearheart, and reached for his hand.

Moist shook her off, and ran out of the building, out of the city, and back to his old life, or lives, always moving on, selling glass as diamond, but somehow it just didn't seem to work anymore, the flair wasn't there, the fun had dropped out of it, even the cards didn't seem to work for him, the money ran out, and one winter in some inn that was no more than a slum he turned his face to the wall—

And an angel appeared.

"What just happened?" said Miss Dearheart.

Perhaps you do get two...

"Only a passing thought," said Moist.

In-universe... what is Adora reacting to? What did just happen? The fact that these incidents are not isolated to Going Postal is a point against it being some sort of literal timeline divergence caused by The Spirit Of The Post.

So maybe Moist visibly zoned out. Maybe he had some kind of minor but noticeable cataplexy attack (more on those later) as part of a REM intrusion, brought on by the intense emotions he's currently struggling with.

IV. Vivid Dreams.

Again, at least some of this is probably supposed to be part of the possession, but I've been professionally projecting myself onto the surreal dreams of magically afflicted characters for years. Do try this at home.

1. "Moist dreamed of bottled wizards, all shouting his name. In the best tradition of awaking from a nightmare, the voices gradually became one voice, which turned out to be the voice of Mr. Pump, who was shaking him."

2. Moist is uneasy about the Smoking Gnu's plan, and then he has an extremely detailed dream about the Grand Trunk burning down.

This culminates in "Moist awoke, the Grand Trunk burning in his head," followed by a paragraph of him thinking things through and starting to form his own alternative plan, followed immediately by "Moist awoke. He was at his desk, and someone had put a pillow under his head."

So he fell asleep at his desk, woke up from a vivid nightmare, was awake just long enough for a coherent train of thought, and then passed back out. Which once again is not "proof" of anything, but fits the predetermined interpretation like a glove.

V. Cataplexy.

Cataplexy is a sudden loss of muscle control, usually triggered by strong emotions. This is thought to be a facet of REM intrusion—waking instances of the atonia that is meant to stop us from acting out our dreams.

The most well-known manifestation is laughter making your knees buckle, but it's not always that severe. My own attacks range from facial twitching, usually when I'm angry or otherwise extremely upset, to all-over weakness/immobilization and near-collapse when I laugh. My knees have fully buckled once or twice.

This is the biggest stretch. This is the one that is absolutely only there if you've already decided to read entire novels between the lines. It's also not even necessary for the broader headcanon; plenty of people have narcolepsy without cataplexy (or such mild cataplexy that it's never noticeable, or very delayed onset, etc).

However. I am doing this for fun. So I want him to have it. It's also become a major part of how I imagine Moist engaging with emotion, and I'd like to make a case for that.

There are a few scattered references to Moist's legs shaking, or being unsteady, or outright giving way, but there's usually an external physical reason, and/or enough psychological shock to justify it without a medical condition.

The most compelling example I've found so far comes from Moist and Adora's conversation about people expecting Moist to deliver letters to the gods.

"I never promised to—"

"You promised to when you sold them the stamps!"

Moist almost fell off his chair. She'd wielded the sentence like a fist.

"And it'll give them hope," she added, rather more quietly.

"False hope," said Moist, struggling upright.

"Almost fell off his chair" at first sounds like casual hyperbole, but then "struggling upright" implies it was a bit more literal. It's also an accurate description of me recovering from my more severe attacks, supporting myself on a wall or my spouse, or pushing myself up if I've fallen over in bed.

That happens to me multiple times per day, by the way. It doesn't bother me, and I didn't realize there was anything unusual about it for a long time. I barely think about it, except to fondly note that my spouse is good at making me laugh.

Which is to say, even severe cataplexy is not always noticeable or debilitating. Sometimes it absolutely is! It can be downright dangerous, depending on where you are, what you're doing, and whether you have any other conditions it might exacerbate. I don't want to undermine that.

I am just hell-bent on justifying the idea that this fictional character could have repeated attacks throughout the canonical narrative that are so routine they don't merit an explanation, or even a description. Especially for someone who is used to hiding his few distinguishing features behind false ones that are much more memorable. (See also.)

(That link goes to my own fanfic. Sorry.)

On the milder side, between Going Postal and Making Money, there are three instances of Moist's mouth "dropping open" when he's shocked, upset, confused, or some combination of the three. This is the kind of thing that shows up a lot in fiction, but rarely happens so literally in real life.

(There's technically a fourth instance, but I'm not counting it because it seems to be a deliberate choice on his part to convey surprise.)

And then there's laughter. Or rather, there isn't. I could be missing something, but I've searched all three books for instances of laughter and various synonyms (not counting spoken "Ha!"s), and what I've come up with is:

Moist laughs once in Going Postal, when he receives the assignment for the race to Genua.

Two packages were handed over. Moist undid his, and burst out laughing.

There's also an instance earlier in the book where Moist nearly "burst[s] out laughing."

I find the specifics here interesting, and, for our purposes, fortuitous. Cataplexy is complicated and presents differently for everyone. In my case, when laughter triggers an attack, one of the effects (which is sometimes also a cause) is that I laugh very hard, with little or no control. "Burst out laughing" is quite apt.

Let's move on to Making Money, and start with a quick tangent:

Mr. Bent explains that he has no sense of humor due to a medical condition, and that he isn't upset about this and doesn't understand why people feel sorry for him.

Moist immediately starts in with "Have you tried—" before getting cut off by the frustrated Bent.

Out-of-universe, "Have you tried" is such a well-known refrain to anyone with an incurable condition, I'm not at all surprised to find it in a book written by someone who had at least begun the process that would lead to a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer's. And Pratchett has certainly never shied away from portraying ignorance in his protagonists.

In-universe, it feels a little odd. Moist's tongue runs away from him all the time, but usually in the form of making ridiculous claims or impossible promises. Moist's entire stock-in-trade is People Skills, and it feels strange for him to make this kind of mistake immediately after being told Mr. Bent is not looking for solutions.

But if one were reading with, for instance, the idea in mind that Moist himself has an incurable condition related to laughter and is enthusiastic about, but still relatively new to, the practice of drawing on his own experiences to help people... it is easy to imagine the gears in his head turning the wrong way, superimposing those experiences over the tail end of Mr. Bent's explanation. Disabled people are not immune to these well-meaning pitfalls.

There is another Mr. Bent moment that I want to discuss, but we'll circle back around to it later.

I found two instances of Moist himself laughing in MM.

1. "He said it with a laugh, to lighten the mood a little."

This is deliberate laughter, employed as a social tactic. A polite chuckle, probably. Not the sort of thing that generally triggers cataplexy.

2. "Moist started to laugh, and stopped at the sight of her grave expression."

The first and only involuntary laugh in MM. It doesn't always trigger attacks...

Which brings us to Raising Steam. Compared to the first two books, Moist laughs a lot here. I count nine instances. Two of them are "burst out laughing"s, a couple include him as part of a group, some of it comes off as deliberate, and some of it doesn't.

I've always seen a lot of... rage in Raising Steam. Combing through it for laughter, I realized Moist's emotions in general are much closer to the surface here, and he's much less concerned about letting people see them. He laughs with friends and acquaintances, he cries in front of strangers, he shouts at Harry King, he has that entire conversation with Dick that boils down to "I'm very worried about you," etc.

Opinions vary wildly and sharply on Raising Steam. I have my own hangups with it, as I do with most books in the series. (Every time I make a new Discworld post, Tumblr passive-aggressively suggests the tag "my kingdom for a discworld character who is normal about women and other species.")

But I like this particular change in Moist, and I choose to see it as character development. He's trading in the professional detachment of a conman for the ability to grow into himself as a person and make meaningful connections.

So, what does that have to do with cataplexy? A lot.

I don't want to get too maudlin, so I'll just say I have plenty of personal experience with emotional repression masking cataplexy symptoms. And so, I believe, does the version of Moist we've put together over the course of this post.

Which brings us back to Making Money, and Mr. Bent. He says something about Moist that I find very interesting: "I do not trust those who laugh too easily."

Unless I've missed something, at that point in the book, Moist has never actually laughed in front of him. And Mr. Bent is a man who pays very close attention to details.

So, what is the in-universe explanation for this? I'd like to propose that Moist is very skilled at seeming to laugh, without actually laughing. He smiles, he's friendly, and he makes other people laugh, which is another thing Bent dislikes about him. He gives the impression of being someone who laughs a lot. (He certainly left that impression on me; I was very surprised by the lack of examples in the first two books.)

Even staying strictly within the bounds of canon, it's easy to imagine why this might have become part of Moist's camouflage in his previous life. He wasn't looking to get attached to anyone, and he didn't want anyone getting inside his head. Engaging with people genuinely enough to laugh at their jokes would run counter to both of those things, but some of his personas still needed to come off as friendly and sociable.

Still working within the canon, it makes sense to assume he's similarly distanced himself from emotion in general. He sits in a cell for several weeks without truly believing he's going to die. He's bewildered when Mr. Pump points out that his schemes have hurt innocent people. He has no idea what to do with his feelings for Adora. Etc.

Interpreting Moist as having cataplexy adds an extra element of danger. Moist thrives on danger, but there's a difference between the thrill of a con and the threat of sudden, uncontrollable displays of vulnerability. And so it becomes even easier to see him stifling his own emotional capacity.*

We meet Moist at a moment of great upheaval. He is forcibly removed from his cocoon of false identities, and pushed out into the world as himself. And we are shown and told throughout Going Postal that he does not know how to be himself. (See also.)

He is repeatedly stymied by his own emotions. He gets tongue-tied and confused around Adora, he snaps at Mr. Pump, he lashes out at Mr. Groat, he gets lost in school flashbacks when he meets Miss Maccalariat. This thread continues in Making Money, where the sudden reappearance of Cribbins immediately rattles him into making an uncharacteristic mistake.

I called him Cribbins! Just then! I called him Cribbins! Did he tell me his name? Did he notice? He must have noticed!

Later in the same book, Moist misses a crucial opportunity to run damage control on the bank's public image... because he's excited to see Adora.

The Moist of GP and MM is not used to feeling things so deeply. It throws him off his game. I'm not at all suggesting cataplexy is the only (or even primary) reason for that, but I do think there's room for it on both sides of the cause and effect equation.

With or without the cataplexy, I find Moist's relative emotional openness in Raising Steam... really nice. (It's a work in progress. He's still getting a handle on anger.)

Cataplexy just adds another dimension. A physical manifestation of emotional vulnerability, which would have been especially untenable for a teenager on the run. Just one more facet of the real, human, fallible Moist von Lipwig who spent years buried beneath Albert Spangler and all the rest.

Another piece of himself that Moist is growing to understand and accept, as he learns to more comfortably be himself.

The Moist of Going Postal runs into a burning building to save lives without fully understanding why he wants to, and justifies it on the fly as an essential part of the role he's trying to play.

The Moist of Raising Steam mindlessly throws himself under a train to save two children, and then blows up at Harry King about the lack of safety regulations. Freshly traumatized by the murder of several railway workers and his own violent, vengeful response to it, he still offers, in the face of Harry's own grief, to be the one to inform their families. On a long and dangerous journey with plenty of moving parts to think about, he worries about Dick Simnel and the other engineers, and pushes them to take better care of themselves.

He also meets a bunch of kids who nearly derailed a train as part of a childish scheme. His admonishment is startlingly vivid.

"Can you imagine a railway accident? The screaming of the rails and the people inside and the explosion that scythes the countryside around when the boiler bursts? And you, little girl, and your little friends, would have done all that. Killed a trainload of people."

[...]

"I'll square this with the engine driver, but if I was you I'd get my pencil and turn any clever ideas you have like this into a book or two. Those penny dreadfuls are all the rage in the railway bookshops."

Maybe what he is also saying, between the lines, is:

I left home at 14 and began a life of smoke and mirrors. I was empty inside, and I thought everyone else was, too. It was all fun and games, and then a man made of clay told me I was killing people. Nip it in the bud, child. Write books.

------------

*There are studies suggesting that in addition to deliberately employed "tricks," people with cataplexy may experience physiological reactions in the brain meant to inhibit laughter. (Source 1, Source 2.)

Most of the information here is way over my head, but that second link also says "one region of the brain called the zona incerta (meaning 'zone of uncertainty') was only activated during laughter in people with narcolepsy, not in controls. Research on the zona incerta in animals suggests that it also helps to control fear-associated behavior."

The linked article about that (https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-018-03581-6) is also over my head, but I would certainly describe Moist von Lipwig as having unusual fear responses.**

**Narcolepsy is a fun roller-coaster ride of constant scientific discoveries about exactly which parts of your brain are paying too much attention, not paying enough attention, or trying to eat each other.

[nikasholistic]

How do we change our subconscious belief systems? Ik it takes time, patience and self-awareness to reprogram ourselves, to tear out the destructive and self-sabotaging habits/thought patterns/(in)actions, to replace them with the right things that'll allow us to live the life we deserve

How do we actually do that?

There's such an info overload on the net. Who do I trust? What actually works? I really want to change, but I keep relapsing, then I give up, then as I realise I've spiralled, I get desperate, then I re-try... Then the cycle repeats

I have deep-rooted issues - no doubt that's why anything I try doesn't stick (plus mostly, what can I do when a part of me itself doesn't care about 'changing'? My desire to change < Convincing power of that part). It's unbearable, sometimes. Other times, when I wake up, I conveniently completely forget I was doing a particular method (eg I find myself working on affirmations for up to a week, then the next day somehow I don't even remember doing this (or I magically lose the paper I'd written them on), and it takes a while before I recall what I was working on). Extremely frustrating. Especially since it took me a while to identify these sly tricks of the SC mind (and it was a real aha moment when I looked back and saw this pattern snaking back into my past)

Ah these SC beliefs. It's so insane how powerful they can be. Ik some part of me is scared sick of me changing and getting rid of the old (90%+ self-destructive) me. Idk how to battle myself when it seems so natural for me to fall into these quicksand traps. Idk if you've experienced this. It's been some months now and it's not getting easier

Ever since I've 'woken up', I realise how rotten my current reality is, and the consequences of my poor thinking/feeling in the past. But I accept that. It's just: what if everything keeps going like this, and eventually leads to the same future? An unfulfilled, lackadaisical existence. I'm terrified of that. As if I'm in the passenger seat of a crashing car. The worst is when opportunities do knock (coz of some successful deliberate LOA practices), and I find myself unable to step up. Deep fear, hidden guilt, major lack of trust in myself have led to this. Phases of darkness during my developing years haven't helped either. As time passes, and the above cycle repeats, I become aware of more (long-buried) twisted beliefs and distorted concepts of my 'worth' and 'future'. It's frightening what monsters have been hiding under the bed. I feel helpless and alone

If I really force myself to challenge some beliefs, say, I end up 'researching' instead, and we all know endlessly consuming content (articles, 'self-help' books, YT 'coaches') is nice and all, but it ain't worth nothing without application

And application is where I fail

The only thing that's changed is I've become self-aware (say, half of the time) in realising when I'm falling prey to the 'destructive' beliefs. Again, it's not much use when I still give in (except now with added guilt at the back of my mind). But no, I do admit it's an achievement! I'm more aware of my thoughts too (as opposed to never realising what damage I was doing to myself by self-inflicting pain via thoughts for so many years)

Can I change? How would you go about turning your life around, from within, if you were in my place?

You inspire me so much. I hope you can give me some advice. I need help like you would help a child - Leading by the hand

What do I do, henceforth, to start rebuilding the foundations of my mind? (SC belief system)

Love you ❤️

And apologies for the long ask but I had to get it out of my chest instead of letting the helplessness grow unchecked. Any help would be appreciated eternally

Thank you for opening up, sometimes we just have to allow the words to flow✨

First of all, I would highly recommend Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself. Because this is what you have to do in order to establish a new belief system, you have to break the habit of being yourself and thus let go of the past self. Dispenza shows you how to do this.

What I’ve personally learned from his books, and from other materials, is that establishing a new belief system is never an immediate thing, and you have to be very patient. You also have to be prepared for setbacks and be willing to rise above them.

I think you’re in some kind of loop with your current belief system. We have between 60-70 000 thoughts a day. 95% of these thoughts are unconscious thoughts. 90% of the thoughts you have today are the same thoughts you had yesterday. You’re running on autopilot, and the key is to establish a new program.

You change your belief system through repetition and turning disempowering beliefs into empowering beliefs. Shadow work is essential here because first, you have to understand the root of particular thoughts, and then change this root and create more empowering beliefs. You say you’re afraid of certain beliefs you uphold, and you don’t have to. You can heal them and let them go. 

Since the subconscious mind is like a computer, you have to establish a new program, and you do this by repetition. Affirmations are essential here. I’ve got a post about affirmations, you can read it here, I would highly recommend combining some of the techniques I presented there. I really think that affirmations are the best and the most effective way to reprogram your mind; you're already programming your mind with certain affirmations, but these affirmations are full of fear and uncertainty. Time for the new, conscious ones.

However, the most important part of changing your belief system is commitment. Why? Because the moment you decide to change, your ego will do everything to prevent you from attaining change. Your ego’s job is to protect you, and it does so by keeping you in a familiar situation, even if this situation doesn't serve you. Your ego is afraid of the unknown, however, the only way to establish a new belief system and thus a new reality is to willingly step into the unknown. You say you’re afraid of letting go of your old self, but it’s just your ego trying to be in control. You can let go of your past self. Your past self has nothing to offer you anymore. 

You have to become very conscious of your habits. Maybe change your routine a little bit? Stop doing certain things on autopilot, and find new ways of doing them. It’s connected with something called neuroplasticity, Dr. Joe Dispenza explains it very well in the book I’ve mentioned. 

It usually takes about 30-90 days of consistent work to establish a new belief system. That’s why you have to stay committed. You have to be prepared for a little battle with your past self and past belief system. You have to be prepared for the fact that you might want to come back to your old thinking patterns, and the moment you do this, it’s time to self-regulate. It’s time to switch your thinking and your emotions. Whenever you do this, you become a conscious designer of your reality and you stop allowing life to happen to you.

Hope that this was helpful. I know that you can do this, it takes time, but eventually, you’ll master your thoughts. 

Love you too 💗

[streamacademe]

Bonus post: Thesis writing.

This post will be a combination of tips and tricks I have received from numerous sources, with the majority coming from Shinton Consulting and STREAM IDC staff. 

The big T

If you’re anything like me, just the word ‘thesis’ can instill a sense of dread in me. However, the best way to deal with a phobia is to face it head on, so let’s do just that, both in a literal and metaphorical sense. 

What a thesis is and what to expect...

Writing a thesis could take anywhere between four weeks to a whole year, and sometimes even longer! The worst thing you can do is compare your progress to that of others; setting a benchmark is one thing, but beating yourself into a panicked pulp because you haven’t written as many chapters as a fellow PhD/EngD won’t do you any good. The best thing you can do is have regular discussions with your supervisors on how long your thesis will take and plan accordingly. 🕖

Your thesis has to be fit for purpose (that is to pass), which means that it has to:

Satisfy the expectations of your institution and industry sponsor (if applicable).

How did you solve the problem that was proposed to you?

Contain material which presents a unified body of work that could reasonably be achieved on the basis of three years’ postgraduate study and research.

Show you have done the work and impress your examiners.

Allow your examiners to confirm that the thesis is an original work, which makes a significant contribution to the field, including material worthy of publication.

Research your examiners and quote them where possible, especially if they’re relevant to your field.

Show adequate knowledge of the field of study and relevant literature. 

Make sure you read all of the key papers in your field. 

What were the gaps in knowledge?

The ‘references’ section is very important as this sets the scene and examiners will read this. BUT, don’t have too many references. 

Demonstrate critical judgement with regard to both the candidate’s work and that of other scholars in the same general field.

Compare approaches and conclusions of others.

Note potential conflicts of interest.

Why did you use this method/approach?

Is your interpretation the only possible explanation?

Be presented in a clear, consistent, concise, and accessible format. 

Make your examiners lives easier. 

Make your viva as pleasant as can be!

Basically, you need to know why your project was important, be able to explain the key work that has already been done in the area and how it relates to your research aim. You should then be able to explain what you have done during your research and how this contributes to your field. 

Note: Keep checking university regulations! Each university should have their own code of practice for supervisors and research students, which will look something like this. 

Picture: A short summary of the above. Source: Tumblr.

Planning and writing

I’m not going to lie to you, it is not going to be easy. I have only just embarked on the journey myself and am already overwhelmed. However, with the right preparation, coping mechanisms in place, and a tremendous amount of self-discipline, we will get through. ☕

Getting started

You need to practice writing. That’s as simple as advice gets. 

You need to practice reading other PhD/EngD theses, mainly to understand what to expect, and to experience what being the audience for a thesis is like. 

Create a thesis plan... 

To start the mammoth task that is thesis writing, it needs to be fully understood and broken down into manageable chunks.

Make a plan (perhaps based on the table of contents of another thesis) of all the sections and chapters in the thesis.

Then break these into sections and keep breaking it down until you are almost at the paragraph level.

Now you can start writing!

Where to start the actual writing?

Start with the most comfortable chapter, such as a previously published paper, a set of results that are straightforward and can be easily explained, methodology/methods, etc. 

Create a storyboard for your thesis and write as if you are telling that story.

If you’re not sure what comes next, refer to previous theses and back to your plan and storyboard. 

Be ready to amend the plan for future chapters as each is completed and you become more aware of what the thesis must contain.

Remember: THINKING IS HARD, WRITING IS EASIER. 💭

Organisation

Develop and maintain a logical filing system.

Improve your back up technique; if it’s not saved in 3+ locations, it is not safely backed up.

Back up every day.

Never overwrite previous documents, just make many versions. It’s not worth the risk of losing a valuable piece of work from a copy and paste error.

Copy any key parts from your lab/note/field books as these can get lost/damaged.

Keep a file/folder of thoughts, references, etc. that you are not including in your thesis; these may be useful to refer back to for ideas and information.

Effective writing

Establish a routine, don’t be distracted, take breaks.

Set clear and realistic goals for each week/day. 

A GANTT chart is very good for this; use it to keep on track and measure progress.

You just gotta start. The hardest part is the beginning.

Don’t stall on details, walk away for a short break to clear your mind.

Get formatting correct from the start (check your code of practice/regulations).

Be consistent with references.

Seek help from the experts - supervisors, postdocs, online sources/training programmes etc.

Create SMART objectives for your writing process:

Specific - e.g. “I will complete chapter 3/collate all diagrams” rather than “I will make good progress”.

Measurable - e.g. “I will write 4 pages today” not “I will try to write as much as I can”.

Achievable - e.g. “I will complete the first draft for my supervisor” not “I will get it perfect before he/she sees it”.

Realistic - e.g. “I will complete the introduction today” not “I will complete a chapter a week”.

Time - it can be useful to set yourself deadlines e.g. tell your supervisor you will hand in a draft on a certain day - that way you are sure to have it done.

Finally, find a balance between being tough with yourself whilst protecting your well-being the best you can. I wrote a post a little while ago that covers managing your mental health during a PhD. Read it here. 

GIF: Anna Kendrick dishing out some top advice. Source: Tumblr.

A few more tips

Supervisor management

Establish what you want to cover in each meeting.

Keep a record of the outcomes and actions from those meetings.

Make your supervisors lives easy; they’re very busy humans.

They are unlikely to judge work unless it is presented completely (i.e. fully written with tables, figures, etc.).

Give them a neat, complete version of a chapter at a time (proof-read thoroughly and spell-checked).

It is in your supervisors interest for you to complete in good time; they are experts and will offer a lot of support.

To summarise, a good thesis:

Has an appreciation of what came before.

Focuses on the interesting and important.

Is well reasoned.

Will change the way people think.

Will teach your supervisors something. 

Has publishable results.

Is logical in presentation, analysis, and arguments.

Is well illustrated with tables, figures, graphs, summary flow charts etc.

It is worth spending a lot of time on these. 

Is written without grammatical and spelling errors.

Has an appreciation of what comes next.

I hope that the above was helpful! There are many resources out there, so get exploring if you need more advice!

I’ll soon be writing a post on how to survive your viva! So, watch this space. ✨

Photo: Make this your phone/desktop/laptop/everything background when you’re writing, I know I will! Source: Tumblr.

[ocular-intercourse]

every once in a while, i am remembered that i should probably nail down what exactly is in the realm of possibilities with the enhancements in the gyoverse

is the process government regulated, or more of a talent thing, the way anybody can learn how to draw with enough patience? I think it’s a mixture of both, people are not forbidden to gain certain abilities, you literally can’t keep it from happening, those are just things that can develop naturally when a person has the right mindset, but it’s also a dangerous process if certain levels are reached and things go wrong, so the government tries to keep certain levels.. I guess certified? At the very least registered. If you gain a certain amount of power you will be observed.

So there are two areas of use: personal & professional life.

In personal life a person can develop certain helpful abilities, imagine a fisherman training himself without trying to a point of being able to sense the location of fishes in the water. It’s very close to people in our world who just get very very skilled in their labor and get the ability to do specific things simply by experience (the way people in food stores can eyeball the weight of a specific item and be 100% right). Those are not particularly ‘powerful’ per se, more little every day helpers that might not even entirely get recognized as an enhancement. A lot of these abilities are inherited, but that might be less of a genetic thing and more grounded in the upbringing, environment, and education, one person teaching their skills and experiences to the next generation and them developing these enhancements themselves.

Then there’s professional life especially in jobs that are highly competitive, because everybody wants to be the best they can be in their field so naturally they would use any tools they can get their hands on. The biggest example of course is the army. The country with the strongest soldiers wins, so there have been raised standards and whoever cannot reach them loses by default. Hence the imperial army usually weeding out people with insufficient talent for the enhancements (thembo supreme raime being an exception). A whole nation selecting and breeding for the ultimate warriors at all times. There have been certain Levels established, a class of soldiers with Level A, Level B, Level C (those are not the actual names I’m still workshopping here), each with stronger abilities than the last. I imagine there are tests, either on set dates, or evaluations a person can apply for, to be moved to the next class (and get more pay and status). These Levels of evaluating a person’s capabilities can vary from job to job. A soldier with Level B would probably score lower in a scientific, research-based field, it’s all depending on how good you are at the enhancements that are useful for your job. (Army standard’s being pretty much universally accepted as the most powerful and useful skillsets and therefore valued the most)

Now this feels like a JRPG leveling system. My character’s skillset scores are Army Level C, Medicine Level A and Barter Level B+. (Now I’m picturing Trading Cards with your favorite Soldiers. Noor has one and every skill is at S cause propaganda. Gyo’s is a lot of S with worse scores in anything communicative, also S+ in immortality)

But what are the basic and less basic abilities a soldier can gain?

At base level are physical enhancements. More stamina, more strength, more agility, general healthiness (better immune system, faster gradual healing).

Followed by your base senses of smell, taste, sight, hearing and feeling. Later Levels of this ability include higher control, shutting down some senses or enhancing only one.

A little bit more difficult are things that need tighter control. The ability to influence your digestion, your blood flow, your oxygen intake. You can go longer on less food and air, you can slow your bleeding down, or trigger adrenaline rushes at will.

The next step is adding supernatural senses. The ability to feel the presence of other people, even at a distance and out of sight. The more trained you are in this area the better the feel is you get on the person and their intent. You cannot read minds, but you can certainly feel anger or admiration, general feelings or moods.

The next step is learning how to hide these things in yourself. These can cancel each other out depending on who is involved. A person that is good at hiding their intent can not hide it as well if the other person is better at seeing people’s intent than they are at hiding it.

The next step would be considered elemental magic by most standards. You can create a spark of flame, a bit of fluid, a gust of wind. These will most likely not be impressive flame thrower like attacks or anything, but can be practical here or there.

Also magical but more difficult, and mostly requires the student of this direction to split from developing other enhancements to concentrate solely on this area to be effective: healing magic. Gyo for example has mostly ignored healing magic, he can keep wounds shut enough to keep someone from losing blood but he cannot close them entirely, while Noor chose to stop their studies of techniques that would help in fights to focus on learning how to heal and nurture (it’s not only wounds, they can also relieve pain and control infections and other things). To be skilled in both is incredibly difficult and I don’t think it is currently seen. Something must be put on hold to learn other powerful things, so you have to pick and chose what you want to be proficient in. It is also an ability you can only use on others and not yourself, so most soldiers (at least those that get to this point and are therefore most likely power hungry in some way) chose to ignore it for something that helps themselves rather than others.

A similar direction but removed from regular healing magic because that focuses on healing other people while this is entirely self-focused: the next level of the control over your own body, the ability to sustain the body without meeting nutritional needs or rest. Beginners of this Level can go several days without sleep or rest, depending on a.. let’s say amount of ‘spiritual’ energy they have gathered before. They are, in that moment, basically feeding their body’s needs from this energy. The better you are at this, the longer you can go. This Level is only reached by those soldiers, that are willing to focus as much on their intellectual studies as they do on physical training. Many talented soldiers who exceed in fights get frustrated by these requirements. The ultimate Level of Control over your own body is the step Gyo has reached where he entirely halted all aging and is practically immortal, if not killed or dying of an illness. I imagine it has a lot to do with gathering such a vast amount of energy, that you can feed on it indefinitely, because you have learned to gain the energy quicker than you deplete it. There are earlier levels of this ability when you learn how to stretch less energy and slow down your aging instead of halting it completely. (many ppl in or out of the army will try to gain some bits of this ability to prolong their lives, everybody wants to squeeze a bit more out of it if they can) There are varying degrees of aging speed depending on the person’s skill level and energy intake.

The problem, aside from many people not having the mental or physical requirements to begin with, and the fortitude, discipline and patience to stick with it, is that said energy is also extremely volatile. People who begin gathering it often get overwhelmed by moodswings, the energy wanting to get out and presenting itself in any way that is currently available for it to be released by, whether that is physical or psychological. In higher concentrations the amount of energy can be literally corroding if your body and mind are not prepared to handle it. People carrying a large amount of energy can be caught in a bad moment and lose the ability to contain the energy, often with catastrophic consequences, definitely for the person themselves, sometimes for their surroundings too. People on Gyo’s Level are basically walking nukes, he could take out a small town if he ever lost it. Key to get to where Gyo is, is a strong enough anchor, a feeling or a motivation that drives you that is enough to sustain your willpower. (While in universe the idea is more philosophical, trained soldiers being told “think of something that motivates you”, this is more literal than they think. Gyo’s current anchor is wrath, that is why his sword which is known for its gruesome owners, attached itself to him. You could see the wrath as a fingerprint scan, if he did not have it, the sword would not work for him. A person’s anchor can also switch, which Gyo’s will, eventually, to his need to protect, and it will cause trouble with his sword and I assume some of the ways his other abilities have worked for him in the past)

The different Levels soldiers can be classified as are defined by a combination of these abilities, since each of them have multiple levels (from lesser to higher control over your body, stronger elemental magic and so on). So, to reach Level A you need Skill A Ability Score 1, Skill B Ability Score 1, Skill C Ability Score 1 while reaching a higher Level requirement might look more like Skill A Ability Score 2 Skill B Ability Score 3 Skill C Ability Score 6. So, a test that would allow you to reach the next Level would test how high your Ability Scores in each Skill are and see where that lands you. So even if your Levels are Skill A Ability Score 6 and Skill B Ability Score 6 if you do not have Ability Score 6 in Skill C you will not reach that higher Level. Gyo probably has all Skills maxed out (except healing but that one is counted separately since the army knows most soldiers will not reach high Ability Scores here).

But like I said, this Grade System is army specific. In another job field requirements might look more for skills that help you read and retain information faster, or specialize in reading other people and putting pleasant emotions out there to influence others.

This also explains Raime’s situation. While they are, from birth on, unable to gain these things that count as army recognized enhancements, they have an ability more on par with those private uses that develop naturally through talent and repetition. They DO technically have enhancements, but they are exclusively social, enhanced emotional intelligence if you will. The ability to read people, not the way the army enhancement works where it is basically a  supernatural sense you gain, but more through being able to instinctively read faces and voices and putting together what that means rather than sensing it. 

I don’t think this is entirely a class system based on your Level of enhancements, but typically people with enhancements are respected more, more so if they are high skilled in ‘popular’ fields (a soldier Level A will be more respected than a Scientist Level A). There is definitely a certain pressure to gain certain Levels, especially in higher society. If a first born noble does not gain high army Levels they are considered shameful.

[badbackgroundscience]

Science of “The Seven”

I watched Amazon’s The Boys this week. So instead of the usual 60′s Marvel fare, here’s some tangential science relating to the superpowers featured in the show:

1. Homelander can’t see through zinc.

This is obviously a play on Superman not being able to see through lead, but the switch brings up some problems with the physics involved. X-rays - light with wavelengths ranging between 0.01 and 10 nm* - can’t travel through a lump of lead because lead is super dense. It’s nearly the heaviest non-radioactive element, with (usually) 208 protons+neutrons and 82 electrons. And its atoms pack very closely together.**

Combining that density with the fact that lead atoms are also very good at attenuating x-ray light (meaning the amount of x-ray photons that can penetrate a certain thickness of lead drops exponentially as that thickness increases), it makes sense that Superman’s x-ray vision’s weakness is lead.

But zinc is a smaller atom (usually 64 protons+neutrons and 30 electrons) and its atoms don’t pack as tightly; it’s about 1.5 times less dense than lead. It’s X-ray attenuation is generally lower, but not too different, from lead (compare this graph vs this one). Together, this makes it easier for x-rays to penetrate zinc than lead.

So why can’t Homelander see through zinc, but (supposedly) see through lead? It could be that the x-rays he emits correspond to a wavelength that zinc absorbs more than lead does. Annoyingly, the absorption spectra I can find all seem to be dealing with zinc compounds (e.g. ZnO, ZnS) instead of pure zinc metal. So I can’t tell you exactly what wavelength that would need to be.

Sorry.***

2. The Deep has torso gills

Fish are ectotherms, meaning their body temperature is regulated by their environment. Mammals - including cetaceans (i.e. whales, porpoises, and dolphins) - are endotherms. We generate our own body heat. Kevin presumably does, too.

This means that a man needs more oxygen than a man-sized fish does. About 15 times the oxygen, in fact. It’s the gills’ job to extract oxygen from water and pump it into the fish’s bloodstream; bigger fish have bigger gills, but a 75-kg man needs gills 15 times the size of a 75-kg fish’s. Not necessarily in length, but in collection area. And that’s assuming you’re not doing any physical activity that ups your oxygen requirements.

But on top of that, oxygen is far less abundant in water than it is in air - about 20 times less for the same volume. If an average human needs a quart**** of oxygen per minute, their gills would need to strain 51 gallons of water every minute to meet that requirement.

Combining these two factors, designer and material scientist-dabbler Jun Kamei is developing a set of artificial gills, and claims the final device will have a surface area of 32 square meters (344 square feet).

The human lung surface area is somewhere around 75 square meter range, so if you’ve got gills that can pack as efficiently as lungs do, you probably could fit them into your abdomen. Maybe not Chase Crawford’s abdomen, but a stockier human’s abdomen.

The real problem here is that Kevin’s doing himself no favors by covering the gills up while he’s underwater. Water rushing through the gills is the whole point, and you’ve just made it 1000% harder.

3. A-Train (and Popclaw) booms and bu(r)sts

According to the race announcer that one episode, A-Train can reach speeds over 1000 miles per hour. Assuming that’s true and not a horrible exaggeration, as soon as he passes the speed of sound (767 mph at sea level), A-Train would create sonic booms. Not a single boom. Constant booms for as long as he’s going fast enough. You (as a single individual) only hear one, but that’s only because you’re not moving.

We never see him do this, so we must conclude he’s not a complete idiot and only goes this fast when he’s far away from people and architecture. (If I read the screen right, he only clocks in at 371 in his race.)

As for the secret girlfriend he murdered, there are several species of amphibians that can stick their own bones out through their skin to use as weapons. For example, species of frog within the genus Astylosternus, and Trichobatrachus robustus (aka the hairy frog). The Spanish ribbed newt can push its ribs out through its torso; when threatened, its skin also secrets poison, turning its bones into poisonous barbs.*****

4. Translucent isn’t see-through. He’s see-around.

As the man explains to Jimmy the late night host (No, not that Jimmy the late night host...the other Jimmy the late night host), his skin can convert at will to a “carbon metamaterial” that bends light around it. 

We don’t know if there are other elements involved besides carbon, but if there aren’t, the real-world comparison is graphene -- an atom-thick layer of carbon atoms bonded to each other forming a honeycomb pattern.

Given its thickness, it’s translucent itself. [Side note: yes, “translucent” doesn’t mean invisible. However, some dictionaries (e.g. Merriam Webster and the OED) include alternative definitions identical to "transparent"...which goes against everything I ever learned. But either way, he actually is translucent when he isn’t “translucent”. Because human skin is translucent, assuming there isn’t too much melanin in it.]

A 2D sheet of graphene has a breaking strength of 42 Pa (0.0061 psi). That number seems super small, but it's actually reflecting the strongest material we know of. You'd need 4,300 pounds balanced on a pencil (pointy end on the graphene) to break through that atom-thick sheet.

Alternatively, if I did my back-of-the-envelope math right, you’d need a 50 gram .50-cal bullet traveling at ~770,000 mph (and coming to a stop in ~1 millisecond). Now, the human epidermis averages ~1mm thick. That's 3 million layers of graphene. 

However, if you manage to put a crack into your graphene, it becomes brittle on par with a ceramic.`*

As for being able to electrocute Translucent because carbon is “highly conductive”, graphene is indeed so; however, other carbon compounds aren't (e.g. diamonds). It all depends on the positioning of electrons within the solid (moving electrons = flowing charge). Since we don’t know what Translucent’s metamaterial is, we’ll have to take the show at its word.

Though here’s some bonus info: metamaterials are all synthetic. Which would mean that Translucent had this skin installed somehow. Or, it’s a very subtle dig at Compound V being used to create superheroes that only I caught.

The one thing that the season left bugging me about Translucent was his eyeballs. Somehow those are see-through.

5. Starlight pushes it real good

Our newest member of the Seven can use concentrated light to knock baddies off their feet, as well as throw them several meters back. This is an exaggerated form of reality. Light can actually push stuff. 

Photons do exert a teeny tiny amount of pressure on whatever they hit. It’s called radiation pressure. The amount is sufficient for something like a solar sail (The above image is LightSail 2), but not wiping the floor with a criminal.

According to (more) envelope math, Starlight would need to emit ~30 PetaWatts to deliver a good boxer-level punch to a baddie standing ~2 meters away. That's the equivalent amount of energy released by 7.2 million tons of TNT exploding, in 1 second. 

Also, given the color of the light she emits, she’s probably emitting a spectrum identical to our Sun, meaning she’s emitting a ton of light that normally gets blocked by our atmosphere, including x-rays and ultraviolet radiation.

She’s definitely given someone a melanoma at some point during her life. Or at least a very bad sunburn.

Bonus: Ice Princess shatters wangs

Final back-of-the-envelope math, calculating how fast that guy's (presumably erect) penis would freeze being enveloped by an ice vagina at -346 °F (-210 °C). A combination of calculating the heat lost per second via conduction, and the amount of energy lost as body-temp water cools and converts to ice.

Came out to 0.1 seconds. 

Faster than I expected...

_______________________________________________________________________

* Visible light is ~400-700 nm

** There are several (nonradioactive) metals more dense than lead, but more rare/expensive, like gold and iridium. 

*** Also, brass can be up to 45% zinc. Does that mean Homelander can only sort of see through brass?

**** Get out of here with your imperial units, self...

***** Fun fact: it can regenerate lost limbs, heart tissue, brain cells, and its spinal cord

`* Butt cracks don’t count.

_______________________________________________________________________

Image credits:

Zinc - CC BY 3.0

gills By Chris 73, CC BY-SA 3.0

frog claws from Barej et al 2010

sonic boom By I, Melamed katz, CC BY-SA 3.0

graphene By U.S. Army Materiel Command, CC BY 2.0

lightsail 2 By Josh Spradling / The Planetary Society CC BY-SA 3.0

ice by Ian Mackenzie CC BY 2.0

[femnet]

Next year, I want to leave the Caribbean country where I am living to enroll in a university in the United Kingdom. I want to start my life as an adult, and kick off my future in the best direction. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Except I can’t get there by just snapping my fingers.

I turned eighteen years old a couple of months ago, so I am now legally entitled to my own actions. Well, let’s make the best out of that.

As a twelfth grade student, mature and conscious that my path will be my own, I have jotted down a list of new school-year resolutions that will help me reaching my goals by next September. 

1- Study, study, study!

Disclaimer: I am allergic to extremes. This is not about locking oneself in a dusty monastery and bury under a mountain of books. Balance is the key.

Yes, this is the tea. I was used to hearing people say that I should “enjoy my time as a youngster, you’ll have time for working later.” However, ladies and gents, here is the truth *drums roll* PROCRASTINATING ISN’T ENJOYING. How are you going to secure yourself a bright future if you don’t build the basis for one as early as possible? 

One of my friends, who studies psychology and philosophy, surprised me by saying that you have until the age of twenty-two to create proactive habits. Later, it’s harder (but not impossible!) to develop new neural connections, so teenagers should give their best at learning.

Also, who said that scrolling down our Instagram feed is better for our health than studying? Honestly, if we make the latter become fun, we will be able to harvest much sweeter fruits.

2- Collect money

Not talking about Monopoly bills nor videogame coins: get a job! Even the little ones are worth it. Why? 

First of all, we’ll have to have a job at some point. The earlier we learn about the professional world (think taxes system, work relationships, money handling), the easier it will be to grow in our niche after studies. 

Secondly, what college student is happy to be broke? *Buzzer* NonE! (Hint → that’s the right answer.) 

Earning cash (and not spending it on clothes or candies) before living on our own allows us to build a soft reserve that will cushion our needs later! The money I am making as a journalist and translator will go towards clothes and food when I move to the UK. It’ll be something less to worry about once I’m far from my family! 

3- Eat culture: educate myself

This goes hand in hand with the first resolution, except we’re not talking about actual subject studies.

I spent this summer surrounded by only adults. What happened? Big conversations happened! The belief that teenagers have today of handling serious dialogues is true to a certain extent. We like to be very idealist, and would love to make the world a better place, but tend to be only one-sighted. Most adults who have been around for longer than we have take another approach to everyday news. Once in the grown-ups’ world, it will be crucial to keep update on the actuality and explore a palette of perspectives and knowledge. It is better to know something about everything rather than everything about something (and then be the ignorant of the group when our favorite topic is dropped). 

4- Get started on the diet TODAY

Disclaimer: I am not necessarily talking of a diet to lose weight. Think healthy diet, or student diet (best quality-quantity-price relationship). Also, the diet is an example. Think about all the things that you should do today, but always find an excuse not to.

*Underlines, highlights, circles the last word of the subtitle.* 

“Yes, I’ll get started on the diet tomorrow,” she said, every day, for the past two years.

Long story short, tomorrow never arrives, every day is today, so let’s get started right now and be done with the wistful sighing.

I have adopted a gluten and sugar-free nutrition since some months now. While it was hard to say no to pasta, pizza and chocolate at first (the Italian in me was tortured), I found out after a couple of weeks that I didn’t even feel the yearning for those products. It’s all about getting used to a certain habit, and keeping a strong mind about the decision in the first days.

5- Get up from that chair and move

Most students’ big problem: we stay sat for too long. 

Among other ultra-valid reasons that should encourage us to move more, let’s talk about the relationship of physical activity and studying. It has been demonstrated that movement helps the blood--which carries oxygen and nutrients--reaching the brain much more easily. I made my own little experience to prove this.

Using Khan Academy, I passed two SAT exams within a week. I made sure to go to bed at the same time the day before, and to eat the same breakfast in the morning, so the conditions would be very similar. I passed the first exam exactly as if it were a real one, respecting the times of pause and not getting up from my chair between sections. Without studying any more, I passed the second exam a few days later, except I got up and walked a bit between each sections. Not only did I feel much more concentrated during the second exam than the first one, but I also improved my results by 60 points!

6- Yoga is a daily thing

Meditation, respiration, balance… Yoga combines all of these and thus joins sport and relaxation for both the body and the mind. It helps regulating the flow of hormones, the blood circulation, the digestive system, etc. I am not inventing anything.

Introducing yoga in my daily schedule has been a helpful step towards becoming more of an adult. I know that I will be able to cope with new steps and stresses because I have my own self by my side. Quite the change from the self-deprecative marathons so popular among teens.

7- Stand my ground, but accept genuine critics and advice

As a child, I used to get rebuffed a lot by my parents and brother, and I have grown up convinced that whatever I said was silly and others were always more right. I became taciturn, and repressed my own thinking a lot. Now, I have understood (thanks to some time spent with different people) that I am more than capable of saying smart stuff too! I am conscious that what I say is valid and that my opinion has to be respected, so I do not have to change my mind and adjust to others. When I don’t agree, I say it. When I want something, and feel like I deserve it, I claim it. And this is just right. 

However, I make sure not to cross the border: I accept critics and advice when they are helpful. I make sure to complete the information I get, compare it with other opinions. We have to remember that some people know more than us about certain things, and this is just right too.

8- Pick up my blogs from the ashes and build a temple from the rubble

You can tell that I love drama. This point for me is about blogs, but consider hobbies in general.

Because a healthy person has an open mind, having different occupations is strongly advised--most of all if those occupations help us polishing our values and qualities.

What I mean from “picking up my blogs from the ashes” is that I need to start working on them again, counting it as one more necessary periodical activity. I am too quickly excited by ideas, and then burn the eagerness too soon. This aspect of personality is not a great asset for someone who wants to study marketing and communication during four years. 

By “build a temple from the rubble,” I mean that I have to make something useful out of what I have created. Not only will blogs look nicely on my curriculum and personal statement, but they could be a way to earn some exposure and a little money. Making the most of what we have is the first step towards success.

In case you’d like to see what my blogs are about, here are the links: x   x

9- Take care of my appearance

Taking care of one’s appearance isn’t only a way to demonstrate people around us that we value them and consider them worthy of seeing the best of us, it is also a self-compliment that leads to a healthy relationship with ourselves. Taking the time for facial masks or choosing clean outfits will do as much for our outside than our inside. We are our own best friend, let’s treat us accordingly.

[scifigeneration]

Advanced digital networks look a lot like the human nervous system

by Salvatore Domenic Morgera

Studying digital and biological connections can shed light on both fields. MY stock/Shutterstock.com

Parents have experienced how newborns grab their finger and hold tight. This almost instantaneous response is one of the sweetest involuntary movements that babies exhibit. The newborn’s nerves sense a touch, process the information and react without having to send a signal to the brain. Though in people this ability fades very early in life, the system that enables it offers a useful example for digital networks connecting sensors, processors and machinery to translate information into action.

My research on both the human nervous system and advanced telecommunications networks has found some striking parallels between the two, including the similarity between babies’ nervous systems and the rapid-response networks now being developed to handle always-on, always-connected networks of sensors, cameras and microphones throughout people’s homes, communities and workplaces.

These insights can suggest new ways to think about designing future telecommunications systems, as well as provide new ideas for diagnosing and treating neurological disorders like multiple sclerosis, autism spectrum disorder and Alzheimer’s disease.

A view of human neurology

Generally speaking, the nervous system has three main components: the brain, the spinal cord and the peripheral nervous system.

The human nervous system can be understood as a network of interconnected sensors and processors. Siyavula Education/Flickr, CC BY

The peripheral nervous system is distributed throughout the entire body, sensing inputs like pressure, heat and cold, and conveying that information through the spinal cord to the brain. This system also handles the responses from the brain, controlling voluntary movements, and does some local regulation of involuntary body functions like breathing, digestion and keeping the heart beating.

The spinal cord handles large numbers of sensory inputs and action responses passing back and forth between the brain and the body. It also handles involuntary muscular movements called reflex arcs, such as the knee jerk reflex when the doctor performs an examination or the rapid “pull away” of a hand when something hot is touched.

The brain, the center of most of the nervous system’s processing power, has several specialized regions in its right and left hemispheres. These areas take input from sensors such as the eyes, ears and skin, and return outputs in the form of thoughts, emotions, memories and movement. In many cases, these outputs are also used by other parts of the brain as inputs that enable refinement and learning.

In healthy people, these elements work together in extraordinary harmony by combining networks of cells that respond to specific chemicals, mechanical changes, light characteristics, temperature changes and pain through a process called sensory transduction. This complexity makes even one of the smallest components of the nervous system, the nerve fiber, or axon, a challenge to study.

Some of the nervous system’s interconnections, long thought to only be physical, may also be effectively wireless. The brain generates a highly specialized electric field at certain nerve fiber sites during the normal course of its operation. Measuring the characteristics of this field can offer indications that a brain is healthy, or that it may have certain neurological disorders.

Inside telecommunications networks

The current generation of advanced telecommunications networks, known as 5G, is wireless, and has three similar categories of components.

The digital equivalent of the peripheral nervous system is the “internet of things.” It is a vast and growing network of devices, vehicles and home appliances that contain electronics, software and connectivity that let them connect with each other, interacting and exchanging data.

The technological equivalent of the brain is the “cloud,” an internet-connected group of powerful computers and processors that store, manage and process data. They often work together to handle complex tasks involving large amounts of input and processing, before delivering outputs back over the internet.

In between those two types of components is the spinal-cord equivalent, a new type of network called a “fog” – a play on the fact that it’s a thinly distributed cloud – set up to shorten network connections and the resulting processing delays between the cloud and remote devices. The processors and storage devices in the fog can handle tasks that require especially rapid reactions.

Striking similarities

In building technological networks throughout the modern world, people have apparently – and likely unconsciously – mirrored human neurology.

This offers opportunities to identify technological solutions to networking problems that could be adapted into medical treatments for neurological disorders that have no known cures.

Autism spectrum disorder, for example, is a serious developmental condition that impairs people’s ability to communicate and interact. It’s believed to occur as a result of an imbalance between two types of neural communications: People with autism spectrum disorder have too much activity in neurons that excite other neurons and too little activity in neurons that quiet other neurons down. This is like what happens when some links in a telecommunications networks get overloaded, while others are not busy at all. Software tools that manage large cloud and fog networks can even out demand and minimize telecommunication delays. These programs can also simulate – and suggest ways to reduce – the network imbalances in autism-related impairments.

Salvatore Domenic Morgera explains the network of the nervous system.

Multiple sclerosis is an often disabling disease in which the body’s immune system eats away at nerve fibers’ protective coverings. This disrupts the flow of information within the brain, and between the brain and the body. Technologically, this is similar to outages at particular network connection points, which is regularly dealt with by sending messages by other routes that have working connections. Perhaps medical research can identify ways to reroute nerve messages through nearby links when some nerves aren’t working properly.

Using software and medicine together

Neural communications break down when affected by Alzheimer’s disease. BruceBlaus/Wikimedia Commons, CC BY

Alzheimer’s disease is a type of dementia that causes problems with memory, thinking and behavior. In 2015, I presented work by my research lab on the discovery of new networks in the brain whose behavior indicated that Alzheimer’s disease might be an autoimmune disease, like MS is. This suggests a brain with Alzheimer’s could be like a telecommunications network being attacked by an intruder changing not just data within the network, but also the network’s structure itself.

My research group then used the human immune system as inspiration for developing software to defend computer networks against malicious attacks. This software can, in turn, be used to simulate the progress of Alzheimer’s disease in a patient, perhaps highlighting ways to reduce its effects.

The nervous system’s involvement in other autoimmune diseases, such as Type 1 diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis, may offer opportunities for additional insights into digital networks, or ways sensors and software solutions might help patients. In my view, software models, made more realistic by clinical research, will help researchers understand the structure and function of the human nervous system and, along the way, make telecommunications networks and services faster and more reliable and secure.

About The Author:

Salvatore Domenic Morgera is Professor of Electrical Engineering and Bioengineering at the University of South Florida

This article is republished from our content partners at The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. 

[taww]

Review: Silverline SR17 Supreme loudspeaker

Silverline SR17 Supreme loudspeaker

The Audiophile Weekend Warrior (TAWW)

TAWW Rating: 5 / 5

Combining the body and scale of a larger speaker with traditional mini-monitor virtues, the SR17 Supreme is an exceptional conveyor of musical color and expression.

PROS: Organic midrange tone; top-to-bottom coherence; ample scale and dynamics; superb imaging; unfussy setup.

CONS: Smidge of lower midrange coloration; favors acoustic over electronic music; awkward recessed terminals.

This review has been a long time coming. Back in 2010, @mgd-taww​ gave the Silverline SR17 Supreme (USD $7,500) a rave review in Bound for Sound magazine, and heartily recommended them to me as an upgrade to my Merlin TSM speakers. It took me 8 years and a move to the West Coast to finally reach out to Silverline for a review pair; then another 15 months of listening to get around to this review. In the meantime, lots of speakers have come and gone in the market, particularly in the 2-way monitor category saturated with offerings at every conceivable price point. And yet, to my ears, the SR17 Supreme endures as one of the most satisfying speakers of its kind. Read on for my take on how it’s withstood the test of time.

History & Design

Silverline is a small speaker manufacturer based out of Walnut Creek, California, a short drive northeast of San Francisco. The SR17 is one of their first models dating back to a couple years after their incorporation in 1996:

1998: The SR17 debuted at the 1998 Stereophile Show in LA, sporting a Dynaudio D28/2 tweeter and Esotec 17WLQ midwoofer.

1999: Updated with an Esotec D260 tweeter and revised crossover.

2004: The SR17.5 was introduced, with increased internal volume via a deeper cabinet for better bass response.

2009: The SR17 Supreme is introduced with an Esotar T330D tweeter and further refinements.

Proprietor/designer/craftsman Alan Yun has continued tweaking the Supreme over the last decade, and though the Dynaudio drivers he prefers are out of production he’s stockpiled enough units for years of production and repairs. The enclosure, recognizable by its trapezoidal shape and depth, is manufactured in China by a shop that does cabinet work for a number of high-end marques, with final assembly performed by Alan’s own hand. He shared a bit more about their production:

California has strict environmental regulations. The paints on cabinets are governed by strict rules, and is why there are fewer and fewer cabinet makers in California. Many manufacturers now find their production overseas.

Actually our cabinets were rawly made in China, painted, and the final detailing is done by me, also putting sonic materials inside the cabinets. This job is pretty tricky for tweaking the sound. The crossovers were handmade by me, matching components, soldering, etc. The drivers were fitted carefully and precisely by my hands with European-made T-15A screws. Final testing and listening are all done by me in my workshop. 😅 Therefore, the SR 17 is rather unique. I am also the original designer of this shape/type of speaker cabinet since 1996. I did research and to the best of my knowledge there were no similar designs then.

Large, but not ungainly, atop Dynaudio Stand 6′s

The depth of the cabinet - 15 inches, to be exact - gives it a rather top-heavy look on a typical stand, but it’s mitigated by the elegant tapered profile. My pair was impeccably finished on all sides in rosewood veneer. Rapping down the sides revealed it to be very solid, but not as fanatically braced and damped as my old Merlin TSM monitors or the Audiovector SR 1. Each speaker weighs around 26 lbs. The bi-wire terminals are recessed, which made them a bit of a pain, particularly as they have larger rectangular posts that will take 1/4" spades only in certain directions - I recommend banana terminations.

The crossover sports just 4 components, with 1st order high-pass (tweeter) and 2nd order low-pass (woofer) filters. Parts quality - Solen metallized polypropylene capacitors, a generic-looking wirewound resistor and an air-core inductor - is solid but hardly fancy, a deliberate decision by Alan who isn’t much of a believer in expensive boutique parts. Based on the results he’s achieved here, it’s hard to argue.

Cardas jumpers sounded better than the stock bridges to my ears. Stick with bananas for the cable termination - spades are awkward.

Setup

The SR17 is fairly efficient (nominally 90.5 dB/watt @ 8 ohms), but more importantly it's easy to drive - my Ayre AX7e, known for being rather limited in the power delivery department, sounded open and effortless. Alan Yun said the Dynaudio drivers love current and will benefit from powerful amplifiers, yet will sing with low-powered tube amps. I can confirm it loved the grunt of the 300wpc Bryston 4B Cubed, yet I never felt lower-power amps like the Ayre or Bryston B60 integrateds were lacking for dynamics. And my favorite pairing by far was with the 55-watt Valvet A4 Mk.II class A monoblocks sporting a single pair of bipolar output devices. (Incidentally, Alan’s favorite amp paring with the SR17 is the 30-watt Pass Labs XA30.5, which @mgd-taww can attest to being a magical combo.)

Similarly, I found the SR17 easy-going when it came to cables. My preferred cable had more to do with the amp used, but I got good results from a single run of Audience Au24 SX [review], Cardas Clear Light and DH Labs Q10 Signature cables. With the Audience, I felt the speaker was the sweetest and most dimensional; the DH Labs brought out more bass power and treble brilliance; while the Cardas brought out more upper midrange presence. With the Bryston 4B3 amp, I settled on the Cardas; with the Ayre and Valvet, the Audience was the clear winner. Unlike with the Audiovector SR 1 Avantgarde Arreté (review forthcoming), I didn't find bi-wiring to lend a noticeable improvement, but I did prefer replacing the stock metal jumpers with nicer Cardas ones from my Merlin TSM's for a little more refinement.

As with any high-quality monitor, stands are important. Something around 24-25” height seems right, though I wouldn’t be afraid to sit them an inch or two lower as the speakers are capable of projecting good image height. A trend these days is to decouple speakers from the stands/floor, but the SR17’s are “old school” in that they prefer tight coupling, meaning heavy suckers with spikes and a judicious amount of BluTack on the top plate. My old Osiris stands, heavy dual-column steel beauties loaded with sand, were a perfect match, but sadly I sold them with my Merlin TSM’s; they were replaced by higher-WAF but inferior-sounding Dynaudio Stand 6’s, which in stock form are quite light and choked the sound of the Silverlines. Fortunately I was able to get them to a better place with some tweaks; not as good as the Osiris, but close. A better choice sonically might be something like the Target Audio MR stand with the four pillars mass-loaded.

Pulling them out further improves imaging, but they still work well relatively close to the back wall.

Placement was pretty standard for a monitor speaker - keep it at least a couple feet from the back wall, with a 2:3 width-to-listener distance ratio and toed in about halfway. In my room, which has a number of living constraints, I had the back of the speaker about 21” from the wall, tweeters 76” apart and the plane of the speaker 8 ft. from my ears. While many small-box monitors rely (often excessively) on rear ports for low-end boost, the bass tuning on the SR17 is far more subtle and sophisticated - putting my ear to the port, I heard a fairly modest amount of output. I remarked this to Alan, and he described the port as more a method of pressure equalization than bass volume. This means in a pinch I could push the speakers as close as 12" from the wall without fear of low notes booming out of control. All in all, for being such a high-performing design, the SR17 is remarkably easy to live with.

The Sound

The first thing my wife, a professional oboist, noticed about music through the SR17 is how dynamically alive it was. I had just wrapped up my review of the Silverline Minuet Grand, a superb $2k speaker that is no dynamic slouch itself. And even though the SR17 was fresh out of the box and Alan warned me it would take some time to run in, the very first notes from the SR17 sung with expressiveness and vibrance. I think it took all of 15 minutes of listening to Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra streaming radio for her to remark, “I like this speaker.” She’s normally nonchalant about hi-fi, and yet has ears that can pick apart sonic deficiencies in about 90 seconds, so that amounts to a rave! And what made it so immediately engaging wasn't some artificial emphasis or hype; it was a feeling of unimpeded dynamic flow that makes most other speakers sound a bit drab. The SR17 lets music breath freely, carrying you with the ebb and flow of a tune and conveying every turn of a phrase with a sense of ease and conviction.

The next thing we noticed is how natural and palpable everything sounds through the SR17. Tonally, the SR17 is on the very slightly warm side of neutral; it combines reassuring solidity and density from the mid-bass through the midrange with an open, extended top end and fine harmonic resolution. Its ability to paint with a wide palette of tonal colors brings out the distinctive character of instruments and voices, making orchestral music a delight - just put on a Living Stereo recording such as Debussy’s Iberia [Tidal, Qobuz, Spotify] and the front of your room will explode with the virtuosity of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra’s playing. Scale it down to smaller stuff like a Beethoven string quartet, and you’ll savor the finer gradations of timbre between the cello, viola and violin.

What you won’t notice is any discontinuity between the woofer and tweeter. These Dynaudio drivers were made to work together, and the minimal crossover mating them is superbly executed. The upper midrange around the crossover point is seamless, and I can’t remember a single moment over the course of hundreds of hours of listening when I noticed the tweeter sticking out on the face of the speaker, something that ails even the finest, most expensive dynamic speakers from time to time. In this respect the SR17 is up there with the very best and is utterly free of listening fatiguing.

As a violinist, I feel obliged to point out the Silverline’s superb reproduction of the violin G string. If you ever want to test out a speaker’s tonal truthfulness in the lower midrange (right around middle C, 262Hz), put on the 2nd movement of the Glazunov violin concerto performed by Jascha Heifetz [Tidal, Qobuz, Spotify], or the 2nd movement of the Sibelius concerto performed by Lisa Batiashvili [Tidal, Spotify]. This is oh-so-tricky to get right; as the lowest string on the instrument, it’s the richest and deepest; and yet the violin is not a viola or cello - it’s a more subtle and delicate richness. Speakers that lack body will sound thin and washed out and minimize the difference in timbre vs. the D string above; woolly or bloated speakers will thicken it or blow the instrument out of proportion. The SR17 performs this balancing act better than anything I’ve heard in my living room, or in most any system for that matter. It rides the line between warmth and clarity in that register, lending tangible realism to piano, male vocals and low brass instruments as well.

Going down the frequency range, the SR17’s extra cabinet volume vs. a typical mini monitor gives it power and scale more akin to a floorstander. My room is a 17 x 19 x 8.5 ft. open layout living/kitchen area with floor-to-ceiling windows and an offset listening point along the long wall, so while not huge, it presents a bit of an acoustic challenge that smaller speakers have struggled to fill. The SR17 had no trouble projecting a big, bold sonic image, and can cleanly play as loud as you’d reasonably want in such a space. It has sufficient body and power down to 60Hz or so to give music real foundation, with meaningful output down to 40Hz. I think Silverline’s quoted 32Hz bottom limit is a bit optimistic (or perhaps you just need the right room), and I preferred the speaker with my REL T-9 subwoofer providing a little extra oomph. But for a great many listeners in moderately-sized spaces, this will be all the speaker you ever need. Listening to “The Elephant” from Saint-Saëns Carnival of the Animals [Tidal, Qobuz, Spotify], a track I’ve heard on some very full-range speakers (e.g. Focal Grande Utopia EM Evo), the double bass is big and present, lacking a bit of rumble that was easily provided by flipping on the REL sub. Piano left hand similarly has nice weight, never sounding diminished in scale as typically happens on small monitors. Debussy’s Ariettes oubliées song cycle from the album Paysages by soprano Susanna Phillips and pianist Myra Huang [Tidal, Spotify] is a lovely test of colors, with ethereal vocals floating above dark undertones from the piano’s lower register. The Silverline possesses suficient extension and body to bring out these contrasts with depth and balance.

At the opposite end, the old-school Esotar tweeter is still one of the most musical high frequency transducers around. It balances detail with smoothness, extends low enough to mate perfectly with the woofer, and never sounds strained - a substantial upgrade in resolution and realism over the typical metal or silk domes in lesser speakers. In top-end extension and speed it might be bettered by some of the newfangled devices like Focal’s beryllium or B&W’s diamond domes, Scanspeak’s latest Revelator or the fantastic AMT in the Audiovector SR 1, but it’s a relatively small sin of omission and a worthwhile trade off to avoid any hint of unnatural edge or ringing. And it still has plenty of sharpness and sparkle, lending nice bite to trumpets and sheen to triangles and cymbals.

Last but not least, there’s that soundstage - present and tactile, but never in-your-face. Particularly when coupled with gear with sufficient resolution to relay subtle ambient information, e.g. the Pass XP10 preamp, there’s a real sense of the layout and layers of a symphony orchestra. The hi-res LSO Live recording of Mendelssohn’s "Reformation" Symphony with the London Symphony/Gardiner [Tidal, Qobuz, Spotify] paints a vivid picture of the stage of the Barbican, with brass fanfares anchored closer to the back wall of the fan-shaped stage, and the smaller string section sounding up front and intimate. An interesting twist in this performance is Sir Gardiner had the violinists standing to emphasize the virtuosity of Mendelssohn’s writing, and while I can’t say I would have been able to tell this from listening alone, the Silverline does convey a subtle sense of freedom and space to the violin section that I’ve missed when listening to the recording on other systems. And it has no trouble imaging well outside the bounds of the speaker, with percussion and harp on the extreme left of the stage floating eerily behind and beyond the left speaker.

I think my wife put it best when I asked her one day how the system sounded with the Silverlines: “this is what I imagine it sounded like in the concert hall.” While I’ve broken down a bunch of its strengths in audiophile terms above, it’s the way it puts everything together into a musically vivid whole that makes it special. There’s an evenness of tone, a naturalness of perspective, an ease of dynamic expression, a consistency of refinement from top to bottom that gives music a sense of rightness that allows one to forget the hi-fi aspects and focus on the musical performance. In this respect, Alan Yun has crafted something truly masterful in the SR17 Supreme.

Caveats & Comparisons

I’ll nitpick a few things that were relatively minor deficiencies to my ears, but may weigh more heavily for people with different tastes. These were highlighted in my own home by direct comparison with another very fine monitor speaker, the Audiovector SR 1 Avantgarde Arreté ($6,200 in premium finish). I also have my long-term reference, the Merlin TSM-MXe (around $6k several years ago) as a baseline.

First off, I suspect the Silverline’s hint of lower midrange warmth, while sounding natural and consonant with much of my favored acoustic music, may come from a bit of otherwise well-controlled cabinet resonance. It gently highlights the woody quality of acoustic instruments, but with electronic music it comes across as a slight coloration - a bit like wearing orange-tinted sunglasses that make everything look a little less cool. It’s very subtle, and not enough to sound overtly “boxy” or throw voices off, but it’s not transcendentally-clean like the Audiovector or, say, a Magico. My sense is Alan wisely tuned the SR17 cabinet for this response, as additional bracing would just make the resonance peakier and higher in frequency where the ear is more sensitive; as it is, it’s a gentle and diffuse coloration. Part of this may also be the sonic signature of the Esotec woofer’s magnesium silicate polymer cone, which I’ve heard in a number of speakers and to my ears trades better damping for a hair less crispness vs. some of the fancier treated paper or composite cones out there. On the plus side, it never sounds dry as some of those drivers can, but with Erlend Øye’s Unrest [Tidal, Qobuz, Spotify] or Carley Rae Jepsen’s Emotion [Tidal, Qobuz, Spotify] I found the Audiovector conveyed more of hard-wired immediacy and edge suitable for those albums. 

Taking turns with the Audiovector SR 1 Avantgarde Arreté

Another area where the Audiovector came out slightly ahead of the Silverlines was in resolution during loud dynamic peaks. The Audiovector is truly special in this regard, being designed for minimal signal compression and sounding incredibly collected the louder you play them. The Silverline also plays loudly with ease, but vs. the über-clean Audiovector it’s very slightly thicker and more congested. Case in point are the fortissimo climaxes and interruptions in Rossini’s L’italiana in Algeri overture [Tidal, Spotify] - when the orchestra comes crashing in after the pianissimo pizzicato opening, both speakers are clean and explosive, but the Audiovector sorts out the different instruments playing in unison for that brief moment a hair better, while the Silverline has more low-end oomph.

As mentioned prior, the Silverline’s superb Esotar tweeter isn’t the state-of-the-art in extension. It has plenty of resolution, but if you favor extremely extended and airy highs, e.g. the 52kHz-rated AMT tweeter in the Audiovector will give you more of that. I don’t think that ultimately matters so much for musical enjoyment (and many people can’t hear very well above 10kHz anyway), but it does make a subtle difference in realism. It also makes the Silverline’s treble a bit more forgiving of poor recordings and upstream components (silver cables could work) - it’ll never, ever burn your ears off.

The $7,500 price tag of the Silverline puts it squarely above the very crowded $5k-and-under monitor crowd, but short of the $10k+ “super monitor” category. Comparisons with other speakers are more conjecture on my part as I haven’t heard them in my own room... but I’ll mention a few things I’ve gotten a good listen to at shows, dealers, and other people’s systems.

Paradigm’s Persona series seems to be mentioned quite frequently in audio forums these days, and I heard the Persona B monitor ($7,000) briefly at RMAF. I’ve also listened to the floorstanding Persona 3F a bit, and there’s definitely a common house sound - fast, crisp, detailed and dynamic. I’ve never warmed up to either of them - they’ve struck me as rather strident, with instrumental interplays like oboes and clarinets playing in harmony tending to sound compressed. The Silverline by comparison may sound a bit thicker, but it has far more natural instrumental timbre to my ears, is less bright and thus easier to match to more systems, throws a more dimensional and properly-placed soundstage, and is very nearly as “fast” without sounding edgy. I’m honestly at a loss as to why the Personas are garnering so much praise, so maybe it’s just me? A similar argument could be made for the B&W 805 S3 ($6,000) - while I haven’t auditioned them specifically, I’m pretty familiar with the 800-series sound and again, it’s not my cup of tea. The Silverline’s balance and openness just strike me as much more natural than anything I’ve heard from B&W. So if the likes of B&W and Paradigm leave you a bit cold, the SR17 Supreme might be a step in the right direction.

An obvious comparison is to Dynaudio’s own bookshelves, specifically the Contour 20 ($5,000) and Special Forty ($2,995). You can read about them in my quick review from a dealer audition, and while I haven’t heard them head-to-head, I posit that the Silverline a worthwhile step up in coherence and musicality. If you can’t stretch the budget for the Silverline I think the Special Forty would be a good alternative, but it does not have the near-reference level neutrality of the Silverline. In the past Dynaudio had a bit of a reputation for not being as good at implementing their own drivers in complete loudspeakers as other companies were, and while I think their latest efforts are much improved, Alan Yun still seems to be squeezing more out of the old Esotar/Esotec drivers in the SR17... methinks this is a reflection of Alan’s sharp ear and painstaking hand-tuning.

A few more offhandish observations based on extremely limited auditions, so take with a block of salt: I heard the Wilson Audio TuneTot ($9,800) at a dealer shortly after its release. With the caveats that it’s designed for a totally different use case, it was in an unfamiliar setup and this pair wasn’t fully run in, I didn’t find it nearly as compelling or expressive. I got a good listen to the TAD Micro Evolution One ($12,495) with a couple different amps and found its midrange rather dry, upper midrange a bit peaky and its bass lacking fullness and extension vs. the Silverline. The Artist Cloner Rebel Reference ($16k w/stands) wowed me at RMAF - it seemed to have more speed and resolution than the Silverline, though the upper midrange was a hair pronounced. It would be an interesting comparison, even at twice the price. Another interesting monitor at RMAF was the Stenheim Alumine Two ($13k) which was super clean and detailed, but perhaps not as liquid. A more logical competitor/upgrade could be the Sonus faber Electa Amator III ($10k) that I also heard at RMAF. That speaker absolutely blew me away with its expressiveness, natural richness, insane dynamics and huge presentation in the show setup. It’s the speaker that I’m most dying to compare to the Silverline.

And to wrap up the comparison to my Merlins and the Audiovectors - I sold my beloved Merlins shortly after receiving the Silverlines, and wound up purchasing both the Silverlines and the Audiovectors as I just couldn’t decide between the two. That should give you an idea of just how much I like them both; I’ll have more to say about the Audiovector in a forthcoming review.

Verdict

It's been said speakers mirror the personality of their designers, and if you've met the talented and affable Alan Yun no doubt you’ll feel his influence. Much like the man behind it, the SR17 Supreme is sharp, earnest and engaging, yet easy-going, with an unforced warmth and great attention to detail. There’s something grounded and unfussy about the way it allows music to flow forth, feeling like it's taken an expressive limiter off of a recording without hyping it in any way. It checks off many of the audiophile boxes too - imaging, tonal balance, bass power and extension, etc. etc. - but focusing on those mechanical aspects, as excellent as they are, would be selling Alan’s accomplishment short. The SR17 Supreme is first and foremost a faithful and thoroughly enjoyable reproducer of music, one capable of strongly evoking the beauty of the original musical event. There are countless 2-way monitors superficially like this one, but few that I know that are so meticulously and lovingly tuned to such great effect.

I've spent a lot of words espousing this speaker, but I think it's deserving of it, not just because of the obvious quality of the product, but because Silverline is a small manufacturer flying under the radar without a big dealer network or advertising budget. While Alan continues to develop his entry-level Minuet and Prelude lines at a more rapid pace to keep up with market demands, he doesn’t pen up new versions of his reference models every couple years to generate hype. He’s instead chosen his design fundamentals wisely and focused on perfecting their execution through years of painstaking refinement, much as the late Bobby Palkovic @ Merlin Music did. Like Bobby, he has a great ear for music, does a lot of the production work himself, and gains most of his sales through word of mouth. This does make it trickier to find than the big brands at a typical shop, but I strongly encourage seeking out an opportunity to hear it. The SR17 Supreme is a special speaker, and it won't be leaving my living room any time soon.

Silverline Audio P.O. Box 30574 Walnut Creek, CA 94598 USA

[mccartneymattingly49-blog]

Most effective secrets of yoga the fact that help in managing severe pain in 2019

We all of recognized that yoga could be very attractive cutting down stress, anxiety issues as well as even depression. Although a really few people might own little know-how about the particular secret that pilates can certainly heal chronic discomfort very. Various researches are actually performed that daily life tension, stress and anxiety, and depression make alteration of the human brain construction, while yoga exercise is usually performed to have such alterations to take place; yet , it was recently proven the fact that long-term pain will be relieved too simply by performing specific yoga positions. Which pilates poses support in getting rest from persistent pain? The individuals suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, bone muscle mass disorders or almost any form of long-term discomfort can take the aid of pilates with a number of medical supports to have pain relief from long-term discomfort for good. • Reducing long-term pain by performing yogic postures: One thing a person need to bear in mind every time you are about to be able to carry out any yoga exercise posture you have to very careful inside of beginning in addition to follow every and every step gradually and steadily. Begin by way of executing simple breathing routines just like –the cat-cow offer which is actually doing end bends in seated or perhaps position positions. Eventually, proceed to something more lively like the Tadasana that is usually the mountain pose together with then slowly switch straight into Urdva Hastasana that can be the over head pose put into practice by static if you are a newbie otherwise dynamic Warrior postures both 1 together with 3. You can also perform various other yogic postures similar to the donward-facing dog cause also known as typically the Adho Mukha Svanasana and a lot more to activate the blood vessels movement throughout your system. When you are done in elevating the blood movement amount you need to help perform certain meditation posture in order to bring back your whole body to normal conditions that include –Viparita Karani in which you have to raise your legs versus the wall together with continue being in the same place to get a good few a few minutes and in the end is typically the Balasana pose to help peaceful your body down. buy cialis 20mg online can be done these poses of yoga exercise with some medicines in order to get the help of serious soreness. Buy tramadol online for you to aid the lowering regarding chronic pain using yoga. • Do some respiration job: You need to on a regular basis process some breathing physical exercises so as to regulate the breathing of your entire body that will help in the correct repair of blood provide throughout the body thereby aiding in pain managing. • Improved focus for pleasure: By increasing the stage of concentration in a person can help your body to be able to relaxation like the Savasana that helps in creating informed relaxation methods for you to increase the blood circulation within the body. You will be able to perform the poses connected with yoga exercise with certain assistance by experts from the particular medical field to help remedy serious pain for good. How can yoga help in giving chronic pain on the regular basis? • According for you to various reports done, average exercises that mainly require in the pushing and relaxing of the muscle tissues in the body will help in discomfort supervision. Yoga certainly matches this particular criterion. Many medical doctors just about all over the world advise taking accompanied by a yoga together with proper Tramadol dosage therefore as to manage severe pain. • As by performing yoga, your mind de-stresses plus the flow of bloodstream increases due to typically the excess supply of breathable oxygen and thus manipulating the pain administration center with your brain. buy lorazepam 2mg Practising yoga upon a good normal basis can certainly boost the particular level of your physique coming from responding to soreness and suffering and consequently helping in persistent soreness management. • Combine meditation together with certain breathing workout routines and even medications to deal with the particular muscle anxiety which could be the underlying cause of chronic problems triggered in your body. This particular issue can easily absolutely get treated with typically the yogic postures and breathing in exercises. • Patients of arthritis rheumatoid or maybe any joint-related issues happen to be advisable to take help of yoga exercise with certain OTC drugs like Tramadol Pills often to get relief from stiffed joint capsules and chronic pain; as performing yoga daily exercises the muscles of your body thus, making them flexible in addition to helps move the joints around a range of motion and thus reducing the problems. In the long name, you can even get eliminate associated with the persistent pain totally by undertaking a number of yogic postures each day. • When your body is considering persistent pain it will lose a chance to deal with any additional stresses associated with life. However, combining yoga with a number of medicinal drugs can assist you deal with such situations. • Not merely yoga helps you in working with persistent pain on a daily basis and also with the stresses of daily life leading to anger administration problems, anxiety issues and even much more. These are typically primarily the underlying causes of deteriorating the intensity of chronic suffering in this body and thereby practising yoga daily will assist you dispense the issues all together. Bottom collection: Now that you’ve got known about the particular yoga positions to have aid in pain management, you can take selected medical assist as well to be able to get relief from typically the excruciating pain on a good daily basis. Blend typically the medications along with yoga exercise to get instant pain relief from persistent pain. Palinode: The information which is provided in the blog/article can easily no way be tried with all the suggestions from certified physicians or physicians; the idea is simply for your own personal expertise purpose. Likewise, Internet Health and fitness takes not any accountability about the warnings that will may well have been have missed which can be approved by often the FDA. For more information details with regards to the specific notices given by the FDA it is advisable to visit the original internet site.

[queernuck]

Specters of Sex: Terror, Reaction, and #MeToo in Contemporary Discourses of Sexual Bodies

Discussing the #MeToo movement, as well as larger structures of discourse around sexual violence in society, inevitably leads to a discussion of the act of accusation, the blowing of the referee’s whistle that stops play, that creates the Event of accusation out of a field of play, interaction, of both conjunctive and opposing flows of libidinal power, the point at which the accusation is levied. When Kanye West rapped about it on his album ye he talked about Russel Simmons, saying that Simmons got “#metoo’d” before “wondering” about how he would handle the same, if it happened to “me, too.” On an album full of contradictions, of statements whose post-Žižek character leads to a genuine questioning of just what Kanye means to do in his musical work, in his performances, in creating and expanding a platform for himself, the way in which this presents a sort of encapsulation of how many approach the specter of sexual violence in contemporary spaces. 

To concentrate first on men, a large part of the discursive flow surrounding male reaction to #MeToo (both in concept and in named examples) is encompassed by the emergence of a certain common anxiety, that expressed by Kanye: what if I, too, am accused? There have been countless arguments about this, about the means by which the accused is marked as having a certain sort of body that must be understood in a certain fashion, notions floated that #MeToo could kill dating, the film industry, the advancement of women in the workplace, humor, even the very concept of space that is not marked solely as male and a resolute promise to never venture into “female” space, into intersubjectivity with female bodies, a kind of refusal of being-at-woman’s-hand. The immediate response, of course, is the one that prevails, with good reason despite uncomfortable aesthetics. If there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to fear. Stating it in such a way is uncanny, in that it resembles Bush-era surveillance and the extension of evangelical sexual mores into public policy, and thus diffusing into the panoptics of state control. The same response is often used to justify attempts to regulate spaces in the name of stopping trafficking, the dissemination of child pornography, the distribution and consumption of illicit or diverted drugs. An unease at this prospect should be apparent, and moreover should raise the question of why such phrasing would be applied to an ostensibly admirable movement, even one that is largely within liberal sensibilities of action. In an attempt to recognize trauma, victimization, violence, there is often an inadvertent capitulation to the structures of carceral justice, whether in pursuing a response that is sustained through these apparatuses, or in backing away from responding specifically to avoid them.

To return to the examples listed above, the extension of prisons into hospitals, schools, other public meeting-places during the post-9/11 transition into the contemporary space of neoliberal globalization, one finds that the courses of action proposed are not about their stated goals, but rather an embodiment of the unstated, the taboo intent, the Southern Strategy of the law. It is understood that the law does not target those it explicitly targets, at least not primarily. Rather, it instead is an apparatus of deniability, such that acts of colonial violence may be justified with proper legal backing. This is the first point at which #MeToo may be distinguished from such laws and the actions taken through them. There is nothing binding about the accusations levied by victims, there is rarely even a particular call to action. Rather, it is far more akin to a confession of status as a victim, as if the victim had themselves committed the offense. The apparent-speediness with which certain punishments or apparent acts of atonement are completed, the way in which it seems to be a sort of swift justice making itself known, is in fact more likely an indication that the act of coming forward is in fact producing an event out of ongoing flows of interaction. To return to the event of the soccer match and the referee’s whistle, a metaphor proposed by Brian Massumi in discussing different concepts of potentiality within the Virtual, he describes the means by which the whistle entails a collapsing of potential, the point at which an “event” is marked and play ceases. Soccer’s running clock, of course, shows that the stoppage is not quite that, is not a stoppage proper as in other sports, but rather a means by which one may name acts and restructure their relationship to one another, to implement the process described in Deleuzean concepts of expanse and Oedipal trauma, in Heideggerian acts of phenomenological encounter, of calling to mind, acts of memory. There is a presence of the act of violence in the moment of accusation, but that is as realizing the culmination of flows that include the act that the accuser is describing, the violence and trauma they have suffered. At once it is in the moment of accusation that the trauma is realized, but insofar as one describes time in a linear fashion, as a unidirectional flow within consciousness, the realization of numerous potential pasts, spaces of potentiality, repeated and co-witnessed in the present.

The way in which a disingenuous defense regarding wrongful accusation has become such a common one points to a larger anxiety regarding the means by which #MeToo has come to the fore: it is through the realization of trauma as not a failure of the personal, but rather as a continual repetition of the initial violence through different experiences of triggering, retraumatization, a fundamental shift in the potential of one’s subjective experience that the violence at hand is named. Thus, rape and sexual assault, sexual abuse, can become something far greater than their status as singular acts, as whistles which are taken to be similarly obvious, the result of an Other, poor-in-the-world, breaking a clear prohibition. The trouble with this conceptualization of abuse and assault is that it acts to exclude the vast majority of abusive behaviors, the means through which abuse is not only realized but the surrounding structure of enabling, justification, and acceptance that is so deeply embedded within the acts of sexing and gendering the body that they effectively form its most violent realization, are ontologically linked to it. So many of the punishments surrounding the prohibitions of gender, transgressions thereof, and regulating them, ensuring they will not be repeated, are based in sexual violence that it is understood any act of sexual violence will be justified as an ironic mirroring of the violent act, as justified by this or that transgression. But the singular conceptualization, the narrow marking of violence as such, is flawed specifically because it requires creating singular actors, singular acts of trauma, the impossibility of re-victimization.

The fundamental recognition, then, that must be made is the one that is most feared, the one rejected by such criticisms of #MeToo as a specter of unjustified accusations, female flows of libidinal energy unchecked by male measuring thereof, what happens when women are allowed to assert their bodies as such, to make a counterclaim against the sexual striation of their body, the traumatic collapsing of their body into a collection of organs as fetish-objects. That so much of harassment is constituted not by actions that cross the threshold into rape or sexual assault, but rather by the assertion of certain spaces of potential by men who will never realize such potential, men who are asserting that a woman’s body can realize these things even if not with them, even if not in relation to them, becomes clear as the fundamental problem. That these acts are so often understood as simply a “part” of masculine identity, of what makes maleness coherent, the regulatory function against women becomes clear. These acts are part of a larger arrangement of sexual violence that has become part of culture in a fundamental fashion, which is then realized in the fear that without realization, without the whistle of accusation, one has engaged in unacceptable conduct already, is already marked and simply waiting for others to realize it. It is an acceptance of understanding combined with a rejection of responsibility, a kind of acknowledgement that the paradigms of sexual violence are foundational to realizing gendered structures of interaction.

Of course, there are fears that a reversal of this, an accusatory process of targeting that specifically reinforces violence through the accusation of sexual abuse in order to open up a body to a sexualized process of response, will be realized, but it is not terribly difficult to realize that this fear is one unlikely to be visited on many who would vocalize it in opposition to #MeToo. White womanhood is sexually violent in that it constitutes a specific sexualization and gendering of white supremacist ideology, and the means by which accusations of sexual impropriety have been used in order to target black men is undeniable. The disparity at hand is one that is essentially racialized, that is realized not through gender or sex themselves, but rather takes gender and sex and creates them as a sort of structure of intersubjectivity within whiteness. This is an established tactic of white supremacist violence, one that does not even necessitate action by any white woman in particular, that can merely be realized and justified on behalf of the ideal of the white woman, as a protection of the space that white women occupy. It becomes clear that this is not about wrongful accusation, but rather about providing a fantasy from which the libidinal flows of white supremacist violence may pour. 

There are numerous fantasies that are used in order to justify violence that speaks breathlessly of sexuality, and homophobia, transmisogyny, the violence of heteronormative ideology and the codification of homosexuality as a structure of taboo, of a limit upon the homosocial and homoerotic, as a means of prohibition of gay, lesbian, transgender identities and acts of affinity or identification is thus often sexualized, in a fashion that leads to the use of accusations of violent harassment, sexual abuse, or other actions simply based on identity. That this possibility must be considered, that the ideation of the predatory nature of such identities is so deeply ingrained in the language surrounding them that realizing one’s identity almost inevitably means dealing with the question of predators in one’s community, contact with such predators, an acceptance of their presence as undeniable and an attempt to understand exactly how to protect oneself from them is a common experience in LGBT communities. The means through which individuals may be traumatized and still act in an abusive fashion, may slip into abusive relationships, may undergo an Oedipal act of retraumatization and themselves pass on ideology that retains the harmful character of this predatory structure, that retains a predatory notion of acceptability in sexuality, must be dealt with. However, it will not be dealt with by simply accepting that these identities, trans women often targeted with particular vitriol, are themselves predatory and in need of repression, sublimation into nothingness. Instead, a critical examination of sexuality and sexual norms, sexuality as a process of expression and growth and intersubjectivity must be fostered. That there are predatory, violent trans women who indeed are rapists and moreover must be exposed as rapists is not to be allowed to become a justification for transmisogynist violence, especially given that trans women are so often the victims in these situations. By adapting ideological defenses of white womanhood to the structure of sex, by taking white supremacist ideology and resignifying it in a certain radical feminist language, TERFs manage to take an aesthetic of liberation and transfigure it into a political program a few steps away from traditionalist and reactionary ideology, as seen in the friendship between such groups and their convergence on the question of trans women. This is not accidental, it is specifically because of the fascist character of both ideologies at hand. 

Accusation, then, can indeed be used as a tool of violence. A tool of terror, even. But what is to be done in response? How must one live if one understands that shifting perceptions regarding genuine experience of trauma means that one has likely in some way contributed to ideology that reinforces sexual violence at the very least? A process of atonement, reconciliation, of being able to face the Other and reach toward a transcendent expression of commitment must be the primary goal. The ways that sexualized performances of affect, affinity, the processes of realization of sexual desire are tied to so many flows of trauma both located after, before, and within the potential-space of expressing sexuality means that any navigation of sexuality will be fraught. It will, in some way, be overcoded by a language of sexuality that implies certain relationships to white supremacist notions of gendered and racialized appearance, the Oedipal implementation of sexuality as a kind of incestuous act that centers around a conceptual family to-be, a fetishization of the family as a result of sexual encounter, the traumas of doubt and uncertainty and unconscionable change that sexuality realizes, these are the forces at work. Sexuality is complex, and being able to recognize this complexity is all but useless because simply recognizing it does not mean exemption from it.

What, then, of terror? In Lenin 2017, Žižek’s introduction describes one of Robespierre’s final speeches, where the question of revolutionary terror is discussed in detail. Žižek, knowing the answer, poses the question of how Robespierre can deal with the lurking possibility of revolutionary terror turning on him. Rather than offering a defense, Robespierre justifies it by embracing it, by claiming that if it were to turn on him, if he were to be a target of such terror, it would be a justified and fit end. In this way, one should begin to fashion a response to many of the anxieties offered over accusations of sexual misconduct, of processes of correcting violence done through sexual acts of all different magnitudes. Accepting this, accepting the possibility of punishment, the condemnation that results, is, in a sense, the most apt response because it not only recognizes the violence of a given action but takes with utmost seriousness the notion that one can commit such actions without even realizing how they cross the threshold into violence, how violence is repeated without either subject quite realizing. Referring back to intentionally targeting accusations based on race, gender, sexuality, one must of course account for the magnitude and character of accusations when responding. But this is the sort of space that demands a response, and demands one that leaves no room for misinterpretation. Restructuring discourses on sexual assault in order to prevent accusations that turn out to be incorrect, when such accusations are not only rare but largely dictated by circumstances that are vastly different from the ones proposed by those steering such a discourse, must be avoided. Instead, an entirely new concept of sexuality, of exactly what sexuality constitutes, must be the basis for a continuing development of language that can deal with the traumatic and experiences of traumatization. 

[what-even-is-thiss]

ADHD Sides

Most of the ADHD headcanons have been of Patton which is nice, but imagine an alternate universe where we’re considering all of them. Okay? Okay.

Patton

Hyperactive-impulsive type

He doesn’t actually have that many problems with attention, he’s just hyperactive and impulsive as heck

Feels a lot. Feels many things. Sometimes it’s hard for him to even understand how much he’s feeling.

Likely to bounce on the balls of his feet and grip his hands tight and curl his lips in and make noise to regulate the flow of energy

Is the type to just kind of accept the consequences of his impulsive decisions.

Well I wanted to touch the pretty hot wax and I did and now my finger hurts. Oh well, I know first aid.

Well I wanted Thomas to eat an entire pie and he did and now our stomach hurts really bad. Ah well. It tasted good.

Stutters when he’s excited

Gets super passionate about things he likes and can’t figure out how to properly express it.

Constantly moving, swaying even when he’s standing properly.

Roman

Combined type

Has approximately 1,245.7 unfinished projects.

Sometimes when you’re talking to him he’ll be writing in a book or humming to himself or practicing sword moves and you’ll think he’s not paying attention but then later will be able to recite word for word what you said.

Will change the subject at random times because he can’t hold in what he has to talk about and he’s been thinking about it forever. (Actually about 30 seconds but who can tell the difference)

Has 10,000 things he’s thinking about at any given time. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Hey, Thomas wants a talking owl so bad okay?

Fidgets and stims in subtle ways like how he moves his fingers or rubs his toes against the inside of his shoes or something. It’s been drilled into his head he should be proper so he fidgets in really subtle ways.

If he was unimpeded he would be jumping and flapping his arms all over the place. The closest we saw of him losing control would’ve been the I’m in a Disney show video.

First impulse: Attack! Oops I just almost took Morality’s entire face off.

Brain works at the speed of light, making connections others might take hours to see. Helps with creative projects.

If he’s not interested he just can’t pay attention. Would rather fight something or take a nap.

If it’s not interesting or leading to what he wants then literally what is the point of doing it he doesn’t understand

Hyper focuses when he’s cleaning because he’s kind of a neat freak. If you bother him when he’s cleaning his nails prepare to be decapitated because he’s completely absorbed in what he’s doing.

Same if he’s acting or giving a speech. Interrupting him while he’s doing this is basically suicide.

Will never stay still for more than ten minutes. He needs to be doing something. Watching tv. Cleaning. Working on a project. Coming up with a joke. Something. Anything. Needs to do something.

Logan

Innatentive type, but pretty mild

Gets hyperfixated on things. Mystery novels, astronomy, big words, chemistry. Lowkey constantly thinking about it 24/7.

Either feels everything at once or nothing at all. Hours or days of almost no emotion and being unimpressed and then a few seconds of really intense emotion.

He’s usually pretty surprised by his own outbursts but sometimes he catches them. Even so, it’s pretty obvious when he’s trying to repress them.

Certain subjects are really touchy and can set him off in a second. Sometimes they don’t make any sense, even to him. Like when someone insults his nonexistent mother.

Sometimes he’ll see something like a ball or eraser flying at his head and think “I should move out of the way now.” but he doesn’t and gets hit with it.

Sometimes does the thing where he’s concentrating so hard on one thing that he forgets to breathe for a few seconds.

Doesn’t or can’t always think about the emotional consequences of what he’s saying until after he says it. He has social skills, sometimes they just take a break for a few seconds.

“Obvious” things can fly over his head. A lot. He’s not mad when they’re pointed out to him usually though. He’s used to it by now.

Clicks pens and taps on things to no end. Probably has a fidget toy he can subtly play with in his pocket. Shakes his leg when at desks.

Sometimes when he’s thinking really hard about a problem he’ll stand or sit completely still for hours on end and it can look a little disturbing.

Sometimes it’s the complete opposite. When you hear constant footsteps coming from Logic’s room you know he’s thinking a lot and really fast.

Often thinks by talking. It’s common for the others to hear him talking to himself. It’s just how he processes information. Also why he talks so much and exposition dumps during debates.

Will work on something for hours and then suddenly come out of it and be like “Wait a moment. Did I forget to eat again?” And then realizes he’s really thirsty and hasn’t gone to the restroom all day.

Virgil

Inattentive type

Can’t sit in one position. Will sit on the arm of the couch, upside down on the couch with his feet on the wall, on the floor, hunched over, sitting up straight, lying down, and cross-legged all in the space of twenty minutes.

If he can’t keep changing positions he can’t think, and if he can’t think he becomes more anxious, and that is never good.

Multitasking addiction. Will watch tv, scroll through Tumblr, tidy his area, and make a list all at the same time while quietly planning what he wants for dinner in his head.

Like Logic, his emotions are often all or nothing. Just not quite as extreme in how fast this changes. (he doesn’t really have outbursts and his periods of feeling too much last a bit longer so it’s a bit easier to not show them)

Sometimes this leads to him not caring about the full consequences of what he says and sometimes caring too much about what he says. Switching between villain ‘do whatever it takes to get this done damn the emotional consequences’ mindset and self-conscious ‘oh dear god I destroy everything I touch’ mindset.

Often this switch happens subtly in the space of a few seconds, like in the originality video.

He has better impulse control then Patton or Creativity but it still can be a problem sometimes. Catch him drinking an entire pot of coffee at four in the afternoon and then crashing for twelve hours because he forgot that caffeine makes him tired.

Tends to focus on information he thinks helps him. Finds information that contradicts his point of view to be boring or frustrating. See: My Negative Thinking.

Will fidget by biting his fingers or nails when he’s scared or concentrating. He’s trying to stop biting his fingers and skin to fidget but sometimes he realizes he’s doing it without thinking.

Has mastered the art of carrying on a conversation while only knowing half the information.

Can hyperfocus on problems or distressing things and doesn’t find it fun but is so absorbed in it that he can’t stop.

Hyperfixations can include things like conspiracy theories, aesthetic related emo/goth stuff, and whatever problems he thinks the rest of the mind is creating.

Breaking routine is frustrating. If it’s broken he gets mad and might forget to do simple things like shower or eat.

[guthealthglasgow]

What are the top reasons for SIBO recurrence?

Unfortunately, SIBO recurrence is not uncommon. “Sixty-five percent of all SIBO cases require retreatment,” says Sarah Steinberg, MDPhD , a double-board certified internal medicine and gastroenterology physician at Parsley Health. This number can be lower if you’ve undergone some type of post-treatment maintenance program with the help of a health professional. But still, it’s hard to completely eliminate the chance of recurrence.

As for why SIBO recurs, there are several possibilities. A big one: “I see a lot of people who get SIBO and then just want to go back to their old life—eating late, eating whatever they want, not exercising,” says Dr. Steinberg. Here, we dive into why these habits—and several other factors—can prime you for a SIBO repeat.

1. You were diagnosed with the wrong type of SIBO.

There are actually three different types of SIBO—hydrogen-dominant, methane-dominant, and sulfide-dominant—which refer to the main type of gas produced by the unwelcome bacteria in your small bowel. Specific antibiotics and herbal antimicrobials are used depending on the type of SIBO someone has. “A lot of time I see patients with hydrogen and methane SIBO, but their treatment was just focused on hydrogen, so they probably got inadequate treatment and we need to try again,” says Dr. Steinberg.

There’s also a possibility you didn’t have SIBO at all. When someone receives SIBO treatment several times but makes only minor improvements, Dr. Steinberg explores whether they may actually have small intestinal fungal overgrowth.

2. You received inadequate treatment for SIBO the first time.

If you received antibiotics as your sole form of SIBO treatment, it may not have been sufficient. “If we just kill the bacteria and don’t address anything else that got you here, you’re definitely going to increase your risk of recurrence,” says Dr. Steinberg. She, and other clinicians at Parsley Health, like to do a “maintenance phase” after a combined antibiotic and herbal antimicrobial treatment, which involves appropriate probiotics , supplements for gut-healing, and supplements to enhance motility (movement of food through the GI tract).

Fun fact: Anything that slows GI motility causes too much bacteria to remain (and multiply) in the small intestine, which can trigger SIBO recurrence.

3. You have an underlying condition that slows gut motility.

Speaking of gut motility, “some people have impaired small bowel motility due to chronic constipation, or an underlying condition like type I diabetes, celiac disease, Crohn’s disease, or hypothyroidism, which can predispose you to SIBO,” says Dr. Steinberg. So, appropriate management of these conditions, and taking specific steps to improve GI motility, may be necessary to treat SIBO and avoid recurrence.

4. You spend too much time sitting (and snacking).

Remember how Dr. Steinberg said patients who go back to (or never stopped) their old, unhealthy habits after SIBO treatment, often experience a relapse? Well, sitting for long stretches and all-day snacking (which often go hand-in-hand) are two of the big ones. Here’s why:

Sitting reduces blood flow to the digestive tract, which slows GI motility. This allows food to remain in the small intestines longer, which means bacteria can take up residence (and grow in numbers) where it shouldn’t, which is a recipe for SIBO recurrence.

Snacking can impair one of our body’s most important mechanisms for digestion—the migrating motor complex (MMC) . The MMC is a cyclic, recurring wave of movement that clears food out of the small bowel. It occurs every 90 minutes or so when your stomach is empty, but when you’re constantly adding food to your stomach, the MMC is inhibited and can’t sweep the small bowel clean like it should, says Dr. Steinberg.

5. You got food poisoning.

Interestingly, SIBO (and a SIBO recurrence) can be triggered by certain pathogenic bacteria. That’s because “an infectious insult, like a bad traveler’s diarrhea or food poisoning, can cause impairment in small bowel motility,” says Dr. Steinberg. Specifically, the bacteria that cause food poisoning such as E. coli, Campylobacter jejuni, Shigella, and Salmonella produce a substance called cytolethal distending toxin (CDT) , which can damage cells in the intestines and impair the MMC in certain people.

7 simple but effective ways to help prevent a SIBO recurrence

There’s actually a lot you can do to stay healthy and after SIBO treatment and prevent recurrence (as long as you weren’t treated for the wrong type of SIBO to begin with)—and most of that involves making diet and lifestyle changes that support long-term healthy gut function and motility.

1. Incorporate movement throughout your day.

According to Dr. Steinberg, the number one way we can support healthy motility is through movement—but going for one jog or taking one HIIT class and then sitting at your desk the rest of the day is not going to cut it. You need to be moving periodically throughout the day, too. “We all need to be getting up every 20 minutes, and if that’s not possible every 40 minutes to walk around, do a few balance exercises, do a few Sun Salutations, something to get moving,” she says. Some people may also benefit from post-meal walks.

2. Stop eating at least three hours before bedtime.

When it comes to eating, the cardinal rule for improving motility is to stop eating at least three hours before bed. This allows that migrating motor complex (MMC) to clear out the small bowel while you sleep . “If you eat right before bed, you’re inhibiting the MMC and putting your small bowel at a tremendous disadvantage,” says Dr. Steinberg.

3. Stop eating between meals (or try intermittent fasting).

Another way you can help your MMC do its thing: Avoid snacking between meals. “Basically you want to put three to five hours between meals to give your small bowel time to push things through,” says Dr. Steinberg. Certain intermittent fasting protocols may be helpful, as long as you’re not pushing your eating window too close to bedtime.

4. Eat a plant-heavy, nutrient-rich diet.

Specific foods aren’t thought to trigger SIBO directly, but a low-quality, highly processed diet may lead to constipation, which slows motility and increases risk of SIBO relapse. So what should you eat? While many experts recommend a low-FODMAP diet during SIBO treatment and for a short time after, Dr. Steinberg says it’s not a long-haul strategy since it can be restrictive. Over time, you want to gradually re-introduce so you’re eating a varied, plant-heavy, nutrient-rich diet with plenty of fiber and probiotic-rich foods to support gut health and regularity.

5. Manage your stress levels.

When you’re experiencing stress, various hormones are released that down-regulate digestion and trigger contraction of GI sphincter muscles, which can inhibit motility and slow food transit in the stomach and small intestines. Any steps you can take to manage stress—exercise, meditation , deep breathing—can help alleviate stress-induced motility issues, and thus, help reduce risk of SIBO recurrence. “I also really like self-hypnosis for SIBO or IBS in general,” says Dr. Steinberg, adding that some of her members at Parsley Health like the self-hypnosis app Nerva , which is designed to help you retrain the gut-brain connection .

Oh, and if you can do your stress-busting activity outside, that’s even better. Exposure to sunlight helps reset circadian rhythms, which is great, since circadian rhythm disruptions have been tied to digestive issues . And avoid late-night screen time while you’re at it!

6. Consider an intestinal massage.

Sometimes the impaired GI motility that leads to SIBO recurrence is a structural issue that needs manual manipulation. For example, adhesions and scar tissue that remain after certain surgeries can impede the movement of the intestines and their contents. In these cases, a visceral manipulation therapist can be helpful, says Dr. Steinberg. These therapists are trained to help break up this scar tissue and massage the lower abdominal area in such a way that improves motility and does great things for overall digestion.

7. Follow basic food safety guidelines.

Since getting food poisoning can trigger a SIBO relapse, you’ll want to make sure you’re taking some basic food safety precautions when you cook and entertain. That means, heating meat and fish to the appropriate internal temperature, avoiding cross-contamination of utensils and cutting boards, following proper storage guidelines, and more outlined here by the USDA .

[your-dietician]

What Is Serotonin and How Does It Regulate Our Body?

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/what-is-serotonin-and-how-does-it-regulate-our-body/

What Is Serotonin and How Does It Regulate Our Body?

Each time you feel a burst of joy, excitement, or satisfaction, there’s a network of nerve cells communicating within your brain that can take some credit for it. Although there are many more processes involved in your general feeling of happiness, some brain chemicals also work hard to make it possible. One of such chemicals is serotonin.

What is serotonin? This brain chemical is largely responsible for boosting your mood and promoting overall well-being in many ways. Here’s what you need to know about this happy chemical and the complex role it plays in your body.

What Is Serotonin?

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter — one of the chemical messengers in the brain that sends messages through your nervous system to different parts of your body in order to control communication between them. Serotonin in the brain is responsible for regulating your mood and memory function, but it also helps with sleep, sexual function, appetite, temperature regulation, and social behavior among other things.

Studies show that the brain’s serotonin system differs slightly between men and women. While men’s serotonin levels are a little higher than women’s, research also shows that women have lower levels of the protein that transports serotonin back to the neurons that secrete it. Experts believe that this may be one reason why women are more prone to depression than men.

How is serotonin made?

Serotonin is manufactured by the brain from the essential amino acid l-tryptophan. Cells that make serotonin combine tryptophan with tryptophan hydroxylase, a chemical reactor, to form 5-hydroxytryptamine — what you and I know as serotonin.  

Although this neurotransmitter is produced in the brain and performs most of its functions there, about 90 percent of your serotonin supply can be found in your gut. Most of the body’s serotonin supply is found in the intestines, and is required by the digestive system to support the healthy breakdown of food.

What is serotonin’s role in digestion?

This chemical joins with receptors in the muscle lining of the gut, to enhance movement of the food you eat through your intestines. When you eat something harmful or unpleasant, your gut reacts by producing an extra dose of serotonin. This moves up the offensive food or substance, helping you get it out of your body fast.

What is the difference between serotonin vs. dopamine?

Serotonin and dopamine are both important neurotransmitters that promote communication between brain cells. They are sometimes called the “happy hormones” because of their function as mood and emotion regulators. An imbalance in dopamine or serotonin levels is also involved in certain mental health conditions like depression.

Since these two chemicals share several similarities, what is serotonin’s distinguishing feature? The main function of serotonin is a little different from dopamine’s function — while dopamine makes you feel pleasure and happiness after engaging in a particular activity, serotonin brings feelings of happiness by stabilizing your mood. Dopamine is also mainly concerned with controlling movement, while serotonin focuses on sleep and digestive function.

How Does Serotonin Regulate Body Function?

Neurotransmitters are involved in a lot of things your body does on a daily basis. In addition to digestion and mood regulation, what is serotonin’s role in terms of body function?

Sleep

Research shows that the time of day can affect your serotonin levels as can how well you sleep, as well as the amount of sleep you get. Melatonin — the hormone responsible for regulating your sleep cycle — is produced from serotonin in the pineal gland of the brain, so an excess or a deficiency of serotonin can affect the quality of your sleep.

Sleeping, however, isn’t limited to serotonin alone. Other brain chemicals like dopamine are also involved in the process.

Blood clotting

The excess serotonin that’s not used up in the gut goes into the bloodstream, where it’s quickly taken up by platelets — the smallest of our blood cells that work to prevent bleeding. These tiny blood cells store up the serotonin and release some of it to help heal cuts, bruises, and other kinds of tissue damage.

When you have higher serotonin levels, the arterioles — small-diameter blood vessels in your circulatory system — become narrow. As they reduce in size, blood flow slows down. This process is key to the function of blood clotting, which is also an important step in healing wounds.

Bone density

What is serotonin’s role in the strength of your bones? Studies show that higher serotonin levels in the gut may be linked to low bone density and other conditions such as osteoporosis.

Research has also shown that a class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are linked to a decrease in bone mineral density, and could make one more susceptible to fractures.

Sexual function

Serotonin doesn’t just influence your mood, it also affects the intensity of your sexual urges, and how often you feel them. The neurotransmitter dopamine also controls the brain’s pleasure and reward system, which kicks in during sex. The relationship between serotonin and dopamine also affects libido.

The influence of serotonin on sexual function can also be observed in terms of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Studies show that this class of antidepressants, which bring higher serotonin levels, also tend to inhibit libido and sexual function.

How Does Serotonin Impact Mental Health?

Apart from its contribution to physiological functions, what is serotonin’s role in mental health?

Many experts believe that an imbalance in serotonin levels may affect an individual’s mood and lead to depression. It’s unclear exactly what causes depression, but there are certain factors that may contribute to it, such as low production of serotonin or an inability of serotonin receptors to receive the serotonin that is made.

Low serotonin levels alone may not cause depression but can lead to other conditions related to mood and sleep. A deficiency of Vitamin B6 and Vitamin D have been linked to low serotonin levels, which affects the production of tryptophan, an essential amino acid involved in the production of serotonin. This shortage in tryptophan can contribute to depression, as well as other conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and anxiety.

Despite the widespread belief that a serotonin deficiency contributes to depression, there is still not enough evidence to prove that serotonin levels are directly correlated with depression or that a deficiency may lead to other mental health conditions. It also remains unclear whether the decrease in serotonin levels is responsible for depression, or if depression causes the serotonin deficiency.

Still, doctors typically prescribe antidepressant medication to improve serotonin levels.These medications may be categorized under the class of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) or serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). While these reuptake inhibitors work to reduce symptoms of depression, you should take note that medications that rapidly increase serotonin levels can put you at risk of a severe reaction known as serotonin syndrome.

What Is Serotonin Syndrome?

Many antidepressants are prescribed for treating depression by increasing serotonin levels, but what happens when your medication causes a serotonin overload?

Serotonin syndrome is a rare side effect of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) that can occur when two or more medications that affect serotonin levels are used together. For instance, when a doctor prescribes an SSRI medication and it’s taken simultaneously with pain medication like codeine or tramadol, it can result in a serotonin overload.

In some cases, using a single antidepressant can cause serotonin syndrome, but the most common cause is using another type of serotonin-boosting medication, illicit drugs like ecstasy and cocaine, or some herbal supplements.

Symptoms of serotonin syndrome 

Serotonin syndrome can cause a wide range of symptoms, which usually occur within several hours of using the new medication or increasing the dosage of one you’re using. 

Symptoms of serotonin syndrome include confusion, restlessness, dilated pupils, heavy sweating, headache, diarrhea, shivering, goosebumps, and loss of muscle coordination. In severe cases, one may experience high fever, an irregular heartbeat, seizures, or unconsciousness. 

If you suspect that you might have serotonin syndrome after starting a new medication or increasing your dosage, contact your doctor or seek emergency treatment. Usually, you’ll be required to discontinue any medicine that increases serotonin levels.

It’s important to inform your provider of any medication you’re using before adding any new ones, to avoid complications. Recreational drugs such as LSD, ecstasy, and cocaine should also be avoided to prevent serotonin syndrome.

Boosting Serotonin Levels

While you should follow the advice of your doctor or psychiatrist, you don’t necessarily need to rely on prescription antidepressants to improve serotonin levels. Diet can influence tryptophan levels, which also affects your body’s supply of serotonin. Protein-rich foods like eggs, beans, turkey and fish contain high levels of tryptophan, and can help improve your serotonin levels. 

Another way to keep your serotonin in the appropriate range and keep seasonal depression at bay is via exposure to bright light. Light therapy is a way to treat seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and involves sitting near a specialized artificial light throughout the day. Additionally, exercising regularly and incorporating meditation into your day helps boost your mood and relieve stress, which can also increase your serotonin levels.

If you find yourself struggling to regulate your serotonin levels, or if you’re experiencing dips in mood, speaking with a licensed therapist can be a convenient and inexpensive way to discuss your concerns and lay out a personalized plan to improve your overall well-being. With Talkspace, you can speak with an online therapist from the comfort of your home as soon as today. 

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[system-invictus-rising]

The Suitcase and the Etch - A - Sketch

Imagine you’ve just come home from the airport. You start unpacking your bag only to find that none of its contents are yours. Upon further investigation, you realize that, although the bag is the exact same as yours, the clothes are even an exact fit and some of the clothing in it happens to be something you also own, none of it is actually yours. That is what it feels like coming out of a major dissociative episode. At least that is what it feels like for me. I’ve come home and I’m unpacking all my baggage but none of it actually feels like it belongs to me. Elements of it are similar but that just feels like coincidence. All the memories I have, although I know I have handled them and even been partially present for them, they don’t actually feel like mine. I can recognize them and recall them, I can hold space for them - but emotionally they are intangible and distant. Some of my parts may be able to relate to them, but I cannot. I wish I could say that illustration was something that only applied to the past year. It doesn’t feel like that is the case. 

The rest of my life, looking back, now feels a lot more like an Etch-A-Sketch - (I don’t think a lot of people know what those are anymore. If you don’t, look it up. They are actually a lot of fun if you have any patience. If you don’t have patience, then they are hell and I do not recommend. ). It feels like, although the tiny granules of sand have always been there and belong to me, they have all been rearranged to a blank slate. All the time and effort I put into putting turning the dials to create something a certain way, that has all been shaken away and erased. The picture I created and related to for my entire life is gone. Many people say a blank slate is a positive think. And that is true in some respects, except that I’m the only one that seems the blank slate. Everyone around me still holds the memories of who I am, what I’ve been through and how I behave as if that picture still exists. When, to me, none of that feels like it is still there anymore. So even though some people may see this and say ‘hey, that’s great! this is a fresh start!’, I don’t necessarily feel that way. To me, when I combine this “blank slate” with the stranger’s suitcase that I’ve suddenly inherited, it is extremely distressing and disorienting. All my points of reference around me are the same. But I’m not. Not only that, I can’t actually relate to any of these points of reference the way I used to. What is most distressing is that the majority of my memories - good or bad - do not feel like mine. Maybe that comes from the fact that a lot of my life I have never really been present. But the tricky thing is, when I start questioning whether or not I was actually there for any specific memory, I start questioning whether or not I was actually there for any of it. What grows from there is me questioning whether or not who I am now is who I actually am at all. Maybe who I am now is another part. Maybe one day something will happen and I will snap out of this dissociative episode too. I doubt there are many things that are scarier than questioning your own sanity. But for people who dissociate, this is often something we deal with every day. 

Everyone experiences D.I.D. differently, and maybe my illustrations don’t resonate with everyone who has D.I.D. But it does go a long way just to let people know that this experience, although alienating and disorienting, is something that other people experience too. For people without D.I.D., I think it is important for you to be able to understand what we deal with on a daily basis. For us, our brains cycle almost daily through what some may consider a mid-life crisis on steroids. That takes a lot. Emotionally and Physically it is exhausting. 

Doe tells me not to overthink it. To just let things unfold and go with the flow. But I think what has helped me most is Sam’s take on it. His view is that it doesn’t necessarily matter whether or not I ever was who I am right now. If I like who I am and who I am becoming, then that is what matters. After everything we’ve been through, shouldn’t we have the right to choose where we go and who we become? Life isn’t about going back to who you once were. It’s about growing into who you’re meant to become. That’s the whole point of getting unstuck - to move forward, not backward. And although the whole sensation is still very dis-regulating, this philosophy seems to help the most. When you’ve spent your whole life adjusting who you are based on some horrific circumstances, and based on what others needed or wanted you to be, at some point you need to decide that you get to choose who you are going to be. I guess it is kind of like setting the whole map on fire and trusting that your compass isn’t going to fail you this time around. 

[kimlisby]

A little over a year ago in Mexico..

As I reflect on one year ago I actually look back with so much gratitude. Though 2020 has been quite a year, to say the least, I look at how it has pushed me and grown me.

In November 2019, Jake and I went on a much anticipated trip to Mexico. Our girls were almost 2 and newly 4 at that time. The day to day of life had me honestly feeling trapped. My motherhood anxiety was high. I had recently stopped breastfeeding, so hormones were still regulating 🙃. The thought of things required to do anything with the girls was daunting. I’d lay awake at night unable to sleep, stressing of how I would entertain them the following day. Jake had slowly shifted that year from always working from home to never working from home. I had been looking forward to the reprieve this trip would give me do over a year. On hard days, I would picture us relaxing at the beach and it would give me fresh air to carry through the day.

When we returned from Mexico I didn’t feel the relieve I had hoped. I actually felt much much worse, with nothing to look forward to. I’m a generally upbeat and positive person. I honestly had thought I was immune to depression, since it was not something I struggled with postpartum. I’m not really sure how I got in that hole or how to get out. I found myself being more short fused with the girls, and then guilt would send myself into a crying mess. I’d fall into crying spells and honestly couldn’t pull myself out of them. I’d cry on and off the rest of the day about how terrible of mother I was. Why couldn’t I just be better? Do better? Jake told me one day he was worried about me and noticed I hadn’t been myself in awhile. After two days of mostly crying, I immediately made a phone call to schedule counseling. I knew i couldn’t function that way much longer and the awareness of me being in a dark place had finally come. I didn’t know it before then, though looking back, I see how 2019 was mostly a low year for me.

I was living the life I’d always dreamed of, but I felt trapped, alone, pushing myself to be something I just wasn’t quite created to be. I was trapped in the life I loved, unhappy, and unsure how or why.

You know when you imagine what you want your life to be like? Well, when I got there, it was everything I pictured, but not at all the way I thought it would feel. It was a combination of hormones, anxiety, high expectations for myself, lack of boundaries with the girls and some wrong thinking that made me feel trapped. Trapped in my depression. Trapped in the life I always wanted, but also not wanting to be anywhere else. I wanted to be here, but happy.

I realized in counseling that I wasn’t wired to fully be a stay at home parent. And that’s okay. Not all of us are. As an achiever, when channeling all my energy into parenting, I came up short and felt like a failure most days. I started to wish I could be wired differently, why can’t I just be happy serving my family in my home? I learned to embrace that God created me this way for a reason, to serve my family that looks different than others and that is also okay. I realized I lacked good boundaries with the girls to have space to do things that bring me joy. I felt I could only do household chores or workout when they were asleep or had a sitter. I believed lies about how I just needed to fit into the happy homemaker mold to best serve my family.

Thankfully, I started counseling when I did. I was just starting to see the light again and tell myself a new story when Jake went into the hospital. The trauma experienced during that time I’m not sure I could have handled in the place I was in in November. When Jake was in the hospital, though one of the most difficult times of our adult life, it also in a snap of the fingers moment, pulled me out of my self reflecting, and self focus to what really mattered. It caused me to put more value on the things I took for granted, like health and simple moments together.

Then the pandemic. Right as Jake was healthy and feeling himself again, the world shut down. He started working from home again. Our girls were no longer in preschool and home full time. We were all home. I know you remember. 😉 There was nowhere to go, life slowed, we had time together again. I was forced to set up boundaries with the girls, because we were all home all the time. Instead of me playing with them all the time, I pushed them to play together. I worked out while they were awake dumping boxes of Cheerios and shredded cheese on the floor, but I still did it. The girls were growing up and could handle a little less monitored time together. In the most trapped I actually was during lockdown, the less trapped I had actually felt as a parent to date. I could fold laundry while they played nearby, workout while they watch a show and make a mess, or even shower while they are awake playing, all things I had not done before.

The pandemic taught me that feeling trapped was a choice, for me. I don’t want to discredit or invalidate anyone who actually is trapped in an unhealthy or abusive situation. Or how actually difficult it is to be stuck in our homes with little contact with people or things that brought normalcy to our lives. That is still hard, for all of us. But for me, it helped me prioritize what mattered and who mattered most. What brings me joy that I must find a rhythm to do at home so I can be an emotionally healthy mom and wife. The boundaries created were one of the best things that could have come for me and our family. It actually freed me from so much anxiety and stress, that I created for myself. Just in time for new anxieties, germs! 😜 I started to sleep easier, no longer stressing about what we would do the next day. We started new rhythms of play together, playing independently, running outside and I found we all had more joy in them. With less to do and no places to go, there was less pressure to look a certain way, our home to be perfectly picked up or to hurry to anything. We could all be more flexible with the flow and find it made us all breath easier.

I found that these things caused me to feel more free and less trapped than ever:

- real, quality time as a family

- less stress on our schedule

- more boundaries on my schedule, pushing the girls for independent play (so healthy for them too!)

- more embracing of what brings me joy (writing, meaningful community, accomplishing small tasks, working out, creative projects like decorating/reorganizing)

- getting outside, no matter the weather

- focusing on gratitude and giving others love and grace, brings me more internal joy than focusing on what I want to change or cannot change

Then we started a part time business with Stay Airstreams and it gave me tasks and purpose outside our home that brought me new life. Though, in a lot of ways, it isn’t the type of work I truly enjoy, like more cleaning and laundry 🤪, it reminded me how purpose outside the home is there for me and our family can make it work. It wasn’t too difficult or too selfish to find a way to get what needed to be done, done.

I say all of this to say that if you are finding that you are not feeling quite yourself, give yourself permission to seek help. It’s not selfish to take the time or money to do so. It is actually quite the opposite. You cannot serve your family or anyone else if you are on empty.

This has been a crazy year for all of us and sometimes we just need a little help to sort through our thoughts. It didn’t take me long to feel a lot better. And I’m so grateful I started counseling when I did, because who could’ve imagined what 2020 was going to bring. For us it started off with Jake’s health struggles and then the pandemic 😳. I’m not sure how I would’ve survived this year, let alone thrived in it without getting the help that I needed when I did. And I want that for you to my dear friend, to thrive. ❤️