#or one time with a group of friends when I was feeling the gender euphoria

[rip-headphones-users]

Lampert Headcannons I Have

: )))))) i liek thinkung ab out himme : )))))))

(Long post sorry)

Lampert is Swedish-American (due to type of tail plug + the lamp itself being Swiss in design)

He speaks in a fairly flat toned voice, in a Boston (Massachusetts/New England) accent

This is for the fact that I believe he could pull off a killer Scout TF2 impression, and it would be really funny.

He wont do it in front of anyone though, he’s too shy.

(Alternatively, I will accept a Southern US accent.)

Lampert loves to give compliments to people, but he is too judgy/critical to find anything worth complimenting, and by the time he does its usually at an awkward point where it would be weird to compliment them.

Lampert prefers residing in lamps because he’s scared of the dark, as well as utility.

Lampert will typically sleep standing up underneath a plastic furniture protector

If invited to a group sleepover, lampert will either transform into/shift his consciousness into a nightlight in order to light the room the others are sleeping in

He doesn’t play videogames often, but he prefers playing single player rpgs, his favorite games are OneShot, ChibiRobo, as well as the Mother series and anything from the Sonic franchise.

He once agreed to a days long infinite rokea-wide game of prop hunt with paintball guns and several friends where he was the “prop”. It’s probably his favorite memory but he has sworn off ever doing it again due to the mess it caused. (He has agreed to smaller games though)

Lampert genuinely enjoys cleaning things whenever it’s unrelated to himself/rokea, and will stop on random floors of the regretevator to clean them when he is in a bad mood in order to calm himself.

His goal one day is to become an interior designer, and he is currently studying to become one.

His tail behaves more like a cat’s rather than a dog’s, but will still occasionally wag when he’s happy.

Cannot get sick, but the concept of something being able to get sick is so mortifying to him that he is a germaphobe anyway

He can, however, catch a computer virus. He is not nearly as scared of this cause he knows how it works (like a regular virus)

Lampert “touches” things by sensing the vibration of them when he makes contact. He cannot feel texture, but will immediately be able to tell you the temperature of an object in Celsius, Kelvin, and Fahrenheit.

He makes a faint purring noise because his “heart” is a motor.

His favorite artists/bands are Mitski, Autoheart, and Roar.

Prefers dressing in nice clothes, but usually just wears sweatpants and sweaters/t-shirts for convenience (doesn’t want to get the nice clothes dirty)

Will never admit it, but he gets very happy when people say he looks good/cute/pretty/handsome because it means to him that he picked a good lamp to reside in. Lamp gender euphoria.

Has a glowing rubber duck water toy that he resides in whenever there is a situation where he needs to be in water. It is abstract enough for him to not know what it is/that its a bird

He would lose in a 1 v 1 with an ostrich.

Has a modified windex bottle in his fort that he smokes out of like a bong.

NThe other robots take his almost compulsive need to use cleaning chemicals hand sanitizer as lampert being a stoner, when he actually is just that worried about germs. (No wonder hes friends with that infected guy)

While he doesn’t try to be overtly mean, lampert finds himself accidentally insulting people he doesn’t like. He will insult his friends on purpose though.

Likes pulling spur of the moment pranks on friends

Found an insect crawling around inside of his body cavity while doing maintenance on himself. He still has not recovered mentally.

Creation/physical properties:

Lampert is sorta like a sapient star, just less “powerful”. Technically though he’d be a solar flare, (this is a slightly niche reference but sorta like how the solar bodies in Dogsbody by Diana Jones are sapient/anthropomorphic)

Actually I think you should just read the first chapter of dogsbody so you kinda get what i mean here. You wont understand whats going on at first but that’s ok you aren’t supposed to.

Outside of his body, he is an abstract glowing form of pure light. He is perfectly see through, and the only indication of his presence is the light cast on the world around him.

When viewed through an infrared camera, he is vaguely shaped like a humanoid entity standing at roughly 6 feet tall (at current day), but is incredibly blurry. No further details can be made out.

Images and live footage of Lampert in his “purest form” are known to cause mild nausea, as he is not meant to be viewed this way.

Passing through Lampert will warm the object slightly. Objects do not overheat, but passing through him is known to give a warm, comforting feeling, much like laying in a sunbeam.

Lampert’s possession of objects will slowly alter the shape and size over time to slowly become more humanoid. The time it takes from an objects initial possession to become full anthro is between six months to two years.

Because lampert has to “grow” into himself, He has had several models of lamp that he has possessed over the course of his lifetime. He just finds that he tends to keep going back to lamps (beyond his fear of the dark) his first forms are more childlike to reflect his age. One he looks back on fondly has a fish pattern on the lampshade.

Lampert cannot possess what is already “possessed” (aka: living.)

Lampert doesn’t technically have biological parents. Technically the “parent” he has is whatever star shot the flare his consciousness was spawned into. He doesn’t remember this event, just the fact that it happened (do you remember YOUR birth??? I hope not.)

He was found and adopted by Mannequin Mark (Pops) and Wallter (Dad).

[velvetvexations]

Hello, You don’t have to post this, though I’d be alright with if you did choose to anyway.

you’re like the one blog I trust and I don’t know if I can tell anyone in my friend group this but I kinda view myself as Transfem even though I’m a perisex afab? Growing up, though I was still called she/her because my agab, I was constantly treated and called a boy? Some kids actually thought I was a boy even when I had long hair. My own father would have me doing “boy” stuff growing up while my sister was doing more “girly” things. Alternatively, people would insist I must be a trans girl. Bullies would joke “she has a bigger dick than me” or insist I had a sex change to be called a girl before I joined school. That I changed myself into a girl because I couldn’t make it as a guy.

Sometimes, I would get actual gender euphoria from being called a guy and being implied to being masculine. But only until recently have I begun having euphoria of being called a girl and being implied to being feminine too? I don’t really see this as “becoming the true cis woman I’ve always meant to be from birth” but more like a transition into womanhood? (I am too old for this to be “finally ended puberty thing” or “growing out of tomboyness”) I’ve started relating to a lot of transfem posts, particularly weirdly about being perceived as a “failed man”? I’ve grown up socialized as a boy I believe and for a long time, I lived in this weird “not trans” masc zone.

For more context, I’ve never actually transitioned to transmasc and I NEVER be like “I AM A TRANS WOMAN AND BELONG IN TRANS WOMAN SPACES” but I just feel a really weird “she just like me fr” when transfems talk about their journey of connecting to their femininity. It’s a weird conundrum that I feel the label of “nonbinary” just doesn’t do justice for me? Like I genuinely feel like I’ve transitioned into a woman, I was once a boy and was treated like a boy and believed I was a boy. I don’t view this as “detransitioning” or “internal misogyny” being lifted from me, I genuinely feel like a trans woman despite not being amab.

It’s weird because I do believe I am “transmisogyny affected” (just like everyone else lol) in that I have had “direct” transmisogyny on me for being perceived as a trans woman. Even at my workplace as an adult, there is still an insistence that my womanhood is deviated in someway. I’m still being mistaken and have people joke about me being mistaken as a man.

Idk I’m just scared that people will think I’m fetishizing or appropriating transfeminity or TRFs will try to discredit my weird gender shit and insist I’m transmasc or just cis or some shit

You're not doing anything wrong, I promise. <3 If you relate to transfemininity in that way, I love you and welcome you to the club to whatever extent you'd like to be there, the gate has no keepers at Velvet Nation.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

I came out as transfem to my friends a couple months ago, but every now and then I feel like I'm faking it. But when I'm called by my preferred name, my heart starts racing and I get a little smile.

Is this a normal thing?

Lee says:

Experiencing feelings of doubt or questioning like you're "faking it" can be part of the process for many people as they explore their gender identity.

This doesn't invalidate your experiences or your identity; sometimes it's a reflection of navigating a complex personal journey within a society that has rigid norms about gender.

Having doubts is normal, and many people who come out as trans continue to identify as trans throughout their lives, even if they initially had some discomfort getting used to their new identity and occasionally felt like they were faking it.

There are also some folks who feel like they're faking it and while they may not be intentionally faking an identity, that kernel of discomfort and wrongness may be a clue that something isn't quite right yet, whether it's their particular label, their gender expression, their pronouns, or their feelings about the gender roles they feel pressure to inhabit. I'm not saying that this is the case for you-- it seems like it likely isn't-- but I do feel that it's also important to acknowledge that not everyone who questions their gender will ultimately identify as transgender.

There should be no shame in questioning your gender, trying on new labels for a while, even coming out to friends to see how it feels to use the new label/pronouns/name, etc but ultimately reidentifying. The process of exploring one's gender identity is deeply personal and unique to each individual and there's nothing wrong with someone realizing that they aren't trans after all.

I'm writing all of that because I think this type of ask is often sent by folks wanting to know whether what they're feeling is normal because they're seeking reassurance that they're trans.

But we're not really here to reassure you that you're trans. We don't know you! Only you know your gender. If I tried to reassure you by saying "oh yeah I know for sure that you're trans, don't worry!" it would be beyond my scope as someone who is not-you.

I can tell you that it's normal to feel that way, that many other trans folks have felt that way, and that you will find your path eventually. It can be hard to figure it all out, but don't stress! Everyone always seems to have this super big sense of internal urgency, but it's okay to not be 100% certain of your gender identity, and to feel that way for months or even years.

Be patient with yourself. Understanding your gender identity is a journey, and it's okay to take your time. There's no rush to figure everything out immediately or to fit into any particular box. Trust yourself, and allow your journey to unfold in a way that feels authentic to you. All that being said, your current identity is valid, regardless of whether it shifts over time.

It's super common to have feelings of doubt and wrongness and feelings of faking it at the start of a transition, and that doesn't necessarily have to overshadow the joy and happiness that you experience when you're called by your preferred name. That gender euphoria you described is super real!

Seeking support can be incredibly helpful. This might include talking to friends who understand and support your journey, joining support groups for people exploring their gender identity, or finding a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues. These resources can provide a space to discuss your feelings, explore your identity, and receive support from others who have had similar experiences. Your feelings and experiences are real, and they deserve acknowledgment and respect.

Anons say:

(See follow-up post here!)

[championofravens]

Skip to Loafer and Transgender Role Models: A Brief Analysis

To any who watch or read Skip to Loafer, Nao-chan is a presence you immediately can not ignore. The protagonist’s aunt, she is the primary adult we interact with in the series and one of the main characters of the supporting cast. Our first introduction to Nao-chan does not immediately reveal her transgender status- we are instead introduced to her as a kind, nurturing, caring and protective adult in Mitsumi’s life. We learn later about her being trans through negative whispers from strangers and immediately the tone is set: instead of having Nao-chan hear the gossip on the train, she is instead immediately given a small gesture of love and support from our protagonist Mitsumi. It is a simple but deliberate scene and seems to offer a quiet promise that Nao-chan is as deserving as happiness as anyone else in the cast, an overarching theme that becomes more and more powerful for many characters over the course of the story.

I specifically want to talk about Episode X from the anime and a few scenes from it. For anyone who hasn’t watched it, I will summarize as best I can:  Mitsumi asks permission from Nao-chan to invite her school friends over for a slumber party and she happily agrees. However, she also says that she wishes to tell her friends she is biologically male “just in case”. No reason is directly stated why but many can easily spring to mind. We cut then to Nao-chan dressed in a more masculine style than normal, serving Mitsumi’s friends and being referred to with male honorifics. As Nao-chan leaves, however, our beloved supporting cast all pipe up to compliment Mitsumi’s stylish and kind aunt. We see Nao-chan listening from outside the door, joyfully tearing up.

Later, Nao-chan reappears in her typical feminine attire and makeup to the girls, informing them she’s stepping out. Mika ends up following Nao-chan out, the two having somewhat of a repertoire from earlier in the episode, and Mika confides in her reasons for leaving the slumber party early. Nao-chan immediately is able to relate to Mika’s anxieties and fears based on her own experience growing up, the viewer given a quick shot of her younger masculine self. Before letting her leave, Nao-chan offers advice and urges Mika to return to the slumber party, imparting an important lesson about embracing being genuine to yourself her (with some briefly hilarious word choices).

At this moment on our first watch, my husband turned to me and said “God, if only I heard that growing up.”

It can’t be overstated how shocking the amount of respect and affection Nao-chan gets in the story is. First, the story’s way of choosing to address her being transgender while keeping consistent with it’s happy and airy tone is done masterfully. Nao-chan makes a very realistic choice for her situation in wanting to present as male to Mitsumi’s friends and the narrative respects that. But it also doesn’t linger on the issue either by having Mitsumi’s friends immediately address it positively to the viewer. I think my favorite thing however is that the story lets Nao-chan hear the praise and kind words. We get to see a transgender woman in a moment of maximum gender euphoria. She is respected as a character and as her gender at all times, whether she is there in the moment or not.

Things are taken a step further in the next scene, going beyond simply supporting Nao-chan as a transgender character in the story but also as an adult role model too. In a time where radical rhetoric says transgender women can never understand the struggles of cis women, the story shows the exact opposite. Not only do a group of cis young women all think Nao-chan is beautiful and kind, they also see her as a safe person to confide in and a person who can relate to their feelings. Mika’s short time with Nao-chan earlier in the episode was of a more slapstick variety yet her honesty with Nao-chan feels organic when it happens. We can understand how the two would find common ground on their feelings, even if they lived completely different lives. In fact, it is implied that Nao-chan’s feelings are uniquely pulled from her experience growing up assigned male.

Part of this is contributed to the fact Nao-chan breaks the curse of transgender characters in much of anime by being surprisingly “sexless”. Not once is a perverted joke made at her expense or does she slip in a strangely blunt reference to her body. Part of this is thanks to the genre and overall tone of Skip to Loafer which is incredibly comfortable and chaste.

I was inspired to write this after realizing that there would be a chance that this character and this story’s handling of her might slip under the radar. Though she is not the focus of the story, she is present constantly within the narrative just as anyone else and her presence only enhances the experience. When I see the same examples being passed around of what qualifies for good trans rep in anime, it makes me burn to think she may not be included in these lists.

[lovesick-wonderland]

Habit || k.th

Summary: when adrenaline runs high before his shows, Taehyun has found the perfect outlet for his nerves: fucking your brains out before every show.

Pairings: Toxic Rockstar! Kang Taehyun x Reader

Warnings: 18+, smut, degradation, choking, unprotected sex, unhealthy relationship, reader is called a pet, dom taehyun, top taehyun, toxic taehyun, gender neutral reader

Word count: 1.6k

Part of @napofamoon's event: growing pain! Thank you so much with being patient with me and letting me join ^^, I tried to get it out asap, so I haven't proofread--

Minor please DNI

Disclaimer: this is a work of pure fiction. I do not condone the actions of any characters in this story and the actions do not reflect the idols in any way.

You swore it’s the last time you’re doing this.

You swore it was the last time that you’re going to let Kang Taheyun fuck you in his dressing room before his shows. He claims it’s to get rid of his nerves before the show and you always let him. However, despite your shared pleasure during this pre-concert habit, the euphoria and adrenaline always wears off, a longing and emptiness replacing them after he zips up his pants and asks you to leave so he can prepare

Everyone tells you that you can’t keep letting Taehyun do this to you. That you deserve better, that you can find someone else. You even know that the two’s relationship is toxic, a corrosive acid eroding you, until there’s nothing left, eating you up alive and leaving you until you have nothing else to offer. 

You know he has options. He’s gorgeous, the lead singer of a rising rock band: “TXT”. People were always throwing themselves at Taehyun’s feet. You’ve seen the people he’s brought back backstage after one of his shows, the pretty girls he leaves the bar with or dances at the club with. You’ve how people stare at him at shows, full of adoration, love, support. The crowds that go wild the minute he flashes his abs, the way they scream whenever he hits the high note in the song, the comments online about how they’d give everything to spend a night with him.

But despite the line of people Taehyun has to choose from, you’re the one he always calls to his dressing room before his shows. You’re the one. Not them.

It's a special feeling that keeps you coming back to him. Time and time again.

It’s dangerous to be addicted to such a feeling, to be addicted to such a relationship. So, you try to distance yourself from him. You try to stop seeing him so often. You hang out with different friends. Friends that don’t treat you like you’re disposable. Friends that seem to respect you. And though it keeps you from thinking about Taehyun and his band when you’re with others, you can’t stop yourself from unlocking your phone during sleepless nights to check your shared group chats and his social media.

You always feel guilty, feeling possessive and distraught over a man who was never yours to begin with. Especially a man who didn’t seem to care about your absence. A man who was still sticking to his schedule, going to photoshoots, interviews, and, to your dismay, clubs and bars. But at the very least, TXT had yet to do another concert. And Taehyun has yet to call you for another dressing room quickie.

You’re out at a restaurant with friends when you hear the familiar ring of your phone. A surge of satisfaction washing over you as you check the caller ID: Taehyun. You’re not surprised, you knew he had a show today. But you promised yourself you wouldn’t go back to him, so you place your phone down on the table and revert your attention back to your friends. 

You hear your ringer go off again. And again. 

Then Taehyun stops calling. 

You stand up abruptly from the table, excusing yourself, bidding goodbye and saying something urgent came up. It’s automatic how your body moves to get to the concert venue, strides long and slow until you’re running to get to the venue. You will yourself not to think as you scream at yourself for going back to him. You know it’s unhealthy. You know you should leave, but the thought of him no longer needing you sends your mind into a frenzy.

You’re sweaty and out of breath when Taehyun opens the door to his dressing room, ushering you inside while grinning. He’s gorgeous, dressed in a sleeveless graphic t-shirt, ripped jeans, a belt with a wallet chain, spiked choker and a spiked cuff.

“I knew you’d come. You always come back to me, don’t you? A little pet that always comes back to its master.” Taehyun coos at you, pulling you towards him for a kiss before pinning you against the closed door.

“I want to fuck you against a wall. You’re okay with that right, baby?” 

You nod enthusiastically. Taehyun lets out a chuckle.

“I called you in earlier than usual since we haven’t seen each other in so long, so we don’t have to rush.” Taehyun says while undoing his belt and tying it around your neck.

You undress and drop to your knees like your usual routine, pulling down his pants while Taehyun holds the end of the belt in his hand. He’s not completely hard yet, so you pump him a few times before licking up from the base of his shaft to his tip. Taehyun lets out a sigh at your ministrations, eyes fluttering shut. He tugs the belt, bringing you closer to his length, urging you to take him in your mouth.

You take a deep breath and relax your throat as he begins to shallowly thrust into your mouth, holding your makeshift collar still. His thrusts slowly build until he’s slamming into the back of your throat, pulling you towards him as he fucks your mouth. You struggle to maintain eye contact with him as he looks down at you, drool dripping from your mouth onto the tiled floor of the dressing room while your eyes water from your gag reflex. You can hear him moaning “take it” between his pants and that spurs you to keep going.

You’re beginning to see black spots from the lack of oxygen when suddenly he pulls out from your mouth, hard length bobbing against his abdomen. You gasp for oxygen as Taehyun leaves you to walk to his vanity, grabbing a bottle of lube. He returns and crouches down, running his fingers through your hair to soothe you and cupping your face. 

“You’re so good to me. So obedient, so cute when I’m fucking you.” 

You’re able to let out a content hum, throat starting to feel sore as you try to stand on your numb legs from kneeling. Taehyun notices you struggling and laughs before hooking his left arm under your legs and picking you up, folding you flush against his chest as he teases your entrance with lubed fingers. 

Taehyun is always meticulous with what he does, and making sure you’re properly prepared for taking him is no exception. Easing his fingers into you slowly and pumping them, hitting your sweet spot and making you see stars. Your head lays on his shoulder, your eyes shut focusing on the pleasure he gives you. 

You feel him kiss your cheek before removing his fingers from you. You let out a whine, eyes flying open as you wiggle your hips.

“Don’t worry, I’m not done with you yet.” Taehyun says as he aligns himself with your hole. 

Taking him is never difficult. It’s almost like a routine now, given how often you’ve ended up in this situation. You always fit him like a glove and it’s always easy to take him to the hilt, with you flush against his pelvis. 

“Fuck. You feel amazing. My favorite fleshlight to use.” Taehyun says breathily, beginning to bounce you up and down like a fleshlight. He hooks each arm beneath your knees and spreads your legs so he can get a good view of him coming in and out of you. You can feel his eyes burning on the place where you two are connected.

You let out a huff as he puts down your legs, allowing your legs to touch the ground. You turn back to look at him with a confused expression before he’s covering your mouth and pinning you against the wall, back facing him while he begins to fuck you again. Your face is pressed against the wall, the wall rough against your cheek as you feel Taehyun tug harshly on the belt wrapped around your neck, choking you. 

You feel your eyes roll back into your skull in pleasure, the lack of oxygen intensifying the feeling of Taehyun inside you. He feels like he’s everywhere, suffocating you in the best way possible. The way he presses his body against yours, one of his hands on your back, pushing you further into the wall while the other one is next to your head.

“You’re so filthy. What do you think everyone would think about you if they saw you right now? Reduced to a fucktoy, fucked dumb on my cock.” Taehyun whispers against your ears. You cum first after hearing him, body shaking and mind reeling, the overwhelming sensation of everything proving to be too much combined with his words. Your orgasm and lack of oxygen blurs your mind as aftershocks run through your body. Taehyun doesn’t relent, chasing after his high and fucking you into overstimulation.

“Good pet. Fucking take my cum.” Taehyun groans before his hips stutter and you can feel him fill you up with his hot cum.

Taehyun rides out his high, before eventually stilling and slowly pulling out of you. He rushes to his vanity, checking the time on his phone as you collapse on the floor. Your euphoria and adrenaline turning into emptiness and dread. You just feel so exhausted.

“Shit. I still need to get ready. Do you mind heading out?” Taehyun says, smoothing out his hair and checking his reflection in his mirror. 

You open your mouth to say something, before deciding against it and closing it.

You want to tell Taehyun to stop calling you, to stop treating you like this, but it’s not something Taehyun hasn’t heard from you before. He understands your unhappiness. But it’s not something he’s willing to change. 

So, you leave, wobbly legs taking you from his dressing room as you swear this is the last time you’re doing this.

But, old habits die hard.

[evelynlikesfrogs]

Signs everything I thought I knew was wrong

I needed to dump my thoughts and feelings somewhere because I feel like im annoying my support group. I think my egg finally cracked Wednesday and immediately I had to start researching and buying gender affirming things. Anyways, here's my list of signs that I wish I had seen like a decade ago, please be kind I'm very new to opening up like this

Another Girl in elementary threatened me with makeup and cross dressing and I wanted it bad.

I think this one is such a major factor in why I feel like this has to be real. Its well before puberty and well before I knew transitioning was a thing. Just a natural thought for someone who’s the wrong gender

Multiple times pleading with god to just make me a girl

Still cis tho obv

Thinking if I held still for long enough in bed, some sort of magic would make me a girl and fix this wrong body of mine

I still remember the dreams where im a girl, i legit became proficient at lucid dreaming just for it.

Ah fuck the egg_irl memes are hitting too hard

My favorite game character is Bridget, listening back to the song is hitting really hard actually

Legit had an anxiety attack and took a day off work because my transfem friend said “careful, i said the same thing before i came out”

Wishing i had magic to turn myself into a girl

Playing female characters just to feel cute

Putting on leggings in highschool, then sleeping in them

Some female mannerisms

Kinda hating my poor skin but couldnt do anything about it since thats only for women am i right fellas

Mild euphoria when someone says good girl

Envisioning myself as the girl during fantasies

Jealousy over a womans body

Ive never seen any man sit cross legged at a table the way i do, idk why that one pops up but i’ve seen plenty of other girls do it

Desire to steal womans clothing to cross dress

At current moment I have no desire to bite my nails because I want them to grow out, even though I was a nail biter for 27 years

In pre school, tried to convince another girl to swap clothes with me

In pre school, loved pretending i was at a hair salon and the other girls in the school would give me a haircut. It gave me ASMR

Speaking of ASMR, I like exclusively listen to makeup, nail and hair roleplays

Feeling like i dont want to transition because I could be ugly

After realization, I dont have nearly as much of an appetite, maybe subconscious bodily sabotage in the form of overeating

Not seeing any future when I tried to plan my life better, before I ever considered the option of becoming trans

Feeling hurt when my dad made somewhat transphobic comments about my trans cousin

Wondering what my parents would do if i woke up one day as a woman and had to explain that to them

Genuine euphoria at the idea of trying on womens clothing, but thinking that i was weird and kinky

Playing with stuffed animals with my best childhood friend, a fellow girl

Hating my balls

I bet it feels good to cry, its probably cathartic

Hating body hair god i hate this so much, I’m just bad at shaving it and dont want to be covered in razor burns and have to explain to coworkers why I shaved my legs and arms

Hating my nose

Adopting a super masculine persona

Forcing myself to have a much deeper voice to not feel any of my true feelings

Actually seeing a future after considering becoming trans

Being hurt by transphobic comments at work before I realized my egg status

Was I sending what they said to my friend because i was hurt by it and wanted reassurance?

When i started drawing again, i had no desire to draw “cool badass epic shit” i just wanted to draw super cosy watercolor paintings.

God damn it i’ll say it, I fucking love pastels. Both the art medium and the color spectrum

Repression of my desire to dance and sing, or I guess express myself in any format due to internalized transphobia

“Mens fashion is so lame, girls have it so good. Im cis tho”

Pure depression my entire adult life

Wanting genuine friend connections with women in a more feminine way

Never caring about going out and buying clothes because none of them worked for me

Trying to force myself to not look at girls clothes because “thats only what weirdos do”

On this topic, how the fuck did i think this shit was normal… i wasnt watching women or anything, its not like i was being creepy in reality. I just wanted to see the womens clothes. Why is that such a bad thing for someone to want

Being jealous of my friend since he was openly wearing his girlfriend’s sweatshirt

Dude i stared longingly at a pink gamer girl chair, still cis tho

Speaking of gamers, being super jealous of C9 Sneaky that he could pass so well and was totally fine with showing that whole side of himself online. Same with Finnster.

I think i hate my voice, ever since realizing this about myself i cant help but hear my voice and think its not me

Being afraid to see a therapist because im not sure honestly

Fearing crying, but that might not be internalized transphobia and actually just be a side product of the vice grip on masculinity in society

Daydreaming about becoming a girl

General body dysmorphia

I want to cry but i cant, why cant I cry why

[jmnthem]

Let's talk about identity for a bit; I saw this tweet that made me think--

Over the past decade and a half, I've been consistently creating, writing, and having commissions done for wlw and mlm relationships. For most of my life, I had never done enough introspection as to why I always seem to think about these fictional scenarios as often as I did. The first real catalyst for me starting my journey into deciphering my own identity started when I figured out I was bi about a decade ago...

When I (a male) first realized that I had fallen in love with another man, I did not feel shame. I did not feel fear. I only felt what I could only describe to be "euphoria." It was an entire eureka moment for my life. This peeled back so many inconsistencies that I had learned from religious institutions and cyclic familial biases. This made me want to build more bridges with other folk, understand where others were coming from, and I became such a dramatically different person from my teens as a result. That was a decade ago.

Since then, I've continued to create and write about queer people, queer relationships, queer aspirations and ideals. Heading into the 2020s, the concept of being trans became more and more visible in and around my life. And it's been even more recently that I've started to articulate my queer preferences with my own identity. To say that being trans 'crossed my mind' would be an understatement.

I've done the research, I've chatted with trans friends, I've sat and listened to various stories from other individuals, and I would even attempt at great lengths to envision myself as a woman. Yet, I still didn't feel a eureka moment--not a 'click' that made sense. If anything, there was an absence of feeling. This was a strong contrast to when I found out that I was bi so long ago.

What most transfolk have told me was that "body dysphoria" was a key part of the trans experience (and any of y'all can speak up on your experiences as well). It's been described as distress, unease, and a complete unhappiness with how one looks--when they look into the mirror and what they see. It's something much more innate, more intrinsic to a person's being, than many who aren't trans may realize. And yet, I don't think I've felt this. At least, what I have felt is something I haven't quite found the right words for yet.

A trans friend put it into perspective when they talked about "body euphoria" or finding a certain look or identity that gives you validation/confidence/pride in oneself.

In fact, many years ago, a childhood friend drew a female version of my entire friend group, and it got me thinking--

"Wow! I look cute!" I thought.

"Wait... do I want to be cute?" And suddenly, silence.

The more I contemplate this silence in my head, the more a growing part of me wants to rip out the--sometimes literal, sometimes abstract--constraints that bind down gender identity by its roots. That, or fully leave them behind to find something *else*. Something *other*.

Because, see, I've felt this 'euphoria' some days; letting my hair grow out long, then getting my hair cut, sometimes with facial hair, sometimes fully shaved, I like putting on a suit and being sleek and slim, and other times I might wear nothing at all and simply absorb what I was, skin and all. I compare what I look like, what feels good to me, to what broader society or culture might idealize--perpetuate--in a man and in a woman, and something doesn't connect. Let me clarify, there are things about both genders that excite me, get my blood pumping (this is the bisexual talking), but the qualities that I might like and adore in 'others' are still not quite 'me.' As it stands, that 'euphoria' is a mysterious beast that has continued to elude me.

But who knows. One day, it might all make sense to me, and you will see me as a fully realized man or woman or something else. Something *other*. Until then--

Is this what it feels to be "nonbinary?" If so, this is where I will stay. For now.

[potionio]

Ok wasn't going to post this but HERE WE FUCKING GO bcs the Zero stuff is back on my feed and Im just going to speak and if its stupid ignore it.

Looking at Zero's Patreon comments got me discouraged. Not because of the blatant transphobia- but because of the fact I saw another queer person praising this. And I don't think some people are actively aware of this shit so let SOMEONE has said it and people can't go around saying 'I thought they were trying to help' or some shit.

Let's just get it out of the gay. TLDR? Zero is not your ally or your friend as a queer person.

There is a very distinct difference between people feeling a bit upset about the gender neutrality because they get gender euphoria from being referred to as 'boyfriend/girlfriend' (and other gendered terms) and terfs/transphobes being mad because nonbinary and transmasc/transfem people exist.

Zero is not here to make you feel good. They're not trying to make sure that people who are gender dysphoric still get a bit of joy and spark from playing their game and seeing their simself referred to as someone's 'boyfriend' for the first time. That's not what's happening.

This is someone who clearly is hateful, and if claims about being a de-transitioned trans-woman is correct, clearly has a complicated relationship with the trans community and label.

They're not your friend. They're not your ally. They don't like you. And this should be obvious by the way they phrased their patreon post but clearly it isn't.

Don't mistake people wanting to harm others as your friends, please think about why someone would post a mod like this - if for your own sake. Don't sing their praises when they're part of the people who would throw the first fucking rock if they got a chance. Value yourself as a person.

You can feel miffed that you're not a boyfriend in a game- but a partner, that's allowed. Those are valid feelings- nobody can tell you how to feel. But you putting those feelings above nonbinary and trans people by supporting a creator who clearly doesn't care about us is an incredibly cruel things to do and yes it shows your character and true thoughts about trans lives.

This is absolutely not like- an entirely covering post and I'm sure I may have worded some things wrong because of my frustration with the situation and the way I feel incredibly disheartened seeing someone who identifies as queer support this mod's existence.

Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Nonbinary people are valid whether they identify as trans or otherwise and we deserve to exist too.

IDK just really frustrating because I've seen more than one person think this is some mod made to make them feel more affirmed in themselves when in reality this is a terf trying to delete identities.

This is obviously not talking about blatant transphobes btw, this is talking about a very small group of people. I'm not saying this so transphobic people can protect themselves- I'm saying this so queer naive people don't think this fucking asshole is on their side.

Transphobe to extreme homophobe is a slippery fucking slope.

[snail-speed]

Thinking about how anti-sjw culture really repressed me in almost every front imaginable back in the day.

Like, back then, I knew I was bi, kinda, but you wouldn't have caught me dead even simply questioning my gender. I felt gender euphoria but I was never able to pinpoint it down as proof I'm not cis until years later when some trans friends gave me the Non-Judegemental But Still Very Aware Gaze treatment and I actually sat down and thought about it. I think looking back it's pretty safe for me to say that the way anti-sjw culture looked at transgender people, especially those that didn't constantly point out how much they hated their AGAB, was extremely transphobic and personally set my self-discovery journey a good 5 or so years back.

Back then, ironically, I was also not really very religious. I still went to Confirmation classes and the such, but I fucking hated it, for many reasons but one of them being I was just doing out of obligation being raised Catholic. In this one I also genuinely don't know what changed, but I've actually gone back to Catholicism both in earnest and willing now. I feel like I have a much better grasp of theology now and I'm no longer shy about being religious, I also think fellow religious people (especially queer religious people) deserve to feel more open about it, and I've also brushed up on other religions. I'm not perfect but I do try my best to be open and respectful, especially compared to my time back in the anti-sjw trenches (once you recognize the signs of shit like Islamophobia and antisemitism it's like Holy Shit It's Relentless).

I feel I also have my PDD in better check now, both because I've lived with it for longer and because quite honestly a lot of people I associated myself with back in those days were fucking assholes. I look back on that one friend group blocking me the moment I got too woke for their tastes with pride. My friends now are amazing and the ones that have stuck with me throughout the transition process are also delightful.

[morporkian-cryptid]

On gender, confusion, and labels

I want to talk about my experience of gender, because it’s been a long and complicated journey and I’m finally at a point where I’m not having an identity crisis every six months. I haven’t seen many people with a similar experience in my years on the Trans Website and I kinda wish I had people tell me this earlier. This is not meant to be catch-all advice for all gender-confused folks, just my own story; if others can resonate with it and feel a little less lost, then I’ll be happy.

(This is gonna be pretty long, be warned)

I experience little to no dysphoria, and that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to accept that I’m not cis. What tipped me off to the whole Gender Situation was mostly the euphoria of being perceived as a masculine woman, or mistaken for a guy.

I came out as genderfluid years ago, to about two persons. Six months and a lot of thinking later, I went back on it because it turned out it was just a phase.

Well, not a phase, more like a cycle. After that, I kept deeply questioning my gender every six to twelve months. Most of the time I’d feel like a woman (albeit without any clear idea of what “being a woman” actually meant), and every now and then I’d get clear flashes of “I’m something else” feelig and start to question my entire identity for a couple months; then go back to “nah actually I’m cis”. Rinse and repeat.

I kept cutting my hair increasingly short, event went as far as a buzzcut. I rarely wear makeup. I like when people mistake me for a boy or are confused about my gender.

Every year or so, I found myself looking at binders. Every year I flaked out. At some point I bought compression bras but barely wore them because they were uncomfortable. I like my chest in and of itself, but sometimes I don’t like the way it looks with dresses or frilly tops – I like my chest but I don’t want it to be perceived. (I did buy a binder eventually, for the few days when I want my chest gone. I don’t wear it a lot, but I’m happy to have the choice.)

For a while I played with using different pronouns; I asked my friends to call me he or they for a few days, or I’d introduce myself with those pronouns in talking groups. But most of the time I went back to “she” like an old comforting jumper.

I even changed my name for about six months, then went back to my birth name. That was a very difficult time. I didn’t want to change my name. I like my birth name a lot. What happened was, Elliott Page came out, and I heard the name Elliott and my brain kinda went, “huh I like that name, it fits, I kinda like being a girl named Elliott”; and then it was like an itch that wouldn’t go away unless I scratched it. The weight of that decision scared me. It wasn’t like pronouns or a haircut: a name is what I present myself to the world with, and I was terrified of changing such a big thing about me.

My friends were very supportive, and switched without problem. I was lucky enough to move abroad for a six-month exchange program right when that identity crisis happened, so I got the very rare occasion to introduce myself as Elliott to people who didn’t know me at all, and whom I wouldn’t see anymore after six months. My flatmates were great and called me Elliott without question.

Six months later, the name stopped fitting. I don’t know how to describe it, but it just didn’t feel like me anymore, so I went back to my birth name, and all my friends were chill with that. (I still use Elliott as a pseudonym online.)

The reason the early years of questioning my gender were really complicated, is because for a lot of my life I’ve been really into labels. I wanted to understand things and put them in neat little boxes; and my identity was no different. If I’m not a woman then I must be trans. But I feel like a woman 75% of the time. Can I call myself trans if I identify with my AGAB most of the time? Do I actually identify as a woman, though? Or am I okay with being perceived as one? What does “feeling like a woman” even mean? Technically, by definition I must be genderfluid, which means I’m trans, but that’s a word that doesn’t feel like it applies to me. I can’t be part-time trans. But I’m not exactly cis either. Then what the fuck am I??

I wanted a word to put on my identity, because if I didn’t have one then I didn’t know what I was, and that was really difficult to live with.

It took me years to shed that need for a label, and to get to the point I am at today. Today I see my gender as feelings rather than identity. My gender is too big and complicated to neatly fit into a word, or even ten. My gender is the way I dress, the way I talk, the emotions when I am called miss or sir, the feeling when I look at myself in the mirror after a fresh haircut. It’s a hundred interconnected tidbits that all shift day to day.

The best way I’ve found to describe my experience of gender, is this:

I am not a woman

I am fine with being perceived as a woman

I do not want to be perceived as feminine

These are the three things I’m certain of right now (and they might change later! And that’s okay!), and my day-to-day gender presentation hinges around them. I no longer try to look inside myself and ask “What is my Gender?”, because I’ve never found a straight (ha!) answer, and that’s only ever brought me anguish. What I do now, is look in the mirror and ask myself “Do I like this outfit?”, look at a sentence I wrote and ask myself “Do I like these pronouns?”. I’ve kind of applied the Marie Kondo method to my gender: does this spark joy? Then I’m doing it. In this text I’m sending to my friend, does calling myself “handsome” spark joy? Then I’m calling myself “handsome”. Does wearing a binder under this dress spark joy? Then binder it is. If I want to try out a new name, I can tell my friends and they’ll try it out with me, and if it turns out I don’t like it, I can always ask them to go back to the old one. The gender feelings I’m feeling right now are as real as the ones I felt yesterday or the ones I’ll feel tomorrow, they’re as important and I am allowed to indulge in them.

With labels, I do sort of the same thing, although I’m not quite there yet. The best word I’ve found to describe myself is genderqueer, because it’s vague enough to not imprison me inside a box. Sometimes I’ll say I’m non-binary if that’s relevant to the context of the discussion. I still don’t actively describe myself as trans, because the vastness of that word and the experiences it comes with is still a bit scary for me – but I don’t forbid myself anymore from taking part in things labelled as “trans”, like talking groups, pride events, Tumblr posts and Discord servers. Even if I don’t identify with the word, I identify with many of the experiences, and I do technically fall under the definition of transgender. I’m allowed to be part of that community, even if I kinda just lurk around the doorstep. Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable enough to actually come in, and proudly call myself transgender.

I have been sort of toying with the idea of maybe one day going on T. If I had had that idea a few years earlier, I would have freaked out and had another identity crisis over it, like I did with the name change. As things are right now, I’m just sort of considering the idea and giving myself time to think about it, do research, try alternative ways to change my body first. There’s no rush at all. I know now that my perception of my own gender varies over time, and that I can take years to get comfortable with aspects of my identity or presentation. I can take my time; I can go on T in a few years when I’m certain, or I can decide I don’t want that. I don’t have to make a big decision now.

Seeing transition this way is incredibly freeing.

I’m very lucky to experience minimal gender dysphoria, but because of that, I conflated “being okay with people perceiving me as a woman” with “actually being a woman”. I mostly use she/her and my feminine birth name, not because they describe my gender (they very much don’t), but because they’re comfortable. It’s like I’m goth but I don’t find goth clothes comfortable, and displaying my identity as goth isn’t worth the discomfort of wearing itchy clothes. So I prefer to wear this old sweater that’s super comfy even if it doesn’t reflect my tastes, and stick a couple of skull pins on it so other goths know I’m actually one of them. Just because the sweater isn’t goth doesn’t mean I’m not goth inside. Just because I go by she/her and a feminine name doesn’t mean I’m not non-binary inside. Explaining my actual gender to the people around me isn’t worth the hassle, misunderstanding and possible debates about my identity; the people who understand know, and the others don’t, whatever.

(TL;DR) So, yeah. This is a lot of text to really just say, if finding a word for your gender hurts, don’t try to find a word. Focus on the experiences, do what makes you happy, gender-wise. Labels can be helpful, but if they’re not, you are not obligated to use one. Gender is incredibly complex and cannot be easily summarized by words. At the end of the day, what’s important is your feelings, and trying to make them good feelings.

[chasingg-stars]

7 - What gives you dr euphoria? (like gender euphoria but for your dr…)

ngl i don't quite get dr euphoria,, sometimes something makes me feel connected to my dr but it isn't always the same thing and i couldn't pinpoint anything as euphoric or connective of my dr

8 - Who is your s/o? What is your dynamic and how do you spend time together? Are you two doing something special for the holiday?

urm i can't really name drop her lol considering she's a real person and not famous and i literally went to school with her but !! we met when i transferred schools and she left one of her sketches on her desk and i walked by and realized her art style looked a lot like a tiktok artist i follow so i pointed it out and turns out it actually was her ! small world or wtvr but we started talking and i integrated into her friend group and i got a major crush on her that made me act like an idiot but i was scared to say anything so she actually confessed first and it happened over text and i literally had to set my phone down and cry tears of joy so yep! that's our "dynamic" ig lol. our dates are usually going to craft stores, comic cons, or staying in and watching anime. i sometimes take her out when im doing spiderman things but usually i make her stay home considering i never know how dangerous it's gonna be.

9 - What are some headcannons you have about people in your dr?

once again bc it's like,, ppl that i know irl i don't really have headcanons so,,,

10 - What is your occupation in your dr? Your coworkers? (Or if student, your classmates?) What is your favorite and least favorite aspect of your occupation?

i mean ig spiderman but that doesn't really count. when i first get to my dr i'll be in 7th grade so 😭 but i'm gonna go into engineering and fashion design once i get close to college lol. i specifically want to go into medical engineering for prosthetics and such and i want to make them more than just aids like i want people to enjoy their prothetics because they're fun and expressive as well as functional yk?

[pvdbaby]

i have grown years in the last 12 months

this is my first post. i'm in my early 20s, i live in providence, i'm trans. i might be a lesbian but maybe not. hints of transness has been following me for many years but it wasn't til may '24 that things started getting real. the last 12 months have included a whole lot of growing pains.

i'm here because trans people need to write, and i need an outlet. it's been a while since i've really tried to write and i can't remember that last time i was vulnerable online. maybe it was because i was raised in the stranger danger era that i keep somewhat private, but it feels more important than ever to just be visible. i still need to find the words to describe what i'm experiencing, but maybe one day i'll become practiced enough and have undergone enough self-discovery that my words will help someone else.

nov 4 2024

it's election night eve in the usa, and things have been feeling so bleak. on this day last year (nov 4 2023), i was in freedom plaza marching for palestine. the anger was so fresh, like nothing i had ever felt before. i had faith that changing the tide of public opinion could change the outcome of our actions abroad. it's been a full year since that march and i find myself sick and desensitized. i still think about palestine every hour of every day.

learning how to question every rule and truly learning yourself is such a process. i'm not sure i even do really know myself. i'm not sure that most people ever come this far in deconstructing gendered expectations placed on them, but maybe that's just early 20s arrogance. i understood the references people made to the matrix before i started transitioning, but it wasn't until august that i REALLY got it. there's a whole other paradigm out there and once you see it, how can you not live queer?

it's strange to feel some kind of euphoria from deep-diving into yourself, your trauma, and almost feel selfish for the unique pleasure you can take from it while your taxes go towards unspeakable horror. it feels so insignificant -- gender exploration almost feels like another distraction. but, i think part of learning to question what you've been taught about gender also necessitates questioning what you've been taught geopolitically. trans liberation and palestinian liberation are hard to separate for me. once you see the silliness of gender binary propaganda (boys are hard-wired this way, girls are hard-wired that way), you start to see the reliances on bullshit essentialist ways our government demonizes people in countries that have oil and resources (they're hard-wired to be violent, our enemies). i don't see how we'll have one group's liberation without the other, and i sure am scared for all of us regardless of the outcome of this election.

looking back on my college years, it's almost as if i was stunted. i cannot believe the experiences i've had over the last year and how much i've changed. i'm frequently told that i'm mature beyond my years, but what are you supposed to do with that?

if you see this, or follow me, you'll have to forgive me for the number of times i'll have to repeat myself before i finally start trusting and believing myself. i also have a tendency to get off-track when i write. i guess this is a diary for now but maybe one day i'll have essays.

i've made some really lovely trans friends within the last year but sometimes it's still lonely -- you can reach out. love you

pvd baby

[the-casbah-way]

the popular conventionally attractive girl to gay transmasc pipeline is wild. i literally have recurring dreams about the times popular guys would hit on me and they’d put on that false facade of kindness that only really goes knee deep and of me feeling that really specific form of validation and safety that came with it that most definitely boils down to severe daddy issues. that feeling you’d get KNOWING that some dude your friends thought was hot was into you was like a drug to me and the only thing i have discovered that is far more powerful and important and meaningful is trans joy and gender euphoria and diy’ing your body into something none of your abusers have touched or known and learning for the first time that you can do whatever you want to yourself because of what YOU think is beautiful and not what random cis men that you don’t even like would want to see instead. i don’t know how to explain it but it’s so weird to have experienced both ends of this spectrum. i still find it hard to cope when i remember that the majority of people find me ugly and i get rude homophobic things yelled at me in the street because even though i’ve changed in so many ways my actual personality is still the same as it was back when i was a popular girl. i never fit in with the main girl clique that i kept getting invited into and i preferred to stick with my own group instead because i was this weird autistic faggot who liked drawing warrior cats fanart and singing undertale fan songs out loud unironically in the locker room before gym but because of how i looked people just didn’t care. like i was allowed to be one of them anyway purely because of insanely stupid things like the fact i had really long blonde hair or the fact that the token rugby boy at school had a crush on me. it’s so weird that i’m the same person as i was back then but now those very same cis people who loved me hate me because of how i look and how i want to live and shit like that. i’m really glad i freed myself from that obsession with being desired as a friend and as a sexual object but i sometimes forget that the way i’m perceived has changed so much because i feel so much more familiar with and at home in my body now that i can’t even remember that i looked different before

[frogofalltime]

16.02.2024

i woke up late after having many nightmares. i was sick but i forced myself to get up around 11am. i was also in pain again but it was okay. i decided not to shower. i ate some breakfast and got dressed and went out to spend time with my friends.

i was more than half an hour late but it was okay, we didn't really have any plans. i ate my lunch which i had left in the fridge from the day before, played super auto pets with my friends, played in the basement, etc

i was trying to take photos of my friend for a project they are working on and we ended up just messing around. they took a photo of me from their height which was really funny. i looked like a tiny old man. also we were both wearing very similar jumpers, this happens quite regularly in our friend group (i'm on the left and my friend is on the right)

then i went to the park to walk around and feed the birds with @wiggles-mcgee, i don't think our flock was as hungry as usual though because they had probably already eaten a lot today due to a lot of people going to the park in the nice weather. it was really cold but lucy gave me their hoodie which was extremely appreciated and warm and gay. and we also saw some blossom, which means spring is coming !!

then we had a house meeting which i decided to attend because i was involved in the situation it was about. i was worried it was going to get really angry and unproductive but i think it went okay.

after that @etherealspacejelly showed me a bajillion pictures of his cat and then made dinner for us both which was really nice, i think cooking my safe foods for me is the key to my heart lol

we stayed up chatting until like 11pm. at one point i felt myself getting upset due to being proven ignorant of basic common knowledge again (this is an almost daily binya occurrence) but i laughed about it and it was okay. i was very tired and it made me feel kind of insane. at one point robin made a joke, i don't even remember what it said, but i couldn't stop laughing for ages and my stomach and chest were really hurting (in a good way)

oh yea also during the house meeting people thought it would be funny for me to wear this legal observer vest to like. be a neutral party in the situation. but then my friend said i looked like bob the builder so she took this photo and sent it to the group chat with the caption "binya the builder" lmao

finally i went home and procrastinated going to bed. on the way home some guy said "nice checkered shirt dude" to me and it made me so happy !! gender euphoria is truly the best feeling in the world and i am overjoyed every time this happens.

i debated taking a shower but i was too tired. when i was finally in bed i made the mistake of checking my phone and i ended up having a really bizarre conversation with someone i used to go to school with like 10 years ago. she messaged me out of the blue and started asking me questions about gender and religion and basically trying to make me question everything because it is all cultural and not the truth ?? honestly i don't really know what she was talking about but it really felt like she was trying to get me to open up to her so she could change my mind with terf arguments. idk. it was really strange.

in the end i just had to say "i'm really sorry but it's 3:30am please can i go to sleep" because i could Not keep my eyes open and i was just so confused. i eventually got to sleep after that, but yea that was Extremely Weird.

i don't have any conclusions just that i am very tired but it was overall a pretty interesting day !

[ramblesbiab]

I think of the most interesting parts of non-human gender to me is that I was in what has to be an incredibly rare scenario regarding it. I was socially pressured into feeling like I had to be animal-gendered to fit in, rather then any sort of opposite to that.

I was a good few months into making sapphic audio roleplays on YouTube at the time, along with incredibly lonely, so I decided I would try to make a Discord server. The first week ended up with eighteen year old me getting lovebombed into a toxic relationship by a twenty-six year old, but after I pretended I had quickly recovered from that despite the fact that it still haunts me sometimes, things were smooth sailing. I was making lots of queer friends, I was getting closer to them, I finally felt like I had a place in the world.

And then, someone started explaining therians and such to folks, which is cool obviously. I don’t want this to come across as an anti-non-human genders post, I think it’s beautiful that the world is so unique in that way. But a lot of folks who I was becoming friends with started realizing things about themselves, and by a lot, I genuinely mean all of them. It felt like a wave crashed over the server as everyone in my new group started realizing they were wolves, foxes, sheep, etc.

A few months into my new friendgroup and I was already the odd one out. It was terrifying, honestly. I was going to lose everybody again. So, I started thinking about deer. I love deer, they’re my favorite animal, and I could probably work with that. I began doing a lot of mental convincing. A lot of telling myself that it wasn’t just my desire for attention making me happy when I told people, it had to be gender euphoria. I had to be a deer.

For months, it kept going like that. That’s not to mention the stretch where I convinced myself I was plural, but I won’t touch on that since it was even more traumatizing. Everybody called me a deer, everyone treated me like a deer, and even through the masks of telling myself it felt good, there was an edge to it. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop. It took over a year before I finally had to put a stop to it, and that started a series of events that ultimately led to me losing the majority of the friendgroup that I had. Thankfully, those I care for most stayed.

It feels so strange looking back. How much time I lost due to my desperation to fit in, how many days I forced myself to be comfortable because I thought everything would fall apart otherwise. I’ll never get that time back.

Despite being deep into my transition already at the time, I log that year the same way I do most years before I even realized I was a woman. It makes me realize just how little time I’ve spent being the actual, true me. Hopefully I’ll be able to find out.

[scrambleseggy]

I think something wild about being an afab going on T at almost 30 and also being someone who’s lived an overall queer experience under a somewhat tedious labeling process is that I have MET toxic masculine trans men. For the record, I very much appear as a cis woman to people, and most people I meet just kinda sum me up as “some sorta lesbian.”

TW from some harsher personal experiences.

Back in my early 20’s, one of my FTM franchise managers sexually harassed me at a company party very inappropriately. Within the same time frame, one of my now ex-friends and on-site manager was dating a trans men who fit ALL the stereotypes of toxic masculinity: disregard for others, pavement princess giant truck, constantly talking over others or using his strength as a source of intimidation (and I would say a source of overcompensation as well lets be real here lol). At a certain point he made this ex-friend cry so much, I had to ban him from my house and tell him I’d try to get a restraining order if he came back.

So it does really annoy me that there seems to be an ignorant group of people who form online when trans women speak about transmisogyny within the community. Because there are trans men out there who act like complete douchebags and assholes to validate themselves in their identity or they’re just plainly assholes, and this is something I would see a lot at gay clubs as opposed to tight knit groups or niche online circles. Trans women and others are trying to tell ya’ll that this is a problem that happens and some of you are childishly sticking your fingers in your ears and going “LALALA TRANSANDROPHOBIA SHHHHHH” and it’s like… Ya’ll, you don’t have to turn a blind eye to this shit because quite frankly it’s embarrassing and very misinformed.

I will say however that as someone who is thinking about transition now, I can empathize with the knee-jerk reaction as well. It’s really scary to have people tell you the negative things you could become or ways you could hurt people. It can actually in my experience be a whole driving force in continuing to remain dysphoric through your life because it’s better to do that than feel like you may end up being completely alienated from everyone, especially if all women are a very important part to you in your life.

The whole “T is poison” thing runs deep. I always had this fear that the moment I’d start it would be the moment I would become the very thing I’m made to be afraid of even if it’s what I want to be. It’s such a difficult ball of yarn to unravel. What if I did get male privilege, but even in my gender euphoria, I end up hating myself anyway? What if I don’t get male privilege or “pass” but people in the “community” (such a loose and confusing word imo) also hate me and then I have no one? If straight women treat me bad after or before “passing”, if lesbian women see me in ways I don’t want to be seen, if cis straight men think I’m a freak and gay men think I’m an intruder… Where does that place me in the world? And who really am I? Will people believe me less or more when I’m hurt by others?

I think it’s atleast something for people to consider because as someone who’s dealing with really bad dysphoria right now, these are the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head.

It’s also good to remember that online is online and real life is real life. Yes sometimes they reflect each other, but oftentimes, people lie on the internet (GASP!) and speak in exaggerations.

This is why it’s always good to try and strive for local connects to maintain your own sanity. At the end of the day, I know my own friends who still see me as the same person. And getting to know my own family of queer people of all kinds who I love dearly and they love me back does make the world feel like a more understanding place and less like a cruel and divisive one. I guess it’s just something to keep in mind.