#or maybe not hospital but he needs help
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The whole point of Mahabharata and the introduction of kaliyuga is that absolute pureness will not suffice. That to be good is to suffer. That if you keep taking what the world gives you, you will die empty-handed, everything you own taken away. That is the whole point of Bhagavat Geeta. To give what you're given, not to keep bending until your back breaks, NOT to keep suffering because that is the good thing, at the hands of someone who has done nothing for you. It is insane that this man who claims to be so clever and smart is so, SO willing to become literally stupid just because it's the Good thing to do. It is unfathomable to me. This is pure stupidity no matter from what way you look at it. There are all sorts of religious shows to tel these idiots that you MUST take back what you're owed. It's literally YOUR right. It is literally what you are SUPPOSED to do. When you keep giving what you have rightfully earned out of the labour of your blood sweat and tears, you are not doing it for the goodness. It's going nowhere. God is laughing at you and is probably angry that you're wasting opportunities and resources and the blessings you were provided with for your benefit. Especially when you're not only responsible for just yourself but for people in your family as well. Especially when you're already so so close to suffering that you need all the extra resources you can to make sure you don't suffer. The whole point of Krishna is to accept the impure within you, to fight for your own self. Rama is become so relevant these days because people here are braindeads. This is not the satyuga, the moralities of that times will have you beaten down bleading on the ground. This is kaliyuga, in order to preserve yourself you need to weaponise cunning to save yourself. That's how it is supposed to be. You sit down and take and you keep on taking from every single person that comes across you. You think this is patience? To be unreasonably lenient to strangers and so hard on your family? Your wife and daughter? You think yourself so smart but you are so obviously stupid I laughed at your face because of it. You are hell bent on wasting away everything you are in the name of a false ideal that will not only leave you nowhere but will also drive you mad and who will take the brunt of it? Your wife. Your daughter. Because man is a coward who is so so scared of another man be it his own son. He will scream and shout and the littlest faults of his wife and daughter but not the son, he gets to be a no-gooder, he gets to be free with it in the name of I-dont-care-let-him-do-what-he-wants-hes-a-no-gooder-anyways. Not your mother or sister because they are women and you must service them because it is good and noble but your wife and daughter are not women who deserve the same treatment, no, you can blame them for the stress you've acquired by your own stupidness and claim to be all high and mighty. This man needs to open his eyes or I swear to god I will lose all respect.
#cannot believe this man pays 6.5k rent and just gave away more than the place he lives in in just fucking 4.5k#like he was legit close to suffering into building that house and all throughout it his wife was to blame bc she wanted a house#only to in yhe end fucking put the house up for rent like bitch stop me from throwing hands bc im so fucking close#and that too at fucking 4.5k????#IS HE INSANE IS HE FUCKING STUPID WHAT THE FUCK#hIS OWN BROTHET IS RENTING ONE FUCKING SMALL ASS ROOM FOR 3K AND THIS MAN JUST RENTED. BRAND NEW PRETTY ASS HOUSE WITH BIG ROOM SPACEOUS#LIVING SPACE MASSIVE KITCHEN AND PRETTY WASHROOMS AT JUST 4.5K?????????????#AND HE PLANS TO GIVE THE OTHER ROOMS AT 3K??????????????????????#AND HIS AIM IS AT 20K TOTAL ERANING WHEN IT HAS THE FUCKING GOOD POTENTIAL OF 40K????????#GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES FUCKASS STOP WITH THE GOOD PEOPLE BULLSHIT MY FUCKING GOD#honestly#my faith in men#has evaporated#theyre just born stupid#this man gives away his money to his ungrateful ELDER brothers (legit lakhs of it)#gives away money yo his sister and her children#doesnt even think of having it returned#yet hospitals are too much to take to for his own family#and everytime we ask for anything its “what is the need”#like yeah whatever your money blah blah but maybe dont marry and have responsibilities that you owe your family?#KARNA WAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BECAUSE HE WAS DAAN-DEVTA FOR FUCKS SAKE#im so fucking done oh my god#mahabharata#mahabharat#ramayan#krishna#karna#family#father#idiot
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'live up to your name' au where og knight of blood and iron javier gets "killed" in the middle of the plot but instead of dying he's transported to modern south korea, waking up in a random alleyway with no injuries whatsoever. and because he's a protagonist no matter what universe he is in, despite being deeply disoriented and confused when he sees a group of thugs harassing a guy he steps in and chases them off with no problem and barely any mention of cutting off limbs. and then after making sure the guy is okay he very sheepishly asks him if he could please help him because he was lost and had no idea of where he was or how he got there
and kim suho who just saw a gorgeous but obviously foreign stranger in awesome cosplay chase off his would be muggers with what looked like a real ass sword and is currently high and smitten in "oh thank god i didn't get my week's work salary stolen" endorphins and is about to have the weirdest week of his life innocently says "yes of course"
#i talk a lot <3#tged#the greatest estate developer#og javier asrahan#kim suho#listen i just need javier to be the fish out of water in modern south korea so badly my heart aches for it#of course as time goes on suho goes from believing javier is just a very in-character cosplayer to thinking he just found someone#having a very bad mental breakdown lol#but the guy Did save him and he thinks it would be a shitty move on his part to leave him to his own devices when he's clearly not well#so despite this being more than what he signed up for he decides to keep trying help him even if his help does switch from trying to locate#his hotel and maybe a group of friends if they're lucky to trying to corral him into going to a hospital or a police station where they can#find who this guy really is and why the fuck does he believe he's javier asrahan protagonist of his latest favorite novel#of course that all goes out of the window when by pure chance and a healthy dose of bad luck suho almost gets run over by dear truck-kun#and when javier shields him with his own body they find themselves back in lorasia. in the middle of the plot. the very tragic#very action filled very dangerous plot#still figuring out the later details but it would definitely involve a couple more switches between universes#and the subsequent adapting to a different world than your own shenanigans
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Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.
#i dont really like this psychiatrist but ive only seen her once so i figured i should give her one more shot#last time i saw her she adked how i liked my anxiety meds#i said i love them. theyre helpful and have no side effects since my body got used to them#and i said i explicitly didnt like ky old ones cuz of how they made me feel#she prescribed the old ones and said i should just tey taking a smaller dose. even though im on meds i like#but the bigger problem is#we went over all my previous medications. ive been on several. a lot of antidepressants especially which is really bad for bipolar#the worst antidepressant cause pericarditis (swelling around my heart) that made me go to the emergency room#we went over that. i told her everything i just told you#my bipolar leans heavily into the depression so she decided to tey another antidepressant along with my mood stabilizer#can you guess which antidepressant she prescribed? can you??#and i didnt realize it at the time because she called it the generic name so i couldnt explain she shiuldnt prescribe me that#and i meant to callher about it but it completely slipped my mind and i thought i had more time#and then suddenly my appointment is tomorrow#or the other thing she recommended was lithium. which feels like wuite an escalation#eapecially since she said it can cause irreversible damage to (maybe remembering this wrong) my kidneys#like i feel like there must be a better option. none of which are anxiety meds i dont like. an antidepressant that sent me to the hospital#or something that could cause irreversible damage. like i feel like theres a better way#i also need to talk to her about setting up an adhd assessment#i had an assessment a few years ago in which i was told im 'too smart to have adhd'#calling adhd people not smart is bullshit. you cant be too smart to have adhd. and i feel like i was just dismissed because im female#he said he wished he could score as hugh as i did on the knowledge tests#man me too. maybe then you wiuldnt be such an idiot. how did you get a license to practice. how did you pass any higher education#are you just a random guy that walked in off the street? i refuse to call him a doctor#i call him a quack or by his full name because i don't think he deserves the respect of that title#what was i talking about. oh yeah trying another assessment with an actual doctor this time#wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow bcuz she might try to kill me again#or dismiss my concerns of adhd like she dismissed my dislike for my old anxiety meds#im in hell. being mentally ill is hell a little bit#actually its not. im fine with my mental illness. im not fine with how doctors treat me because of it
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Insanely funny to me how everyone who works at Princeton Plainsboro acts like House has held them at gun point at made them do the awful things they do. Like sure, he's pushed them towards being worse, he definitely brings out the worst in people, but they do have the option of saying no. Half the time, all he can really do is be more of an asshole. None of them want to admit that he just gives them an excuse to be awful, because then they'd just be admitting that all of them suck.
#house md#literally they're all just awful people. which. people are nuanced and good and evil are too simple to define people blah blah blah#but they are all so! bad!#they just get to conveniently blame all of it on House.#Maybe the fellows have the most justification in this because he's their boss.#but they are also crazy! so.#anyone else would've quit i swear.#all other hospitals would be like oh you quit.. (or were fired)... why? OH you worked for Dr. house? i hate that dude totally understandable#but like Cuddy and Wilson? they have no excuse! House just makes them look better so they seem normal and then they enable him and you#realize thag actually all 3 of them need help and none of them should hold positions of power.#(cuddy is the best of them but she's not totally great)#Wilson yells at House and gets upset when#House exhibits normal behavior of his#and then turns around and continues to enable him#Cuddy yells at House and acts like she keeps him on for the hospital#and then also enables him and breaks laws for him and does not stop his insanity! when she does she proceeds to cave!#and then they all turn to House and tell him he's an awful person who is definitely lying about his chronic pain from his disability and#he ruins everyone's life with his assholery and addiction#as if they don't put themselves there day after day#like damn all of y'all suck. House may bring out the worst in them but it doesn't even take that much#(i firmly believe the fellows would just be like that. House is not soley responsible for their behavior)#they'd all be fired from a better hospital though! Cuddy is the reason for all this idc how good House is. she couldve and shouldve#fired him.#anyways.#ik y'all like to talk about how Wilson looks like Mr. nice guy next to House to hide his own issues#but that's true of alllll of them#its great none of them should ever work in a hospital.
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I’m suppose to paint but my moral is so low right now…
#i Need to do it today cause I forced my dad to go buy the thing so I could do it yesterday (but I slept 5h I was afraid of making mistake)#but I didn’t so I need to do it today cause it will take more than a day and I seriously need to find a job#my health is on line two now I need to go for my eyes and that cost money money that I don’t have at all#i feel like my body is dropping me like how can it be possible to have so many problems at the same time ?????#like they are all pretty minor I’m not gonna d*e but it still really annoying especially when you wanna live your life#but you don’t have force to do it#Sowon also needs food again and I’m not sure if my parents can help me again… I’m loosing my mind#also my brother feeling depress and I feel like my dad cares so much about it more than mine ????#maybe he dosen’t realise it or maybe I don’t show it as much so that would be on me#but without having end up in the hospital I feel like I’m at pretty much the same level as him 😐#except that I force myself to enjoy what I love so I don’t end up worst than I am which he stopped doing#there’s already a gigantic favouritism on my dad side with my brother so maybe I’m just crazy and scared my dad end up feeling the same way#maybe it’s just being scared of it and not the reality idk but it’s messing with my brain so bad I’m tired#but also I can’t even tell my dad one of the biggest reason I got depressed in the first place but at this point he would tell me to get#over it I’m pretty sure 🙄#anyway I’m gonna go paint I guess#wish me luck for everything it seriously need to stop 😭#alex.txt#tw negative#tw negativity
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Ok finally read the new issue and man sonic really needs to change his approach when talking to surge
#ramblings#idw sonic spoilers#like stop trying to befriend her she clearly doesn't want that#i get that he's trying to help and yeah she is being kind of unreasonable#but like who wouldn't be unreasonable after all That#to be fair i don't know how he would properly approach this either#but i know he needs to at least drop the friendship thing because it's not working#tbh i think someone else should try to help her actually#cus maybe just seeing his face is triggering a sort of trauma response#she was specifically made to destroy him. that's all she really knows after all#tails i think is too close to sonic to be able to do much#so maybe amy?#it doesn't look like we'll see surge and kit for a while so we'll have to wait and see how their redemption arc goes#IF they get one that is#i hope they do.. i feel really bad for them#also tails should get checked for a concussion#and sonic for that ankle#and the electrocution#they all should go to a hospital actually#that fight was brutal on all parties
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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Why is homeboy so bad at CPR. First the Lana’s stomach CPR then this weak ass cpr on Jordan. That shit screamed FAKE
#Smallville updates#Clark kent callout post#idk maybe the lack of quality filmmaking in this show just#shows its age?#unknown#also they finally had a child who didn’t look like a whole ass adult#he’s only supposed to be 2 years younger than them#shows stop casting actors 10 years older than the character challenge 2023#also Clark needs to learn how to stop yelling and start bringing to hospital#like he comes across someone fainted and yells for help#babe just take them to the emergency room yourself
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i know dreams aren’t real, but how am i supposed to come back from the way people are in them?
#tw suicide#<-ahead in the tags#okay so last night i dreamt that this boy (who i’m pretty sure likes me) killed himself (vv gruesomely)#anyways i felt like it was my fault for not liking him back#and then there was a scene where he kinda reanimated but w all the injuries still#which freaked the shit outta me#but anyways apparently my student teacher also thought it was my fault#he kept glaring at me but also kinda smirking in a weird sort of way from the corner#anyways he gave me a glass of lemonade and after i drank it all told me it was poisoned#(with a tylenol overdose perhaps???)#so anyways i kinda needed to go to the hospital to live so i went to class to see if anyone would help#bc i could drive myself to the hospital#and i think maybe this one person (who couldn’t drive) kept defending me and finally got an adult to take me to the hospital#and i got better p quick and then just went back to doing everything normally except ignoring everyone#so long story short ik my student teacher isnt out to get me BUT#you have to understand that my dreams always feel so much like reality in the moment right?#like i remember thinking: how is this going to work to go to barbershop rehearsals and just pretend like he didn’t try to kill me??#and stuff like that#and no matter how ‘unrealistic’ it is#it always surprises me when i wake up from these kinds of dreams bc they can kinda integrate into my reality#if that makes sense
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Working alone means I haven't stopped thinking about the Halifax explosion/ the nursing sisters/ ww1.
#I want to write Halifax explosion historical fiction.#i dont want to put down my wwi nurse work i want both#but ideas for the halifax one would be off duty nurse being semi close to the docks#shes a nursing sister but its her day off so shes walking with her sister when the explosion happens.#theyre not close enough to be severely injured but they ARE injured.#maybe shards or something.#i DO want severe abdominal brusing#namely because i think the nurse falls for a doctor and i want the scene of him finding it.#but she also needs to live and its 1917 so i don't really know how good they were with internal bleeding#and i was thinking about making the sister pregnant because of the birth house.#in the birth house the lead goes to Halifax yo aid as a midwife because the force of the explosion triggered a lot of labours#and that would be very interesting.#the nurse would help her to the hospital and then start helping with patients. even though shes definitely actively bleeding somewhere.#and without uniform.#the doctor would try tell her tyat if shes looking for family to wait until things are less chaotic and she'd snap ay him#she's also bisexual thank yoi#she would he secretly seeing a nurse. idk how theu end but theu do#because after a slowburn boom doctor
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when simon wakes up in a hospital, the last thing you expect is for him to grab your hand, pull you close, and say, “hey, there you are, love.” his voice is so soft, so sure, it leaves you speechless. you stare at him, half in shock, because this is ghost—simon riley, the one person who’s kept every feeling locked up.
“simon, do you… do you remember anything?” you ask, testing the waters.
he blinks, looking at you with confidence. “of course, i remember. you’re my wife.”
you freeze. his wife? this is new, and you’re not sure where he got the idea, but before you can correct him, johnny walks in, taking one look at the two of you and biting back a grin. he leans in, whispering to you, “maybe just… go with it for now, eh?” he’s got that teasing glint in his eye, and something tells you there’s no harm in humoring simon for a bit, if it can be helpful for his recovery.
so, you go along with it. and to your surprise, simon doesn’t act confused—in fact, he’s more open with you than he’s ever been. suddenly, he’s holding your hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world, always looking for you, keeping you close, calling you “love” or “darlin’” in front of everyone. he’s even got that soft smile every time you catch his eye, one that makes it hard to remember this isn’t real.
the team’s amused but supportive, playing along with the whole story. simon keeps asking you little things, like what your favorite meal is, or how you usually spend your days when he’s away, as if filling in gaps in a life he believes you share. you find yourself answering with things that feel so genuine, and the way he listens—focused, attentive—feels more intimate than anything you’ve shared before.
one day, you’re patching up a minor scrape on his hand, and he just watches you, eyes soft, like he’s memorizing every detail. “i don’t know what i’d do without you,” he murmurs, voice barely above a whisper. it’s so genuine, so open, that for a second, you forget it’s all just part of his memory loss.
then, one night, he pulls you close, resting his forehead against yours, eyes serious. “do you ever think about us?” he asks softly, like he’s trying to get at something just out of reach. “how we’d be if things were… different?”
you’re not sure how to answer because there’s no script for this. “sometimes,” you admit, feeling a pang of something deep and unspoken. and for the first time, you’re almost grateful he can’t remember—because maybe, just maybe, it’s the only reason he’s letting himself be this vulnerable with you.
as the days pass, you start catching little glimpses, small things that make you wonder if he knows more than he’s letting on. he catches you watching him once, and instead of asking why, he just gives you this little smile, one that feels like he’s in on the secret. and just when you’re starting to think this is all some kind of twisted dream, he pulls you aside.
“i know i’m supposed to remember,” he whispers, “but i don’t want this to end. not yet.”
it’s in that moment you realize the truth. he’s been aware all along—he’s been pretending just as much as you, holding on to this fragile, temporary illusion because, maybe, he needs it just as much as you do.
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hii!! i'm backkk!! send some requests plsss, byee <333
@daydreamerwoah @spicyspicyliving
#simon ghost riley x you#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost x reader#simon ghost riley x female oc#simon riley imagine#simon ghost riley
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dni.
#i don't know how people who do not have siblings live cause#whenever i feel the very intense and real urge to genuinely kms their faces pop up in my head#my sister laughing at my jokes after she had a bad day and saying with tears in her eyes that hey you know what i need you so much please#call me constantly when im abroad i don't know what I'd do without you#and my little brother not trusting my parents advice when he is sick because he thinks they're constantly telling him to do a hundred thing#anyway but listening to me when im giving the exact same advice asking me such innocent questions that seem so obvious#but he doesn't know because of his childlike innocence#like why are we not going to the doctor if i have fever how do our parents know how to cure it and how can i take dolo without a doctors#prescription and me laughing and explaining that it's okay it's normal it's paracetamol you don't have to worry you'll be okay in day or 2#or how he's excitedly telling me that these are the colleges i looked up are they good how do you know if they're good#he needs me so much even tho he'd never say it they've been even worse parents to him than to me he doesn't have anyone else#so then how could i be so selfish and hurt the two people who love and need me the most the two people on whom if i see tears#it feels like a stab directly to the heart?#but i can't help it. can't help fantasizing about dying#maybe myself but even better if by some terminal illness#i keep thinking me lying in a hospital bed and doctors saying there's a complicated procedure and it's very expensive and results aren't#even guaranteed so are you sure want to be treated#and me saying no please let me die my parents would protest at first they would feel it is their duty responsibility to keep me alive#but id say please i don't have anything to live for and i just CAN'T i can't do this i can't live this life it's too difficult im not#capable im already failing please just let me give up and then they'd agree#and then i would tell my father that im sorry i couldn't pay you back for all the money you spent on me my education my living expenses#but atleast now i won't ask for anymore money from you ever you'll probably get some money from the insurance policies#and i would tell my mom that sorry for being such a burden on you all these years but now you can finally be free with the 2 kids you#actually love and you never have to cook for me again or fold my clothes or feel bad that i won't attend your family functions#and i would tell my siblings that i know it's sad but please i know you guys are strong and bright and you're gonna be very happy and#successful and that's enough for me im sorry we couldn't have our dream raksha bandhan away from our parents but you can carry on without#me and ill always love you. and that would be it.#i know it's wrong to fantasize so much about dying and ive read somewhere that they may just seem like thoughts now but if left untreated#one day you're gonna have a bad day and you're gonna find the perfect opportunity and you were so sure you were never going to do it but#then you do. but i don't know how to stop
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Lae'zel's character and her entire situation at the beginning of the game becomes so much more funny when you find out she's 22. It makes so much sense. Imagine you're 22 and you're exposed to this dangerous toxin or chemical or something - but not to worry, you learnt that this can be easily fixed, you just need to dial 911 real quick. Common knowledge. Everyone knows that. You learnt that in kindergarten, it's up there with fire alarm drills.
But the people you're stuck with have no concept of modern medicine and when you say "let's go to the hospital" they will say shit like "i think they kill people at the hospital" and "we should ask this swamp lady" or "this guy over there told me about this homoeopathic healer kind of guy but he got abducted" or "this random bard wants to help" and "I'm not going to dial 911 because I don't want the government to know my home address" or "maybe we should consider a deal with Satan". And then a bunch of them KEEP consuming the chemical because it makes them "stronger". One guy might explode for unrelated reasons. You have a few days before this situation is getting critical and suddenly they're solving crime and doing general charity for the community.
And FOR SOME REASON you still try to help these idiots and you STILL want to help them get the cure even though they all keep insisting the "doctors" at the "hospital" might try to "kill them" and they don't have insurance. And you keep telling them to just. go. to. the. hospital. before the time runs out and you all die very horribly of a very treatable condition.
And also you're 22 in a foreign country and you're responsible for shepherding this gaggle of idiots who are all ranging anywhere from 24 to 240 years old.
#you have to consider the fact that she has no reason to doubt or question the Creche as the easy fix for her problems.#Go there. Get Purified. Done.#and she even wants to make sure that this lot gets treated too. Honestly she is so good to them by Gith standards it's insane#baldur's gate 3#lae'zel
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anyways for the sake of not dumping all of my emotions into a tag For Once. I'm dropping it in a post. like this is facebook or some shit
turns out! it's really fucking hard to get a job when you dont have the experience people expect you to have at 26!
i cant drive i have No highschool education and i have exactly 1 single job experience. Younger me set Current Me up for failure. not on purpose, obviously. but it happened. and now I get to Deal With It.
#i think he'd fucking CRY if he knew we made it past 25. i think maybe he wouldve tried harder to exist if he knew it didnt just. End.#i think we could've had more help from the people that shouldve been there for us too but. yknow. it wasnt /all/ on them.#a huge part of it definitely was. ignoring your childs crippling anxiety bc you didnt want them on pills was fucking stupid.#'ohhh i didnt realise it was that bad' MA'AM. I HAD A PANIC ATTACK AT THE IDEA OF YOU LEAVING ME ALONE IN A WAITING ROOM AND REFUSED TO#ENTER STORES ALONE EVEN WHEN I KNEW WHAT I NEEDED. i literally would not fucking speak for myself bc i was PETRIFIED of existing#not even when i had to go to the hospital. like. wdym you 'didnt know it was that bad' how do you Miss That#[ briefly seethes ]#anyways. yeah. i have some bigass feelings about how teen me got left behind. he didnt deserve that#none of us deserved to get left behind because our needs werent met
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Dreams. Dreams. DREAMS!
The one where I'm watching a movie at Luther's house and she is dressed in almost Russian attire - Fancy, cold, and so beautiful. And we're in bed and I'm explaining my excitement over the Pathologic movie and later we have to deal with zombies but whatever.
And I'm playing with children's toys there. Everyone is so young.
Real life when we were read The Last Unicorn or something, something, at the cafeteria table. The book where the protagonist is taught how to keep her thoughts locked up tight like a box.
Ugh.
#so many connecting strings it's almost like it all MEANS SOMETHING#I just can't believe it. That it doesn't.#and all this time I've... I've spent talking about how our realities are different and how the rules are different... well#this puts that in a perspective that is new.#and it's <<what have you been doing for the last nine months>> from my dad#and it's my general lack of... faith in myself since I got sick. and more accurately when I lost my friend#I feel so stupid. for every little bit of it. for him. for believing in this. (I want to believe). for following my intuition. ("following#yeah. you get the point. I don't know. What Am I even doing. Obviously I'm where I'm supposed to be. I feel so bleak. I want this to be ove#the last NINE MONTHS> you know. the term of a . pregnancy#(pregnant with my delusions maybe)#I just can't even feel happy or experience things without running it through the lens of my father#and I'm worried about him I. want to make sure he's okay and I want him to be safe and happy#it doesn't matter if I KILL MYSELF. it's just too expensive to do so right now and I have a responsibility in Kira. I mean. I do.#Icy telling me that it's going to be March and then for March to be a whirlwind of grief and pain leading into my sickness#and now sitting with this deadline. I think about it every moment of the day I'm not occupied.#UGH. thinking about my hospital bill. that I shouldn't fucking have for a procedure I didn't fucking need. Glad that experience is over.#UGH.#and now back to limerence#what about the dream where I'm actually fucking competent and my method of doing things helps save everyone who was incapacitated#in a very cool Top Gun style.#God. Damn it.#GOD DAMN IT#What am I supposed to do though?? I'm meant to keep living and push on from all of that. How am I supposed to let that go?#I mean everything I hoped and believed in? It's just getting pushed off to accommodate the timeline?#I mean fine? But what?#I was drifting for so long and now?? I'm both healing and losing my mind. man.#God. I'm really disappointed.#nd I have a really hard time doing or accepting nice things for myself because of the Dad Filter#individuate kid. c'mon it doesn't matter what he thinks about your interpersonal relationships#not to mention I have no idea what's going on in his mind. although it's surprising that I did manage to clock what was bothering him
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Me: *strolling along the occult movements in the 1900s* la la la
The article: okay so remember THIS guy. He has ties to this other GUY. And THIS ONE. Don't even talk about him. Okay now moving on this one.
Me: I need a notebook and some aspirin.
#lol i suck at history objectively (i say as i proudly got a B in my undergraduate history course with one of the toughest professors/#theologians/power house of history#that B was hard guys god#anyway bakc to me sucking ass at remembering key important dates#where is my study partner ehen i need one#aleister crowley keeps showing up and i just want to drown in a puddle of water#man. .. i just remmbered he died a couple months ago#not aleister piss off dude#no my professor sigh he was an older man#well old idk i dont know how old he was when he died#anyway back to the dead dudes that shaped history wish me luck#its chaos magick lmao still trying to look to it objectively#but uuuuh gotta say i dont think its for me#kudos to whoever can do it#idk maybe im just not getting it#but i keep looking at like articles#and i guess i need to purchase the specific books maybe thatll help#but it feels uncannily like when i was in the hospital and everything was sterile but i was an amalgamation of shattered glass and halluc#inations of bruised meat#love to hear people talk about it tho#fascinating really lol
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