#but like Cuddy and Wilson? they have no excuse! House just makes them look better so they seem normal and then they enable him and you

[curiosityforstars]

Insanely funny to me how everyone who works at Princeton Plainsboro acts like House has held them at gun point at made them do the awful things they do. Like sure, he's pushed them towards being worse, he definitely brings out the worst in people, but they do have the option of saying no. Half the time, all he can really do is be more of an asshole. None of them want to admit that he just gives them an excuse to be awful, because then they'd just be admitting that all of them suck.

[erimeows]

Knowing (NSFW)

The night that Vogler gets voted off the board, Wilson drives back up to Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in the pouring rain to go celebrate with Chase, Foreman, and House in the latter’s office. Wilson, whose position was conveniently reinstated by Cuddy and the rest of the board, brings a bottle of whiskey in for the four of them to split between the shot glasses he knows House keeps in his desk drawer.

They stay there, making fun of Vogler and chatting away until half past midnight. Chase and Foreman excuse themselves around the same time. 

“And then there were two,” Wilson chimes with a half smile as he screws the lid back onto the glass whiskey bottle and slides it under House’s desk. He doesn’t drink much- hardly drank any of it tonight- so he figures House will get more use out of it than he ever will. “How are you feeling?”

“Think they’re going home together?” House hums, totally ignoring Wilson’s question. House is shaken due to that day’s happenings and just refuses to admit it to anyone- even himself. It makes sense that he won’t acknowledge it. “I could’ve sworn there was some tension recently.”

“I think that has more to do with the fact that you had them at each other’s throats than it has to do with what you’re implying,” Wilson scoffs and shakes his head.

Wilson looks toward the window. House has the blinds open for once. Finally, even if it’s only for tonight, House isn’t closing off the rest of the world.

Wilson stands from where he’s sat in front of House’s desk so he can go to peer out the window. Rain continuously showers over the building and trickles down the window in big fat drops to shroud their already-foggy view of the city. 

“Ah, you’re no fun,” House feigns a pout and lifts himself from his spinning chair so he can slip his big coat over his shoulders. A few awkward seconds pass. Wilson waits for House to inevitably make his exit with a sarcastic farewell, but the exit never comes. Instead, House uses his cane to walk until he’s standing next to Wilson. He leans against the window and stares out at the city rather than at Wilson himself. Meanwhile, all Wilson can stare at is House. “Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you be going home to your wife? She might get lonely without you. Poor thing.”

Wilson rolls his eyes at that. He doesn’t want his wife- he wants House. His marriage has been over since it started and at this point, he’s just waiting for Julie to serve him with papers. 

“I’m an oncologist, House, it’s not like she’s used to having me home at this time of night anyways. The only reason I’m not working right now is because I just got hired back.”

“But you could be home with her if you really wanted to,” House points out- ever so excited to correct someone, even if it’s Wilson- no, especially if it’s Wilson. The man is sadistic; always seizing the opportunity to point out somebody else’s flaws if it draws attention away from his own. By pointing out the fact that Wilson should be home with his wife right now, he draws the attention away from how he refused to keep his head down with Vogler and got Wilson fired. “And you could also be pounding that hot nurse you had lunch with if you really wanted to. I bet she’d light some candles at her apartment and put rose petals on the bed to make it real nice- a contrast from the dead bedroom you’re probably suffering from with Julie right now. So, why are you here with me when you could be with either of them? Or anyone else, for that matter.”

“You’re right,” Wilson shrugs. He knows better to engage with House by arguing. That’s exactly what House wants, so he refuses to play into it. He puts his own jacket on and shoots House a sharp glare. “If you’re going to be like this about it, though, I’m going home.”

Wilson goes to leave, only to feel a hand on his shoulder. He turns his head to see House standing there with an unreadable expression (because even after all these years, this man is still an enigma).

“But do you want to go home to her?”

Wilson gulps and looks down, avoiding House’s prying gaze.

House reaches up to grab Wilson’s chin- to make Wilson look at him. Wilson does what he knows House wants him to and makes eye contact. Icy blue burns into light brown at the same time that Wilson’s cheeks flush pink. 

He’s had feelings for House since… Well, he doesn’t know when. One day, their friendship was just that, and the next, Wilson found himself with a notebook full of the man’s favorite things; found himself stealing glances and dreaming of things that he shouldn’t have been. Casual outings with his best friend turned into him spending his afternoons in preparation, trying on different outfits and mulling over which one would impress House the most. Peaceful nights with his wife- wives, over the years- turned into early mornings with him knelt on the floor of his bathroom, praying to God for House’s health, for House’s happiness, for House’s work, for House. Things changed so fast he couldn’t see it coming, let alone stop it.

Wilson remains lost in thought until House clears his throat, impatient. He recenters himself and meets House’s eyes again. Clearly, House reciprocates. Wilson isn’t oblivious to that. Wilson is the only person House spends time with, the only person House is interested in, the only person House has decided not to shut out. Wilson is the only person House has loved since Stacy.

But, whether or not House actually wants a relationship, Wilson has no idea. House isn’t the kind of man to hesitate. He would’ve made a move by now if he wanted it. Then again, he clearly returns Wilson’s feelings. So, if it’s not a relationship, what does House want? For them to stay in this limbo forever, wanting each other so desperately but never doing anything about it?

Wilson eyes House up and down. Still, his expression remains unreadable, but Wilson can tell that he’s tense with the way he taps his cane against the floor and purses his lips. 

“You know Julie and I haven’t been doing well. Why would I want to go home to her right now? And why does it matter to you?”

At that, House’s face falls. Wilson has successfully backed him into a corner and it’s apparent he doesn’t like it. 

“No reason.”

House backs away from Wilson like he’s on fire and retreats to his desk to gather his things. Wilson follows, unable to notice how House puts extra effort into facing away from him to hide his reddening cheeks.

“You never ask questions without a reason- you never do anything without a reason,” He argues.

“I can’t help but notice that you’re still here,” House grumbles and points up at the analogue clock on the wall. It’s almost one in the morning now. “You said you were going to leave two minutes ago, so leave.”

“You’re the one who stopped me,” Wilson shrugs. With each of these tense, awkward interactions, he feels as if he and House are getting progressively closer to something big. But then nothing happens, and he’s left disappointed like he is every other time. “You should be getting home, too. It’s late.”

“Ooh, so we can leave together,” House smirks and clacks his cane against the floor again. “I love it.”

Wilson flinches at a crack of thunder that booms through the sky.

“Are you sure you should drive in this?” He asks in reference to the downpour outside.

“What, are you gonna offer to chauffeur me to my place and then make that drive all the way back to yours?”

“No,” Wilson answers with a shake of his head. “I was gonna ask if I could drive us both to your apartment and stay with you tonight.”

“Wow, you’re really trying to get in my pants, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, obviously,” Wilson snaps. House blinks in what Wilson assumes is surprise. “You’re not a genius for figuring that one out; I’ve only been interested for a decade. So what?”

House pauses, standing behind his desk and staring at Wilson with a twinkle in his icy blue eyes. The tension in the room becomes so thick that it’s palpable until House walks towards the door of his office and utters one sentence.

“I don’t sleep with married men.”

Then, he shoots Wilson a wink and a smile before gingerly exiting the office, leaving nothing more than a confused and disappointed oncologist. Wilson sighs and looks at the clock again.

It’s one in the morning. He should be getting home.

~

A few months pass. Wilson moves out of the apartment he shared with Julie, which she doesn’t question. He also gets together with a lawyer and gets her served with divorce papers. Unsurprisingly, she doesn’t question that either, and when he goes back to the apartment for the rest of his things, he’s not shocked by the fact that there’s another car in his parking space and a pair of men’s steel-toed boots by the front door. 

As much as Wilson could complain about acquiring a third alimony payment, he’s so relieved that it’s over that he doesn’t think to do so. Instead, he makes copies of all the documents pertaining to the divorce, storms into House’s office, and throws them down onto the diagnostician’s desk. 

House, who was sitting in his chair and bouncing his tennis ball on the floor, glances up at Wilson with a half-smile.

“What’s this? STD test results? I knew your panty-peeling ways would catch up to you eventually,” House jokes before picking up the stack of papers and staring down at it. Upon reading the words, his eyes go wide. “You really did it…”

“I’m not a married man anymore,” Wilson smirks. “What now?”

House tilts his head. His small half of a smile morphs into a large, cheshire grin.

“I don’t sleep with people who know me.”

“Really? That’s it? Not ‘I’m not gay’?” Wilson sputters. House must be coming up with excuses to avoid the inevitable at this point- either that or just trying to fuck with him for the fun of it. They love each other, and they both know they love each other, but that was never the problem. It’s always been House and whatever reservations he has back in that complicated head of his. “That’s your reason, that you know me?”

“Yes,” House nods and tosses the copies of Wilson’s divorce papers into the trash can next to his desk. Then, he starts spinning in his chair like a child and tosses his tennis ball in Wilson’s direction. Wilson barely catches it. “And I’ve never confirmed or denied the thing about being gay- I like to keep people on their toes, keep ‘em guessing.”

“You like to keep people on their toes, huh? That’s one hell of an understatement. What about Cuddy? Or Stacy? And I’m pretty sure you’ve at least considered Cameron. You know all of them.”

“Sure I do, but they don’t know me,” House explains and crosses his arms. “You, however, do.”

“And you don’t sleep with people who know you- you won’t risk being with me even though we have these feelings for each other-” Wilson pauses, pointing at himself as he puts it together. “Because you’re afraid of being known.”

“No. I just know better than to mix being known with the terrible thing that is my sex life. Why are you so insistent on making this a me problem?” House demands. While it’s apparent that he’s trying to maintain his composure, Wilson has known the man long enough to tell that he’s frazzled as he looks for his cane. Upon locating it, House grabs it from where it fell onto the floor at some point and gets up from his chair. “Is it because you don’t want to admit that it could be you?”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” Wilson huffs. He throws his hands up in frustration and furrows his brow in anger. House starts to walk like he’s going to go past Wilson and to the door of his office, so Wilson blocks his way by moving in front of him. House shoots a glare that would work on just about anyone else- that would make Cameron or Chase or Foreman or any of House’s clinic patients turn their backs and walk away- but Wilson hasn’t been friends with House for over a decade by walking away from him. “You just admitted it was you and the weird prerequisites that you have for your sexual partners!”

“Well, you’ve had three failed marriages and you’re the only common denominator, so are we going to sit here and pretend that I’m the problem in this relationship?”

“I know I’m not perfect, you idiot- we’re both the problem!”

“Listen, Wilson, we’re at work and I’m sure you’ve got a ton of dying bald little freaks to save,” House says with a harsh tap of his cane to the floor for emphasis. 

“You’re fucked up.”

“I know. We both are,” House says and leans down to Wilson’s ear, daring to nip on the lobe. A flash of heat tears through Wilson’s spine. He can’t remember the last time he was so enthralled with someone; was it during his marriages? No, he would’ve remembered. Before House? Or was it always House? He’s so close that Wilson can smell past the cologne he wears and the shampoo he puts in his hair to get the scent of him, just him. Wilson knows his eyes are wide as House whispers in his ear. “Now get back to work. Or, if you’re just going to spend the rest of your shift thinking about me anyway, go home where you can fantasize about what I’m like in bed without getting interrupted.”

House, thinking he’s won this, side-steps as smoothly as he can given his infarction and goes to take another step forward so he can briskly escape this tense situation. Wilson, however, doesn’t intend on letting House escape. He’s always been good at surprising House, which he does yet again when he entangles his fingers in the loose ends of House’s hair and moves closer until they’re chest to chest. He waits for House to push him away, to say something, to tell Wilson that he doesn’t want this for some other stupid reason he’s come up with to push Wilson away for the millionth time.

Silence ensues. House doesn’t speak, just remains perfectly still with his back pin straight and his icy blue eyes trained on Wilson. He’s just holding his breath, watching, waiting for the oncologist to make the next move. Wilson enjoys the moment for what it is; being this close to House and being able to touch him isn’t something he’s ever gotten to partake in. 

House’s hair is peppery in color and a little coarse, and the ends are grown out so he has a couple small curls at the base of his neck. He’s long overdue for a hair cut. Wilson runs his fingers through it and revels in the sensation of his chest against House’s. 

He wonders what it would be like if they were at House’s apartment and not surrounded by the staff of the hospital walking by. He thinks about what this would feel like without the layers of clothes between them. He imagines what House would sound like if they weren’t standing here at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital staring each other down- if they were in House’s queen-sized bed, mouths on each other’s, hands roaming bodies and sweat staining House’s dark blue bed sheets.

“Tell me you don’t love me, or that I’m ugly, or that I have too much baggage. Tell me something- anything- about me that’s so bad that you don’t want this,” Wilson commands. “Tell me that I’ve put on too much weight since my second divorce, that my savior-complex is annoying, that I’m a serial cheater, that I always put your empty cereal boxes back in the pantry after I finish off the bag, anything. Please.”

“It’s not-” House starts with a quizzical expression, only for Wilson to quickly interject.

“Not about you or your fears. Give me a good, valid reason you don’t want me, and I’ll stop. I’ll leave, we can go back to being normal friends- hell, you can choose not to talk to me ever again- and that’ll be the end of it. But I’m not going to walk away knowing that you want me just as much as I want you. I can’t do that to us, House.”

“I…”

House looks anywhere but at Wilson now; the clock on the wall, the cane in his hand, the floor, Wilson’s stupid pink tie. He can’t do it and they both know that. Wilson isn’t surprised. What he is surprised by is how House kisses his forehead so tenderly. Wilson almost doesn’t believe it’s him doing it… and then it’s his nose, and his cheek, and finally, House is kissing him on the lips, slow and sweet.

Wilson hesitantly kisses back. It doesn’t seem real, but it is. It must be real if the large hand squeezing his waist and the stubble brushing against his chin are anything to go off of. He pulls away just enough to whisper against House’s lips.

“We’re at work. Shouldn’t you stop now?”

“Yes,” House breathes, even as he goes in for another kiss, and then another, as if he’ll die without; as if he’s drowning and Wilson is his only source of air. Wilson accepts it, craves it, allows himself to be taken in and kissed until he’s out of breath and his lips are bruised. It quickly escalates into something that he knows he’d get fired for at any other hospital. Briefly, he worries about people walking past and seeing this through the glass door of House’s office until he realizes that he wants them to see. He wants them to see that no, his devotion to House isn’t meaningless- that their relationship does mean something, that House can and will feel love for the right person, and that Wilson is the only one worthy of said love. “I should.”

“But you’re not going to?” Wilson laughs.

“No, I’m not,” House says and dips for another peck between sentences. “Fuck, I don’t think I could stop this even if I wanted to.”

“Then shut the blinds, lock your office door, and bend over the desk.”

~

A couple more weeks pass. Some days, they sleep together. Some days, they don’t. Regardless, things are the same as they always have been minus the sex.

Wilson should be disappointed. He wanted House to open up and he wanted them to connect, to have a real relationship. But right now…

Well, he can’t bring himself to be disappointed when they’re like this, having just finished. 

He’d seen House naked many times before; it’s hard not to when you’re friends with someone for so long. He can’t even count the number of times he’s accidentally walked in on House jerking off or pinned to his couch by some random hooker. He can count the number of times the pain has been so bad that House has needed help with things as basic as getting dressed or getting in and out of the shower. It was never like this, though, with House underneath him, back arching off his bed. The older man’s icy blue eyes are shut with his lashes fluttering against his cheeks. He’s flushed dark pink from his head to the center of his narrow chest, which rapidly rises and falls with every labored breath he takes.

The mattress they’re on is an old, creaky piece of shit that creaks when Wilson carefully rests his weight on top of House. They’re covered in sweat and cum and god knows what else.

“Look at me,” Wilson pleads. House does just that, forcing his eyes open enough to meet Wilson’s. His pupils are blown wide and though it’s clear he’s drowning in their shared pleasure, Wilson can’t read much else. Is House just as enraptured by Wilson as Wilson is by him? Is House hoping he’ll stay after they clean up? “You’re beautiful… So beautiful.”

“And you’re cringeworthy. We’re in my bed, not The Notebook,” House references with a half-hearted roll of his eyes and a playful smack of one hand against Wilson’s shoulder. “So shut up and get off of me.”

Wilson does as told and rolls off of House, onto the bed. He’s learned where House keeps everything so that House can just lie there and let Wilson clean the both of them up on nights like this. They never have sex at Wilson’s as Wilson is living in a hotel following the divorce and has yet to settle into a new place of his own. 

He settles on his side next to House with his head on one of the pillows. There used to be one, but Wilson noticed after the first night he came over to do this, House bought another. Still, he hasn’t asked Wilson to stay the night. Wilson wonders if House even wants him to. Then again, there’s a lot of things he wonders about House. 

Wilson stares at House, who is still on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He already has his boxers back on which makes Wilson self conscious enough to grab his from the floor and put them on as well. 

Wilson wishes he knew what was running through the man’s mind right now. He’s quiet, contemplative, and serious in a way that’s out of character for him. Usually it’s awkward enough that Wilson leaves, and they pretend this never happened (until the next time it happens), but Wilson is growing weary of this cycle they’ve created over the last few weeks. Instead of quickly dressing himself and leaving, he gets back into the bed and pulls one of House’s large blankets over the two of them. House’s eyes widen. His gaze flickers to Wilson; questioning, cautious.

“There’s more I wish I knew about you,” Wilson softly murmurs. “More I wish you’d tell me. Things I’d ask about if I thought I could actually get an honest answer out of you.”

House furrows his brow.

“Like what?”

“Will you answer me honestly?”

“Depends on what you wanna know,” House answers.

Slowly, as if approaching a wild animal, Wilson worms his way between one of House’s arms and his body so he can rest his head on the man’s chest. House tenses at first before relaxing his muscles and wrapping his arm around Wilson’s body to return the affection.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this… A few months ago, you lied to me about that transplant patient- Carly Forlano- you lied to all of us.”

“Who was that again?” House questions. 

Wilson doesn’t know if he’s serious or not.

“That business woman who came in with a ton of problems and ended up in congestive heart failure despite being perfectly healthy. You lied-”

“I like to call it ‘spinning the truth’.”

“So? What was wrong with the patient that met the exclusion criteria for the transplant list anyway? We both know that Chase figured it out and ratted to Vogler and Cuddy during her surgery.”

“She was taking Ipepac,” House says after a long pause, to which Wilson blinks up at him with confusion written on his face.

“You mean she took it once? There’s no way one use would cause that kind of damage to someone so young unless-”

“She said ‘maybe three times a week’. She was bulimic- or, is bulimic- who knows,” House shrugs as much as he can do so considering that Wilson’s weight is on top of him. Still, the expression on his face is unreadable. Wilson remains baffled; why would he lie for her? Why would he take the chance with his medical license by lying like that? Did he have some sort of personal connection with her, or was it just for the sake of solving one of his cases? Just to prove to himself that he was right? “But when bulimics give you a number for the amount they’re purging, it’s usually much more than what they’re actually willing to admit out loud, so I’d bank on it being at least once a day.”

“She’s a smart woman; smart enough to know the kind of damage that could do to her heart, and she did it anyway,” Wilson huffs. He knows everyone copes with stress differently, but he also remembers being very frustrated with that patient while she was in their care. She would use her cell phone during important texting and prioritize her many business calls over her health. Worst of all, she tried to rush herself out of the hospital to get back to work, assuming nothing was seriously wrong and that it was just a random one time health scare at first. If not for the staff’s insistence that she stay, she would’ve died from heart failure. “So why the hell would you grant her the transplant? Better yet, why would you lie to everyone to get her that transplant and risk your job- your medical license? You said you thought you were doing what’s right when we talked about it the first time.”

“I did, because that’s what I thought, and I still think that.”

“Why?”

“Would you believe me if I said I saw a bit of you in that patient?”

At that, Wilson gets off of House and sits up in the bed to stare down at the man, whose expression is unreadable as ever. 

“House, I’m not-”

“I know you’re not bulimic, but you’re great at making the worst possible choices for yourself at every turn and ruining your otherwise very accomplished life. That’s another form of self-harm in itself,” House says, sitting up as well. Wilson doesn’t miss the wince that momentarily takes over the other man’s face as he grabs his leg in pain from performing the motion. “Going into oncology even though it makes you miserable, jumping into three marriages that you knew weren’t going to work out, beating up that guy over a Billy Joel song at a bar during an important medical conference, allowing me to befriend you-”

“-you bailed me out of jail, what was I-”

“Staying as my friend even after the conference, allowing me to seep into your personal life and ruin aspect of it, and better yet, your professional life, too!”

“I still have a job and a good reputation, so-”

“Sure, because you got lucky with Cuddy pulling the plug on Vogler, which you had no way of knowing she would do. If that hadn’t happened, your little gesture of voting to keep me on staff even though you knew you’d get canned too still would’ve played out the way it was supposed to. You would’ve been fucked.”

“And what you’re saying is?” Wilson sighs. 

“Everyone else in my life; they’re sane enough to not want to deal with me the way I am but crazy enough to try and fix me. You, on the other hand, are sane enough to know I can’t be fixed but crazy enough to stay with me anyway. Even though you’ve made the mistake of getting to know me, you’re still here,” Silence. Wilson isn’t sure what to say, so he tentatively reaches out. House holds his hand and intertwines their fingers with a bittersweet smile. “Nothing to say?”

“Well… What’s so bad about knowing you?”

“Being known is simultaneously one of the best and worst things that could happen to someone. When it works out, it’s great, and when it doesn’t work out, it’s not… And let’s not pretend I’m not a huge asshole. It’s a miracle you’re still friends with me after all these years.”

“That’s all it is?” Wilson asks, to which House nods. “I don’t get it, then. We’ve been friends for a long time, House, you know I can take whatever you can dish out… Unless… Are you afraid I’m going to leave?”

“We could be naive enough to sit here and assume that things are always going to be this way; that we’ll always catch each other when we fall, but people fall out of love. People turn their backs, and they let each other fall. People grow and change and before you know it, your best friend becomes a stranger, and you don’t know them like you thought you did,” House drops Wilson’s hand and turns around to toss both of his legs over the side of the bed. Again, he winces from the pain caused by his infarction. It looks like he wants to stand to leave the room for something but can’t gather the strength to do so. “We’ve both had it happen to us before, and you know it’s real. You’ve been through three marriages and I’ve ran through plenty of relationships in the last few decades. You’re just making the worst possible decision for yourself yet again by throwing yourself into the pits with me.”

“But that’s my decision to make. Whether or not we do anything about our feelings doesn’t change them. There’s no stopping this, at least not for me,” Wilson insists and rushes to stand up so he can go around the side of the bed and offer his hands.

House refuses to take them, refuses to accept the help. The older man fumbles around until he manages to retrieve his cane from where he abandoned it on the floor earlier. Instead of using Wilson as leverage, he uses his cane and stands from the bed to walk towards the door of the bedroom. Wilson follows him into the kitchen in wait of a response.

“You’re not scared at all?”

“Of course I’m scared! I’m terrified. I’ve seen our track records with relationships, but… If it means that I get to be with you, I can be scared and still put my best foot forward, to try and make this work. I’m in love with you, Greg House.”

House walks towards the fridge without a word. Again, Wilson follows in wait of a response, this time wrapping his arms around House’s waist and resting his chin on the man’s shoulder from behind.

“You’re persistent.”

“So? You’re going to give me a heart attack if you keep making me wait on you. Seriously, it’s been over a decade of this nonsense with two weeks of confusing sex stacked on top of it,” Wilson scolds. House just looks back at him as if he’s not sure this is real. “So? What do you say?” “I say… I’m in love with you too, James Wilson,” House chuckles, reaches into the fridge, and grabs a beer for each of them with a large grin. “Good luck.”

[irenespring]

House MD Drag Race Simulation Week 5: The Snatch Game!

Why did my screenshot not capture the name of maxi challenge on the day of the most iconic maxi challenge? For the uninitiated reading this, the Snatch Game is an impersonation contest in the format of the game show The Match Game.

Because the simulator randomly assigns Snatch Game characters to each contestant, I didn't screenshot them, as many were extremely dicey (black celebrity impersonations assigned to white contestants, for example). The Snatch Game is where my computer reset and lost progress, and the first time it did assign House to do Gypsy Rose Blanchard which is just messed up and tactless enough that I think it does actually fit what he would do. So we can keep that one.

Here are my (likely terrible) ideas for the others (tell me your ideas in tags/replies!):

Masters: Elizabeth Blackwell (the first female doctor given a medical license in the United States). It flopped because she memorized a handful of jokes about feminism and couldn't figure out where to take it from there. Once it became clear she was losing she couldn't recover. At one point she couldn't even write a response to Ru's question.

Wilson: Taylor Swift. Thought he could translate House's myriad of jokes about Wilson's and Taylor's dramatic breakups into an impression that would be hip with the youths. Was very, very wrong. So wrong it will go down in Drag Race herstory as an iconic mandatory-watching performance.

Cuddy: Barbara Streisand. Not an inspired pick but she did okay. Mostly was kept out of boring territory for giving Wilson acting notes during the challenge.

Chase: Courtney Act (Australian Drag Race competitor from season 6). His impersonation was spot on but it's understood to be a mistake to do past Drag Race competitors and he ran out of mannerisms to make a joke out of. He's lucky Masters and Wilson flopped so hard.

Thirteen: Taylor Swift. Once she saw Wilson was doing Taylor, and heard his impression, she switched to Taylor because she knew she could do a better one-- which would at least put her into safe territory. A vicious strategic move that will be remembered and studied. Her Taylor Swift was secretly enacting a master plan to win the United States Presidency and take over the world. She brought a prop of a binder to show a fake agreement between her and the CIA to use mass-market music for mind control. She pointed to Wilson's Taylor and said that they switched to that plan because the cloning experiment was an abject failure, just look at how off her clone was.

Foreman: Marjorie Taylor Greene. He knew everyone expected him to be monotone and wanted to show the judges "flexibility." His completely batshit insane acting impressed everyone. In the werk room he said he would just be imitating House.

House: His Gypsy Rose Blanchard was dark, line-crossing, and borderline in very bad taste. It resulted in So Much Twitter Discourse. This was the episode where the producers made him talk about his parents. In context, some of his darker jokes were excused. Seeing how Ru accepted Trixie Mattel's audition tape to be on the show even though her proposed Snatch Game character was Anne Frank, the bad taste argument still wouldn't have stopped him from winning.

Additional commentary:

House has been studying Drag Race after losing the first quiz challenge to Masters. It paid off, and he was even more of an asshole about it than usual to cover for Feelings around the whole "produces making him do the backstory reveal" thing.

Wilson's Taylor Swift was so bad even House tried to gently talk him out of it. House and Thirteen's alliance was threatened by him subconsciously being displeased that she was making a strategic move against Wilson. They survived because in the end he was proud of her for her evil.

Untucked is wild this episode. "Shadying" is not a word. What exactly are Wilson and Thirteen planning on doing to Cuddy?

Wilson tried to make one of his Serious Psychology Arguments about House only going after Foreman's makeup skills because Foreman's comment about acting like him to be Marjorie Taylor Greene hurt his feelings. House responded by saying that in regards to Foreman's mockery, he was going to shake it off and singing the chorus of the song off-key.

All the judges thought Masters had actually walked off out of humiliation, which hinted to them that maybe they did need to send her home.

Wilson and Cuddy are no longer friends because he thinks she sabotaged him by going after him during the Snatch Game.

[duck-in-a-spaceship]

say it back - Chapter 2

In which House humiliates Wilson. All in good fun, of course!

Summary: What if when House tells Wilson he loves him, Wilson says it back?

Well, naturally they turn to humor until “I love you��, “I love you too” becomes the most convoluted, gayest inside joke ever. And then of course they realize they mean it.

Word Count: 1408

Warnings: None

<<Previous - Next>>

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Chapter 2: dat ass

Wilson is hiding from Cuddy.

Well, officially he’s hiding from Cuddy. That’s his grand cover story, at least, that Cuddy has been trying to hunt him down to talk about a patient that died, and he doesn’t want to talk about the patient that died and… honestly it didn’t matter too much. House heard that he was inconveniencing Cuddy, and that was about all that mattered.

What Wilson is actually doing is babysitting.

He’s claimed the tiny desk at the front of the room, tossing a handful of files on its top so he can at least look busy, in between stealing glances at House and getting lost in his own thoughts. The collection of the candidates in the room, a species growing increasingly endangered as House picks them off one-by-one, is occasionally stealing glances at him, as well, but Wilson pretends not to notice. It had been awkward enough when he decided to barge into the room unannounced and gave his half-assed excuse to House. All eyes had been on him, as he scraped one of the dingy, yellowed chairs (Wilson’s not entirely convinced they came in that color, that it’s not just evidence of too many years of too many med students) across the wooden floors to place it behind the desk.

Now, Wilson’s decided he’s content with ignoring them all, and hoping they’ll return the favor. Not a single one of them is, so he settles on ignoring them all and just pretending to do work.

There’s a file in Wilson’s lap that he’s somewhat examining, paperwork that he’s occasionally writing things down on, but really his attention is focused on House. His best friend. The one who recently tried to kill himself.

Sorry, tried to nearly kill himself, as House had so kindly pointed out. Wilson’s not sure he understands how that’s not much better. He certainly struggled to see how it made much of a difference when he got the call that his friend had stuck a knife in a socket. The distinction didn't make a dent in his worry as he interrogated Amber, panicky and frantic, desperate to understand what happened. Wilson could only take so many frustrated ‘I don’t know’s’ before he waved her away, resigning himself to watching, waiting, staring at the burn on House’s palm and the tubes trailing along his skin. Wondering if-

A cane thuds against the top of Wilson’s head. “Ow! What the hell-?”

“You were staring.” House has perched himself on the side of the desk Wilson has claimed, looking at Wilson over his shoulder.

“Well you’re giving a lesson, it would be rude of me not to pay attention.” The cane has been abandoned on the desk, its purpose fulfilled, so Wilson picks it up, using it to gesture to the ever-shrinking crowd. “Why don’t you accuse them of staring?”

“Because they’re supposed to be staring at me. I recruited them all here just so they could stare at me.”

Someone- Kutner, Wilson thinks- raises his hand. “I thought we were here to learn medicine.”

“Oh, no.” House briefly turns back to his students, grinning like a kid on Christmas. “That’s just a fun little lie I made up for Cuddy so she would stop pestering me about all the people I fired.”

That earns House a couple of eye rolls, and Wilson silently decides that those are the people he should hire, on the spot. Kutner slowly lowers his hand.

“Just like you-” House continues, turning back to Wilson. “-are lying to me about Cuddy.”

Goddamnit, he knew he should have come up with a better cover story. Not like it would have mattered, not to House, the man who sniffed out lies like a bloodhound. The man who could’ve made it rich if they just invented a Wilson-themed Jeopardy. “What? Why would I be lying to you? You- you hide from Cuddy all the time,” Wilson splutters out half the lie, but he still sits back with an air of self-satisfaction when he’s done, crossing his arms.

“Sure, I do. But for once, this isn’t about me.” House sticks out his arm, making a big show of shifting up his sleeve and checking his watch. “ You , on the other hand, have been in here for thirty whole minutes, which is more than enough time for Cuddy to think to check where I am to find you.” The cane, which Wilson still has loosely gripped in his hand, is suddenly snatched away. “Which means you’re a big, fat liar.” House swipes at Wilson again, and he has to throw up his hands in defense, swatting the assault away. It only half-works, which seems to be the theme for the day, doing everything in halves. They each end up with half the cane in hand, right before Wilson relents and lets go.

“You’re a child . Cuddy probably just… has better things to do than chase after me.” An outstretched file points towards the candidates, who are all in various stages of listening from secretly eavesdropping to gawking at Wilson and House like they’re an exhibit in the zoo. “Do your job, House.”

“Fine, fine.” House pushes away from the desk, taking a couple steps back towards the students and their slow differential. Wilson sighs, bracing his thumb against his temple while he rubs his fingers against his forehead.

He’s been sufficiently called out, which means House’s mind is surely running with possibilities, investigating every corner of the puzzle that is Wilson’s true purpose for hanging in on his differential. Later, Wilson imagines he’ll be cornered in his own office, confronted with whatever theory House has landed on.

It’ll probably be worryingly close to the truth, but just missing the mark. He’s not sure House will remember to factor in the idea that Wilson, as his friend, actually cares about him.

House turns around, not even two full steps away. Goddamnit. “Oh but first, admit that I was right about Cuddy.”

Wilson throws his hands into the air in defeat. “You’re ridiculous.” He shuffles his stack of half-finished work into a pile, collecting it in the center of the desk as he stands. “I’m leaving. Have fun with ghost girl or whatever your case is.” Wilson addresses the group of candidates more than House himself, waving to them all as he heads for the door.

He makes it three and a half steps. Hardly around the desk, in fact.

“I love you!”

That dick.

Steps, echoing throughout the suddenly dead silent room, come to an awkward stop, cut half a stride short. Wilson half turns to look at House, who has, to his credit, stopped him at the perfect time. Their shoes nearly touch, mere inches away. Just behind House’s head, he can see the faces of each member of his audience, ranging from amused to shocked to mildly horrified. It’s like they’re all watching the circus, and the performance has gone horribly wrong.

That fucking dick .

Wilson forces a smile, because what the hell else is he going to do? Let House win? Give him the satisfaction of surrender?

“I love you too.”

The stunned silence turns to the hiss of exchanged whispers. House narrows his eyes slightly, and Wilson can see it, can pinpoint the exact moment he’s walked into the ring and agreed to play the game. At the very least, he’s pretty sure he’s just won his first point.

One more step, before House smacks him on the ass.

His steps, echoing in the vacuum of silence left by the sudden loss of whispering gossip, falter. Shoes squeak against the dingy floors, pausing before Wilson can make himself start walking again. The doors are ten feet away, he just needs to make it that far, before anyone can notice the abhorrent shade of red infringing on his face. The urge to throw one of the files haphazardly stacked in his arms in front of his face is strong , but the stream of ‘Don’t back down, don’t back down’ churning through his head still manages to drown it out.

Wilson practically crashes into the metal bar to push the doors open, turning around to preserve the files in his arms.

It gives him a perfect view of the finger-heart being held into the air, pointed right towards him. Wilson sighs in time with the air whooshing out of the way as the door slams shut right in his face.

…point to House.