#or maybe it's just the internet reception making me feel that way

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

i'm liking more of the latest t. swift the more i listen to it; i think my main problem is i'm like, "i don't WANT to associate this with the complex and agonized web of her love life! i just want to associate the songs with various fictional characters like always!" but it feels like this album aggressively wants you to associate it with the boyfriends and esp. that one dude??? idk?????

[bridgetoesoteria]

💌💟Realistically...What would they write in a love letter to you?

Surpriseee bish! Here is my double post as puh-romised. Its spring break, I aced my midterm, I had a nice lil chit chat with my crush where I high key let on to having feelings . *ahem* Now I wanna smoke and pull cards with my internet besties <3

So, I don't like those mushy-gushy readings that tell you the most ideal outcome, not the most realistic outcome. I am hoping to channel an authentic "letter," from the person you are here for.

Options are left to right. I hope it resonates 🥰

Pile 1

4-card spread: Page of Swords, Girl w/ Violin, Strength, The Sun. BOTD: 3 of Swords

I just want to see you happy. I hope you know that. I miss the feeling of you holding me. I think about all the times, I got to hold your hands in mine. I think you are amazing and angelic. If I ever seem difficult, or like I am pushing you away, its just because I don't want to hurt you even worse. You're the whole package. You can shine with or without me.

If there is still bad blood, I will make it right. At least that's what I think about doing. All the time. Can I step up? Can I really have my happy ending; The car, the house, the family, building a life together. I need to get over my cold feet, because the only person I see is you.

P.S.

I love your eyes. I love how much hope I feel when I look into them. I love your hair, especially the length/thickness. I love how balanced you are, and how you can consider different points of view. It has taught me to be more compassionate. It has taught me to care about someone other than myself. You show me that I can get over my demons. We could be a power couple.

(If you have a "butt chin," your person loves this too lol)

Pile 2

4-card spread: 8 of Swords, 9 of Swords(R), 9 of Wands, The Star. BOTD: The Emperor

This person is definitely very attracted to you, but we are here for a love letter, mkay? Not a sext.

I don't know why you are acting like you don't want me anymore. You better not be giving away my ____ to anyone else. I want to be with you. I consider us to be a couple, no matter what happens. If you question where my head is at, my loyalty is with you. I don't want to see you with anyone else. I hate thinking about you being out there, living like you're single. I think about us having kids, animals, a family life. (If you already have kids they want to keep the family together).

I am working on my temptations. I know I need to be more responsible and I am willing to do that. I want to try having self-control. If that means cutting other people off, or waiting until you are comfortable being physical, I will do that. I respect your boundaries. You have every right to have them. I know you are just trying to love yourself. You should always stand your ground...even with me.

P.S.

You have a beautiful heart. You are so nurturing. You keep everything flowing. You completely fulfill me. You are more than enough. You definitely know what you are doing. I wouldn't have taken you for a "lady in the streets, freak in the sheets" type.

Right now, you probably are focusing on yourself. I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for. After pouring into everyone else so much, I hope you will start pouring into you now. I hope you will be receptive to all the good things you deserve.

Pile 3

4-card spread: Ace of Pentacles, 6 of Swords, Page of Cups, The Empress. BOTD: Justice

I can't figure you out. And its...amazing! It keeps everything so fresh. Maybe you don't feel like you are being mysterious but you are. I want to know what goes on "behind-the scene." I don't mean that in a pervy way. I mean, I want to know who you are, where you come from, what is currently going on in your life. I want to make the cut. Do you ever think about what your favorite diamond cut is? 💎

(Where ever your connection is, move up a step. This is not a literal proposal for everyone)

I want us to be on track. If I have to apologize, I will do that. I want to finally start something new. I want to make you feel like the king/queen that you are. I want us to be happy together. Especially if we are expecting 🤰

P.S.

Can I just brag on you really quick? I love your face shape. I love when we lock eyes. I love how you style your hair, even if I have never said so aloud. Even if I tease you about it sometimes. Its cute and so you. Everyone says we (would) go well together, and I have to agree. We could be our town's MGK and Megan Fox 🤣🤣

On a more serious point, you make me want to do better. Internally, I always feel challenged by you. I have my old beliefs, and then there's you. You make me want to throw out all the BS I believe about myself and start valuing myself more. I see how magical life can be, because I see how many miracles happen when we are together. I know I can do better.

Pile 4 4-card spread: 8 of Wands, 10 of Wands, The Emperor, 8 of Swords. BOTD: Ace of Swords.

(Your person could actually be the type to spill their feelings over texts or in the notes section of their phone)

I think about saying this all the time. I build up the courage to start typing, but I can never hit send. I just feel this lump in my throat. I'm a man! (or they are just someone who suppresses their emotions). I shouldn't have all these feelings. I feel overwhelmed by my attraction, my thoughts, my unexpressed feelings.

That's kind of what I grew up with. It was normal. People call it "traditional." I always thought (one of their parents, but I am really getting mom) could do better. Why are you still with them? I don't want that to be you. I don't want that to be our story. You always carry yourself well. I'm proud to be with you. I know you're a catch. I know you are the full package. I can't let you go. Please reconsider. I want to be with you.

P.S.

I hope you're getting rest. Don't lose sleep over me. Which is hypocritical, because I stay up thinking about you. Don't be scared...but I may have watched you sleep. I like how peaceful you look. I feel like I have privacy to fully process my emotions. I look at your face and I think about all the possibilities. It makes me nervous. If I have made a proposal of some kind, maybe to reconcile, I hope you sleep on it before you make a decision.

Pile 5 4-card spread: King of Cups, 4 of Swords, 9 of Wands, The Sun. BOTD: 8 of Swords

I think a lot of you are asking about a feminine energy, but flip the roles if needed. You could be the feminine energy being described, so maybe they want you to know you are "seen". It just started raining, so that makes me feel like this person is definitely more on the feminine side, or in touch with their emotions. You could both be young, or they're younger, or someone has a baby face.

I think about you all the time. Even when I am sad. I don't know if you know how much I struggle. My mental health isn't always in the best place. But you take my mind off of everything. I love when you look deep in thought. I come up with all these random ideas about what you could be thinking of. If you are away getting better, overcoming an ED, I hope you are being strong. I look forward to seeing you again.

You make me so happy. I miss being playful and messing with you. I could see us having babies. I think I would be a great mom/dad. But I know that's daydreaming and wishful thinking. I don't always understand your moods or what you want from me. Could you make it clear without it becoming an argument. I don't want to make you upset.

P.S.

You are soo pretty. I think your haircut really compliments your face. I love your side profile too. You are so smart. You know so much about the world around you or you are always willing to learn. I am impressed by your writing and/or creativity. I love everything about you. If I were an artist, I would make a portrait of you. You would be my muse. I just want you to know how special you are. You are 1 of 1 forreal. I am so grateful to have ever met you. You bring so much joy to my life.

Whew. GD! That was a lot lol. This took me two days. I am going to relax and enjoy the start of Spring Break. Whoop whoop 🙌

And don't laugh at me...but I just discovered archives so I might stop updating my masterlist, since you can find all my readings there too.

Lastly, I am also doing personals if you have not heard! Take a gander.

~ K

[bogkeep]

it was always a strange dichotomy. every middle school classmate i had told me i'd be a millionaire when i grew up, a Famouse Artisté. it's easy enough to imagine as a teen, i suppose: skill equals fame equals money. i was doubtful about this prophecy, not because i wasn't confident in my ability to draw, but because it was hard to imagine a world where i'd be paid for it.

it was an ice breaker game at summer camp. horrible one, really - everyone in a group were given a character profile. now we had to imagine that it was the zombie apocalypse, and the helicopter to safety was two seats short and we had argue why we deserved a spot. the character i got was an asshole doctor of some kind. i don't remember if i argued my way into the helicopter or not, but i do remember the feeling that's been hanging over me my entire life - if the apocalypse happens right now, i have nothing to contribute.

there's something really painful about it. i have cultivated a skill for my whole life, i can make art and tell stories that are entirely unique to me, there is no way to get someone else to create in the exact same way i can, and yet - i've contributed more to capitalist society by sitting in an empty hotel reception for eight hours a day.

which made me develop anxiety, to boot.

i illustrated two children's books. they're some of my best work. the contract i signed was industry standard and the indie author who had hired me was incredibly kind... but even after stock sold out i had earnt little more than some pocket change.

in high school we had an outing to dig our own snow caves that we would spend the night in. in teams, thankfully. i have so little physical strength to speak of, most i could do to help was clear away the snow rubble and toss it outside. i know, i know, my classmates reassured me it was an important job to do, i was an invaluable member of the group, sure - but it's that feeling, you know?

what would my task be in the communist solarpunk commune?

a person cannot be useless. it's a human being. they just exist, no ifs and buts about it. one can only be useless in the eyes of an ableist, capitalist society that sees no value in being alive beyond production and profit.

sometimes i receive messages from internet strangers to tell me something i said - often several years ago - was helpful to them. maybe it was a throwaway comment on a forum. maybe it was replying to a question they could've googled the answer to. maybe it was an encouraging reply to someone's artwork. turns out it mattered to someone. huh.

of course you can learn new skills. i have learnt plenty over the years! i have also learnt that there are limitations to what i can do. that some of the obstacles i face are not in fact obstacles everyone faces. it's not that i can't break tasks into smaller steps, it's more that half of those steps are going to be "rinse your hands because you Touched a Thing and now you're going to have to touch Another Thing." i wonder if that's adding to my cognitive load or something.

i was never raised to be a man, so by all accounts i do not understand why i'm so haunted by the spectre of toxic masculinity - what would i do if i was a medieval peasant and a war broke out? what if i was in a pre-historic hunter gatherer society and i was expected to hunt? what if i was a humble farm boy discovering the sword of the chosen one and the world depended on my non-existing courage to face certain death?

look, it's stupid. these are not scenarios i will find myself in. besides, pre-historic humans depended on community and taking care of each other. that's how we survive.

i'm not useless and i decided to make peace with being useless anyway.

we're surrounded by digital clocks. we can't really escape them. do we need watchmakers? would they save me a spot in the zombie apocalypse helicopter? no, don't answer that. i'm just happy i found something that requires a light touch and an observant eye.

[foxes-that-run]

Paper rings

Paper Rings is about love over wealth and luxury. Paper rings are simple and unglamorous, but also can be fragile. Paper being temporary and disposable. The song mixes good and bad to say that Taylor choses an imperfect life with this person. Taylor described it as not having modern influences when it does and being punk, a word that fits this song better than reputation but Taylor used in Time. It's was hinted at on Reputation which makes me wonder if it was a Reputation vault track. It copies the sound of Hilary Duff's 2015 Breathe In Breath Out which Taylor mentioned on Tumblr:

Paper Rings was hinted at in the Me! Lyric Video with a Paper Ring with two polaroids (it mentions photo frames) and has a Spotify Story:

"I wrote "Paper Rings' with this idea of throwback sounds. We didn't want to use any sounds that were very modern on this song. This song talks about true love, and if you really find true love, you probably don't really care what the symbolism of that love is. Material things wouldn't matter to you anymore if you found someone that you just wanted to live your life with. "

In the iHeartRadio Secret Session (Audio in the video above) Taylor said:

[...]"imagining that I was a wedding band at a reception, playing the love songs that the bride and groom wanted to hear in, like, 1978 or something. It's called 'Paper Rings.' The whole song is just basically reminiscing on fun memories. [...] there's some fun, kind of, punk, like inspired by punk girl groups and the way they used to sing, shouting them in a really unapologetic way. [...]

A 1978 Wedding Band is a very specific reference. So thinking of songs from 1978... This wedding blog lists a few like Just What I Needed – The Cars, released in 1978 and one (H tweet) and was also in The Wedding Singer. Blondie is a clear reference for the Lover aesthetic and the song. Blondie released One Way or Another in 1978. (Before the 1D cover). The Ramones Blitzkrieg Bop is an earlier influence for it.

...also did she say Punk? as in the 2023 Time Magazine:

When was it written

Like all of Lover it is copyright 2019 for its release. It was Easter egged in the Call It What You Want Lyric video on 2 November 2016 and in the Reputation magazine hinting pretty strongly that it was at least partly written with Reputation.

It was recorded at Conway, LA, & Metropolis in London. London Boy was also recorded in both. Taylor didn’t record reputation at Metropolis but KOMH and a few lover songs were at Conway.

Live performances

Paper Rings was a surprise song in Minneapolis on 23 June, 2023, the other surprise song was If this was a movie. Taylor also performed it as a mash up with Stay Stay Stay on 21 July, 2024. It was not played the few Lover promo shows.

Rings

The Spotify Visual features a huge ring, pearls and beehive. When talking about the song Taylor talked about not caring about a ring if you truly loved someone, and the lyrics 'I like shiny things, but I would marry you with paper rings'. So why this visual with a huge ring and perfect life? To me this is about giving those things up, which fits the 'unapologetic' punk feel. This idea is also in the LAWYMMD video. Maybe rejecting a proposal with a shiny ring for a more youthful love.

Lyrics

The moon is high Like your friends were the night that we first met Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet Now I've read all of the books beside your bed

In the iHeartRadio intro Taylor said the song was reminiscing on fun memories which these first verses are. These are the sections which match Breathe in Breathe out. which has lines that start with “I remember..” while Hilary was looking back on a lost love Taylor is reminiscing on a current love, it sounds both nostalgic and new.

Some fans do gymnastics to make them about a specific muse but they are very generic but I’ll add that Joe was not with friends at the Met Gala, he was with a costar that knew Taylor better.

The wine is cold Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street Cat and mouse for a month or two or three Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

This verse continues the reminiscing, I like the use of cold shoulder and street compared to the intimacy of watching someone breathe. Also this line reminds me of the Hilary Duff song title.

Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night (Oh) Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright Three times 'cause I've waited my whole life (One, two, one, two, three, four)

This verse is the most like a wedding band, and one Taylor mentioned when talking about the song that Jack does the count in. Taylor has not used ‘be alright’ very much:

22 - Everything will be alright, if you keep me next to you

Shake it off - Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

Call it what you want - They took the crown, but it's alright

The Archer - But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?

Death by a Thousand Cuts - I ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright

The 1 - And it's alright now

Fresh Out the Slammer - But it's gonna be alright, I did my time

I look through people's windows - Does it feel alright to not know me?

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want, and I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this

The refrain is where Taylor would chose a simple paper ring over a fancy ring or wedding. When talking about the song Taylor described this as the ring not mattering, but to me paper is more temporary, it’s not a wedding but a tentative commitment of sorts. Taylor also describes the relationship as non traditional with “this” an ill defined situationship.

Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams Oh, you're the one I want

The one I want implies again there is someone Taylor is choosing this person over, she’s forgoing something shiny for this relationship. Yet the theme of reminiscing implies this is not a new relationship. Darling is not used a lot.

Picture frames are also uncommon in Taylor’s work, only HYGTG, Run and this song have a framed picture to mean a relationship. The Me! Lyric video had 2 Polaroids with the paper ring, very 1989/reputation-esque, one of her holding a cat and one with friends.

How You Get The Girl: With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks

In the winter, in the icy outdoor pool When you jumped in first, I went in too I'm with you even if it makes me blue Which takes me back To the color that we painted your brother's wall

Taylor will follow this partner anywhere even when it’s not always easy or pleasant. More on the wall and icy pool below.

Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws We wouldn't be standing here so tall, so

In this verse their relationship has some history of "exes, fights, and flaws" they’ve overcome. Similar to “one I want” this is not a simple we met and went from friends to this, they have history.

Icy outdoor pool

I have a post on the icy pool. Which is something Harry has been known for (also in Hampstead Heath Pond) long before Joe did handy exposition for this. Taylor said on 2 June 2018 in Chicago ( Harry was in the City) "2 New Years Eve's ago I found myself in the midst of a very like incredible 3am moment where you think you are invincible and you end up like jumping in a pool in the winter and you feel super untouchable in that moment" Taylor Nation cut this part out.

The house Taylor rented in Hampstead in December 2016 has a pool and she included photos in the Rep Magazine. A post on that.

Blue Walls

I have a post on this blue wall line and that it is a metaphor for being emotionally isolated. She also referred to blue painted walls in:

Everything Has Changed - And all my walls stood tall, painted blue

The Lover photoshoot hints that it is metaphorical:

If you think these rep book photos are of Taylor actually painting a wall and not a photoshoot I have some ice to sell you.

I want to drive away with you I want your complications too I want your dreary Mondays Wrap your arms around me, baby boy

In the bridge Taylor tells how she wants good and bad, a similar idea to on New Years Day about wanting someone to clean up bottles after the party, or dreary Monday’s here. Again with complications, this is not a fresh relationship between 2 single people.

Drive is a Haylor theme also and this line reminds me of Style’s “let’s get out of the town” and finally taylor calls the muse “baby boy” .. perhaps she is singing about someone who’s ‘younger than her ex’s but acts like such a man, so.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

20k Words Masterlist

Act Naturally (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Phil has a quiet life studying film at university and some small dreams of being a director he’s mostly ignoring, but his whole life is turned upside down when his roommate signs him up for a game show and he meets the famously arrogant movie star Daniel Howell

all signs point to yes (ao3) - vvelna

Summary: After being fired from his job at a coffee shop in Gatwick Airport, Dan impulsively hops on a flight to Orlando, Florida, where he’s taken in by a family on holiday.

All We Seem to Do Is Talk About Sex (ao3) - truerequitedlove

Summary: In which Dan’s got a boyfriend and a tongue piercing, and Phil’s got a weed hookup and an anxiety disorder. In high school, they were labeled “bad influences on each other,” maybe that would never go away.

because we are fools (ao3) - queerofcups

He realizes it calmly at first, and then suddenly with more clarity. He’s in love with Phil. But he absolutely cannot be in love with Phil.

Breathe Fire Into My Heart (ao3) - Finally_Facing_Failure

Summary: Dan Howell lives in a world were dragons fly the skies, with riders on their backs. He has to train to become a rider, even though he doesn’t want to. The upside? A boy named Phil who trains beside him.

Chance (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: Phil Lester is a nobleman in the country of Bennia, and his family must put forward a suitor for the Princess’ hand in marriage later in the month. During his last night in Manchester, he encounters charismatic Dan Howell, resulting in them both taking a chance.

Devotion (ao3) - roryonice

Summary: Dan is a ballerina who’s practicing for an audition at Julliard, but he’s afraid of performing in front of other people. He meets Phil, who’s gathering photos for his art portfolio, and Phil helps Dan come out of his shell in an interesting way.

Do You Know How in Love With You I Am (Please Notice) (ao3) - phantasticworks

Summary: Dan works at a small paper company, but the brightside to this boring career is that his best friend Phil is just a few feet away at reception. The downside to this is that he’s hopelessly, irrevocably in love with said best friend. Oh, and Phil is engaged, too.

Feel Good Inc. - melancholymango

Summary: Dan is your local sexually ambiguous religious boy. Phil is your local bad boy that sleeps with anyone that’ll have him and sins as if second nature. Then there’s also the poor original character that gets caught between them and their ridiculous amount of sexual tension. Threesomes, eh?

from up here you can’t beat the view (just watch me now) (ao3) -  kishere, maybeformepersonally

Summary: It’s 2009 and Dan finds Phil on the internet when a well-meaning mate of his recommends him to a certain site she likes. Dan quickly becomes a fan: watching Phil’s videos religiously and interacting with him on his socials. And, soon enough, Phil starts noticing him. A familiar enough story on the surface but here’s the catch: Phil has never been involved with YouTube. Phil is a camboy.

I Choose You (ao3) - Phandiction

Summary: Phil’s parents have decided to adopt and Phil’s thrilled to finally have a brother. When he meets Dan they hit it off but little did he know his parents had decided to bring home a little girl instead. Phil spends the next nine years visiting Dan at the orphanage. One day Dan unexpectedly goes outside the lines of friendship and Phil isn’t sure if he’s ready for that.

i feel a kick down in my soul (ao3) - chickenfree

Summary: “I’m going to obliterate you,” he says, taking a few long steps towards Phil.

Phil runs. It takes him a minute to realize the ball is in the opposite direction.

I Found (ao3) - wildflowerhowell

Summary: Dan Howell and Phil Lester hate each other, and everyone at the Ida Gatley school of dance knows it. So what happens when the two are paired together to choreograph and perform a duet at England’s most renowned contemporary dance competition?

I’m A Stitch Away From Making It (And A Scar Away From Falling Apart) - waverlysangels

Summary: Dan Howell is ‘the next big thing’ and Phil Lester is not good for publicity, will the increasing fame create tensions that simply cannot be overcome?

i will follow where this takes me (ao3) - curiosityandrain

Summary: Dan has a great life, he has an amazing job as a photographer and he lives in New York. Phil is an independent filmmaker who hires Dan to be his cinematographer for his upcoming feature film after his usual cinematographer was involved in an accident. The two hit it off and become instant friends. Weeks of working together everyday helps develop their friendship and slowly but surely, Dan realises his feelings for Phil run deeper than just friendship. The only problem is, Phil’s taken.

knight of wands (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Some days are just boring.

(And some aren't.)

Love That Passes (Is Enough) (ao3) - nihilist_toothpaste

Summary: Phil is a sad divorcee who lives in a mansion. Dan starts as a nervous and weirdly loud law student hired to work part-time as Phil's poolboy-slash-housekeeper and turns into so much more.

Just go with me on this.

More at Eleven (ao3) - TwistedRocketPower

Summary: Phil Lester, the most beloved meteorologist at Southeast News, isn't sure of many things in his life. One thing he is sure of, however, is that he absolutely hates the new entertainment news anchor, Dan Howell.

No Angels (ao3) - ahsuga, danthrusts

Summary: Dan and Phil are detectives investigating the ongoing murders of citizens throughout London

Project Poliwag (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Phil hadn't intended for his garden to become a haven for rescued Pokémon, but it had happened accidentally. This particular rescue wasn't that different, even though he had never rescued 117 Pokémon at once before. But he couldn't leave the Pokémon eggs to be destroyed, and he was willing to raise a whole army of Poliwag on his own if he must.

What Phil hadn't counted on was a stranger with a lost look in his eye turning up on his doorstep and offering to help with the project.

Something So Strong (ao3) - Allthephils

Summary: Dan and Phil were the best of friends with some incredible benefits. Over a decade apart did nothing to weaken the bond between them but rekindling their friendship isn’t as simple as it should be.

The Parent Trap (ao3) - starsatellite

Summary: Alexandra Lester and Charlotte Howell are in for a big surprise at their summer camp when they realize they have the same face. After, literally, putting the pieces together they find out the big secret their parents hid from them when they were born. Now, all they want is to set them back up again - but these things aren’t always so easy.

(There’s Gotta Be) More To Life (ao3) - DisasterSoundtrack

Summary: Dan Howell finally gets a dog he dreamt of. Walking the dog every morning, he discovers many things about his neighbourhood, but, above all, one particularly attractive dad.

Unraveling - yuurisnice

Summary: Dan knew he was different from other children very early on. He never lost his ‘imaginary friends’, they only became a more integral part of his life. Living with his illness is never easy and with a secret as large as his, cracks are bound to appear. While he isn’t ashamed of his DID, he knows the consequences of telling the wrong people.

[soundwavefucker69]

weird thing happened on tiktok earlier. i came across a tiktok where one of those "autism moms" posted a video of her toddler daughter, hidden behind a kitchen island where we couldn't see her face, having a screaming meltdown.

she must have left her echo chamber of "autism mommies" because there were a fair amount of autistic adults telling her off. i need to make it clear: it is EXTREMELY common for autism moms to post their children having meltdowns to assure other autism moms that this is normal and "educate" people about the nature of autism.

i decided to chime in and specifically said "i am so glad i was not diagnosed as a child because of moms like you. you think she's gonna thank you in ten years for this?" seriously. i often think that maybe it's a good thing i was not diagnosed, and i was extremely to have been born when i was when the internet existed on a home computer and smartphones didn't come out until i was in middle/high school.

she actually replied to me and gave me a canned response about how her daughter, who looks like she's maybe three, idk, is grateful to be diagnosed and she's being raised to be her "best autistic self". i then reminded her that she's not responding to my initial post and she should not be posting her child's meltdowns online. she went silent for several hours, and by the time she got back to me, the audio was removed. she said she removed the audio and was sorry she upset me. i told her it wasn't about my feelings. i'm an adult. i can manage my own upsets. the point was about her child and how she will be humiliated in 10, 20 years because this is a big digital footprint and she isn't even using a nickname for her daughter, she's using her actual legal first name.

the mom actually replied with a real apology and said she's listening and learning.

i just liked the comment and disengaged, but it's kind of changed my perspective on autism moms. i think our culture has heavily normalized posting everything online to be judged by the masses. i myself am a victim of this, and when it gets to parenting, a lot of parents have blind spots. i figured she's now going to take baby steps to protect her children on the internet, bc she was actually receptive to learning.

personally, i do not believe that you should post your children on the internet in any shape or form. there's a parent i actually like on tiktok that only talks about their kids when they're doing their makeup or dying their hair. (drives me nuts that they use no gloves for vivid dyes, no brush, just rawdogging it with their hands, but hey, they're an adult, and if they want stained hands, that's their business). but i have never seen a single video or picture of their children.

but, ultimately, i genuinely think you should not post your children. for a couple of reasons. we learned with family youtubers and their comment sections that pedophiles actively search out child content and sometimes, when they feel particularly bold, engage with it beyond just watching. you never know if someone is jacking off to videos of your children. pedophiles are a minority on the internet, but they actively search out child focused content and get off to it. it's a little harder on tiktok if you stick to the fyp, not the following page, because it cycles through material you might find interesting. but, they can just stick to their following page.

another reason is about child autonomy. your digital footprint is incredibly fucking important in today's culture. you should have the choice to not have a digital footprint, or have it on your own terms, when you are old enough to manage. your parents should not be making that choice for you. they should be protecting you. ofc, i enjoy watching videos of gentle parenting, which is so incredibly important for people to start engaging in, but in the past six months, i have started making the active choice to not watch videos where you can see children's faces. there's ways of showing gentle parenting in a way that still protects you r child. you don't have to post your children. you can talk about issues your children had today, using nicknames, not their legal names, and how they walked through it with your help. you don't have to actively show them to do that.

but, in the case with this mom, i thought "okay. she took a pretty big step today to listen to autistic adults about protecting her child". she should have just deleted the video, but i'm not too pressed about it, because you can't actually see her daughter's face. so, i didn't press her on the issue. baby steps are important. people typically dig in their heels if you start outright attacking them, no matter what good points you make. and she was already under a lot of fire, so i figured whatever i said at that point would go in one ear and out the other.

i think, in general, we're getting better about raising our children. but, people still have the mindset that they're children. which is true, ofc, but i think we need to start coming at it from angle of "these are future adults, and we need to treat them the way we would treat them if they were adults, within reason". i fucking despise autism moms, but i don't fully think they need to be attacked and shamed for their choices, unless it's outright malicious abuse. they'll just double down. but we do need to figure out a better culture. a lot of these autism moms genuinely think they're acting in the best interests of their child, and yes, many of them are just raging ableists, but the majority just aren't putting enough thought to their decisions. they infantilize their children, but i think today was a little victory. she started to view her child as a future adult, not a helpless autistic child who will be completely unaware of everything around her. it's a little step. hopefully, this autism mom will speak to other autism moms, and they'll start realizing that posting their children's meltdowns on the internet, no matter the intent behind it, is not okay. prioritizing another autism mom's "reassurance" over your child's autonomy is not okay. it's just most autistic moms forget their child does have autonomy.

anyways. i just wanted to talk about that. it's not that i don't think autism moms don't deserve to be shamed. it's just that if they're humiliated en masse, odds are they will simply double down. and that doesn't actually help the autistic child they're raising. in general, if we come at people who are probably not acting maliciously, just stupidly, with compassion and sternness, they're going to realize just how fucking stupid they're being. so, i guess, the next time you see an autism mom acting a fool on the internet, recenter her attention on the child's well being. don't come for her personally. prioritize the child she's harming.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hi miss pmd9!

I was wondering what your insights are regarding the artmaking process and social media / the void of the internet.

Lately I've been feeling like all of my inspiration comes from tumblr, which is nice, because I create a true feed of things i really do find inspiring, but it feels like all it does though is feed into itself- i find my practice becomes extinguished when I think too hard about what I make and try to synthesize all my inspirations down into a lovely simmer.

All in all...

What do you do to keep your artistic practice healthy/strong? Is there any way that it relates to the internet/ goes away from the internet? And any advice for a healthy balance between a practice that is both informed by the internet but keeps a healthy distance?

sorry for text wall u_u

no need to apologize i love this Q 🙏 i totally understand, i love tumblr but i barely look at my dashboard anymore, out of the whole day i scroll maybe 10-20 minutes total lol, and its kinda forced cus cus i dont wanna fall out of touch w friends .. some insight on this -

dont get me wrong tumblr has brought me a lot of visual inspo over time but at this point in my life i am really obsessed w being in my own energy -w- And enforcing boundaries between my own thoughts/feelings + those of others. the more disconnected i am the more inspired i naturally feel

one of my biggest inspo is hilma af klint, and her methods of channeling, is how i try to draw now. i have found ways i can ~empty my vessel~ until visions start coming thru, which i believe r from my angel guides. thats actually a huge reason y im quitting weed lol i care a lot about being as receptive as possible. walking outside rly helps stuff come thru, as well as yoga, i get crazy ass vividness visuals during yoga !!

another thing thats a fun exercise is like, closing your eyes & watching the fractals on ur eyelids to see what apeears. i always loved doing this as a child! also stuff like, staring at the ceiling until forms appear, staring at tree bark or cracks in the cement. i have been doing this stuff my whole life but recently i heard this can be a method of channeling :o

also this is maybe an obvious one but listening to music while drawing can really help ignite a flow state, maybe a word in the lyrics will stand out to u and send ur mind on a visual path, reading does this for me too, language rly helps me generate pictures in abstract ways not directly related to what's being said/written

ultimately just practice going inwards & getting into flow state , watever method of getting there works for u, keep practicing ,it gets easier w time

But yeah the internet is really not part of my creative process at all anymore, other than to share my work. its just too overwhelming to my senses. i enjoy making art sm more now that ive distanced myself. thats just wat works for me ^-^

i hope this can help in some way <3 just keep going!! thanks for the good question it gave me much to reflect upon. Have a wonderful gemini new moon anon <3

[rubberhoze]

ive had thoughts abt this for a while now and i guess im finally voicing this but

for so many years before i had so many concepts and ideas and aus for like toon content (yknow me yknow this blog) but what i did ever end up posting was a very very small fraction of the ideas i did have. like i was very inspired in that time and i was always thinking of like neat concepts and ideas but because i was so afraid of backlash or people thinking im weird or """cringe""" or taking toon content too seriously i never ended up posting those ideas (and the stuff i did post was once again a very small fraction of all of it) and they ended up forgotten in the many many folders i have on my computer.

once in a while ill go through and look at my old art that ive saved over the years and ill think like.. damn!! this rules!! why didnt i ever share this!! and i guess in theory i Can still share those but because of both memory issues and also loss of interest i wouldnt really be able to tell you about all the neat little concepts i had in my head in that time, not the way i could have back then. and its just a shame yknow?

i really wish that back then i had the confidence to really express myself and my ideas through my art (i did do that back then and i also do now but i know i also had So much more back then that i never showed) and on that note i really wish that during that time on the internet people hadnt gotten so hostile to like.. genuinity and all that you know? sincerity? i feel like its gotten a little bit better since then (or maybe i just curate my stuff better lol) i do see many artists express themselves they really want to which is honestly different to the things i saw back in the mid-late 2010's. everyone was so full of irony back then (and theres still a lot of irony-poisoned people to this day BUT I DIGRESS) and im just so tired of that

id rather be genuine and sincere even if it means that ill be like cringe or embarassing or whatever. who cares!! sure peggle make phone calls who gives a shit anymore!! im tired of being afraid of the reception i will get if i post the content that i really truly feel something towards, even if its something like a silly au or whatever, if it makes me happy i should be able to post it to my own damn blog without being afraid of what responses i will get

overall i really regret not posting things that even if they were silly they Did make me happy back then or brought me comfort or anything. maybe other artists feel different about this but i really wish i had posted more of just whatever i wanted!! maybe if i did i probably would have been a little embarassed but i feel i wouldve been happier still than not sharing anything at all

so if you see this post and maybe youre afraid of the same things i did back then, take this as a sign to let loose and do whatever the hell you want. as long as youre not harming anyone and you just want to have fun then you can use your blog however you like. and if anyone harasses you or bothers you or questions you about it ill bite their head off ok? im cheering you on forever 👍

[kozykricket]

ANIMAL WELL THOUGHTS (+ bigmode dunkey publishing thoughts)

so, animal well came out, and... i remember hearing about it sometime around february or march, but i hadnt realized bigmode was publishing it lol i havent played it yet, but i definitely plan to heres what i know: its a very funky and mysterious game, surreal kinda vibes. if you liked rain world for being a metroidvania but then also deciding to do weird shit with its world and go founky, but you maybe wished it was more about weird funky stuff, then... maybe you'll be interested! ive heard from furyforged, a yter i watch, that through following its development it has given him noita vibes in terms of the mysteries afoot in the world, and how there were even ARGs for stuff like the release date... but its supposedly all meant to be reasonably solvable without the internet? its supposedly quite surreal, and ive heard nothing but "oh my god this is literally one of the best games ever" even from people who i... really thought wouldnt give a darn about a quirky indie game which helps with the segue into the bigmode in the room

so, i honestly forgot dunkey did that whole thing with starting a game publishing thing... and now everyones talking about "wow, the first game that he publishes comes out and its a 10/10 GOTY contender according to most outlets. after we all laughed at him for saying i will only publish good videogames" and i think that no matter how you spin it, that is definitely quite hilarious, and huge congrats to the devs of animal well for having such positive reception. but it got me thinking about ... well, a game being published by someone well known for their career before publishing. by an influencer, content creator, whatever you'd call dunkey, and... like yeah, i suppose the duty of a publisher IS to help spread the word of the game and do the marketing and stuff, so the devs themselves dont have to, but it must be kinda strange to have people not just talking about your game for its pure contents, but talking a lot about DUNKEY and like. HIS achievements. i guess i just... don't want that to overshadow the game itself? i mean, it probably wont since... yknow, people separate publishers and games pretty darn easily. its what publishers do: they give games attention. dunkey said what he wanted to do with bigmode was to like, invest in games that he BELIEVES in and that he thinks SHOULD get more attention instead of just being yet another indie swept under the rug... which is great, because theres too many good indie games that go underappreciated just bc they dont get enough good marketing. it just kinda feels sad being reminded of that though but like, i just hope it isnt confined to being "the dunkey owned publisher, no way funny haha man" out of... yknow. well. i dont want games published by bigmode to be overshadowed by him. ...probably a silly worry though. again people dont say stuff like "oh yeah i really love [game publisher] they did so great" they talk about the devs when it comes to the contents of the game. the reason people are talkin about dunkey is probably because this is the FIRST game for bigmode to publish, and ... that he proved himself right, at least so far i mainly just ... think its a bit of a unique experience, and it makes me simultaneously happy for animal well, and bummed out for other small indie games, knowing that ultimately there are games of this quality coming out and flying under peoples radar just bc they dont get the resources and marketing of a good publisher

edit: cleaned up post

[lyon-amore]

What if...? Duskwood Chapter 26

Chapter 25 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Macie POV*

 I enter the Rogers' garage, looking for Richy with my eyes. I thought he would be at reception, as Jessy isn’t here.    "Um... I'm not doing anything wrong walking in on my own right?" I whisper. After all, I was visiting a friend.     I walk into the car repair area and find him with Dan's car. I'm sure he hasn't examined the car so far because he didn't believe it had been tampered with either. I approach slowly, lucky that his back is to me, so I can give him a surprise.

 I place my hands like I have a gun and place it on his back.    "You are under arrest, Mr. Roger!" I exclaimed, trying to put on a slightly deep voice, although impossible,     Richy is startled and hits his head as he stands up. I let out a laugh and he turns around, looking pained.    "Please-…. Macie?" Richy looks at me nervously, almost as if he's seen a ghost.    "Hello Richy." I greeted, with a charming smile.    "What-" he chuckles, looking around "what are you doing here?" He asks with an annoyed tone "I mean! It's not that I'm not glad to see you!" He points to me with his hands, still nervous "You're here, Wow! Ah… Wow, I don't know what to say…"    "Do I look that bad in person?" I joke, seeing that he can't speak.    "Yes- I mean!" He stop talking and sigh "I better shut up before I says any more nonsense."     I laugh again and lean against the car, looking at him.    "Dan's famous car…" I say without taking my eyes off all the wreckage. "Did you manage to find anything?"    "No sign of tampering" he replies, taking off his gloves. ", But what are you doing here? And where are you staying? I ask out of concern, since everyone in Duskwood wants… Well, you know." He makes a gesture like shooting himself in the head, pretending that he dies.     I nod making an annoyed sound. Luckily it hasn't happened yet.    << Faster than I thought. >>    "I'm here for work," I replied, putting my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt, "a report on the Pine Glade festival" I see him nod, also leaning against the car "and I'm staying at Jessy's house."  "Really? Have you seen her?" He asks me worried about her.    "Yes, just before leaving, she told me 'Make yourself at home' and she left me in her house alone.    "How strange that she didn't tell me you were here..."    "Well, with the Phil topic…" I let out a long breath. It has been a strong blow for her.    "Yeah, about Phil…" I see that he really seems to feel bad about the situation "I can't believe they arrested him, I mean… Just giving free drinks to pretty girls shouldn't be a crime."     I roll my eyes. Even at times like this he jokes.    "Do I remind you that because of you and that pack of matches, Cleo and Thomas wanted to enter the basement?" I ask angrily.    "I was trying to help with any clues, too" he says, shrugging. ", But where's Jessy?"    "She's…" I take a breath and get serious. Ground set "She's gone to Iris's house, Jennifer Hanson's mother" I use the last name she had found on the internet researching on my own. Of this I hadn’t yet told.     I see Richy's expression change, even this time he does turn pale. He starts to look at the floor, nervous.    "You gave me the wrong name" I give him a friendly shove, with a laugh "or as it was ten years ago, maybe you didn't remember it right?"    "Yeah, that's it" he laughs, holding on to his cap. ". That case was a long time ago, the truth is that I still gives me the willies. Knowing that the murderer was never found made all of Duskwood nervous for a while," he explains calmly. Although his hand tells me otherwise when I see it, gripping the car tightly "But I already told you, there's no way Jennifer's case and Hannah's are related."    "Well, it seems so." I brush my hair behind my ear, doing this, I can show my eyes, searching his with confidence "Hannah told Iris that the same man who killed Jennifer was after her."    "And that's the man who kidnapped her?" he asks me, turning around to put away the tools.    "For now, it's the first theory I have" I see him concentrating on keeping each tool well placed in its place, slowly "and the clue we have is a car, an AMC Gremlin."     He drops a tool and curse.    "Sorry." he apologizes, looking at me. "Don't tell me that now you're going to make that hacker go file by file looking for that car on the internet?" He laughs, going back to put the tool right.    "And why not?    "Because I doubt I'll be able to find anything," he replies, moving closer again "there aren't any files on our computers from that time… And I wouldn't want it to get into our current files, you know what I think of it."    "That's why Jessy is going to take care of it" I dare say, ", if you don't mind, of course."    "If she finds something," he crosses his arms thoughtfully, "they're files from ten years ago. Who knows if they'll still be around?"    "For trying," I shrugged "But since you didn't take care of that, you may not even know if it still around, right?"    "Yeah, I guess you're right," he sighs, touching his cap again. "And when is Jessy coming back?"    "First she is going to go to the Duskwood police station, she wants to be able to find out who accused Phil."    "And if he was the hacker?" He asks me. I don't see anything strange in his question, he means it "Think about it, he is very interested in looking for Hannah and with everything that has been said, maybe he has given false information."    "Can you all stop accusing Jake without knowing him?" I get upset, letting my feelings out, "Jake is innocent! He wouldn't do something like that, he would risk more trouble."     Richy looks at me surprised at my anger, he almost seems hurt for saying that.   "Wait here." he tells me before heading back to the offices.        I try to relax. Anything that involves accusing or pointing fingers at Jake for something he hasn't done bothers me. I can't stand being treated like this.    <<But of course, only I really know Jake…>> 

I stay waiting giving the car touches with my finger. If all goes well, this may be over soon.    "I'm done" Richy returns, hands behind his back and a smile. ". Extends your hand."     I roll my eyes and sit up, moving away from the car. I listen and extend my hands. He leaves a chocolate bar in my hand, with the logo of his store on it. I look at it with great interest, as if it were the best thing that exists. It's just that it's a chocolate!   "You said that you prefer chocolate to a cup before, so I ordered a few at the bakery. " he answers me while I spin the chocolate bar "Well?"     I open the package and take the chocolate to my mouth. Delicious!    "Um… Is this blackmail for what you said about Jake?" I ask, covering my mouth to eat.    "More of an apology." He smiles.     I stare at him, hesitating for a moment. He's a good friend and yet… I can't believe what I'm thinking.    "Hey Richy." I start to say, afraid.    "Yes Macie?" He doesn't erase his smile. It’s hurts.    "Is there something that worries you? Or what would you like to tell me?" I ask, while I cover the chocolate again "You know I'm your friend, right? You can be honest with me."     Richy looks away, hiding with his cap.    "I'm just…" he exhales "I'm worried about Jessy" he says, trying to look me in the eye " Hannah's kidnapping, your false accusations, the attack, Phil's arrest… I'm really worried about her, it's just that…" he squeezes hand tightly. "She shouldn't go through all this."    “I know."     I try to stay calm. I mustn’t get upset.    "Why... why don't you take more chocolates?" He signals for me to follow him to the reception. It seems like he's already kicking me out in a roundabout way. He hands me the glass bowl "Take the ones you want."    “Okay…” I take five and put them in my sweatshirt. I hear how he laughs "What? What's happening?    "Leave a little bit for the others."    “There is no sign that says 'Take only one'.”    "Thanks for the idea."     I laugh too, at least, letting the atmosphere between the two of us be more relaxed.    “I have to go now” I say, pointing to the door. ”I loved seeing you in person.”    "And me too, and how long will you stay?"    "Until the festival ends, why?"    "Oh, well…" he scratches his neck nervously, avoiding looking at me "We could all go together and show you the Pine Glade festival and help you tell you everything we know."    "I'd love to."     He goes to hug me but he remembers that his uniform is full of car oil. He ends up shaking my hand to say goodbye. I hope my theory was worth coming here for, if not… I'll feel like the worst person in the world. On the way to the motel, I stopped by the cafeteria to buy two coffees. I was sure Jake was going to need one. I knock on his door and he opens a little to see who's outside. I see that he is wearing the mask and sweatshirt.    "Ah, it's you" he says more relieved ", everything okay?"    "Yeah, I'm done." I hand him the cup and he takes it. "I thought you would need a couple of batteries."     He lets out a laugh and he looks at me.    "Thank you."    "Are you doing well?"    "I still have a little more left" he looks inside for a moment and then at me "Can you wait a little longer?"    "Sure, I'll be in my room then." I waved, indicating that I'm close.    "Or also…"     He stays quiet and stops looking at me. I wait a bit for him to invite me in.    "Get some rest." he finally tells me.    "Sure" I smile while inside I scream. ". Send me a message then okay?"    "Yes, do not worry."     He closes the door and I head to my door. If I had suggested staying in his room, would he have invited me?    "Do you want to come in?" I turn to hear Jake after opening the door "I still have to look at chats, but if you want we can talk about it while I'm reading."     I will reply when I receive a notification. I pick up my phone and look at the group chat. Thomas asks to continue the conversation about Phil's arrest.    "The group?"    "Yes," she answered, a little annoyed at having chosen the most inopportune moment. "Is the invitation still standing?" I ask, now daring "I can stay in bed talking to the group while you're busy."    "In…in my bed?" He asks nervously.    "Yeah, well... You're using the only seat in the room for the computer-"    "Of course, right." I see how he blushes. I control myself in laughing, what was he thinking? "Come on, they'll be waiting for you in the group."     I approach with a smile and enter the room.

 I lie face down on the bed and Jake returns to his work reading the chats. I hope they haven't waited too long for me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Thomas Can we please carry on here? Cleo Yes, I’m back already, too Macie Richy? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Richy was usually one of the first to always go online and I know he was already done looking around with Dan's car because he was there. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Dan So, is everyone allowed to speak their minds now? Macie Everyone already is Dan Good My case is crystal clear I screwed up with Phil because I left him hanging in the Aurora Shortly afterwards, my car’s brakes suddenly fail Just as I happened to be driving home from the date with his sister ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I roll my eyes at what he says. That's not a reason to accuse Phil of anything and after talking to him several times, he's not the least bit interested in the stories of Jessy and her friends, but I find it normal that he gets upset because he didn't show up for work. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Cleo When I wanted to question Phil about Hannah, he reacted very oddly Ran his mouth off about Hannah  and couldn’t get rid me quick enough -------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------

 <<Hey, Cleo, when they accused you of something, don't get mad when you react badly, advice for someone who's been accused. >> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Macie Which I can understand from today’s point of view Cleo Excuse me? Macie According to him, you weren’t exactly being affable Cleo I might have tried breaking down his reserve, far point But that doesn’t excuse the way he acted Macie And ridiculous clues are not justifiable either 😑 Dan Hey, who said I was done talking? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Ooh!" I get out of bed and reach for a candy bar, opening it. "Open your mouth, Jake." I walk over to him, standing next to him.   "What for?"    "Just do it." I laugh at his doubt.     He opens his mouth and bites into some chocolate. He makes a sound that he likes and he looks at me.    "Thank you." he says after finishing eating the piece.    "You're welcome, I'll leave it here" I leave the chocolate on top of the paper in which he was wrapped on the table and return to bed.    "Roger's Garage?" Jake asks. He must have taken the chocolate.    “I went to see Richy,” I say, looking up from my phone. “Any problem?    "No, none," he answers awkwardly "But I remember you said you were going to see someone special."     I smile at how upset he seems.    "A friend can also be special, Jake." I replied, while smiling to hear him like that.    "Yes, of course, yes, I know…" I hear him murmur "Friends are also… Special."     I shake my head, letting out a laugh.    "What?" He asks me, turning around a bit.    "No, nothing, everything perfect." I answered, trying to put on an innocent face.     Jake rolls his eyes and goes back to the computer, taking a sip of coffee.    "And the chocolate isn't that good" he finally says ", I've had better."    "Uh-huh, sure."     I still need more evidence and theories to talk about my suspicions. He told me at the beginning that he suspected someone, what if he is the same person I think? I must not jump at first and accuse without first building the scenario in my mind. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Jessy I’ve just been to the police And they know pretty much everything About Lilly's video, that we got involved, that we’re hiding evidence! That a wanted hacker among us And they know about you, Macie Macie That can only mean trouble for Jake ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Jake." I get up from the bed and walk over to him, showing him the conversation. I start to bite my thumbnail, nervous "what do we do?"     He stares at the screen, frowning.    "Well, the Duskwood police don't know what I am like or who I really am at the moment," he hands me back the phone. " And it's not his job to arrest me either, don't worry about me, I care more about you. Did they say something to you while you were going to see Richy or when you came back?"    "No, I was wearing the hood all the time" I answered, more concerned. ". I also imagined it on my part, but what about you?"    "It's all under control." He takes my hand and smiles at me. "Nobody's going to get me, and you know why."     I know he's saying that so I won't worry, but it's horrible to think that they could take him away from me.    <<I feel that I am becoming obsessed with this fear, I must calm down a bit. Jake's safe in here, as long as he doesn't get out of here, he'll be fine. >>

 I return to the conversation. Jessy and Cleo argue again. I actually wonder if they've ever been friends or just have Hannah in common as a friend. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Jessy I know one of you has testified against Phil The police chief told me ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh perfect. We have a snitch in the group. What else can happen? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Thomas Because of Phill called Hannah. The same day she disappeared Jessy Who says that? Thomas Macie ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Saying it that way, it seems that I have accused Phil, when in fact is not like that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Jessy You talked about Phil? As suspect? Macie But only because Cleo and Thomas Jessy Why didn't you tell me, Macie? ☹️ Macie Because I don't believe that Phil kidnapped Hannah. Richy Jessy, it was me who that whole thing going It’s me you should be angry ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Jessy logs out. Great…

 I see the chat between Richy and Jessy. She believes that she has been Richy, but it is not true. He has not been, of that I am sure of it, and I have been able to notice it. In the end, Jessy decides to quit her job because she believes that Richy is to blame for her brother's arrest.

 I stretch out on the bed closing my eyes. All this tension in the group is not good, if everyone starts accusing each other, we could end up not trusting each other.

 It's perfect, I get to Duskwood and things get worse than before. *Jake POV*

 I finish reading the chats and turn in my chair to tell Macie. I close my mouth when I see her lying on the bed, without writing. Is the conversation over?

 I get up, careful not to wake her, and I approach her, watching her sleep. I look at hers lips and think about kissing her. These thoughts… I have to calm down.

 She slowly opens her eyes, looking at me sleepily.    "I have read up on everything." I say, without raising my voice.    "Welcome back..." she answers, sitting up in bed.    "Thank you" I see how she stretches herself and she complains "tired?"    "No, I had just closed my eyes for a few seconds," she answers and yawns. I laughs at her and she looks at me badly. "Well, okay, but because I haven't slept well in a long time."    "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's time to work."    "Don't disappoint me, I was looking forward to it." she sits down and she looks at me waiting.    "There really were quite a few things that I had to catch up on" I begins to say, pulling a chair closer to the bed. ". It seems that the group begins to divide."     Macie looks at me concerned. From the messages that I have been reading, in the end she has grown fond of the group, they were even playing through the link that I saw.    "I'm scared of being pulled to one side."     I don't know what to say exactly. I see all of Macie and Lilly's friends as mere objects to help me uncover the truth behind Hannah's kidnapping. Or that's what I think, when I saw that Jessica was attacked, I felt that it must be my fault. I gave Macie a hard time seeing her friend get attacked.    <<And again my thoughts return to her. >>    "Yes, I understand" I put a hand on her shoulder, trying to reassure her. ". A situation like this can have its benefits, because it presents two opposite points of view simultaneously. The difficulty for you now lies in remaining objective” Macie frowns, a little annoyed. ". It seems that the group begins to divide."    "I'll try…"     She have to keep an eye on each action now, we cannot let this be a setback.    "I have to admit this arrest has come as real surprise to me."    "And I don't think Phil was counting on being arrested, either." I see in her eyes how worried she is for him and it bothers me.     I don't understand why worry about someone who treats her sister badly and who sees women as objects. If you're pretty, a free drink? He is the worst guy there is. I am thankful that I am not like him.    "I don’t suppose he was" I finally answered, trying to calm me down. "The police have been investigating for a long time on levels that we have not been able to access. I think the general mood has influenced our expectations of the police significantly."    "In other words, that very possibly thanks to 'The Three Musketeers', that has helped them."    “We could pretty much say but" I start thinking about what we have so far of any clues that it's Phil. I hate that there isn't any "it seems like there isn’t enough evidence on either side."    “I have to find out who gave evidence against against Phil."     Seeing her determined face makes my heart race.

I can't help but get nervous, what she does is incredible. I love that instinct to want to know the truth, it's very natural.    "Yes" I start to think about the situation "Who would gain anything from keeping information about Phil secret from the group?"     I await Macie's response, who seems to hesitate.    “Someone who thinks they can get to Hannah that way."     By stopping the alleged kidnapper, he may talk. Although there is no indication that Phil is... At the moment.    "It's true," I admit. "In any case, we can’t assume that we will find out who it was any time soon."    "It bothers me a lot" she says angrily. "Whoever is in the group, I'm not going to forgive them."     I don't know if Phil is important to her, but it hurts. The way she cares about him makes me feel bad about myself. Inferior to him.    "I've seen the conversation you had with Phil" I open the topic and I feel like I should stop, but I can't control myself, it's as if I can't think clearly because of what I feel for her "Why did he invite you to come to the Aurora?"     Macie looks at me surprised. So far I haven't noticed, but my voice sounds like I'm upset.    "Because I'm his sister's friend." she replies innocently.     I frowned. Actually, I'm not angry with her, but with him. I don't trust Phil or what he might try to do with her.    "You said you would go."     I see how she outlines a smile. I should have stopped.    "Are you jealous?"    “No.” I lie.    "Yes."     I sigh and cross my arms, ignoring her gaze.    "He seems very unlikable."    "What?" She lets out a laugh "On the contrary."     I don't know if she wants to bother me or is serious.    "Well, then it’s just me who doesn’t like him" I continue to contradict her. I don't know what you saw in him to say that. "You shouldn't have come to Duskwood, Macie" I fix my eyes on her brown ones, quite serious. ". It's too dangerous for you to be here."    "An objective analysis leaves no room for jealousy" she now answers, crossing her arms.    "But my worries about you do." I reply quickly, approaching her and resting my hands on the bed.     We stare at each other and she brings her hand to my face, caressing me lovingly.    "Don't worry" she smiles at me calmly ", nothing will happen to me while I'm in Duskwood."    “Promise me” I say firmly “, that you'll be careful while you're here."    “I promise you Jake, I'm not going to put myself in danger."    "Thank you Macie." I lean my forehead against hers, closing my eyes. "I couldn't bear knowing you're in trouble…” I whispered, close to her lips.    "I could say the same, you know?" She answers me and I feel the air from her mouth close to mine.    I walk away slowly, remembering not to have a distraction right now. I was supposed to talk about everything she's accomplished without me and chatting and here I am… Worried that I might lose her. Is not professional of me.    "I…" I clear my throat, once again leaving the big space between us "I saw that you noted the name 'Alan' on Hannah's telephone list.    "I even know who he is" I see how he breathes in and out with difficulty, is he okay? ". He's the Duskwood police chief."    “Interesting…” I think the reason why she would call him, would she be because of the man who was following her?  "So Hannah contacted the police shortly before she disappeared. Perhaps she wanted help."    “Or she wanted to give testimony.” I remember Macie saying that maybe she did something terrible. I'm afraid that's the case, but it should be accepted. "But the conversation didn’t last very long."

     Seat when remembering the duration of the call.    "Well spotted. Giving evidence in such a short time would therefore have not been possible.” I see Macie clutching the sheets tightly, thinking. It seems that something is bothering her a lot, I would love to know what she is ". In spite of everything I would like to tie in with our last lead. You do want to carry on investigating, don’t you?"     She looks at me like I was right, with a half smile.    "I wouldn't stay here otherwise," she lets out a slack laugh. "We are closer to Hannah than ever before."    "Yes Macie, we are" I replied with a smile. She's spent too much of her life on this case. "The fact that Hannah got this bracelet from a pawn shop could take us a huge step further."    "I've thought about that too. That way, we can find out who left it there in the first place. "    "Correct." I get up from my chair, pacing the room. "It almost vexes me that I didn’t think of it earlier. "    "Don’t worry, I could say the same." she excuses me and I smile at her.    "This fact furthermore tells us another important detail about the original seller." I should have thought of that. Maybe we're lucky and the store owner can tell us something. "Taking an object to a pawn shop usually means that you return at later point to retrieve your item once again."    “So it wasn’t Jennifer’s killer then.” Macie jumps up, like a light bulb has gone off.    "Yes. We must assume so" I answered at her deduction. "We should find out who originally handed in the bracelet, I’m sure you know that this is a task for you.” I winked at her, knowing that so far, her help has come in handy.    “Great! I was already looking forward to a mission.” she answers me with a wink and I laugh.

 I see that then she doubts for a moment whether to speak to me or not. She gives me a few looks, too, almost accusatory.    "What's going on, Macie?" I ask worried, approaching her and taking her hands "What are you worried about?"    "You… you deleted Hannah's emails, didn’t you?" She asks me, and I notice that she doesn't hold my hands like she used to, like she's doubting me.    "Yes. But by now I’m sure you understand why I had to do that."     She nods slowly. Something else worries her.    "Yes, I think I do…" she shrugs doubtfully "Do you ever ask yourself if we're going too far?"    "How far is too far when it comes to a person’s life?" I don't want to argue with her, but I want to understand her concern." I cannot answer that question" she lowers her head, looking at the floor "Can you, Macie?"     Macie looks at me hard. We both have different opinions on how to finish the search for Hannah. I know she couldn't help but become attached to the group. I left her alone and they was the support of her that she had.    "As soon another life is in danger because of it."    "You mean your friends, right?"     Macie goes to answer, but her cell phone rings.

 She breaks apart and she pulls her cell phone out of her sweatshirt. Little by little I see how her face is changing. I don't understand that expression. Is it fear or emotion?    "What is it?" I ask worried.    "So we're not going too far, are we?" She tells me, showing me the chat.     In it she showed me that Jessica had sent her a photo. A photo of a door with a bloodstained crow on it.

 He had just marked her.

Chapter 27

[jabeur]

💖📥🧑‍🧒‍🧒🌝 for the ask game - shapovalovvs 💌

grazie mille loena 💖

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

i'm running out of nice things to say fshdcjbn uh i've said in another response that i like the way i write banter in dialogues and that's definitely the thing i like most, but i guess i like my dialogues in general. not always maybe but i think that's the strongest part of my fic writing

📥 What is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

restiamo lontani per avvicinarci !!! the response to that fic made me ridiculously happy and even moreso bc it's in italian it's just special and knowing there are people who care about and appreciate my writing in my native language is so nice. not to get all serious but i think since i've been on the internet speaking english for so long i sort of lost some of the beauty of my own language in some ways quindi è davvero bello per me scrivere in italiano e sapere che ci sono anche persone che l'apprezzano e me lo fanno sapere <3

🧑‍🧒‍🧒 Do you tell people in real life that you write fic?

no 😭 speaking of restiamo lontani, i was talking about it/the reception it got/encouragement i received with my therapist and trying to describe what i write without saying i write about real life athletes being in love and/or fucking was a struggle lmao i'm not like ashamed of writing fics i just think people who are not on the internet in the way we are here would probably need an explanation and i don't feel like giving it lol also there's always the risk people will think rpf is weird and i don't want to make people uncomfortable so basically i just say i write "short stories" and call it a day

🌝 Who is one character you haven’t yet written for that you would like to?

not a character obviously but whatever, i think definitely jasmine!! idk which pairing maybe no pairing but i would love to try, i think she'd be so fun to write! also i have started an igaryna fic some time ago but i haven't written a lot of it and i definitely want to pick that back up and finish it

[girlonthelasttrain]

my one Legend of Korra fic from 2017 just got to an interesting kudos milestone.

If we're taking that number seriously it's my most popular fic. Actually it's always been my most popular fic and it's always been a bit strange to think about! I wouldn't at all write it in the same way now but I'm still proud of it as the first story I ever had the courage to post anywhere on the internet, even if I was already in my late twenties by then.

Shortly after I posted that fic I got into Trek femslash which is a much much smaller fandom, plus I feel like I turned away a bit from the most popular tropes of f/f fic, which makes for an interesting dichotomy. On one hand if we go by pure numbers alone, I've always been doing "worse" than my first fic, but on the other I'm fairly proud of how far I've come as writer since then, and very grateful at the level of engagement I got on pretty much all of my other fic. Even considering the notorious kudos/views ratio, a lot of the works I'm proudest of are below the dreaded 0.1 threshold. (This is not even getting into how views are counted on AO3 which tl;dr I have the suspicion is not very accurate, especially on multi-chapter works.)

I still take a look at the statistics in my AO3 page (mostly because I like to compare wordcounts) but the more years pass the more meaningless the numbers become to me. Every time I see a post on here that cites a numbers-based criteria on which people choose to read or choose to be proud of their own work, I admit I feel a bit dejected. I don't think the numbers measure anything but how much a single story appealed to most readers in one given fandom. And even then so much engagement happens through word of mouth, the "appeal" is really hard to pin down from the raw numbers AO3 collects. My Legend of Korra fic got read a lot after the show landed on Netflix, for example, three years after I posted it.

I don't know. Those numbers for a first fic with which I was stretching my writing muscles in public for the first time keep me grounded. I'm very grateful, obviously, that people read it and still read it. It also helps me remember that things like numbers have meaning only insofar as I allow them to. Again, I would not write the same fic at all today. Maybe I can only say this because my first attempt at fic in English was warmly received, and perhaps in another universe very close to this one I would have found a different hobby by now. But then again I recall better as "warm reception" the fact that my beta reader offered to look it over sight unseen and all the comments I got on it, rather than the raw numbers alone.

[catbountry]

This is so weird to look back on. The Robotic Boogaloo had such a mixed reception, but I feel like it was a pretty important part of TF2's history, since nothing like this had ever been done before. And being able to be a part of it... like, damn, dude. Jerma985, who Scout is named after because he just is Scout, has read something I wrote long before he became the internet's favorite chew toy streamer. He didn't mention the comic in this video, sadly, as he uses most of the video to point out that this could have just been done in the Steam Workshop. Which, I mean, I guess, but this was an experiment.

This was something that had never been tried before. I can't think of many other video games that would openly celebrate the contributions of their fans the way Valve did with TF2. The only example I can think of that goes beyond that is Sonic Team publishing Sonic Mania. Roblox and SecondLife allow users to submit custom content and make money off of their creations, but Valve had a means of quality control by allowing the community to vote on items to be included in the game before this update even happened. Players were already used to the Steam Workshop system. That wasn't the case for the Robotic Boogaloo, when a bunch of items made by Facepunch users, all themed, were added to the game all at once, with no input from the rest of the player base. I can see now why that might be a bit irksome, to say the least.

I wonder if people look back on this update more fondly, as apparently people were less generous to more recent community updates. I'm pretty sure End of the Line and Jungle Inferno updates were received pretty well, but it's been so long and I stopped playing TF2 regularly in 2014, with my last session being in 2016, which is seven years ago, and the game has changed a lot since then (I didn't even know TF2 had weapon skins the same way CS: GO does until fucking today). So my knowledge of how most community updates past 2014 were received is... limited, to say the least. I think those updates were looked upon as warmly as they were because Valve allowed people to add more than just hats. The people working on Robotic Boogaloo were peeved that all of their contributions would just be hats. I worked it in as an excuse plot for Death of a Salesbot, even. Valve definitely listened to this feedback from players and I think that helped future community updates.

The Robotic Boogaloo was mostly organized by Cantsman, who recruited a bunch of people from Facepunch. There originally was supposed to be a map (and I think weapons? maybe?), however, the files for the map were found fairly recently and it was revealed that the map needed a lot of work done on it, and it would remain unfinished. Cantsman's intent was to bring together different parts of the community; not just the modelers, but he also recruited a bunch of fanartists, which was not even necessary. Cantsman was a regular poster on TF2chan as well as Facepunch, and as an artist, he wanted to invite members of that community as well. The fact that any of us on the fanart side, which included people who didn't do 3D modelling,

Somebody I used to be friends with was very upset that I was the only writer brought on board, but a logistical perspective, I really don't know how you could expect to get multiple people who were known primarily for fic involved in an update like this (we are no longer friends because she couldn't even pretend to be happy for me, like wtf). Cantsman wrote and conceived of the larger scenario of Gray Mann being the source of the robotic hats himself, and my main contribution was writing the comic with him to flesh out this idea. Those are my words written out, but it was Cantsman who mentioned the idea of Future Engineer as a throwaway idea. I pounced on it immediately. I did a little bit of supplemental writing for blurbs on the promotional site, but other than that, most of it was Cantsman. There really wasn't anything that additional writers would have been able to do, and there was very much an effort on mine and Cantsman's part to make sure that the writing did have a cohesive voice, with a tone fitting for TF2 canon. I can't help but read the things that I wrote and feel like they are very clearly written by me. My dad got to read the comic the year before he died, and he was incredibly proud, saying that even if he didn't go in knowing that I'd written it, he'd still be able to tell.

I am so fucking proud of Soldier wearing a tiara and eating a money sandwich. That shit is still funny to me. I don't care if people didn't like Kisses von Butternubs. Yeah, he's no Poopy Joe, but there's so much off-the-wall craziness in TF2 canon that it's hard to compete with a team of professionals. Cantsman and I were coming to it as people who drew and wrote comics for fun.

It's been 10 years. I didn't realize the anniversary was last month; one of the biggest changes of my entire adult life happened in May and goddamn, that month went by fast. I should probably message Cantsman, see how he's doing. I feel incredibly lucky that when he was looking for a writer from the fanfic community to help him when he was stuck after having only written a single page, he picked me to help him. Literally, he just messaged me on Steam and was like "hey, I'm working on this top secret project, it's a fanmade TF2 update and I could use some help writing. Are you interested?"

And I answered with a very enthusiastic "sure, why not?"

My good friend @nevvyland would tell me that I needed to apply myself and work harder to find an industry job, and that one wouldn't just fall into my lap. And lo and behold, this job fell into my lap. Nevvy had to stand corrected.

I wonder how everyone else that worked on it is doing. I wonder if they'd be okay with me reaching out to them. I posted a lot of cringe throughout the 2010's, but the reasons for that are a completely different story for another time. As I've said before, I feel like the 2020's and me being in the latter half of my 30's have put a lot of things into perspective.

I don't mind being known for writing Death of a Salesbot, as well as Respawn of the Dead and With Apologies to Harlan Ellison, but these were things that happened so long ago. I fear my newer projects will never again have that reach... but that's okay. I'll just keep chugging along with my art and writing, and make things because I enjoy making them.

Much better than being remembered for calling a horse dildo beautiful.

[jennycalendar]

im loving your energy rn, for me it came a point where i just avoid interacting with fandoms as much as possible because of these kind of stuff, somehow in every fandom i go people always have the worst takes on poc and it gets tiring so fast. with robin and kennedy my only takeaway after watching was that it sucked that they were only in s7 bc that season sucks at character development and i wanted to get to know them better, but then i come to tumblr and everyone hates them?

excuse me for thinking that spike wearing nikki's coat is not the super badass empowering moment it was framed as or that robin's hatred of spike shouldnt have been brushed off the way it was

and the episode on ats where there's a demon feeding from hatred feels super hypocritical given the treatment both shows give to poc, why are they suddenly talking about racism? same with the thanksgiving episode, why are the racist writers writing about racism?

idk i just get upset and thats why i limit the amount of fandom blogs i follow

getting around to this a little late so sorry about that :') i sort of have had the benefit of being in a corner of the fandom that's very small, and a lot of the dialogue around jenny (her and giles being the only part of the show i'm invested in teasing apart) is generally very receptive to discussing the anti-romani stereotypes that she is saturated in.

and honestly it's just .... yeah! yeah. i think one of the hardest parts for me is to see people who i enjoy and respect and have had conversations with just completely stepping back from engagement with the parts of this that aren't fun to think about. my most beloved bonus mom pointed out, like ... of course it makes sense that a lot of white people are not going to want to have these conversations in their fandom escape from frustrating shitty real life stuff, or think about how messy and intrinsic racism is, but thing is, there are people of color here too (like me! i don't talk about it much because my relationship to my jewish/indian ethnicity is So Fucking Complicated and Y'all Don't Know Me Like That, but it's very much part of what's going on w me!) who also want to have a nice little fandom oasis and end up not being able to enjoy it when there's just Racist Weird Shit On The Walls.

i've seen a couple of posts that have made me think that maybe my takes have breached containment a little, but i don't know if anyone actually heard what i was saying. this goes well beyond just going "the show was racist sometimes and we never talk about it and we should talk more about the racist parts of the show in greater detail," this is "the way we as a community talk about characters we love in fandom needs to not incorporate racism." which is something i have seen so many times here from white fans regardless of ship or character. and which is so much harder to unlearn because it is a consistent corrective process and it isn't as simple as not saying slurs on the internet.

also, yes. i hate the thanksgiving episode. i cannot stand it. i am going to have to get to it at some point and grit my teeth because whenever btvs does race it does it very very very badly.

[aura-acolyte]

A person? It must be nice to be able to say that without having lost anyone. I lost my family to her so-called /humanity/. She deserves whatever malice comes her way, it's only exactly what she put into the world, isn't it?

You're right Anon, I haven't lost anyone. And I hope to whatever god is listening that I never do. But don't act like I wasn't impacted by the Shadow Sky. Or by anything that Victoria Gonzap has done. I was out there during the Shadow Sky, saving people. But it still wasn't enough. People died and it was my goddamn fault. I saw people die in front of me. Crushed under falling rubble, melting in the rain, and a thousand other horrible, terrible ways to die. You wanna know what I think to myself when I go to sleep every night? I think I could have done better. That I didn't do enough. That I should never have listened when they told me to go inside or get some rest. That every single death during that horrid, horrid rain is my fault because I couldn't be there. And then when I go to sleep, if I go to sleep, I have nightmares about the Shadow Sky. About watching people die and not being able to do anything to help.

I'm sorry about your family, Anon. I'm sorry I wasn't there to save them. They're gone because I wasn't there. They're gone and its my fault.

And you're right. Victoria Gonzap is a loathesome, vile, disgusting person who deserves nothing but malice. I'm not going to defend her, I never have and I never will. I hate her with every fibre of my body. But I still treat her like a person. Her path's set, we're gonna be enemies until the day we die. The least I can do is show her some basic human decency. You'd be surprised just how receptive people are to not being treated like garbage.

So yeah, sure, keep flinging insults at her and filling her askbox with malice. You are well within your right to do so. But its not gonna do anything. Vic isn't gonna suddenly realize what she did is wrong because some random person on the internet told her something she's heard a thousand times before. And she's not gonna keel over dead because of insult number 5 million. Maybe its theraputic for you or makes you feel better but me personally, it just takes way too much energy to be hateful and spiteful towards somebody all the time.

PS. Just block her and anybody associated with her, dude. You're losing more than you're gaining by continuing to see her posts.

[if-confessions]

Hey :) aspiring author here… or hopefully some day. So i posted a demoless intro before i really started writing and the reception has been really nonexistent. I don’t get any asks and i’m sadly a person that needs at least a little validation for motivation. But i have been writing even though there’s not much encouragement but it’s been a slog to get through. I just wanted to ask, do you think once my demo is out i’ll be able to get more people interested or excited? Kind of like a catapult? I’ve been really annoyed at myself for posting this intro cause maybe more people would have been interested if i structured it differently. I hope this doesn’t sound conceited or anything but it’s really affecting me seeing all these other demoless intros blow up with 1000< likes and constant interaction and asks. I’m getting sad just thinking about it right now… I know i can’t force anyone to like my stuff and maybe my story is just bad i don’t know… It just feels like everyone is starting their wip at a massive advantage with an audience that’s already there and excited and i’m right at the bottom looking up. Was this how it used to be a few years ago? Did everyone start at the bottom? I’m trying to tell myself once people see my world they’ll fall in love with it just like me but seeing new intros come out left right and centre, all achieving things within days that i’ve been trying to do for many months makes me want to cry.

Hey Anon,

I don't want to give you any false hope or promise you that when you do publish your demo your blog will be catapulted into stardom. It could, but it also might not... Honestly, I really don't know what combo of action makes a popular project (see demo/no demo debate). Maybe your intro post is the issue, maybe it is not. Maybe your story is bad, or maybe it's just fine and the people who would click with it just hasn't seen it yet. I tried listing things that could affect a project becoming popular (and it's not even an exhaustive list), but even then it doesn't ensure results. There really are a lot of factors at play... and luck and timing.

I'm not even sure whether it was easier a few years ago or if everyone started at the bottom. There were less people working on/starting massive/epic IF projects, so it was easier to stand out from the crowd. But there were also less people in the community, so less readers, which might mean less interaction overall compared to now. But maybe it was the same as now, with a few project blowing up overnight and many staying at the bottoms for a while, and the difference is much striking than it used to be. Also, the IF Tumblr Scene in the early 2010s looked very different to now... But to get a clear answer on that, it would be easier to ask long-term IF creators whether they've seen stark differences. I wonder if COG creators opening Tumblr blogs had an effect on this too...

So what now?

Well, you really are not alone feeling this way (author tag).

But I don't also have a magic answer either to wash away those worries (if I did, I would probably be also in the super popular group of author). Here are some options?

Join a writer's group or an IF author one

Interact with other authors outside of those groups (asks, comments, regular conversation...)

Post your project on directory blogs and IF communities (discorgs, forums, other social media)

Join jams and competitions to get your name out there and receive some feedbacks

Or my favourite one that's been working for me personally:

Write for yourself, because it's fun as a hobby by itself; find the reason why you are doing this (it was learning new stuff for me); stop putting the numbers centre stage (because they are meaningless); take breaks from the internet...

That one is not easy. You are kind of forced to look inward for motivation and pushing yourself to continue. Do I slip up sometimes? Yeah, I get a but envious of other creators getting more attention that me, and I still check my stats often. I still get frustrated when only one person react to an update I worked so hard on, or even get absolutely nothing about the stuff I really enjoyed doing (sorry Detective Rye...).

But it's been less frustrating and stressful overall. I get to share the stuff I want to share when I want, and have grown a lot more over the past 6-8months than I did since I started working on it*. I feel like I've done my best writing because I'm just having fun. *I did start with an I don't care attitude when I got into IF, but when CRWL got some momentum, that didn't last...

Sidenote: the massive advantage of getting a lot of notes/followers also often comes with a lot of expectations and pressure.