#or maybe it was a defect from birth

[jockw]

hear me out:

she cant fly, she fell off of the nevermore academy roof like a dumbass

[extrasfromthevoid]

Oracle Trance -- Caught in The Moirai's Threads

I haven’t talked a lot about Milo’s power of clairvoyance yet, which is as shame because it’s such an integral part of her character! So many of her choices and so much of her personality are informed by this power, for better or worse

So.

Milo has foreseen the return of The Shredder since she was a literal infant. And as a literal infant, Milo couldn’t exactly articulate what it was about her “dreams” that distressed her so much. She woke up crying a lot, which her birth parents hated greatly because to an outside perspective, it seemed like she cried for no reason.

Those visions got graphic. As in, “experience the brutal deaths of yourself, your loved ones, and the entire world” levels of graphic. Her visions are primarily visual and tactile (you know how sometimes if you get hurt in a dream, you not only feel it in the dream but you get this weird phantom feeling where you got hurt when you wake up ? It’s basically that). When Milo was young, the content of the visions were poorly defined. Anything but the MAIN subject of the vision would be hazy shapes and blobs of color. This changes as she grows older and grows more in tune with her power.

The way it works is that Milo can perceive the unwoven threads of time and chance. Each thread represents a possible outcome and is made up of hundreds of thousands of variables. The aesthetic for time that I'm going for is--obviously--that of woven fabric.

The past is the pattern that's already been woven.

The present is what is currently being added to the overall fabric.

The future is the threads that have yet to be added and incorporated.

For her part, Milo can only see the unwoven threads.

Since there's so many loose threads and possibilities, it's easy for Milo to get "snagged" in them and have to view these futures continuously until she untangles her consciousness from these endless possible futures. This is what a waking vision (or an oracle trance) ultimately is. While in this state, if people ask Milo questions pertaining to the future, the threads with the answers to those questions become magnetized to her (like static, really), and only serves to entangle her further and make it harder and more difficult for Milo to separate her consciousness from her power. In fact, it would be insanely easy for Milo to get permanently stuck in this state because the threads of possibility she gets entangled in are unbreakable, so the only way out is to untangle herself (and anyone who's ever worked with thread or yarn knows how easily a Gordian Knot can form when you least want it).

What's more, being in a waking vision/oracle trance is not unlike having sleep paralysis. She's still somewhat conscious, her visions projecting themselves to her on her surroundings, but her thoughts outside her visions are sluggish--unable to fully divorce the visions from reality as she would normally--and her body is fully paralyzed.

(Eternity trapped in a waking vision is an unfortunate fate that many oracles have fallen prey to as in most cases, the people around them would value access to their power over them as people.)

The best way to deal with waking visions is for Milo to be left alone with minimal stimulation, so she can untangle herself in peace. The process can still take a while depending on how tangled she is, but it usually takes at least two days.

Milo gets her visions when she sleeps, though they don't happen every time she sleeps. She generally can sense when a vision is coming, especially if it's going to be very intense (those ones are proceeded with what Milo has dubbed "prelude migraines"). She doesn't have much control over what her visions show her, but the things that she thinks of most can influence them. And since Milo thinks a lot about The Shredder's return and keeping her family safe, these things feature frequently.

Being exposed to abrupt stimulus during these visions is what triggers a waking vision/oracle trance.

(Her brothers learned that the hard way when they were young. After experiencing one of Milo's waking visions for the first time, they collectively became pretty protective of her when they know she's having visions now that they are aware of just how vulnerable she is during this time)

ALSO

I've finally decided on what Milo's true origins (i.e. pre-Draxum origins) are! I've mostly been defaulting to my crossover origins, but I figured one out that is no crossover required!

(I'm still keeping Milo's universe DC adjacent because I have some very specific funny references I want to include)

So. Where did Milo come from? Why does she have such a frankly OP/meta power from birth?

Well...what race of people do we know of from the TMNT universe that collectively have mystical time powers and mysterious origins?

Time Masters, babyyy~~

[theamazingannie]

“It’s good for kids to work so they can support their families” and why a 13 year old gotta support their family hmmm? Maybe cuz you don’t pay their parents enough for the labor they produce??? Maybe THAT’S the issue you should be working to solve instead of taking someone’s childhood away from them

[terraos]

The worst part about spec bio in a fairly unchanged modernized world is definitely trying to navigate the evolution tree and how advanced a species should get in a relative length of time. Where should the cousin species diverge in order for the species in question to be roughly on par with human intelligence in the evolution stages

[chocobochaserstories]

Omega Heat Cycle Physiology

So, funny story, I'm a Pre-Veterinary Major in university, which means I know way, way too much about reproductive A & P and I thought about Omegaverse too hard and here we are. Totally didn't write this in livestock nutrition today, Not like we had a lecture, Dr. A was momming us because half of the class (me included) had our biology professor call us failures. I love Dr. A she's the best :) Anyhow, here's my take on Omega Heat Cycle Physiology. TW: I don't think there are any, maybe just warning for mildly in depth repro talk?

Omega Anatomy and Physiology

Presentation

Occurs around 12-14 years of age, typically genetically predictable, meaning that for the most part omegas of a family will present around the same age. For example, if multiple generations present at 12 years old, this trend will continue for several more generations. In addition, heat cycle lengths and frequencies are also genetically linked. A mother’s heat cycle, assuming she is omegan, can be used to predict a first heat length. Typical symptoms of presentation include heightened body temperature, cramping in the abdominopelvic and lumbar regions, soreness of the breast tissue, bloating, headaches, nausea, and typical symptoms of arousal. An omega who as not presented by fifteen years of age is considered to be late blooming. This is generally not harmful, but may shift the other stages of development by however many years beyond the normal period of development the presentation heat occurred. 

Pseudoheats

Typically occur between 14 and 18 years of age. During this period, an omega will experience heat cycles, however they are not mature heat cycles. During this period, omegas are capable of conception, however the reproductive organs are still in development, which can result in the pregnancy causing damages that can be permanent. Pregnancy during this period can lead to higher rates of miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, and stillbirth, as well as higher instances of gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, and excessive strain on other non-reproductive organs. Pregnancies carried to viability have higher risks of preterm labor, low birth weight, childbirth complications for both the mother and baby, increased infant mortality within the first week, and increased rates of birth defects. The damages risked during this period also have significant potential to irreparably damage an omega’s future fertility, as well as cause temporary or permanent sterility due to reproductive damages and traumas. 

At this stage, the pseudoheats share many of the same symptoms of presentation heats (heightened body temperature, cramping in the abdominopelvic and lumbar regions, soreness of the breast tissue, bloating, headaches, nausea, symptoms of arousal), but at this point in development, hormonal-related arousal is more common due to hormone values during this period. During pseudoheats, omegas generally mature further towards their secondary gender’s characteristics. Areas of development include widening of the hips, deposition of fatty tissue in the lower abdominal cavity, and overall development of a more feminine silhouette, all under ideal conditions. In cases of inadequate nutrition, the development isn’t as obvious, but the body will still attempt to redirect resources to the development of areas of importance. As opposed to the presentational heat, pseudoheats are characterized by a steady climb in an omega’s hormones. In particular, estrogen, which is essential to the proper development of the reproductive tract and accessory structures. Heat Cycles will still be fairly irregular.

Transitional Heats

Typically begin around 18 years of age and continue until about 20 years of age. At this point in development, the hormones from the pseudo heats peak and stabilize. By this point, physical development is wrapping up and heats that occur during this period of development are very similar to mature heat cycles. Fertility during this period improves steadily, but it is still in development. Heat cycles begin to occur more regularly and stabilize in terms of frequency, length, and intensity. Symptomatically, transitional heats are typically more intense than pseudoheats, but not as intense as mature heat cycles. At this point, the symptoms are the same as the prior two stages, although arousal is greater in intensity in strength. In addition, an unmated, unbred omega may experience cramping or an increase in body temperature (up to a temperature of 101.5°F). During heats, the cervix is also softer and more malleable, aiding in the breeding process. For mated omegas, the breeding instinct is stronger and tends to be one of the few things on an omega’s mind during the peak of the cycle (active heat= ~7 days, so day 3-4). An omega being intimate with an alpha during this stage can expedite this stage and cause mature heat cycles, which is not necessarily good as this can lead to reproductive issues due to hastened development.

Mature Cycles

Occurs from age 21-22 and until the menopausal stages around age 50. At this point, it becomes legal to take heat suppressants, scent blockers, and other hormone medications, which can otherwise mess with development. The only major difference between mature heat cycles and transitional heat cycles is the intensity of cycles increases and the cycle frequency, which stabilizes. 

[lxmelle]

The man surrounded by the theme of love…

Geto.

Gege has made several writing choices to depict Geto as someone who was handsome and loved - arguably more than any other character in the series. Maybe Gege loves him the most - not complaining at all.

More under the cut - just a few visuals I’ve collected to demonstrate this. I’m certainly not alone in noticing it and there may be others who show this much better, lol. Tag me in if you want to share!!

My post does end with a not-so brief analysis which you can skip if you wish.

Geto, despite being cursed at birth with the technique to absorb the ills of the world, the very skill that led him to fight alongside Gojo as part of the Strongest Duo - by design, each others’ counterpart in so many ways - a twist of fate led them onto opposite paths, leading to complete imbalance, one that drove him into madness.

If Geto in some ways represented Love, it is truly the most twisted curse of all which played a part in his death.

Geto witnessed the most love confessions in the whole series - I found (and stole) it off twitter/now X:

The Japanese originals seem more compelling to me:

Riko says “daisuki” whereas Yuta uses a more traditional “Aishiteru” which, is quite embarrassing of a confession, and therefore almost hints at what could be Gojo’s last words to Geto, if it directly parallels Yuta & Rika’s relationship. And that expression Geto wears when he sees Riko and Kuroi struggle with separating?

That does not look like a person who cannot sympathise and empathise with people. Geto was a person who cared too much, and in search for a way to protect those he cared for, needed an outlet and something (in this case, lesser being, the humans) to blame. He descended into a mania and much like shinobu sensui from yu yu hakusho, seemed to develop some kind of mental disorder due to being unable to carry the conflicting ideals together. The dissonance the world presented to him was just too cruel, and he himself became a weapon to defend his ideals.

Before his defection, Geto was liked by his peers:

Haibara

Mei Mei

Loved by his family for and despite his ideals:

Mimiko and Nanako

Shibuya crew liked/loved him and carried his will/beliefs even after his death, in their own ways, as family:

Miguel and Larue in the most recent chapter to date:

Translations (rough):

Larue: You and me alike, we just wanted Suguru-chan to be King.

Miguel: Yea, I followed just because it was Geto. After shibuya, I trained Okkotsu and I don’t want anything to do with the country anymore. (Something along these lines; a little too complicated for my rudimentary Japanese)

Larue: You , me, Mimiko, Nanako, Manami, Toshihisa, everyone just really liked/loved Suguru-chan.

Canonically, he was known to be handsome and popular:

Takaba

Gege’s character book:

JJK popularity poll:

I do not have screengrabs of how Manami and Larue joined, but it was said to be due to how handsome they thought he was.

Maybe he was like Rika, who did realise how she came across in her life, and manipulated people, lol. But that’s a bit of a stretch to bring that parallel/similarity in. Geto was just quite a magnetic person, according to Gege.

And in the most roundabout way:

Gojo:

“my one and only”

“Love is the most twisted curse...” “curse me a little at the end.”

“I don’t need love to satisfy me” ... “if you were there I might’ve have been satisfied”

While love surrounds Geto, the theme that follows Gojo appears to be “the strongest” cursed; he was admired, revered, feared, and disliked by many. It truly breaks my heart, to think of what he had to give up to carry the weight of this for his whole life, until the very end.

This looks like the most dizzyingly lonely picture of Gojo. It was indeed ironic to have it all but to embody what it means to have an unlimited void by being totally different.

He suffered so much for his power and to have carried this strength. The sorcerer world was practically on his shoulders. The balance was up to him; everyone relied on him. Every time he tried to protect his love (geto) it seemed to fail. It worsened each time, ending with his own demise. But of course that’s just a dramatic interpretation - I don’t really mean/believe that, but it is one way to see the tragedy between Gojo and Geto. Strength at the expense of love; it plays out with the strongest this far as those identifying with this title are plagued by loneliness and do not know love.

They met before things got twisted within themselves, between them. Even after Geto left, Gojo seemed to be looking and waiting for him - to prove his trust for him almost as if he saw through his illusions and lies. Geto was the shadow (Yin) and Gojo was the light (Yang). Only the light can see through the dark. I’ll leave the gojo characterisation for another time / to other better writers.

For now, I’ll just say that I felt that he had planned for the possibility of losing to Sukuna (with the various things we see him do between scheduling the 24th and the actual day) and if he won, he’d just carry on the plan to cremate Geto on top of saving everyone and being a good example as the strongest. Worst case scenario, he would weaken Sukuna and I guess just die on the same day as Geto - idk, maybe as a form of redemption for one of his most painful experiences in life. Who knows?

I headcanon he was relieved to pass on, doing his part to defend the world that relied on him so much, with a big bang - a really fun fight.

And I’m glad they found each other at the end - the loved and the lost.

Back to Geto:

We don’t get much insight into what Geto wanted or felt aside from a world that was better for sorcerers, those he cared about. Even at the afterlife scene, or in subsequent chapters, we only hear from others rather than Geto.

Call me biased and delusional; I believe he didn’t kill the innocent despite saying he hated them all. He loved and hurt so strongly that he hated with almost equal force. He did want to force evolution and eventually extinguish all human kind, to him: the ignorant source of suffering, but I’m glad he didn’t manage to get Rika. I headcanon that he was aware he was losing himself by defying his own principles (to kill sorcerers) for his own gain. That, and Rika with a binding vow for a life, no less, was just too powerful.

In the official character book, Geto was described as someone who told himself that he hated humans a lot, like a reminder. He didn’t kill people indiscriminately. I’m sure he was well aware of how evil he had become but he had chosen, hadn’t he? He expressed to Yuta, that self-affirmation was incredibly important in his view. And the more he interacted with the students, I think the more his humanity fought back - I mean, he was standing there crying from being so moved by what he saw. He also let Yuta heal his friends. How villainous? Or how incredibly loving in spite of himself?

Geto has been shown to lie to others too: jjk 0: described having lied to the school about the conditions for obtaining a cursed spirit, and after defecting: upon taking stage for the first time, stating that the looking the part (wearing gojokesa) was important (ie lying). At his death’s door, he also prefaces with, no matter what anyone says - why would there be a need for that if he wasn’t telling a half-truth? He sought to avenge Riko (first person at the cult he killed after calling him onto the stage + cue mic throw) and the village represented a bunch of people who he slaughtered out of rage and ignorance. I’m definitely not defending him here - his actions are reprehensible. My headcanon view is that he didn’t know how to live with himself after snapping and that was the only path laid before him, which he ardently committed to.

I just think that he held onto a form of love/humanity still- Gojo and Geto both did. Without it, Geto would’ve become the Queen of curses due to Rika (uncaring about his family, or killing young sorcerors despite witnessing the students’ bond and yuta’s selfless power of love in jjk0) and Gojo may have focused on training at all cost without embracing Geto’s principles and becoming a teacher to change the jujutsu world - he could’ve become the next Sukuna and take the title of the King of curses instead - crowning them both King and Queen - instead of both the King and Queen contributing to their deaths. Anyway, I digress...

Geto appears very mother-coded in his protective and defensive relations to the girls, but also to Riko, Kuroi, and Gojo - especially after Toji had killed them. He was so fiercely trying to avenge and defend them, but failing that had a huge effect on him. Moreover, Haibara - innocent, glowingly positive - suffered an undeserved death. It weighed so heavily on Geto, that he didn’t defend Gojo when Nanami vented about leaving things to Gojo who seemed to take it all in his stride, almost insinuating that Geto, too, had little autonomy but to carry on that cycle of curse consumption he began to loathe.

Yuki also underlined the meaninglessness of the death / sacrifice / relationship rupture / suffering. And like the novel implies: Geto was too sincere for this world. He just loved too deeply and wounds cut him too painfully. At just 17... what inner resources were they forced to develop?

He was disillusioned by the system, but respected that Gojo had a place there. This is also SatoSugu indulgent: He never once attempted to talk Gojo into joining him, despite it being the most logical choice, but Geto was the emotional and loving kind - he prioritised Gojo over his ideals / himself. This man was willing to die trying to pursue his ideals, but didn’t want to try convincing his friend even if he know it might fail. What does that say about him? I think it says he loved Gojo. And Gojo loved him.

He masked like Gojo did : the infamous “yeah I’d win” and Geto’s “I’ve made my choice” and his face fell as he had his back turned, stating that he just needed to do it to the best of his ability. This may be headcanon but it does seem plausible to me. He was under no illusions about what he had done. To love was to turn away too. To love was to let the other go. Sigh.

Backtracking a bit: When Geto encountered the twin girls, who knows what entered his mind, but there was something that emerged from being horrified, enraged, and it gave birth to new meaning. He would take control and save them - from humans and the institution that made child sorcerors die. According to Gege, he became Papa Geto. (Kenjaku is also mum-coded but the antithesis of motherly love, with the womb protrusion domain and actually bearing children.)

This is of course not limited to feminine energy, as parents, both male and female, have protective instincts. But I’m not here to go into that discourse. Just stereotypically, and loosely speaking, Geto is very Yin energy. He is a big Mama Bear. With extreme maternal aggression. We see female counterparts do this in the wild more than males. And yes, of course both male and female are protective. Both geto and gojo were protective in their own unique ways. That’s for another post. Geto would rather die than have anyone come save him. In fact, the scripture behind him in the temple goes somewhere along the lines of “death to the weak”. If he had failed, he deserved to die. His family should live.

Gojo cares for others differently. And yes we know he died whilst defending others too. He is inherently more individualistic due to what he is with his gifts and noble heritage. He is less emotional and more cerebral, the only time we saw him lose his composure was due to Geto.

He allows his students to take risks and would allow them to fight in his stead, like in jjk 0 where Toge and panda were sent to be defeated by Geto. Tough love, as Gojo admits. This is also very Dad-like in the modern sense of the word.

In my subjective experiencing of the world, it’s almost like a husband who is only really emotionally vulnerable with his wife, and is otherwise the successful businessman, dad, and whatever else he is. Geto is much like a mum that he would walk away from her husband (lol, Gojo in this case) in order to protect them in a way she deems is best. Maybe I’m a little nuts, I don’t know. (Actually I am a little eccentric, but that’s by the by).

Now this is totally just satosugu indulgent: I headcanon that Gojo also “protected” / was possessive of Geto by making a deal with Miguel since the latter said he would curse Geto if he died, lol. Especially in light of the latest chapter where Miguel said he was spared by Gojo. (And i reckon Gojo was respectful of Miguel being Geto’s family, so he spared him for that reason too). I mean, Gojo had to kill his best friend, but this was his burden to bear, you know? It’s almost sickeningly intimate to allow someone to end your suffering, and be entrusted with that too. Ugh, ouch, my heart…..

Edit: I’m reminded of that scene where Shoko reflects on loving neither of them, like Gojo, Geto didn’t want anyone to be alone anymore either. Geto said he didn’t feel happy from the bottom of his heart. Gojo felt lonely (although he said it got better at the airport scene). They weren’t alone, but probably felt it… because of the absence of their true/first love? Larue stating in the panels above that Geto wouldn’t wish for them to fight seems like a nod to what Geto believed happened between him and Gojo. Gojo raised allies - be strong, don’t be left behind. Geto a family - get along, don’t fight. Just pointing out what my take is on the parallels I’ve observed.

That ends the brief analysis portion of what I wished to convey about what appears to surround Geto. He may not have been depicted much in the series, but his presence has been felt through the eyes of many. It made me wonder why did Gege do this?

This author deliberately wrote multiple people in the verse to love and follow him (and spare him a death sentence for 10 years) despite not agreeing to his ideals.

Perhaps it isn’t Gege’s focus, understandably, to give us a lot more insight from Geto’s pov, but there is certainly some kind of narrative he is pushing to depict how this man, cruel yet kind, is somehow one of the few he seems to portray in this way more than others within the sorcerer world at the very least. That his life was somehow a tragedy that he might not have really known the love at all? I wonder what Gojo’s last words were to incite such a heartfelt reaction - well done? Welcome home? You did well? I love you? My one and only best friend? Sigh, I guess it’s a secret between them.

There are others who have written metas on Gojo and maternal energy. If I find it I’ll link it! Otherwise, search through my reblogs! So many fantastic writers and thinkers out there!

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

[queenimmadolla]

𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐍𝐄'𝐒 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐋𝐃

(dad!eddie x mom/pregnant!reader)

*NOT Mature, SFW — incorrectly flagged

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟏 ─ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟐 ─ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟑 • more of the pennyverse here.

Summary: . . . After almost losing you in a scare related to your preterm labor, Eddie is reluctant to meet his newborn son, whose life still remains on the line, until some convincing from you. warnings: angst, a whole lot of angst, near death experience, difficult pregnancy, early labor, preterm birth, talk of loss of infants, birth defects, happy ending.

a/n: congrats on making it to part two! we still have quite a bit of angst to get through but we're almost through the storm! this part (even though i wrote Wayne's World as a whole) was my favorite to write, and i'm sure you'll be able to guess why. word count is 6k. good luck and happy reading! and for the people mad about the long post, sorry, had the 'keep reading' tab on but it kept fucking with the format and eating chunks of it. you're gonna have to scroll. let me know what you think? ◡̈

Hours passed by, Penny had fallen asleep in his lap again and so had most of his friends with the exceptions of Jonathan who looked like he could really use the sleep, Eden and Wayne. Steve would snap awake every once and a while, careful not to jostle his sleeping girlfriend. Nancy was asleep on Jonathan’s shoulder while Argyle used Eden’s lap for a pillow. Barb and Robin were hanging off chairs in the most uncomfortable looking positions, Robin’s snores almost painful sounding. The ‘kids’ (teenagers) had been picked up by their parents, only agreeing to go home if they could come back to wait with him first thing in the morning. 

  Eddie didn’t rest for a single second, mind torturing him with horrible, horrible thoughts. One played in his mind on loop; he was holding Penny as he walked out of the hospital. They were on their own.

  It held him captive, he hadn’t even noticed your doctor approaching him until she gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

  “Mr. Munson?”

  Wayne and Eddie traded quick glances and he handed Penny over, trying not to disturb her too much in his rush but she just curled up to Wayne.

  Eddie stood up, already feeling lightheaded. That voice in his head that had been torturing him whispered something cruel to him, enough to make him want to cease existing: maybe you, somewhere in this hospital, already gone and he didn’t know it. Was she about to confirm his worst fears?

  “I apologize for the fright we gave you. Your wife started hemorrhaging and she lost a lot of blood.”

  Yeah. Eddie’s world was ending. It was over.

  “But we were able to stop the bleeding and get her a transfusion. She’s stable and she’s going to be just fine.”

  The relief was almost crippling, the heaviest weight he’d ever felt on him was lifted. Eddie wanted to cry, he squeezed his eyes shut again, trying to compose himself before he broke down in front of another doctor.

  “We have her in a room, probably hold her for a couple of nights, depending on her recovery. Would you like to go see her?”

  “Yeah, yes, please.” He nodded rapidly, wiping furiously at his eyes. 

  Dr. Eisenberg nodded and began walking down the hall, “If you’ll follow me.”

  Eddie turned, ready to ask Wayne to look after Penny when Wayne cut him off, “Go. I'll let ‘em all know she’s okay and send ‘em home. They probably won’t be able to see her tonight or in the mornin’, but I’ll stick around. Let me know when I can come on up.”

  Eddie wanted to hug him, but he really needed to see you. 

  “Thank you, Wayne. For everything.” Then he was scrambling after Dr. Eisenberg, who had stopped to wait for him.

  The walk to your hospital room had Eddie ready to tear his hair out, he’d wanted to just ask your doctor for your room number so he could sprint the rest of the way because her pace was much too slow. He was desperate to get to you, to make sure you were really still alive.

  “Here we are,” she stated, pushing your room door open. “Hello, again, Mrs. Munson. I brought someone who’s been waiting for you.”

  Eddie’s breath hitched as Dr. Eisenberg stepped to the side and he finally saw you, eyelids heavy from whatever sedation you were still trying to pull yourself from, and a smile on your face that only widened when you locked eyes. 

  “Hi, baby,” you slurred, sleepy little smile not going anywhere. And neither were you. 

  The rush of emotions he was experiencing was too much, he burst into tears where he stood as Dr. Eisenberg closed the door behind her on her way out. 

  “Eddie…” you mumbled out, reaching the hand lacking an IV out to him. 

  Of course you were trying to comfort him, you were the one confined to a hospital bed, having just barely survived a traumatic birth and you were still trying to comfort him because you were perfect. 

  He slowly approached your bed, hot tears—he was surprised his body could even still produce more tears given how much he’d cried in the last few hours alone—streaming down his cheek. Eddie really did collapse when he reached you, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck.

  You wrapped your arms around him, holding him to your chest as best as you could, though you had no idea why he was crying, brain too hazy.

  Eddie didn’t sob, just silently shook as he wet your neck, inhaled your scent, felt your warm skin and pulse beating beneath his lips. He hadn’t lost you, you were still here.

  Ideally, he’d be holding you and squeezing you hard enough to ensure you’d never leave his arms again, but even in his emotional hysteria, he was mindful of your condition.

  Eddie pulled away, large hands framing your face as he pressed desperate kisses all over your face, making sure every inch was caressed with his love before he focused on your lips, mouth meshing messily against yours.

  You could taste the salt of his tears, feel a couple of stray ones catching where your lips met. While he may have been feeling a mixture of emotions, all you could feel right then was content and still a bit sleepy from the anesthesia.

  When Eddie felt he’d conveyed his love for you sufficiently, he pulled away, a wet and hoarse chuckle escaping him when he realized you could barely keep your eyes open.

  “You sleepy, baby?”

  “Mhmm.”

  “Get some rest, sweetheart,” Eddie’s thumb stroked over your bottom lip before resting over the center of it, “just, please wake up.”

  “Okay,” you mumbled, eyes already shut. Still, you managed to press a kiss to his thumb before you slipped into a blissful slumber.

  While you slept, Eddie had one of the nurses phone up the waiting room and sent Wayne. The poor man looked exhausted, but the relief on his face was evident when he saw you sleeping peacefully. 

   He looked like he wanted to cry, too. Instead, he just cleared his throat, blinked to keep the tears away and spoke low so as to not disturb you or the sleeping toddler in his arms.

  “Everythin’ alright?”

  “With her?” Eddie’s red rimmed gaze drifted back to you, focused on the rise and fall of your chest. Still breathing, “Yeah.”

  Wayne nodded once and they both stood there in silence for a few minutes as the world began to turn again. Something still wasn’t right, felt wrong. He could tell by the tension his boy still had, arms crossed as he crouched in the seat next to your bed. 

  “And the baby?”

  Eddie flinched as if Wayne had shot a gun off in the air rather than mention his son.

  “I don’t know.”

  Wayne watched him with a careful eye, Eddie looked almost like he was vibrating from the force at which his leg was shaking, even your hospital bed appeared to be affected by it, though not nearly enough to disturb you.

  As much as he wanted to comfort him, for once, Wayne didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what to say and he had an inkling that anything that came out of his mouth wouldn’t be heard by Eddie. He was lost in the dark crevices of his own mind. 

  The most he could do was offer to give him some alone time, he was sure his boy wasn’t keen on others sticking around right now, even him. 

  “I’ll take Penny home, me and Maude’ll watch her.” 

  Eddie shook his head, a look of panic flashing over his face, “No, that’s alright. She can stay with me.”

  Wayne was reluctant, mouth set in a frown. Penny was a good girl, usually, but he didn’t know if Eddie could really handle her along with processing everything going on around him.

  “Really, we wouldn’t mind─”

  “I need her.” 

  That shut Wayne right up, he and Eddie shuffled to exchange Penny from his arms to her dad’s without waking her. She stirred momentarily then shoved her face into Eddie’s neck, her little body falling slack once more.

  Wayne gave his shoulder a good squeeze, ran his hand gently over Penny’s back before he leaned down—and in a rare show of affection—pressed a brief kiss to your forehead.

  As he was walking out of the room, Eddie felt the panic crawling down his throat again. He croaked out a broken, “Wayne─”

  Wayne paused in the doorway, turning to acknowledge Eddie but his nephew didn’t continue, just looked scared. For a moment, Wayne was caught off guard, sucking in a breath as his boy looked young for the first time in a couple of years. 

  Now, he knew you and Eddie were young. He’d been aware of it when you got together, aware of it when you told him you were pregnant with Penny but sometime after that, he stopped seeing your age, stopped seeing Eddie’s as the two of you grew up for her. Now, right then, he remembered with startling clarity that Eddie wasn’t even twenty-five. He looked so young because he was.

  Eddie didn’t have to say anything else because Wayne knew exactly what he wanted him to say.

  Wayne nodded slowly, mouth pressing into a firm line of determination, “Everything’s gonna be alright, kid.”

  Eddie choked up, held Penny a little tighter and Wayne went on his way.

  He found himself settling back into the seat he’d dragged near your bed, cradling Penny as she remained blissfully unaware and drooling on his scrub top.

  Wayne wasn’t wrong, she’d probably be a little too much for him but she was his kid, it wasn't like he could just hand her off to people when life came at him like this and he really did need her right now. Again.

  You were here and whole, but somewhere else in this hospital, a member of his little family was still slipping through his fingers. He couldn’t let the other one out of his sight, couldn’t lose her, too.

  Once more, Eddie remained restless as the hours passed. He sat in mostly silence. He’d turned on the tv near your bed, the volume high enough to drown out the sounds of the hospital outside of the room but much too low to wake you. Rain trilled against the windows, much more gentle than it had been earlier. The storm had also passed, and if there was even an ounce of humor in him, he would have been amused with how this storm seemed to fester like a black cloud looming over him. 

  It’d been a normal day up until he’d gone to Lucas’ birthday party, but he’d been skeptical about leaving you, worried something would happen. The metaphorical little black cloud formed over him, as a result, and so did the actual black clouds, quickly calling for wind and rain at high speeds. 

  And when Eddie had found out you were okay, you were alive, his black cloud disappeared, though it left behind damage and a cold atmosphere. The real storm had also run its course, leaving behind weather that reflected exactly how Eddie felt.

  Penny squirmed in his grasp, and he realized he’d tensed up so he quickly relaxed, shifting her into a more comfortable position in his hold. 

  “Why don’t you give her to me?”

  Eddie’s head snapped over to you, surprised to find you awake, somewhat lucid and watching him with a small smile on your face.

  “Because you just had your insides removed and put back in,” He smirked, another wave of relief washing over him. You’d woken up, you really were okay. You weren’t going to leave him.

  You rolled your eyes, making a vague hand gesture to brush the subject off, clearly the surgeons hadn’t removed your sass.

  “She’s tiny and there’s more than enough room on here for both of us.” You hissed as you slowly shimmied your way to the side of the bed and Eddie frowned.

  “Okay, how about you don’t move so we can limit the amount of heart attacks you give me today, yeah?” You knew Eddie must have been worried so you didn’t take the lack of humor behind his words and the tension on his face personally. 

  A quick glance at the clock confirmed your suspicions, “It’s three in the morning, Eddie. New day, but I’ll keep my antics to a minimum.”

  Insistently, you patted the spot next to you, perfectly Penny sized and high enough to guarantee she wouldn’t accidentally move against your incision.

  With a sigh, Eddie complied, gathering his daughter up. Tensing up disturbed her but full on moving her didn’t, most likely used to being carried into your home after she’d fallen asleep in her car seat or on the couch.

  She didn’t stir when he laid her down, either. You both had to rearrange her limbs into a more comfortable position, one that didn’t make it look like she was possessed. Once Eddie tucked her in, he let out another sigh and cast you an apologetic look, big brown eyes wide, glassy and full of sorrow.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” It was the last thing you deserved after what you’d gone through.

  The sincerity in his voice almost hurt you, it was heavy, as though it carried more weight than just a simple apology for his tone. 

  You held out your hand and Eddie immediately slipped his over it, locking his fingers with yours, squeezing as his breath hitched. 

  Your hand was so warm and soft. At one point in the last twenty-four hours, he’d thought he’d never get to feel it again, never get to hold your hand or see your pretty face. Never get to say…

  “I love you,” he blurted out, the panic he’d felt earlier when he couldn’t remember the last time he’d said those three words to you climbed right out of his belly, trying to claw its way out of his chest. Eddie took in a shuddering breath, head shaking as a hot tear escaped its confinement, trailing down his cheek. He moved to the other side of the hospital bed, so he wouldn’t crush Penny, and took your face in his hands, pressing a passionate kiss to your lips, hoping he was able to convey just how much he loved you.

  He needed you to know.

  “Eddie,” you mumbled as he pulled away, only to hide himself in the crook of your neck again. You could feel his tears against your skin and it alarmed you. “I love you, too, baby. What’s wrong?”

  “I thought I was going to lose you,” he confessed and you felt your heart seize up, “I thought I was gonna lose you twice in the same damn day. I was so fucking scared, sweetheart.” 

  When he’d been driving to the hospital, there had been a moment when he wondered if you’d still be breathing when he got there. It made him want to throw up so he quickly squashed it and forced it to the back of his head. It hadn’t been ideal when he’d entered the operation room, he didn’t like seeing you get cut open but it was comforting to see he’d overreacted. You were getting a c-section, you weren’t on your deathbed.

  Until you had been. 

  And for the second time that day, he thought you were going to die, thought he’d somehow cruelly manifested this for you and himself.

  “I’m alright, Eddie.” You freed your hand, grabbing his to cradle your cheek with. 

  “See? I’m okay. You didn’t lose me, you’re not going to.” Eddie pulls away from his hiding spot to stare down at you, the wounded puppy look still firmly in place so you add a little humor, hoping to get a smile out of him, “There’s no way I’m checking out this early, I can’t risk you moving on when you look this good.”

  Eddie’s hand was so big his fingers were tucked into your hair, his palm alone took up most of your cheek. His fingertips lightly massaged the area of your scalp available to him as the hurt on his face morphed into an earnest look, somehow more vulnerable.

  “There’s no moving on from you, you’re taking my soul, my heart, all of it with you when you go. You’re the love of my life, my everything. And that—fuck, it terrifies me because I’d still have Penny to take care of and I wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t know how to pull myself out of it, if it’d even be possible and quite frankly, I don’t ever want to fucking find out.”

  Eddie was more than happy to have those types of questions remain unanswered for the rest of his life.

  “You’d be able to do it, I know you would. You would be able to take care of Penny and the baby.” You knew he would, your husband would pull himself out of his depression to make sure your children were okay because of how much he loved them, despite his grief.

  Eddie flinched, something you were quick to clock. You didn’t need to ask, he could see the question reflecting in those beautiful eyes of yours. 

  He had to break the news. You were already in a frail condition and he had to tell you the baby you’d almost died to have, your son, might still die.

  “Honey, the baby—he—fuck, he’s uh…there’s something wrong with his heart.”

  The way your face plummeted shattered something inside of him. 

  “What?”

  “He’s got a hole in his heart, the doctor said it was pretty common amongst heart defects but since he was born so early, it’d be difficult to medicate him or perform an operation. All they can do is keep him under observation, he still might not make it because of how young he is.”

  You squeezed your eyes shut, head dropping back to meet your pillow as you tried, and failed, not to cry. Why was this happening? You blamed yourself, why hadn’t you been able to keep him in your belly? Why had your own body betrayed you? Why had you failed your baby?

  “This is all my fault,” you declared, eyes and cheeks growing wet with your tears.

  “No, no, sweetheart.” Eddie was not about to let you take the blame for something out of your control or even allow you to believe any of this was your fault. “You can’t possibly believe this is on you. These things happen, it obviously isn’t ideal, but it’s just circumstance. It’s not your fault and it’s not the baby’s fault. You did everything you could and more. Okay?”

  He leaned in, finger stroking gently across your cheekbone as he caught a tear. You sniffled, nodding once as he pulled you back together.

  “What does he look like?” You asked, snuggling back into the pillow as Eddie coddled you.

  He hesitated for a moment before he answered, “I—I don’t know.”

  That elicited a small frown from you, “You haven’t seen him yet?”

  Eddie swallowed hard, gaze moving away from you, “No.”

  You waited, watching a series of emotions pass over his features. Eddie often tried to keep his internal struggles to himself, a habit you noticed once you became friends with him (ironically, through some trauma bonding) and even into your relationship. You hadn’t expected him to confide everything in you right away, though you had let him know should he ever need someone to talk to, you’d be there.

  Now, it wasn’t a matter of if he would, it was when. It didn’t take him long. 

  “I don’t know—I guess,” he pursed his lips, eyes squeezing shut as he felt the all too familiar burn of fresh tears. How many times had he cried in the last twenty-four hours? He felt ridiculous to be so emotional, then again, he’d never thought he’d find himself in this tragic situation, so he was due for a couple of breakdowns, “I know if I go down there and I—I look at him, I’m gonna fall in love with him and then what? He dies. I can’t do that, not if I’m gonna lose him forever. I can’t.”

  Eddie was leaking tears, not yet sobbing but well on his way as he made his confession. He couldn’t stomach seeing his baby boy if he was going to be taken away from him, if the two of you would have to put a tiny little coffin—a size that should never have to exist—six feet into the ground. He’d been put through the fucking ringer but Eddie couldn’t do that. It would break him.

  Eddie’s confession had you crying as well, you shared his pain. You didn’t want to lose your baby, either. You couldn’t remember what he looked like through the haze of your fatigue when you’d given birth to him, but if you tried to think hard enough, you could remember how it felt to have him in your arms in the passenger seat of Wayne’s truck. The first time you’d held him and you hoped it wouldn’t be the last. 

  Even if it was, you were grateful you’d had the chance to and you knew Eddie would never forgive himself if he didn’t get to see him, didn’t get to meet him.

  “I know you’re terrified, Eds. It scares me, too.” You grabbed his hand just as it slipped away from your face, encouraging him to look at you. “I don’t want to lose him, either. I want to take him home. I want to cuddle with him, nurse him, take tons of pictures of him with Penny and with you, but most of all, I want to make sure he knows I love him.”

  It killed you to imagine your baby in an incubator, small, helpless and with no one but the nurses, who could make the time to check on him in between all their other patients, offering him comfort. Human contact. And if he did end up passing, he could do so alone in there, not knowing how loved he was. 

  “I know you love him, Eddie, and you don’t want to lose him. But you can’t lose him if you don’t have him, baby. I hate that this is even a possibility for us, but I’d rather have held him and lost him than to never have picked him up at all. I’ll be okay with whatever you decide, but do you really want him to die without having gotten to meet his dad?”

  Eddie let out a choked sob as he shook his head. He didn’t want his baby to die at all but you were right, if he did lose his kid, he’d spend the rest of his life agonizing over the same thing Eddie had been upset with himself for when he thought he’d lose you. He’d been unable to recall the last time he told you he loved you. Only, he’d know he never told his son. 

  “I’ll be right back,” he swore and you nodded just as he leaned down to give you a kiss. He wiped away his tears, inhaled a particularly violent sniffle and you watched as he left your room to finally meet his baby.

  Eddie felt almost disorientated as he navigated his way to the NICU. He’d been there once, briefly, to check on Penny when she’d been there for a few hours, but that was a couple of years ago and he’d needed the assistance of several nurses and staff to direct him, but he finally made it.

  The entrance room, where the viewing window was located, was nearly empty. There was a woman further down, gazing through the large window.

  Eddie approached it with caution and his heart racing a mile a minute. It wasn’t too difficult to find his baby. His son was in an incubator, close to the window and labeled ‘MUNSON’. For the first time, Eddie got to take his son in. He had been right, he fell in love with him at first sight.

  He was smaller than some of the other babies, bigger than others as well and surprisingly well developed. Kind of calmed Eddie’s nerves, just a little. He had a couple of monitor pads attached to his tummy with an additional one wrapped around his tiny foot. Other than the nasal cannula, baby Munson didn’t have a whole lot of tubes attached to him like Eddie had imagined and he could see a smattering of hair on his head, somewhat light in shade but he had a feeling it would darken soon to resemble his own. 

  It was hard to tell if Wayne and Penny were right in their description of him, Eddie couldn’t tell if he was still pale since the baby was cloaked in blue light, but he assumed his son had gained some color by then. Eddie also couldn’t make out his eyes, those were covered by some sort of eye cloth, most likely for protection. He looked a little odd, obviously resembled a baby and while his features were almost indistinguishable, appearing a little generic, as his face still needed to develop a little more, Eddie could see hints of familiar features. 

  He looked like newborn Penny, well, so far. Her features had obviously changed since then, and still were, but he was promising to look almost exactly like she had when she was born. And Eddie thought Penny looked a lot like you, so it got a smile out of him, regardless of the fact his son was bound to resemble his family.

  Eddie watched the rapid rise and fall of his chest with concern. Was he supposed to be breathing that fast? Was he okay? 

  “Which one is yours?”

  Eddie turned to peer over at the woman who’d asked him the question, “Munson.”

  Eddie watched as her gaze moved over all the incubators until they found the correct one.

  “Oh, he’s a cute one. And his breathing looks incredible.”

  “Really? It’s not too fast?” He asked, the worry in his voice obvious.

  “Considering it’s his first time pumping those lungs, I don’t think so, no. Looks like he’s breathing real good to me. Mine needs a little help.” She pointed through the glass to an incubator that housed a baby with a tube in its mouth as well as individual ones in each nostril unlike his son’s nasal cannula. Eddie felt horrible.

  “I’m sorry,” he tried to apologize but she waved him off, a smile still on her face. 

  “Don’t be, that’s all mine is here for. As soon as she figures out how to keep doing it on her own, she’ll be back with me and my wife.”

  Right on, Eddie thought. Before he could continue their conversation, a nurse knocked on the window.

  She gestured down to the baby, “Is he yours?”

  Wow, this glass must have been thin, he could hear her pretty good.

  For some reason, Eddie still assumed she couldn’t hear him and only nodded. She disappeared for a minute and emerged into the room through a large pair of doors. 

  “Would you like to hold him?”

  Eddie glanced at the other occupant and she gave him a nod of encouragement. 

  “Yeah,” he rasped out, turning to look at his son through the window once more, “Yeah, I would.”

  Eddie was nervous the entire time as she prepped him with instructions. While they were concerned about the hole in his son’s heart, he was well developed, had strong vitals, good reactions, even for thirty weeks. He was so good that had it not been for his heart, he probably would have been sent home at the same time as you, given your longer than average stay due to your c-section and preeclampsia.

  And when she placed him in his arms, the love he had for his son almost overwhelmed him. He couldn’t believe he almost denied himself this. 

  “Can I touch him?” He asked, after he’d stopped marveling at the small face—eyes still hidden—in his arms. 

  “Mhm, we’d encourage it. Babies, even born preterm, are still very much so human. He craves the contact, it might even encourage him.” 

  Eddie didn’t hesitate, fingers gently stroking over the soft fluff of hair on his son’s head. This close, he could see it all pushed towards the middle of his head, like a mohawk. His baby was already metal straight out of your womb, it made him chuckle. 

  The nurse stepped away to tend to another baby, giving him a little privacy. Eddie maneuvered his son so he was resting on his chest, little head pressed against the spot just over his heart.

  “Hi,” he whispered down to the baby in his arms, “I’m your dad.”

  Much to Eddie’s awe, the baby nuzzled his head against his chest, making him still. He didn’t know why, but he’d believed his son wouldn’t be able to move for some reason. It was nice to know he was wrong.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, too,” he laughed, the sound soft, “I’ve been looking forward to it, you must have, too. You sure know how to make an entrance, huh? Couldn’t wait in your mom any longer?”

  Eddie ducked down to kiss his little head, lips remaining there as he moved to sit in one of the few chairs of the NICU. 

  “It’s okay, though. I’ve got you, daddy’s got you.” Even if the outcome wasn’t okay, right at that moment with his son in his arms, everything felt like it would be. And if his son needed encouragement, Eddie would give it to him. 

  “I’m sorry it took me so long to come find you, your mom had to talk some sense into me. She loves you a lot, you know? Probably jealous I’m down here and she isn’t, but only because she physically can’t just yet.”

  Eddie’s hand went to support the back of his head as he moved the baby down to hold in his hands, staring down at his little face. 

  “I’ll bring her down to see you again as soon as I can, though. So you gotta keep fighting, okay? I know things are hard for you right now, not as easy as the other babies in the hospital, but I know you can do it. I love you so much, your mom and I just want to take you home, so you gotta beat this, okay?”

  Eddie rocked his baby, gentle swaying motions as he pressed kiss after kiss to his head. 

  “I see you’ve made it down for a visit,”

  Eddie glanced up at the face of Dr. Houseman, she didn’t look as intimidating as she had when she’d first approached him in the waiting room.

  “Sorry to disturb you, but I’m very glad I caught you. I heard your wife is doing well.”

  “She is,” he confirmed, with a relieved grin. 

  “Good, I’m glad. Have you been given an update on your little guy?”

  Eddie recounted what the nurse had told him and Dr. Houseman looked pleased.

  “Well, I have more news for you. He’s proving to be much stronger than we’d initially anticipated, and while his vitals were already good on intake, they’ve improved tremendously in the last few hours and so have his responses. I think he’s figuring out what he’s capable of doing; how to breathe, how to move, how to eat—we introduced him to a rubber nipple to check his latch response and it’s good, not quite there yet, we’ll have to get creative with his feedings but I think he’ll be able to latch onto his mom soon.”

  She must have caught the way Eddie perked up at her use of the word soon. That meant his baby had a fighting chance.

  “These first few hours after a birth such as his and with his condition are crucial. While he’s still significantly weaker than an average full term newborn, your baby seems to be a fighter.  Should he survive this next night, I believe he’ll make it. He’d just need some time in here while the hole closes up, but it just might not be too much for him.”

  She left him with that news and a parting smile.

  Eddie held his son for a few more minutes before a nurse returned to put him back in his incubator. He hadn’t wanted to leave him, but he’d promised him he’d be back.

  When Eddie got back to the room, his heart was a little lighter and he was able to smile when he saw you giving Penny, who was now wide awake, kisses. He pressed his back up against the door and watched for a few moments as you leaned in and gave her a loud kiss. She’d go into a fit of giggles before demanding another with an again!

  “Daddy!” Penny beamed the moment she saw him and Eddie grinned as he made his way over, lifting her into his arms when she held hers up to him.

  “Hi, pretty one. You sleep good?” 

  “Uh-huh,” it was clear she was distracted and didn’t care about his questions, no, she had some of her own. “You see my baby?”

  Eddie raised an eyebrow, trading an amused look with you.

  “Oh, he’s your baby now?”

  “Ya, he’s—he’s my baby.” She nodded with a grin as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and he leaned down to press his forehead to hers.

  “Well, then yes. I saw your baby,” he chuckled, pressing a kiss to her nose.

  “Wha’helooklike?” Penny blurted out, eyes wide as she waited for his reply. 

  “He looked a lot like you.” 

  “Nooooooo,” Penny laughed, shaking her head against her dad’s, “He is my potatoes, not anoda Penny.”

  “It’s true!” Eddie laughed with her as he put her back down by your side and leaned in to give you yet another—he’d never stop giving them to you—kiss.

  “He looks like her?” You asked, after you’d returned his kiss.

  “Mhm,” Eddie fell back into the seat he’d occupied hours earlier. “Looks like she did when she was a newborn. He’s not pale—like a potato,” he directed that part to Penny who just laughed into her little hands, “anymore, at least. I don’t know whose eyes he has, they were covered.”

  Eddie was right about you being jealous, you were practically green with it. 

  “I wish I could see him,” you stated sadly, frown on your lips. You knew, realistically, if he started to decline, they’d most likely let you out of bed to see him or bring him up to you, but still. You’d rather it not come to that.

  “Ran into his doctor while I was there, she said he’s got a better chance.”

  Your eyes lit up, “Really?”

  “I was just about ready to kiss her.” He nodded and you made a face, nose doing that adorable scrunch he loved so much.

  “Okay, well, don’t do that.”

  Eddie snickered, “It was a figure of speech, baby.”

  “I know, I’m just saying it on her behalf,”

  “On her behalf?” Eddie pouted, eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

  “Yeah, I want to kiss her, too, but—uhm, Eds, you might need some sleep ‘cause—you’re hot, you really are, but you also look insane right now.”

  Eddie got up to make his way to the bathroom so he could see himself in the mirror, nearly jumping once he’d turned on the lights.

  His eyes were beyond bloodshot, his eye bags were dark and very apparent, his skin had an interesting almost gray like tinge to it and his hair was a wreck. Eddie looked like he belonged in a psych ward.

  “Jesus,” he shouted loud enough to be heard by you.

  “It’s okay, Eds. You’re still beautiful to me!”

  Eddie did end up sleeping. Turns out the chair he’d been sitting on was also a pull out bed. You insisted that he get some rest, and while he did, you changed Penny’s diaper and got some hospital room service for the two of you, you’d even picked something out on the menu for Eddie to eat once he woke up. 

[beauty-and-passion]

TBOB PART 3: OF BILL’S SOLITUDE AND BILLFORD (2/3)

Welcome, everyone, to the umpteenth analysis post regarding TBOB.

This time, time to talk about Billford because

it’s always the right time to talk about Billford

TBOB doesn’t just hint that there was something going on: it basically confirms it. And as someone who shipped them for years yes, it feels amazing to see the ship being canonized. Not that it wasn’t already canon before, but you got it.

For all disclaimers and premises, please check the previous posts and the main masterlist.

<- Previous post - Masterlist

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Kindred souls

Let’s recap: we have Bill, a being with a huge void inside him, a hole of solitude he isn’t able to fill - because how can you fill the deep desperation of being alone, because you lost everything and it’s your own fault?

He tries with love and friends, but his relationships don’t work, his friendships don’t work.

And then, Sixer comes.

*

Gifted like me

On TBOB, Bill says Ford’s IQ “was off the charts” and he was “wasting his gifts”.

In THE EARLY YEARS section, Bill says he wasn’t just “smarter than all the dull trapezoids and rhombuses”, but he also had “a gift, a rare mutation”.

In Journal 3, Ford says: “I am strange. I was born strange, I am attracted to the strange and the strange has always been attracted to me.”. Also: “my grades were too high and my social skills were too low”.

On thisisnotawebsitedotcom under the code EVEN HIS LIES ARE LIES, Bill says Ford “was half a genius. The other half seemed to be frozen at the age of 18, still a child, totally dependent on outside praise, terrible at understanding and relating to others.”

They both have a birth defect that makes them special, they are both more clever than the others, they are both strange, they both have terrible social skills.

Add that they’re both alone, rejected, outcasts, searching for a purpose.

Is it so weird Bill was immediately drawn to Ford and immediately considered him a perfect partner? And fine, maybe it wasn’t romantic - at first, at least. But the possible attraction is now A LOT more plausible.

*

(Potentially) bad like me

In TBOB, Bill says he looked at Ford’s possible futures and “giggled with delight”, because he was “destined for so much more”.

What kind of possible, immensely fucked-up futures Bill could’ve seen, to “giggle with delight”? Well, consider this: Ford isn’t a 100% good person. (Just like every human being and that makes him an even more compelling character, imho.) He has - always had - the potential to become a villain.

Starting from the series: in The Last Mabelcorn, as soon as Dipper (and we) find out he was Bill’s friend in the past, for a second we all got the impression that this guy was evil. Journal 3 confirmed that Ford has such a massive ego, to think that “Icarus didn’t flap hard enough” and that he’s so much better than everyone else. In TBOB, in the missing Journal 3 pages, he says Rudolph the Reindeer should’ve burned his oppressor’s workshop to teach them a lesson. In other words, Ford is not exactly the nicest, most caring guy on the block.

So yes, it’s very possible that Bill peeked into futures in which Ford turned completely evil and joined Bill. The possibility has always been present.

As someone cleverly pointed out here on Tumblr (forgot your name & post, sorry!), probably the only thing that saved Ford was that Bill wasn’t always present. From what we learned, Bill left Ford alone for long periods (maybe because he had to deal with other shit?), to the point Ford grew jealous his Muse was with someone else. Maybe, if Bill stuck closer… who knows? Maybe it would’ve been easier to convince Ford to keep going with the portal. Maybe Bill would’ve convinced him that opening it was a great idea. Maybe he would’ve convinced him that destroying his world (and, consequently, his oppressors) was a good idea too. “A lesson to all!”, as Ford wrote.

*

Same fascination for the stars

In TBOB we learn that Bill’s mutation allowed him to see the stars. He looked at them and “was ready to be one”.

Ford has always been fascinated by stars. His signature is “per aspera ad astra”, which can be translated as “through hardship, to the stars”.

They are both fascinated by the universe in the same way. They both aim at the stars to reach their dreams.

And that’s even more interesting, if we consider that Bill’s friends have totally different dreams that do not involve the stars in any way:

Pyronica: burn the entire universe

8-Ball: host a podcast

Keyhole: restart his high school band

Teeth is basically a pet so… uh… treats, I suppose?

And we know nothing of Bill’s exes, but I doubt they shared the same fascination, all while being so similar to him like Ford is.

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The endless flirting

In the missing pages of Journal 3 there is no homoerotic subtext: the homoeroticism is just laid here, in plain sight, with a flashing light pointing at it, in case you’re too blind to notice it.

Here are just a couple of examples:

A) “I think I’m starting to like you, Sixer!” / “I think I’m starting to like you, Bill.”: I’ve seen love stories starting with much less than this.

B) “Get out of my head” / “You first”: I can see them giggle with delight while saying this to each other. No way they said it in a less-than-flirtatious tone.

C) Ford says he has been contacted by “an interdimensional deity of knowledge… in a top hat”. He immediately noticed the top hat. In light of Bill’s love advice, now I firmly believe this is how Bill seduces people first. Well, congrats, Bill: the top hat worked.

 D) Ford comes back to his roots, by showering his Muse with compliments about how he “enriched my life and all he asks is just a partner and company”. You know, typical behavior of someone who isn’t infatuated at all.

E) The “IF LOST RETURN TO BILL” tattoo. And later on, Bill calls Ford “his property”. The toxic old men yaoi has never been more toxic, more old men and more yaoi.

F) On Ford’s birthday, Bill followed his own love advice and gave Ford rats as a gift.

G) Karaoke night. Just�� karaoke night.

No, okay, more on karaoke night because that part is insane: first the “one thing led to another” which if it doesn’t mean “we fucked” it means “we made out like there’s no tomorrow” at least. Then the “I’m gonna, we’re gonna”... what, Ford? You’re gonna WHAT? Marry the triangle? Fuck him? Are we talking about kisses or should I pick up the BDSM scene in the Penthouse Suite- oh sorry, I meant THE LOVE CAGE?

I mean… I don’t even have to imagine something to make this couple work. It’s all written here. And if this wasn’t enough, then why not throw in some Fiddauthor too, in which Fiddleford is so busy making TWO gifts for Ford, to forget to get something for his own family. And he comes back to Ford, instead of at least trying to make up with the woman he married.

And since this STILL WASN’T ENOUGH, why not make a full “Love Triangle With The Triangle ™”, starring Ford jealous that his Muse was “off inspiring some other scientist” or “posing for some tapestry” (what, Ford? Are you afraid someone is drawing him like one his their French girls?), while Bill is jealous that Ford spends his time with “a third-wheel hillbilly”.

I mean… I always felt it was canon. I just didn’t expect canon to be an avalanche running over me.

_______________________________

Honest like never before

If there is something more insane in these pages besides karaoke night, then it’s the “monster conversation”.

First Bill basically hints that he tried to undo the past and get his dimension back (for more details, check THIS post).

Ford replies, “I guess you can never really go home again, can you?”. And considering the use of the impersonal “you” and the construct “going home again”, they both seem to confirm my train of thought - i.e. that Bill tried to get his home back and that “home” isn’t just a physical place, but his parents and, most importantly, the love and affection he lost when he destroyed everything and experienced, for the first time in his life, loneliness.

I don’t know you, but I doubt Bill shows the last speck of his home dimension to everyone. He may talk about Euclydia as an oppressive place, but actually showing what’s left of it? I don’t know, I think it’s a bit too… personal, you know? I mean, how would you feel, looking at something that reminds you of all the people you killed for a mistake?

This alone should be enough to prove how much Bill is trusting Ford here. He’s not just talking about his place like he did with his Henchmaniacs, he’s showing it too. He’s showing what’s left.

Remember: to his other Henchmaniacs, Bill said he liberated his home dimension. In the Love Cage, he will repeat the same excuse - while showing Ford that the actual “liberation” means destroying everything.

This alone proves Ford is more than another Henchmaniac, a tool, or whatever other excuse Bill pulls up while talking about him. He told him, for probably the first time in his life, the truth: that his home dimension was destroyed. Not saved, not liberated. Destroyed.

And he could’ve still saved face. Ford thought Rudolph should’ve burned his oppressor’s place, so he could’ve accepted some excuse like “my place was absolute, total, utter shit, so I burned it to give a lesson to all people opposing me”. Bill could’ve taken the merit of ending it.

Instead, Bill said it was a monster. For the first time, we see Bill talking about himself not in positive, grandiose terms, but in a negative term. He sees himself as a monster.

And no, we can be sure he wasn't lying, because that's not the first time Bill "looked more distant than I'd ever seen him":

And guess what, that distant expression appeared when he talked about his home dimension, how flat it was and how he "liberated" it.

But that’s not all:

So, not only Bill sees himself as a monster, describes himself to Ford as a monster, but gives him an indirect warning too, by saying that the monster “would eat you alive”.

Hirsch truly wanted us to tear ourselves apart in angst and I respect him for that.

_______________________________

And with that, let’s close this post too. The last one will come soon and it will be about the post-betrayal and how well Bill handled it.

Spoiler: not so well.

-> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[oikoraart]

I might explode if I don't share this, so here goes an unhinged rant/theory that has to do with the Book of Bill. brace yourself!!

ALRIGHT SO background: yesterday I read a post talking about Silas Birchtree being one of the best iterations of "Bill using a human body as a flesh puppet" (agreed), and somewhere (I can't recall if it was op or a comment I'm sorry) there was this joke about Bill having a thing for people with tree surnames. and I was like haha funny yeah, and then moved on with my day.

but NOW IT HIT ME.

IT'S NOT SIMPLY TREES, OR LIKE, ANY KIND OF TREE.

HE FIRST WENT FOR A GUY WITH THE SURNAME BIRCHTREE. BIRCH. YOU KNOW, THAT WHITE TREE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS EYES ALL OVER???

AND THEN, OH THEN HE WENT FOR PINES. A PRETTY TRIANGULAR-LOOKING TREE IF YOU ASK ME.

AND- OKAY I'M PROBABLY JUST REACHING HERE BUT HEAR ME OUT.

DOES HE,, DOES HE HAVE SOME SORT OF STRONGER INFLUENCE/PULL TOWARDS THINGS THAT SOMEWHAT RELATE TO HIM?? (not really sure why he'd go for trees* twice but- TRIANGLES, EYE(S), BILLS?, CIPHERS)

AND YOU MIGHT BE THINKING "nah he's just that badly egotistical, he picks like that on purpose" AND AT FIRST I WAS ALSO GOING TO JUST SIT WITH THAT CONCLUSION (and not write this post) BUT LIKE ACTUALLY NO THAT'S NOT IT.

BECAUSE alright let's say for the sake of argument that Bill could've had anyone else with a big brain and self-esteem issues construct his portal (debatable) and he just happened to choose Ford because "ehehe surname relating to me and birth defect too"...

BUT HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN SILAS???

THE GUY JUST RANDOMLY DIED. HE CHOKED ON A COIN THAT HE TOSSED AFTER FAILING TO MAKE BUSINESS IN THAT TOWN. JUST THEN DID BILL KICK HIS LITTLE CULT-FOR-PORTAL-CONSTRUCTION PLAN INTO MOTION, WHICH, NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT, WAS DESTINED TO FAIL FROM THAT CHOICE ALONE.

HERE it is WAY harder to make the argument that he could've picked anyone from the town because, unless he was planning to fail on purpose, why would he choose a rotting body as a host?? it makes no sense: it puts a time limit to get it all done before the body is completely useless. it doesn't make any sense unless that was his only option. maybe he was already planning on entering the guy's dreams but then he just dropped dead and Bill went "ah shit. well, time to work with what we have, I guess!"

SO! in short, I believe that whoever Bill uses as his puppet/anchor to this world has to meet the requirement of somehow relating to him (his imagery and/or motifs), not just out of preference, but because it's a must, some sort of limitation or arbitrary rule that he has to follow, for him to be able to get to you.

...and personally I think that THAT'S SO COOL AND INTERESTING OMG MR. HIRSCH YOU ARE SUCH A BIG BRAINED MAN-

SO YEAH. I might be going a little insane. perhaps. cheers to that!!

now I have to figure out how/if this rule checks out with Alex Hirsch himself because (canonically? I think?) Bill has controlled him before and (iirc) is implied to still be tethered to him in some way

*the only explanation I can think of for trees would be the fact that [tree -> three -> triangle] but like idk that might be too far. or maybe that's precisely why he can only go for things related to specific trees, like [birch = tree + eyes] and then [pines = tree + triangular shape]. maybe the rule is even more complex than I first thought... hmmm

[mychlapci]

Okay wait I had an idea for the TFA broodmare thingie

What if in Autobots, when a miscarriage or still birth or infant death overall happens it's always seen as a result of the broodmares? No matter if it was, like, unviable, or if it was a sickness that couldn't have been avoided. It's always the fault of the broodmares. Their job was to produce viable offspring. And they only have their sires sick, half deformed abominations- they had to of done it intentionally. No other reason or logic.

But in the Decepicons, it's seen as the fault of the sire/donor. They've been through war and then some- they should know how badly stress can affect sensitive little bodies. They should know the proper sterilization methods, and the proper care for their broodmares to check for deformities and birth defects. And there are just some things they can't control- sometimes no matter what you do it just isn't meant to be.

Anyways, imagine Bee (youngest, least experienced carrier) having a miscarriage and being terrified. He did it wrong. He was going to be in trouble. Someone was going to beat him, or maybe he was going to be starved, or executed, or, or, or-

But it doesn't happen. The Decepicons just double and triple check that he didn't tear any of the mesh or linings of his valve and get him cleaned up and keep him comfortable. They're gentle as they talk and quiet when they bring up options for burial. Even in the war forged cultures, a proper burial is required, and it must be attempted no matter the cost if the recently deceased was a bittie.

Anyways, Bee has a breakdown sobbing and he talks about what happened and how he was "prepared" for his role and all the things he was told and saw and victim to and the Cons are PISSED. First the Autobots send broodmares to the far end of the system with no proper medical care or nesting materials or even adequate transfusions or donors, AND they don't even have the decency to recognize loss of bitties and carriages as something that is probably THEIR fault from the atrocious care standards?!

Megatron would be furious. He'd get the stories from the rest of the team before trying to piece together what to do. It might even be a situation where they go looking for other broodmares in similar situations, because there's no way in hell any half-decent mech will just let carriers stay in such cruel and unusual situations.

Once Megatron learns that autobots blame their broodmares in case of a miscarriage, his distaste for autobots grows even larger, and that’s coming from a guy who waged war with them for 4 million years. On his ship, a miscarrying broodmare means the studs or sire are to be punished, not the poor carrier. They’ve gone through enough, poor little thing, Blitzwing’s favourite, he’d be ready to rip the triple-changer’s helm off of his body for putting such a toll on his broodmare that he couldn’t carry to term, if Blitzwing wasn't threatening to do the same to the rest of the ‘Cons. 

Of course, perhaps no one was rough with him, it could have just happened… A little accident. Bumblebee gets a little break from his duties so his system can reboot.

[misstycloud]

Yandere harpy x reader

TW: bad writing

A/N: sorry I’ve been gone for so long. I’ve been so busy and had no energy at all. But all the exams are over now so I’ll have more time to write now yay! I threw this jumpscare story together for you, sorry if it sucks.

Anyway, let’s welcome bird boy to the club! ;)

————

It was scary how much it resembled a human in some ways, yet you knew it definitely wasn't. From the moment you laid eyes on it, it was clear the creature was male. Which contradicted what you knew about it, for it wasn't the first time you had seen such a being. They were featured in a lot of myths, records of their appearance and power.

Harpy, that's what it was. At least, that's what you think. It was the closest you could come up with that resembled the bird-man you met. The upper body and head was human. He, the harpy, had a thick mane of tangled, dark hair. Due to all the exercises he must go through on a daily basis, his chest was well muscled and firm. If it were anyone else, you'd love to take a good look, but that was not the case.

His humanity ended there. On his back, sat a pair of large, strong wings. They too, were dark in colour. Legs did he not have either, not human ones at least. The bird feet had sharp talons that made you anxious whenever you looked at them, even though you knew he'd probably not use them against you.

And thank god you didn't have to see his private parts, that was thanks to the ruffled feathers covering the area. It would be a lot harder to handle him if he walked around with his bird dick hanging out.

This left the confusion, if he really was a harpy, then why did he appear so different. One, he was a male, which none of the harpies in the myths were, there they were all female. Also, he seemed more human like than them, physically that is. In the Greek stories, harpies are depicted as birds with the heads of women.

Crouching down and leaning against the cave wall, you try to avoid glancing at the approaching form. A coo left him, directed at you. You ignored it, there was no way you'd willingly indulge in its desire. When he received no reaction from you, he frowned, nudging you with his head.

When he had returned from his outing and noticed you weren't in the nest he'd created, his first thought was that you had fallen off the cliff connected to his cave in the tall mountain where he'd settled down. He was horrified at the image of you inching closer the the ledge, standing there and glancing down until suddenly the ground under you gave away and crumbled.

He shuddered. You would never have any reason to be scared as long as he is near, for he will do whatever it takes to protect you, his mate. His sweet, innocent mate. The male harpy had never seen someone like you before, but you were very similar to him. Except the wings and instead having those weird naked legs and arms, of course. How unpractical it was, having no wings.

There's no way you could fly like that! Maybe you were defected from birth? He felt sorry for you, you must have led a very hard life. Not being able to hunt for yourself or protect from predetors that wished ill intent upon you. Oh, dear. In the harpy world, should one of the chicks be weaker, it was inevitable the others wouldn't abandon them.

Not even those males you were with when he found you, showed any indication of protecting you. Unworthy, they were. They didn't deserve company from a female as lovely as you. He doesn't care about your defects,which is much more than he could say for the other males.

They were also strange looking with the same differences from him like you, but it didn't mean they should be allowed to slack of their responsibilities. He was glad he got rid of them. Now you could live with someone who actually knew how to take care of their partner.

"Stop it.." you whispered in defiance, wishing he would just let you be. Of course that would not happen.

The creature kept trying to usher you into the giant nest made from twigs. He always seemed the happiest when you were in it, you supposed it was some kind of instinct engraved in his bird-brain. You weren't dumb, you understood the signals and behaviours he was exhibiting.

The fond touches, protectiveness, trying to feed you, and the special dance he'd preform in front of you. You could see how he felt when you refused to move along with him. But why should you care about his feelings when he obviously had no regards for yours, if he did he would not have murdered your friends in cold blood.

You shrieked in surprise, the harpy lifted you up and was walking towards the bed made of natural elements. Gently, he set you down in it and you watched as he went and grabbed the dead carcass of a rabbit. It wasn’t there previously which meant he must have caught it recently, when he was out.

You frowned and pushed it away when he offered it to you. There was no chance you’d eat it, it was raw and you’d rather not catch anything. Then there was also a part of your pride you wished to protect, if you ate it meant giving in. Until now you had managed to avoid consuming anything he gave you. Although, you did eat when you absolutely had too, and in those cases it was fruits and nuts you still had in your backpack. But they were beginning to run out. You were grateful that you were able to keep your bag, when he first took you, what if he had thrown it out?

The male cawed at your defiance and entered the nest as well, placing himself behind you and pulling you into his lap. Protectively, he formed his wings around you, in the process making it slightly darker and harder to see. It was something he loved doing. Another one of his instincts you supposed. It made him feel like a worthy mate, someone who can protect you and provide. He ruffled his feathers in pleasure at the thought.

You winced as he dug into the flesh of the deceased animal, ripped out a bloody chunk and tried to make you eat it. “No, I don’t want that.” You said in a firm tone.

The harpy made multiple attempts, all failing of course. In the end, he leaned down, looking at you with a sad face while shaking you lightly, but you refused. He stared thoughtfully at the meat chunk for a while before gobbling it up himself.

Good, you thought and went on to ignore the male currently holding you previously. At least he won’t pester me about it anymore. However, you were deeply wrong about that.

It wasn’t long until weird sounds began erupting from him, you glanced back at him with suspicion. He was gagging and it hit you, he was going to throw up! You tried to pry his arms off you and escape to oncoming accident, but he wouldn’t budge.

“Let go of me! I’m not letting you puke all over me, you stupid bird!” You nearly wanted to throw up yourself at the thought.

You quickly looked away when he leaned over his hand and coughed up a slimy red substance into it. The meat he consumed earlier had been turned to a big mucky goo. It was the most disgusting thing you’d ever seen. But what almost made you faint was when he pushed it towards you.

“No, no, no, no!” You exclaimed in protest.

The male’s brows furrowed at your action and demonstrated an eating gesture with the chewed down flesh.

“Yes, I know you want me to have it but I must decline.” You simply wanted nothing to do with it, sadly he did not appear to understand that.

Having read bird relating books before, you also recognised this behaviour. It was called regurgitation and was when parents feed their chicks by partially digesting food from their own stomachs and then transfer it to their chicks.

The harpy male could not comprehend the reason why you did not eat his catch of the day. He could hear the sounds emitting from your stomach so you were obviously hungry, so why? In the beginning he thought that maybe you didn’t know how to eat it, so he decided to help you and rip off a piece. When you still didn’t do anything, he chose to help you further through first digesting the food in his stomach and then give it to you. Unfortunately you did not seem too happy about that, going as far as to reject his hold and try to flee to another part of the cave.

The whole thing made him incredibly pessimistic. He only wished to take care of you! The male had never had a mate before since harpies mate for life, and he didn’t know it would be so difficult to have one. He didn’t regret you or anything, but he couldn’t deny you were a little harder to care for. It wasn’t your fault, of course. The ones he blamed were your parents, they must have been horrible to you because you didn’t look like a normal harpy.

His blood boiled at the thought. However, that wouldn’t matter anymore, because he won’t let you be alone now that he is here.

When nightfall came, you were forcefully wrapped in his embrace again like he has done ever since he brought you to his home. You two were laying down in the nest, your back to his chest, one of his wings under you to create a more comfortable bedding and one wing over you for a blanket. One of the harpy’s feet was gripping your calf in a secure hold, hindering you from sneaking off. Although, his arms around your waist were a pretty good chackle too. You hated to admit it, but it was actually quite nice.

His feathers were softer on the inside of his wings and very warm. Because of the height you were at, there would sometimes be strong winds which caused you to freeze. Your saviour would then be your kidnapper. He would appear and cover you with his feathers to keeep you heated. You could see how much he enjoyed it when it happened. Not very surprising, really, since it was the only time you’d allow him close.

Oh how you wanted to wipe that smile off his face.

[bestangelofall]

In a Name

She was Natalia first.

She imagines, now, her mother and father discussing and deciding on what they would call the baby. Maybe it would have been Pavel or Oleg or Dmitry if it was a boy, and maybe they had pondered on Maria or Sofia or Tatiana before settling on Natalia—the first name she was given, but not the last.

Among all the other things she doesn’t remember, or that are murky and hazy, she likes to think that she forgot the smile of her mother looking at her and for the first time whispering “Natalia” with awe and love.

(As she says, love is for children, and surely the girl she once was would be deserving of it.)

After that, maybe lifetimes later, she would be known by many names.

All of them titles that speak of actions, and loyalties, and treason and blood.

Blood that she spilled, blood that was hers on the floors of the Red Room—and maybe in a way it all mixes together, because just as she killed all those other people, the ones whose names she doesn’t even know, she also killed Natalia.

Even if she’d been taught against it, the Widow had hesitated—maybe it was the nerves of her first kill—so Natalia’s death was slow, torturous, even though the agony went unseen and silent, in a prelude of the fact that she would go by unnoticed, unmourned, forgotten; for from the blood and gore that became Natalia Alianovna Romanova’s ethereal corpse something glorious emerged:

The Widow.

The Red Death.

The Slavic Shadow.

It was a necessary sacrifice.

When she defects, before another title is thrust upon her—the Russian Avenger—Nick Fury asks her what name she wants to take. She thinks of something American, to integrate better, and then discards the idea—she isn’t sure yet that this isn’t all some deep cover thing, but it’s better not to start that way, at least in the secrecy of her mind. She thinks of Alisa and Olga, because those are names she has always found pretty. Inevitably, she thinks of Natalia.

The problem is that Natalia is dead, and now, for the first time in years, it feels like she can finally rest, like she won’t be rolling in her grave for what became of what she was. It doesn’t feel right to take that name now, to disturb the dead and pretend to be some dead girl.

The idea of randomly picking something also doesn’t sit well with her. She’s done that many times, but it was always meant to be transitory—for a night, for a week, for a few months—but now it’s supposed to be forever. She’ll still need to be Anna or Mary or Irina or whatever else is decided for missions, but there needs to be something that isn’t temporary, that it’s truly hers.

If only she knew who she truly is, then maybe the task of picking a name wouldn’t be so difficult.

Nick Fury is looking at her with a blank expression, but she can see annoyance and impatience past that empty gaze. They say things are different here, but she knows not to make a handler wait for too long, and from the deep recesses of her mind, help comes.

“Natasha,” she says, and then adds, “Romanoff.”

As aliases go, it’s terrible, but Fury doesn’t say anything, just types it down. 

When asked, she will say that it was a way of making her birth name easier for everyone, that this one will get less butchered by tongues unaccustomed to the rounder vowels and more diverse consonants. 

But the truth is that she was Natalia first, but for her mother and father, she was also Natasha. When she did something cute, or when they were crossing the street and she had to hold her mother’s or father’s hand, that’s what they called her. Before she was taken away, that’s what her mother, covered in the blood of her father, screamed.

That’s the last word her mother ever spoke.

Natalia is dead, and will remain so, but maybe Natasha is what couldn’t be killed, a living thing among many ghosts.

She was Natasha second, and last.

Read on Ao3

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

18:45 ー GOJOU SATORU. it's because you're the strongest that i have to stay with you; who's going to protect you otherwise?

"are you the strongest because you're gojou satoru?"

"or are you gojou satoru because you're the strongest?"

satoru never had the opportunity to answer suguru's question before he defected completely from their organization to pursue a pipe dream. but if gojou satoru had to answer the question, months later, he'd probably answer that it's the former.

he was born the strongest. his was a birth that shook the entire world all by virtue of his six eyes, the first user in centuries. there's no one else in the world like him.

he truly is the honored one. the one who is given the that are jobs too difficult for the weak and ordinary. the one many quietly scoff should handle everything at this point.

therefore, being strong is a given for him; limitless, the six eyes, all the bunk things he learned throughout his current three years at jujutsu tech. it's all pretty much been expected for him. there's nothing he can't do if he really put his mind to it. it's been that way since he was a kid.

nothing can touch him in senses literal and metaphorical. not unless he wants it to. he hasn't been touched by a foe since his run-in with the zenin reject.

that's why what he is experiencing presently is such an oddityー someone looking him over carefully for any signs of injury. "so you know this playing doctor thing is pretty pointless, right?"

"you're point?" you tell him as you continue to look over him carefully, gently moving his hands and arms before circling around him one last time. "and how are you feeling?"

"perfectly fine," he shrugs truthfully. the mission was light work, nothing special. special grade curses were standard for him by now.

you stand in front of him, finally nodding in approval, "alright, you can get the [first] stamp of approval then. you're all good."

"told ya."

"complain all you want," you place your hands on your hips, nose in the air with a petulant tone. "i'm always gonna check you over when you come back from assignments, mr. no one can touch me. and take these off," gently, you remove satoru's sunglasses from the bridge of his nose. delicately, you close them and rest them to hang on the collar of your shirt. "it's too dark to wear them. you'll trip."

you hold each other's glares for a brief moment before sporting a pair of matching grins. "welcome home," you tell satoru at last, not fighting it when he pulls you into a lazy hug.

it's nice being back. "glad to see someone missed me," maybe he might have missed you more though. you make a scoff of annoyance but you hug him back anyway. satoru's hold tightens. it crosses his mind for a moment the two of you should move in together after graduation. "it's too late to act like you didn't. i know, i know, my presence leaves a huge hole in your heart until i come back."

"says the one who calls me incessantly whenever i get assigned something," you cross your arms, grinning smugly.

"so you say," he shoos your words away. "but you're the one who was waiting for me to come back on the stairs. just accept the fact that you clearly missed me. extra arguments about any habits i might have are unnecessary," he holds his palm in front of your face just before you likely were about to remind him that he's the one who always waits for you to pop back up from missions on the school stairs like hachiko. "let's get back to the dorm, i'm starving."

you roll your eyes but you follow after him anyway while satoru slows his pace to match yours, hands swinging in the same orbit but separate.

"but seriously, you don't have to always check me over like that whenever i come back from a mission," satoru starts, holding back the urge to mess with the back of his head. maybe he should cut some of it off. "if anything, i should be the one checking you over." still, ever since august of second year, this has been your routine.

he comes back from a mission and you don't let him do anything fun unless you're 100% sure he's okay.

you reach over to hold his hand and give it a squeeze. satoru is the affectionate one between the two of you. even before you were friends and he merely enjoyed antagonizing you in his spare time in first year. he's never been hesitant to touch you.

first year it was poking your cheek or flicking your forehead.

second year he evolved to slinging his arm around your shoulders. august of second year was also when you shared a bed for the first time. the star plasma vessel went wrong in everyway possible and amanai and kuroi's bodies were stuffed in the jujutsu tech morgue. ascended, lost and empty, satoru found himself waiting in your bed until you got back to the dormitories.

when did he start associating you with safety? satoru isn't sure when that line began to blur, all he remembers is that your room is instinctively where his feet led him. in your room he stayed until you showed up again and in your room you let him be until the sun came up.

now in third year, affection was swapped between you both as easily as breathing. still, normally he was the one initiating it. it's nice when it's the other way around though.

"don't you remember what i told you last month?" you smile in the moonlight, swinging your hands between you both. "i'm gonna protect you, whatever way i can. that includes dealing with me looking you over for injuries even if it's very unlikely you're actually hurt. and i know the chance of us being paired up for missions is slim to none, but just know i don't care if you have your infinity. i'm your shield."

gojou satoru has never been told "i'll protect you" before.

but a week after you both turned 17, not only did you promise you'd never leave him, you told him that you'd protect him too.

your cursed technique has never been anything to brag about.

at least, maybe not until recent years. you called it 'rejection' but it ultimately just came down to your cursed energy solidifying into a shield. nothing satoru could really respect back when you were first years. saying he respected your technique the bulk of second year was a bit of a stretch too; second year was when he was toeing the line.

until recently, solo missions were never things you were sent on. you were back up meant to protect whatever combatant you were paired up with. satoru's never been one of them. why would he be when he's got his own shield?

how does one protect the strongest?

satoru doesn't need a knight. it's a fact everyone knows, hence why his assignments have been solo since third year. hence why even in second year he was never paired up with anyone whose abilities were defensive in nature.

yet despite that fact, it's been you and you alone who has ever told him ー gojou satoru ー "i'll protect you."

and you meant it.

"i meant what i said," satoru feels your thumb brush against the side of his hand. "you're stuck with me for the end of time. because if no one else is gonna look after you, i will."

"why?"

"because i want to."

"why do you want to?"

you both stop walking and your answer doesn't come as quickly as the rest. your eyes are a million miles away from where you're both standing in the middle of your too-large campus. it's not for the first time that satoru wishes he could read your mind. "you're someone very precious to me," you say at last with soft conviction. you're strong. first year satoru was dumb to think otherwise. yours is a quiet strength satoru still doesn't quite understand but he's happy to receive. "you already know that though."

"i didn't realize you liked me so much," satoru laughs dryly but his grip around your hand tightens. "better be careful, [first]. the people will start to talk. imagine what utahime will say."

"satoru," he looks at you again, really looks at you. your smile is expectant and comfortable as you look back. like what you're going to tell him is next is something he should be expecting and yet still you're so patient with him. "you know i'm in love with you, right?"

yeah.

first year you weren't much of anything besides classmates.

second year you were friends.

third year you're an unlabeled strangeness. you aren't lovers but you definitely aren't just friends, existing in a weird space between where neither of you say anything but it's obvious. it isn't like he's sharing a bed with shoko or nanami most of the week or holding their hands when he comes back to campus. he knows you're not caressing their heads every morning after you wake up, waiting until their fully cognizant before starting your day.

you love your friends. but satoru knows there's a tenderness reserved just for him the way his affection that lingers is reserved solely for you.

"'course i do," satoru finds himself chuckling humorlessly again. "about time you said it, though. no one wants to be rejected by the person they're in love with. what if i was misinterpreting all the signs?" there's no way he could have. still it was scary not knowing for sure. that if he did anything wrong you'd have backed away.

"you won't leave too, right?"

"it’s unfortunate to tell you but you’re pretty much stuck with me, satoru."

it's the promise he's most scared of you breaking and he never wants to be the cause of it.

"there's nothing to misinterpret," you playfully tug his hand to pull him closer to your side before leaning onto him. "i want to protect the one i'm in love with, that's all there is too it. you're worth protecting even if logic argues there's no point in me trying. i'm going to protect you and that's that."

"you're gonna protect me?" satoru whispers as dreamily as the first time he asked.

"yeah," you vow once again. "with all i've got; even if it's not enough."

it's enough. you're more than enough.

the winter winds brushing against the two of you warns that you should be heading inside.

satoru feels more than warm kissing you.

while this is technically part of the same universe as my last gojou fic 「i cherish you, halcyon days」 this can be read as a standalone as well. this takes place during the end of third year but before the start of the 4th year (jujutsu schooling lasts 4 years in canon)

but this how i always imagined the love confession would have gone

[sentientfunfetti]

begging for you to do a mob au wally hcs please please please

mob boss!wally/reader hcs

(mob boss wally and his au was made by @clownsuu on tumblr! go support their work!)

REBLOGS AND FEEDBACK APPRECIATED!

CW// FOR THEMES OF POSSESSIVENESS, STALKING, MURDER, AND MUTILATION!

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the way you two met is unclear, nor does it matter, really. he felt a magnet pull to you. not in a 'smitten' or 'love at first sight' way, but in an intrigued and 'i wonder how far i can bend them until they break' way. totally normal. it wasn't until barnaby pointed out his growing fascination with you that he was more than comfortable acting on it.

romancing? oh, do you mean terrorizing? his way of showing affection would be letting you know he's there. always watching, and also sending you suspicious packages and...love letters'. these letters can range from...slightly affectionate threats to being downright cryptic. all lovingly written in red ink and cursive and brought to your mailbox! how did he get your address? haha! don't worry about it! (except maybe do.)

he took the advice from barnaby, by the way. resident 'lady killer'.(he is anything but in fact he likes men.) blame that guy.

when he finally and inevitably does make the decision to start seeking you out, it's small things at first. he shows up to your job in his usual disguise accompanied by howdy, of course. if you go to church he shows up there. 'small world.', he says. on the inside he smirks when you believe him. he totally hasn't followed you, figured out your schedule, where you live-- your friends and family...who would go looking for you if you went 'missing'. it's a shame really. happens all too often in the city you live in. easily covered up too. money and blackmail do wonders when the cops are just as human as the citizens.

more than anything, he loves seeing what makes you tick. shy away. what causes you to avert your eyes. he found out pretty quickly you don't like being stared at and felt joy. he loves staring. especially at you. he also loves it when you try and brush off how uncomfortable you really are. cute.

keep in mind that when he does come to you in his disguised form, you do NOT know it's him. in fact, if anything he would make sure that you don't know what he (wally) looks like. he would send you letters from the comfort of his home, and have someone else mail them. watch you from the shadows, or just have howdy do it. he does not have to go out of his way to have access to you.

at the end of the day his goal is simple: befriend you. make you trust him. make you his. let it be by taking your eye and making you a part of the neighborhood, or by keeping you locked away...or maybe he'll just keep you living in fear for the rest of your days. who knows. either option sounds entertaining to him.

one day, you open up to him about your stalker...and he can barely contain the joy he feels at how scared you sound. he comforts you, of course. when you tell him how you feel about the letters and packages, he almost slips up in his charade, so close to letting you know how he felt making them. he resists, of course, letting you think you just confided in someone trustworthy...nope!

the closer you two get, the more sides he sees of you. the more sides he sees of you the more he begins to realize you're not just another bird to cage. his interest in you grows. it's almost maddening. he learns more and more about you from you, and other people and sources all while keeping him and his neighborhood out of sight. you don't need to know about them...not yet.

he loves how alive you are, mostly. you have free will, and you love doing things with it. you have hobbies and friends, and you keep in touch with family (even if you don't he finds that interesting too dw). he thinks you're lovely, and your eye would be lovelier if it was his. bonus points if you have some sort of eye deformity/birth defect (lazy eye, messed up pupil etc)

the stalking stops for a bit. everything seems calm. you feel like you can just live your life again, and everything feels like it's normal. you start going out again and having fun. you meet up with someone. what you didn't know, is that just because the letters and packages have stopped, doesn't mean he has.

one thing leads to another, and you receive a new letter. same cursive. same ink. same seal. you open it, to see pictures:

of you, and them. on the piece of paper nestled and folded in the envelope, written in cursive is a message: '𝓌𝒶𝓉𝒸𝒽 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻, 𝓃𝑒𝒾𝑔𝒽𝒷𝑜𝓇'

of course, just like he planned, you're back into his arms again. where you belonged. seeing you with someone else made him a little more sure of what kind of emotions he had for you. you were no different to howdy to him. that was clear now. you needed someone to keep you in line and in check, otherwise, you would wander off off of the face of the earth. that was not good. you wouldn't have to walk aimlessly for much longer. he would give you a purpose. you're too pathetic as you are now to be any use to him besides eye candy.

in the end, he realizes that he has to have you, by any means. you have to be his, under his wing, and make yourself useful like his other neighbors. like howdy. however you choose to do that is your choice, but what you don't have a choice in is having something to do with him. he will be in your life. either by shadow or memory. waking, or nightmare. he's content with both.

sooner or later, you and his 'other self' would become close enough for you to be invited to his house. you didn't question how big it was seeing as how you know he's a famous painter. nor did you question how many people lived with him. soon, the choice would have to be made. what will he do with you? will he keep you, or let you go free? only time will tell.

author’s note ⊹˚. ♡

thanks for the request, neighbor! first one i've had NOT using the anon thingy LOL. sorry if these are a bit too dark for your tastes, but i just had to put my two cents on how wally would handle you. i don't think he would see you any differently from how he sees howdy or barnaby. he wouldn't outright mistreat you, but i don't think this wally is really capable of love outside his obviously very warped sense of it. sorry! i was pulling from canon art to the au, this is just MY interpretation. feel free to disagree!

SIDENOTE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAY IT: these are supposed to be DARK. there are no romantic feelings implied here because i don't interpret this wally being able to feel that way for anyone in a healthy way. just had to get that off my chest. please do NOT interpret these as romantic or god forbid sexual. i WILL block you.

thanks for the support!

[raygirlramblings]

OK so I had enough interest in my new CLH AU concept to actually put it to paper so here we go :3

I call it 'Orphans of Eden' AU

What IF instead of being found and taken in by Alex after getting away from the military, Dolph is instead helped by Jade and Pey'j?

This AU takes more influence from beyond Good and Evil where Pey'j and Jade run a business while also taking in and caring for orphaned mutants in Eden. See Eden basically manufactures mutant kids to become labour for the city and most are raised in compounds. it's not a great life but the kids are fed and get basic schooling (and access to plenty of kids tv featuring our favourite limbless shill!). But mutants born with birth defects or who are considered 'worthless' tend to get quietly shuffled off to be 'disposed of'.

Jade and Pey'j are part of an underground network (maybe loosely connected to Holloway's group?) who 'steal' these vulnerable kids and care for them, then find the means to ship them out of Eden to safety. In the meantime Pey'j runs a small restaurant/take out place as a front to fund the care of these orphans (I'm thinking like a noodle shop or something, like Nikaido's gyoza shop in Dorohedoro). Jade makes a little cash on the side investigating Eden's crimes and doing freelance jobs for the rebellion.

So a younger Jade and Pey'j stumble on a passed out Dolph and take him in despite the fact Pey'j recognises him as a soldier. They nurse him back to health and invite him to stay with them (and help Pey'j out with the restaurant) until he can figure out what he wants to do. Dolph agrees having no real plans of his own, and starts to be shown the dark underbelly of Eden from a different perspective.

Dolph becomes the cool big brother to all the kids being fostered. He and Jade develop a dorky brother/sassy little sister relationship with Jade teaching him some basic life skills to help him on the rough Eden streets. Pey'j, seeing Dolph as a musclehead with no experience outside of the military takes on a more fatherly role, teaching Dolph basic restaurant skills. Dolph discovers a love for cooking and his ability to maintain his cool in tough situations makes him a great line cook. He still has to maintain a low profile to avoid Eden's police force so he stays back in the kitchen most of the time.

Thanks to his time with them Dolph discovers what it means to have a family network, and how to show compassion to the most downtrodden in society. The mutant kids adore him and he strives to be a role model and stay strong for them. It's not easy looking after little kids in a nightmarish corporate hellscape, but this Au would explore the trials and tribulations of finding enough to survive, using every skill and favour you have access to. That may involve taking on a few risks for the best rewards ;)

There also might be a side plot where Dolph is attempting to track down his mother using his new connections, trying to find out if he's truly an orphan.

So how do the other characters from the show fit into this AU? I'm still making links here and there but I have a few guidelines laid out.

Bullfrog - Still a badass assassin. He's generally doing his own thing but his stealth abilities and knowledge of Eden are vital in preparing safe routes for the orphans to get out. When it's time to ship one of the orphans to a new safe home Bullfrog is there as a personal bodyguard. Obviously the kids love him, though his visits are few and far between. He likes to brings the kids stories and gifts from his adventures ^0^

Rayman - Despite being Eden's number 1 poster boy Rayman is vital to the orphan's safety. Before Jade and Pey'j meet Dolph the pair manage to get the attention of Rayman thanks to Holloway and Bullfrog. Rayman is still very much invested in the wellbeing of Eden's youth and is horrified when Jade provides him photographic evidence of the cruelty subjected on mutants by Eden. Instead of going rogue however he instead becomes a double agent for the resistance. While maintaining his good standing with Eden he uses his connections from within to find pathways out of Eden for he kids, disguised as drug deals. Eden just think Ray is getting his weird fixes, but instead he's using similar networks to smuggle the kids out of the city with Bullfrog's help. It's tough as Eden is constantly breathing down his non-existent neck but Ray is determined to do right by the kids who look up to him. He keeps his distance from them and he and Jade communicate through codenames.

Holloway - While not directly involved with the orphanage Marcus finds Jade's espionage and investigation skills invaluable. In return for information he assists her and Pey'j getting mutant kids out of Eden's clutches, and forwards them resources where he can. While Pey'j is super wary of him Jade sees Marcus as a valuable ally, and when Marcus finds out about Dolph he becomes even more invested in the potential of having an ex-Eden cyborg on their side to take down the powers that be.

I haven't figured out much else beyond this yet, but obviously if anyone has input I'd love to hear it!

Keep in mind this would take place earlier than the show timeline, at the point where Dolph would have met Alex and long before Sarah would form the Ghosts.

[dropthedemiurge]

Boys Be Brave [EP.5] // Translation notes

I'm back with my - I guess?? - already weekly analysis of something Gaga subs might've missed in this show. Because apparently, the silly show got deeper and I'm staying here until the very end :D

First of all, I was curious and checked whether there is anything about Kiseob's illness, and there is! There are two diagnoses:

상세불명의 심실중격결손 상세불명의 심방중격결손 Unspecified Ventricular Septal Defect, Unspecified Atrial Septal Defect

I am not a doctor definitely, but quick googling told me it's a heart defect (also called as 'a hole in the heart') which can have symptoms of heart malfunctioning. Which would! Explain even more! Why Kiseob has wrist watch that always measures his pulse and why on several occasions he was wondering why his heart was beating so fast next to Jinwoo (well, one for obvious reasons and another one is this).

And it's something you have since birth so he's been dealing with medication his entire life. Which would also explain further - after the scene with his sister - why the urge to be a people pleaser is so serious and so ingrained in him.

Another interesting language detail I noticed in this scene. Kiseob says "That's why I just agree to anything" but it doesn't translate well to english, because the verb 좋아/좋아해 can mean "I like" (eating medicine) and "I like (the idea)/I agree". So first he started lying that yes, he likes taking medicine, and that transferred to him saying that yes, he likes this, he agrees with this (whatever that is, anything he is proposed with)

"I cannot like anyone, right?" "Why not? You're a bastard with a lot of money"

This phrase references all the previous phrases that other people used to describe Kiseob, but Balgeum doesn't sense the real problem of his friend because the phrasing is general, it can also mean 'I have no chance of loving someone', and that's why Balegum thinks it's just Kiseob having low self-esteem or something. And also to him having money = being able to love, letting himself confess and date the one he loves, so of course, that's his answer. Kiseob has a lot of money, why wouldn't he confess to Jinwoo if he likes him?

But Kiseob can't because he doesn't even know his own feelings, and everyone around tells him he doesn't have the ability to love someone.

"Giving me (toilet paper) as if I moved to a new house"

Now, I cannot be the only one thinking years ago why the hell Koreans give each other huge packages of toilet paper when they visit someone xD But this is also a cultural thing!

When your friends move to a new house, you are supposed to come with gifts and usually with very practical ones, like toilet paper (very common gift). Rich friends can give you coffee machines or humidifiers or something like that. In my country, when you visit friends (not moving houses but still), you usually bring some desserts or food to have with tea. So for some countries, toilet paper is a norm :D

Balgeum has been living in his small apartment for a long time but it's the first time Inho visits his house so he's giving it a gesture of respect (but still an awkward one).

[Interrupting my broadcast to scream about cuteness and awkwardness of Balgeum x Inho AAAAAHHHHH Now back to the schedule]

...No, we will definitely focus on scribbling over Jung Kiseob's name for 100th time, absolutely distracted from any historical knowledge going in the background ^^

Oh! By the way! I remember being surprised that, apparently, some people on social media were uncomfortable with Kiseob seemingly 'feminizing' himself to be likeable by Jinwoo. Let me tell you that no, Kiseob doesn't do that at all!

There is nothing truly that indicated that he wants to be a ideal girl for Jinwoo (who has non-gendered perfect type list as I mentioned in my previous translation notes post!). He doesn't even use typical school-girl aegyo on Jinwoo (aka acting cute), maybe a tiny bit but it's not typical and it's not usually in his language at all. He talks gently and softly a lot! But he doesn't add typical cuteness in the way he talks (like there's no pouting, mumbling words and ending sentences with -ung).

I talked about dress = one-piece = jumper suit being the same in Korean but Kiseob literally only follows what Jinwoo wrote about a person he likes (not girl). As I described it, "he's using loopholes in Jinwoo's specific list in a true himbo way" :D He doesn't really do anything girly and doesn't pretend to be a girl as I can sense.

And I don't think I need to clarify another time, but falling in love during first snow/first sight is one of Jinwoo's list. Which Kiseob already fulfilled but he doesn't know that, and he just saw Jinwoo being with Hyejin witnessing first snow, which was the last straw for him to admit his failure and give up pursuing Jinwoo.

By the way, Koreans really think the first snowfall is a romantic event, like there are saying you'll fall in love with/be happy dating with someone you'll be with during first snow^^ It comes up in many Kdramas.