#or feel ashamed for being men/masc

[genderqueerdykes]

i love you so much i love the way u talk abt trans men and our struggles i makes me feel so seen especially bc youre older than me, i want to be understood , keep posting please

THANK YOU !!

i appreciate that. i feel like nobody (aside from some very cool bloggers on here) is advocating for trans men anymore. like unless its a trans man talking about these issues, it just doesn't happen. nobody advocates on our behalf for the most part. everyone just leaves us to the weeds. we have to help each other because most people just don't even understand what trans men and mascs want. like it's absolutely positively insanity inducing

when i was in college, at my pride group, there were just. no conversations about trans men. at all. in fact. at the time i was beginning to realize i was a trans man but i couldn't find support or acknowledgement of transmasculinity anywhere. whenever i would participate in the conferences, and large group meetings for LGBTQ communities in our part of the country... I was forced into queer women's groups. i did not identify as a woman or bigender at that time. i asked them where a female-to-male genderqueer person should go, and they put me in every queer women's group. i was not being considered trans. i was being viewed as a cis butch lesbian.

i was fucking pissed.

i learned the word transgender and what it meant and the example that was given was male to female, which was informative. i heard a lot of things about feminine transition, drag queens, cis gay male culture, bisexuality, pansexuality, and even asexuality. i want you to know that my college's pride group in 2011 - 2012 was more accepting of asexual people than trans men, which is insane for that time frame. i was actually allowed to help with a presentation on asexuality

i had to go online and research trans men, though. there were none to be found in the group that were at least out and able to talk to each other. we were all very stealth and nervous. my long term friends there ended up being gay men, lesbians, and a transfem agender person. i never met a single trans man there. it was heartbreaking.

i am tired of participating in transmasculine silence. i will not participate in self-erasure. trans men are trans. we're men. we're mascs. we NEED support, community, and care. we need to learn how to access transition resources, to comfort each other, to laugh with each other, to help each other find what clothes make us feel like ourselves, to say each other's names and pronouns, to see one's self in the other.

we need people who will protect us from misgendering. we need to be able to talk about our unique issues. we need to be able to talk about how yes, we experience misogyny, but also that transandrophobia is literally a thing. we need people who will stand up for femme trans men and gay trans men. we need people who understand that it's not okay to call every single trans man a confused butch lesbian and assume that they're a queer cis woman. trans men can be butch lesbians and that's okay. but you can't rip away a trans man's manhood for the sake of being a catty asshole. it's misgendering. it's transphobia. care about being transphobic. transphobia hurts all trans people no matter where it's directed. we all lose when you opt to deny trans men and mascs the right to community.

i am transmasculine. i am a trans man. i love being a trans man. i'm not ashamed. i'm not going back in the closet. i love my transmasculine brothers and siblings. i will not silence them. silencing them is a disservice to us all. i refuse to do that to us.

thank you for sending this ask. stay safe, take care of yourself, you're an important part of the LGBTQ community, don't let anyone take that from you.

[ugly-anarchist]

Anti-masculinity as I describe it isn't supposed to be this systemic model of oppression that labels x group over here as the oppressor of y group. It's about the beliefs that people hold and the way they influence certain groups of queer people. It's more about lateral mistreatment within the queer community then it is systemic oppression or privilege. It's a unifying label of experiences. And yes... Anti-femininity exists too. Of course it does. Why the fuck are people claiming it doesn't?

Anti-masculinity is the belief that men, masculinity, or having traits that people perceive as masculine makes someone inherently predatory, abusive, or perverted. Anti-masculinity can also come in the form of forcing people into specific masculine gender roles.

Examples of anti-masculinity are: Trans men being told they're transitioning to the "problematic" gender. Trans women who don't pass being labeled as predatory and scary. Intersex people with hyperandrogenism being told their high T levels make them a threat to fem people. Butch sapphics, especially those who take T, being called traitors to their gender and forced out of sapphic spaces. Amab or masc nonbinary people who aren't accepted into "women and nonbinary" spaces because they are seen as too masculine. Bi women who like men being ostracized from sapphic spaces because "no one wants to kiss a mouth that has had a dick in it".

These people, with a variety of different labels and experiences, have a unifying experience of being targeted for traits that are seen as masculine and therefore bad. Masculinity is often seen as the enemy of queerness and this impacts the way queer people are treated within the community. Again, this isn't about systemic oppression. It's about the unfair treatment that some queer people experience because masculinity is seen as inherently predatory and men are seen as the enemy.

Yes, you can claim or argue that anti-masculinity is "just X form of oppression" but all of the things I listed stem from a hatred of masculinity. All of this would be solved if we didn't view masculinity as the enemy.

And this isn't something that is perpetuated by a single group or community either. Again, it is lateral and often self-inflicted. Sometimes very literally. A lot of people internalize anti-masculinity and inflict it on themselves. They feel shame for liking men, being men, or looking masculine.

In order to be accepting of all queer people we need to unlearn anti-masculinity and judge others by their actions. Not the gender they identify as, how they present, or what physical traits they have that are out of their control. No one should feel bad or ashamed for who they're attracted to, what they look like, or what their gender is. I kind of thought that was the point of the queer community but apparently some people on tumblr have forgotten that.

[transwolfsmut]

CW. Force feminization followed by soft force masc, some intox. Older cis guy 4 younger trans guy; I imagine them as being around 45 and 22 but adjust as you please in your imagination.

This is an erotic fantasy. IRL I do not condone any way of disrespect towards trans bodies and identities; and I'm an adult trans man + gender fluid.

You've been for a while at the bar when you notice I've been watching you. You've come here on your own, unwinding after a though week. I've seen you have a cheeseburger and 2-3 beers while I drink some harder liquor. You are a cute boy and you catched my attention right away with your alt clothing, like you're trying very hard to look rugged and masc. I knew that you're trans, it's not my first time around you boys and I've never hidden how much I like your smaller hands, your curvy bodies, your chin fuzz, your masculine ways, your smell, your taste. You get startled when you notice you're being watched by a handsome middle aged man who smiles at you when you lock eyes with him. For a split second you feel this weird sense of opposing gender envy and sexual attraction, looking at my salt-and-pepper beard, the chiseled jawline, how good the shirt falls into my chest, the insinuated bulge in my jeans. The hairs of your nape stand and your eyes nervously go back to the remaining fries on your plate when you see me pick up my glass and walk towards you. I sit next to you and your heart is pounding.

I introduce myself and offer a hand to shake. You aren't the guy that is used to talking to strangers but there's something in my voice that makes you feel relaxed, almost hypnotized. You notice a tiny trans flag enamel pin on my denim jacket and you wonder if I'm trans or an ally- either way it makes you feel safe and start to relax around me. I offer to buy you a drink and when you ask for another beer I laugh a bit. "No, kid, you've gotta drink like a grown man." I ask for a couple more drinks, same of what I've been drinking before. I drink it down in a gulp and lock my eyes into yours, waiting for you to do the same. You do so, nervous. The liquor burns in your throat and warmth rushes beneath your skin. I smile, it's a pretty smile. I ruffle your hair. "There you are, my man." You blush. You didn't get annoyed at me ruffling your hair, it actually felt good to be petted like a good dog.

We go on talking and I go on getting you drunk. You know I am. You're getting dizzy, you laugh, you're enjoying the company, you finally feel relieved from the week's stress. Making a friend, that's something you didn't expect tonight. It feels good, the attention of an older man who actually shows interest in you, your chit chat about the stuff that you like. You lean your head on my shoulder for a second and then you jolt back to sitting straight, you've gotten too comfortable around me and feel ashamed. You don't even know if I'm into men, but you've felt kinda attracted to me. Is it the liquor? Is it the loneliness? Is it my musky scent, the protective aura around me? I grope your leg, a bit too close to your crotch. "Let's get somewhere more private." I suggest in a whisper. Your eyes widen, you blush and nod without looking at me.

I pay for the consumption and we leave the bar. "Are you out of your mind!?!?" Your brain screams at you, but you don't stop. You follow me into my car, you gasp when I lean into you and kiss you, you are melting at the way my beard tickles you and how I'm exploring the inside of your mouth with my tongue. I hold the hair of the back of your head brusquely and pull you away from me. "You ok with this, man?" I ask. You nod, speechless. I smile. "Fine, let's go home".

My place is nothing special, the small apartment you'd expect from a single man. I am groping your butt as I push you to the bedroom and into my bed. It's fluffy and comfortable. You'd happily sleep away the intoxication of the alcohol but I'm quickly on top of you and you realize my erection is rubbing on you bum. I lick your ear, and you roll on the bed to face me. "God, you're so handsome" I compliment as my hand creeps down between your legs. I rub on your bits through the hard fabric of your denim pants, and in the moment you moan, I step away. You're a bit perplexed, then you see me strip away from my jacket and shirt and go to the nightstand to grab a joint I carefully pre-rolled before I left the house. "You don't mind?" I ask, while already blazing it up. You shrug. You've done pot before, maybe had some edibles, but that shit I'm smoking definitely smells stronger than anything you've had before. I offer the joint. You take it, smoke from it and cough violently. "Good boy" I say while I again caress the spot between your legs. You smoke some more and the movements of my hand get more pleasurable. You soon realize I'm rewarding you- the more you smoke, the better it feels down there. You're feeling so relaxed, it feels good to let your guard down. You let me strip you from your pants and I start eating you out. I'm careful to only lick your clit, I'm not going anywhere near your hole. I mean your dick. But it's so small I can't think of it as anything than a clit. I notice you're getting wet. You're too high to offer any resistance when I grab you and place you in the middle of the bed, undoing your shoes and taking away every piece of clothing except for your binder. I take off the remaining of my clothing and lean on you, rubbing my boner on your pubic area.

"You want it inside of you". I whisper in your ear. You gasp. "You do want it inside, don't you?" You nod, you shake your head, uncertain. "Oh, puppy, don't deny it. Your body knows." I tap on your bits and a sweet splotchy sound confirms you're soaking wet. "You wouldn't be so naturally lubed up if you didn't want it". My cock is teasing at your hole. "It wouldn't feel so good if you didn't need to be filled". It's just one inch of me going inside of you, parting your labia. "You wouldn't spread open like this if your body wasn't made for this." You moan, as you feel me slowly penetrate you. "Your body wouldn't have this precious hole if it wasn't meant to be filled with cock". You feel it moving inside you. You suddenly realized I never put on a condom, but you're so dazed by the alcohol, the weed and the pleasure to care. I catch up speed, going in and out of you. "You wouldn't enjoy cock in your pussy so much if you weren't made for this... To pleasure males". You open your mouth, you want to protest but only more moaning comes out as I rub your clit while pumping my penis inside of you. "Oh you wanna say something?" I pull out and force you to open your mouth and take my cock covered in your wetness. "Can you detect those? The taste of your vagina, the smell of my balls? The natural distinction of your body and mine?" You're choking on my cock the further into your mouth I push it and face fuck you while I extend a hand behind me to reach into your clit and rub it. It feels both pleasurable and degrading. "I'm gonna pull out and you will say Yes, Sir" I tell you. I wait for one more minute before I do so. You gasp for air, confused and dripping spit. "Yes, Sir" you hear your own voice reply, but it doesn't feel like your own. "Good girl" I whisper in your ear as I ram back inside your pussy and it clenches around my shaft, your hips move by mere instinct in reaction to my own movements.

You hear your voice moaning, and yet it doesn't seem like your own. You're making high pitched girly noises while some guy you met in a bar is fucking your cunt. Perhaps it's the anonymity of being strangers what's allowing you to show yourself like this. Perhaps it's all the booze and the weed that's brought down your defenses. Perhaps it was me who saw through a crack in your stoic mask and knew what you needed. Some good thick cock pumping away all the worries. Your mind is drifting away when I pull out from you, panting. We're not done yet, and you know it so you just remain on the bed. You see me take something out of a drawer.

"It's ok, my man. Let her have this." I tell you before ripping your binder with a pocket knife. I have quickly and masterfully picked up the fabric with one hand while I ran the blade with the other hand, making it slide between your boobs. Just a tiny and swift caress of the knife on the center of your chest, and it feels like I just cut through some energetic field of yours. You fall into the mattress, your binder now like an open vest revealing your tummy and your chest, your tits bouncing liberated from the restriction. You feel ashamed and free. How come? This opposing sensations clash in your brain and before you can even start to process it, I'm grabbing your tits and my mouth latches onto one of your nipples. I lick on your nipples- going back and forth between the right one and the left one- I'm making a circular motion with my hands that feel just right and then I suck on your nipples and press on your breasts as if I wanted to milk you. "You're just divine, sweet one. To be praised, to be corrupted. I want to do so many things to you." My voice is jumping between need and authority. I start to finger you, circling between using a single finger to press directly into your G spot, using two fingers to explore deeper and three of them to dilate your pussy before I use it again with my cock. "I know you're a boy but let's be honest, you're enjoying being my sweet girl. Don't you?" You nod. You obey when I make you take off what's left of your binder and and get on all fours. "Say you want this". My dick is pressing at your opening, my hands are making circles on your buttocks. "I want this." You confess in a whisper. "I need this". Your teeth tighten around your words, you're too ashamed to actually say how much you need this and it feels so good to finally admit it. "You're such a good girl" I say when my cock slides back into you and you gasp with pleasure, feeling it go as deeply as possible and poke at your cervix. It's a bit painful but you can take it. "You were made for this. Your body was made to take cock like this. It's ok. Your body knows it's female and it doesn't matter your mind is that of a man. It feels good to be bred." I grab your titties and milk them while I fuck you deeper and faster. "A horny, eager female boy that was desperate to serve his purpose, her purpose. To be filled with cock and please a real male man". You feel me making circles very deep inside of you feel your body twitch in pleasure like never before. "Say you're my girl." I'm stroking your clit with one hand, grabbing your hip with the other and giving you additional movement so my cock digs more aggressively into your cunt. "Say you are my girl." You're so close. Your legs are shaking and your body is dripping sweat. You feel your heartbeat deep inside your vagina. "Say you are my girl". You feel it coming from inside, this heat, this thundering wave. You raise your upper body from the mattress. I'm sort of kneeling and you're sitting on my thighs, my penis buried inside of you. Your hips bouncing up and down, taking the penetration desperate for release. "I'm your girl!" You are almost screaming. "I'll be a girl for you!" You cum. It's massive. A release like never before. You've squirted on me and soon you realize my own cum is dripping from your cunt. The sticky heat makes you shiver, and you feel me make a few more circular movements around your cervix before I pull out and my cock rests between your labia. You look downwards and see your own body. Your exposed breasts and my penis between your legs. It sort of looks like if it was your own dick. Your brain is confused. Your mind, your gender and your sex feel like static.

I push you softly down into the bed, I caress your hair. Your eyes close, and your body goes limp with drowsiness. You hear me walk to the bathroom and move some stuff there. I come to you and lead you to the bathroom where I have set up a small chair, where you now sit. I make you raise your head, holding your chin. I gaze into your face, still blushing from the intense sex. I comb your hair and start trimming it. You're so deep down into your subspace you just let me do whatever I want to your hair. I use an electric clipper and some scissors on you, like a soft caress. "A man like you deserves a good haircut" I whisper in your ear as you feel the hairs falling on your shoulders. "You'll make one lovely gentleman". You feel the cool air in your scalp, it's refreshing.

I lead you into the shower and let the warm water carry away the trimmed hairs away from your shoulders. Your body relaxes and feels safe as you allow me to bathe you, a certain sense of danger that was lingering from having a stranger do all those nasty things to you is washed away. You know you are safe with me. The smell of soap and stereotypical male scented shampoo fill your nosetrils. I take a bit too long to wash your genitals, rubbing my hand between your labia and making you tremble from the stimulation, but I stop as soon as I see you're getting too excited about it. I wrap you in a towel, and take you back into the bedroom. You are smiling goofily when I show you a mirror and let you look at your brand new haircut. It suits you fine. A rush of gender euphoria jolts up your spine, and your sense of gender is no longer mixed up. The smells of the bath, the haircut- you already feel more manly.

You see me grab some stuff from my clothes drawer and you look in awe as I hand you a brand new binder, much better than the one I just ripped while fucking you. You had forgotten about it, distracted by all the pleasure. "You wouldn't think I'd leave you without any means to flatten your chest, right? Go, on try it". A thought crosses your mind: did I just have a drawer full of binders in different sizes or have I been watching you for days or even weeks and calculated your size? Do I do this often to other trans guys? You shake the thought away and you put the binder on. It fits great. You put your shirt back on and just before pull your underwear up, I get close to you coming from behind, feral. You feel a pinch in your buttock. You turn around hastily and find out I've got an injection in my hand. Your eyes widen, confused; your heart starts racing, afraid. It lasts only a second because I show you a vial of testosterone. The fear becomes surprise and then exhilaration. I've just injected you T. You hadn't started before, this is the first time the hormone enters your body. You want to get angry at me for doing so without telling but you can't, you're just amazed as the possibility of changes open up in your mind. I turn around to deposit the vial and injection in a shelf and grab something more from my closet.

I stick my hand down your undies and you feel something different: I'm shoving a packer in between your legs. You didn't have one when you arrived at my place. "A man needs his own dick" I whisper as I pull my hand out to rub your new soft dick over your clothing. I push you to the wall and masturbate your new dick while grinding my own on you. "Maybe next time I'll fuck you in the ass, make you take it as men do". You moan, about to cum again. "That shot I gave you will make you insufferably horny. You'll have to get back to me, to this place, so you can get more of that T-juice and to get fucked... Who knows? Maybe one day I'll allow you to top me". I squish your balls and jerk you off strategically, you feel the packer pressing against your bits in just the perfect way so it feels like it's your own penis. "Will you come back?" You nod. I rub you faster and harder. "You're such a good boy". You cum. You surrender. You're mine. My girl. My boy. All of you. Mine.

[transmascposi]

[tw: very brief and vague mention of child sexual abuse]

this is not a positivity post.

---

i'm running this blog for trans masc / trans men positivity, but honestly, i've been struggling to be positive lately.

my most liked post is about gay trans men being attractive to other gay men. that post is super popular and made a lot of people feel better. yet i still feel disgusting and unwanted.

the people i like romantically and am sexually attracted to do not like me in those ways. the only people sexually interested in me are fetishizers and a few strange men who i do not find attractive, all these on grindr. no one has ever expressed any sexual interest in me that wouldn't come off as weird or creepy to me. i know only about two people who liked me romantically.

i have a group of gay friends (cis and nonbinary, none of them identify as trans) to whom all i'm attracted to (i've had a crush on two of them and still am kind of in love with one of them) and none of them are attracted to me. they all sleep with each other. i'm the only one with whom none of them slept with. i have very special connections with some of them and i have no reason to doubt our platonic bonds. i know they love me a lot. but i can't help but feel absolutely horrible and less than when i'm confronted with the reality of their sex lives (versus mine. i've never had sex. i'm almost 24.). i also get triggered very easily when confronted with this reality, likely because of my abandonment trauma and past child sexual abuse which wasn't severe but my therapist thinks it had an impact.

i recently stumbled upon a research about the lgbtq+ community and one of the topics studied was how much people with certain labels were attracted to other people with certain labels. trans men scored very very low with men attracted to men. gay men even had more sexual experience with cis women then with trans men!!

i'm so sorry to bring negativity to the followers of this blog but i find it harder and harder to be positive. i feel ashamed because of my lack of sexual experience, the lack of attention, i feel unwanted, unattractive, inferior. i feel like i don't belong. all because i'm a trans man.

[cass-foxx]

Why do you love him? // Tywin Lannister & Masc! Reader

Little note : This is platonic as for this one, Tywin is more seen as a father figure :] Also sorry in advance for any mistakes, English isn't my mother tongue haha. Hoping this will do better than on w*ttpad 0-0 I always use they/them pronouns for (Y/N) regardless of their gender.

Also I only read the first book and watched the show some time ago, therefore I apologise for any innacuracies.

~~~

Tyrion was jealous of (Y/N). The young wanderer was sitting next to Tywin Lannister, joyfully talking while eating. The father Lannister was listening to him, amused by the witty remarks of the young boy.

Tyrion refocused his attention on his food. Yes he was jealous. Since his lord father openly showed the world that he considered the young wanderer as his child and took them under his wing, Tyrion couldn't help but feel contempt towards the boy. Contempt he felt ashamed about since (Y/N) has actually been the only one treating him with respect and friendliness.

Tyrion's gaze went towards (Y/N) again. The news of them being taken under Tywin's wing has been so easily accepted. And who could blame them? The 18 years old boy was everything like a Lannister. Often they did relevant remarks that helped Tyrion's lord father during battle strategy, showing great knowledge about the battlefield and politics. The crimson colour of the Lannisters fits them perfectly and even with their small height, they had a certain charisma that made people respect them. Their sword skills were unmatched, truly impressive for their age and they had green eyes where little shades of gold could be seen when the sun shined through.

There was just one thing that screamed that (Y/N) would never be a true Lannister outside of their blood. It was their hair. Dark charming brown hair that looked as an oak's bark.

When Tyrion saw his lord father trying to repress a smile to (Y/N)'s observations, he left the table, not feeling hungry at all.

It was cold outside the tent, wind howling greatly. Tyrion walked, letting his little legs lead him where they wanted, unsure himself where to go.

He found an oak - what a coincidence - and decided to sit nearby. Nobody must have notice that he left except (Y/N) perhaps if they weren't too busy entertaining everyone in the tent with their japes.

As if to answer his question, Tyrion heard light footsteps coming towards him. "I saw you leaving and thought you might want this" said a friendly voice that could only belong to the wanderer. They were holding a loaf of bread, a gentle smile on their face. "No thank you. I am not hungry" replied Tyrion but his stomach growled, betraying him. 

"Reflex". (Y/N) threw the bread and Tyrion barely managed to catch it. No more words were exchanged but after a long eye contact, Tyrion decided to take a bite, reliving the hunger that was starting inside him. There was something behind (Y/N)'s green golden eyes that commanded Tyrion to eat.

After a moment where both men stared at each other, Tyrion decided to break the silence. "So what do you want?"

"Can't I just come because I wanted to provide you something to eat?"

"Yes you could but I can see that you want to ask me something. When it comes to hiding your excitement, you're not very good at it."

Indeed, (Y/N)'s legs were slightly trembling, betraying their intent as Tyrion pointed out.

"I was wondering if you have been able to guess what for." The boy sat down.

"No so please tell so we can be done with it."

"I want you to ask Tywin why he decided to take care of me"

Tyrion swallowed a piece of bread the wrong way and started couching.

"You want to do what? Do you seriously think that he will accept to tell me this?"

"He clearly won't but you're the only one who is intelligent enough to make Tywin admit something."

Tyrion could see a kind of desperation behind the wanderer's eyes. Yet pride was still seen throughout their expression.

"Well what do you want me to make him admit?" asked Tyrion

"I want to know if Tywin is taking care of me because he likes me or because he wants to use me."

This took Tyrion off-guard. He never thought of Tywin using the young boy for his own good yet it made much more sense than his lord father growing a heart. He realised how much his jealousy made him blind and felt even more stupid for it.

"I guess I could try to find out." He said slowly.

"Thank you Tyrion!" (Y/N) said joyfully. "Obviously this must have a price so tell me. What do you want to receive for such awful task?-"

"Actually... nothing."

"Naturally. Naturally... Wait what?" The boy looked at him in disbelief. Tyrion couldn't help but feel amused. It is not everyday that one can see (Y/N) taken off-guard.

"Nothing I said. I am actually curious as well." This was the truth. He wondered what the wanderer had that none of his siblings and him had to make his lord father grow so called affection.

"Should we do it now?" Tyrion asked

"Do it whenever you want. I can wait." They replied. They stood up and slightly bowed their head, a gesture that Tyrion had learned to understand over the months. It was their way to say thank you. The boy left and Tyrion took his time to finish his bread, not that excited to meet his lord father.

Once the bread finished, to what Tyrion made sure to eat slowly, he decided that what must be done must be done. He stood up and went towards Tywin's tent.

Inside, he realised how cold it has become outside. His father was standing there, watching a map set on the table. From the corner of his eye, he saw his son but acted as if no one came in. "Good evening father."

Tywin just nodded his head as a response.

"Everyone seem to keep talking about this wanderer. After all he is charismatic-"

"Witty and interesting." Tywin cut."Skip the compliments and go directly to your point."

"Aren't you worried that people may starts to ask questions?"

"Why would I? It's not like their opinions matter at all."

"One may wonder if you have soften over the years."

Tywin finally stopped looking at his map to directly stare at his son.

"One may wonder if Tywin Lannister softened so much to the extent that he should no longer be consider a danger to the others... Since, after all, he decided to show affection to a nobody."

His lord father straightened up, irritated. "Don't you dare-"

"Have you soften?"

"Shut up-"

"Have you gotten so soft that you started getting weak?!"

"Tyrion I told you to!-"

"Did the great Tywin Lannister had gotten so weak that he decided to take care of a random sheep-"

"It's because they remind me of your mother!"

Tyrion stopped, taken aback. He did expect many answers but that was not one of them. Tywin sat down, tired. Even when he looked like a tired old man, he still had this terrifying aura that commanded respect.

"They what?" Tyrion only managed to say.

"They remind me of your mother." Tywin repeated softer, done, as if admitting it have taken all his energy away. Tyrion sat down on a chair nearby, still not fully recovered from the shock. He still managed to crack a "That is disgusting".

"You know this is not what I meant" replied his lord father, irritated. He sighed before continuing "They have these little sparkles in their eyes that reminds me so much of her."

Tyrion listen attentively. He didn't know much about his mother and it wasn't every day that his lord father decided to talk about her.

He dared to ask "What do you mean by little sparkles?"

"They have this innocence and joyfulness. Exactly like her. They have this power to bring warmth to one just by speaking to them. Don't you dare say that this wrong because you know it damn well."

And indeed, Tyrion knew to what his father was referring to. (Y/N) was always able to make one feel loved. And this is why his lord father meant by the little sparkles. Because (Y/N) loves unconditionally. Unless you hurt them or the ones they care about, they will always treat you with respect and friendliness. A quality that usually means death but for some reasons, the boy has survived that long. This innocence to always see the best in others, even after seeing the worst of this world.

"I know it yes. Truly something rare."

Tywin didn't answer but his silence showed that he agreed.

"I like to believe that if she had been alive to be with you all...You would perhaps have the same view on this world than she did."

This was the second time that his father surprised him. This was a rare if not unique instance where his lord father seemed to have open his so called heart. It felt strange.

Tyrion decided that it was time to leave. He stood up and went towards the exit before stopping just in front of it. He then turned to face his father once again and said "I never, not even for one second, connected loving someone with being weak" before leaving the tent.

~~~

Hope you guys liked it and that Tywin and Tyrion weren't too ooc

[youremyheaven]

aww thankyou so much, you are the sweetest hehe <3

it absolutely is self care and like a ritual, it's arttt, you're your own greatest masterpiece. I hate the way some people try to make women feel ashamed for taking selfies or being attentive to their appearance, it's an act of self love. 🤍

I kinda hate the culture of it being considered 'cool' for women to be unbothered and uncaring of their looks- when half of the time the pioneers for that culture care a lot about their looks and heavily curate themselves to look effortless and natural if that makes sense. Like how the 'grunge aesthetic' isn't actually being literally grungy and dirty and rolling around in mud hajsdha, it's curated. It's okay to not care aas much about your looks too though like there are different ways to express beauty and self care, but it's like don't act as though it's somehow superior or means you're more intellectual.

Yes a little Venusian princess 💗 her dad and I are both heavily Venusian. He has Moon in Purvashadha exactly conjunct my Venus (ma chart ruler) & Mercury! We're kinda broke as a joke right now, but I always joke that we're gunna be rich one day because baby has a rich girl chart 💅🏼 like imagine a broke Purvaphalguni girl?? I'm sure they exist but like.. no, no, I simply won't have it. All in due time 👀💜

"it absolutely is self care and like a ritual, it's arttt, you're your own greatest masterpiece. I hate the way some people try to make women feel ashamed for taking selfies or being attentive to their appearance, it's an act of self love. 🤍"

i couldnt have said it better myself!! i think expecting women to fit into narrow definitions of modesty (some people define modesty as not being flashy or "tacky" and opting for a "simple" style) and "appropriate-ness" says volumes about how a beautiful woman enjoying her beauty triggers people. and its not just men, even women tear apart other women who seem to enjoy themselves.

"I kinda hate the culture of it being considered 'cool' for women to be unbothered and uncaring of their looks- when half of the time the pioneers for that culture care a lot about their looks and heavily curate themselves to look effortless and natural if that makes sense. Like how the 'grunge aesthetic' isn't actually being literally grungy and dirty and rolling around in mud hajsdha, it's curated. It's okay to not care aas much about your looks too though like there are different ways to express beauty and self care, but it's like don't act as though it's somehow superior or means you're more intellectual."

THIS. THIS.

ive been around soooo many people like this. i went to an all girls school for a while (bad idea) and all my friends were tomboys/butch because they thought if u cared about fashion/style/makeup, u were an airhead bimbo 💀💀💀i felt sooo suffocated 😩😩in their midst as u can imagine 🥹it sux that so many women have been brainwashed into thinking that in order to be taken seriously or be "smart", you must present yourself as "edgy" or masc leaning.

"Yes a little Venusian princess 💗 her dad and I are both heavily Venusian. He has Moon in Purvashadha exactly conjunct my Venus (ma chart ruler) & Mercury! We're kinda broke as a joke right now, but I always joke that we're gunna be rich one day because baby has a rich girl chart 💅🏼 like imagine a broke Purvaphalguni girl?? I'm sure they exist but like.. no, no, I simply won't have it. All in due time 👀💜"

omg a Venusian family 🥺😩😩is sooo cuteee

you and her dad will create an abundant life for the little venus princess and for yourselves 💛💛i just feel it!! may God bless all of you with lasting prosperity and peace 💛💛

[sea-saur]

gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

[coffin-hopping]

something something I’m ashamed of being a masc man while simultaneously reeling from sexual abuse from another masc man and other masc men as well as women something something I don’t feel like a real man something something I can’t help but feel like my abuse took away my masculinity even though I know that’s wrong something something kill me please

[genderqueerdykes]

is it bad to be scared to start hrt?

i feel a little ashamed that i am. i try my hardest to be positive about all the things that make men & mascs masculine. i try to appreciate the parts that arent valued by society, like male pattern baldness, being fat, hairiness (love that part especially lol), etc.

but im 15, and i go back and fourth over whether or not i want to start testosterone. i had terrible cystic acne before i started acne medication, i have male pattern baldness on my dads side etc. im not a binary trans guy, so i kinda doubt ill be on it forever anyway if i DO wind up doing it, but its really scary to be told all the stuff that WILL make me a man when im… just a boy. that feels infantalizing but i suppose its true. im scared to be a man admittedly, im angry i never got to have a “true” boyhood because in currently at that age, and im scared of being thrust into it after not getting to be one. theres so much stuff about becoming “ugly” after starting testosterone. i know thats not true, logically, but ive faced so much bullying for not being pretty enough as an afab that i guess i still have that vanity embedded within me.

i feel ashamed for it, do you have any advice?

no, absolutely not- i think it's super reasonable to be scared to start HRT. it's a huge change, it affects your body and mentality in many different ways. it's a lot to take on at once especially considering there are permanent effects if taken for long enough at a high enough dose

i get why you'd be worried at that age. i didn't start HRT until i was in my early 20s. i think its okay to give yourself some time, especially considering you have some concerns about it potentially affecting your health. it would be ideal to find a way to get your blood tested for a few things- liver enzymes, red blood cell count, estrogen and testosterone levels, and so on. if you can't do that, it's understandable. i know it's not easy for someone your age to get a ride to a place like that discretely

is it possible to contact your dermatologist about your acne and see if they would be able to weigh in on that? baldness is a tricky thing. some people do bald but really late in life. some people don't. a lot of transmascs have their hairline recede by a few inches and then it usually stops. the nice thing about hair loss is there are medications that work very well that can help mitigate that. gender affirming care specialists or other doctors who prescribe testosterone are usually aware of the effects on scalp hair, and usually they'll help you test for high blood pressure, any issues like that

honestly i get where you're coming from here. i've seen this way too many times. people get pissed off about someone being a type of trans they don't like so they just bully the person until they consider detransitioning or never start transition at all, and then continue to mock and harass them anyway. i see this all the damn time and it bugs me like why would you do that to someone. who cares

people think it's ok to bully trans men & mascs right now because of all of the transandrophobia and antimasculism in general. testosterone doesn't make anyone "ugly", people are projecting their hatred of men and mascs on to a hormone that almost everyone produces naturally. it's just hateful senseless bullying. people think the younger the trans man/boy/masc is, the more valid they are to bully them.

it's okay to identify as a boy for as long as you need. you actually never have any obligation to adopt the label man if it doesn't fit you. many people identify as boys instead of men. some people are guys and not men. it's okay some people find they have to take their time to transition from boy to man. you're only 15 you are still a child, you don't have to worry about being a man for quite a while

it's definitely okay to feel conflicted and confused here. if you're able to, take time to yourself where you shut all that noise from other people out. if you're able to just ask yourself a few questions like why do i identify as a boy, what about it makes me happy, what kinds of things do i want to do in transition. just try to get a feel for what's going on so it makes it hard for people to get in your head

remember that when people attack you like this they're projecting something they deeply hate about themselves on to you. my therapist told me that last week and i thought i would just relay that. it's alright to be affected by it, but they really are just being assholes. it's good to be a trans man/boy/masc. transmasculinity is good. testosterone is good. testosterone saved my life. i'm glad to get up in the morning every day because i at least look and sound like myself. i love my body. i love the way i look. i'm stronger. i stand taller. my face is the right shape. my voice sounds right.

life is good

i hope you found any of this helpful. good luck, it's okay to feel guilt or shame for a bit. i did NOT want to come out as FtM for a VERY long time it was hard. i get it. take care of yourself, let me know if you have any more questions

[tallbluelady]

Since you mentioned height in regards to dancing in the Ala Mhigan Ball posts i got curious...

🦒 ---- How does your muse feel about height? Do they like their height or are they ashamed of it?

So Rowan is max Fem Elezen, which is just shy of 50 Masc Elezen. So she's about as tall as most Elezen men, or at least as most Elezen NPCs.

Rowan definitely ends up slouching a lot at the start of her journey in one part of her shyness and in one part to mask her height. She doesn't necessarily want to intimidate everyone she meets, and she knows height plays a big role in that. She does get a kick out of being about as tall as Gauis van Baelsar of all people (and maybe Zenos? I cannot recall how tall he is off the top of my head).

As far as dancing goes, I've taken enough social dance to have shorter leading partners than me. The physics get weird, but a lot of short men are really good at dancing. But if it's mismatched height and a not so skilled partner... yeah. I feel like Ishgard would be full of enough nobles that some wouldn't know how to dance.

Thanks for the ask!

[commodorecliche]

Relating to a post you made in 2018 about the joke of bi people being “unfortunately attracted to men” I wanted to thank you for that post, I’m a cis guy and I’ve been struggling with feeling like I can’t find the kind of love I want because I’m a guy and some of the stigma placed on that, so thanks for that post it helped be feel a little better about myself 💚

dude I am so thrilled that 5 years later, that post is still getting found by people who need it. I absolutely hate hate hate how men/masc folks, and therefore attraction to men/masc folks, is so demonized. Especially on tumblr. I'm bisexual, being attracted to men is literally part of my sexual orientation, I'm married to a cis man. I'm not going to be ashamed of that just cause it's en vogue to hate men right now. You are not bad or evil or terrible just cause you're a man!!! That's some bullshit TERF bioessentialist rhetoric and I'm not here for it.

[torialefay]

I reblogged my topic I was going to send here in case you didn't want to continue answering and furthering the concept about how lack of experience can affect the desirability of a person in sexual/romantic.

I'm 26, virgin, the last time I even kissed a guy was 5 years ago, never been in a long-term relationship and even though it is a HUGE insecurity of mine, I'm open about it on here because I have received a lot comments like-

'You're a virgin? your smut is so good and accurate, I thought you'd have loads of experience'

Which I love those comments, froth over them but I'm honest about my inexperience so ppl know I have no idea what the hell I'm writing about half the time.

But as a cis female, I do understand that it's more 'acceptable' for a woman to be 26 and have a lack of experience vs men to be 26 and have a lack of experience.

It's hard both ways- don't get me wrong because I know plenty of guys who are like...

'I don't want to be with someone who's a virgin because it's too much pressure to be someone's first'

Which for starters, how mediocre and effortless is your performance in the bedroom that you think it's 'too much pressure' to give someone a good time?

And secondly, I would argue and say there's less pressure because there's nothing for us to compare it too??

But as a female, I think we do get more sympathy about being a late-bloomer because 'she's a romantic, she's waiting until marriage, sex is more intimate for her etc etc'.

Whereas most the time when a guy is inexperienced, ppl are going to be like 'why? You're a guy, just go fuck whoever- unless you're a creep or incel wtf?'

But it's double edged because most ppl don't want to be with someone who's inexperienced but how are we meant to gain experience?

And then there's the whole other topic of a women being sexually rejected by a man and the stigma surrounding that-

Women are tend to be told that men will take all offers of sex and has someone who has been sexually rejected (more than once) by guys- I can safely say it's a level of humiliation that you don't find anywhere else.

In summary, as a demisexual 26 year old inexperienced female, pls give us a chance because most of us are eager and willing to learn and are just excited about fkn getting chosen by someone in all honesty.

i think it's okay to post about it as long as it's informational and isn't coming for anyone 😭😂 and i think this is an important topic because there definitely are people on this platform who also haven't had sex before & i think it's good for them to know that it's actually pretty normal. i have friends who haven't slept with anyone, and they're in their mid-twenties as well.

i also have friends who have liked & disliked that they were "virgins"... sometimes i struggle with the word bc i think it can have a negative or weird connotation sometimes, but i'm gonna use it for now anyways. there are some people who like the feeling of knowing they're gonna be the first dick inside of you/first person to do something to you (as if you've never used a toy or fingers before but whatever), and there are definitely people who don't give af about you & assume you want your first experience to be with someone more "special" than them. there's a wide range of responses to someone who openly says that they are a virgin.

i don't think most realize just how many people there are around our age who actually haven't slept with anyone... because they simply don't talk about it or have been made to feel weird or ashamed. my heart breaks over that sometimes bc some people simply want it out of curiosity, but others only want it to say they've done it or to not feel "weird" about themselves... or feeling "different" i guess.

i do think i've met more fem people who need an emotional connection before experiencing sexual attraction to a person... but i think there are plenty of masc people who feel this way as well, but it's been pushed on them that they SHOULD have the urge to fuck. and here's the same: it is so fucking hard & backwards to get into a relationship these days. i've read some studies that have projected that only about 60% of people in our age range & below will end up in relationships and be with that person long term/to the point of marriage... people have a dating problem & a commitment problem and that makes it a lot harder for some people to have sex or even want to have sex. even for me, i've only slept with people i've been in relationships with... but at this point in society, i genuinely don't know if i'll ever be in a meaningful relationship again sooooo ig you know what that means 🥲

point blank, there are tons of people out there, fem and masc, who haven't had sex. most of them just don't talk about it. and i don't think it's anything that anyone should be shamed for- regardless of the gender they identify as. plus, there will be plenty of people who are great at sex their first time, and plenty who aren't. some potential partners don't want to risk it as not being "great" their first time & that could contribute to saying no. but i would bet that there are plenty of people out there who would be just fine with it.

i hope you never have to feel alone in this. if people don't wanna fuck, that's not always on you. and please never feel like you have to be "chosen" bc a lot of these guys & gals choose sucky people for reasons we don't really know other than they think they'll insure a good time. i love youuuuu ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[bijoumikhawal]

Part of the problem with MLM fetishization discourse (mainly found onTwitter, but i see it here too), is that people see effeminacy and femininity in men itself as a fetish, and therefore can't be assed to understand actual issues we face with regard to sexuality

It's impossible to talk about fatphobia, underlying assumptions often related to white supremacist beauty standards, adultification, ageism, etc that feminine men experience because people are too busy getting in a tizzy over a guy wearing skirts in media. One of the big issues for me is hypersexualization- I was getting sexualized at a very young age for being what I am, it's a big issue historically, and a lot of media I could access when I was younger was basically just porn/erotica. And that porn/erotica was often like. Racist, it hypermasculinzed Blackness in comparison to white effeminates, and it only portrayed fem men as submissive bottoms (which isn't itself bad) whose effeminacy was humiliation, and submission was bc they're worth less than "real men"

And like, the joke is people are so focused on wether or not people writing femmes who bottom is bad (it's just a thing that happens irl) that you can't talk about anything else. It's also a form of hypersexualization. The only other thing ppl wanna discuss is "heteronormativity". Fiction where femmes are fucking isn't a bad thing with that being said, and desexualizing us is also a common homophobic thing to do, and tends to loop back to the "less than a real man" thing.

And like, "yaoi"/"BL" isn't the big driving factor in hypersexualization here. If nobody in the US knew what that was I still would've been getting hit on by men twice my age at 16 (who sometimes would loudly advertise their interest in femmes specifically, or more accurately, "femboys" and "tr*ps").

And honestly when you deal with just like- grown ass men looking at you that way, people moaning and bitching that the big concern for fetishization here is basically wether or not the character exists only deepens the shame felt from those interactions. I was made to feel uncomfortable and gross because my gender presentation was seen as sexual when I was a teenager, and all this shit does is go "yeah, it is sexual, when I look at people like you I think about sex and how the sex you have is bad". And part of my Ick with portrayals of femmes is that we're assumed as submissive bottoms because I'm not, but this is still deeply harmful to people that are because you're telling queers the way they fuck is morally wrong and you're instilling shame over it.

And like... actual fetishization for me is more often when femmes as objects of sexual desire are seen that way through a lens of "you're a faggot so you're beneath me, you should thank me when I call you slurs and do xyz, you're trash, shaving you so you have less body hair (so you look more feminine) is a punishment and symbolizes my superiority" because it's just intracommunity femmephobia/effemiphobia with a boner.

Its not that other things are non-issues but cis women clumsily writing a masc/femme dynamic is probably more likely to make me laugh than feel ashamed or disgusted, and instances of feminizing a character for bigotry reasons in fandom are less common than people complaining about effeminacy existing at all (including with femme transmasc characters, especially because usually those aren't being written by cis people). The actual things that have made me cringe with shame and disgust about cis women's view of feminine and effeminate men sexually are more difficult for me to unsnarl because I see it less often, and it's sometimes more visceral because while I was sexualized by men I was actually abused by women, but I'll be frank; those things usually aren't occurring in discussions about fandom.

When I get disgusted in fandom discussion isn't about femme characters existing at all, or top/bottom/switch- they're about people acting like writing romance/erotica about men fucking is the sacred right of cis women and any discussion about equity in publishing means you're attacking fandom when they're two different things, and that that right is more important than the fact that queer men can struggle to get published in romance- and subsequent issues with poverty. Or the insistence that to be fetishized you need to be a woman because fetishization is stored in the pussy (revealing they haven't thought about racism in the romance genre, and don't think about trans women). Its about queer men in fandom writing smut and getting harassed by women who write the exact same type of it because the way they do it is somehow bad. It's about my sexuality being seen as piece of land to fight over, that I'm not supposed to be on, not writing about men in fishnets.

[intersexfairy]

i wanted to share some good transmasc news! in a little over 2 weeks (17 days but who’s counting?) i will start t!!!

and i wanted to thank you for your openness and love for men + masculinity, as that has helped me so much. you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. there is nothing wrong with masculinity. being masculine is (in my opinion) one of the most beautiful qualities that someone can have

being masculine has been both freeing and like a safety blanket for me. being masculine should never exclude you from receiving kindness and compassion.

<3

what oh my gosh im so proud of you!! much luck and joy on your T journey!! <3 it means so much to me that my openness has helped you... like seriously that kind of thing is one of the best things u could tell me as a blog-owner. thank you for reminding me of the beauty and joy in masculinity... i think, part of why i get so upset, is that i feel like im not allowed to experience that beauty and joy. i see it, i see it in other queer men and mascs... but when i want to experience myself, i just feel so ashamed.

but, i have been using masculinity as a safety blanket - as a trans person but also as an intersex person. i.. i used to think i should resent my masculine expression for that. but there's nothing wrong with it for being safer than femininity for me. like.. i don't condemn my femininity for being unsafe for me (altho i am very dysphoric about my femininity)... why should i condemn my masculinity for being safe for me? that.. doesn't make sense.

... i want to enjoy both sides of my gender ... thank you for sending this ask. i didnt realize how much i needed to hear it, it really prompted my thinking here in a positive way.

[crowsblogs]

I feel like my story with accepting I'm a lesbian is a tricky one, and it only took until mid/late last year to truely accept. I came out at the age of 10 or 11, telling my mom I liked both girls and boys, but she told me I was too young to *choose* that. I came out about two more times over the next year or so, and when I was 12 or 13 I came out to her as transgender (male), and she automatically didn't fully accept it. She told me I was too young and I didn't really KNOW. Well, I wrote her a letter about it and she talked to my uncle's (married, who are gay) for advice, but they really couldn't give any. She accepted it, but it was hard for her. She didn't really use he/him pronouns and also didn't really try using my preferred name, but did make attempts.

When I was 15 I told my therapist that I was being abused by my father, and my mom had been told as it had to be reported. She then thought the only reason I wanted to be a boy was because of the abuse, but it took another year and seeing a doctor to get onto testosterone to tell her otherwise. Around that time I had been friends with/dating a guy that we were not compatible at all with, we were horrible for each other and nothing would've worked out, so my mental health was at a bad low. I identified as gay to bisexual, I think I was too scared of coming to say I only liked girls because that person had also been transmale, and I didn't want him to assume I saw him as female, which I never did. A part of me was also too scared to admit it because, my mom didnt really see me as male, and I didn't want to let her further down by saying I only liked girls. It was hard, I felt as if, even if I didn't identify as male, I still had to like guys.

At 16 I started testosterone hrt. At 18, my mom died. A lot of shit happened and I couldn't handle life basically. I continued to say I was bisexual to gay and then identify then as transmasculine non-binary around 18 as well. Again, I was too ashamed to admit I like only females, also because I absolutely loved male fictional characters (so that had to make me gay mlm, right?)

Then in 2022 I realized I'm not transmale, and that's okay, it's how I thought I identified and that's valid, but I did identify as masc nonbinary. Then I tried to accept that I loved only girls, but I was ashamed because I didn't want to let anyone down by liking them, so I went and said I was bisexual so it'd seem "better." (I also do not care what's in their pants, as long as they identify as female. So yes ily nb and transfems <3 I prefer personality and actions more than anything.)

Something happened late 2023, I'm not sure what, but I set in the fact I'm a lesbian (and also genderfluid). I felt shame, but I have amazing friends who keep me solid, and also joked about being a lesbian. I never had such a strong friend support system before, and they all mean the world to me. I still feel like I'm letting people down by not liking men, but I'm happy now. My little genderfluid and lesbian self can't be happier.

It took a LONG time, but I'm glad.

Thank you for coming to my book reading lol.

[baasphemous]

Back at it with Gender Thoughts™️.

I have had a lot in my brain lately. Im thinking i am more of a gender anarchist, in that i often feel like its performative. I dunno if its the autism or what, but i dunno, my tolerance for people allergic to the word “queer” is getting lower. Same with super binary trans people. Live your bliss and i will respect you despite not understanding it, it just couldnt be me. It just feels like going along with a system to please others, and gender feels so much more expansive than that.

I have found trans folks who are ashamed of their transness/want so much to be cis/view it as a curse are just as trapped in the binary as the rest of people and i dunno, it all feels so arbitrary and not rooted in happiness, like theyre just circling back round to the thing that made them miserable to begin with. I guess if it makes them happy thats all that matters, but the amount of trans men i have been around that freak out about passing feels weird. Passing feels weird as a concept. Maybe ill read this post in the future and shake my head about it, but i promise im not trying to criticize anyone happy in their skin.

I have been thinking a while about using a different name, but i fought so hard to land on mortimer that doing that fight all over again just feels overwhelming. Dont get me wrong, i dont hate mortimer, i just chose it under the impression that i was a man and the more i keep thinking the more i think i am more of a trans masc butch (if i had to choose labels).

I was thinking of lovell as a name but again the process seems so hard to start. I have been mortimer for like 14 years now (legally) i believe and thats such a long time to turn around and change it again. But i am interested and its been floating around in my brain for months now and only really started talking about it a few days ago.

I dunno. We will see i guess. I’ll still answer to pup/puppy for anyone still wondering. I just might try on lovell/love for the time being.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.