ugly-anarchist

[ugly-anarchist]

Firstly, don't call me bro

Secondly, no the fuck I didn't? Do you think they just sit kids down and calmly explain exactly what autism is? Do you think they told me anything? Because they didn't. Neither I nor my mother had autism explained to us. No one told me "yeah you act this way because you're autistic"

I was told I was autistic with the same severity that one gets told they have cancer and then severely punished for any and all autistic behaviors I displayed with no explanation. I was not told why I was being punished, just that there was something inherently wrong with me that needed to be changed. There was no distinction between "bad behavior" and "autistic tendencies". I believed that I was a freak, not because I was autistic, I just thought I was Like That. Only in my adulthood did I start to understand what were autistic traits and exactly what they were trying to do to me and why I was being punished.

The system that I was a victim of relies on keeping kids ignorant of what autism actually is specifically to instill this feeling of "these things I do are a personal moral failing on my part" and "I am being punished because I am bad"

Knowing you're autistic isn't this magic knowledge that instantly makes you see everything clearly. If you aren't told exactly what autism even is then it doesn't matter that you got a diagnosis, because you still don't know what the fuck is wrong with you and you assume that everything wrong with you is just a personal failing on your part!

These experiences are not based on whether or not you have a diagnosis it's based on individual situations and whether or not you're lucky enough to encounter medical professionals that don't treat you like shit!

The thing about growing up with undiagnosed autism is that you’re a bad kid. And you don’t know how to stop being a bad kid. But you’re pedantic, you hate hugs, you’d rather be alone than attend a family gathering, you play by yourself instead of with friends or family, you make mealtime impossible, you can’t even look your parents in the face, you lie to get out of going to school and when you’re there you complete your assignments correctly but in a way that is somehow inherently wrong. You’re wrong. There is something wrong with you and you can’t identify it or fix it. You can’t begin to explain it. You pull for justifications and apologies. You were a bad kid and there was nothing you could do to be better.

[ugly-anarchist]

Things I will never forgive my mother for:

Laughing at me when I told her I just tried to comit suicide and then refusing to take me to the hospital when I asked, forcing me to literally Beg For My Life

When I was a child she told me she hated me because I refused to continue to go to therapy after my therapist had literally kicked me in the stomach. She later told me she kept making me go to therapy because she "didn't want to let me win", whatever the fuck that means

Told me my father was a hypochondriac who made himself sick after he literally Died From An Illness

Told me my father died because he was "too worried about me" so his heart gave out

Opened my mail and hid my stimulus check from me for months because my brother didn't get one despite the fact that in the first round of checks he got one and I didn't and she didn't have a problem with it

When I was in the psych ward after my second suicide attempt and I asked her how things were at home hoping she'd say something like "I miss you" all she could talk about was how much more peaceful it was without me there and how happy she was that she didn't have to feed me

Every single time I tell her about someone who did something horrible to me she says something along the lines of "are you sure it was that bad? I'm not sure what you want me to say here, I wasn't there to see it so I'm not taking sides."

Destroyed my birthday cake (the first one I had ever gotten that was custom decorated) and when I was like "look what you did" she was like "I can never do anything right to you" and "You're so self righteous" and other such phrases

Also on my birthday, upon handing me my gift, was like "before you open it, since everyone is here, I'm just gonna call a family meeting. I want everyone here to know that we're gonna be pretty tight financially this month, okay?" and when I was like "can you not" she was like "yeah sure I'll just never talk about my financial worries with you ever again. I'm so glad you can live without hearing about that kind of stuff"

I asked her to please stop taking her anger out on me when she comes home from work and her response was, I kid you not, "well what am I supposed to do? Bottling it up inside isn't good for me!"

Accused me of making porn as a teenager for a load of different reasons, including but not limited to: Buying a skirt, buying a bra that wasn't a sports bra, buying underwear that wasn't boxers, changing my bedsheets, buying makeup, and cleaning my room

Telling me repeatedly throughout my teenage years that she couldn't wait for me to be an adult so that she could stop being my parent

Constantly telling me that I'm "just overwhelmed" every time I experience a negative emotion

Taking the side of my shitty therapist who told me he wasn't sure if I was "aware enough to give consent" for gender affirming care because of my autism

[ugly-anarchist]

I was diagnosed as a child, I had the exact same experience growing up.

The problem here is that you're painting a pretty universal autistic experience as something that only "undiagnosed" autistics experience instead of the reality which is that you got lucky. You got lucky that upon getting a diagnosis you got the help you needed instead of the horrific abuse that I associate an autism diagnosis with.

There are some people who got help and accomodations without a diagnosis but you don't see that labeled as the universal undiagnosed experience.

I need you people to stop claiming random, generically autistic experiences as "the undiagnosed experience". It's so invalidating and makes it out like you think people who were diagnosed earlier had it easy.

I am begging you people to realize that just because your situation got better upon getting a diagnosis doesn't mean that early diagnosed autistics didn't experience the same things as you. For the most part, there is not that big of a difference between the undiagnosed and the early diagnosed autistic experience. The differences lie in individual circumstances more than anything.

The thing about growing up with undiagnosed autism is that you’re a bad kid. And you don’t know how to stop being a bad kid. But you’re pedantic, you hate hugs, you’d rather be alone than attend a family gathering, you play by yourself instead of with friends or family, you make mealtime impossible, you can’t even look your parents in the face, you lie to get out of going to school and when you’re there you complete your assignments correctly but in a way that is somehow inherently wrong. You’re wrong. There is something wrong with you and you can’t identify it or fix it. You can’t begin to explain it. You pull for justifications and apologies. You were a bad kid and there was nothing you could do to be better.

[ugly-anarchist]

Cishet alloaro men are queer, actually

[ugly-anarchist]

Hmmm... fascinating

[ugly-anarchist]

Growing up in a "teasing to show affection" household when you have rejection sensitive dysphoria is akin to torture

[ugly-anarchist]

So anyways if you think being "brain intersex" is real or if you think being trans is caused by neurodivergence then you suck, actually

[ugly-anarchist]

Things I hate number 1,287,945:

When people call acts of violence against intersex people "exorsexism"

[ugly-anarchist]

I hate it when people try to "gotcha" you for the stupidest shit on the planet

I'm like "yeah I don't like this food" and someone will be like "but you ate it in this food over here, so clearly you like it more than you say you do" and the food in question has been buried under four other flavors that completely cover the taste of the one thing I don't like and I'm just like yeah, weirdly enough when I can't taste the thing I dislike I'm fine with eating it? That doesn't mean I don't hate the taste?

[ugly-anarchist]

This is all the same person btw

Self proclaimed TME people stop being intersexist challenge: Impossible

[ugly-anarchist]

I think it's weird how some people will gleefully insult the appearance of transmascs who transition, making fun of their masculine traits and implying that they're ugly/gross for looking like men now, and then these same people will turn around and insult the "never T, non transitioning, theyfabs" like...

So you just don't want us to exist, right? You want us to stop existing period? You insult us and imply we're doing something wrong if we transition or if we don't, so what's the correct answer? What do you want from us? You can't claim to be a trans ally or not transphobic and then be hostile to the mere existence of trans men, transmascs, and trans people who were AFAB.

[ugly-anarchist]

One of my posts has achieved a very satisfying spread of notes

[ugly-anarchist]

I'm intersex, but only came to understand this about myself recently so please forgive me if this comes off ignorantly. I am wondering about how to navigate my own identity, because I identified with the sexual characteristics I had prior to being hormonally altered and transitioned with testosterone to reachieve the features I felt I should have had in the first place. I've been in this sense of conflict because while I understand that intersexuality as a whole is not *explicitly* another sex since there are so many different variations, I guess what I'm wondering is if it's abnormal that I felt a need to return to that state? I'm much happier now and don't have gender dysphoria anymore, but I'm still trying to navigate my personal understanding of this condition that answers so much for why I felt so wrong for so long. (I have CAH)

It's completely normal to want your body to look like anything honestly, even if it doesn't align with a binary sex. It's especially normal for intersex people to want to return to their natural state after their body has been altered (usually against their will)

I've met intersex people who get dysphoria from their variations and I've also met intersex people who get euphoria from the natural state of their body and there's nothing wrong with either. It's your body and you can do what you want with it.

[ugly-anarchist]

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one calling out that intersexist bullshit. It seems like op won't back down but I'm glad most of the notes on that post are actively talking about why it's harmful 🫡

https://www.tumblr.com/queertothepoint/790880388206706688/identity-of-the-day

^ For context

It's so frustrating seeing people attempt to be educational on intersexuality, spread misinformation, then double down repeatedly and act like its the job of intersex people to correct them and hold their hand through the "learning process"

Like, if you need intersex people to guide you then don't make an "informational" post about intersex people in the first place? FFS

[ugly-anarchist]

I don't really identify with any specific gender tbh. I honestly use genderqueer/nonbinary/trans as more of a placeholder/closest match.

Like, I don't think I'm agender. There is definitely Gender in here. I just don't think there's a word for it? I can only feasibly describe my gender through an aesthetic like

My gender is the birth of Venus

My gender is pink nacre and abalone shells

My gender is a tide pool with crystal clear, cool water

My gender is an oversized blanket and a mountain of fluffy pillows on a California King bed

My gender is a statue of Aphrodite where the marble has been carved to look like sheer cloth

My gender is a bouquet of mountain-laurels

My gender is the reflection of the night sky on dark, still waters

My gender is rose gold jewelry and navy blue silk

My gender is all of this wrapped inside army green cargo pants and a black crop top with chipped black nail polish

Does this make sense? Am I painting a decent picture here?

[ugly-anarchist]

I saw your post with the one person and want to explain the DID transfem alters. In DID and OSDD, alters often time can have indentites that dont line up with or look wildly different from the body (I.e, transfems from afab systems, transmascs in amab systems, different skin tones, even just not being human, most common with fictives and factives), because alters are, in most cases, their own people. its not personalities, its different people split within a body, and we all have our own memories and experiences, and even can be a vareity of ages (as with littles, which are child alters)

This is actually a common thing, and people (mainly singlets) think this means the system is claiming they ARE that or can claim the opression from their headspace look. They CANNOT claim this and cannot claim to fully understand experiences, and its actually not a thing that happens often, its not a thing ive even seen in system spaces I've been in. Alters and fictives will even often change their name to not reflect cultrual differences between the headspace and body. Its an abelist strawman, and often is used to demonize and fakeclaim DID and OSDD systems, literally seen by the argument you had where DID was brought up randomly with no mention of it previously.

Its a recorded but often debated phenomenon, even within DID and OSDD spaces. We personally have alters with a wide vareity of indentites, from cis to trans to lesbian and gay. Its not brought up often, and most people will only specify with other systems when it matters as far as we're aware

I've had some friends throughout the years who were systems/in systems and yeah. I really wish people would leave DID/OSDD out of their arguments when they're clearly just using them in bad faith. It kind of reads as them being like "Look! These CRAZY, MENTALLY ILL people are using this label so it must be BAD!"

It's Weird.

[ugly-anarchist]

i hate how shinigami eyes flags you as not safe for trans people when you're literally queer and against terfs. like what the fuckkk

I FINALLY GOT MARKED RED

FUCK YEAH