#or anything beyond a mention

[trans-queen-administrator]

During the talk with Phir Sē, it comes up that he has a daughter when he tells Taylor about how keenly aware he is of what he could be sacrificing to kill Behemoth.

And it's very odd to me that she's a hero, when her father is one of the men so monstrous that he's used as evidence for why the PRT should stick around. It's almost like the stereotypical superhero show plot where the plucky protagonist hero learns their dad is Doctor Evilman or whatever, but this is Worm. Later in the conversation Phir Sē reveals that he sacrificed family before in a similar scenario

And I can't help but feel that him sacrificing his wife and sons is connected to his daughter being a hero? Like imagine being her, and seeing your dad refuse to save the rest of your family because of the greater good. He could effortlessly step backwards in time but he stands there while their corpses cool instead. That could definitely crack a rift between them and cause his daughter to join the heroes in a desperate attempt to prove that you can save everyone. Hell, I could even see her dad letting her family die being a trigger event. And she's specifically one of the bright and popular heroes, one of the campy flashy ones like Mouse Protector. How much of that is because she can't bear to let herself be anything less than the ideal of a hero, because she can't stomach the thought of being someone who has to make a sacrifice like her father? Phir Sē says he'll live the rest of his life down in his bunker mourning her if he fails, but I think he's already been doing that. He's been consumed by the guilt of who he left in the past and how that ruined his only tie left, and he wants to do something that justifies his existence. If he kills Behemoth, the world celebrates, people are saved, and maybe his daughter will talk to him again. If not, he keeps living as he always has, alone and crippled by the weight of his actions.

I wonder how he felt, in his last moments. The bomb didn't kill the Endbringer, and Behemoth hunted down his bunker and killed him. He had to have seen that it survived, and while maybe he didn't fail so hard he vaporized the country, he didn't redeem himself, he didn't save anyone. He'll never know that his actions weakened Behemoth enough for Scion to finish the job, from his perspective he lost. I wonder if his daughter survived, and if she knows what he did to tip the scales of the battle. Would she even mourn him, assuming he caused her trigger and she knows he let her family die?

He liked Weaver because she reminded him of himself with her ruthless pragmatism and ability to make the hard choices, while also reminding him of his daughter with her idealistic nature. I think he saw a version of himself in her, one that didn't end up isolated in a bunker with no family left. One that has hope and still kept the humanity he feels he lost. She talks to him about working together with others, communicating, and he doesn't think it's something that's possible, he thinks humanity is a "wretched, petty species" and that infighting and lack of coordination would prevail even against an Endbringer. And I think he's right in thinking Taylor is like a younger version of him, because that's exactly what happens during Gold Morning until she makes them work together. He would feel vindicated, seeing Khepri.

Honestly I really wish he survived, he's such an interesting character and I would love to see more of him beyond a single random Tohu face. Most of this is headcanon but like, I think it fits pretty well, so who knows maybe it's the intended subtext.

[rickybaby]

Daniel on what his 3 ins currently are, the sexiest coolest driver in F1 and his favourite Mario Kart character

[sparky-is-spiders]

Jonelias Week Day 1 (Which is definitely today I swear), for the prompt "No Powers AU"

This one... maybe got away from me. This is actually only the first half of what I've written so far, and probably the first third overall! I do plan to post this to Ao3 at some point (although I suspect I'll need to do a lengthy round of editing first lmao). It's some very self-indulgent nonsense, which is a lot of what I write, but now it's getting put in the main tags of a ship during said ship's event week. So. It may also be a little bit "aromantic dude tries to figure out what having a crush is supposed to be like." Also a lot of "dude who took Principals of Accounting once pretending it knows what office work is like." Anyway, quick warning before we begin, and the rest will be under the read-more:

Stalking (played for laughs) for most of the fic.

Just. A weird amount of obsession.

Ok that should be it I think. Fic under the cut.

Jon's new boss was, quite possibly, the most boring man in the world. He wore the same outfit every day (pale dress shirt with dark unpatterned tie and gray slacks and matching suit jacket). The only personal effect in his entire office was a potted plant on the windowsill (some sort of succulent, and definitely fake). He always arrived to work exactly half an hour early and left exactly half an hour late. The only hobby he appeared to show any interest in was scheduling, which he seemed to find both deeply engaging and remarkably irritating. In fact, he was apparently so opposed to the idea of mixing his work with his personal life that he might as well not have existed beyond the walls of their office. Jon had never been more fascinated by anyone else in his entire life.

It stared with the transfer to the accounting department. Elias had met with him personally to get him acclimated to his new role. He had been blandly polite, and blandly handsome, and Jon had stopped listening to him about five minutes into their conversation. It was probably bad form, really. The software Elias was droning on and on about sounded like it was about to become a central feature of his days. He really should've been paying attention to it. Instead, he pretended to make eye contact while zeroing in on the top of Bouchard's forehead (a very useful trick, really) and became inordinately focused on the small lock of hair that had fallen across it. It was terribly distracting, and Jon had wondered how he hadn't noticed it. And then he wondered how it had come to be there. And then he had built up an entire story involving a murder, an illicit affair with the assistant director of marketing, and the potted succulent. And then he had noticed Bouchard eying him with what could've been suspicion or amusement or irritation or nothing whatsoever, and had been forced to rapidly pretend to care about their company's bad debt expense policy. Bouchard had indulged him, and had spoken with the calm authority of someone who knew what they were talking about, and had even managed to avoid being overtly condescending (a feat forever out of Jon's reach). At the end he had shaken Jon's hand (with a nice, firm grip), and had told him "I'm looking forward to working with you, I'm sure you'll make a wonderful member of our team." Jon had left that meeting with a mind shrouded in a fog of boredom and a faint sensation of warmth which he decided was best attributed to curiosity and left otherwise unexamined. Over the next few weeks, Jon had tried to subtly inquire into Bouchard's life. At the time, he had been naively under the impression that surely he must have let slip something about his life; some odd quirk or funny story or harmless bit of information which could justify Jon's blooming curiosity. Unfortunately; "He lives in Chelsea, I'm pretty sure?" (Sasha) "He's currently in a meeting. Honestly Jon, you'll be better off just sending an email. Now can I please get back to work?" (Rosie, probably lying about the meeting) "He actually lives here in the office. Set up a cozy little home away from home in one of the storage closets and sneaks out at night to raid the canteen. And he's having an affair with the assistant director of marketing." (Tim, definitely lying (but maybe a mind reader? Also, full of brilliant ideas for places Jon could maybe set up a cot whenever he needs to stay overnight)) Clearly, Jon would have to take matters into his own hands if he wanted answers. That was fine. It could be his own private little research project.

Jon liked to think that the entire thing had actually been quite reasonable, and that he had acted within the bounds of their pre-established relationship as employee and supervisor. Surely any rational person had to realize that nobody could possibly be that uninteresting. Anyone would be curious as to what dark secrets Bouchard his behind his well-tailored suits and polite, professional demeanor. … perhaps most rational persons would not meticulously record the movements, behavior, and daily appearance of their colleague in a discreet notebook (with annotations, color-coding, and graphs where appropriate), but Jon had always prided himself on his dedication to research and understanding. So far Jon had collected frustratingly little data. If Bouchard was hiding anything, it wasn't apparent from his schedule (see pages 8-13, figure 2.b), his eating habits (see page 22), or his lone plant (see page five, figure 1.c). His breaks did seem specially timed to avoid other people (and he appeared not to engage in many social behaviors generally), but he never acted irritated or otherwise unhappy to encounter one of his subordinates, so Jon wasn't entirely sure if it was deliberate avoidance or simple coincidence. Really, the only truly odd thing about him was his inexplicable interest in Jon. That very morning, for example, Bouchard had stopped by his cubicle for a fifteen minute discussion on the upcoming Annual Team Luncheon, an event Jon had never attended before (due to an annual migraine which coincidentally always happened to occur on the exact date of the luncheon), which Jon did not plan to attend, and which honestly sounded like some sort of violation of the Geneva Convention. The topic itself was not especially odd (small talk was an archaic tradition which had stubbornly clung on in every workplace Jon had ever set foot in), but Bouchard's low propensity for inter-office socialization combined with the fact that he had both chosen Jon specifically as his conversational partner was… highly suspicious. Most people who encountered Jon inevitably concluded that he was more effort than he was worth (an attitude Jon mostly appreciated).

And of course, there had also been their interaction two days ago, when Elias had paused briefly to inquire as to whether Jon would be staying late, and what he was working on, and if he might perhaps consider heading home soon because there was only so much overtime they could pay him. Or on Friday, when he had managed to hold two separate conversations with Jon where very little was said. Honestly, Jon somewhat suspected that Elias had spoken to him more in the past few weeks than he had spoken to any of their colleagues for the entire time Jon had been there to observe him. Most of Jon's notes were now dedicated to their interactions. From his cot in the unused storage room (which was indeed a good place to stay overnight, thank you Tim), he could jot down everything he recalled about their interaction; it had begun at 8:32 and had concluded at 8:47; the weather was warm and slightly humid, although the office interior remained at a comfortable 21 °C. Bouchard's shirt had been a nice, cool gray, which complemented the silver of his eyes. Jon (who had been busy digging for his favorite pen (the ink was a lovely deep green color, and it was usually kept on the left side of the top desk drawer, and Jon had no idea where else it could have possibly gone)) had settled on "irritation" as his tone, which Bouchard either had not noticed or had not cared enough to acknowledge. He had easily dominated the conversation, and Jon could admit in the sanctity of his research journal that his voice had been soothing enough to cool away some of Jon's annoyance. He wrote his conclusion: Subject behaved near-identically in tone, posture, body language, and apparent mood as he has in all previous communications. Subject displayed no strong thoughts or opinions on subject of discussion nor conversational partner. Interaction was pleasant but slightly dull, no new information discovered. It was almost exactly the same as every previous conclusion. Jon had to admit, so many months with so little progress was… discouraging. He shifted on the narrow mattress and winced when his movements aggravated his backache (which was surely unrelated to his frequent occupancy of the cot). It was becoming more and more apparent that the only possible solution was to do some actual, direct investigation. His first idea (break into Bouchard's office) seemed a tad far (also, he didn't know how to pick locks). His second idea (follow him home) seemed a stretch further than the previous one, and was perhaps best saved as a last resort. His third idea (something something computers? (perhaps "idea" was a bit generous)) would almost certainly require Sasha, who would have questions Jon couldn't answer. He flipped idly through his notes, half-skimming, half-thinking. It was only when his gaze landed on figure 2.b, Weekly Schedule of E. Bouchard, that he actually came up with something reasonable. Something actionable.

[northern-passage]

Hello! I was curious... Do the coins in TNP have designs, or are they completely smooth? :0

they do! the gold Adranian coins (which is what Clementine has) have the symbol of the king/king's house which is the swooping hawk that we'll see Duncan wearing later. that's basically the royal sigil of Adrania, and we'll see wardens, soldiers, and other high-ranking politicians or wealthy Adranian families wearing it throughout the game.

silver coins have a merchant ship on them, and bronze coins have the moon on one side, and the sun on the other side (to represent the Wolfmother's children, but to avoid directly printing the image of a god on money). Gael is different in that their gold coin actually has a whale on it, since whaling and fishing is their main source of income (versus Adrania, which in the south has decent farming and functions as a massive trade hub between/with Gael and Yulan). their silver coins have a wolf on one side, sun and moon on the other (same reason as Adranian's have it on their bronze) and then Gaelish bronze coins just have a silhouette of the southern mountain range and sea stacks.

Gael also has whale bone coins and Yulan has shell coins, but those don't get traded with Adrania. only the metal coins, and that's just because gold is gold; it doesn't change much of the value, it's only aesthetics, and the flow of coins between Gael, Adrania, and Yulan (Adrania's main international trade partner) is vital for all three countries.

[akimojo]

i just saw someone call ffxiii overrated like? what?? it's literally one of the most hated games in the franchise wym "overrated" 😭

[ragnar0c]

I love how the anime adapts the expressions so fluidly. These brief moments were my favorite bits of the manga, a character reacting and they take time to show it…. The anime does it so much justice I pause to stare at each longer.

[majoris]

hi 🌚

[vaugarde]

people pearl clutching about preteens knowing what sex is is so wild as someone who was given the talk at age 6 because i asked my mom if she bought me from target’s secret baby compartment. and literally just took it like “oh okay. gross. :(“ being more sad that it affected my fantasy of being bought from target

[romance-rambles]

HOW THE BOYS PLAY LUDO WITH EACH OTHER AND YOU

rules of the game: the goal is to have your four tokens inside the your columns. your opponents can impede your progress by stepping onto the same square as you and sending you back to the homebase ("blocking"). in some variations, two dices may be used, and rules can differ even between related families—for example, getting another turn after blocking a token or after getting your own to homebase. it can accomodate only four solo players.

— pairing: [mostly platonic] modern-day love interests & little painter/you

— word count: 977

— tags: none

— author's note: it brings me great joy that ludo is an actual activity in the itinerary. for me, ludo has always been what monopoly is to other people—breaker of bonds, with at least one person liable to flip over the board. i have no idea if someone else has done this before, but enjoy!

return to lbc masterlist | series: none

would not harm anyone unless backed into a corner; alkaid

Alkaid is perhaps the most civilized player at the table. Even as the rest of his companions holler for him to block someone's advance, he will always choose the less bloody option, unless it is the only move he can make or if someone's win [not you] is all but guaranteed and everyone else is indisposed of at the moment.

He will always apologize as he offers the loser their token back, and gracefully accepts his own losses with a smile. His preference for teaming up is with you, and his second most common team up is Clarence. He believes yellow is his lucky color, as he often ends up on the board before his peers—though he usually sabotages the wins that are handed to him on a platter.

Most often, he lets Clarence explain his options for a turn and decides his choice based on what is most beneficial for you. This often results in Lars having to physically restrain himself from bashing his head into the table, since Alkaid's playstyle is in direct opposition of his.

knows which tokens are on the chopping block, only makes use of that knowledge if it can earn him another roll; ayn

Ayn is a very competitive player. He has his next moves decided before the dice are handed over to him, and can quickly recalculate his next actions if the roll is suboptimal. Mercy is not a word present in his vocabulary—if he notices an opening, he will make use of it, especially if it's against you, often resulting in almost everyone banding against him. However, he's already against everyone, so it doesn't bother him.

He doesn't like teaming up with people, but he does demand a game of having you on his team on occasion for "fairness". He also often complains about how long you and Alkaid take in terms of deciding how to move due to his own speed—and he's absolutely a sore loser, particularly if first place went to Lars.

His preferred color is red, and he often has some of the best luck—and often the worst, as he remains the only person to successfully get three rolls of double sixes more than once, which constitutes the end of his turn without any movement on his part.

self-sufficient and absolutely ruthless, often goes easy on you; cael

Cael can be accurately described as a mix of Alkaid and Ayn. He enjoys blocking tokens whenever he can, but unlike Ayn, he enjoys taunting his opponents and he refuses to touch your team whenever possible. Often times, like Alkaid, he has to be consoled if he ends up going against you—though his intentions are decidedly less pure.

His preference is to be paired with you whenever possible, but he often ends up paired with Lars—which you find morbidly funny. Like Godheim, they often clash due to their opposing stances. If the token in their way belongs to you, Ayn often adds them to his hitlist because they take up quite a bit of time in bickering over their next move.

His preferred color is blue. He is usually never the first person to come onto the board, but he is also never the last part—which is a distinction that usually falls on you. However, he often has bouts of bad luck where he ends up with suboptimal rolls at the start and end of the game.

often takes the time to help other players [mostly you and Alkaid], just happy to hang out with friends; clarence

Clarence is an absolute sweetheart and actually a decent player. He could absolutely take the troublesome trio [Ayn, Cael, Lars] on, and does so whenever you and Alkaid hang back. But he often encourages you and Alkaid to block his tokens and often hands out the best moves without requiring anything in return—and Lars often teases him for it.

He's most often left with the color green, as all the other choices are always taken. Often, he pairs up with you or Alkaid, which Ayn encourages as it greatly speeds up the game. Among the group, he also has the distinction of being the only one who gets sad if he doesn't end up in a team, so Lars will sometimes give up his favorite spot to hang out with him.

The first time everyone played together, there were a few minor arguments about the ruleset since everyone grew up playing it differently. As he was the one who led them all to create a rulebook that still gets periodically updated, he's often the referee during any minor disputes—often caused by Ayn or Cael, who are quick to roll their dice on their turn, even if someone else has just barely finished their move. He values Lars' counsel during these moments.

self-sufficient, but enjoys pointing out the many ways in which someone can block a token; lars

Lars is chaos incarnate. If the table is yelling and screaming, he's having the time of his life. He's aware of the tokens on the board at all times and often uses that information to inform others of an optimal move—which often puts him on Ayn's hitlist since he ends up ruining Ayn's plans. Like Ayn, he always has his next moves prepared ahead of time and he often bargains when he is either asked to show mercy or offers it himself [usually to you, but sometimes, he takes pity on Alkaid and Clarence too].

He has the most variable luck among everyone. Sometimes, his run will be smooth sailing, and other times, he will have to carefully claw his way to victory with ones and twos. Despite that, he's often competing with Ayn and Cael for first, while everyone else prepares themselves for a poor showing. Very often, he's the one to suggest continuing the game until everyone has their own placements as he just enjoys the chaos.

His preferred color is also blue, hence why he often ends up paired with Cael. He rarely pairs up with you, mostly because he's the only person on the table capable of inciting a true competitive response from you—as opposed to a desire to merely keep up, like with Ayn or Cael.

[rielzero]

What's Nymrod and Raphael's relationship like? Feel like there's much to speculate from the glimpse in your recent comic

Ahh yeah, so it's not exactly a realistic or healthy dynamic. Nymrod is purely pet to him at first, romantic and sexual tension only happened with some time afterwards, which is still evolving. (He purchases Nymrod from another devil a few years before the events in bg3, timelines with DIA are a bit messy so I won't comment on that.)

Raphael views Nymrod as someone he OWNS, he's quite literally property to him, but he also views him as a person he can converse with and trust..

Unlike his staff, which he beats and abuses both verbally and physically (or psychologically) Nymrod gets favored treatment. This doesn't mean he's infallible to Raphael's wrath, he simply has never done anything to give Raphael a reason to hurt him.

Suppose if you have a pet you truly favor, you'd rather keep it close for comfort than to scar it, yes? Well.. Then there's also the fact that he's a devil, even as a half-devil I don't think 2000+ years being Mephistopheles' (disgruntled) nepobaby would make you view life the same way a regular mortal character would. If anything, I was personally surprised by how violent he apparently is revealed to be once you enter the house of hope in comparison to his romanticism in your first three+ encounters with him in the game. Then again, his debtors and staff have probably given him reason to hurt them. (I don't remember if Korilla is amongst those who get abused, let me know?)

So in short, Nymrod is a favored pet who has the potential to become more than a pet. Raphael is definitely getting a bit attached to the twink disaster of a ''tiefling'' he is.

As for how Nymrod feels about him, I wouldn't say ''stockholm syndrome,'' He's been through a lot and by the time he's living comfortably in House of Hope he's long since developed romantic feelings for him. In Nym's eyes, Raphael is his savior not his owner. This is why I say it isn't exactly a healthy dynamic, haha. He also doesn't refer to him as master, which is a privilege granted that Raphael is fine with.

Otherwise do know they're both BRATS who match their freak. Nymrod looks cute but he's.. Uh, not a good person. He wasn't a good person long before got where he got.

Raphael (cambion form) Is much taller / more buff than his human form, so.. Nymrod just looks tiny here.

[bruhstation]

i realise something

casa tidmouth bwba is like the odyssey where thomas, like odysseus, wants to go home but is ping ponged around the world. But instead of losing crewmembers he gains some (ace and nia). Does this make sense

funny you said that junie XD I've had homer's two epics in my reading list for quite some time now! the format of them being poems are a bit challenging for me to process the stories but I managed to get through goethe's faust so I'll just have to believe in myself

and of course!!! of course it does make sense!!! >:] now that you've mentioned it, odysseus and cstm thomas has quite a lot of similarities, from their ever-struggling journey to how they "lost" their people one by one (though like you mentioned thomas does gain new allies). both odysseus and thomas have their respective gods following them (calypso and lady respectively) especially when the fact that there are so many ancient greek myth and legends in the odyssey and how cstm has this reoccuring urban fantasy themes to it...

does this mean that act 1 is "the illiad" while act 2 is "the odyssey"? :0 the illiad focuses on the trojan war (similar to how busy act 1 of cstm is with its worldbuilding and setups to thomas' prime and downfall), while the odyssey is about odysseus' journey way home (similar to how act 2 is more mellow and thomas trying to fix things/pick himself back up while getting thrown all over the place)... oh I gotta pick up the odyssey again!!! then the illiad!!!

now I can just imagine thomas confronting diesel 10 for the umpteenth time and solemnly saying "my name is nobody... nobody I am called by my coworker, coworker, and by all my coworkers..."

[mishkakagehishka]

I just . Repeating "characters are tools" you end up erasing so much about arashi's character and motivations and interactions with other characters if you avoid using her pronouns aka avoid showing she's transgender. It's on the same level of frustration with the translators i had when i saw they had Mika speaking standard English, there's a LOT that gets lost if you don't show those little things.

[commence-screaming]

I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.

So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.

Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.

Let’s get right into it.

1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”

I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.

2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.

That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.

3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.

I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.

4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.

I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.

5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.

If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.

If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.

After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.

6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.

They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.

Now, it is.

7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.

8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.

That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.

In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.

8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)

So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.

9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.

I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.

All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.

10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.

Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.

Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.

So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.

As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.

The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(

All of this was just the breaking point, really.

Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.

[undefeatablesin]

Have a bonus sketch sheet bc I recently redesigned my other good hunter Aloysha and forgot to post it lmao 💅✨️

[sillyfreakx5]

I'LL FINALLY BE GOING TO THERAPY 🔥🔥

except it's family therapy

and it's because my brother killed himself ;-;

[phenikas]

so every now and then I keep seeing people on here saying Handsome Jack is canonically bad at sex? Is there any actual proof of that said in the games somewhere like from Moxxi or is it people who really hate Jack saying that?