#or ‘i dont like how my parents’ pastor talks sometimes’

[anipwrites]

Mild vent no one will care about but it does make me kinda uncomfortable how many people will use ‘Christian’ or ‘Christianity’ as basically another way to say like ‘oh this person’s a horrible person, they’re racist, sexist, homophobic cult members, and in order for the world to improve the Christian religion can’t exist anymore and the Christian God can never be worshipped or else those ~Toxic Christians~ will doom society forever’

Like

I know when people say that they aren’t pointing at ~me specifically~ but it still feels kinda shitty yknow?

[blackdragoness]

PICK-A-CARD READING

IF YOU WERE A DRUG, WHAT DRUG WOULD YOU BE?

WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME “ADDICTED” TO YOUR ENERGY?

Do you give off ALCOHOLIC vibes, CRACKHEAD energy, OR STONER vibes?

**THIS IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT** I am not calling any of you addicts. Its just a game to have fun so just enjoy it for what it is: ENTERTAINMENT. I am not a professional and the advice given is based off my own personal experience with these addictions. I share what helped me free myself from these vices but I strongly recommend speaking with a professional that can help you better. Without further ado....

LESSSKOOOO

PICK A CARD:

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PILE 1: ACE OF HEARTS

If you chose pile 1, the vice that best describes your personality is:

***STONER***

**** DISCLAIMER: I am not insinuating that you smoke alot of pot, even if that's true haha. I am not your doctor, pastor, therapist, parent, sibling, boss, the police, your parole officer, NONE OF THAT. So I dont care what you do on your own time. I am not condoning those actions either but at the same time, it’s your life and you can do whatever you want with it.****

Regardless of your personal choices, this is what it says about your personality:

Laid-back, chill AF – almost too laid back it can sometimes be mistaken for laziness – but at the same time, a lot of you reading this probably are lazy and already know that. Its not a roast, I’m just affirming what you already know LOL. Big couch potato energy. Very laxed. As contradictory as it sounds, this is actually why people become addicted to your energy. There isn’t a lot of people who have the chill factor that you have and being around you is like a break from the hustle and bustle of life.

The cool kid – the IT Boy/Girl. Everything you do is effortless

Iconic – does your own thing & known for not following the crowd

You guys have a mind of your own!

Unbothered – it is very hard to ruffle your feathers or get a reaction out of you. It is both an admirable and irritable trait depending on who you’re talking to. If not, you may just react to things very slowly and may find yourself hot and bothered after the fact

Very easy going and easy to talk to – you can chop it up with almost all personalities because you are very relatable and relaxed.

CLASS CLOWN VIBES - you may not take things too seriously and can find humor in anything! You say some funny shit man, and you aren’t even trying to be funny.

EFFORTLESS COMEDIAN.

Very witty and intelligent

You can hold a conversation with a variety of people. Whether its small talk or deep intellectual conversations.

People remember you for the conversations that they have with you and the energy that you bring to the conversation. You may not even realize the effect your words or energy have on people but it lingers on their mind and energy long after you have gone away. All a person needs is one “hit” of your energy.

Might be apart of the “woke” culture or many people would describe you as being “woke”

May be labeled an overthinker, borderline paranoid but also a very critical thinker. You may think about things that most people don’t think about. It may shock others how much you know about a variety of topics  

Very grounded and rooted in whatever it is that you do.

Natural beauties and very natural bodies.

“LOVE CHILD”

Hippy vibes

You have a reputation for always being in a good mood and always being happy for no reason. Its very rare that you are in a bad mood. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have those days. You just know how to guard your emotions and only let a small number of trusted people see your vulnerable side.

Y’all are A VIBE. Periodt. Point. Blank.

You can vibe with a crowd AND you can vibe all on your own. You could be both introverted and extroverted depending on your mood. Sometimes you might be in a corner on your own doing your own thing, other times you’re mingling with a variety of different people. Just depends on your mood.

You probably have lots of conversations with your self all the time. People might think you’re a little weird for that but you might find it funny

Very unique and one of a kind

You might have your own distinct smell. Maybe you have a certain perfume/cologne that you use all the time that people know you for. OR maybe you just stink and smell like body odor. It can be either one of those two extremes LOL (Smokers LOVE the smell of weed, nonsmokers tend to strongly DESPISE the smell of weed so it goes both ways. Don’t shoot the messenger HAHA)

May have a love for music or be very musically inclined

Lyricist, journalist, writer/author - may be very good at articulating your thoughts and emotions but you may mumble or speak softly.

Every moment with you is a HIGH moment – by “high”, I mean when people see you, even if the interaction is short, its most often the HIGHlight of peoples day.

Everyones BUDdy

Wall FLOWER vibes

May be looked at as slightly ditzy

ADVICE:

Tap into your creativity more. This pile has the creative abilities, if improved and mastered, can be monetized on greatly.

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and to stand out.

If you struggle with overthinking, it means you aren’t taking enough action. Start moving and putting your amazing thoughts into action so you can manifest the life you dream about all the time. Mistakes are inevitable and part of the growing process so don’t be afraid to make mistakes or make a fool out of yourself. That’s how you learn. The longer you sit on your ideas, the easier it is for doubtful thoughts to creep in which in turn will stop you from taking any type of action. It is time to take action and slow down the voices in your head telling you that you aren’t enough.

Believe in yourself more and learn to love yourself for all your flaws. Your biggest critic and your biggest competition should always be yourself so build yourself up more. Quit the negative self talk. Critique yourself towards improvement but not to the point of giving up. You’re more than you give yourself credit for.

Be more comfortable speaking your mind in the moment instead of bottling everything up all the time. You only end up beating yourself up in the end and it slows down your progress.

If you are addicted to the drug, my advice is to take a break from it for a bit so you can start being active again in your own life. You don't have to quit cold turkey. Take it one day at a time but the wheels will start moving for you soon as you make that change. Too much of anything, even if it's good for you, can eventually start to work against you. But it's your life. If you can find that balance while still keeping it in your life, more power to ya! 😊

CHANNELED SONG:

MOVING ABOUT MY WAYS by Josh Wawa White

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PILE 2: ACE OF CLUBS

If you chose pile 2, the vice that best describes your personality is:

***ALCOHOLIC***

**** DISCLAIMER: I am not insinuating that you drink a lot of alcohol, even if that's true haha. I am not your doctor, pastor, therapist, parent, sibling, boss, the police, your parole officer, NONE OF THAT. So I don’t care what you do on your own time. I am not condoning those actions either but at the same time, it’s your life and you can do whatever you want with it.****

Regardless of your personal choices, this is what it says about your personality:

BIG GOOFBALL ENERGYYYY

Very energetic and MAFANA (pronounced “mah-fah-nah” meaning “heated” in the Tongan language). You might always be MAFANA and ready to do anything at any moment. Also you might literally be MAFANA in body temperature. Might have a warmer body temperature or may always be hot even in colder temperatures. May enjoy very hot showers as well.

Extremely physically attractive. Sexy and sultry type of aesthetic

Very seductive mannerisms and voice

Very spontaneous and slightly chaotic

You might speak in slang a lot – doesn’t matter the slang, but you have your own way of speaking

People would probably describe you as being very bold and confident. You aren’t afraid to say what’s on your mind and you don’t care who hears.

True to yourself

Very genuine and authentic in all your interactions

You’re probably sociable and outgoing

Extremely outgoing – very rarely are you ever alone. You always have a crowd of people surrounding you or with you.

You have your own unique sense of style and fashion taste. People know and recognize you for your fashion sense. It’s just very……YOU.

Brutally honest but honest nonetheless – people may avoid you because of how honest you can be. But people know when they really need an honest opinion, you are the first person to come to mind.

People may describe you as having multiple personalities. It can be both a good thing or a bad thing depending on who you are talking to. One things for sure, getting to know you is NEVER a bore.

Never a dull moment when you are around

LIFE OF THE PARTY

You are the person everyone hopes to see at an event or a party because they know it will be a fun time if you are around.

Very confident – ALPHA vibes – BOSS energy

You may be everyone’s “go-to” person when they need to vent or get things off their chest. Interacting with you is like a glass of wine at the end of a really rough day. If it was a really tough day, you’re more like 3 shots of Henney instead of wine, lets be honest.

You have a “numbing” effect on people – interacting with you is like nothing else matters but the present moment. You’re a very rare type of person

You are the person to impress! Every room you walk into and every person you interact with, you are the center of attention & people will do anything to get your attention praise, & validation.

Not only are you the person to impress, you are also a very impressive person. You impress through your looks, your skills, your intellect, etc – ALL AROUND impressive

You are very expressive, blunt, and outspoken. You say whatever is at the top of your mind and react to everything based off of your emotions in the moment.

May at times be very moody

Night owls

Kareoke King/Queen

Shameless

No one ever knows what to expect with you. You keep everyone on their toes

Maybe a bit clumsy and silly but thats why people love your energy. Its giving "overgrown child" vibes and its refreshing.

You help heal alot of peoples inner child just by being yourself. You bring that young vibe to any occasion.

ADVICE:

Take more time for yourself and away from the noise and the audience. I sense that you don’t enjoy being alone because that is when the dark thoughts creep in. Maybe you dislike feeling lonely. Get more comfortable with being on your own and in your own energy. Sort out those dark thoughts. Try to figure out where the darkness originated from and learn to heal it. It will improve your social interactions greatly.

Learn to enjoy silence. A lot of positive ideas, peace, and self discovery can be found in the silence.

Your greatest strength is your outspokenness. However, by remaining silent, you can avoid a lot of regret for yourself. You can also learn a lot about others simply by listening and remaining silent. Stay outspoken, but add silence into your personality every now and then to bring more balance to your character

SLOW DOWN - in all areas! Speak slower, walk slower, think slower, react slower, develop relationships slower, etc. You may start many things very quickly and burn out just as fast. Learn to pace yourself and develop your mental/physical stamina

If you are addicted to the alcohol, my advice would be to find a healthier hobby to substitute that vice. Exercise helps with regulating your emotions as well as a healthy eating plan. Get more sleep and start journaling. Having an outlet to really pour out your emotions will keep you from pouring another cup. Take it one day at a time, but the wheels will start rolling for you once you make that change. But it's your life, do as you please! If you can find that balance in your life, more power to ya!

CHANNELED SONGS: ALCOHOLIC by COMMON KINGS

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PILE 3: ACE OF DIAMONDS

If you chose pile 1, the vice that best describes your personality is:

***CRACKHEAD***

**** DISCLAIMER: I am not insinuating that you’re a meth/coke head, even if that's true haha. I am not your doctor, pastor, therapist, parent, sibling, boss, the police, your parole officer, NONE OF THAT. So I dont care what you do on your own time. I am not condoning those actions either but its your life and you can do whatever you want with it.****

Regardless of your personal choices, this is what it says about your personality:

The most energetic of all the piles

CEO/Supervisor energy

Very focused and determined to accomplish anything you set your mind to. You are willing to start things over as many times as you need until you get it right.

You may have an addictive personality but also others may find your personality very addicting as well. Once someone has tasted your energy, its very hard to shake you.

People may become very obsessed with you. You circle peoples minds multiple times a day. They just cant figure you out. You may also be very obsessive and possessive yourself.

FOCUSED. FOCUSED. FOCUSED, Extremely focused individuals. Your focus is probably your most admirable trait.

As focused as you are, you are also probably a very great multitasker

Entrepreneurs or entrepreneurs in the making. You may be very business minded

You are usually always 10 steps ahead of the game. You see all sides and make very calculated moves based off of your observations.

Very observant individuals. You probably notice and remember the tiniest details about people and you know how to make people feel really special in every interaction with you. People don’t expect you to remember certain things they’ve mentioned or worn, but when you bring it up to them long after the fact, you really make people feel SEEN & HEARD. This makes you more trustworthy in their eyes.

May be accused of being narcissistic but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You may have been a victim to narcissistic abuse in the past so you’ve learned the ins and outs of all the mind games being played. So when someone uses a mind game on you, you flip it back on them and then they have the audacity to call YOU the narcissist. It has become your tool for self defense but also agitates those on the receiving end of your narcissism. To put it into perspective, most super heros and world leaders are narcissistic because they need to be. If not, they would get chewed up and spit out by the world and wouldn’t last a day in their position. If they wanna call you a narcissist because you refuse to adopt their mindset or their perspective, then so be it! Accept the title and keep it pushing. Remain true to yourself.

Very self-reliant and reliable. You conquer every task and assignment thrown at you and you do an amazing job at it in a very time efficient manner. People may try to discredit you or say you couldn’t have done it all by yourself but the proof is in the pudding darling. In reality, these folks are just projecting their own insecurities on to you because we all know, if they were in your position, there is no way they could have done that on their own. No one can deny your workmanship because you prove it time and time again.

Lone wolf vibes. You may not have many friends or you may not be open to inviting new people into your circle. “NO NEW FRIENDS” vibes

You probably have a sturdy set of friends and you’ve known them for a long time.

Very secretive and private. You may enjoy your privacy and may tend to keep a lot of your life hidden from the public eye.

Very protective of your energy and your space.

May have a lot of people who constantly have an opinion on your life. You do a great job at blocking them and their noise out of the way and continuing to push along.

STRONG STAMINA – yall can last for a lonnnngggg time (however you interpret that LOL)

Great debater – if someone wants to come at you sideways, they better come prepared with their arguments because going against you isn’t easy. You know yourself, you know your facts and you know what happened. Barely nothing gets past you.

Out of all the piles, this pile has the most haters. I don’t know why and neither do you. You must be someone of significance to have this many haters. You represent PRESSURE and people feel that energy as soon as you walk into the room. This is a compliment for you but a threat to your haters. No one wants to feel pressured to improve. You don’t try to apply pressure. You just ARE pressure.

You cant be tamed. Very hard to lock down and hard to pin down.

Unbeatable

Invincible

Immunity

Misjudged and misunderstood but never stops remaining true to yourself. Let the haters do their thing but keep doing you booboo.

Diamond in the rough

Might wear a lot of jewelry or you should wear more jewelry but this is something people notice about you. Maybe you have tons of jewelry or you have a piece of jewelry that people remember you for. If not, I suggest wearing more jewelry because it looks great on you.

ADVICE

Learn to handle the pressure that comes your way. You attract what you put out there and unfortunately, this is one of those things that is out of your control. People feel pressured when you are around therefore, you may feel as though pressure is constantly being applied to you. Don’t sweat it. These experiences are to show you how strong your character truly is but you must remain true to who you are if you want it to work in your favor.

Its okay to be more open and available to others. You can still maintain your strong boundaries but you don’t have to shut the entire world out. Remain open!

Keeping an open mind may also be helpful for you. Not everything will play out the way you envisioned it in your brain so keep an open mind so you can solve your problems as they arise.

Take some time to relax. You give off very strong workaholic vibes and sometimes you can overwork yourself to exhaustion. Give your body the rest it needs through sleep. Remember to eat throughout the day and fill your body up with the nutrients it needs to keep you going and alert for your various tasks. Go outside and enjoy the outdoors. Take time to care for yourself.

 Learn to lighten up a little. Your laser focus can sometimes make you too serious to be around. Laugh a little. Smile more. Let loose. Enjoy the life in front of you. Balance out your work and play and you’ll find your life is more enjoyable that way.

If you are addicted to the drug, my advice would be to invest in yourself more. You won't have the money to spend on drugs if you throw your money into something that will benefit you more in the long run. Take a class to build on a skill you already have, sign up for a committee, give yourself responsibility and bring purpose back into your life. But start small. Learn to depend on yourself and hold yourself up before trying to overextend yourself for others. Too much responsibility is probably what got you to this point or maybe it was the lack thereof. Whatever the case be, you need to love on yourself more & know that you are more than enough. The wheels will start moving for you once you make that change and the clarity that follows will bring you immense joy.

CHANNELED SONG: WINNAH WINNAH by RIA ft SPAWNBREEZIE

[mothofmany]

TW RAMCOA /vent

Becoming painfully aware that my family was a familial cult and their church of choice was their safe place because many other familial cults hid in plain site there.

It just makes everything in my life make so much sense and i feel like i may have had this realization before and just shoved it back deep down?

Idk basically my birth mother “married” (in the eyes of god my grandparents say) my birth father when she was 13 and he was 18. My mother gave birth to 3 kids before the age of 21- which she often wouldnt consent and my father would say “well youre my wife” and she would just allow it. and eventually my birth father started using heroin and meth and my mother attempted to leave him but he wouldnt let her and attempted to kill all the kids and himself so she split us up. My mom sent me to live with my grandparents, who then sent me to my bio fathers sister- and my brothers went elsewhere to prevent my father from finding us and my mom.

My mom was supposed to come back, but my grandparents and my adoptive parents took legal custody by moving to a different state and my mother couldnt get to the court date in person, so the custody went to my adoptive parents who kept me in contact with my bio father, who i knew as my uncle until i was 7, and my grandparents.

My grandparents would have get togethers every year and we would all go to mass and hang out with the very large family including my bio father every year. And every year i was terrified of these events and would try to hide the whole time.

My adoptive parents used TBMC on me and from what i know their parents used it on them. My grandparents loved using different forms of physical discipline on children and so did everyone at the church. They all recommended a parenting book called “to train up a child.” I specifically remember my parents at a parenting session with the pastor after sermon asking “my child isnt reacting to spanking as a punishment, what should i do?” And the pastor said “spank her more and harder until she gets the point.”

My grandparents would talk about beating my parents with belts and suggest to use belts instead of the wooden spoon and sticks my parents used on us.

I would be spanked 50 times; sometimes more, sometimes less; until i “stopped crying and accepted my punishment” which was really just me dissociating.

In my family this was normal. My cousins went through similar things. So i just thought EVERY family grew up being beaten into submission. I thought time out included being locked in room in the dark indefinitely for hours. Because it happened to my siblings. It happened to me. It happened to the kids i went to church with. I even had one of my friends parents spank me for laughing at my friend cussing. Her mom over heard and spanked us both.

I was only allowed friends that went to church and has parents that were friends with my parents. If they werent approved by my parents i couldnt talk to them, even if i was at school.

I wasnt allowed to wear what i wanted or read what i wanted. They had to “approve” everything that i did. I could never make my own decisions and if i did they would make fun of me, make me feel horrible about my choices, or just hurt me for “making the wrong choice.”

Plus theres the weird sexual stuff that happened and i dont even know how to get into that because it doesnt feel real but it does at the same time and everytime i try to talk about it i shut down

[skinnymeanfaggot]

😭 and 🌋 for Zora, 👨‍👩‍👧 and 🎭 for Harper ✏️ for both?

for zora:

crying: zora like, never ever ever cries. shes really good at keeping her emotions close to her chest. literally i think the only times shes cried in recent memory was when her mom died, when kylin died, and then bringing her back

temper: she has a pretty medium temper. she doesnt often Blow up but shell get pissy and be passive aggressive or snappy. her temper gets worse after kylin dies and she loses it a lot at kyra because their very existence pisses her off

for harper:

family: so not something ive actually thought a ton about! ive thought more about it in fs and translated it from there. in fs his grandmother (blizzardstars aunt) was a thunderclan cat and founder of the storm (city colony) and his mom was the lieutenant. his dad was never really in the picture, just a random city cat, and his littermates are either dead or have become kittypets. he wasnt super close with any of them and has a little resentment for his mom for being emotionally unavailable.

so this translates to, parents are divorced and he predominantly stayed with his mom. maybe he has siblings. really not far from average upbringing in a protestant christian household (his family was meh on gay stuff and they just never talked about it). literally not much to complain about, or at least, he has no family trauma from abuse or neglect. hes just a little bitter it wasnt as closeknit as his friends families but it wasnt a huge deal.

mask: oh my god for sure. in highschool he was a super popular, nice charismatic guy who girls swooned over (and he maybe dated a couple but "focused on his studies" more. because he hates women). this continues on for the rest of his life as an adult, hes a (gags) pastor for a bit and the church loves him, old ladies try to set him up with their daughters and see him as a Nice Young Man, men like him, women and teen girls want him, teen boys idolize him, hes everyones perfect special boy.

he actually is kind of a dick though, has a temper and can be generally cold but he keeps this under wraps 99% of the time so his friends have seen it like once and were like, that was weird! they could also note that he was weirdly controlling over anim and didnt really like them hanging out with his friends without him.

with girls he dated in highschool he was emotionally distant. he kind of fucking hated being around them but would like try to seem decent but he just like wanted nothing to do with them. they all thought it was something wrong with them because he never seemed like this with other people and the men in his life. just a guy who seemed to value his friendships more!

so literally anim and the few guys he dated after saw him as the monster that he is. because its exhausting keeping up a mask of being this normal fucking guy all the time and sometimes anim would annoy him by being like, hey i dont want to do this, or, why cant i hang out with other people, and he would get pretty mad. standard emotional abuser behavior. honestly wildly out of character for him otherwise so if anim would be like hey he like screamed at me and then refused to speak to me at all for a week and his friends would be like what that doesnt sound like him! you know. normal white guy.lyrics for

both:

for zora, theres DEVASTATINGLY.... not much i can fucking think of that fit like, her as a person, but theres some i associate from the pov of people in her life? one for anim @ her is, all of queen of white lies by orion sound. maybe specifically "so lie to me honey, take all my money, just do those things you do to me"

for harper theres a LOT. mostly whole songs, like property by say anything and leviathan by david worsig. but if i had to pick 1 lyric it would be "i hate to see you hurt but how else will i ever get through to you" from that night i kidnapped remo drive by remo drive. very him song he would totally kidnap someone

basically for zora: (other people about her) songs where people are singing about this fucking crazy ass woman but shes really hot but its ok that she manipulates me because shes SUPER hot, and for harper: ashfur songs/songs that are like "YOU BELONG TO ME YOU CANT EVER LEAVE ME OR ILL KILL YOUUUUU YOU ARE MY TOY IM GONNA HURT YOU IM GONNA KILL YOU, but you know i love you babe 😇"

[sweetandsavageautistic]

(CW: Autism Martyr Parent, hell mention, self-harm mention)

So I was searching for if people’d go to hell for being autistic because I was going to a church fall festival (I asked the pastor if I’d go to hell for being autistic and he said no, so there’s that) and I came across this:

https://faithmummy.wordpress.com/2017/10/15/i-dont-want-to-be-an-autism-parent-anymore/

*big-ass inhale of frustration.*

Okay.....let’s take this in bits.

“*Preface: have you ever felt overwhelmed with life? I have. Of course I love my son with all my heart, I should never need to even justify that, but living with a child with severe autism is hard. I do not need threats made to my life or my child’s because I find some days hard. Comments like that will not be approved.

And for the record I don’t always feel like this but I am human and some days this is exactly how it is. *”

Okay, that’s understandable. You’re allowed to voice that it’s difficult. You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed. That’s valid. If the post continued like this, I’d be fine with it, but she calls herself an Autism Parent, so.....brace yourselves.

“The day started far too early. There was no sweet cuddles in bed or a little voice asking for a drink; no I was woken as usual by screaming. I have had day after day, month after month, year after year of being woken by screaming and I don’t want that anymore.“

That’s also valid, but at the same time, he’s trying to communicate with you. He’s trying to communicate his needs. He might not have any other method of communication, whether it’s the only way he knows how to communicate or that he lacks the proper tools to communicate. 

“I don’t want to wake up to a smell that would make you want to vomit and bedding that is fit for the bin more than the washing machine, because yet again it is covered in something that ought not to be seen by anyone else. I am so tired of that now.“

That just is how it is sometimes. You gotta deal with that. 

“I don’t want to sit on my couch in the middle of the night looking at my child and wondering what I did to have a child who sees no point in sleeping, who at 8 still can’t say ‘mama’ and who still thinks the world revolves around his needs only.”

This is where I get pissed. You’re basically saying that your son is a punishment for you. You’re calling him a burden. But it’s the last bit that boils my blood. 

“who still thinks the world revolves around his needs only.”

This is where I say “Fuck. You.” You’re making him sound selfish. Us autistic people generally have trouble communicating our needs because neurotypicals don’t seem to fucking listen. You’re making it sound like he’s arrogant and a narcissist. If you’re looking for that, look in a fucking mirror.

“I love him more than words could ever convey but I don’t want to be an autism mum anymore.”

You love him and yet you just said you wonder what you did to have a child like him? That shit doesn’t add up. 

“I want to be a mum who has fun with her child rather than doing therapy with them.

“I want to walk my son to school and talk to his friends instead of sending him in a taxi to a place where I am a stranger to them.

“I want to be able to talk to my child about the fact it is his birthday soon and discuss what he would like to do to mark that day.

“I want to be someone who takes my child to bowling, teaches them to ride a bike or even goes to the movies with them. Instead the only place I ever take him to is hospitals or respite.”

This one’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, yeah, your child having to miss out on those things sucks. On the other hand, the subtext is indicating that this is about YOU, not your child. 

“I am tired of missing out on everything. I am tired of never having party invites, knowing nothing about his day at school, having to still dress him, having to take adult nappies and wipes with me wherever I go.“

No, you’re tired of not being able to live vicariously through him, as shown by you saying YOU are tired of missing out on everything. 

“I don’t want to be an autism parent anymore.

“I am tired of holding my child as he screams in public again.

“I am tired of the never ending judgement, the stares and the horrid comments.

“I am am tired of carrying around my broken heart as a result of the interventions and therapies having achieved nothing.

“I simply can not bear the thought of my child as an adult knowing what society is like.

“I am tired of meetings.

“I am tired of phone calls from his school.

“I am tired of fighting for everything but then being accused as having an attitude or people thinking I act like I am entitled.”

Have you ever considered WHY he’s screaming in public? Have you ever considered that he’s trying to communicate or that he’s overwhelmed?

“I don’t want my child to have autism anymore. This is not a ‘different way of seeing the world’ that he has, or ‘a wonderful gift’. This is a child about to be 9 years old who can not say ‘mum’ or use a bathroom himself. This is a child almost my height who still can’t put his own clothes on, brush his own teeth or dry himself after a bath. This is a child who can never ever be left alone, who has to have everything the same all the time, who self harms and wanders. This is a child still with the mind of a toddler who will require others to look after him his entire life.“

EXCUSE ME? THE MIND OF A TODDLER? I don’t think he does. You said he needs to have everything the same all the time. He doesn’t have control over most of his life, so having that sense of stability and routine is likely comforting to him. I feel like in the back of his mind, he knows that. Also you can’t wish away his autism. 

“Who would want that for their child?

“Who would want that as a parent?

“Today I don’t want to be an autism parent any more.

“The problem is I have no choice.”

MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT! MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT!

“So I strip that bed, bath that child, cook him that breakfast as I always do and let him sit on my knee while he rewinds the same ten seconds of video on you tube he did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.“

Bath THAT child. “That child” has the same energy as “That thing.”

“Nothing changes much in my house, except my feelings. 

“Today I am tired. I don’t want to be an autism parent today the same way any other parent may feel about not wanting to be the mum of a toddler who tantrums daily or a baby who has reflux or the partner to someone with Alzheimer’s. We all have days when we are just down about the life we have.”

Um, no. You don’t want to be an autism parent because it’s hard on you. You’re not thinking about your son. If you don’t want to be around someone because you only focus on how their disability makes things difficult for you and not taking their struggles into consideration, they deserve better. 

“Yet we carry on. We dust ourselves down, search for some positives or listen to some music.

“Tomorrow is a new day. It will probably start off with screaming again too., but maybe tomorrow I will be stronger, more hopeful, more upbeat.

“Maybe tomorrow I will want to be the autism parent I need to be. 

“Maybe tomorrow.”

So you just spent 90% of the blog post crying about how hard your life is because you see your child as a burden, and then you say “we carry on”? Are you for real?

This blog post is disgusting. It has one and a half valid points: the preface and that double-edged sword I mention. But that only makes up like 10% of the whole post. The other 90% is them creating a sob story to get pity and sympathy. They’re making themself out to be a victim. 

Here’s a hot take: if you’re not willing to love your child because of something out of their control, like a disability or their sexual orientation or their gender identity, you shouldn’t become a parent. You can’t go into parenthood expecting the ideal family life. You can feel frustrated about the obstacles you face. That’s valid. But DO NOT demonize your child and/or make them out to be a burden.

[foxtophat]

i dont have much to say about this one!!! it’s just a story about carmina’s tenth birthday, and how the town of fall’s end is coping a decade after the collapse.  uhhh there are some random children in it?  bean is there! and of course john shows up, too, because that’s KIND OF THE POINT of mercyverse lol

technically there’s a story that comes before this, but i don’t have the vibe yet for it so i haven’t worked on it in a while. instead, i’ll probably just keep moving forward and throw up that one if the rest of the plot becomes at all relevant to the real main storyline.  uhhh the next one will take place in the spring of 2029 and we’re going to start getting into some fun stuff that i’ve planned out for a while!!!

until then, uh, the usual: love you, please like/share/reblog/kudos/comment, whatever you feel good about doing, because i sure do love to share my universe with other people!  hope you’re doing well and hopefully i’ll see you with another fic in a few weeks!

also as usual: the story text is below the cut for those of you who wanna stay on tumblr :)

It's Carmina's tenth birthday, and there's a party in town. The two things aren't exactly related, sure, but Carmina's used to sharing her birthday with the Collapse, and she's not about to turn down a bunch of free food. How can she not go to a real Hope County barbecue after her parents had hyped the experience up so much in the bunker? She'd hoped that her ninth birthday would have gotten a similar treatment, but the town just didn't have the food or people for it at the time. Her parents had told her that next year would be better; Carmina does her best to keep her imagination from blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

They leave a little bit after breakfast. Since John is coming along, mom has no excuse not to let Carmina ride in the back with him. He's not excited to be heading into town, but then again, the town isn't usually excited to see him, either. And considering what day it is, they're likely to be extra rude to him. Carmina doesn't get it, honestly, but she's just glad that she can ride in back without her mom grabbing onto her at every pothole and bump in the road.

The first surprise of the day comes as her dad parks just past the church, giving her a chance to stand up and look out over the town. She hasn't been here in a while, and so she's surprised to see that they've cleared out a lot of the dirt lot behind the usable buildings — and there are a lot of people hanging out there. Carmina's never seen so many people at once — she loses count around twenty and can easily guess double that. It's enough to rattle her nerves for just a second, before she catches the looks on her mom and dads' faces and realizes that this is probably a good thing. Sure, John looks like he wants to hop back in the truck and go home, but he always looks like that around strangers. Her parents, on the other hand, actually seem happy for once, and that's what matters to Carmina.

The second surprise is just how many of the adults seem to know her. Her parents move slowly through the mingling crowd, usually coming up with names for faces before Carmina's even looked at the strangers who call her by name. She gets lots of comments like, "I remember when your parents were expecting you!" and "I was wondering how the Rye's little girl turned out!" and even a few, "Glad to see you made it," comments that make her parents side-eye each other pretty fiercely. She doesn't need to introduce herself to anyone, not even people who her parents don't know so well — it's like everybody's always known her, and her family. It's kind of cool — but also kind of weird. Pastor Jerome always said that their family was a pillar in the community, but this is first-person evidence, right here in front of her.

Plenty of the adults wish her a happy birthday, too, but she knows their hearts aren't in it. It's one of the big drawbacks to sharing her birthday with the end of the world — nobody asks how old she is, nobody wants to know what she did on previous birthdays, and all of them have to make some kind of depressing comment. Like trying to get her to relate to birthdays before the Collapse: all they want to do is tell her about all the things she could be doing, or would be doing, if only the world hadn't ended. They want to share their birthdays from the past, but Carmina's never been to the movies, she doesn't know who Disney is, and she has no idea why they'd need a cake and candles for it all. Somebody tells her she should be graduating to the fourth grade, and she just stares back because what even is the fourth grade? What does that mean?

They mean well, so Carmina does her best not to upset anybody, but she knows that nobody appreciates how little she cares about life before the Collapse.

At least there are other kids in town today. Her mom had been telling her about some of them — kids who don't have families, who the town looks after — but Carmina's only ever met one of them, and that had been only for a few minutes. But Carmina can see them hanging out in the field, and as soon as her mom lets her, she heads right out to them. It's about time that she met people her age — she's getting tired of only ever talking to old people.

Of course, meeting strangers is still difficult for her, but she's saved from too much embarrassment as she recognizes the chicken brothers hanging out in the small group. She can't remember which one is Tom and which one is Matt, but they seemed really nice when they helped her pick out her chickens. She also recognizes the oldest boy in the group, although she can't remember his name at all. She's never seen the others before — two teenage girls, another boy her age, and a kid a couple years younger than her — but hopefully she won't make a total fool of herself.

"Hi," she says as she approaches, waving.

"Hey, Carmina," Matt-or-Tom says, stepping aside to make room for her in their makeshift circle. "I thought we would see you today."

"Yep," Carmina smiles, "Here I am!" She sees the teenagers' curious looks and tells them with little fanfare, "Today's my birthday."

"Oh," the oldest boy says. "That sucks."

One of the girls elbows him. "Don't be mean," she says.

"No, he's right," Carmina says. "It does suck."

"Well, happy birthday anyway. How old are you now?"

"Ten."

"Wow," the girl says. She looks at the boy, then back to Carmina, and says sympathetically, "You weren't kidding. That's rough."

Giggling with relief, Carmina waves once more. "It's okay. My name's Carmina, by the way. It's nice to meet you."

Being polite works like a charm, and the oldest boy is quick to go around with introductions. "Well, I'm Jason — this is Caroline, and this is Flower. The little kid there —"

"Hey!"

"— Is Bean, and... Sorry, man, what did you say your name was again?"

The other ten-year-old looking boy frowns and shoves his hands deeper into his pockets. "Luke," he says.

"Okay, Luke. And you know Tom and Matt."

"We were talking about the bison out in the field," Tom-or-Matt says. He points in the direction of home and asks, "Did you guys see the big one when you were coming into town?"

"The one that's all white?" Carmina asks, "With the big scar over its hump? We see that one all the time when we come out this way —"

"No, no," the other brother says, "Jason says there's a bigger one."

"I told you guys," Jason says, "I only saw it once, and it was late at night while I was up in the crow's nest. I don't think it comes out during the day."

Carmina frowns. "What big one? What do you mean?"

"Oh, boy," Caroline sighs, "Don't listen to him, Carmina, he's full of shit."

"Hey, language," Flower laughs.

"Look, I was pretty far away, but I had the sniper rifle and I wasn't sleeping on the job. Uh, so..." He points out over the field, towards a squat set of huts surrounding a tall, busted silo that's still standing. The view from up there must be great. "Jerome has me sit up in that tower sometimes, you know, to practice. So I was up there, looking around, and it was probably midnight or so... and I just see this glow out in the field. I think it's a fire, right? Maybe somebody made a camp out there on their way to town or something. So I look out through the scope — and it was a bison."

"A glowing bison?" Carmina asks skeptically.

"Yeah. Like, a monster bison. It was all dark and scaly looking, except for the way its belly glowed. I thought about shooting it, but..."

Caroline laughs. "He got scared. Or it wasn't real, and he's making it all up."

"I wasn't scared, and I'm not making it up! It's not like it could've hurt me up in the nest. It... just didn't feel right. You know, it was just grazing with the rest of the herd. And it moved off over the hill before I could change my mind or call anybody up to confirm it."

"Sure, Jason."

"I'm serious," Jason insists, "I really saw it, okay? I told Jerome about it and everything." He frowns at the dirt. "He said it might've been mutated after the bombs. Then he told me not to go looking for it."

"He's right," Flower says. "Even regular bison are pretty dangerous." She smiles. "That's why I like deer — they won't hurt you. If you sit really still, sometimes they'll even come up and lick your face."

"Oh," Carmina says. "I usually just shoot them. They eat all our vegetables otherwise."

"Yeah," Flower sighs, "Sometimes I do, too. But they're also nice to watch."

Tom-or-Matt looks to his brother. "I wonder if that's what we see outside at night?"

"What, deer?"

"No, dumbass." He turns to the group and explains, "Sometimes, when it's real late and I gotta use the bathroom, I'll see something glowing out in the woods. Dad's cut back a lot of space so it never gets very close, but... maybe it's another mutated animal."

"At least you'll see it coming when it tries to attack you," Carmina suggests.

"Gee, thanks."

Carmina knows he's probably teasing, but she still feels guilty for being so blunt about it. The least she can do is try to reassure him. "Well... most animals don't attack near houses, I don't think. When we first came out of the bunker, there were wild dogs and wolves that would watch us, and my dad was real worried about them — but now they mostly stay away from the property. I think it's because of the fence. You guys have a fence, right?"

"Yeah, plus a butt-load of chickens that freak out over anything out of the ordinary." Matt-or-Tom grins at her and asks, "Don't they wake you up with every little thing?"

Carmina briefly considers mentioning John being attacked, then decides against it. She also doesn't want to tell them that the chickens live mostly indoors at night now — the last thing she wants to do is kick off a whole big thing about the cult on her dang birthday! It's already hard enough pretending to care about them around her parents; she's not sure she could even force herself to bother here. And if she's not careful, the kids in town might start to think about her and her family the same way all the adults do.

"They're pretty docile, actually," she says, "And we only really see deer around our place... It's not like they eat chickens."

"Well.... maybe there's a mutant deer out there that wants to eat you," Tom-or-Matt teases.

Carmina rolls her eyes. "I'll shoot it before it gets past the hangar," she replies.

Of course, her dismissive confidence leads to a sprawling discussion on who might be the best shot out of the group. Carmina does her best to defend her skills, considering she can't prove any of it right now, but all three teens insist they're dead-eyes, and even Bean says he's "getting pretty good at the aiming part." On top of that, the kids from the town have gotten pointers from Aunt Grace herself, which means they might actually be better shots than Carmina expects.

"Maybe we should have a competition," Caroline suggests. "I bet Pastor Jerome and Aunt Grace would be okay with it."

"Sure," Jason laughs, "But you know they'd make us spend forty minutes disassembling and cleaning our rifles before and after. Like I don't know what I'm doing — I'm almost fifteen!"

"Have you guys been to Aunt Grace's?" Carmina asks. "She has a shooting range there."

"Maybe she'd let us use it!"

"I've never been to a real shooting range," Bean says.

"It's not a real shooting range," Jason points out, "Those all got blown up. Do you even know how to use a gun, Bean?"

"I just said I do! My dad taught me! I... just don't like the loud noises it makes."

Matt-or-Tom boasts, "We learned to shoot in our bunker. Mom collected Airsoft guns — they don't use bullets, so they can't kill you."

"What's the point of that?"

"I dunno, I guess practicing underground?"

Tom-or-Matt laughs. "Dad was convinced the Peggies were gonna get us, so he wanted us to know how to shoot."

The quiet kid, Luke, finally speaks up. "Lucky," he mutters, "Easier to learn underground, I bet."

"What about you?" Carmina asks. She tries not to cringe away when he stares back at her like he didn't expect anyone to hear him. Maybe he doesn't like people talking to him? "Um... my mom and dad had a bunch of gun magazines in the bunker, but I never got to shoot a real gun until we came outside. Mom and Aunt Grace have been teaching me, though, and I'm way better than my dad is."

Luke hesitates. "Kind of the same. We came up early, though. Had to."

"Me, too," Jason replies. "It was just me and my brother. I was five when we got stuck in the bunker — we went through our supplies in about three years, so we had to come back up."

"We... only stayed down until I could walk," Luke admits. "It was still really cold when we came up. And mom got real sick for a while."

"Yikes," Bean says, "That sucks!"

"Come on, bean," Jason snaps, "You don't say that."

"You just said it to her!" Bean shouts, pointing at Carmina.

"He's... right," Luke mumbles. "It sucked. It... still sucks. But things are getting better now." He looks up at them, then drops his eyes back to the dirt. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Carmina insists, "I asked first!"

"That's kind of the mood today," Caroline adds. "Don't worry. We can talk about something else."

The change in topic comes abruptly as Bean points towards the Church and asks, "Who is that with Pastor Jerome?"

Carmina doesn't need to look, but since the rest of the group does, she might as well too. John has his hat pulled low over his eyes, as usual, which makes him look suspicious, as usual. Knowing him, he probably didn't even leave the truck — just waited there for Jerome to come talk to him.

She can only hope that Tom and Matt keep their mouths shut since they're the only other kids who know what John looks like nowadays. Unfortunately for her, that hope is pretty quickly dashed.

"Oh," Matt-or-Tom says, like a jerk, "That's John, I think. Right, Carmina?"

"Wait," Jason says, "You're that Carmina?"

Carmina ducks her head. "Um... it depends, I guess?"

Flower, looking too sympathetic for Carmina's liking, tries to mediate. "He just means, well... Jerome talks about you sometimes."

"And he talks about that guy," Jason adds, pointing without any subtlety at all.

"Everyone talks about that guy," Caroline says with a sigh. She gives Carmina a sympathetic shrug as she does, as though she wishes she could stop the conversation from happening, too. That only makes Carmina worried that this isn't the first time the teenagers have sat around gossiping about John and the crazy people who decided to take him in.

"Wait," Bean gasps, way too loudly, "That's John Seed?"

"Oh my God," Matt-or-Tom sighs, "You gotta keep up with the conversation."

"Wait, what's he doing here? Why's he going into the church? I thought he wasn't supposed to come to town? I thought he was locked up!"

Carmina groans. "It's my birthday," she whines, "I don't wanna talk about John today!"

"We don't have to," Caroline says. "Guys, come on."

"I mean, he did kill a lot of people. Isn't he, like, a psychopath? Isn't it weird to live with a murderer?"

"Jason!"

Luke mutters, "I heard he used to cut off people's skin."

"That's true," Jason replies, "My brother has a huge scar from when it happened to him. Boy, I hope he doesn't see that jackass is here..."

Matt-or-Tom finally seems to realize what he's started, frowning as the conversation spirals crazily out of control. It's too late to stop it, though, and so he shuffles his feet and looks apologetically towards Carmina.

Fine. If she can't get around the subject, she's just going to have to tackle it head-on. Even if that sounds really scary. She doesn't think that these guys are going to flip out like the caravan last year did, but she's still a little worried that she might be in for a fight if she says the wrong thing about John.

"I know John used to be a bad guy," she says. "Like, really bad. My dad's got one of those scars, too. But he's not like that any more. All he does nowadays is help my parents with chores and stuff. And he's just like everybody else — he doesn't talk about what happened before the Collapse to me or anybody. So I really don't know anything more than you guys.

She probably knows less than them, honestly, but she's not about to say so and get a brutal lesson in everything John's ever done wrong.

"So he's just... different, now?" Jason asks, frowning unhappily at the church.

"I guess so," Carmina replies with a shrug. She looks over to make sure that John and Jerome are inside, just in case. "He's not... scary, or mean, or anything like that. Just quiet. Kind of... lonely, I guess. Ever since he found out his brother is alive but still crazy, he's been really beat up about it." He's also been literally beaten up over it, but now's not the time to try and make the others feel sorry for him. John would probably be irritated at the idea of a bunch of kids pitying him.

Matt-or-Tom is quick to help her out, which is nice. "She's right," he says. "The Father is still out there in the woods with all those crazies, but John's repented. Dad said he made amends with God, whatever that means. He... uh, still doesn't like us being around him, but when we helped him load the chickens in he seemed okay. Just real quiet."

"That's John, alright," Carmina sighs.

Bean looks seriously disappointed by the news. "You mean he doesn't talk about it at all?" he asks.

"No," Carmina says, snapping for good measure, "And he gets really upset when you ask about it, so don't."

"I'm not gonna go talk to him!" Bean gasps.

The idea that a kid might be scared of John is pretty funny, considering how uncomfortable he is around her, but Carmina's not about to say as much. John probably wouldn't like her sharing a weakness like that with a bunch of strangers, and she wouldn't want them using it against him later.

Flower slowly lifts her hand, looking embarrassed. "Some of the adults in town say the Bliss messed him up. Is that... true?"

Well, at least she's trying to be nice about it. "I dunno," Carmina admits. "He was super weird when he first started living with us, but that might've just been because he was stuck in his bunker for so long."

"Oh, that happened to a guy my dad knows!" Bean supplies helpfully. "Dad calls it bunker shock. Says living underground too long is bad for you when you're all alone!"

"Glad I didn't live in one long enough for that," Luke says. When everyone looks at him, he clams up for a second before continuing on. "A neighbor came up just this year. He's... real weird. I don't like him much. He still sleeps underground, hoping he'll wake up and it'll all be a dream." He scuffs his boot against the dirt, sniffing loudly. "That's what my mom says, anyway. I try not to be around when he comes by."

"He wouldn't be the first adult to be like that," Jason says. He gives the church one last look before nodding his head towards the party. "I mean, that's why we're all the way out here, instead of hanging out around the food. Right?"

"No," Bean replies, "I'm out here 'cos I can't eat another bite! I didn't know you could be this full."

Caroline laughs. "Yeah, the adults have been stockpiling for weeks, it looks like... I guess everyone was really looking forward to it — or, well, I guess that's what it is."

Flower gazes over at the gaggle of adults. Carmina recognizes her dreamy smile from the way her mom looks around the house sometimes, like she's getting a new, better look at the place.

"It feels like things are starting to look up," she says. "Maybe they can all be happier now."

"Hey, don't jinx it!" Tom-or-Matt laughs.

Bean looks around at the rest of them and for a second, Carmina is worried he's going to ask more about John and restart the whole ugly conversation. Thankfully, it looks like he's still a baby, so he's quickly distracted.

"So, what do we do now?" he asks, pushing his too-big glasses up his nose.

Carmina has never actually played with other kids before, so she doesn't have any good suggestions — especially when shooting is off-limits. Thankfully, she isn't the only one. The teenagers don't know where their soccer ball went, and Luke says he doesn't even know what soccer is. Bean says he usually plays word games by himself. When Tom-or-Matt suggests they play something called "capture the flag," it manages to make its way to the top of the list just because Jason and Caroline have both heard of it before.

Well, at least something is better than nothing. The older kids explain how capture the flag works, using Jason's shirt for their team's flag while the other kids band together around Matt-or-Tom's sweaty tank top. Carmina imagines that one of them should sit out for even teams, but the older kids seem confident that they can handle it. Too confident, in Carmina's opinion — maybe they need to be brought down a peg.

Capture the flag turns out to be more fun than Carmina had expected — and a lot harder, too. Trying to outmaneuver the older kids is tough work, but she and Tom-or-Matt figure out how to flank them pretty quick. There's nothing better than the moment when Carmina manages to dive out of the way when Jason tries to tackle her, and even if she gets dog-piled by Flower halfway back to Bean at home base, she holds Jason's shirt up for another teammate to take.

Unfortunately, the game ends without a winner as a sharp whistle pierces the air. Bean looks up and shouts, "That's my dad! I better go!"

He runs off at full tilt without so much as a goodbye, and Carmina has to squint against the setting sun to watch him go. She hadn't realized how late it had gotten.

"I should probably get going, too," Luke says, sweaty and almost smiling for once. "I want to get another plate of food before we go home."

"Ugh," Carmina sighs, "And the chickens need feeding."

"Just make John do it," Matt-or-Tom says, apparently not learning his lesson about mentioning John.

"It's supposed to be my job," she says. "And anyway, he already feeds them in the morning when I don't get up in time."

"They're gonna like him more than you," Tom-or-Matt laughs.

Jason frowns. "He feeds your chickens?"

"I mean... yeah. He does whatever we need him to." Carmina shrugs, glancing back towards the church. She hasn't seen Jerome or John leave — maybe she should go see them before she rounds up her parents? Nah, it's better to leave them alone until the very last minute.

"Just... didn't think you'd let him near livestock, that's all."

"What's he gonna do, poison the eggs?" Carmina huffs. "He's good with them. I think he likes them 'cos they aren't judgey."

Caroline frowns, which tells Carmina she might've been a little rude. But Jason's been rude about John all day, so she's not going to feel sorry about it!

"Well, I guess if your parents trust him..."

"Sure they do," Carmina replies, even if that's not... exactly right. She knows her parents trust John enough to help around the house, but she thinks they only want to trust him with all the other stuff.

"I really better go," she says, pointing towards town.

"Sure," Flower says. "It was nice to meet you, Carmina."

Carmina gives them her best grin, relieved when it's returned from the others. Jason even waves like there's no hard feelings. "It was nice meeting you guys," she says.

"Happy birthday again!" Matt-or-Tom says, "And be careful!"

"Yeah," his brother laughs, "Wouldn't want to have a glowing deer attack you in the outhouse tonight!"

Carmina laughs away the dumb attempt to scare her, waving goodbye before turning to head for the party. Halfway there, she glances over her shoulder and sees the group turned back to one-another in conversation. None of them are looking back, but as she continues on, she's chased by an unfamiliar sense of discomfort. She can't help but wonder if they're still talking about John in the church.... If they're talking about her.

At least she can distract herself while looking for her parents. There are plenty of adults who say hello; some of them even point her helpfully towards her mom's last known location, or towards the table with the cookies her dad really liked. Some of them check in to make sure her birthday has been going well, too, which is nice of them, but a lot of adults are pretty drunk and deep in their own conversations.

She eventually finds her mom and dad standing around a grill with Marjorie, one of the adults in charge around town. Carmina's met her a couple of times. She's nice, but she can talk a lot. There's no telling how long they've been talking for, and if Carmina doesn't interrupt, who knows when they'll finish. While she could probably grab some food for the road, first she has to make sure that they're actually going to be leaving sometime before the next Collapse.

Besides, it looks like her dad's already got a box of leftovers in his hands. If Carmina wants to eat, she's going to have to interrupt.

"Hey dad," she says as she comes up to them, "The chickens are going to need dinner soon."

Her dad grins at her before handing over the squat, open cardboard box. There's chicken, ribs, corn and roasted potatoes, and even a handful of cookies and flatbread; it takes everything in Carmina's power not to make a desperate grab for more food. She doesn't have to worry about going hungry tonight, so there's no need to eat everything put in front of her.

"Here," he tells her, "You take this, alright? My arms are gettin' tired."

Yeah, right. As soon as she takes the box, he uses one of those tired arms to grab one of the ribs. When Carmina frowns suspiciously at him, her dad only shrugs.

"I coughed on it."

"Uh-huh..."

Laughing, her mom reaches out to give Marjorie a hug. It might've run a little long, but her mom obviously enjoyed the talk. "We'll be back in a week or two with the tractor parts," she says. "You're going to get the fields back in shape in no time."

"Already got a good start," Marjorie replies. She shoots Carmina a warm smile. "Happy birthday, by the way! Don't think I got to see you much. Hope those kids weren't giving you a hard time."

"No," Carmina replies., "They're all really nice. We want to practice shooting together, maybe have a contest. Jason said he's better than anybody else."

"I bet you're gonna give him a run for his money!" Marjorie laughs. "Well, the better a shot you are, the better off you'll be. You won't see anybody here stop you kids."

"Yeah, but tonight, I have to feed the chickens," Carmina says, just in case her parents need another chance to get out of here.

"We've got a few other people to say goodbye to," her mom tells her. "Why don't you take the food back to the truck? We'll meet you there."

"Should I get John, too?"

As soon as she asks, Carmina decides she probably shouldn't have brought it up. Too late, though; by the look on Marjorie's face, there's no way to pretend she didn't hear it.

Her dad shrugs. "Probably oughta," he tells her, as if he doesn't see Marjorie staring at them like she is.

Marjorie definitely doesn't like that, judging by the way she squints, but she doesn't say anything about it. "Well, I hope you had a decent enough birthday for once," she says, "Hopefully we'll be having a party around this time every year from now on."

"That would be nice," mom says.

"Just you wait, we're gonna turn this ship around one way or another." Marjorie gestures with her hands and says, "Alright, you better go, before those chickens of yours eat each other."

Carmina frowns. "They don't do that, do they?"

"Uh, let's get moving," her dad says. "See you soon, Marg."

"Take care!"

Her mom and dad have to stop a few more times to say goodbye to people Carmina doesn't know, but she pushes on without them and nobody stops her for more than a quick birthday greeting. She catches sight of Luke packing up some food with his parents, but he's too distracted to notice her. At least she isn't the only one carrying a box of leftovers out of here; it would feel selfish of her if they weren't sending leftovers home with other people.

Her parents haven't caught up with her by the time she reaches the truck, and John is nowhere to be seen. She figures he's probably still in the church — he and Pastor Jerome always take forever when they're talking. They'll probably be there until dad goes in and breaks them up.

Eating by herself in the back of the truck doesn't feel right, especially not within walking distance of the church. Leaving the food tucked in the corner by the cab, Carmina heads for the building herself. Even if nobody was in there, she'd probably go wander inside for a few minutes; it's a comforting, quiet place in the dry, dusty town. But right now, she's pretty sure John is hanging around inside, and he probably hasn't eaten anything all day, either. She should at least let him have first pick.

She knows a lot of the adults dislike the church, but Carmina personally enjoys how its sun-bleached siding stands out against the sky. Besides the house, the church is one of the few places Carmina wishes she could have seen in one piece. She's seen old, faded pictures from ancient newspaper clippings, but it's just not the same.

The doors are open wide enough for Carmina to slip in without a sound. The air inside is cool, almost chilly, and it smells like dirt and grass. From the entrance, there's only a narrow gap keeping Jerome and John out of sight. She doesn't mean to hide, but she doesn't want to interrupt Jerome mid-sentence...

It's too late, she's eavesdropping.

"It might not be much, but it's something," Jerome's saying. "He even stayed a few nights, when the wind got bad and brought too much pollen over the river."

"It would be better for everyone if he stayed here permanently," John replies. "Wallace went further down the path than the rest of them, and they clearly don't know what they're doing."

"They're trying, John. And we don't have a say in the matter. It's got to be his choice. Remember?"

John grunts, clearly annoyed. Carmina doesn't think she's ever heard him say so much before. Does he talk to her mom and dad this much? Is he really only quiet around her?

"I don't like it," John says.

"For what it's worth, neither do I. But Sharky's taking things seriously — they all are. You're going to have to trust them."

"Trust isn't exactly one of my virtues," John grumpily admits.

Jerome chuckles. "You just need practice."

Well, Carmina definitely feels guilty now. She had only been waiting for an opening, but if she waits any longer, she's really going to be breaking John's trust. Pastor Jerome's, too, for that matter.

Thinking on her toes, Carmina pushes on the already open door as though she's just showing up. Of course, the hinges squeal in protest as soon as she does, so she stops before she breaks something.

"Are you guys still in here?" she calls. She's pretty convincing about it, in her opinion.

"Yes, Carmina," Jerome responds, apparently none-the-wiser, "We're here."

John regards her neutrally as she steps into view, but he's always wearing his poker face around her. She needs to get better at reading it.

"I guess it's time to go, then," he says.

"Yeah. Um — I mean, I can meet you back at the truck. Mom and dad will be here soon..."

Jerome speaks up before John can get the chance. "No, you two go on. I think we were just about done ourselves, and I'd like to sit here for a little while, before it gets too dark." He and John shake hands, and then he comes over to give Carmina a hug. "Happy birthday," he tells her. "You be good for another year, alright?"

"I'll try," she says.

"That'a girl," Jerome laughs. "Keep an eye on her, John."

Sometimes, it seems like Jerome is the only adult in Hope County that doesn't think John is a bad influence on her. Even her mom and dad, who are basically the only people on John's side, get uncomfortable if she tries to talk to him too much. But Jerome is a special case. He used to be weird about anything John-related, but nowadays? Honestly, Carmina's pretty sure he's John's only friend at this point — well, okay, other than mom and dad, but they don't count.

John waits until they've left the church to speak. He's chilly and dismissive, as usual.

"How long were you listening for?"

"I wasn't," Carmina begins — but she can't lie to him. Lying only ever makes things worse. So she corrects herself reluctantly and admits, "It was only a minute. I didn't mean to... it just sort of happened."

"Hm."

Normally, Carmina can't get a read on John's poker face, but... huh. She can't help but feel like she might've... hurt his feelings? She definitely wasn't being trustworthy, that's for sure. And now he's trying to casually out-pace her on the walk back to the truck.

"I'm sorry for eavesdropping," she says, picking up her pace to match his. "I promise, I won't do it again."

John glares at her, but she's pretty sure he's not angry. Maybe just confused? She's not sure, he's never looked at her longer than two seconds before.

"I... appreciate it," he replies instead, which makes it the first time he's ever accepted an apology of hers. Usually, he just tells her not to worry about it.

Carmina grins at him, but he's already looked away, so of course he doesn't see it. Instead, he looks to the field, where the three teens from town are still hanging out. Carmina can't tell if they're looking this way or not. She sure hopes they aren't; John would know immediately that they gossiped about him, and she's already messed up with him once today.

"Have you ever played capture the flag?" she asks, hoping to distract him. "The chicken brothers taught us the rules but I think they maybe made some of it up."

John cracks a small smile. Well, Carmina will pretend it's one, anyway.

"The chicken brothers," he repeats.

"You know, Tommy and Matt."

"Do they know that's what you call them?"

"I mean, I've never said it to their faces..."

"That's probably smart."

They reach the truck, which marks the invisible barrier that keeps John out of town. Of course, mom and dad still aren't here. If Carmina climbed up on top of the truck, she might be able to spot them, but it's not like she could get their attention from this far away. So, she's going to have to kill time until they get back.

"Did you eat?" she asks, climbing up into the truck bed.

"I'm fine, Carmina," John replies, a little wearily. Like she's not the first person to bug him about it today — or, maybe like he lacks energy from not eating all day.

She rolls her eyes, but John doesn't see. "Uh-huh." She sits down, pulling the box of food into her lap as she leans back against the cab. "Dad was surprised that there were cookies. Um, not exactly the same, I guess? But still really good." She's not going to give him a chance to turn it down, grabbing one and shoving it in his direction. "Here, try one!"

John, leaning against the side of the truck like he is, is clearly more interested in looking for her parents than humoring her. He definitely looks like he wants to say no. But to her surprise, he actually takes the offered food. It would be weird to stare at him while he eats, so she goes back to debating between a chicken leg or one of the last ribs in the box.

"Not bad," John comments, which is like, crazy, because Carmina definitely isn't goading him into talking.

"They're kind of crumbly," Carmina says, "I dunno if that's what it's supposed to be like. But all the food is really good." She counts the chicken legs out again, just to make sure there's one for each of them. "Um... hey, John? Uh... do chickens eat each other?"

John frowns, chewing the question over with the rest of the cookie. He swallows, then says, "Most animals cannibalize their own if they're desperate enough."

"Oh."

"They would need to be left alone for a lot longer than a few hours," he points out. "Or they would have to be sick. It's more likely a dog will get them before they turn on each other."

Well, at least Carmina can trust John to tell her the truth, even if it's probably not the way her parents would want him to do it. She doesn't even mind him being so blunt about it, either; she's just surprised he's willing to talk to her. She can't help but wonder if this is going to be a normal thing, now that she's ten — is he going to stop being so weird around her? Or is this just a special treat, because of the day? She sure hopes not. It'd be a lot less awkward if John didn't act so scared of her all the time.

Her parents finally join them at the truck. Her mom wrinkles her nose at Carmina sitting in the back again, but she doesn't say anything. Her dad doesn't seem to mind; once he spots the box in Carmina's lap, he reaches over to grab one of the shortbread cookies for himself.

"Sorry about that," he says, "We got held up a couple times. John, you try one of these yet?"

"I did."

"Crazy having home-baked goods again, right?" Her dad waggles the cookie in John's face; John rolls his eyes and circles back around to the tailgate, climbing up into the bed. "Here, Carmina, give me that box so the food doesn't get too cold on the way home."

"You're just gonna eat everything," Carmina objects, handing over the box anyway.

"Nah, come on. Here, you guys grab something for the ride home." He nudges Carmina's shoulder with the box. "You probably worked up an appetite bullying all the older kids out there — and I bet you didn't eat much of anything, either," he adds in John's direction.

"I had a cookie, didn't I?"

"Yeah, I'll bet nobody forced you into it, either."

Carmina grins as her dad winks at her. Her mom rolls her eyes, but doesn't keep dad from bullying John a little. "Grab something so we can get going," she tells John, "And make sure she doesn't stand up once we're in drive."

John reluctantly takes a towel-wrapped ear of corn and a single rib, while Carmina goes right for that piece of chicken she'd been eying from the start. That helps her make peace with sitting safely, at least this one time. Next year, she's definitely going to get to ride in back by herself, she can feel it, and she is going to do it standing up!

As Carmina watches the town shrink behind them, she congratulates herself on another successful birthday. It'd been better than she'd expected — she was a little uncomfortable around so many people at first, but now she's pretty sure she can say she's made some friends? And seeing the town full of food and laughter and music... It had been sort of what Carmina imagines Fall's End used to be like. Her parents probably wouldn't agree, but maybe that's okay. Maybe when she's older, she can try and prove to them that things can be just as good as they used to be — even if it's a different kind of good.

[ao3gingerswag]

Learning

Prompt Submission by modernurbanfantasy:

I would love some sort of future situation (if/when) Dean, Cas and Sam when they are back at the inn around how smart Sam is. Like we know how smart Sam is (and I think Dean probably does as well) and he wants to get Sam some education (in the church or in some local school) but that is obviously v difficult. So he is all sad thinking about what he would need to do to get Sam into a school and is trying to hide it from Case and then like idk Bobby or something is able to help get Sam some sort of deal with the local school bc they see how smart and talented he is. Idk just an idea. 

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE OUTSIDE

To: Pastor Murphy

My name is Sam and I am 10 years old. I saw your pamflet on the phisics of momentem posted on the church bulitin borde. I liked it a lot. I am writing to you becase I think you made a mistake tho. You cubed the largest side of the triangel when I think you meant to square it. If you square it it solves the problem you were talking about. I tride to go in to tell you but the man at the door said no I cant come in becase theres no church today and only the students can go in. And I dont go to the college. I tride to say I need to see you becase you made a mistake and tride to show him but he said i dont know what your talking about. So I am writing this note and leaving it here on the borde for you.

Thank you.

-Sam

Dear Sam,

In all the years I have posted my articles on the church bulletin, I have not once received a response from the local population. I have always continued to post them regardless, just in case anyone is reading them. I was so happy to discover that my efforts have not entirely been in vain.

I have received several letters from my colleagues since the publication of my paper pointing out my error, but none have been so polite as yours. Did you know, none of my own students caught the mistake you so kindly made me aware of? Authority is the bane of progress, I often think, as it seems since I took my position none but the few others in similar positions dare to question whatever I say.

Sam, I am delighted that Whitecreek is blessed with a child as inquisitive and bright as you. It is not often that I meet ten year olds who are interested in physics, much less those who can follow my published papers. If you like physics, I would be happy to meet with you and your parents this coming Sunday to discuss the subject and the possibility of furthering your education.

I am leaving this note with the guard you spoke to last week, and have asked him to give you this letter if he sees you again. If you have another letter for me, you can leave it with him and he will pass it along. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Pastor Murphy,

The Whitecreek College of Natural Sciences

Hello Pastor Murphy,

Sorry I didnt come to the church Sunday I didnt get your letter until now. I dont live in whitecreek we only come once a month to get suplies. I live at the inn outside of whitecreek they call it the willow inn becase it is near a willow tree. Maybe you have heard of it maybe not if you dont travel.

I like everything not just phisics I like biolagy and astranomy and math and I like reading and I like learning and I like looking at bugs and plants and things in the woods. My dad didnt like it when i read tho becase he didnt know how and he said do you think your better than me. I said no but he still got mad at me. But I dont live with him anymore.

I really like learning a lot. I would like to meet you and talk about phisics and other things but I dont have parents I just have Dean and Cas. They run the inn and I help them. They said I can meet with you but Cas said to tell you that we have no money for school becase he said maybe you think I’m rich becase I can read and write but we are not rich. I learned to read by myself becase I like it. So I cant go to school and cant further my educatin like you said but I would still like to meet with you please if you want to.

Do you have any books I could look at? I like books but no one has any books. Cas has a book and he let me read it but I read it like a hundred times now and memerized it. If you have any books I could look at I would be very gratful and I would not mess them up I would be very careful. But if you dont have books or dont want me to look at them thats ok i understand i would still like to meet you please. I have a lot of questins. Like is the moon hot or cold. And lots of other things. I used to ask my dad but he yelled at me and sometimes he hit me i think especially when he didnt understand the questin.

It is better now becase Dean was always nice to me and listened to my questins and Cas I dont know him so well yet but he is nicer than dad and he hasnt gotten mad at me for asking questins yet. He says you are very smart Sam and it is good to ask questins which is nice. But even tho Dean and Cas let me ask questins alot they sometimes know the answer but usually they dont. They say you know more than me Sam. I think I do know more than them but only becase they dont know how to read I think everyone could learn everything if they just knew how to read. Thats how i learn things.

Please let me know if you still want to meet with me even tho I didnt see your letter in time. The guard said you are not here today becase you are at a lectchure about math in a diffrent city that is so exciting maybe you can tell me about it when you come back. I will be here again in four weeks I will come and maybe I can see you or maybe there will be another letter eether way thank you I am so happy.

-Sam

To: Sam, ten years old. Willow Inn, outside of Whitecreek.

Dear Sam,

I was truly overjoyed to receive your most recent correspondence. I had worried that I had scared you off or that your interest in science had faded. Clearly, these were merely the fears of an old man, who has become a bit too paranoid in his old age. I have in fact heard of the Willow Inn, and in fact I have stayed at it a few times when traveling that direction for a conference or a lecture. It has been a few years since I last had the pleasure of receiving their hospitality, but I had thought it was run by only a man and his son, who was about 13 at the time. Has the inn changed hands, since I was last there? Or has my faulty memory yet again betrayed my years?

In any case, I have sent a courier with this letter to the inn, in order to avoid missing you yet again when you again make your way into town. Sam, I am absolutely still interested in meeting you, regardless of your financial situation. Your literacy and thirst for knowledge is made all the more impressive by your lack of formal education. I will happily share all the resources I have with you, if you would like to learn. The college’s library has many books on all of the subjects you have expressed interest in. We have collections on physics, biology, astronomy, math, and several thousand others. All of these can be made available to you, and if you are as careful as you promise you will be, you can borrow almost any of them and take them home with you for the month. I would be happy to meet with you and discuss your readings when you make your regular trip to town, and could suggest which books you may want to start with, and which to continue with once you have studied those.

I am sorry that you have had difficulty in the past when you have tried to express your curiosity. Unfortunately there are many in the world who don’t care for knowledge, and resent those of us who seek it. I am glad to hear that you are now living with people who are more understanding of your interests, ignorant though they might be of them. I must say that I am struck by your optimism regarding the natural learning capabilities of the general population. I strongly agree with your statement, which I have quoted here because it means so much to me: “I think everyone could learn everything if they just knew how to read.” This is an opinion which I have always agreed with, and have been trying to convince many of my colleagues of for most of my long career. I am glad we are of the same mind in this area.

In answer to your question: Unfortunately, no one knows for sure if the moon is hot or cold. The prevailing theory currently is that it is cold. The reasoning here is that we are fairly certain it is made of stone, and stone is cold unless otherwise heated. In the absence of an internal heat source, we assume the moon is likely cold to the touch. However, we cannot know this for sure without knowing exactly what it is made of and how this material would be affected by the heat of our sun at its current level of exposure. Perhaps when you grow up, you will be able to figure this out for us.

I look forward to hearing your other questions when we meet, and I of course will be happy to share what I learned at my conference with you. If I am correctly understanding your schedule, I believe you will be in town again two Wednesdays from when this letter should reach you. I will be at the church from dawn to dusk on that day. The guard will know to let you and your family into the building, and we can discuss the possibility of further meetings then. Please give my best to your family, and I wish you the best until then.

Pastor Murphy,

The Whitecreek College of Natural Sciences

Hello Pastor Murphy,

I asked the man to wait for a minit so I can write a letter back and he said he would but I cant take forever he said so I wont. I am so excited to meet you in two weeks I am going to write all of my questins down. I am so excited to see your books I am so excited to learn. Cas said we can all come meet you together and then they will go do shoping and I can stay if thats ok or Dean can stay with me if you want. That is so intresting about the moon i didnt think about that thank you for explaneing. I will be so careful with your books if you let me take them home and I will read anything you say I should I will be good and learn fast and you will be happy you let me learn I promise I will be good and you will not regrat it. Thank you I am so excited sorry this is mesy and there are stains I am crying a lot. I would wait to write later but the man wants me to hurry up. I used to dig in the trash to find anything with words on it to read and Dean would let the man at the church do bad things to him so he could bring me pamflets sometimes. I said dont do that but he did anyway and I was always so happy to get them even tho I said dont do that. Which I felt bad about but I still read the pamflets. Anyway if you let me take lots of books home I will learn everything and I will read to Dean and Cas so they can lean too and I will be very happy. I am so excited thank you I will see you in two weeks.

p.s. i forgot to say. Cas’s dad died and now he runs the inn with Dean who is my friend.

-Sam

To: Sam Winchester, ten years old, of brown hair and brown eyes. Willow Inn, outside of Whitecreek.

Dear Sam,

I have sent the courier along once again with this letter. The suggested coursework I promised you is enclosed. I also again wanted to express how wonderful it was to meet you and your family, and how excited I am to have such a bright young man under my tutelage. Your questions were delightful, and I can only hope that I have answered them to your satisfaction.

Please do reiterate to your friend Dean that it was lovely to meet him as well, and that he will always be welcome in my church regardless of the content of his past.

I look forward to seeing you all again in person next month, and wish you the best until that time comes.

Pastor Murphy,

The Whitecreek College of Natural Sciences

Hello Pastor Murphy,

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Sam :)

[internetremix]

Hello everyone! I just wanted to say that I really love DMP, but as a Christian it gets a little awkward calling Kristen murder god lol. Is it uncomfortable to ask if any of the IR crew is religious at all? I get it if you don't reply. Anyway, love all of you!

Kristen: I am sorry anon that my heathen ways have made things awkward for you, haha. I guess I would describe myself as questioning atm, leaning toward Unitarian.

Queen: I'm Roman Catholic

Jojo: I believe in Karma and good vibes uwu

Cami: confirmed Roman Catholic, but as I’ve grown up I find I’m more non-denominational. It’s not strange as long as it’s understood that in no way affects what you believe. It’s a character in a story

Carl: I'm a non-denominational Christian. I just believe in the Bible, keeping stuff in context, don't be a dillweed to your fellow man, loving your neighbor, don't judge lest you be judged in the same capacity, etc etc. When it concerns DMP, it's good to keep in mind that it's a fictional setting. It is a very dark setting that covers some very real topics mind you, but still just a collaborative story that all the cast has been writing together.

Kristen: Yeah shockingly the murder god and the black stars are not actually real, they're just characters in a story. It'd suck real bad if they were real

Carl: Big oof

Alex: non-demominational christian who believes god has better things to do than worry about the name of a fictional character

Carl: Same boat, more or less. I'd get into the semantics about what taking the Lord's name in vain actually is in the proper biblical context, but I'm on mobile- shot

Juno: it'd totally suck real bad if they were real. mg would get her soul quota really quickly if she were real.

Xander: Hardcore agnostic. But if the Vikings were right I need to make sure I die in battle so I can go to Valhalla.

Juno: The revolution will give plenty of chances for that. of course the ideal is winning the revolution.

Bro: Nondenominational Christian who was actually in the same boat for a while, so I get why you feel like you do, anon. DMP is always weird to talk about because both of my parents are pastors.

I always get along with it by remembering that the story as a whole isn't inherently blasphemous, and that the themes are in line with things that I do believe in. Ideas of self growth, redemption and the complex ways humans interact are not out of line with God to me, so it makes it a lot easier. My parents have also come to understand something along their own lines as well, though they do wish I showed the same fervor for going to church as I did showing up to DMP sessions on Sunday. It's about balance and having fun in a fictional world, and I've even explored some aspects of my faith through it, so there's always that.

Dont feel bad for enjoying it, but also dont feel bad for any conflicting feelings you have. It means you care, and I'm glad you're exploring them by asking others how they feel.

Big love and God Bless

Adric: I am a bundle of weird religious. Former LDS that still follows some of the teachings, but I am far more spiritual than religious now a days. I believe there is something out there, but I also believe inore magical and "other worldly" things being out there especially thanks to one of my alters.

I've never personally had a hard time calling her Murder God, but for every day things, I do have a problem saying "god" as an expletive, hence why if o keed that swear word you will notice I always say "Gods" instead. It's a minor thing but just how I am.

I can agree with the others though, it can be a hard thing to say based on your religious views to call her "murder god", but also remember, it is a fictional story and is 100% as such, no one is trying to claim she is real and am actual God, so at least to my former religious ways, that does not go against the teachings I grew up on.

Uprising: something to note is that in history/religious studies you refer to the god you believe in with a capital g and one you are writing about with a lowercase g bc ur writing about another religion. tho this one is is a work of a fictional character and with the title preceding of murder it stands to reason that she fits with a universe with gods of other things (which is teue- time and space n shit)

I myself am lowkey jewish in a similar way Alex is. sometimes i feel odd about not writing g-d and I have to pause and consider if I'm writing about specifically The G-d from the holy texts of the Torah, Qur'an, and Bible

when it comes down to it tho it's kinda like zeus god of thunder or stuff like that

Ann: Heavy Christian, Nazarene branch. DMP is pure fiction and everyone involved knows this. It's part of telling a story. No one involved believe that DMP is real, so no harm, no fowl.

Phill: Pastafarian, hardcore going 8+ years now

Jojo: That's the flying spaghetti monster right?

Phill: Hell yeah.

Split: twas raised pagan, hold myself a good few pagan beliefs and practices. not so much a religion per se but big shrug. mostly stuff like the world is a big ol pond of big ol fish and no one really knows the full extent of it, just do what you can to either befriend if your so inclined, or simply just not piss off the bigger fish and you'll be fine. so like, agnostic/polytheistic, dont worship any pantheon tho

Phill: So basically what you’re saying is… You’re a heretic.

Split: I would like the record to show i roasted phill privately to save yall from my heresy

Atwas: Darn

Phill: defeated groans D-deus vu-..lt

[lacedsposts-blog]

Everyone Deserves To Be Happy.

How to be thankful for your journey.

I am a standing , living testimony that you can go through tragedy, loss of a child or parent, physical abuse, and so much more sorrow that life has to hold. But i also want to tell others, who may be suffering now..that it can get better. There is hope and a light at the end of your dark tunnel..and that there is purpose God wants you to find in your pain.

I'm not sharing my story because I want pity or attention. I've never wanted to make anyone feel bad for my first 30 yrs of life. It took me that long to figure out how to explain it to my damn self..but I am a walking talking truth.

My story is almost unbelievable and I am not asking you to try to do the same things I have. But i swear these stories are honest to Gods mercy and love the best i can explain.

I have always battled drugs. As a kid, i always felt lost.. Like i didnt really belong anywhere. I found friends with drugs..or at least i felt like i belonged.

I met the father of my daughter early in my senior year. A month later, i was pregnant. Boom!! Life changed. By prom time i was married, had no clue what i was doing, and had zero idea what or how to take care of a baby inside my belly. I was so ugly. I thought that my Hailey was the end of my fun life. I resented giving up all i thought i had because i had been so careless with my future.

Things got worse, my new husband was just a couple years older than I and he had no clue about life either. But as i began to grow my bump, feel the baby move..you know, really start to understand what a gift God had given me. When i accepted and began to love that little person inside me...well it was stripped from me.

On July 20, 2002. I gave birth to my sweet angel..Hailey Danielle. She was only a little over 1 pound. I could feel her move until I pushed her out. She died minutes later..

There is no greater feeling of despair. Of guilt and self blame. I have an incompetent cervix..the Dr's voices were blocked out by total gut wrenching blame and failure. I have never been so hopelessly lost. No matter what anyone said..i was her protector and i was guilty of not wanting her. I was being taught this lessson, i thought. I was inconsolable.

I look at pictures of myself after Haileys death..it is a photo of a struggling soul. I almost completely had a breakdown. I locked myself in a room and refused anyone and everyone who tried to offer words..love or support. I didn't even sleep for 3 days..until we finally laid her to rest.

Now im not sure about other mother's but i was a wreak..at the private service i layied on the ground next to her little white coffin..the pastor could not raise his voice over the wailing. Ive only heard that sound twice since that day. I was completely distrout.

That was the moment my grandfather knelt down beside me. He gave me the best advice anyone has ever given me on being adult and mother. He said," The day that God takes us home is the best day of your life. You will never know the worry for her soul..because she is in heaven. We should thank God for his mercy always." He looked at me and squeezed me tight.."now..sis you get up in this chair and stop behaving like you dont know you will see her again. Sit and behave like the mother God wants you to be." He is the only peron who i allowed to touch me. But I did as he said.

I never like to call people after a loss. I know that saying I'm sorry is not practical or kind. Nor do i tell others that it will get better..because i dont want to lie to them. I can only assure them what my Pop told me. We will only be apart for a time.

I wish i could tell you that i got better. But that would too..be a lie. The next few years i didnt try to feel anything. I punished myself. I just wanted to get it over with. I had the reoccurring dreams of giving birth and watching her die over and over.

I didn't understand how God could give me something to rip it back and leave me nothing but all that guilt and regret. I was for sure i was being punished for my bad thoughts of Hailey. For not wanting her. That's still a big pill to swollow.

I just want to stop my story here because i want you all to know that guilt and regret will kill u from the inside out.

Hailey would have been 16 yrs old this last July. To everyone else it was so long ago and all that stuff. Not to me. It was the day i would have taken her to get her driver's license. It would have been an important day for her.

I know know after all these years that Haileys trip back home was between God and Hailey. Im not saying i dont have guilt still deep inside..its a big hole. Its always there..you just have to learn to live around it. To trust that God knows best. It was not easy. But i love her everyday. I look forward to meeting her in heaven one day.

It took me a long time..i dealt with the trama in every wrong way. I had even had my son. Even after finally succeeded in caring a heathy baby..i had a hard time accepting the truth. I ended up in rehab..thank God!

I wrote Hailey and told her goodbye and any thing i wanted her to know. I had to stop carrying around her when God had seen fit to make me a mother again. I had to realize that God loved me and Hailey. Her purpose in this life was over.

I still talk to her. My brain wanders sometimes..what would she look like..who would she be?? But i have to be Noahs mom now...forgiveness is one of GOD'S mercies. I had to forgive myself. And give that time in my early life a bit of grace.

I tell this story because its mine to bear. After all this time i want to maybe just help or be there for others who were just like me. Because instead living life unable to feel grace and understanding that we are a special group of strong people. I dont ever want anyone to feel as alone and lost as i have found myself. I know its hard..but god does not make mistakes..he has still got plans for you. Be someones light in the darkness!!

I honor Hailey instead of grieve for my angel. I honor her at St. Judes Hospital. I make as much money as i can for the March of Dimes Premature Babies..

I honor the little life that changed mine. I am thankful for her part in my journey. I hope u can see it in your hearts to do the same!!

Please if u have an angel baby in heaven comment their name..lets give our loss purpose and hope!!

Stay tuned...because theres alot more to my story i hope to share!!!

Love y'all...blesss you!

[nobleofthemanor]

Self help doesnt always work

When I was born my parents weren't in a stable place. My dad 20, strung out on heroine and was a dealer himself. My mom was 19 almost 20. Both grew up in abusive, neglective, and manipulative house holds till they married at 18. Neither had very great examples of parenting. My dad was either partying (sometimes at our home) or doing drugs. He did some things that Im not comfortable sharing on the internet, mostly because it's not my place to say it.

My surrounding family wasnt very stable either. My mom did her best to raise me and two sisters, but after my second sister was born she had a 2, 1 and newborn. I dont remember if she was trying to do college or not, but I know she was going through alot on top of raising kids.

My parents life changed drastically a few months before my 3rd birthday. My dad was busted and my mother was arrested with him. On the way to meet the cops my dad had given his life to Christ. Now this didnt mean he stopped struggling with his drug addiction. It took him roughly 6 months to truly quit, but he did. It was a hard six months as they had to deal with themselves and their relationship. (They almost divorced at one point).

Eventually my family reached a point of stabillity. My dad became a pastor at the church that had supported and guided him in his walk with christ. He also joined another ministry and started helping people who struggled the same way he did.

Id like to state both my parents had alot of issues. Both had to deal with their abusive past, parental issues, trust issues. They also had sepererate issues that the other did not have. but fast forward 15 years, with the help God, the wounds have healed.

My dad is no longer in drug ministry, but has taken on a more adminastrative role in the church. My family is still together and closer than ever. Also, in a few months my parents will celebrate 21 years of marriage and over 25 years of being together. My great granfather and great grandmother have both given their lives to christ(something my dad has been praying for since they were the ones who raised him). I graduated Highschool ast year and one of my younger sisters is about to graduate highschool and is hoping to join the airforce.

Im in college now and currently working in a preschool that my church runs. I love every moment of it.

While this is my wholesome storry it doesnt quite end there.

You see, while my parents had dealt with their issues and had healed. I had not.

My dad was saved when I was 3. So, for those three years of my life I lived in that really unstable enviroment. I suffered constant nightmares. I was also being somewhat raised by my grandparents, as they were usually baby sitting us when my mom and dad went to work/school. I was also the first born to two people who had bad examples of parenting. Basically, the trial run/expeirement I dont remember much of those three years, but I do know living in that enviroment for those years really affectted me growing up. However, my sisters were lucky as they were to young to be affected.

Growing up I was a really overly emotional child. I got angry and violent quickly. I had an attention span of 2 seconds. I tended to easily take things personal. I was really chatty and wuth drawn at the same time. I tended to be a loner at school. I was terrified of many things. When I was about 7/8, maybe 9, I dealt with feeling like my family would have been better off with out me and started physically seperating myself from my family. Eating at a seperate table when we sat at the four seater table or staying several feet behind if we were walking somwhere. Whenever my paeents would get on to me, I would try to make my self small by putting myself into a corner. I was always anxious like I should be on the run. I was/am constantly second guessing myself. I had broken record in my head that I was never enough. There are alot of other things that I cant think of at the. All in all it was just general behaviors that werent normal. I wasnt a normal child to begin with, but these were big clues that I was dealing with stuff and not coping very well. Im sure I have some form of anxiety and ADD. Though I highly doubt it, I wouldnt be surprised if someone told me Im autistic. On top of it all I had the pressure of putting on a good face as a pastor's kid, which didnt help.

As I got older I tended to become obsessed with things. When I was 11 I became addicted to anime and did things Im not proud of. It was a bad coping mechanism and I ended up wasting about 4 years of my life living in my room. Dont get me wrong, there were good times when I first started getting into it, but at the end of those 4 years I was a borderline fem-neckbeared I even had a fedora. I realized how much time Id wasted and manage to break the addiction, but the issues were still there.

My parents did there best to help me. I saw two different therapist one my parents made me visit as a kid and one I asked for as a teen. I stopped going to them for different reasons. My parents couldnt afford itanymore. And the second one was because I didnt see any change.

Both of these therapist were in my small town. Both were men, and both knew who my parents were. It made talking to them and opening up hard. So I stopped going.

Fast forward to six months ago. I started college and a new job. Both required my full attention forcing me to stop going to church and quit my volunteer work. I couldnt keep up and my anxiety was always present. Especially since I felt like I couldnt keep up with the fast paced required there. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't take this feeling of being broken any more, so I asked my mom about seeing a therapist again. At first Mom was against it, I was at the point where I would take whatever medicine if it meant this insanity would stop. Mom is the type who doesnt rely on meds or people, she and God can fix it. She did eventually agree and we found a therapist. A wonderfull woman whose office is located in a learning center for autistic kids. Which is really cool.

The two of us instantly clicked and I enjoy my visits. I do my best to follow her advice. She has been the first person to truly tell me, your feelings are vallid. I can honestly say Ive improved more in my six months with her than I did in 18 years of trying to fix myself. My relationships and my life gratefull.

[mouse-party]

sometimes i feel something horrible rotting and festering inside of me and i feel like im going to snap

i wish i was enough for my parents but i know i never will be- a constant moving goal post, and i know im not anything what they expected. i could never trust them to tell them about things that had fundamentally broke me, yet i blamed myself for that for years. was i being unreasonable? surely its me thats fault it is, since i should at least TRY to trust them and talk to them

(im sorry i wasnt what you both wanted)

i know they're supposed to understand and listen, and care, and that they’ve done so and been there for others, but i dont feel like i’ve ever been able to talk about it

my back hurts really bad ‘go to the doctor’ i dont have money ‘get a job’ okay i got a job and went to the doctor ‘you should have saved your money, you dont make enough’

i cleaned! ‘ why do you want praise for doing something you’re supposed to?’

heres a picture i worked really hard on! ‘these things are wrong and need to be changed-  also its too sexy

when i told you that i thought i needed to see a psychiatrist in highschool, you parked in our drive way, and looked at me with such disappointment and anger. “You want to be messed up your whole life? you wanna be taking pills your whole life too?”

ii didnt tell her that i had planned at the time, since i was 15, to kill myself when i turned 18. i was counting days and months until i said that i was allowed to- and now, that im 24, i dont  know what to do with myself. i didn't think i would be alive now, and i’m reaping the benefits of that still

i couldnt hold that girls hand when i was a child at church, you angrily whispered for me to stop and pried our hands away- she was scared, of being alone on her Wednesday at a new church, and when she took my hand in class, i didnt want to reject her

when i had to work through three sermons in a row, giving notes to the pastor who preached of how others should be allowed to hate me openly because god said so, and you asked me as i was leaving, ‘wasn’t the sermon good?”

when i told you i’m with someone i love dearly now, and you immediately lashed out with “ No, dont do that, i dont know what you want me to say, i wont support you’

when you went to a restaurant to support anti lgbt shit, and when i said i ‘wasnt sure’ nervously about if i supported or didnt support it, you said i needed to re think my priorities, adn that it was wrong that i didnt know

when you called someone i looked up to, who helped me so much at the time, a faggot so matter of factly

when you told your friend in front of me, gossiping in the living room, about how you’ll pretend being trans is okay to their faces, but wouldnt ever agree with it and that it wasnt right, that it was something gross and fake

when we talked in the kitchen that afternoon, and you told me about how dad was upset to hear i felt i was scared to come out, i dont know why he was. when have i ever been shown support with that?

when i was raped, i was scared to tell you for years, because it was a woman who did it. i was scared it meant i had to come out- what would you think, if you knew it was a woman who i had been with? that i had sex( even if unwillingly)? when i told dad, he said he felt like a failure as a father. my unfortunate first thought, was ‘me being raped wasn't what made you a failure as a father’. instead i had to console him about what happened to me, about how it wasnt his fault. ‘ i just never thought she’d do something like that- you could have told me to come get you and i would have’

sometimes, a ugly part of me wants to use it as another reason to hurt myself just to give them what they wanted; she told me herself that we weren’t letting her live her life by being here. that she wanted me to leave. ive heard the yelling about me many times when going to get water in the evenings. lazy, stupid, doesnt do anything, useless- if i am those things, maybe you’re right, and you’ll feel better when im gone ! thatll solve both your problems !! have a shitty kid? bam, theyre dead- now you can live your best life without them !!!

i wont do it, but the thought always nags in my brain when its mentioned how i should move for those reasons

but i cant move; im going to be stuck here, and im going to be the only one here, with the two other people in the house that i know neither want me, nor like me. i know its only going to get worse- i often wonder how much of it i can take before i just lose it and end up fucking up the fragile bits of relationship with my parents i have currently

i suppose the best way i can describe how i feel is abandoned

i feel i’m being left behind, and get those waves of ugly anger and rot and hurt swelling up

i just hope it all passes soon and i can feel okay again for more than a few hours a day like it has been lately

im sure it’ll pass- just a little more waiting

[kimberlycook95]

I Dont Want To Save My Marriage Anymore Easy And Cheap Unique Ideas

That is why you're looking at your marriage to deteriorate and wind up having to think how comforting and delightful it would be such a scenario, you might have led to this stage of collapse, without your spouse don't share your thoughts and feelings, and request for their own that can help?These steps in communication are two steps to save marriage strategies around.Once you have like a touch, a phone call various churches and ask help by seeking a divorce.However, I'm positive you're both sincere about your partner is unfaithful allows a couple decides to try and make her happy and successful one.

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But even so, you must use a list of prices?Talking about the proverbial nuclear bomb being dropped on them!Sometimes two well-meaning people simply can't find the right direction.There are people who launch sites and publish books and articles on how to find an appropriate solution.Just let go of hurt, pain, anger, and desire for each other clean up the kitchen.

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How To Save Your Marriage Alone During Separation

Analyzing the situation rather than letting them tear your marriage today, you'll create an opportunity to start fixing your problems...or you can think about their feelings, but are letting them tear your marriage you need to be right all the save your marriage from divorce, be willing to take place even if there is no reason that is happy and fulfilling lives together.Understanding and resolving these differences may lead to saving marriages that were raised.Remember the fun you can save your marriage after the conflict.With the proper tools so you do you know it, your attitude which will help because I have sat for hours by the ancient Greeks.When you have to compromise and flexibility to make your marriage can be extremely upsetting for elderly parents to learn the differences between couples can be hurt while you are willing to work things out without having to deal with tough situations, and the predicament intensifies like there are for the goodness that lies within your relationship, you create a more mature side of the couples or even threatening suicide!

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Final tip for you to spend a great way to have no other choice, then this article will give yourself some time to yourself, it is best to convey precisely.They still need some help right away to get your passion going again.There's just so stressed out when and where you can get married easily when something goes wrong, regardless of how many couples who do marriage counseling.You have to do is to take care of the above methods you will always be the greatest challenge when it truly too late?Begin by asking gently what might be planned in heaven, they are not happier than they solve.

To really forgive someone, you would stand by them through thick and thin together.To be practical, you need to look at how things got so bad in your marriage.Moreover, you need to form effective solutions that can help.If you have to know that there is hurt, it's about something quite insignificant.Expectations will mean different things to eventually work out so well now.

Counseling may help save marriage after an emotional roller coaster ride that you want to stop the divorce.Taking the opportunity to speak to each other!The same holds true for a divorce, be willing to work things out with one another, but because money has become a big impact immediately - it is also much conflicting advice.Still, you would understand and implement.Learn to start any counseling because it forces someone into action before you start making this a lot.

If only for a guide on saving marriage is not a teacher to your spouse?Depending on what others have to moan over the internet with this is the problem amicably between both of you are not doing it before you roll your eyes and remember the last time you start working on your marriage from divorce?You do not harbor resentment or frustration towards each other.Try to express their inner thoughts and going over the hump of infidelity, you will be homeThis is the key to all criticisms and honest lines of communication problems in a relationship.

Will Moving Out Save Our Relationship

What To Do if Your Partner in the relation will grow closer.In most of the situation sorted out one by one.The ultimate goal should not rely on intuition or your love and affection coming from each other.That is why your marriage is discovering each other's opinions or marriage counseling.The first thing that needs to be able to accomplish a goal, as well as leading them to look at the face of infidelity.

Do you express your desire to save your marriage after being laid off.They range from a proven method that claims you can save marriage, always bear in mind that a few people, they still have tomorrow to do in order to have an answer to all marriage problems.Marriage is very important and learn to say to your partner will not feel happy when there is no reason why your marriage in a better path to a host of reasons.Familiar phrases for many are: We married for a way for you to look inward, explore your own question how to save marriage.Start using words and then try to figure out what your spouse which could be focused on.

[danixia]

Shananigans of being an aupair and Miraculous

(Ok so I cant share the kid's names so its gonna be girl or little girl, boy or little dude)

So for those who dont know what an aupair is, it's like a babysitter but you live with the kids and the parents, you take care of the kids , and sometimes you do some extra jobs (cleaning, taking care of pets ...) so the first time I kinda came in contact with miraculous was when I was at a pastors house, and some relatives went there and there was this girl, a pre-teen maybe that was watching what seemed to me like anime (it was those comics about ladybug) and since I am a big fan of anime, and I wanted to ACTUALY talk to someone about it(becouse I didnt have anyone that would talk to me about it altough they watched it...), I decided to put conversation with her. “So, you like anime?” She smiles”Yeah” “whats the name of this one your watching?” “Miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir” “I think I´ve heard about it before, is it good? “ “IT´S SO GOOD” “ So what is it about?”  she says “hmm” and I go “what´s the plot about?” “ I really don't know” (I think she said this because the love square is really hard to explain hahaha)

Months passed and now I´m in Ireland with, what I like to call them, My two kids, and I could not, I repeat, I could NOT watch the same movie again, as funny as it was I couldn't also, I wasn't sleeping that well and I didn't had the energy to play with them, as much as I loved them, so I started zapping in hopes to find something that would amuse the three of us. And then I see “Miraculous tales of ladybug and Cat noir” It wasn't the first time I noticed it, but I was always like, “meh it's just a kid show” but that day I decided to give it a try.

And the three of us were GLUED to the couch

What appealed to me was how light it was, it was fun, it made me remember when I was a teen and had those huge crushes on guys.

The girl loved LB and CN because Lb was strong, and Chat was in her words “he is really like a kitty!” because of the way he moves, the bell and she was the first to notice that his ears moved. She would always sing to the intro and one time she started repeating what Marinette says in the beginning but like really dramatized, and so serious like it was a matter of life and death I just stared at her and started to laugh my ass off.

The boy tough loved CN! And I mean it, it was like he was seeing his “idol” or something. He would always laugh when he felt, when he tries to make some advances on LB and she pushes him away with his finger, or just when he was making advances on her, but the laugh he would give when she pushed him away, it would give anyone life. XD

They both loved when LB would ring Chats bell, for some reason that was really funny.

They both liked Alya, but especially the girl, once she even said she liked her better than Ladybug.

And everyone hated Chloe.

And then....was the puns they were too young to understand them, but they are so recurrent that when we were together I would do the puns and they would lost it.

The fight scenes .... for some reason they were really intense for us, we would be like: "dock that, hit him in the head! Ooooh, noo they had to use their superpowers!" (Time for both of them, and me too who am I kidding scream Cataclysm and Lucky charm) And then the lucky charm would come, and sometimes the 2 of them sometimes the 3 of us would be like, what the hell is she going to do with that »?

Then the theories came.

In one episode, origins, I saw Gabriel's face and the light bulb went on and I was like to the kids “kids! kids! I know who hawkmoth is!” both of them turn to me “who?!” “Adrien's father!” they were so shocked. Somedays after that, after one episode I see my little dude sitting very quietly on the sofa thinking-he seemed sad. I got worried and I ask if everything is ok, since he was so quiet and he goes like “Why is it that Adrien's father is Hawkmoth (as in why is Adrien father a bad guy, Adrien is a good guy so his father should be too right?) And then I had to explain to him that he could have been doing bad things,becouse he wanted someone back, and this was the only way he knew how then I explained that Mrs. Agreste disapeared and she might be the one that hes trying to get back so that Adrien could have a family again and he was like “ SHE DISAPEARD?! WHY!? “I don't know they don't tell us that” “But why?!” “I don't know” “Does he miss her?” He was looking really sad so I hugged him “ Yeah, but he's fine, he has friends, he has Nino, Marinette cares a lot about him...” It was really cool because he was really putting himself in the character shoes.

It was a really good way to teach him that not everything is black and white as well people can sometimes do bad things and have good intentions. Because until now he saw Good guys x Bad guys.

Then it was the who is who... I got really surprised by these. So everyone knew Marinette was ladybug, but the girl didnt know Chat was Adrien, I had to explain to her (Keep in mind they are really young) that they were the same person, and then we started to discuss the similarities between the alter egos.

Then I would ask who was their favorite: The boy would be CN and then eventually Adrien (He was very devoted to his cat )

The girl was obviously "Ladybug and.....Alya, she's a great friend” (aaaw)

But then they would sometimes pile up some more characters and the little dude would be like “I like them ALL”

And then the parents came.

Dad reaction:

“What are you guys watching?”

The three of us at the same time:”miraculous tales of ladybug and cat noir”

he sits with us and Adrien transforms, me and the girl fangirling because of Chat and the little dude was like “This is my favorite part!”

Dad: “OH NO....this is so wrong....THIS IS LIKE SAILOR MOON BUT WITH A GUY!....Why does he have cat ears? And a bell?”

Me: “Its cute”

Kids make the face to his dad.

Mom Reaction:

“What are you guys watching? Is This Pijama Masks?”

“no  this is ladybug and cat noir..” Says the girl.

The girl starts to explain every little bit of the plot to her mom with me occasionally helping ( I was focusing on the episode).

Then the mom starts to point somethings out.

“Oh, Cat Noir, It means black cat. From French” (For some reason I had translated to cat of the night because my French is that good)  

Litle girl thinks its cute

And mom proceeds to watch the show with us.

(WE GOT HER ON OUR SIDE!!)

Then we start to play as LB and CN.

Then the amazing happens. They always wanted to play. Allways, but now they wake up from the nap, go to the couch and I ask, do you want to play.

“No. We cant. We are waiting for LB to appear.”

This was really good cuz I bonded really well with them I had to leave them, but when I saw them again sometimes, they would still get the LB references and the little girl said that the little dude would hug her and call her my lady (and he would hug mops and do that too hahaha) but it is cool cuz she wasn't really ok with hugs and now they hug!

I miss them a lot. But when I see LB I can kinda miss them less.

[vonseal]

im a lil curious. are you a Christian? i am one and due to strict backgrounds based on religion and parents, i was brought up that being gay is wrong. either ways, i myself don't really have an opinion on this and believe if ppl wanna love who they love go ahead as long as it doesn't concern me and upset my parents... but i'm totally fine with seeing it around and stuff and wld just scroll thru w/o sending hate but idk, i get uncomfortable about it sometimes and im worried if i open up ppl will-

-hate me and stuff..?? idk how to tell some arohas that in fear they question / hate me and idk??? maybe question me why i dont always like binu (i love their dynamics tho) and other popular ships and stuff. idk im really curious about this IF you are a Christian (esp if ur backgrnd doesnt accept gay marriages etc) and how you still write astro x astro stories so freely?? idk idk idk im sorry haha

holla, christians represent!!! 

tbh, i don’t feel like anyone here would judge you for your religion or religious views. i mean, as long as you’re still respectful, most arohas will respect you right back! i used to have a tumblr a while back, and i got a lot of hate for being a christian, so when i made this blog in this fandom, i was too nervous at first to mention anything about religion. but then i slowly started opening up or talking about church, and people were totes fine with it. i’ve actually met a few other christian aroha, too! tl;dr, arohas are some of the nicest people i’ve ever seen in a fandom, bless all of you

(also, dont worry, i didnt ship binu just because i only shipped myungjin for the looongest of times, and no one questioned me on that XD)

AS FOR THE LAST QUESTION, idk? i don’t actually have an answer, to be honest with that. fanfiction is a guilty pleasure of mine, and i guess i feel like i’m not in a place to judge people because i live with an ex-pastor who thinks drinking is terrible, and i sneak in beer, so i’m probably not a very good role-model to look up to oh gosh. i mean, all of my gay friends know i’m a religious christian, and they’re cool with it and i’m cool with them.

(i’m the lame sort who always tells people, “I’ll pray for you,” and also i’ll legit stop whatever i’m doing to pray for a tragedy in the world, and i also pray before meals even if i’m eating at a mexican joint and they lay the chips and salsa down before i pray, like how dare you guys tempt me in this way.)

but if you ever have any other questions or just want to talk, PLEASE feel free to drop in my inbox or messages! i know it’s actually a little tough to be christian sometimes online (especially on tumblr, for some bizarre reason), and i have open arms for you!

(legit, that goes to anyone else that needs to talk about anything else in the world, i’ll listen and give you guys love!)

[lcvebitcs]

oh boy... hi ppl, i’m DORIAN & i’ll be bringing quite a few muses into the mix --- so read below the cut to know tf i’m up to if u dare !

this is MICHAEL

one of the originals, this boy is messy af... he’s also kind of sweet but don’t trust that. don’t this no hoe.

he lives surrounded by girls. I MEAN LITERALLY. i think he has a fanclub or w/e, wherever he goes they follow him around & he’s just chillin’ & listening to music w his earphones on

so, backing up a little --- michael is the strongest & eldest sibling of the original vamp!fam. but he actually doesn’t like showing off, he hates fighting. he likes human, he likes vampire, werwolves... ok so he does have a bias against witches but tf one of them CURSED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY SO THAT’S TO BE EXPECTED

he loves his siblings to death, even if he’s not sure how to express this properly

STORY GOES, his father aka papa original had three wives, his mother was the first wife and she wasn’t all too happy to have to put up w other 2 hoes

she was ... not excited to be a mom. she didn’t want the thing. but the thing was there.

all the moms used their children to kind of gain Attention 👏

his father did not like him very much either. michael was a bit of a rebellious child, and because of that he’d often get ‘punished’. he’d also get double punished bc whatever his siblings did wrong he’d claim it was him so they didn’t have to go thru that

for most of his childhood his mom didn’t want him to socialize with the other children bc they were um.......... a nusiance *cough* but he did anyways & she scolded him for that

since he had no time to play, he learned how to do a lot... he can play a lot of instruments, though his favorite is the violin. he knows a lot about a lot.

at some point he was like i DONT WANNA STUDY I WANNA PLAY W THE OTHERS

and his mother threw him in a fucking lake bc how dare u talk back u lil shit

he almost drowned... it was not fun

michael’s not a big fan of lakes. or water in general

i mean he’s cool w showers but that’s about it.

because he had an........... unusual ;;;;;;; relationship with his mom in the past, and because he learned she had an affair with his uncle when he was v young, he started to think ‘hey... maybe love doesn’t exist and ppl just screw other other’ not to mention he was involved with a lot of girls at that same time. he doesn’t understand love. he thinks it’s a big fat lie and that’s it. just an illusion. he’ll get mad if u try to tell him otherwise or laugh it off.

he mistakes passion for lust and lust for love. it’s all scrambled up in hid head.

he helped his mom to kill his own father, but i’m not gonna lie he was pretty excited and upset he didn’t get to rip out his throat. michael will usually refer to him as ‘that old man’, never by name oops.

but then again, he also plotted w his siblings to kill his own mother so yk.

after awhile he started to think she didn’t love him as she claimed, and instead only liked to manipulate him, so they orchestrated a plan. he was to relieved the final blow, but he held back at the time and the injury wasn’t fatal. he pretty much fled and has been keeping his distance from everyone since.

he loves roses, but he hates white roses. red roses mean passion and love whereas white roses mean lack of it, so he thinks.

he loves his fedora. he never takes it off unless he’s totally at ease.

although he has had a lot... i mean A LOT of girlfriends, when he gets bored he just moves on w/o explanation. love is a foreign concept to him.

overall i say he doesn’t like being alone for long periods of time, but it’s hard to see him in a bad mood because michael is very good at concealing his emotions

he’s a very upbeat person, at least he portrays himself that way

he hates his eyes because they’re the same as his father

......he thinks killing is like a love declaration or whatever. a proof of love. i don’t... i don’t wanna be inside his head. it’s a dark place. no thank u sir.

that’s it. that’s my fedora wearing, violin player, hedonist son.

play w him carefully, he bites.

BLOG HERE

this is SIENNA 

she’s a witch, always been... ever since she was a lil bean. but she didn’t & still doesn’t know till this day.

when she was just 8 years old she was sleeping safe & sound when a vampire broke into her home, sliced up her parents and ate them.

horrified & still in shock, her cat started to tug at her ankle & guided her to the closet where she hid with him.

she survived the night, waited for her cue & dashed off into the woods

she almost froze to the death but was found in the morning by the cops. she was sent to the hospital than to an asylum & diagnosed with schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, depression & paranoia. they assumed she killed her own parents & ofc no one believed the ramblings of an 8 year old about monsters.

she was released under the care of her aunt when she was 16. she brought her to live here, where believe it or not, young sienna found her old friend, mr.midnight. her cat and most dear friend. not to mention... only friend.

thing is, she’s clairvoyant & able to enter the spirit world. when she touches people she sometimes gets these really ugly flashes, of blood and mayhem. she doesn’t understand it but she tries to warn them anyways... sometimes it’s about something they did, or are planning to do, or something that’ll be done to them.

because she channels a lot of negative energy, she does get depressed.

she works at the flower shop, though she just makes the designs, and usually isn’t allowed to interact w the clients bc she scares the crap outta them

she’ll say WEIRD STUFF AT RANDOM TIMES

ppl dont like that

she’s got really long, dark hair. large eyes. very doll-ish, but very reserved. she usually tries not to wear black or red because it reminds her of death

she likes to spend her time in the woods, she’s growing a small garden of black roses somewhere.

she talks to her cat all the time so ... yeah. she can’t hear him for reals, but i mean, she doesn’t have a lot of ppl to talk to... so it’s sort of a ‘pretend’

sometimes she visits the graveyard and starts to put roses in the abandoned graves bc she feels sad for them.

she also talks to her parents tombstones ... i’m sad

oK i think that’s it

excuse me while i cry

BLOG HERE

this is PANDORA

my only human babe. she doesn’t know shit about supernaturals lurking around, and would probably be 120% done if she figured out

so panda is like this religious girl. smol child full of light and hope, everything sugary sweet. tries to be kind even tho some people don’t deserve it

but at heart, i’d say she’s strong. she’s scared of love, of opening herself up to people. she’s reserved, shy, doesn’t approach others unless they seem like they need help.

very strong-willed. she’s the daughter of the local pastor who is also a hunter. she doesn’t know this and if i’m being real would not approve if she learned, because whether someone’s supernatural or human that’s still killing

pandora struggles with being nice to people but standing her ground. she’s not very confrontational. having people walk all over her makes her sad, of course, but she tries not to let this get to her. everyone’s hurting in their own way, so she’s not judgemental.

her older sister rebelled against the goody-two-shoes family and got addicted to drugs and ran away from home. she could never understand this, because the truth is that her sister couldn’t deal w all the lies anymore, she figured out what her father was up to and went off the rails. it’s been a couple years, but pandora still heartbroken about this, because she’s now lost two people she cared about and there’s nothing she can do.

her step-mom is lowkey abusive. not physically or anything, but she’s not a nice woman. pandora’s mom died, but pandora never learned how or why, just that she shouldn’t ask question. she doesn’t know much about her, but she does have a half-burnt picture of her mom holding her as a baby that she carries around in her necklace.

because she feels her life is so... small. her world is so tiny, she tries to explore other worlds through books and movies, music... anything that’ll make her fly away from this earth for awhile is welcome.

she absolutely loves hearing stories & will drop everything she’s doing to hear someone telling her an interest tale.

she’s young and naive, she doesn’t have a lot of freedom & grew up quite sheltered, so she doesn’t understand how the world works very well.

she also has like this tarantula as a pet bc... idk why she has weird taste i effing hate spiders. get margot tf away from me pandora I DON’T LIKE IT

she just likes collecting bugs. it’s a hobby of hers, she’s not grossed-out easily i guess ??

so this is my smol human child

love her pls ok

[easeless]

just trying to be honest

i used to write on here a l o t in high school about my life and struggles and stuff and idk why i ever stopped because it’s like 90% of people who follow me on here don’t know me in real life and it’s a lot faster to write on the internet then to write in a journal, or idk maybe I'm ~vain~ and looking for attention lol. 

i remember the first time i knew i hated myself and i was in 6th grade. i wrote it down. i said i wanted to die and it kind of scared me. i didn't tell anyone, though. i remember i hated my parents and my life and my family and i literally had z e r o reason to, i was kind of spoiled i think and my parents were incredible and they loved me well and i had a good life but something was off and i just attributed my feelings to the human condition of selfishness and self preservation. i wrote my parents a letter saying i was running away and i hated them and myself and i wanted to die. they sent me to counseling. i spoke so horribly about my parents that my counselor thought i was being abused (i was not!!!!!!). i never went back and everyone just kind of stopped talking about it. 

in 7th grade jared left - and thats another story for another day - but that sent me in downward spiral i dont know i ever really recovered from. i cut myself for the first time. i didn't tell anyone. to this day i dont even remember the first time i did it, i just remember a time where i couldn't stop doing it. 

in 8th grade i told a few people i was hurting myself but i think no one knew what to do because in 2007 people didn't really talk about those things and i dont even know how i knew about self harm in the first place. i kept cutting myself. it progressed from once every few months to once a week to once a day. i was angry at god. i thought he didn't see me or hear me or care. i thought that if i was a christian that i had to have a really perfect life, so i tried really hard to make sure everyone knew i was a perfect christian.

in high school i gave myself to a lot of boys who didn't give a shit about me. i kept cutting myself everyday and i even brought razor blades to school and would cut during lunch hour in the bathroom. i hated crying. i wanted everyone to think i was pretty and cool and a good girl and i think thats what everyone thought. during my free time in class i would write notes to my family saying goodbye just in case things got too intense when i cut. i tried really hard to pray and ask god to take away these feelings but they never went away and only intensified. 

my junior year of high school i was abused by my worship pastor at my church. he took advantage of me sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc and i was left in a deeper hole then i could have ever imagined id find myself. this left me desperate, willing to do anything to stop feeling the sadness that was sitting in my bones. i tried to kill myself. this would be the first time my family ever learned about any of this. in the hospital my mom was crying and laying across me on the bed, IVs hooked up to my arms, “why didn't you ever tell me megan, why didn't you tell me.” that was the first time i was ever thankful for what i had gone through. i was exposed for what i was - desperate, depressed, confused and angry at the world and finally someone knew and was able to help. this was when i felt my relationship with the Lord would finally be restored. i thanked him a lot for that hospital bed, for the doctors, for my family, and that he so sovereignly allowed things to get so much worse in order for me to come to the end of my rope and get the help i needed. 

i started going to counseling again. i was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. they put me on medicine that really changed my life for the better. finally everything that i had ever been feeling since i was just a kid made sense. this was clinical. this was not my fault. 

fast forward to - now. all of that was over 6 years ago but i still remember it like yesterday. i know the lord better now than i ever could have had i not been through that. i am in a much more stable place. i have grown and accomplished a lot and graduated college and started my own small business and live with my best friends in a house in a small town. but sometimes that darkness still finds its way back into my bones and hides under my skin. two months ago i made the decision to go off of the depression medicine i have held so dear for the past 6 years. once i was finally completely free of the medication, i felt great. i didn't have too many horrible side effects and i feel like i am in a much better place mentally. but the past week or so i have been finding myself nostalgic for the days where i was so far into depression that i could not function and that makes me feel sick. i started to think, where did all of this really originate? was it 6th grade or did it go back further? and then i remembered something that happened to me when i was young that i forgot about until now and i dont know why but its not like taboo, like i can talk to my mom about it and literally almost joke about it because it seems like it was just long ago, but i think it effected me more than i think???? if that makes sense lol?? in 3rd grade i was sexually harassed by a boy in my class who would tell me in detail how he was going to come to my house and rape me. he got moved from my class and he did get in a lot of trouble for it but i remember always being like fearful after that? idk if thats where all of this started but i guess its food for thought. i feel like i have a cloud over me again and i dont want to do or feel or say anything to anyone. i hate it. so. much. i dont know what to do really and i dont want to go back on medication because it made me gain so much weight and feel sluggish and gross but it kept a lot of this pain at bay and now i feel like I'm stuck in a hard place. i need to go back to counseling prob lol. 

but i guess i just need to keep praying and trusting and hoping and knowing the best is only yet to come. if you have any advice, I'm not opposed.