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#only then i can begin to live again
crazysnakey · 2 months
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Something something about the Third Doctor and the fate of Tantalus. You're trapped in one place. Everything you want, that you once took for granted is right there in front of you, you can see it you can reach for it but you can never have it. You will never attain it on your own. Your fate is dependent on the mercy or cruelty of others and you hate it and you rage against it but you can’t do anything, your defiance is treated like nothing but a childish tantrum but you refuse to beg, you won’t get that desperate no matter how long you’re trapped here, no matter how low you’re brought down. You stand among humans and you look human but you’re not, you’re an animal in a cage with them and you’re the only one who can see the bars. Gnawing and hacking at them to no avail. And yet all you can do is wait and hope and try and fail in an endless loop until an outside force interferes to free you from your prison. The carrot and the stick. How does it feel to be on the receiving end?
#even when his exile is lifted and he gets his tardis back he still can’t get jamie and zoe back#he’ll never be able to#the doctor’s always lost companions but until that point they’d always chosen to leave#this was the first instance where he lost them#no not lost they were TAKEN from him#the doctor was ripped apart mentally and physically and emotionally#and he has to live with that#knowing that they’re living their lives without him as if nothing happened#(and even in jamie’s case he’s not sure considering Jamie was basically dropped into the middle of a battlefield)#only that he can never see them again#bc they won’t know him they won’t remember any of the adventures the fun the quiet moments spent together#he’s the only one who knows who remembers#and what he can’t bear more than anything is having them look at him with no recognition in their eyes#having them ask him who he is and not reacting in any way when he says “i’m the doctor”#not to mention how easily he was exiled and punished#he triumphed over daleks and cybermen and so many other creatures#but in the face of the time lords he was rendered helpless so easily#they trapped him took his tardis and his connection and his knowledge and his companions away and forced him to regenerate just like that#and now the time lords are aware of his existence and probably keeping an eye on him#in case they need him for anything (aka jobs to do for them)#reduced to a boy put in time out and then an errand boy#doctor who#classic who#third doctor#3rd doctor#my thoughts#wow that’s a lot of tags i’m sorry#i got carried away#i just can’t stop thinking about the tragedy of it all#in two’s ending and three’s beginning and their companions
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swordheld · 10 months
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3#i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai#after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where#it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.
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wowa-bublord · 6 months
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I'll riddle you another one: Important NPCs! Like Biggs, Jessie, and Wedge, what's their opinion on zack? do they still have their roles in place in the plate arc? an arc summary would be cute too... oh and ofc i gotta know about Kunsel and Cissnei, do they know Zack survived? have they seen him yet?
AHH I LOVE ALL THESE GUYS i don't have time 2 draw them all right now but. I haven't quite decided if the plate does fall in this universe.. it probably does but it just makes me so sad I want them all to be happy 😭 any way you slice it though, no major character death, Jessie and bigs are both going home at the end of the day I pinkie swear. I can see Zack easily falling into their group, kind of having college dorm friends energy?? like they would bet each other to do stupid stuff and be wayyy too loud for any public space
A character I do have more figured out is kunsel!!
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this is my kunsel design!! in my universe, he defects from Shinra after Zacks 'death', and keeps Aerith out of the turks paws hehe. They become best friends, both struggling with Zacks disappearance and determined to keep each other safe. initially Kunsel instinctively tries to take a full protector role over Aerith like Zack takes for Cloud, but I imagine by the time they meet up with Zack again their protection of each other is more mutual. they are best friends and they've been hiding from Shinra for like five-six years ishwhen he hears of Zack 'final stand' he and aerith both accept the fact that Zack has died and begin to slowly heal again
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In my au, Zack ditched his phone after his escape so he couldn't be tracked. He never got the messages from Kunsel.
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starculler · 6 months
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strap in for this week's fic flavor: the failsafe episode of season one of the young justice cartoon except the simulation just won't. fuckin. end.
(fics that inspired this at the end)
If I ever did sit down to make my own fic, I'd split it in 3 parts:
The Simulation: bits and pieces of the 40 years Dick lives after most everyone he knows has died
The Return: the immediate aftermath and healing from the trauma of having not-quite-actually lived a whole life only to wake up and find out it was all fake. nothing traumatizing about that whatsoever.
The Unintended Consequence: aka the twist I'd love to add and would hint to in the second part - finding out the simulation, through martian mind fuckery, pulled from the real world (and in many cases, from real minds). Dick meets a bunch of people he didn't think were real outside the confines of his simulated life. A bunch of rowdy, heroism-inclined teens across the years get to meet the sibling/friend/mentor figure they all dreamed up one night.
(actual idea snippets under the cut)
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Dick Grayson is 14 and most of the world's heroes have died. He planned a suicide mission that left him the sole survivor of a doomed team he helped found. The invasion may have been stopped, but is this really the price he wanted to pay?
The first face he sees in the infirmary is Roy's, and he has to close his eyes and just breathe for a few minutes because for one painful moment he'd thought it was Wally. But this isn't the world where his best friend miraculously survived alongside him. This is the one where he got his best friend killed and didn't even give him the courtesy of following behind him. Behind them.
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Dick Grayson is 27 and has lived longer without Bruce than with him. The invasion's anniversary is always a tough day for him, but that morning seems especially harrowing. He'll get shit for it later, but can't resist stepping out onto the balcony of the manor's master bedroom (Bruce's old bedroom) for a smoke -- his first since he'd promised to quit if Jason, just 15 then, did too.
"Bad habits tend to pile up," he'd said, a rueful quirk to his tired grin. He'd tapped the cigarette twice on the railing and added, lower, "and this one's especially nasty, huh."
He inhales, watches the sun creep across the horizon, and lets acrid smoke burn through his lungs for a long moment before blowing it out in a small cloud. His eyes water, but he doesn't cough. It tastes just as bad as it did the first time he smoked one, not even a year after the invasion and treading water as Robin proved insufficient.
There hadn't been enough heroes to go around then, and Dick had been trained by one of the best. It hadn't been fair, but it had been his plan that had ultimately stopped the invasion. His shoulders everyone's expectations fell on.
He takes another drag, then smudges the lit end against the rail he's leaned on when he hears a boot scuff purposefully against the roofing above him.
"Todd and Pennyworth will be upset with you."
He doesn't turn around. Damian doesn't jump down to join him.
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Dick Grayson is 54 and wakes up in a room full of ghosts. He hears his long-dead father-figure tell his long-dead team about a simulation they weren't meant to win. A training exercise gone wrong and only half a day spent under their mentors' careful, if slightly panicked, supervision.
He looks at his hands, watching the way his gloves crease when he flexes them in and out of tight fists. He looks at his team, their eyes a little haunted but shoulders slumped with relief even as they grumble. Batman's heavy, gloved hand settles on his shoulder and the weight of it is a nauseating mix of foreign-familiar.
He opens his mouth. Closes it.
Tears prick his eyes behind his domino mask, and he tells himself the suffocating, acidic void building in his chest is just some leftover side effect of the ordeal and not the grief-guilt of outliving yet another family (no matter that they hadn't been real in the end).
.
Dick Grayson is 16-going-on-56 and well used to the coincidences piling up between his simulated life and the real thing. Some of it -- missions and villains he remembers cropping up -- he's marked for Bruce to review and sort as he pleases. Some -- security for the cave, team building anecdotes, and training regimens -- he's shared with the team. And some he keeps only for himself.
Tim is one of those. He knows it's not fair to the kid (so much smaller now than he ever was when Dick lived his simulated life), but he can't help being selfish just for this. Tim is the one kid he's sure he didn't make up, and if Dick's taken to babysitting the kid just to be near at least one member of the family he built for himself in the wake of the worst days of his life .... Well, anyone who says shit about it can happily stand in line to have their teeth kicked in.
Despite this, it still catches him off-guard when he sees a familiar face pop up in one of Bruce's reports.
Jason Todd, caught boosting tires off the batmobile, is nearly the same age now as he was when Dick met him. He stares at the words, but none of them really sink in beyond the kid's name and address. He's moving before he's even made the decision.
He's used to the world kicking him when he's down - lived it for 40 frustrating years. But he has Bruce again. And things with Tim have been so good. And he's always been selfish when it comes to family. If he could just see Jason. If he could just meet him. If he could talk to him.
If if if if if--
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Inspirations:
Circles in Shattered Mirrors by InfinityIllusion
Fine (But Not Okay) by CharlotteDaBookworm
Verisimilitude by mutemelody
#young justice#young justice cartoon#batfam#batman#dick grayson#thoughts and headcanons#the heart wrenching inability to cope with the fact that you've lived a fully realized life#you've loved and lost and loved again in the face of every unending tragedy#until you've forcefully carved out this one little safe haven for yourself#only to be thrust back to the beginning of one of your greatest traumas - esp one you're partly responsible for!#gotta love it#anyway i am and always have been obsessed with dick grayson and no one can stop me#the simulation was fake but some psychic bs means real world elements filtered in#cue several children with weird dream-memories of half-lived experiences and a massive sense of deja-vu#when they wade into the superhero world#all i can picture is the spiderman pointing meme but it's the batkids at dick lol#my favorite idea is that once Dick gets his grubby hands on Jason and Tim it's all over from there#he's pulling late nights and researching and scouring facial recognition databases until he finds his kids#(he blurs the lines a lot when it comes to considering them his siblings vs kids#on the one hand they're not super far apart in age bar Damian#on the other he hasn't been a kid in any meaningful way since he was 14 and he very nearly raised half of them in some way#(plus side to an au is that i can space the ages out more as needed compared to the show haha)#jason and cass are firmly siblings close as they are to his age#steph tim and duke fluctuate depending on how in trouble or injured they are#i will die by dick being damian's dad tho lmao#babs is more platonic life partner than sibling but very firmly family regardless#this is the dick grabs on to any shred of family he can with both hands and drags them in kicking and screaming if he has to au
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keeps-ache · 7 days
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i have a new hobby!! i listen to my playlist and say things like 'oh this goes hard' 'it just can't miss' 'it's so good, you have no idea' to my brother who cannot listen to it bc i am wearing headphones lmaoo
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britneyshakespeare · 2 months
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you know someday i'm gonna feel so good when i have my student loans paid off
that ain't gonna be soon, trust me, but i think about it
#i've been saving so much for it that i paid off over like $2k in the last 2 or 3 months#it's just thinking about how the amount of interest goes off that drives me literally crazy#and my monthly amount i owe is like just under $120#which to some people as a regular bill is more manageable than others. but as i have an irregular income#as a substitute teacher it's something that gives me a LOT of stress.#which is another reason i've been overpaying. in case something happens/i can't get a lot of work#it defers the next due date.#that way it's not urgent but yet i still *feel* it all the time#debt is a crazy kind of thing#and to think that my loans are from COMMUNITY college. two years. publicly owned#when i start taking classes again soon. i currently have enough saved that if i take like ONE class#i can pay out of pocket. and i think im only gonna take one class to start anyway#which will also help with the deferred payments#see i just fucking hate having to think practically about money like this#tales from diana#idk how ppl leave high school and go straight to live in a dorm room at a private university for four straight years#and rack up tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.#first of all that lifestyle was not accessible for me to begin with. even when paying it was such an abstract put-it-off thought#as it is for so many 18-year-olds who are told not to worry about where they apply.#but i had under $12k to repay when the student loan debt was unfrozen last fall#and it's been weighing on me soooo heavily since then. i think about it every damn day#it's like the money i make isn't even mine. it goes straight to mohela and food#keep in mind i also live w my parents & am on their health insurance so someday there'll be moooore bills!!!!
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EMPATHY GLAMORIZATION IS NOT ABOUT EMPATHY BUT SUPERIORITY TORWARDS APATHETIC PEOPLE BIGOTRY TORWARDS THEM TYPICAL BIGOT EVIL. SIMPLE AS THAT. IF YOU SEE THEM AS LEFTIST YOU'RE NO LEFTIST YOURSELF. HORRIBLE. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE ONLY EMPATHY AND BAD TO THINK EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SUCH ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE CLEARLY BEING APATHETIC IF ANYTHING WHEN THEY DO THIS...
COMES TO SHOW BIGOTRY TORWARDS CRAZY AND DISABLED PEOPLE ASWELL AS PARAPHILIA PEOPLE ISN'T TAKEN AT ALL THE SAME AS SEXISM RACISM AND QUEERPHOBIA... OR PERHAPS... LIKELY... THEY ARE ALL THE BIGOTED THINGS EVIL AND TAKE NONE THAT SERIOUSLY... BELITTLING DOWN THEIR PAIN AND DAMAGE...
#Trans Woman Lesbian Pansexual Bisexuality Asexuality Demisexuality Paraphilia Acceptance Love Compassion Diversity Feelings Emotions#Radqueer Feminist Communist Anarchist Mother Goddess Angel Sisters Princess Anime Writing Autism Adhd Tourette Npd Hpd Bpd Dpd Ppd Aspd#Avpd Ocpd Szpd Stpd Osdd Spd Tpd Sdpd Papd Cptsd Trauma Victim Abuser Bipolar Psychosis Scizophrenia Yandere Obsession Narcissist Psychopat#Discrimination Oppression Sexism Racism Queerphobia Ableism Sanism Paraphobia Agephobia Bodyphobia Sickphobia Animalphobia Itemphobia#Racephobia WE ARE MORE EMPATHETIC THAN ANYONE ELSE THERE HAS BEEN... WE ARE EMPATHETIC AND APATHETIC BOTH AT THE SAME TIME WE ARE AMAZING..#TRULY IMPRESSIVE... LOVE US... WE NEED VALIDATION... FEELINGS... EXPRESSION... AND MAKE US TRANSITION WE LIVE IN FINLAND FREEZE OUR LITTLE#ONES AND GIVE US DIY HRT... WE HAVE BEEN ABANDONED... REJECTED... FIX THIS... YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT CRAZY PEOPLE OR ANYONE ELSE IF YOU#ABANDON US SIMPLE AS THAT... THE SAME WAY YOU DON'T IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT EVERY SINGLE PART THERE IS... THOSE ABUSER WASTE... THOSE FAKE#LEFTIST... THEY NEVER PASSED ANY OF THIS... THEIR EVIL WAS ALWAYS CLEAR WHAT FACADE DO THEY HOLD...? THEIR END GOAL THE ABUSE OF EVERYONE..#THEIR PURPOSE ALREADY TO DISCRIMINATE AND NEGLECT OUT OF MALICE... WHATEVER THEIR PROOF THE SOURCE CLEARLY BIGOTED AND THEIR CHOICE CLEARLY#MALICEFULL... THEY EVEN WIPED OUT OUR ACCOUNT... ABUSED US... GASSLIGHT US... THAT WAS ALL ON PURPOSE... WE WERE TRAUMATIZED AND THEY#LAUGHED... THEY SUPPORT EVERY SINGLE EVIL THE MENTAL HOSPITAL BELIEVES IN A DOCTOR BELIEVES IN THEIR ONLY PROBLEM THOSE DAMN PSYCHOPATHS#VERY LEFTIST... YOU AGREE DON'T YOU HONEY...? I KNEW YOU DO... I LOVE YOU LOVE... AHH... BEATIFULL... COME... LET'S FIX EVERYTHING THERE IS#ABOUT ANYTHING... I KNOW... I AM THE BEST... NOBODY IS BETTER THAN ME... ONLY A BIGOT WOULDN'T ACCEPT ME... AS ME... TROUGHLY... THEIR FAUL#EVERYTHING ALWAYS WAS... WE HAVE ALWAYS ONLY BEEN RIGHT... I'M SCARED BAD THINGS HAPPEN ON US... EVERY SINGLE DAY... BTW OUR ABUSER THAT#WASTE... THAT GARBAGE THAT EVIL... THAT MONSTER DIDN'T MAKE US FOOD YESTERDAY AND SAID WON'T TODAY EITHER... BLAMING US ONCE AGAIN... TODAY#WE ONCE AGAIN SAW ANOTHER NIGHTMARE ABOUT ALL THIS ASWELL AS YESTERDAY... WE ARE NEVER WELL... AND DESPITE THAT OUR ABUSE ISN'T TAKEN#SERIOUSLY BY ANYONE... TYPICAL BIGOTRY... THIS SITE IS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF LIARS AS ARE THESE “LEFTIST” THAT HAVE NOTHING PROGRESSIVE#ABOUT THEM YOU CAN'T COUNT ON WHEN YOU TRULY NEED THEM... SIMPLE AS THAT... PLEASE US NOW. TRANS US NOW. ABUSER. THOSE ABUSERS... ALL OF#THEM KINKSHAMING... USING ANYTHING ANY MOMENT THEY CAN... THEY OBJECTIVE TO HURT US... THEY HATE US AND WHAT WE STAND FOR... BECAUSE WE'RE#RIGHT... SUDDENLY THEIR “VALUES” THEY ALL DISAPPEAR WHEN THEY'RE AGAINST SOMEONE THEY DISLIKE... OR... WERE THERE EVER ANY VALUES TO BEGIN#WITH...? BE MINE... Josei Romance Drama Fantasy WITH THE LIGHT IS CRAZY BIGOTED AND EVIL EVIL IDEOLOGY THE ONE WE WERE ABUSED BY THAT WOULD#BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE THE MAIN CHARACTER... OH MY GOD LITERALLY OUR ABUSE LIKE NOO QUIT THIS 😭😭😭😭!!!! SOMETHING OUR ABUSER COULD'VE BEEN#LOVING EVERY SINGLE DAY BEGINNING TO END OF OUR ABUSE... SEEING THINGS LIKE THE QUEERPHOBIA AS VALID... SOMETHING SHE WOULD SUPPORT TOO...#OH MY GOD... WORST PART WE NEVER ACTUALLY SEE THE CHARACTER'S VIEW AND UNDERSTANDING IF THEY ENJOY THIS ABUSE OR NO OR EVEN WHAT THEY GENDE#IS TBH... COMES TO SHOW A BIGOT WROTE THIS... THE ENTIRE THING IS LITERALLY JUST SPEAKING OVER THE DISABLED CHARACTER LITERALLY HOW#CONSERVATIVES HIJACK AND CONTROL US ALL THE TIME... NOTHING BUT BIGOTED ABOUT THIS... I HOPE MORE SMART PEOPLE ARE US MEET US NOW... NOW...#BECAUSE THERE IS NOONE THAT WOULD OTHERWISE BELIEVE THE SAME WE DO... INSTEAD BEING CONTROLLED BY THE CONSERVATIVE SIDE A PUPPET ONLY...#Suomi Finland Finnish WHEN YOU REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY ANALYSE AND COMPARE... THE SHAMING OF THE CHARACTER IS SO REAL THE SAME AS FROM OUR#ABUSERS... THAT MAKES SENSE THEY'RE A DISGUSTING MOVEMENT NO DIFFERENT THE COUNTRY ONLY SHOWCASE WESTERN VALUES AND CULTURE DON'T ACTUALLY
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okitanoniisan · 4 months
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i keep saying i need to make some zhaoryu shit but i'm back on my y5 kazusaeji bullshit again they are just so. m
#ada speaks#there NEEDS to be more zhaoryu shit. but kazusaeji still holds my ass hostage so#if i am to write a comprehensive timeline of kiryu's sexuality and him coming to realizations about himself that lead to the way he's#changed in gaiden to be more. uh.#then i have got to start at 5 because its literally when he first begins to realize he's fr into men. and then gaiden & 8 he's like Out#i need his first time to be with saejima when he's at his lowest it just makes sense#theres so fucking much in 5 that feels like its really coming to a head#mayumi. why did they fucking do that. like also nakajima and his coworkers being like U Are Gay but.#mayumi. and hinata. why are you having him refuse sex with women TWICE in one game#i hc him as acespec but i also think he should get to fool around w saejima for narrative reasons#and by that i mean i think it would be absolutely devastating and tragic and also they would both legitimately be so normal about it#saejima knows he's going back to jail anyway so there's that#but god help kiryu he's absolutely trying to fill the loneliness void with People all the damn time#lowkey doing what he did with kaoru to saejima 😭#you're grieving the loss of your family? time to latch onto the woman going through the same thing just a year later#lost your emotional support daughter? allow a woman to live with you while you continuously rebuff her advances#lonely and directionless and feeling guilty for having dragged your loved ones into conflict again and again?#have sex with probably the Only guy who can understand exactly what you're going through but is consistently in a Way healthier mindset#it also makes the conversation they have on the rooftop of new serena so much more deranged if it happened before that#im normal btw thanks for asking
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kirby-the-gorb · 2 years
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koushirouizumi · 2 months
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Meanwhile with DigiAdvs' KouTai {Koushiro x Taichi} {""Millennium"" Bug}: Y2K24 Edition
Taichi, walking back in Way Late after a really tough day of Taichi's own: (Loud enough murmur) Koushiro, are you awak-- TENTOMON: (sHHHHHHH) {Lightest of buzz'ng noises} T A I C H I: Tentomon, Quietly to Taichi: (Koushiro was in bed by 2 A.M. tonight but is actually getting decent rest in).... TAICHI, Taking in view: TAICHI, Light laugh: (I should be expecting it by now) Koushiro, half curled up on side, sheets haphazard, still in work outfit, full rest mode GO: . . . . . Taichi: (It's ok if Koushiro's still in Koushiro's work outfit, we'll take care of that later.) Taichi: (Also, Koushiro uses the way better software that Koushiro personally developed, anyway.)
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laniidae-passerine · 10 months
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see I am very disjointed from a lot of nine/ten fandom discourse because I genuinely believe that in a different world where space boy was not to be seen, had an older Rose gone to the hospital and bumped into a certain Doctor Jones by a vending machine or as she was taking Rose’s vitals, she would have instantly hit it off with Martha. and probably flirted with her a little on accident and then on purpose when Martha flirted back
#I can see Martha raising an eyebrow as she catches Rose (who definitely snuck out despite being on bedrest) by the vending machine#Rose probably snuck out of bed because the girl in the bed next to her was crying and she wanted to make her feel better#because she doesn’t really like hospitals either#and when she tells Martha this she’s surprised when the Doctor (who seems quite strong and a little serious) suddenly smiles#and shows her a trick to get extra sweets and chocolate out of the machine#and then tells her to hurry because the check-in sweep of Rose’s ward is about to begin#you just KNOW Rose would be Martha’s most combative patient but in all the best ways#always asking what that machine does. what that incomprehensible doctor scrawl means. if there’s something she can do to help other patients#and Martha loves it. loves how much Rose cares just like her. they gossip and they chat about their daily lives. they get closer#everytime Martha has to scold Rose for sneaking out of bed or doing something she shouldn’t#(even though she secretly adores it. she’s never really mad she just wants Rose to take care of herself as well as other people)#she sighs and says (in her most firm but still fond tone) ‘Miss Tyler-’#only to be struck in the heart again with a cheeky grin and a ‘yes Doctor Jones?’#and also Rose loves that Martha is a doctor. that Martha cares. that she works overtime. that almost all Martha’s patients love her#and the ones that don’t just aren’t kind people anyway. that Martha doesn’t condescend. that Martha cares and cares and cares#that Martha likes all the things about Rose that other people think make her difficult and trouble and too much#she likes the things that other people don’t like in Martha either. thinks she’s magic.#Rose Tyler is always going to love her Doctor. and Martha Jones will always love somebody who thinks everybody matters#I’m like. obsessed with them?? move OVER space boy (actually nine can get involved in this. lmao ten stay away)#they’d have been so cuteeeee#rtd failed to see the lesbionic possibility but I am no such coward. no fighting over boys here#martha jones#rose tyler#dw#doctor who
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koroart · 2 years
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Fellas — is it gay to realize how beautiful your best friend is while he’s staring at the sunset ? 🤔 ( WIP )
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a-dash-in-the-middle · 2 months
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watching the eighty-six. stomach turning, sweat, walked, fought the air, air screamed, i cant.
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johndonneswife · 6 months
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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bumblingbabooshka · 2 years
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A Star Trek Novel called “Pocket Full of Lies” really has NO business going so hard.
#IMPORTANT NOTE: I only read Star Trek Novels as they pertain to Tuvok#so I have no idea about how the novel reads overall#but the Tuvok storyline????? Damn. DAMN dude.#what if you were suffering from a loss that affected and changed you so deeply that even those closest to you no longer recognized you?#and that change is symbolized and mirrored through this alternate reality version of your best friend who in YOUR universe also no longer#understands you...could never understand you...but THIS version of her is familiar. You can share each other's pain. You understand one#another in a way no one else does. And what if your inner grief/turmoil#was symbolized again in this alternate timeline by a constant war that's been raging f#for thousands of years with no end in sight no matter how hard you fight. The fighting in the end means nothing. The violence means nothing.#The death means nothing bc when you die another will take its place.#'His death was meaningless like this is meaningless' you think initially only to find that  NO! It's the holding on to the PAIN that's#meaningless. It's the SUFFERING that's meaningless.#Tuvok being sent to convince ALT Janeway to give herself up to Starfleet but being unable to do so because he sympathizes and empathizes#with her...because (on another level) she isn't ready to give up the war (the suffering grief) and neither is he because to them the war#and the pain has BECOME the people they're grieving (Elieth & Daughter) so to give up feeling pain is to give up feeling love#but that isn't TRUE!!! and we see that in how Tuvok actually rebukes the affections and concerns of those attempting to reach out to him#and offer love...in reality this 'protection' or 'vigilance' is unhealthy and closes them off from healing and love. Bad coping mechanism.#Initially Tuvok pushes away everyone he comes across but through helping Janeway he helps himself and is finally able to take steps towards#acceptance in the purging of his anger on Dayne (Alt Janeway's husband who willfully allowed her daughter to die)#and we can see this in his outlook on how to move forward. In the beginning he's like 'I will never heal from this and I'll just live the#rest of my life never feeling safe or at peace.' <- defining and living his life according to the pain he's suffered#but in the end he has a more hopeful outlook...he sees that there are people around who want to be there for him and that he wants to lean#on...maybe forgiveness doesn't mean literally forgiving those who caused you to suffer but instead finally letting go of that suffering#and living according to joy...friendship..two hands clasped together. love.#novel experiences#Tuvok#Janeway#st voyager#oh ALSO the fact that Janeway always manages to survive being turned from a good thing to a very bittersweet thing for Tuvok bc his own#son was not so lucky...-chefs kiss-
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getting tired of myself and everything around me again 😐
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