#only then i can begin to live again
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3#i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai#after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where#it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.
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Something something about the Third Doctor and the fate of Tantalus. You're trapped in one place. Everything you want, that you once took for granted is right there in front of you, you can see it you can reach for it but you can never have it. You will never attain it on your own. Your fate is dependent on the mercy or cruelty of others and you hate it and you rage against it but you can’t do anything, your defiance is treated like nothing but a childish tantrum but you refuse to beg, you won’t get that desperate no matter how long you’re trapped here, no matter how low you’re brought down. You stand among humans and you look human but you’re not, you’re an animal in a cage with them and you’re the only one who can see the bars. Gnawing and hacking at them to no avail. And yet all you can do is wait and hope and try and fail in an endless loop until an outside force interferes to free you from your prison. The carrot and the stick. How does it feel to be on the receiving end?
#even when his exile is lifted and he gets his tardis back he still can’t get jamie and zoe back#he’ll never be able to#the doctor’s always lost companions but until that point they’d always chosen to leave#this was the first instance where he lost them#no not lost they were TAKEN from him#the doctor was ripped apart mentally and physically and emotionally#and he has to live with that#knowing that they’re living their lives without him as if nothing happened#(and even in jamie’s case he’s not sure considering Jamie was basically dropped into the middle of a battlefield)#only that he can never see them again#bc they won’t know him they won’t remember any of the adventures the fun the quiet moments spent together#he’s the only one who knows who remembers#and what he can’t bear more than anything is having them look at him with no recognition in their eyes#having them ask him who he is and not reacting in any way when he says “i’m the doctor”#not to mention how easily he was exiled and punished#he triumphed over daleks and cybermen and so many other creatures#but in the face of the time lords he was rendered helpless so easily#they trapped him took his tardis and his connection and his knowledge and his companions away and forced him to regenerate just like that#and now the time lords are aware of his existence and probably keeping an eye on him#in case they need him for anything (aka jobs to do for them)#reduced to a boy put in time out and then an errand boy#doctor who#classic who#third doctor#3rd doctor#my thoughts#wow that’s a lot of tags i’m sorry#i got carried away#i just can’t stop thinking about the tragedy of it all#in two’s ending and three’s beginning and their companions
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I'll riddle you another one: Important NPCs! Like Biggs, Jessie, and Wedge, what's their opinion on zack? do they still have their roles in place in the plate arc? an arc summary would be cute too... oh and ofc i gotta know about Kunsel and Cissnei, do they know Zack survived? have they seen him yet?
AHH I LOVE ALL THESE GUYS i don't have time 2 draw them all right now but. I haven't quite decided if the plate does fall in this universe.. it probably does but it just makes me so sad I want them all to be happy 😭 any way you slice it though, no major character death, Jessie and bigs are both going home at the end of the day I pinkie swear. I can see Zack easily falling into their group, kind of having college dorm friends energy?? like they would bet each other to do stupid stuff and be wayyy too loud for any public space
A character I do have more figured out is kunsel!!
this is my kunsel design!! in my universe, he defects from Shinra after Zacks 'death', and keeps Aerith out of the turks paws hehe. They become best friends, both struggling with Zacks disappearance and determined to keep each other safe. initially Kunsel instinctively tries to take a full protector role over Aerith like Zack takes for Cloud, but I imagine by the time they meet up with Zack again their protection of each other is more mutual. they are best friends and they've been hiding from Shinra for like five-six years ishwhen he hears of Zack 'final stand' he and aerith both accept the fact that Zack has died and begin to slowly heal again
In my au, Zack ditched his phone after his escape so he couldn't be tracked. He never got the messages from Kunsel.
#when he hears of Zack 'final stand' he and aerith both accept the fact that Zack has died and begin to slowly heal again#only to come across him a year later LMAO#aerith ff7#kunsel ff7#zack ff7#wedge ff7#biggs ff7#jessie ff7#my art#zack lives au#i see you aerith/kunsel rarepair shippers i can see the appeal#but in my universe they are best friends#kunsel is grayaro and gay i think
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strap in for this week's fic flavor: the failsafe episode of season one of the young justice cartoon except the simulation just won't. fuckin. end.
(fics that inspired this at the end)
If I ever did sit down to make my own fic, I'd split it in 3 parts:
The Simulation: bits and pieces of the 40 years Dick lives after most everyone he knows has died
The Return: the immediate aftermath and healing from the trauma of having not-quite-actually lived a whole life only to wake up and find out it was all fake. nothing traumatizing about that whatsoever.
The Unintended Consequence: aka the twist I'd love to add and would hint to in the second part - finding out the simulation, through martian mind fuckery, pulled from the real world (and in many cases, from real minds). Dick meets a bunch of people he didn't think were real outside the confines of his simulated life. A bunch of rowdy, heroism-inclined teens across the years get to meet the sibling/friend/mentor figure they all dreamed up one night.
(actual idea snippets under the cut)
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Dick Grayson is 14 and most of the world's heroes have died. He planned a suicide mission that left him the sole survivor of a doomed team he helped found. The invasion may have been stopped, but is this really the price he wanted to pay?
The first face he sees in the infirmary is Roy's, and he has to close his eyes and just breathe for a few minutes because for one painful moment he'd thought it was Wally. But this isn't the world where his best friend miraculously survived alongside him. This is the one where he got his best friend killed and didn't even give him the courtesy of following behind him. Behind them.
.
Dick Grayson is 27 and has lived longer without Bruce than with him. The invasion's anniversary is always a tough day for him, but that morning seems especially harrowing. He'll get shit for it later, but can't resist stepping out onto the balcony of the manor's master bedroom (Bruce's old bedroom) for a smoke -- his first since he'd promised to quit if Jason, just 15 then, did too.
"Bad habits tend to pile up," he'd said, a rueful quirk to his tired grin. He'd tapped the cigarette twice on the railing and added, lower, "and this one's especially nasty, huh."
He inhales, watches the sun creep across the horizon, and lets acrid smoke burn through his lungs for a long moment before blowing it out in a small cloud. His eyes water, but he doesn't cough. It tastes just as bad as it did the first time he smoked one, not even a year after the invasion and treading water as Robin proved insufficient.
There hadn't been enough heroes to go around then, and Dick had been trained by one of the best. It hadn't been fair, but it had been his plan that had ultimately stopped the invasion. His shoulders everyone's expectations fell on.
He takes another drag, then smudges the lit end against the rail he's leaned on when he hears a boot scuff purposefully against the roofing above him.
"Todd and Pennyworth will be upset with you."
He doesn't turn around. Damian doesn't jump down to join him.
.
Dick Grayson is 54 and wakes up in a room full of ghosts. He hears his long-dead father-figure tell his long-dead team about a simulation they weren't meant to win. A training exercise gone wrong and only half a day spent under their mentors' careful, if slightly panicked, supervision.
He looks at his hands, watching the way his gloves crease when he flexes them in and out of tight fists. He looks at his team, their eyes a little haunted but shoulders slumped with relief even as they grumble. Batman's heavy, gloved hand settles on his shoulder and the weight of it is a nauseating mix of foreign-familiar.
He opens his mouth. Closes it.
Tears prick his eyes behind his domino mask, and he tells himself the suffocating, acidic void building in his chest is just some leftover side effect of the ordeal and not the grief-guilt of outliving yet another family (no matter that they hadn't been real in the end).
.
Dick Grayson is 16-going-on-56 and well used to the coincidences piling up between his simulated life and the real thing. Some of it -- missions and villains he remembers cropping up -- he's marked for Bruce to review and sort as he pleases. Some -- security for the cave, team building anecdotes, and training regimens -- he's shared with the team. And some he keeps only for himself.
Tim is one of those. He knows it's not fair to the kid (so much smaller now than he ever was when Dick lived his simulated life), but he can't help being selfish just for this. Tim is the one kid he's sure he didn't make up, and if Dick's taken to babysitting the kid just to be near at least one member of the family he built for himself in the wake of the worst days of his life .... Well, anyone who says shit about it can happily stand in line to have their teeth kicked in.
Despite this, it still catches him off-guard when he sees a familiar face pop up in one of Bruce's reports.
Jason Todd, caught boosting tires off the batmobile, is nearly the same age now as he was when Dick met him. He stares at the words, but none of them really sink in beyond the kid's name and address. He's moving before he's even made the decision.
He's used to the world kicking him when he's down - lived it for 40 frustrating years. But he has Bruce again. And things with Tim have been so good. And he's always been selfish when it comes to family. If he could just see Jason. If he could just meet him. If he could talk to him.
If if if if if--
.
Inspirations:
Circles in Shattered Mirrors by InfinityIllusion
Fine (But Not Okay) by CharlotteDaBookworm
Verisimilitude by mutemelody
#young justice#young justice cartoon#batfam#batman#dick grayson#thoughts and headcanons#the heart wrenching inability to cope with the fact that you've lived a fully realized life#you've loved and lost and loved again in the face of every unending tragedy#until you've forcefully carved out this one little safe haven for yourself#only to be thrust back to the beginning of one of your greatest traumas - esp one you're partly responsible for!#gotta love it#anyway i am and always have been obsessed with dick grayson and no one can stop me#the simulation was fake but some psychic bs means real world elements filtered in#cue several children with weird dream-memories of half-lived experiences and a massive sense of deja-vu#when they wade into the superhero world#all i can picture is the spiderman pointing meme but it's the batkids at dick lol#my favorite idea is that once Dick gets his grubby hands on Jason and Tim it's all over from there#he's pulling late nights and researching and scouring facial recognition databases until he finds his kids#(he blurs the lines a lot when it comes to considering them his siblings vs kids#on the one hand they're not super far apart in age bar Damian#on the other he hasn't been a kid in any meaningful way since he was 14 and he very nearly raised half of them in some way#(plus side to an au is that i can space the ages out more as needed compared to the show haha)#jason and cass are firmly siblings close as they are to his age#steph tim and duke fluctuate depending on how in trouble or injured they are#i will die by dick being damian's dad tho lmao#babs is more platonic life partner than sibling but very firmly family regardless#this is the dick grabs on to any shred of family he can with both hands and drags them in kicking and screaming if he has to au
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nobody fucking touch me rn i went to see tf one in the cinema and im shaking. they actually made a good transformers movie. what the fuck
#time to go home and read the entirety of jro's mtmte and lost light again ig#what the FUCK i was not expecting it to be actually fucking stunning. that's MY loser dumpster fire of a children's toy franchise how did t#ey actually make it . good#really good#five out of five stars. when elita said “you dont have the touch or the power” i fucking choked#obviously it is only going to mire the canon more because of the changes to megatron's backstory (no gladiators 😔) & lack of allspark plot#but i dont even fucking care. dont even touch me rn i cant ever get over this#broken friendships & corruption arcs are THE SHIT and they did this one better than i was expecting#when pax fell like a falling star... primus itself opened to him...#ratchet cameo! arcee cameo! jazz cameo! not to mention ALPHA TRION#i can see the war in this . i can see this . millions of years in the future they will still b fighting. orion mightve been a “pacifist” by#megatron's standards but he knows how to fight. he fights more than he should. and bee.... bee... THATS MY FUCKING NAMESAKE GUYS DONT EVEN#TOUCH ME RN. IM SHAKING. HOLY SHIT#bumblebee you are SUCH a dork. what the FUCK.#and the quintessons!!!!! i am LIVING for the art direction and the organic/inorganic imagery#those quintesson energon-hoover things reminded me of energon eaters too. & in that first shot of them entering the cave w the primes i#originally thought scraplets before i came back to myself. there's something to be said here tho.#they did a good job with the worldbuilding. suitably alien-like. exceeded expectations. that ginormous quintesson ship? i'm going insane#you can SEE the birth of the myth in this stupid fucking movie you can SEE how op becomes who he becomes. the way he grew. the way they bot#grew until they were the only person that could hold the other back . the way he is going to be irreversibly changed. d16's eyes...#that scene w starscream has a chokehold on me. i cant breathe. the way they all looked at megatron when his blaster emerged#the fight scenes#ELITA ONE !!!#AIRACHNID !!!!#honest to god though i must confess that the first coherent thought i had about this movie was “oh they made him so cunty” . abt pax. i#am so sorry#but okay okay okay i . they were amica endura at the beginning. at the least. i'm. AKHRERJGH#tf one#me when megatron ascended out of iacon & he was the only land vehicle amid a swarm of planes. me when the SYMBOLISM#🐝
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Rosaura was quite the character, one he liked to have around for a change. She didn't disguise things or tried to be pushy, unlike some of his friends -Eustace-. Broderick motioned her to take a sit, he would willingly take that break she was suggesting, "just for that you've won a free reading for the new year," he teased.
"So, no divination today… What are we talking about? Gossip? Are you going to see The Nutcracker?" He didn't take her for the kind of wizard who attended every public event, but even for him, the holiday season seemed entertaining and exciting this year.
"I already brought you the tea, dear, no need to flatter me," she says, amusement shining through her words. It's an exaggeration, of course, but her rapport with Broderick is good enough for her to relax and let her tightly controlled mask slip and her face turn into a grin as she places the tea on his hand without any preambles. After doing so, she turns to her own drink and takes a sip of her own earl grey, letting out a hum of delight as she does so.
"I am here to visit you and ensure you take a quick break," she admits with a sigh and a small rueful smile. Their chats were always delightful, and yet she was more than aware that divination has a price. Knowing that he has been working on the booth all day, she doesn't want to push him further, as she knows his day is not over yet. "Divination debates and my future can wait for when you haven't spent all day immersed in them. I thought a brief change in conversation might help you see things clearer for the rest of the day."
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i would still pitch an episodic cartoon that follows a kid in the foster care system and each episode/every few episodes follows their life in a different house with a different wacky foster family like a super hippie family or a strict military family etc you know the stereotypes as well as meeting other foster kids. with the goal of finding like the Perfect family. it would be really fun to write and also i think normalizing kids in foster care for a short time or a long time is a good thing for everyone
#by pitching of course i mean that it will never see the light of day bcuz im not making a cartoon show#and networks cancel every show after one season if they even get picked up to begin with#but yknow i think it could be fun!!!!#another concept i had was where a group of like five or so ghosts that are like different stereotypes and died in different decades#like a super girly girl 2000s teenager or a businessman from the 50s#all find a dead body to possess so they can interact with the living world again#but theres only ONE dead body and like eight of them#plus the dead body is just some random middle aged guy so it seems slightly insane for him to be acting like that#less ideas for that one but would also be fun i love weird crazy ghost cartoons#txt
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i have a new hobby!! i listen to my playlist and say things like 'oh this goes hard' 'it just can't miss' 'it's so good, you have no idea' to my brother who cannot listen to it bc i am wearing headphones lmaoo
#just me hi#'yeah it's YOUR playlist' 'i don't careeee' [<- clearly jealous] 'i don't know what you're listening to ?? i can't hear it ??'#/reporting live lmfvsh:#'it just can't miss. banger after banger [indirect eye contact]' 'CAN i listen. i hope you get executed' LOL#2 minutes later: '[not thinking] [song comes on i don't recognize] OH. no yea this goes hard' 'Okay. i Don't care' [<- clearly jealous]#Hkfhsvfjs - i'm just talking out loud cuz if i don't i might explode but i have casualties. and they make me laugh pfsvh#//oh i'm also working on inks rn :33#or- well i'm redesigning oath's armor again (yeah.... lmfvsh...) cuz uhh Welllll#i think i made the legs too big but you know what. that's good :3#i'm really pleased with how the shine is turning out ; it's doing Something that's for sure hkfhsv#i'm still tweaking it rn anyway ; i wanna play around with a different palette cuz i think i stuck to the purple for too long just cuz it#was the first colour i chose at the beginning (really questionable too bfhvskjg))#oh and i think i'll design something extra for aura later too ; though i'm nooot too sure what i'll do for her!!#she has a couple contraints so i'll havta figure that out..#but YEA i'm getting back to it lol !!#wheee here i go :3#/think i blew one of my fuses fighting w/ synfig earlier but the only thing stronger than the Mold is my artistic will so let's Gooo hkfvsh#>:3 toodles !!
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you know someday i'm gonna feel so good when i have my student loans paid off
that ain't gonna be soon, trust me, but i think about it
#i've been saving so much for it that i paid off over like $2k in the last 2 or 3 months#it's just thinking about how the amount of interest goes off that drives me literally crazy#and my monthly amount i owe is like just under $120#which to some people as a regular bill is more manageable than others. but as i have an irregular income#as a substitute teacher it's something that gives me a LOT of stress.#which is another reason i've been overpaying. in case something happens/i can't get a lot of work#it defers the next due date.#that way it's not urgent but yet i still *feel* it all the time#debt is a crazy kind of thing#and to think that my loans are from COMMUNITY college. two years. publicly owned#when i start taking classes again soon. i currently have enough saved that if i take like ONE class#i can pay out of pocket. and i think im only gonna take one class to start anyway#which will also help with the deferred payments#see i just fucking hate having to think practically about money like this#tales from diana#idk how ppl leave high school and go straight to live in a dorm room at a private university for four straight years#and rack up tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.#first of all that lifestyle was not accessible for me to begin with. even when paying it was such an abstract put-it-off thought#as it is for so many 18-year-olds who are told not to worry about where they apply.#but i had under $12k to repay when the student loan debt was unfrozen last fall#and it's been weighing on me soooo heavily since then. i think about it every damn day#it's like the money i make isn't even mine. it goes straight to mohela and food#keep in mind i also live w my parents & am on their health insurance so someday there'll be moooore bills!!!!
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i keep saying i need to make some zhaoryu shit but i'm back on my y5 kazusaeji bullshit again they are just so. m
#ada speaks#there NEEDS to be more zhaoryu shit. but kazusaeji still holds my ass hostage so#if i am to write a comprehensive timeline of kiryu's sexuality and him coming to realizations about himself that lead to the way he's#changed in gaiden to be more. uh.#then i have got to start at 5 because its literally when he first begins to realize he's fr into men. and then gaiden & 8 he's like Out#i need his first time to be with saejima when he's at his lowest it just makes sense#theres so fucking much in 5 that feels like its really coming to a head#mayumi. why did they fucking do that. like also nakajima and his coworkers being like U Are Gay but.#mayumi. and hinata. why are you having him refuse sex with women TWICE in one game#i hc him as acespec but i also think he should get to fool around w saejima for narrative reasons#and by that i mean i think it would be absolutely devastating and tragic and also they would both legitimately be so normal about it#saejima knows he's going back to jail anyway so there's that#but god help kiryu he's absolutely trying to fill the loneliness void with People all the damn time#lowkey doing what he did with kaoru to saejima 😭#you're grieving the loss of your family? time to latch onto the woman going through the same thing just a year later#lost your emotional support daughter? allow a woman to live with you while you continuously rebuff her advances#lonely and directionless and feeling guilty for having dragged your loved ones into conflict again and again?#have sex with probably the Only guy who can understand exactly what you're going through but is consistently in a Way healthier mindset#it also makes the conversation they have on the rooftop of new serena so much more deranged if it happened before that#im normal btw thanks for asking
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#he is welcoming you inside :>#I want to get to the part where both my partners live with me sooooo baaaaaad ;n;#(I've lived with my wife for 7 years)#(but our other partner stayed put up north when we moved last summer)#(cuz they hadn't been with either of us that long and we knew from the beginning this was a 1-year move)#(they've come to visit us three times now and every time we all love just. existing together.)#(getting groceries. they took my wife to the urgent care the first time we were here. food prep. just. existing together.)#(also by the time we move again they'll've been with us a whole year longer than last time we moved ofc :v )#(so hopefully they can move with us this summer wherever we go.)#(don't tell them this I don't think they check the tumblr but we reeeeeally like them)#(we both want to keep them forever if they'd be okay with that)#(like. rings-forever.)#(though you can only have one legal official spouse in the united states.)#(and I get dibs on the legal protections due to my disability.)#(and. like. already legally married my wife lol)#(and we want to actually live with them for a little bit before we actually bring it up)#(just to make sure everything's as worth it as we expect)#(which is why you can't tell them :v )
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Meanwhile with DigiAdvs' KouTai {Koushiro x Taichi} {""Millennium"" Bug}: Y2K24 Edition
Taichi, walking back in Way Late after a really tough day of Taichi's own: (Loud enough murmur) Koushiro, are you awak-- TENTOMON: (sHHHHHHH) {Lightest of buzz'ng noises} T A I C H I: Tentomon, Quietly to Taichi: (Koushiro was in bed by 2 A.M. tonight but is actually getting decent rest in).... TAICHI, Taking in view: TAICHI, Light laugh: (I should be expecting it by now) Koushiro, half curled up on side, sheets haphazard, still in work outfit, full rest mode GO: . . . . . Taichi: (It's ok if Koushiro's still in Koushiro's work outfit, we'll take care of that later.) Taichi: (Also, Koushiro uses the way better software that Koushiro personally developed, anyway.)
#koutai#koutai hc#meanwhile with koutai#meanwhile with koushiro#koushirouizumi hcs#koushirouizumi koutai#koushirouizumi koushiro#advs timeline: post kizuna or the beginning#advs timeline: post kizuna#(Koushiro went to bed so fast that Koushiro doesnt even think abt the sheet)#(but Koushiro knows that Taichi will Cover {Koushiro} back Up anyway sO---)#just two q u e e rs living together sharing the same bed#(if other Chosen try to call Koushiro has them ALL on Silent rn {only Miya+Ken&Iori when Ioris There get Special Koushiro Availability})#({P o w e r} here thankfully staying on so far too it flickered once again but...)#({I got concern bc its about to {r a i n} again a bit next week})#(I considered using another Chosen but in the end kept Tento here so it can be even post The Beginning or pre Agu coming Back)
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see I am very disjointed from a lot of nine/ten fandom discourse because I genuinely believe that in a different world where space boy was not to be seen, had an older Rose gone to the hospital and bumped into a certain Doctor Jones by a vending machine or as she was taking Rose’s vitals, she would have instantly hit it off with Martha. and probably flirted with her a little on accident and then on purpose when Martha flirted back
#I can see Martha raising an eyebrow as she catches Rose (who definitely snuck out despite being on bedrest) by the vending machine#Rose probably snuck out of bed because the girl in the bed next to her was crying and she wanted to make her feel better#because she doesn’t really like hospitals either#and when she tells Martha this she’s surprised when the Doctor (who seems quite strong and a little serious) suddenly smiles#and shows her a trick to get extra sweets and chocolate out of the machine#and then tells her to hurry because the check-in sweep of Rose’s ward is about to begin#you just KNOW Rose would be Martha’s most combative patient but in all the best ways#always asking what that machine does. what that incomprehensible doctor scrawl means. if there’s something she can do to help other patients#and Martha loves it. loves how much Rose cares just like her. they gossip and they chat about their daily lives. they get closer#everytime Martha has to scold Rose for sneaking out of bed or doing something she shouldn’t#(even though she secretly adores it. she’s never really mad she just wants Rose to take care of herself as well as other people)#she sighs and says (in her most firm but still fond tone) ‘Miss Tyler-’#only to be struck in the heart again with a cheeky grin and a ‘yes Doctor Jones?’#and also Rose loves that Martha is a doctor. that Martha cares. that she works overtime. that almost all Martha’s patients love her#and the ones that don’t just aren’t kind people anyway. that Martha doesn’t condescend. that Martha cares and cares and cares#that Martha likes all the things about Rose that other people think make her difficult and trouble and too much#she likes the things that other people don’t like in Martha either. thinks she’s magic.#Rose Tyler is always going to love her Doctor. and Martha Jones will always love somebody who thinks everybody matters#I’m like. obsessed with them?? move OVER space boy (actually nine can get involved in this. lmao ten stay away)#they’d have been so cuteeeee#rtd failed to see the lesbionic possibility but I am no such coward. no fighting over boys here#martha jones#rose tyler#dw#doctor who
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Fellas — is it gay to realize how beautiful your best friend is while he’s staring at the sunset ? 🤔 ( WIP )
#this is the cheesy idea I had hehehehehehe#it’s such a overused trope#but I love it so much#the REALIZATION#the quiet acceptance#just !!! MWAH#I’m mostly imagining this in my lambert lives au ( yes I gave him both his eyes sue me )#but amidst the whole turmoil and war against TWSITD#lambert begins to really fall for Rodrigue#because after the deaths of both his wives#lambert had sworn off love#putting only his duties as king and raising his son as his priorities#he was done having his heart broken#sacrificing his chance at happiness again#but love they say is the most powerful force of all#and lambert began to fall for Rodrigue and truly see Rodrigue’s own feelings as well#despite Rodrigue doing everything he can to keep his feelings hidden as well#because he thought he would never have a chance with lambert#but they’re always spending time together either way and sometimes they just show through#because Rodrigue is a hopeless gay#it’s not to say lambert didn’t love Rodrigue#he loves him dearly as a friend and brother in arms#but this is the first time he would see Rodrigue in a romantic light#and I’m gonna shut up now#wip#lambrigue#fe3h#lambert egitte blaiddyd#rodrigue achille fraldarius
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watching the eighty-six. stomach turning, sweat, walked, fought the air, air screamed, i cant.
#i feel the need to rewatch it whole already even tho im only at the beginnings of s2#but i know i probably wont watch it again until a long time passes bc just....... shit.....#science fiction makes me sick sometimes#i love those damn books and anime but i cant help but wonder#can the world make that#what if we do#can i ask the professors at my uni that? the people at seminars who make military constructs?#i wanna know the scope of people's current possibilities so i can well at least know#i need to know how much we are willing to go with inventions in spite of immorality so i can not make any mistakes if i ever do#and i know its silly bc i would just be asking media inspired questions#but i'd be so scared of making those smart minds turn in a wrong direction#to give voice to a scary idea#bc what if they haven't thought of that#the people who are into robotics and informatics#mecha is one scary thing in the hands of people#but i cant take my eyes off of it#anyways 86.... when they held their hand to their earpieces... the one's who were made with the lives of families of their comrades#the one's that limited them yet made them all available to each other#kfmncvnge4nmh i dont have anything smart to say#im sorry to anyone who had to read my pretentious toughts#0 notes to me
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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