#can i ask the professors at my uni that? the people at seminars who make military constructs?

[a-dash-in-the-middle]

watching the eighty-six. stomach turning, sweat, walked, fought the air, air screamed, i cant.

[our-transmasculine-experience]

I haven't legally changed my name, but I have been pushing my chosen name in my university - writing it down on quizes and tests, using a personal email instead of the assigned uni email that has my dead name, introducing myself with my actual name, just to name a few.

Also my native language requires a suffix at the end of the surname to indicate feminine gender so by removing the feminine suffix, leaving it bare and making it masc./neutur, it becomes pretty clear something is up, everyone in the country will either think you were born outside the country or you are trans if there's other factors (first name change, appearance) if you lack/add the suffix later in life.

Some professors have taken it well, very well actually. Some had a harder time because the name I go by can be seen as a nickname and not a full name - and I'm too scared to go by the full masc version of my name without legally changing it first - but they either got used to it or a simple change in pronunciation of the name made them more comfortable.

And then there's the ones that either cannot comprehend what's happening or are malicious about it. The first type is a professor to whom I literally wrote "prefered name: Name" in an attendance/topic sheet she gave us for one of the projects we needed to do. Ignored. I sent an email from my non-uni assigned email. She saw and replied to it. Ignored. But not only ignored, she used my government name. Which was extremely weird. She keeps forgetting my name, so I reintroduce myself and then she keeps ignoring me and uses my government name. But I still think she isn't too malicious about it.

Unlike the latter type - the straight up transphobic ones. I've had just two professors like that so far. The first one was easy to ignore, especially because we had the majority of our classes online with her. Again, she'd ask my name, I'd reply and she'd get grumpy about it. I know it was malicious because of comments shes made about trans people and neutral language.

And then we have the second one who also can't seem to remember my name, asks, I say my name and she makes a point to say the other name. I tried the different pronunciation trick and at first she accepted that... Until she figured out who I was and again made a point to say my legal name loud and clear for everyone to hear. In addition to that, she's been giving a little too many examples to definitions and the material we are studying that have been low-key transphobic.

Tbh if there were more people attending her seminars I'd straight up ignore her until she gets my name right, but because of how few we are, I don't want to start shit. Especially because we'll only have her for this one semester.

So yeah, academics can be a lot while being trans and not having access to medical transitioning. Still, I'm extremely glad my department is lefty and open minded and the majority of the people are chill. Yes, the negative experiences can sour the mood but I like to remind myself of all the good and understanding people around.

i’m really sorry to hear that some teachers have not been accepting, but the good part is that those teachers seem to be the minority of your college experience.

remember, there are always more good people than bad people.

[roblogging]

I love majoring in English lit bc u can really see how many people regular engage in fanfiction, part of my scholarship at uni is to be a teachers assistant for a really eccentric professor that we have who started some extra credit course called "Creative writing and editorial liberties" and right before this class starts, someone asks 'isn't that just fanfiction?' he's like 'yeah, pretty much, but u can ask our assistant about that she's been known to engage in quite a bit of fanfiction during her work hours' 'u tend to leave you laptop tabs open' up to this point I just want the ground to swallow me whole and this man says, 'don't feel badly, I have been known to read some iron-man fanfics on ao3 from time to time' my face was so so so red, to the point that whole class started talking about the fanfics they read to make me feel better.

ANYWAYS THIS IS A WARNING DON'T LEAVE YOUR LAPTOP TABS OPEN, U WILL BE EMBARRASSED

YESSS OMG it's so obvious !!

i fear the ship sailed once i did my extra credit essay on fanfiction as a form of political protest 😭 (actually the ship sailed in my first seminar when i said ahb was my favourite book)

but actually!! i wear this like a badge of honour. i will be The fanfiction one

[thelittlemars]

Actually, you know what? I’m not gonna gatekeep this much information. You want to become an academic?? A real one??? 

Then here’s how to become an actual academic 📖🕯️

— by: Someone who’s actually becoming an academic

So, the first step might be the most obvious but yet difficult one: you need to be enrolled in an university. Or college. Never understood the difference.

Then, you find the field of study that you love and adore. Not that you just like. Well, I guess like works just fine, but it’s better if you love it because the more you love something the more you want to learn and research about it. And keep in mind that this is going to be your future, all-life-long job. So yeah, find something that you love doing or studying. It can be your favourite course, module or subject. It can even be a very niche thing. 

Then, find a professor that teaches or is researching that topic and stick to them like a koala on a tree. I don’t know how it works in your university and/or country, but if you have to write your final dissertation/thesis and your uni requires a tutor, choose them [I could write a separate blog post if you need help with your thesis work]. Ask them to give you extra readings, book recs, tips and tricks on how to become just like them, ask them if they are curating any project, such as a seminar, a congress, an exposition or a cool experiment that’s open to the public. Damn it, ask them if they need someone to help them carry the exams folders, or remind them of some event, or just if they want to have a coffee with you. You might think that all of this is prententious or that it make you possibly look annoying, but this is how it works. 

Academic careers are built on connections. The more people you know in your field the more you will be known, the more other academics might want to read your research, your papers, your articles and books. You have to make a name for yourself, and the only way you have is to create relationships in your field of study. 

This is why I also advise you to show up. University is like a society. Find conventions, seminars, conferences and exhibitions that interests you or that belong to your chosen field and just go. If you can, ask questions [remember to always introduce yourself, stating your name and surname!], give input. If you go to a museum exhibit and you see people working there or even the curator, have a chat with them. Ask them if you can have their email addresses so you can contact them if you have any further questions. 

I have done every single thing in this list. Well, maybe I didn’t carry my professor’s exams folders, but I know a friend who did. I prayed for things to go well. And they did.

If you are curious, I am in my final year of my Bachelor’s in Languages, and I am specializing in Germanic Philology. My dream would be to become a scholar in Norse Studies. Ky thesis will be on the influences that Norse Mythology had on a novel by Sir Walter Scott.

And, even if I am still completing my Bachelor’s, my tutor saw something in me. He invited me to participate in an editing project [that is technically reserved for Master's students] of a Middle English manuscript, and this edition will result in a publication that will have my name on it.

This is why I beg you, start building your connectiond. You never know if your tutor will have a shiny, new project you can be a part of if you don’t try. 

Everything else will come naturally at you. Trust the Universe.

Good luck, my fellow future academic! See you in class!

[potatotalksculture]

THIS IS A RANT

I don’t think it’s nice to make assumptions about someone instead of just asking.

“Where do you come from?”

“Are you here together?”

“Does it mean you’ve studied abroad?”

“What are your pronouns?”

It’s nice, right? Not assuming. Asking. It seems like a behavior that people, who we presume are well educated, would practice. Right?

Well, then guess who’s been making the most assumptions about me in the past years? - My uni professors!

They often assume that, not only me, but most of the students, already know something about a subject of a seminar or have already read a book that’s being quoted during a lecture. Guess what, sweet cheeks? Most of us didn’t? Why? Because it wasn’t in the syllabus! I, personally, attend a seminar or a lecture to learn something new and not hear the same information over and over again.

Another thing: where I come from and what languages I speak. I’m a Eastern European girl studying in Berlin. Almost every time, when some Polish, Russian, Hungarian, etc. we’re being discussed in a seminar, the professor looked to me hoping I had some special inside or could translate some texts written in artists mother tongue. Well, sweet cheeks, I can only read in languages I speak. I can only speak to subjects I know something about. Does every performance studies student know everything about Brecht and Beuys and Bauhaus? I know that they don’t.

My bachelor thesis is about the work and life of a Czech stenographer. Every professor I’ve spoken to assumed I’m Czech and encouraged me to not shy away from inserting some quotes in Svobodas mother tongue that I then translate in a foot note or suggested dedicated a whole chapter to the process of translation of the artists own terms for his artistic means. Well, sweet cheeks, I’m not Czech. I don’t speak Czech. And even though I come from a country close to the Czech Republic and I’ve watched The Mole cartoons as a child, I do not speak Czech.

And what infuriates me most is that this behavior came from people, mostly white cis men, who passionately advocate in their seminars and lectures for equality in every aspect of human life, while analyzing the relation between language and gender or race. Seminars are often just named “Race, sex, gender” or “Queer theatre”. They are SJWs for a great part. And that is great! But why, my oh my why, do they not realize they prejudices towards people from different, not Western European countries?

A real life example of that comes from a lecture I’ve attended once: A white cis female professor, who’s rather well established in the German performance studies world, held a lecture about the social expression of inequality among women or people… something about inequality… anyway, her example for two women who are drastically unequal was: a German female CEO and a Polish cleaning lady. Why. Use. Nationality.? If you want to express some inequality regarding financial situation or accessibility of higher education or the ability to comprehend the books you’ve written about the third wave of feminism, you do not, really do not, need to include nationality in your example. You just don’t.

But for somer reasons they do. And they assume. And they get confused when they hear that you don’t speak Polish. You don’t have a granny in Russia. And you don’t know anything about the Slovenian avant-garde. They are old. They are well established. They do not need to reflect upon things they are not teaching.

There. This was a rant.

[theasstour]

𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬.

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 𝟏𝟎.𝟏𝐤 𝐍𝐁: 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥, 𝐚𝐧𝐱𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭

Monday, 25 September 2017

It was strange to Y/N that she was enjoying herself as much as she was just then in an educational setting. In school, she had never really liked any of the subjects besides English, and here at uni, she got to sit and listen to professors who were truly experts on English literature ramble on about Othello and specific analysis on act 3 scene 3. She loved every single second of it, and was sure she could sit there for hours on end just listening to her professors. At one point she was sure this would all get tiring and she’d hate University, but in that moment, hearing her professor, Richard, talk about things that truly interested her, was such a breath of fresh air compared to what she had experienced previously.

The door to the lecture hall opened, and since the doors were right by the blackboard where Richard stood talking about Othello and the ‘temptation’ scene, all eyes landed on the blonde girl in pink shorts and a white jumper. She smiled at Richard, mouthing a “sorry” before taking the first free seat she could find, which was conveniently right beside Y/N. The two girls shared a small smile themselves before Y/N went back to focusing on the lecture happening in front of her. Y/N was hunched over her notebook, writing something off from the PowerPoint slide displayed on the wall in front of her. She did not know how much time went by, she was listening too intently to care about that, but suddenly, the blonde beside her rested her back against the seat and leaned a little closer to Y/N.

“This is quite boring, innit?”

Y/N looked to her left, and to her surprise, realised that the girl who had walked in late was Chloe. The same Chloe who she had met when she registered a week and some ago. She must have been too caught up in the lecture to pay proper attention to her surroundings.

Chloe let out a small chuckle, nodding in the direction of the PowerPoint before she continued to whisper. “The lecture. I knew we’d be discussing Shakespeare in Introduction to English Studies, but Othello’s just fucking boring, innit?”

“I…” Y/N looked at the PowerPoint for a few seconds, then back at Chloe. “Sure.”

They were quiet for a few seconds, Chloe just studying Y/N, eyes searching her face. “You like Othello.”

Y/N felt a sudden urge to relate to Chloe. Since they had met earlier and since she hadn’t made tons of friends on her course yet, she wanted Chloe to be her mate. If they got off on the wrong foot today, they might never sit next to each other again.

“It’s not as good as Twelfth Night, not as bad as Julius Caesar.”

Chloe continued to just look at Y/N, but suddenly, a smile came creeping over her lips. “Take it you like Shakespeare.”

“I like analysing his work, yeah.”

“More of a Modernism, and sometimes Postmodernism, girl myself.”

“I’m not big on either of those.”

Chloe let out a small chuckle again. “You won’t be taking Postmodernism next year then?”

“Not if I can help it.”

Chloe only crossed her arms and stared ahead, still smiling. For a second Y/N was afraid she might have said something to make Chloe detest her, but the next, she reminded herself that she had to live her truth regardless of what anyone said about it. “Guess we’ll just have to enjoy each other’s company in the core modules then.”

Y/N felt a few butterflies in her stomach at that and could not help smiling back at Chloe when their eyes met again.

“How come I haven’t seen you at any Freshers parties yet?” Chloe asked.

“Been busy applying to jobs and such,” Y/N explained. “Gotta get one as fast as possible ‘cause I need money to live.”

“Ahh, fair.” Chloe nodded. “One of my course mates, Hayden – think they’re up there somewhere –“ Chloe pointed with her thumb over her shoulder, indicating further up the lecture hall. “Has decided they’re going to start an Uno society.”

“Uno?” Y/N frowned. “As in the card game?”

“Yeah,” Chloe laughed. “I’m sure it’ll be nice and all, but they’re very passionate about it. Have yet to come out with me, Thian, and Annalise. Those are my other course mates, by the way.”

Y/N nodded. Was she just incompetent at making friends or was Chloe just very good at it? How had she made so many friends, made a small group by the sounds of it, and Y/N had barely talked to anyone on her course yet?

“Hayden promised to come out this Friday, though,” Chloe smiled. “You should come, too.”

For some reason, both nerves and excitement rushed through Y/N at that. She smiled back. “I’d love that.”

“Wicked. It’s at my Dinwiddy flat.” Chloe rolled her eyes. “Uni accommodation at Helmond is a huge piss take, I tell you. I feel like there’s mould everywhere.”

“That’s just UK houses in general. We’ll all die from it one day.”

“It’s literally disgusting,” Chloe said. “Also, one of my flatmates never does his dishes. It’s minging. And it’s started smelling, too.”

“Oh, my days.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m glad I just immediately moved in with my best mate instead of going through the whole uni accommodation thing. At least I can be assured that they do their dishes and no food’s left on the kitchen counter for too long.”

“Oh, that sounds lush.”

The people around Y/N and Chloe were all starting to pack their things and get out of their seats. Seeing as the two of them were sat by the edge of the row, they had to get up rather fast and let people through. So, that’s what they did. Y/N put her notebook and pencil case in her rucksack and slung it onto her back before she and Chloe made their way out of the lecture hall and out into the hallway beyond.

“There they are,” Chloe grinned, waving as she saw a small group of three standing by the wall a bit further down. “Come say hi.” Though Chloe wasn’t looking at her, Y/N assumed she was talking to her, so she followed her over to the rest. “Gang, this is Y/N, the one I met while we were both registering.”

“Ah, you’ll be Y/N, then,” a man with protruding cheekbones, a strong jawline, and deep set, brown eyes said. The Viet man’s smile lit up the room they were standing in, and it made Y/N’s overthinking ebb. “I’m Thian, pleasure to meet you. Chloe told us she met you, but never saw you since.”

“Proper rude of the universe to keep us away from each other for so long,” Chloe said.

“I’m Hayden,” a smaller person said with the greenest eyes and long brown hair. They too had a smile like Thian’s, but this one displayed crooked teeth, which made Y/N more at ease with her own bottom teeth that were the same.

“And I’m Annalise,” the last one said, her hair dyed an unnatural dark red colour that Y/N absolutely loved. “I think I saw you in a Critical Reading seminar.”

“Oh, yeah, I think we might be.”

“We’ll have to sit next to each other next time!”

Y/N could detect a slight accent, but she could not tell where Annalise was originally from. She suspected Germany, there were tons of international students here after all, but Y/N did not want to assume.

“Guys, we have to plan the first Uno society meeting,” Hayden said, looking at the time on their phone. “It was so nice to meet you, Y/N, but we’re in a bit of a hurry.”

She just smiled. “No, totes get that. I need to get back to my flat, anyway.”

“See you around, then,” Chloe smiled, waving as the four of them walked off.

Y/N walked home to Orsman Road. Though she knew there would be less walking if they took the tube, it would also mean that she had to walk on and off boiling hot tube trains and stations, and she was not about to do that. She was sweating enough in the late September sun as it was, she did not need the tube to contribute to her sweat moustache as well. Instead, she plugged her earbuds in and listened to her most recent playlist on Spotify, humming along to her favourite tunes as she walked.

She stopped by Gregg’s by Dalston Kingsland station, buying herself a sausage roll and an iced latte before walking the rest of the stretch home. Hackney bustled around her, with tons of cars, double deckers, and mopeds driving by, as well as all types of people milling to and from work. The early autumn sun was still a little too hot, but it seemed like most Londoners were soaking up the sun while they could. They were walking by in shorts, tee shirts, and summer dresses, while the only reason why Y/N was dressed in her tee shirt and trousers, was so she would not quite literally go up in flames on the way home.

Y/N arrived at Orsman Road not long after her trip to Gregg’s, and walked up to the flat. She locked the door once she was indoors, checking the kitchen and the living room to see if anyone was there. To no one’s surprise, none of her three other student flatmates were home in the middle of the day on a Monday. She walked up the stairs and to her room, letting her door be open so she could air out a bit more. Her windows had been open all day, so her room smelled fresher than normal as she entered. That just reminded her that she had to buy some scented candles or air fresheners to liven up her room.

Putting her rucksack down by her door, Y/N started looking through the two bags that she had yet to pack out from. In one was most of the stuff she’d put on her desk when she finally bought that, and in the other were loads of decorations that she had yet to bring forth. She started pulling out fairylights that she wanted to hang across her room or over her wall, when she heard footsteps. Out of the door directly to the right once you came up the stairs, came a man with short dark hair and a strong build, thin lips and pale skin. He must have heard movements outside his door, because his eyes landed on Y/N almost right away. However, he smiled at her and Y/N immediately knew who this was.

“You’re Y/N, then,” Mason said, walking over to stand in the doorway of her room. “Mason, your third flatmate.”

“Thought I’d never run into you,” Y/N smiled, making his smile grow.

“Yeah, got here like two days ago, and have been all over the place since. Helped some of my mates move into their flats, been at work, and at rugby practice.”

She nodded. “Busy man.”

“Very busy.”

“Lucky I caught you now, then.”

Mason nodded his head. “Would have eventually. Knowing Nath, he’ll probably end up forcing us all to bond as a flat at one point.”

“Sounds horrific.”

“It was. It will be,” Mason laughed, leaning against the doorframe and pushing his hands into his grey joggers.

Y/N furrowed her brows. “It was? He’s done it before?”

“Yeah, our first year. He made everyone in our flat bond, he especially talked about flat yoga sessions and shopping trips when he was drunk or high as a kite.”

She dropped the fairylights and turned her full attention on Mason. “You lived together your first year?”

Mason just looked at Y/N, blinking a few times. “Yeah.”

“All three of you?”

“All three of us. Me, Nathan, Harry, and like five girls.”

Y/N felt like screaming, but lucky for her dignity and Mason’s ears, the front door opened and closed. Nathan’s singing could be heard all the way upstairs. Instead of screaming, Y/N called Nathan’s name, not caring that Mason saw just how annoyed she was now. Poor bloke had no idea what he’d just said. Nathan strolled up the stairs and looked in Y/N’s room’s direction, his face lit up at the sight of Mason and Y/N together.

“What a view!” he grinned. “What’re you two bonding over?”

“Right now we’re bonding over being your friend,” Y/N said.

“Which I’m sure you’re both honoured to be, yes.”

“And I just heard you’ve lived with Mason and Harry for the last year, but have not told me,” Y/N said, ignoring Nathan’s previous comment.

Nathan looked to Mason, and then back at Y/N. “No, Harry moved in later. He lived in another flat first, hated it, and since him and Mason were good mates, he got to move into our place since one of our flatmates dropped out our first week.”

Not caring that she would smudge her makeup, Y/N ran her hands over her face. “How long did he live there, Nate?”

Silence for a second or two. “Start of second semester till we moved out.”

Y/N let go of a heavy sigh. “Nathan, why didn’t you just tell me?-“

“-I know, I know, I know,” Nathan started, walking into Y/N’s room and sitting down on the floor beside her. “I’m a shite friend.”

“You really fucking are,” Y/N said, swatting Nathan’s hand away when he tried to take hers. “Harry was both of our friend when he lived in Notts those months, and I literally had sex with him.”

Mason took a small step back in pure shock, blinking rapidly as if an eyelash fell onto his eye.

“Don’t I have a right to know you’re living with him?” Y/N asked.

“You do. Of course, you do. I just… I thought I told you at one point, and when I got home and I found out I hadn’t told you… I didn’t know how to break the news.”

“How about just telling me?” Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “Instead of hiding it from me like that.”

“Technically, I didn’t hide anything ‘cause I thought I-“

“-Nathan, I’ll literally skin you alive-“

“-Fine, I should have told you,” he groaned, taking her hand this time and holding it tight in his. “How can I make it up to you?”

Y/N thought for a moment, but came up with the perfect solution. “By coming with me when I go out with my course mates on Friday?”

Nathan just looked at her, blinking once. “My punishment is to… go out with you and your mates?”

“Yes. I barely know them, I need moral support. No matter how bad the person giving me said support actually is.”

Nathan looked down at their hands, patting hers slightly. “I’ll come.”

“Thanks.”

He continued to look down at their hands as Mason’s quiet footsteps back to his room sounded throughout the first floor. “I do have a lecture that finishes at 7pm-“

“-You’ll skip that lecture if you so have to.-”

“-Yes, ma’am,” Nathan answered without hesitation, kissing her hand and getting up from the floor. He gave her a small smile. “And I’m sorry. I know I should’ve told you.”

Y/N nodded. “Is there… Is there more you haven’t told me? In regards to Harry?”

Nathan pretended to think for a few seconds, eyes getting big as if he remembered something.

“Nath?”

He chuckled. “No, nothing.”

Y/N hit him on his calf before he walked away. “You’re bloody buying the first round of drinks on Friday.”

“As I should,” was all Nathan said before he danced off to his room. Y/N picked up her fairylights again, trying to get them out of the messy tangle they were currently in so she could finally make this room look like her and her new home.

Friday, 29 September 2017

Y/N was nervous. She was usually nervous before going someplace she had never been before, or to meet people she had never met, but it was never like this. Her nerves were almost always drowned by her natural eagerness to be around people, to be surrounded by friends and strangers. However, this, her first pre-drinks at uni with other people, had her feeling a little too nervous for her own tastes.

She loved parties. Fuck, if she could party every single day, she would. She did not care about the hangover that came the following day, as long as she had a good time the night before. At home in Nottingham, she would have loved to party as much as she had in London, but for some reason, meeting as many new people as she had, made her nervous for some reason. It was weird to Y/N because she loved making friends, but it was different here. She had yet to figure out what about University that triggered this reaction out of her.

A knock sounded at her door and she grunted, which Nathan took as a good enough sign for him to be allowed entrance. He grinned, sitting down on Y/N’s fluffy dark blue duvet cover and looked his best friend up and down.

“Lush,” he said.

Y/N glanced at the mirror in front of her again, running her hands down her sides. Her black ruched detail ribbed crop top fit her perfectly, making her tits look exceptionally good, and the gold necklace and earrings topped it all off. The crop jeans in light wash blue were tightened at the waist by a black belt with silver eyelets, the black lace up boots made her almost as tall as Nathan. Though Y/N had been out on town in Nottingham with this very same outfit, she was unsure about it now. There was a familiar fear in the back of her head; one that had not visited in a while, one that would lay low until it saw fit to paralyse her. Y/N was experiencing only the tip of the iceberg now. The rest would reveal itself later, it would all melt and drown her in nervous ticks and anxious tendencies.

God, she hated how nervous she was. This was not like her at all. Nathan knew this, which was why he picked up on how unusually quiet his best friend was. He got up from where he was seated on the bed, walking over to Y/N and placing his hands on her shoulders.

“What’s up?”

She took a deep breath, looking at him in the mirror. “You remember the party at Jack Lloyd’s?”

“When we were 17?”

“Yeah, and I was nervous to wear that tight-fitting dress? ‘Cause of my stomach?”

“Yes, even though you had no reason to be nervous.”

She sighed. “Well, I’m feeling like that now,” she admitted. “Not as intensely, but it’s there and… I haven’t felt this nervous about being seen in a long time.”

“What do you mean ‘being seen’?”

“When… When you’ve had and still have a hard time accepting yourself, it’s hard to let others look at your body ‘cause you don’t want to exist outside your own head, if that makes sense? Being seen means people will have an opinion, it means they’ll piece together this image of you before even getting to know you. It means them judging you on your looks alone before they get to actually know you.” Y/N shrugged her shoulders a little, Nathan squeezing them ever so slightly. “My confidence is much better now, but I still have those moments every so often when that 17-year-old girl I used to be will come back and whisper something discouraging into my ear.”

Nathan nodded, wrapping his arms around her neck and bringing her to him. She melted into her best friend, taking a grip of his forearms. “I know it’s much easier said than done, but focus on now. You’ve come so far, and though that 17-year-old is part of the reason why you are who you are today, she’s got nothing to do here. 19-year-old Y/N has come so far, she has no time revisiting the past ‘cause she’s going to a party tonight, and it’ll be fucking fantastic, yeah?”

Y/N chuckled, closing her eyes as Nathan planted an encouraging kiss to her cheek. “Guess you’re right.”

“Of course I fucking am.”

She laughed.

“Now, get your vodka, tequila, sourz, or whatever the fuck you’re drinking, and let’s go.” Nathan let go of her and walked to the door, opening it. “You got Chloe’s address?”

“Yeah, it’s Dinwiddy, flat 10.”

“Uni accommodation?”

Y/N huffed, reaching for her purse and putting it over her shoulder. “Did you expect my first-year mates to live anywhere else?”

“Not really. Dunno why I’m shocked.”

Y/N searched through her purse, checking she had everything she needed before reaching for her plastic bag where her drinks were.

“Still remember when I lived in Coopers Court with Harry and Mason. Oh, how time flies.”

Y/N stopped short, narrowing her eyes. “I still cannot believe you didn’t tell me anything about you living in the same flat as Harry your first year at uni.”

Nathan sighed.

“Cannot believe you didn’t tell me he went to Helmond. Cannot believe you wanted us to live together without at least informing me-“

“-Mate, are we done with this?”

“Don’t think I’ll ever be done. You tricked me into this.”

“I did not.”

“What did you think was gonna happen when I found out?”

“We’ve been over this,” Nathan said. “I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal. Harry did not react like this when I told him I promised to live with you my second year, your first year.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, having already heard this.

“In fact, he did not mind one bit living with you.”

“I mind living with him.”

“Clearly, or else we wouldn’t still be having this conversation.”

Y/N tutted, walking past Nathan and down the stairs. “I’ll let this argument be for the time being, but expect me to pick it back up again tomorrow when my mind’s not all over the place. I want to be able to fucking destroy you.”

“Great. Can’t wait.”

Y/N and Nathan started walking in the direction of Dinwiddy, the biggest uni accommodation at Helmond, where most students ended up staying. Parmiter Street was a mere 30-minute walk away, and though they could have easily taken the tube, they both knew that it would be best for them to get some fresh air before drinking. Y/N also wanted to walk off some of her anxiety, though she was fairly certain that would not happen. On one hand she was looking forward to meeting Chloe and the rest of her English Lit gang, on the other, she was nervous. Her nerves came more from fear of experiencing the same blinding anxiety she had when she was younger, for that same feeling of helplessness and bottomlessness that it had brought her. What if it appeared when she was drinking? What if it got worse as she got drunk?

She hated how moving away to London and to University had brought her so much doubt. It was like she had to figure out who she was all over again. Here, it was only Nathan who knew her. Well… him and Harry, but the latter did not count. If Y/N so wanted, she could become a new version of herself. She knew that was something uni offered; finding a new you and shaping it into a person you want to be. There were several things Y/N wished she could change about herself. She had a horrible temper, was a little too loud at times, took many things far too personal, and more. She was unsure how much independence and a new environment could help make her a better version of herself, but she hoped Helmond and London could help her to some degree.

Once they arrived at Parmiter Street, Nathan walked straight onto Dinwiddy campus grounds and showed them the way to flat 10. The brown brick buildings rose five storeys high around them, shaping a small T formation with some benches along the stone path where people could sit on the few occasions when the weather would allow it. Nathan had been there the year before, loads of his friends from his Criminology course had lived at Dinwiddy accommodation and therefore hosted pre-drinks there. Nathan knew his way around, and, sure enough, he showed them right to flat 10. On the right hand-side, the first building, Nathan strolled over to the entrance.

He met Y/N’s eyes, trying to get a picture of just how nervous she was. After all, these were her friends, and had they been home in Nottingham, she would not have been this nervous at all. Nathan was not anxious at all, and he had never talked to – never met – Chloe or any of Y/N’s course mates.

“Listen,” Nathan said, giving Y/N a small smile. “If it gets too much, we’ll just go home, yeah? I won’t leave your side.”

Y/N smiled back, nodding her head. “Yeah. I’ll send Chloe a text saying we’re here.”

“We could just ring the doorbell.”

She looked at him. “Nath.”

“Y/N.”

“What were phones invented for if we’re just gonna ring people’s doorbells? I’m sending her a text.”

Nathan reached forward and rang the doorbell, making Y/N raise her eyebrows at him and take a deep breath as not to throw him against the brick building.

“Yes?” came from the speakers beside the doorbells. It was Chloe.

Nathan nudged Y/N, nodding in the direction of the speakers. She glared at him. “It’s Y/N.”

“Ahh, brill!” Chloe unlocked the door for them and Nathan opened it, letting Y/N enter first. They walked over to the stairs, looking at a sign there that showed them flat 10 at the topmost storey.

“They don’t even have a bloody lift, do they?” Y/N asked Nathan as she looked around.

“Gotta walk, mate.”

“Fuck me,” Y/N groaned as they began their ascent.

“I’d rather not.”

Despite herself, Y/N laughed a bit. They made it to the fourth floor, and Y/N knocked on the door as Nathan breathed heavily beside her.

“Hi,” Chloe smiled as she opened the door, stepping aside to let Y/N and Nathan in.

“Hiya,” Y/N smiled back, feeling her heart beat hard inside her chest. Something about Chloe’s smile, the reminder that she had invited Y/N over, that she wanted her there, settled atop Y/N’s shoulders, making them sag to a comfortable level. “Brought my housemate, hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all!” Chloe said, turning to Nathan.

“Nathan,” he smiled. “Thanks for letting me come here.”

“Don’t mention it,” Chloe said, closing the door and showing them the way down a corridor towards the shared living space where a heavy bass was throbbing. The fluorescent lights overhead in the hallway resembled those at a petrol station, making Y/N squint as she entered the living room. There sat everyone she had the pleasure of meeting earlier that week. Hayden, Annalise, and Thian were all  around the table with a glass each to drink. Y/N smiled at them, waving her hand as they all grinned back at her. She still felt like she was intruding.

“Y/N, Nathan, do you like sambuca?” Chloe asked, walking over to the kitchen bench to fetch plastic shot glasses.

“Never say no to sambuca, ey?” Nathan grinned, nodding for Y/N to go sit down so he could follow her lead. “We’ll have a shot each of you’re handing out.”

“I am, indeed,” Chloe said, getting two shot glasses and walking over to the table, placing the glasses in front of Nathan who looked absolutely ecstatic.

“Thanks, babe,” Y/N said.

“You lot playing a drinking game?” Nathan asked, getting his drinks out to mix them all together into his paper cup.

“Yeah, we’re playing Never Have I Ever,” Hayden answered. “However, if no one drinks, everyone’s got to take a sip except for the person asking, but the person asking’s gotta take two if no one drinks.”

“Ahh, alright,” Nathan said. “Creative. Love it.”

“This is Y/N’s friend, Nathan, by the way, guys,” Chloe said as she came back over with shots for everyone.

“Oh, yeah, this is Nathan. He’s a second-year, we live in a flat together in Haggerston.” Y/N suddenly felt stupid for not introducing him right away so that Chloe had to. She felt her cheeks heat up, but she refused to look like she felt headless. Instead, she got her vodka and cranberry juice out, mixing it as Nathan spoke beside her.

“We’ve known each other forever, so she moved in with me and my flatmates this year instead of moving into uni accommodation,” he elaborated.

“You knew each other in Nottingham?” Chloe asked, and, for some reason, the fact that Chloe remembered that made Y/N feel all kinds of warm.

“Yeah, been best friends for years.”

“How nice that you got to live together here,” Chloe smiled in Nathan’s direction, then at Y/N.

“It is, isn’t it?” Nathan said, looking at Y/N and giving her a small wink before going back to his drink.

“Right, we need to take advantage of being first-years and get drunk as often as possible,” Thian said. “So, tonight needs to be good.”

“It’ll be good regardless,” Annalise retorted, taking one of the shots from the tray Chloe had brought to the table.

“Where are we going, anyway?” Hayden asked.

Thian nodded. “Pub or club?”

“Don’t really feel like clubbing tonight, you know what I mean?” Chloe asked, the other three coming with exclamations of agreement or nodding slightly. “Pub then?”

“We have a pub right by us,” Nathan said. “Only 30 minutes away and it’s the best one in Haggerston, in my opinion anyway.”

Y/N wrinkled her nose some. “The Stag’s Head?”

“Yeah, it’s always full and they sometimes got live music and everything.”

“We could go there, yeah,” Chloe said. “If everyone’s in.”

“Could we take a bus there?” Hayden asked.

“30 minutes isn’t a long walk, though,” Chloe chuckled. “As long as Nathan and Y/N show the way, we won’t get lost.”

“Don’t count on my navigational skills when I’m under the influence, babes,” Nathan said, making the others laugh.

“We’re better off using Google Maps, he might just show the way to the Gregg’s by Dalston Kingsland where he thinks the entire staff’s got a crush on him,” Y/N said before taking a sip of her drink, laughter erupting again. It felt good, like a pat on the shoulder, and Y/N instantly eased. Maybe she had not lost her old self at all, maybe she could still feel at ease, even around new people.

“They all flirt with me, and who can blame them?” Nathan shrugged his shoulders, whipping his head to the side so his lush, curly red hair dangled at the top of his head, grinning his wide smile and making the lip piercing shine in the fluorescent lights overhead.

The rest of the night went on, and it was easier to talk to everyone as time progressed. Not only because Y/N got more and more intoxicated, but she also just felt better after getting to know them all. Hayden always laughed the loudest, and their laughter was also very infectious, making it hard not to chuckle along with them. Annalise, though she sometimes stuttered over a few English words, was incredibly considerate and would urge Y/N to continue on with her story when others did not hear her. Thian offered Y/N tons of shots and complimented her on her outfit, making it easier for Y/N to feel good and seen, as she had been terrified of back at the flat. Chloe was easily the boss, and did most of the talking, though no one seemed to mind. After all, Chloe had introduced everyone to everyone, so people knew her the best out of everyone.

As time went on, Y/N just felt better. It was easier to talk to everyone and, at one point, she thought she was back at home in Nottingham, introducing herself to strangers at a party. They all made it easy to forget just how nervous she had been. It made her look forward to seeing them in her other lectures and seminars the coming week and all those weeks after that. Maybe these were the people she would spend her time at University with, and that excited her.

Bottles emptied and the volume inside the uni flat had increased massively. It was close to 9 when Chloe suggested they leave, and assured Y/N that she could leave the little she had left of her vodka at her place to pick up another day. Y/N took her up on the offer, insides warm from both alcohol and Chloe’s hospitality.

Nathan showed the way towards Haggerston and The Stag’s Head, arm entwined with Y/N’s for most of the way there. At one point however, Y/N let go of him and ended up walking beside Annalise and Thian, talking about one of the texts they had to read by Tuesday. It was such a mundane conversation, complaining about course work and talking about coming deadlines, that it felt like they had been mates for ages. The chat flowed so easily, the laughter rolled off their tongues, and it just made sense for all of them to be together, walking along the dark London streets in their tipsy states, making their way towards what would hopefully be the first of many trips to a pub.

They arrived at Orsman Road and they could hear The Stag’s Head before they saw it. Y/N had never paid it much attention. She knew she would end up popping by once or twice during her time at uni, but she had not envisioned her checking it out that first week. Nathan held the door open for everyone, resting a hand at Y/N’s back as he followed her indoors last.

The pub was small, but Y/N was sure that it was bigger than it appeared late on a Friday evening. Straight ahead, in a V formation, stood the bar, a wall filled with bottles of all alcohol imaginable behind it, lit up by red light which fit the dark red of the counter surrounding it. Far down to the left, it seemed the rest of the pub disappeared from view, but judging by the stairs Y/N could see, she supposed there was a loo somewhere in that direction, and it also looked to be where one could go to reach the smoking area. People were both sat and stood by the bar as well as booths along the walls. What appeared to be the stage further down to the right was unoccupied by any performers, though a few lads stood there with a pint each. There were no free tables, and this put a damper on the mood quite quickly.

Nathan, however, pulled them all towards the smoking area and they were all pleasantly surprised to see a free table and two benches untouched. Fairylights hung over the outdoor space, from the house and over to the fence on the other side. It lit up just enough, made it possible to see, but not too bright for people to squint when walking out into the night. A few empty pints and a smoky ash tray stood in the middle of the table, but Nathan put the glasses on the brick fence before everyone sat down.

“Alright, I’ll pay for your drink,” Nathan said, smiling at Y/N. “Anyone wanna come to the bar? Y/N’ll watch the table.”

“Ah, yes.” Chloe got up, the rest of the gang following along and walking towards one of the two entrances to the pub. Y/N got her phone out, looking to see if she had any notifications she had to check out, but there were none. She was about to resolve to scrolling aimlessly through Instagram, when she heard a slightly familiar voice.

“Hi there.” Mason sat down on the edge of the opposite bench, a cigarette in hand and a small smile on his lips. “Didn’t know you and Nath would come here tonight.”

“Oh, hiya,” Y/N smiled. “No, we didn’t know where we’d go after pre-drinks. He suggested this place, so we brought some of my course mates with us here.”

“You going out later?”

“No, think we’re just gonna stay here.”

“Yeah, this is a chill place,” Mason said, puffing out some smoke.

“This is my first time here.”

Mason raised his eyebrows. “Is it?”

Y/N smiled. “You think I should’ve come here earlier?”

“More to do with the fact that our flat just loves this place, thought Nathan would’ve at least taken you here already.”

“He did now.”

“It’s my favourite pub around here, and Harry-“

“-Mase!” Nathan exclaimed, grinning as he came over with two gin and tonics. “You’re here as well!”

“Yeah, it’s a Friday night, innit?”

“Hi,” Chloe said, sitting down beside Mason with a wide grin on her face. It seemed like she wanted to introduce herself or to be introduced, but before Y/N could say anything, the conversation resumed.

“Hey,” Mason answered, looking back to Nathan who seemed to be ecstatic to see one of his flatmates. “Hear you haven’t taken Y/N here till now.”

Nathan sighed. “Not like I didn’t want to, just haven’t gotten the opportunity.”

“What’s so good about this place?” Y/N asked, looking from Nathan to Mason.

“Just close, innit? Also, it’s crowded, but it’s not as crowded as most pubs down by Kingsland Road,” Nathan elaborated.

“You lot have a good night, yeah? Need to get back to my mates.” Mason leaned past Chloe, stumping the rest of his cigarette into the ashtray before he got up, walking over to a big group of lads. Chloe stared after him as the rest of the conversation around the table started back up again, Y/N pretended to not see how she was checking him out. It felt like she was intruding on a moment that was not meant for anyone but Mason to see.

“You’re living with him?” Chloe asked.

“Yeah.”

“He’s well fit.”

“Guess.”

Chloe giggled. “You’re taking the rule to not shag one of your flatmates seriously, then?”

“Shouldn’t everyone?” Thian asked, furrowing his brows. “It only complicates everything.”

“How? It’s only a shag. It’s not like you’re gonna fall in love with them,” Chloe said.

“Can’t really control your emotions, though.” Nathan shrugged. “Two of my flatmates last year shagged. He had feelings for her, she just wanted a one night stand. Didn’t end well.”

Y/N put her drink back down on the table after a long sip. “Well, if you’re clear beforehand and make it clear that it’s only for this night and there’s no emotions behind it other than temporary bliss, then that’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Nah,” Hayden said, shaking their head. “It’s an unwritten rule. Don’t shag your flatmates.”

“Is it a serious rule?” Annelise asked, furrowing her brows.

“It’s got serious consequences,” Hayden answered.

“But if you’re both aware it’s only a one time thing, then is it serious?” Y/N asked.

“Babe, sex is complicated. You’re always just gonna be connected in a way, you know?” Nathan said.

“I can promise you I’m not connected to Ollie Lee in any way, shape, or form,” Y/N huffed, sipping her drink again as Nathan laughed, the other joining in because of Y/N’s obvious distaste in this Ollie Lee.

“Was he awful in bed?” Chloe asked, smiling as she looked between Nathan and Y/N.

“No, I was just desperate one night last year.” Y/N rolled her eyes at herself. “Let’s just say that mid-shag he asked me if I had to go to the toilet, and when I said no, he told me that whenever I felt like I had to, just pee on him instead.”

Gasps erupted around the table, and a second later, everyone started howling with laughter. Nathan kept on hitting his thigh, leaning into Y/N and laughing. Though it was a fairly embarrassing story on Y/N’s part, her definite lowest of low, she could not help feeling good about making everyone laugh like this. Looking around at everyone, she suddenly felt very good about herself, despite this being her worst sex story ever.

It was not like Y/N had fucked her way through Nottingham and had tons of stories to tell. In fact, she hadn’t shagged that many. She had had sex with eight people, three of them being women, one non-binary, and the other four men. She had been very vocal about the fact that the best sexual encounters she had had, were with women. They had all been so nice, and though it had never escalated to anything romantic beyond that one night together, they had made Y/N feel the best she’d ever felt. She suspected women just knew what to do, that they cared how she felt and did not solely care about their own release.

The group ended up just sitting around and talking for a while. It was nice to go somewhere outside of the uni setting and get to know some people, this was what uni was all about, or so Nathan had told her countless times. These people were as anxious about making friends and being liked as she was, but there they all were, making friends and going outside their own comfort zone.

At one point, Y/N had finished her drink and went to get another round for her and Nathan. The pub seemed to be even more packed now that it was closer to midnight. Everyone wanted to drink the week away, to forget about their lives for a little while and just spend time in good company. Y/N strolled over to the bar, looking up and down the counter to see if any of the bartenders were free to help her. The second her eyes landed on a familiar figure, she halted.

Harry’s eyes were already on hers as he stood almost right opposite her mixing a drink. He let go of a sigh, looking down at whatever he was mixing.

“You…” she started, raising her eyebrows. “You’ve got to be fucking everywhere.”

“Only ‘cause you’re every single place I usually am,” he said, continuing to make whatever drink he was making.

“Do you work here then?”

He looked over at her, raising one of his eyebrows. “I’m not a hallucination now?”

Y/N rolled her eyes.

“Can’t believe you thought I was a bloody hallucination.”

“Believe it. It’s all Nathan’s fault anyway. I’ll never forgive him for forcing me to live with you for a year.”

Harry let out a dry laugh. “To answer your question: no, thought I’d help out behind the bar to get me adrenaline going.”

“Well funny,” Y/N said. “You got me cracking up, can you tell?”

“Last time I checked, I got you laughing pretty hard, yeah.”

“That’s literally two years ago now.”

Harry finished the drink, putting it in a glass and placing it in front of the person standing just beside Y/N. Her eyes first landed on the watch on his wrist, the nice brown leather, and then her gaze travelled upward. She looked up at the man who was already staring at her, giving him a smile when she smiled at him. Their eye contact was put to an abrupt end when Harry poked the man’s hand holding the drink with the card machine. Y/N looked back at Harry, and then at another man with strong build and big, curly hair who stepped into view beside Harry.

“I’ll take care of her, Kai,” Harry said.

This Kai looked at Harry, blinking once before he met Y/N’s eyes again.

“She’s my flatmate,” Harry elaborated, making Kai study Y/N a bit more closely before he nodded once. He was very good looking, with a broad nose, almond-shaped eyes, and full lips, his brown skin glowed in the dim lights of the pub.

“That new one,” Kai said.

“Yeah.”

Kai smiled then, nodding in Y/N’s direction. “Nice of you to come check on Hazza. It’s always hectic on Fridays.”

“Oh, our other flatmate took me here, I didn’t come by choice.”

Kai’s eyebrows rose on his face and he looked at Harry who barked out a laugh, shrugging his shoulders at Kai as they exchanged a look. Harry walked over to stand right in front of her, signalling to Kai that he could take care of this one. Kai walked off, taking someone else’s order.

“Even feistier than I remember, you are,” Harry said.

She cocked her head to the side as Harry gathered a glass for her drink, already assuming that was what she was going to get. “You didn’t seem to have a problem with it before.”

It left her lips before she even registered she was thinking it. Harry only took a deep breath before meeting Y/N’s eyes again, clearly choosing to ignore her statement. “What can I get you, Y/N?”

“Sex on the Beach, please,” she said. “Two of them.”

“Alright.” Harry started making them right away, signalling to someone that he’d be right with them after this. Y/N looked around her, meeting the gaze of the man who had just stood by her at the bar. He raised his glass in her direction and she smiled back. She definitely had to go talk to him after this. He seemed to be a bit older, maybe five years older than her, but just for tonight, she did not care.

Y/N glanced back at Harry and watched him, fascinated by how fast he managed to make the drinks. “How long have you worked here, then?”

“A year abouts,” Harry said. “Worked in a hotel when we moved to Brum. Tended to work at the bar when the bartender was out.”

Y/N nodded, eyes on his hands as he poured ice, shots, and all types of alcohol and liquids into her drink. “You lived there till you moved to London?”

“Yeah.” They were quiet for a moment, both of them remembering all of the things that were left unsaid between them. All of those words, moments, and memories they had created during those months the two of them had crossed paths in Nottingham.

He cleared his throat as he put the drinks down in front of her. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t much like Brum.”

Y/N took a grip of the glasses. “And why’s that?”

“Dunno. Just didn’t find my footing proper.”

“In the two years you lived there?”

He shrugged. “Guess not.”

Y/N clicked her tongue. “Was it that bad?”

“Nah, I met tons of ace people and Birmingham’s a decent place, but…” He shrugged again. “Dunno.”

“Hmm,” she said, trying to decipher his words and if he was being truthful or not.

“Anyway,” Harry said, nodding to the drinks. “Take that other drink to Nathan – as I’m sure it’s for him – and when you bring that middle-aged man home later: please, be quiet. I have rugby at 11 tomorrow morning.”

Y/N’s mouth fell open. “How dare-“

“-Y/N, what’s taking so fucking long?” Nathan shouted as he came up next to her. His eyes fell on Harry behind the bar. “Oh… forgot to tell you Harry works here.”

“Nath, shut the fuck up,” Y/N said, looking from Nathan and back at Harry.

Harry nodded towards the door, silently telling them to fuck off, and they did. They walked back to the rest who were still sitting by the same table outside. Nathan took his drink from Y/N and sat down, but just as Y/N was about to sit down, she heard someone clear their throat behind her. She looked over her shoulder rather fast, blinking a few too many times when she locked eyes with the same man who had been standing beside her by the bar.

“Hi,” he said, giving her a broad smile.

Y/N almost felt herself blush. “Hey.”

“I’m George.”

She smiled. “Y/N.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Y/N,” he said, he gestured at the bench where she had just been about to sit down. “Mind if I sit down with you?”

Her smile widened. “Not at all.”

Y/N felt fucking terrible. Her room was too hot, too humid. Body sticky with sweat, limbs aching, throat burning with yesterday’s alcohol, and head throbbing, she opened her eyes slowly before shutting them again, groaning into her pillow. She hated herself for not drinking as much water before bed as she usually did when coming home from a night out. Sitting up, she looked down at the man beside her, racking her brain to remember what his name was. She ran her hands over her face, reaching for her glasses so she could see something, but quickly realising she left her contact lenses in the night before. Her eyes were so dry it hurt to blink and she suddenly realised why her head was hurting more than normal. Cursing herself, Y/N got out of bed with her glasses perched at the top of her head, picking up a tee shirt and some tights, pulling on her fluffy dressing gown before she made her way out of her room as soundlessly as possible.

She stumbled her way to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. First thing she did was take her contacts out, struggling to do so as the contacts were so dry, her eyes having dried out with them. She splashed water in her face next, then drank the equivalent to the Atlantic Ocean before splashing even more water on her face. She then put her glasses on, realising that she had to let her eyes relax some after what she had just put them through. It took her awhile to gather up the courage to go to the toilet, where she made herself throw up the nausea she was feeling before having a very long peeing session.

Moments of the night before came rushing back to her, and as she sat there on the toilet, she remembered more and more. The name George came to her like out of a fog, and then the details started falling into place. She remembered how he’d bought her more drinks, how the two of them had sat talking all night about nothing in particular. She remembered his hand on her thigh and him leaning into her to whisper in her ear. Then they were in her room, her front against the mattress and his weight on her back. It was all hazy after that, most of it just a mess of limbs and chasing a release that she had never caught up with. Though Y/N usually made it clear that she hadn’t come, she was too worn out to tell George. She remembered falling asleep almost the second they were done. To say she had been underwhelmed was an understatement.

When she was done, she walked down the stairs for the kitchen. Once again, she was left stopping right in her tracks as she walked in. Harry stood by the stove, eyes on the pan in front of him where he was making eggs, a few asparagus and peppers cooking beside the two frying eggs. For a moment, she debated walking back upstairs and leaving Harry to it, but then he glanced over at the door to his right, meeting her eyes right away. He gave her a tight-lipped smile before turning back to his breakfast. God… Y/N wanted to set herself on fire. It’d be better than staying inside a room with Harry alone after years apart.

He wore rugby shorts that reached mid-thigh, a white tee shirt to go with it, and a hairband to keep his hair out of his face. Y/N realised just then that he was getting ready to leave for rugby as he had told her yesterday he would. She could remember him doing rugby when they knew each other three years ago as well, but she didn’t think he’d still be doing it.

The small conversation they had in The Stag’s Head the night before lingered in the air between and around them. That was reason enough to turn and walk upstairs again. But as Y/N remembered who was waiting for her in her room, she stepped into the kitchen. She got two slices of bread and put them in the toaster, getting some butter and milk out of the fridge as she waited. She watched Harry’s back as she filled the kettle with enough water, quickly looking away when he moved to put his eggs on the two slices of bread on his plate. Biting her lip, Y/N got a mug and a teabag, looking back over at Harry as he stood holding his breakfast plate. Y/N took a deep breath, knowing exactly what she had to do.

“Okay,” she said only a second before Harry turned around to face her, mouth open as if to say something. He must have noticed the tension as well. “We need to talk this through. We can’t live together for the next year if it’s gonna be like this. Just gonna put that out there right away.”

“Yeah,” Harry sighed. “I’ve been thinking the same thing.”

Y/N leaned her hip against the counter, feeling relieved that she was not the only one out of the two that had thought about how incredibly awkward this was. “You’ve thought about it too?”

“Of course. I’ve been fuming ‘cause Nathan didn’t tell you sooner, and I’ve also found it annoying how I’m the bad guy in your eyes when this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for Nate.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “I haven’t thought of you as the bad guy-“

“-Y/N,” Harry said, putting his plate down on the counter again. “You’ve been angry at me this whole time. I can tell.”

“My frustration with you has got nothing to do with this situation, but all to do with how you just left without even saying goodbye before you moved away.” Y/N crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m trying to not blame you for this as well, but you’re right, Nathan’s the one that made this happen, we should be angry with him.”

“So you have been mad at me.”

“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?” Y/N narrowed her eyes. “Isn’t it just easier, no matter how stupid the reason, to just find more things to make you angry at a person? To make you hate them even more? Isn’t it just satisfying to find other ways to be frustrated with them?”

“No.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I am.”

“Anyway,” Y/N continued, getting her bread slices out of the toaster to put butter on them. “Why didn’t we say anything? If we’ve both thought it’s been awkward, I mean.”

“You’ve been busy shagging men 10 years older than you, I didn’t get the chance.”

“Look at you not being frustrated or annoyed with me.”

“I told you to be quiet last night,” Harry said, getting a fork and putting some asparagus and paprika in his mouth. “You weren’t.”

Y/N got the kettle as it finished, pouring some hot water into her mug. “So, what you’re saying is that you’ve been angry with me.”

“Not angry, just…” Harry sighed. “Fine. A little angry last night, yes.”

Y/N smiled. “And he wasn’t 10 years older than me, he’s five years older.” She paused. “I think.”

“Right,” Harry said, eating more of his breakfast. “Listen…” He swallowed. “I think we should just… We should just address it.”

“Yeah.”

They were both quiet, looking at the other and waiting for them to say what they were both thinking. Though it looked like he was about to reach for his bread to take a bite, Harry stopped himself. Instead, he took a deep breath, and said, “It was fucking terrible. That first time…” He trailed off, narrowing his eyes before he ran a hand over his face, remembering it all over again. “I didn’t even last a minute. It was mortifying.”

“It wasn’t half as mortifying as you trying to go down on me afterwards.”

Harry let out a small laugh. “Yeah, that wasn’t really…” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“No, we were both part of it. You don’t have to apologise for that.”

“You hear all these stories about how losing your virginity is supposed to be so beautiful, but it’s not. It’s really fucking not. Especially if you lose it to someone else who hasn’t had sex before, it just makes it double as awkward.”

Y/N nodded. “It was shit. Both of us were shit.”

“Exactly.”

“But I hope you know the reason I’m frustrated with you isn’t because of that.”

Harry looked away, biting at his bottom lip before he said, “Yeah, I know why.”

“Good, just wanted that to be clear.”

Harry nodded, taking his bread slice in his hand, making sure the egg wouldn’t fall off before he brought it to his mouth. “Well, now that we’ve addressed that, let’s just move on.”

“Let’s.”

She gave him a small smile before taking her teabag out of her mug and throwing it in the bin. There was still some tension in the room, but not enough for Y/N to want to set herself on fire like she had wanted to before. Just as she was about to take a grip of her plate and cuppa, the sounds of footsteps made her look up. George, who had been asleep last time Y/N checked, walked by the kitchen, halting as he saw Y/N and Harry standing there in the kitchen. He gave them both a smile Y/N could tell was forced, and then walked straight for the door without a single word or a second glance. Y/N and Harry looked at one another, sharing a look before they both chuckled ever so slightly.

“Cracking bloke,” Harry mumbled.

“Innit,” Y/N huffed, picking up her breakfast. “Have fun at rugby practice.”

“Cheers.”

She walked by him, hoping that her room did not smell of George or anything resembling alcohol or sweat. If it did, she would hit her head against the wall. But, lucky for her, George had left the door open, which had given the room a little bit of time to get the smell of last night out. After putting on her fluffy duvet cover, she opened the windows to let some fresh air in, and left her door open as she sat down in bed with her laptop, tea, and breakfast.

Just as she was about to put her plate down on the nightstand, she noticed something already laying there on top of her books. Adjusting her glasses, Y/N squinted at the object. She put her plate down on her duvet cover and reached for the wristwatch George had left. It was the nice leather one she had seen last night by the bar, the one that had caught her attention first. The digital clock seemed to have stopped working, displaying a random time that Y/N in her hangover state could not tell anyone what was. She was too fucked to even try and understand the numbers in front of her.

She put the clock back on her desk, hoping that she’d run into George soon so she could give it back to him. Or maybe Nathan could stalk Facebook and find him so she could message him there to tell him. She was glad she hadn’t exchanged phone numbers with George as she did not want to meet him again, but right now, she wanted to give him his watch back.

Y/N heard the front door open and then close, indicating that Harry had just left for rugby, and, as far as she could tell, she was the only one currently awake in her flat. The morning was quiet, she felt oddly at peace as she put on Fleabag and sipped her cuppa, and little did she know, this would be one of those rare moments over the last three years that this emotion inhabited her body.

NEXT UPDATE: Sunday, 7th March, 9PM GMT!

Huge thanks to my AMAZING beta reader! 🏛️ @aileenacoustic 🏛️ @devil-in-bw-the-sheets 🏛️ @sunflowerstache​ 🏛️ @fromyourstrulyh​ 🏛️

FIC PAGE | COME TALK !!!

[heshoes]

She was his best friend and they shared everything together already anyway. What difference would it make if it were a hat, shampoo, or the same bed sometimes? So what? That's what the Uni Daze were about, having fun, traditions, getting serious, new relationships, friendships, heart ache, break-ups, make ups, secrets, the occasional/casual bajingo here and there, and possibly, just maybe, finding the love of your life and hoping that it all works out.

Warnings: smut, slow burn, angst, mentions of abortion, mentions of verbal abuse

Harry Styles x OC (Face claim Zendaya)

Uni Daze Masterlist

Chapter 2 ( Word Count 6.7K )

Harry

My school day was absolutely long but it kept me busy and busy to me is a good thing. It keeps me balanced though I know Chelle would disagree since he keeps telling me as such over the phone.

"The only reason you think that trying to fit 72 hours in a 24 hour day is a balance is because of your parents. Just because they're work driven arseholes doesn't mean that you have to follow in their footsteps.”

"That's impossible to do, I don't work that much. My parent's aren't arsehole's they're just successful. Is that so wrong to want success?”

"It is when its your last year of uni and you're being a kill joy.”

"I said I would go out for drinks, Chelle. How is my compliance to something that I don't want to do being a kill joy?”

"Because you're not doing it with a smile. You've become boring. Your sex life and your regular life has turned about as vanilla as a middle aged man. We never had to beg you to come out last year or over the summer, Harrow. Think of it as a week of extended holidays. No one does anything the first week of classes anyway. It's all rules and instructions on how to prepare. We've been in uni for three years. We should know the jist of it by now.”

"But it's not summer anymore, Chelle and you know some professors like to give assignments in the first few days. We have two papers already in seminar for fucks sake.”

Michelle sighed in annoyance.

"Yeah, but, those aren't due for ages, Haz. Fun is due right now.”

"This is the year to pull your shit together. Everyone can't not study and get perfect marks like you. Sorry.”

"The phrase 'can't not' is a double edged sword.”

"What?" I spun around in my desk at work, handing a first year her keys. Its only the first day and she's already lost her keys and has to use her spare for a fifty pound charge. She looks nervous as well and her face is kind of red. She grins at me and says a shy 'thank you' before walking away, staring back at me and kind of tripping over her own feet on her way to the lift. I tried not to laugh, but honestly it was kind of funny.

"You know, a double edged sword? A double negative?You can't say 'can't not' next to each other in a sentence. It's repetitive of itself. You should be embarrassed. This is primary school stuff Harrow. Mr. “I have to take the UKCAT this year.”"

"Whatever Chelle! See? That's what I mean. I need a balance. I need to be able to be involved in school. I should have taken it more serious when we first started out.”

"You do realize balance means a good amount of your job, school work, AND a social life which includes parties and pubs and going out with your mates without a grumble?”

"I'm going out for drinks tonight! You're starting to piss me off."

"If the truth is anything it's annoying, Harry." I nodded my head and began to swivel around in my chair. I'd just gotten to work and had three and a half more hours to go. I'm glad I have a job and all but this one is fucking boring.

Speaking of truth.

"Do the boys know about your um...your new team?”

"No. Actually they don’t."

Oh.

“Oh?"

"Yeah, um, I was hoping that it was something that we could keep between me and you for now. Just until I can figure things out. I'd love to say that I'm for sure just this one thing. I know I said it this morning, but I'm still not sure, okay?”

"Yeah. Sure, of course." I stopped spinning in my seat and dizzying myself when I heard my manager's voice,"Look I've gotta go. I'm not supposed to be on the phone and my boss is coming.”

"Oh so there is some rebellion left in you? You're living on the edge now, Hazland. Why can't you use your phone? All you do is sit in a chair and answer phones and make people keys when they lock themselves out of their dorm.”

"Bye Michelle!" I quickly hung up the phone and stuck it into my pocket smiling awkwardly at Professor Forrester as he approached the front desk with someone else right next to him. She had on a Cambridge work shirt much like myself letting me know that I more than likely wouldn't be alone for the rest of my shift.

"Rion, this is Harry," Professor Forrester spoke to her before addressing me, "today is her first day here at the university and working. I told her that she would be in good hands if I left her here with you. Show her the ropes and maybe show her around campus when you're not at work? I've got to go," Professor Forrester turned to face the new girl before he nodded back at me, "any questions you have, ask him. He'll know all of the answers.”

She nodded her head up and down slowly before giving a shy grin and we were left alone as Forrester left the building.

“Hi."

“Hello."

"I'm Harry.”

She laughed to herself before nodding her head at me.

"So I was told. Nice to meet you.”

Rion, I think her name was, sat down in her seat next to mine after speaking back to me, lowering her rucksack down to the ground before pulling out a book. It was a good idea really. Maybe I should have brought one? I barely get the chance to read, especially living with Michelle. She always finds a way to interrupt, either that or my ADD kicks in, all the more reason for me to put in more effort at school. I took out my phone once I knew that Forrester was gone, but I really had nothing to do with it. I had no new text messages besides Michelle.

Chelle: Drinksssssss 🍻🍺🍺🍺🍻🍻🍻😉

I grinned before shaking my head and replying back to her, something just as stupid as she sent me.

To Chelle: Tortureeeeeeee😣🔫🍺😒

Chelle: Dramatic!

Ignoring her last text, I took out my earphones and turned up the music on my phone as I placed them in my ears. I suppose it was a bit loud because out of the corner of my eye I could see Rion scrunching her nose while she tried to read.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you.”

"No disturbance, I was just trying to figure the tune. Runaway?”

“Wh-what?"

She laughed before she pointed to the phone in my hand and repeated herself.

"Is that Runaway by Ed Sheeran?”

I nodded my head, not able to stop the stupid grin that cut across my face.

"You know Ed Sheeran that’s not on top 40?”

"Who doesn't? The man's a musical genius.”

She smiled at me before she turned back to her book, but I couldn't help but to keep talking to her.

"What school did you used to go to? Um, if you don't mind me asking…"

"Nope, don't mind at all. I used to go to Bristol Uni. How about yourself? Have you been at Cambridge all of your university career?”

I nodded my head and she looked impressed, but I'm sure she wouldn't be if she knew that I was a legacy and that I slacked off for the first three and a half years. Good thing that I'm getting my shit together now.

"Yeah, it’s alright here.”

"Just alright?”

"One of the best alrights I guess. Welcome to Cambridge and congratulations.”

"Thank you.”

I smiled at her and the conversation was on the verge of ending, but before I stuck my other ear bud in I paid closer attention to the book that she had in her hand.

"Scott Fitzgerald."

"Pardon?" Rion raised an eyebrow at me.

"That's F. Scott Fitzgerald.”

She raised her book showing me the spine, shocked that I hadn't seen the cover but still got the author right.

"You know F. Scott Fitzgerald?" She smiled at me while relaying my words back to me.

"Who doesn't? The man was a written genius. Not to mention that the book you're reading happens to be one of my favorites.”

She smiled again.

"Usually people only notice Fitzgerald if The Great Gatsby is involved." She turned her chair towards mine giving me a better view of her.

"Gatsby is a classic, but I think that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button has more character.”

We continued to talk and before I knew it the shift was over. No one else needed keys and the phone barely rung. I probably would have stayed beyond the time that I was supposed to get off talking and creating awkward conversation with Rion had it not been for Michelle's reminders:

Chelle: Tonight is gonna be fun 😊

Chelle: You're off work in 1⃣5⃣ min🎉🎊

Chelle: I'm gonna get you so fucked up!😝

Chelle: I'm excited 😬

To Chelle: No 💩. Too excited I reckon 😐

I laughed to myself as I gathered my things to leave the building, not fully believing that I allowed Michelle to talk me into drinking tonight, even though part of me knew that I wouldn't be able to break tradition. Rion put her book away, that she never really got into reading and followed behind me out the door and to the parking lot. She seemed cool from what I got to know about her in the amount of time that I did and since she's new, I figure that it wouldn't hurt to ask.

"Hey, a couple of my friends and I are getting together tonight to The Mill. Its a pub right up the road on Mill lane, if you're not busy, you should, um, you should come.”

"Mill pub? On a Monday?”

"Yeah, it's kind of a tradition that we started when we started here." I rub my shoulder as I wait for her answer. I don't know why I feel nervous about it but I do.

"It sounds like fun, but I shouldn’t, not tonight at least. I wouldn't be able to bear it if I missed class tomorrow because of a hangover, and I kind of also have plans.”

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it like you didn't have anything else to do or-”

"No it's fine it's just... I have a date.”

"Right. Sorry again.”

"I'll see you around though I hope?”

"Yeah, I'll see you at work.”

Rion nodded her head while giving me a content smile before she got into her car and as she pulled off, she waved to me. I waved back but as soon as her car was out of sight, I slapped myself in the face with the palm of my hand. Maybe six months is too long to go without any type of real interaction with the opposite sex besides Michelle, but honestly she doesn't count...or maybe she counts for both now?

I cleared my head of my thoughts as I got into my car that I feel like I'm too tall for. Even with the seat pushed down as low as it can go, I still can feel the top of my head brush against the roofing of it. By now I'm sure I've saved up enough to get a new one. A new car could be my mini treat to myself for cutting myself off from a social life. The more that I think about the way that my conversation with Rion just ended the more that I start to agree with Michelle and the more excited I get for the night of boozy tradition.

As soon as eleven thirty-five hit, my phone rang. When I answered it Michelle's voice came through clear as if she were sitting here next to me in the car, even though background noise and music blares in the room around her.

"Everyone is here but you. Are you en route?”

"Everyone?" I ask her with skepticism in my tone. I would be shocked if everyone showed up.

"Yes everyone. Niall, Darragh, and Zayn. Everyone but you. Are you on your way?”

I don't know why I even asked her if everyone would be there. I knew that Louis wouldn't show even though it was him and Darragh who started this tradition..

"Yeah, I'm on my way. This should be fun.”

"That's the spirit I've been looking for Harrow. It sounds like you've had a change of heart since earlier.”

"Yeah, I think I've been looking at my textbooks too long and not at real people. One night won't kill me I suppose.”

"If one night is done right, then yes, yes it will. And what do you mean you don't see real people? I see you everyday.”

"You're not a real person, Michelle. I'm not quite sure what you are yet.”

"I think I might have an idea by now." Michelle said while chuckling on the other end of the line.

"And what would that be?”

"Getting lucky tonight. Get here soon and I can be your wing-lady.”

The pub was in the early stages of being crowded when I got there and I couldn't deny how excited I was to see the boys, Michelle included even though I saw her only just this morning. The last time that we were all together was in the middle of June, but after that we really hadn't had time to hang out. Everyone had gotten busy and into their own things. Besides keeping in touch over the phone occasionally, we haven't really talked that much either.

The first person that I saw when I got in was Niall. He sat next to Darragh with a cigarette hanging from his lips, patting down his jeans in search of a lighter no doubt. When we made eye contact, he stuck his arms out to the side with his fingers spread wide and a smile on his face. Darragh looked at him as if he lost his mind until he followed Niall's line of vision and then quickly stood from his seat.

"Harry! How are you lad? Drinks are on Liam so order the most expensive thing possible.”

I received two claps on the back from each of them when I reached the table and then a smack on my ass that made me jump and then turn around find the guilty culprit. I should have known who it was straight away.

"Chelle! That actually hurt.”

She laughed at my discomfort with some kind of frothy drink in her hand as I grabbed my bum cheek and rubbed it over my jeans.

"Probably because there's barely any meat there to cushion the blow.”

I shook my head at her and squinted my eyes before I responded, "It's not about what's back there, its all about what's in the front. Girls don't date me for my bum.”

“Well, according to you, girls don't date you at all, not recently at least.”

Niall and Darragh started to laugh and a stream of smoke came through Niall's nose reminding me of an angry bull from a cartoon before he took another drag from his cigarette, this time intentionally blowing a ring of smoke before sucking it back in through his nostrils. I probably could have strangled Michelle in that moment, but it was true. My mind goes back to Rion and work and I can feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

"Mitch told us about your six month drought.”

"Stop calling me Mitch!”

Niall ignored Michelle's outburst before continuing, "She says you haven't gotten laid since your birthday.”

"Do you know what a penis fly catcher even looks like anymore?" Darragh added to Niall's teasing causing my nose to scrunch.

"Penis fly catcher?”

"Yeah, it's better than what you call it. What do you say again? Bajango?”

"No Darragh," Niall cuts in, "Django was a movie. He says bajingo. It makes sense to me.”

Michelle scrunches her nose in disgust and confusion at our conversation but doesn't say anything. Really though, what more could be added to this?

"It's not that big of a deal guys." I bring the conversation back to where it was before it drifted into a dark place so quickly. It can't be that bad. Can it? Perhaps it is? I don't even know at this point anymore.

"Oi leave him alone," Zayn chimed in as he walked up to the table with Liam with two beers in hand, passing me one before he sat down, "its alright Harry sex isn't everything...but six months is a long ass time. But enough about that. What has everyone been up to?”

It was almost like a show and tell as we went around the table talking about what we'd missed out on over the summer since we hadn't seen each other. Niall and Darragh went to Ibiza for the month of July staying in hostels and partying until all hours of the morning. Apparently Niall is in love with a girl he met there, but he doesn't remember her name so I don't know how accurate that is

Zayn spent a good amount of time in France with his girlfriend, sorry, fiancé. The fucker got engaged in France. Everyone thought that he and Daphne were gonna be a short lived thing since they met at a club and all, but people find love and fall in it in mysterious ways I guess. Michelle would be a prime example of that...but love is not involved with her apparently. A player not to be played anymore. I still have questions to ask her about that but I guess I'll have to wait until later since she doesn't want the guys to know that she's traded outies for innies. I could out her like she did me and my drought, but that's way more personal and I've decided that I'm not that much of an asshole, if I'm one at all that is.

Liam was arrested and his parents flipped out. For what I'm kind of scared to ask, but I'm sure it was something accidental. Sometimes I wonder how Liam even got into Cambridge, but I guess that they don't test for common sense, only book smarts.

When it got to Michelle's turn, she just talked about how she flew back home for a few weeks at the very start of summer to visit family and then came back here, but of course that's not anything that I didn't already know. When she came back was when I noticed all of the girlfriends that she had. It was odd to me because Michelle generally hated girls and hanging out with them, but then again, she obviously doesn't hate them that much.

When I told them that the most exciting part of my summer had been joining a book club for some work that I had to get ready to do for senior class, studying for the UKCAT that's not until the end of the school year, and sometimes coming here to Mill pub with Michelle I realized that what she said was true. My life had become vanilla, but I'm honestly kind of alright with it.

We continued to talk, share, laugh and drink until it was at least half three in the morning. I was waiting to see if Michelle was going to change her mind and let the lads know about her newfound liking but she kept it private between me and her the way that she said she would and it kind of made me smile. That along with the ridiculous amount of beer and shots consumed brought a goofy smile to my face by the end of the night.

By exactly three forty-five I was seeing double and couldn't drive home. Niall and Darragh had left to go back to their apartment that happened to be a few blocks down from ours, and Zayn and Liam stayed behind at the bar to drink deciding that they were too far gone now and might as well finish strong. They also decided that class tomorrow isn't important.

Michelle would have stayed behind with them I'm sure, but she has the tendency to be this odd motherly type when I get beyond the legal limit. I think she just likes to laugh at me because I start to say foolish things when my tongue loosens up in my mouth and my words slur. I tried to get up from the table discreetly so that I could walk home while Mitch, Zayn, and Liam continued to chat, but I knocked over a chair.

“Oh shit. I'm sorry bro." I chuckled to myself like an idiot as I picked up the chair earning the lads attention.

"Where are you going?" Michelle's eyes seemed to widen as she took in the state of me.

"Home. I've got class in the morrow-morning.”

"Do you honestly think that you're going to make it to class? Look at you, you can barely stand. My job is complete.” Michelle grins in triumph and I squint my eyes at her trying to figure out when she was going to tell me that she was a triplet.

"You're a horrible people and I don't know why we're friends." I think I was looking at her when I said it, but it could have very well been one of her sisters.

"Alright, and that's my cue. We'll see you later guys." Michelle spoke to Liam and Zayn as stood from the table, a little wobbly at best bus still in a better condition than I was in.

"You don't have to walk me home, Michelle. I'm not no kid.”

Michelle laughed as I stumbled, almost tripping on a crack in the pavement.

"Since I live there too I'm not technically walking you home. I'm walking home with you.”

I checked to see if my car was locked before we began our walk. The crisp early morning air sobered me up a bit, but I was still highly intoxicated and grinning.

"How was your first day of classes?" Michelle asked me breaking the silence of our trek back to our flat.

"Hmm, was okay. Good actually... I met this…met this girl.”

"You did? You were holding out on us at the pub! Who is it? Do I know who she is?”

"No, I don't think you do," I paused to hiccup hoping that was all that I had to do, "She's new here and you don't like girls. I mean, well, you know what I mean. You wouldn't know her.”

Michelle laughed while shaking her head.

“So it's a first year? I'm ashamed of you! I know you haven't dated in a while but that's sweeping the bottom of the barrel, Harrow.”

“No not a first year," hiccup "She's around my age, just new to Cambridge.”

“Oh," Michelle spoke putting her key in the door before she opened it "Where'd you meet her?”

“Work. I kind of asked her to come to the pub with me, but she said she had a date and I kind of sounded like a blubbering idiot when I asked her. I don't know.”

“Harry! You can't just invite people to come to the pub and we haven't met them yet! What if she was awful? Good thing she didn't come. That tradition is sacred for us. Whatever you said to her was probably fine. She just had other plans... Do you know why I've recently started calling you Harrow Harry?”

“Because it's one of the many odd nicknames you've created for me?”

“No. Harrow as in the adjective, it just so happens to fit with you. Har•row when used in verbal tense, means to cause distress to. You're causing unnecessary distress to yourself when you worry about things like the UKCAT and assignments that aren't due until the end of the year, and whatever you've said to this mystery bird that you've met at work. Fun. You used to be much less tense and more fun. You need to chill out and relax. You need to I don't know, get some maybe.”

I rolled my eyes before running my hand through my hair and walking into the kitchen, opening the cabinet in search of my favorite drunken snack, grabbing it when I found it and heading for my room. Quickly stripping off into my boxers, I fell against my bed before I turned on my television and got under the covers. I ate my snack in peace before Michelle knocked on my door twice and then let herself in.

"I could have been naked! you could at least wait for me to say come in.”

“Yeah well, its not like I've never seen a penis before and they're not really my main thing anymore you know?” Michelle climbed into bed with me, intruding while I tried to hide my snacks.

"What are you eating?”

“Nothing.” I slowed my chewing in hopes that she would lose interest.

"Harry I see them! Are those teddy grahams?”

“No!”

“They are! They're a snack for a five year old.”

“Teddy grahams don't have an age limit.”

“You should be embarrassed.” Chelle spoke before grabbing the box and taking a handful for herself, moving around too much for my drunken stomach to handle.

"Oohh these are nice. These are new sheets aren't they?”

"Chelle! Stop moving! Why are you in my room? Get out!”

“My room is too hot, so I've decided that we're going to have a sleepover. You get the better ventilation. You should trade with me.”

“What?”

“I'll sleep on the floor. It really is dreadful in my room.”

I sigh before I grab my pillows and comforter and toss them on the ground leaving Michelle the bed as I make my way to the floor.

“Aww Harry you're the sweetest, but I can really take the floor.”

“No, it's fine. Just don't do anything perverted while you're up there.”

“What like masturbate? I'm not you.”

I chuckled turning to face her from my position on the floor.

“Exactly, but if you do at least that I’m asleep first…Thats just common courtesy. ”

“Sure thing, Harlot. I can do that for you.” Michelle responded without pause causing me to chuckle before my head hit the pillow.

****

“ My head,” I groaned, waking up on the floor with my covers wrapped around me too tight much like a swaddling cloth. After successfully the blanket away from me in an attempt to escape confinement, I sat up slowly only to make the headache worse than it already was and add a new pain to the mix. “My back.”

I had almost forgotten that I slept on the floor to be nice and allowed Michelle to stay in my bed, but when I turned around to look at it I quickly discovered that she wasn't there. I could hear fumbling around in the kitchen and when I stood to follow the noise, the pounding in my head grew. When I reached the small space that we mostly use to microwave shitty food and store alcohol and juice, I saw that Michelle was fully dressed. I mean, well, if you can call an oversized sweater and tights with ladders down the legs in random places dressed then thats what she was.

“Morning, sunshine. How do you feel.”

“Like my head might explode all over the kitchen and I still have to get ready for class. Today is going to be long as shit,” my words slurred proving that there was still traces of alcohol in my bloodstream and when I swayed back and forth feeling as if I might lose my balance, I knew, “I'm still fucked.”

Michelle laughed at me before she flipped her pancake onto a plate and ran it back and forth below my nose. I snatched it from her and took a bite of the buttery breakfast cake without using the fork that she offered.

“Don't be such a savage, Haz. I'm not going to take the food from you after I've clearly been slaving over the oven for five whole minutes so that you could eat. Slow down, chew your food, and sit like a civilized human being. If you eat like that you're going to require the heimlich maneuver and unfortunately I don't know it. You'll turn blue and die in front of me on a Tuesday afternoon and that would put a slight damper on my day.”

“Afternoon?” I asked her while chewing around the pancake, “Afternoon?”

“Yes, Styles. Thats what I said.”

I put the plate that I was holding down on our small kitchen bench before I walked out into living room to squint at the only other clock that we had besides our cell phones, only to confirm what Chelle had just said. I rubbed my hands over my eyes hoping that it was just an illusion and what I'd seen was wrong because if it was the truth, I'd missed all of my morning classes for the day.

“Three eleven? It can't be three eleven! I had classes from nine until two!”

“And you slept through them like a baby.”

“Fuck! Michelle why didn't you wake me up? What's the point of having an Ultimate Alarm if it's not going to be used?”

“Harry, remember that little chat we had yesterday about distress and the use of your nickname? And in order for me to wake you up, I would have had to been up too. Even if I was, I wouldn't be using the Ultimate Alarm to save you with the splitting hangover that I had,” Michelle shakes her head in clear disgust before she continued, “too loud.”

My eyes widened as I looked at my friend, bewildered, annoyed, and somewhere deep down, somewhat amused. I waved my hand between the two of us before I gave up and ran it over my face exasperatedly. This is not how I intended to start the year off. My hand ascended from my face to sliding through my hair in distress, “Thats the point of the alarm, Michelle. It's supposed to be loud. It's supposed to wake you up.”

“Harry, calm down. When we got to sleep it was like seven in the morning anyway. I don't know how you expected to be up, awake, and alert in class. Don't you have like seven others that you can go to tonight? Over achiever.”

“If I shower now I can make it to my organic chemistry class.”

“Gross.”

I looked over to Michelle and frowned before I continued, “ Thanks for throwing me off by the way, making pancakes at three in the afternoon and making me think that it was morning.”

“Whatever time of day that you wake up is morning to me. I was feeling like pancakes, so I made pancakes. You didn't seem to mind them by the way that you were eating them a few minutes ago, arsehole.”

The mention of the food reminded me of how dry my throat was and how alcohol will leave your mouth feeling like you'd guzzled sand if you consume enough of it. I felt like a raisin.

“Do we have anymore orange juice?”

"No. Sorry I finished that all yesterday morning when you almost killed me and Alison with that damn fog horn.”

“Alison?” I smirked at Michelle before I started to tease. "Usually a player doesn't remember a conquests name.”

“You would know," she retorted back while squinting her eyes, “ you used to be one. But don't worry, Harry. I'll get so good at it that you won't ever catch one of them leaving the next morning ever again. I'll be like a black widow or is it a praying mantises that kill all other intimacy as soon as they've finished with them? I'll send them on their way so that I can sleep in my bed alone. It'll be like a switch.”

Michelle grinned as she spoke, silently approving her idea as I thought about how lonely it sounded. It actually saddened me. Michelle isn't the type that can handle being cold hearted and callous enough to kick people out of bed. After being in a monogamous relationship for three years, I could tell that she was the type who craved intimacy. She deserved it. What she just explained to me sounded like eventually it would take its toll on her and she would break down like she did before, substituting my shirt sleeves for tissues.

I keep my opinions to myself, not having enough time before my next class starts to really sit down with her and talk about them. If it's one thing that I cherish about Michelle and I's relationship is that we can literally almost talk about anything, if we had the proper amount of time to do so. I shake my head at her before I head down the hall, calling back to her.

“I never was a player, Mitch. I just wasn't steady in my relationships like you.”

"Whatever you say, Harold. Please go put on trousers…I don't want to see your moose knuckle.”

****

I'd made it to my chemistry lecture on time, and though I tried my hardest, it was extremely difficult to keep my eyes open. Even though I'd slept past all of my morning classes, I still didn't get the best rest from sleeping on the floor. Michelle was irritatingly right again. The only thing that was really mentioned today since it was still the very beginning of the school year, was instruction and what the professor expected from us as a class, so when my eyes closed momentarily as I sat at the back of the room, I didn't feel so bad. Before I knew it the lecture was over and I was rustled awake my the movement of students as they gathered their bags to leave the room.

"You've got a bit of dribble there." A familiar voice laughed as I stepped out of the classroom I wiped my mouth sheepishly before smiling at her.

“Rion, hi how are you?”

“I'm good. Getting around campus well enough, but how are you? You look pretty worn out and its only the second official day of the school year. Did your tradition get the best of you last night? You've got imprint marks from your sweater on your face.”

My hand went to the side of my face that she pointed out, the imprints from my clothing giving away my previous position before I flashed her a quick grin and responded ,Um, uh yeah kind of. I may or may not have missed all of my classes this morning. Mitch didn't wake me up, bad influence I guess.”

“Mitch?”

"Oh, um sh- Mitch is just...Mitch is my roommate." I explained in a panic I didn't want to scare her off with the details. I think I might actually have a chance with Rion, if I don't put my foot in my mouth that is.

“Oh I see.”

Rion smiled at me and I didn't even realize that we've been walking and talking this entire time. Conversation flows easily with her even though I stumble over my words. I feel like I'm just remembering how to talk to the opposite sex besides Michelle and feel kind of pathetic, but Rion doesn't seem to mind as she continues to smile laugh and start on new topics of conversation.

“So how long were you out for?”

“I didn't go to sleep until seven this morning and my head was pounding when I woke up. I really have no one to blame but myself. I told my friends that I would only have one drink and ended the night on my ass. I still have to go back to the pub and get my car, because I had to end up walking home. How I got to the right apartment on the first try is a mystery to me.”

Rion giggled in a cute way before tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear allowing me to see her features more. Her neck was slender and long, connecting to her shoulders delicately. She had a small tattoo that looked to be a ballet flat behind her left ear. Those tattoos placed just there always seemed like they might hurt, like they deserved to be kissed better even though the ache from the needle has been long gone. I could envision my lips on just that spot. I must have glanced at her just a bit longer than I should have causing a rosy hue to make its presence known on her cheeks. It made me smile before I quickly changed the subject this time, not wanting her to think that I was rude or weird for staring.

"How did your date go?"

She took deep breath before deciding if she wanted give a response or not and we ended up in the courtyard right before the student parking lot.

"It came and went, I suppose. Nothing really interesting to report. It sounds like I would have had more fun if I had taken the offer to go out for drinks with you. I'm usually not really big on drinking on the weekdays, but after that date I honestly might have taken a shot or four."

I smiled, selfishly happy that she didn't have a good time. I want to ask her out, but I feel like its too damn soon. I only met her yesterday anyway. Maybe its a good thing that she turned me down. When the time is right to ask her I'm sure I'll know. Hopefully I will.

"I'm sorry it didn't go as planned. Someone should take you out and show you a good time."

"Yeah, hopefully someone will sooner rather than later."

I think the emphasis that she put on the word someone was aimed at me, but I could be wrong. I don't know what else to say so I cap the conversation off with a , "Yeah" and mentally slap myself in the face before I grin awkwardly at her. I look around the parking lot as we come up to a white Toyota and she takes her keys out signaling that the tiny car is hers.

"Oh, well I'll let you go and get on with the rest of your day. Good seeing you."

"Okay, yeah." She responds quietly before she puts the key in the lock to open the door.

This has to be the most awkward I've felt in a while. I radiate awkward and though I don't want to believe it's because of what Michelle and the boys said, I'm kind of starting to think that they might be right myself.

"Wait, Harry?"

"Yes?" I turn my head to look over my shoulder before turning around to face her.

"I can take you to go get your car if you'd like. It looks like it might rain and it would suck if you were to get all wet."

All wet. I blush at her word choice and from that point on I know. Michelle, Niall, and Darragh were right.

"No. No its okay. You don't have to and I mean, don't you have other classes?"

She shakes her head and then opens her other car door, "I'm done for the day. Really I don't have a problem taking you. Get in."

I walk back towards her, thanking her and then giving her directions to the pub from the main campus. When we pull up, sure enough my car is there. Along with a ticket taped to the window for leaving it in the lot overnight. I sigh and rub my hands over my eyes before I get out and thank Rion again. Just as she's about to pull off, I call her name causing her to stop the car and reverse.

"Yes?" She looks at me eagerly with her eyes slightly widened and and traces of a grin on her face. I scratched my head out of embarrassment before I speak while pointing to the passenger side of the car.

"I left my book bag in your car."

"Oh, sorry. Here you go." The grin falls as she unlocks her car door so that I can get my bookbag. This time when she pulls off, I wave an awkward goodbye to her before getting in my car, knocking my head against the steering wheel in defeat causing the horn to honk.

[colubrina]

Oh on social anxiety: I agree!! I have the social anxiety the size of an ocean so it's really hard for me to sit through any situation or even think of networking (I have literally just not attended seminars where I have to speak during my uni) and because I have ADHD, my brain refuses to see friends as potential networks (it's all a chest of drawers and I can't mix friends with romances or networks or classmates or colleagues, it gets extremely messy if I do) But also v luckily I have a tendency to talk an awful lot (which is probably another symptom of either anxiety or ADHD but I don't want to find out) and it's not always a good thing but it's helped me make friends easier than it would have been because I can't reach out, I NEED the other person to initiate, to say the first hello and I'm only 23 but I am not sure if I'll grow out of this, I know I'll have to get over the fear of public speaking because I want to be a professor but otherwise, I don't see how my situation could get better and I'm v terrified about that too!! (Sorry this just turned into a rant, yikes anyway have a good day/night!!)

I find the idea of 'people I know who are useful for networking' as such a DEEPLY unpleasant concept, my brain rejects it. The idea of maintaining a connection to a person simply so I can use them for my own personal benefit just doesn't work for me. It seems so gross. This is obviously a drawback in modern networking. Which is to say that I sympathize with your brain not storing people in boxes in a way that is useful for this sort of thing, even if it's a different sort of storage issue.

BUT I do have a suggestion for you regarding the public speaking thing. Mind you, it is not one I have ever implemented for myself, so this is a 'do as I say, not as I do' thing. Find a group like a local Toastmasters, and practice public speaking in a low-pressure-this-is-not-your-job situation so it becomes unfrightening. When a thing becomes ordinary, it becomes less anxiety-inducing. I know this SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE but if there's no 'bad grade' possibility attached, you may be able to take smaller steps to get more comfortable with public speaking.

Does anyone else have any good ideas for getting over this kind of fear? Totally asking for anon and not for myself...

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry XIV. Salir.

A/N: I personally love this. I hope you enjoy it too! :) 

***Preview: 

It's funny to me that she thinks my infatuation with her is about her neckline. I mean, sure, it got me breathless when I saw her tonight because she doesn’t usually dress like this and man, she looks like some sort of sex goddess; but it’s just so much more than that. It’s the way she walks, the way she bites her bottom lip, the way she calls me off…

After she unbuttons my shirt, her warm hands caress my exposed chest and she takes my shirt down my arms until it joins my jacket. Her eyes roam my chest before she smiles and takes the air out of my lungs.

“Naked Harry is my favourite Harry, you know?”

Fuck... She’s so naughty tonight. I feel her nails sinking down the skin of my shoulders before she scratches my chest and watches the pink mark she’s leaving with lustful eyes.

“Next time, don’t take so long before you kiss me.”

She pouts and it seems to have a direct line with my cock, especially when her plump bottom lip sticks out. I want to bite it and suck it into my mouth and lick it until we’re both out of breath. This girl is going to drive me crazy. I don’t know what she wants from me.

INDIE’S POV

Antonio Vega floods my room as I stare mindlessly at the notes professor Gibbins sent me. Not only did he send me the notes from the seminar I missed on Monday, he’s also sent me the notes for the rest of the week. He always sends us the notes but since he does that before lectures, we still have to add the stuff we discuss in class but I can tell he rewrote these notes after the lectures because I can read question: and answer: and it just fills my heart to imagine him writing those down for me. He must be such an incredible friend because he’s kind to everybody, I can only imagine how great he must treat his friends.

And talking about friends… I haven’t yet seen Jason or Ollie. Marie came over for lunch yesterday again but this time it was on me. I am a lot better now, I’d say I’m okay now, I just haven’t been going to the lectures because my teachers are doctors and the lectures hall is right after the hospital. It’s dangerous to go near a hospital with the flu. Some people there just can’t dare to get it.

But I know nothing from Ollie or J either. Olivia just doesn’t participate on the group chat and when Jason does it’s never to say something about himself. I hope he’s talking to the girls at least or that he just doesn’t have much to tell. Considering his situation, that’s a good thing.

I miss them though. I miss the Golden Girls and I miss going out with them and having a drink and trying to find a guy for Marie. I don’t know how long for I’m going to stand not talking to Ollie. I don’t know how she does it. I really miss her.

Harry: What are you doing tonight?

I try to get back to my surgery notes and ignore Harry’s text. I don’t know what I’m doing tonight but I don’t know if I want to see him. Okay, I’m lying, I seem to always want to see him but I don’t know if that’s what’s best for me.

Wednesday was the strangest day of my life. I woke up before he did for once and I let him sleep in. After what had happened in the am, and him almost crying and me not knowing how to comfort him, I thought he needed that sleep yet those hours of alone time and silence did no good to my racing thoughts.

I felt terrible. I still remember that feeling on the pit of my stomach that went up all the way to my throat. I felt terrible for him and I felt terrible for Dylan, I felt terribly guilty for both of them.

I don’t know why I want to know what was Harry’s turning point so bad. I’ve never been a nosy person, but maybe even that he’s rubbing off on me; and the uncertainty is curiosity’s best friend so I set my imagination free.

He can’t have lost the love of his life too. That would be too much of a coincidence but somehow, and in a fucked-up way, that would settle me down. If he was doing the same thing I am doing, I wouldn’t feel so guilty. He would have his own Dylan and I would be his Harry and that would make things better but that’s just a selfish thought and anyway the likelihood that that’s what’s wrong with him is so small it’s not even worth considering it.

Then I consider drugs. He does take diazepam in order to sleep and even though that’s not necessarily doing drugs, I read somewhere that anaesthetists are the kind of doctors who more often did drugs because of the easy access. What if he started taking amphetamines so as to study, that would partially explain his brilliance, and then he just couldn’t get out of it? He’s under so much pressure too and pressure and stress and not wanting to disappoint anyone are the perfect storm for an addiction like that.

I really hope that’s not the case. I don’t think I can go through that again but I’d feel terrible leaving him alone to deal with that if I found out that’s the case. I mean Harry is not my responsibility, his life is none of my business and I don’t have nor need to help him. Plus I wouldn’t even know how, I’m not a therapist. But I’ve been through this once already and if I couldn’t help Dylan, why would I be able to help him?

I wonder if I could ever share that with him. I’ve never shared that with anyone. Not even with Jason or Coco but they know because they’ve lived it too. Not like me but they saw it. I hate that he triggers me so much. I’m fine when I don’t think about, I’m fine when I don’t think about it.

“Blue…”

I turn around from my chair and face my begging sister. I know that tone, she’s going to ask for something. I give her a knowing look and she bites her bottom lip.

“What are you doing tonight?”

I think about Harry’s text.

“Nothing.” I shrug. “Catching up on studying I guess.”

She walks slowly and somehow dramatically inside my room until she takes a seat on my bed. She’s wearing party clothes, a black mini skirt and a white silk blouse crossed at the front. I frown. I don’t know where this is going.

“It’s Elvis Buchanan’s birthday party tonight-”

“Oh no, no, no, no.” I don’t let her finish.

Those parties are just a combination of everything I hate. It’s just rich guys trying to prove to rich girls they’re as rich as their daddies and then someone showing you their fancy car and offering to take you home just so they can make out with you and then tell the rest of them. No, no, no, there’s no way I’m going to one of those.

When I was sixteen, that was all I did. Going to stupid parties with stupid people and buying stupid ridiculously expensive dresses and just try not to be left out because that’s what always happens, that’s all they know how to do, making you feel bad. But I’ve come a long way from there and I am not about to go back there.

“Please!” Coco pouts. “Chicco’s gonna be there.”

“Chicco’s a complete ass.”

“He’s not! Please, please, please.”

She’s giving me puppy eyes. I’m so sorry for her. Her friend Amanda left to Paris when they started uni and she was the only decent person in that circle so now Coco’s all alone with all those bitches. I wish she’d just ignore them like Rio and I do, but she’s just more fit for that high society than my brother and I ever were.

Harry: Do you have plans?

“Coco, those people-”

“I know, I know what you’re going to say but not all of us are as lucky as you and have friend as great as yours.” She sighs and looks away from me but I can still see her pout.

Oh, Coco, if you knew I’m not so sure I even have friends anymore.

“Chicco’s gonna be there and the rest of girls too… Daniela too… If I don’t go then they might get their way with him. I almost have him, Blue! He was here the other night! And had sushi with me! And he doesn’t like sushi!”

That makes me chuckle. Gosh, I don’t know what to do. I think leaving the house might do me good and I actually feel like going out but I want to go out with my real friends not with these rich kids. I bite my bottom lip.

Harry: Hey, rich girl

Harry: Don’t play hard to get

Harry: Tell me

Harry: Am I worth your precious time or not?

He has to be kidding me. I hate it when people call me that. It’s not my fault my family is wealthy but I’m not just that. I don’t want to be any of that.

Harry: You’re so boring, Indie…

“The girls said someone from your hospital was invited too. Guido Matteoti’s older brother…” Coco adds. “I think his name is Marco. They’re obviously Italian.”

“Mario.” I look up from my phone to her and her eyebrows raise on her forehead.

“Mario, yeah, that’s the one. Do you know him? He’s hot, they say.”

“He went out with Olivia a few times.” I tell her.

“He did?” Her eyes widen in bliss. “Maybe Ollie’s coming then! Did you text her?”

I shake my head. I haven’t texted her since last Saturday but I don’t think she’s going to be there. But maybe she is? She could have been invited anyway. Ollie moves in that high-class circle too… And she bought a Stella McCartney dress a couple days ago… And I want to see her.

“Alright, I’m going but-”

Coco doesn’t let me finish my conditions as she wraps her thin arms around me and squeezes me.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re leaving if they start talking about cars to you or if someone orders a Dom Perignon special edition.”

I chuckle.

“I’m going to have a look through your closet. Don’t really like this shirt, it makes my legs look like two loose pieces of thread.”

I throw my head back and laugh. My clothes are oversized for her but if she likes anything she can take it. I text Harry back before I start getting ready myself.

Indie: I already have plans.

Indie: Sorry.

He’s online but he’s not answering. He types, he deletes it, he types, he deletes it. Honestly I don’t know what he was expecting. He really does think I’m going to drop everything for him whenever he wants me to. I’m not a toy.

I decide on a bodycon dress I’ve already worn hundreds of times before. It’s elegant and for some reason I feel comfortable with it even if it’s far more revealing that the clothes I normally wear. The neckline is low cut for starters but I like it, it flatters my chest. It’s got a tight champagne-grey lining embellished with a geometrical pattern of silver sequins and pearls. I combine it with champagne heels and a champagne clutch bag and leave my wavy hair down.

“Wow” Coco gapes at me and I give her a smile.

“Do you like it?”

“You do know you look like a goddess right? Man, I wish I had your curves.”

“I wish I had your legs.”

“You mean these needles?” She pouts.

I stare at her. She looks so gorgeous and so elegant on that dress. In the end she chose a bodycon dress with a low v neckline with a pattern of horizontal stripes with fringes, and sequins and pearls. The colours remind me of those of a majestic peacock with back and turquoise and indigo blue. The dress flatters her to perfection and her long, straight dark hair falls on her back making her look like some sort of aboriginal princess.

“You look incredible, Coco.”

“Your boobs look huge too!” She compliments? I guess.

I laugh and push her away from my room and towards the door. We’re taking a cab to the party and the taxi driver is already waiting outside.

Elvis Buchanan’s house is ridiculously huge. The kind of huge that could only be explained if you live together with another fourteen people. I don’t understand why anyone would need a house this big. It’s just plain silly.

Coco and I walk along the path that leads from the opened metal fence of the entrance to the house and I notice the tasteful tiny white stones that decorate the green grass. They look like hail.

A guy from the Buchanan’s service opens the door for us and I do a quick scan of the crowd hoping to find Olivia. It doesn’t matter how many people there are in a room, you can always spot Olivia. That’s how gorgeous she is. But I don’t see her.

Coco lets me know where Chicco is and to my surprise I see him talking to some other guys, not surrounded by slender rich girls like I had imagined him, so I take Coco’s coat and tell her I’ll leave it wherever it is we’re supposed to leave it for her. The longer I can be away from the party the better. I decide on asking the guy who opened the door for us where I should leave the coats but I get a call from a Marie.

“Hi, lovey.” I greet her.

“Hi, Indie-pixie, how are you?”

“I’m good, thank you, and you?”

I want to ask her about Olivia. Whether she knows if she’s going to be here or not. I also want to ask her why in the world she’s not at all angry after what she did to Mario. Especially considering how judgy Marie can be; her words, not mine.

“I’m good too. You didn’t check the group that’s why I’m calling. Listen, Jason invited us all to have dinner at his house and then we can go out for a drink or maybe go to 505.”

Us all? I frown.

“I’m not stepping a foot in that house.”

“Come on, Indie, David is not even going to be there.”

“Oh, is he on a satanic spiritual retreat?”

“Indie…”

I sigh.

“I already have plans, Marie.”

“Oh.” I can hear the surprise on her voice. “Are you with Harry?”

“No, I’m with Coco. I went with her to this birthday party. You know, family friends’ stuff.”

“Oh.” That surprises her even more. “But you hate those things.” She chuckles.

“Yeah, but Coco doesn’t.” Plus, I thought Olivia would be here but I guess she’s having dinner at Jason’s now. “Anyway, I gotta go. I need to find out where to keep our coats.”

“Okay, have fun, honey.”

“You too. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I keep my phone on my purse and ask the guy that opened the door for us. He says there’s a cloakroom service. My face must speak for me because he chuckles along before I shake my head and disappear down the hall.

There is a freaking cloakroom service! I can’t believe this. Luckily, there’s no one waiting so I’m going to participate in this pathetic situation as little as possible. The girl gives me a polite smile as I hand over our coats but she doesn’t even take them as another guy jumps in and hands in his.

“Keep this one, please.”

She goes attend him and completely ignores me.

“Hey! It’s my turn!”

“Miss” The girl from the cloakroom tries to stop me but when the guy faces me I just raise my eyebrows.

His dark brown eyes set on me and his frown relaxes into a smile. His hair is dark and up in a casual quiff and his skin is tanned. He’s got a beautiful smile but he was still rude.

“That’s okay, Elisabeth.” He tells the girls. “Keep her coat in and then you can keep this one.”

“Okay, sir.”

Sir? He’s like a boy!

“Just so you know, if I get in trouble for this, it’d be your fault.” He points a finger at me giving me another smile.

“What do I care?”

I tilt my neck and stare back at the girl and I see her eyes widening. My rude attitude is probably freaking her out. It’s not usual for girls from my status to talk like that, especially to someone they don’t even know, but who cares? This guy came in here thinking he owns the place and trying to jump the queue and now he thinks he can win me over with that white teeth smile. The girl hands me a red silk ribbon with a number on and I keep it on my purse. The brunette offers me his hand and I look at it and then at him.

“What’s your name, beautiful?”

“What’s yours?”

I see the girl opening her eyes even wider from the corner of my eyes. She reminds me of Marie, with her judgy faces and her polite words.

“Heard that, Elisabeth?” He’s still grinning at me. “You’d think your guests would know your name at your birthday party.”

Elvis Buchanan. I should have guessed. He did not walk in here as if he owned the place, he does own the place. Well, all the more reason to consider him rude, jumping the queue over your own guest.

“You came here with someone?” I nod at his question. “And your date didn’t even take care of your coat.” He purses his lips disapprovingly.

“I can take care of my own coat.”

He grins, he liked my answer. He amuses me so I give him a smile before I walk away. He reminds me of Harry.

“You didn’t tell me your name.” He calls me out.

“Indigo.” It’s his birthday after all and this is his house, I can’t be that rude. “Anderson.”

“You’re Coco’s sister?”

I nod and he nods slower, readjusting his black suit jacket before he walks past me.  

“I gotta go now but I hope we can talk some more later. Just walk straight up to me, yeah? I gotta feeling people won’t get off my back tonight, since it’s my birthday and all that shit.”

I smile and nod. It seems like I’m gonna like this guy after all. He’s at least interesting and that’s a lot more than I can say for the vast majority of them.

“Oh, miss, you’re lucky you’re pretty.” The girl from the cloakroom giggles. “I was honestly suffering for you. I thought he was going to kick you out.”

“Is he that bad?” I ask her.

“Aren’t they all?” She rolls her eyes.

I throw my head back and laugh and her eyes widen again when she realizes, after all, I am one of them.

“Sorry.”

I dismiss her and silently pray for her to keep her job. I bet it sucks though because I’m sure every guy tries to hit on her. She’s pretty too and rich guys have a tendency to think they can have anything they want, more so if the girl they’re hitting on is not high class. They’re trash but that we all know.

I make my way inside the insanely huge living room and have a look around to see if I can spot Coco. She’s laughing at Chicco’s terrible jokes. I can’t hear them but I bet they suck. I try to get away from the dance floor before one of those guy who are uninvitedly throwing dirty glances at me thinks it’s safe to approach me and instead I make my way towards the bar. I’ll get a drink before I have to dodge familiar faces in my search for Mario. I mean, Coco said he’ll be here and if I have to spend the night waiting for Chicco to actually kiss her, I might as well do it with someone I like. I didn’t know Mario moved in this circle either so finding out about it might be interesting.

My phone vibrates on my purse though so I get it out before I order. I frown when I see Jason’s name. I should pick up but I’m still hurt by what he said the other night to me and I don’t want to do this over the phone. If this is about me not going to his stupid dinner, he has to understand I won’t go to that house. I keep my phone on my purse. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. When the waitress looks at me, I open my mouth to order but she places a drink in front of me. I frown.

“Bulldog and Fever Tree Mediterranean, right?”

“Yes but how did you-”

She smiles and points at the other end of the bar and I can’t believe my eyes. Harry’s smile goes beyond his cheerful mesmerising green eyes and I could fall on my knees.

I grip my drink and don’t take my eyes off him- I couldn’t if I wanted to- as he makes his way towards me. Everything around him disappears to me for he drinks all of my attention. He’s without a doubt the most handsome, sexy and magnetic man in this room, and in every other. He looks so dreamy, like some sort of eye candy in a light pink shirt and a dark grey suit that makes him look like some sort of illusion.

I’m completely spellbound and it’s almost hard to stand on my feet. I feel my blood running fiercely through my veins and my heart beating wildly and I just saw him. This reaction is not normal and I know that, this has never happened to me, but I can’t control it.

From this distance, there’s nothing I don’t like about him. The way he looks, the way he walks, the way he smiles, the way he’s looking at me; even the way he lifts my chin with two fingers and closes my gaping mouth. How embarrassing.

“It’s a good thing I got you a drink, right? Bet your mouth is dry already.”

I roll my eyes. You see from this distance, I can hear him talk, so there are some things I don’t like about him. He chuckles though.

“So this was your plan” He guesses. I don’t answer but he keeps on with his monologue. “You must be at ease here, right? With all these posh rich kids…”

I don’t mean to but my face says what my words don’t because I feel my eyebrows cocking and he grins wider. He’s annoying me but for some reason he’s doing it on purpose.

“If that’s what you think then what are you doing here?”

“I was invited.” He shrugs.

“What an upgrade” I smile bitchily like these girls do “a nobody from Bellamond in a posh rich kids’ party…”

His jaw clenches. He only likes these games when he’s the one playing them. Well, I don’t like it when he calls me posh rich kid either so fuck him and his feelings. A tall brunette man swats Harry’s back before his brown eyes set on me. He roams my body up and down nastily and makes me uncomfortable.

“Styles, who’s this beauty here?” He grins at me.

“No one.”  

His words hurt me but I won’t show it. No one? Is that what I am to him? His friend laughs.

“I’m William Buchanan.”

Another Buchanan. Man, I’m gonna meet the whole family.

“She’s Barbie’s brunette’s friend and we were just leaving.” Harry answer for me and pushes me away but I pull away from his hold and give him a death glare.

“I’m Indigo.” I shake his hand.

“Wow” Willian Buchanan smiles “so your name is as pretty as your face.”

I want to roll my eyes so bad at him but I keep it together. Harry’s standing next to me and he’s nervous. I like it. I’ve never seen him act like this before and he was just a jerk so he deserves it.

“I’ve never seen you around here before, are you-”

“Hey” The little brother joins the party and Harry tenses up next to me. “Do you know my brother?” His brown eyes bore into mine and I think I can sense some warning.

I look at Harry but he’s looking away and then my eyes set back on the Buchanan brothers.

“No.” I frown.

“Better that way.”

“Elvis, what the hell?”

“Just go away, Will, please. Leave my guests alone.”

I stand flabbergasted at their interaction and Harry stands next to me tensed like a block of ice. Elvis waits for his brother to disappear before he gives me a gentle smile.

“I’m sorry about that, my brother is not a good guy.” He wrinkles his nose. “If I were you, I’d dodge him.”

“That’s not a nice thing to say about a sibling.”

He nods his head.

“Exactly, just imagine how terrible he must be for me to warn you. See you around?”

“See you around.”

Before he leaves, I stop him placing my hand on his bicep and he looks at my hand before he looks at me.

“Thank you.”

He gives me a smile before he finally walks away. When he does, I turn so I’m facing Harry and find him frowning.

“Do you know the Buchanans?” He asks me.

“No, do you?”

He shakes his head and surprises me as he places his hand gently on my waist.

“Would you like to go outside with me?”

I would love to but before I can answer, Mario, another two guys and two girls reach us. I greet Mario with a hug and he introduces me to his brother, Guido, and the two girls, Savannah and Anastasia. Harry’s let go from me and I don’t fail to notice the way Savannah looks at him and then at me. I almost smirk to myself.

It's clear she was hoping to sleep with him and I wonder if she would have gotten it if I wasn’t here. She’s breath-taking and I gotta the feeling that Harry’s rather easy, not just with me. I almost laugh when she tries to wrap a slim arm around Harry’s waist and he discreetly dodges her contact.

They invite me to sit with them. Apparently Harry was already with them before he went to the bar to get a drink and found me. I steal a look at Harry from the corner of my eye. I guess he was going to order water or some soft drink but I take it these people might not even know he doesn’t drink at all.

We sit down on some couches and this time Harry seems to wait for me to sit down and then he sits next to me. He rests his hands on the back of the couch behind me so even though he’s not touching me at all, it kind of looks as if we were together.

I learn Mario’s family owns hotels and he tells me how his brother and he have to endure these torturous fancy parties so their parents keep their contacts. I already liked Mario but after knowing he comes from the same circle I do and that he also doesn’t care about this, I like him even more.

Like last time I had a drink with him, we click and talk about anything and everything and it takes him almost an hour to ask me about Ollie.

“I just don’t know what to do.” He shrugs. “I thought we had fun and she told me she did and it sounded sincere to me but… Now she doesn’t pick up my calls and it takes her days to answer my texts…”

And you’re still trying? I suck my lips inside my mouth. I need to tell him. He’s such a good guy, he doesn’t deserve what Olivia’s doing to him.

“Listen, Olivia’s just… A free bird, you know?” But she’s my friend and friends’ have each other’s back. “She’s not the type of girl to settle down.” I shrug. “It’s not about you.”

“Oh.”

He gives me a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. I think he had gotten there on his own.

“I’m just so inclined to fall in love, you know?” He chuckles. “It’s always the same story.”

His words surprise me. I thought girls were the ones inclined to fall in love and the fact that he’s saying that only makes me want to protect him more. He must sense the surprise on my face because he laughs.

“What? You weren’t expecting that?”

Harry straightens his back next to me and I wait for his smart comment.

“Guys fall in love too, you know, Indie?” There it is.

I give him a look and my eyes meet his amused ones. He’s clearly messing with me but I’d much rather have this Harry than the one calling me a posh rich kid. I roll my eyes at him and look back at Mario. He’s smiling.

“I just thought that was more typical of girls.”

“That’s incredibly sexist.” Harry complains and I swat his arm and he laughs along with Mario.

“I mean I’ve only had a girlfriend but it was the same with her really. It was like way faster for me than it was for her, you know? But still she got there.”

No, don’t keep your hopes up with Olivia! She’s gonna break your heart, Mario, she’s gonna break your heart. I try to push my thought away giving him a smile. I feel the alcohol on my system already and I notice I’m a little woozy because Harry’s scent and warmth is pulling me under his spell even more than usual. All of a sudden I want him to wrap his arm around my shoulders so this Savannah girl would stop stealing glances at him.

Coco waves her hand at me and gives me a cheerful smile before he has a look at Chicco and when she realizes he’s preoccupied ordering the drinks she gives me a thumbs up. I chuckle at her antics. I can tell she’s tipsy already. From the corner of my eye, I see Guido unconsciously smiling as his eyes fix on her.

I wonder if they’ve met. I don’t understand why Coco is so obsessed with Chicco when she could easily have a guy like Guido, sweet and polite and funny. And then I realize, I’ve actually been having fun in this stupid fancy party.

Turning my body on the couch, I face Harry and he gives me a confused look. He’s been so quiet, only adding hater comment every once in a while and he hasn’t even tried to touch me. I make sure he can see my exposed legs and chest and my belly tightens when his eyes drop to my breasts. I don’t normally like it when a guy stares at my chest, hence why I don’t normally wear low cut necklines, but for some reason it drives me wild that he does it. I guess, even after all the times he’s told me he thinks I’m beautiful and after having sex with him multiple times, it still thrills me that he actually does find me attractive. And he looks so good tonight… I bite my bottom lip. I want to have him so bad.

“Are you not having fun?” I ask him and tilt my chest in order to give him a full view.

His eyes drop to my breasts again. I love this.

“In this stupid party?” He frowns. “It’s not really my thing.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Well I got stood up this evening.”

His beautiful green eyes stare into mine firmly and his calm contrast my longing. I’m not sure he’s talking about me. My lips part as I bore my eyes into his, trying to read him. I hope he is talking about me because the thought that he might be talking about someone else, a real date he had tonight that stood him up, and that he only texted me after that left a sour feeling on the pit of my stomach that I don’t like. He seems to sense my discomfort and for the first time tonight he grants me his contact. His fingers caress my temple before he tacks a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I’m happy you’re here.” He promises. “Even though I would never bring you here.”

Bring me here. When did he become mushy? I think about our date, our single date. After that, he got what he wanted and he has never asked to take me out ever since.

“Where would you take me?”

“My bed.” He smirks.

Of course. Where else? Sex is everything he wants from me. I feel suddenly embarrassed so I look away from him. I spot Coco on the dance floor and my desperation to feel Harry’s touch gets the better of me.

“Would you like to dance?” With me?

He just shakes his head but his green eyes don’t leave mine. I can’t believe I just had him on my mouth a couple days ago and now he doesn’t even want to dance with me. I wonder if he just wants to be left alone with endless-legs-Savannah. I don’t want to blush so I look away from him and back to the dance floor. There seems to be several people between Coco and Chicco so it might be safe to check on my sister. That way I can leave Harry and Miss Universe alone too. Before I stand up, I turn my body away from his and I think I feel his fingers skim my low back but I’m already standing.

“I don’t dance, baby.”

I shrug, feigning I don’t care.

“That’s fine.”

I hand him my purse and silently leave him as the guardian and make my way towards the dance floor without saying another word. I don’t even have to draw Coco’s attention because she turns around as if on cue and as soon as she sees me we both start dancing like nobody is watching. Dua Lipa’s Don’t Start Now fills our ears as we both let her voice move our bodies.

I think it’s the first time I actually have fun at one of these parties and it has nothing to do with Harry for he’s been off all night. It would have been a lot more fun if Ollie had been there too. Also if Jason and Marie were here dancing with us. Jason’s so funny when he dances to this song… I wonder if they’re having as much fun as I am. I hope so, even though it still makes me a little jealous. I wish things were different, I wish everything was normal between us, like it used to be… It hurts to be apart from them more than I let out.

When my eyes look back up, they meet Elvis’ amused ones. He grins at me and takes my smile as an invitation to come closer. Coco’s eyes and mouth widen right behind him as he stands in front of me and I try to ignore her as best as I can but I am feeling all giddy. I’m drunker than I thought.

“Damn.” He’s got a beautiful smile.

I roll my eyes but smile back.

“You’re a good dancer, Indigo.” He compliments. “Don’t stop because of me.”

Fearlessly I start swaying my hips and my chest again at Dua Lipa’s rhythm and see the way his eyes roam my body. I would much rather have Harry looking at me like that but after his rejection, Elvis’ attention is boosting my confidence. After all, he’s the birthday boy and very handsome, I take it half the girls here would want him to give them the attention he’s giving me. He tilts his neck as he watches me.

“But dance with me, birthday boy.”

He laughs but obliges and I try not to laugh. I don’t know why but most guys’ dance moves are funny to me. I mean when they try to act all manly and stuff, it’s just funny. I guess that part of me is happy Harry declined my dancing request.

“You can laugh.” Elvis tells me grinning. “I know I’m a funny dancer but that’s just ‘cause my body doesn’t stop me.”

He then starts doing the most weird dance move I’ve ever seen, acting like some sort of snake, and I throw my head back and laugh but he doesn’t seem to mind because he keeps it up, showing me some more ridiculous dance moves. I start imitating him and he laughs too and like that we start some sort of ridiculous dance competition.

“I take it this is your birthday gift.” He tells me.

My eyes widen. Oh, God, we didn’t bring a birthday gift. He laughs and points a finger at me. It’s the second time he’s pointed a finger at me tonight.

“I’m kidding, woman.” He laughs. “You should have seen your face!”

I swat his chest but he grips my wrist and turns me around so my back is against his front. We’re not touching and I appreciate his respect. The only man I want to touch me is sitting on the couch. Wait, no, he’s not. I panic and stop, looking for him around the huge living room. Again, another uncalled-for reaction but I’m getting used to them.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Elvis’ hand rests on my shoulder.

“Elvis” I need to stop him now before he gets his hopes up, I can’t go around criticizing Olivia and then acting like her. “You are really nice and really handsome but” the good thing is he’s smiling “I didn’t come here for you. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even know it was your birthday.”

He frowns but is still grinning so I take it he’s just confused.

“You’re with that guy who was with you earlier.”

“I mean” My head starts shaking uncontrollably “we’re not like together-together but, uh, I just don’t know where he is and… I’d like to go find him.” I smile at him, hoping that would excuse me.

He’s still grinning. I don’t get this guy. No one has ever taken a rejection so nicely.

“Okay, well, just to be clear, since you’re not together-together” he mimics me “I think you are really pretty and funny and I was hitting on you, I’m not gonna play it down. I appreciate that you told me that and” he offers me his hand and I shake it amused “it’s been a pleasure not flirting with you.” He grins. “Now-”

“Hey, Indie, what are you doing?” Harry cuts him off as rudely as he can go.

I almost feel embarrassed on his behalf but Elvis’ grin only widens. He offers him his hand for Harry to shake and he does just that. I don’t think I’ve ever been more uncomfortable than right now.

“This is him, right?”

Harry looks at me and then back at Elvis and I just look straight ahead. If I don’t make eye contact with any of them, they might think I’m not here.

“Sorry, man.” Harry’s words surprise me.

When I look at him, he’s tilting his neck and raising his eyebrows and his lips are pursed as if he was actually sorry for Elvis. Elvis, on the other hand, just looks amused like a little boy who heard a good joke. I wonder how old he’s turning. He looks way younger than Harry and even myself.

“It was nice meeting you, Indigo.” Elvis bows his head with a charming smile and then he just turns around and leaves.

I face Harry, ready to scold him for his childish possessive behaviour but he just hands me my purse and gets me confused.

“Here” he says “don’t leave me on charge of these things, I’m not used to it, almost forget it on the couch.”

I get the purse and don’t look at him. It bothers me that he’s been ignoring me, that he didn’t even want to dance with me, and when he sees me having fun with another guy he just appears claiming me like I was his pet and it bothers me even more because I know he sleeps with other girls but he doesn’t want me to do the same? Who the hell does he think he is?

“Are you okay?”

Well, no. I feel like some… convenient girl. I don’t want him to read me so I keep my eyes fixed to his expensive shoes.

“Why did you do that?”

I dare to look him in the eyes and the emotion in them takes me by surprise. Once again, I can’t read him. Warm hands cups my face until our lips touch. It’s timid at first and in that moment I don’t care who’s around, who could see, whether this is inappropriate or not. I embrace his closeness and let my lips move against his. He places one hand on my low back and closes the gap between us until there’s not enough space for air. It’s just clothes and longing as his tongue slides over mine in a delicious, slow caress. If he wasn’t holding my waist, I’m afraid my knees would have failed me and I’d be on the floor now.

“Why did it take you so long to even touch me?” I complain against his lips.

I feel him smile against my lips.

“I tried touching you before and you dodged me.”

“You didn’t want to dance with me.” I whine pulling away so I can look into his eyes.

“I didn’t want to dance.” He clarifies. “But you are driving me crazy with this fucking dress.”

He tacks a strand of hair behind my ear and pulls me into another kiss with his hand on my cheek. My hands find his hair too and I tangle my fingers and pull from some soft locks on the back of his neck. He’s disassembling me and I feel like I can’t trust my legs.

“Harry…” I all but gasp against his lips.

“No.”

I pull away and stare confused into his eyes.

“Call me like you do.”

“Love?”

“What?”

“Let’s get out of here.”

He nods before he pecks my lips again. I have one last look at Coco but the way people around us are looking at me intimidates me. Family friends look at me disapprovingly and I try to have their stares slip down my body but for some reason it affects me. I say my goodbye to Coco and after she reassures me that she’ll be fine, Harry and I make our way to the cloakroom.

As we wait for our coats, I can’t help my mind from entertaining the thoughts that those judgemental stares have put inside. I could easily think those girls were just jealous. After all, the most handsome man in the whole party was kissing me and not them and in front of everyone at that but deep down I know I feel embarrassed because I can’t help but feel somewhat dirty.

This is stupid, I thought I could easily do this but now I can’t push those thoughts away and it angers me because it’s sexist and I don’t want to be but- I wish my mind could just shut down.

“Baby,” Harry places his hand on my shoulder “it doesn’t matter what they think… You’re better than all of these people together.”

His words touch me. I bore my eyes into his green, sincere ones.

“Do you really think that?”

“Of course.”

His words calm me only partially because they also mean he also noticed the way those people stare at us so it’s not just in my head. I don’t know why this is affecting me like that.

“I’m…” He stutters as the cloakroom girl gives us our coats.

I told her to keep Coco’s and give her my sister’s full name and she nods. Harry already has his coat on and is frowning when I turn around. He waits for me to put on my coat with his hands on his pockets and then the two of us make our way outside in sudden silence. I’m about to ask him what’s wrong when he speaks.

“Do you regret it?”

He takes me off guard so I stop on my tracks.

“What?”

“Us.” His green eyes study me.

Do I? I guess part of me does. The part of me that doesn’t want to be seen as an easy girl, enchanted by an older guy’s charms, and the part of me who refused to have a pink stethoscope like the one my father got me because I thought it would only make it harder to be respected in the hospital. I know a woman shouldn’t be judged by those things but I also know we are and until that changes, we gotta do what we gotta do.

There’s another part of me that regrets the way I feel about him, the part of me that’s attached to Dylan beyond life and love themselves.

But the bigger part of me… I’m learning a lot from Harry. Not just about sex, but also about men and about me. I had never dreamt I could enjoy sex like I do with him or that I could feel the way I feel when he kisses me or when I touch him, even when I see him. I guess I just thought I was never going to feel that… Happy, again, after Dylan passed.

He makes me laugh too, even though he has a weird sense of humour, but I like that he shows me that part of him too. And he not only bears me but seems to enjoy my company, even seeks it; and that’s saying a lot, all things consider. I know I’m difficult. So I think… If I went back to that first dinner with him, knowing all I know now, I wouldn’t change it.

“No.”

He sighs and knowing he’s been holding his breath only makes me not-regret it more.

“It took you really long to answer.”

“It was a hard question.” I defend. “What about you? Do you regret it?”

“No.”

He doesn’t even think about it. We get on his car and he doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride. Neither do I. I don’t want to think about his question either, nor about his answer, but I wonder if it would have been different had he thought harder about it. I gave him a proper answer. It’s true it took me longer but that only means it’s true for I consider everything but he always seems to be this impulsive and I’m afraid that’s how he does everything, without thinking.

I need to push these thoughts away from my mind. He could have gone home with any other girl tonight and still he chose me and I could have gone home with Elvis Buchanan but… I didn’t want to. And that’s what scares me the most.

When we get to his apartment, he doesn’t push me against the door like he’s done other times and instead just waits for me to get inside before he locks the door after us. Maybe he’s doing all the thinking now, maybe he’s reconsidering everything and he’s about to tell me that he does regret it and that it’s best if we just stay friends. I place my coat on his dresses and only then I realize I’ve made it to his room. Where’s this familiarity coming from? Intruding into his room without his invitation… When I turn around to apologize for my intrusion, he pushes me into the wall and his hands grab the back of my thighs and squeeze my flesh. I moan at his contact.

“This fucking dress, baby…”

He pushes his hips against mine and I pathetically whine when I feel his arousal against my belly. I can’t believe just the sight of me got him this hard. I wish I knew what he’s been thinking and picturing in his mind.

“You are such a beautiful woman, Indie.” He presses his lips against mine almost violently and I suck his breath inside my mouth as his tongue licks my mouth. “When I saw you dancing with that guy, I thought maybe I wouldn’t be the one to have you and… I would have danced.”

“I want you so bad.”

I bring him closer to me pulling from the collar of lapels of his jacket and press our lips together hungrily and we both lap at each other’s mouth in a very heated, very passionate make out session that has me embarrassingly wet. I can’t wait for him to thrust inside me.

He seems to sense my desperation because in a second, he’s getting a condom out of his wallet and I surprise him by unbuttoning his suit pants. I hear him hiss as I pull his pants and his boxers down his thighs and then my hands slid across the soft fabric of his shirt and snake under the collar of his suit jacket, pulling it down his arms until it hits the floor. I bite his bottom lip and suck into my mouth and his groan makes my pussy throb.

His hand caresses my thigh up until he gets to the elastic of my pantyhose and pulls them down. We hear them rip in the process and he chuckles against my mouth as he apologizes but I can’t say anything because my breath gets caught on my throat when his fingers snake around the elastic of my underwear and he pulls them down my legs. I try to help him but loose my balance so I cling onto his arms whilst I pull them down my legs clumsily and he laughs. He kisses my neck and squeezes my hips with his hands before he lifts me up against the wall and my legs curl up around his waist.

When my head hits the wall, I pull from my dress to try to take it off or at least pull it down my breasts but Harry stops me.

“Leave it on” he breathes on my ear “I want to fuck you on this dress… It’s so sexy, baby… And you’re mine, fuck… I want to fuck you so bad… You’re so beautiful.”

Holding my weight with his hands on my hips, he lifts me higher and then sinks me down until he’s inside me. My back rests against the wall as Harry rises and lowers my body while he thrust his hips with more desperation and passion than ever.

“Are you” he gasps as his hips crashed me into the wall “do you like it like this?”

His words come out of his mouth in fits and starts while he fucks me and holds me tight so I don’t fall.

“Yes.” I moan, I love it when he fucks me against the wall.

This is so intense and the way he sounds and his firm grip on my body… I’m going to cum embarrassingly soon.

“Kiss me, baby.”

I love it when he asks me to kiss him. It makes me feel so powerful and wanted and I love that he loves kissing me as I do him. I lick his bottom lip slowly, I know it drives him crazy, and he parts his lips for me so I dive my tongue inside. I pull from his hair and try my best to kiss him whilst he pulls in and out of me faster and harder. He’s drilling me against the world fast but our kiss is slow and intimate and I bite on his lips whenever he hits the spot that has my eyes rolling to the back of my head.

“I don’t get tired of fucking you, Indie… Fuck… You feel so good.”

“Oh, God.”

I gasp and moan, I don’t know what else to do to let out some of the pression he’s building inside my belly that’s getting more and more intense with each thrust. He groans and his guttural, animalistic sounds are driving me wild. I scream and even hit my head against the wall. I’m going to come but I know he’s almost there too, I can feel how tense he is.

Like a firework, the electric current starts at my belly but spreads fast down my legs and arms and I fight for air as I feel a gush coming out of me. He curses under his breath and kisses me.

“Calm down, baby.”

I try to do as he tells me but I keep lowly moaning against his mouth as my walls clench frantically when he tenses up and burst inside the condom. He’s gasping and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so out of breath so he rests his forehead against mine and catches his breath before he rises me higher and rolls out of me, gently placing me on the floor.

I watch him rolling out the condom before he makes a knot and lets it fall to the floor. He’s such a pig sometimes. We then stare into each other’s eyes and he undoes me with his dimply smile. We’re still catching our breaths when we kiss, calming one another with sweet wet pampers.

“Seriously you look stunning tonight.” He compliments.

I chuckle.

“What a low cut neckline can do to you.”

HARRY’S POV

She chuckles staring straight into my eyes and I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest. How can she still look as pretty as she did when I first saw her tonight? I mean I don’t know a lot about makeup but I’ve noticed most girls after partying, drinking and dancing like she did tonight, not to mention fucking like I just fucked her, look like panda bears but Indie doesn’t. She still looks like a fucking goddess.

Her hazel eyes look into mine as her soft hands unbutton my shirt. She’s a little drunk, not too much so that she doesn’t know what she’s doing but drunk enough to have less inhibitions and I love that she’s acting this free and wild and fucking sexy around me. I’m the luckiest bastard in the world.

It's funny to me that she thinks my infatuation with her is about her neckline. I mean, sure, it got me breathless when I saw her tonight because she doesn’t usually dress like this and man, she looks like some sort of sex goddess; but it’s just so much more than that. It’s the way she walks, the way she bites her bottom lip, the way she calls me off…

After she unbuttons my shirt, her warm hands caress my exposed chest and she takes my shirt down my arms until it joins my jacket. Her eyes roam my chest before she smiles and takes the air out of my lungs.

“Naked Harry is my favourite Harry, you know?”

Fuck... She’s so naughty tonight. I feel her nails sinking down the skin of my shoulders before she scratches my chest and watches the pink mark she’s leaving with lustful eyes.

“Next time, don’t take so long before you kiss me.”

She pouts and it seems to have a direct line with my cock, especially when her plump bottom lip sticks out. I want to bite it and suck it into my mouth and lick it until we’re both out of breath. This girl is going to drive me crazy. I don’t know what she wants from me.

“Why didn’t you kiss me?”

Her hazel eyes widen and my cock twitches again. She looks so innocent and pure… But I know she’s a dirty girl… My dirty girl. She shrugs and looks down at my chest. Her fingertips caress the skin over my collarbone.

“I’m always afraid you’re gonna pull away.”

I frown at that. The gin she had tonight is taking away her filter and maybe I shouldn’t but I’m going to take advantage of it. It’s not every day she talks to me this clear.

“Hey” I lift her chin with my fingers and make her look at me “I love it when you kiss me, I won’t pull away.”

“Not even if we’re in public?”

“Baby, you’re the one who’s not into PDA.” I smile at her.

She’s just saying that because she’s drunk but I know she won’t think the same tomorrow when she’s sober.

“Okay” she smirks “and don’t claim me like I was your dog.”

Yeah, I know that was uncalled for. I don’t know what had gotten into me.

“You’re so bossy tonight.”

“Alcohol makes me fearless.” She smiles.

I feel her fingers sliding down my chest to my abs and lean down to kiss her again, holding her hands and bringing them back to my chest again. She challenges my attempt at keeping this a family show as her hands caress the end of my belly. She brings her mouth to my cheek but instead of giving me a kiss, her mouth moves to my ear.

“And horny.” She whispers.

Fucking hell. I groan when she squeezes me in her warm, soft hand and she presses a kiss on my jaw.

“Fuck me again, Harry.”

“So bossy…” I grin.

“It’s not always gonna be you in charge.” Her hand starts pumping me as the other one snakes around my neck and pulls my mouth to her perfect one. “At least let me do something for you.” She nibbles on my earlobe. She’s crazy if she thinks for one second I don’t want to fuck her again. “You’re dying for it, come on.”

Of course I am. I’m dying for her to touch me or kiss me or even just look at me all the time. I give in and kiss her hungrily. Sometimes I feel guilty for the things I wanna do to her and for the things I do to her but not these times. Right now I want to ruin her, fuck her so hard that her silhouette lingers on my bed when she’s gone.

She grabs my wrist and places my hand on her breast and it drives me crazy to know she wants me to touch her. She moans on my mouth when I squeeze her tit on my hand and makes my cock twitch. I’m crazy for her.

Without breaking the kiss, she turns around and starts walking backwards and I follow her suit like the sucker I am for her. When my bed hits the back of her knees, she pulls away from me and turns to the side, pulling the hem of her dress away from her skin under her armpit and unzipping it before she pulls the thin straps over her shoulders down her arms and gets naked in front of me.

I run her body with my eyes up and down and she smiles. She’s growing more confident on her own skin and I love it. I can tell she’s a lot more comfortable when she’s naked around me now. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be. She’s perfect.

Her soft hand caress my chest as they make their way up and rest onto my shoulders as she pulls me closer to her and sits me down on the bed. She leans in and straddles me and her mouth licks and nibbles and sucks on my neck as she grinds her hips on mine, pressing her body against mine. Fuck…

I can feel how wet she is against my pubis and my dick is throbbing for her. I hold her hips and make a mental attempt to stop her movements but my muscles don’t do anything to stop her.

“Baby” I gasp “if you keep that up I’m gonna cum before we get started.”

Her lips leave my skin and I feel the air cooler when it hits the wet spot she was pampering. Her face is inches away from mine.

“And what do you want to do, love?”

Fuck, she’s driving me crazy. Usually it’s me asking her but I didn’t know it was going to be so sexy for her to do it. And when she calls me love… Something stirs inside me.

“Do you want to fuck or do you want me to suck-”

I cut her words short with a kiss. I want her, no, I need her. I push my tongue inside her mouth and taste the sour taste of the gin he had. It’s delicious combined with her otherwise sweet taste.

I try to lift her so I can grab a condom but her hips trap me under her as she kisses me harder. Shit.

“Condom” I manage to gasp against her lips “Need a condom, baby.”

She complains against my mouth and I feel her soft tongue shutting me up again. I grab her ass and the movement of her hips speed up. I can’t take it any longer so I just rise her up firmly and place her bottom on the bed and turn around to get a condom from the bedside table.

“I kind of wish we didn’t have to use them.”

My cock twitches as she whispers that behind me and I tilt my neck so my eyes set on her. She’s resting her weight on her elbows impatiently waiting for me. She looks away before she speaks next.

“But I don’t want you to give me an STD.”

I turn back around and get the condom before I start overthinking her words. I think if I had some blood reaching my brain I would read her confession differently but all I can think about is that he wants to have me bare just as much as I want to feel her without the barrier. It’s irrational because it’s not like the condom bothers me much but it’s just knowing we couldn’t get any closer then that’s driving me crazy for her.

I crawl up her body, spread her legs open with my knee and line myself up with her but she grips my biceps and stops me.

“No, I want to do it.”

Her hands push my chest away from her and they keep pushing until my back hits the mattress and she straddles me. She moans whilst she sinks down on me and the sound all but ties a knot on my heart. She circles her hips, rising and lowering them above me slowly, torturing me as I watch her and try my best not to cum yet. She’s overwhelming me, her scent, her sounds… And when she sinks her nails down my abs, I almost loose control. I hold her by her waist and turn us over, pinning her against the mattress and hovering over her.

“What-” She looks confused.

“I couldn’t take it anymore.”

I grunt when she grins.  

“I’m gonna go rough, baby.” I give her a sneak peak, thrusting inside her fast and hard so her body bounces on the bed and she gasps through her smile. She wants this too. “You can tell me to stop anytime.” I reassure her.

“Just fuck me hard, love, like you know I like it.”

I enter her fast and rough, pressing my weight on her and squeezing her flesh on my hungry hands. I love having her like this. She doesn’t know the struggle on not getting a hard on whenever she acts all innocent and shit around other people because I know how dirty she really is but that’s something only I know.

She sucks her lips inside her mouth as she moans and I know it’s her way of helping herself from screaming but I want to hear her. I slip my hand to the inner side of her thigh and pull her leg over my shoulder and we both moan at the new angle.

“Don’t shut your mouth, love.” I warn her. “I want to hear you.”

She obliges and lets a loud moan out and I could burst.

“It won’t…” She stutters. I love doing this to her. “I won’t…”

I chuckle at her fight for words and she grants me a delicious smile.

“It won’t just be you hearing me if I” I push inside her “Oh, Harry…”

“Let my neighbours know” I push inside her again and watch her breasts bounce “let them know what I’m doing to you.”

I lean in to kiss her neck but I can’t barely close my mouth around her skin without getting dizzy. It’s hard to breathe when she’s wrapped around me like this.

“God, Harry.” Her hand pulls from my hair and I grunt against her skin. “I’m so close, love, I’m gonna cum.”

She tenses up underneath me and her skin covers in goose bumps. Lifting her hips from the mattress, she presses them further against me as her walls clench so she’s impossibly tight. I hide my face on the crook of her neck as I fill the condom and my hips keep sloppily thrusting inside her accompanying us down our highs.

I rest my head against the hot skin of her flushed chest and feel her collarbone against my temple every time he breathes in. I hold her hips as I pull out and her throat complains at the emptiness.

INDIE’S POV

I don’t know when I fell asleep but when I wake up is still night-time. I’m alone in Harry’s room and the cold drops a heavy paralyzing blanket over my naked body. I rub my hands against my arms but they’re cold too so they do nothing to warm me up.

Wrapping Harry’s quilt around my body, I get out of his bed and walk towards his living room. I can’t help but wonder where he is at. I need heat, possibly his, but if not I’m gonna need the heaviest duvet he has. I’m not normally cold in his house but because he’s a human heater.

Harry’s sitting on one of the high stools in the kitchen and the light from his laptop screen hits his face and illuminates his frown.  He wears his cosy sweatpants I love so much and a long sleeves cotton t-shirt. I envy his warmth. It takes him almost a minute to notice my presence.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m cold.”

His green eyes set back on the screen of his laptop.

“There are blankets on the storage bed.”

If I was already cold, now I’m freezing. I feel like he just took my heart and squeezed it on his hand. How can he be so harsh? Especially after what we did before I fell asleep. I embrace myself and turn around before he can see the effect his cold attitude has in me.

It's like he knew everything I was thinking before we got here and then threw it at my face. Yes, I am a convenient girl for him; yes, I am the easy shag; yes, I am a canned vagina with legs to him. I almost want to call Ollie and tell her she’s right and call Jason and tell him it happened that he got tired of me and then call Marie and told her I should have listened from the beginning.

I realize everyone in my life has been trying to warn me and still here I find myself like some free prostitute he doesn’t even want to sleep with. I mean who works in the A.M on a saturday morning? Am I so terrible he doesn’t even want to lie down next to me?

I need to get out of here and go look for my dignity because I must have lost it somewhere on the way here. I don’t want to cry because of him and I won’t. As I look for my underwear, Harry walks in and holds my arm as he walks me to the bed. He gets us both under the covers and spoons me, intertwining his legs with mine and hugging me tight.

“What are you doing?”

“You said you were cold.”

“And you told me to get a blanket.”

I’m glad he can’t see my face but my voice is trembling and betraying me.

“I’m sorry, I’m a jerk.” Yes, he is. “But can I hold you?”

“Why?”

“Because I like it.”

He has to be kidding me. I don’t understand a thing. I’m not cold anymore, the mixture of the internal heat from the anger and the embarrassment and now his warm skin heats me up until I’m hot. The temperature changes as his mood.

I’m not one to ask many questions but I think his constant back and forth might drive me insane. I pull away from him and lie on my back. I don’t know where to look at.

“Baby-”

“Don’t call me that.” I cut him.

He wheezes and lies down on his belly but his eyes are set on me. This reminds me of when he cried a few nights ago and I feel my heart wrinkling again.

“Tell me how you feel.”

I finally tilt my neck so I can look him in the eyes. Either he’s kidding me or he’s bipolar, there’s no other option. Oh my God, he’s serious. Are we doing this? Talking about our feelings in the A.M.

“How do you think I feel?”

“You thought I was very cold, didn’t you?”

I nod ad look back at the ceiling. I don’t want to do this with him.

“And you didn’t like how that made you feel.” I don’t say anything. “Well, you’re an ice floe, Indie. Constantly.”

I turn on my side again and give him my back hoping he understands I don’t want to talk to him. I won’t cry. I’m an ice floe, after all.

I know that, it’s true. I know I’m cold and difficult and obnoxious but the fact that he out of all people said that feels like a slap on the face. I remember what I once promised and stay quiet. Quiet is better than mean.

Yet warmth fills my insides again when his chest presses against my back. He tucks me under the blanket better before his arm wraps around my waist and pulls me to him and one of his legs wrap over mine too. I feel his hot breath reaching my neck through the gaps between my locks of hair and my eyes finally closed. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about anything at all. He brings my body to his and I cover the arm that hugs my belly with mine and feel him finally relax behind me.

“I really am sorry.” He whispers.

I don’t let him know but I’m sorry too.

[my-fanfic-library]

Hello lovely!! Would you mind doing headcanons for Professor!Claes x reader? Maybe he teaches history or something like that and you both have a nice lil affair going on after a while. I saw your tags on that one gif set and now that's all I can think about 👀

This is gonna be the only ask I answer today but holy shit I haven’t stopped thinking about this in like 24 hours

K so

Claes is most definitely a history lecturer

I don’t know why but I imagine his entire class to be similar to Indiana Jones’

Just a bunch of girls looking at him like the heart eyes emoji

Anywho, Claes is like the coolest lecturer in the world

He’s really laid back and he likes to take the piss out of people

He also handles a lot of seminar groups as well

Which is how you meet

He saw you in the first lecture and was kinda like “wow cute” but obviously nothing could happen

But when you come to his seminar group

And start bombarding him with question after question and disproving the content he had taught you so far,

L o v e

And obviously you are totally in love with him too

This tall, handsome man teaching your favourite subject, with the loveliest accent in the world

You stay after the seminar to talk to him

And he’s blown away by how much you actually know

“I’m looking forward to teaching you, Miss [Last], I think we’re going to get into a few heated moments if you keep attempting to disprove my work.”

You thought he meant arguments

He did not

You always make sure to ask a question if he invites the class to, because it makes things less awkward

And you always have a question or two at the end of the lecture

He can’t believe he’s got this golden student

And he uses you as an example all the time

“Why can’t you guys be as enthusiastic as [First]?”

Stuff like that

It kinda becomes obvious to both yourself and everyone else that Professor Bang has quite a soft spot for you

Some girls, despite being in their early 20s give you nasty looks

You respond by sitting next to Claes in your seminar the next day

And doing no work and getting into no trouble for it

Instead you talk about Denmark

Because you’re curious about his home country

It is this seminar

During the middle of your first year

That Claes just falls head over heels for you

But it’s

F O R B I D D E N

Which makes it all the sweeter

Later that year, about two weeks before the exam, you show up at his office just as he’s about to leave

“What’s the matter?”

Immediately you just burst into tears and he has no clue what to do

So he does what he thinks best

He pulls you into him and you just stand there sobbing into him for like a solid five minutes unable to make a coherent sentence in your sudden outburst

When you’re calming down, he brings you into his office and sits you down and is all “ok so what the fuck is going on?”

You explain that you’re just too overwhelmed with everything and that you don’t feel ready for the exam

So he offers one to one tutoring up until the exam (so for two weeks, you’d visit him after class and you’d sit for like an hour and go through everything you didn’t get)

Turns out you knew a lot more than what you thought

The more time that Claes spends with you, the more he wants.

So. Much. Tension.

Because you want it, and so does he, but you’re both oblivious and thinking about how wrong it is

So nothing happens except for a few gazes, a few lingering touches

He’s actually pretty gutted the day of the exam when he realises you won’t be coming back for some secret time with him

He spends his entire summer thinking about you

Wondering if you’ll make it into his class

When he finds out you are, booyyyyy is so happy

He doesn’t know why but on the first day of classes, he finds himself dressing up a bit. Styling his hair, throwing on his glasses, a soft scarf, leaving the first two buttons of his shirt undone

He doesn’t even know if he’ll see you today but fuck

And he does

Your complexion is glowing after so many months in the sun and the heat

Your hair grew out a bit

You look angelic

He finds himself unable to concentrate and keeps fumbling over his words for the whole lecture

Because you decided to sit at the front and

He keeps looking at you

And your eyes never leave him

Because he looks so good?

You couldn’t remember when he looked so fucking delicious

After the lecture, he asks you to stay and wait for a moment and the room clears out

He doesn’t know why he’s doing this but

“Did you have a good summer?”

“Yeah, I guess. We went to Majorca for four weeks and-“

“I missed you.”

“Oh, that’s... Professor Bang-“

“It’s Claes.”

You literally have 0 clue how to answer that

Your mind is spinning

He missed you?

He wants you to call him by his first name?

Your heart is doing leaps and bounds by this point

He’s looking at you differently, licking his lips

And then they’re on yours

It’s hungry - it’s different

Your hands are in his hair, on his neck, you’re leaping into his arms, wrapping your legs around him and he’s driving you into the desk

The next day, you keep looking at that spot, where someone’s notebook is

You’re smirking, trying not to laugh because that poor person is writing right on the spot where you fucked your professor last night

Claes keeps looking at you and you know by his eyes that he wants you to stay after class

It ends and everyone leaves and the second the door shuts, you’re in his arms again

It’s a frenzy

Clothes off, and this time he’s got you arched over the desk, hands gripping into the chair behind it, ramming into you from behind.

And that is how it started

School nights, weekends, you’d find each other one way or another and you couldn’t get your hands off of each other

Post-sex cuddles

Where you just talk

He usually runs his hands through your hair, with the fondest smile on his face

It starts to get hard when other guys start to get interested in you

Because you can’t exactly tell anyone that you’re with someone - you’d get thrown out and Claes would lose his job

So, you have to play

You have to flirt back

Claes loses it

The sex gets rougher

The hickeys grow darker and bigger

One time, he got so frustrated that he sat you on the podium after a lecture and ate you out

He finds himself realising that he doesn’t just want to fuck you - he’s actually fallen in love with you

And you’re fairly sure that you’re in love with him

That summer, he whisks you off to Denmark

Best trip of your life???

He loves teaching you all the history of his home country, taking you everywhere he possibly can

Car sex

Sex on the beach

And even in a hidden corner of a museum

It’s like the honeymoon phase doesn’t end

And then the worst thing happens

One of your classmates is in Copenhagen for their own little trip

They see you with Claes in a cafe, kissing his cheek, holding his hand

They immediately report it (literally out of spite because who tf wouldn’t want to date Claes, come on, and they were high key jealous)

And when uni starts up again, a huge inquiry is undergoing

Both you and Claes are pretty much interrogated - they check your phones, they see if you have each other on social media, they check your emails, trying to find a n y t h i n g

And you agree afterwards that this can’t go on

It’s too risky to visit him outside of the university

And so it all has to stop

You’re a wreck

Because being with Claes was the happiest you had been in so long

You start dating someone new

And Claes almost quits

Your final year drags

Because you have to sit there

Looking at him

Being so close to him

But feeling the eyes of the other lecturer sent to sit in and watch and make sure no funny business was happening

One night, you go out and get just a little tipsy and find yourself at his home, throwing rocks at his bedroom window

He comes out and tells you to leave as much as it pains him to do so

You tell him you feel like dropping out, of you can’t have him then nothing matters

And he brings you inside

You don’t get any sleep, he fucks you over and over until your body is numb and your brain is nothing but a swirling mess of him

He ignores you after that

You find yourself transferred out of his classes and instead, you’re placed into professor Wells’ classes

You’re livid with him

How could he move you out of his classes after everything you’ve been through together?

You purposefully have him find you in public spaces with your new partner, a little closer than what would be accepted

He’s going stir crazy. He can’t stop thinking about the last night you spent together and how badly he needs to be with you again even if it costs him a job

Your graduation is suddenly upon you and it’s so bittersweet

You have finally gotten what you worked so hard for, but you will most likely never see Claes again now

Wrong

As you’re making your way off vampire for the last time, clutching your diploma, laughing with your friends, a voice calls your name

You turn, and he’s pushing past people to get to you

He reaches you and he has this dumb smile on his face, and then he says the stupidest yet most romantic thing

“Technically you’re not my student”

And he kisses you

In front of all of your friends, family, all of your former classmates, other teachers, everyone

He doesn’t even care

His hands are holding your face, pulling you close and you have to go on your tiptoes, in your damn heels, just to be able to wrap your arms around his neck

He promptly gets fired

But he doesn’t care because he’s waking up the next morning with you sleeping beside him and he feels like he’s won at life

[glittergelpenstudies]

How to survive uni if you have social anxiety

So something I never quite realised until ~2 years ago is just how limiting a mental illness is until you have to fend for yourself (or rather, you don't quite realise that you do have a mental illness until your life is noticeably limited by it, and even then you might not take it seriously or blame yourself for suddenly not functioning like you used to). Anyway, for me, this realisation came when I started uni. All of a sudden I had to run my own errands, go places on my own, and most importantly, go to school in a whole new setting where I knew no one. Let's just say I didn't adjust very well that first year...

However, looking back I now realise all the mistakes I made that lead to my social anxiety controlling my life. Hence, I have compiled a few advice for people in a similar situation:

Seek. Help. So this may sound obvious to some of you, but it sure wasn't to me, mostly because I tended to downplay my own anxiety, thinking I was just lazy and unmotivated and that that was the reason why I stopped going to school and going outside altogether. For me, it started with ditching class more and more frequently. Instead I'd just show up for seminars and other similar events that could gain me bonus points for exams. Then I stopped going to those, because the thought of being in a room with other people became too much. Instead I'd just go to labs and other mandatory events... ...aaand then those went as well. Still, I just blamed myself and just thought I wasn't committed enough, so my girlfriend eventually ended up having to tell me to seek help. It may seem like I'm just rambling telling you all of this, but if you recognise this pattern, it may be relevant to at least speak to a counselor, or even better, a psychologist. With a diagnosis, things just start to fall into place and it's a big first step towards getting your life back together as well as receiving advice for how to cope with anxiety in the future.

Always go to class (even if it makes you want to cry). There is no better way to shoot yourself in the foot in uni than to stop going to class - Not only are you missing out on a valuable learning opportunity, but you're also isolating yourself from people who potentially could be your friends. You don't have to sit on the front row, talk to people, and ask questions the first day, mind you, but just showing up is sooo important, even if you're sitting alone in the back. It's exposing yourself to your fears that makes them go away over time!

Emails are a lifesaver. I don't know about you, but I'm personally terrible with asking the professor questions irl. If you are like me, my tip is to email them instead. They are always happy to answer your questions, because it shows that you are interested in the course they're teaching, and an email feels more anonymous since the professor can't see your face. I know some teachers are quite terrible with responding to emails. In that case, I advice you to ask the question to another teacher, if possible, or to ask your question after the lecture has ended when people are starting to leave the lecture hall.

(Slowly) familiarise yourself with your campus area. For me, nothing makes me quite as anxious as being in a crowded place and not knowing where I'm going, so my advice is to know your surroundings. There might be an app that you can download that offers a map over the campus area and the different lecture halls. If there is, download it! Find a few specific, calm places to eat your lunch every day (I'm saying a few so you have options in case your first choice is crowded) so you don't have to cause a panic attack looking for somewhere to sit. Have a calm study space where you can sit in peace when you have an hour free between lectures. You don't have to find these places all at once. Take it one day at a time, but I still find it to be so important to know your campus, even if it takes time.

It's fine to do things at your own pace! You don't have to go to parties the first few weeks of the semester if you don't want to. It's completely fine to say no to things you don't feel comfortable doing, but also remember to take risks and do stuff that you wouldn't want to miss out on which still make you anxious (for me, this was joining a DnD group in my first semester at the pharmacy programme). Don't push yourself to go to every single social gathering because you're afraid of being left out. Do what makes you happy and take baby steps. You will make friends eventually.

People care about you. This may be surprising to some of you, but you👏deserve👏to👏have👏friends👏 What always prevented me from making friends when I had just started uni was that I just assumed nobody liked me or cared about me. I just thought I was a burden to everyone around me and therefore avoided and ignored anyone who showed any interest in befriending me. Don't do this, kids. You are valuable and interesting. If someone shows interest in hanging out with you, trust that they do it because they like you. It might cause a lot of anxiety to hang out with people outside of lectures. That's fine, but don't let it stop you. You'll get over that threshold eventually, and soon you'll realise that you're actually having fun.

These were the most relevant advice I could come up with. Feel free to add to this list if you wish ☺️

[leovaldez]

University asks! 1, 2, 4, 10, 14, 34, 41, 50!

1. How far along are you in your studies

Just graduated last year! I’m taking courses as a non-degree student along with GRE and MCAT prep courses to keep busy before applying to post-grad :)

2. How far do you plan on pursuing academia?

It depends on whether I’m getting into med school or not. My current plan is to apply to both med school and PhD in clinical psych

4. What do you study?

I double majored in neuroscience and psych and did a minor in German

10. What surprised you the most about university?

Tbh I didn’t really imagine my life in uni before entering university, so I didn’t have too many surprises or expectations. I guess what surprised me most is just how much the profs can influence your experience in a course, both in a good and bad way

14. What is your favourite professor like?

I liked the majority of my professors, or at the very least felt neutral about them. My favourite professor was probably in the neuroscience department. She taught a small fourth year seminar course on a topic I was already super interested in (neurodevelopmental disorders) and she was soooo passionate about the topic, full blown enthusiasm is important I think. Apart from that, she was organized, and fair, if you studied you did well, and if you didn’t you’d fail, which made me feel like I earned whatever I got in the end.

34. Do you care about your grades?

YES. Both of the post-grad options I’m interested in are competitive as hell. To be fair, I gave no shits in my second year and my grades suffered, then in 3rd and 4th I picked myself up and studied my ass off. I’m still worried every day if it’s going to be enough when there are candidates out there that have 4.0 cGPA. Luckily in Canada most post-grad programs care about the last two years, so hopefully I should have a good chance of getting in to those. For med school I’m mainly looking out of the country because it’s wayyyy too competitive here.

41. What is an interesting subject you would never study yourself?

Prob history of psychology

50. Strangest university tip you have?

I have two, I’m not sure how strange they are (I tend to be very boring lol) but very important in choosing and succeeding in university I think. First, make sure you fit the vibe of the university. My university is hella competitive and nobody really cares about you and because it’s big it can be difficult to make friends, but they have a ton of opportunities, especially in research, and some of the best profs out there. I have friends who really suffered because their personalities didn’t match their uni and it caused them to under-perform and not enjoy the university experience. Second is get involved. I give a huge amount of credit to adding a lot of extra-curricular activities, volunteering in labs and hospitals and working to doing well in my later years. Not only you get to meet people who could be your friends, or who might help you, but you get less of a chance to slack off and you feel more accomplished. If nothing else you have something to write in your resume when you’re out.

[collegecoward]

Hello, I went to uni for two years before dropping out due to a lack of interest in my field of study and a dislike for the way my school taught their classes. It's always been the plan to go back, and I'm desperate to get back at this point because I miss it. I do really want to go back, but now that it's getting closer to actually needing to make a decision, I'm getting nervous that I'll choose the wrong major and uni and end up wanting to drop out again. Any advice?

I am so sorry this answer is coming late, and I’d love to hear where you’re at with this now!!

“…lack of interest in my field of study and a dislike for the way my school taught their classes.”

I wonder what you mean by “the way my school taught their classes.” Was this a professor thing, a departmental thing, a part of the field you were in? Are you looking for more seminars and less lecture halls? (If so, majors that enroll less students and/or smaller colleges can help!)

I recommend researching prospective universities and their programs to the best of your ability. Contact professors, ask for class syllabuses, take tours, ask students who go to that school (and ideally have the same major as you) what it’s like to go there.

“It’s always been the plan to go back, and I’m desperate to get back at this point because I miss it.”  

If you didn’t like your studies, what are you desperate to get back to? What is it that you want out of college? 

Short self-reflection guide linked here. 

A guide to exploring different majors at my alma mater. (This isn’t me telling you to go to UIC, it’s just a nice guide!)

“I’m getting nervous that I’ll choose the wrong major and uni and end up wanting to drop out again.”

At a certain point, wondering what is the Best Decision can cause you to make, well, less-than-good decisions. It’s good to take enough time to think through important decisions, but at some point, you have to choose a major. Ideally, your major will help lead you to your career path, but one major can lead to so many different career paths, and so many people work, and are happy to work, in fields outside their major.

As one of my mentors often says, “Perfect is the enemy of good.” Think of it as choosing a major, not THE major, and you may find that choosing a fulfilling subject to study for a couple of years is easier than it looks. After you make these decisions, you will continue to make good decisions that won’t be, and won’t need to be, and can’t be, perfect.

[monstroushellbride]

hey!! do u go to hollins uni in va?? i saw u in the tag and i just wanted to ask if u have any advice for incoming freshman! i’m moving in this saturday and i’m super excited but also honestly kinda stressed cause like. College yknow so any words of wisdom would be highly appreciated

hey there!!! yes, i do go to hollins! i'm a sophomore this year and i've definitely got some advice i wish people had told me when i was a first year. i would say firstly, if you're moving into randolph or any dorm except tinker, do yourself a favor and get a nice strong fan. the only dorm with a/c is tinker, which i'll definitely miss this year lol.

also, don't be afraid to make friends outside of your first year seminar! i loved my fys and the students in my fys, but my best friends are people who lived on my hall last year or people who know them. making friends at hollins was fairly easy for me, especially once i realized i didn't need to only stay in my fys group!

take advantage of opportunities hollins offers but don't push yourself too hard to do everything. hollins is a school of busy people, so don't feel pressured to be in sga or join a club unless that's what you really want to do. first year is scary no matter where you go and it's perfectly okay to just try and settle in before getting busy. personally, i'm more ready to do things now that i'm a sophomore.

if you're a social person, finding friends who get off campus is always good. i like how small hollins is, but we call it a bubble for a reason. i'm someone who goes stir crazy if i'm on campus too long because it feels like being cooped up inside. i won't encourage first years to go to parties, but there are parties at hollins and at virginia tech. i also won't share my experience at parties lol since again, i'm not about to encourage y'all.

also, take advantage of knowing your professors! professors at hollins will know you well because of how small classes are. i regularly stop and talk to professors or instructors in hallways or out and about. they know me by name and they always ask how i'm doing and how classes are going. additionally, they're very willing to offer advice and help.

mostly, and this goes for all first years, it's okay to feel lost and confused. it's okay to be scared and nervous. don't be afraid to ask for help or to admit you're having a tough time. last year, i had a hard time admitting i needed more help than i was getting and it wasn't until my creative writing professor realized and talked to me about it that my semester started getting better. for instance, if you're struggling with papers, just ask. ask your professor what you can do, go to tutoring, or even ask other students for help. when you're a first year, the world is genuinely your oyster. you have the ability to explore different classes and do different things-- so take that film class if it really interests you. college is tough, but it's not a beast you have to conquer on your own. plenty of people have succeeded in college and you will too. i'm always here to offer advice and there are others on campus willing to do the same.

feel free to message me if you have more questions!

xo, lizzy

[studyingatyork]

Realistic things to consider before applying to university 🎓

When I was applying to unis, between navigating the bewildering labyrinth of UCAS and trying to actually get my A Levels, I remember reading a lot of Student Room posts and BuzzFeed articles with titles along the lines of “Things To Consider Before Applying to University”.

These articles were helpful, of course - to an extent. But they were all full of the same, broad points and questions: Do you want to move away from home? Are you going to live on campus? Would you prefer to live in a bigger or smaller city? How important is nightlife - are you able to cope with the local clubs playing slightly outdated music; will you wither away if you’re not able to see live bands every week?

Those kind of questions are, undoubtedly, important. They’re the big questions. But, because they’re the big questions, those are the questions that every single relative has already asked you upon hearing that you’re planning to go to uni. You already know your answers to those questions; you’ve answered them so many times you could probably recite them in your sleep. And there are a lot of other things that I haven’t seen mentioned nearly as many times in online circles - things that I wish I’d been advised to consider, before I sent off my UCAS applications.

So here’s my list of realistic things to consider before applying to university…

Is the train fare home from your Chosen Uni going to bankrupt you?

Picture this: it’s Autumn Term of your first year of university. You have settled into your halls of accommodation, embarrassed yourself a few times in front of your flatmates, and only skipped half of your lectures. Although things were scary to begin with, you really think you’re beginning to find your feet. You’ve located the nearest Morrison’s and done your first food shop; you phoned your mum to tell her, and after you put the phone down, she might have wept a little with pride.

It’s Reading Week. You think: wouldn’t it be nice to go home for a few days? All of your flatmates are planning to do so. You open up your Trainline app, intending to book tickets - and the blood drains from your face. No, you think, when you see the price. No, that can’t be right - £96 for a return home? Even with your railcard?

Don’t end up in that situation. Obviously, it’s not advisable to chose a uni solely based on travel time, distance and expense. If you’re desperate to go to a certain uni but it’s an hour or two further away than a more convenient uni that you’re not really keen on, then that extra travel time is a sacrifice that’s well worth making, in the long run. But there’s a degree to which you also have to consider practicality. How are you planning to move your possessions? Will your parents be able to drive there and back in a day? Are they willing to do so? You have to follow your heart, but 5+ hour train journeys will really start to grate on you, after a few terms.

What does your Chosen Uni’s mental healthcare system look like?

There’s no shame in taking care of your mental health. It’s wise to find out in advance what kind of mental health support is offered by your prospective universities. If you have a pre-existing mental health condition, you can apply for Disabled Student’s Allowance (DSA) as part of your UCAS application. This will enable you to access certain kinds of support: extra exam time, extended coursework deadlines, certain apps and computer extensions to help you in your studies, and regular mentoring (pretty similar to counselling, in my experience), if you need these.

You also might want to ask around on the grapevine, to find out what your Chosen Uni’s mental health system is actually like, from a student’s perspective. You can have a look on The Student Room, ask current students on open days, or send questions to FaceBook confession pages like Yorfess or Durfess. Obviously, everyone’s mental health experiences are subjective, and you should take advice based on personal anecdotes with a pinch of salt. But your university should provide you with the support that you need to complete your studies, and going to uni should be an enriching experience. Don’t settle for less.

Your Chosen Uni might have a good reputation - but does your Chosen Course?

Departments vary. Unlike in school and college, in a large university, each subject department will run internally, with its own administration system and its own way of doing things. As someone who has studied in two different departments, doing a joint honours degree, I’m qualified to tell you that there can be a big difference in how different departments operate and treat their students.

Some departments are research-based, while others are not. Some departments will send you emails every day, telling you about all the events that are happening, offering you support, and telling you who you can contact if you have a problem. Some departments will build cosy study rooms specifically for students of your course, and will frequently bring free cake into said study rooms. Some departments will not do any of these things.

Again, it’s worth asking around, and checking out where your Chosen Course ranks in comparison to the same course, as offered by other universities. The Complete University Guide and The Guardian both have respected league tables which compare things like student satisfaction, grade prospects and employability, across universities as a whole and across specific courses and departments.

Does your Chosen Course have the right modules for you?

Autumn 2015: I walked into an open day lecture for History in a University That Shall Not Be Named. Almost the first thing that the professor said: “Everything we study is 1600 onwards. If you want to study medieval, this university is not for you.” Me, internally, knowing that I have wanted to study the Dark Ages since I was eleven: “Oh no, do I really have to sit here listening to this talk for another hour and a half?” Looking back now, I’m very glad I did attend that open day lecture, because it helped me to rule out one university, and appreciate the fact that every single university offers a different variety of modules.

Every single course will have a breakdown of the available modules across each year, on the university’s website. You might love the location of a uni, you might have heard great things about it from former students, but when you check out the things you’d actually be studying, the modules might seem dull as dishwater to you. If you know that you really want to study Romantic literature, it’s probably best not to apply to a university that doesn’t offer a Romantic module and strongly specialises in post-colonial writing. This is also the kind of thing that admissions tutors will be looking out for when reviewing your person statement - are you actually interested in the kind of teaching that their uni offers, or are you just filling a slot on a UCAS form? Obviously, it’s good to stay open-minded; don’t write off any modules as “boring” simply because you’re unfamiliar with the topic. University is about learning new things! But if a certain course seems to offer modules in things that you really know you wouldn’t be interested in, that may be an indication that this course isn’t for you.

Admittedly, this is probably more applicable to my BA languages/humanities degree, in which I could pretty much take whatever modules I fancied from second year onwards, than a science-based BSc degree in which you have to cover certain areas in order to progress. But regardless of what course you’re applying for, it’s always worth checking out what that degree will actually entail. One of the best things about studying at uni, after the rigid, grade-oriented control of GCSEs and A Levels, is the freedom that you have in choosing your own modules and tailoring your studies to your actual interests for the first time in your life. Make sure that you’re actually able to do that, at the university of your choice.

Will your Chosen Course’s style of teaching and assessment work for you?

If you’re currently studying for your A Levels, then by now you’ll probably already have a good idea of what kind of study works for you. Another thing indicated by online course specifications is the ratio of coursework vs. exams (and labs, if you’re doing a science subject, but don’t ask me about that; I still don’t know what a “lab” actually is). If you would prefer to never do another exam again after A Levels (I don’t blame you) then maybe a coursework-heavy degree would be best for you. On the other hand, if you’re one of those people that prefers to get the assessment aspect over quickly with closed exams, you’d probably prefer a more exam-based course.

One of the reasons I decided not to apply for Oxford is that my course would have been assessed entirely through one week of exams at the end of third year. The thought of undertaking a course like that was extremely anxiety-inducing for me - what if I just had a bad week? I’ve never regretted my choice to study at York instead, where I accumulated credits gradually over three years, and was able to walk into my final exam with that knowledge that I was already averaging a solid mark.

There’s also the matter of teaching style and contact hours. These can also vary drastically across different universities and degrees. If you prefer to be taught directly by tutors, you may want to choose a course that’s heavy on lectures and seminars. But if you know that you’re capable of organising your free time for reading and studying (not just watching Netflix), you could select a course with lower contact hours, where you might spend several days a week in the library doing assigned work without any teaching.

  These are just a few things to consider when applying for university. It goes without saying that this list is very subjective to my own university experience, and these factors might not matter nearly as much to you as other things like sports opportunities or societies. There are definitely other things to consider that weren’t as important to me. For instance, would you like to study abroad or do a placement year? Also, does the university have a reputation for wildlife on campus that regularly try to kill its students? If you have a severe phobia of geese, it’s probably best that you don’t choose York.

Originally posted 20/01/2018

[melisettastudies]

How I finished my first year of law school with a first - Starting law school advice (pt 1)

Soooo...I’ve been spending the past few days replying to people on all platforms asking for advice on starting Law at university so I thought I’d give my experience and methods on how I finished my first year of university with a First (which like the top grade for people who don’t understand the system). It’s a long post but I’m going to include FAQs and my top tips. (Ps: I’m in my second year of university now)

FAQs:

1) I didn’t study law at A-level, am I at a disadvantage? 

Fun Fact, I actually went to Medical school for a week before deciding it was too much for me, meaning my A-levels were centred around science and medicine. This meant I started Law school having no experience in ‘essay based’ subjects such as Law. I had to completely adapt and adjust my way of learning and from experience was at no disadvantage to my peers who had studied law. If anything, I noticed my teachers preferred it when students have no law knowledge, so they can start Uni level content without needing to dwell on the difference between A-level and Degree level content (obviously, at A-level law wouldn’t be in as much detail as it would be at a Degree level). 

So no, you wouldn’t be at a disadvantage, and no matter what you studied before starting uni, you just need to be able to transfer the skills you picked up during your pre-uni studies to your degree. Plus, many people wouldn’t have studied law at A-level, at least, I haven’t met many anyway.

2) What is the difference between a lecture and a seminar?

This one is pretty easy to explain. A lecture is when there are hundreds of people in a big lecture theatre having the teacher explaining the content and teaching the syllabus. I’m not sure at other unis but at mine, you don’t really get to ask many questions during lectures because they’re not long but this may vary from one university to the other. So generally, a lecture is where you learn the information from a professor. A seminar is much smaller, more like a normal classroom where you will be applying your knowledge; this will be where you are likely to be trying exam questions and problem questions and this is where you get to ask all your questions. 

3) Will I have any time to socialise? 

YESSSSS!!! The legal profession is a veeeeeery social one; you will be attending things like law fairs and events where you will be meeting lawyers, judges and other important people (known as Networking events) where you need to be able to charm them and make them know your name. If you’re looking at becoming a lawyer of any kind, you need connections especially for after graduation, and this means loooooots of networking events, lots of parties and dinners and lots of socialising. Your studies, if managed well, will not hinder you from having a social life with your friends, and you need that aspect to help you with the professional side of things (awesome right?!). Fun Fact: I managed to get work experience from having won over a Barrister at a Networking event; and if they ask for your Linked In at any fairs, you make sure they get your username! That social networking site is a Godsend when you need to learn about someone or want to gather everything about yourself.

4) How do I make notes?

I will be making a whole post about how I personally take notes, but briefly, it is all trial and error until you find what works for you. Some chapters will be a lot more content heavy, others can be summarised in bullet points; it’s all a matter of figuring it out as you go. 

As for whether you type or hand write your notes that’s totally up to you, I do both so I have the information multiple times: First I type full notes (which I sell, meaning if you need motivation, just remember you can make money off your notes that’s enough to motivate me soooo...). Next, I type summaries, then I hand-write the chapter summarised further (which is my favourite part because I can make those pretty notes that you see on here). I do like to also make flashcards, but I tend to do that closer to assessments or between chapters (so I’ll finish Chapter 1 and start Chapter 2, midway, I’ll review my knowledge on Chapter 1 and make pretty flashcards. 

All of this sounds really long, but I promise, as long as you work efficiently, it’s actually manageable plus I do everything as I go along - I will also be making a post on this in more detail soon too :D. 

5) Aside from studies, what else should I do during law school?

Well, the only thing I want to put emphasis on here, is that whilst law school is supposed to be enjoyable, and you are supposed to have some fun, it is important to work hard so that you can find a job after you graduate...

The legal profession is suuuuuuper competitive, it’s not enough to just get a first anymore, you do need to have a CV that stands out from all the rest. My top tips:

Get work experience - apply to things like Pro-Bono, help at the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, shadow lawyers, attend court hearings, etc. Experience is absolutely crucial in the field! 

If you speak another language, GET A QUALIFICATION IN IT! - I know 7 languages, and as such, I have done 3 A-levels in 3 languages and the rest, I did an equivalent qualification through my uni. This is important as you have something of substance to show to employers when you come to apply for a job and mention this skill. It really makes you stand out, even if it’s a single language and it’s SUPER helpful if like me, you want to work internationally. If you don’t know another language, move onto the next bullet point:

If you don’t speak another language, you can learn one OR Pick your strongest skill and capitalise on it! - this means, if you’re good at a sport, join a team and show dedication, these things count when impressing employers, they’ll see you as a team player with discipline and that ALWAYS looks super appealing. It’s super useful if you are able to show why your skill should be appreciated in the career (for example: if your experience/skill is to be an awesome cashier, you can say you’ve dealt with embarrassing situations like a rejected card, which gave you the skill of knowing how to handle these scenarios SO, when you have a customer, and they have something they are ashamed of or uncomfortable to discuss, you know what to do. See? easy peasy.)

So, that’s enough FAQs, now onto my top tips:

PREPARE FOR YOUR LECTURES AND SEMINARS - do NOT be the student that can’t contribute, you will not get enough out of those lessons. 

If there’s consolidation work, DO IT! - it really helps you understand where you’re confused and what you need to work on. 

Don’t study for longer than 30 mins at a time with 5-15 minute breaks - Law requires a lot of reading, which means a lot of eye strain, crouching and very little movement.

Do yoga - as the above bullet point highlights, you need to stretch your limbs, back and neck, otherwise you’ll be in a lot of pain. Also, stretch your wrists, you’ll save yourself a lot of pain.

Exercise - maintaining a healthy lifestyle means you’ll have energy and power to keep going. Even just 15 minutes of active time a day really helps relieve some stress. 

Remember that nobody is perfect, you can’t maintain a constant perfect studious attitude and should never put that sort of pressure on yourself. Balance is everything. (i’ll also be discussing my experience with mental health in my first year at law school and how I dealt with depression and anxiety). 

Drink water - I know, it’s a cliche, but it’s actually important because you’ll be reading so much, you increase the likelihood of a headache if you’re dehydrated, so keep hydrated kids! 

Never, ever feel bad for sharing your successes - if you’re proud of something you’ve achieved share it! just stay humble, and don’t  rub it in people’s faces.

have a diary and carry a notebook with you at all times - track meetings, notes and to do lists to make sure you’re on top of everything. 

Wake up earlier - I wake up at 5am and get some work done, but if you wake up earlier, you have more time to wake up slowly, and not stress yourself from the morning. Take time to do your makeup or hair, take time to meditate or exercise or read, or even do work, but start your day slowly and not rushing around getting things done. 

and finally, please please PLEASE remember to actually make time for yourself, make night time routine where you take time to do a skincare routine or wind-down time or simply lounge around and watch Netflix. If you know you have the time to do this, you’re less likely to procrastinate!

Enjoy law school guys, it’s actually an amazing experience with pretty cool people! 

- Mel x