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starryalpacasstuff · 1 month ago

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Queer Indian Media: A Compilation

A couple of days ago, @impala124 sent @lurkingshan an ask about the lack of discussion about Queer Indian Media in fandom spaces. I wrote about it here, @neuroticbookworm here, and @waitmyturtles here (both of them have excellent points, I highly recommend you read their posts!). It's become quite apparent that people are willing to watch and engage in discourse about queer Indian media, it's just that the lack of popularity and accessibility makes it harder for people to start. So, I've decided to make a list tracking all of the queer Indian media I know of, and hopefully also any meta/discourse about it, which is an idea I've had floating in my head for months now.

This list is by no means comprehensive, so if you have recs, send them my way! Text me on DM, send an ask, tag me in your posts, whatever. And though it's not possible for me to watch everything on the list, I will be slowly going through as many of these as I can and writing about them, as well as hopefully finding more stuff and easier to access versions for the ones that are harder to access right now. This post is going to be a slow work in progress, but I'm hoping to update it regularly. So, if you'd like me to keep you updated, let me know through the tags/replies and I will tag you in future posts!

I've tagged the people who've recommended certain shows alongside each show. Everything on here is available online. The hyperlinked titles lead you to the media itself, meaning that it's available for free online with subtitles. Other details will be mentioned separately.

Disclaimer: The media I have watched/read have recommendation ratings (which will not always reflect my enjoyment of something, rather are based on how much I'd recommend it). While I did lightly screen everything on here, the criteria was 'has a trailer or otherwise showing queerness to be a central theme in the story' and 'is available online', so take that into account if you decide to pick something up, and definitely watch trailers and/or skim the wikipedia pages beforehand.

Movies

Fire | English | @neuroticbookworm

Recommendation: 8.75/10 A 1996 movie surrounding a lesbian couple packed with commentary on religion, class, purity culture and more. Quick Pitch + Historical Context

Kapoor & Sons | Hindi | @neuroticbookworm

Available on Netflix, Prime, and paid on Youtube and Apple TV

Kaathal-The Core | Malayalam | @neuroticbookworm

Officially on Prime, also available grey without subtitles

Super Deluxe | Tamil | @neuroticbookworm

Officially on a paid streaming service called aha, grey on youtube

Dear Dad | Hindi | @neuroticbookworm

Geeli Puchi (Ajeeb Dastaans) | Hindi | @blorbingqls @neuroticbookworm

Available on Netflix

Cobalt Blue @blorbingqls

Officially on Netflix, also available grey without subtitles

Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga | Hindi | @fallsouthwinter @usertoxicyaoi @neuroticbookworm

Available officially on Netflix, so watch there if you can, but can also be found grey in two parts without subtitles

Chitrangada: The Crowning Wish | Bengali | @silverquillsideas @neuroticbookworm

I believe it's available on prime, but you might need to do some digging. Also available grey on youtube without subtitles (the movie is in part Bengali, part English)

Shubh Mangal Zyada Savdhan | Hindi | @silverquillsideas @twig-tea @neuroticbookworm

Officially on Amazon, grey on youtube without subtitles

Maja Ma | Hindi | @flyingrosebeetle @silverquillsideas

Available on Amazon Prime

Badhaai Do | Hindi

Officially on Netflix, available grey without subtitles

Loev | Hindi

Available on youtube with Spanish (I think?) subtitles

Margarita With A Straw | Hindi

I believe this is a cut version, it is officially on Netflix which is likely the uncut version

Recommendation: 9/10

A self-discovery story about an Indian woman named Laila with cerebral palsy with great rep and beautiful execution.

Meta by @wen-kexing-apologist

Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui | Hindi | anon

Available grey without subtitles, officially on Netflix

Amar Prem Ki Prem Kahani | Hindi | @flowerbeasblog @aneechan

Officially on Jio Cinema, also available grey without subtitles

Time Out | Hindi

Available on Netflix

My Brother…Nikhil | Hindi

My Son Is Gay | Tamil

Hindi dub available on youtube without subtitles

Shows

Romil and Jugal | Hindi | @anixknowsnothin

You do need a vpn if you're outside India to watch it with the above link, it's also grey on youtube without subtitles

Recommendation: 8.5/10 India's modern gay remake of Romeo and Juliet, five years before Bad Buddy Random thoughts

The Married Woman | Hindi | @a-not-knowing-bisexual-wizard

Dev DD Season 2 | Hindi

Legitimately no clue whether this and the prev are grey or official

Made in Heaven | Hindi | @flyingrosebeetle @non-beingnary @neuroticbookworm

Available on Prime

All About Section 377, Still About Section 377 | Hindi

The Story Tales S2 | Gujrati

Insomnia | Hindi

It's a streaming service I've never heard of before, not unlike Gaga, this is one of the darker shows on the list so please do check out the trailer beforehand

Amra 2GayTher | Bengali

Available on two streaming services here and here, both paid

Mini gls from @twig-tea (og post here)

Firsts S3 | @tinyreadinglifelight

Neverland

Maaya 2

Last two eps do not have subtitles but the story is followable

The ‘Other’ Love Story @/silverquillsideas

Just Another Love Story

Books

Memory of Light

Recommendation: 5/10 A historical book set during the colonial era, the lesbian romance is mostly a subplot that loses it's way towards the end. It's kind of a drag, but the history component is somewhat interesting.

Don't Let Him Know

Recommendation Rating: 7.5/10 with serious trigger warnings including rape. It's a brutally honest book designed to make the reader uncomfortable, so proceed with caution. I personally liked it quite a lot, but that's majorly because of how authentic the book felt.

Falling Into Place

Recommendation Rating: 8/10 A modern lesbian romance that follows similar beats to the typical thai bl/gl. A little underdeveloped in some places, but overall quite good.

My Magical Palace

Cobalt Blue

The Paths Of Marriage

Marriage Of A Thousand Lies

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capitanooos · 15 days ago

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online friends... and a tutor // kaedehara kazuha x reader (highschool au)

-`♡´- pairing : kaedehara kazuha x reader

-`♡´- summary : when reader gets assigned a tutor to help her with math, some secret identities get revealed

-`♡´- warnings : math | idk nothing

-`♡´- notes : this was written when i was crushing on my now ex ;-; but this was also something people loved on my old blog so repost! i hate math, scored 2.7/10 on my recent exam

dont translate, modify or repost my work. you do not have permission

Ping!

Your face brightened up as you heard your phone go off, you were glad the classroom was already full of noise so the teacher hopefully didn’t notice.

Hey what you up to?

Hiii!! Nothing much, just waitig for class to end tbh, wby?

waiting**

In class AND on your phone? Are you trying to get into detention, my dear?

Not that I should be talking, I’m doing the same.

Yk I can’t just ignore you, that’d be mean

I’d be worse if you got detention again, dummy.

You bit your lip to stop yourself from smiling. It had been what? Six months since you met this stranger online? It didn’t take more than two weeks before you became inseparable. Socials were shared soon enough, though neither of yours showed anything but pretty pictures or fit-checks. You knew he was in the same school year as you, though he was a year older because of an early birthday. But you had no idea where in the world he lived, he was more secretive about that but you did figure out that you were in the same time zone. You didn’t really mind, you liked figuring him out on your own and he didn’t mind that either.

Would be worth it tbh.

Read 14:38 PM

Kadeh? You alright? Don’t tell me they took your phone LMAO

Delivered.

“[Name], busted.” your english teacher stood in front of you, and as he said, you got busted. “I know you’d much rather be texting your boyfriend but c'mon.” he held his hand up, signaling for you to hand your phone to him.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Sure, sweetheart.” he rolled his eyes at you before standing straight again. “This is three times, that means detention. Go to classroom sixteen at four o’clock, I’ll be there.”

You let out a deep breath, of course you got busted, you jinxed it, and now you both lost your phone for the day and got detention.

“Girl, sooner or later he will get bored of you and drop contact.” your friend said, “You know that’s what happens with all online friends.” you looked at her and tried your best not to slap her.

She’s right, you know. One part of you thought, while the other protested. No, she isn’t. Kadeh wouldn’t do that!

You turned your head around and ignored her for the rest of the day.

“Hey teach,” you entered classroom sixteen a bit before four o’clock, walking up to your English teachers’ desk to sign off your name on the detention list. Your eyes scanned the paper for other names.

Childe. Reason: disrespectful behavior. Of course he’d say something stupid.

Itto. Reason: disturbing class even after two warnings. Nothing new

Chongyun. Reason: talking through my lesson with Xingqiu. Of course, the cute freshmen couple.

Xingqiu. Reason: talking through my lesson with Chongyun.

[Name]. Reason: texting during class. Sigh.

Yoimiya. Reason: disturbing class even after two warnings. That rarely happened, she must’ve been excited over something.

Kazuha. Reason: texting during class. Seemed like she wasn't the only one today.

Cyno. Reason: playing cards with Kaveh during class. Tcg obsessed assholes.

Kaveh. Reason: playing cards with Cyno during class.

“Sir, could I have some blank papers? I filled up my notebook during my last class.'' He handed you some and you turned around to find a seat where you’d be sitting for the next hour. You found a spot next to the window behind Yoimiya, who smiled at you. You watched the others come in, Cyno and Kaveh going straight to the back of the room, Childe sat in the row next to Yoimiya and the two started chatting away, Itto moved to the spot right besides the door, Xingqiu and Chongyun were in the front, and finally the last student entered the room. Kazuha, you didn’t share any classes with him, you were in classes one, and he was in two. Meaning you’d never gotten the chance to properly meet over the last few years.

You knew him from walking around in the hallways, standing in line behind him in the cafeteria, small shared smiles and awkward nods as you locked eyes with him during lunch. After he signed off his name he walked to take the seat beside you.

“So I wasn’t the only one caught texting today.” he joked as he sat down, holding out his hand, “Kaedehara Kazuha,”

Seemed like today was the day you finally got introduced to him.

You fell down on your bed with your phone in hand.

Kadeh? You alright? Don’t tell me they took your phone LMAO

Guess what? They did, and detention.

MINE TOO BYE AND THEN TEACH PUT ME IN DETENTION AS WELL

So you WERE trying to get into detention, huh? Pfft I didn’t realize I had made friends with a bad girl.

You just told me you got into detention as well and you’re calling me bad? Your teachers are just as bad as mine, or you’re just as bad as covering your schemes as me.

I promise you, my dear, I am not bad at covering up my secrets.

You must have a lot of them then.

How ‘bout you come find out?

You giggled at his texts, he never failed to make you do so. As you rolled off your bed to grab your homework and laptop you heard your phone buzz a couple of times, and coming back to your bed you checked your messages.

No worries tho, I’m not THAT bad.

I don’t sell drugs or guns or stuff like that

I just get into detention for giving my sweet girl the attention she deserves.

Which is totally worth it except when they take my phone and I CAN'T text you.

Whoops sorry was gettrng my books and laptop

You not respondfing within a minure basically menas your phone got taken, and possibly got detention too. Or you’re passed out on your couch

But I gotta go, well not that i wnat ot but i have math homework that i have to make otheriwse theyll assign me a tuotr and i dont want htha

Fuck ym grammar oml

No need to apologize dummy

But go make your homework, I won’t disappear

“[Name] your test results weren’t great. I see no other choice but to assign you a tutor to help you out ‘till the end of term.” you stared at your math teacher in defeat. You knew you weren’t great at math, but Kadeh had explained the difficult things to you since the guy was amazing at basically everything.

“Is there really no other thing? Something that doesn’t include a tutor.”

“Yes. You paying attention.” he looked back at you before grabbing another paper from his desk. “Let’s see, it says here that Kaedehara Kazuha is available, you good with that?”

That wasn’t the worst person, he was pretty chill to you ever since you met in detention. The awkward nods and smiles now turned into small conversations and hello’s, with still the smiles. “Yeah sure, fine by me.” “Great, just go to the library after your last class and you’ll probably find him there.”

They gave me a fucking tutor.

Turns out my test didn’t go as well as i thought it went.

Ughughughughguhgughugh

Why me.

Read 11:32 PM

As you were about to type your next message your head and later body hit something–someone.

“Ouch!” your hand flew up to your head and the books in your hand fell to the floor, where your phone already was.

“I’m so sorry, please. Are you okay?” you knew that voice and you looked up to meet Kazuha’s eyes. You nodded in return, crouching to gather your books and phone.

“Though my screen protector is less fine,” you laughed as you saw it shattered, your messages with Kadeh gone blurry due to the cracks. “Are you alright?” looking at him he sat down beside you to help you with your books. “I am, no worries. I was just texting my f–someone. Where’d your bag go?” he said, standing up with some of your books in his hands and offering you the other; which you gladly took. “My friend's bag broke, and I just had these few books so I gave her mine. Besides, I got a spare tote in my locker.” you reached out to take the books from him, but he turned around and started walking.

“I’ll walk with you, can’t let a pretty girl carry these heavy books alone now can I?”

You laughed at him while shaking your head, a slight blush coming to your cheeks.

“Did you hear the news already? My math teacher assigned you as my tutor.” quickly changing the subject you walked to your locker as he followed behind like a lost puppy.

“Yes, I saw the email come in. Wanna meet in the library after class?”

You agreed as you opened your locker and placed your books inside. You grabbed the spare tote bag and threw in your economy books and art supplies for your next few classes. “Sounds good, and thank you and sorry.”

He winked and turned around to his next class.

Okayhe isn’t hat bad

Excudr my grammsr my screen protecotr broke cuase i bumpedi nto him and ym stuff fell

No worries, dear.

See, I told you it’d be fine. Now you have someone that can explain it to you one on one, instead of over dms.

Kazuha looked back over his shoulder to see [name] typing away on her phone, and at the same time his phone was exploding.

Yes but youre jsut better yoou know.

I meani dk him yet idk how he ‘teahces’.

What if i dontunderstandh im?

Yk i odnt like telling people i odnt understand.

It’ll be fine, dear. You just go to his lessons, pretend to understand, then afterwards you talk to me about it and I’ll explain some more if needed. Sound good?

Thnak you kadeh ilysm

I love you too, my dear.

A small smile danced over her features and she scrunched up her nose in adoration. No way that his best friend and lowkey crush, which was strange since he’d never seen her face, was this cute girl from school who he was now going to tutor.

Gotta go to my nect class, i htae economy ugh.

Goodluck sweetheart, you can do it!

Oh fuck.

“So mister Kaedeh–” you cut yourself off and giving the blonde before you a suspicious look before continueing, “Kaedehara Kazuha, how you think you’ll be able to make the math math for me?”

“By showing you how to think logically.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled before throwing your bag on the floor. As you sat down you checked your phone to check if you got a message from Kadeh or not, and when you saw none you shut your phone down.

“Let’s get started then.”

Twenty minutes later you were solving equations that gave you headaches before. Now it all seemed to make a lot of sense and with Kazuha’s help you were on a streak. He looked proudly as you moved on to the fifth one with no trouble, you raised your writing arm to your face to inspect the equation on the paper, and before Kazuha could ask if you were alright you were already writing again. Every now and then you’d furrow your brows, pout a little, or bite on your lip as you studied the paper. When you were finished you gave Kazuha the sheet of paper with a smile and he started to correct it, explaining how to do certain things faster for example. Sometimes you’d nod, other times you’d give him a strange look to which he just laughed before explaining.

Safe to say that you walked away from the extra math lesson with a lot more knowledge and confidence, and a new friend.

Okay okay he isnt that bad at explaining. I actually understand it now and i was on a roll, or well he said that.

After he explained soem thigns eh had me make about fifteen questions, after he corrected them and explainedw what i did wrong and how ic an do other thigns differently so itll be faster.

I actually understnasd

I told you it wouldn’t be that bad, dear. I’m proud of you, I know you did great.

Next time im meetng him is enxt week thursday, same time.

We agreed to meet every week same time until end semester cuase thats what teach said.

Yeah, not that bad right? Just once a week cannot hurt. And he doesn’t seem like the worst type of guy.

He isn’t no, he has a calming aura, its nice to be arounf him. Hes prety too ngl

Thugh some people at school spread some odd rumors aboit him

Liek that he sells weed and sht.

Oh well even if eh does idc he expains math like a pro.

Anyways imma head home, no driving and texting. Talk soon!! Loveyou

Drive safe, sweetheart. I love you too.

Kazuha stayed in the library for a while longer. When [name] was leaving she was already typing away on her phone, and mere seconds later his phone started exploding. Reading her texts made him sit in silence for a bit before responding. He was now certain that she was his online best friend. She told him the things he told her and it all just added up. He threw his head back as he looked at the ceiling that was painted to resemble the night sky.

Not before long he saw Heizou and his mob of dark red hair above him.

“What happened? Why are you slouching?”

Kazuha sighed as he sat up.

“I think my best friend may be in this school.”

“Uh yeah, hello, here I am right in front of ya, buddy.”

Kazuha looked at Heizou desperately.

“Oh shit, you mean [online name]? What? How? Why? What?!”

“I tutor this girl, [name]. This morning I bumped into her while I was texting [online name], she was busy on her phone too. I didn’t receive any messages from her when [name] and i bumped into each other, but she was typing. Then I offered to walk her to her locker and carry her books because she lent her own to her friend. She dropped her economy books into her new bag. Later [online name] texted me she had economy class, and that she hated it.” Kazuha started at the wall as he spoke mindlessly.

“Yeah okay… But those can all just be coincidences, you know.”

“Then just now when she was leaving she was typing away on her phone, and seconds later [online name] started messaging me. Then she told me how her tutor told her she was on a roll, I told [name] that! Then she said that there were some rumors about her tutor, that he sells weed. People say I sell weed! I don’t but they say it!”

Heizou just stared at him for ten seconds before his mind came up with a master plan that goes as follows.

The next time [online name] is texting him Heizou will sneak up on [name] and look on her phone, if it’s who she thinks is Kadeh then the mission is a success, and if not then Kazuha’s heart will calm down.

And so the following day Heizou stood behind [name] with another friend of his, just ‘talking’. As Kazuha gave the sign she was typing, Heizou looked over her shoulder to see what she was writing.

Yeah! I genuenly cannot wait for summer either ughhh

Heizou and his friend bolted back to Kazuha when she sent it and he snatched the phone from his hands.

Yeah! I genuenly cannot wait for summer either ughhh

He looked Kazuha dead in the eye before giving him his phone back.

“Go get your girl, loverboy.”

Four weeks had passed since that day. Four weeks, four Thursdays, four tutor lessons. [Name] realized that Kazuha was acting differently lately. She would catch him staring at her during those lessons, or even more often during lunch break. She would always give him her sweetest smile, and he’d return it before breaking eye contact with a small chuckle. Their friends started noticing too, there was some sort of tension with someone in the cafeteria but they couldn’t place who.

It took another week before Kazuha decided to just go for it. He knew [name] was already in the library because her last class had been dismissed early. So when he saw her curled up on one of the couches, his heart melted. His phone vibrating in his pocket let him know she was texting him, some personalized do not disturb setting that let only her messages through.

He grabbed his phone and sent her a quick text, ignoring the things she had said before.

I cant reply rn, I have to tutor someone.

You tutor???@?@!! You never told me

There’s more I haven’t told you.

Like what?

Look up, sweet girl

You looked up in confusion and locked eyes with Kazuha. Your eyes widened and your mouth fell open. Looking back at your phone, then back at Kazuha tears came to your eyes.

“Hello, my dear” he softly smiled as he took a slow step towards you, cupping your cheeks as tears were seconds away from falling. “You’re–” your bottom lip started trembling as you buried your face into his chest, one of his hands coming to hold your head as the other held your back, slowly brushing up and down. “I hate you–but I don’t. You–”

You felt his chest vibrate, letting you know he was laughing. You gripped at his shirt–which you now realized was the shirt you’d seen a thousand times before on his instagram.

“Who knew the sweetest girl in town,” he dropped his head to talk right next to your ear, “was actually my sweet girl?” He felt you trying to bury yourself even deeper into his chest. “No no, sweetheart, you need oxygen.” With that you pulled back, your big eyes staring back at him, a little bloodshot and your cheeks all red. “Not funny,” you whispered, “You don’t wanna know how much I was hoping you were actually living in my town, went to school here and I don’t know. I’d be happy if that were the case unless you were Childe.” tears came back to your eyes. “And what if it was me?” he rested his forehead against yours, looking you directly into your eyes. Blood rushed to your cheeks as you replied.

“Then I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself from falling for you–Kadeh��even harder.”

One moment you were talking and smiling, looking directly into the male's eyes. The next you were processing what was happening as his lips collided with yours.

“Even in real life you seem to have a processing time to what I say or do.” he said when he pulled back.

“Can you blame me? Look at yourself.” Kazuha swore he saw hearts in your eyes before you closed them again and pulled him back to you, lips once again meeting each other.

“No, I can’t. But you, my dear sweet girl, are even more breathtaking than I imagined you’d be.”

“Mister Kaedehara and Miss [name]! Detention!”

-`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´-

dont forget to like and reblog <3

#kazuha #genshin impact #genshin #kazuha genshin #kaedehara kazuha #kazuha x reader #kazuha x you #kaedehara x reader #kaedehara kazuha x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader

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hornyfor-redacted-onmain · 9 months ago

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Late Night Reunions

Pieces of My Heart - Chapter 11 Stray Kids OT8 x reader, Soulmate AU

Masterlist | Next Part

You were feeling proud of yourself.

The words on the screens looked familiar to you now, and you were able to understand enough of the foreign language that you found your way through customs without having to ask for help. You pointedly avoided reading the English translations right below the Korean. It felt like cheating.

The sudden change to online classes had left you with an unexpected amount of free time since you didn’t have to show up to your university physically. It meant that in between classes you could do short Korean lessons, you could watch kdrama’s while you ate, and you had the hour that would normally be spent on public transport to do nothing more than practice. You advanced so quickly that the conversations around you as you walked through the airport made sense, and you actually felt bad for eavesdropping on strangers.

It had only been a month.

The boys had finished their tour a week ago and were now on a short term break in between comebacks. You remembered the tired but satisfied looks on their faces when they finished their last show, the live notification that had popped up on your phone. You watched them spend an hour with Stay, only to get the added benefit of a video call immediately after, while they got ready for bed. They had spent most of the call talking about how much they missed you, wishing you were there for their concert, completely unaware of the plan you had put into motion.

Only Chan had been aware at the moment that you already had your soulmate visa.

When you originally brought up the plan to him, he had mentioned saving the information until you were sure of the time frame, to avoid getting them excited only for the plan to not pan out. It was notoriously difficult to get a soulmate visa, since you needed proof of your soulmate connection, and neither you nor Chan had a physical soulmark. You were worried you would need to talk to someone or argue your case to demonstrate your connection.

But all it took was a written statement from Chris and just like that, you had your soulmate connection officially and legally confirmed. It was almost laughably easy.

You trailed behind a group of people, your suitcase rattling as you dragged it next to you. The crowds around the airport made it hard for you to get a clear look on who you were looking for, so you paused next to a pillar for a second to glance down at your red string in hopes of it guiding you, only to notice that seven of the strings were all focused in the same location, with the eighth one not in front of you.

Hands pressed against your eyes from behind.

“Guess who.”

You laughed. “Chris!”

You abandoned your suitcase and spun around, throwing yourself into the arms of the man behind you. He caught you with a grunt, spinning you around with a laugh when you let out a squeak at the sudden movement. You refused to let go of him, even when your feet touched the ground once again.

“Hi,” You rested your chin against his chest so you could look into his eyes.

He was wearing a mask, but you could see his smile from the curve in his eyes. “Hi.”

“I missed you.”

“Hmm, I missed you too, sweetheart.”

You were tempted to pull down his mask and kiss him right there, but you were still in a public location and Chris was still a famous idol. So instead, you settled for staying in his arms, letting him rock you two back and forth while humming something under his breath.

“Where are the others?”

“Ah, I told them we were having movie night. It was the easiest way to get all of them together without it being suspicious,” He said.

I blinked. “And they weren’t curious about where you were going so late at night?”

“I told them I forgot something at the company building. I think I have maybe 10 minutes before they start to get suspicious.”

“Doesn’t the drive back to your dorm take at least 30 minutes?”

“Guess we’ll have to come up with something.”

Coming up with something apparently meant sending them a text from Chris’s phone that he was going to get snacks, which then turned into actually having to get snacks when Felix asked for some cookies. Chris kept his mask on, slinking around the store aisles as quickly as he could, and you kept your distance just in case he was somehow recognized.

When you got back to the car, he held out your favorite candy towards you. “I remember you mentioning you liked these. You should hide them, otherwise the other’s will get to them first.”

You grabbed the candy gently, giving him a confused look. “What?”

“Oh, do you not like them?” He also shared a confused look.

“No, I love these,” You reassured, looking down at the candy and then back at Chris. “But I mentioned it once … in a text message. Weeks ago.”

“… And?”

“And you remembered that?” You wondered.

“Of course.”

You grabbed his arm as he reached to turn the car back on, pulling him away from the steering wheel and towards you. He let out a noise of surprise, but was quick to react when you pressed your lips against his, hand reaching out to steady you as you practically threw yourself towards him. He let out a chuckle, but you quieted him with another kiss, your eyes welling up with emotions. You heart was pounding so loud in your ears you wondered if he could hear it.

His hand was firm against your waist, thumb rubbing soft circles against your skin. His other hand reached up to pull your hair away from your face, palm cupping your cheek and engulfing you in warmth. You breathed in his essence, the cologne, the smell of his laundry detergent. His tongue tasted like peppermint. Your chest began to ache.

You let out a breathy whine when he pulled away.

“Hey, hey sweetheart. Are you okay?”

The tears in your eyes had slipped down your cheeks, and you immediately reached up to wipe them away. You nodded your head, unsure if you could speak, throat heavy with emotion. Chris stared at you for a second before a soft smile pulled at his lips.

“I missed you too.”

-0-0-

Sneaking you into the dorm was surprisingly easy. Chris had led you to the door, giving you the universal sign for ‘be quite’ with a finger to his lips, and you followed behind him quietly. The layout to the dorm room placed the entrance right in between the common area and the bedrooms, which meant that as Chris headed towards the right, you had the perfect opportunity to sneak to the left. You entered the first door to the right, just like he told you, and put down your suitcase as quietly as you could.

You then peeked your head out of the door, but all you could see was the hallway that led to the living room and kitchen, voices bouncing off the walls. You slowly pulled the door closed, pulling out your phone to wait for Chris to text you. He wanted to surprise the boys, and would let you know when they were all settled.

As you waited, you sent out a message to your parents letting them know you had arrived to the dorms and were with your soulmates again. Your mother responded immediately, telling you how happy she was.

After your realization, the fear of being pushed away and left behind, you had a serious conversation with your parents, but mostly with your mother. Your father was quick to reassure you that you had to live your own life, and that you weren’t leaving them behind since they would still be there for you if you needed them. He also wanted to make sure you weren’t staying away from your soulmates for his benefit, and you both had a good cry when you realized how guilty he had felt thinking he was holding you back.

Your talk with your mom went much about the same way. After shed tears and long hugs, She reassured you that she loved you and would always love you, but she wanted what was best for you. And she wanted you to be happy.

She helped you realize just how much the boys made you happy.

Even now, being so close to your soulmates, your heart was beating hard in your chest and your skin felt alight with excitement. You were minutes away from seeing them again. So close to them, so close to holding them in your arms.

Your phone buzzed in your hands.

Chris Ready? Y/N *thumbs up* Chan Nobody should be looking, come out whenever you want ;)

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notwiredforthisworld · 1 month ago

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Somewhere in 2012, a friend introduced me to a boyband she liked. I had no idea who they were. I hadn’t even turned 10 then, and I didn’t have social media. She played me a few songs, and I remember not getting it at first, and telling her that I didn’t like it. I loved music, but I never really cared too much about getting to know artists, so her obsession didn’t really make sense to me. But for some reason, when I got home that day I searched ‘One Direction’ on youtube. I watched music videos, interviews, fan compilations. I fell down a rabbit hole of fanmade lyric videos until I knew every single word to every single song, in a language that wasn’t even mine. I still say that I learned more english from one direction interviews than I ever did in school. I’m not sure where or why the obsession started. Maybe I just wanted to fit in, to like the thing that all of my friends liked. But somewhere along the line, it became so much more than that. It was their music, playing on a loop in my headphones, that helped me drown out everything wrong around me. One Direction was the reason I fell in love with music, the reason I joined social media, the first fandom I was in. It was the reason there were even others, the reason I met so many people. My best friends.

When One Direction announced a show in my country, in 2014, my friend went to see it, even though it was halfway across the country. I was 12 at the time, and I begged my parents to go. They said no. Their excuse was that I was too young, and neither of them understood a teenage girl’s obsession with a boyband, and if I’m honest with myself, I can now understand they probably couldn’t afford it. So they said no. And they promised me that next time I could go. A year later, I was leaving a music class with that same friend when one direction posted a statement about Zayn leaving. I cried the whole way home. I think that was my first heartbreak. The year after, they split up, even if 13 year old me would yell at everyone who dared mention it that it was a break, not a break up. I changed schools that year. I lost touch with that friend. A lot of things changed, but my playlist didn’t. It never did. 15 year old me started high school in a new place, listening to that same band, with the same posters hanging on the back of my door, just as excited for solo releases as I had been for one direction.

In 2019, when Harry announced a show in my country, that friend was the first person I called. The show was postponed, due to covid, but I remember 17 year old held on to those things like her life depended on it. I think in a way, it did. During lockdown, I got closer to the fandom than I had been in years. I was straight out of high school, I was lonely, and lost, and 18 year old me found in old videos and online communities the same sense of belonging she had found at 10. In 2022, me and my friend saw Harry together. I think a part of my teenage self was healed that day. So the year after, when Louis announced a show in the same place, 20 year old me skipped a uni class to buy tickets. It was the first concert I went to alone, and I sat on the floor of an arena during my favorite song, crying in the arms of a girl I never saw again. I hope she’s okay. That’s still one of my favorite moments. In 2023, Niall announced a tour without a stop in my country. 21 year old me drained her savings to fly to Ireland and see him there. When my mom argued, I told her she didn’t get to complain, because she hadn’t let me go to a show when they were still together, and if there would never be a next time, I would have to see all of them. Whatever it took. Until there was a next time. As I write this, the fact that there will actually never be a next time is hitting me like a brick.

Out of all of them, I probably resonated with Liam’s music the least. Right now, it’s bittersweet to realize I fell out of it, because of that and because of everything that came out after. Right now, 10 year old me is grieving. But so is 12 year old me, waiting up for music video releases. So is 15 year old me, going to high school with four playing on her headphones. So is 18 year old me, watching x factor videos when she got sad during lockdown. So is 22 year old me, coming to terms with the fact that one of the people she looked up to the most is… maybe not that good of a person.

One Direction has been a part of my life for longer that they haven’t been. I don’t remember a single moment, a single age, a single milestone, that they weren’t a part of, in some way.

So right now, I’m thinking of Liam’s family, of his friends, of his child. And I’m thinking of the boys, now men, that changed my life so profoundly, without ever knowing who I was. And on another note, I’m also thinking of Maya, and the women who came forward, and who will definitely feel the weight of this, even if they shouldn’t, even if it’s not on them, because that’s the way the internet works. I know that, because one direction is why I joined it in the first place. And it changed my life. To a degree, it changed my entire view of the world.

It’s a conflicting feeling. Grief usually is. But this type of grief… there’s no guidebook. How do you grieve someone who was never actually in your life? How do you grieve a face on a screen? A voice on a track? And specially, how do you do so while knowing so many things that you just can’t accept? Can’t support? That go against everything that is your beliefs? It hurts. It hurts that he’ll never get the help he so clearly needed. It hurts that the people who have always brought me the most comfort got their hearts broken in a way that was so drastic, so painful, so definitive. It hurts that it’s so definitive. So final. I think that’s the worst part. The little tiny part of me that has spent the last almost 10 years trying to believe it wasn’t final… just got told that it is. And it hurts that it feels like it’s not acceptable to be hurting like this.

I used to think about growing old one day, being in my 50s or 60s and having to read news like this one. But we were supposed to be old. We were supposed to have time. I wasn’t supposed to be 22, grabbing my phone to a text from my friend asking if I’d heard. If I was okay. I’m not.

I can’t listen to One Direction right now. But I hope 10 year old me can still turn the volume up when her parents are fighting in the next room. I hope 13 year old me can scream the lyrics to midnight memories at her friends’ houses. I hope 16 year old me can curl up in bed listening to made in the am everytime she needs someone to be there for her, like she always did. I hope 18 year old me, starting college alone in the middle of the pandemic, can rewatch San Siro and quote every line and find comfort in the nostalgia. I hope 20 year old me is screaming along at all the solo concerts. You’ll never see the 5 of them. I’m sorry.

In the end, my heart is with everyone who personally knew and loved Liam. And then it’s with us. The ones who grew up with him. The ones who found a sense of belonging in playlists, and stan accounts, and fanfics, and concerts. Because we’ll never get a next time. The boys will never get a next time. And I’m not really sure how to handle that thought, because there was supposed to be time, for all of us.

We were supposed to have a next time. Liam deserved a next time.

There was a whole lot of history there, after all.

#one direction #liam payne #niall horan #harry styles #louis tomlinson #zayn malik #directioners #fangirl

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matiixoxo · 1 month ago

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How to study - a guide for ♡ good grades ♡

intro

for most of my school years, I never studied. I have naturally good memory and was quick to understand things... up until maybe year 8. Then things got a bit harder, my grades started falling. I only started to truly study during year 10, and that's how I developed my various ways of studying.

i will be listing the methods i use below. these have helped me a lot and hopefully they can help you too! That said, here are my methods:

method 1 - two notebooks

this is my preferred method for sciences, aka, biology, chemistry, etc.

what i do is have two separate notebooks for each subject.

one is to use during class. its messy, disorganised, an info dump of everything the teacher says.

the second one stays at home. there, everyday after school, i rewrite my notes, this time more aesthetic, more complex, prettier. i also research online and check the powerpoints used by the teacher to make sure I'm not missing anything. I take my time with this notebook, because rewriting my notes helps consolidate them in my mind, and is a great tool for revising for tests. it also means that during class, i can pay more attention to what the teacher is saying instead of trying to do pretty titles and such.

method 2 - flashcards

i also mostly use this for sciences, it helps a lot.

flashcards are the best. You can use ones ready made on your computer, or handwrite your own. I prefer to handwrite because, even though it takes time, as I said before rewriting helps consolidate the material in your brain. After every class, I write down questions and answers on white rectangles I bought from the nearby stationary store, punch a hole in them, and add them to the ring where I have all the other flashcards.

when I'm close to a test, I keep my flashcards close to me at all times. when I am bored, or have nothing to do, I take them out and flip through them until I feel I know everything. I try to go through them at least twice a day.

this method has saved me in so many ways.

method 3 - close by

this is the method I use for history, languages, and english.

I rewrite all my notes on my computer (but you can do handwritten, i just prefer computer so i can print many copies) and then print them out. a week before a test, I start leaving the notes in places i pass by often, eg, my desk, my bathroom mirror, taped to the inside of my wardrobe. every time I see my notes, I force myself to read them all. because I pass by the places so many times, I'll be constantly rereading the same thing, helping consolidate it in my brain.

ofc, this might not be enough, so I also suggest reading your notes like this - read the first sentence. then read the first again, and then the second, and read the first again, followed by the second and then read the third, and then reread the first, second, and third sentences. then read the fourth. and reread the first, second, third, and fourth, and then the fifth, etc. this method is amazing and helps memorize stuff so easily. sorry if its confusing ♡

method 4 - exercises

this method, in my opinion, is better for subjects like maths, physics, etc.

it's pretty obvious what it is. just do and redo exercises, correct them, grade yourself, Google past papers and test yourself again. do this until you are confident that you understand everything. and even then, keep doing exercises.

method 5 - essays

this one is for English, and you might hate it. I mean, who doesn't hate essays?

what i do is, I go to chatgpt, and ask it to suggest possible essay questions on possible things that might be on my test (eg., shakespeare).

then, I write an essay (using the PEAEAL structure) and ask chatgpt to evaluate it and rate it out of ten, tell me where I should improve without giving me the exact answer to what I should improve. then I rewrite the parts that were wrong, and send it to chatgpt again. I do this until I get a 10/10. I keep doing this with multiple questions until I'm confident I know the topic well

important:

how i truly, truly, managed to get good grades was making studying enjoyable. I started romanticizing it - lighting candles, installing an aesthetic clock on my computer, spending hours on pretty diagrams, going to cafes with my notes and studying there.

get a friend to study with you too sometimes. Trust me when I say, romanticizing studying is the best study method.

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onlinelearningclass · 1 year ago

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English Vs Science: Which One Should You Choose After Class 10?

Teaching students in class 10 science classes to think critically and solve problems is one of the most significant contributions that science education can make to society.

Read for more info visit us :- www.sssi.in

#class 10 English #class 10 science classes #online science classes for class 10 #CBSE online class 10 science classes

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venriliz · 4 months ago

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10 random facts about me

got tagged by @druidberries @alientown @papermint-airplane TY <3

u literally tagged the most boring person but that's probably what half of all people think of themselves, huh? °-° i might regurgitate some of the facts i used for my introduction post in the sims of tumblr community. i wrote a lot so i'll put a cut with the facts below here. °-°

my birthday is the 4th of july and when i was a kid (prolly like 5 or 6) i saw an american parade on the news on tv. after i asked my dad why these people are celebrating he literally told me that they're celebrating my birthday °_° i believed for several years that americans celebrated my fucking birthday bc i wasn't aware of independence day existing lmfao. my dad just loved fooling me V.V he might be dead but i'm still holding that grudge lol.

i'm kinda lucky to be alive i guess? when i was a kid i was hit by a car in what we in germany call "Spielstraße" which is kinda like a street in dense neighborhoods where kids are allowed to play freely and cars aren't allowed to go faster than 7 kph/4.3 mph. i don't now how fast the driver was but it probably was something around 30 kph/18 mph. i didn't have very bad injuries but still °-° i could've died.

i was a typical horse girl as a kid (i still like horses but i'm not riding anymore because i'm a very old 20-something with knee problems lol) and i was fucking INSUFFERABLE abt it.

i don't want to have kids or get married. i'm not one of those people who hate children like i love my nieces and my nephew BUT i have a lot of mental health issues and can't possibly take care of another life if i can barely take care of myself properly, right? marriage to me is just a weird concept. i can totally respect people getting married and if i'm invited to a wedding i'm obviously attending but i personally can't really subscribe to the idea of binding myself to someone with a piece of paper and it then being such a stupid process when it doesn't work out. also... it costs too much money lol

i have kind of an affinity for finding missing pets (i also photograph every missing poster i see so i guess that helps with recognizing them?)

i was NOT good at school like i kinda sucked and i can probably blame a mixture of mental health issues, trouble at home and also being a lazy teenager that just wasn't really built for school life lol. i barely managed to get the "Mittlere Reife" (if you're german u know what i mean. i could explain what that means but explaining the german school system would take years). english, german and biology were my only good classes. i absolutely hated math like we're lifelong enemies.

speaking of germany, i am from germany or to be more specific from the most northern region nearest to the danish border and i LOVE living here. the north and baltic sea are close to me and people here are usually quite chill. the only thing i don't like that much abt living here is kind of the regional cuisine bc a lot of it is fish and i don't like eating fish T.T

i HATE going shopping (i'm an online shopper °-° EMP my beloved) and my friends just don't take me with them on shopping trips bc they know i'll kill the mood by complaining like a child and wanting to go back home lmfao

the first sims game for me was the og Sims and i almost fried my dad's old ass pc playing it. my first vivid memory of the game was noticing that here and there random houses appeard out of seemingly nowhere. the goths got a new house that didn't fit their vibe for example lol. years later my dad told me that he used to play the game when i was sleeping and just built these houses lmfao. so i guess my dad was an og simmer oO.

i remember 9/11 (yes i'm old enough don't age shame me T.T). i was in kindergarten at that time and just came home from a friends house when the towers fell. i saw it on tv and even though i was very young i understood that a lot of people were getting hurt. definitely had an impact on me as a kid.

yeah that's it. i rambled a lot but yeah °-°

tagging @landgraabbed @olli-online @living-undead @moonwoodhollow @microscotch @crazy-lazy-elder-sims @aniraklova @tiallussims @skaterboi108 @faerun-s @cristalviper @none-of-these-days @fadingforrest @acuar-io @elderwisp @lilamausmaus @simpleratattack @azeterna @butteredfrogs @mmonetsims and everybody else who reads this! HA!

#tag game #omg i wrote too much T.T

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csuitebitches · 10 months ago

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Hello!

I'm not that good in English because it's not my mother tongue, and I just know basic common words, and it's really hard for me to understand books, writing essays, doing impromptu speeches, etc. They don't teach English that well in school. I graduated high school already and I'm in a gap year.

Can you please give some advice? Thank you.

the most scientific way of learning a language is in this order -> listening , speaking, reading and writing.

Select a podcast on Spotify or Apple Music. Listen to it for at least 15 minutes every single day. if you find a particular word that is new to you, pause the podcast, and repeat it out loud. Look up the meaning and say it a few times loudly.

this whole learning mission is pointless if you don’t start talking to people in English. Talk as much as possible, it’s okay if you screw up. If you don’t screw up, you’ll never learn. If you feel awkward, talk to yourself out loud. Every night, record a voice memo, talking about your day.

Look for 1000 of the most common words in English. You’ll find this for free on the internet. Create flash cards - you can use quizlet for online ones - and revise for 10 minutes every single night.

watch children’s shows (cartoons). Read children’s books. You can find free content online.

download a vocabulary app on your phone and read it everyday.

if possible , start going to English classes. It will help you tremendously.

#Q/a #languages

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not-poignant · 3 months ago

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Just saw your post about Ghibli + elements of grotesque with the Nausicaa gifset and how you wrote an essay comparing it to Shinto philosophy and I had to ask - you didn't happen to write that for an IB film class did you?? Cause that would be a WILD coincidence if so, bc I'm doing IB film rn and one of our extended essay examples was literally exactly that; an analysis/comparison of Ghibli movies and Shinto philosophy/religion and it was really really good.

Even if not, that's so cool!! I adore Ghibli and totally agree with the points you left in the tags of that post. Ghibli is about confronting the uncomfortable and ugly and grotesque and scary and acknowledging it as a valid and necessary part of life. Everything in balance!! Sure there are some more cutesy kiddy films which I feel have become more mainstream but especially films like Nausicaa have very real and important messages that often get overlooked :( I was really scared of Nausicaa when I was a child and now it's one of my favourite films!!

Anyway, you're awesome, I agree with your takes and Ghibli rocks 💪

Hi anon!

So this is going to be a wild journey, strap in.

I don't know what IB Film is. I did my thesis in a final year university unit specifically where we all developed our own thesis subject, had a supervisor, and it was basically a test run to do first class Honours (which lets you bypass a Masters degree and go straight to the PhD, which I then intended to do). It was a limited class that only had about 10 people in it, I believe. My supervisor was the head of the film department.

Now, this was back in about 2004. Shit I'm old. Ghibli wasn't a household name. It wasn't streaming anywhere. You couldn't get DVDs easily, and if you wanted them you had to make sure you had a region unlocked DVD player to deal with the DRM and then buy them from overseas. Most people were only getting exposed to these films if they were regular cinema-goers, or if they were an aggressive pirate via downloading torrents (which I was). The only place you could get Ghibli merch pretty much was Japan. It absolutely did not have the kind of traction it has now, no one could do a class on it outside of Japan because the majority of students would have no idea what you were talking about.

I think Disney/Lasseter had picked up the option to do dubs, but for the most part, if we were seeing these at the cinema, they were subbed.

So that's the context! That was in an era where I was the one directly getting all of my friends on Livejournal and in person, into Studio Ghibli. I went to the Ghibli film festival back before Spirited Away came out, and that got me hooked years previous.

In 2004 I did my thesis. At the time I was the only person in the English speaking world to do a thesis specifically on my thesis subject. It had been covered briefly in sentences like 'Miyazaki practices Shinto' etc. and there was one other unpublished thesis I was able to find that talked about concepts of Shinto and some of Miyazaki's films which helped me a lot with my thesis.

I went on a deep dive into Shinto. Because it was a thesis, I had to research a lot into the difference between folk and shrine Shinto (Ghibli films lean very 'folk' but there are moments of shrine Shinto), and ended up with a pretty baller reference list. But many, many, many more resources online and off have come out since. I'd find the thesis very easy to do if I was doing it now.

Because I was the first to kind of present my findings in a thesis like this, the thesis ended up getting published in a book on animism and then journeyed further on because it was of interest to people who are interested in representations of animism in mass media, especially popular mass media.

The specific focus of my thesis statement was the difference between the black and white puritanical morality of Disney, the most popular animation studio for children and adults at the time, versus Miyazaki's mixed morality and more nuanced explorations of good and evil, villains, heroes and antiheroes in Ghibli animations, and how that was at least partly founded in the difference between a more Christianised versus Shinto mindset in relation to nature and intersections with humanity.

Idk, something like that.

The thesis did well! I got my high distinction, got my invitation into first class Honours, and then was too sick to go on and get the PhD and teach about these things, which was what I fully intended to do!

My thesis got some traction over the years, published in a few places both online and in at least two books (one that I own, the other I forget because it's been oh my god like 20 years), so the idea got around!

Anon, there is actually a chance - a small chance - that the only reason you're getting this essay subject in a more standardised curriculum is because my thesis made its way into the public eye 20 years ago and got quite popular. It was never peer reviewed or anything, it wasn't a PhD thesis and didn't need to be, it was mostly just a very well-researched (if I do say so myself) collation of thoughts on the subject as someone is also a practicing animist. In retrospect I really wish I'd incorporated more of Zipe's teachings but he was in a completely different field to media studies and my supervisor didn't know about him to suggest him.

Discussions of Ghibli, Miyazaki and Shinto became a lot more popularised as Ghibli got more popular and people in the western world discovered that there were already a published essay (at the time people could read it without paying for it as I'd put it up online for folks to access) that linked to other sources and the unpublished essay I'd found. So...

Um, yeah, that's wild, because I know that this wasn't a thing in universities 20 years ago, because I was so desperate for resources I was emailing around and asking universities so I didn't have to figure so much out myself. 😅

#asks and answers #time is wild #this was one of the things that helped me get into the golden key society #i'm sure #unfortunately the thesis is published under my legal name #which i'm not super comfortable revealing on this tumblr specifically #(it's not the name associated with my facebook account)#(and i'm the only one in the world with my legal name so yeah)#(like it's findable but i just don't like to volunteer it)#anyway good luck with your essay!!!#an essay would've been way nicer #my thesis was like 20k in words sadlkfjsa #mini thesis - i was so ready to make it a book though lol

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the---hermit · 1 year ago

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02|10|2023

October is here but autumn is taking its time to very slowly show up, days are still warmer than they usually are in this time of year, and only a few leaves have already changed colour. My week started slowly, I only worked on my English lit class. I read the entire second act of Richard II and started the third. I have also been slowly watching The Hollow Crown episode on Richard II. I have been watching the sections corrisponding to what I read during the day, that way I can see how the actors deliver their lines, which I have found very helpful to better understand the text. It's also been very useful to rememeber the characters. Aside from reading the play to prepar for my classes at the end of the week I had my therapy session, and now I will sit down to crochet a bit. I have yet to decide what audiobook I should listen while working on my project, since yesterday I finished The Burning God by R.F. Kuang. I still have to process I am done with this series, and I haven't yet written a review, but that will be posted as soon as I can.

cozy hobbit autumn activities and productivity:

read first thing in the morning

read for more or less an hour RIchard II before leaving the house

had my monthly therapy session (which was actually very chill, and definitely a good start for the month. What I want to be more consistent in now is to track my sleeping since it's not going super well still, and write down somewhere things I feel like I should bring up in therapy during the month)

help my dad with groceries

listened to today's episode of re:dracula (I am anjoying this podcast so much)

daily Irish practice on duolingo (I feel like in the past week I have been doing good progress and I feel like I have a renewed exciment for this little daily hobby)

read a bit more of Richard II in the afternoon

looked online for a book I cannot find in a physical store

continued working on my crochet project

📖: The Book Of Lost Things by John Connolly, Richard II by William Shakespeare

#studyblr #studyinspo #uniblr #university #student life #academia #historyblr #bookblr #book #productivity #studying #journal #journaling #knife gang #cozy hobbit autumn #mine #the---hermit

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marshmallowprotection · 6 months ago

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Any hcs of Saeyoung and his days trained by the agency? I saw some pretty messed up ones and it made me tear up a bit remembering that he was just a KID

Saeyoung's time in the agency is far from joyful. It is the worst experience of his life because he sold his autonomy away for the chance to keep his brother safe, and it was for nothing in the end because Rika and V didn't keep their promise.

There isn't a lot of concrete evidence as to everything he went through during his time in the agency, and due to how much he pointedly jokes about his experiences to cope, it's hard to tell the truth from the lie he put in to make you doubt the validity of what actually happened.

So, if anything, I think it's important to point out that the agency did send him to California to study computer science. He went by a solid alias during his time there, Chilyoung Choi, and this is revealed in the diary Rika wrote for the Special Believer box. He went missing before the graduation ceremony, and the newspaper clipping Rika had was proof the agency wiped all the data of him being there which made a lot of students question if he was even there or not.

It seemed like his existence was a question meant for a scary story online about how someone never existed at your school but you all collectively remember this person for some reason. So, imagine that, Saeyoung is no older than fourteen or fifteen, and he's in America, no choice but to learn English and other languages as fast as possible to acclimate and not be suspicious, and he has to remain out of sight at all times as not to make a lasting impression on others, but be good enough to ace all his classes without fail.

He doesn't even get to enjoy the experience of being in school or making friends in school. Sure, it's implied he did speak to others sometimes, but that... that isn't a fun experience. I think that had to be hard on him, because Saeyoung loves to learn and if his life wasn't cruel, he would stayed in college to learn as much as he could for as long as he could. It was another slap in the face that he couldn't live a free life, but maybe, just maybe, Saeran would be able to experience a life like that.

It's a note of contention between Seven and Vanderwood when Seven slacks off. He procrastinates doing much of his work, and I think he does that for a reason. Most of the work he's doing is dirty work that wealthy people want to pay off the agency to take care of so they don't have to worry about getting their hands filthy. That means the work he's doing in the field and through cyberspace aren’t things he’s morally okay with.

After all, if you're going to pay an agency to take care of something for you, you are not a good person, and even if you are, what you're asking for from the agency is more likely than not illegal and would be considered taboo or unforgivable in the public world 9/10 times. For a long time, I always theorized that Saejoong Choi was amongst those who paid the agency, and hot damn, I was proven correct in the RAE. That goes to show how dirty and underhanded the agency is when it comes to work.

Anything for the bottom dollar.

Anything for greed.

Part of the reason why he avoids doing his work until the last minute has to do with the kind of work he's doing. I feel like if his target is innocent and he doesn't want to do what the agency wants him to do, he puts it off as much as humanly possible and tries to find other ways to take care of the problem first.

If that doesn't work, the only reason why he procrastinates is because he doesn't want to go through with doing what he has to do. In the end, he doesn't have a choice, and neither does Vanderwood, they’ve got guns at their heads and that’s why Vanderwood doesn’t fucking ever mince his words and tells him to get over himself and DO IT. He does it, and he long lost the reasoning to tell himself to think about the morality of the situation.

It'll happen to Saeyoung eventually, too.

But, as much as Vanderwood thinks of saving his own ass first, we all know that he covers for Seven, too. As much as he reasonably can in a situation, anyway, doesn't make Vanderwood the best person, but I do think his soft spot for Seven is important because it shows a good reason why some people soften to Vanderwood in the end. He has a good heart underneath everything, and even if he has methods to do things that most people don't agree with, he still wants to look after his brat.

Seven doesn't want to hurt other people who don't deserve it. But, he doesn't have much of a choice given the fact he sold his life away for his brother. He doesn't regret that choice, but he has to live with it in ways he never imagined when he made that deal as a kid. Ways that haunt him every day, even after the agency is dismantled from every angle imaginable.

Now, I think most people are well aware of the fact that Seven has had missions where he has to dress up to get close to his target. There are a multitude of reasons why an agent would have to dress up, and sure, not all of those reasons are horrible, sometimes you need to wear a tuxedo to get into a party. You have to look the part otherwise you're going to stick out like a sore thumb.

But, I don’t think most people who see him dress up think about the implication of his words. This is a snippet from his Diary that you can look at in the RFA box. Saeyoung has been a member of the agency since he was a teenager, and it doesn't blow past me for a second to think about the fact that they'd have him dress up to fill a role to get their targets to drop their guard long enough for the kill.

Saeyoung dressed up as a maid because there was a "maid fanatic." I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't like the phrasing of those words and I never have. There is some creep at the event he attended and the only way he could get close to this creep was by dressing up as a maid to get this guy to look at him. They used the fact that he's a scrawny teenager / young adult to their benefit, knowing that if he is there playing a helpless damsel, their targets will eat it up.

The amount of sexual harassment and WORSE that Saeyoung has experienced is something I don't think he's even begun to unravel. I do think as well that the agency giving him the opportunity to don a new persona on missions also helped him explore his gender identity and fluidity. He feels comfortable as a woman when he's the one who has a say in his look, and while no Saeyoung fan agrees on what label he's comfortable with, nonbinary, genderfluid, trans, or a cis guy who simply loves to crossdress or do drag—it's an interesting to see how we all view his exploration of gender.

I personally think he's genderfluid, and he doesn’t mind whatever pronouns you use for him, but if you deviate from using he/him as your default, God there’s a look of euphoria on his face the likes of which you have never seen before. “Pretty girl” and “Good boy” hit the same for him but the former really makes his eyes sparkle. My headcanon, of course.

Though, I think sometimes he has a complicated relationship with his identity because his self-discovery happened not because he decided to dress up and learn more about himself, but because the agency told him he had no choice but to dress up. He doesn't want his experience in the agency to taint what he sees when he dresses up, which is why I think he does what he does in the chat room to receive compliments now and again from the other members. He ends up fishing for compliments because he wants them to come from a genuine place, not from some creep he has to get rid of for work.

I think it'll be better for him once he's out of the agency and he can explore his identity comfortably, and his MC can play a role in helping him feel validated in his sense of self, regardless of how you headcanon him. Because, more than anything, I think he deserves to have an experience that makes him feel good when he dresses up, allowing him to overcome the damage the agency did to him and embracing that he can identify and express himself anyway he wants to and nobody can take that from him.

Most people are aware of the warehouse phone call. He spent days in a warehouse behind enemy fire and the only consolation he won out of that pain was the Honey Buddha Chips they paid him off with for the "trouble". He spent those days thinking he was going to die within an instant, one wrong move and he's dead, and that's one of the hard traumatic events he's gone through that he hasn't unraveled the way he needs to.

I cannot even begin to imagine how agonizing it was to sit there, no food or water, knowing that if he made a single sound, they would kill him without remorse.

He isn't just a desk agent who hacks his way into what they tell him to. If they tell him to go out into the field, he has to and that's that. He doesn't have a say in the matter.

He's mentioned visiting Antarctica and I believe a few island nations before. Again, you can't tell for certain just how much he's joking and how much of the truth he's telling you, so you have to take it with the smallest grain of salt and work out the realism. But, it's clear to me in my mind that he's had to travel to places just to take care of a mission and those missions put his life at risk.

He's trained not to defend himself but to attack first. He doesn't keep guns in his bunker but he knows how to use one. He knows best how to defend himself in a fight, considering that the car he used to take you with him was bullet proof, and that's not something you do in the average life. You don't just get a bulletproof car for no reason. You get it because you're scared for your life.

I make it abundantly clear in most of the posts I write about him to remind people just how paranoid of a person he is. It's not healthy, not in the slightest, but if you understand where he's coming from, it makes sense why he reacts the way he does. Saeyoung is afraid of dying and he’s right to be afraid. Not only does he need to be scared of his father and how fast he could be erased, he has to be afraid of all of the people he has pissed off during his time in the agency. He is not short on enemies.

Plenty of people don't like him and that's one of the reasons why he was afraid to let anybody get close to him. It's not that he's afraid of letting himself be loved, although, that is something he does have to learn how to accept, it's more so he's afraid of people being tortured because they love him. Bad people will exploit your weaknesses and if you own those weaknesses close to your heart where anyone can see it, they will know how to hurt you.

Honestly, there are a lot of things he went through during his time in the agency, things that I don't think will ever be able to account for because it's going to take him a long time to open up about what happened to him. He always puts the needs of others before himself. He's going to get better about that in the future, but you're going to have to be gentle with him as he begins to unravel all of the things they made him do to survive. He's not out of the water yet but at least he's willing to trust his partner with his heavy heart.

#mod kait #ask #mystic messenger #anon #mysme #mysticmessenger #mm #saeyoung choi #choi saeyoung #luciel choi #choi luciel #707 #seven #character analysis

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