#one of the few times i had tried to look after myself and it backfired on my horribly

[babygirlvanitas]

hh oh i hit the tag limit

[captain-joongz]

Tits out

Pairing: best friend!Wooyoung x f!reader

Genre: bffs to ??, college au, pure smut, barely any plot, fluff, humour

Summary: When talking to your best friend about your nipple piercing during movie night backfires in the most spectacular way possible and Seonghwa's new couch gets caught in the crossfire

Word count: cca 7k

Warnings: reader is chubby, there's no discussion, they just jump into it, titty sucking, nipple and nipple piercing fixation, unprotected sex (this is pure fantasy, be careful in the real world), a little bit of body insecurity about body hair, fingering, doggy, squirting (let me know if i missed anything)

I had met Wooyoung back in the first year in uni and now four years later we were still going strong. The man that walked in confidently into a lecture hall, bee-lined straight for the empty space next to me and was sitting down before I even comprehended his question of “is this seat taken?”, who then proceeded to talk my ear off and invite himself for lunch with me, was quite easy to befriend, believe it or not. After sitting next to him a few times and going for lunch later, I’d managed to get out of my shell a little too and soon we were two merry extroverts steamrolling through university hip to hip. He’d become one of my best friends, one of my closest friends and a person that understood me almost perfectly. We knew we could count on each other completely and trusted each other blindly.

I was introduced into his friend group, and he was into mine and we often hung out together in huge groups of rowdy younglings, going dancing and spending weekends eating too much junk food and watching bad movies someone had put on, but no one really paid attention to besides the occasional joke about its stupidity. I couldn’t count how many times I’ve done something extremely stupid while hanging out with them and was heavily encouraged by both Wooyoung and San. It was the most fun I’ve had though, and that’s what really mattered.

Now I was already out of school, but Wooyoung and most of his friends were continuing with their studies. Due to this, we tried to hang out every Friday, but a lot of the time it ended up being just me and him or even just me sitting in their living room watching Netflix waiting who makes it home first. It was like my second home at this point, and no one was phased when I showed up out of the blue and sat on the couch like I owned it. Especially since Seonghwa bought the new one, that one was extremely comfortable.

Usually, Friday night was a hang out and movie night for me and Wooyoung anyway, but today I was a woman on a mission. A few months ago, I had gotten a nipple piercing. It wasn’t my first one (though it was definitely the most painful one) so I wasn’t extremely worried about it, but lately it has been acting up a little. It usually didn’t hurt but sometimes there would be this slight discomfort around it and I’ve even noticed some slight scabbing even months later. I knew realistically that it was most likely okay, but my anxious nervous little brain had managed to convince me that I’m going to lose my tit or something. That’s why I needed a second opinion. And that’s where Wooyoung came in.

Tonight, I was making my way towards their flat knowing I’m about to ask Wooyoung for the weirdest favour one ever could, but it should be okay, right? We were such close friends, it definitely wasn’t a big deal, right? You normally asked your friends to take a look at your tits and tell you whether there’s something weird about one of them, that was just a usual Friday, no?

I checked the group chat again and confirmed that it would be just me and Woo tonight and then made my way to their building’s door. They lived on the fourth floor without an elevator, which would normally be a minus, but since it was an old warehouse made into an apartment building, their flat was actually massive and housed all of them without a problem, so I graciously sacrificed myself and stomped up the stairs a few times a week to see their faces (and eat their food).

Upon arriving to the flat, I found Woo busy making something in the kitchen, humming lightly while whipping cream like a 50s housewife.

“What you up to?” I asked casually strolling into the room, making Wooyoung jump with shock. “Jesus fucking Christ, you sneak in all the time and yet I still get scared by you,” he said and put his hand over his heart. I slapped his shoulder and peeked at what he was making.

“You literally gave me the keys, Wooyoung, I’m hardly sneaking in,” I said and rolled my eyes at him. He just laughed and pushed me out of the kitchen. “Shut up and start choosing the movie or I know we’ll just end up scrolling through Netflix for hours like always,” he shouted over his shoulder and went back to whatever snack he was making.

As I sat on the couch, I was steeling myself for what I was about to ask him, trying to figure out how to bring it up. No time like the present, right. I mindlessly scrolled through the movies, but really I was waiting for Woo to join me in the living room. Then finally he came in through the door, a plate of little cheesy snacks in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other. I was just about to open my mouth, but he cheekily winked at me and made his way back to the kitchen. When he returned, he was holding a little tray with two cups of hot chocolate, the coke and two glasses.

He finally joined me on the couch and for a while we both just sat there, arguing about whether we want to watch a comedy or a thriller, while I was thinking how to broach the subject. But in the end, I didn’t even need to do that. In the middle of my sentence about how I’m not watching another stupid horror movie about nothing, Wooyoung suddenly turned to me and just gave me this look. And I knew I was done playing around. I stopped in the middle of talking and stared at him. He grinned.

“Okay, just spill it,” he said when I stayed silent for too long.

“What do you mean?” I attempted to stray away from the topic until I was ready, but he’d already saw through me. “Really?” he asked incredulously, “I’ve known you for years, you think I don’t recognise when you want to talk about something? Just spill the beans already.” I heaved a deep sigh and then turned on the couch to face him. He was still grinning.

“Okay, this might be really weird, but just bear with me for a while, okay?” I started. While I was slightly worried about the piercing, I also couldn’t help but fear Woo’s reaction, after all this wasn’t exactly a normal thing to ask your friend. I knew worst case scenario he’ll just say no and laugh it off, but still. He looked a little more serious for a moment, but then I continued talking. “I need you to look at my tits, okay?”

Wooyoung looked at me shocked for a moment and then bursted out laughing. I just glared at him annoyed. “Hear me out-“ I started but he cut me off. “Is this about like being insecure about them? You want me to look at them and say they’re okay? Y/N, you know your tits are amazing-“ he was going on and on, but this time it was me who cut him off.

“God, no, nothing like that,” I shut him up embarrassed. While it was true that I was slightly insecure about my plump figure, I loved my boobs, I knew they looked great. They were simply just right, it was one of the things I loved about my body. Wooyoung sensed that it must be something more serious and gestured for me to continue.

“You know I got the piercing, but lately it started to act up a little and I’m getting nervous and I just need you to look and tell me it looks fine,” I got out in one breath and he just stared at me. “Okay…? Why don’t you look into the mirror?” he asked, genuinely curious. “I have, but since I’m getting so nervous about it, I need a second opinion,” I explained, “Come on Woo, I know it’s a super weird and gross request, but help me out here.” Wooyoung laughed again and smirked at me.

“Gross and weird?” he repeated, “Not only I’ll see a nipple and a piercing, but I’ll also see a boob and a nipple with a piercing, that’s like some of the best things in this world combined together.” I slapped his shoulder again, but we both laughed this time.

“You’re the worst, god,” I said laughing, “I’m surprised you haven’t died over being such a fucking horndog all the time yet.” He laughed too and then gestured to my top.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, just shut up and pull your tits out,” he joked and made himself comfortable on one end of the couch. I wasn’t particularly shy about showing my body, so it wasn’t that hard to bare myself like this. Hell, me and Woo have probably seen each other naked a few times but just didn’t care enough.

I pulled the two straps of my top off my shoulders and bunched the fabric around my waist, then reached around to my back to take off my bra. When it hit the floor Wooyoung’s full attention was suddenly on my chest, and it flustered me a little. I fought the instinct to cover myself with my arms and instead just sat there, topless with my best friend intensely staring at my boobs.

“So?” I asked anxiously, “What do you think?” He suddenly straightened up and it brought us quite close to each other. “That you have really great tits,” he said absent-mindedly, his hands raising on instinct as if going to squish them. I flushed and swatted at them. “Yeah, I know,” I said annoyed, “that’s not what I asked though.” That seemed to break him out of it a little bit and he hunched down so his face was on level with my chest. I face-palmed and hoped no one would come home unannounced, cause this would be damn hard to explain.

“No, yeah I think it’s okay,” Woo said after a while, “I mean, the pierced one looks a little different, but that’s to be expected. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.” I relaxed at hearing him say so and felt the tension leave me at once. But I just needed a little more to feel completely at ease.

“Can you like… touch it to see if it’s weirdly warm or if there’s some weird texture or something?” I asked embarrassed and quickly looked to the side when Woo’s head whipped up to look at me. “You want me to what now?” he questioned me flabbergasted.

“I don’t know, dude! You’re the one that gets into contact with tits, you’ll know if there’s something wrong with it!” I started hurriedly explaining myself, growing more flustered by the minute. Wooyoung stayed quiet for a moment and then sighed. I thought this was finally the line that was too far for him, but then his hand suddenly flew up and stopped just millimetres from my nipple. We both just sat there, holding our breath, not knowing where to look, when he slowly brought his fingers in contact with my skin. I gasped quietly, but in the silence it was still audible. I flushed in embarrassment and refused to look anywhere else except for the wall by the TV.

Wooyoung’s fingers messed around a little, pressing down on the nipple and gently squeezing it, also lightly touching onto the piercing. Surprisingly enough, what I felt wasn’t pain like I feared. With every soft brush of his fingers over the sensitive skin, a little bolt of pleasure shot through me and I had to fight to keep myself from gasping more or arching into his touch. I felt the blush spreading over my face and completely mortified I noticed beginnings of a scorching wet heat between my legs.

Then suddenly his hand was gone and he was clearing his throat. The silence that set between us was broken and we both started shifting around, not knowing what to do with the situation we found ourselves in.

“I think it’s totally fine,” he said, his voice somewhat hoarse, but I was so embarrassed I barely even registered it.

“Oh thank god, I was really getting nervous,” I said and laughed a little awkwardly. Wooyoung wasn’t saying anything and just sat in front of me tensely, so I assumed it was good and he just needed a moment to shake off the sudden awkward atmosphere, and turned around to find my bra. That was a rookie mistake though. The moment my eyes left Wooyoung, he striked. As I was searching the floor with my eyes, suddenly what felt like a lightning strike went through my whole body. My back arched on instinct, and I toppled backwards onto the couch with a loud moan.

Wooyoung’s mouth has attached itself onto my pierced nipple and he sucked again, another shock pulsing through me and pleasure suddenly flooding my senses. My hands flew to his shoulders, but instead of pushing him away I just pulled him closer. I myself wasn’t sure of what was happening or what we were doing, but it felt too good to dwell on it and I definitely didn’t hate it.

Wooyoung moved closer and made himself comfortable between my spread thighs, his mouth busy sucking and licking around my piercing. I was letting out tiny breathy moans, my legs instinctively pulling him closer to my core, hoping for a little friction.

“What… what are you doing?” I finally gathered my wits and asked breathlessly. I looked down to see the top of his head moving around. He peaked up to look at me and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, I’ve never been with a girl that has a nipple piercing, I couldn’t help myself,” he explained, and I rolled my eyes at him.

“You damn horndog,” I muttered, but didn’t push him away or stop him. That gave him confidence to continue, and he smirked at me, as one of his hands brushed down my front until he was slightly pushing on my clit through my clothes and I arched again. He moved to the other nipple and played with it a little, while his unoccupied hand moved to my other breast, touching it teasingly, squeezing it slightly and thumbing the piercing.

“It’s so sensitive,” he murmured and watched his hand completely fascinated. I was about to retort something, but he chose that moment to bite at my breast and move up to leave wet hot kisses on my neck and a loud moan came out instead. It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone, and I was starting to worry I might utterly embarrass myself. One of my hands sneaked down between our bodies, trying to encourage him to touch me properly instead of just gently pressing, but he caught it and pulled it up to my shoulder. Suddenly he was towering over me, smirking at me and just generally being a menace. I arched again, this time trying to push our lower halves together, but he avoided me with a laugh.

“God, please, Wooyoung just touch me,” I begged him as the desperation from the scorching heat cursing through my veins was taking over, throwing everything into the wind and fully committing to getting fucked by my best friend. He kept smirking and propped himself up over me on his elbow.

“Touch you, huh?” he said and suddenly his hand was back to teasing my clit, this time with more force. I keened and pushed up into him, suddenly embarrassedly realising just how wet I’d gotten from such small ministrations. He chuckled watching me, head diving to take my pierced nipple into his mouth again, gently playing with it with his tongue and scraping his teeth over it. I jerked and my hands flew into his hair, holding him in place so that he’d never stop, my mouth falling open on a silent moan, too overwhelmed by the sensation to properly function. He slowly moved up to my neck, peppering kisses and small bites along the way, while his fingers moved in little circles over my clothed clit.

I was so turned on I could die, I needed him to touch me properly – like stuff me full of his long beautiful fingers. And I told him as such. And he laughed at me.

“Aw, such a little desperate angel, aren’t you?” Wooyoung whispered into my skin. I whined his name, hoping it would speed him up. He scoffed at me playfully but moved away to pull my shorts off, grabbing them with one hand and pulling them down in one swoop; leaving me a little breathless and only in a bunched up top around my middle, while Wooyoung was still fully clothed. I started pulling his shirt off and he obliged, flinging it to the other side of the room eagerly.

Woo sat back on his heels between my spread thighs to take me in and I started to feel shy again, hands moving to grab onto him and pull him back onto me, but he pushed my arms back into the couch and held them there for a moment, before sitting back again.

“No, no, angel, I’m looking at your pretty pussy,” he teased me, hands grabbing at my full thighs to keep them spread wide. I looked down and suddenly an insecurity reared its head again. About two years ago I had stopped shaving in my intimate area, only trimming it a little, cause it irritated my skin too much and the last time I was about to get some, the guy called me disgusting. Wooyoung was currently watching me like a starved man in front of a feast, but still I nervously covered myself with my hands. His eyes flicked up to me, questioning, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Sorry,” was all I said, mad at myself that I couldn’t even properly get out why I was suddenly so uncomfortable, and he looked at me all confused. “What are you sorry for?” he asked, but then realisation lit up his eyes and he moved to stand up from the couch, “Did you change your mind? You know it’s okay to tell me.” I looped my legs around his waist to pull him back to me and he fell forward with an “oof”. This pressed his erect cock to my core as he held himself up with his hands right by my head and we both moaned at the contact. My legs kept encouraging him to grind into me and for a moment we both just breathlessly moved against each other, Woo releasing little moans and sighs into the heated air between us, and I watched his half-lidded eyes slowly become hazy with pleasure, utterly fascinated.

“So I guess no changing of minds,” he chuckled on a small groan as his hips started thrusting a little harsher against me, losing all rationality and just chasing pleasure. “No, nothing like that,” I whispered back and pulled him for a kiss for the first. As soon as our lips touched, we started hungrily devouring each other, moaning into each other’s mouths and our hands grabbing onto each other desperately. I ended up helplessly grabbing onto his back and most probably leaving red scratches in my wake.

After a moment Woo pulled away, sat back on his heels again and I whined and tried to pull him back, leading him to laugh at me once more; but his fingers went straight for my pussy, spreading it open and sliding through the wetness there. As if placated, I immediately stopped whining and arched my back more, begging for his touch.

“What was that about before?” he asked slightly breathless and I could see he was being serious, even though his finger started slowly circling my clit and playing around. I could barely concentrate on explaining as I was too busy drowning in the liquid pleasure spreading through my entire body.

“Just a little… hng- a little insecure about- about my hair,” I answered while writhing around, simultaneously wanting more and hoping he’d stop so that I could explain properly. His eyes immediately flicked down between my legs just as his finger slid down and slowly slipped into me. I moaned loudly, hands grabbing and squeezing the couch. His gaze was trained on my hole as he pumped his finger in a few times and then quickly slid in a second one.

“Fuck, you’re so wet..” he whispered, still watching his fingers slowly fucking into me, his other hand going to squeeze his erection still tenting his sweats. My mouth was hanging open, eyes unfocused, noises just pouring out as I was finally feeling full for the first time. But then suddenly he pulled his fingers out and focused on me again. I actually sobbed out, trying to close my legs to keep his hand from leaving, but they were still kept spread by his hips.

“Why would you be insecure about it?” Wooyoung whispered and it took me a moment to remember what we were talking about before. I propped myself up on my elbows and looked at him, sitting between my spread legs with an obvious erection in sweats stained by my wetness from our grinding before. I flushed again and tore my eyes away from his cock, only to catch his smug smirk. I schooled my expression and said: “The last guy I was with called it disgusting. Said he’s not Columbus to be exploring the rainforest.” Wooyoung scoffed.

“What a fucking asshole, who even comes up with shit like that?” he asked incredulously, “Well, clearly he’s a fucking coward, but thankfully… I’ve always liked a little bit of adventure.” He said the last bit all flirty, winking like an absolute sleaze and I just knew something awful was coming. “Besides,” he said while pressing himself into me again, “the rainforest is the perfect place for my anaconda.” I groaned, but this time from pure embarrassment at his jokes while he cackled like a madman. I pushed him away and started to turn around so that I could stand up.

“God, I changed my mind, get off of me,” I said morosely, but he just grabbed my hips and used the momentum to turn me around and get me on all fours, then pressed us together. A bolt of arousal shot through me, and my arms buckled under my weight, my face pressing into the couch while my ass stayed propped up by Wooyoung, pressed into his hips.

“Actually, this is quite a good idea,” he said grinding into me, “I always knew you’d love to be fucked like this.” He bent over me, his chest pressing into my back as he whispered straight into my ear. “Pressed down like this, taken from behind quick, rough and dirty,” he murmured, “Put nicely in your place…” I moaned unabashed, hips pushing back onto his cock on their own and lust making itself painfully known again; in response I could feel Wooyoung’s hands tightening on my skin and suddenly he pulled back to hurriedly tug his sweats down. His hands made their home on my hips, squeezing and pulling, keeping me pressed into him, his cock slotting between my thighs and sliding along my wet pussy. I keened and attempted to grind back, but he held me as his hips pulled back.

“God, please,” I begged, “Please, Wooyoung, give it to me…” He held himself with one hand and I heard him chuckle. “You want it?” he teased. I felt the head of his cock gently teasing around my hole, slightly pushing in and pulling out again. I sobbed exasperated and nodded, face mushed into the couch and hands grabbing onto the throw pillows, my whole body just fucking screaming for his cock to spear me through and through, cunt spasming and tightening around nothing.

“Yes! Yes, please!” I cried and he finally slid inside in one slow thrust. I moaned with relief and sagged into the couch a little, finally getting what I’ve been wanting this whole time. Wooyoung groaned behind me and his hands dug into the skin of my hips, pushing us impossibly together. The feeling of fullness satisfied something wild and primal in me and I found myself struggling to close my mouth, too blissed out to do anything.

He stilled for a moment to get us both accustomed to the feeling, but clearly both of us were too horny to wait even a little longer, because the second I pushed my hips back into him, he started slowly grinding in small circles and it wasn’t long before it shifted into shallow thrusts punching out little gasps out of me.

I only had to whine out “please!” once to get Wooyoung to speed up and pound into me in a much faster pace, to both of our reliefs. Woo’s cool had quickly melted away into a desperate quick pace that had tiny whiny moans spilling out of him. I wasn’t fairing much better, the slide of his cock along my walls from this angle was absolutely heavenly and within few moments had me absolutely losing my already frayed mind. With my head turned away from the cushions I found myself unable to close my mouth, moans freely slipping out and bouncing off of the walls of the living room. Embarrassingly enough I could feel a string of drool coming out of the corner of my mouth onto the couch, but I couldn’t force myself to care when Wooyoung was fucking me so good.

It quickly became obvious we were both too horny and turned on to keep any kind of decorum, so we descended into a messy filthy fucking, Woo eventually bending over me and plastering his chest to my back, mouthing and biting at my neck in between grunts and groans. Just thinking about how deliciously I was filled with his cock had me moaning loudly, Wooyoung chuckling as if he wasn’t the same, losing his mind over the tight wet heat enveloping him in a torturous hug.

I found myself quickly spiralling, the molten pleasure pumping through my body at an alarming speed. I reached back and pulled at Wooyoung’s hips, forcing him to shift his leg a little closer and putting his hips a little higher over mine, giving him perfect access to that one spot deep inside of me with every thrust. I lost all control over my body then, taken over by the all-consuming pleasure, the moans coming out higher and louder with every thrust.

“God- ah aah-“ I panted out, hands digging into the pillows looking for any kind of purchase to withstand the onslaught of sensations, “I- I’m cumming so-soon.” Wooyoung giggled breathlessly into my shoulder and his hips suddenly gained back a little more direction, aiming to hit the spot with every slam into me, slowly speeding up until he was railing me like a madman, the wet squelch of my cunt and slapping of skin on skin accompanying the cacophony of our joined pleasure. I wailed, unable to keep up with the mounting climax, almost screaming on every thrust inlaid with little gasps, groans and cut off gibberish pouring out of my mouth. It felt as if my entire body lit up, the bliss becoming a little too much for me to properly register beyond “Oh god! Oh yes!” ringing through every inch of my very being.

Then Wooyoung’s hand moved to my tit again and squeezed and pinched the pierced nipple few times, even giving it some light slaps. My whole body seized up on a lightning strike of pleasure and the orgasm hit me like an actual truck, getting thrown over the edge so unexpectedly and with such force that I gave one last wheezing cry, mind blanking out and all I could register was the white ecstasy pouring through me, out of me, as if my entire body was made out of it, every nerve screaming with it.

Distantly I registered Wooyoung’s startled cries and moans, his hips jerking against mine quickly and erratically, his hands back on my hips tightening until I could feel his nails biting into my skin and was sure I’d have a nice set of imprints for at least the rest of the day. Then he stilled over me, cock pushed as deep inside as it could go, pulsing and throbbing as the cum poured out in thick spurts. His deep groan of satisfaction reverberated through my whole body since he was still pressed into my back tightly, letting me enjoy the moment with him.

As if invisible strings were cut, we both collapsed into the couch and hazily I realised I only stayed upright because Wooyoung was holding me so he could fuck me harder. After few minutes my mind slowly started coming back, body tiredly catching up, registering the pleasurable ordeal it just went through. I could feel my pussy throbbing, hot and wet from being thoroughly fucked and filled with Woo’s release, my hips hurting from the pounding. I was almost expecting to see bruises all over me.

For a few moments only laboured breathing was heard through the room as we both recovered, the haze gradually lifting, allowing us to come to terms with what had just happened between us. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel awkward at all. It may have been because I was still lying boneless, unable to speak from the force of the orgasm with Wooyoung’s softening cock still wedged deep inside of my pussy, but I found myself quite comfortable squished into the couch, feeling his shallow breaths in the crook of my neck and his thumping heart against my back. I wondered if he could feel mine, as it was beating just as wildly.

But the comfy silence was broken by the man himself, when he whistled and said: “Wow, I had no idea you could do that.” There was a little teasing undertone to his statement, but mostly I could detect only giddy wonder and pride.

“Do what?” my words still a little slurred, because I was still recovering the functions of my brain and fighting sleep, so deeply sated I could barely hold a full thought.

“Squirt,” Woo stated matter-of-factly, his hands beginning to gently caress my sides to help me come down. “Huh?” I said eloquently and turned to look at him. He just gave me a soft grin, eyes squinting in joy as he took in my state. “I did what?” the question was more rhetorical and I wasn’t even really talking to Wooyoung, rather I started to squirm trying to look down as if my pussy held the answer. And in some way it did. When I managed to lift up my hips a little, my whole body protesting and Wooyoung behind me grunting at the jostling of his soft cock, hands digging into my hips to try and hold me still, I saw that the couch beneath us was absolutely soaked. Slight panic seized me, I didn’t even know why, it was just a natural reaction of my tired brain to the information that apparently Wooyoung, my best friend, had made me squirt for the first time in my life, all over Seonghwa’s lovely sofa. Well, at least it did explain why the orgasm had been so fucking intense, feeling as if the soul left my body and astral projected into a parallel universe.

The squirming dislodged Wooyoung from me and a splat of his cum joined the already huge stain on the furnishing. Now I winced, realising that there was no way either of us was surviving this. Unceremoniously I plopped back down into the mess and turned to Wooyoung, who was sweaty and rosy-cheeked, watching me with amusement.

“Seonghwa is going to fucking murder us,” I muttered tiredly, already back to fighting sleep off now that I was lying again. I let my eyes fall shut and only heard Wooyoung’s answering laugh, only felt him get up from the couch and gently roll me over on my back. There was shuffling, rustling of clothes and footsteps around the living room, but I couldn’t find the strength to look at what was Woo doing, letting myself drift on the high and the aftershocks that were still coursing through me.

Wooyoung was humming somewhere in the apartment and then there was a gentle touch on my hip. I whined but let him do what he needed. A warm wet towel was pressed onto my stomach lightly in lieu of warning and I slowly opened my legs again, feeling the strain and the burn that just hurt so good. Woo tenderly cleaned me up with soft unhurried strokes, then helped me sit up against the pillows to try and put some clothes back on me.

I blearily opened my eyes and blinked at him. Wooyoung was kneeling on the floor in front of me wearing only his sweats and holding his black tee. When he saw I was back in the land of living, he slowly pulled it over my head and helped my arms into the sleeves. I was feeling all warm and fuzzy from his sudden softness, thoroughly enjoying this after-care, suddenly found myself overtaken by the violent need to cuddle and sleep it off, so I was just about to suggest that, when he suddenly sprung to his feet and pulled me up with him. I let myself be man-handled with only a slight surprised yelp, but suddenly standing I realised my legs still weren’t in working order, if my shaking buckling knees were anything to go by, so I just grabbed onto his shoulders and hoped he wouldn’t let me fall.

He didn’t. Another nicely warm towel was now wiping my butt of anything I had been sitting in, his hand gently patting it before putting me back onto the couch in the area that was dry.

I wanted to sleep, but I was too amused by the picture of Wooyoung standing in front of the huge wet stain with a deep thinking expression on his face, wracking his brain for anything to do about it. When a giggle escaped me, suddenly his eyes were on me with a mischievous glint.

“You made the mess and now you laugh at me when I’m trying to save our lives?” he asked jokingly, amusement lacing his tone. I giggled again and curled around one of the pillows, fully committed to watching the comedy unfold. Wooyoung just sighed and looked at the couch as if it murdered his first-born.

“I gotta come up with something before-“ his voice was cut off by the door suddenly opening and a commotion coming in. There were three voices happily chattering something and I could recognise the guys from that. With terror I met Wooyoung’s eyes the moment we registered Seonghwa as one of the voices. Before any of us could even move a muscle, the three men walked into the room and promptly froze in their tracks.

“Holy shit!” It was San who shouted that, but we were focused on the cacophony of emotion going through Seonghwa’s face seconds before he cried out “MY COUCH!!” on the top of his lungs. There was genuine anguish and betrayal in his voice before his eyes redirected from the stain to us with pure fury.

“Okay! Time to take a shower!” Wooyoung shouted and pulled me up, but ended up supporting my entire body when my knees buckled and I was balancing on shaking legs like a new-born fawn. From this angle I could see the pure amusement and approval on San’s face right next to the disgusted traumatised Yeosang. I blushed furiously and let Wooyoung drag me off to a bathroom, where he sat me gently on the toilet.

“I’m going back out,” he whispered with determination as if he was about to walk into a battlefield, leaving his wounded comrade in the safety, knowing there was only death outside. I snickered at him and he theatrically waved at me from the door, before walking out and shutting it behind him.

I could still fairly clearly hear everything go down though, especially when only moments later Yeosang popped in to give me my clothes and stuff I left on the table and didn’t close the door fully after him. My phone was vibrating like crazy, which could only mean San was already blessing the group chat with all the piping hot tea. I unlocked it and clicked on the notifs.

Mountain man: lolol woo and y/n fucked on the couch and completely ruined it

Princess: ew fuck you wooyoung

Muscle baby: i’ll never fucking use the living room again

Brat: 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

The situation unfolding in chat was interrupted by the scene that was going on in the living room in the real time.

“Calm down, I’ll think of something,” Wooyoung’s voice carried through, trying to console Hwa only to be followed by another shriek of “BUT MY COUCH!!”.

“Wow Wooyoung, I really thought better of you,” Sannie teased, adding oil to fire and I could clearly hear his laughs. No signs of Yeosang, but he was probably just standing there watching it all go down.

“I spent months picking it out!” the level of hysteria was steadily rising in Hwa’s voice and I really slowly started fearing for Woo’s life. “I’m gonna have it dry cleaned or something,” the said man offered only to be met with more shrieking.

“You better fucking throw that thing out, there’s no way I’m sitting on it after this,” San added very unhelpfully to the conversation, “especially since I saw the state of it.” There was a beat of silence during which I imagined Wooyoung was throwing daggers at San with his gaze for stirring more shit into it.

“I’ll buy a new one,” was his final plea and while it was met with some more grumbling and fake-crying, I could hear the situation calming down.

Captain: what the fuck is happening there when i’m not home

Mountain man: fornication

Demon angel: disgusting

M o t h e r: MY COUCH

M o t h e r: my amazing couch in the perfect shade of blue that i was looking for

M o t h e r: DEAD AND DEFILED

Puppy: i’ll help you look for a new one, hyung

Mountain man: wooyoung already agreed to buy a new one since he was the cause of the *suspiciously* large stain

Captain: no details

Captain: never any details

Captain: first rule of fight club

xoxo from hell: 🤔🤔

xoxo from hell: i think

Princess: oooh she breaks her silence

xoxo from hell: that a certain man here in this chat should rather shut up considering last week i walked in on him fucking a girl on the kitchen table

Brat: oop-

Mountain man: Y/N

Mountain man: NO

Demon angel: 🤮

Muscle baby: RIGHT WHERE WE EAT???!!!

Puppy: eat pussy apparently

Princess: nice

Captain: don’t encourage him

“MY KITCHEN TABLE?!” Seonghwa’s scream sounded through the flat just as Wooyoung slipped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him with a wide grin. Distantly I could hear San’s pleading and general chaos as Hwa no doubt started raining fury upon him.

“Nice save,” Wooyoung smirked at me and started ridding us of clothes so we could finally take the shower we both desperately needed. The feeling of the hot water hitting my spent and pleasantly aching body relaxed me and I sighed with content. I was basically ready to melt into a puddle right there, sleep slowly rearing its head back up, so I just went with the motion and let Woo soap us both up and rinse us, I let him dry me and put a fresh tee on me that I didn’t even notice he brought with him. I was just watching him with eyes half closed and a doped out smile on my face.

“You’re so cute like this,” Woo muttered as he led me through the hall to his room, amusement and fondness filling his voice with uncharacteristic gentle sweetness. Upon entering his room I immediately beelined for the bed and burrowed myself between the blankets and pillows. Woo rummaged around in his closet for a moment, but it was the only sound I could hear as the apartment suddenly fell almost eerily quiet.

“If I’m so cute now,” I finally mumbled out from underneath the cozy pile, “maybe you should fuck me more often then.” That had Wooyoung turning around to face me with a mischievous grin. “I fully intend to do that,” he said devilishly and jumped in with me. It took a bit of shuffling to get into a comfortable spooning position, but we were no strangers to cuddling each other, so it went rather smoothly.

Just as the sleep was claiming me and I felt myself getting pulled under, Woo suddenly perked up and said: “You don’t think the silence means hyung murdered San and now Yeosang’s helping him get rid of the body, right?” I snickered gently, but just swatted at him to lay back down.

“Well, he probably deserved it,” Woo muttered and snuggled in closer to me, letting the exhaustion finally lull us to sleep. And it was the most comfortable sleep I’ve had in a while, even if San potentially paid for it with his life.

Divider from the amazing @saradika-graphics 💜

A/N: hope you enjoyed yourself, don't be shy I'm always open to comments and asks!!

[pinkishplush]

Sweetest Revenge

"I can't believe this, shit!" I thought to myself as I watched Janis put Lard into some empty face cream container. They planned for Cady to give the false face cream to Regina. It was all a part of their master plan ever since Cady saw Aaron and Regina kiss.

Now don't get me wrong I also despise Regina in the slightest bit because I had the same interaction that Janis did with her but with me it was different. We were actually dating in secret for a little while before we settled on just being friends.

But one day I met someone new and we started dating. Regina publicly humiliated me and her, forcing her to move states after a few weeks of long distance dating she finally cut ties with me all because of my crazy ex.

Of course I didn't tell Janis and Damian about this. But after finding out about Janis situation I guess we just clicked. So yeah, I hated Regina but what they were doing was just wrong and I know exactly how Regina will take this and kindly isn't an option.

"Guys don't you think this is a little extreme. I mean come on Aaron is her ex so what if she still likes him?" I tried to reason as Janis continued filling the container. "Are you crazy, y/n? We all know Regina only kissed Aaron because she's spiteful and bitchy like that. She's knit picking at Cady." Janis said with a scoff.

I sighed softly "Ok, I get it we hate Regina but why ruin her high school life like this?" I asked for an exact reason, trying to shut down their plans knowing it would only back fire. "Like she ruined middle school for me and currently is ruining high school for us?!" Janis said as she put the lid on the container and handed it to Cady.

I looked at Damian for help but all he did was slide the glasses into his eyes. I rolled my eyes and slouched in my seat "You haven't been tortured by her like I have y/n. It's finally time for me to get back. So it's either you're in or out with the plan." Janis shrugged carelessly.

"And if I'm not in?" I asked "Then you can leave." Janis stated. I looked at her bewildered and scoffed at how careless she was to toss me to the side just so she could get back at Regina.

I stood up from the sofa and stormed out. I wasn't gonna just allow them to do this. I couldn't. Especially knowing that it could all backfire. Sure, Regina's spiteful and bitchy, but she always uses that to her advantage.

And they don't know just how those two words work in cahoots with each other. It makes her vengeful and when she's vengeful she does the unthinkable.

I stood at my locker watching as Cady took out a Kalteen bar from her locker. "Is she seriously planning on giving one to Regina?!" I frowned as I recalled the moment when she told us that they were used for gaining weight.

I have two options right now. I could either warn Regina that Cady was not the innocent new foreign kid that she thought she could embarrass easily or I could do this by myself on my own timing.

Since I cut off all conversation when Regina tried talking to me after my breakup other then our usual butchy remarks toward eachother. It would be weird to suddenly be friendly and just warn her. She would obviously think I'm lying so I decided to just do it undercover.

I watched as Cady closed her locker but then re-opened it, obviously forgetting something. I watched her put in the code to her locker intently. '6-3-5-3'. I watched as she slid the facial cream container out of her jacket and into the locker.

I continued to watch as she walked away with a smile on her face. When she was out of the clear I walked over to her locker and put in the code. I swapped out the facial cream with the same brand container but it contained the actual included contents.

I closed the locker and walked away like nothing happened. I walked down the hall and noticed Cady at the candy gram set up. After she left I made my way towards the girl sitting at the gram setup "Can I see that candy cane?" I asked.

The girl shrugged and handed me the candy cane. I read the paper and it was just as I suspected. Cady was faking as if she was given a gram by Regina. "One candy gram please." I asked as I handed the girl the gram back.

I didn't know who she was planning to tick off with the gram but I'm taking a wild guess and saying Gretchen she's the only one that could possibly tick off. So I wrote a candy gram out Gretchen acting as if it was from Regina 'To Gretchen the truest of true friends, XoXo bestie.' I wrote on the paper.

I handed it to the girl and walked off. Jesus this might be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I walked into the cafeteria and noticed Regina snatching a Kalteen bar from Cady's hand, looking at it in amazement. Cady must've told her it's for weight loss. I couldn't do anything about it because Cady was right there so I just sat down at my usual table.

After finishing my lunch. I continued on my merry way and walked past Janis and Damian who glared at me. It was obvious they knew what I was up to but it was all a part of the plan. My plan.

Fuck, everything was going so wrong. Regina just busted her ass on stage because of the weight she's been gaining from the Kalteen bars. A lot of people had their phones out and were recording.

I got up for my seat and ran to close the curtains. I knew it was probably too late as I listened to all the laughs from down below and watched all the flashing lights go off.

I sighed before heading to leave the auditorium. Maybe everything will be fine tomorrow....

[doyouknowbtsswag]

Hiii, hruuuu i loved your chishiya fic and wanted to request a chishiya imagine/oneshot where he tries to fluster YOU but it backfires and he gets flustered and embarrased and shy (unnecessary detail but the reader is also rlly quiet and is good at manipulating and stuff like that)

Also, no rush, hope ur gonna write this and hope your doing well, eating,drinking and sleeping well, love youuu byeee<33

Playboy |Chishiya|

I am so sorry it’s been so long since this was requested hopefully you like it😭

The sound of loud party music and people messing around could be heard miles away. The people around me to hyper for their own good and the alcohol they were drinking wasn't helping. I awkwardly sat on one of the sun chairs annoyed at the current outfit I was wearing if it counts as one. The stupid bikini I had to wear that showed off almost everything on my body. I saw a guy coming over near the group of people in front of me ready to attack them with water. I quickly got up from the chair and wandered around to find somewhere water-free which was inside. I cringed walking past the bar filled with people drunk out of their minds and doing the most vulgar things that belonged in private. I walked faster through the halls not wanting to take the risk of bumping into Niragi. I internally gagged at the thought of him in general. I stayed by myself the whole time I've been in borderland not wanting to cling to someone and then lose them. I opted on going up to the roof knowing no one would party up there. The breeze countered the stuffy feeling downstairs. The smell of alcohol and smoke leaving my nose and having a fresh smell. I leaned against the railing looking out to the sea. I smiled thinking about what my life will be like after Borderland and I don't intend on dying anytime soon.

I play the game as if it was Chess. I collect my allies as if they're my pawns once I don't need them I knock them off the board. The day I ended up here was bittersweet. I need a reliable pawn so I can make my way up to one day get rid of the people in my way to beat the game and one of the people who are in my way so far is that bastard Niragi and the militants who are nothing but assholes. Once that happens I'll get them in my clutch and knock them off my board and make sure they shatter. I groaned in annoyance hearing the door open thinking two people were up here to hook up.

"I didn't see you come up here," a girl said as I glanced over my shoulder.

"I've been up here" I shrugged in an unbothered tone. "It's a nice spot" I turned around to see who it was.

"I can't blame you," the familiar face said. I've seen her multiple times and played a game or two with her.

Perfect pawn

"What's your name again? We've played quite a few games together It's funny we've never exchanged names" I gave a fake smile.

"Kuina"

"Oh, I've never seen him before," I said casually nodding to the mysterious guy.

"Chishiya," He said giving an unbothered grin.

Another pawn

"Nice to meet you," I said a little pissed at his perfect grin that matched his face perfectly.

I walked a bit closer so I wasn't so far from the pair but I stood at a comfortable distance from them. However, the blonde seemed amused by the interaction.

"So what brings you up here?" I asked watching and listening to them carefully.

"Why should we tell you?" Chishiya said with his hands in his pockets.

He's confident

"Just wondering since I'm planning on staying up here" I crossed my arms.

"You will eventually so don't worry about it"

Stop with the smug smile

"Maybe I will or maybe I won't" I shrugged.

"So Y/n how've you been?" Kuina asked derailing the topic.

"I've been fine just hanging around" I shrugged. "Not much to do"

"Your right about that"

"Not much of a party girl huh?" The blonde piped in as if he wanted to piss me off.

"Not really I'm not interested in getting wasted when I have to play games to survive wouldn't be smart would it?"

"Your right about that" He moved his head to the side chuckling. "You just look like a party girl"

"Oh really?" I uncrossed my arms. "How so?"

"Your swimsuit and the way you have your hair"

Is he trying to flirt with me or catch me off guard?

"So we're going by looks"

"Maybe," He said confidently.

I walked closer to him till we were shoulder to shoulder.

"Then I guess you look like a playboy" I whispered in his ear. "Thanks for the compliment earlier by the way”

I didn't have to look at his face to see his cheeks tinted red. The way his body tensed up told me I won the silent confidence battle.

"I'll leave you two to talk about whatever you need to talk about" I walked to the roof door to get back down. I waved goodbye seeing Kuina's confused look and Chishiya's mouth wide open. "Oh and don't die" I winked and grinned walking downstairs.

[sourcherryandsprinkles]

Hi can I request Tara Carpenter x fem reader smut where Sam catches them in the act.

Warnings: smut, fingering, getting caught

my taglists are here (I added one for SCREAM) + you can requests here at any time

—

Sam was out at an appointment with her therapist and Quinn was on a tinder date — well, a sex date.

After the latter left, Tara wasted no time turning off her laptop, see you later Babadook, and smashing her mouth to yours. The kiss knocked the wind out of you and you fell back against her pillows, causing the two of you to laugh.

Since the events of Woodsborro, Sam had become very protective of her sister. She had difficulty trusting new people and allowing anyone close to her sister, which annoyed the hell out of Tara. She was nineteen, she didn’t need a person breathing down her neck.

Sam knew you and Tara were friends, but she didn’t know you were girlfriends. Tara wanted to keep the girl part of girlfriends a secret from her sister, knowing she would flip if she knew. Just because her last boyfriend was a psychopath murderer didn’t mean Tara had the same luck.

‘’Did you bring it?’’ Tara whispered, breaking the kiss but keeping her forehead flushed against yours, her breath hot against your lips.

You hummed. ‘’In my bag.’’

An excited grin spread on her lips and she kissed you again.

She was talking about the purple bullet vibrator she saw in your dorm a few days ago. You had forgotten to put it away in the drawer after using it, and Tara’s eyes fell on it with interest and curiosity. She picked it up and looked at you with a shy smile.‘’Can you use it on me?’’

The sexual side of Tara's life was fairly new to her, but she was very interested in learning, whether it was about herself and what she liked and didn’t like, or how to please her partner. Fortunately for her, you were more experienced and happy to teach and guide her.

You slipped from under Tara and fetched your bag to get the small object that would soon have her whimpering on her bed and begging you to let her cum.

When you returned to the bed, Tara tried to snatch it from you, but you slipped it in your pocket and shook your head at her. ‘’Not yet.’’

She let out a whine of protest. ‘’But I’m so horny, please.’’ Her lips pursed into a pout, but you didn't give in. A sigh left her lips, annoyed. ‘’Fine. If…if you don’t want to play, I’ll play with myself. I don’t need your help.’’ Tara peeled off her blue shirt, tossing it at you to emphasize her frustrations, and moved to her jeans.

She was wearing a matching bra and panties, the light pink color looking pretty on her. Fuck. Your plan was starting to backfire.

Before Tara could get her hand beneath her panties and touch herself, you pinned her hand down, changing your mind. She looked up at you, her dark brown irises filled with desire as they found yours. Without breaking eye contact, you pressed a kiss to her bare knee, then slowly pried her legs open and spread her open for you. She hummed in approval, your thumb pressing against her clothed clit, causing a gasp to leave her lips.

‘’Hmm, baby, you're so wet for me,’’ you pointed out, feeling her arousal seeping through the delicate fabric.

‘’I’m always this wet for you,’’ she replied with a glint in her eyes. Tara pushed herself against your hand, eager for you to do something. ‘’Please touch me.’’

She was so pretty when she begged.

You ran a finger up her thigh, and to her covered slit. Tara’s hips automatically bucked up when your finger grazed against her clit, an embarrassingly needy whimper leaving her mouth.

When you first started getting sexually involved with Tara, you didn’t think she would love it that much. It was so cute how horny she was all the time, always trying to get her hands on you and vice versa.

Although she wasn't shy to ask for sex, she was still shy — and insecure — about some things. Like the scars on her body, forever reminders of the night her life turned into a nightmare, or how small she was.

Reaching in your back pocket, you retrieved the vibrator and turned it on. The buzzing sound filled the room and Tara almost jumped in excitement, her legs having minds of their own and spreading wider. You got your hand between her legs, pressing the vibrator right against her clit for the first time, eliciting a mix between a cry and a moan.

You drew the vibrator back for a few seconds, then pressed it against her clit again, this time longer.

Tara's head fell back to the pillow, a loud gasp left her lips at the feeling, her hips bucking up into your hand. ‘’Fuck, this feels so good.’’

Her teeth pulled at her bottom lip as one hand reached her covered breasts and freed one breast from its cup so she could play and pinch her nipple.

‘’You look so fucking beautiful like that,’’ you praised, starting to feel a throbbing between your legs.

You upped the setting a notch, sending Tara into a complete frenzy. She was a mess, mewling and whimpering beneath you, and you hadn’t even taken off her panties yet. You pulled the fabric to the side, exposing her already wet pussy and you almost moaned at the sight.

You slipped a finger between her folds. It was easily sliding in and out, coated with Tara's slick. She was so wet that you added a second finger, making the familiar coil in Tara’s stomach become tighter and tighter.

‘’Oh my god— Yes!’’ she cried, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. She grinded against the vibrator, whining as she gripped the sheets beneath her finger tips. ‘’I think I’m gonna cum. I think— Ah! I’m gonna—’’

Caught up in the moment, neither of you heard the appartement door opening or the hallway floorboards creak under Sam’s boots or the short knock on Tara’s bedroom door before it opened and Sam walked in as if it was her own. Usually, when people knock they wait for an answer before entering, but she didn’t care about that policy.

‘’Hey Tara, have you seen my— Oh my god.’’

Sam’s voice broke the moment and both of your heads snapped toward the door.

Mortified, Tara’s very exposed and vulnerable body froze, her close orgasm forgotten, her eyes growing so wide you thought they were gonna jump out. ‘’Sam!’’ she sputtered out at her sister at the same time Sam turned around and walked out, repeating ‘I didn’t see anything’ over and over.

—

Scream taglist: @misfityanii @beautybyfire @iluvscream191 @mariposa555 @bella7866 @o638 @lulubelle14 @luvvtxinityy @frasersgf

All and more taglist: @spiokybirdstarfish @kenqki @liidiaaag @hawkegfs  @gillybear17  @areaderinlove @acornacreacure @black-rose-29 @fudge13 @cece05 @rosie-cameron @Caxddce @laylasbunbunny @gemofthenight @beautyb1ade  @hi-bored-as-fcuk-rn

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling my partners I'm a system?

💚🐻

To preface this, I don't use Tumblr and I'm using my partner's account, so I would rather ask this anonymously. Forgive any non-tumblr-isms 😅.

This happened a while ago, but to be honest I can't let this go. I feel so horrible about it despite being reassured and I figured Tumblr, who has a lot of systems/people with DID/OSDD, would be able to give me an unbiased (as much as I can give an unbiased account, anyway) answer.

I, (24M), am a system with one headmate, P, (??). (Neither of us are sure how old he is, since it seems to change on the day). I don't want to get into exactly how I got him, but I believe the term for what we are is "traumagenic"? Sorry, again, I'm not really familiar with everything.

Anyway, I've had him since I was 8, and he's been... well, a real pain in the ass, to be frank. I understand now that he's a defender by nature and was trying to protect us, but when you get expelled from middle school for several physical attacks and almost get sent to juvie you start to resent the guy a bit. He's a bit like a sleeping bear, except if the sleeping bear had one eye open and killed you before you could hurt him.

Back when I got out of my abuser's house and went no contact at age 20, I moved in with my current partners, Bonfire (24M) and Greenhouse (25NB) (names changed for privacy, obviously.) At the time I didn't know them, but they were looking for another roommate and I desperately needed somewhere to live.

So I moved in with just the clothes on my back and my wallet (bad move, I know, but I didn't have anything anyway). I didn't care to interact with them all that much, not wanting P to get defensive and attack them for no reason, but they just kept pushing and eventually I relented and hung out with them some.

"Some" turned to "often," and then "often" turned into "sleeping-in-their-bed-and-sharing-our-clothes." At that point I was too far into it and embarrassed to admit I'd been hiding a whole other person from them in my mind. I wasn't sure if they'd even like me after, what with P's history of violence.

...so I never told them. I did my best to forget about anything that ever happened and tried to just enjoy the future I'd always wanted for myself. Bonfire and Greenhouse are lovely people and I was finally, maybe just a little happy. I'd never been a happy person and I was content to bask in it for as long as I was able.

This, of course, backfired immensely. P and I didn't have the best relationship at the time, with both of us wanting to do very extreme things to get away from the other. He wanted to kick me out and be by himself in my body, and I wanted to kill myself to be rid of him. We've since reconciled and made strides in accepting ourself for who we are- it hasn't been easy by any means, but that isn't the point.

I recognize now that he was afraid of being hurt again, not wanting to get out of that survival mindset in case Greenhouse and Bonfire turned out to be super-secret mega abusers taking advantage of our trust, but I also know what he did after was wrong.

He got physical with Bonfire, screaming at him and threatening to kill him if he got any closer. I don't have any memory of this happening, so some details may be incorrect, and I apologize for that. Bonfire, not knowing that P was not, in fact, me, (coupled with the fact that he's a fucking idiot (meant with affection)), he got closer and tried to talk me (him) down. P punched him in the face and broke his nose, after which he ran out of the house and left me to "wake up" a few miles away curled up under a tree.

P left me a note a few days later that said he didn't mean to break his (Bonfire's) nose, but that he was lucky he hadn't done worse. This, in P speak, is probably the most sincere apology I could get at the time.

To try and keep this as short as possible, I'll summarize what happened next. I told Bonfire and Greenhouse about P because at that point the cat was basically out of the bag. They said they'd wished I'd told them sooner, and that they were a little uncomfortable being in the same house as "the lean, mean, stabbing machine" (- Bonfire) but that they were willing to help me manage him if I promised to tell them everything I knew about how he worked.

I did, and it's been years since then, and now P and I are, as stated before, closer than ever. I recently asked my partners whether or not they were still upset with me for not telling them, and they just said that they weren't entitled to my medical history and trauma (which, yeah, but he did break Bonfire's nose) and that they didn't care because, "hey, we basically got a free dog out of it" (- Bonfire), and "we made a promise to love you, including all the less-than-savory parts." (- Greenhouse).

Sweet, yes, but I think I might be TA because, um, P LITERALLY BROKE BONFIRE'S NOSE AND THREATENED TO KILL HIM? AND IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF I HAD TOLD THEM?

TL;DR: I didn't tell my partners about my headmate that's prone to violence and he did violence on them and I feel bad.

AITA?

(P says hi, by the way, and he also wants me to tell you that he isn't like this anymore and much prefers soft blankets and eating fruit to breaking his family's noses.)

What are these acronyms?

[kirikiss]

Midoriya's Miscalculated Misfortune

🝮 In an attempt to connect with his class, Mr. Midoriya participates in a class training! Will he be able to handle it? 🝮 no warnings. continue reading under the cut. not proofread... I don't even know what this is.

As the class filed into the room, a palpable sense of anticipation filled the air. Izuku stood at the front, eager to share the news. “As some of you may know, today marks your first official training session! You will be paired into groups of three, based on the compatibility of your quirks. Each group will face off against a teacher in a simulated battle scenario. The objective is simple: each of you must secure one flag from your opponent within a ten-minute time limit,” he explained, his tone brimming with enthusiasm.

The room buzzed with murmurs of excitement, the students clearly thrilled at the prospect of training with pro heroes. One student raised her hand, her curiosity piqued. “Which teachers will we be up against?”

“Excellent question,” Izuku replied, smiling. “We have five teachers participating. To ensure fairness, the students who scored the highest on the entrance exam will go first, ensuring the teachers are at their peak performance when sparring with them. This allows everyone to get a fair shot. The teachers you'll be facing are Present Mic, Ectoplasm, Eraserhead, Cementoss, and finally, myself!”

A heavy silence fell over the room, replacing the earlier excitement. Izuku noticed the shift, his brow furrowing slightly in confusion. ‘Strange, I thought they’d be more excited…’

“Mr. Midoriya, are you sure this is the best idea? Ever since… you know,” a student asked hesitantly, concern lacing their voice.

“Yeah, it's like kicking a dog while it's down, isn’t it?” another added, their tone uncertain.

“Should we start drafting apology letters now or wait until after your lesson backfires?” someone muttered under their breath, eliciting a few nervous chuckles.

Izuku, however, remained unfazed. His smile widened as he addressed the class. “Even though I lost my quirk, I’ve never stopped training as if I still had it. I’ll give it my all! I’m ready for whatever challenges you bring!” he declared in his signature happy-go-lucky tone. Maybe his all wasn't enough.

The students made their way to the training grounds, eager to prove themselves to these heroes. First up were three students against Present Mic. Izuku stood in the corner, taking notes on each student's abilities and areas for improvement.

“WOAH HO HO, ARE YOU STUDENTS READY TO ROCK?” Present Mic's voice boomed across the arena. His signature blonde hair spiked as if he'd just held up an umbrella to lightning. He wore a confident grin, his hands on his hips as he surveyed the three students who would be his challengers.

“WoAh ho hO,” one student mocked. “Did Mr. Midoriya put us up against Santa?” another added to the banter. Present Mic saw through their game. “Psyching me out, huh? That’s not gonna work, little ones!”

The three students stood in a loose formation, trying to draw up a plan. One of them tried to offer encouragement. “Hey guys, we got this! Just… try not to let him yell too much.” Easier said than done.

As the battle reached its peak, the students were feeling pretty good about themselves. They had managed to snag two flags, and Present Mic was finally starting to look like he might be sweating—just a little. Sensing victory within reach, they regrouped for one last coordinated assault.

“Okay, this is it! We’re gonna take him down!” a student declared, a confident grin on his face.

Present Mic noticed their determined expressions and couldn’t help but chuckle. “YOU KIDS ARE GREAT, BUT LET’S TURN UP THE VOLUME A NOTCH!” The students braced themselves for another ear-shattering scream or some kind of pitch-based attack. What they did not expect was for him to spin around and amplify a colossal fart.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” one student screamed.

“IT SMELLS LIKE LITERAL SHIT! DID YOU POOP YOURSELF?” another shouted in horror.

“WHAT DID YOU EVEN EAT? OH MY GOSH!” a third gagged, clutching their nose.

As Present Mic walked away, he let out a celebratory toot, and the students couldn’t help but notice his pants sagging suspiciously in the back. “THAT’S THE SWEET STENCH OF DEFEAT, KIDS! SMELL YA LATER!” he declared with a grin.

Izuku, watching from the sidelines, was definitely not expecting that. Trying to recover, he addressed the class. “Well, everyone! In hero work, you’ve got to learn to expect the unexpected. Good effort, Group A! I hope this scrimmage helped you understand how to better use your quirks in combat,” he said, giving his evaluations as he prepped for his turn.

A few more groups went before his. Ectoplasm managed to win the scrimmage with no flags being captured. Eraserheads weapon was used against him, allowing the students to capture all his flags. Next in the lineup was Izuku. The three students he faced were pretty strong.

The first female student had the quirk Memory Imprint. She was able to gain knowledge of the item or person she touched, but it only lasted for five minutes. Her plan involved touching Mr. Midoriya. She didn’t have to go for the flag, just attempt to graze him. From then on, she could use her quirk to gain the knowledge Mr. Midoriya was thinking—strategies that were impossible to evade. Using one of his thought-out strategies, she captured a flag without a hitch.

“Good job! You two still have to capture a flag, so don’t hold back!” Izuku encouraged. ‘Easy A,’ the next student thought to himself. His quirk was strength-based. He had an immense amount of power in his punch, and when he wound his arms up, the power amplified. As the other students were busy fighting, he wound up his arm fifty times.

By this time, Izuku was feeling a bit cocky. He had managed to dodge a few hits from the third student, who hadn’t resorted to using her quirk yet. “What’s wrong, Group D? Are you going to let the teacher without a quirk bea—” he was abruptly cut off by an uppercut to the stomach. The hit was so hard that the vibrations made one of his front teeth fall out. He also coughed up a bit of blood.

Ectoplasm, who was still observing the fight, called out in concern, “Hey Midoriya, do you want to call it?”

The fool called back, “No! This is a learning experience. I want to see how strong each of my students are, so let’s continue!” He offered a toothy—or now toothless—grin. ‘A punch like that should've knocked him out. Hell, if that was me, I’d fake faint,’ Ectoplasm thought, replaying the punch in his head.

The student took this as a challenge and decided to up the ante. With a flick of her wrist, she summoned a bed of snow that spread rapidly across the arena. Before Izuku could react, she made it rain. Drenched and now standing on an icy patch, Izuku slipped immediately onto his back, knocking all the air out of him. To be honest, the students were enjoying this a bit more than they wanted to admit. The weathering student went to retrieve her flag. Izuku tried to get up, but his attempts only resulted in failure. The strength-based student wound up his arm ten times and punched the ground with tremendous force. Izuku, in mid-fall, extended his arms to cushion himself but instead ended up breaking them on the icy surface. Battered, bruised, and toothless, Izuku was a sorry sight. It reminded him exactly of middle school. Izuku started tearing up in pain, waiting for the last student to take his flag so it could be over. He oddly craved the feeling of Recovery Girl’s dry lips over his cuts, making them feel all better. This daydream led to him passing out.

“Oh my gosh, Mr. Midoriya, I am SO SORRY, are you okay?” His hearing was so muffled he could barely hear his student walk in. At that point, he had already woken up, but his eyes were so puffy and bruised it made him look like they were closed.

“Man, I guess I really did a number on him. He told us not to hold back, but I only used 5% of my power.” The other two students who had sparred with him joined in.

“Yeah, same here! I only used a harmless ice sheet, but it took him out too.”

Embarrassed, Izuku took advantage of his puffy eyes and pretended to remain unconscious. He made a mental note for next time: do NOT participate in class training.

[bullet-clubs-bitch]

Eat The Acid II

Summary: It had been 14 months since the fight, the worst 14 months of her life and finally she thought now was the right time to share her side of the story but all she can think about is the return of CM Punk at survivor series not even 48 hrs ago. What happens when she reminds him of the fact he's going back to a promotion that fired him on their wedding day?

Word count: 2,538

Warnings include: Swearing, violence, toxic relationships, manipulation and those kinds of things 

Part 1 Part 3 Main Masterlist CM Punk Masterlist

Inspired by "Eat The Acid" by Kesha

Survivor series 

I knew I would keep quiet when all of the news of what happened at All Out went public. I knew I would say something stupid or let my emotions get the best of me. I can’t believe I stayed out of it for over a year, this was me breaking my silence. Phill and I had filed for divorce months ago, only now getting the paperwork started. I felt anxious as I sat in the chair, it reminded me of the one that got thrown during the fight. Renee Paquette invited me on her podcast to talk about my career and how things were going. She knew about the divorce before Phill got served so with my permission we would talk about the situation. Figuring it had been the right time to finally hear my side of the story. At this point everyone knew, in fact they couldn't stop talking about it. Dying to know my thoughts, feeling bad for me after what happened. We both knew what could happen, how this would backfire, but I told myself I would never speak bad about Phill, sure he was my ex-husband but I could never say the things he said about me, about him. 

“So Y/n, I know you have some things you would like to get off your chest” Renee said “The floor is yours” 

I felt my heart rate increase, I grew anxious. It wasn’t like this was a live recording, this was me and Renee in the comfort of her and Jon’s home. Sitting with two microphones, creating a recording we could do multiple takes of or even cut things out. I looked at Renee and she gave me a comforting smile, assuring me things would be ok. 

“So, I’m sure by now you must have heard that CM Punk and I are getting a divorce” I knew we were getting divorced, but every time I said it outloud my mind couldn't comprehend that it was real. “This was a really hard decision but I really didn’t know what else to do Renee. I tried, I tried so hard…I..I just can’t do it anymore. It’s unfortunate because I really loved Phill and a part of me will always still love him. The whole situation ruined my family, I can’t even look at him the same after what happened. I really didn’t want to get a divorce but it was the best option.” 

I looked to Renee who said nothing, offering a warm smile encouraging me to continue but I couldn't focus. All I could think about was the event that took place less than 48 hours ago.

I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus then rolled over by a train. My body was sore, I wrestled Full Gear a few days prior and felt fine despite having one of the most grueling fights of my career. It wasn’t until I woke up Thursday morning after I wrestled on Dynamite the night before that I felt it. It was weird walking up in Chicago alone, I spent many years here with Phill, it just felt wrong without him. I knew survivor series would be happening in a few days, finding it funny how AEW and WWE were both in Chicago less than 3 days apart. I decided to stay the week in Chicago wanting to catch up with old friends I haven’t seen in years.

Half asleep and in pain I heard my phone ring. After struggling to find it, lost in the mess that was my hotel room I answered the call half asleep, not even bothering to see who it was before I picked it up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi” the voice on the other line was soft, so quiet that I almost didn’t hear the response 

“Who is this?” I responded, climbing back into the warm sheets 

“It’s me” the voice said a bit louder this time 

“Oh hi, Phill. What’s up?” I asked him, oddly calm, almost like nothing happened between us

“I need to talk to you, It’s important” He said quietly 

I didn’t know what was going on but I knew it must have been important. “Is everything alright?” I asked 

“Can you stop by sometime today, this is an in person type of conversation” I agreed to his offer, deciding to go to our once shared Chicago home to figure out what was going on. 

***

I stood on the steps of our once shared home, debating whether or not to ring the doorbell. It felt weird, like this was a foreign space despite all of the memories I’ve had here. When I entered the home I noticed it looked the same as it did the last time I was here. The only thing different was my missing items. I sat down on the couch agreeing to a coffee as I watched a very anxious Phill Brooks make two coffees. “So, tell me what’s bothering you” I told him honestly as I grabbed the mug from his hands, placing it on a handmade coaster I made years ago. A smile on my face noticing he kept it. “I’m coming back” was all he said and I knew exactly what he meant.

I didn’t know what to say, my throat was dry, my brain unable to form a thought. “No one knows, only Hunter and I know. I thought you should know about it and in person” He said softly trying to read the non existing expression on my face. He didn’t say anything waiting for me to speak knowing how I can struggle with expressing my emotions. 

“I don’t know what to say. How is this even possible?” I asked unable to comprehend how after everything he would return to a promotion that made him want to kill himself. “I remember when they fired you on our wedding day. Do you remember that, how that made you feel? How you swore to never wrestle again, never mind return to the enemy? You shit on WWE for years, not even six months ago you were talking about how horrible that place is and now you're coming back?” 

“I can’t believe it either love, if Hunter and I can make up I have hope that we might be able to make things right. I promise I will explain everything but I don’t even know what’s going on.  I know you don’t love me and that’s fine but I just thought you should know about it”

I could feel the tears fall from my face, I didn’t know why I was crying but I was. I felt betrayed, I felt like this was personal even though I knew it wasn’t. I had been by his side for the past 10 years. I remember when he told me he was miserable at work, I remember when he called me in the middle of the night when I was in Japan to tell me about the pipe bomb he dropped. I remember how they fired him moments after we said I do, I remember being by his side when he told me he wanted to start UFC, I remember being so proud of him despite his loss, I remember the tears we shared as I mended his wounds. I remember when he told me he wanted to start wrestling again, I was by his side through his whole stint in AEW. So hearing he was going back to a company that almost killed him, killed me, feeling like I had been living a lie. 

All I wanted to do was cry, over what I’m not sure exactly. Maybe it was the return, maybe it was about the fight, maybe it was the fact that he didn’t fight for us. I felt like a small child, I just wanted to cry and have Phill hold me like how he used to but that was wrong. That was then and this is now, when I looked at the man who sat across from me I saw the old Phill. Something inside him had changed, his hair starting to grow out, the gray in his beard returning, the love in his eyes. This was the man I fell in love with. 

I could tell that he wanted to hug me, he still knew me and he knew what I needed, he always did. He didn’t know what to do so I did it for him. “Can I have a hug?” I asked him softly ashamed of how vulnerable I was. “Of course love”

We stayed like that for a while, holding each other in a loving embrace, in a comfortable silence, neither one of us wanting to let go but knowing it was wrong. There was something so comforting about it, being back in the place I called home, with the man I onced loved, lying on an old couch that was falling apart but neither of us wanted to replace. It was like old times, I felt at peace, I was scared, terrified but this told me that things would be okay. 

Phill was the first to break the silence “You have no idea how much I missed this” he said softly as he began to draw shapes on my back, something that never failed to calm me. If anything it made things worse, it was too much. Everything felt too normal. He must have noticed that I had gotten more upset as he let go. “I’m sorry, this is too much isn’t it?” he asked. I didn’t respond. 

“What’s wrong Y/n?” He knew I was thinking about something. “What if I made a mistake?” I told him truthfully. To be quite honest up until this very moment I was still mad at him. 

“This doesn’t feel real Phill. Up until half an hr ago I still hated you but us sitting here in a home we used to share, this old couch, fuck you even kept all of my artwork. This feels too normal. You know that things can never go back to the way they were, I’m sorry but I can’t forget that fight. Do you even realize the long lasting effects that has left on me and everyone involved. You know I don’t care about that Perry one, you know that I thought he deserved it but for god sakes Phillip I watched you beat the shit out of my own brothers. There is something about this that feels too good to be true. It feels wrong, I miss you, I miss you so much, but I also hate you so much that I fucken love you. You just had to fight The Elite, why not The Dark Order or JAS, why me? Why after 10 years of loving it is all being thrown away after a silly little fight you started?” 

With every word I said I could see the guilt in his eyes, it was almost like he wanted to cry but didn’t want to show the vulnerability. “My love, I have tried everything to make things right, I know neither of us truly want this divorce but like you said it’s what's best. I’m sorry I didn’t fight hard enough for us, I thought it would have made things worse but by me doing nothing created damage I can never repair. If it means anything I will personally apologize to both Matt, Nick and Kenny, fuck I’ll even apologize to your dad. I know he always hated me”

“What about Adam?” I cut him off “This whole thing started over your hatred for him. You never once apologized to him.  Did you see his match with Swerve? That’s what he has to do to get the fans back behind him after you destroyed that cowboys career for no reason” 

“Y/n?......Y/n?.... You alright?” Renee called out, breaking me from my trance 

“Oh yeah I’m fine. Just thinking” I responded 

“We can wait, we don’t have to do this now. I know there’s alot going on” She told me reassuringly 

“I’m just still trying to process everything that has happened Renee” I told her as I looked at the grandfather clock that sat across from me reading 7:40 pm. “Raw’s on soon, do you think I should watch it, see what he has to say?” I asked Renee as I began nervously twisting my hair. 

“It’s up to you. I don’t want to be rude when I say this or anything but we both know he will probably talk shit about everyone during whatever it is that he has to say” Renee was right, Punk had a thing for shitting on his former employers and friends, I know this time would be no different. Knowing that The CM Punk would be on Raw tonight just felt weird, it was almost 10 years since he was fired. Even though I knew about his return it was way different hearing him say it then seeing it with my own two eyes. 

Since I  knew about the return, why was I in such shock once I heard his theme play. It was indeed real, the fans going crazy as the impossible was made possible. Chicago's son was home, home in the WWE almost 10 years later. My emotions were all over the place, on one hand I was excited, so proud of him like I always would be. The other part was scared, scared of the impact this would have on AEW, sure ratings were down but how could you compete with the return of Randy Orton and CM Punk in the same night. Part of me felt betrayed, after everything I did for him for what All Elite Wrestling did just to get stabbed in the back and join the other place. Another  part of me wished I was there, hidden within the crowd, in some disguise being able to immerse myself within the crowd, getting to experience one of his returns in person once more. Looking into his eyes you could tell that this is what he needed, he was truly home. He was happy, still in shock himself that he was back in a company that not even six months ago still had him banned.

I thought about what Phill told me earlier, ‘If Hunter and I can make up I have hope that we might be able to make things right.’ After that talk I couldn't get him off my mind. I knew if  he wanted he could just use that Chick Magnet charm and I would come running back but I needed to remind myself of the pain he caused me. How the past 14 months of my life had been an absolute hell. Everyday I look in the mirror and am shocked that I made it out alive, how somehow I was strong enough to tell that little voice in my head to shut up. I knew that chasing the feelings that were coming back was a suicide mission. I knew I shouldn't watch Raw but here I am getting home just in time to find my ex lover on the screen. I mean how bad could it be? 

[idontplaytrack]

Backfired

Capri Donahue x fem!reader(college/living together AU)

Warnings: accidental consumption of prescribed medication, smut- kissing, fingering(both receiving), spanking(reader receiving), use of pet names(both receiving), a bit of degradation(reader receiving). Reader discretion is advised.

In which Capri’s prank on reader backfires when reader accidentally grabs the wrong water bottle on her way out one morning

Requested? Yes / No

Capri’s curiosity was piqued a couple weeks ago when she passed by a rowdy group of guys saying a whole bunch of shit about their friend who couldn’t get it up. And how that guy used Viagra. That guy, was in one of her classes. Before Capri knew it, she was looking up facts about said medication to see how it works, but more so how and if it would work on women. And if it could work on women. After a week of scouring the internet, Capri went up to the guy to ask to buy one off him. Capri thought the money would keep him from saying anything- it did. Besides, it’s not like anyone knew Capri was dating someone.

While you were still sound asleep, Capri woke up early to work out- but also to put her plan into action. The guy told her this was a sublingual type, which she could dissolve in water. Though it wasn’t a sure-thing that it’d even work, Capri still decided to go for it, she drops half a pill into her water bottle after flavouring her water to help with the supposed bitterness. She screwed the bottle shut and gave it a bit of a shake, then Capri drank some of it before putting the bottle down. Awhile later, you were up to get ready for class. And before she knew it, you were ready to go. “Babe, I can’t find my bottle. Can I just take yours?”

She heard while she was on the toilet. Her eyes widened in shock as she scrambled outside to stop you but it was too late. You’d already drank the water. Typically of course, she wouldn’t mind if you used her water bottle. And you wouldn’t mind of she’d used use yours. But of course right now, it may pose you a bit of a problem if it worked on you. “Sure.” She tries to answer as calmly as possible. “Hey, how long’s your class again?”

“Three hours but we usually get to go early. I just have the one class today.” You told her.

“Okay.” Capri nodded, “I don’t have class today so I’ll be home catching up on some sleep.”

“Good for you.” You giggled, “See you in a few hours, babe.” Capri smiles, pressing a kiss to your cheek before you left.

Capri could only hope that you could get through your class, feeling the way she does right now, she felt bad she subjected you to the effects of the medication when she was the one supposed to be getting all of it, so that it would come in handy for after you got back from class. She didn’t hear anything from you for the full three hours so she assumed it went by alright. Until you came home and she saw you. “What the hell do you have in your water, Capri?”

Uh oh.

“I was supposed to be at the library for at least two hours after class to study. I couldn’t because I’m feeling like horny fucking bastard.”

“I didn’t expect you to already take a sip out of my bottle. I was supposed to be the one drinking all of that to prank you by hopefully being clingy.” She explained, “I’m sorry. You have every right to be mad at me. That was too much.”

“Actually, it’s about time I let myself relax.” You shushed her.

She arched a brow, squinting at you, “Are you saying-”

“Aren’t you?” You looked at her the same way.

“Alright, baby.” She motions for you to sit on her lap, and you complied. “Do you think I can make you come just with my hands, y/n?”

“I dunno, let’s try.” You shrug while cupping her face and kissing her softly. Capri practically attacks you with a rough kiss and invaded your mouth with her tongue. The intensity of it makes you moan already, since you have been feeling the effects of the water all morning. It wasn’t hard for you to make you feel like you needed a lot more, a lot faster. In fact, her kisses alone had you grinding on nothing as your ass sat on her lap.

Capri laughs, shifting you onto the couch as she instantly sat in a butterfly stretch pose. Holy fuck does she know how to make you feel like a touched-starve little slut. You saw the look in her eyes as she reached down the front of your shorts and started to stimulate your clit. She was very gentle, so as much as it felt good, it wasn’t nearly enough stimulation to make you get closer to your high. However, she was now having her legs wide open to give her own clit some attention while you watched. Seeing Capri biting her lip drove you nuts and you soon found yourself doing the same to take a bit of the edge off. “No, no, no.” She smacked your hand and you whined, “I’ll do that for you. So why don’t you do that for me instead?”

You nodded desperately, giving her a quick ‘okay’ while you reached for her. Her simple gesture had you whining unendingly as your body reacted to let you know you needed more than that. “My god, y/n. You’re so needy, you know that?” She laughs lowly, her hand smacks your cunt causing a yelp to erupt. Which…quickly turned into a cry. The ache you felt while your arousal skyrocketed was terrible- you needed Capri to stop it. To give you the relief your body has been begging for since early this morning. Your actions on her, matched hers for you. But seems to be more in control of herself than you were due to the amount of that specific water that she’d consumed.

“Hear that, love?” She grins, “You’re so wet, aren’t you? Take a look at yourself.” And so your eyes looked down at yourself, feeling more slick forming in that forsaken area. “Don’t stop, baby.” She looked at your fingers that were rubbing her clit as it swelled. You intentionally went harder for a second or two, drawing out a gasp from her mouth. Which sounded like she was teasing you to make her be more noisy, but either way, you picked up your pace and she begins to match up your speed. “Fuck, yeah. That feels so fucking good.” You pursed your lips together. Capri stops suddenly, and you smacked her cunt, displeased. An absolutely obscene moan flew out from her lips, making you smirk. “Who said you could stop.” You locked eyes with her, your actions slowing down. “Do you want me to stop too, Capri? Because…I sure can. And then I can make you watch me fuck myself while you can’t touch anywhere, at all.”

Capri bit onto her lower lit to stop herself from moaning, to not show you that she needed your touch as much as you needed hers. But, she kept teasing your folds, which allowed you find her answer to your demand. “Good girl.” You flashed a smug smile, bucking against her hand. That movement of yours made her moan, like actually- she’d nodded in approval asking you to keep doing that. Well, you did. Anything to get the two of you over the edge at this point. By basically riding her hand, her fingers were pushed way deeper into you and you were having a fucking good time hearing her whining and also the stimulation you were getting. Shockingly, right as you pulled your finger out of her, Capri unravels. She unravels first, whining your name repeatedly. You kept pushing your finger in and pulling it out though, to see just how much she could take before becoming an overstimulated, squirming mess right in front your eyes. When it became harder and harder for her to keep her fingers on your cunt, you take it as your cue to stop while she continues to bring you closer to the edge. Your clit was throbbing, and you beg her for more. “Capri, oh fuck, oh my God- please I-”

“Please, what, honey?” She licked her lips, looking at you up and down, “Use your words.”

“Please…” Tears brim at yours eyes, feeling yourself growing wetter and wetter. “Please, Capri I need your fingers inside me. Please…?”

“That’s my girl.” She got up, kneeling now so she could kiss you while her busy hand stayed working. She dips a finger into you and you gasped, “Fuck. Oh, God. That feels so good, Capri.”

“Does it, baby? That feels good?” She practically spoke into the never ending kiss, as her action became rougher and every time her finger poked your g-spot, a whine would fall from your lips without fail. “You close, princess?” She asks as you feel her finger retreating. You nodded eagerly, bucking your hips so her finger would return to its spot. “Woah, you’re feeling a little bit too eager today, aren’t you?” She teases, biting onto her lower lip yet again.

“All thanks to you.” You rolled your eyes.

“Fine, fuck yourself with my hand then.” She arched a brow, her eyes darkened along with her attitude.

“Fuck. That’s not what I-”

“Say that again?” She held onto your face by the chin, “What’d you mean then? Tell me, or are you just gonna be a needy, angry little slut?”

You shook your head at her last few words, “I already had a fucking bad day, Capri. Please, please- make me come. I need it.”

Giving you a little shrug, her fingers enter you in a pair. “You should’ve just told me that, sweet girl. Now I’ve made you sad.” Capri kisses the crook of your neck, then biting and sucking to leave some marks which drew blood. You seethed, she soothed the areas with her tongue. Then, she trails back down to lap at your cunt, to make you come. She’s decided to give you a little treat after only making use of her hands. With your head thrown back, you felt your climax approach at a steady pace. “Why are you-?” You panted.

“Shh.” She shushed you, “Just let go, babe. It’s okay, I know what I said, but I just wanted to do a little something to make it up to you.” She vigorously rubbed your clit, causing to nearly scream as you reached your peak. You nearly fell onto your back but she caught you. “Shit, shit, shit.” You cursed, “We did not lay a towel-” She didn’t care, simply attacking your lips once again, wanting to hear you cry for her as you continued to ride out your orgasm.

“Oh, that’s so hot, baby.”

“I- oh, god. Okay, okay. That’s enough for today, yeah.” You managed to say, laying down completely now.

“Okay.” Capri presses a kiss to your cheek, “Okay, honey. You’re alright, you’re alright.”

[mylifeinchastityandflr-blog]

Chastity and orgasm denyle

So this is something that will be different from everybody. And I don't say that ours is the right way, but we've tried almost every other option from about every post over the last 5 years. And what I do now is what works best for us at the moment.

Don't believe everything you read on the net. You need to let your man come every now and then. If there is nothing to look forward to, he will slowly but surely lose interest. Believe me, it happened to me a few years ago. I tried to deny him for months at a time because when he orgasmed he would turn into the most irritable and selfish man I know. So I thought that if I kept denying him that I could prevent him from falling into that rut. But that backfired on me big time. So it took months to work out a plan and schedule for him to have an orgasm and snap him back in line. It took a lot of trial and error to find something that works for us.

The hardest part is to get him back into his cage after an orgasm. When he came, I could threaten him with anything under the sun, but he refused to put back his cage. It took about a week or two to get him back in and then another two weeks for him to settle in and comply again. So whatever you do, don't let him orgasm if you don't have a full proof plan to get him back in his cage. And I don't mean threatening him. I mean tying him down in heavy restraints so that you can put his cock back in his cage. Or don't unlock him at all and let him orgasm in his cage. I have two ways of letting him orgasm.

1. I keep him locked and let him choose how he wants it and let him do it himself while I watch and believe me that can be so satisfying. I love to watch and then sometimes fuck myself in front of him.

2. I let him get dressed in full latex and corset and then lock him up in a full body bag and strap him tight. I then remove his cage and put a condom on, and then I go to town on him.first, I put a dildo gag in his mouth and fuck myself close to orgasm. When I ride his cock till he orgasm. If he can hold that long, normally he orgasm before I even get that far. At least then I've got an excuse to punish him good.

But there has to be some sort of consequence for allowing him to orgasm. Otherwise, he will take advantage of this situation. So our rule is you can orgasm but straight after you get punishment. Sometimes, I would wank him off to another orgasm before the belt goes back on. And then flip him over then fuck him good while still strapped in.

Before you start, you need to swap his cage of a chastity belt. Because you will not be able to put the cage back on again after. With the belt you only need to get his cock back in. And he can't take it off. When he orgasmed there is a chance that he can slip out of the cage because his balls are now empty and soft. With the belt type, it goes around his weighst so he can't get out. And with the belt, you can just leave it around his weighst and drop the cage down between his legs, and when you need to , it's easy to put it back.

You will find that after a good spanking and fuck session he will snap straight back into it and if he doesn't just take him back to the bedroom and repeat. I never had to do this yet, but I know a few ladies who had to do it only once and never again.

You will find that the orgasms will get fewer and further apart as time goes by. We started with every week and quickly went to one a month to every six months.

Remember, if you deny him, then you're the bad guy, but if he denies himself, then it's ok. Be smart about it and just enjoy it.

[mischiefmaker615]

Maid to Honor (Loki Love Story Pt.9)

Rose spun around upon hearing his voice behind her at the door, her expression obviously ticked and serious. ‘’what the hell was all that?”’

‘’all what darling?’’ Loki smirked as he stepped forward, his own expression failing to hide his clear amusement as her cheeks began to redden.

‘’you know damn what’’ she snapped, arms crossing as her tilted up slightly just to look up at him whom stood just in front of her now.

‘’your intelligence and beauty dazzles me darling, how can you expect me to ignore you like that?’’ he sighed as if he had no choice in the matter.

‘’work. And. Personal. Life. Separate’’ she said slowly, getting up on her tippy toes to try to at least intimidate the man that continued to make her blush but only resulted in arms enveloping her waist and pulling her close. Her arms tried prying his off as he smirked and rested his chin on top of her head.

‘’you’re not helping to prove me wrong darling’’ he chuckled and she gave up trying to get free.

‘’and you’re not listening.’’

‘’I’m listening perfectly darling. But if you’d like me to restrain myself around your colleagues then I shall.’’ He promised and released, quickly cupping her cheeks before she had the full opportunity to step back and kissed her deeply. He smiled against her lips, savoring the way she shivered and slightly gave in by giving up on her frustration. Slowly pulling back, he looked down at her lovingly and smirked, turning her around towards the door.

‘’now get back to work darling.’’

The next few hours consisted of mainly learning more about the computer systems and analyzing the assignments in which Loki was in charge of instructing which agents went to which mission. Thankfully they were mild missions and didn’t concern Rose very much but was keeping a close eye and correcting if needed. It only got annoying when he tried to exercise his new Boss role and got her to do tedious things like fetch him a cup of coffee, in which she would point out he didn’t even really drink in but backfired when he told her to make him a new one- thinking the flavor was the problem. She restrained herself when he enjoyed the same cup she brought back pretending it was a new one.

‘’well, I do believe you mortals instruct a break after around four hours of work yes?’’ Loki asked, getting up anyway to stretch from his chair and she remained in her own with her arms folded.

‘’correct. You could either hang out in the break room or exit the facility to.. wherever before you return in 30 minutes.’’

Loki stood there staring at her blankly but they both knew he wanted her to come along. She immediately shook her head and glanced at the screen. ‘’I think its best if I double check the-‘’

‘’darling. Legally, you need to take your break.’’ He said flatly, almost dangerously as she starred at him a moment before she sighed and got up herself.

As soon as she took a step towards a direction, he was ready to follow; making her stop. She tried changing direction and he did the same thing. Earning a sigh, she turned around with puffed up feathers as she raised a brow at him. ‘’just because we take a break at the same time, doesn’t mean it has to be together.’’

‘’I think its best love until I get the feel of this place, I could get lost you know’’ he said innocently as he placed his hands behind his back to wait for her to start moving.

He was stubborn, and in front of watching colleges it wasn’t a moment to argue, especially with her ��boss’. She almost shuddered with the fact. She loved him, they came pretty far with each other.. but this 24/7 thing needed to change. Or at least.. the unnecessaries. ‘’..fine. but I usually sit in my car on my break.’’

Loki raised a brow at this as he began to follow when she began walking again ‘’why is that love?’’

‘’because I usually don’t like to be bothered on my break. Helps keep me hidden from others.’’ She explained as they walked along side each other, ignoring the glances people gave.

‘’I do like the sound of that.’’ He smirked and she sent him a look.

‘’can’t you behave yourself for once?’’

‘’darling, when you have a body like yours and a personality that is just as sexy, how could you expect me to control myself?’’ he smirked, walking closer so his shoulder brushed up against her and she already felt her cheeks redden lightly.

‘’there’s a time and a place for everything Loki-‘’

‘’and is your car a time or place?’’ he asked, looking like a puppy wagging its tail. By his eyes It was very hard to even say no and she couldn’t help but sigh as she pulled out her car keys as they approached.

‘’tell you what, I’ll hold your hand. Deal?’’

‘’and I get to ravish you?’’ he purred, giving an indifferent look when he saw her face.

‘’deal?’’

With a sigh but not looking to disappointed, hurried to the passenger side. ‘’deal.’’

‘’can’t we get through the door at least!? Or make sure no one is around-‘’ Rose strained as Loki hugged her from behind, walking forward to direct her more into the room as he used a foot to kick the door closed behind him.

‘’I’ve been waiting for you all day darling, I’m not waiting any longer..’’ he breathed, his lips attacking her neck, making her shiver down her spine as he ran a hand down her leg and unbuckled her holster, making it fall to the ground.

‘’you’re lucky there wasn’t a gun in there’’ she scolded, gripping his arm around her middle as she closed her eyes, biting her lip as he made himself known against her rear end.

‘’I believe I have a much better pistol instead darling’’ he purred against her ear before nibbling at her lobe.

Getting flustered, this practically made her wings suddenly spring out and practically engulf him behind her, making her jump and quickly correcting the folding position where she turned around looking sheepish. ‘’..its been a long day.’’

‘’then perhaps we should.. migrate to the bedroom.’’ He smirked, stalking forward where she stuck a hand out to his chest to stop him, making him only start to kiss up her arm.

‘’Loki..’’ she sighed, both mix of pleasure and mild frustration in her voice. ‘’we can kinda do things here but work- it’s a no-no.’’

His lips paused almost up to her shoulder as he looked at her, his eyes showing tiredness of this topic again but raised a brow through curiosity ‘’kinda do things here?’’ he repeated.

‘’well its not like this stuff can happen when the others are around-‘’

‘’why not?’’ he asked, already snaking an arm around her waist and began bringing her closer against him.

‘’..i feel like we’ve had this conversation before..’’ she sighed, her voice getting quieter the closer she got to him until she was pressed against his chest, her hands moving to rest at his shoulders.

‘’you wish for your Avengers to see this as a professional setting and how you take your assignments seriously.’’ He answered for her and she nodded with her eyes down, in which he raised her chin up with a gently hand. ‘’I respect your decision love. But just know that you are mine and you are protected. If they try anything, news will have to appear fast that you are a taken woman.’’ He warned and she quickly shook her head before he could fully enter his protective mode.

‘’you have nothing to worry about Loki- but please, time and a place. A lady likes her alone time sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that, absence just makes the heart grow fonder.’’ She told him, taking her hand in his as she looked up at him gently.

‘’I understand love, is this a time in which you want to be alone?’’ he asked, his expression hard to read but nevertheless she shook her head.

‘’on the contrary, this is a great example for the perfect time and place.’’ She smirked, her hand gripping his as she slowly pulled him to her bedroom in which a split second, he was quick to take the lead.

[potassium-pilot]

FFXIVWrite2023, Prompt 18: A Fish Out of Water

Estinien rushed down the halls of the Andron, wearing a fancy dark blue shirt and tight pants with tall dark black boots, aiming for the room of the Warrior of Light. Upon arrival, he knocked quickly at the door.

"Dia?"

Silence greeted him back. He knocked once more.

"Dia, are you in there?"

Once again, silence.

"I need your help. Can you open your door?"

Then a thought hit him. This group has a tendency to have some kind of horrific thing happen to them: prophetic visions, souls torn from bodies, possession by ancient beings. If she wasn't answering, that might not be the best sign as he wasn't aware of anyone leaving Sharlayan during construction of the Ragnarok.

"Dia, this isn't funny! Open the bloody door!" He demanded as he knocked repeatedly before he tried for the door handle. She locked the door, the swiving arse.

"Ah, Estinien!"

He stopped and looked at his caller. Alphinaud appeared from around the corner. "Were you looking for Dia?"

"Yeah. You know where she is?"

"She told us in the linkshell. I'm certain you listened in, yes?"

Of all the times for his lack of checking on that blasted linkshell to backfire in his face.

"She said the situation in Ishgard has come to a head, and that Lord Aymeric requested her presence to aid him and Lord Artoirel in their efforts against the blasphemy Profane Fafnir", Alphinaud explained.

"...that's not some sort of code, is it?"

"I don't believe so. At any rate, if you're looking to find her, you've a long journey to make, and little time to make it before we're due to take tea with my mother."

Is Aymeric sure he doesn't need a lancer, Estinien asked himself.

"I merely wanted to ask after my outfit. Would this be appropriate for tea time in a Sharlayan high house?"

"Well, most Sharlayans have come to wear white robes, but for the purposes of tea today, you need not concern yourself with your dress."

"All right." That did little to belay Estinien's anxieties, but at least he had the knowledge.

"Come. I'll take you to Leveilleur Manor myself."

The two walked out of the Andron and into the sunshine hanging over the city-state of Sharlayan. Estinien kept up behind Alphinaud as he led him through town, upstairs and to the right of the Rostra. They approached the doors, and the door greeters bowed to the two of them before opening the door and allowing them entry into the large mansion.

Estinien looked around the place. The large marble staircase leading up the stairs, the colorful wallpaper, the servants in every corner- it was like a high house in Ishgard.

Aside from one notable family, he hated the high houses.

"Ah, you must be Ser Estinien." He noticed a woman with white hair pulled back wearing a white robe walking out of a double door beneath the stairs. "Welcome to our home. My name is Ameliance Leveilleur, the mother of Alphinaud and Alisaie."

"Er, thank you." Estinien sincerely didn't know what to say here. She already knew who he was after all.

"Of course. Now then, the tea is being prepared as we speak. Why do we not sit in the parlor?"

"That sounds like a wonderful idea. Estinien?" Alphinaud asked.

"Sure."

With his quick response, the three of them walked together through those same double doors. Fury help him, the parlor was huge. Even the Ishgardian nobles might have a few complaints to lodge. It was painted a light blue with windows adorning the south wall that the sun wouldn't peak in during the afternoon. The settees sat in the middle with a pale pink rug beneath them, ornately adorned, colored a deep blue, not unlike Estinien's shirt.

The three took their seats, Alphinaud sitting next to Estinien while Ameliance took the opposite settee.

"I'm glad to finally have this chance to speak with you in person, Ser Estinien. Of the people that Alphinaud has written of, two people appeared frequently in mention: Dia and you. Were it not for the emergency in Ishgard, I would have requested her presence here this day as well, but I'm still quite happy to have you join us."

Even she knew about that? Fury, Estinien chastised himself in his head.

"Er, I'm glad to be here as well", he half-lied.

"Now then, tea shall be here shortly, but please, treat yourselves to some finger sandwiches. We've cucumber, pesto chicken, egg salad, garlean cheese. There are also plenty of sweets. I know Alphinaud would be quite happy with that much."

Estinien couldn't help but smile. Thank the Fury he could act as a bouncing board.

"Yes, well", Alphinaud asked, "Estinien is here, and we're all happier for it."

"Indeed. So, Ser Estinien, what was your education?"

"...my education?"

"Yes. I'm afraid I haven't any idea of the educational aspects of Ishgard, or anywhere in Coerthas, for that matter."

"Er...well, Ishgard has the Scholasticate, but only those who don't enlist in the Temple Knights and have the ability to afford its education have access to that. What I was taught was taught to me by my parents and Alberic."

"Alberic?" Ameliance asked.

"The Azure Dragoon who came before me. Taught me everything I know about how to wield a lance. Took me in after Nidhogg attacked my home."

That was way too much information, he determined after seeing the way Alphinaud grimaced.

"Oh dear...I apologize, I meant not to stir up anything unpleasant."

"Worry not. You've done nothing wrong."

Ameliance took in a breath to center herself. "Well...what of your career plans, Ser Estinien?"

"Currently, I've employment in the Scions of the Seventh Dawn."

"Well, yes, but what of the future? Should your services no longer be needed in the Scions, do you know what would come next?"

He had absolutely no clue how to answer that. Seeing that he was to take to his taciturn staring, Alphinaud jumped in. "The Scions currently have no need to dispose of him and for the foreseeable future, I highly doubt he would need to worry about that."

Estinien grabbed a chicken finger sandwich and ate it, hoping that might deflect some questions from him. When that didn't work, Ameliance asked, "So, one mystery I know Alphinaud spent an age trying to deduce was where you went after the end of the Dragonsong War. Tell me, would you be so kind as to elucidate on this matter?"

"Oh. A bit of everywhere really."

Ameliance was keeping her patience together with incredible determination, like a button on a tight shirt. "What might that mean?"

"Well...I visited some friends", he omitted the fact that they were grave sites and the lair of Hraesvelgr, "did some searching for a certain artifiact", he leaned his head to Alphinaud, "and keeping my eye on him."

"Keeping your eye on me?" Alphinaud repeated.

"You think that cannon just destroyed itself?"

"That was you?!"

Estinien nodded with a smirk.

"Single-handedly?!"

"That so hard to believe?"

"Forgive me, but we've appeared to have veered away from an point made there", Ameliance interrupted. "A cannon?"

"Aye", Estinien answered, "A large ceruleum pipeline that fueled a cannon blocked Alliance forces from entering into The Lochs of Gyr Abania. I destroyed it. I would not allow such a thing to block their way."

"I wasn't told of a cannon", Ameliance admitted.

"Really?" He looked to Alphinaud with a shite-eating grin.

"Well...in truth, it didn't affect us much..." Alphinaud attempted to deflect.

"You mean aside from how it trapped you in Specula Imperatoris and nearly killed you?"

"What?!"

"Mother, I'll check on tea." Alphinaud quickly stood up and left.

Ameliance looked back. "I fear some things may have been left out of his letters."

"I wish I could say I blame him. I can understand the need to avoid worrying someone needlessly."

Ameliance smiled mischievously. "Yes, I suppose some things aren't worth the concern of a mother. Might I ask you this with Alphinaud out of the room?"

"Oh?"

"What is your opinion of my son? He defers a great deal of respect to you in his letters to me. In everything he says about you, his fervent admiration for you is quite clear, and I can't help but wonder...is this reciprocated?"

Estinien smiled slightly. "When I first met him, I thought him rather helpless and hopelessly idealistic. In some ways, he reminded me much of a mutual friend of ours. But much like that friend, I see now that his ideals are what paves the way for a brighter future...given we succeed in this mission of Hydaelyn's. The support of Alphinaud's comrades- nay, my comrades- carried him far and they've all shared these goals for as long as they have. Doubtless, their dedication will save us. I'm proud of him. I really am."

Ameliance seemed touched by his sincerity. "And yours?"

"My what?"

"Your dedication. Does it play its role?"

He let a laugh out of his nose. "I've come too far to not develop some dedication. Even then, I'm afraid my dedication is not placed in their goal- it's in them. Alphinaud and Dia, I mean. I trust them implicitly."

The double doors reopened and the Elezen teenager reappeared with a platter of tea cups and a kettle. "It's ready now."

Ameliance laughed. "Thank you, dear."

------

"All right, all right, you made your point", Dia laughed. A year after this, she sat in Mehryde's Meyhane with Estinien, enjoying the fare and reminiscing.

"I still recall going in there, dwarfed by the bloody staircases", Estinien complained.

"You really want to call tea with Ameliance the most harrowing thing you've experienced? You were turned into bloody wind, and tea time was the worst thing?"

"Being wind was far easier than navigating high society."

"And you thought I would be of help? Do you know how bad I am at that? There's a reason I don't go to fêtes with Aymeric."

"Besides the fact that you could barely walk for most of the year? I can't imagine how you'd fare dancing."

"Rich coming from a man who can't handle tea time with Alphinaud Leveilleur and his mother."

Estinien sighed. "In truth, it wasn't all bad. I'd rather not repeat it, mind, but there were some decent moments. I'm glad to have gotten the affair over and done with, anyway."

"Well, that's good at least."

"I still can't believe that blasphemy was real."

"Pays to check your linkshell."

Estinien scoffed. "Yes, I suppose it does."

Dia lifted her glass. "Cheers to not checking linkshells anymore, eh?"

"I'll drink to that."

They clinked their metal mugs together before partaking. Once Dia finished her sip, she asked, "Well, I know you told me at the Scions' parting that you've found work with Vrtra. How's that going for you?"

"Going well thus far. He's just having me train his lancers for a few hours a day. In exchange, I get a fine room and food. We get the chance to discuss things with each other, we look after one another. It's...interesting."

"...oh sweet Spinner, he's hoarding you", the realization clicked in Dia.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means he's got you in his grasp and he's not letting go. He's keeping you all to himself", she explained with a twisted smile.

"You're delusional."

"And you're his new consort."

"I am not his bloody consort!"

"Yeah? Well, say he didn't need you anymore. Where would you go?"

Estinien didn't know how to answer that. He had no wish to wander anymore. "...I can leave whenever I like."

"Really? What do you think he'd say?"

He didn't know the answer to that either, but there was something about the thought of leaving him disappointed that made him feel...

"...quit your teasing, woman."

Dia laughed mischievously. "Forget navigating high society. Try navigating a dragon's emotions."

"No, thank you."

[dododan]

Masterpost

For now, it's so workmanlike, because I like to keep things in order.

I also need to work out a few things technically~

#myasks - a hashtag for your questions! Don't be shy and ask me anything you want! I'll try to answer if it doesn't involve spoilers for e.g. Hibernation or another story I'm writing/drawing.

#dododanart - just a hashtag for my art

Holly and her world

Someday I will come up with a better title for this project. This is my main project that I am working on. The main thing I'm doing right now is constructing a story for Asha's family and creating a plan for the comic. From time to time there may be smaller drawings from this project.

#holly the pixie

Holly is a little monster who wanders between worlds. Some may spot her flitting between buildings or trees. Sometimes they will spot a strange door that disappears as soon as the goblin disappears behind it. Those few who know her can only say that she has been looking for someone for a long time. No one knows who exactly, but there is a big secret behind it.

#ash-kore - my spider and his story

Ash-kore is a hybrid. It has the blood of upper class demons in it as well as the blood of spider demons. He was destined for a future alongside loving parents who would bring a new order to the demon world - equality, justice and caring. Sadly, Ash lost everything in one night, and the hope of all demons for a better life vanished. Years later, the greatest rebellion in the history of the demon kingdom began. According to rumours, it is led by a lost prince who wants to continue his parents' work. Only none of them know that behind the enlightened ideas is a desire for bloody revenge.

#holly&ash-kore - comics/drawings when Holly met Ash-kore

What can happen when a little goblin with powerful and rare powers meets a spider who is hungry for the blood of its enemies?

Fandoms:

#Rick and Morty

Only drawings from Rick and Morty. Maybe some theory on the series occasionally. Interest in this series is revived every time there is a new season. So far, nothing new is appearing here.

#HazbinHotel

Drawings and my crazy theories and ideas to explain the plot. I have some more drawings in mind as well as rearranging the story of my OC - Mari. This is one of the projects I am currently working on.

#cult of the lamb

Drawings and stories on the history of my worship. I have an idea for a series of short comics and short stories. At the moment is my new hyperfixation, because I can't tear myself away from the game. That said, I'm treating this project as a side project, so things won't appear regularly.

Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles:

#rottmnt - common arts with ROTTMNT

#hibernation - the hashtag I will occupy when I start drawing the comic book. My interest in ROTTMNT has dimmed a bit, but I want to finish the comic first and foremost. No matter what happens the comic will be finished and this is the main project I am working on.

Masterpost "Hibernation"

When the boys were tiny he took them everywhere with him. He was afraid to leave them alone, but they were growing very fast, so he started looking for some more permanent shelter for them. Unfortunately, as a former celebrity who had spent the last decade of his life in the Hidden City, he didn’t really know where he could look for any bearable place to live. For the first few years, he managed to find abandoned buildings - such as an abandoned bowling alley or closed garages. Unfortunately, he didn’t have much luck and they had to change their hiding places quite often. Splinter loves his boys very much and this cannot be disputed, but what can a person who has never even looked after a pet in his life know about raising children?

Splinter tries his best, but sometimes he makes mistakes and feels overwhelmed by the weight of his past. Unfortunately, the consequences of these mistakes can backfire on those he cares about most - his sons.

Splinter will have to face the consequences of his mistakes, which put him in a situation no parent wants to be in.

#rottmnt MuZA - my AU. The idea was inspired by the game Project Zomboid, but somehow the enthusiasm for creating AU dimmed. Maybe it will come back, maybe not, but for now it is an abandoned project. But if anyone is curious, I have a written story for the brothers as a list of events. I can make it available if there is interest.

What would the apocalypse look like if the ninja turtles had to face mutant zombies instead of Krangs? A mysterious virus has spread around the world, turning humans and yokai into monsters. The Hamato family has not yet recovered from their battle with Shredder, and they face another challenge. Surviving the end of the world.

Undertale:

#guardiantale - My au Presents the story before the events of the game. The story is already written, but I am slowly translating it into English. Chapters will appear every Saturday at 6pm.

"Katharina is an ordinary girl who is very stubborn. She always pursues her goal. Anyone who knows her can tell that she is very persistent. But this trait is not always a good thing. Kath found this out the hard way when she fell into the Underworld. From now on, she will have to somehow survive in a place full of monsters that have no sympathy for humans. Will she be able to survive in this place? Or will one of the monsters get their way and give her soul to the king?"

Spider-verse:

#arachnite - For the time being, I will not be involved in this project, but it is not completely abandoned. I will return to it after the release of the next part of the film.

"Nicolas also known as Arachnite. An amazing, beautiful and brilliant boy with the powers of a spider (as he likes to say about himself). He gained his powers by accident and decided to become a hero because it looks like an interesting occupation. At least until he got into trouble and Spider-man had to rescue him."

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2015 Dr. O, who might have peaked in my blog again last night from a slightly different location in New York, messaged me to say that she’s having one of her nurses contact me. Until then I thought I would do a private entry where I don’t have to watch what I say. I’m also sick of others being quick to give me their unsolicited advice. That only confuses me even more. The three things I should have kept out of public from the get-go were what the freeloaders did to me, my sleep disorder, and my thyroid issues. Especially the last two. There may be a few paragraphs here that I might share in my public blog as well as my private one, though.

Tammy tried to tell me that I was feeling anxious because I didn’t have enough thyroid hormone in me and not because of the medication. As Tom agrees, that makes no sense. I haven’t had enough thyroid hormone in me for many years; so then why didn’t I feel just as anxious then? I’ve got to be careful what I say to her because one thing we don’t want is for her to get involved. Not too involved anyway. As Tom pointed out, if people can get involved in the past, they can do it again in the future. That’s the only problem with Tammy I still have today. I know she was a part of siccing the pigs on me, even though she continues to deny it, and I know she wouldn’t hesitate to do something like that again if she got pissed at me.

I am totally, totally torn between trying to stick the 75 micrograms out and going back to the 50s. I felt so much better on the 50s and I didn’t need lorazepam. What does that tell you right there? That the doctors are telling me one thing while my body is saying another. No matter what they say, I really do believe that the Prozac was making me feel worse. I think it was responsible for my throat pain, and even making me depressed to the point that I thought of dying. I probably should have been more open with my doctors about the dying part. It’s just that revealing those feelings in the past has backfired on me, and I remember that. I know this isn’t Valleyhead and I know this isn’t the 80s, but it is still hard to discuss with anyone other than Tom. From now on though, I will take his advice and be more upfront about that. I know things have changed and that they’re not like they were years ago, but still, I don’t want to God forbid be punished for how I feel and made to feel even worse. As it is I went in with a bum thyroid and even that has made me feel worse in the end. It seems that more often than not, whenever I try to help myself or get something fixed, things end up worse, just like they did with my ear.

I still wake up with a racing heart throughout the night (another thing that didn’t start till after the Prozac), and I agree with Dr. A who said she truly believes it’s anxiety. The only difference is that it’s not as scary as it used to be because I am getting used to it. It is just frustratingly annoying.

The question is why am I having such intense and extreme anxiety that I never had before last year? It is totally unpredictable and it comes and goes when I least expect it to. I can feel fine one minute and the next I am feeling waves of anxiety. Sometimes it’s physical where my heart is elevated, and other times the anxiety is emotional.

I think one of the reasons I have been feeling tired more lately isn’t just the stress, but because I stupidly stopped my vitamins.

I was a little pissed to learn that I never needed a referral for the behavioral center, so we've been waiting all this time for nothing. I spoke to my PCP's nurse yesterday morning who told me to just go ahead and call them. The shrinks are booked through October (utterly ridiculous) but I will see a counselor named Stacey on May 12th.

Saw the street Tammy will be living on and it looks beautiful. Mostly palm trees and a lot more grass than we have here. Maybe she won't hear leaf blowers as much as we do cuz she doesn't have the kinds of trees we have that make such a mess. She's going to hear a lot of mowing, though that's less annoying than blowers. The blowers they use here are insanely loud. For about 5 hours yesterday, the landscaping sounds around me were annoying as hell, especially when I was trying to talk on the phone. They're so loud even when they're not that close.

What's what all the huge spider dreams lately? Last night a huge one ran across the ceiling in my dreams and I was freaking out the closer it got to me.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2015 Felt pretty well during the first few hours of my day… and then the anxiety reared up and bit me in the ass big time. I felt almost like my brain would literally explode with anxiety! My sister calmed me down for a while when we talked until she had to go to the grocery store in preparation for an impending storm. It kept coming and going in waves. One minute an utter calm would envelop me and I would feel like everything was going to be ok and stay ok. The next my anxiety was so fierce I wanted to scream and cry. I won’t even get into how dark my thoughts were turning.

Then the torture continued in my sleep. I woke up several times with a racy heart, and one time Tom took a reading of it. It was 127.

I have been plagued with uncertainty and indecisiveness ever since this shit started up again. Possible causes and ways to help myself were bouncing around in my brain like a Ping-Pong ball on drugs. Did I keep taking the 75’s? Scale back to the 50’s? Give the Prozac another chance? Assume it was too coincidental that the throat pain and bedtime “heart attacks” didn’t start until after I start the Prozac? End it all? Throw myself in the hospital?

Yesterday I messaged my endo and told her I wouldn’t mind trying something else for the anxiety just in case there was a slim possibility the Prozac did affect my throat and sleep. I also let her know I would still use the lorazepam as needed. Then, as I was falling asleep, Tom Skyped me to say he got a message from my primary’s office asking how I was. I will call them this morning and tell them I’ve got to back off the 75s once again and drop to 50 till I can get my anxiety dealt with. I think I just took on too much too fast. I need to get that referral and get into the behavioral center first. Meanwhile, I’m not going to die on 50 mcg. I have a dead thyroid, not cancer. Gotta wonder how the hell all this came out of a dead thyroid, though. I know some of it is menopause and anxiety, but they’re all feeding off each other, and the higher dose does seem to be the main culprit, like it or not. At least for me, it seems that way.

So anxiety first, higher dosage later… maybe. All I know is that every time I’m on 75’s I feel like shit. I can’t stand to have my life and sleep tormented to such a degree during the months it could take to get acclimated. I just can’t do it. 50 mcg may be less than my body needs, but it’s all my body can take right now.

I don’t expect any trouble from my docs or that they’ll try to push me to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing. After all, I am an adult and I’m sure they know I have to trust what my gut tells me and what I feel is best for me, since I know my body better than anyone else, and not just rely 100% on them and what they tell me. They’re to help me help myself. Not to mold and shape me into whatever as if I were a piece of putty. But on the off chance there is any unnecessary pressure, I’ll see Tom’s doctor instead.

Tom saw his doctor yesterday and told him how his BP medication makes him cough a lot. His doctor told him most of them do that but gave him something else to try. He mentioned beta-blockers and Tom told him about me. But because Tom’s the opposite of me and has a naturally slow heart rate, he’s going to pass on the blockers. His TSH and cholesterol are great and he is still healthy as can be. Thank goodness one of us is! Better him than me, but still, it would be nice if I could be healthier. I quit smoking fairly young, I keep in shape… I should be healthy damn it!

He got a tetanus shot but passed on the colonoscopy. He said, “Do you want this or that,” and not “You need this or that,” so that’s good.

I have more to write about, including great news about Tammy, but will get to it later. My energy spans are short these days due to all the stress.

Later…

Okay, on with Tammy's news as well as the last two nights of dreams before I forget. Well, I wouldn’t forget Tammy, but the longer I ignore my dream notes, the less sense they make to me. I still have a half-hour before I can call my doctor anyway.

Tammy and Mark made an offer on a house that was accepted in what I am told is a beautiful park with palm trees and flowers galore. It’s a two-bath, two-bed manufactured home that’s slightly bigger than ours. It’s called the Savannah Club and it sounds like it’s a much bigger park than ours. Ours only has one pool, one clubhouse, and a small lake. This place has multiple pools, clubhouses, and even a movie theater that attracts famous people.

There are wildlife preserves around her so no one can build up in around the area. Hopefully, she won’t have a problem with hunters and dirt bikes, but the east isn’t like the west, so I doubt she will. I teased her about the daily landscaping sounds she’s probably in for. The more plants you have around you, the more you’re going to hear this person trimming this, and that person mowing that, while another is reaching for their blower. Teased her about how much the old guys love to saw too, as she too, will be in a retirement community. The sawing will come and go in spurts. You can go months without hearing them.

She said she met her neighbors next to her and across from her and adores them.

I am so, so happy and excited for her! Finally, she has a beautiful new home to call her own in a climate that may have allergies in store for her but that she otherwise loves.

In other cool news, Matt M, the former owner of Valleyhead before the FBI shut it down, died recently. Oh boo fucking hoo, huh? LOL, wonder if the fraudulent bastard was still in prison for all the girls he ripped off and the lives he helped ruin.

Random dream scenes: A HUGE spider that grew wings and flew out of a box and onto my shoulder, leaving me literally paralyzed with fear. I was too terrified to try to shake it off!

A guy dancing to a yellow iPod in a crowded room.

My old hot doc and some older male doctor referring me to someone because of a 51% chance of who knows what.

Us buying an old ugly house with a lighted table that had been left in the kitchen that I vowed to get rid of.

Swimming somewhere and visiting our old town in Oregon for a fair they were having. I thought how I missed the town but not the weather. In some ways this is true. After passing the same person 3 times throughout the day, I looked at Tom and said, “Only in the tiny town of Klamath Falls can you cross paths with the same person multiple times in one day.”

I had such a good time there that I wanted to stay. But I knew I couldn’t take the cold and snow, and doubted they had any retirement parks. Therefore, getting a house in the mainstream and dealing with screaming kids and barking dogs wasn’t an option as much as I enjoyed visiting. Even when it began to pour like crazy.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 2015 On Thursday I decided to do one of my favorite hobbies… people hunting. I don’t know why but I just love to hunt for any little mundane tidbits I can find on people, but not people I know well or don’t know at all. It has to be somebody I’ve met or seen at least a few times like my endo. It’s a sort of a game to me just like some people love scavenger hunts and to see what little treasures they can come up with. Well, I would hardly count the fact that I learned that my doctor doesn’t drink as a “treasure,” but the whole idea of the game is to see what I can find. Silly, pointless game, perhaps, but fun and sometimes interesting. She loves those slot games, LOL.

I knew she had a house in Sacramento and was married and that was pretty much it, other than her age and a few facts found on the health site. I wouldn’t even know that she once lived in Massachusetts had she not told me. Sometimes it takes a few tries of hunting before you turn up anything. One way I have learned to get more information on people is through their friends provided you can find them on Facebook in the first place. It took me a few tries to find her there and at first I wasn’t even sure it was her because there was no personal information listed. No location, no age, no nothing. The account was mostly public, though, and while her “likes” and movies and books and music suggested that of an older person, I had no idea who it really was at first. They have only 15 friends, mostly in Gloversville, New York, and I couldn’t tell who might be directly related to her and who may be related to her husband or those bearing her last name if it really was her.

A closer look at her friends turned up a daughter named Stormy who looks old as hell. This chick is either a lot younger than she looks or the doctor had her very young. I could see a resemblance in the daughter’s picture. Same brown eyes, same downturned nose, same wavy brown hair, same slim figure. LOL, the endocrinologists are skinny and their patients are fat. I’d describe her as somewhere between ugly and plain with a bit of a harsh appearance.

The one thing that definitely stood out was the doc’s nature pictures. She doesn’t have an extensive account and doesn’t post very often, but many of the pics are the types I would decorate my blog with so I sent a brief message complimenting them. Regardless of who it was, they were beautiful.

Facebook goes out of its way to make reaching out to people rather hard, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the site, but that’s just the way it is. Most of the time you send a message to a non-friend, if they even get it, it will likely go to their other box and remain unseen. That’s what I expected in this case, but for some reason, the message went straight to her inbox. Although I never got a reply, not surprisingly, the message was read, and then I noticed a blog view from Gloversville.

I wished I could know if the doctor was out of town at the moment because that would confirm my suspicion as to their identity. But of course I had no way of knowing that and I wasn’t about to ask… until she checked into the health site to answer my questions and volunteered that information on her own.

So she knew I messaged her before she sent me this today:

Hi, I am out of town right now but checking on messages and saw this and your other message. I do not think this is high thyroid. The symptoms of feeling hot and anxious in the middle of the night might be anxiety. I do not think Prozac is necessarily causing these to be worse. If these are happening nightly then I suggest for a few nights you take lorazepam as you are going to bed to relax you. If these are anxiety they should improve with time on fluoxetine though perhaps the dose is too low or there are better agents for you. If they persist let me know and we can change gears before the planned next visit. Don't think sore throat is related to any of this. Tingling in the extremeties happens with the anxiety and breathing rapidly. See yoour PCP to figure out the sore throat if it persists. Dr O

Later…

Going to stop sharing posts on Google+ since I tend to move things around a bit, which makes the links useless.

I am so glad to finally say that I feel so much better and got better sleep yesterday. I still woke up nearly a dozen times and was aware of on and off throat pain, but I didn’t wake up feeling like I was on fire and like my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I also fell back asleep relatively fast. I first fell asleep without the lorazepam and then I woke up an hour later. That’s when I took it. I slept eight hours in total.

No racing heart yesterday and so I never needed the beta-blocker other than that one time so far. I’m doing well so far today too, but that’s one of those unpredictable things that can sneak up on you anytime. As long as sitting down and taking some deep breaths will slow my pulse down, then I don’t need the beta-blocker.

The throat thing is the weirdest thing because it doesn’t feel like acid reflux any more than it feels like a pulled muscle, and after the first day, I only felt it lying down. It is getting better, though, so whatever it is I’m not worried about it right now. The doctor said to see my primary if it persists. She also thinks waking up with a racing heart is due to anxiety and that the Prozac probably wasn’t responsible for that or the throat pain. She said that tingling could occur in the extremities from anxiety, which I didn’t know until now. The question is whether or not to try the Prozac again. She said the dose could be too low or there might be something else better for me, and to let her know if I have any more problems so we can try something else before our next appointment.

When Tom gets up I’ll discuss it with him and see what his opinion is. I always value his opinion as well as my sister’s, since she was once a medical assistant and is as familiar with these things as I am with the rules of the romance languages.

Tammy had a great point in her message to me earlier that I totally didn’t think of and that’s that sometimes you have to get worse before you get better. She has been on tons of meds and has experienced something or another from each and every one of them until her body got used to them. Sometimes the side effects went away, other times she couldn’t stand them and had to stop. The side effects can definitely be scarier than the disease itself. The thought of having the pocket of activity flare up in my thyroid isn’t scary, but it sure is if you’re taking 75 mcg of levothyroxine when it happens.

There is an end, she assured me, and that helps a lot. Maybe my life in my sleep as I knew it isn’t forever gone after all. It’s just trying to be patient until everything is fine-tuned to where it’s supposed to be. Had to laugh, however, when she said this is a simple disease to treat. Yeah, that’s what I thought. I thought I would just take a pill and forget about it. How wrong I was! Hopefully, it will be that simple in the future soon enough. I have never in my life experienced anxiety to this degree even in my most anxious of moments. I definitely do want it to back off. I mean it’s great that I feel better right now, but how long will it last?

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2015 We swapped mattresses but I didn’t have any better luck sleeping on it. I didn’t seem to get as hot since the other mattress has no memory foam, but I woke up just as often and the bed was horribly uncomfortable because it is way too hard. So I decided that if I’m going to sleep shitty on both mattresses, I might as well choose the one that is most comfortable and that is definitely our four-year-old memory foam mattress. I hate how hot it makes me feel but it is otherwise like sleeping on a cloud. Super comfortable. Maybe not as comfortable as a waterbed but still very comfortable.

Tom double-checked what can cause a person to wake up with a racy heart and found three reasons. Anxiety, menopause and stimulants. Well, I have been going easy on the caffeine, but I certainly have plenty of the first two. It comes and goes with no predictability. Right now I feel perfectly calm but yesterday I was crying on the phone to my sister while Tom was asleep. I left her some voice messages. She wants to chat live but I want to wait until I’m more on days than nights.

She said I shouldn’t have stopped the Prozac because it will help with the anxiety, but I only did so because I thought I was having a reaction to it. The facial tingling stopped, but I still get that strange, intense throat pain when I’m sleeping. I want to wait until I talk to the doctor and see what she says. If she doesn’t reply to my message in the morning I will call her office Tuesday morning. Really hope that referral comes in this week too.

For now, I still have the lorazepam. Maybe I should try taking it before bed instead of in the middle of my sleep. I can usually go right back to sleep the first two or three times I wake up, but in the middle of my sleep I have a harder time getting back to sleep and that’s when I’ve been taking the lorazepam. IDK, maybe taking it beforehand will help prevent that. It’s an experiment worth trying.

As Tammy said, I’ve had this disease for years and it’s going to take time for my body to adjust to the medication and all that. This is true, but when you’re suffering time is everything to you. I am trying to do all I can to change my way of thinking and not to dwell on what might happen and how long this shit might last, and just accept that there’s a good chance I’m not going to be sleeping well anymore and to just get whatever sleep I can. Also, quit being afraid of what my heart might do and just keep busy, keep distracted, and try to surround myself with positive things instead of anything negative. Sometimes it is easier said than done and you start to believe you’re never going to get better and you feel yourself losing hope. What do you do at that point? Tell yourself to just learn to suffer? Be a good little sufferer and just live with it? Tell yourself it must be “meant to be?”

Sometimes I feel my anxiety turning to anger, and I need to feel that anger more often because anger can lead to productiveness. It can be as positive as it can be negative. It can help motivate us to change things for the better. We may not always succeed in the end, but anger is often our chance to give it a shot. Whether or not this is happening to me out of random chance or because something up there has it in for me, I’m getting pissed all right. It is interfering with nearly every aspect of my life. It’s taking the enjoyment out of my home, my park, and my life. I don’t have the luxury of going on a bike ride around the park like I used to love to do by myself when Tom wasn’t available because I have to fear my meds and thyroid issues combined will elevate my heartbeat as unpredictable as it can be, and then I might panic and make it even worse. Well, I’m tired of living with these fears. I’m not going to push myself to do too much too fast, but I am determined to take little steps toward getting there like I did earlier by walking around the circle…alone.

At this point my not being able to sleep is harder on me than what might happen to me when I’m awake. Sometimes I am just so tired I can barely function. I never thought I would say this, but I am actually glad right now that I am unable to work outside of home. I always had some semblance of a schedule even when I didn’t have a schedule, but now I don’t even have that. It’s taken “erratic” to a whole new meaning of the word and it is going to make my life a lot harder if it keeps up, especially if I want to travel or to try to keep appointments. There’s no doubt that most of it is caused by perimenopause, and I can already tell that there’s no way I’m going to get my period on the seventh, which would be when I would get it if I was as regular as I used to be. I used to be like clockwork. It would be a simple process if it would just quit picking on my sleep. It is exciting otherwise. This is it. I am definitely slowly signing off from Period Land. I will probably still get a few here and there for the next year or two, though.

I used to love to relax for a few minutes here and there in between tasks, but I’m making a point of not doing that for now because that’s when my mind sometimes takes me places I don’t want to go.

“Is my heart racing? Could it be getting ready to race? Is trouble ahead? Will I ever get better?”

These are the types of thoughts I don’t want racing through my mind. With nothing to distract me, they swirl through my mind like water swirls through a toilet bowl. Only there’s no place to flush it all away.

Ok, quick recap of yesterday and then I’m going to try my best to get on with my life. Tom and I worked out in the morning and I fell asleep earlier than I usually would have because I was so tired. I slept on and off for most of the day, got up and felt warm for the first hour or so like I seem to be doing a lot lately. I did my usual routine of taking my medication, having my one cup of coffee, brushing my teeth, taking my shower, and treating my toenail fungus. It’s getting better but it still looks kind of gross. These things take time. Too bad this wasn’t my biggest problem, though, huh?

I never needed the beta blocker yesterday and so far today I am doing well and I hope it stays that way regardless of how I sleep the next time around, whenever that may be. Since I am a little better rested today I expect to be up close to lunchtime.

I’m going to proofread this entry, post it and then get on with my Dutch lesson. I let Hoodie out earlier and maybe I’ll let him out again while I read.

Ugh, we need to rid this country of its blacks and make this a safer place to live! I don’t read the news, but I read other people’s journals, which often talk about their own lives as well as what’s going on in the world.

Once again, the blacks are doing what they do best… violence. Rioting like spoiled little children every time something goes wrong with one of them or they don’t get their way, and taking it out on innocent people while they’re at it. This time it’s over a death while in pig custody in Baltimore.

Maybe someday they will learn, along with the t-heads, that violence is never a solution. And of course, no one riots or gives a shit when whites are brutalized by the pigs, and they ARE. What about that pregnant woman? She made the news, but no one rioted for her. Skin too white to be worth it?

I’m sorry for any true, honest-to-God victim of police brutality, but I have no sympathy for blacks in general. They only disgust me even more when they do shit like this. If gays and Jews can get ahead without violence, so can they. Yet so many people just love blacks. Say anything negative against them and whites will take it just as personally. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. The few left that don’t care for them obviously see them for the subhuman pieces of shit 80% of them are. I’m getting to the point where I nearly want to puke when I see one same as when I see a Muzzie.

Like it or not, just like some breeds of dogs are more aggressive than others, clearly some groups of people are too, and these are one of them. But you can’t make people see what they simply don’t want to see. People want to believe people are good, but the reality is that most of them aren’t. Would the world be as fucked up as it is if they were?

SUNDAY, APRIL 26, 2015 This not sleeping, having to deal with a racy heart and being overheated, is really wearing me down both physically and emotionally that I find my thoughts going to some very dark places, the more the torture takes its toll on me. This complex, nasty disease, along with whatever other issues I may have going on, like menopause and this mysterious throat pain that comes and goes, are getting to be more than I can handle. Too much is coming at me too fast.

I have lost a few pounds and you would think I should be pleased but instead, I am worried. Most of it has been lost through not feeling well. In some ways, I would rather have my old appetite back and have to tell myself, “Whoa! Slow down!” Then try to keep the scale from climbing. Yes, I really do miss some of my old problems in comparison to this one. That’s just the thing, though… it’s not just one, simple and obvious problem. When a woman has cramps she knows the cause of it is because of her period, so she takes an ibuprofen or something, and that’s it. So be it. Even what we went through in Auburn, as horrible as it was, was a lot simpler than this. The problem was obvious… the economy sucked, we were broke, and there weren’t enough jobs.

What’s going on with me now is a lot more complex. There isn’t just one thing causing a particular symptom, and sometimes I can’t know what they are or what to do about it. I’m thrown in a strange room blindfolded and I don’t know what may be in that room with me.

I still can’t get my body to stay asleep for more than an hour or two at a time. It’s bad enough to wake up just because, but it’s a lot easier to wake up for a second, and then go right back to sleep. When you wake up with a hot flash and booming heart, that’s going to a whole new level of shittiness. Every day now I have needed to take a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep.

I couldn’t fall asleep until 11am and I finally pulled myself out of bed at 8pm. I checked my sites online that I go to regularly, made myself eat a little something and then I got back into bed because I was still exhausted. I’m feeling more depressed than anxious right now. I hate to think that my only choices in life are to learn to suffer or to end it all.

In some ways, I’m just as shitty with this new team of doctors as with the old team. My old endo had to go, though, don’t get me wrong. She was a rude and uncaring doctor. But am I really better off now than I was before? I have a doctor who is willing to give me more information than my old one, but I still feel like shit.

I am told that in a couple of months when my levels and numbers are where they’re supposed to be and my pituitary gland stops barking orders at my thyroid to work harder, I will begin to feel better, and I will be at less risk of pocket flares as my thyroid dies off. If this is really true, that’s many weeks away and I don’t know if I can hold it together that long. I’m still waiting for the doctor to get back to me and for the referral to the behavioral center.

I left Tammy some voice messages even though I probably shouldn’t because she has enough of her own problems.

At 1am I finally pulled myself out of bed for a shower and some more food, then to do this entry. I’m still exhausted and I may go lay down again if only because I feel safer from the bad kinds of “beatdowns,” as I call them. There are a few different kinds as funny and confusing as that may sound to those who have never experienced this horrifying thing. You have your short-acting ones and your long-acting ones. My heart has behaved so far today, but it is unpredictable.

About 10 hours after I took my levothyroxine yesterday my pulse shot up to 125, so I took the beta blocker. It definitely worked, slamming my pulse all the way down to 85. The problem is that it made me feel so sluggish and cold. It may have made me a little short of breath, but that could have been anxiety.

For now, I continue to document in brief but to-the-point notes for my doctor, even if it might not do me much good.

SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2015 Okay, here’s my good entry to make up for my not-so-good entry. Andy's surprise turned out to be cheesecake samplers. They are wonderful! My favorites are turtle cheesecake and the New York-style cheesecake, and I also love the raspberry and Oreo cookie cheesecakes. Tom has never had cheesecake in his life and I convinced him to try the Oreo one, and he loved it.

Gotta admit I did not expect this. I thought it would have to do with rats or scented things.

He is an amazing friend and I really appreciate his support through these tough times. I may or may not survive in the end, but I definitely have the love of good friends and family along the way.

There are 12 cheesecakes and they are very rich and filling, so they will last a long time. Probably even longer for me because my appetite has been down lately. I can only eat a little more than half of one at one time. Even a 300-calorie frozen dinner stuffs the hell out of me.

My second, larger figure skater wall sticker silhouette arrived but I have not put it up yet. I finished the laundry, wrote up the grocery list, and did some blogging, so I am making progress at trying to keep myself busy whenever I am awake.

Last night it rained for a few minutes and tonight we have a steady rain that has gone on for a few hours. It is a nice soothing sound.

The only dream I remember was arriving somewhere on a train. But instead of the people exiting the train from seats that are bolted down inside, the front of the train opened up, and the rows of seats “ejected” themselves like a long tongue slowly sticking out of a snake’s mouth.

I spotted my brother and realized that he was the conductor. I walked up to him as he studied a clipboard in his hands and said hello. He didn’t seem happy to see me and said something like, “What, are you going to dump me again?”

“Naw,” I said.

Then he said something about not wanting any problems and I said, “Yeah, it seems silly to stay angry at each other at this point.”

FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 2015 This is going to be a long, depressing health rant, and then I will do a happier blog later on. I am trying not to dwell on the negative in my life right now, but I also want to document whatever happens because it’s good to keep records. You just never know how it may help in the future.

I have been so bad that Tom stayed home today, but this time we wonder if it’s because of a reaction to the Prozac which I have temporarily stopped until I hear back from the doctor. I messaged her Thursday afternoon and I am kind of surprised she didn’t reply this morning but it did say that it can take up to one or two business days. Makes me wonder if she’s in New York. Out of curiosity I looked her up on Facebook and found an account I thought might be hers. I sent a message complimenting her nature pictures, which were very nice, and noticed that she had some friends in Gloversville, New York. Strangely enough, the message went straight to her inbox, appeared as having been seen, and then I got a blog view from that area. If it wasn’t her, why didn’t she reply? Or maybe she did and I just didn’t get it. You never know with Facebook.

I thought I would sleep better with Tom home but I didn’t. I developed intermittent throat pain that went on for about 24 hours, and facial tingling as well. And no, the sore throat wasn’t like when you’re getting a cold. Besides, nothing I did helped. I tried hot drinks, I tried cold drinks, I tried ibuprofen, and I tried a throat lozenge.

We looked online as well as at the papers the pharmacist gave us and they listed this as possible side effects, as well as hot flashes, racing heart, and problems sleeping. Well, I sure had problems sleeping, alright. I have never ever slept so shitty in my entire life. I couldn’t fall asleep till around 5 AM and because I kept waking up so many times I couldn’t pull myself out of bed until 4:30. I woke up at least five times with my heart racing and feeling warm as well. The yoga mat did help keep me a little cooler but not much. I also woke up like 10 other times just because. I am anxious, depressed, worried, and starting to wonder if I’m going to end up in the hospital. I sure as hell hope not but will do whatever it takes to get better and back to my old self for more than just a few days or a few weeks if I’m really lucky. Then again, what if I can never get better? What if this is it? What if this is my new life and I have no choice but to accept it and try to adapt as best I can? That’s a scary thought!

Why am I so prone to side effects, if that’s really what it was? I’m almost positive the throat thing was the acid reflux problem some people have, but I can’t swear to the bedtime beatdowns my heart puts me through. Some of that could still be menopause, my thyroid meds, or just plain anxiety. I only know it isn’t normal for me. Yes, I know things change with age, but nobody should sleep that badly. The whole thing just seems way too extreme. Not sure which came first… did I wake up and then find myself aware of my heart racing? Or did I wake up because my heart was racing? Tom thinks it’s the first one.

We’re going to give it one more night, and then if I continue to have problems we will go ahead and swap mattresses. The mattress in the second bedroom is very firm but there is no memory foam topper on it. If that’s what I got to do to stop this shit, I’ll do it. What I really miss most are waterbeds. That might be an option in the future, too. I just hate feeling like life as I knew it and my sleep as I knew it is history. This is just horrible because it leaves me with so little energy when I’m awake. It’s like my mind wants to do things but my body puts up a fight and protests. I have to push myself onward and forward when I just want to lie in bed and do nothing but worry, wonder and hope. Eventually, I’m going to lose that hope, though, the longer this keeps up. Still no issues while awake, but I do feel a bit anxious and I still worry about how the levothyroxine may affect me later on.

So while I should be happy and enjoying my life, I am scrambling to figure out what to do so I can have at least a fairly decent night's sleep, while I try not to worry about what problems my thyroid meds may cause me in the future, and question every little thing I feel. At least a lorazepam hasn’t given me any problems, but that’s only for when the anxiety levels go way up. Still haven’t used the beta blocker and still hoping that if I ever have to, Tom will be home at the time in case that too, causes any problems.

It’s too bad Prozac didn’t work out because it seemed to be calming me a bit. Tom said that those with throat pain caused by acid reflux found that they didn’t have it if they took it in the morning instead of at night, but I would rather wait until I confer with my doctor.

The biggest thing right now is to try to keep as active as possible, as Tom stressed. You don’t want to ignore something like this, but you don’t want to dwell on it either. So I might put my latest story idea to print and do as much as I can to focus on other things, and not how much I’ve come to hate – and sometimes fear – being alone.

THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 2015 My message to Dr. O:

So far I have been feeling okay when I am awake. The problem is when I am asleep. Once yesterday and twice today I woke up overheated with hot flashes and a booming heart. I was able to calm my heart in a few minutes and therefore did not take the beta-blocker. But I was trembling with nerves and took a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. This is absolutely awful because now I am afraid to go to sleep when it can be scary enough just being awake and so I was wondering if you had any advice that could help me. I sleep with the house at 68 degrees and a fan blaring on me and nothing but my undies and thin blanket. I had even kicked off the blanket and just had a cover sheet over me. I am going to try putting my gel-like yoga pad on top of the memory foam and see if maybe that will help stop the warming effect. I am on nights right now or else I would have contacted you earlier. My house is currently 74 degrees and I feel like it is 80.

Later…

And my life forecast says:

Love = sunny.

Money = sunny.

Health = rain mixed with fierce downpours that could drown a herd of elephants in no time at all.

I finally got fed up enough to message my doctor online and let her in on my “rude awakenings.”

40 years ago I got my first period while at our summer cottage in Connecticut. 20 years ago it was either children or life. I chose life. Now, 20 years later I am having the hot flashes from hell. The hot flashes I once thought might be “fun” since I hate cold and being cold, but this is anything but fun. Especially when it wakes you up. Feeling like you’re on fire when you’re awake is one thing, but when you wake up feeling like your body is on fire, heart booming in your chest, it is anything but fun.

This is the second day in a row this has happened, and this time it happened twice. The first time I got up and was just about to reach for the beta-blocker when I felt my heartbeat slowing down. I took a lorazepam and called Tom, totally rattled by the whole thing. Dangerous or not, it is still terrifying. He calmed me down and after an hour I fell asleep only to wake up from the same damn thing a couple of hours later. Only thing was that this time I was too tired to get up. I sat up for a few seconds to help cool me down and then I fell back asleep. So much for keeping the house chilly and sleeping with just the cover sheet in addition to having the fan on me, and wearing nothing but my boy shorts. Oh, and of course I had to wake up just because, too. I wish I could just give up sleep altogether! I’m not getting into that bed until I am absolutely utterly exhausted.

Where are these things coming from all of a sudden anyway? I’ve had feelings of being warm and cold for quite a while now while awake, but nothing like this where it was waking me up. On the few occasions I woke up in the past, I would simply be hot. I didn’t feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest as well. This is the third or fourth time this has happened in the last two months.

The doctor explained to me that the hormones don’t go wacky; they just quit. Yeah? Well, I want them back. All of them.

Where I was trying to stop questioning whether or not I thought my heart was racing or if it was about to start racing while I was awake, now I have to wonder what nightmares I may be in for when I go to sleep. I think I am more afraid to sleep than to be awake right now, though I still do fear what my medication may have in store for me later on.

I shoved my yoga pad underneath my sheet and I’m going to see if that blocks the memory foam from causing me to overheat. My guess is that it won’t do me much good. There’s never a quick fix to my problems. Really, nothing is ever short and sweet for me unless it’s something good. My problems are always long-term. I don’t mean weeks or even months, but years. First it’s getting legally screwed until I could get that overturned, then it's poverty, and now it’s my health. If the doctors and I can ever get me feeling better (which I would absolutely love), what would be next?

There’s a 65-year-old woman (in Germany?) who is pregnant by artificial insemination. While I think it is horribly selfish and wrong to have kids at that age, I can’t help but look at her as inspirational. If she can put herself through all that at her age, why can’t I survive this thyroid and menopause bullshit at my age?

For the longest time, I was very much against the use of psych pills after the way they really screwed me over and basically made a guinea pig out of me trying to get me to be the “normal” person they thought I should be, as well as so many others, while I was a ward of the state. Tom read an article that says that the way they handled this type of stuff back in the 70s and 80s was almost criminal. It was horrible the way they lumped so many things together and had practically no understanding of the different types of issues and the proper way to go about treating them. They were too quick to resort to drugs rather than get to the root of the problem, so in a sense, they were no better than those who turned to illegal drugs and alcohol. I’m at the point now where I will take whatever can help me without killing me along the way. As long as it’s the right thing for me and I’m treated as the individual I am and not thrown into some group, labeled or categorized, and needlessly thrown on one drug after another, I am okay with a little artificial help.

Other than a strangely sore throat, which doesn’t feel like the kind of sore throat one has when they’re getting a cold, it isn’t all bad. Bad enough at times, but there is some good going on. My metabolism is moving faster and my body is now burning what it eats. My joints and muscles feel better, although my skin and hair are still a bit dry.

African Tea Rose nail polish really does smell like roses even with a top coat and even after wearing it overnight. I even got an awesome story idea earlier.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2015 Everybody keeps telling me I’m going to get better, but I’m still waiting. Every now and then I think I see a shadow of my old self. I chase that shadow but it remains elusive. Ah, my old self. The one whose worst problems were earaches, allergies and a little dental pain. I really miss her. Well, my TSH may be better but my menopause certainly isn’t.

After just an hour of sleep, I woke up (during a dream about us moving to a park that my sister and my nieces lived in) and overheated with my heart pounding just like I did on February 10. I’m documenting every torturous detail for my own reference as well as to possibly show my doctors. I can’t blame it on the higher thyroid dosage, though; because I wasn’t on 75 the last time it happened. I was on the 50s. Even my doctor said my thyroid isn’t my angel/devil. Other things can be going on.

When it happened in February I was able to just get up, put the fan on and return to sleep a few minutes later, probably because Tom was home. Not this time, though. This time I was home alone and it took me over an hour to get back to sleep and I even had to take a lorazepam. I was trembling like crazy and my body felt like it was on fire even though it was cool in the house. The reason I didn’t take the beta-blocker was that my heart calmed down a few minutes later, and I was pretty sure that it was more about menopause than my thyroid or medication. I don’t want to reach for the rescue pills unless I have an underlying racy heart that just won’t quit.

It is extremely frustrating and even scary having to deal with menopause and anxiety on top of trying to regulate my thyroid medication. It would have been nice if I could have done this one at a time instead of all at once. I’m in a shitty zone right now… Stuck in the middle of the transition. This means that I have hot flashes but I still have PMS and periods too, since they don’t just turn off like a light. So I basically have it all and that’s certainly no fun.

On top of all this female shit, there is still the fear hanging over my head that the raised thyroid dosage may backfire on me. Even if the beta-blocker works if my heart gets out of control, I don’t want to keep suffering and then having to resort to the blocker, but nobody thinks I will have to so that’s good.

My metabolism is undoubtedly speeding up. No doubt about it. This is both scary and exciting. If I can survive this dose without any problems this time around… bye-bye extra 25 pounds.

I’m just afraid of coming full circle. The first time I was bumped up to 75 was around this time of year. Well, my metabolism is moving faster, my appetite is down, and I have to take more number twos. I fear that I will end up with the same severe anxiety just like last year. I hope to hell I am wrong, though! So far it looks like the Prozac is helping, along with the way we took a slower approach to upping my dose this time around, but there’s no way to know what the future holds. We can think we know and we can have our guesses, hopes and assumptions, but we can never know for sure until the future gets here. Well, I need at least three or four months on 75 without any issues for me to finally be able to relax and breathe a sigh of relief and think maybe I am finally home-free. Then I will just have the menopause and the anxiety to deal with, but the anxiety should lessen the longer I continue not to have any medication issues.

The doctor was right, though; 50 mcg wasn’t enough. My metabolism was still too slow. I felt better than on no medication at all, but I was still retaining water, gaining weight easily, and having the driest skin and hair on earth.

The exciting part is seeing my body treat calories like it should treat it. It doesn’t gain weight from a lousy 80-calorie yogurt and hold it for hours and hours. It may gain half a pound instead of a whole pound or more, but then if I don’t eat for a few hours my weight starts dropping like it’s supposed to. Before, however, it’d hover at the same weight even with hours of not eating anything. It was terrible. If I’m going to be overweight I want it to be because I eat too much and not because some disease is preventing me from burning calories properly. I don’t expect to be 100 pounds like I was when I was young, but being older and more solid I might get down to the 120s. If I don’t, it still won’t kill me to stay in the 140s.

Where it got scary was when I thought it was going to keep climbing and climbing and climbing. At barely 5 feet tall there’s only so much weight I can carry.

It was also scary watching it fly off at record speed like it did last summer. Nobody should lose weight that fast.

Either way, I’m not naturally heavy and I’m not naturally inactive, so if the “side effects” don’t kill me, then I guess there’s a chance I may be buying new clothes one of these days soon enough. The most important thing is keeping my heart from feeling like it’s going to jump out of my chest.

As for the menopause, I would really like to get rid of my memory foam mattress. They may be ideal for cold climates, but not California. I just don’t know what to replace it with since almost everything has memory foam toppers these days. For now, I will just use the cover sheet without the blanket, and I will continue to have the fan going.

Another transition I’m stuck in right now is the weather. If you live where you have big high-low fluctuations like we do which averages 30° between night and day, you can literally need both your heat and AC at certain times of the year. The days are nice but the nights are still cold.

I forgot to write about the slave bracelet. A few days ago the question of the day on Ask was what we wear for jewelry. Andy said a slave bracelet. Curious to see what one looked like, I googled it and found it was a bracelet with a chain that goes to a ring. I decided I wanted one, so I picked out a slave bracelet and also a slave ankle bracelet on Amazon. Hope my hands and feet aren’t too small, but eh, they were cheap. My survey change paid for them. I thanked Andy for mentioning that even though I couldn’t picture him wearing one and he cracked up laughing because he said he simply made it up. LOL

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2015 So I was sitting here having my coffee and thinking how wonderful it would be if I never needed those rescue pills and then I realized that that would be too easy. Nothing is ever that easy for me. Nothing.

Sure enough, I get in the shower and lather my hair with shampoo when my heart starts taking off on a mad race and beating hard as well. So I quickly rinsed my hair and jumped out of the shower without conditioning or shaving. I stood stock-still and took slow deep breaths and was able to slow my pulse down rather quickly without having to resort to the beta-blockers.

I’m glad I was able to stop it so soon but I am very disappointed. Even if my logic told me that nothing should be this easy, especially if you’re me, it is still very discouraging. It makes me fear that the more the 75s build up in my system, the more problems I will have. So now I am not only afraid to work out when Tom is not home, but now I’m afraid to shower when he is not home. :(

I’m documenting everything that happens and when it happens for my doctor. I just hope there is nothing else going on with me that has been overlooked, though I doubt it. A part of me wishes my endo was reading my blog regularly, but unless she is set up to dodge tracking, nobody in my area is following me, and nobody is that curious about their patient anyway, LOL.

The good thing is that I don’t feel jittery or any negative emotions nor have I had the runs. Thank goodness I wasn’t on the bike at the time. Tom wonders if the hot shower simply shocked my system since it’s chilly again. I doubt it. The water wasn’t that hot, and if that were the case this would have happened for years. Dr. O said this can happen if you don’t have enough thyroid hormone in your body or if you have too much of it. Well, I certainly don’t have too much of it. Not even close. So I guess this is due to a lack of it. The only question is why I haven’t had this problem for years? My thyroid didn’t crap out on me the day before they diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s. It was a slow, gradual decline that took years. I just hope it doesn’t get worse as my TSH gets lower. As she explained, if I have a pocket of activity in the thyroid, that can cause this. But again, why since last summer and not long before? sighs warily I guess these things are destined to haunt me for the rest of my life. :(

At least I slept better last night. I woke up a few times as usual but was able to go right back to sleep. I dreamed that I was walking down the road in which a penny sat upon every so many yards. I seemed to believe they were used as markers for a movie that was being made.

In another dream, I was moving from somewhere and I asked a young black guy to store my things for me and his shed so that I would have more room to pack stuff up. Eventually, I gave him a couple of folding chairs but right as he was about to put them in his shed I stopped him and said, ”Never mind. I have plenty of room for those chairs.”

Later…

I first want to thank each and every one of my fellow Hashimoto followers who have been reading me and sharing their experiences with me on various blogging sites. Your stories, support and encouragement mean a lot to me, and I am glad if anything I can say helps others as well. Hugs to you all!

Except for that quick “shower beat down” I feel fine. Just a little tired and discouraged. Tom is so sure that in just a matter of months, I’ll be healthier than I have been in the last decade, and I have been pretty healthy since I quit smoking in 1997. I hope he’s right! My sister says that too, once my body adjusts to the new dose. He said he was 75% sure that it was the shower and going from cold to hot. As he pointed out, things change with time and so our bodies may react in ways they didn’t react years ago. Even my thyroid alone is deader than it was a year ago. Well, I sure wish those bastard antibodies would finish killing it off completely so I don’t have to worry about pocket flares!

I totally forgot about how the doctor mentioned that while it’s unlikely, there could be something else going on that we don’t know about. I sure hope that’s not the case! That’s the reason I have Tom go in with me; because he remembers what I’m too wound up to remember myself. But yeah, she said that if I ever have a racing heart that doesn’t stop even with the beta-blocker, call her right away and she’ll get me in for blood work. Then they will determine if an MRI is necessary to see if anything else is going on. Again, I really, really hope that’s not the case! I have learned way more than I ever wanted to about the endocrine system, and I don’t want to ever have to learn about some whole new disease until it’s my time to go. Well, at 49 I’m far from ready to go.

I hope Tom is also right and that I will one day once again be able to go out alone running or biking without being afraid. We always prefer to work out together no matter what, but sometimes our schedules and other things come up and prevent him from going with me. I miss being out there in the middle of the night when all is dead and peaceful, especially during the warmer weather. But the last thing I want is to be a mile away from home at three in the morning when my heart decides to play with me. If I’m working out and then it starts racing, it doubles the speed of the racing. Then if anything causes me to panic I triple it and I certainly don’t want to do that. Sure do miss it, though. I got to know every crack and chip in these roads. I could run ‘em blindfolded.

I almost feel like something up there is preventing me from fully enjoying my home AND the park, but I am determined to beat it at its own twisted game whether that’s the case or not! Still, where it was mostly money problems in Auburn, it’s health problems here… even if this shit disease probably began in my late 30s to early 40s.

It isn’t all bad though, because my metabolism seems to have speeded up a bit. Not much but just a little.

Along with a $500 bill for cutting out my ingrown toenail, my wall sticker silhouette of a figure skater arrived and I placed it on the wall opposite the entry to the kitchen. Another bigger one is on its way and it’s going opposite the laundry room door.

We were talking about how we’re paying ourselves interest instead of the loan people by taking out loans from the 401K, paying ourselves back, and thus giving us more money for retirement in the end.

We still have many home improvements we want to do along the way, and Tom said he wondered why some toilets flush faster than others and so he did some research. It has to do with the size of the tube that the flap is attached to. Ours flushes super slow and even Andy noticed that and said he’s never seen a toilet flush like that before. Well, that’s because the tube is really skinny. If you want a fast-flushing toilet that does a better job of flushing everything down, you need a fatter tube that dumps the water into the toilet bowl faster. So that’s something we’ll definitely look for when it comes time to replace these toilets.

MONDAY, APRIL 20, 2015 While I’m thrilled to say there haven’t been any anxiety issues, going through menopause really sucks shit big time. I fell asleep just after midnight last night and woke up at 4:30. It took me two hours to finally fall back asleep, and I had to take a Benadryl to help me get there after Tom verified online that it would not be a problem with my other meds. I ended up getting up two hours later than expected.

I thought my heart was going to start racing before I fell asleep and then as I was trying to fall back asleep this morning, but luckily for me I was okay. Right now I still feel relaxed enough, though tired. It would be a wonderful waste of money if I never needed that beta-blocker, but it still wouldn't surprise me if sooner or later my heart acted up and I need the rescue pills to come to the rescue. It's like having the bad heart that isn't, and like having my health decline even though I am the same healthy person that I have been for well over a decade so long as there are no medication issues.

I hate how perimenopause is really messing with my sleep. While it may be better to have annoying and frustrating problems than scary ones, it still sucks. I want to do something about it so that I stop waking up so damn often, but I also don't want to add yet another appointment to my already too-long list of appointments. Most of the time I fall back asleep, but lately I am having more days where I am unable to and so I end up lying there for hours. If it weren’t for that, then menopause wouldn't be that big a deal. At least not yet. A little bit of going from warm to cold, prolonged PMS and delayed periods, but that's about it other than the sleeping issues. I should know by the first if my May 7th period is going to be late.

In happier news, Andy is surprising me with something he promises I will love that he ordered online. This is to help take my mind off the medical stuff. Isn’t that just so damn sweet of him?

Also, my good buddy Aly who just turned 34, let me know she’s just a text or a tweet away if I need anything. That is really sweet of her. I appreciate having such a wonderful support system.

I am keeping in touch with my sister as well, and Tom offered to come home earlier if need be, but since I feel okay there’s no point in having him leave early.

Irene says Nane hasn’t posted anything to her wall since January, and that she hasn’t heard from her since October. She is ignoring all her messages. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but a part of me feels bad because I wonder if it has to do with me. Nane knows we’re friends after all. Irene assured me that all was okay because she has enough friends, and I let her know that I would always be her friend.

Either way, she cracks me up when we chat live or she writes to me with the way she mixes English with her German. Or tries to anyway. If I didn’t know this much German it would be very hard to communicate with her because her English is so limited.

Still hear from Mitch and Christine at times, but I rarely hear from Adonis and Eileen.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015 Still no problems with the new medication dosage – yay! I’m not out of the woods yet, though. Far from it. It took 2.5 months to be a problem the first time I was on the 75s. I feel amazingly relaxed so far and if that’s the Prozac talking, fine. As long as I feel better! I am a bit nervous at the prospect of being alone tomorrow, though.

I woke up warm a few times last night and for a minute there I was worried my heart was out of control again, but I was fine once I pushed the covers off of me and cooled off. Really wish memory foam hadn’t been invented, but I know that part of the waking up and being overheated was the menopause.

Went for a short, slow bike ride and had no problems there either.

Sometimes we ask ourselves why a certain thing is the way it is and we draw a complete blank. They don’t know for sure why some people get certain diseases any more than we know why most fears and phobias can eventually be overcome while most of us still have one or two that we just can’t seem to kick out of our lives. Why has driving always terrified me? I have never been in a car accident of any serious kind. Maybe in a past life? Not sure I believe in “past lives,” though.

I once asked a therapist if I should keep trying to push myself to get past this particular fear. She said I did right by trying to overcome it the half a dozen or so times I tried to, but after so many tries it’s best to accept that it’s just part of who I am, we all have fears of some kind or another, and pushing myself too much on such a thing could only put my life as well as the lives of others in danger. I agree. The last thing I would want to do was panic on the road and kill myself and God knows who else. Besides, I’ve made it this far in life on foot, bikes, buses, and my husband’s car, so why change what works?

I could probably overcome my fear of spiders by getting a pet tarantula and my fear of open heights by going bungee jumping or something like that, but the driving one is mine to keep, like it or not, and Tom and I are ok with that. Even if some others might not be despite the fact that it doesn’t affect or pertain to them. If I ever need a ride from anyone in the park here, I will make sure they are reimbursed by way of either cash or a favor.

I couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope and even excitement over something he read that suggests they may soon have the answer to solving my type of sleep issues. They’re always doing experiments to find cures for things, as we know, and instead of the timing of when lights go on and off in order to help promote sleep at the proper times, they’re finding that color matters more than time. Switching the light to blue at night seems to help. Will have to look into it more as it is tested and hopefully developed enough so I can maybe get on schedule and get out there and work at least part-time even if it’s not financially necessary for me to do so with all he makes. That will be MY decision, though, when and if I am ever cured. Not society’s and not what’s “in” or “normal” or “acceptable” for a woman in the year 20-whatever.

With my shit luck, though, I’ll be cured when I’m too old to work. The rolling of the schedule has at least slowed down a bit due to age. I used to sleep 10-12 hours fairly often, but now I rarely do. I’ve been sleeping the average 8 hours. If I could get it down to 6-7 that’d help a lot.

I’ve lost thousands and thousands of dollars due to not being able to work cuz of this shit, and couldn’t qualify for disability cuz I am married, but mostly because I didn’t work enough when I was younger to qualify. It’s a totally twisted system. If one is disabled, they should get benefits whether they’ve worked a little, none at all, are married or single. But that’s one of the few things about modern-day marriages they still consider as “joint,” even though these days there is so, so much separatism within most marriages. But just like they wouldn’t give me food stamps if I had a shitty paying job thanks to Tom making good money, they wouldn’t give me disability with all he makes either. The biggest thing, though, is how little I worked in the past. It’s like that with unemployment too; the more you work, the more you qualify for. But disability should be different. At least I think they oughta change the laws on that. Especially when we have doctors that could vouch for us.

Went to KFC yesterday and ended up walking out after no one would take our order. Part of that was because they were understaffed and the stupid kid that was dealing with orders had to correct some mistakes he made.

So we walked around the corner to Little Caesars and ordered a small pizza, half mushroom for me, half pepperoni for him. He thought his was so good that he ate too much too fast and got an upset stomach. I had a dream he threw up, but he never did, so that’s good. I can’t usually eat more than two slices at once.

I dreamed I was out walking someplace when I heard some other woman telling some people who had gathered about a crime she witnessed. I noticed that the criminal, another woman, was in the audience listening. “She’s so dead now for ratting her out,” I said to myself.

I might’ve had another dream revolving around water. I don’t know if it was a lake or an ocean but I was in the water telling someone how much I’d love to live on a houseboat in Hawaii someday.

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2015 Someone was quick to remind me that whether or not there is a God up there, nothing is singling me out and picking on my health. After all, everybody gets something sooner or later. So if I were really being punished then nobody else would have any disease or health issues. Yeah, yeah I know, but it still sucks just the same until I get my body to tolerate the proper dose of thyroid meds.

So far, so good. I took 5 mg of Prozac last night and it didn’t put me in a fog or anything like that. I might’ve had a slightly dry mouth and that was it. It’s just a temporary aid to take the edge off my anxiety while my thyroid meds are being worked out. Not something I’ll be on indefinitely. Unless I need anxiety meds for menopause or anything else, I hope to be taking just my thyroid meds by the fall and maybe – maybe – statins. We’re hoping that lowering my TSH will get me out of having to take statins. Doc O said the Prozac can take 2 weeks to really work at which time I shouldn’t, and therefore hopefully won’t, notice any changes for the worse.

My first dose of 75 mcg of levothyroxine for this round began at 8am. If I can get past 4pm I’ll be a little more hopeful. Last time I made it to 8 hours and was just about to think I might be ok when a “heart attack” got me. The beta-blocker is on hand if my heart takes off on a run. As I told Tom, I’d prefer for that not to happen, but if it does, I hope he’s here so I can take the blocker with him around and not have to go it alone in case of adverse reactions. It’s a lot less scary to have any kind of a crisis with someone around versus when you’re all alone like when the first episode hit me last July.

My only complaint so far today, which really isn’t a complaint, is that I’m a little tired. Probably cuz I had such a stressful week. I definitely do feel more relaxed than one would think I should feel considering what happened the last two times I was on the 75s. Tom thinks it’s going to work out this time, not just because of the tools I have on hand to help with “beat downs” this time around, but because they started me on 25s and then I was on the 50s longer, so my body had more time to get acclimated. The first time I was started on 50s and jumped to 75s in less than 3 months.

For now… we’re going to KFC and hoping for the best!

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2015 Andy said his mother gets along very well with David’s wife and their daughter and she will basically ignore David while she’s there. She must still be really disappointed to have to return to that climate. She must also be grateful that she at least has several people with whom she can stay, even if she might not get along with all of them. Who could we ever stay with?

Although Andy did wish me luck with the second appointment, I’m not surprised he told me he just skims the medical stuff in my journal because he doesn’t like to read medical stuff when he eats. But none of the medical stuff I’ve ever written is gory. I think it’s just because he’s not interested. He is as insensitive as he is compassionate. He has all the bleeding heart in the world for blacks when they were slaves, but no compassion whatsoever for people like Robin Williams.

I am both fearful and hopeful for tomorrow. My fear is also turning to anger because I am sick to death of having to wake up and wonder if I will feel okay or if something scary will happen. I’m tired of fighting to get my body to tolerate the medication it needs. I’d still rather the symptoms of not enough thyroid hormone than any insane effects like I was having months ago, but it sure would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too, by treating this disease properly without feeling like shit along away.

The key is to stop worrying and questioning every little thing I feel. It’s a lot easier said than done at times, but like the doctor herself agreed, ignorance is sometimes bliss. She wouldn’t even go over the possible side effects of the new meds with me other than the obvious… Sluggishness. Hopefully, I won’t have to live in a fog in order to tolerate the medicine that my body needs. That was my fear of seeing a shrink like my old doctor recommended. I didn’t want to become a zombie just to get healthier. I do want to treat the anxiety, however.

So tonight I begin the new chill pill and then tomorrow it’s up to 75 mcgs. Fingers crossed!

My dreams are turning negative again and I really hope that’s not a bad sign right there. It sure could be for Charlotte, though. I had two dreams in which I was told she was “missing.” Natalie was one of the informants. It was nighttime and I was running along a path that threaded its way between some buildings. There were lots of trees and shrubbery along the way and I’m guessing they may have been apartment buildings or condos or something like that.

I spotted Natalie sitting just outside her door. The light beside her door illuminated her just enough for me to recognize her. I stopped, doubled back, jogged up to her, and said “Natalie? Is that you?” She looked up at me and I said, “It’s me, Jodi.”

In another dream, I might have been telling somebody that I had no place to live and nothing to eat. Not a very happy dream at all.

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2015 The night before last I had rather unpleasant dreams. One dealt with us being tight financially, and the other dealt with being dragged back to court on account of the blacks. I was sitting in a room at a huge table with several others. I spotted a manila envelope on the table with several names on it, mine being included. It was the supposed evidence against me. I opened the envelope and poured out its contents onto the table. One of the things I remember being present was a Post-it pad.

I assured the others that there was no way in hell I would be railroaded again. There would be no jail. There would be no probation. There would be no nothing.

Andy told me his mother is moving back to Massachusetts because she’s not getting along with Linda here in California and there’s no room for her at Marla’s house. According to Andy, Linda, David and Gary are hard to live with. Yet she is going to live with David in Springfield. Why go from one person that’s hard to live with to another that’s hard to live with? And why not go to Andy? He’s always home. On the other hand, I’m sure most would agree that Andy is very hard to live with. He’s very hard to please, and given his selfish ways, he’s not usually willing to compromise.

Kind of hurt that he never asked about my appointment, quite unlike Aly, but again, that’s just the way he is. For a guy who prefers to hear mostly happy things, he sure does read an awful lot of news.

Later…

Today’s appointment was quite simple compared to yesterday’s. My toe is healing nicely and “Amanda Knox” said that hopefully, I will be in the 90% as far as any unwanted regrowth goes, but to let her know if there are any future problems. I call her Amanda Knox because it hit me today that that’s exactly who she looks like. The only difference with this Amanda is that she is way too skinny and has a gap between her front teeth.

I really thought once I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism that it would be a simple matter of taking a pill every day and forgetting about it. I had no idea it would be such a complex ordeal with such horrible and scary problems along the way. I just really hope to hell that the additional medication she gave me will help me tolerate the higher doses of levothyroxine.

I think I might have gotten some names wrong in my last entry. The Fluoxetine is the chill pill I’ll be taking daily which is basically Prozac. The medication I will take as needed if the thyroid meds make my heart race is called Atenolol.

I forget which one it is but one of these drugs makes teens and young adults kill themselves, so they don’t give it to young people. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, some medications really CAN make a person commit suicide. It’s not about them being spoiled and one day saying to themselves, “I’ve got it all, but eh, I think I’ll just throw it all away today for the hell of it.” No one in their right mind does that.

I was also wrong in saying my endo has nearly 20 years of experience when it’s actually nearly 28 years of experience. I have already corrected that.

Tammy confirmed that yes, she not only has to take statins but our parents and brother did, too. So it’s a family thing. My primary doctor wants me on low doses of statins every other day, but I want to wait until my next blood test, which will be before I see my endo again in June.

Meanwhile, the fluoxetine starts tomorrow night and then the higher dose of thyroid meds starts on Saturday morning. Yes, I am still scared shitless. I really need to see that these new tools that the doc has given me help before I actually believe. Not saying she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s just that for me, seeing is believing when it comes to such scary things. Had the problems I had been annoying, like the hair loss I’ve had, that would’ve been one thing. But feeling like you’re going to have a heart attack is a whole ‘nother story.

That’s another thing I got wrong. Yes, the levothyroxine does cause hair loss, but only at first. She says I’m still losing hair because my TSH is too high, which she shocked the shit out of me by saying she’s seen as high as over 900 in some people.

I’m just getting really tired of living in fear. Whether something up there is picking on me for reasons I’ll never know, or this is all just random chance, I am so, so sick of having to worry. I miss the days when I wasn’t so scared of what might happen. Oh, I’ve had stress in the past, but this is a whole new level of fear and anxiety that is really hard to live with, especially when I’m alone. Tom is going to make a point of leaving work earlier depending on my schedule, and hopefully, that will help until I get settled into whatever and also get my hormones checked to see how much of this anxiety may be caused by menopause setting in. Worst case scenario I have to remain on 50 mcg even if that’s not enough to get my thyroid up to optimal levels.

Using part coding and park electronics, Tom made this really cool motion sensor that changes color given how close you are to it. What we want to do is make our color-changing tape light more flexible as far as what it can do, when and how. It’s in the hall to replace the nightlight we have plugged in there and I like how it lights the way for us when we walk by, but it doesn’t need to stay on a whole two minutes after we’ve passed through the hallway. That will be one of the things he’ll change.

Got some nice little goodies along the way, which helps to balance out the worrisome parts of life. I really like my glow-in-the-dark yellow neon nail polish. I also like the latest erotic bronze statue I got, plus the things I got at Target today.

The idea was to look for new sleeveless dresses now that the weather is warming up, but I didn’t find anything I liked. Instead, I got a nice necklace with gold loops and a set of decorative lighters for the incense I shouldn’t be burning with the mess it can make. Love incense, though!

I have a couple more silhouette wall stickers on the way of figure skaters.

After Target we grabbed a couple of insanely greasy slices of pizza at Sam’s Club, and then we picked up our prescriptions.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15, 2015 My appointment with my endo was both enlightening and complex. I will try to remember all the details with as much accuracy as I can. She explained to me how my TSH and cholesterol levels could be up when nothing in my life has changed, but I’m not sure I get it. Tom understood because he is better at numbers. Basically, there isn’t much difference between a TSH of 13 versus 21 as far as doctors are concerned and the numbers aren’t as precise as I thought they were. Still, I need to be somewhere under 10.

She said the problem is that I’ve been blaming all my symptoms on my thyroid and neither that nor the medication are the only factors in my case. She wants me to treat the anxiety as well as the thyroid. She believes my anxiety can also be due to the trauma of what happened last year as well as menopause setting in, which does make sense. I described my symptoms to her (the anxiety, going from hot to cold, waking up a lot during my sleep) and she wants me to schedule an appointment at the behavioral clinic so that they can test my hormones to see what else can be done to ease my anxiety. I swear these appointments are like cockroaches! One breeds another and another and another… Still, I should be appointment-free till June after tomorrow because that’s when my endo wants to see me again, and she said it usually takes months to get into the behavioral clinic. IDK, maybe my old doctor was right and I need a shrink or something, LOL. She did say that every one out of five people suffers from anxiety. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person; it’s just never been this bad. I fear exercising will elevate my heart too much and I’m sometimes even afraid to be left alone. Not like I was a few months ago, but still, this is no way to live. I’m simply not ok with not feeling well. Some days are better than others, of course, when I feel like my old self.

She had me swallow while she “strangled” me and my thyroid isn’t enlarged. I held out my hands as instructed as well. No jitters. So that much is good.

She said anxiety can be caused by too little of the thyroid hormone as well as too much of it. Then she said what I both feared and knew she would say… I need to go up to 75mcgs, probably even 100. Only this time she has provided me with a heart medication of sorts (Fluoxetine) that is supposed to tame the body’s adrenaline and help keep my heart from racing. Gosh, I hope so!

She also prescribed Prozac to take as needed. She said I could take that or the lorazepam I still have in order to take the edge off my anxiety if my anxiety levels go up. The adrenaline tamer is something I will have to take every day.

I thought that the medication was what was causing my hair to fall out, but she says it’s actually because there is not enough thyroid hormone in my body. It is also why my skin is dry and I have water retention. My weight wasn’t up like I expected it to be, though. I was actually down a pound.

I asked her if there were any particular foods or natural remedies I can take to help either my thyroid or my cholesterol and she said no, although she agrees that backing off of foods like eggs would help my cholesterol. My cholesterol mostly went up because of my thyroid crashing on me, and they also suspect I might have a defective gene running in my family so it’s a genetic thing as well. I asked Tammy if she or anyone else in our immediate family took medication for cholesterol that she knew of when they were alive. She hasn’t checked in on Facebook in a few days. Hopefully, she’s just busy and not sick. Doc A wants me back on statins every other day, but we’re going to wait till Doc O confers with her first to see if we should start that right away or hold off for now. I don’t want to take on too much too soon. I already feel greatly overwhelmed as it is.

The doctor stressed my need to treat both the thyroid and anxiety, as I said, and asked if I had suicidal thoughts since some conditions can cause such thoughts along with certain life events and medications, but fortunately, I have not had that. I sure wonder what my purpose is in life at times, though. Despite that, my life is actually wonderful aside from this thyroid, menopause and anxiety shit. In fact, it would be damn near perfect if I just didn’t have these issues to deal with. She said that much was good because she would want to know about it right away so that they could deal with it properly and help me to feel better, but hopefully, I’ll never have suicidal thoughts. What would help me to feel better is being able to take the amount of thyroid medication that my individual body needs without severe anxiety. I really hope that the stuff she prescribed to help keep my heart from racing is going to help make the higher doses more tolerable, but I would be a total liar if I said I wasn’t scared shitless because I am. She tells me I worry too much and tend to overanalyze things and she is correct. But sometimes telling myself everything will be okay and I don’t have to worry isn’t always so easy, even though she assures me I’m not in danger and it can’t kill me. She said she has been treating people for nearly 28 years and has never killed anybody yet. That’s good, LOL.

So I pretty much laid it all out on the table so she would have as much info as she could about me that may help her help me in a more efficient manner… my ear, my sleep disorder, the screwy periods, waking up a lot, anxiety, racing heart, going from warm to cold, etc.

I’m sure there are more details that have slipped my mind, but the main thing is hoping that I can up my dose in a way that’s not going to make me feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Let’s hope to hell this adrenaline/heart stuff she gave me will help. The plan is to start it on Friday, then start the 75s on Saturday when Tom will be home.

After the doctor, we grabbed lunch at Carl’s, then hit the nearby Goodwill in search of any goodies. He didn’t find anything, but I found a couple of cute figurines. One is a bright green porcelain ballerina fairy, and another is a tiny black doll that’s pretty realistic looking. She wears a molded magenta dress with a blue hem and a bright pink sweater. She also has a magenta hat.

Tomorrow I will see the foot doctor to check my toe, which I think will be fine, and then Tom and I will both pick up our prescriptions. We are going to do a little shopping after that at Sam’s to get some things we need.

TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 2015 Survived yesterday’s 10-hour water outage, even though I didn’t feel so great for most of the morning. I am a little nervous about being left alone today, but I think I’ll feel more relaxed the later it gets.

I’m not surprised that Jodi Arias got life, even though I think the death penalty would’ve been most appropriate. I don’t see why it had to take two hours to sentence the crazy bitch either. I thought victim impact statements had already been given. Besides, the judge knew what sentence she was going to impose long before the statements were even given, so nothing they could have said, as true and as heart-wrenching as it may have been, would have changed anything. I know how judges are… Once they make up their minds, that’s it. They’re very stubborn individuals who are very hard to persuade.

The sheriff promised some kind of grand documentation of the seven years Jodi was in Estrella jail (after contradicting himself by saying that her so-called 15 minutes of fame was over), and while I’m sure it would make for an interesting read, I’m not sure how much of it will be authentic. People often lie and exaggerate when writing about those they dislike. It’s human nature. You know, sort of like the media? Yesterday was a good example of that when they said that Jodi stopped talking, turned, then supposedly glared at a baby who cried out in court. Well, I didn’t see any glare present on Jodi’s face. I think she was just distracted and turned to glance behind her out of curiosity. I would be kind of curious myself. After all, courtrooms aren’t exactly the place to bring a baby.

They spoke of Perryville as being an awful place, and while it most certainly is no joyful place to be and I would rather be dead than spend the rest of my life there, I can personally say that it is going to be a lot better than Estrella. She is going to have a lot more freedom and options. Not at first, though. They usually start them in solitary for the first six months or so, and if you prefer to be alone as opposed to with a cellmate to keep you company, then that’s quite an ideal set-up right there. Many inmates will beg mercilessly and will not shut up.

She’ll be bored, depressed and lonely, but the food and many other things are going to be better. If she is ever in general population we can hope somebody shanks her, but jails and prisons usually aren’t quite what they are on TV.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a huge and crowded room where a dinner party was held in which the president was present. Only the president was a stout black woman in her 50s. I was talking to her with somebody else and they were talking about their weight. I said, ”Mine can’t be lost mostly due to a dead thyroid, but I don’t mind being a little voluptuous as long as it doesn’t get worse.”

At one point the president gave me a hug for being there and then I asked her if I could get my camera and find somebody to take a picture of us. She said I could, so I went back to my table for two in search of my little pink camera. I started to worry it was stolen at first, but a few seconds later I noticed it wedged in between the condiments. I snatched it up and then went in search of somebody to take the picture for us but I couldn’t find anybody I knew.

In another dream, I was talking with a really attractive redheaded woman who was speaking German, though I don’t remember what she said. As we spoke in German, another woman asked yet another woman how long it would take her to learn English. She told her it would take about 2 to 3 years.

Later…

Ever want to scream and shout and punch things? That’s how I felt for a while and now all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry.

My primary care doctor’s nurse called to tell me that not only are my cholesterol and thyroid numbers too high, but they’re even higher than the last time! Nothing has changed in my life, though. Nothing. I still try to limit treats to weekends, I have been watching my cholesterol, I have been exercising, and I take my medication daily. So what the fuck is going on?

My TSH is up to 21 (no wonder I’ve been gaining weight even if it’s just a few pounds), my total cholesterol is 287, and my LDL (bad cholesterol) is 203. According to online charts, that is considered very high for my age group, and a risk to my heart, which is already at risk thanks to heart disease running rampant and my family. I wonder if some of the things I’ve felt lately are connected to that. I have a list of notes to ask the doctor tomorrow.

The nurse said the doctor will decide what to do based on how tomorrow’s appointment with my endo doc goes.

I am just so fucking pissed, scared and frustrated! I can’t take more than 50mcgs of levothyroxine without the killer anxiety and racy heart, so I feel like I am totally stuck either way. I know they can bring the numbers down to where they need to be, but how the hell can they do it without me feeling like I’m going to die while they’re at it???

A part of me is tempted to just say fuck it and give up on my health completely. But I feel like I would suffer either way. I will suffer if I try to treat this and I will suffer if I don’t. Tom said not to jump the gun and that maybe there are options we don’t know about, but I think that if they were out there we would know about them. Oh well, I’m going to die someday anyway no matter what happens in the end. Right now I am too distraught to do anything but cry and whine and worry my ass off.

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2015 Yesterday was a fun and annoying day. No, the annoyance didn’t have anything to do with landscaping or somebody running power tools. Instead, the park did something they never did before in the whole time we’ve lived here and I hope they never do again. They had a live band playing which could be heard in the house. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t fucking believe it. This is a retirement community, not a vacation resort!

I was lounging in bed reading when I first heard base thumping and thought somebody had driven into the park with loud music and parked behind the house. That’s when I remembered that it said in the newsletter that they were going to have a picnic and a live band today, but I assumed that the band would be indoors. They played behind the pool which is quite a ways away from our house, so that should tell you how loud it was. Even Tom, who’s a lot more tolerant to noise than I am, agreed that it was way too loud for the park. You couldn’t hear much of it in the living room, but you could hear it in the bedrooms. I felt like I was in Phoenix all over again next to the welfare bums who loved to sit outside blasting car stereos while they played basketball barely an arm’s length away from the wall of our house. Well, I didn’t come here for that shit. The daily landscaping is annoying enough, with traffic being runner-up. I hate it when people force their activities on me like that. I don’t make anybody listen to my shit, so it would be nice to have the same respect in return. On the other hand, if I ever did want to blast my music, nobody would mind as long as it was in the daytime.

Another park pisser is that today is the day the water is going to be turned off from 9 AM to 7 PM. Really, REALLY hope this is it as far as these water games go. If they were smart they would have done it right the first time around even if that meant having to turn the water off all day so they could fix the whole park at once. Having to turn the water off for a few hours a dozen or so times a year could have been avoided.

The garden tub is full for flushing toilets and we have plenty of bottled water. I wonder if they’re going to tear up any of the streets near our place?

I slept a little better last night, though I’m surprised I didn’t sleep eight hours. Close enough, though. Today I have a bit of a sinus headache and allergies because I have been slacking off on my allergy spray. Gotta remember to take that at least every other day.

I ordered some neon yellow glow-in-the-dark nail polish from Amazon with my survey savings.

Damn heart of mine acted up again a little while ago. :( It started booming, I felt warm, had to do a #2, then I felt chilled, then had the partial runs, then still felt chilled and slightly short of breath. Could it be connected to menopause? Thyroid pocket flare? Upcoming doctor appointment jitters?

Tom thinks I am just nervous about the water going off today and my two upcoming appointments this week. Well, the water going off can’t hurt me, but I am a little worried about the appointments, especially the blood work and the endo doc.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12, 2015 Andy and I were talking about what’s acceptable to us versus what’s not acceptable as far as friends and family go. I totally agree and understand how he says that he’s willing to put up with phony people in the workplace, but not in his personal life. As I told him, as soon as Person A decides to crack insults over my ear, and Person B thinks they have the right to insult and make fun of my fears or phobias, and Person C thinks it's their place to tell me that I'm wrong for liking wall stickers and rats, I’m gone. There’s nothing I can’t stand more than one who expects everybody else to tolerate and accept them as they are without judgment or criticism, then who turns around and hypocritically picks on and condemns others that are different than they are. Picking on people who rape, beat and murder is one thing, but picking on someone simply for their lifestyle, preferences, tastes, fears, appearance and beliefs is another.

It isn’t that I would go running and bawl my eyes out over somebody who insulted my appearance and cry myself through a box of Kleenex or two; it’s the principle of the point. Any person who could or would do that to me or to anyone else, well, that pretty much tells me something about the person they are and I wouldn’t want people like that in my life. Without influencing him one way or the other, I reminded him that he has a right to pick and choose who remains in his life and who doesn’t.

I didn’t know this but I guess Andy didn’t communicate with some of his family members for three years. This was during the time we weren’t connected. He feels they are not supportive of him, consider him a burden and an annoyance, and also consider his hobbies stupid and immature. Technically his imaginary band tour would be considered immature by most people, but it isn’t harming anybody. It’s not like he can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

Still, the guy is annoyingly immature at times so I can understand their reasoning as far as that goes. He’s a 53-year-old guy acting like a teenager. His immaturity comes out in much of what he says and does, and even in some of the pictures he posts. Personality-wise, he really is no different than he was 20 years ago.

This sleeping shitty really does need to stop. Definitely going to mention that and this very heavy and crampy period to my doctor and see if there’s a connection to either menopause or my medication. Tom read that they can either get heavier or lighter as menopause sets in, and I did skip last month so it could be making up for lost time, so to speak.

Last night really sucked because I not only kept waking up, but I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple of hours at one point. I took a Benadryl to help me get back to sleep. I don’t feel well-rested at all. If this becomes a regular thing it could really take my schedule issues to a whole new level that wouldn’t be any fun at all. I just can’t get my body to stay asleep and sleep straight through those eight hours I usually sleep.

Tom and I went to Walmart earlier, and as always, before we got to the groceries I checked out both smelly stuff and nail stuff. Tried a couple of flowery testers and then I discovered Revlon’s transforming effects. I didn’t buy any of it because I wanted to research it first. Looks good. So does the scented nail polish they also now have. Will have to try some next time. Might get some neon-colored glow-in-the-dark nail polish on Amazon.

I was looking at a picture of Marie’s latest girlfriend, Lori. What a butchie-looking lady. I’m kind of surprised, too. I’ve always known her to be with feminine women before.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 2015 The blood has been drawn and the numbers are in. Just gotta hope those numbers are good! They drew 3 vials for 3 tests… cholesterol, TSH and T3. They were much friendlier and did a much better job, too. Tina was able to draw blood on the first shot.

The only sucky thing was that it was a longer drive and a longer wait. I had to wait over a half-hour; some of the time listening to this brat scream out at random, startling me and making me wonder why its mother allowed for it. Does anyone teach their kids manners and respect these days? Anyone at all?

They also had it utterly freezing in there. It was still in the 50s outside yet they had their AC blasting. Their thermostat said it was 66° in the place. Brrr!

So after the vamp, we grabbed breakfast at McDonald’s, which was just so-so. I got one of those breakfast platters. I was absolutely famished because I had been fasting since getting up 10 hours earlier.

Then we got home, Tom returned to work, and I touched base with my sister on Facebook.

They were paving some of the roads by the office, so we noticed, and I really hope they don’t do the roads around here anytime soon. They don’t seem like they need it, and that would be a very long and loud project to have to deal with. That’s not something they can do in just a few hours.

With my period in full swing and not eating much all day, I fell asleep a little early. Sure enough, I slept shitty. I kept waking up every hour or two either because I was too warm, too crampy, or just because. I don’t know if this has to do with menopause or my medication, but I will mention it to the doctor when I see her on Wednesday. The good thing is that I usually feel rested enough when I finally do get up.

Thanks to all the overtime Tom’s been working, we treated ourselves to a little bonus on Amazon, at his insistence. He got some electronics-related things and I got six decorative light plates to put throughout the house, plus another bronze erotic mini statute to add to my collection.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 2015 Tom’s going to work this Saturday, so I am fasting now and going to a different lab this morning instead of tomorrow. He’s going to leave work for a few hours today in order to take me to the lab and then take us both out for lunch. Luckily his being the boss allows him less flexibility.

Whether or not this new lab we’re going to try has any rude vamps like that Asian bitch, I don’t know that they’ll have an easier time drawing blood for me since my veins are still tiny. You would think that they would have some way to deal with people like me. I mean they draw blood from kids, don’t they? Either way, I just hope the cholesterol and TSH numbers are down!

Tom and I were laughing about the entry I did about how embarrassed I was to start my period when I was just 9 years old and how things that are such a big deal to us when we’re kids are shit we laugh at when we get older. Those few extra pounds I’m okay with keeping these days… I would never in a million years be okay with when I was 20 years old. These days I prefer food to hunger, although I was a lot less hungry when I was younger. Sure seemed that way anyway. If they come up with a magic pill without side effects in my lifetime, maybe I’ll go for it but until then… I eat when I’m hungry and work out 4 to 5 days a week.

Still sleeping kind of shitty but I feel rested enough. Just one hour into my sleep I awoke with a nightmare. Our house looked totally different. I was in the bedroom making the bed when I heard an old-fashioned phone ring in the kitchen. I looked at the clock and found that it was evening, and figured that it was unlikely to be a sales call since it was getting kind of late. So I answered and it was Tom. He was working late and sounded a little funny, almost like there were two Toms saying different things at once. ”Who are you talking to?” I asked.

”You,” He said.

Then it was light outside and I stepped out of the kitchen and into the living room, which didn’t seem to have any walls. Also, next door’s driveway was literally right outside the place and I saw two young guys in their 20s or 30s that I knew to be visiting them. I caught a glimpse of one walking down their driveway for a split second before he went out of view. Then I turned to walk back into the kitchen when I saw the other guy standing in the middle of it. “WTF?” I shouted, then I woke up telling Tom to call the police. The idea was to have him call for help while I went after the guy, but unfortunately, I woke up before I got to kick his ass.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 2015 Norma once again shared an article about black people who were wrongly convicted of a crime. It’s sad that she, along with so many others, seems to only care when they’re black.

I shared a story of a white woman who was also wrongly convicted, in hopes of reminding people that police corruption and legal injustice happen to ALL races and not to be fooled just because the media chooses to focus on one group nowadays.

Another unarmed black guy was shot dead by a cop, which someone filmed and gave to the media. Naturally, the media is painting a rosy picture of the black guy. If he was so innocent, then why was he running instead of complying with orders to stop? Not that I’m a fan of cops with the way so many of them are violent towards ALL races, but if you run when they tell you to stop of course you’re going to get shot.

As usual, though, race has nothing to do with it even though that's the first thing that comes to people's minds. I truly believe the same exact shit happens to ALL races who run when the police shout, “Freeze!” Only you don’t hear about those cases because, well, only black lives matter, right?

Really, I am so, so fucking sick of hearing about this shit, but sadly I see no end in sight. First they want what we have. We give that to them plus more, and they're STILL not happy. Now they want to be able to be thugs without being shot. WTF?

Damn! My period started. I was really hoping this was it, but on the bright side, it will relieve my PMS symptoms. These days that is worse than the actual period. An ibuprofen kills cramps but there is nothing that kills PMS. I've tried everything on the market and nothing works.

The fucking park is going to have our water turned off for 10 hours on Monday. I am SO SO tempted to deduct from the space rent! Why pay 100% for 90% service? Thank goodness for the garden tub which will be filled, and we always drink bottled water and soda anyway. Pouring a bucket of water down a toilet flushes it so that’s why I’ll fill the tub. It sucks that I’ll be up during those hours, too. I hear insanely loud landscaping nearly every single fucking day and now this? Well, the office can go fuck themselves!

In other news, I had loads of fun setting up the new blogs yesterday, but it sure is a lot of work and will take several months to complete.

I have definitely made a full recovery and it feels great to be able to be left alone without the fear of something going wrong with my heart or whatever. I just hope the cholesterol numbers are down and that my endo continues to care more about how I feel than what the numbers say on my TSH results! I think she will. She seems like a really good doctor. There’s no comparison between her and my old endo.

In last night's dream, I seemed to be awakening from minor surgery. I was startled at first by this hissing sound that greeted me as I opened my eyes. A feminine voice reassured me, which might have been my dentist's.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 2015 Jenny Seagrove, the English actress I’m connected to on Twitter, replied to my tweet about her dog. It sort of looked like a Border Collie, but she said it was an English Springer. It’s cute even though I’ll never be a dog person.

Five ballerinas now dance upon the laundry room walls. I still have to take pictures sometime since we painted.

We got a surprising amount of rain on Sunday as well as yesterday. What pissed me off was when a loud peal of thunder woke me up. I slept shittier than shitty, waking up constantly. That is one of the symptoms listed on the perimenopause list so maybe that’s part of why I’ve been doing that because I have actually woken up during my sleep before I was on levothyroxine. I thought I would need two cups of coffee to jolt me awake but one was enough.

Tom read a language blurb that said that it isn’t that most people can’t learn languages so much as that they’re not willing to invest the time that it takes. It definitely does take a long time to get to the point where you know enough to get by. I’m only learning Dutch this fast because I have already studied German and my brain is used to learning foreign languages.

Another thing I’m lucky to have that a lot of people don’t have is the ability to hear the language in the first place. It’s the audio equivalent of being visibly observant. Many people aren’t able to hear the subtle sound differences that aren’t present in their native languages, but for some reason, I can. Tom thinks it’s because I can sing. Even if you’re not the greatest singer but still have relatively good pitch to hear the notes, it would make sense that you would be able to hear both the major and subtle sound differences within the languages.

Got a view on Blogger from somebody in Tom’s River, New Jersey who did a few variations on searches for God that I was so sure for some reason was from Polly. But when I double-checked, Polly’s listed as living in Orange, Connecticut. I swear the person has been in before and I thought they were the ones who searched for “abortion” and Polly’s name.

Last night I had a dream that Paula was showing me her nails that she had just done, and then there was this strange repetitious sound that I’m not sure was part of the dream or if it was real. It was 6:30 at the time. Tom would have been home so I will have to ask him.

In another dream, I was talking to an Indian couple (some of their friends and family were present as well) but they seemed to have a hard time understanding me. I said in a frustrated tone, “I’ve got to learn Hindi.” Then I remembered that Raj had said it wasn’t an easy language.

In another dream scene was another Indian couple in which Tom and I saw the man propose to the woman. The woman accepted and we were very happy for them.

Then Tom and I were lying in a back bedroom somewhere chatting. Dreamy music was playing from somewhere in front of the house and I commented to Tom about the music being very soothing. He agreed with a relaxed smile.

Then Andy and a friend stepped into the room asking where something they wanted to use was, though I don’t know what. I told him he could use it but to look for it himself because I hated to look for things.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2015 I began my period when I was only nine years old. Back in those days, one tended to be embarrassed by it and not so open about it as we tend to be these days.

For both the third and fourth grades I was in what was cruelly known as the Retard Room. The “RR” wasn’t only for those who were slow, but for those like me who didn’t get that no matter how many times her mother may club her over the head with whatever object was handy and convenient at the moment, grinning through the classroom window while the teacher and students tore up the room in search of the little girl’s glasses that she hid, was simply unacceptable behavior.

So I was basically a two-in-one… slow plus a troublemaker = doubly fucked up.

During the fourth grade when my period started, I would take my “supplies” to the ladies’ room.

“Jodi’s taking a brown paper bag into the bathroom,” one boy whined in a tattletale tone to Mr. Kelly, the school’s only male teacher back in the mid-70s.

“It’s okay,“ Mr. Kelly said.

Ok or not, my cheeks flushed with heat as I made my way out of the classroom, into the hallway, and down to the bathroom, horribly embarrassed that the teacher knew just what was in that little brown bag of mine.

MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2015 Bye-bye periods! It was a not-so-fun 40 years, but I’m glad to be done with you… Woohoo! Unless another one sneaks up on me, it looks like this could very well be it. I sure hope so, but it’s only been two months.

Your average American is overweight, yet so many people still pick on those who are heavy. You hear about gays all the time these days, yet there is still so much hatred for them. I don't get this world at times. I really don't.

Desktop Nexus Wallpaper is down. They’ve been having problems for a few days now. I still can’t decide whether or not to have old journals visible on Blogger, and whether or not they should be in monthly formats or daily formats if I do. It would be kind of fun having a different theme each month… beaches, dogs, mountains, cats, waterfalls, horses… but I haven’t made up my mind yet.

Anyway, I did 10 minutes of cardio by walking and running outdoors and then I did 10 more minutes of strength training indoors. 20 minutes is enough for somebody who’s not going to lose weight.

I had a dream that I awoke one night and headed to Tom’s bedroom. Only his bedroom was at the other end of the house and not right next to mine. I stepped through the open door where he was lying awake in bed. He spread his arms invitingly and said, “Come on.” I went to lie down next to him even though I was suddenly aware of the fact that I had a ski vest on.

In another dream, I went crying to Tom about how I reached for the phone to call my parents and then I remembered that they were dead.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2015 Got the silhouette sticker of the gymnast I plan to put in the bathroom after it’s painted (she’s huge) and did 98% of the laundry room paint touch-ups. Had I been just a few inches taller I wouldn’t have needed Tom to hit the areas close to the ceiling.

Some other day we’ll touch up the yellow in the kitchen, and whiteout the trim in the hallway and second bedroom where there are dabs of both pink and lavender.

giggles Nobody would guess this house was in a retirement community.

I’m a little pissed that the blue stopped working on the tape light. Well, we still have white, yellow, orange, red and pink. No green or purple either.

Kind of surprised I haven’t heard from Andy since I’ve been up. I saw he was on Facebook for quite a while, then nothing. I assume he fell asleep around his usual time, but am a bit surprised he didn’t check in first. That’s ok, though. Things come up. People get tired. I’ll hear from him tomorrow.

Had a fleeting thought that he might’ve found something offensive in January’s journal entries in which he asked me to email him, but if that’s the case, that’s his problem. Can’t deny that a part of me wishes he would start some drama with me I certainly don’t need, thus giving me a reason to drop him since he can be more of a pain in the ass at times than fun with his stupidity, immaturity and memory issues. I mean, I don’t deny he’s got memory problems. Three decades of weed will do that to you.

I also wonder if his Facebook obsession is preventing him from canning. It’s like all he wants to do all day is post pics in his groups for gay guys to ooh, ah and “like.”

Obviously, he shouldn’t be out there canning when it’s below freezing, but he was going out there last year in temps down in the teens. He says he only makes 10k a year cleaning, yet he can more than double his income by canning. So then how can he afford to take so many months off? I know he’s got a savings built up, but that much?

Later…

Well, Andy wasn’t offended but he sure is starting to offend me with his selfishness, complaints and lack of appreciation after all the hard work I put into his emails.

Andy really makes it very hard to be friends with him at times. It is just so frustrating having half the things I say go down a fucking garbage disposal because of his memory issues. And I’m still not 100% convinced it is all memory issues because he has been known to actually get off on annoying and frustrating people in the past.

We just recently agreed that I’d send him an entire month of journal entries in a single email in which I would divide dates with pictures for him. I specifically asked him how many entries he wanted per email and he said a month. I asked him if he was SURE he meant a whole month and he said yes.

So he finally finishes up last year's entries and I send him January. Sure enough, and just as I feared he would, he tells me he's not thrilled to get a whole month in one email. I really wish some people would be more appreciative of all I do for them and that they would thank me instead of complaining! Now I do aim to please - don’t get me wrong - but when people go back and forth on shit we recently agreed on; that’s where it gets frustrating. Being friends with him just isn’t easy at times… his selfishness, his lack of compassion in some cases, his immaturity, memory and stupidity issues that damn near borders on senility.

At the same time, I don't want to dump the guy. I just wish I were psychic enough to know if this truly is all due to something being wrong with his brain and not him deliberately trying to piss me off. It would still be frustrating even if none of it was his fault, but if I knew he was playing with me, then yeah, I’d probably walk because who wants friends like that?

He told me he was out all night with his family yet clearly I could see him on Facebook all night. When you look in the chat bar it will tell you whether or not the person is on a mobile device. Well, it said “web" which I would think means he was on his desktop at home. It could’ve come up with that if he had taken his Kindle to David’s and accessed Facebook from there, but I don’t know for sure. It definitely makes me wonder. He was on Facebook all night long is all I am sure of. I just hope he hasn’t been lying to me and deliberately mindfucking me.

I sent him February and March with one entry per email as his latest request goes, but that’s it, I told him. Once he gets to April he has to go to the blog itself. I just don’t understand why he’s been so afraid to do that. I think part of it is just his laziness and selfishness, but I also think he’s afraid of being tracked. No matter how many times I try to tell him that my-diary is tracker-free and devoid of “blinding” colors, it’s like he doesn’t get it. It’s like I’m explaining some big complicated math formula to him instead of something so simple.

Later…

As I just got done telling Tammy in a message, my toe is still healing and now I have a pulled hamstring muscle after touching up the painting in the laundry room. Climbing up and down the stepstool, reaching behind the washer and dryer in a funny position, and sitting Indian style for a long time painting under the built-in desk uses muscles I don't usually use. This will make four days of not working out which I'm not too happy about. I will have to get back to it tomorrow.

Pretty sure I am having perimenopause. No hot flashes yet sometimes I do feel warm and I constantly feel like I have PMS and like I'm about to get my period any second. I just looked up the symptoms and this is normal and can last for four years. I could scream at the thought of PMSing for four years straight but I am excited about the periods stopping. I still think I will have more periods before they stop for good. Damn, though. God really does favor man.

I am trying to decide what I want to do with Blogger. Some idiots think old stuff is present even though it is backdated, and there doesn't seem to be much interest in old stuff anyway like there probably will be 100 years or so from now. I have three choices. I can just stick to the current year, I can post a whole month in one entry, or I can break it up so that each day is in a single entry as it is on LiveJournal. Not sure what I want to do yet.

Later…

I finished watching all 15 seasons of The Forensic Files on Amazon Prime, so now I am watching The New Detectives.

The first episode deals with finding the remains of casualties of war soldiers. I think it’s rather sad that so many young women and men chose this life of violence and senseless fighting, many of whom were fresh out of high school. It just seems utterly ridiculous and totally pointless the way they were going to combat to do nothing but kill and kill some more. I can see if somebody goes to attack your country or your territory and you are simply fighting back, just as you would if somebody were to try to invade your home.

But many of these so-called wars seemed to be just for the thrill of fighting. Fighting over land that no one had yet to inhabit seems totally asinine when anyone could have lived there. I mean I’m sure there was plenty of room for both sides to occupy most areas. The world is a pretty big place and there were a lot fewer people taking up space a hundred years ago.

It’s sad that these “war heroes” felt they had to kill, thus killing themselves as well. They could have been anything. Anything. They had their whole lives ahead of them and they could have done so many things in life other than being trigger-happy savage beasts.

On a less gruesome and destructive note, I had a dream that I was lying on my stomach on a lounge chair by a pool. I looked up and saw my old (sexy) doctor sitting nearby. I wondered if she would recognize me and say anything, and what I would say to her in return if she did.

Then I felt myself burning and got up to take a dip in the pool. On the way to it, two double beds suddenly appeared before me. I hopped up on one bed, jumped across to the other, and plopped down on my ass before springing off the bed and stepping into the pool. I then turned to face the doctor. She smiled at me seductively.

Andy said he was at David’s last night and he did go on Facebook from his Kindle. Good, because if he had denied being on Facebook while he was supposedly not home I would have happily called him out as a liar.

What’s not good is that he says he is so tired of David’s warped personality that he wonders if he needs some time off from him. He said he is not in a good way emotionally right now and that he can relate to how I once questioned whether or not I should cut ties with family as I have in the past. Well, if you feel the need to spend your time on Facebook while you’re visiting friends or family, then you’re obviously not having a good time.

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2015 If I don't get a period by the 6th, this will be the longest I have gone (two months) without one since they guinea-pigged me with various psych meds in my late teens causing my period to stop for three years.

I started treating the superficial nail fungus I have in a few of my toenails, except for the toe they just removed the ingrown nail from. It just looks like clear nail polish that you brush on. Got to do it twice a day and hope for an improvement in four weeks.

Getting a little nervous as my blood work approaches. I have made sure to get foods low in cholesterol this week leading up to it. Hopefully, the thyroid medication has brought my cholesterol numbers down so they will not want me back on statins.

Got a quick message from my sister. She’s not liking the allergy shots and the effect they have on her, but she sounds a lot better.

Got my third figurine from the Forever in Blue Jeans collection. They are cheap but very cute and durable. Right now I’m “turking” some decorative face plates for plugs and light switches. That means I use my survey money on MT to pay for them.

So far for my FBJ collection, I have a father swinging his son, a daughter hugging her mother, and an expectant mother with a toddler.

I also got a small black silhouette sticker of a gymnast on a balance beam and stuck it on the cabinet door of my desk. It looks nice there.

The last thing we got was a motion sensor plug so that the rainbow tape lights light up whenever we walked down our long hallway. It’s almost hypnotizing sitting there watching the colors slowly cycle through, one morphing into another.

In last night’s dreams, I was looking for a new therapist, though I don’t know why I wouldn’t just go to my old one if I ever felt I needed therapy again.

I watched these strange machines wrap fabric containing prints of the American flag around these large baskets. I thought they were incredibly dull-looking.

Then I was visiting some woman in her apartment who had another female friend visiting as well. The woman had 4 young children but none of them were home at the time. One of them, her son Cody, she said she had with a guy she was fearful of. She was afraid that he was going to come to the apartment.

“But what’s there to be afraid of?” I asked, not about to be afraid of some guy I never even met. ”There’s one of him and three of us.”

I saw what was the scariest Forensic Files episode last night, and this one had nothing to do with murder like their other episodes. Some people started off by saying that they suddenly experienced irregular heart rhythms, racing hearts, booming hearts and diarrhea. I thought to myself, boy that sounds familiar. Then they went on to describe other symptoms… jittery, anxiety, weight loss, loss of appetite, and I thought, wow, that really sounds familiar.

To back up a bit… there was a section of the Midwest that was once known as the Goiter Belt. There was little iodine in the soil and because of that and other things people often developed enlarged thyroids. That was when the Mayo brothers opened a clinic to remove people’s enlarged thyroids. Eventually, diets improved and the thyroid problems went away.

I’m not sure when it was, but not too long ago a bunch of people in the Midwest came down with these horrifying symptoms. Nobody could figure it out. One guy was told he might have cancer, and another woman was told she was having a nervous breakdown. Some doctor gave her a mood elevator and the next thing she knows her heartbeat is doing 160.

Blood tests showed that these people’s thyroid hormone levels were 8 to 10 times higher than normal. None of these people had enlarged thyroids, though, and everybody was stumped as to why these people would suddenly have all these symptoms. Then one day a huge family got together for a meal and every single one of them but a little boy got sick with the same symptoms. The little boy was the only one in the family that didn’t eat meat. Realizing that the whole family couldn’t possibly be having a nervous breakdown all at once, they began to suspect the meat and inspected it to find bits and pieces of the cow’s thyroid mixed into it. They gave some of the meat to some rats, then they gave other rats different meat from a different area. Sure enough, the rats given the meat the family and others consumed came down with the same symptoms. But the meat that the rats ate was raw, and the people had eaten cooked meat, of course. So they cooked the meat and served 4 young and possibly crazy doctors a burger. They too, experienced the same thing.

It turns out that when Synthroid hit the scene they stopped removing the cows’ thyroids and simply left them in the gutted meat. The FDA then made it mandatory that the thyroids be removed. Over 100 people were affected but everybody recovered and there were no fatalities.

My heart truly went out to these people, knowing that I was probably one of the very few people watching this particular episode who knew firsthand what it was like and what they were feeling. The shitty coincidence of the timing is what made me think I accidentally overdosed (as opposed to being prescribed a dose that was too high for me). The very same day I wondered if I accidentally took an extra pill was when my problems started. Although I suspected the medication from the start, even I was a bit confused at first because of the way one tends to think that as soon as they stop a medication that’s causing a problem, the problems will stop too, when it actually can take months to recover. I suffered both physically and emotionally for four months. It was the most terrifying experience; even the weight loss part because nobody should lose weight that fast. Having the runs sucked, but the worst part was definitely the booming heart and the anxiety.

Although I have worked through the trauma of those days, the memories are stuck with me forever. Those scary moments actually made the prospect of facing homelessness not as scary. I guess it’s different when the trauma is internal versus external, not that I would ever again want to be raked over the financial coals like we were a few years ago.

As well as things are going now, I miss the days twenty-five years or so ago when death and dying weren’t a concern for me as it is now that I’m older. Oh, I had my share of problems back then, mind you, but I didn’t worry about dying so much. Perhaps that’s because I had yet to actually live.

Memories flash through my mind in a blur… me suddenly running to the phone as my heart starts booming… my fingers shakily trying to dial the paramedics… me scrambling on shaky legs to at least get the door open, not knowing what was going on or if I would live or die.

Relief flooding through me as the paramedics show up… confusion also rushing through me as I am hooked to a cardiogram… questions being fired at me, an otherwise healthy runner who does dozens of push-ups, ab crunches, doesn’t smoke or have a serious weight problem.

So now I not only know what happened to me last year, but what happened to me has a name… thyrotoxicosis.

Going to grab something to eat now, but I don’t know what. I only know I’ve had enough potatoes. You never know if there’s such a thing as potatotoxicosis!

THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2015 Why would any gay person want to turn to religion? Not trying to pass judgment or anything like that, but actually trying to understand. I honestly don’t get why they would want to turn to something that condemns and bashes the hell out of them. I can sort of see maybe turning to God Himself if you believe in that, but turning to religion? Religion is the reason there are so many gay haters out there in the first place (along with tons of other problems in the world). So why I would want to turn to something that promotes hate and discrimination against my kind would be beyond me.

Even turning to a God that could allow for such abuse for so long is kind of over my head, but the religious thing is WAY over my head with the way it’s so structured and hateful. You’re going to tell me in one breath that this invisible God loves everybody, and then tell me in the next that He considers my kind evil, unnatural, and worthy of hate and discrimination? No thanks! But that isn’t the only reason I’m not into religion. Yes, I’m basically unsure of or against most of what it teaches, but for the most part, I’m just plain uninterested. It’s kind of like with dancing… I don’t mind watching other people do it, but that doesn’t mean I feel the need to go out and join a dance club. I can observe, form opinions and harbor beliefs independently without actually embracing something as a whole.

I personally feel that God is probably just a fantasy as is the tooth fairy to a child, and that the Bible is merely the opinion of those who wrote it, and that religion is little more than an organized hate group. I also understand that different people have different reasons for their individual beliefs, and that’s okay, too. I’m not for changing people’s belief system so much as I am for changing the way people can use their beliefs against others as they can in Indiana as well as many other places.

Tom wants to get me a gift for putting up with all the overtime he’s worked. LOL, that man loves to spoil me. I’ve already got enough goodies on the way. Another figurine from the FBJ collection, and a couple of decorative wall stickers. We also grabbed the rats some bedding and a motion sensor plug for the rainbow tape light strip. The idea is to put that in the hallway and have that be our nightlight, instead of a traditional night light you plug in that’s always on.

The overtime has helped pay for the home improvements and some of our debt, but he has decided that he’s going to cut back on the OT in a couple of months or so because while the money is great, it’s not really necessary to be working this much OT. We’re more than comfortable without it, and one has to have a life every now and then. I think that’s why neither of us would ever want to be doctors. Sure, they make a ton of money, but what kind of a life do they have to go with it since they work such strict and long hours? Even my dentist works 10 to 12 hours, 5 days a week. Money is great, but it certainly isn’t everything.

I had a dream that Goldie and Al were alive and I was staying with them. I woke up one morning to find Goldie eating breakfast and Al sitting in another room. Rubbing my lower back I said, “Amazingly, I slept well.”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 The Jes pest is going to get a little April Fools in the mail tomorrow (today). I wanted to give it time before I sent the peace of mind I have wanted to share with him for over half a decade in regards to the way his lazy ass refused to take responsibility for his own mutts. This way he is less likely to still have either of our numbers.

I didn’t bother to keep physical evidence off the letter, but I wrote it in a very non-threatening and type of way that not even the most corrupt and eager-to-violate speech rights pigs would even stand a chance of getting me arrested, let alone convicted. Furthermore, I highly doubt Jesse would contact the police in the first place. I figured the Phoenix freeloaders might, but they’re not Jesse. Jesse may be selfish, but he never struck me as the vindictive type. Lastly, he’s as white as I am so he can’t play the race card.

My only concern was him calling Tom’s cell. I kept the joke from Tom because I didn’t want him to get carried away on the paranoia train. My cell number is the one on the rental application, but Tom’s is the last one Jesse called. Hopefully, he’s not the type to save things like that. Even if he was, my guess is that if he even has the patience to read the letter, he wouldn’t bother to make a fuss over it, let alone call anyone. He would tell Maryann about it, but I think and hope that’s as far as it will go.

Later…

I wish I had something exciting to say, but I don’t. Life is running smoothly with a few minor annoyances along the way. My toe still hurts at times and I’m back to sleeping shitty where I wake up a lot. Sometimes it takes me several minutes to fall back asleep.

I’m not liking this cool spell we’re having because while it may be easier for sleeping, working out, and saving money on our electric bill, I hate how chilly it is really late at night.

Tom doesn’t know yet what’s going on at work, but hopefully, he will find out soon and hopefully, the dream I had is a good sign, too.

[casspurrjoybell-22]

The Art of Sin - Chapter 11 - Part 2

•Noir Laurent (Dark Elf & Sun Elf)

*Warning Adult Content*

'I didn't really know why I was doing this.'

It was childish of me.

Everyone would realize just how emotionally incompetent I am, understanding exactly how helpless, how unworthy I am of their affection, I am.

I'm undeserving of being in their very presence.

It was just a matter of time before they realized it.

I want to prolong it.

It physically hurt me to imagine them regretting bringing me here, wishing that I would go away.

I clutched at my chest, curling inward as I stifled my cries.

In the back of my mind, I knew that I was over thinking things, there was no way they would cast me aside but I kept analyzing my life, getting dumped with person after person, always an outsider looking in.

I was damaged, oh so damaged.

The others didn't deserve my baggage.

Maybe it would be better if I did just disappear.

A commotion stopped my thoughts.

I peered down, making sure not to cross the barrier.

Below, I saw Bain talking to Tate and Keon.

"What do you mean Winter is missing?"

"I mean just that. We can't find him."

"And why is that?" Keon crossed his arms, giving Bain a stern look.

"What happened?"

Bain shuffled from foot to foot, looking guilty.

"Noir was upset and well, Winter tried to calm him down with a little magic but it kinda backfired. Noir blew up and started screaming at him and Winter started to cry. I-I should have stepped in. Then he just disappeared."

Tate was listening acutely, nodding once before speaking.

"He most likely cast an invisibility glamour. You probably walked right past him."

They stood there in silence until it was broken by the small, hoarse voice of Noir.

"Do you think he'll come back?"

A few tears leaked down his cheeks.

"It's all my fault."

"Shh, it's okay Noir. Don't cry."

"He hasn't left."

Everyone turned to Tate, including myself.

He shifted a bit before speaking.

"Er, well, he's still on the property. I can't tell exactly where. I think he's cloaking himself but I can tell he hasn't left."

I sat down, surprised.

Only a high-level creature, full of magic, could get even that.

No one in this manor ceased to surprise me.

Noir smiled, for the first time in days, he actually smiled.

His cheeks were still wet and his eyes puffy but it didn't take away the joy and relief shining through.

"Thank the Goddess. I don't know what I would've done if," his expression darkened suddenly.

"I wish Nikoli was here. He's good at handling everyone."

Bain laughed.

"Yeah, he's pretty much the only one. I don't even know how he puts up with us."

And just like that the mood lifted.

Jokes we told and boys were teased.

Even with the good feelings, I was still afraid.

How easily people's moods shifted.

How long will it take for their opinions of me to turn dark?

It was always there, the constant pestering of my deepest, darkest fears.

The fear of, after settling down, having to be forced to rip myself out of their lives and move onto the next experience hell has to offer, for that was where I must be.

What God or Goddess, if there is one or many, would make life so painful?

I watched as they left the room, smiles on their face.

My fears were still there but I couldn't help but feel happy.

I knew that, even if I would pay a hefty price, I would still wish for their happiness.

I knew little of what they went through but it was enough to know that they were similar to me.

They deserved to have days full of joy and laughter and I wanted to be part of giving them it.

I suddenly regretted my actions, ashamed at letting my emotions take hold of me.

I had caused pain to them.

'Unintentional, yes but pain nonetheless,' I thought, nodding and hunkering down until I was in a somewhat comfortable position on my perch.

When Lord Nikoli returns I would step forth and come clean.

Whatever punishment he would give me for the trouble I've caused will be accepted.

Until then, I would keep to myself and try not to make the situation worse.

They were finally happy or as happy as they could be.

There was no need to let my presence ruin things.

[aleoxs2007]

i thought i’d give a little life update on my blog no one follows or cares about.

it’s been almost a year since my ex and i broke up.

i tried dating a few months after, but i just wasn’t clicking with anyone i was going out with. however, i was friends with a boy named max. max and i had been friends since the beginning of first semester, long before my ex and i broke up, and i had been acquainted with him since the year before. max and i were just friends, at least until roughly a month after the break up. max and i were still just friends, but god i wanted him to look at me as more than that.

i saw the way his eyes lit up talking about his interests. his laugh was intoxicating. he was funny. he was cute. i knew he was strong from wrestling. he was so sweet. the biggest problem was that, while i had no shortage of male attention, and i won’t lie, i was kind of a dick to guys that liked me because i found it annoying—i had a tendency to block guys that wouldn’t leave me be, and rejecting guys i had gone out with once or twice in blind and downright rude ways—he had no shortage of girls either, but actually got with all of them. i was pretty much the only girl he wasn’t trying to get with, and—oddly enough—as a result, we had deeper conversations and i felt like we knew each other a lot better.

he would rant about his friends, and his girlfriends, how scared he was to meet their dad, ask me for advice on what to do, and just talk about general life stuff. i would talk about how annoying guys were and how much i was dreading starting university next fall. and he added me on snap to tell me all the stupid stuff he was doing and send me pictures of broken bikes and road rash…

second semester the teacher moved us because we talked too much. she put us with people she thought we’d be quieter with, which backfired horribly by the way, as he’s an extrovert that can talk to anybody, and i am an introvert but was adopted by the extroverts at my table. as a result though, me and max talked less and just squeezed in quick conversations before and after class when we could, the occasional text on snap, but we grew farther apart as the semester went on.

i don’t think we even talked the last day of school outside of a quick bye after our last class we had together dismissed.

over the summer, we barely talked in june and the beginning of july. towards the end of july and very beginning of august, we talked a little bit, but not a lot.

then he had a surgery and started texting me high out of his mind when he got home. i had just gotten out of a weird situationship thing with a guy at my university who was just weird, and max was being EXTREMELY flirty. every time i told him to go to bed, because it was late and i had classes at 7:30 in the morning, his answer was somewhere along the lines of “nooo but i like talking to youuu dont leavee.”

we kept talking over the next couple of days and i went to his house to help him after the surgery. we got very close very fast and started going out, while i told myself to be careful because he had a reputation for being a player.

fast forward a couple weeks, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and i gladly accepted.

i have not let a man as much as hug me in the past year since i left my abusive ex, as my friends informed what my ex did was a form of abuse. i still had intimacy issues and fear of touch. i comfortably fell asleep in max’s arms just 3 weeks in.

i love this man. i know i do.

thank you god for bringing him to me <3