#once again. nobody start shit on this post. i am Tired and i will not tolerate it

[mars-ipan]

hey trans folks i wanna say i love you. trans women and transfems especially i wanna say i love you. the shit this community goes through is so fucking unfair and we have every right to be hurt and angry and tired. no matter what i love you now always and forever. may our love for each other carry and protect us through all the bullshit <3

[woodchoc-magnum]

idk. i'm annoyed.

i realise i am a fandom old at this point

and i have seen some shit in this fandom; witnessed the discourse.

and i don't post meta or spec or much of that stuff; i usually put all my ideas into fics.

but guys seriously. seriously.

eddie's current arc is not about buck.

buck and eddie are not currently dating.

buck is eddie's best friend and vice versa.

eddie is not cheating on buck.

eddie is lying to buck by omission, yes, but that is not a friendship ending offence.

eddie is on the very cusp of cheating right now. he went on a date with another woman, yes. he has not kissed her or slept with her. we are at a tipping point. we do not know what is going to happen next.

he only went on a date with another woman because she reminded him of shannon, who he is not over, who he has spent seasons trying to replace.

the point of this show is that none of the characters are perfect - and especially not buck and eddie. they all make mistakes. they have all made mistakes and will continue to do so because in real life, people don't always make the right decisions 100% of the time.

this black-and-white, morally righteous way of thinking, like eddie is suddenly evil now because he's on the cusp of cheating; that it's going to end his friendship, that buck is going to be angry at him for lying - do you have friends in real life? like, i am genuinely asking.

because if my best friend suddenly started cheating on her husband, i wouldn't be mad at her - i would be worried. am i alone in this? like i would be genuinely concerned and trying to help figure out what's going on.

all the shit i'm seeing in the fandom today, all of the spec posts and commentary about the episode and what might potentially happen, just feels like, once again, an attempt to paint eddie as the villain in the story to prop up buck. let's make eddie so terrible that buck has to have custody of christopher, right?

clearly none of you understand how a will works. it's for after you're dead. not for when you're alive.

but the main issue is this - now that buck has tommy, the people who tolerated eddie can stop pretending to like him. there's another option for buck now, so you guys don't need eddie anymore. right? am i fucking right??

i love drama as much as the next person, but in what world would buck turn on eddie because of this? in what world would the 118 shun him? he is their friend! they love him! they care about him! they are a family!

my god, nobody shunned hen when she cheated on karen. nobody shuns bobby and he indirectly killed 140 people!

eddie is a good person who makes mistakes, just like every single other character on the show.

that is the fucking point.

and the way ryan was talking in the interviews - isolation could mean any number of things. we know eddie has a tendency to isolate himself when he's feeling stressed out - does anyone remember season 3? season 5? buck literally broke down his door!

i'm just fucking tired of this bullshit.

eddie's not a bad guy because of this. he has done shitty things, yes. they all have. that's the fucking point of the show, and if you can't understand that or appreciate adult story-telling, then fuck off and watch riverdale.

[cxhleel108]

S7 Thots for this week: Why is everyone here actually delusional asf???

(Apologies for posting this late guys I was very tired when I started writing this…I was also high asf so be mindful of that while you read lol.)

• Oh great now #Raphne is going through shit and everyone’s gonna have to dedicate their whole life to fixing it!

• Bryson laying it on THICC this morning I know dats rightttt😛😛😛

• No seriously why ze fook are we helping them with their issues? I need these people to go back to university or wherever and take a communication course cuz y’all are clearly lacking.

• Tanya so messy for asking that. Girl you know exactly who tf it is why you lowkey telling on yourself like that?😭😭😭

• #Raphne is 100% completely done y’all omg! (Bullshit)

• NO YOU WILL NOT!

• Willow is STILL talking as if anybody give af about what she got to say. Someone get this woman a hobby I’m begginggggg.

• I love having bathing suits worth mentioning now😍

• Ain’t no way they tryna force a argument between me and my partner over this Raf and Daphne mess…bitch.

• WE DONT HAVE TO AGREE ON EVERY SINGLE THING TO BE IN SYNC THATS NOT HOW COUPLES OR HUMANS WORK!

• Talk less sir.

• Why is there always some of the girls trading jealous looks when it comes to this challenge. The point is to literally kiss everyone and y’all still be getting salty, get over it??? Maybe I’m just crazy but I would literally not care.

• Once again Willow is putting on a show for her imaginary friends and nobody in the real world is gagging.

• Wow, now all of a sudden we don’t know how to kiss each other properly because we couldn’t help another couple stop arguing over fucking sheets😕

• How am I having more chemistry with Raf than my own man? God help us.

• Omg Evan came back for me y'all😍😍😍😍😍

• Paying gems magically brings back chemistry to our couple I guess.

• Girl you deserve a 10 backwards.

• That joke bullshit…BOO! CORNY! LAME! 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅

• Bryson real lucky he’s cute or I wouldn’t allow him to be acting like a 12 year old about his feelings.

• #Raphne is back together woohoo! (They’re literally gonna break it off again as soon as Daphne founds out bout Raf’s crush)

• Don't force me to have a moment with her ew! That ho is NOT my friend.

• There’s quite literally no reason to speak to everyone about the recoupling. NO REASON!

• Outfit time!🤩

• Eat! Eat! Eat!

• Thought Bryson was finna ask us to be his girlfriend right then and there ugh I need him to hurry up.

• CAN YOU ALL LEAVE US THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ALONE LIKE GODDAMN????

• Vicky if you can see how close me and Bryson are then why would you…never mind why even ask at this point.

• Bonnie has been trying to get with Tanya since the beginning of time. Girl just give up PLEASE.

• Girl who tf is you-

• Why did we get dressed up just to go speak to 3 people???????????? Chile anyways it’s outfit time AGAIN✨

• EAT! EAT! EAT!

• LMAOOOO she's such a loser I almost feel bad...almost.

• Uma you know good and well you meant to record them boys fighting. Fuck outta here with that excuse💀

• Y'all will not let Jake REST oh my goodness.

• Oooo y’all the way Bryson is fighting for us…kinda feeling butterflies in my stomach and elsewhere🤭🤭🤭

• Everyone here is so delusional when it comes to Tanya holy fuck. Actually no, this happens every season. Why do some of these people think that just because THEY feel a good connection with MC that automatically means she wants them? Like baby that’s not how this works…

• Oh Bryson don't end half of the villa like that-

• Daphne don’t ask me if I think you and yo man gon make it niece you don’t want my answer to that lmao.

• 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂

• Why y’all ain’t make us do a surprise dumping so we could get Willow out? WHY IS SHE STILL HERE SHE LITERALLY HAS NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE NOW????

• Oh I can tell you how! First, we're gonna walk in there and start marveling at every single thing in the room, specifically the bed, even though we've already been in there. Then, bet y'all won't see this coming, we're gonna find a box filled with naughty things😱😱😱 After that, we get to work and all that can be registered is the feeling of our partner's soft lips and how their hands caress our body in every place possible and then after a while we both reach our climax at the same time. Then our partner says they love us blah blah blah, we get some text about what's happening tomorrow and it's prolly the baby challenge or something equally stupid and ridiculous, and then we cuddle up and go to bed.

• If everything I just said is in next week's hideaway scene, everyone who likes this post owes me $10. I'm just playing, we all know everything I said is definitely happening. Keep your money💖

[rykno-j]

Overheating (1/?) (H/azbin H/otel)

never thought i'd actually write a sickfic for a tv man but here i am i guess.

"(1/?)" is there because i might make a continuation

characters present: v/al, v/ox, v/evlette (mentioned)

small disclaimer: if i wrote v/al in a way that made him soft/likeable just know im not excusing any of his actions okay? okay.

also, theres H/azbin-H/otel-Universe level of cussing in here, just as a warning.

word count: 1k

-----------------------------------

"I can't FUCKING post anything with this shitty signal, so you're going to go down there and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

"Woah, woah Velvette, since when was babysitting added on my list?"

"He deals with your shit all the time, so just grow a pair and return the favour."

"Alright, alright, but you owe me one."

-

-

-

"Vox, is everything-" Valentino stepped into the control room, narrowly avoiding a spark that flew through one of the wires as the lights flickered above.

"Bad time Val, I'm not in the mood for your shit right now." A tired voice came from the center of all the buzzing screens.

"Well I hate to be the one who spoils all the fun dear, you know that." Valentino crosses the bridge to reach other platform. "But I really need you to stop fucking with all the lights in my studio, I'm only filming a sex-in-the-dark kink next week and now's a tad bit early."

"I don't c-care about your sex studio" Vox replied without turning around.

Valentino smirked when he heard the static in the other's voice. It was always entertaining to annoy vox whenever he was in this state. The reactions he got were simply.. electric.

"Soo, what are you working on this time?"

"Nobody's buying our fucking product, Val." Vox turns around, a hand propping his head up, looking clearly pissed off. "I don't know.. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

Valentino raises an eyebrow. It was rare to see Vox admit defeat such readily. "Want me to help?"

"Uh, fuck no? Did you really think I'd have forgotten the kind of stunt you pulled the last time I let you assist me? The moment that shit got aired it look less than a day for hospitals to be filled with sinners who got that remote stuck up their ass."

"Hmm, how was that my fault in particular?"

"You promoted it as a f-FUCKING dildo!" A spark flew from one of the wires tied to vox as his voice glitched out once again.

"But it did sell, didn't it?"

Vox groans, swiveling his chair back around to face the panel. "If there's nothing else, I have a meeting in five." He gets up, mutely pulling on his bowtie before turning around with a sigh. "Why are you here again?"

"You're upset about something," Valentino explains in a whiny tone. "It's fucking with everyone in the building and has apparently become my job to calm you down." While talking, he circles around Vox, putting a finger under his chin while his other hands wrap around his waist. "Want me to help.. ease the tension?"

While this normally would have worked, Valentino never expected Vox to push him away, a hand rubbing the smudges off his screen.

"Not today. I have an image to uphold. Go fuck with some of your whores or something."

Valentino frowns, but says nothing else.

"Now," Vox says, taking in a breath, "if you'll excuse me." He steps back with a mock half-bow, body turning into electricity as he zaps himself into the nearby circuit.

Valentino stares blankly at the buzzing televisions, sighing as he pulls out a cigarette. As he turns to light it, the wires in front of him flash and sizzle as a bright blue bolt of electricity strikes directly in front of him.

As the smoke clears, Valentino blinks at a very disorientated Vox who struggles to sit up from his position; face-flat against the floor.

"Are you-"

"What the fuck? That has never happened before."

"Clearly." Valentino rolls his eyes, but proceeds to offer his shoulder, which Vox unconsciously leans into. "A rat got to the wires?"

"No, I ran out of energ-" Vox started, then stopped. "I forgot one of my documents and had to come back."

Valentino watched, unamused as Vox nearly fell over if it wasn't for the table holding him up. He side-eyes the other, ears picking up the obvious sounds of Vox's internal fans overworking to keep his head at a normal temperature.

He places a hand on the back of his head, not missing the way Vox flinches. Despite himself, Valentino wanted to do something to help. But 'help' wasn't in his list of strong suits, so he figured he'd do it in a way that was.

"Voxxy~ want to have sex?"

A spark of electricity jumps from Vox's antenna to the other.

He took that as an unspoken yes. "Will you cancel the meeting for that?" Valentino wraps his lower arm around Vox. "I had to dismiss all my actors thanks to the power-outage you caused." He notices how Vox looks away at the mention of the power failure. "So take responsibility."

Vox slouches over. "I'm not-"

"Oh you don't have to do anything," Valentino reaches out to pinch Vox's cheek. "I'll top today. Or do you want to have control?"

"No, it's fine. I'll cancel my meeting." The relief in his voice was unintentionally obvious.

"Can you make it to the bedroom? Or do you want to rawdog it here?"

Vox grumbles, but makes no effort to push Valentino away when the moth opens one of wings to wrap around him.

They walk side by side, Valentino's wing tightening around Vox when they crossed the bridge together, preventing the possibility of his legs going numb and falling into the void.

It was admittedly nice whenever Valentino would act like he genuinely cared. Vox was sure he did, despite how they seemed to be in more of a duo-benefiting sexual relationship most of the time.

On his part, Vox tells himself, he too was taking advantage of Val's offer for sex to skip his meeting.

..That was all there was to it.

-end-

---------------------

i might make a part 2 where i struggle through the process of making vox snz despite his lack of nose.

but besides that, tysm for reading!

Part 1.5 ->

[rooklinensinker]

THIS IS BY NO MEANS GOOD

I'm just one of those people that...

*cringe*

write songs to vent about things. I usually forget about them which is kinda sad honestly. But looking at them piled up, I realised "oh damn i have a tumblr and nobody cares if you're cringe on tumblr!" so i decided to post them here if not just to keep them safe somewhere.

Like it or not, I'm kinda proud that I made something.

Sometimes that itself is enough to make me feel better about things.

I've always had trouble with either executive dysfunction or just not being able to balance time. But because work is a duty I couldn't just take my mind off it, even when I did nothing for days on end. I wouldn't do basic chores because I needed to do this first. But I never moved. And then the deadlines would come and I'd panic and break down again. And then I'd work all at once, not eating nor resting until I could finally catch up. I never did. Even when my work was finished it never felt like the race truly was. Even now, years later, I feel the same. It's maddening like you're not truly growing up, if such a thing is even real. Because you keep having the same problems over and over.

Anyways, here's a song about working.

Lyrics:

I hunger no longer cuz the longer I hunger

The more I forget I exist

Something always feels so amiss

Let's not think about this, there's no time

The longer I try to focus, the more my brain just tries to escape

Why am I stuck in this place?

Wish I could send myself into space.

Building my castle of trash with the moths as my witness

Can't think of future or past

Cuz that shit's too serious

I do not know the time or date but I know my deadline's soon

I cannot afford to eat

till I finish this one bit

I may stay awake till I hallucinate

But isn't this just the creative process?

All my friends can do it so I guess

that makes me just that ✨useless✨

I may faint and dissociate

But at least I gotta stay awake

I am working right now

I am working somehow

And it's working working working

Next morning I wake up and it leaves me stunned

My work looks like shit and needs to be redone

That was not in the plan. Fuck!

"What do I care? Let me just sleep!"

...

Sleeping feels so tiring

So is being alive, weeping in the shower

I promised this would be the last time

but I can never keep it.

My nose bleeds and head aches.

I'm aware of all my mistakes.

Procrastination raised the stakes

which is why I keep working working working

I may complain

"Hustle the pain away"

"There's bigger fish in the sea"

That's what I aim to be

But I'm drowning drowning drowning

--------space for a lil mental breakdown------------

Why feed a machine that doesn't work?

So I work to eat, but I can't think anymore

I work till my eyes give up seeing

I work so I forget my own being

Everybody seems like a fucking prodigy

while I'm wasting my time being good ol' mediocre me

If I can't keep up, I'll be left in their dust

----- more mentally ill activity---------

Work is done...

Yay! 🎉

I can take the day off today. ☺️

✨And proceed to do nothing for the next 5 months!👀✨

...

I can't do anything but think I should be working.

"Why have fun, when I should be working?"

"You're gonna die so don't ask why and start working!"

Leave my mark in the market of labour

My only worth is the work you savour

I hope it's worth it so I better get working.

....

Why ain't I working? working working

I have to keep working working working

I can't move but I need to keep working working working

I'll die if I'm not working working working

paralysed from my work, but I need to get working

I'm too tired to work yet I can't forget

that I should be working.

Guess what I should be doing right now 😃✨

[jjtheresidentbaby]

How do you think the caregivers of SWAT would approach bedtime routines with their littles?

Bedtime Swat Caregiver headcanons

Ooo I love this so much 🫶🫶

(This is in no certain order) (I couldn’t fit Cortez in sry)

Hondo-

Definitely have a set bedtime routine but if he actually follows it depends on the day

It’d probably consist of the normal, bath, pajamas, teeth, hair, story and lights out

However it can get chaotic on what pajamas and how many story’s and maybe doing his littles hair is a bit of a struggle

He’d be the type to check for monsters in the closet and under the bed (also checking window locks for his own peace of mind)

Would be strict about not having sugar too close to bedtime

If he gets home late from shift and his littles already in bed there’s a good chance he’ll end up passed out in their bed when he went to just kiss their forehead

Forehead kisses are nightly no matter what

Him and Nichelle definitely share bedtime routine responsibilities when they start to live together

He’s not a night person so once his littles down he’ll clean up a bit then head off to bed himself

Deacon-

I’ve covered him in other posts but I’m happy to say it again

Reading story’s and cuddles

That’s all he needs for a bedtime routine

Yeah he makes sure his little has done all the essentials before bed but if they insist on skipping their hair to cuddle up with a book who’s Deac to say no

He doesn’t stay up particularly late, maybe 9 or 10

Honestly the only thing that could be considered a routine is how he cleans the kitchen before settling to start to get ready with bed

He likes mornings to run smoothly so keeping things clean at night is ideal

Street-

He’s such an insomniac that bedtime routines mean nothing to him

“Oh you’re tired? Shit yeah it’s already two am, let’s go to bed”

Is adamant about teeth brushing and hair brushing though

A god at shushing nightmares away, better than anyone else

Will cave as soon as his little asks to sleep in his bed

A mountain of stuffed animals is on streets bed at all times

Cuddling is a must

Giggling 12am snacks are always a favorite in the house

Street genuinely hates being away from his little at night

it stresses him out to not know he checked all the locks himself and made sure his little was comfortable

The only people he trusts to watch his little at night are Hondo, Nichelle, Alexis and Zoe.

Tan too but he’d rather not as tan gets the same anxiety street gets at night

There’s like thirty alarms set to wake him and his little up in the morning

But as soon as he’s up, he is up

6am runs with zero issues

He doesn’t get groggy so his little learns to also be a morning and night person

Alexis-

She tries to plan out everything she can and bedtime is no different

As soon as 7pm hits she’s turning the lights on dim and switching to a slower activity or show

Will only let her little stay up if they’re having a bad night, then it’s movies and popcorn

Tucks her little in very snug, making sure they can’t have “any monster get them”

If she’s not there for bedtime she leaves Tan, Zoe or Street in charge and nobody else

She’s super protective as is but nighttime really bring it out

If her little and her are out during night but she gets a bad feeling she’ll immediately take them home

She risks nothing when it comes to safety

If she does get a bad feeling and rushes home, she makes up for it with pillow forts and junk food

But makes sure her little brushes their teeth twice before bed

Zoe-

Very similar to Street in the sense of her insomnia being god awful

Does have more of a schedule than Street but if it’s not stuck to Zoe could care less

Nighttime is more so chaos than day

Dance party’s in the living room at 2am happen more times than you’d think

Also late night projects, “oh you suddenly want a snow cone? Get in the car we’re gonna go buy a whole snow cone machine”

She has little to no nighttime anxiety, she’s use to going on runs by herself at 4am or maybe being on the night shift for most of her jobs

Nighttime swimming is one of Zoe’s favorite things

Basically nighttime adventures are her thing

Tan-

He gets super bad night anxiety in general but especially with his little in his house so chances are there’s a strict routine

Making sure to get them in bed at a reasonable hour but also make the night enjoyable instead of how scary it can seem

Tea and bedtime story’s are a must

Cuddles also help calm Vic down

His hates leaving his little home at night when he’s on shift but there’s people he allows to watch them

Surprisingly Nichelle is one of his favorite people to have watch his little at night, then obviously zoe, street, and Alexis all take top spots as well

Checks the locks on all the windows and doors at least five times before bed

Tan naturally wakes up early but tries to be quiet so his little can sleep in

Breakfast in bed is one of his favorite ways to wake up his little

Chris-

There’s barely a routine as she’ll just pull her little onto her hip then walk them to the bed if she thinks they need it

She’s not a morning person at all, prefers the night so bed is never rushed towards

Can spend all night playing games with her little

Loves to play with her littles hair to get them to sleep

Long car drives if someone’s having a bad night is a must

Just seeing the city at night, windows down, low music playing, long talks, Chris adores it

She checks the locks of the car or house at least five times before settling into bed

even if her littles already sleep she’ll get up to triple check

Nichelle-

She’s basically the designated babysitter for littles when the teams on shift at night

It’s one of her favorite things

Loves to do her littles hair, helping them pick out pajamas, read new books to them

Her routine is pretty solid but it’s not set to a certain times frame

If her littles tired earlier than normal she’ll have no problem laying down with them

Same goes for if her littles still wide awake

She does try to get them to sleep by 10:30 the latest but sometimes that doesn’t work out which is okay

So So sweet if her little has any nightmares

Will make Angel milk or just warm milk in general

Luca-

He might say he’s a night owl but it’s a lie

Literally in bed before 10 every night

Doesn’t even bother trying to pretend like he wants his little to stay in their own bed, he’d much rather have a cuddle buddy all night

Doesn’t read story’s but will make one up off the top of his head

It can be a bit of a squeeze with Luca, his little and Duke the dog on the bed but non of you would ever change it

Dan Hondo Senior-

Chaos

Everything is chaos with him anyways but especially night

He’s ready to pass out at six pm but stays up with his little

Falling asleep on the couch is normal but then he’s jumping to get his little into pajamas and brush their teeth

Hondo has come home to his little and him sleeping peacefully on the couch at seven pm

Reads story’s but it ends with you both asleep

A morning person so his little becomes one

much to Hondos annoyance, he wants sleep but his fathers up cooking breakfast while telling an animated story to his little (hondo can never stay mad)

[kelpiemomma]

TLDR: I'm not going to be on Tumblr a lot anymore. To those interested in keeping in more frequent contact, my discord account is KelpieMomma#6353. Send me a dm with your discord name if you send a friend request so I don't assume it's spam.

So, I'm not sure how many people noticed but I've been off of tumblr for a bit. The last couple weeks I've been browsing I've only felt worse and worse. It's not even posts about real life events that do it but, of all things, art. Not my friends art, which I'm always delighted to see and share, but the bigger, more popular artists. The ones who gets hundreds and thousands of notes on every piece they put up, whether it's a sketch or not. I've been feeling defeated. I'm not even stressed, I'm just tired and bitter. Tumblr has been my main website for many years, but between it and deviantart and the popularity contests on both of them...

Honestly I had a serious thought about simply not drawing anymore. Packing up my sketchbooks, selling off or giving away my colored pencils and paints. I know that art is for the creator but it's also incredibly lonely when you upload something to share and get... almost no response. Maybe I'm being selfish and greedy, and I'm not upset that my friends enjoy my work, but no matter how much I ever put up, no matter the effort I put in, I saw the same 3-5 people interacting and almost no one else. It's disheartening.

Lately I've been having feelings of being back in middle school. I had a friend back then, one I'm no longer friends with, who made art miserable. She wanted praise for her work while never doing the same for others. She would tell us about how she was getting commissions and how people wanted to interact with her art, regardless of how it made us feel. As long as she got attention she was fine. And while years have passed, and as an adult I can comprehend the trauma she was going through to make her like that, it still fucked me up and continues to do so. For me, Tumblr has become That Friend. It's become the one who wants praise for their work while ignoring others. It's become the friend who promotes the Best while those that aren't as skilled get left behind.

Once again, I'm inadequate. I'm not enough. It's a ridiculous feeling to have, I know, but I continue having it. What I put up gets interacted with by the same people consistently and nobody else. I am dragging the corpse of my ideas around, hoping that someone will show interest in helping me carry it.

So I'm kind of... done. With tumblr. With deviantart. With trying. I'm going to continue working on my fics, I'm going to keep sketching, but I'm going to be trying to give Tumblr space. I don't want to be in it constantly when it just makes me feel like shit. I might make a new account, start fresh, but I'm not sure yet.

I'm just too tired for this. I can't keep doing it. I'm not interesting enough, talented enough, or interested in enough to achieve anything. One of those things that sinks in as you get older I guess.

I'll likely still upload intermittently but I'm going to be doing my best to just... not. There's not much point to it for me.

[firebuug]

dont mind me 73662516284 julie oc thoughts at (checks watch) 1 am again

im very tired but i thout about julian earlier and i think itd be really fun to explore the fact that ingame julian is really just a clone of the original dead julie. like inmy game my employee julian died but i couldnt mem rep him back so i just remade him exactly the same but slightly different except nobody (not even i) will ever know what the original looks like bc hes been lost to time and poor record keeping

and i think itd be a fucking horrifying realization for anyone in-universe to learn that they used to be close with and work alingside a julian slightly different from the one they know today but that julian is dead and forever lost in time. how the hell would julian react finding out he isnt the real him and hes just a hurried copy made after the memory of the original julian had faded. like this isnt 100% canon but it is fun to think about

i feel like post-lobcorp he’d want to dive deeper into his origins and resurrection since it was kinda glossed over How the manager brought him back, so while tackling amaller projects and finishing his lcorp project he’d start working on unearthing that as a private personal project. i think through enough poking and prodding in that area hed eventually be bound to find records of him being a copy of his own corpse or of there being different timelines and the dead julie is from one slightly different than theirs

i think hed become even more intensely invested after recovering from the shock of That and get back to obsessing over uncovering more and more with each new report and article and paper until his husbands have to yank him back by the scruff and go UR DONE PLEASE WORK ON YOUR OTHER PROJECTS AND TAKE A BREAK THE HUMAN MIND IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING THIS MUCH WHITE DAMAGE ‼️‼️‼️ and after listening to them and taking a fat break hes like oh jesus fuck yeah thats nightmarish. i think ill go outside and walk in the park and pet dogs and regain my sense of humanity again before i start writing my own case study. and once he gets unhusked he’ll put together the most bizarre most passionate self-case study the local paper will ever see

i love post lcorp julie because he gets super invested into the shit he cares about and will write pages upon pages of the most fucked up shit. he gets his nose in business he shouldnt be sticking it in and comes out with a new article to submit to the local Fuck The Wings zine. hes sticking it to the man by revealing all the darkest secrets of the man but only a few people will ever know bc he never puts it in mainstream papers lest he be assassinated by the government or something

tl;dr - if julie ever finds out hes a mandela effect bernstein vs bernstain alternate julian hes not gonna be normal about it but then will proceed to be weirdly normal about it in a julie style way by ripping into internal documents and scientific conspiracy papers and writing an essay about it. and i dont know how anyone else would react but eva can mourn and have the worlds worst reality check and go back to shoving that aside with all the other woes and lay with his weird dimensional time and space boyfriend for 292783949567 hours until he forgets about it

[itsjustagoober]

Ya know what?

Through the shit posts, the memes, the current events, the heritage posts, the inbox prompts, the drawing prompts, the character prompts and everything else, I want to thank all of you for supporting me day in and day out.

I know it seems like an easy and small thing to thank you guys for, but lemme at least try to let you know where I'm coming from with this. I'm gonna put this under a read more so I don't clog your dashes, but also for those who want to personally read it out too. I am going to be a bit vulnerable here, so I appreciate my own psuedo-privacy this way too. I may lose track of what I'm trying to say too, but that's how it usually goes anyway.

Before I became better acquainted with the internet or met almost all of you here or before, I was just a little guy getting through elementary school like most kids. However, there was one stark difference between me and my classmates: I was a gifted child.

It wasn't until much later in life that I realized what that label had properly fucked up for me and my undiagnosed ADHD and possible autism, but at the time it meant nothing but praise from adults around me and scorn from my fellow classmates.

I was always the weird kid and other kids used to outright avoid me and exclude me from everything, if they could. It usually took teachers and other staff alike to force other kids to partner up with me, even if I never picked up on that in the moment back then.

Other kids I used to consider close friends would simply tease and bully me every day. I was extremely shy and unable to be confrontational, so I would simply let them and take it. I took so much and couldn't tell a single adult because I thought being a Gifted kid meant nothing was supposed to get to you.

One day, though, it finally did get to me. I said something that I couldn't take back and I don't even remember what happened after I said it. I blacked out and when I was aware again, I was in the principal's office with my dad. The one person I absolutely didn't want to involve in any of this and there he was, sitting next to me. So concerned for me, but also disappointed that I couldn't have told him anything about this until I did something that would be on my record forever.

After that, talks were in motion, unbeknownst to me at the time, for us to move in with my grandparents and go to an entirely different school district. For me. All for me because of what I did. Soon enough, that next summer, we moved.

Now I was alone in a new home, a new school and a new neighborhood. The first few weeks of school that year were rough, to say the least. Nobody wanted anything to do with me because I was the new kid and most of the rest of them had all been friends or acquaintances since earlier schooling. The teachers, at least, saw my hidden potential for wanting to be good at what I could, whatever they put in front of me to work on.

However, I was no longer the only gifted kid around. There were dozens, actually, so I thought I could make new friends that way. Once again, peers were just weirded out by me. They knew something was off about me, even if we all didn't know why back then. Once again, I was mostly left floundering for myself.

This time, however, I decided that I was tired of being careful and shy anymore. I just wanted to be myself and had fun. So I started acting out and just being myself. The perfect student was there, but now he had sass and humor and shenanigans on his side. Much to the worries of teachers, but less hostility from his peers.

Fast forward a bit and these same peers are with me through middle school, junior high and high school. However, society has been changing around us as a whole during those developmental and influential years. iPods came to exist, the Internet got more mainstream, Facebook just started and wasn't an absolute shit show yet. It was genuinely meant to help you connect to people you couldn't see everyday.

Anyway, same peers get used to my same shit, so they start to get bored and annoyed with me. I didn't care, though, because I had really good friends and shitty grades while having the time of my life. One thing did change for me, though. I discovered I could make friends over the internet, too.

dA (deviantART) is where I got my start with my daily doodles I did in highschool, instead of doing schoolwork. Got to post, people got to see and interact with my art and me and it was good. Found some friends, found some interests I didn't know I had and continued on.

Sometime in the end of 2011 and the start of 2012, one of my favorite artists on dA announced they had started a Tumblr blog. This was the first time I had heard of the site and had no idea what it was like. Outside looking in, I thought it was another dA with even more fandom stuff. Then I actually got in and settled. It was so much more.

The fandoms, the dashboard layout, the accessibility to a newbie like me, the creativity and the absolute banger posts back then too. Something about it just felt like home. Like, more home than home even.

Years have gone by since that day and I have met most of you here, albeit this is a reboot since the first time around. I've met and re-met friends for life on here and I've also gotten a little bit of a following for myself. It is good!

All good things spoil, though. The first runaround, if I recall, there was a smear campaign or two put out on me. I'd say the one was valid, but then the person involved in that ended up just... dropping everything when it turned out they were right in the argument. That one always baffled me. I was misinformed, so you decided to do a call out on me because I didn't know something correctly?? Can't remember the second one anymore, but it was absolute bullshit anyway that ended up being false to everyone involved aside the person who started it.

Sorry, lemme get back to the point. I don't say this enough, or I don't think I do, but I really appreciate what a lot of you do for me. People used to be annoyed at me for spam-liking and reblogging their stuff on my dash to where I'd get banned and I never quite understood that. It was my way of showing my love and support, which I can now gladly say I see all of yours when you guys like and reblog stuff that I do! I see it and it feels me with joy, honestly!

There may be days where I am not around for days or weeks or months at a time, but I always see when you guys are giving likes and reblogs and mentions and I just want to say, from the bottom of my big heart: Thank you so very, very much~! I love y'all and I can't always put into words what it means for me, but yeah! It's nice to feel wanted and loved and cared about and, dare I say, feel missed.

It's weird to say that too, given what I had known all my life before the reboot of Tumblr even, but yes. It was always a home away from home and I'm glad I get to share it all with you. Ya know, like popping in and seeing how you're all doing or a wave as we pass by on the street. It means so much to me, it does.

It's why I often find myself in a rut when I disappear for awhile and leave people hanging on replies or plots or character stuff. I don't mean to clam up, I just sometimes get busy and get so tired that I can't keep up. I'm usually too afraid to say anything about it, too.

Even before COVID, I didn't have much of a sense of time and my 'relationship meter' is busted. If we have every talked and we're good friends? Well, to me, we still are and have been, even if we don't talk much~! There is no lowering of the meter, just up and steady, ya know?

But yes. I love you all and I deeply appreciate you all supporting me all these years and day in and day out. I hope this is a sliver of the start to show what all you guys mean to me.

Now I'm gonna go take a nap because I exhausted myself writing this and have been on and off crying the whole time I've been typing this.

Have a great day, y'all. I'll see ya again soon enough~!

[babsvibes]

maybe bts with local flour outage? I love your fics btw!

Local Flour Outage

Behind the scenes under the cut!

In some ways, power outages held a type of charm.

As I have made abundantly clear, I am from Texas and WOULD have had no idea what a power outage during winter is actually like. Except, lucky for you all, our state government is full of a bunch of cucks and we had that winter storm last year that lasted longer because of our shit electrical grid, so I got to be very familiar with what stands out when you’ve been cold and without internet for a few days.

Determined not to let that ache in her chest control her

Almost every poem I’ve ever written has been about story and nostalgia and the pain of fond memories. I think if I leaned more into that, I could maybe try writing more prose, but don’t worry I’ll keep the heavy dialogue going for now lol

Now, moving into the fourth day, Louise noticed the frayed edges and fading vibrance of her perfectly curated furniture.

There would be absolutely no sense of what Louise’s apartment looks like if it wasn’t for my beta Gemgirl28 who said “have you considered describing a setting?”

“But I’m not walking out in the freeze to help you kill yourself.”

“Just this once?”

I love that this became the summary, but it was originally supposed to be Louise kicking Logan out of her apartment:

“Are you really that naive?” Logan bent down to her height and whispered, full of spite, “Every person you have ever been with has wanted to be the little spoon. Wanted to wear you like a backpack, and it’s just a fact of life.”

“Here’s another fact for you,” Louise said and started to shouldered him towards the door. “Freeze to death in your own apartment. I’m tired of your goddamn attitude.”

Without permission, he directed himself to the couch and plopped down, claiming his favorite spot closer to the arc lamp he would swing back and forth when bored.

My favorite activity is sneaking in a million different ways that these two Know each other and seeing which ones my readers latch onto. This one didn’t land, but I think everyone was too distracted by the make out scene lol.

“-an Aunt Gayle original from her anus period.”

The greatest string of words I’ve ever put together.

They swapped stories about their most terrible presents received, and he again reminded her of how much he loooved his melon baller and the ton of action it got in the very back of his utensil drawer.

I think one day I’ll rewrite this piece. I’m so grateful that people like it, but bits like this seem rushed to me. Of course, the first fic I ever posted was 4k words about a 10 minute car ride, sooo that might just be my desire to slow the fuck down and actually LIVE in this conversation lol

“Uhhh,” she scratched her chin. “I have scrabble?”

With how hard he jolted and shook his head, she was surprised his neck hadn’t cracked.

“Absolutely not.”

Tom Bush saying “it’s you-know-what night” when referring to him and Cynthia’s Scrabble Night changed me as a person.

“Oh my god,” she said, concealing none of her astonishment. “Did you not know you can use gas during a power outage?”

Ripped from the very real experience of my current partner not knowing you could use gas in a power outage. The winter storm taught us a lot about each other.

“I have a heat source. You go shiver in the living room.”

Nobody cared that they got pranked three times, and I am POUTING about it. (I posted a pirate fic for the the shiver prompt, I posted a more conventional shiver story the day after, AND I put up 8 fics instead of 7). I feel like that deserves sooome “oh you old so and so!” But no. Everybody’s distracting by the ✨kissing✨

She stilled as a pair of arms wrapped around her hips. Through their multiple layers, she could feel him all the same pressed against her back. Neither moved. He had even stopped breathing.

👀👀👀 ooooooo, lol I love Logan taking risks romantically. He basically has to because Louise would never without like a toooon of narrative influence and introspection, but he’s also very stubborn and (in my headcanons) worries about being loved. It leads to him ALSO not wanting to take the first step, but anytime a character goes “actually, wait, no, yeah I’m gonna do it” my heart does little flips. Awkward characters arent my cup of tea, and, while he may be an idiot, Logan’s confident about it.

“You didn’t know? You lose a lot of heat in the neck,” and he punctuated the thought with what could have been a kiss, but all she could focus on was the breath ghosting over her pulse point.

Have y’all seen The Waitress (the movie)? There’s this scene where she’s in the kitchen and the doctor is kissing her neck, and the whole time I’m like “more of this always and forever”

Grabbing the handle, Logan didn’t bother with a bowl and scooped straight from the pot.

King of dumbass bachelor behavior

That still didn’t give him the right to come into her apartment with his words, and his face, and his arms and-

A line that I can hear lol

“I don’t care.” Logan stuck his nose in the air. “I know what I’m worth, and it’s at least ten minutes of being little spoon.”

Fucking love this whole exchange about being the little spoon. This is where the fic originated (an idea of Louise and Logan arguing about who was going to get to be little spoon), so it kind of read like it’s the heart of the fic. To me at least!

“I hate how beds are cold when you first get in,” Louise said to the ceiling, “and you have to lay there for a bit until it warms up.”

“That’s most things though, isn’t it?” Logan shrugged and shuffled to also talk to the ceiling. “You have to jump in then adjust.”

What is this? Literary devices maybe? Dramatic irony perhaps? I may be laying it on a bit thick, but I was excited for this part because it’s like “yeah it’s new and that’s different but it’ll be good if you give it a chance. And if it never warms up then you jump out, but like wouldn’t you rather try to be cozy if that’s what you want anyway?”

He whistled, and she tilted to find him staring at the wall where her hwandudaedo was mounted.

Trying to find a sword for Louise sent me on an hour long quest where I absolutely got distracted and starting watching “rusty sword restored” type videos. The ones that kinda sound like asmr? Yeah those. I retained NONE of the sword knowledge.

She was wearing his shirt.

The wearing of another character’s clothes in my writing is a pretty good indication that something sexy is about to happen in the next ten lines or so.

His hand slipped under one, and the chill of his fingers hit her bare skin. Much like the dripping faucet, it shocked her but in a way that made her feel alive.

Connecting a line later on back to the intro is something that can actually be so personal

“What?” Logan asked then nosed under her beanie, his cheek brushing against her ear. “Jeez!”

She jerked away at the sudden noise, turning to glare at him. “Ow! Be careful, that’s my ear you’re yelling in.”

If you’re worried about writing sexy, write something unsexy to put in there. It eases your own nerves, makes it feel more realistic, and give your characters something to joke about (and humor is very very sexy)

The “Oh fuck” fell out of his mouth like it had been waiting on his tongue for too long. His hand agreed, shooting up from her waist and into her hair, and pulling her to him for a kiss. Her similar habit of not backing down led her to deepen their passion until both were left breathless.

Again, they parted with matching shudders. Logan’s choke for air halfway made it out of his mouth before he swallowed it back down. He angled his chin in tiny measures but didn’t come closer even as his lips stayed parted with all the wanting and hoping neither could verbalize.

This bit came to me while I was in the shower. I have never once interrupted my showers for anything, not god, king, or country, but I damn near bust my ass slipping out of the bathroom to write this down.

She angled to give him more room but let a whisper escape her. “So good.”

Stuck just before another bite, he stilled.

“Again,” he said, rough and desperate.

Me, chanting and beating on the table: praise kink, praise kink, praise kink. But then also continuing to play with the power dynamics by having him make a demand while being horned up? (Double tucks my hair) not so bad if I do say so myself

The power came back at eight that night, but Louise and Logan decided they wanted to pretend for a little while longer.

They didn’t fuck btw. I know I know, but consider the horrible wonderful build up to their actual sex scene? Hm? Anyway, loooved how this ended, and I hope y’all did too!

[idealspawn]

why the fuck do i have to have acne. this shit has ruined my life. literally predominantly this. me feeling dirty is written all over my fucking face i cant even try to ignore it. im afraid ill literally drop out of university bc of this. i dont make practically any plans w friends bc i feel disgusting. i cant make it out of the fucking house more than once a week if even that. this is so fucking unfair i dont know anyone who eats as clean as i do or has this good of a personal hygiene. most of my life ive avoided alcohol and smoking at all costs but at one point gave up only in the terms of weed because this shit wont go away either way. ive been on every fuckinf medication there is and even if ive had a few times that my skin cleared up, it has come back multiple times and worse each time. im tired of being on pills too, i dont want to fuck my gut up again. why cant my fucking acne be all cute and react to fucking meds properly this one time and be done w it. why the fuck does mine keep coming back for so many years. nobody else in my family has acne i dont understand wtf went wrong w me then. i know i shouldnt fucking complain bc my sister has it way worse, she has type 1 diabetes since she was 3 and many of my problems root from my looks which is so fucking superficial. but i cant help but wonder why the fuck did i have to be the daughter that got a crooked nose, a fucking cross bite and an underbite, a collapsed fucking ribcage and acne. why did i get the shittier genes regarding education as well, i am not nearly as academically successful and smart as my sister is. why am i the one who got the worse end of the stick regarding our family trauma as well. why the fuck are the effects of it debilitating on me and have lasted up until adulthood but not for my sister. ive done so much inner work and i constantly push myself to trust again and be open and kindhearted but im tired. i dont understand why do i keep getting blamed for shit i cant be responsible for too. i know everyone has problems and to everyone theirs are the fucking worst bc they experience it firsthand but it doesnt help the feeling go away. all i want is a simple fucking life. all i want is to live a normal life and be able to attend university and take part of normal things that normal young ppl do and not feel like love is exclusive bc its rare for someone to be attracted to someone like me. i just want to be fucking ordinary, completely basic and normal. im tired of fucking battleing with something at all times, its like i can never stop to take a breath. everything is actually okay whatever you cant fight destiny and what has happened has happened. i just want to whine. its easy to find reasons to hate your life if you start looking for them. my life has a lot of blessings too and privileges that some cant even dream about. stuff sure could be worse than this. nonetheless its all so emotionally taxing. im drained again and am left with no energy to study. didnt attend my lecture today again because my skin looked horrible and i dont have the balls to ask my professor for any accomodations. this whole post is me catastrophizing shit and an amazing example of the slippery slope and snowball effect that they taught us in uni last year to avoid.

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[xx-slug-xx]

//cw- vent post, suicide, sh, and mental health mentions (sorry that this is not within the realms of my blog lol, I just have nowhere else to say it)

As much as I want to support people and help them, I just can’t anymore. I can’t let my own mental health decline because I’m trying to help.

The amount of times I’ve been treated as someone’s therapist, I’ve had others vent to me about horrible things without my consent, and talk people out of suicide is astounding at this point. I feel terrible for saying this. I want people to live and I want to help where I can. But I’m so tired now. I feel like I can’t have a normal friendship or relationship with anyone because I always have the burden of supporting them. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. It really seems like everyone I’ve gotten close to has loaded all their bullshit onto me, expect me to side with them, and bring me into situations that I want nothing to do with.

I want to set boundaries with people, but I can’t do that while they are talking about how much they want to kill themselves, their abusive relationship, or how much their life sucks. That would be awful to do to someone. And if they do kill themselves, then I’d be guilty knowing that I could have done something to help them. I don’t know when a good time to set boundaries would be either, once they start doing this to me. Then it becomes the “I thought I could be open with you!”, “oh thanks, now that’s put me over the edge and I’m going to kill myself this time”, or “I’m sorry, I really am a burden I guess”. I just can’t do this anymore, but I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t feel like I actually matter to the people I care about sometimes and I’m just a tool for them to release their emotions and make the feel better.

I know what it’s like to be suicidal, hell I’m suicidal right now, and all the time. I’ve been through worse though, and I know I can make it out of this. If anyone understands what suicide, depression, anxiety, and all that good stuff feels like, I have the right to say that it’s me! I have so much sympathy for people going through rough patches, it’s unbelievable. It’s because of that sympathy that I put myself into these situations to begin with!

I have so much advice to give people on what i belive is probably a good corse of action to take. “Don’t do that just yet and wait untill you’re calm enough to think clearly”, “nobody thinks that way about you and if they do, then they are stupid and you shouldn’t worry about their opinion”, “go the the mental hospital because I’m worried about you”, “maybe you shouldn’t get back with the guy who was beating you because he’ll probably do it again”, but no matter what I say, it’s in vane. As soon as someone starts venting to me about their problems, they don’t want advice. They already make their choice on what to do next, they won’t listen to a word I say. I feel like that’s what hurts the most. No matter how hard I try to help people, no matter what rational thing that I, as an outside viewer, has to say on the situation, it never seems to be worth the effort. They just want me to agree with how much their life sucks and agree that their choice is right. And then, when they ignore what I say and their situation gets worse, I’m the one they go to about it. I’m so tired of being stressed out and worried about people’s safety because I know they won’t listen to me.

I just want to have normal relationships with the people in my life. That is all I ask. I don’t want to constantly have a codependent relationship with everyone I know. I just want people to stop coming to me when I already have my own shit that I deal with.

I don’t really know what I should do to make this stop, and I feel like I’m going to relapse after being 9 months in the clear for self harm. I don’t think I will, but the feeling is crushing regardless. I’ve been so good for so long, and I really don’t want my mental health to go to shit because of what responsibilities other people are dumping on me that I can’t handle. I have so much going on, and other things to worry about. I can’t be worried about people because of what they though was ok to tell me unprompted.

Sorry guys for dumping this. I tagged it for a reason and I really just needed to get my thoughts out in the open. I’m safe, I’m with people, and I won’t do anything stupid. Done this song and dance too many times to do something that I’ll regret now! Don’t worry about me lmao

[kvvvnjamz]

One last text post.

I want to do drugs so bad, I had to quit smoking weed for a job that doesn't make me want to end it all during and after every shift. I can sneak it in every once in a while, and I do then just hope that I don't get that random within the week. I'm desperate for that feeling of MDMA, but I know nobody who has it and have not for a long time. I could probably get some mushrooms but it's not the same. It's been forever since I've done mushrooms like a whole 7 years I think. I did molly right before the pandemic, some really good stuff too. I did coke right at the start but coke is washed these days and isn't that great anyways, nothing really transformative happens but the act is fun I guess if I knew it was safe I'd toot some nose beers. I've been thinking about drinking a lot more lately, but I know deep down that's a bad idea to open that specific flood gate and reset the progress I have made. Coming up on 3 years roughly in march or April, idk the exact date I had my last drink. I didn't suffer from crippling alcoholism or anything but I would just have a drink and when I drank I just wanted to keep drinking but it did not have the level of control over me that I see with other people, not drinking wasn't a big deal I didn't NEED it but I enjoyed it. Main reason I no longer drink is because my partner has a much more dependent relationship with alcohol, so if she can also refrain from drinking so can I. That all being said, man I just wanna feel something outside of myself. I really would like to feel a stimulant, shit I'd settle for a line of meth at this point if I could get my hands on it but I would prefer a million things over that. I'm just tired of feeling how I feel all the time, I'd like a little vacation from it, not as a constant but just as a brief little taste of chemicals my brain just isn't really creating for me. I have a pretty healthy relationships with substances, only one that I struggle with is Kratom because I have a physical addiction to it due to the fact that early on it was gloated about as this great thing that had absolutely 0 negatives. So I do kick that can down the road, and I didn't step into using it with the same guard up as I would with any other substance which was dumb on my part but they used to swear it was not addictive so I took that information at face value. Compare that to the couple times I did H dog, I approached that with the knowledge that I should not re-dose or use with any sort of consistency hence why I am not a heroin addict. Same with the times I have used meth, I accepted there was gonna be a comedown and that was the price I paid for the time I spent high and again did not re-dose.

So anyways what I am trying to say is I wanna get high off something with a little kick, just cuz I am so tired of feeling meh. Is that so much to ask? Why can that not be a more normalized thing, what kinda change would we need in the US at least to make this a reality people can do safely and responsibly. Idk but if you know somebody with some molly send em my way plz and thx.

Oh and don't do drugs.

[skinnyravs]

Always venting

It seems when I feel like coming here I just complain. lol. But that's because there is too many people on my FB and Twitter that will just say shit to others if I rant there. haha.

So what do I have to complain about this time?

Well my last post I think I was talking about how you think you have friends in game but they eventually just fizzle out or leave etc. The more I look at it the more it makes sense of why I feel that way about it. Every day that I play Destiny i see a common thing.

I have always talked about people I used to know, people I used to play with etc etc. And when you see them on and you don't get a reply or an invite but they will do shit with other people it brings about a feeling of dejection, abandonment, and rejection. And it makes you question why. Why should you make an effort anymore.

It gets tiresome when you feel like you are always making the effort and people just sort of fob you off. Be it in the obvious way or in the subtle way. And when it keeps happening you start to lose faith in people and you sort of retreat to yourself and you want to spend more time alone. Then when you say something because of how you feel, people will just say oh your being too sensitive, your nit picking your not getting along with people your burning bridges with them. When in fact that isn't it. The feeling of disappointment becomes so overpowering you just can't take it anymore and you lose yourself in anger and you can never shake it and when you see it in front of you on the screen / in a game it actually gets worse. Nobody but yourself will understand it.

I see my friends list on the game and i sit there thinking. "What more can I do?" And the only answer is: Nothing, just do it yourself. Nobody wants to play with you so just find a way to do it yourself. I have messaged people in the past, I've tried to talk to them but all it ever leads to is silence and at first its fine but the longer it goes on it makes me question why I have even bothered. And yes I know the whole that's just life etc etc speech but the end story is I'm sick of always trying. For once why can't others take the lead?? Why can't both sides do it? Nobody seem to be doing it, and in the end I'm the one that gets kind of pushed aside. I'm sick of that. I'm sick of trying to be better trying to be open when that's not a natural thing to do for me. For damn once I'd like the people in this game to come to me and go: hey come join this and this and this. Not me asking people for once it be nice for others to do that and not just because they desperately need help with a quest, an exotic, a mission etc. I mean, there was only ONE person recently that did that and it wasn't even in the same clan I didn't even know who they were. It was someone that was following one of my streams and ended up talking to me and stuff and it was fun. That is the kind of thing I need, not me constantly having to reach out to people.

So ugh frustrating to handle no wonder I get snappy because i am god damn tired of it.

But you know what wishing / hoping for that will never happen clearly I am just dreaming. So again I will always have to start stuff and hope i get a yes not silence. But believe me I know its always silence I receive or no i'm busy type thing.

[adepressedartist]

For fucks sake I can't calm down from it.

What was supposed to be a great night (which it overall was) that i tell my fiancé and bestfriend about after turned into a fucking nightmare in which i tried to convince myself that someone secretly gave me Bromo dragonfly or some shit and I'm in a bad psychosis since I'm in a coma. I tried talking myself into it multiple hours because i couldn't fucking understand how me sleeping is a reason to get fucking forcibly sent to a ward. I don't get hangovers from substances but for fucks sake after over 48hrs of being awake i wanted to sleep. And without context, just "yeah what u posted on the gram seemed sewerslidal" i couldn't get it. Because omfg. When i cried and begged for help fuCKING EVERYBODY. Ignored me. But then I have an absolute amazing mood, and my mental health is good again, it's taken away from me, i get fucking screamed at by someone i once trusted which she fucking destroyed as well with that because lord forbid how often I told her how badly this fucks my trust up. I'm not getting triggered by it anymore, that was years ago. But as soon as someone starts, in a serious manner screaming at me, it's over. She can be fucking lucky there were cops keeping me from breaking the law. she can be glad I was so tired and exhausted. She can be glad I was moments before in such a good mood.

But for fucks sake. When i begged for help, i got ignored, i got a "lol same haha", i got belittled with a "yeah turn it down i have it harder rn, you don't even have a job". BUT WHEN I FEEL GREAT MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS RUINED AND I GET SENT TO THE WARD?

I don't get it tbh. Absolutely not.

Like, after having some godforsaken context the next day which she didn't even tell me but my fiancé did. I understood where this all came from. But from her i only got "you acted weird". Great. I have DID/MPD. Surprise surprise, you know barely nobody in this system because nobody wants to talk to you. If i act "weird", you probably just forgot that i exist with other people for fucks sake. And it made me even more angry in the moment because her only reasons were that i didn't pick up my phone. Didn't open up my door. And was weird.

And the best thing is. I had this happen with her multiple times now. She did something shit. We talked it out more or less. I ignored that she's victimising herself. Said alright. Let's got over this.

But she fucking continues.

I told her multiple times to not fucking do this because no, it does not make me feel bad, i actively choose when to feel empathy. But I know that it will have legal consequences if she's not stopping because she's making me fucking aggressive. So i tried to not fucking snap at, or hit her a couple of days ago and told her to fucking stop it and she felt like it was fucking funny.

If she will do it again, i will fucking try to yeet myself out of protest. Or push her down a huge flight of stairs. Nobody is fucking listenign to me, i am repeating myself so fucking often and I'm tired of it. She fucking destroyed the weekend by screaming at me that even the cops looked scared at her. By screaming at me she made my neighbors look outside their apartments. And so fucking muvh more. And tHEN SHE FUCKING ACTS LIKE THE VICTIM LIKE FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU MAKE ME WANNA KILL EITHER YOU OR MYSELF. FUCKING STOP I WAS SO FUCKING AGGRESSIVE AND TRIED TO JUST BREATHE IT AWAY BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO DO IN THAT MOMENT WAS ILLEGAL. AND FOR FUCKSSAKE WAS I HAPPY THE CURSE I DID IN YHE WARD FOR HER WORKED BECAUSE GOD WAS I ANVRY AND STILL ARE. SHE FUCKING ACTS LIKE A SMALL CHILD OVER AND OVER.

Yeah so that I calmly talk to someone, is not showing what i feel towards them in any way. Iget it. It was a big misunderstanding. It led to many bad things, but that is fine. I am an understanding person.

But i am angry at one guy. Because if i hate something, is when "friends" lie to your fucking face.

And i am angry at her for being an ignorant bitch that only sees herself. Idk where the friendship is going after all the shit she has generally done in the last 5-6 months, but i will definitely cut contact a bit now, because hell nah. I'm not her therapist anymore, and if she just wants to sit at my home all day watching tiktok with me she can also fuck off.

Will i tell her all of those things politely without hurting her feelings while all the way manipulating her? Yes. Why? Because i know exactly there are people in this head that unlike me now, still hold her dear.

But she played all her chances. I forgave her multiple times, but i never forgot. I'm so fucking fed up with humanity.