#on the other hand my paranoia is so fucking bad now that i cant even talk to half those people anymore anyway

[cloudd-nyne]

Random dumb fear: being asked what my otps are bc its very obvious what the answer is from my fics but i rarely actually talk about them because im convinced ill be mocked/teased/bullied for it.

I love that my paranoia has gotten 1000000% worse over the last three years it feels great

[lvxybby]

It kills me to love you (kai anderson x reader) Angst. (it'll get better <3) PART 2

i sat there on the bench. i became full of stress once i hung up on kai. i did way to much and i know ill get punished for it. will he beat me? scream and yell at me? lock me in a closet? i dont know. i really cant deal with him anymore. i want the things he promised me. he promised to keep me safe, educate me, stay LOYAL to me if im loyal to him, WHICH IS ALL I HAVE BEEN! he has promised me so much! and EVERY SINGLE ONE IS BROKEN! i cant take it! i wont! im tired of him calling me weak and a slut for crying over something or dressing a certain way. i have been taking all his bullshit for so long, and he doesnt expect me to feel bad? sometimes i really miss the old kai. the sweet quiet fun kai. the one who would braid my hair and kiss my cheek when im sad. i miss him coming over and talking to me about his parents. he wont tell me anything because hes so eaten up with paranoia. and vince? he doesnt help one bit. his brother is a mess and all he does is supply kai with adderall! i sat there on that bench or hours just thinking. it grew darker and darker and soon it was 10:30. i held my things close to my body. i didnt want to go back. i couldnt go back. soon i saw the familiar grey toyota pull up onto the side of the curb. kai along with meadow got out. dear lord help me. her "very real blonde" hair was over her shoulders and down her back. i sat patiently and waited. kai walked over to me and slapped me so hard i thought i would pass out. "what the fuck!" he shouted. i stayed quiet. "seriously what the fuck" meadow said "oh shut your fucking mouth you cunt!" i snapped back at her "you have no reason to be in this? why the hell are you even here?!" i continued. kai hit me once more. "you have no right to talk to her like that after what you've done" he growled. "kai i dont want to be around you! thats why i left! all you care about anymore is yourself and meadow! YOU always call me weak and a slut and a attention seeker! ALL those names and you dont expect me to get upset! I DONT WANT TO BE AROUND YOU!" i cried out "what happened to the loyalty? you promised loyalty to go both ways and ive been by your side, helping you dispose of YOUR doings! i do my task no matter how i feel! i always do what you want me to and you dont do anything else for me!" i yelled at him. he snatched my arm and dragged me to his car. i fought back, digging my nails into his skin. i clawed and dug them into his arm but it didnt stop him. meadow followed us. he opened the door and threw me into the back. i hit my head hard on the other side. i quivered as kai got into the front seat, meadow following. he put on his seatbelt and began to drive back to his house. was this it? is this all he would do? no. theres no way. i quietly let tears flow down my face. i rubbed the spot where i hit my head. it felt warm. i moved my hand to find blood smeared onto it. i covered my mouth as i cried a bit more. he stopped right in front of his house and got out. he came over by me and opened the door and began to drag me out by my hair. the asphalt scratched and cut my calves, leaving my legs bleeding. i tried to force his hand away from my hair but he never let go. he pulled me inside and slammed his door "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" he screamed. "YOU DONT TALK ABOUT THAT ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE" he continued. i cried more. he dragged me down to the basement and threw me down onto the hard cold floor. my head was bleeding so much by now. i cried out in pain from the sudden force. i was in so much pain. everything hurt, so badly. "kai please" i cried. i couldnt even stand up i hurt so bad. "no im not done with you" he whispered close to me. "kai all i did was leave the house for a few hours cause i was upset! i never wanted this to happen! i left cause i couldnt take it anymore! i have done so much for you for 2 years! 2! but meadow kills a guy and it so perfect! Ive done so much shit for you! to make YOU happy to make YOU comfortable I HAVE DONE SO MUCH BUT YOU DONT CARE! SO WHY DO YOU WANT ME AROUND!?" I yelled back at him. he sat there quiet for a minute.

[angelsofneonandgarbage]

sorey for being a bit. scary on main. i just finished madk vol. 3 which is finally out in english and i was so excited for it but the ending is a near closed-loop cyclical ending which always really bothers me n puts me in a state in nihilistic anxiety/dissociation idk but also. it just makes me wanna feel things again. i wanna stop taking my meds. ive had the upped dose for a week ish now n its bringing back my paranoia which should settle in a week tops but it's bothering me bc it means i cant listen to tma bc that's creepy enough to set it off. sorry i swear my mental health has actually been better these last couple of days im slowly regaining mental functionality to an extent but i keep slipping and falling and i just. don't have the spoons to figure out every problem i have and address them enough to be functional again. like there's the attachment problems w my ex which keep coming back every time i feel like jm getting over them, the chronic exhaustion and general symptoms of pots, my meds fucking with me, general depression but also manic episodes, the fact im way over budget but my mum wants me to get her a 60 quid fountain pen for her birthday/mothers day and im not going to be there to see her around that time anyway sso i have even less of an excuse to cheap out. and ive been committedly lying abt my mental state to my parents to convince them im getting better than i was at xmas even tho im worse bc my mum will come up here and invade my uni life if she realises how bad i am doing

ah yeah i hate when fiction leads to like a major dissociative bit especially bc i love to use media as an escape when im floating out my body and then it goes and makes it worse and sets off a chain reaction of pent up shittiness? the absolute worst fr

not to sound like an overbearing parent but pls take ur meds !!!!! ik it sucks rn getting thru the adjustment phase but think of how things will change once u get used to them! u may not notice a crazy positive change right away but think of the small things. like u can listen to tma again once ur adapted to ur meds!! even if it’s something small that gets u thru daily tasks like that. u could take ur pills in the morning and be like “this is for u martin”

and oh god ex drama we both know that one well. idk if it would help but maybe if every time u have a like thought abt them that makes u feel any way that’s great just text me ur thoughts to try and get them out yk. like how i texted u like “the voices!!” when i was talking abt my ex like the other week pls feel free to do that back if u think it would help

and exhaustion and depression suck man i wish i had some like quippy little tip or smthn for u there but i’m suffering right there with u on those. and maybe just the thought that we’re going thru that together could help? holding ur hand thru the horrors <3

and oh man money problems r the worse omg. ik u said the pen is like 60 quid and mothers day is coming up so idk what ur like personal budget is looking like but me when i’m trying to make bigger purchases is i set aside a few bucks a day like just a few dollars $2 or $3 nothing that seems like a lot just a little snack or drink price but somthing that adds up a decent bit when done for a few days straight and u have like two ish weeks till then right? so u could make a decent dent with that plan

and hey i’m all for lying to parents but i think u shoukd consider the possibility that u may need to ask for help at one point even tho that’s so hard and ur mom will get all up in ur business but maybe it could help. or u could think of ur daily life like ur mom is there or nearby as a way to like watch urself and try to control what ur doing if that makes sense?

[leporellian]

please infodump about song of the sky it sounds interesting :))

ok so. song of the sky my novel song of the sky. if you followed my webcomic back when i was doing that this will probably sound more than familiar to you but that's fine

SO song of the sky takes place in like. you know in like, 80s animated kids movies where the mice or rats or whatever have their -secret civilized animals- society and they basically all act like humans except for when they don't? That Trope is the basis of the setting here. all the characters (unless otherwise specified) are cats. they act like people though. humans still exist, and they live in a world for humans! the humans can't understand them or anything. you know that meme from barnyard (2006)? essentially that. and its in chicago. you know how it is

ok now anyway now that we've gotten this out of the way

so like 2 years prior to the story (which is longer to cats ofc) the former ruler of the city cats, king sarastro, was Overthrown by The Starblazer, a revolutionary. sarastro and the starblazer were actually originally close friends but sarastro cared too much abt his private circle of people and not enough abt like, The Actual Citizens Of His City, for the starblazer's comfort and this growing rift led to them McFucking Attacking each other. so the starblazer and her husband become rulers and are like 'yay we did it :) we're better than kings! we can do this better!' but it turns out they CANT do it better bc the husband just Dies of stress and the starblazer is overcome with the same paranoia and fear of her own people that led to acting Like That. and then even though she was just like 'i am better than kings and queens i'm going to elect my heir based on merit :)' like 5 mins ago she decides 'oh no i don't trust anyone besides my own daughter to be next heir lol' so Nothing Has Been Done.

also sarastro is still alive. his kids were killed etc but he himself is still alive and still has his followers. so now we have sarastro and the starblazer, who are both very similar but also really hate each other, vying for control of the city. nothing can go bad here

so the plot kicks off when sarastro is like 'wait i GOT it'. he and his second in command, the speaker, have figured out that if they just steal the starblazer's daughter/heir and wait for the starblazer to die, then they essentially get power handed to them on a platter without having to fight. the morality of this decision can be debated bc on one hand, finding a way to solve things without sending your citizens into battle is a Good Idea, but on the other hand... you know. kidnapping. so naturally the starblazer flips her shit over this

so anyway the main protagonist of this isn't sarastro OR the starblazer even tho they caused all this mess. it's pamina, the starblazer's daughter, and tamino, a randomass(?) housecat she recruited to go get pamina from sarastro.

tamino is filled with wanderlust and really wants to have a destiny and an identifiable purpose for his existence. he also really wants approval from everyone around him, particularly parental figures. no way that can go badly. tamino is accompanied in his quest by papageno, a birdcatcher working for the starblazer who really just doesn't give a shit about this entire situation. tamino tells him 'hey i'm suffering from a pathological need to only value myself on a basis of how much praise and approval i get from authoritative figures' tamino says. 'geez that sucks have you tried like not fucking worrying about it dude' replies papageno. also papageno has a dead fiancee but that's a whole other thing i'll get to her -later-

meanwhile pamina is just so fucking funny to me because she's spending every moment just figuring out how to kill sarastro. she hates that asgore dreemurr looking ass bitch so much. but also a lot of this thinking comes from her wanting to please her mother . pamina is so Fucking Mad but she's also really quiet and biding her time with all this. meanwhile she's accompanied by monostatos, sarastro's apprentice. monostatos is a strategist and a shapeshifter. he thinks that if he can get the chance, he can be made sarastro's heir and fix the whole issue between sarastro and the starblazer. he sees sarastro as his adoptive father and sarastro doesn't give a shit abt him lol its funny but also kind of sad. so basically this is rejection sensitive dysphoria: the novel

also there's the speaker, sarastro's second in command who is just Really Fucking Tired Of Everybody; and the forsaken molly, who just runs around annoying sarastro and the speaker bc she doesn't like them LOL

IF YOU WERE ABLE TO CATCH ANY OF THAT SHIT AND UNDERSTAND IT. You Get Special Victorian Cross Honors, because i am insane <3

[noirwritingtime]

Dangerous.. Lifeform?

CW: horror, language, paranoia/anxiety

******

"Henrik- Hen, I uh.. this may be a bad time to drop this on you but I've.. well, it's easier to explain once you're here! See you soon, please hurry-"

Henrik frowns slightly, hearing the voicemail repeat once more. Vhat zhe fuck is he doing? The good doctor drives to their shared place, growing more and more concerned as time passes.

He was right to be concerned.

All the lights are on, some lamps too, and it is bright as an endless lit void. The doctor has to squint his eyes slightly from how bright it is in the house.

"Jackie?"

The sound of footsteps come from the hallway and Jackie waves him over.

"C'mere, it's in here."

That's concerning, thinks the doctor.

"Vhat's in there?" Jackie shakes his head and waves him over again. The doctor sighs and heads over. "I mean it Jackie."

"You'll see-"

The hero opens the door to the spare back room. The two head inside, the doctor seeing what Jackie was talking about. A silent gasps leaves him.

"Vhat..who?" He mutters, not able to look away.

"It showed up one day.."

In front of them, masked by the darkest corner of the not so brightly lit room, sits a figure. Curled over itself and emitting a low hum. Henrik moves closer, just by a bit before being yoinked back by Jackie.

"It's not happy-"

It is a good thing Jackie grabbed him cause the thing swiped at him- large claws being the main thing visible and terrifying.

The doctor gasps, noting the claws.

The thing pushes back into the corner after stating its place with the others.

"Does it-" He clears his throat and addresses the thing instead. "Do you speak?"

It shifts as it tries to form a response.

"Grhgh..I can." It flashes its eyes at him, bright green scleras are the only thing seen. This shocks both the doctor and hero.

"Oh, that is great. Do you have a name?"

"Anti. Hhrk."

"Do you have something in your throat?"

It doesn't respond to that, but if its face was visible the others would note the devilish smirk it wears. It shifts again to stare at Henrik, taking an interest.

"Anti is a unique name, did you choose it?" Henrik tilts his head, interested enough that he almost forgets he has to chastise Jackie for harboring an unknown creature without telling him sooner.

"..sort of."

"Zhat's nice. Where did you come from?"

It gurgles, maybe it is giggling. After a moment of very loud gurgling, it goes quiet.

"Not here."

Henrik figured that might be the answer it gives. He hums.

"You've got humor."

It smiles and nods, quite proud of that about itself.

"Well, I'm going to go talk with my friend. You just sit tight." Henrik smiles at the thing and backs away with Jackie.

The two exit the room and Henrik slaps Jackie's shoulder.

"Vhat zhe fuck happened? Start talking." Henrik says hushed and quickly. Jackie looks down and nods.

"I will I will-" Jackie takes a moment to gather his thoughts. He feels the gaze from the doctor and looks at him. "It showed up one day in my room, don't know how, but it happened. I panicked and then it started panicking? I'm not sure. Next thing I know, I've got it cornered into that room, cause the thing doesn't like lights apparently."

Henrik raises a brow. "Is that why every light in the house is at full brightness?" Jackie nods. "Makes sense.. have you talked at all- how soon after did you message me?"

"Eh.. not long after I got it in there. I didn't try to talk, tried giving it food but it tried scratching me so I didn't try again."

"That's good thinking." Henrik rubs his chin. "What now.. We should talk with it, but I'm not sure what else we could do about this."

Jackie nods and glances at the door to the room it's in. He wonders why it showed up.. and how?

"I want to talk to it again."

"I'll be with you."

In the dark corner, it stirs slightly. It hears the two talk through the walls, it hears everything. It smirks, though no one can see. The creature had been listening and waiting, letting the fall of humans guide it to its goal..

The door to the room opens, letting in additional light that makes it slink back into the corner even more. Funny thing about humans, so quick to assume..

"Hello again, you up to chatting?" Henrik starts the conversation, walking into the room and staying a comfortable distance away. The creature looks at him.

"Yes."

"Wonderful. What are you?"

It gurgles before giving an answer. "Anti."

"Is Anti a species?" He raises a brow, not sure if its playing with him. It is. It so is playing with the doctor because it shakes its head no.

"Well.. then vhat are you?"

A giggle. Then a tilt of the head.

"I'll move to a different question then," Henrik gets the idea that Anti will be stubborn, especially for certain questions. "Are you here for harm?"

"No. Just here."

"Here for vhat?"

"Existing. Exploring.." It trails off.

"New here?" Henrik smiles, being as gentle and friendly a presence he can be. It shakes its head before continuing.

"I've been here before."

Henrik tilts his head and raises a brow. "Oh, that's good. Where have you been?"

It smiles wide.

"Here."

Here? This sends a shiver down Henrik's spine. Here, like this house? When-?

"This house- you mean?"

A simple nod is all it takes to make Henrik's heart pound, and all the very limited color in his face disappear. "Oh- that's nice.." His throat feels dry. "H-how long? Ago, I mean. How long ago did you visit?"

"Which time?"

"Zhe first-" Henrik glances away, not sure if this is still safe. Oh, what am I thinking- This isn't safe at all! The light is the only thing we have right now- His hands fiddle with the fabric of his pockets.

"Years. Forgot the number."

Henrik swallows dryly, and glances to Jackie- who heads over and grabs Henrik's shoulder.

"Excuse us, we'll talk later Anti." With that, Jackie takes Henrik out of the room.

Once away from the thing Henrik starts shaking his hands in repetitive motions.

"Years?!- Jackie, how-" He visibly distresses, rocking back and forth on his feet. "How did we never see? Vhat has it done here? Oh God-"

"Henrik, hey bud. You're okay.." He speaks gently, watching the doctor and refraining from touching him. It's never a good idea to touch Henrik when he's panicked unless asked.

"Am I?!" He looks back at Jackie, shaking one hand spastically. He blinks and takes in a breath. "Sorry Jackie.. I didn't mean to yell."

Jackie smiles gently, understanding. "Its alright. This guy is unnerving, definitely creepy." He rubs the back of his neck.

Henrik nods, continuing to move and get his worries out. "Yeah, yes. I don't like how it's been here, before. Before."

"Mhm. It doesn't help that it isn't answering easily."

"That's the worst part." Henrik mutters.

"I agree.."

Henrik shakes his hands more before settling. "Alright.. we need to get through this. Now." He looks to Jackie before going back to the door with Jackie following.

"You got this, I'm right there with you Hen."

"Thanks, we'll-" Henrik shakes and freezes in the doorway. "Where is it? Jackie? Jackie it's not there-" His voice raises with fear.

"What?" Jackie looks in the room. "Hen, its okay- I'm right herAh-!"

Henrik blinked and everything changed. An instant change, that thing was gone. Where is Jackie? He turned back to see and is set into an adrenaline rush.

The walls. He finally saw what has happened. Oh god the walls, it's all sickly and dark and is that Jackie's leg in the ceiling-

"Jackie!" Henrik reaches for his leg, trying to bring him back down. The thing must've grabbed him from the thick substances coating what seems like everywhere- oh where did it go?!

Jackie's leg slowly becomes legs and then torso and thank fuck- he's breathing, barely but it's there. He coughs and weakly grabs at Henrik, thick globs of dark essence falls and spills out of his mouth and ears.

Henrik stares wide eyed at Jackie as he holds him before trying to guide him out of the hellish room. "Jackie- keep, keep coughing. Get that out-" He tugs him along, slipping but still standing. His heart pounds as he feet try to keep him moving.

"Try- gahhr-chh-" Jackie shakes with the amount of force in each cough. Weakly clinging to Henrik's guidance.

"Keep coughing-" Henrik stops, shaking more at the sight.

It's everywhere now, for sure.. If Henrik didn't have fantastic memory he wouldn't be able to tell you the color of the walls or where any pictures are on the wall. The floor is coated, and moving? Its moving, rippling and pulsing.

"Jackie- we have to go.." His words tremble and he rushes himself and Jackie into the hallway.

It's so heavy.. thick and dark. Is that giggling? Breathing? Maddening.

"C'mon- don't let go okay?" Henrik is stressed and trying his best, worried about the amount that's still spilling out of Jackie's mouth.

Thick globs drop from the ceiling, coating the floor below and near creating a wall to the outside.

But, the two manage to get outside. Henrik wants to go further but Jackie's coughing urges him to stop and tend to his friend.

"Jackie, cough as hard as you can." Henrik sets him down on the lawn and places a hand on his back. Trying to help get the weird thing out of him.

Jackie whimpers and nods, his throat feeling dry and slimy at the same time. "Hggrh-" He coughs hard and a slimy hard thing falls onto the ground. "Hhhh- ghhod." He coughs more and stares at the thing. The thing slowly melts onto the ground.

Henrik pats his back. "I've.. I got you-"

"I," His voice rasps, finally having a clear throat but it's extremely dry. "I can breathe.. now.." He keeps his eyes set on the thing, watching it.

"Good, that's good.. let's, can you get up? I don't want to be here-"

"No.. we cant let it get out. Imagine the.. the panic." He rasps, giving Henrik a look that could only mean he's wanting to be heroic.

"Jackie! We've got to wait or something-" He pleads, glancing at the house. Not wanting to think about what is inside. Growing.

"But- It could escape!" Jackie looks at Henrik.

"Ve should call, Jackie! No.. no heroing." Henrik pleads, shaking. "Please."

Jackie looks at him for a few moment before nodding. "Okay.. I won't Hen. I promise."

"Thank you" His voice cracks and he hugs Jackie, momentarily ignoring the weird substance and how it coats his clothing and skin.

Jackie only nods in response, patting Henrik's back. "We need to call- who?" He asks quietly.

"I don't know.." He shrugs, keeping close to Jackie. All that matters for the moment is Jackie can breathe and they both got out.

Out.

---------------

"Marvin, ve- no, don't! Ve just need ozhers to deal vith it. Not us! Marvin, please." He pleads on the phone with Marvin. Henrik is trying to explain to the others that the house is not safe.

"No- I don't want you to risk that! Marvin!"

A hand settles on Henrik's shoulder and grips gently, Jackie trying to calm him down.

"Henrik-"

"He's not listening!" Henrik's voice only raises in pitch and stress.

"I know I know, let me talk to him.." Jackie says comfortingly, gently guiding the phone into his own hand. "Alright Marvin. . ."

Henrik listens to them both talk before glancing at the house, yet again. It looks so peaceful. Like nothing is wrong. How wrong that is. Well, is that wrong? Maybe it's all better. He's been under quite a lot of stress.. might be seeing things.

Without fully connecting how he got there, he feels the cool metal of the door handle in his hand.

"Wha-" Henrik blinks and backs away quickly, ripping his hand off the handle. "Jackie!"

"Hm, oh!" Jackie rushes over and pulls Henrik close. "What are you doing?" He looks worriedly at Henrik. The doctor is disturbed.

"I.. I don't know!" Henrik looks to Jackie. "I don't remember getting here." He whimpers, letting himself get pulled away by Jackie.

"Its okay, breathe.." Jackie mutters soothingly. "Let's go back over here and wait for the police."

Henrik nods, watching the house. He swears the whole place flickers.

---------------

This better not be some crackhead call or prank. The police officer pulls up to the house, looking over the two people looking like an actual mess. He sighs before getting out.

"Alrighty you two, I don't want to deal with nonsense shit." He walks over to the others.

Henrik and Jackie look over, ready to hear the cop call them all sorts of names.

"We aren't joking, sir." Jackie starts, his throat cleared up a bit more from waiting. "It's dangerous inside and Henrik doesn't want me to deal with it."

The police officer shakes his head in disbelief. "I'll just go look before I bring you two in." He walks over to the door.

Henrik's eyes widen. "Wait-" He holds a hand out. "It's not safe!" Jackie holds him back.

The cop looks back and raises a brow. "Sure thing buddy." He grabs the door handle and opens it. He whistles at the sight. "Lot of work you put into this fellas." He mutters before pulling his flashlight out and turning it on to see inside.

The sound of loud maniacal cackling fills Jackie and Henrik's heads. Taunting.

"Wait, you think we're pranking you?" Jackie calls out. "Don't go inside yet!"

The cop doesn't answer and goes inside.

The door shuts behind him.

Those cackles leave their heads and fills the air.

Jackie stares at the door with a panicked expression. "Oh no. No- We have to go in now Hen!" He moves to go after the cop, getting to the door and tugging the handle.

Locked.

Henrik chases after Jackie. "Hey! Jackie wait, no!" He sees that Jackie has not entered yet, meaning the door is locked which spikes more panic. "Oh no.."

"He's locked in there- I have to get him out!" Jackie moves back from the door and kicks by the handle with his heel. Easily breaking through the wood with his strength and mighty kick. Scrambling, he pulls his foot back and reaches through to the other side. He unlocks the door but before he can go in, Henrik's hand begs him to stay.

"Henrik, I have to help him."

Henrik stares, muttering and stopping himself. Unable to think clearly. He doesn't want Jackie hurt but there is a man in trouble!

"Henrik, I'll be okay."  He says gently, grabbing and holding Henrik's hand to reassure him. With a gentle squeeze, he swings the door open to face the hell within.

----------------

You can find this and a soon-to-be-extended story of this, and more at my wattpad, @actualwheat ! Thanks for reading! :D

[troop52]

do u !!! have any character theme songs for the troop boys? Like any songs you think really fits them (and why u think it fits)?

THATS A GREAT QUESTION!!

Before I get into it Im going to plug this collaborative Troop Playlist on Spotify, feel free to add onto it!! Continuing with my picks

I think a lot of the songs I associate with The Troop in general are just because I happened to listen to them around the same time I got into the book in the first place (So they could only be tangentially related BUT only if you squint hard) Example: Drunk by The Living Tombstone, cant really tie it into the story but in my mind its linked Some better, more fitting songs under the cut (Side note its LONGGG IM SORRY... Also its all YouTube links because some of these arent on Spotify :'^()

Disclaimer -Like 95% of my choices arent really a "These lyrics match up exactly 1 to 1" but more of an overall "the vibe/general idea its trying to capture lines up" type thing. If that makes sense.

Its Alright by Jack Stauber: Kind of self explanatory, I think its a perfect song for these guys. From "It's alright, I'm here, Everything's alright, Feels weird but calm, I wanna hear It's alright" to the whole sound of it- its all great. Equal parts distressing and sad with an almost eerie calmness to it. Despite it all theyre gonna be alright, right?

The Second Little Piggy by Worthikids: Another one that I think is sort of self explanatory- at least with the chorus. "If my brain turns to mush, If the shit hits the fan, Will you be my friend?" Kind of the falling apart of everything, specifically their relationships, in light of the incident.

Poor George by James Supercave: Another case of "listened to at the same time I read the book" BUT I was actually making a Troop PMV script with that song. I never finished it but maybe Ill revisit it... just for you

Cold Summer by Le Matos ft Computer Magic: I dont even think this takes place in the summer but the VIBES and also it came from Summer of 84, which is another good piece of murder boy media.

Treehouse by Alex G ft Emily Yacina: This is a Eef and Max type of song because they are bffs and thats final. Basic song because Im not creative, but I think its a nice heart to heart theyd have (with Eef doing the talking)

Fifteen Minuets by Nick Krol: On the flipside heres a song that goes with Eef and Maxs friendship fracturing, once again more from Eefs side than Maxs. THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGG

As far as songs for the boys as individuals hmmm thats a good one that I havent thought about as much...

MAX + The Ghosts by The Real Tuesday Weld: That survivors guilt... lyrics arent like a perfect match but I think it gets that sort of hollow feeling across. Hes haunted man... + Final Girl by Electric Youth: Ok its a little funny because har har Final Girl Trope but I mean HE IS ONE. ANd dont look at me its a nice song- "Others were gone, and you kept going on, You know they never really noticed, you were always different, One by one, They're all done, And you're the last one standing" + Going Grazy by Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks: HONESTLY this could go for all the characters but Im tagging it onto Max because hes the one who has to deal with the aftermath of losing everyone (sorry survivors guilt Max again </3) "Everyone's saying my mind is unsound, 'Cause I always see you when you aren't around" "They're gonna wrap me in a jacket of white, And lock me away in a room without light" is what cements it as a Max song for me

EEF + The Existential Threat by Sparks: Once again starting sad, I link this one specifically to his paranoia about the worms- especially with lines like "Can't they see the existential threat is on its way". Kind of exasperated no one else can see the danger (he thinks) hes in. + Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: I know I know its basic but I cant help it!!! Eef anger issues arc we are shaking hands me too + Haunted by Laura Les: Eef struggles with people seeing him as "just like his father" and I think we can get some good angst out of this track if we keep that in mind. Especially the back half of the song with lyrics like "Do you think I'm frightening?" and "Mirrors shatter when I'm passing, broken glass and crashing" since he is just a reflection of his dad (to others at least). Also song good.

KENT + Goodbye Mr A by The Hoosiers: Mfw the disillusionment with authority sets in. I think the vibe fits when he had that little epiphany about how adults are fucked- not perfect but it gets the idea across me thinks. + I'm Gonna Win by Rob Cantor: Ties into his need to "win" aka be the best at everything, be in charge, all that jazz! Hell do whatever it takes to be successful, even if it hurts. That was a little emo + Toba the Tura by Forgive Durden ft Chris Conley: Not to be emo again but "They say you're gifted, well I just see a scared kid. They must have flipped it, your skills are latent. O, you snuffed the glow. Replaced it with coals. Threw away the throne... This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot" AND SO ON AND SO FOURTH representing his fall after it was revealed he was sick. He was referred to as "the uncrowned king" and was on top of the world but then POOF that all crumbled and it was made out that he basically deserved what happened to him. It would be fun to make a pmv of him with this song (Simplifying my thoughts a bit because Ive already written a LOT)

NEWT + I Earn My Life by Lemon Demon: Ok a little Kentcore but Im actually having a hard time coming up with songs for Newton so here we are, they can share. Newt existential crisis moment time I guess + Know How by The Crane Wives: POV Newt struggles with going through with the plans he makes to keep everyone safe (stopping Max from touching Kent, going back into the cabin, etc) "I am not brave, I am not brave, I keep my focus on what is safe, You drew a line, made up your mind, And now I'm struggling to realize" And also maybe struggling with his place in the group and as a person in general- all that living through his cousin thing. "I gotta wrap my head around, What my heart is telling me, I've been trying to drown it out, Just because I know what I am, I am supposed to do now, Doesn't mean I know, Doesn't mean I know how" + On The Outside by Oingo Boingo: Idk man. Hes on the outside lookin in!! Loner nerd!! Its ok though, we still love him

SHEL + Bad Blood by Creature Feature: The lyrics speak for themselves: "I can guarantee I will do evil things, The only way that you can stop me now, Is if you put me in the ground, Somewhere I'll never be found" + Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches: Hinges on the fact that the principal or whoever was like "Your sons a freak" and Shels mom was like "HES PERFECTLY FINE" while Shelley was like dismembering an animal or something + Johnny by American Murder Song: The songs good but theres this ONE LYRIC that sucks so the link provided is an edited version and also a lovely Warriors oc video I think you should all enjoy and support <3 Anyway Shel would be Johnny I could see this song being a scene in the book. Field trip to Shels house and they find his murder garden

If anyone wants more for Im not opposed to making another post :^)

[fenweak]

High School AUs

College/University AUs

⭐ A+ fics (imho) | All of the recs

High School AUs

High Scores by popfly ⭐

Kaner is a DDR master, Jonny is ultra-competitive. Bollig just wants to make out with Shawzy.

Dynamical Systems by jezziejay ⭐ - math geek patrick! jock jonny!

Jonny’s plenty smart, but there’s hockey practice just before a double math period every Tuesday and Wednesday morning. He gets to class on time. Physically, he’s there. But his mind is still on the ice. Throw in a kidney infection that keeps him home for two weeks, and Jonny’s struggling. Not failing, but that C is dragging his GPA down, and his mom is making clucking noises. The same noises that mean hockey time is coming up for review.

There’s a note on the student boards advertising tutoring.

promise i'm worthy (to hold in your arms) [One and Only series] - teenage angst and american douchebags ft. ryan kesler

"So come on and give me a chance to prove I am the one who can walk that mile."

love is a contact sport by hazel, mermaid  ⭐ - high school soulmates!

"And the tragic reality of Patrick's life is that even though they broke up over a year ago, he and Johnny still play beautiful hockey together."

A high school AU, featuring dream-fish, bad movie dates, and a little bit of magic.

Movie Nights or Five Times Jonny Wanted Popcorn (and One Time He Didn’t) by CoffeeKristin

Patrick had only been working at the movie theater a few weeks when a noisy bunch of boys from his high school burst through the doors just before the last showing of Captain America: Civil War and come tumbling into the lobby, whooping it up. He sighed and put down the containers of popcorn he was counting, mentally preparing himself for the asshattery he was likely to endure.

“What can I get you?” he asked the crowd, and true to form, no one was listening so he waited another moment. Finally one of the boys got pushed to the front, stumbling into the counter. “Fuck, Duncs, not so hard,” he said, and oh. That was Jonathan Toews: Captain of the high school soccer team, president of the student council, son of the mayor. Basically, everything Patrick wasn’t.

do it how you want it done ⭐

(very vaguely) grease-inspired high school au.

yeah, i went there.

kissing your honeyed eyes by forochel

The one that's the British boarding school AU.

This Is What A Love Song Sounds Like by fourfreedoms  ⭐ - reunion fic but god the flashbacks! the angst!

When he came out after his freshman year of college his mother said she’d always known, and he’d had to fight down the bizarre wave of paranoia that maybe everybody knew, maybe they’d all just been letting him sweat all those years. It was crazy of course, there was only one person who’d known, who had any idea.Patrick Kane.

Ten years after they fucked around in high school, Patrick and Jonny meet back up at their high school reunion.

roll with it by hazel  ⭐

The one where a bunch of Blackhawks inexplicably go to boarding school, Tazer is the world's meanest DM, and Pat doesn't know why anyone would think cutting the head off a hydra was good idea.

Light Me Up by sahiya - where they both went to Shattuck!

Being serious about hockey always meant Patrick would have to leave home. For a long time he thought it would be for juniors and a billet family. But things don't go as planned, and he finds himself at Shattuck-St. Mary's.

His roommate's name is Jonathan Toews. He can't keep his water bottles on his side of the room, and he's unfortunately, stupidly hot. Because Patrick's life sucks.

boot theory by mentalistecbm - teen angst, break up

Everyone knows that they're broken up.

glory days by liketheroad ⭐ - soulmate, teen angst

He never expected his destiny to involve anything but hockey, never thought it would show up in flip flops, but when Patrick smiles at him across the locker room, quick and surprised, Johnny lets his priorities shift and change without a hint of reluctance or regret.

There's Only Blood Running In My Veins by mikarala - pwp

Patrick and Jonny are making out in Patrick’s bedroom when Jonny says it. “I--I,” he stutters out, in between a moan, “I want you to fuck me.”

Gold Seeking Ends by liveinfury - Flipped AU

“Wanna go on the tire swing with me after?” Jonny asks.

“No,” Patrick answers.

“Oh,” Jonny says, looking deflated. “What about the jungle gym?”

“Nope."

“Um, okay,” Jonny says, shrugging before walking away.Sam giggles some more. “I can’t believe Jonny, the dirt eater, likes you.”Patrick smirks at him. “Everyone likes me.”

(or Patrick and Jonny meet in the second grade. Jonny's instantly smitten, Patrick is...not. Ten years later, things start flipping.)

Keep Calm and Don't Think of Star Wars podfic by exmanhater ⭐ - A Clueless AU

After I once again assure Abby that Johnny and I are not, NOT related (by googling the difference between half-brother and stepbrother because jesus fucking christ am I am the only knowledgeable one around here?), she agrees to help.

but i can write a song 

“We’re not going to be called Jonny and the Patricks,” Jonny says, sounding entirely too put upon  about a name that’s clearly awesome.

[or; the high school band au you probably didn't ask for]

lost in brightness - pat, jon and a crowded train

“You’re gonna get caught one day,” Jonny sighs, herding Pat in front of him as they squeeze onto  the train, the crowd thicker than usual. It’s been raining on and off, fall well and truly taking the city in  its grasp. Jonny’s already looking forward to meeting Pat by his house every morning, red-cheeked  and rugged up, his face barely visible between his toque and scarf.

you're mending what's broken - a stats nerd Patrick story

The guy who sits behind Jonny in AP Stats wants to know how  many shots on goal he had last Tuesday. Or at least, that's how it starts.

A high school AU featuring stats nerd Kaner and his Tragic Hockey  Backstory (TM), without much time or inclination toward actual tragedy. Instead there is  discussion of Corsi. And kissing.

Examine Other Beauties by kiwoa - theater kids!

"I," Jonny says, and he slips his headset up from around his neck to nestle over his ears, "am not an actor."

"Good thing I don't need you to act."

"No."

"Jonny."

"Patrick."

"Please?" Kaner cants forward and tilts his face up to blink at Jonny. In the fluttering light that filters in from the stage, his eyes look unnaturally pale. "Just read the lines, okay? I want to see how well I've memorized them."

Jonny scrubs a hand over his face. The motion knocks his mike askew. "One scene."

A/S/L  ⭐ - 90s teenaged kids meeting on webcam omg

The internet is a dangerous place, or:

Patrick and Jonny meet, lie through their teeth, and fall in love. Mostly that last part.

Actual Prom King Brandon Saad by popfly  ⭐

Patrick might be a little jealous of the new kid.

Sure Brandon is basically the prom king from every feel-good teenage movie Patrick’s sisters have made him watch, but that doesn’t mean Jonny wants that.

Sign it with your heart by tictactoews + podfic by exmanhater  ⭐

Patrick loses a bet and is dared to plant an anonymous love letter into a random locker. It just so happens that the locker belongs to one Jonathan Toews, captain of the school hockey team.Meanwhile, Jonny finds himself in need of a math tutor, and following the advice of his teacher, he asks the new kid, Patrick Kane, for help.

a complicated kindness by liketheroad - young and figuring out d/s  ⭐

Patrick still remembers how scared Sharpy looked, just for a second there. He remembers not understanding why anyone would back away from Johnny when he was like that, why they wouldn’t want to strain closer, pushing to see how much further he’d go.

What Comes Easy by impertinence - summer camp of angst

Kaner's determined to never grow up; Tazer's determined to grow up as quickly as possible. Over eleven years of summer camp, they learn to meet in the middle. Set in stlkrchk's Camp Quaquanantuck universe.

mathletes are totally athletes by ukiyo91, yukonecho

Mathlete Patrick Kane never thought that when he was assigned to tutor hockey jock Jonathan Toews that he would be swept up into a new sport...or into Captain Serious.

Toews was like the guild leader Patrick had always aspired to be in WoW, but more of an asshole.

i'll be the embrace that keeps you warm by longtime_lurker - huddling for warmth

It is like death, but it is not death; lovelier. / Cold, inconvenienced, late, what will you do now / with the gift of your left life?

Clumsy by CoffeeKristin - a short first kiss fic uwu

“Knock it off,” she hissed at him. “He’s looking at you!”

“Who?” Patrick said, his head swiveling around, resulting in Erica smacking him again. “Hey! Quit hitting me!”

“Then quit being an idiot,” she huffed. “Jonny Toews, you dunce. He’s looking over here, and you’re biting on the string of your hoodie like a moron.”

look around once in a while by achilleees

One man’s struggle to take it easy.

Based off of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” but instead of girlfriends and daddy issues, there’s hockey and pining. And daddy issues.

Summer Lovin' by CoffeeKristin - est. relationship insecurities

Patrick's home from summer camp, and Jonny's first on his list of to-do's. Somehow a little actual angst/plot worked it's way in. But mostly it's just porn.

Ninety-Nine Point Three Percent by jimtiberiuskirk - best friends mutually pining

The problem is, is that Patrick is 99.3% sure that Jonny knows all about his giant, embarrassing man-crush on him.

bring it if you really want it by staraflur - harry potter AU

It starts like this:

Well, okay, Patrick has no idea how it actually starts. But as pertains to him (in other words, the important part), it goes a little something like so:

America, being a nation composed in large part of a melting pot of immigrants who may or may not have taken over land already owned by others using less-than-savory means, doesn’t have much of a magical national identity. Much less a magical continental identity. There’s no grand heritage going back thousands of years. Magical families home-schooled all their kids until, like, the 1800’s, and tough for the muggle-born, apparently. Hopefully you got noticed by someone who knew what to do with you before you got burned at the stake. Since you probably can’t control your powers, sport.

(if you're feeling down) i can feel you up by hawkeytime

"Hey," Patrick said appreciatively from behind where Jonny stood, stoic as always, by the side of the pool. "Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a sweet ass.”Or: How Patrick Kane spent his summer hitting on the hot lifeguard with the help of some inspired (read: awful) pickup lines.

kiss and tell by hawkeytime 

“Trust me,” Sharpy says, “this will be good for you.”And then, he shoves Jonny into what appears to be a mostly empty coat closet and slams the door shut behind him.

“What the fuck, Sharp!” Jonny calls, pounding at the door which is, of course, locked.

“Enjoy your seven minutes in heaven, Tazer,” Sharpy singsongs.Then, the bare bulb mounted on the ceiling flares to life, illuminating one Patrick Kane.

Fuck.

i know you are (but what am i) by booktubelover7 - always a girl!pat

Pat throws up her arms in celebration after Toews makes a beautiful goal off of Pat’s assist. She crows in celebration as Toews slams into her, shouting in her ear.

Pat’s playing, she’s playing, she’s playing. Not just that, but she’s winning too.When her line gets back to the bench, Pat leans over to speak into Toews’ ear. “Thank you,” she says. Her teammate just turns his head to look at her, a grin spreading across his face.

Love or Torture - a/b/o

Patrick Kane is too short, too Omega, and his heat too delayed for him to play hockey. Jonathan Toews has a plan to bring glory to both of them.

keep buying the stars by medusacascade22- teacher!Jonny 

“Fuck,” Jonny groans. He props his elbows up on his desk and lets his head fall into his hands. It’s going to be a long fucking year.

(or, in which Jonathan Toews is Patrick Kane's teacher, and shit gets real.)

College/Uni AUs

cello suite no. 1 - THIS IS ONE IS A CLASSIC 👌

The first time Jonathan meets Patrick Kane is because he hits him with a lacrosse ball.

In Jonathan's defense, he threw a perfect pass to Seabs, who failed to just reach the one or two feet above his head to catch it.

"Oh shit," Jonathan says when he watched the ball arc across the lawn and whack a blond kid squarely between his shoulder blades.

"Heads up!" he calls belatedly.

this is how we do it series by staraflur ⭐ - frat bros AU!!!

He doesn’t think Zeus is supposed to have a sword, but their Zeus does. So now Jonny does, because of course he’s in charge. He looks, Patrick is drunk enough to acknowledge, far better than anyone has a right to in a grody old Halloween costume that’s probably soaked up the butt sweat of dozens, if not hundreds, of Theta-presidents past. Jonny wears it, Patrick gets the sword. Win-win.

AKA that time there was a frat AU (of course).

This Heart Is Not For Wasting by fourfreedoms - oblivious best friends

Patrick puts his head in his hands. “How could this get any worse?”

“Wait, it’s not like, a big deal is it?” Duncs asks, looking at him and Jonny in turn. “The way you and Jonny are weird about each other? She’s gotta have made her peace with it ages ago.”

A college AU.

love song for love songs by boodreaus  ⭐ - angst, internalized homophobia

“Right,” Jonny says. “Cool.” He seems to hesitate, pausing when Patrick goes for the door handle, and then, right as Patrick’s bracing himself to run for the house, Jonny says, “You should come.”

Patrick turns back at him and is handed a piece of paper. “To our next show, I mean,” Jonny is saying as Patrick examines what turns out to be a flyer, thick black lettering taking up every square inch of space on the brilliant sunshine-colored surface. “It’s tomorrow night, at the showcase. Feel free to say yes or no or whatever. If you don’t know, it’s cool.”

“I’ll,” Patrick starts, and then stops, blinking up at him. Jonny’s just watching him, kind of, elbow resting on the steering wheel. “Maybe,” he finally says, and Jonny smiles.

yet we will make him run - some more angst, except more erudite

Kaner the English Lit major AU.

Sigma Chi series by hatrickane - frat bros hook up and then angst about it

Jonny and Patrick run into each other at a frat party. Patrick proposes a way to pass the time.

Can't Wait by LouLa - first time pwp

Pat's on a hair trigger.

when you flex like that - hookup in a frat party

Johnny isn’t drunk, but he does let Sharpy and a couple of frat-looking guys he doesn’t even know talk him into a contest of shots. It’s Sharpy’s fault — he appeals to the competitive side he knows Johnny can’t let go of at the best of times, and one of the guys, blonde curls, a lazy smirk of a grin, picks up on it pretty fast too.

Hope you don't mind by haroldslouis

“Oh, sorry, man,” the guy says, giving him a quick grin. “Thought you were someone else.” He taps the visor of Patrick’s snapback and just like that, he turns around and disappears into the crowd.Patrick doesn’t know how long he stands there, just looking at the general direction he disappeared in.

or, 5 times Jonny mistook Patrick for someone else + 1 time he definitely didn't

Room 4 Rent

Patrick stares at the ad for a while, clicking back and forth between the Craigslist page and his  fantasy hockey league, chewing on his bottom lip.

3 bedroom apartment near Loyola. One room available, others occupied by two male students.  Shared living room and kitchen. Two bathrooms. Rent split three ways. Email tazer19@gmail.com  or call 773-639-7812 for more info. No texts please.

are you buying what i'm selling? - frat party buddies

The Sigma Chi Halloween Bash is in a week, Jonny’s holding two tickets, and he has nobody to go with.

He had a somebody to go with, until that somebody decided Jonny’s student athlete life wasn’t worth  hanging around for. Their relationship was already tanking anyway; Jonny’s more upset about  potentially wasting a $40 ticket than that shit ending. Whatever.

Just A Spark by heartstrings  ⭐ - magical realism!

In a desperate attempt to hide his feelings from the object of his affections, Patrick accidentally drinks a love potion that causes the people around him to fall for him. Too bad it seems to work on everyone but Jonny.

do you know who you are? by liveinfury - frat bros

“Sure, Cap. I’ll try to keep it quiet.” Patrick winks at Jonny. ���But be honest, you like the noises I make, huh?”

“What? Of course not!" Jonny sputters. "I’m not gay!”

(or where Jonny can't figure out why he feels so uneasy when Patrick brings guys home to their frat house).

The Great Desk Assembly Project - they were roommates

“I’m going to nail some shit,” he says. “Jonny, come watch me nail some shit.”

“We share a room, I don’t need to watch you nail anything else.”

“That’s not what you were saying last night,” Pat says with a laugh in his voice. He reaches back  behind him and punches Jonny in the shoulder for good measure.

No, It's Not A Secret by SimoneClouseau ⭐ - always a girl Jonny 

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your boyfriend. No way, no way. I think you need a new one.

Jehanne Toews is dating a loser. Sometimes it takes a ridiculous awesome young star on the Blackhawks to see the light.

good form - always a girl Pat!  ⭐ 

“Best head of your life?”

“Yes, he was better than you, you competitive motherfucker.” Hayds says it like it’s a joke, like it’s funny, like it’s not the single most devastating thing a girl could say to Pat.

“A hockey bro gave you the best head of your goddamn life? Am I in the fucking Upside Down?”

“Believe it, baby. Jonathan Toews: hockey bro and magical pussy-eating wizard.”

forever i'll try for you and i by staraflur - always girls Jon and Pat!

It’s extra great—whenever Jo’s losing, she always makes like their running point tally competition isn’t real. Tonight’s true to form: when Trish holds up three fingers and points at herself, then two before pointing at Jo, Jo actually scoffs as she pokes at a couple chicken breasts with the tongs, trying to find the best one.

remedial at love - jonny ‘i'm great at math but the math tutor's really hot so i'm gonna pretend i'm not' toews

There have been a lot of things Kaner’s done that could be considered suspect. He chose the  Backstreet Boys over Nsync for the Kane Dance-Off Championship when he was 15. He opted to go  to Disneyland instead of Disney World for his high school graduation present. He frosted his tips after  coming out in 12th grade because he thought that was like, the obvious thing to do until he realized  this was not, in actuality, the 90s.

But this one. Calling up ‘Jtoews’ and requesting tutelage in math when he was a fucking wiz at math  was -- the most highly suspect of all.

Drink yourself under, fuck yourself over by Mythisea

Jonathan Toews is the sophomore captain of the college hockey team. Patrick Kane recently quit hockey before coming to college.

Jonny thinks Patrick would be perfect on his wing. Patrick would rather be drinking. Jonny does not approve.

Make The Moves Up As I Go by agirlnamedfia - tutor!Jonny with a dash of angst and pining

Patrick has his first Econ 202 class on the second day of the spring semester. It doesn’t exactly go well.

how to make boys-next-door out of assholes series by bessyboo, thisissirius - textfic

Yo man, Sharpy's having a party tonight. You up for it or you gonna be a boring shit and study???

it's only you and me by crystaljules - graduation blues

"We're so fucking stupid."

Overdosed on Confidence by runphoebe ⭐ - fwb, internalized homophobia

“Someone could -,” Jonny starts, breaking off when Patrick ducks down to draw Jonny’s lips against his, kissing him fever-hot and wet and desperate. Jonny’d be embarrassed by how hungrily he responds, but he knows Pat’s into it, moaning unashamedly into Jonny’s mouth when he tightens a hand around Pat’s neck. “Someone could see,” he finally gets out, voice rough, when Patrick pulls back, as if Patrick’s supposed to believe that that’s any sort of protest.

Patrick licks his lips, the hint of a smirk playing at the corners of them in that familiar way like when Patrick's got a particularly bad idea on his mind. “Guess you better be quick then, huh?” he says cryptically, waggling his eyebrows at Jonny. Jonny’s a second away from rolling his eyes and asking what he means when Patrick slithers off Jonny’s lap and onto his knees on the floor beneath Jonny’s table and - oh. Oh.

Silence Gives You Space by liveinfury - pining, misunderstandings

“Have you been avoiding me?”

“’Course not,” Patrick says. “I’m just letting you do your own thing.”

“My own thing?”

“Yeah, didn’t want to crowd your space,” Patrick blurts out. Fuck, he didn’t mean to actually say that.“You’re not…”

“Cool.”

tuck you in - getting together

“You sexiled again?" He smirks and stuffs down the fondness that rolls  through him at theway Jonny’s hair is rumpled and a little bit wavy.

Jonny sits up slowly, groaning. “Yeah. Fuck, this is the third time in a week  and a half.”

obvious from the start - radio DJs Pat and Jon!

It’s not like Patrick even likes radio, because he hasn’t really listened to  anything that’s not on his iPod or his Pandora stations in years, but when he notices the red and  white flyer advertising the student radio station on the ground, he picks it up with the  excuse that he’s trying to be environmentally friendly.When he played hockey they told Patrick that he was too small, too short to  be a hockeyplayer; that he’d never make it because of his size. Hockey is, was, his heart  and soul, and he’d put years and years of his life into the one thing he knew he was good  at; threw his very being into the best he could be to prove that he can do it, be the best,  even if he was small.

Patrick supposes maybe he'll find something else that he’s just as good at.

stupid college boys series by 19trash88 - Jonny is the cute guy from Econ class

Patrick’s not one to wax poetic about a penis, but if ever there was a reason to, Jonathan Toews’ cock would be at the top of the list.

Green Light by heartstrings - friends to lovers

Patrick knows two things: he likes sex and he likes Jonny. If Jonny's newly single there's no reason not to combine the two. Right?

Everybody Wants to Touch Some(body Paragraphs) by Kerfluffle  ⭐

Wherein Jonny writes the worst essay ever, and weirdness abounds.

Motivation by somethingnerdythiswaycomes  ⭐ - pwp

Only Jonny could keep working on his LIT-110 paper while Patrick was getting himself off next to him. Fuck, but Patrick loved him so much.

Muse series by by somethingnerdythiswaycomes

So Jonny had applied for every damn job he was qualified for, even the "life model" one TJ goaded him into.So Jonny had received an email the next day asking for his availability to come in for a session.So, as it turned out, it wasn’t some random chick that was going to draw him. It was some random dude.

So "life model" apparently meant "nude model."

You Love Me, I Love You Harder So by leyley09 - overly competitive boys on the hockey team

Patrick circles around him at center ice. “Jonathan, my team is going to kick your team’s ass so hard your parents will be embarrassed without even knowing why.”“I’m gonna give you a lesson in goal scoring you’ll never forget.”“Toews, you couldn’t give me a lesson in long distance spitting. Anything you can do, I can do better.”“Oh yeah?”“I can do anything better than you.”

Jonathan Toews is used to be being the best. He has zero clue what to do with competition.

Especially when the competition is cute.

middle ground by boodreaus - college road trip, friends to lovers

Jonny, Patrick, and an excellent adventure.

Who Knew by themistrollsin

Jonathan and Patrick meet after they're forced to go to a party by their best friends (Adam and Brent respectively).

Night Moves by heartstrings - meetcute

After a series of unfortunate drunk events that lead him from falling into a snowbank to being laughed at by the police, Jonny meets Patrick in an elevator.

Ignite My Fire, Object Of My Desire by ThalassicThedes ⭐- theater boys!!!

A good ol' fashioned College Au in which the college itself is hardly even mentioned. Just... make of this what you will.

absolute beginners by heartstrings, thundersquall

That time Jonny walked into a diner and accidentally got himself a temporary fake boyfriend.

Like A Classic - royalty!Jonny

So: due to a series of complicated and improbable events involving some sort of life debt and signed promise from two generations ago, it was decreed that Patrick had to marry the Crown Prince of Canada.

Captain Oblivious by wantstothrill - royalty!Pat

Why would Jonny care about the American royal family visiting his university? He's Canadian. He hasn't paid any attention to Prince Patrick since he was a teenager. He's more concerned with the very hot guy he's just run into, who's name also happens to be Patrick. What a coincidence.

+

check out the high school AUs tag aaand the college AUs tag @ 1988rebloggedfic!

[comradelionheart]

This is where I feel safest.

In the blueness of this site, held in comfort as if under my blanket of soft fur.

No one here will ever know who I am or the people I speak of. No one can find me here. I have a questionable habit of running off to avoid being witnessed when I fail or am in pain, and this is where I run to. It is luckily not a boy this time. Well, it’s sort of that too, but not predominantly.

I haven’t shut G out this time. When I thought I’d lost my shot at the job I deleted my WhatsApp and all other social media, and refused to surface until I was willing to face people again. This isn’t unlike when I graduated college uncertain of what to do with life next and just... vanished. I’d a pretty promising presence on Facebook that could potentially have introduced him and I sooner, but I guess life unravels at its own pace and nothing can force it to go sooner or slower. I’ve grown rather accepting of failures because I have unfortunately grown accustomed to them. It’s almost like I expect to meet with resistance or failure each time something nearly works out and in this case I can’t say I willed it upon myself. I literally tested positive for TB. Which is amusing since those are my ex’s initials, and is yet another TB which seems to be hampering my progress. 

Dry humour is what I’m best at if I’m being my authentic self. I must unfortunately smile and wave because I’m a woman and need to be likeable to get anywhere in my line of work. That isn’t to say I’m a sociopath or hate people. I just wish I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in their lives and feign amusement at their not so novel ideas. Pretty sure I’ve not so novel ideas too, but I don’t need to be indulged for the sake of my (not) fragile ego. Anyhow.

I applied for this job early in the year and didn't expect to hear from them (because the first few years of my work life had me flailing and coping with depression instead of steering my career, and I know I shouldn’t grudge her for this but I do). But I did hear from them. And everything went through. Including 3 rounds of aptitude tests and a personal interview (which I thought I bombed but didn't somehow). Until I tested positive on a skin patch test for TB. Why do these stupid standard sets of tests get prescribed world over? Honestly, if I’m ever supreme leader of anywhere I will ban standardised tests. Not in the way that I say medicine is a sham, not at all, but in the way that WE LIVE IN THE THIRD WORLD AND WILL OF COURSE HAVE TAKEN THE BCG OR HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE BACTERIA AT SOME POINT BUT IT’S NOT NECESSARILY EVER GOING TO BE ACTIVE SO USE A BETTER AND MORE CONTEXT SPECIFIC TEST INSTEAD OF GIVING ME ANXIETY AND EXISTENTIAL CRISES LIKE THESE, JFC. 😭😭😭

But I’ve taken the other test and that’s also got the drawback of being unable to differentiate between inert and active TB. So I took an HRCT scan. I’m so sick of running around hospitals, there’s a literal virus in the air. But Monday is when I’ll know the medical verdict. And then there’s the whole security check process. I hate when this happens but I’ve lost so much time to grief, I simply cannot sit around moping any longer. 

Earlier this year I interviewed with the **. I was given a verbal confirmation and had a text message implying an offer was made to me, because I received an acknowledgement to my acceptance of an offer. If I was the person I was in 2014, I’d have kicked up a fuss and made sure that offer was honoured, but 2021 me knows that working with bosses who go back on their word slyly and cave to nepotism usually need their cocks sucked. And I’m not only incapable of that, but have also dealt with enough workplace harassment elsewhere to be adamant about a brand at the risk of my mental health. But really, he can go suck it because I have confirmation from staff that he is EVERYTHING I read him to be. I’m not intuitive or anything, I just read people very well because I was hurt so bad by them (repeatedly since childhood) that reading people became a thing I did for survival. My sharp instincts serve me well, but are a trauma response. I am very self aware too, yes.

I then interviewed and got through an NGO that was willing to pay me 24L. I turned it down because the founders were running around like headless chicken with their inability to distinguish PR from Marketing Comms (me) from Marketing for business development. I know I was being paid a lot of money, but I will not kill myself performing all three functions while being acknowledged for just the one on my offer letter. I’ve learned to value my labour capacity and assert myself in the economic and political spheres. 

Personally though? I sometimes still think I’m a romantic pushover.

But this is about work because I need to weep a little before being calm about how this year has treated me. Especially since I’m maintaining a cool demeanour in public and literally hate sharing things I’m burdened with. Idk man, it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like feeling like I’ll get a knife twisted in the spot that's most sore. I AM SCREAMING BECAUSE I HAVE LET G WITNESS ME IN PAIN THIS TIME INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY and will someday file copyright over An Enduring Romantic because that’s very honestly me. But ofc it isn’t going to be the legal Copyright, just the sham notice like the one I’d sent him to up his Instagram game. Or he could just operate my Twitter and I’ll run his gram. It’ll even feel natural.

Sometime around May an environmental journal asked me to come on board. Work from the office at the height of the pandemic with no travel compensation and very little money. I turned them down. Then came II**. Which I again turned down because they wouldn’t pay market rate for skills I’ve perfected in 4 years just because they wanted 8 years experience on paper for my quotation. I will do a lot for causes I love, but I also really enjoy being paid fairly and acknowledged for the value I bring to the table.

Then came the start up in Del. Which I turned down because the uncle running it in his wife’s name expected 24*7 labour availability for 12L with no health insurance.

The latest in my list of things I’ve turned down is the ** Gov. Which I can obviously go back to since my reason for turning it down was another job, but 14 days of leave all year? 7 day work week if needed? Hell no. I enjoy having labour rights. But also when I told the dude I’d be reporting to if I accepted that I cant accept due to covid concerns his reaction was “sure, send me an email so we can start looking for someone else immediately.” Like.... we just had a second wave, what if something was wrong? I wouldn’t risk losing my job because they expect work even if I were hypothetically coughing up blood. So best not to touch with a bargepole. Now I’m less sad, but also really hope the TB results are negative. This job I want and have said yes to ticks off all of the boxes in my head and I will truly be disappointed if I lose it to disease paranoia despite being completely suited and picked for the role 😞

Just to be on the safer side, I have taken one last shot at achieving my goal of ‘learn how political systems work so you know what you’re talking about first hand in that PhD.’ I hope my Plan A works out instead, though.

Since I’ve brought him up in this, it will be interesting to note that a year ago I did the erstwhile unthinkable act of cutting a friend of for attempting to steal a man I love. A year ago to the date, literally. Funny how this year is more calm, but I was maxed out on endorphins from him last year. Until this March even, if I’m being truthful. I don’t regret cutting her off.She crossed a vvvv red line. ALL my other friends are celebrating. They detested her. 

Another thing that happened last year was me letting him know that I only get hotter with time, but along with this work drama I have also had a run in with intense grief which I thought was a mood disorder (because it was intense, I mentioned?), cholesterol, thyroid, sugar addiction and now, le TB (PLEASE BE A FALSE POSITIVE YESU KRISTU HALP). So needless to say, I haven’t been most fabulous and undergone my physical transformation and these mental health struggles (are getting better now) strapped me to my couch along with the pandemic and its many lockdowns. I have also not studied for the GRE because I’m stimulus seeking via social media and fear of sucking at math has kept me locked in place. I still have a lot to work through on this front and would really like to make his cover right too, but my creativity isn't working and I keep fucking it up. I am not as spectacular as I was last year. The separation has also weathered my dazzle out a little and while I’m living with it, I still have small waves of sadness that show up once in a while.

I might have also accidentally flirted with someone into falling for me. It was all fun and games and for my pride, but now I’ve to gently let them down since I’ve cold feet and am chicken. Because I’m as emotionally unavailable as a streetlamp. Is this why they call me a Gurgaoni fuckboi?

[mangelak0s]

Idfc.

Hi! I’m going to post fics in here too, and I hope you like them. :)

I have commissions open!! If you can share and/or buy something would be awesome! Songfics are in promotion sknddskn you can see the prices and all of the stuff here! <3

Warnings: Angst.

This is in AO3 as well. :)

Normally, it was best to take a pencil and paper.

In that way you can write all your feelings, all your joys, your laughter, your sorrows, your miseries.

But... A letter would not read it.

And James wanted to make it clear why this had happened.

Was he a bad person doing that? By making his feelings clear?

No, right?

He just ... He wanted to say goodbye in some other way.

He took his cell phone, opened notes and sighed, beginning.

“Do you remember when you said that you loved me with all your soul, and that you never will hurt me?

Ha.

I think everything was fine, you know? I ... I believe in that fantasy.

That's the truth and the fantasy I lived for years.

But you never cared.

You never cared, you didn't care, right?

Thomas, I'm ... I was crazyly in love with you.

I would have given my life for you.

But I was never enough for you.

Look me in the face and tell me everything you feel, hypocrite.

You took my heart, you pretended to love it, to take care of it, and then to crush it.

Everything can be arranged, except a broken heart.

Do you remember all those romantic moments we had? All that hypocrisy, that lie in which you kept me living?

now I don't give a shit.

now... now i changed, Thomas.

although... i still need you as the stupid that I am.

i can't live in peace.

you are the only thing I think.

you're my day to day, and, shit, I hate it.

I hate you!

i hate you.

i... i hate you.

i...

i love you...

i can not do this, thomas, i dont even have the strength to capitalize, do you see how sad i am?

why did you have to finish everything like that?

why did you have to hurt me so much?

...why did you cheat me?

you... you don't know how this feels.

write this in the notes of my phone to send it later, it seems suicide note, hahaha. i never thought id get to this, but, thomas.

you were always everything I had.

you were everything to me.

and you let me fall.

how did you think I was going to recover from this?

how do you think I can keep looking at your face after all?

i... i cant take it anymore, thomas, i dont give more.

you promised me a beautiful future, and what did you give me?

tell me, thomas, what the fuck did you give me?

this.

this is happening now.

let me stop fighting for my life.

let me stop fighting for you.

i can not anymore. im not strong anymore.

im damaged.

im broken.

and they cant fix me.

i can not take it anymore, god, i have trouble breathing, my eyes are swollen, i can barely see, my head hurts in a horrible way.

you are not the person i met years ago.

you are... you are someone... bad.

i cant tell you anything, i cant sleep in the same bed as you, is not it funny? is not my life funny?

so much disgust do i give so that the only person i have ever loved and will always love, just play with me?

you said you do not give a shit about my life.

you said you didt give a shit.

you sent me to hell.

did you think i would recover easily?

what a forgiveness would solve everything?

no, thomas, things dont work that way.

i feel broken.

sad.

crushed, troubled?

melancholic, nostalgic, bitter, depressed, and all the synonyms you find.

some will think that this is a hasty decision, that everything can change, but... no.

this would be an endless cycle, and... i do not want you to hit me.

my hands are shivering, what does that mean?

it had never happened to me before.

i... i think i should finish this here, hahah.

you will never see me again, and i will never be a burden to you again.

nor for anyone.

the saddest thing of all?

I still love you with all my heart.”

James copied all that, and without reading it again, he sent it to Thomas as is.

There were two possibilities; he could read it before James's depression and his panic attack overtook him, or...

Or that he would arrive the next day at the apartment they shared, and find him... Dead... On the bed.

He was working all night, and he doesn't lie when he says that.

He never took his cell phone.

And now... He feel how his life went extinct.

He ran to James, trying to take his pulse, crying more than he could, trying to kiss him to see if he could somehow revive him, but... Nothing.

James used to have certain episodes of paranoia that he couldn't control except with pills. That should be the only... The only answer to this.

Thomas went to the bathroom as fast as he could, trying not to fall or crash because of how dizzy he was, and he looked for the pills.

Sure, how had he not noticed before? He didn't take them since a week ago.

One week was enough to take away everything he had loved in life.

He screamed, throwing the pills away, causing the jar to break the mirror and shattering it into many pieces.

“Will you remember me?”, he heard James's voice, and looked around. “Be happy, Thomas.”

Now he was hallucinating?

“I'm sorry about everything, but at least I can rest.”

His voice became constant.

And close.

Thomas sat on the side of the shower, put his head between his legs and began to cry and scream.

James' voice was still talking, and Thomas couldn't take it anymore.

He was everything he loved in life, and what was he going to do without the only thing that motivated him to continue?

He stopped, still with the sweet sound of James' voice in his ears, and he went where he was.

He approached, while crying, took his cell phone and found two notes.

The first one was the one that had sent him, and the second was... It was when James was... “Fine.”

In it he asked forgiveness for everything, for what he was going to do - he had done, and for not being able to continue with him.

Everyone knows the Romeo and Juliet novel, right?

Everyone knows that love can kill.

And, this was another one of those cases.

I don't think I have to keep telling more, since the story of both ended there.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 13

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER BE NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

- there will be smut added soon, just thought i’d give a fair warning!

- i’m having a hard time finding 2015 Niall gifs so i may add 2016 gifs instead. if you want to propose me any PLEASE message me. youll make my day!

- thank you so much for all the asks i get. you guys make me so happy. i cant even explain. thank you forever. i love you!!!

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 13 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

Harry was staring at me and I was staring right back. I could feel my heart beat hard against my rib cage but I was not really sure why. Clearly, he thought Niall and I had seen each other naked and although it was pretty true for me, it wasn't as obvious for him. I had caught Niall masturbating completely naked in bed when he was 13, but when Niall saw me, I was wearing a shirt and panties. We got changed in the same room quite often but I knew Niall and I knew he would never look at me without my consent, whether it was out of respect or simply because he was not interested.

Harry's lips curled slightly on the left as he kept his eyes on me and I did the same, looking away and leaning against the couch behind me. It was embarrassing to talk about it and I wanted to talk about something else. I turned to my best friend and had to swallow hard when my eyes landed on him. He had just admitted he had slept with Maya and after what I had confessed to him earlier, it made it even worse. Now I knew why he was trying to reassure me about my jealousy for her and it had worked quite well but now, everything was ruined. I had came to make myself believe that they hadn't done anything. Niall was a discreet person but the way he acted with Maya was so different than how he acted with Heidi and he never explicitly confessed to having sex with her. Perhaps I just didn't want it to be true and now it was hitting me right in the face.

"Sorry guys, but Louis and I have both seen 4 persons in the room naked too, why didn't we get votes?" Liam argued with a frown, obviously talking about his girlfriend who put her hand gently over his.

"Don't go there, Liam." Louis quickly replied, taking the cigarette that was waiting behind his ear and putting it between his lips. "It's a can of worms and no one wants to see that."

Everyone remained silent when he lighted it up and after a few seconds, Eleanor smiled and read a question outloud. I felt the tension in the room calm down suddenly and took my pencil again, ready to keep playing.

"Who's got a deep secret they never told anyone?"

I suddenly held my breath and my eyes got bigger for half a second. I felt extremely exposed for no reason and I closed my eyes, imagining all the eyes turned to me. It was paranoia, it had to be, because no one knew I had feelings for my best friend. No one knew I've always had feelings for him, and that I probably always would. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes again and noticed everyone was busy scribbling down a name and no one was giving me any unsolicited attention. I felt my body relax slightly and quickly grabbed my pen, scribbling the first name that came in my mind.

I waited impatiently for Niall to read all the answers outloud and stress came back when I heard my name. I didn't want to seem like it was true and I simply waited for Niall to be done.

"I don't know why anyone would write Harry." Niall laughed. "He walks around naked, no matter who's in the room, I don't think someone who does that can have any deep secret."

Harry grabbed the first thing he could reach and threw it at him but Niall simply laughed, moving his head right on time not to get Harry's pen in the face.

"Liv doesn't have any deep secret she's never told anyone, she tells me everything, right?"

I held my breath again as I stared at Niall. His eyebrows were raised, his lips were curled into a satisfied smile, and i felt guilt invade my whole body and making my head throb. Could he read in my face how embarrassed I was? My lips parted and I was about to answer when someone else talked.

"Everyone's got secrets." Louis pointed out, taking a sip of his beer. "I'm sure you keep stuff from her and she keeps stuff from you."

"So you keep stuff from your girlfriend, Tommo?" Niall argued, his gaze moving from me to his bandmate.

Louis laughed and rolled his eyes.

"She's not your girlfriend, Neil."

Silence fell in the room and I swallowed hard, trying to find a way to ease the tension. I had no idea why these kind of games always ended up in some sort of arguments but I didn't want to be part of it anymore. I was about to just get up and leave when Lottie groaned low.

"You're both so fucking annoying." she let out. "I think it's time to find a new game to play."

She dived her hand in her purse and bit her bottom lip as she searched for something. After a few seconds where my heart threatened to jump out of my chest, she pulled out cards and sent all of us a smile.

"It's a game I used to play at parties when I was younger." she explained, shaking the cards to put our attention on it. "Kiss And Tell. It's some sort of truth or dare game but the questions and the dare all have to do with kisses. And to avoid everyone to choose 'tell', we'll use a dice. 1,2 and 3 are kiss, and 4, 5 and 6 are tell."

She checked the cards and got off the couch to sit on the floor, putting the two stacks on the carpet. I noticed Harry had gotten up to find a dice and I suddenly realized how bad of an idea it was.

"Okay but maybe I'm not interested in making out with everyone here." I pointed out, staring at the big 'KISS' written on one of the piles.

"Kisses on the cheeks are fine," she chuckled. "but you're ruining the fun, Liv!"

I remembered that time when we were 15 and went to a stupid party. We had played spin the bottle and when it was Niall's turn, the bottle had pointed at me. I couldn't believe I was going to kiss my best friend, who was also the boy I was in love with, in front of everyone. I remember how close he was, how his eyes had roamed on my face, how I held my breath, how scared I was, and how he had apologized in a whisper right before to press his lips on mine. His 'I'm sorry' had haunted me for weeks. What did that even mean? Was he sorry that we had to kiss in front of people? Or that I had to be kissed by him? Or maybe he was just sorry he had to kiss me because he really didn't want to. We had never talked about it after that but now that there was an other chance I could kiss him, I knew I didn't want to go through that again. Would anyone notice if I got up and ran away?

"No way, I mean unless you're actually dating someone, there's no reason not to play! A kiss has never killed anyone!" Max let out, making me turn his way.

"Well, actually..."

"No, no stats darling, please." Niall cut me straight, his lips curling slightly to the right.

I raised my nose in a grimace and shrugged, glancing at the cards again. Lottie decided to start, just to show us how to play and had to kiss the person she trusted the most in the room. Without a surprised, she walked to her brother and kissed his cheek for a few seconds with an exaggerated 'muah!', making me laugh.

I watched as Gemma grabbed the dice and got a 2, picking up a 'kiss' card.

"Kiss the person you could have dated (outside of your significant other)."

Her eyes roamed on everyone and she sighed in a defeated manner. I could bet kissing her little brother's friends was not something she had ever thought about.

"I'm sorry but i've seen all of you pre-puberty and it's a complete turn off." she pointed out, getting up and walking to the other side of the living room. "Except you."

Max chuckled but got up too and I stared at them way too intensely. It's not that I didn't want to kiss anyone. In fact, I didn't really mind, but I didn't know how i'd react if I had to kiss Niall again. I honestly thought it would hurt me even more than it did the first time. The kiss lasted a bit too long and the way she gripped the side of his shirt made my heart jump. I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss I shared with Niall and how I was torn between hoping to do it again or to never do it again.

When I got out of my thoughts, I noticed Gemma was back on the couch while Max had taken place somewhere on the floor near his best friend.

"He didn't look that bad pre-puberty but he's better now, trust me." Eleanor let out, making Gemma chuckle a bit.

It took only a few seconds for Julie to breathe her courage in and grab the dice before grabbing a 'tell' card with a small relieved smile. I knew no one would have forced her to kiss someone else than her boyfriend but I could understand why it was stressing her. In fact, the amount of stress invading my body at that exactly moment was clearly too much to contain and I started playing with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

"Tell us about your most memorable kiss." she read out loud, sending a glance at Liam.

They both smiled at each other and I bite my bottom lip, forgetting how nervous I was for a few seconds. The level of complicity they had reached had me quite jealous. It must be amazing to be able to get to that point with someone when that someone was your lover. I knew Niall and I were extremely close, probably as close as Julie and Liam were, but we were just friends, and I think that toned down the relationship a bit. Not because friendship was less important than love, of course not, but because when you're best friends and dating, there was only the two of you. That intimacy wouldn't have to be shared with a boyfriend or a girlfriend outside of your relationship. It was complete. It was full. I wanted to be complete with Niall.

I glanced at him, making my heart jump in my chest, before to focus on Julie's story. I would have expected her most memorable kiss to be their first but it ended up being that one time, when he was on tour and they hadn't seen each other in weeks. It was in the way Liam had looked at her, how her whole body had given in, how it felt like the first time again... It was about how much they had missed each other and how they realized they didn't want to be apart for that long again. The romantic in my sighed internally as I brought my hands in my sleeves, gripping my shirt with both hands from inside. I could have something great with Harry, I knew it, but would we ever be as close as I was with Niall? That was clearly impossible. Right?

I saw Niall grab a card and my heart seemed to stop but I relaxed when I realized it was in the 'tell' pile. I moved my knees up, my arms around them, and leaned my cheek on them to look at my best friend. He seemed surprised by the card in his hand but finally read it outloud.

"Tell us about your most awkward kiss."

When Niall turned to me and dived his gaze in mine, I held my breath. I didn't want him to talk about that kiss we shared over a decade ago but I knew it had came to his mind and somehow, it made me feel like shit. It really was awkward, but to me, it was weird because I had feelings for him. For Niall, it was probably awkward because he didn't have feelings for me. He didn't want to do it. After all, he had apologized before doing it.

"Oh god." he chuckled, rubbing his eyes slowly and extending his legs on the carpet. "One time I was hanging out with this girl I didn't like and she just misread some signals or I don't know, and she kissed me but she did it so quick her front teeth hit my upper lip and it started bleeding. I don't know if it can be considered a kiss but it was horrible."

Everyone laughed but I just kept staring at him. I already knew about this story. That girl was one of my friends and after that day, I stopped speaking to her. Now that I thought about it, it was wrong of me because after all, she had no one idea how I felt for Niall, no one knew, but I couldn't deal with it anyway. It was not her fault, it was mine.

"Okay, my turn." Harry let out, extending his body close to me to grab the dice and pick a 'tell' card.

I felt extremely lucky that both of them had gotten that instead of a 'kiss' card. I didn't want to kiss any of them at this moment, but I also didn't want to see them kiss anyone. I closed my eyes tight at that thought, realizing how much of a loser I was, before opening them again. Harry moved his gaze up to look at me and his lips curled slightly into a fond smile. I couldn't explain how much I enjoyed it when he looked at me that way.

"Tell us about your favorite kiss." he read, his eyes never leaving mine.

I didn't want to hear about it but at the same time, I was dying to find out what kind of kiss could be his favorite. Was it romantic like Julie and Liam's? Or was it in a heated and passionate moment? I ended up thinking that knowing Harry, it could be a first kiss when he was young with someone he really loved, or an intense kiss before making love. He could give any of these answers and I wouldn't be surprised.

"My favorite non-kiss involved jello." he started, still staring at me. "And I was so close to kiss her but her clumsy ass choked on it. She probably thinks she ruined it but it made me like her even more. There was also this non-kiss in the pool, where I kept thinking about her lips and the way they would feel. Or that non-kiss at the lake where we got cock-blocked."

During his whole monologue, I held my breath and everyone was focused on him. It was always that way with Harry, he always had everyone's attention because he was captivating. I didn't want to think about everyone else in the room, though, and I didn't have to. He was looking at me, and no one else.

"But my favorite kiss is the kiss i'll get when we finally kiss for the first time. So it hasn't happened yet, but i'm still hoping for it." he concluded before I exhaled suddenly, realizing I was out of breath.

I smiled at him, my lips parting slightly and my heart jumping so hard in my chest that I honestly thought everyone could hear it through the powerful silence filling the room. No one dared to talk and Harry smiled more, chuckling low before moving his chin a bit.

"Your turn, Liv."

It took me a lot of courage to roll the dice and I had to swallow hard when I saw the number 3. I knew my luck couldn't stay forever and I shook my head, picking a 'kiss' card. I didn't want to read it, I didn't want to kiss anyone with everyone watching, and it took me forever to read the card. It took a few seconds to process what I read and I held my breath, confused and stunned by the words on the card.

'kiss the person you love the most in the room.'

I didn't even have the guts to read it outloud and I just pressed my lips together and shook my head.

"No, sorry, I can't do that."

Quickly, I got back on my feet and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind myself. I leaned against it, my head hitting gently the wood, and closed my eyes as I tried to calm the erratic beatings of my heart. I knew my reaction would bring a lot of questions but I didn't care. I just couldn't deal with that card.

I felt the card between my fingers and held it tighter, glad that I had brought it with me so no one could read it. I slipped it in the back pocket of my jeans and pressed the palms of my hands on my eyes, trying to get rid of the shame invading my whole body and mind.

Instinctively, I thought about Niall as soon as I saw the words but picking him would be admitting something I was not ready to admit and probably never would. I knew it could pass as strong and intense friendship but I didn't think everyone would be gullible enough to believe it. It was obvious to me that at least one person would find out about how I really felt, and I was scared that that person would be Harry.

How did I really feel about Harry? Was he only there, in my heart, to fill the space I wanted Niall to fill? Was he someone I could fall in love with? Or was I doomed to date people I would never really love simply because I couldn't seem to forget about how much I loved my best friend? Was that void I wanted Niall to fill going to be there forever? Was it possible for me to be satisfied with someone the way I knew i'd be with him?

My head said it was possible for me to be happy without him, but my heart screamed louder, telling me i'd always be missing something inside of me and I tended to listen to my heart in every circumstances.

I jumped in surprise when I heard a knock at the door and moved away from it. I was not ready to face anyone but i knew i'd have to, sooner or later, and perhaps it was better to do it now and get it over with.

"Babe?" I heard a low but high voice. "Please, let us in."

I recognized Eleanor's voice and the surprise was even bigger. We've always been on good terms but I wouldn't consider us close. Still, I had to admit I was touched by the fact that she was ready to be there for me and I unlocked the door, opening it slowly. The shock was even bigger when I saw Lottie, Gemma, Julie and Maya waiting with her. I stood there, motionless, my lips slightly parted, and El just raised her eyebrows.

"Can we come in?"

The bathroom was large but clearly not built for 6 girls and I sat on the edge of the bath tub while the others leaned on the walls, sat on the toilet or simply on the floor and I waited until someone would talk.

"Okay so I don't know what your card is, but clearly, you want to kiss Harry, right?"

"Uhm.."

What was I supposed to answer to that? No one knew how I felt for Niall, meaning that no one could help me with this confusion that was tearing me apart. All of them thought my reaction had everything to do with Harry when it was a lie, and I had to keep on lying.

"Oh what he said about the kiss?" Maya let out, moving her upper body in our direction as her lips curled into a naive but happy smile. "That was so great! It wasn't even for me and it made my heart melt!"

I knew she was thinking about Niall and I swallowed.

"Yea." Gemma groaned before letting out a chuckle. "My brother has that effect on people."

"Wait." Julie quickly said, raising one of her hands to get silence. She turned to me. "You want to kiss Harry, Liv, right?"

"I mean..." I slowly raised one of my shoulders as my eyes roamed on the five girls around me. "I guess, yes."

That was not a lie. I just omitted to add that I'd prefer to kiss NIall.

"We could cheat?" Lottie proposed. "So they get to kiss? Or find a game that will have them kiss immediately?"

"7 minutes in heaven?" Maya quickly suggested, her face illuminating.

"What are we, 12?"

The discussion kept going but I remained silent, only half-listening to what they were proposing as they threw ideas on how and when I could finally kiss Harry. I knew they meant well, and I could admit that I was deeply grateful and moved by the fact that they were there for me and cared enough to try and help me. I had known these girls for a while and I liked them a lot, but even Maya, whom I had just met, was trying to find a solution and the fact that it made her even more perfect than she already was made something stir in my stomach.

Their voices became a background noise and I suddenly held my breath and jumped on my feet again. I was tired to wait, tired to ask myself questions, tired to analyze every move of everyone, including myself. I deserved to be happy, I owed myself to at least try, and it was time I did something about it.

"I know what to do." I just whispered, opening the door and walking out of the bathroom.

They remained motionless and in shock for a few seconds but ended up following me to the living room, getting there just in time.

The boys were now standing up, talking and drinking. I noticed Harry saying something and Niall laughed but they both noticed me when I entered the room. I had never felt so determined in my life. I knew I had to do it and I knew I had to do it now. It didn't matter where we were and with who. All that mattered was this.

I walked up to them and noticed Harry's lips curl at my sight. Quickly, I got on my tiptoe, gripped his shirt tight and pressed my lips on his. He smelled like expensive cologne and I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his mouth against mine. His hands found my waist but I could barely feel the tip of his fingers brushing against my sweater as he deepened the kiss but kept everything slow and gentle. He tasted amazing: a mix of sweet alcohol and caramel. How was that even possible?

I think I heard a few positive reactions around me but I tried to shut down every single senses except the ones that made me enjoy this kiss. The way he smelled, tasted, felt... And at this exact moment, I asked myself why this hadn't happened before? Why did we wait so long to get this incredible and inexplicable feeling? There was no answer and I pushed the questions away to focus on this moment that I knew i'd never forget.

[cchellacat]

Y/N or Darcy at a party when she spots an ex. Quick, she urgently has to pretend to be dating the nearest person, who happens to be very attractive.

Wintershock Bucky/Darcy

18 +

Thank You for Your Service

credit for wintershockedit to @spacemansam

Darcy mingled near the bar, sipping her drink and feelingsorry for herself.  She’s all on herlonesome tonight, Jane bowed out early with Thor and probably wouldn’t be seenuntil Monday.   She’s not meant to be out on her own, but she’s fed up with her dad’s overprotective paranoia.  Ever since Tony found out about her existence he’s been  trying to make up for the last twenty odd years of her life.   The latest decision that she needs a bodyguard causing a huge argument, which she hopes she’s won.

This was not the Friday nightshe had been counting on though and she hadn’t actually been drinking, not feeling safe to with Jane gone.  She was justabout to call it a night when she spotted him across the room, he was making abee line towards her.  

She turned back towards the bar and felt panic creeping upher spine.  Her ex, Ian was here and nowhe’s seen her, god she wants the floor to swallow her.  She looks to the right where the same man hadsat all night.  He was big and broad andalthough the long hair was a little hobo, he seemed intimidating enough to dothe job.  

Darcy kicks the leg of his bar stool and he turns his headto look at her, for a second, she nearly stops breathing.  He has the most beautiful blue eyes with thickgenerous lashes she has ever seen, he also looks like a Greek god with a strongjawline and cheekbones to die for.  He’sfrowning at her as she stares, struck dumb for a moment before her brain kicksback and she leans forward, layinig on her best drunk damsel impression she canmanage.

“Look, I know this seems really weird and totally like somebad pick up line, but can you pretend to be my boyfriend, for like, ten minstops?  Just till I get rid of my ex?”  She murmurs, deliberately curving her mouth intoa pouty flirty smile, not that it took much effort, god he was hot.  

Before he can answer Ian’s voice breaks into the slightly awkwardsilence.

“Darcy, fancy seeing you here.  I thought you’d be in DC by now?”

Darcy turns her head and smiles saccharinely, resisting theurge to throw her drink in his face.

“Really?  I heard youmoved to Boston, I guess we were both wrong.”

“Still trailing around after Dr Foster then?”

“We’re not trailing around, we’re heading the astrophysicslab at Stark Industries.”

She enjoys the look of jealousy for about two seconds beforehe recovers.

“I didn’t know they paid interns at SI, still living off DrFosters charity then, or are you picking up otherwork.”

She wants to smack him, is only stopped from doing so by thearm that suddenly slips around her waist.

“What exactly are you implying?”

It’s the hot guy sitting next to her.  Darcy squashes the sudden flutter in herbelly at the way the heat of his hand seems to sear through the thin materialof her dress.

Ian looks startled and taken aback.

“I’m sorry, and you are?”

“James Barnes, and think you were about to apologise to mygirlfriend for implying that she was a whore.”

She wants to cheer, Ian looks fit to pee his pants.  Clinging to her tipsy girl persona shesnuggles into the hot hobo and pats his chest.

“James is very protective.” She shots Ian a shark like grin as her fake boyfriend takes a half amenacing step forward.  Ian squeaks outan apology and can’t high tail it fast enough. Darcy can’t help it, she breaks into a peel of laughter and ends upclutching her saviours shirt in a effort to stay upright.

She laughs so hard she nearly falls off her seat.

“Jesus Doll, how much have you had?”  The sweet concern in his tone has her pattinghis chest lightly, admiring the firm muscle beneath the Henley as his handshover at her hips, worrying about letting her fall.

“None.”  She managesto gasp as the laughter finally clams.

“What?”

“Sorry handsome, I needed help and drunk damsel usually worksreally well.”

“I’d have helped you out without the act doll, he’s a realpiece of work.”

“Yes, he is.”  She agrees,still patting at his chest.  Good lord,how much working out did he do to get this buff?  “You know, I really feel as though I shouldthank you properly for the save.”  She bitesher bit and widens her eyes, just  a little,her tone honey sweet and low.

He smiles down at her and cocks and eyebrow.

“You want to thank me for my service?”  The teasing tone send a thrill through herand a pleasant tingle starts in her belly.

“However you’d like me too, soldier.”  His eyes darken at her words and his handsfinally land on her hips.  He wets hislips and she smooths her hands down his front to pluck at the front of hisjeans.  She makes the decision quickly,she doesn’t usually do this sort of thing, but he is hot and she is horny andhe just squished Ian like a bug, she is so turned on that her panties aresoaked through.

She pushes him back and he goes without protest as she jumpsoff the stool and then she takes his hand and tugs him after her, headedthrough the bar and dragging him into the lady’s restroom.  He gets the idea quick and they’re in a stalland he has her skirt pushed up and her leg pulled over his hip even as hismouth descends on hers for a filthy hot kiss that make her mewl in want.  Jesus Christ, he knows how to kiss.  

Darcy’s fingers make quick work of his shirt buttons, she moansin appreciation when she sees his chest and abs.  The whimper he makes as she lightly pincheshis nipples has her wet with want, fuck he was beautiful.   His largehands skim over her tits, squeezing and pressing and she feels her knees goweak, the only thing keeping her upright his hard thigh between her legs whereshe grinds herself frantically, desperate for friction as she rocks against him.  

She doesn’t protest as he pulls down her top and pushes thecups of the bra out of his way, his mouth tracing a hot path of kisses from herneck south until his lips closed around one aching nipple, she gasps and letsout a reedy cry, she thinks she could come from this alone, fuck he knows whatto do with his mouth and tongue.  Cool fingersdip into her panties, seeking out her wet folds, the rumble in his chest whenhe finds her hot and wet and quivering for him makes her gasp.  

She tugs his belt open and pushes his pants down far enoughto free his cock.  He is achingly hardand hot in her palm and leaking.  He capturesher in another kiss and then he’s lifting her, back pressed to the wall of thestall, legs wrapping around his hips and he wrenches her panties to oneside.  

The thick head of his cock eases into her, teasing at herentrance and all the breath leaves her body as he makes one hard thrust,filling her quickly.  She moans his name,her walls clenching around the sudden invasion. He pants into her ear, tells her how good she feels, how fucking tightand wet her pussy is and she cants her hips grinding her clit into his pelvic boneand then he pounds into her, hips snapping upwards with each stroke.  The sound of skin meeting skin is sinful andthen his thumb seeks out her clit, stroking it gently for such a roughlooking man and then she’s coming hard, back arching, more dirty talk ismuttered into her ear, encourage her and praising her for coming around hiscock, calling her a good girl, so sweet and dirty.  She can only cling to him, as he drives intoher over and over, their sweat slick skin meeting again and again as he fucksher.  He holds her effortlessly while hethrusts and she feels a second orgasm building, following the first, his cock pressingdeeper and then he adjusts the angle and he’s stroking firmly over her g-spotwith each lunge.  

Her whole body arches as she comes again, clutching himgreedily, drawing him in and she feel nothing but triumph as he stiffens andslams into her once more, burying himself in her possessively as he comes, his lipson her neck, hands holding her ass, pressing his cock so deeply in her pussyshe wants to come again from the fullness and heat of him spilling in sideher.  The ache of his cock filling hermakes her dizzy, he feels so good, it feels as though he’s thoroughlyimprinted in her body she’ll never forget what he feels like.  

He keeps her pined to the wall for a few minutes, his cockslowly softening as he kisses her sinfully, both of then still shuddering asaftershocks rip through them.  When he finallylets her down onto her feet her legs hardly support her, but he steadies her witha chuckle and holds her up till she finds her footing again.  

She feels starry eyed and besotted from the pleasure he gaveher, it doesn’t help that she thinks he might have the finest body she’d everseen and she’s seen Thor naked, but James was better, so much better, but thiswas just a one time hook up.  He pullshimself together and leaves her to fix her clothes.

In the fluorescent light she sorts herself, pulling down herskirt and making sure her top covers her modestly before washing her hands andleaving the bathroom.  Suddenly feeling shyand a little embarrassed, because what the hell was she thinking?  She sneaks outthe back way and hails a cab.  

Climbing into bed back at the Tower she finally really needssleep and decides she doesn’t regret the impulsive decision.  Her only regret that she hadn’t taken thechance to ask for his number.

The next morning she’s nearly at Jane’s lab when Tony shouts for her to popinto his lab, she swerves and crosses the hallway, poking her head in.  Tony isn’t alone, there is a man with him.

“Darcy, meet Bucky Barnes, he’s going to be our new head of securityfor the Tower.”  

He turns to see her and Darcy freezes.  It’s him, the hot hobo from the bar.  All she can do is gape as Tony introduces them.  Her mind goes blank and she wonders how she misseda vibranium arm.  Then it all falls backinto line and her mind finally makes the connection.  He’s the Winter Soldier.  His answering introduction and the way hekissed the back of her hand has Tony shaking his head while Darcy swoons alittle more.   If she’d known who he wasshe’d have brung him back to her apartment the night before.   In the light of day he looked even better, cleanand washed and dressed smartly, his hair tied back.    He smilesat her like he wants to eat her and she thinks she might just let him.  That is until Tony tells her he’ll be her new bodyguard, one she won’t be able to give the slip to. 

@the-ss-horniest-book-club

[just-call-me-johnny-archive]

TW: Suicidal ideation, past suicide attempt mentioned, abusive language, stalking, paranoia, dreamlike body horror, panic attack. Reader discretion is advised.

He's there again. It's night time; they are both out drinking on the balcony. Crickets chirp and turn into a background white noise. His hair is short and blue and whips with the Summer wind. His eyes are still sharp and just barely shadowed as they look over the dewy streets of a sleeping city. 

He hears the other man take another sip of his drink and then take a drag of a cigarette. Johnny is surprised when it doesn't burn the inside of his nostrils like before. 

Despite knowing he had been drinking at some point before this time, Johnny just keeps the bottle in between his legs. Some sort of cherry wine cooler. Fruity pansy mocktail shit, as Edgar so endearingly referred to them as. 

And it's this thought alone that reminds Johnny that he is dreaming, because in his memories- Edgar is never sarcastic or mean. He was funny and a little rude but in a cute way to Nny. 

But to Johnny, he feels a living resentment that he can't show. 

"You know you'll never be good enough for them, right?" He exhales, talking as smoke billows out and he's just blowing off steam on Johnny. His brain is because Edgar is not actually here and there's no way in Hell that Johnny spontaneously decided to pay the apartment a visit. 

Nny or Johnny or whoever he is here, looks over to Edgar and says 'what?' Confused and yet knowing and frightened that he does but dreams are just metaphors and he can't control anything here as usual. Just watch and play pretend and act and wait to awaken safe and far away. 

"Don't act stupid," the man says rolling his eyes harshly and flicking his finger and cigarette towards Johnny. "You know what I'm talking about. You don't think I can't see what you actually dream about? How much you just ache to be that man's little bug. Well I'll tell you now Swallowtail, you're no match for the Joneses over there." 

"I mean, really? You couldn't have picked a worse couple to crush on, Nny. They are not even in the same sport as you, let alone league. Allow me to put it in perspective." 

Vargas puts the cigarette at the corner of his lips and raises his hands a large amount of space apart. 

"You're… discount putt putt in a two-star shopping center. And they are a Super Bowl played and broadcasted on the Moon." 

He laughs and inhales while Johnny's mouth is set in a firm line. Unable to say anything. Unsure what to say because he's right. He is always right and even in a fucking dream he won't let this aware version of the bastard see him cry ever again. 

"Look at you, can't even fucking laugh. I bet Leera can laugh. Bet she has the cutest little laugh that makes your precious Counselor's heart flutter. I also bet you can never do that for him." 

Johnny blinks, looking away, face hot and eyes burning. He will scoop them out he swears he will because there's no consequences here. He can dig that lump in his throat out too and toss it like a little rubber bouncey ball you can get in those coin slots dispensers. 

"Oh wait. No, I lied. You do, but more in a heart attack kind of way. Tell you what, Swallowtail, you sure know how to whore for attention. If you honestly believe that anything they're doing for you is for any other reason than you're a basket case sob story and slash or your sister and her whole goddamn family are royalty and slash or highly powerful people who have Dr. Jack Daniel's by his dick- then you're screwing yourself, my dear." 

Johnny sets a frown and speaks, finding it easier to do than he thought it would be. 

"I do know that." You don't have to keep fucking telling me how worthless I am and how much I'll never fit in with anything or how everyone who loves me does it out of pity or that I'm just kidding myself that anyone actually cares. I know that i fucking know that i cant ever forget you never let me forget. 

His throat burns like the words stuffed down his throat. 

"Good boy," Edgar says, grinning at the glassy eyed look that Johnny has trained on the drink in his grasp, wiping the condensation away with a shaky finger. 

"I am sorry though, Swallowtail. It must be hard knowing that the only worth you have is as slavery towards your homicidal duties. You'll spend the rest of eternity irredeemably worthless with no reprieve of going mad to save you. Every day you'll be stuck with no one but yourself and whoever you may have… recruited in your delusion will be dead. Because see- immortality is a gift that just keeps giving. You'll live long enough to see all of the people who claim to love you in this life, grow old and die away or be gruesomely murdered and take that fragile bordered love with them." 

"So, if I were you- and honestly, no offense, I am very glad I am not- I would just focus on the fleeting moments you have now and stop filling your little head with fantasies of being Jack's boytoy, because darling- may I remind you- any love that you think you feel or care or whatever- is temporary. When they die- it dies. So essentially, my dearest Swallowtail, you'll eventually kill that too." 

Edgar takes another drag and then lets the cigarette fall to the concrete, crushing it with the toes of his dress shoes. "Which- as a recap- is all you're ever going to do." 

He reaches over and pats Johnny's cheek and the man flinches, making a few of the tears he had been holding back fall down his cheeks. 

Vargas then gets up and goes towards the balcony door and Johnny's body spasms a little and he finds himself surrounded by pitch black, and the familiar sounds of the room allow him to quiet his whimpered gasps down. 

His breath levels out as he lets the tears fall as the dream fades away slowly. He still remembers a chunk of it. Enough to bring him back to the practice of making sure his cries are silent and quick and draining because he wants to be heard and held and told they're all lies of an exhausted, overclocked brain, but he knows that it's all true and he shouldn't make a noise because why is he even crying for? That his brain is trying to tell him he has been right all along and he just has to take it and live with it because it's fucking life and he better get used to it. 

He keeps asking himself why he's crying and what good it'll do and not to wake anyone with his noise and he eventually is able to calm down enough to breathe again. 

He feels gross, warm, with his face wet and his throat feeling clogged and his eyes burning. Nobody wants to see that. Wants to see him sniveling and whining about a silly dream when there's so many actual problems to worry about. Like an unborn child and a company and a kingdom and a galaxy of people. So many more important things. 

And it's in that moment where Johnny starts wondering where the surgical scalpels are because he needs to do it for real this time. No fucking up and being found and failing at killing everything but himself. Kill the disease; kill the host. Kill the thoughts kill the noise kill the sadness kill the shame kill the memories kill the desires and and needs. 

Kill the images in his head of being found like this and held and shushed and told everything would be okay because it's never okay and all he has are these stupid fucking fantasies that will never happen and that aren't his to have anymore anyways. And that are useless pictures of window shopping. Of things he can't afford and will never be worthy of. 

And he physically has to hold on to the blanket to stop himself from getting up right now, walking down that hall, and just throwing himself out into the vastness of space.

 It hasn't been this bad in a while and he thinks about Dr. Ruxill's voice talking about therapy. And he wonders how that would go for him talking about things he can barely handle himself. About memories he only just started recovering over the past two years. And then he thinks of losing his last breath to the stars and how he won't have to talk ever again. 

And he continues this over and over and over until the lights come back on and the nurse comes in and he can't be roused to give his arm for more medicine. He's curled in tight to himself and he's aware and awake but mute and non-compliant. And after a while of coaxing and no response or surrender they give up and call in reinforcements. 

And then Counselor comes in with his soft voice and common sense and rationality and Johnny can't handle any of that especially and so he pulls the blankets over his head and doesn't leave that position until he senses the lights are turned off and his room is vacant and the staff are being briefed not to enter his room unless it's an emergency. 

Breakfast is brought in without a word and then lunch and when dinner rolls around Johnny's everything hurts so bad that he has to at least eat a small piece of bread to shut up the annoying gnawing in his gut. 

After a while, Johnny hears the violin come in through the vents. And it sounds like how he feels and despite all the numbness and walls and impassivity he has put up today he crumbles there in the bed, sobbing openly into the blazer he has under his sheets. He whispers things to it and himself that he would never say in out loud. Tells it his dirty little secrets and fears and just like the owner it listens without judgment. The violin in the air covers it all protectively, keeping Johnny's words between himself and the blazer he's wrinkling in his shaky, desperate grasp. 

I want i want i want… he tells the jacket's silky interior. Spills it all and lets the words sink in like the saliva on his lips leaving a dark patch on the material he has pressed against them. 

He seals the confession with a kiss, feeling childish and pathetic, but Johnny presses his face and forehead into the cool silk and it tells him he's not. 

Johnny lays on his side again, hugging the thick blazer close to his chest. He curls into it, seeking and finding warmth as he begins to drift halfway through a sound change. The tone becomes timid, questioning, and curious now. Nothing like the confident, heavy, slow, and morose chords from before. 

An experiment. In music and in coping with the inevitable. 

Johnny's sleep is dreamless this time, and he holds the blazer the whole night through rather than wearing it. 

[melto]

//

ok for the past few hours ive been able to like...actually let myself think without panicking  and stuff. but i think i really need to address the effect of unpacking my csa stuff is having on me right now. like yes ive always had a really bad relationship with the concept of guilt especially around relationships, but its extremely amplified from actually having to think about it. i dont really know how to take care of myself when its something i have been refusing to even think about since it happened. and this is only from vaguely bringing it to mention. im having a hard time separating my usual issues that i have been able to control and work on with all this stuff that feels knew. i dont know how to rationalize with it anymore because its so fowl and challenging it means i have to admit what happened to me.

its completely warping my view of myself so ive been backtracking in everything it feels like ive created these loops that just feed off each other and then i get too overwhelmed with it plus the just general bumps in my day to day life. usually when i fall back into disordered eating stuff, its on accident and its pretty easy to get myself back on track...and i think realizing that right now its not just a natural slip of oh i didnt eat a lot today so the next day my body is like wig dude but rather i am actively choosing not to eat even though im hungry because i want to control since everything seems so out of my hands right now and i feel helpless. i dont do good with not being busy all the time, and while i know that overworking myself isnt healthy it was the way i was getting through the days while i figured other stuff out. but now i do nothing all day and i cant focus and breathe or relax. the feeling of disconnect between me and everyone in my life is intensified and ive lost track of the very small amount of sense of self i had that its hard for me to talk with the few people that i did feel connected to because i dont.....ugh. im never good at explaining this stuff but the lack of roles in my life by doing things has made me feel like a shell of a person and like im empty with nothing to offer even more than before so i just. sit here. i was starting to get ok at being vunerable but now i dont know how to actually reach out again and for some reason ive managed to convinced myself yet again that i actually cant be vunerable bc its selfish and others need me to support them and honestly it had been feeling like no one even actually cared about my wellbeing when i did so i just reverted back into this weird complex. i know people dont only care about me to that if i do end up dead they dont have to feel guilty for not trying. i know its not true but it feels like it a lot.

the situation at work isnt helping with that either. i literally.....dont want to talk about that right now. ive had to think about it so much recently bc a full time staff is working on the stuff with me bc its gotten so bad...but god between that and just in general i feel so like. seen and stared at but never heard. its so frustrating but sometimes i dont think i’d listen to me either.

 its so much easier right now to just feel bad and suffer so i dont have to think about anything. but its not fair to the people around me or myself to be like that. i know i can do better and get better. and i know recovery isnt like just an easy thing and it will always have ups and downs and its a lifelong thing...

i want to be good for myself and everyone i come across. i want to grown and heal and i want to be content and maybe even happy. im usually good at being positive and hopeful but i guess ive been losing it a bit...i’d like to have it back. sure when i was up and not in the place i am presently i still had issues. i still didnt have a solid sense of myself and i still felt like i couldnt connect with people and my paranoia would get so bad that i would have meltdowns in the street thinking a mailbox is a man. i still was all fucked up from the way i was abused and rejected by family and my memory has always been so spotty that its frustrating for everyone.

but at least i hadnt let it take away the kindness or whatever. maybe im being too critical of myself. but it was something i could count on to have for myself and others. i want to start working to have it play a major role in my life again. it made me feel good, even when i wasnt in a good head place. i dont want to die no matter how much i convince myself i do. ive tried to write goodbye letters, ive sat with my meds in my hands and i just...cant. i think i want to be alive, truly. and not just out of obligation. even if thats how ive kept myself until now before.

so i think im gonna...try to figure out a better plan to take care of myself during this. like sit down and write it out and set it up so i can work to get back to the place i was and then grow from there. i’ll be good, i will...

[leviathiane]

SHOW US YOUR WROR RAW UNPROCESSED WHOLE GRAIN ORGANIC NOTES

this is going to be a long-ass post i am so sorry to Everyone! i take a lot of notes.

So, as You specifically know (as well as all of my lovely Soggers) I take a LOT of notes. Obsessively. I write fucking everything bc i have very little memory and very much paranoia. This results in literal Piles of notes. Raw planning, on paper, on my phone– doodles of scenes im brainstorming, bulletpoints, entire SCRIPTS– it’s all there but scattered (I’ve got scenes planned in the margins of my goddamn anthropology notes and deciphering it was a NIGHTMARE) 

I won’t even upload all the photos of my writing notebook, because itd be like 50 pages of illegible nonesense. but heres a couple of planning phase pages. (may be hard to read, I dropped this notebook both into some tidepools, into a creek on campus, and accidentally leaked my waterbottle onto it in my backpack :/) 

if you can’t tell already, yes they all look exactly like this. Some are even more illegible, because I wrote them with the notebook half under my actual class notes. Because i wrote most of them in class. During lectures. And pretending very badly that i was not doing exactly that. (pay attention in class please i got away with this bc i was filling up elective units) 

I’m also flat out MISSING a large portion of my notes bc some of it? isnt even in the damn notebook. its on a sheet of binder paper, or on the empty back of an assignment. I’ve now lost most of those notes, but the ones i do still have are just as (even more, actually) indecipherable chicken scratch: 

Wow, how clean and tidy and easy to follow! i am in hell. 

and this doesnt mention the PAGES and PAGES of outlines that are on my laptop, and the pages of outlined scenes that are on the notes app of my phone. if i put them all, you would have entire chapter spoilers up to the very end of the story so i cant post a lot of them– and also theres just a goddamn lot of them. currently i have 16 pages of outlining. There are no spacing breaks. It is a solid 16 page block of text. Looking at it gives me a migraine. 

some assorted notes which i have dredged up from the deleted parts of the main draft google doc go all the way back to when i started Wror in June and they are Barely more readable than my handwriting on sheer account of: articulation is not my strength. These include: 

“Ch 8 plan: sabo gets trained specially, awakens his armament haki, beats ace in a bunch of spars and proves himself to be anything but vulnerable. The boys are like “we fucking recognize that technique ryu taught you before us!!” and goad ryu into finally starting them both on basic haki training, just to awaken it, since sabo already has. Also this is the chapter that ace finally confronts ryu for his devil fruit after ryu confirms that some devil fruit users can’t be hurt without haki and ace immediately catches onto that and tries to slam his pipe through ryus head. It doesn’t work, ryu catches the weapon with a haki covered hand, to avoid turning to flame with hit and ace just gets frustrated and accuses ryu of hiding his devil fruit, because he remembers what he saw in grey terminal and that now that he has seen haki he can distinguish it from what he saw and he’s sure no one could do what ryu did. He calls ryu a hypocrite for coddling them even after telling them to stop coddling sabo and ryu has to sit them down and explain that yes he does have powers and he has been hdiing it and explains his reasoning. However instead of understanding th eboys just get fired up and say they don’t wnt to be scared of fire, especially not when it means ryu isn’t taking them seriously in a spar. Ryu finally agrees to start them on desensitization training for fire trauma. Fire desensitization training happens on the beach, so that they have water nearby in case things get out of hand. At some point ace gives ryu a considering look and is just like “if you have a devil fruit that means you can’t swim either right?” and ryu is basically just like “lmao yeah” and then ace immediately attempts to drown him. Lots of murder attempts in ace’s department toget his older brother to be less of an idiot with little success lol(extra: ace tried to attack ryu earlier both to confirm that ryu has a devil fruit that would force him to use haki to hide it, and because he now knows that he CAN’T hurt ryu without haki and as thus can’t beat him and make him admit he’s awake without being good at haki.)” [chapter 8] 

“Small sabo lost his hat and goggles in the incident and while he doesn’t remember having them future sabo notices he looks uncomfortable and keeps touching his hair and head. Ace yells at him for it thinking he bandaging are bothering him and that he can’t touch them but little sabo just comments that something about it feels wrong. Luffy blurts our that he had a hat, like luffy does, But he doesn’t now ace begrudgingly mentions that they can’t get a new one in town. Future sabo doesn’t even hesitate and just plops his own hat onto his younger selves head. It clearly too big for him, and almost falls over his eyes but he grins up at future sabo and is like “wow!! Thank you! I’ll take care of it till I have one of my own” and creates a paradox like Luffys own hat. The footsteps younger sabo has yet to fill. This HAS to happen AFTER the talk where they explain that future and past sabo are both the same person, to give little sabo that pressure.” [chapter 9]

“(Right after this older sabo takes them down to the ocean so that they can play a little and desensitize themselves and immediately fucks himself over when he goes weak in the water bc he somehow fucking forgot his own devil fruit again and now even younger sabo is on his case about not letting him near the fucking ocean that little goddamn HYPOCRITE—) )” [for chapter 9]

“Ch 9 plan: they finally leave dawn island. Starts with the boys getting a haircut after training and luffy mentions how long it’s been since they’ve last needed a haircut, giving sabo and ace time to point out that it’s been 2 months now since ryu joined them, and that sabo was completely healed by now. The boys are now aware of the basics of haki, and while luffy hasnt awakened either yet ace and sabo both have a little bit of weak armament haki. (sabo won’t awaken observational haki until he gets his memories back) ryu tries to sneak off into the city to steal a boat but his brothers refuse to leave him behind and keep sneaking out after him, not wanting him to go alone and saying that since he’s been training them they’re clearly stronger and he needs to let them do this. Ryu eventually just lets it go because why the fuck not it’s a dream and they make him feel better. They get the boat out on open ocean and finally fucking sail out, cheering loudly, ryu struggling to make them all calm down but also not really trying. He’s happy as shit, and they’re all so excited and happy and sabo dips a hand into the waves and then smiles so fucking wide and tackles ryu so violently they both nearly tip into the water and it’s just very very good. “ [also for ch 9] 

** I flat out dont Have any outlining from before chapter 6, because i only started actually outling chapters after that. i tend to just sit down and Write up until i hit a plot point or writers block and then am forced to actually think it through and plan rather than letting it come naturally. thats also why the quality and editing is better in later chapters despite everything being written within the same time frame. 

besides entire chapter outlines, there are the scene specific phone notes like:

“(ADDED) Right after they leave dawn, when sabo is sure they’ve gotten enough of a head start, he calls Garp. He doesn’t say who he is, but that all of the boys are safe and happy with him and has them all talk into the phone to assure him that they’re fine. Garp is honestly just pissed off he doesn’t know who’s calling and when he asks sabo just laughs and says a disobedient brat before hanging up. “

“(ADDED) TO EXPAND ON CH 3: sabo gets offered the chance to go with dragon, and he hesitates on the offer to go through with his previous life with the family he’s made in the revolutionary again. He almost agrees, because the bought of losing them in this lifetime is near excruciating but reminds himself swiftly that it’s no place for his brothers and not what they’d really want, and he wants selfishly to be with them as long as he Can until he “inevitably” wakes up. The boys are visibly relieved by this, especially ace. (Sabo gets asked who he is by dragon, who wants to know more about the stranger with his son, but dragon has always been quicker to make connections no one guessed and he just smiled knowingly at sabo and tells him he’s sure the other will have no trouble finding them if he’s in need. Sabo in turn warns him to keep Kuma close, and to look for a slave girl named koala.)”

I have…. many of these. I have Many of Everything. 

finally, i have scene doodles. if i hit a bad writers block it usually helps me to sketch scenes or the character designs to regain my grip on what the hell is happening in the plot– Breach of Intention has character design sketches, pakcbond has MANY scene sketches, even some of my nsfw has some sketches. my wror skecthes arent Good of course, I am an art teacher for children and that means i am more often explaining the color wheel and brush techniques over drawing perfect human replicas– and i just dont really make a lot of fanart? ive never drawn sabo before but i sure have a bunch now. i wont include close ups because they genuinely suck but heres an example pic 

So… yeah thats about everything. this is a VERY long post and yet i only included like maybe ¼ or 1/5 of all the notes i have dbskhjgfkjadns lmk if anyone wants more (or notes for my Other stories, which contain NO WHERE the same absurd amount of shit that wror does.)

[bacteriumbug]

epilogue to what i used to be

and i woke up covered in blood

and i woke up covered in blood

and i woke up covered in blood

have i woken up yet?

it’s hard to say.

how many times have i cowered in the corner of a public restroom,

staring at my reflection in the toilet bowl from a perspective that you’re never supposed to see?

who is that in the mirror?

who is that in the mirror?

who is that in the mirror?

pull the sleeve of your shirt down further.

is it you or is it me?

who am i

but a shell filled with something new every two weeks?

something that you think is right and just, something that you throw aside when you’ve changed your mind, again.

you never come up for air,

there is no air.

just two different types of  suffocation,

one smothering, squeezing the breath from your lungs,

the other filling it with something foreign and painful and terrible.

you wanted to write this poem on the back of your shopping list,

but what if they saw?

you would have had to ask for a pen

you would have had to show them what you wrote

you would have had to open up the old yet festering wound across your chest and bare your ribs, bare every inch of everything you want to hide, pass the security check else TSA might beat you again. might throw pots and pans at you again. might tell you how expensively worthless you are again. and again. and again and again and again.

is it even a metaphor if it’s so blatant to see what’s wrong?

or do you really still think you’re faking?

you wake up with blood on your hands

you wake up with blood on your hands not knowing who you are

you wake up with blood on your hands not knowing what you’ve done

you can’t even tell if it’s really blood.

you can’t even tell if it’s you who’s woken up.

oh, come on, kid.

your shitty mirror selfies can’t save you now.

i know how you always look back at them in disdain.

try and figure out why the fuck you cant breathe right now.

was it the food?

is it because you’re walking?

oh wait, right. the suffocation.

you’ve forgotten how it felt.

the pond scum is filling your lungs again.

despite and because of your best efforts,

your soft gills are now out of practice with this sort of thing.

relax. deep breath. take it like the machine youve made yourself to be.

lag behind

lag behind

lag behind

the reason you’ve always held the back of the group

is because i was afraid of my father stabbing me in the back.

isn’t that a dumb reference to one of your stupid fucking interests?

you always do that, don’t you.

make light of the hell you’ve paid.

when will you stop making jokes after your teeth have been kicked in?

after the knife that’s been left in your back time and time again undoes the stitches you’ve so painstakingly sewn in to avoid another infection?

stop using so many words.

stop saying so many things.

it’s not funny anymore

and i don’t think it’s ever been.

are you in love with fall?

or just the idea of it?

your self proclaimed favorite season always brings back the most painful memories and the absence of your presence.

you’re a masochist. i’m a masochist.

or maybe we just wanted to get everything out of the way.

keep your head on a swivel

keep your head on a swivel

keep your head on a swivel

your borderline schizophrenic father bore this into your skull.

how did you never see the paranoia?

oh.

you were a child then.

and you were sick too.

we still are.

but then, it was normal.

it wasn’t until you met people unplagued by the things you’ve felt since you were born,

it wasn’t until you told the stories you thought were funny and saw the saddened faces of your so-called friends’ reactions,

it wasn’t until you were exiled by your peers and yourself that you really understood how fucked up you were born.

an eye for an eye for an eye for an eye.

how many times have you picked at your skin wishing it was someone else’s?

you’ve never been as in touch with your feelings as I’ve wanted to be.

you’ve pressed the elevator buttons both again.

why do you keep doing that?

funny how much of a difference putting gel in your hair makes huh?

you’re here, but your mind is on the highway headed towards WalMart on a grey December night in 2016 again.

gregory and the hawk always brings you there.

the cold wasn’t so bad, at least.

it always welcomed you home from school.

have you ever had a seizure in a WalMart public restroom?

it’s been a while.

washing your hands for the 34th time today, you think to yourself what “mook” means.

i hope it’s not a slur.

at least it was a quickie this time.

that sounds stupid.

half of the people in this store are gassed up.

you wish you were one of them,

and then remember you are.

why’d you do that?

which pain are you trying to mask?

doesn’t matter.

they’re both there,

and you’re just dizzy.

i’m five years old again

and you want go through the car wash.

the immobilizing thwubs of the giant bristles flung all over the car,

of the water blasted against its shell,

was what a mother was always supposed to be.

[yvvaine]

A Meta on Madness

Here’s the thing with Targaryen madness. Most weren’t just born raving mad.  They developed it. Some as early as childhood, others well into adulthood; sometimes even instigated by some event (like the Defiance of Duskendale which affected Aerys II Targaryen’s madness). Grand Maester Phycelle even commented how Aerys had been “a good man. such a charmer....” until he became obsessed with his dreams of “fire & blood”. 

It seems that that is the commonality. Fire & Blood. And also obsession. Most of the “madness” starts out as personality traits, like unchecked outbursts and impusliveness. Some form of violence (during said outbursts) develops shortly thereafter. Mixed in is usually a god-like self-image and some personal obsession / quest. Also paranoia. Delusions and hallucinations, for the most part, dont develop all that fast. Theyre “charming good men” with hot heads, and that slowly escelates, little by little until it begins to snowball. Again, some earlier than others. 

But obsession seems to be reaccuring throught all the circumstances. 

They fixate on something (Fire & Blood, religion, beliefs, etc) and take it too far, and the more they do, the more obsessed they become, the more the ‘madness’ seems to set in. 

King Baelor the Blessed was overzealously obsessed with religion and purity, to the point that he starved himself into an early grave because he believed that food is of this world, and the material world is sinful.

Prince Aerion Brightflame, son of King Maekar and nephew of the Prince Rhaegel. Aerion killed himself drinking wildfire, believing it would turn him into a dragon.

Visery’s ‘madness’ (mostly outbursts, paranoia, and cruelty), according to Daenerys at least, was linked/instigated to a somewhat traumatic event; the selling of their mother’s crown. My guess is that he was old enough to be traumatized by the events that sent them into exhile, put all his hopes and dreams into that crown, idolized it, and losing it was kind of the final push. 

Madness ≠ Certified Crazy Person

In fact I dont even really like the term madness, because it denotes that the Targaryen in question is 24/7 insane. And dont get me wrong, some def are. But in GRRM’s world their ‘madness’ is MUCH more subtle than that. Its pathology is almost like a disease. And people can live with the most terrible diseases for quite along while and work around it/not have it effect them. As a Certified Sick Person myself, I know that particular lesson more than quite a bit of people (thanks autoimmune system!) Id say. Look at diabetes! People can live with diabetes and not have to cut their foot off or die (like the olden days) with the right amount of lifestyle and personal choices. But untreated, without proper checks and balances, symptoms get worse, other manisfate on top of one another.  To say they have the “Targaryen madness” is not a black and white issue, because their “insanity” is not as simple as : “that persons obv crazy and that persons not!!” You cant equivicate mid-story/life Daenerys with late-in-life Aerys. Its a cultivation of symptoms over years. Theyre not at equal points in their life to one another; obv shes not blinded by “KILL THEM ALL” attitudes yet. 

Early-in Life Aerys (perhaps a better parallel to Daenerys’s timeline) was: 

“...while not being the most intelligent, nor the most diligent of princes [I wonder who that sounds like? Cough Mereen] he was described as having an undeniable charm. He was generous, handsome and resolute, although somewhat quick to anger. [SOUND LIKE ANYONE. A good heart? Beautiful? Determined and passionate? SOMEWHAT quick to anger?] He was also vain, proud, and changeable, traits that made him easy prey for lickspittles and flatterers.” 

The last part is more up for debate but Dany does think quite highly of herself and is VERY proud. Shes also reminded frequently of her amazing-ness, as well as her beauty, which would bloat anyones ego. And while she realizes the difference between blatant kiss asses (“People used to tell that kind of thing to my brother”) she also prefers those that agree with her or her line of thinking and suck up to her. Shes kinder to those that fall into step and bestows greater favor on them in that moment (even when the person in the room disagreeing is a “friend”). 

“As he grew older, Aerys became increasingly jealous, suspicious and cruel, prone to furious outbursts.”

I think a lot of readers and show viewers see this increasingly “bratty” quality to her character. Even when her anger (toward the slave masters for instance) is morally and technically VERY justified (Personally I hate this POV, as I’m someone whos decided to dedicate my lifeswork to human rights law, so decidely I am not for cruel racist individuals. Moreover, I dont think many people, if there is any at all, who believe in dark!(or just a generally darker)dany are racist and pro-slavery - which is something i see stans misguidedly clapback with often in the face of criticism) her “justice” becomes all she see’s to disastrous consequences, including crucifying those that shouldnt have been.

“My father spoke out against crucifying those children. He decried it as a criminal act but was overruled. Is it justice to answer one crime with another?” - Hizdahr zo Loraq, S04E06 “The Laws of Gods and Men” on Daenerys crucifying his father because of the status he was born into.

She also seems to be developing more and more paranoia. “Betray me and I’ll burn you alive.” (obv betrayal should be punished WHEN IT HAPPENS, but like, shes already imagining scenrarios and felt the need to say something, ie paranoid). The entire beach tantrum and her turning against her ally and HAND Tyrion because she was upset at their(shared) battle failures. And while its great that she doesnt want to be the Queen of Ashes, in her right mind, in moments of anger and fustration she constantly has to be talked down from burning cities. So increasingly more worrisome. 

Shes also increasingly fixated on ‘the iron throne’. As her obsession grows....

Sorta like: Aerys in his youth. 

So while duh, shes not batshit insane like her father was right before the end of his life, people forget, her father wasnt “bad” or “mad” till his later years either. Comparing the two (her father right before he was killed and Dany now) is like comparing a seed to a flower. Same material and DNA. Same circumstances / needs the same to grow (unchecked symptoms like their anger and obsessions). But ultimately different stages in their lives, and as such different consequences and attributes. 

GA (and Stans)‘s Short-sidedness

The “Mad Dany” theory mostly comes from people woh dont neccisarily see dany as stark raving mad like Aerys Burn Them All Targaryen (i know, shocking) but rather see this similarity (past face value cough cough), and see the parrallels between young Aerys the Charming Good But Slghty Tantrum-y Tararyen with Dany now, and made educated forecasts in what that means for future-Dany based on her current arch. The same Dany who is increasingly obsessed with conquering an entire ass continent that shes held up as a symbol and put all her hopes and dreams of ‘home’ into (kinda like the way Viserys did with their mothers crown)  (also a continent that she knows nothing and hasnt bothered to learn anything about). She has no plans on creating a democracy or dispersing power to try to mitigate her faults because shes completely fucking blind to them. She plans on sitting on that uncomfortable ass stupid metal throne and being uncompromising because shes not a Politician shes a QWEEN  #fuckcompromise #fuckdiplomacy #fuckpeace #bendtheknee #ammiright :))))) Meanwhile dancing on really thin ice that could any minute crack under her, and the more it cracks the faster it makes new ones until it snowballs quickly out of hand and suddenly it snaps and kills you. Only shes queen in this scenario with two resusable nukes at her disposal so in this case its not just her but the entire country that drowns.

 Politics is a long game. We - in the real world - choose a leader who is not just best for us in the now, but who will create a better future for our children, and their children, and so on. 

Dany is not a good, stable bet. I originally meant to do a short sassy one liner about this but then I got on a soapbox and started getting all philisophical and now this could literally be my senior thesis its that long. (My apologies!) Im also know where near finished with this so this could maybe be Part One?