#man literally none of this makes sense im so sorry if for some reaosn u read this post LOL

[melto]

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ok for the past few hours ive been able to like...actually let myself think without panicking  and stuff. but i think i really need to address the effect of unpacking my csa stuff is having on me right now. like yes ive always had a really bad relationship with the concept of guilt especially around relationships, but its extremely amplified from actually having to think about it. i dont really know how to take care of myself when its something i have been refusing to even think about since it happened. and this is only from vaguely bringing it to mention. im having a hard time separating my usual issues that i have been able to control and work on with all this stuff that feels knew. i dont know how to rationalize with it anymore because its so fowl and challenging it means i have to admit what happened to me.

its completely warping my view of myself so ive been backtracking in everything it feels like ive created these loops that just feed off each other and then i get too overwhelmed with it plus the just general bumps in my day to day life. usually when i fall back into disordered eating stuff, its on accident and its pretty easy to get myself back on track...and i think realizing that right now its not just a natural slip of oh i didnt eat a lot today so the next day my body is like wig dude but rather i am actively choosing not to eat even though im hungry because i want to control since everything seems so out of my hands right now and i feel helpless. i dont do good with not being busy all the time, and while i know that overworking myself isnt healthy it was the way i was getting through the days while i figured other stuff out. but now i do nothing all day and i cant focus and breathe or relax. the feeling of disconnect between me and everyone in my life is intensified and ive lost track of the very small amount of sense of self i had that its hard for me to talk with the few people that i did feel connected to because i dont.....ugh. im never good at explaining this stuff but the lack of roles in my life by doing things has made me feel like a shell of a person and like im empty with nothing to offer even more than before so i just. sit here. i was starting to get ok at being vunerable but now i dont know how to actually reach out again and for some reason ive managed to convinced myself yet again that i actually cant be vunerable bc its selfish and others need me to support them and honestly it had been feeling like no one even actually cared about my wellbeing when i did so i just reverted back into this weird complex. i know people dont only care about me to that if i do end up dead they dont have to feel guilty for not trying. i know its not true but it feels like it a lot.

the situation at work isnt helping with that either. i literally.....dont want to talk about that right now. ive had to think about it so much recently bc a full time staff is working on the stuff with me bc its gotten so bad...but god between that and just in general i feel so like. seen and stared at but never heard. its so frustrating but sometimes i dont think i’d listen to me either.

 its so much easier right now to just feel bad and suffer so i dont have to think about anything. but its not fair to the people around me or myself to be like that. i know i can do better and get better. and i know recovery isnt like just an easy thing and it will always have ups and downs and its a lifelong thing...

i want to be good for myself and everyone i come across. i want to grown and heal and i want to be content and maybe even happy. im usually good at being positive and hopeful but i guess ive been losing it a bit...i’d like to have it back. sure when i was up and not in the place i am presently i still had issues. i still didnt have a solid sense of myself and i still felt like i couldnt connect with people and my paranoia would get so bad that i would have meltdowns in the street thinking a mailbox is a man. i still was all fucked up from the way i was abused and rejected by family and my memory has always been so spotty that its frustrating for everyone.

but at least i hadnt let it take away the kindness or whatever. maybe im being too critical of myself. but it was something i could count on to have for myself and others. i want to start working to have it play a major role in my life again. it made me feel good, even when i wasnt in a good head place. i dont want to die no matter how much i convince myself i do. ive tried to write goodbye letters, ive sat with my meds in my hands and i just...cant. i think i want to be alive, truly. and not just out of obligation. even if thats how ive kept myself until now before.

so i think im gonna...try to figure out a better plan to take care of myself during this. like sit down and write it out and set it up so i can work to get back to the place i was and then grow from there. i’ll be good, i will...