#on average like five

[crows-in-sevens]

there once was a baker, who sold cookies and cakes

who made a good profit off the treats that she bakes

and every weekday, without fail, and the weekends as well,

she’d count up the money from the goods that did sell

but one day she realised, horrified, mad,

that one of her cookies she’d sold had gone bad,

three weeks ago and she’d forgotten to bin it

and now some poor customer will have a poor stomach

‘oh no!’, she cried, ‘it’s the rude one, bad luck!’

and she knew that she’d have to call the customer back

so she tightened her jaw, silenced her inner turmoil,

but she didn’t know that her plan would soon be foiled…

the customer was gone! ‘oh, where could they be?

i must find them, apologise for the stale cookie!’

so she hunted around and she looked for some clues,

she asked those in town and learned all that they knew.

‘that man’, they all said, ‘went to go visit his nan,

but she lives ‘cross the woods where a wolf runs the land,

and this greedy old wolf, i think, have a hunch,

he took this poor man and he ate him for lunch!’

‘oh no!’ said the baker. ‘how terrible, how sad!’

but she wasn’t thinking of the now-eaten man,

she was thinking of that wolf who would now feel funny

with that old stale cookie going ‘round in his tummy!

‘i’ve got to go find him!’ she said, ‘understand,

i’ve got to go tell him to spit out that man!’

and so off she went to the forest at night,

in search of the wolf who ate a man in a bite!

she soon did discover where this wolf lived,

but in order to enter she must bring a gift.

she thought and she thought, and in the end she decided,

to bring a fresh pie at which others delighted.

the wolf crept towards her, about to chow her down,

but oh! an aroma from the bag she’d set down.

he opened it up, enticed by the smell,

and ate it all up, asked for seconds, as well!

so pleased at the gift, he was, so he spit

the man and the cookie from his giant stomach

the baker sighed in relief, the man rubbed his head

and the wolf, too, was happy, because he was well-fed.

the man then got up and said sorry to the cook,

‘i know i was rude to you before, but look,

nothing good comes out of holding petty grudges,

i’ll be better now, or my name’s not tim rogers!’

and the wolf said, ‘what is this delicious meal?

humans taste bland when compared to this meal!

the baker smiled and said, ‘that’s my own special secret,

but come to the bakery and you can have more of it!’

and the baker went home to her house ‘bove the shop,

knowing the wolf nearby would soon stop

to buy another pie, and a cupcake or two,

and the man’s now a regular at the bakery too!

and once he gave a slice to his dear old nan,

she, too, fell in love with those cookies and jams,

she hobbles through the dark woods, with no fear or pain

and if she finds the wolf, he joins on the way.

and now they all live on in harmony forever,

the wolf eats no people, he’s found something better.

the man is not rude anymore, leaves big tips,

and the baker? well, she smiles counting up her profits!

[skyblueartt]

Drawing another fckin FNAF REFERENCE on the whiteboard at my pizza place job irl

[pencildragons]

still insanely funny to me that ortus nigenad has canonically written 18 volumes of epic poetry about a bodyguard who was, in fact, Just Some Guy, and regularly quotes himself out loud in conversations on the regular. man had to die at the start of gtn because he was too fucking powerful to live

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

she begged, "I caught it. I caught it."

"No," murmurs time and the waking world. "You didn't."

[ennard-is-near]

What one week at Circus Baby’s does to a mf

Horrible picture I made in two seconds r8 don’t h8

[sagabrielle]

louis lying to daniel and saying he's only brought home/killed five men as opposed to ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY EIGHT is the funniest thing he's done do far. last ditch effort to impress this (admittedly) kind of awkward young man, and louis still deep down likes to think of himself as a catholic, so he forces himself to lie lmao Daniel is already coming home with you babe! he is already under the impression that you are some freak! living in a shit hole apartment with a fucking coffin like you don't have to make shit up

[egberts]

just saw a roadkill beaver like a few blocks from our house which is absolutely bonkers because i don't think i've ever even seen a living wild beaver before

[youkaiyume]

Hello, it's been a while since I did a rant. But WARNING for gross medical things:

SO it turns out my old nemesis the ovarian cysts have plagued me again. I found out about three weeks ago when a weird pain wouldn't leave my pelvis and went to urgent care and they suggested a CT scan. ONLY! for my insurance to deny me cuz they think I needed more probable cause for one so my doctor just recommended I go to the ER (which ironically is way more expensive for insurance to pay for than a simple CT scan but they did it to themselves lol).

Turns out I have cysts on BOTH of my ovaries FUN. But the left one is very concerningly big and probably needs to be removed but I can only do so by getting an approval of an OBGYN. So after finding one and waiting for my blood tests to come back so she can determine if she can surgically remove it--

YESTERDAY I had a SUDDEN AND SEVERE pain that hit me. I was at a solid 10 on that pain scale and vomiting and sweating so I drove myself to the ER again for the second time in two weeks. Frustratingly, the MALE doctor came back and was just like "well it looks like while we were doing your ultrasound you weren't consistently experiencing pain" which I was ready to bite his head off because let me tell you. While I was laying stretched out letting them do the ultrasound I was in the worst pain the ENTIRE time. And it was not a short ultrasound. It lasted over 20 mins and even after they asked me if I could survive sitting through the vaginal ultrasound after which would be another 25 mins. And those are painful just for the stick poking around in your yoohoo alone. I begged for pain relievers and when I described it they were like "oh that's labor level pains"

SO Mr. I don't have a Uterus doctor, DON'T TELL ME that your machine says I wasn't in pain. He even hit me with a "well I don't know what your pain tolerance is" as if to minimize or make me feel like I was overblowing what I was feeling. Like, fuck that guy. But because technically the imaging showed that the cysts haven't ruptured or caused my ovaries to twist it was considered "non emergent" and so the just gave me painkillers and then sent me home and reiterated that the only way I could get it removed at this point was to beg my OBGYN and convince her it was an emergency. In the meantime it was "oh you'll have to live with LABOR LIKE PAINS 24/7 until they let you have surgery." In the meantime they said I should only return to the ER after I've took all my pain meds and my pain doesn't improve OR if something worse happens. like a rupture.

WHICH btw are the exact same symptoms I have today so I was like how will I know cuz I can't imagine a worse pain than this one to which they were like "shrug"

I was in tears. Oh but it gets EVEN BETTER. Called my OBGYN this morning and she said my blood tests came back and that unfortunately they detected higher than usual levels of cancer markers in the cyst so that means she can't surgically remove them for me, she has to foist me to an Oncologist so THEY can remove it. She tries to say it doesn't necessarily MEAN cancer but hnnnnnggg that does not help with my anxiety at the moment.

Now calling the Oncologist to make an appointment today was a whole ordeal itself cuz their system kept going to voicemail so I had to call all the departments until they finally let me through but I had to run back to the hospital to try to get my Ultrasound discs for them. But even then they were like "your appointment isn't until next Wednesday" because THATS when the doctor meanders into work. So I'm like OH so like, in the meantime what if something happens??? And they're like well you gotta call back your OBGYN to see if you have other options. Which turns out she is also out. Until Tuesday. So I'm like. Guess I'll die then!

I don't even want kids!!! These ovaries have caused me nothing but trouble!!! Please rip them from my body!!

[sapybara]

Let's talk about Quackity being #4 most watched hispanic streamer, only behind Ibai, Auron and Spreen. Like this is the first year of Quackity being a hispanic content creator (as well as an English one!) and he not only managed to make himself known amongst the community but also ended up in the upper half of the top ten most watched, that's fucking impressive. All of this while also being an english content creator. And he's nominated in both communities for streamer of the year. Like can you dimension how much work is that? I'm so proud of him and all of the hardwork he put on the streams, I'm so excited for what's to come now that the window for spanish content has been opened

[jojo-schmo]

Hello ms bubble wizard mage maam', I was just wondering what are your thoughts on magolor regarding how he's apparently **highly aware** of all characters to ever exist in the kirbyverse

Also its become a trend where god is replaced with NOVA in the expressions... Do they know?

Ello ello!

I like Magolor a lot, but he is omniscient? That's news to me. Is there a source for that? :O Unless you're talking about that Magoverse trend I saw floating around a while back- I didn't see much but what I did encounter reminded me of all the different Sans Undertale AUs out there. Hehehe Magolor is quite versatile! What fun.

And I know people use Nova as an expletive when writing Kirby characters! It's cool!

I use profanity in real life but I personally try to not associate Kirby characters with it in the works I make. I want to diversify the vernacular of the citizens of Popstar so I made a small list of expletives I thought of, lol. They should have a variety of things to yell out when they stub their feet or an apple falls on their head! So I get randomly inspired out in the world and I make sure to write them down!

I remember seeing someone have the characters use expletives based on food, like for example, "For the love of shortcake!" or things like that. That idea's fun!! (If you are the person who had this headcanon and are reading this please tell me so I can credit you for it!)

Does anyone else have expletives/exclamations they write for Kirby characters? Please share them if you do heehee. It makes the world building feel more fleshed out and creative >:3

[oh-meow-swirls]

i think this was funnier in my head.

[nervocat]

What is little bro doing here this was my first 10 summon on the standard banner 💀💀

[viiioca]

welcome - when was it lacking? when was it extended? which of those moments lingers most strongly in their mind?

The first night in your new home, you hide in the attic.

The manor's hallways yawn like a predator's mouth. You have walked them all your life at your mother's heels like a ghost-girl, but she's gone now and you have no skirts to hide behind. There are too many eyes and too few voices. Staff once your equal – girls the same age and same lowborn breeding as you – move around you like the shadows of hunting birds. No one smiles unless it's to pity you. You feel like a rabbit caught out of cover, trapped somewhere between the den and the dinner table.

The moment you are left alone, you flee.

You know your way around the manor's hollows, as intimate to you as the heart lines criss-crossing your palms. You wedge yourself into a crawlspace – nearly too small now for your growing bones – and emerge in a cramped storage room made warm by the bare stone of a chimney. You played here with dolls, once.  In the cold and the dust and the dim lantern-light, you finally feel like you can breathe. You want to sleep here on the hardwood. You want to stay here until the house forgets you exist within it like some transplanted organ awaiting rejection.

A bell or two passes before the short hatch of a door scrapes open. In comes the sound of breathing, the knocking of knees and elbows awkwardly clambering into your hiding spot. You watch a set of cramped limbs unfold into an elezen boy hauling an oil lamp in one hand and a bag much too big for him in another.

"There you are," Verain says. Verain who grew up in this world half-shared with you, three years your elder and still a fulm shorter, ever-waiting for his growth spurt; Verain who could not possibly be less like his mother, save for his black hair and quick tongue. He drops next to you like a sack of laundry, leg bumping leg. "You weren't at dinner."

"I wasn't hungry," you say. You do not say that your stomach has been full of stones since it happened. You do not say that everything tastes like smoke.

"Thought as much." He pulls a lumpy tea towel out of the bag and unrolls it atop your thigh, revealing a traveler's meal: flaky bread and butter and apple jam, a slim wedge of soft cheese, a fistful of proud red grapes. "It's not much, but. You know."

He waves his hand. You know.

"Oh, and the cook sent this too." He retrieves a glass bottle wrapped in another tea towel; you can feel its warmth. Mulled wine. They water it down in the kitchen for children, you know, because you are not old enough for the proper strength, but it's comfortable and familiar like a bedtime story. He pours some into a mug and offers it like a pilgrim leaves coins at a waypoint. 

"Thank you," you say, gingerly taking the mug. Heat passes through the tips of your fingers, into your palms, up your wrists. The first sip is tentative, spicy-sweet, unsure that your body will not reject it and you will retch his kindness all over the attic floor – but it makes it down your throat and doesn't come back up. 

Progress is progress. Calm is calm.

"I'm sorry," Verain says quietly, small hands on the cold skin of your knuckles. No shortage of people have said this to you – but this, your churning insides say, is real. You believe him. The corners of your mouth manage a smile, and he smiles at you in turn.

You drink your wine and sit quietly with your soon-to-be brother until the lanterns dim and you drift off to sleep next to him, slumping, head on his shoulder. 

There's not much else you could ask for, in the end.

[sysig]

Old habits die hard all the way around (Patreon)

[authenticaussie]

Anyway so I had blood test results today.

And my doctor looked at them and went. Oh. 😰 Hm.

This is a new doctor. So I immediately knew what he was looking at (my iron levels are horrendous) but the follow up was after we discussed that I take iron and b12 every day he goes:

Doctor: Well I like making this fun! The maximum level for b12 is 800 :) and the average is 400!

Me: uh. Okay? Am I. Low?

Doctor: Yes. You are :) low. This is the fun bit. :) You are 127!

Me: I'm not even half of half??

Doctor: Yes! :)

Me: That's so bad.

Doctor: It is not great! There is another one too. That you are also low in.

Me: 😰😰 yes?

Doctor: The maximum for that one is 150! And the average is normally 50-80.

Me: lmao and what am I, fucking five?

Doctor: Seven! :)

Me:

[robotlesbianjavert]

can't wait to listen to ryō iwasaki's sickened voice when he sees shigaraki on the floor in s7 (and tbh I can't understand how an anime is as popular as my hero has such a mediocre adaptation) (this has nothing to do with my saltiness towards spinner's reduced screentime ofc)

ryo iwasaki is THEE spinner understander he is going to milk every goddamn line he's allowed by the cruel anime producers who keep trying to deny him his spinner nutrients. we need a spinner-centric movie so that iwasaki can just go fuckin crazy !!!