#on a day where I feel up to it 🙃
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Jesse in Darling garb (sans lab coat) one of Darling’s concept outfits had this cute tan jacket…
#jesse faden#remedy control#my art#it’s practice#half attempted line art XD#I gave up on the bottom half#there is another half of this…#the Darling in Jesse’s street clothes outfit#on a day where I feel up to it 🙃
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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fictalkfictalkfictalk
#like the clown i am i spent half the night awake trying to come up with a way to make the olli/allu modern-day royalty AU work out#my first idea was to try and make it similar to my college AU with POV chapters and shit#but i quickly realised it wouldn't work out for the same reason i'm still struggling with the gran hotel AU:#unlike with the college AU i don't have a clear character arch for everyone#e.g. i can't for the life of me think of a way to link the joel/niko side plot to the main plot to make it make sense#and idk what joonas' role would be other than to occasionally hook up with olli and fangirl about aleksi and pine for joel#soooooo it thought i could instead make it a series of shorter stories? if anyone out there is seriosly interested in reading this AU? 👉👈#like. the first one would obviously have to be a little longer since it's the establishment for the whole AU#so far i have an outline for a 6-chapter story from olli's and allu's povs. basically just them getting together#and the rest of what i have planned for the AU would be standalones or shorter establishments?#because if i were to include EVERYTHING in one fic it would most likely end up being +20 chapters lol#and no way in hell would i have the patience for that 💀#that way i could just time-jump to the scenes i want to write the most lol#instead of having to try and weave them together to form a longer coherent plot#i mean i looooooooove slow burn and all that but i don't want to overwhelm myself by starting to write something#only to realise 32k words later that i have no idea where i'm going with it D:#(my ski jumping rpf fic says hi 🙃)#but by writing individual shorter stories it would be much easier for me to handle the plot while also advancing it#because the storyline in my head is so extensive that i feel like i can't fit it all in just one fic#at least in a way that i would be satisfied with 😭#i can make them get together in 6 chapters with no trouble#but for them to actually form a secure relationship and get messed up in all that tabloid drama and face the prejudice of the royal family#until eventually getting their happy ending? yeah nope. gonna need at least 20 chapters for that lmao#and if i wanted to advance all the sideplots on top of all that? yeah nope ��#with individual stories i could just write all the joonas/tommi and niko/joel (and unrequited j/j) as spin-offs! yay problem solved! 😇#pls don't get your hopes up though lol i may love planning fics but writing is another story entirely 😂#but yeah. watch this space?#or maybe i'll just continue writing random pointless olli/allu standalones whenever i get a burst of inspiration. we'll see 👀
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Btw, re: my opinion that computers are not gonna be able to translate sign languages in our lifetime, it's not that sign languages are necessarily More complicated than spoken/written languages (I truly don't know how you'd measure that but I'd assume they're equally complicated). But video is, in terms of sheer data, much bigger and presumably harder to process than audio. I cannot imagine this happening without *astounding* computational resources which would take far more energy, water, and money than a human interpreter (and, more importantly, wouldn't work as well, at least for the foreseeable future). I assume the computation would happen off site in most cases if it did work, meaning the Internet connection is gonna need to be phenomenal (there is already widespread dissatisfaction with VRS human interpreters used in medical settings because half the time the connection drops). Speech to text, with all the issues it still has, seems like a breeze in comparison to 'understanding' a video.
I also cannot wrap my mind around how a machine would handle depictions. Like, with some practice behind me, my human mind is now able to understand (some) depictions I've never seen before (thank goodness, because there will ALWAYS be new depictions I haven't seen before, bc Deaf people are resourceful and creative), but I don't see how a machine would. That's pure sci fi to me. I also wouldn't expect a machine to do a good job translating stuff it's never heard before in a spoken language (e.g. wordplay, or the way you can sometimes tell the meaning of a new slang word from context, or an uncommon name even), but the thing is I think depiction is a much bigger part of daily life than wordplay is?
#Just wanted to clarify I wasn't like being weird and elevating signed languages above spoken#or i mean. if i still am let me know. it's true that ASL seems more complicated to me than English#but i try to recognize and work around that bias#like of course my native language doesn't seem complicated *to me*. i get that#anyway. I also don't know anything about the tech involved so by all means take me with a grain of salt#But this truly feels like common sense to me#If you time traveled me to the year 2080 and I saw a machine accurately translating ASL into English#My first thought would be 'which ocean is being drained for this right now'#And then 'wtf is the sheer size of this program + the database it's working off of'#I think it's cool to study this stuff. Don't get me wrong. But I don't think we should kid ourselves#It's not gonna be practical anytime soon#All that's without even considering the reverse of translating a spoken language back into a signed language#i think because human interpreters aren't perfect (because the job is hard!!) there could certainly be a temptation#to think that machines could be better than humans one day#but man. do you know what would be a better use of resources for the time being?#supporting hearing and especially Deaf interpreters in their studies and jobs#turns out a great way to improve a human's performance is to give them a teammate#we don't have to jump straight to replacing them with a machine#for anyone who doesn't know: if a particular job requires deep understanding of Deaf culture & deafness & the Deaf community#a hearing interpreter can team up with a Deaf interpreter for much better results#like the Deaf interpreter can interpret the hearing interpreter's signing into signing the Deaf client can understand better#and vice versa#anyway. it makes sense people are excited about machines. but can we stop going around saying 'hey AI is gonna take your job'#for jobs that we don't even understand 🙃#this is where y'all find out that this whole wall of text is directed at a guy who said that to my husband
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every once in awhile i have a flashback so bad it triggers a seizure & nobody really knows why
#i am so fucking tired#and so fucking done#i would rather die than go in tomorrow but that's not an option anymore so fuck#the flashbacks have been constant for as long as i can remember but it's been awhile since they've been at this intensity for this long#i used to think i didn't have ptsd because i didn't have flashbacks until i learned that always feeling like it's happening again is indeed#a flashback#it's just not so isolated for me#so i'm like??? i should be able to deal with this. i'm used to it. pretty much every second of every day my body feels like i'm being#raped and tortured and beat and literally getting drilled in the bone i should be used to this#but it's so much it's so heavy there's no way out i cant do it#but i have to there's no other option except not get surgery which is not really an option :/#cause the pain from the bone is right where their cocks were 🙃 so that's been it's own special form of hell#and now i have to let someone cut me open there 🙃 and i cant be under general anesthesia 🙃#oh yeah and ITS EXAFTLY FUCKING LIKE THAT DOCTOR THAT ASSAULTED ME WHEN I WAS A FUCKING TODDLER COMING OUT OF SURGERY#fuck dude#sometimes i think maybe if it only happened once i'd be okay#ive lost track but i think we're up in triple digits at this point :/#not including the constant stuff in childhood#fuck no wonder i kept trying to kill myself jesus fucking christ#i'm so fucking scared#i'm so ready for all this to be over#it's been years of pain and this whole last month where it's become much more acute and all this visits and i cant take any more#we are at Capacity#we're splitting like hell already#fucking entire new subsystems fuck#fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today is an IBS flare day and I'm regretting all of my life decisions
#IBS#I always get overconfident when I haven't had bad symptoms in a while#'I haven't eaten this type of food in a few days so having it now won't hurt'#'Yeah this medicine isn't good for my stomach but I'm not feeling well so just one pill won't irritate my stomach'#:')#if my life was a show this would be the part where the laugh track goes off at how irresponsible I am#I really need to be more careful with what I eat#and manage my pain without meds that will just hurt my stomach more#OH and the freaking 3 cups of coffee I had today since my brain wasn't wanting to work#I'm not supposed to have that much coffee for like... 3 different health conditions I have going on#including tachycardia and a history of arrhythmia#it feels like I'm always sick and then I try to “fix” it by making myself a different type of sick 🙃#I feel so unwell right now#I guess it's a wake up call to take better care of myself but I'm so terrible at it#honestly it's a miracle I've been sleeping semi normally these days#but everything else feels damn near impossible#my stomach is so sensitive#ughhhhhhh
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okay, day two of living at my in-laws for two months
slept most of the day again
my brain is too tired to do maths but that's a lot of hours of sleep in the last two days
unfortunately I'm never fully asleep because of the cats but hopefully I'll get used to it
finally managed to set up my PC and eventually remembered what I needed to do to make Jellyfin work again. so now I can finally watch my stupid shows again
(seriously the worst part so far has been not being able to watch my little fictional idiots do stupid things. I already feel so out of place, I need them 😭)
I miss my things.
I'm still very tired.
I want to go home.
#but home does not exist rn#I hate it#very very bad feeling#honestly.. I might just keep sleeping like 20 hours a day for as long as I can... that way the 2 months will be over quicker...#I really really hate this#also there's lots of things that I wanted to bring here with me that other people ended up putting in boxes so now I don't know where they#are#the worst one is... all my bras/bralettes are in the same ikea bag I think... but it's not with the other ones up here.... so HOPEFULLY tha#means it's in the garage (and not our storage unit)#but. as long as I don't have a bra...... I do not feel okay leaving the room. so I haven't gone further than the bathroom since I got here.#(my friend suggested ordering new ones so I did that & they'll arrive tomorrow. good. because damn I do not feel comfortable like this 🙃)#anyway I feel not great! :)#personal
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Feeling like everything has been put on pause ever since the wedding, everything leading up to it was so stressful I had forgotten how to both enjoy my own company, and how to do things that I like for me myself and I.
I've only been drawing shit for work lately! It's all very specific crap too, as much as I might like the finished piece, none of it feels like it's mine or was made for my own enjoyment, and that was the best part of everything Ive ever made. And it HONESTLY doesn't feel like I've made anything personal that was also fun since two tamersona weeks ago when I was doing the full background drawings
I know I can still do that level, it's in me, I just haven't Drawn anything that much that my arm isn't used to the movements anymore
feels too overwhelming to have to build it back up again
Overwhelming is actually the right word here bc my room is the biggest constant mess I've ever had it be, my cars trunk is even worse, it feels like I have so much to do (AND I DO)
#GENUINELY it feels like ive been paralyzed with art since the melanoma scare 🙃🙃🙃#i keep saying i miss drawing and i eant to draw again but ill get rare free time days and hours and I'm too actually scared to do it#''i want to change that and go back to the old me!!!'' i say knowing full well by tomorrow im either gonna be too busy or too scared again#SIGHHHHHH its 1am i have to be up at 8am should sleep#*pretends to lie down in the park where its nice and sunny*#*AND I CAN WEAR A SHORT SLEEVE SHIRT/TANK TOP OUTSIDE IN THE SUMMER AGAIN WITHOUT PROTECTION BECAUSE EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE ILL BE OKAY*#:'))))))#lizmet#bitchin bout life 2k23
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I raised my voice at my man on then phone and he hit me with the who are you talking to?
And big bad me continued with the acting up and he said what is going on ... are you acting up because you're getting no dick?
... I think yes 😭😆
#two and a half weeks is long af#LOL tb to the days before him where it was like months/years baaaaahahaha#im gunna get drapped up i can feel it 🙃#mine
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told my mom earlier that i’ve been intentionally filling up my time socially because i’m scared of having alone time bc the past few times i’ve given myself alone time i end up constantly thinking about being single and my whole shitty break up and i get really sad and angry to the point where i don’t want to leave my couch to eat or piss and she was like “that was a month ago now you’ll be fine you need to rest” and like objectively i know she’s right but also. i was also right.
#like genuinely i’m happy with where my life is at in terms of my career/school is going well#and i have my friends back in town which has been lovely#but like. for a solid three months i did not think i would be single right now. and by god i do not miss my shitty ex#but small things will continue to remind me of him even though i don’t want to think about him#and i am also constantly white elephanting myself by being like ‘oh you haven’t thought about him today! nice!’ and then thinking about him#but even then when i say thinking about him it’s more just being angry at what he did or missing being physically affectionate with someone#and that doesn’t have to be him#but oh my god do i miss being physically affectionate with someone. holy shit.#i did not understand the appeal of kissing before but by god do i now. and i have NO ONE to do it with#all of my best friends are in long term committed monogamous relationships. literally all of them#and i’ve already disastrously fucked up the dating a friend of a friend thing so i doubt anyone will want to recommend anyone to me now#the two guys i had the idea of trying to flirt with are both entirely unavailable#so i quite literally have zero prospects and no idea of where to find new ones bc the day i get on a dating app is the day that hell freezes#and i just feel so fucking lonely dude 🙃🙃#and i also feel very behind because all of my close friends are in committed relationships and i’ve never experienced that#even tho i want to so badly#i just. idk#anyway vent over#mari is irrelevant
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had a very weird dream the place I worked was in the marine exploration industry and I was presenting a review of a deep sea probe we were retiring and then woke up extremely abruptly bc my body started digging my uterus out with a million tiny blunt spoons YOWIEEEEOWWW
#fuckinghellllll this pain is smth else entirely. trying to be normal abt it bc its 2am and im so tired please let me go back to sleep#filled a hot water bottle so now we wait for that to do its thing and ill take some ibuprofen#ohhhhh just realised i only have 3 ibuprofen capsules left. and a full day of work in 6 hours... chuckles. im in danger ahahaa#fuck me okay ill get up half an hour earlier and go to tesco before i get my bus i think it opens 7am so should just be able to make it#i take it back abt that organ post can i get my reproductive system removed 🥹🥹🥹🥹#it has no right being this bad im not in FUCKING labour GET A GRIP!!!!!#grabbing my tubes and shaking them and shaking them and yanking them out#swear i had more ibuprofen than this where the fuck is it.#so annoying the premier near my work doesnt open until 8:15 bc thats exactly when my shift starts 🙃🙃🙃🙃#wait maybe theres a tesco nearby nvm nah just google mapsed and its barren around there#so i have to go before i get my bus. okay okay thats fine. setting my alarm for 6am. its that or killing myself#it has been. half an hour now is it going to lessen!!!!!!#JUST FOUND ANOTHER PACK IN MY BAG BUT ITS EMPTY THIS IS SO CRUEL......#okay. sorry this is so disjointed im clawjnf at the walls and then i come bacm and type another tag and then i claw some more#im gonna refill my hot water bottle and please let me sleep please i cant do work on so little and also in so much pain#jesus ill see how i feel when i wake up again maybe i should call in sick#so devastating i cant take codeine on these meds bc that was the only thing that helped :-( i need to ask if there are alternatives#or maybe i should go med free while im on my period so i can take it. but idk how long it has to be out of my system to be safe#and i dont want withdrawal ughhhhhh#hate usinf a hot water bottle during the summer its too warm for this. miserable. wait i should dm my flatmate if she can spare a little#ik n she might need it to take on holiday but just enohgh for today would be so good wah#and then i dont have to leave.so super early#okay ill do that then putting phone down so i can try sleeping even with pain pleaseplease#goodnight :-(#.diaries
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random assortment of drawings i might as well post
#scribbles#ocposting#furry tag#gif#eyestrain#bright colors#mother series#the gifs showing up kinda weird i think thats just a thing on my end though#have noticed it happens a lot for me w transparent gifs on here. idk#gif was for a dta thingy btw uhhh#‘cowcheese’ thing is for my sisters weezer parody where theyre rats nd instead called cheezer#words on the one on its right are lyrics frm heres to you by zebrahead cuz it was stuck in my head..#oh also the middle drawing on the first row of three was color picked frm the cover of phoenix also by zebrahead#first drawing i just made cuz i was messing w preset brushes nd thought itd be funny#long one w the four characters is.. little goody two shoes characters But Furries . lol#oh the one left of the cheezer thing was smthn i drew in class w my friends prisma colors instead of working on my actual art project#actually started that now its driving me crazy cuz i made like a million versions of the sketch messinf w the composition#and im still not sure entirely what i do and dont wanna include and also the actual paper im doing my final on isnt like. wide enough to fi#things in nicely 💔💔💔 also i never planned out colors like an idiot so im making that up as i go and avoiding it a lot aghhghh#giegue drawings are honestly just here cuz i think hes funny#sorry for the paragraph of tags i love talking abt things#uhhhmhmmh i kinda hate postint stuff most places online now ngl#i have so much more art i COULD post but it just feels weird idk#no one really interacts w my stuff much anymore anyways like idk <- this is jot me fishing for pity or disregarding anyone who does leave#nice comments i appreciate that stuff SO mucu it means the world to me. i just dont feel super strongly abt posting shit anymore i feel lik#i have much better peace of mind just leaving things to myself sometimes#as much as i like sharing things it just hasnt been convenient lately and also ive just been getting like.. very paranoid abt a lot of#things over these past years and the constant posting everything o. tumblr thing didnt help much#🙃 okay ill stop rambling now have a nice day
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#personal#really trying not to be bitter about how today was supposed to be the last full day of my vacation#where I hung out with ppl I really liked in a national park and hiked/had a fun picnic as a sendoff for finally getting to see them offline#and instead I was at work. serving ppl pizza bc our kitchen staff couldn't come in. dealing with the temps dropping down to sub 40s#like in isolation today really was a chill day I feel good. but in comparison it's just 🥲🙃#but whatever#things shook out how they did and there's nothing I can do about it now#this damn situation fucked up my entire march I will not continue brooding through the rest of april#I'm gonna play cyberpunk with friends tomorrow. have tentative plans to hang out with another friend next week#folks at work are happy to see me back and despite it all I had a good vacation#people who know me like me! so there!
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#yall im having a wild time lately#Saturday was really good- grandma is doing better so I ended up going to the beach for the day after all#had a really good day; I saw a bald eagle and dolphins + found a huge whelk and the bay sunset was beautiful#had the ride home from hell tho#took twice as long to get back because road work + detours + google maps fuckery while trying to find a gas station#we also almost hit a deer and like I live in PA who hasn’t almost hit a deer#but I have never been so close#he leaped out in front of us on the highway and froze#my husband was driving and omg reaction time#he slammed the brakes and I was like there’s no way#either we’re hitting the deer or the car behind us is hitting us or both#we stopped just a couple feet away from it#luckiest deer alive- he snapped out of it and looked at my husband then looked at me and then ran off#shoutout to the car behind us too- they swerved and did not hit us#but yeah he was a big buck and def would have not only totaled my car but gone through the windshield on the passenger side where I was#we got very lucky and so did he#but now I’m sick and I feel like crap#which perfect timing because we have a huge visit tomorrow and the stockroom is a mess#i was dying today cause I gotta lift all the furniture and shit#I literally came home and passed out for five hours and I still feel like I could just go right back to sleep#also I had a video interview last week and they said they wanted to bring me in for an in person interview#and like it’s at a really good company and it pays well and has good benefits#but now I havent heard back#so like watch me get ghosted again 🙃#I emailed them today so hopefully I hear back but I’m not holding my breath#I need everything to not be so much for a bit#Saturday was good but now things are crazy again
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#so my grandma died#its ok bc shes been sorta fading for a while we knew it was coming sooner rather than later#the aide said she was talking to my grandpa last night and hes been dead since 2014#and its nice to think that he came to come pick her up#funerals are always weird bc were not a very dramtically emotional family so its a lot of talking about the details#what hymns she wanted where the repasse should be what food theyll be serving what were all wearing#and its funny bc my grandma was a penultimately particular woman who wrote down precisely what she wanted done#down to the shoes she wants to be buried in as if anyone is going to see her feet#but GOD forbid she walks through the pearly gates BAREFOOT she could never#she died in the middle of the night and my dad joked that she probably did that so it wouldnt be a big scene in the middle of the day#when they came to take her body from the house#and on one hand like dad that is your MOTHER#but also objectively hes probs not wrong she would have hated a big scene in the middle of the day with neighbors watching#and i gotta request time off work and im asking my managers how i submit the request and i dont wanna say SORRY bc like its my dead grandma#but also ya i was supposed to be training a new girl this week at work 🙃#like obviously were all really sad but theres so much to get done that you end up discussing all the details#shes def in a better place like i do believe shes with my grandpa again and she went peacefully and thats very much a blessing#but i have no idea what im gonna wear to this thing#and that feels like a dumb thing to fixate on! but alas#here we are
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