#okay venting aside
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I'm so sorry I'm in such art slump and not posting my own content, I actually want to draw but I spend all my days buried with work like
#remember i said i was going to quit my job? well-#i'm battling with that idea again orz#so i am now stressing over work again fellas 👍#but i stay silly :3#i'm so close to tell everyone to suck my non existent dick really#well- almost everyone.#okay venting aside#reminder that I love BAT very much 🫶💜#ramblings#i might delete this idk i just felt like i needed to say that#yeah i'm alive but also at what cost (?)#btw i'm hungry so maybe this anger will face as soon as i eat don't take it too seriously lol#fade* lol#not yen yen bill i run this city brruh yet guys#gosh i wish
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you can always tell the people who give social media advice who are naturally or conventionally attractive even without even having to look at a photo of them cause they're always the ones that recommend showing your face in reels or videos to promote your art and it's like,,, talk about pretty/skinny privilege lol
#it's one of those days folks#brb going on an extreme diet (jk but not really)#okay but really. all jokes aside Even if I WAS thin or lost a bunch of weight...#I'm still just fundamentally unattractive enough that I think i would lose insta followers if I showed my face in reels or posts 🥲#idk I know it's better for the algorithm but eh. i don't want to subject my subscribers to having to look at me lol#and I would wear makeup but I'm so bad at putting it on that I look worse with it on 😭😂#If i was good at make up i legit wouldn't leave the house without it#that said. i do have decent skin health 🤔 I get like. less than 1 pimple a year IF that. So that's something to be grateful for i suppose#but if a genie offered me a chance to be pretty for ONE day but in exchange I had to give up ALL my talents. interests. personality. etc#and i could never get those aspects of myself back for the rest of my life...#I would 100% take up that opportunity LOL 👍#anyway feel free to ignore me I'm not looking for compliments (I don't think anyone on here even knows what i look like?)#(which is by design lol and trust me. be grateful you don't have to look at my face haha)#I'm just venting into the void bc a mutual on insta did a reel where she showed her face and I was like#*shocked pikachu face* oh she's pretty#oh. oh so THAT's why i never should show my face. I'm pretty toad-like in comparison 😂
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one piece is crazy fr like what do you mean you’re following up Everyone’s Dead™️ with Objectifying Women: The Arc™️
#bruh :/#im bout to vent cause im mad about it rn sorry#op fans there are many good elements to your series outside of this and i love u sorry im about to talk shit about it#pls abandon ship now and stop reading my tags to avoid if you want#anyway#once i put a certain amount of time into something i usually commit to finishing it#but this arc is like 👌 this close to making me abandon the whole series like wtf is this#i know i KNOW sexist shit is like practically unavoidable in anime but this is a LOT jesus christ#i want to punch a WALL#like wtf do you think women ARE#i want to attack and kill#everyone who has ever told me that naruto is worse than one piece about women owes me 500 dollars rn#like it’s BAD and i would have been mad about this either way#but i think im extra salty because ive had SO many people praise one piece women at me#and i was like doubtful cause ya know LOOK at them#but i LISTENED because everyone was so insistent the women are good and it’s not bad with that kinda thing#which was a BETRAYAL because seriously wtf is this😤#ughhhhh i CANT watch this HOW am i supposed to watch this#why do i have to watch the creepy island of women cluelessly mess with unconscious mans dick trope i canttttttttt#the answer is i DONT have to watch it and i want to STOP#how are yall watching this i still havent even forgiven thriller barks invisible man nami bath scene#like yall i canttttttttt#my ‘fiction that treats women like shit’ tolerance is too low for this#ughhh really at a loss here because so much time already committed and i was enjoying it aside from this#but i really CANNOT keep watching if the bar gets any lower and idk if it even CAN get lower#sorry sorry okay vent over this just#REALLY pissed me off#cause it kinda blindsided me i think
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aroace joy vs aroace loneliness fight
#im saying that as someone who IS aroace if this ends up in discourse territory somehow#sometimes i think it's some form of internalized arophobia and it probably is a little at least#but i just feel so wrong and lonely thinking about the future#because i love the idea of being in love (as one can tell) but i just don't love people like that#and aside from any other self worth and confidence issues involved in obtaining a partner it just seems unfair to them you know#that id never be able to love them in that way#before anyone says qpr i am WELL AWARE!!! but then we go back to the Other Issues#besides its so easy to find other aros online but irl nobody really understands#so its kinda hopeless#ive always wanted to get married and have kids of my own !!! like genuinely i love the idea of it#but i doubt id ever find someone who would like#want to be a secret 3rd thing with me and get platonically married and raise kids or smth#and then theres the whole thing about me probably not being a good parent or being able to even afford to have kids so like. GRGRRARARSRR#cant win#ive accepted the fact im gonna be alone but it doesn't make it any happier. it feels like theres something wrong with me you know#but on the other hand i love being aroace its such an integral part me??#and it makes me so happy to be apart of the community and to know its okay#that there are people who understand the Lack#and even in the specific ways i do!!!#so its like so. aughhghhghh#saying this feels like a betrayal because i know theres nothing wrong with not#finding love. i heavily criticize the idea that people need love in their life to be fulfilled.#i feel like im wrong on both ends. to want it AND not feel it#personal posts and stuff idk#cw vent#aethers rants#sorry to be a party pooper i think its getting a bit cloudy and its getting to me
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So i got my firsr surge of a 9-ish maybe 9.5 pain spikes 🥳🥳🥳 yey yipee
This must be just my brain making shit up tho
Im sure of it
A doc told me afterall 🙃🙃🙃
#tw medical abuse#chronic pain#tw pain#okay jokes aside im fine(ish)#like it still hurts but thankfully it stabilised at a 3-4 after a while#but like#NO WAY#my brains making this up#about me#vent post
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Did you know? Studies show 90% of abused children quit right before they become the perfect vessel for a child of what they believe their parents will actually love. KEEP DESTROYING WHO YOU ARE FOR A MEANINGLESS CAUSE!
#luly talks#you know its fucked when you make a post thinking of yourself AND harry osborn#that's worse than harry dubois tags for me#anyway my beautiful step son aside uh. yeah 1) this is ok to rb but 2) this is actually a bit of a vent#because obviously me before but also bc talking w my therapist recently she was like... trying to get me to think of positives of my mother#so i'd consider reconnecting w her#and its so mental?#like woman i had to be kicked out of that house because even when i was about to kill myself to escape i wasnt willing to leave#nothing will fade the scars that my gripping claws left on that house as i was dragged away#i spent the last FOUR FUCKING YEARS trying to recover and come to terms with the fact my mother will never love me#and that there's nothing i can do to make her change#(which is what i tried to do for the previous 16 years of my life)#only for you to be like okay but what if she did like you this time?#WOMAN I HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER BE FOR FUCKING REAL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i love studying childbirth because it just reaffirms my resolve to never ever do that ever ever ever
#PUTTING ASIDE the fact that the idea of being somebody's “wife” or even worse.. “mother” makes me feel physically nauseous#the physiological changes are really something to behold. like it's obvious but then it gets so much worse the more you learn#i think im doing everyone and myself a favour because there is no way in hell i'd be a good parent. and also what's the point of carrying#some man's child if he IS inevitably going to leave me/us. like hellooooo#(aside: BEAR WITH MY TRAUMATIZED ASS FOR A MINUTE!!! LET ME VENT MY DISILLUSIONMENT)#no like LMFAO i aint putting myself and another hypothetical life form through 1) the inevitable bloody divorce#2) MY assured parental incompetence 3) DO I REALLY WANT TO CONTINUE THIS FUCKING CYCLE.#i will be the one to break this shitty cycle but not in the way my family expects!! CAN'T LOSE THE GAME IF YOU NEVER PLAY#it all boils down to 1) i have no faith in men and 2) i have faith in MYSELF that i will be better off.. not doing all that business#and honestly? i have made my peace with it all#more or less. okay sure every once in a while it makes me white knuckle empty air (symbolizing of course the “what could have been”) BUT#it's a real difficult choice that is ultimately For The Best. bless 🫶
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*slacks on actively managing my lifelong mental illness and lets things get completely out of control while hiding the extent of it*
*symptoms get worse to the point of causing negative health consequences*
Hmm, how could this have happened? A mystery...
#this is about ocd#this moment is a new moment tho and such is life i did better before i can again but. 🤡#sleep issues aside my doctor got frustated with me. my partner called me out and his patience is low because i wont go back to therapy#still this time i was like i will try to actively do the work again i let it get this bad i know i did nothing so of course it spiraled#to this point#if that doesnt work? okay maybe. maybe i will consider.#because i actually am low key putting my life at risk with one of the rituals and that is so fucking stupid#actually typing it out and admitting it while embarrassing is kinda helpful. like yeah. what. that is insane lue. you need to do the work.#jesus christ 😔#-pers#-vent
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guys :3
i saw friends
#i also had a panic attack at work but we’re not gonna talk about that aside from the fact that the phone started ringing as i was panicking#and my boss was on a DIFFERENT phone talking to her girlfriend and so i had to answer it and couldn’t talk#it’s definitely not healthy#but i saw friends !!#and nobody cares but we went on a drive and saw this amazing moon at the beach !#and then i saw a racoon while driving home !!#people exist guys !! people are real and they like me !!!!!#sorry#i just like these friends a lot#i didn’t think these would be the friends i’d have but sometimes life just works out like that and i love them#and i love that im in the monkees community and have friends on here too it’s so hard for me to make friends in real life and online#but i’m here and im fine !#this summer has been a lot what with family stuff but i’m here and i can drive my car to walmart and my friend wants to come to the#bookstore and see me tomorrow !!#okay goodnight goodnight i’m sorry if u read through all of this i just need to vent a bit because im feeling still all woozy but i know#there’s good stuff going for me#like the mike nesmith CDs in my car hehehe
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oopsy doopsy, i just dropped a huge chunk of the #cool people's art posts into the trash, oh well 🤷
#not art#okay but joking aside. some bad shit went down tonight about someone so i had to do some blog cleaning#not going to go into detail about this because headass. i don't use tumblr to vent about stuff like this in any huge detail#but if you wonder where the hell a bunch of the art in those tags went. that's what happened#if you really really want to know the tldr. idk ask me via private messages or something#oh yeah. there's also more posts on my blog about this guy. but they're drawing requests i can't exact detatch his name from w/o deleting#and i don't want to get rid of a bunch of my own art. so yeah there's that#okay. enough ranting. also no reblogging you sillyheads.
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For fuck’s sake I can finally watch the 1.9 stream vod after all that I’ve been through today
Timezones’ a fckin bitch sometimes I am this close
I am THIS FUCKING CLOSE TO HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN RN
#slight vent#(?)#no but seriously#like seriously#my emotional wellbeing is dying in a ditch rn#i feel dead#shrivelled up even#keep me sane y’all pls pls pls pls pls#do something#do anything I’m not okay#like jokes aside#I might need to just bawl for a moment#give me sec#just me and my brain juices
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#need to take a breather from bluey for a sec#uh. yeah#don't know if the writers are implying what i think they're implying but either way um. that moment in 'The Show' was a lot. for me#so um. yeah gotta take a breather for a sec#don't know why I'm writing this on Tumblr and I'll probably end up deleting this really quick#i just don't really have anybody irl to talk to about this stuff aside from one person who's not available atm#so um. i don't know i just need to like write out something to get these feelings out and once I'm chill again I'll delete this#just have to get this pit in my stomach out somehow and i can't do it irl so I'm just writing this for a second and then deleting it#but uh yeah. uh#yeah#my heart fucking dropped dude like i still feel like my blood ran cold. i gotta fucking lay down#the thing that happened in the show was like Not A Big Thing don't get me wrong okay#it's just like. a very very very very very very very very personal thing for me specifically it's just this one specific anxiety trigger#usually I'm fine it's just this one thing that gets me really I'll be fine i just didn't expect that to happen like that and it got to me#i feel a little better writing my feelings out but i still gotta lie down I'm feeling kinda sick from it#vent
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The feminine urge to beat hollow objects with a stick. I mean really whack ‘em. Like, the neighbors are a bit concerned with how hard you’re swinging that stick around.
#I’d like to go to one of those rage rooms where you can pay to just break shit#I’ll be okay#just Going Through It rn#I’m not a bad person#emotional rollercoaster#vent kinda?#catharsis aside#being allowed to break stuff would be fun I imagine#zerstören by Rammstein type vibes
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love when i leave the house without saying anything and nobody even texts me to ask where i am.
#void echos#vent#they don't have to but it really just feels like they don't care whether or not i'm fucking okay#like maybe the person with a depressive disorder and a history of suicidal thoughts might not be okay when leaving the house alone after#having just said 'i'm having a really bad depressive episode' yk.#just maybe it feels nice to have someone show fucking concern over my wellbeing other than friends on discord#just maybe i want to feel like someone gives a shit whether or not i'm alive aside from the money they get for me living here!!!!
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i am once again experiencing health issues🤙
#aww yeah baby#from the parade#(slight vent in tags)#sorry gamers foggy jack nearly sent me on holiday /j#jokes aside the issues im having suck#dw im working on getting them sorted!#for the time being however i am Lethargic and In Pain👍#speaking of which i need to take some more medicine methinks#ugh and i was finally getting better mentally and physically after my last medical issue too#this sucks actual cheeks but it’s okay. i’ll make it through#i’ll try to keep posting on my blogs and all that and responding to asks and any roleplay prompts i can#but i’m probably gonna be a liiiittle less active while i figure this shit out
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#self image insecurity vent lol ahhhahahaha#I feel myself falling back into major insecurity#I thought I had ‘grown out of it’ for lack of a better phrase and kinda just accepted that I’m some people cup of tea and not others and#that’s okay#but for whatever reason it’s shifted back to the ‘I don’t find myself attractive so therefor everyone is lying’ mentality#which is what I held in middle-high school#I hate how frizzy my hair is but I don’t want it to get more damaged#I hate my roots#I hate my nails#I hate my skin#I hate just about everything about my body aside from the softness of my skin and my height#the only thing I like about my face is my eyes#I hate my smile I hate my teeth I hate my nose#idk I’m in a weird spiral rn and I don’t know how to deal with it bc I’ve not been this self conscious in literal years#🖤.az overshares
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