#idk I’m in a weird spiral rn and I don’t know how to deal with it bc I’ve not been this self conscious in literal years

[haruchiyos]

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[rayvern-sheep]

Update on my mental health: I am doing better! Just in case anyone read those concerning posts the past few weeks and was worried.

I have kinda long-winded advice sorta shit under the cut if you are thinking of top surgery but know you don’t deal w/ change well, or have got it but are wondering why you still feel like shit weeks later when everyone else seems to feel better. And then some more rambling in the tags if you’re into that sorta thing.

Oh boy it’s long under the cut… Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Some advice: if you have a hard time w/ big change, small change, any kind of change. Be prepared to have a hard time w/ top surgery recovery. The general consensus if you research it is that post-op depression is over by abt the fourth week, and that is actually deemed late by some sources. Many said the second or third week. If you are starting to feel worse after that point it does not mean you made a mistake! Don’t panic!

Even though I wrote several notes to myself before the procedure explaining that I did in fact want this, and I know I am bad w/ change, that did not help me when I was in the pits of a doom spiral. I’m ngl that was genuinely the worst I’ve been mentally in years. I had to ring a suicide hotline at one point because I thought I’d lost the point of life. Talk to someone you trust abt how you’re feeling. I just straight up sobbed into my mum’s shoulder abt how I didn’t understand anything anymore and I was terrified I’d made a mistake getting surgery. She talked me through it and reminded me that I’d wanted this for years, that I didn’t go outside w/out a binder on, etc. She reminded me that everyone deals w/ things at different times, just because most ppl feel perfectly fine by the one month mark it doesn’t mean I would. Then after that I just hung out w/ her. The day after that we went and did some chores outside the house. A little time outside is often a good idea, I do regret to inform you.

I’m not gonna say I’m all fixed and perfect now. I’m still low energy and back to hiding in my baggy hoodies (now I can get them on again yippee!!!) but I’m not pushing myself rn. And I wish I had some good advice other than idk have a good system of loved-ones. If you have a therapist talk to them. Don’t be like me and bottle shit up. I’m so good at bottling shit up that I do not notice smthn is getting bad until I’m at the very bottom of the fucking doom spiral and I look up and see how far I fell down it lmao.

I wrote a whole diff paragraph but deleted it. Better version though is just try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Surgery is exhausting, and feeling burned-out even after a month isn’t smthn to be ashamed of. Just focus on keeping yourself sane. If possible take it easy, do things half-assed and low-effort for a while if you can get away w/ it. Just while you mentally catch up to your new stuff.

For some ppl top surgery “fixes” all their problems, but for most it does not. Whatever mental or physical problems you had before surgery, you will still have. Now, my surgeon literally told me surgery would not fix everything. I knew this before going into this, before I even had my first conversation with him, and I still had a bad fucking time mentally. So don’t expect to feel perfect. I was in a weird surreal bubble for the first like 3(?) weeks where I was just physically recovering before my head fucking lost it.

I don’t wanna put anyone off, and tbh worrying abt how bad you’re gonna feel can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wanna say that it can get rough. But if it does, you are not alone!!! You’ve not ruined your life, it’s not the end of the world, you still have something to live for. Keep pushing through, take it slow, talk to someone you trust. Try to do things that comfort you and help you feel safe. You’re gonna get through it.

Idk man I just wanted to share my experience on this. Because in my frantic research from the bottom of the pit all I could see were smiling faces saying they felt the best they’d ever felt in their life. It was euphoria all day every day. And the only ppl who weren’t feeling perfect were the ppl unhappy w/ their results. But the thing is I love my results, everything looks as expected. It’s literally how I drew it lmao, couldn’t have gone better. Not to brag sorry. But the point was, nothing was wrong physically. The majority of the physical healing was done, but my brain hadn’t been healing at all during that time. It was just putting itself to the side while the body did it’s thing. And when even proper medical sources are saying that ppl usually start to feel mentally better after the fourth week, and I was actually starting to feel shitty by that point, it rlly made me worry smthn was wrong. I was frantically trying to blame something for what I was feeling. And it was likely a whole mess of shit, with the main culprit being my inability to process change. Dude I freak out when a loved-one gets a tattoo or a piercing or changes their fucking hair. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. It stresses me out. And although I always get over it eventually, I should’ve known that this was gonna happen. After those early weeks of the itchy haze, I totally should’ve known a mental spiral was on the horizon. But I was just so lost in the sauce that was the whole experience.

I would not change the experience of top surgery for the world. I only wish I’d been more prepared for the dive my mental health would take so late in the game. I expected post-op depression. But as I said that’s usually only in the first couple of weeks. So when it didn’t happen I thought I was okay. But oooooo boy. I forgot how slow my brain is at processing shit. And hey, if I did “make a mistake” in getting my tits chopped off. If in the future I’m like “Hey I’m a woman now!” then so fucking what. There are titless women out there, and they’re no less woman than a woman w/ tits so big they break her back. Life is for living so fucking do that. I’ve not butchered or ruined my body even if my gender does change in the future. Get rekt transphobes.

ANYWAY… I think I’ve rambled enough. If I remember smthn I’ll prob add it in a RB cos this post is already long enough now. Thank fuck for the “read more” function. So I can hide all my stupid mushy shit under here and not clog up someone’s dash. Yippee!!

[xnchxntmxnt]

Hey this is for your matchups which again yayyy congrats on nearly 200!! Anyways for my matchup:

1-3) My nickname is Em, she/her and idm who you pair me with

4) I'd describe myself as shy at first then once you get to know me I'll open up, an overthinker and I like to be organized

My hobbies are writing, I really love it alot, I also like to draw if I get time and I love music alot too

In a partner I'd look for someone who makes me laugh and who's patient

For dealbreakers it's pretty general but I couldn't be with someone who doesn't consider other ppl's feelings

5) I don't have an aesthetic but I like pastel aesthetics but then I also like dark aesthetics and light academia so it's a mix I guess

6) Colours to describe me would be teal blue and silver, well according to you anyways

7) Right now I'd say my favourite song is  Tru Luv Street by Awfultune or Fight Night Champion by Cyberbully Mom Club

8) Idk about a specific genre but some artists I like rn are: Awfultune, Carpetgarden, Cavetown, Clem Turner, Cyberbully Mom Club, Girl in Red, Joji, Lorde, Matt Maltese and Twenty One Pilots (sorry that's alot)

9) Ooh and I wanted to include that my favourite book is Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

Thank you in advance and also ily, you deserve all the love and more!! <3

EM MY BELOVED I HAVE DONE IT

@sugasfanfics this was so fun wtf like-- ugh i love this

ANYWAY i know i already kinda spilled the beans but im gonna match you with....

✧𝐴𝑘𝑎𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 𝐾𝑒𝑖𝑗𝑖✧

AGASHIII

and no it's not just because you're already in love w him i have good reasoning behind this because i said so anyWAY

✧𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑒𝑡✧

how you met, for in case you cant see my fancy text

Cafe

C a f e

But like

A cafe specifically for nerds

This is just my like 2nd dream job okay but like hear me out

They have coffee & tea & a bookshelf full of old books and a chalkboard

You can write all over the chalkboard

You write super tiny and just let a little mini vent out in the corner because you’re stressed out and need to get everything off your chest

BUT you come back the next day and there’s a little note in the same little corner

Your message is gone

But instead is a little note from someone

“If you ever need to talk to someone, let me know”

And an Instagram username

So you give it a shot and you’re like why not talk to this random person Y’know maybe make a new friend if anything just thank them for the offer

You message him and start talking (and low key stalk his page just to see what he’s like, or maybe that’s just me being a snoop) and he’s actually really cool! So you guys meet up and get coffee and actually start talking all the time it’s really sweet

✧𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠✧

general headcanons

When i think of akaashi, I think of stars

When i think of you, i think of picnics and for some reason, water

Like the ocean

SO EVEN IF ITS NOT THE OCEAN

Your ‘spot’ is by this lake where he took you on a date one time

Maybe for an anniversary or something

But you guys did a little picnic dinner thing and were out when the sun went down so sat and stared at the stars

You buried a rock there and both of you like to stand on that spot where the rock is when youre there with the other

Or send the other a picture like “hiii baby look what i found” w your shoe in the picture

Bokuto is your #1 shipper high key

Like he thinks you two are so cute

He loves you so much too like

He and akaashi are kinda a package deal so like if ur dating akaashi ur dating bokuto just with less kissing (bokuto likes to kiss your cheek or forehead) (after making sure this was ok with akaashi of course) (ur his girlfriend of course)

But anyway just bokuto

He’s so sweet

And so clueless

You two will be walking together and then he’ll just walk up behind you and sling his arms over your shoulders

If youre holding hands w akaashi? He’ll put his hand over both of yours

God now i wanna write a fic but anyway

Bo is just the sweetest and is akaashi’s #1 hype man when he’s worried about a date

He’s ur #2 bc im ur #1 sorry to tell u

Bo totally tried to coin the platonic soulmates thing i love you kou but gtfo my em

Im arguing with fictional characters

ANYWAY

When akaashi is stressed he likes to wrap his arms around you and lay his head against your neck

He’ll never admit it out loud because he thinks its weird but he thinks you smell nice

When he’s starting to overthink too much + spiral he just will grab you and hug you until all the bad thoughts go away

When he thinks to of course

When he doesn’t, there are times you gotta find him and calm him down

Which he loves so much

Sit him down on the floor so he feels more grounded and hold his hand (or hook pinkies that's so cute i jhbflebf) (not the time spencer gtfo)

That way ur not crowding him but you’re still there y'know

And sometimes he’ll talk, sometimes you need to talk him down, sometimes you just sit in silence

Eventually he will lean forward into you and hug you because he doesn't want to talk, but he wants you to know he’s okay

Rub his back, kiss his head, you’ll both be okay

He’s really good with you too

When you’re stressed out he might push a couple buttons but he means well

He just wants to know who made his star upset (he calls you his star or darling convince me otherwise)

So he pushes buttons until you finally talk about it because obviously it’s bothering you why wouldn't you talk about it?? He just wants to fix it??

Sometimes this gets more irritating, sometimes it helps, it depends on the day

But even if you do get into an argument, expect to hear from him before the end of the night apologizing because he feels so bad for arguing with you that he doesn’t even care what the argument was about he just wants to make sure you still love him

I think im getting off topic but tbh this part is always just me rambling lol

Another thing I think of when I think of akaashi is rain. I don't know why but i do

You have to at least know OF the notebook & the rain scene to get this

I don't know the book lol i just know this much and i'm a dork so we’re using it & some quotes just a heads up

But just imagine its pouring and you’re bored and text him like “i wish i could see you but its raining & we didn't really make plans & i don't want you to get caught in the rain anywhere”

This mfer

RUNS ALL THE WAY TO UR HOUSE

JUST SHOWS UP

OUT OF NO WHERE

And being the freakin

book nerd he is

He texts you and goes “I wrote you 365 letters.”

And then just “(come to the door and I’ll finish the quote)”

So you bolt to the front door

And there he is

Soaking wet & smiling like an idiot

“I wrote to you everyday for a year.”

To which you start laughing and barley are able to make out a “it wasn’t over’ (which is the beginning of the next quote) before kissing him

And this jerk pulls you out in the rain with him because WHAT is more romantic than kissing in the rain

Nothing

Anyway he ends up with a cold but you give him some of the clothes you probably stole from him to get into dry clothes and you cuddle under the covers with tea

After you smack him (playfully of course) because “you IDIOT keiji it's pouring out here!!” “I wanted to see you too so i ran over” “you're impossible”

Anyway yeah #emkaashiotp

✧𝐴 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝐼𝑑𝑒𝑎✧

a date idea

Bookstore

I'm really good at naming places aren't i

Anyway

Bookstore date

But do something fun where the two of you have to go through an aisle and find a random page and read it in the like

How do i explain this

Make it sound suuuuper sexual without it actually being that way and not laugh

Whoever loses buys lunch

Lets just say you lose a lot dear im sorry (he insists on buying anyway, sometimes he wins that argument)

You’re smiley :) (guys her smile is so cute ebflbejfb em ILY)

Oh also doesn’t matter if he bought lunch or not he always gets you something

Whether it be that book you decided you couldn't get this time or a little trinket that reminded him of you, or sometimes it’s just ice cream

It’s all very sweet (hahaha pun)

He always walks you home and gives you a little kiss when he drops you off

Doesn’t leave till you’re inside & he knows you’re good

You make him promise to text you when he gets home

Which he does, without fail

✧𝑍𝑜𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑏𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦✧

zodiac compatibility

Sagittariuses are very intelligent, fair-minded & honest, similar to a Libra’s cleverness & rationale. Because of this similarity, trust is a huge thing in these relationships. It can be all or nothing, but finding balance is important to keep both people happy. Luckily, Libras are very good at this. From everything I’ve seen, these signs together have a very high compatibility and can have a very long-withstanding and healthy relationship.

✧𝐴𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑐✧

aesthetic

✧𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡✧

playlist

House of Gold - Twenty-One Pilots

Lvr Boy - awfultune

A Shitty Love Song - Jye

Darling Get Up - awfultune

Something Just Like This - Alex Goot

✧𝑅𝑢𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑈𝑝✧

runners up

Nishinoya Yuu, Sugawara Koushi

[bisluthq]

I do think that Joe was just a mess that we did not witness. My crack theory is that if CH was a beard (which idk, by know I think not, did not pay attention back then)- my theory is that TH is a bearding contract where he fell in love. And she was like NOPE (getaway car)

Lmao I think Joe’s entrance was definitely a mess we didn’t get to see and I fr they only made it official official on New Year’s because that is sooooo fucking cute and I’m in a “cute” era rn. IMO I think CH was contractual for the most part because we have so many stunts and also a lot of the markers of contractual relationships such as 1) public meetings and 2) mutual benefits to name just... two... but like we can pull up a multitude of pap stunts and then also talk about the way she was single at the Grammys also 👀 so like...

I have semi reliable tea from someone who hung out with them at some point but could be lying to me who tf knows that CH used to be all over her in private settings and she seemed ummm more than okay with it. This tea, combined with a bunch of PDA, makes me think they fucked.

But I still think they had a largely contractual element because again 1) single at the Grammys and how stunty the whole thing was and 2) how she wished Kar hbd with a pic of Calvin wtf 3) how there are no CH songs unless we give him the ones we’re saying could be Kar ones which kinda... don’t make sense still, in that scenario.

Idk what happened with Hiddleswift it was fully deranged. Either he was so in lust with her he signed that stunting deal or she ummmm played him. She was also grinding on Mikey Hess that summer (#neverforget) prior to the Hiddleswift breakup. Like idk what Hiddles was to her but I genuinely do not believe she was also actively pursuing Joe at that same time.

Like idk to me that whole 1989 era seems very fucked up and messy and also ummm very chaotic bi. Like the fact that she wasn’t spiraling the way other people in her situation do tells me she 1) had a good support structure but also 2) there was weird stuff happening like her... grinding on her best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend while visibly plastered and while having a boyfriend is... um... if you’re lowkey in love with the best friend SUPER RELATABLE WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE IN SOME CAPACITY.

(MESSY BI KWEEEEEEN 👸 WE STAN)

[ronanvespertine]

... good grief I didn’t consider the wider implications of that ask. Can you just imagine a first responder scene “ma’am are you a doctor?!” “I’ll do ya one better: I’m a vet.” This world would be a nightmare to practice in. It already takes six years plus specialisation. How long does it take to be a doctor in this world? Fifteen years?

(Previous Ask)

Bruh, idk. Honestly, I'm sweating just thinking about it. My sister is a nurse (RN, to boot) and most of my memories of her are just stressing over work and school. And she was in school for a long, long time. (And we don't talk about her student loans.😨)

I tried to find a cute way out of 15 years of medical school (because Y I K E S). I can't imagine every goddamn doctor knowing how to resuscitate a dolphin. So.....

....a new specialization? "Quirk specialization". Quirk doctors, like Ujiko/Garaki. They're the ones who'll know how to deal with mutant/emitter/transformation quirks. (Legit read up on the wiki. Hoo, boy, this took me down a rabbit hole.) They're the ones who spend half a year in general vet school, haha! For their education, I'd say the ability to adapt and basically yolo their way through would be emphasized. (Because I believe vets do that anyway? Like, they know different animal biologies, but it's not like there are specialized equipment for every animal, so they use medical tools meant for humans and figure it out.) Besides, all their patients would be mostly human. So those extra animal bits might not be that big a deal.

Worst case scenario, they teach doctors to prioritize human biology in emergencies and green light the neglection of quirk care until it's safe or the patient is stable.

Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably that. The quirk factor is just a gene. And judging from what we've seen.....human biology is not dependent on the care of one's quirk factor. It's affected by it, but not dependent.

Quirks are like an extra body part, but they're not an essential organ. You can usually live without it. Just like you can live through amputation or losing a kidney.

The big thing would be quirks that hold more importance in a person's biology. Those ones might be regarded as a risk factor in the medical field. I'm mostly thinking mutant quirks that occur through the whole body. Froppy, for example. And maybe her lizard friend. (Ew, does Tokoyami have a weird skull structure? Oh YUCK, I tried not to imagine how his brain would be sitting in his bird head. YUCK! And EW, how does his x-ray look with the fucking beak--?!) Aoyama would be the biggest example of someone who is dependent on the care of their quirk.

For them, I'm not sure how emergency medical care would go. I think medics would try to stick to human biology as much as possible. But Asui's got a frog's stomach, so idk what other special organs she has that may pose a challenge. Hopefully, her quirk didn't add like some super important frog organ. I doubt it, though. Animals basically have the same structure humans do, right? Heart, brain, lungs.....

Uhhhh, I'm trying to remember a little medical tidbit I learned from my sister the other day about triage. There's like this way nurses assess who is prioritized in triage by going down a list. Consciousness, breathing, blood.....(I'm spending way too much time and brain power on this.)

Okay, I just did some searching, and there are different ways to assess a person's condition for triage depending on country and profession ("lay people", like firefighters who only know basic first-aid, judge differently from trained medical professionals). The thing I think my sister uses is the ISS (injury severity score) that separates the body into ABC categories.

(God, all this speculation is giving me flashbacks to a chapter from my old fic, The Haunting of Tony Stark. In one chapter, I explored Doctor Strange's medical background and talked about this hellish mass casualty incident that forced him to make heavy decisions with triage. It got kinda dark. Just reading about the ISS thing put this layer of somberness over me.)

Basically, let's hope Asui's quirk doesn't do extra shit to her head and abdomen (A & B). I'm guessing those are like the key areas of the human body that you really don't wanna mess with.

(Good god, I thought I could get away from the curse of the medical field in my family. But it comes to haunt me in my writing.)

And Aoyama.....hoo boy. If his support belt breaks, I think he's basically gonna have to deal with the pain and injury of Navel Laser leaking out until the hospital can emergency order a temporary support item from a lifestyle support company like Detnerat.

But if Aoyama is in a life-or-death situation in the ambulance, and the paramedics can't treat him because of Navel Laser or Navel Laser is continually making his situation deteriorate, then.....

Quirk suppressants.

Drugs that can forcibly nullify a person's quirk factor enough so that the quirk is not majorly affecting the patient. Very risky, and still an experimental medicine, but medics use it nonetheless if it could possibly save a person's life. It may bear future side effects or damage the quirk factor. But the patient would live.

Though quirk suppressants would be cool, I'm not sure they'd exist yet. I mean, we had that whole thing with Eri and the bullets. If there were medical drugs that could suppress quirk factors, the Shie Hassakai would've just used those instead of blindly evolving Eri's blood.

Basically, the medical field is still trying to adjust to the evolution of quirks. BNHA is basically in the 17th or 18th century when it comes to quirk care in the medical field.

Anyway, that spiralled out of control. I've been blindsided by anatomy fears once again (and outside of art no less, d'you see why anatomy is the enemy of us all?) and got hunted by the medical field curse in my family. But hey, we did some awesome worldbuilding!!! (Doing your job for you, Horikoshi, no thanks needed 😎)

This also may be food for thought for an OC I have in development for BNHA. 😏 She's been slowly developing in my WIPs, and is actually concentrated around medicine. I'll introduce her sometime when I have her fully fleshed out, but for now, she remains a WIP. 😂

Thanks for simultaneously scarring me and giving me quality brain food in the middle of the night, anon! 🤣😁 I always appreciate the random thoughts you pop into my ask box. 🤗

[fairycosmos]

ive deleted this sm times,i need some1 to talk to..i hope it's not weird im coming to u... basically me n my gf have been together a year, very in love, n make eachother the happiest we've ever been. but we r kinda mentally ill n when we get into fights (ovr jealousy or stupid stuff) we go VERY low n it impacts us sm. lockdown is keeping us apart n hurting us a lot rn too:( idk what to do, how to reassure her this cycle can b broken so we can b together... bcus we need change n rn i cry too much

:(( i’m so sorry for the late response to this, i hope you’re still open to hearing some of my thoughts. and it’s not weird at all, don’t worry for a moment about that. my initial response is to ask if it’s possible to put the relationship on (for lack of a better phrase) pause for a bit, while you both work on your mental health?  when the quarantine is over, of course. i know it’s not ideal, and it’s very painful to have to choose between looking after yourself and the one you love but......when both people are in a bad place, it’s really hard to make healthy judgements and to approach the relationship from a place of rationality and clear headed thinking. it’s a domino effect of sorts, where one person gets (maybe irrationally) jealous and the other feels intensely attacked and there’s a spiral of tension and fighting that doesn’t get resolved, because you can’t see from each other’s point of view. honestly, i feel like the more you guys push off getting help, the worse it’s going to be.  and then it’s going to end the same way any way. of course, it’s no ones ‘fault’. it’s important to stress that. and it’s okay to be upset by how frustrating it is to have to take a step back from dating. like you’re absolutely allowed to be mad, hurt, to not want to have to deal with it......but i really think making the right decision for your own well being is important if you want to break out of the cycle. like you said, change is necessary and though it’s scary and uncomfortable, it’s not always bad. there will be ample opportunity for reconnection in the future and you can still be a big part of each other lives, but it doesn’t have to be as intense as it is right now if you want to start putting yourselves first.  your mental health is the basis for which everything on your life hinges on. you have to take care of yourself so that someday, sooner than you realize, you can begin to take care of each other in the right way. if you’re not seeking the support you need, even in indirect forms such as calling a hotline or researching and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your daily routine, then other areas of your life will begin to feel the strain of that weight. it’s inevitable, so it’s better to nip it in the bud instead of continuing to let it snowball. it’s absolutely possible for people who struggle with mental illnesses to maintain healthy and safe relationships with others, and it truly is for you too, but it just seems to me that right now you both have to prioritize yourselves in order to be able to achieve that. if you have a therapist or a counselor, or any sort of care worker, i’d really urge you to talk to the (obviously through phone call or skype) to see what they recommend. if not, there are a lot of mental health support lines available, and mental health professionals are still looking for clients they can work with remotely - there are still resources out there and you, and your relationship are not a lost cause. i promise. it’s just a matter of knowing what you need to do right now in order to ensure that your future matches up with a healthy relationship. which is a lot easier said than done, and you don’t have to have it all figured out rn. but baby steps are vital. i really think you should talk to your gf about what you both realistically need to do in order to find peace, to heal and to be able to begin building a foundation of trust and mutual support. even if she’s not happy about it, she should want to see you do well, and i’m sure you want that for her. if you can get on the same page about where to go from here, and about looking for the help you both need, then i truly think it could work out in the long run. with some patience, some time and some self care. anyway this is just my opinion and definitely not like.......solidified advice, but i hope you’re ok and that you know i’ll be here if you need someone. i thought i already replied to this, but i guess it was only in my head lmfao. i’m rooting for you. stay safe and take it easy ok 💞

[pandemicthestory]

1: introduced

The love story of a teenage girl trapped inside during the end of the world. Daily chapters during the coronavirus pandemic. 

Neon orange nails tap at a laptop, chatting with someone across the internet. This manicure is fresh, except no one has left their house in weeks, so we know she did it herself. 

ADMIN_E: just sent your essay back. Gonna be 300 bc of the works cited 

GUEST48: oh come on 

ADMIN_E: i need the money, and you have more money than you need

GUEST48: ugh pls just tell me this is gonna get me an A in AP US history, i need this grade to get into duke 

ADMIN_E: lol, you’re actually worried about getting into college?

GUEST48: uh yeah, aren’t u?

ADMIN_E: Sweetie the world is ending. Who the fuck cares

*buzz* 

She looks away from the computer and down at her cracked iPhone 7. Another thing she’d like the cash to upgrade. The bigger issue: it’s basically impossible to scam in peace with her group chat constantly blowing up. But what are your best friends for, if not to provide human contact during an infinite quarantine? 

Madison is a self-proclaimed burnout, who used to be the carefree athletic type until a soccer injury sent her spiraling into an emo-grunge moment. Zoe is probably going to run for president and also be a doctor at the same time, unless her weird senior boyfriend convinces her to leave on a weed farm (which he would totally do, wow Gabriel sucks). And Olivia is sort of the one who keeps everyone together, obsessed with being a friend. She’s the one who religiously decorates your locker on your birthday even if you insist that it’s not necessary and that actually you’d prefer if she didn’t because it’s embarrassing. That’s Olivia.

MADISON: holy shit did u hear 

OLIVIA: I was just about to text you guys. My mom just told me. R u ok?? 

ZOE: wait what’s going on?? wtf tell me rn !! 

*knock knock*

The bedroom door opens without waiting for an answer.

“Emma?”

Emma Bradford, a skinny 16-year-old wearing an oversized hoodie and boxers, slams her laptop shut with way too much force. Hopefully it isn’t broken, she’d have to find a different way to cheat the school system for money. 

“Mom, what happened to our deal? If we’re going to be stuck at home together, you have to pretend I’m AT school. As in don’t speak to me before 3:25 PM.”

“You can’t say I didn’t knock. I knocked.” 

“It’s not about knocking, it’s about--wait why are we even having a conversation? See you at dinner. Or not. Just go please.” 

Emma jams in her air pods and pulls up her hoodie over her head so you can’t see the top of her face. She’s used to hiding her identity, and even in quarantine, old habits die hard or whatever.

Mom sighs, she doesn’t want to be here either. Out of all her kids, Emma is the truly difficult one. The smart one who uses her brain for all the wrong reasons. And wow those nails are intense. Traffic cones. Kids these days. 

“I just came to tell you that...well we just got a phone call from the school district. It looks like classes are going to be canceled for the rest of the year. Zoom classes too. Everything. I’m sorry.”

Emma’s stomach drops. Canceled? Like, wait, canceled? Canceled. But...how will she earn hundreds of dollars doing writing assignments for her fellow dumbasses?

“Seriously? How is that possible?! Don’t I need like, an education and shit?”

“Government spending is affecting everyone in strange ways right now. And wait a second, I thought you’d be happy. You always tell me how much you hate high school.”

Mom raises an eyebrow. Emma hates that. If her mom starts digging around in her personal life again, she’s going to find some weird shit. Not just forged essays, but, well, let’s just leave that all buried for now. 

“I do hate school. And I don’t care if I never go back. But I do need some boundaries, so please get out.”

Her Mom closes the door. We can’t see, but that eyebrow is definitely still raised. Something’s up with Emma. Her mom just has no idea of what it is, or how big it’s about to get.

Emma examines the group chat, having missed over 80 texts since she last checked it five minutes ago. 

EMMA: i don’t have time to read all that but, school, right?

ZOE: How can this happen? I already have a prom dress and it was final sale!!

MADISON: u don’t HAVE to go to prom this year zo- when gabriel goes to school next year u guys will prob break up anyway and then you’ll be free to go to like 10 more proms w guys who haven’t been arrested

ZOE: He was not actually arrested and we are doing long distance we already discussed it! 

MADISON: you don’t think they’ll cancel prom do you? if i have to do prom over zoom i’m legit done 

EMMA: So, prom is what you’re all worried about?

A brief pause. 

OLIVIA: Well what are you worried about Em? Or aren’t you

EMMA: Oh well idk. I mean i’m not that worried

EMMA: I just mean like it could be worse

As soon as Emma sends this, she doesn’t know if she actually believes it. She doesn’t know what’s coming. 

ZOE: Sure, I guess...

MADISON: UR BEING RLY WEIRD EM 

EMMA: Ah you’re right sorry, it’s just a weird time. I love u guys btw 

Everyone sends their signature heart emoji. Zoe: pink with sparkles. Olivia: yellow. Madison: small red with red dot underneath. And Emma sends the black heart, because she really needs to start acting like her normal self as people are getting suspicious. Her best friends know almost everything about her. Almost. They don’t know about what she’s doing on the side, or what she plans to do with the money. 

Emma takes a deep breath and reopens the laptop. No school is going to be a problem. No school, no assignments, no college applications, which means: no income. And no income means no leaving...no running off with...him. 

Him, the eternal problem. Him who won’t get out of her head no matter how much she curses the day he was born. Him from that other school that’s annoyingly far yet still too close for her own good. Him who knows her favorite candle scent. Him who rests his hand in the space between her hip bone and her belly button. Him who lied. Him who was forgiven. 

Him. 

She stares at the interface of her ghostwriter page on the screen. This was good while it lasted. She’ll just need a new plan to get to Him. 

Emma is about to shut the computer when: 

*Ping* 

New Assignment.

What? Every student at Harrison Ford High School got the same announcement today that she did. School’s canceled. No more class, no more losing sleep over getting into Duke. What a random life goal. 

Seriously, what the hell could this be?

Emma clicks the link to open the new assignment, to learn that it isn’t a new assignment at all. It’s a drawing?  

Circular lines, deflated shapes encircling each other. Like oil in water. The picture could almost be, well it looks somewhat like...a map. Holy shit, this is a map.

The lines of the map are messy and hand drawn. As if someone made this in a rush. Or maybe they were confused about where the path leads. But underneath the twists and turns, there’s a note: 

before you run away, come find me

[madd-information]

This is long so I submitted it this way instead of sending in like 1,000 asks. Hope that’s okay?

Hi I’m Twoot and idk if I have (have? Is that the right term?) madd but I might and I’m looking into it. I’ve tried to do some research but idk how well it matches up. For as long as I can remember I’ve sort of created my own worlds or pretended that I was part of some that already existed (based off of youtubers, shows, books, etc. When I was younger it was a big mix of me as a person experiencing it and a character as me experiencing it but recently it’s just been me as characters) It’s not *all* of my life but when I sat down to write this all out I realized how much it happens. and I’m an only child living with only my dad so i didn’t have many real ppl to play w growing up and I have a lot of alone time. I spend a lot of my (mostly) alone time (walking to and from school, being home alone, in bed at night (so much plot in the stories/worlds I build happens at night), and even sometimes in social situations,, tho it depends) doing what I have dubbed in the latest years “The Characters Thing” (I’m just going to call it TCT for now bc I’m not %100 sure if it’s madd or not so that’s just what I’m going to refer to it as here)

Usually when I get into something (bc of my adhd when I get into a fandom type thing I hyperfixate and *rly* get into it) my whole world revolves around that thing. I create a sort of au and story in my head and they often times never wrap up before moving on to the next one. While I’m involved in one of my hyperfixations I usually do TCT about them and start a storyline which I continue throughout my day. These can last from one afternoon (tho that’s p uncommon) to months. They change as my hyperfixations change bc once I tire of those the characters/world no longer interest me and my hyperfixations usually last for a couple months. Right now I’m into Moomin so for example I would be Snufkin or the Joxter (it switches who I am A Lot depending on what’s happening in the story/ where I am while I’m doing TCT bc I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is actually madd) and go thru parts of the story I’m making as them. I don’t think of myself as becoming them ig?? Looking back I’m still me,, I’m the body,, the one experiencing things but during TCT the concept of “Twoot” (me) is gone and I perceive things and react to situations (irl or in the story in my head) as the character. It’s never in third person as I am always a certain character and even if I imagine others I do not act as them even tho I sort of control them. Another thing I forgot to add is that I can switch between what character I am. It often varies from world to world and story to story but sometimes I switch characters randomly bc my mood changes and the way I’m acting would better fit another character or my hyperfixation might shift and maybe a different character seems more appealing at that time. It’s like when you’re reading a fic and some of the chapters are in the POV of a different character. Tho for me it’s never third person no matter what. I always see it thru the eyes of the character I am.

There can sometimes be multiple worlds/stories happening at the same time which sometimes stumps me on what one to continue with when I do TCT. The stories never happen at the same time but if there are stories that are super short (last for only an afternoon or so,, but again these are super rare) there might be characters from multiple things in the same place. One recently for me was a world of me walking back from school after a stressful class where two characters (strongly tied to emotions. The three characters here are the only ones that are tied to emotions and pop up when I am feeling a certain emotion. Tho there are exceptions like there’s a character that always pops up when I’m stimming.) Who represent pettiness and anger (Marvin from Falsettos being the main one. (The only time when I act as him is when I am feeling petty or selfish and angry bc falsettos isn’t my hyperfixation anymore and I wasn’t usually him when it was my hyperfixation) Little my from Moomin was the other but unlike Marvin me feeling angry isn’t the only time she pops up bc that’s not all she’s included for and she’s part of my current hyperfixation) where talking to me (At the moment I was snufkin from the Moomins who i use to make my emotions stable bc he is always calm and collected. He’s also the main character I am rn bc he’s my favorite and from my current hyperfixation) even tho Marvin is not from Moomin and little my and snufkin aren’t from falsettos. This kind of world with mixing characters and it being so short (only lasted for half of my walk home) is v v uncommon tho it does happen. It is also an example of one of the kinds of situations that happen when I do TCT.

There are three kinds.

One: Real world. This is where the characters (Sometimes just the character I am and sometimes there are others around me) are responding to things that are happening around me activity. Example: Worrying about a test I have, playing a video game, or doing something activity that is happening irl. This can easily bleed into the second type if I am doing something nonspecific like walking home or eating dinner.

Two: Imaginary situations: This is where I am doing something during TCT that I am not doing in the real world. Example: irl I am in bed but durning TCT I am walking around the forest(little irl movement and acting bc I am lying down and I cannot speak bc I might be heared by my dad) or irl I am just home alone but during TCT I am going shopping with another character (a lot of irl movement. I can talk, run around, grab props to use and use them, etc.)

Three: Including other people: This is why it doesn’t affect my social situations negatively. This is where I am interacting with other people and see myself as one character and those around me as others. This usually follows the rules of the forst kind bc I base things around what is actually happening. If I am around my little cousins sometimes I can play with them and suggest what we play using the world I’m focused on at the time (it’s not that weird bc I’m 14 and we don’t see each other that often but when we do we’re all v close and it’s not as weird or forced as it sounds) and I’m the character I am at that time and might even suggest them to be other characters from it. If not this can actually star a branching work with my cousins ocs as characters that I might or might not use if I continue that branch. If I am around friends we don’t play that often anymore bc were all about 14 so we play less and less but there was a long lasting hyperfixation that rly was great for TCT bc my friends where into it at the same time and often played and/or rped as these characters. So sometimes they might play along but most of the time for type three I only imagine them to be other characters. I assign them a character that matches who they are and hang out with them as I act on the way my character as they and build the story in my head as things happen irl. Examples: irl I’m eating dinner at a restaurant with my dad and grandparents but during TCT I am the character eating dinner with the other characters in the world in my characters dining room, irl I am in the ocean on a beach trip with my friends but during TCT I am a Character that is trapped on an island and swimming to somewhere else with the few other characters for company, or irl I am in a car going to a friends house while it’s late with her mom driving us but during TCT I am the character on a train traveling to to town for the first time to go to an inn while I chat with a character that is a stranger (even if irl she’s my best friend) and the nosy lady in front of us who keeps interrupting our generally peaceful train ride

I am always aware that I am doing TCT and usually (I think? I’ve never tried to specifically shut down any “sessions” of TCT) in control of when it stops/starts and there is no inner world. I am aware of what the body is seeing, hearing, feeling, etc. irl but TCT is happening on top of it(?)

If there are other characters besides just me in a scene (unless I’m with other people and assign them a character that suits them in my head) I see them even tho they’re not there? They are invisible but I can tell what they look like and where they are at any given time. In the “scenes” im never “transported” anywhere. Sort of. I can decide where the room I’m in is in the story (like I say that my room is really the inside of a tent or that the restaurant I’m in is the dining room of my character’s house) but it’s the same as how the characters look. I perceive everything as it is but imagine that things look different. This also happens with real people I assign characters to in my head. My eyes see the people but my brain, ig in my minds eye sees what the character they “are” looks like.

There are multiple different reasons that TCT happens for me. Most of the time it’s because I’m bored (I have adhd-pi (the inattentive type) so this happens quite a lot) but I also use it to deal with situations I want to personally distance myself from.

Like because I have sensory issues it’s Awful for me that I have to go out to eat with my grandparents every week and have to hear them chew food. So I start doing TCT and handle things how my character would handle it. If I end up spiraling and breaking down then TCT is torn away and my mind stops thinking of that as I am too preoccupied with the breakdown (usually dealing with personal things so it’s harder to place a character on it)

I have recently started to use TCT to my advantage during breakdowns and either acting as a more stable character they ig to calm themself down OR be Twoot (me) (this is v uncommon for me this past year or so unless it’s to do what I’m explaining now) and have the characters “there with me” to calm me down. It all depends on the specific experience.

What makes me question if madd is what I’m experiencing or not is bc It doesn’t usually affect my social life; if I’m doing TCT I just have my friends/family be other characters (tho I don’t tell them this ofc) and it’s not like an actual dream. I still experience reality while it’s happening and it’s not too vivid (I have memories of the parts of stories like they really happened but as I explained before things seem sort of transparent so they aren’t too detailed) also it’s not third person. I have to experience it in first person weather I’m acting it out (this is ideal, I do this if I’m home alone or walking somewhere alone. If I can’t speak and move around to act them out I mouth things out and imagine that I am doing the things, but not rly bc I imagine doing things in first person if that makes sense, or if I rly have to it all happens inside my head but that’s only if I’m in a social situation where I can’t move around. If I’m in a social situation with friends I can move around in I move and and act in the ways that the character I am at the moment would/ is in my story and have my friends be the characters while I build the story around what is happening irl)

If there’s anything else I should explain but at this time that is all I can think of to share. I hope this makes sense. If it’s not madd do you have any idea what it could be?

I always thought me doing this was normal then when I realized it wasn’t I thought it was just my adhd but I had kind of realized it might be something else and it made me think after I brought up the fact that I did this to my therapy group as a way to distance Myself from situations that are uncomfortable and deal with stress so I decided to do some digging and madd seemed rly close but I thought I’d ask someone before I go and self diagnose let alone talk to my dad about it.

[canmom]

it’s weird i’m still here but lately i just... haven’t felt like posting. or even like reblogging stuff. like there’s always a barrier right between ‘heh that’s good’ and ‘this should be in my followers’ timelines!’ but that threshold seems to have gotten so high that I barely blog anything except donation posts anymore

below: personal, mutuals only please, like if you read? about relationship with a particular former friend

i guess now i see the connection... there’s a certain former friend who cut off contact with me at the end of the year and i’m still very chewed up over that. there’s mutual friends who i don’t want to lose touch with but i guess i’m effectively doing that anyway because i don’t want to impinge on her awareness in any way and every time i see her name it makes me freeze up. even though she has every right to drift apart and decide she can’t deal with me anymore... we were barely talking by the end anyway... sometimes things don’t work out

but yeah a few years ago we were partners like... i still really really care about her and what she thinks and i’m scared of doing any further harm or crossing any actual or hypothetical boundary on the one hand, and then some other component of my brain is unfairly resentful and feels disposed of, and just... still don’t know how to process the whole thing which means every time i see her name it’s just like... it throws me at least and if i’m at a low ebb it puts me in a really bad place.

and none of this i like... blame her for. i understand, to the extent i can understand i guess, why she has similarly messed up and complicated feelings about me and why that would mean that she made the right call in putting this friendship, which was being sustained out of my stubbornness and little else, out of its misery... rationally this was better than letting it slowly decay, and especially given her partner ____ has even more messed up feelings about me. and maybe she judged me unfairly in some ways (but understandably given the information she had) but ultimately, there was no way to fix this and i was fucking stupid to try for so long.

but then we have to keep living (i guess) and while for the most part i have a life that in no way involves her, for some reason on here on tumblr it’s like... more difficult to try not to think about her.

i’ve unfollowed people who were much closer to her than me and i don’t talk to but when it comes to like... true mutual friends, i can’t fairly ask them not to interact with her, that would be cruel and absurd, and i can’t ask them to tag me out bc it would have the same effect as seeing her name... and i would compulsively open blacklist tags so that wouldn’t help... and idk what to do. i guess in practice what i’m doing is drifting away from those friends too and slowly cutting myself off but that feels shit, that’s not right

and sometimes it’s hard not to go into a spiral of thinking i’m a broken, poisonous person and i should like, withdraw in some much more substantial way from social contact, which i know is very irrational and probably has some really nasty motivations behind it, bc there are clearly people who do appreciate me and just bc i failed in a relationship once doesn’t mean i can’t change, it’s kind of inevitable that that would happen, you dumb shit bryn

but anyway also this like... media that i remember sharing with her, like evangelion or homestuck or (if i ever go back to watch it) haibane renmei... also has this effect though not quite as strong.

i guess the only answer is like... get over yourself, fix your brain, she owes you nothing and never did, if you lose other friends so be it.

i will probably make this post private in an hour or two but rn i guess i need to vent into the semi-anonymous void.

[rorykillmore]

i feel like i send u this every time i cant decide on new characters lol but do u want any canon mates for your charas rn, which ones?

uhhh let’s see... i ALWAYS want canonmates. though first of all a disclaimer: i might do a bit of character cleanout after the revamp and on the chance that you’re considering any of these i don’t want you to like, commit only for me to drop them, so let me know if you are thinking of picking anyone up.....

lucille... idk. it’d be complicated if she got canonmates because she’s already had significant interactions and developments with previous iterations of edith and thomas. so idk. it could be interesting??? but it really depends on the angle

siobhan, i’m gonna be real, i have ALWAYS wanted a livewire for siobhan. livewire would make, like, the perfect addition to the denny guardians. and she 500% deserves better than what she got in canon, so everybody wins!

otherwise maybe a winn?? i think i’ve talked about this before but i have a soft spot for winn and siobhan’s dynamic, and i think it’d be interesting for them to interact now that she’s developed a lot...

(also a cat grant even though her and siobhan hate each other because i’m just like, CONSTANTLY in a state of “denny needs a cat grant”,)

for sara... hm probably one of the legends (idk if i can narrow down favorites, kendra, snart, zari, jax maybe...) or most definitely an e-1 laurel! which would, y’know, cause a lot of catastrophic conflict, but also sara and e-1 laurel deserve their reunion, so,

bramblestar... you know i’d really love to see one of the journey cats on denny?? we had a few of them at various times -- squirrelflight, feathertail, giz tried out crowpaw briefly. but man i would LOVE to have bramblestar interact with tawnypelt, or really... any of his half-siblings, because he and hawkfrost obviously have a lot of conflict, and he and mothwing. never get to fucking interact and there’s so much potential there. anyway if bramblestar had any kind of sibling on denny it would definitely be super interesting, given tigerstar’s presence and the conflict tigerclan presents in general.

or you know who i’ve always thought would be a really interesting warrior cat to see on denny? goldenflower. because i have a lot of questions about her relationship with tigerstar that the books never answered. and also, give bramblestar his mom back,

for dolores.... i think it’d be really interesting to have a teddy!!! they have so much unresolved shit they need to deal with, and it’d be... sad and complicated with dolores dating laurel now. otherwise, virtually any of the characters you apped/tried out were fucking great, or i would love to have a bernard sometime especially with their mounting conflict.

or i’ve always thought dolores would have really interesting conversations with emily....

for sophie-anne.... idk [immediately forgets all the true blood characters]

no but i would definitely love to have a hadley!! that’d be one of those like. “basically expanding a lot of headcanons for a ship we really didn’t get to see much of in canon” things but. what we saw of them was great, and i like my “hadley would ask to be turned” headcanon. or maybe someone like pam or tara??

camille.... well you’ve mentioned wanting to try out jackie and obviously i would LOVE that. camille and jackie’s relationship is really. poignant to me but i also think they have a lot of unresolved, sad stuff going on. i think camille... forgives jackie or is trying to because she’s also trying to forgive herself for what happened with marian, and she loves jackie so much and jackie was sometimes the only thing that made her childhood bearable, but yeah. also there’d be a lot of potential for funny stuff obviously but there’s something legitimately impressive about jackie’s ability to get dirt on EVERYONE so i have to wonder like, what else she’d get into,

and then.... jay tried her out for a bit (and was wonderful with her) but i would fuckin kill to have an amma long term. i think amma is a wonderfully. painfully complex character who you could do a lot with in rp and admittedly i also just, want to give her and camille some kind of closure arc because they REALLY deserve it, 

i don’t know if anyone would ever try her out because she’s only in one episode but maybe alice too?? although i might cry too hard for that,

sly’s answer is surprisingly like, “too many to count”, because i realized how many sly cooper characters i would LOVE to see on denny. obviously there’s carmelita but i think fate is still planning on apping her eventually?? so besides her... definitely bentley or murray! how could i not want sly to have his best friends... and i also think someone like neyla has a hell of a lot of potential (good balance of ‘scary villain who would do shit’ and ‘potential to flesh out some legitimate complexity’) and that clockwerk if played right would be a TERRIFYING threat and.... someone like dimitri could make a fun comic relief character, or i have such a soft spot for the panda king

or really, honestly, ANY of the cooper ancestors, and so many of those are fan favorites so i’m always holding out hope that someone will pick one of those up! consider: rioichi and nyssa would get along INCREDIBLY well,

for nightcloud.... hmmm honestly i wouldn’t mind having a crowfeather as much as there is to complain about with that relationship because. i’m always here for rping things out in a more satisfying way than canon,

but also like... god i don’t know. feathertail or... i’m trying to think what other female characters Deserved Better because i would love to give nightcloud a ship with another she-cat that kind of. deconstructs a bit of that jealousy thing she does

for susie i would be SO fucking stoked if someone apped someone else from the suspiria movie, actually. specifically like... madame blanc or sara because obviously susie had very poignant and important relationships with both of them (and i think they’re both great characters in their own right). and like. aren’t we all here for sad gay stuff,

also this might be a weird answer but i’m like... weirdly attached to the remake’s version of olga?? she has like 10 minutes of screentime so idek why except for the fact that i was like, previously attached to olga from the original movie. probably no one would ever care enough to flesh her out and app her unless they were like BIG into suspiria like me or fate or jemi are but, y’know

cordelia.... already has/or has had some great canonmates on denny; obviously i already REALLY love your myrtle. if you’re not still planning on apping her... idk i know you also said you were interested in coco or queenie and they would both be amazing to see. basically any of the coven witches!! or uh... christ idk i don’t have the energy to sort through the other seasons of ahs characters now but, any ahs characters would be really interesting i’m sure

for alana, barring the two you’ve already tried out.... i of course think having hannibal around would be both catastrophic and extremely interesting for everyone involved. or also, possibly a weirder answer, but jack??? idk you know we need some like. Solid Law Types for the mld maybe, and i have a weird soft spot/interest in alana and jack’s relationship. or like... obviously getting an abigail would be really sad and complicated (but also, give abigail a shot at a normal life,) or i’ve always thought bedelia could be super interesting on denny...

but naturally the REAL answer here is matthew brown,

for villanelle... i mean i should preempt this by saying that i can’t think of a like, major or supporting character from killing eve who isn’t fucking delightful and i would be thrilled to see ANY of them. if you continue with irina i would rp with her more in an instant

but also..... i would lay down my life for an eve, i gotta be real..... idk what else there is to say.  eve is another character who would be interesting with the mld (though. not for the same reasons as jack. the mld has had corrupt characters and it’s had lawful characters but it hasn’t really had someone who’s... slowly spiraling off the rails yet??) and of course i would throw like 15 million plots at her with villanelle (and my other characters, i guess, >__>). villanelle deserves to have the rug pulled out from under her with eve showing up, so,

okay and then laura.... idk american gods is. SUCH a universe. there are so many potential characters from that who would be fun on denny. to narrow down a couple, obviously shadow and laura have... a lot of unresolved issues to work out and i would kind of really love to play off a shadow because i have a thing for like. sad unresolved ex plots?? and they’d be great for that, nevermind the fact that shadow would have a lot of potential on denny...

ooooor mad sweeney because i have to admit i am becoming a LITTLE bit of a sucker for him and laura as a ship and how could i RESIST the opportunity for things to spiral into disaster if/when she finds out about his involvement in her death. but also like. give me them working through that and becoming better people together.  or mr wednesday!! i mean any of the gods would be INCREDIBLE to see on denny but i think mr. wednesday really stands out as far as... how much overall plot potential he has because he is really such a driving force. and i both love him and love to hate him,

[audienceofdoubt]

Happy Belated Birthday to the only and only Mon aka @soupery!!!

Firstly, yes I am about 2 days late to the party (that’s not fair, i’ve been checking your blog every day since September started coz I can’t remember your exact date until 18th came and stuff happened and a K-Pop group made a comeback and I had no time to check kvjdnsc) and yeah this seems pretty crap too cOZ WHOOPS!!!!! I forgot how to draw and colour lmao it didn’t turn out the way I wanted coz I blacked out so close an eye, yeah~?

Anyways, super duper long, sobby tragic note underneath the cut for the late-birthday bud btw!!! (I’m so sorry in advance)

SOO O OO O OOOO are you reading this, Mon? Or someone else, oh well what can I do lmao soso anyways I wanted to draw a gift for you last year (I remember spECIFICALLY HOW I WANTED IT TO BE AND EVERYTHING UGH) but around that time, I had to swap from Paint Tool Sai to FireAlpaca so a) my WIP is practically useless and it was one of those it’s-so-good-i-can’t-ever-redraw-that-ever-again sketches so i can’t redraw and b) what the heck is FireAlpaca amirite (still asking that up to this day-) so it still saddens me a lot tbhh, I really wanted to throw it to you last year,,, I was so excited and everything hhh I hope this doodle is alright tho,,, 

Woah i’m rambling I forgot my train of thought sorry lemme remember i’m just typing my mind out ah yes anyways

Mon!!!!! I don’t know if you know crap about me but i’ve been a huge huge fan of your works for frickin’ 3-4 years now (Ithink(butyeahit’salongtimetrustme)) (I remembered how I first found your works; your AT works and your first speedpaint really wowed my dumb 14-yo ass lmao it still does) and honestly? Thank you so much,,,

Seriously, if it wasn’t for your pretty Adventure Time works years ago, I would have never went “man, I wish I can draw digitally,” attempt to draw Ice King and Marceline on an iPad and cry, beg my parents for a tablet and accidentally spiralled down into “Actual Drawing” tbh

WHAT AM I TRYING TO SAY IS you are literally the reason why I draw. Like, you genuinely made the final spark in me to pursue drawing, and actually shaping me into what I am today-

Shit i’m tearing

-And i’m very thankful for you and your super inspiring art tbhh,, I mean, because of you, I tried to draw digitally, and even tried painting digitally, aimed for a very bubbly and interesting art style with the most beautiful colour schemes ever, seriously I could fall in love with any artist from any fandom but you always seem to stay in my cold, broken heart anyways these past few years (wow this got cheesy lmao)

And even if we don’t have all-too-similar interests that got me pulled into you in the first place (i’ve been wanting to check out AT again but thERE’S SO MANY EPISODES OH YMG ODDDD REGRETS) because I kept shifting interests every few months (super super annoying I swear) I always found myself coming back to your art blog and scroll through, going both “man I wonder how Mon is doing” or “shit dude how does she draw wtf what are colours”

And well, I don’t know if you remember me (coz a) I shift interests so much, so if there’s some scrub-ass K-Pop group on your dash rn i’m sorry b) wait I can’t tell if you’re following me anymore c) probably not d) and I keep changing URLs I think I changed it like 2-3 times lmao so sorry you’re hearing all this weird creepy (?) stuff from a stranger who knows

I just wanna say these all out loud because seriously, you’re one of the very, very, very veryv ery very few people that have stuck around in my world for more than a year, and let me tell you, that is a fucking huge deal tbh o3o but what would I know? I’m just a 17-yo kid who cries too much over everything

And now at this point I can’t really care less that my doodle sucks loads of ass coz’ I just wanted something to accompany these thoughts, y’know? Coz imagine getting this randomly on a normal day (i’d be crying but idk)

These past few years, i’ve been so scared of talking to you too tbh?? (Blahh I know about the “friend to all” bid but i’m just very anxious so that happens I guess) So I hope I got to say everything i’ve been meaning to say for the past 3-4 years so I won’t run away embarrassed only to realise that I forgot to write something in here approx. 10 minutes after I post this :^)

OH YEAH bless your colours tbhhhhhhhhhhhhh ohnymg fodododdddd d d

O boi this is so so embarrassing I promise i’ll draw a better one soon (or if I forget (most likely) next year y’know ahah)

I think you may have heard these many times (I mean-) but your art has gotten more beautiful and better but every scribble, every doodle and it’s so inspiring (weird, I never get inspired by artists that much tbh) so thank you, and keep being you, Mon!!!

This has gotten super super long (man i’d black out if I have to reread this halfway ugh sorry Mon wtf) so i’m gonna stop before I whine more jeez

Anyways, again, happy birthday, Mon, and hope you have a soup-er wonderful year ahead, coz you frickin’ deserve it!!!!

-Disparity

[consequentson]

I just woke up and realized not only is Dylan’s birthday (well, my birthday, since Dylan doesn’t have a canonical date yet) on April 8th, Bates Motel is ending on April 24th (unless there’s a hiatus/break I don’t know about), and it’s my blog’s one year anniversary on April 30th, but my queue of Dylan GIFs is also ending on April 29th. Fuck if I didn’t time that right, lmao.

Anyways, just a head’s up I had to double the dosage of one of my prescriptions today (the one for ADHD & anxiety) so it’s either gonna mean I’m extremely productive or not at all, because I can’t tell if it negatively impacts my dermatillomania purely because I’m awake all day and alone, or because I’m not taking enough, so... we’ll find out. But if my dermatillomania spirals today I’m gonna have to wear gloves before I flay myself alive tbh and it’s really hard typing with gloves, even the thin fingered ones. :/  The one time I accidentally took two by accident I also had really weird heart palpitations which just made me even more anxious so idk, we’ll see how today goes.

Either way, I’m only awake because of the medication rn, so I’m not quite in the mindset to even look at drafts yet, but hopefully I’ll get some done in a couple of hours sorta deal. We’ll see.